#IM LOSING MY SHIT ARRGH | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

flyingcookierambles · 4 years ago

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hhh

got afab’d at the eye doctor today arrgh

i wouldve corrected him but like. i doubt that ill go there again since it was like a super quick kinda-non emergency thing and i have a regular eye doctor i go to. also my mom was in the room and like. i didnt wanna bring it up with her there and all but like. uugh.

he just like immediately picked female on the gender option even tho there was an other option and everything wtf?????????????

hmmm also i had to go to the doctors for a quick check up/physical thing since im/my mom is going to make me get my drivers license and you have to have a doctors note and all and i went to my moms doctor or the first time since i aged out of my pediatrician. and like? they had me and my mom in the same room which was kinda weird???? like for the whole patient confidentiality thing (which wouldve been useless since like my mom knows more abt my medical history than me) and like also the whole. pandemic thing??? like?? it was me, my mom, and the nurse practitioner crammed into a tiny basic exam room?? maybe bc my mom has been going to this doctors’ office for a long time and also since we’re family, they must’ve figured taht we both dont have covid and couldnt spread it to each otehr like other random patients who are strangers to each other but still. it was. annoying.

the nurse asked me some questions about like my medical history. and all and i couldnt answer some of it bc i dont remember exact dates/times and stuff. but also she asked if i had been diagnosed with depression or anything and like if my mom wasnt in the room, i wanted to say that my mom wont let me see a therapist and/or be diagnosed.

so like when i turned 18 i had a final check up at my former pediatrician before they kicked me out of the system lol. i am p sure that it was for shots and stuff that i needed for college???

anyways despite being 18, they had my mom in the room with me the whole time. and then they gave me a worksheet that was a basic “do you have depression” test. and the doctor left, but my mom was allowed to stay???

and like. since i was starting college and stuff at the time, and also was/am causing my lower middle class family great financial hardship in the form of college tuition and student loans with predatory interest rates and increasing the chances of losing our house bc, with the combo of my dad dying and the recession of the early 2000′s and general declining quality ever since earlier mentioned death, our family business sucks and we barely make any money. also my mom keeps complaining about this to me and it constantly hangs over my head and i feel guilty about being a dumbass who cant get a job and repay the stupid loans (how tf is interest rates on student loans legal??? fuck capitalism????) (uuughghgh i feel like my mom should get herself a therapist or smth instead of constantly complaining to her eldest agab child uuuhghghghgh. id make one of those eldest d*ughter jokes but im not a g*rl so eldest child lol)

anyways yeah so like 4 years ago when i was starting college and also today to a degree i felt like a massive piece of shit and had social anxiety and also probably depression that is only kept at bay by constantly distracting myself with anime and video game. and like. maybe??? i couldve benefited from talking to a therapist or counselor or getting medication????? instead of?? like?? whatever my obsession with anime and video games is???

buuuuuuut since the pediatrician let my mom stay in the room for some reason, my mom, a boomer who knows nothing of mental health and is kinda insensitive about it so its super cringe to talk to her abt stuff, was like “you’re not depressed. youre a middle class kid who’s never like starved or whatever. just answer 1 on everything.” (the scale of depression was like 1 - not feeling depressed much to 5 - i feel like this everyday.)

so yeah?????

wow sorry doctor i cant answer half your questions about my medical history bc im either adopted and dont know my own genetics or my mom wont let me get tested for mental illness?????????????

once at 2018 or 19 tekko, i wanted to go into the dnd room and like i got so socially anxious i had a crying breakdown in the freaking hallway and had to like. sit down alone and try to look normal by playing my 3ds on the floor. like i hovered outside the door to the dnd room for a whole hour just like staring in and wanting to go in really badly but i couldnt???? i just???? cried????? in public????????? had a breakdown or something at an anime convention??????????????? i like dont even know what the heck happened 2 years ago or if that’s what it would be called but like????????? im pretty sure that mentally healthy people with no social anxiety problems dont stand outside a room for half an hour and then start crying bc you cant bring yourself to go into the room even tho the door is like wide open?????????? thankfully i finally just like went in and joined a the last game session of the day, but it was still like surreal to me?????? i just??? extremely loathed myself for like an hour for crying and not being able to walk thru a doorway it was so weird i felt like absolute garbage and im p sure that normal ppl dont go thru that??????

since i only make like. $11 an hour at a retail job im not really sure if i can even afford a therapist, and then theres also transportation and also the whole pandemic thing. but ive been thinking about like 7cups or something. there was also this other website that showed you therapists that were uniquely qualified for treating poc/queer/neurodivergent/etc., ppl in your area and there was surprisingly a few in the pittsburgh area that i could probs get to by bus, so maybe ill save money and go like. next year or something. or like. whenever the pandemic is over.

