#IF U SEE ME POST ABT STARTING NEW ART U HAVE PERMISSION 2 TAKE ME OUT BACK N PUT ME DOWN

[hinamie]

ok i am not having any luck with sketching anything new so i am taking this as the universe telling me 2 get my shit tgt and finally resume work on my zine piece that i haven't touched in a month

[lipkits]

long version!

this is wayyyy longer than i thought so get ready

ok so basically i was friends w this girl for a while and had secretly liked her, and then in january i told her how i felt because we’d kinda been having a fwb relationship since the summer. neither of us had admitted our real feelings, and it turned out she liked me as well. so we were basically dating, like we went on our first date for valentine’s day, and everything was going pretty well. she always asked to hang out and i’m rlly introverted so i don’t like doing more than 1 thing w friends on the weekend bc i just need time to recover from the week. and so she’d always ask to hang out and do things and it just got tiring because i suck at saying no, and i’d try to tell her what i’m explaining to u guys (or whoever is reading this) but she said i’m not introverted because i’m not as shy as her (lol). and so then it kind of started to make me pull away bc i felt rlly overwhelmed. she also would never leave when i wanted her to and would just sit in my car not getting out, and also on new years she got mad at me because it was 1am and i was super tired and wanted her to leave because i had a paper due in like 2 days that i’d procrastinated. i know it might seem bad because i was essentially ditching her for school work but it was super late at night and i’d been planning this for a while. and also her parents are rlly homophobic and conservative, so she’s said certain things before that turned me off, and also it made me feel scared to be in this relationship if we had to hide it from her parents (and she didn’t want me to tell my parents so i was kind of lying to them in a way??? idk i normally tell my mom everything but i hadn’t been telling her this which made me feel bad). so then after a while we decided to officially date as girlfriends, but the next morning (this was the beginning of march i think or end of february by the way) i felt this horrible gut feeling telling me that i wasn’t ready for a girlfriend and i just didn’t want to be with her anymore. so i told her immediately because i didn’t want to lie and it wouldn’t be fair to either of us, and it was over text so it was bad to begin with, but i told her the truth and she got super upset and of course hurt by what i said, and ignored me for a week, and then we met the next weekend for breakfast and she just told me how she didn’t want to go back to fwb without being official and she tried to convince me to be her girlfriend and didn’t understand anything i was explaining as to why i wasn’t ready for that. and she didn’t want to go back to just being friends either... also keep in mind she is a year older than me. so then she started saying things that i do which annoys her, and claimed that she wasn’t a priority because i wouldn’t drop everything to be with her. but school and work come first before doing fun stuff for me. i feel like she didn’t understand how important doing well in my studies is and i can’t just be her girlfriend whenever she wants, i have to be my own person and make time for myself. so then she made me feel real shitty, and had her mom come pick her up (she doesn’t have her license so i drove us places most of the time). and i was just really upset and then she slowly went back to being friendly again, and we hung out one weekend and she took an edible when we went to the movie theater, but ate the whole thing and then we had to leave because she was like seeing weird shit and shaking, and so i just had to take care of her basically for a couple hours. and then she said some rude things to me and was like “i feel so immature i’m sorry”... but in the past i’ve had to babysit her whenever she got high. so then afterwards we were fine for another week and then she asked to hang out one weekend but i said no because i was busy and had to prepare for finals, and then she straight up just wouldn’t talk to me and gave me the cold shoulder, pretty much ignored me for a solid month. didn’t even tell me happy birthday???? when it was obvious she knew because she saw posts my friend made abt me, and then put stuff on her story abt how she’s in seattle we her other friends? like... ok. and it hurt me rlly bad she was treating me like that, so then she wrote me this long letter and gave it to me in class just like explaining why she wouldn’t talk to me, and said a bunch of excuses and then wanted to know if i still wanted to be friends, and also told me she had my birthday present and didn’t forget about my birthday. and i waited a week because i had a bunch of other stuff happening in my life, and she told me not to tell anyone about the letter or show it to anyone and of course i went to my therapist bc i didn’t know what else to do. and meanwhile during the time we’ve been together she had been telling some people about us without my permission and i’m not out at school so it made me really upset and felt like i couldn’t really trust her. so then she texted me and asked for the letter back, and i gave it to her the next day and told her that she decided we were no longer friends when she ignored me for a month, without telling me anything like she needed space or something... and she said that she just “couldn’t” talk to me, and that it she didn’t make that decision, but throughout our entire relationship i had always been the one to make decisions. i told her she did make that decision whether she wanted to or not, and she said “well fuck you” and walked away, leaving me shaking and close to tears. and then i moved tables in our art class. and on the bus home a few days later she sat next to me and started asking me to explain stuff i didn’t answer from the letter and i told her no and that i didn’t owe her any explanation and she got mad at me and then when i tried to tell her how outing me isn’t okay she said “well it’s my story too so i can tell whoever i want” and when i wasn’t acting how she wanted she started crying and told me she’s lost like 15 pounds because of stress and she has no one to talk to abt it because of her parents prejudice, but she had already told me before so i tried to tell her how shitty she made me feel, and then got off the bus and said “i’m seriously just done”... also we were becoming friends w this one guy who she told abt us and he previously used gay as an insult which seriously sucked and so got upset abt it but got angry that she told him abt us anyways bc i felt uncomfortable w him let alone all those other people know. and he doesn’t talk to me anymore and neither do any of her friends so i bet they all hate me lol. and we didn’t talk for the rest of the year, except when she asked for polaroids back that she gave me on valentine’s day ??? and then she graduated and i blocked her on all social media and her phone number.

so that is p much it !! sorry it was a lot and i hope u can understand it, and also sorry for run-on sentences.... and spelling errors... omg