#IM JUST. ive been pausing the episode every 3 seconds just to ramble to the wall okay im legally allowed to do this

[overlords-number-one-fan]

MB REALLY GOT ME GIGGLING AND KICKING MY FEET RWHEGHEJE I ADORE HIM SO MUCH ITS UNREALL "Maximum power it is. Oh, the indignities I must suffer." RRGHGHRG SIR UR LIFE IS LITERALLY ON THE LINE AND YOU STILL MANAGE TO BE THEATRE KID ZESTY ABT IT ... IM

[handmubo]

this is a ramble. about ip. it’s not late enough to qualify this as a 3 am ramble or anything, but i guess it’s emotional n stuff, so its kinda just,, a ramble

idol producer for me was a time of branching out and trying new things. i made new social media accounts in order to connect with other people who liked the things same things i did (kkt, a whole new tumblr blog yikes, discord, etc). all of this made me very anxious. I made new friends during this time, too, and friends that came from those friends. this, too, made me anxious. (i like to think that most of these things were worth it, in the end)

outside of ip everything in my life was pretty shitty. i was constantly stressed, traveling to a different part of the country every two weeks. i missed tests and quizzes and had bad classes and bad teachers, and it wasn’t until ip ended that the world actually decided to take a pause and let me breathe. all things considered, watching and actively keeping up with a tv show wasn’t exactly a good thing to do in the midst of all this nonsense. 

still, i persisted. i still remember borrowing my friends computer, pressing it to the glass of our hotel window (the wifi was best there) in order to watch episode five (first elims) before going back to school. I remember cramming a 3.5 hour episode into every second i could during the school day, because i wouldn’t get the chance to finish it until the next week. there were a lot of dumb things i did to watch ip, including the one memorable event when i forgot daylight savings time was a thing and woke up one hour too early. it was four am. i suffered. 

ip to me is sitting in my bed, half asleep, watching a show i barely understand, without subtitles. it’s me, being careful of every sound coming from the hall, afraid my parents will hear me awake at 5 in the morning on a school day. it’s me, sitting in the cold outside my school at 7 am, finishing up the last of the episode. it’s me, screaming to my friends. it’s me, writing. 

i dont know why im writing this. i dont know what inspired me to write it (thats a lie, i was watching chen linongs first performance). i dont know the purpose of this ramble. i dont know who i am anymore, because its been 3 months since ip ended and ive been absent from the fandom for 1.5 of those. i might be looking for something, maybe, to love as much as i did ip. to follow and keep up with, as unhealthy as it was, because it was something that made me feel like someone. 

that being said, i still dont know anything. but yeah. heres a ramble. ip changed my life. go figure