#idk man #rambles

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throwingideasatthewall · 4 years ago

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Clone Wars Episode 11

Dooku captured

An inte resting none the less

On with it

[Title screen]

Quote;

A Long One

The winding path to peace is always a worthy one, regardless of how many turns it takes

Uh, no

The path to peace is a “get your shit together mate” Straightforward path

That’s the road to enabling

5 is the limit

Whelp

“Man hunt,”

Shows a clone beating up a droid

Who is supposed to be hunted here?

Cause those are soldiers

Man-Hunt -Generally implies some kind of innocence

Or wrongness To the scenario

Then again

this is a machines vs hu mans con flict

So technically counts

Separatist leader Count Dooku

Oh yeah, so definitely not innocent

I would say why/ how

But I’m betting grievous

Tipped them off

After the bullshit pulled last episode

To “retest” him back

Also Guard bots

We’re not using scenes from the movie are we?

Still blank faced which is good

Gone Missing

Obi-Wan; where is my servant boy?

Obi-Wan Kenobi heads towards his friends last location

“Friend,” Riight

[Also Obi-wan looks like such a nerd

The far reaches ,of the outer rim

Always those frickers

Whelp

Magic Whole

Guards

Whelp

Pressing But -tons

Doing Stuff

Good for them

[surpris ingly non- talk ative]

There he is

Whelp

There he is

Whelp

Smart droid

Wow

Okay-

Woah-

Don’t worry

Snark

Also I don’t think were prisoners they were playing cards

Whelp

There they go

Whelp No

Just walk in

Wait

There it is

*he

“ oh it’s you,”

Wrong tone

Pounce on me from the ceiling

Too much tone

Light saber thanks

In Jail

“I know he’s on board,”

Not like he moved after throwing you in jail

In case you contact ed some one

Might’ve Been able to do some thing if I had my weapon

[Obi-Wan stole his light saber?]

Also this is why writing a child character (With Tone ) Doesn’t Work

Children can’t do knowledge and adults can’t do stupidity (Uninten -tionally)

It comes off creepy and un-natural

It was impor -tant for you to arrive with -out it

Cap ture would be con -vincing

Oh yeah sir this Jedi just arri -ved with out a light saber

and Surrender Ed

“Lock down the entire base, check for scout patrols im -mediately,”

That’s how it would’ve gone rea list ic ally

Oh they were convinced alright

Again having him authentically lose his light saber would’ve been more con -vincing

Also writing a child like an adult

You want instant catharsis?

Write an adult

Writing a child like an adult is narrative cheating

Take this line; “When you’re a Jedi master you can make the plans,”

Normally this would be Boomer bait And a taunt at someone (a child) who doesn’t know they’re being taunted

Or a tox comment at one of his colle agues carrying the tense ness of possibly being held account able

Here; Anakin could just whack him

Hey if he broke the rule of realistic child behavior

Who’s to say he can’t break the rule of a child can’t outstand adult

And the story refuses to hold him accountable to the standards of an adult

Attempting to put him with this innocence-

Just no it does not work

Surprise, surprise

It’s a hologram

Weird position to catch them in

Obi-Wan Kenobi

Or not...

“An unpleasant disturbance in the force,”

Get roasted Kenobi

Deal ing with some thing above your caliber

Freed young Skywalker

Foreshadowing doesn’t work like that movie

Stick with Checkov’s gun

100% Account ability And us age Is Always better than unaccounta bility and Unchild like behavior

Like I can see him snap -ping at Obi-Wan Over This

And the un realistic “I’m not a child I don’t need saving thing,”

And the “Dooku made him do it thing!”

When no that’s not how it works (on either accounts ...)

Just -no don’t do it

Be Better

“Sir there’s a Jedi cruiser attack -ing,”

So we’re not going that direc tion?

Good good continue

Whelp

There’s Rex

Oh geez it’s Ahsoka (Contrary to belief I don’t hate this character, I hate how they refuse to write this character (or any of the female child characters) realistically, portraying them as more mature

Which is terrible

And the fact that they got Anakin character wrong worries me

But Hey maybe this is the episode- where they get Ahsoka right...

[with clear tone] Let’s try not to blow up the ship this time

Aaahhhhhhhhh

Things happen

But I’m just gone

The stakes are gone

So is my brain

And my interest

“ I should’ve,”

Just No

Argh

Arrgh!

Such -Bull

What ever

Okay...

...

Ha (Not)

...

Whelp

...

Okay

That’s what you’re doing

....

Okay

What ever

Movie

Whelp

Yea -h

Okay

That’s happen ing

....

Uhm

Okay

What -ever

Uhm

More Stuff

Things Shak -ing

...

Non -sense

Uh - huh

Yep

Alright

Okay

Inte resting (Said with heavy sarcasm)

(Anakin can probably- survive that he’s un child like!”

The odds

And my nerves

Gone-

Ai ght

Da Da da

Okay... Things are happening....

[at the bare mini -mum that can be said!]

There are pictures on the screen and they are mov ing

Argh!

Just plain ugh

“This Movie” (And yes I know I use that term exceptio - nally loosely

...is A Slug

We’re Only -4:59- Min utes In

My interest- is lost,-

And I resorted to the “If’s, what’s and “what-ever’s”

Never a good sign

......

What ever

They crash land on an icy planet

Which could be interesting given Obi-Wan’s blue and water association

Forced to reckon with the nature of his own subjectivity

And a force he can’t overcome

Reflecting back his own pain and misery

And forcing him to see himself and the choices he made clearly

And his reaction to them

Instead we get to see him snarking at Anakin

What could’ve worked

Is the size of two equal coins

Another Adult Char acter

An enabler

Obi-Wan either turning to Them As a distraction

Or seeming to face the consequences of his actions

Or how both Obi-Wan and Dooku Share responsibility

Possibly some symbolism

And oil spilling from the tank

Representing Corr -uption

And possibly Obi-Wan‘s decision to turn to it

Sorry I got bored

What was happening on screen?

Okay, right Dooku tank i’m not missing anything important

You know what would be interesting?

Obi-Wan finding an ice-

-crystal Or maybe an ice cave, Liter- ally reflect -ing his cho-ices back at him

Wouldn’t that be fun-ner- ?

“Cave”

Are they ac-t -ually

No it’s a dark black cave

Representing how a pretty outside doesn’t equal morally accountable inside?

What about those little beads-?

For the sake- of entertainment

What-

Beads= inherent good they travel in the cave with their light saber

It doesn’t mean anything does it?

The point being ,I know everything doesn’t have to have morales, but the concept is so dead in the water That I’ve started talking to myself for entertainment

Watching because at some point I hope at some point The narrative assumes some accountability (And stops writing Anakin unchildlike) So I can have some investment in their story

So far toasters

Toasters are neat

They heat up bread

They use elec -tric -ity

Wel

I think they’re pretty neat

(So long as used responsibly And the metal sourced Ethical -ly?

Anyway Pretty neat

They make the world a better place

You Want To Know Why My Lecture About Toasters

Was More

Enter-tain ing

Than This

Epi- Sode?

I Don’t Say “Toasters Can Fly,”

And Ex -pect You To Sit Through My Non- Sense About Fly -ing Toasters

(With Un- Roll -ed Eyes

It’s Not That You Don’t Like Toasters It’s That You Don’t Like Me Breaking - The limits Of Time and Space (As well as basic logic) for my story

That’s how I feel about this episode

I like Obi-wan

(I think they did his character relatively well at beginn -ing)

I don’t like how the story and chara- cters (Others) Were Bent To His Will

(Especially when they were others more suited for the role that didn’t require bending)

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