#IBA mathematics tutor

[yawningpolarbear]

Long story for my future kid but a long post to Tumblr for now

May nagtanong sakin “Grabe ren! Bakit ikaw pa kasi yung nag eeffort?” Natigilan ako. Ewan. Siguro sa way ng pagkakasabi na para bang maling mali yung ginawa ko. Mali ba ako to exert effort for someone I like? A lot of people say and I would often agree that my strong demeanor and intimidating aura is just a facade. Sobrang hirap ko iapproach lalo na in person kasi feeling ng tao masyado akong mataray. And it’s true. I don’t talk much to people that I barely know. I only have a few friends and I’m not very outgoing. Pero sa totoo lang, madali lang naman ako makasama lalo na kung in sync yung vibes natin. You’re not a dear person to me if di mo naranasan masungitan ko. And if super close na tayo, I’ll always make you laugh. I always joke, tho most of the time corny lol.

So bakit nga ba ako nag eeffort? Well, I guess it all boils down to this. When I like someone, I’m not afraid to show it. So I replied “I’m really interested to get to know him more so I’ll always make time. But if he doesn’t feel the same way, I don’t push it. I would hate wasting both of our times.” Pero masakit yun diba? Lalo na kung naattach ka na talaga. How do you really cut ties with someone who is already dear to you? To someone you already opened your heart to. Ang sagot dyan ‘putangina syempre masakit haha. Kahit gaano ko pa isipin na okay lang, that I’ll find someone else as long as I have me. Masakit pa rin lalo na kung naattach ka na.’ Mapapa asdfghjkl ka sa sakit. If that’s even a thing. Kasi you’ll never find the right words to describe the pain. Kung gaano mo inopen yung sarili mo sa isang tao, ganun din kasakit yung dating nung pain. Minsan mas mahigit pa.

How do we move on? Pano ba mawawala yung sakit? ‘Ewan. Siguro you just let yourself feel things. Sabihin mo na lahat para wala kang pagsisihan. Iiyak mo lang kung naiiyak. At some point, mapapagod ka rin.’ Hindi ba ganun naman yung usual na payo. Totoo naman. Wag mo itago. Hayaan mong maramdaman mo yung sakit. Kapalit yan ng saya na naramdaman mo kasama sya.

Pero kung gusto mo, dapat ipaglaban mo diba? Bat ka susuko agad kung di ka gusto? ‘The mere fact that I put myself out there. I opened up and showed him my vulnerable side. Isn’t that effort enough? Dapat ba durugin ko na yung sarili ko sa harap nya para lang magustuhan nya ko. The best love for me is not ‘not giving up on someone’ but rather ‘not giving up on yourself’. Di mo sya magagawang mahalin ng buo kung ikaw mismo hindi buo. Isa pa, iba’t ibang klase tayo ng pagpapakita ng love. Maybe the kind of love that I can give is not the one that he wants or needs. Darating din yung para satin.’ Asdfghjkl ang daling sabihin noh. Pero sa totoo lang, kahit anong payo mo sa sarili mo. Kung di ka pa ready, di ka pa ready. The healing process takes time. May iba saglit lang. Yung iba, sobrang tagal. Pero never ka makakausad kung di mo tutulungan yung sarili mo.

Oo masakit talaga. Para kang umabot sa mataas na level sa favorite game mo. Tas na uninstall mo yung app, so start over ka ulit. Minsan yung iba uulitin yung laro, yung iba naman hahanap nalang ng ibang games na lalaruin. Tatawanan at dadamayan ka ng mga friends mo. Sasabihin nila ‘I told you so’ or ‘Ang tanga mo kasi, sayang lang effort mo’. But was it really? Sayang ba talaga? Pouring your heart out over someone and getting nothing in return? Never ako nasayangan sa lahat. If I can do it all over again, I would do it. Maybe a different kind of approach. Pero uulitin ko pa rin, if that’s what it takes to be with that person. ‘Cause for once in your life, that person made you happy and made you feel more alive.

I remembered back in high school. I rejected boys who courted me ‘cos I was too focused on my acads and making my parents proud. And kpop already made me happy. But in 4th year high school, napatabi ako sa classmate kong super quiet, di nakikipag usap gaano sa girls and laro lang ang hilig. So mejo madaldal ako na katabi and bothered ako palagi dahil di sya nag aayos sa klase. Lagi ko sya pinapagalitan. I forced him to do schoolworks. Sometimes I can be very bossy. Until one day, we started going to the canteen together. Talk about lots of stuff. I even got into clash of clans because of him. Yun yung usong laro that time. Then we started talking online. That’s when I realized I was starting to like the guy. He was my prom date. He made me smile a lot of times. But we had to go our separate ways when we graduated. I studied in Manila and he stayed in town. We were too young back then. Marami pang pwedeng mangyari saming dalawa. I guess I liked him but not enough to commit. I wanted to focus on my acads. But heck, I still cried. Up until now, we’re not on talking terms. I wanted us to end in good terms pero minsan hindi mo mapipilit yun. Puppy love. That’s what I’ll call it

So in college, I focused on studying or so I say. Hahaha I stayed in a dorm near my school. 8am-6pm class everyday. Grabeng 1st term sched yan. With breaks in between naman, so I can steal a quick nap sa dorm. Minsan nagigising at nakakapasok sa noon class, minsan hindi so gigising nalang para mag dinner haha. I joined pep. So may 6-9pm training everyday. Imagine 8am class until 6pm tas training hanggang 9pm. Sobrang pagod. Then I met someone. He was my senior. Became friends and all that. Then I developed a small crush. Hanggang sa narecruit nya ako sa squad nila. LoL lang nilalaro ko dati with my high school friends. Sobrang butaw pa hahaha. Pero inaya ako ni crush mag dota2 eh, turuan nya daw ako. So sakin, ok lang naman hahaha. Minsan natatanga talaga ako kapag crush. So after training, deretso computer shop para maglaro hanggang 4 or 5am. Grabe until now, di ko alam pano ko nasurvive yun hahaha. The best thing about it all is after maglaro, nap lang saglit minsan wala pa. Pero nakakapasok pa rin ako sa morning class ko. Hayup! Life hack. The only decent sleep I get is my 3hr lunch break (if you can even call it decent). Tas noon class, training, tas laro ulit with crush and newfound friends. I was giddy. Minsan hinahatid pa nila ako sa dorm after laro. Bat ko ba nagustuhan yun? Di ko na rin maalala. I admired him kung paano sya magmahal and loyal dun sa ex nya. Mejo tanga ren haha. Or maybe I was craving for the kind of affection he can give. Napaisip pa ako sana ako nalang nagustuhan nya. Juice ko po. I was 17 and naive. Grabe mga efforts ko para sakanya. Tulog yun. Tulog yung nawala sakin grabe. For someone who loves to sleep and can sleep anywhere (which is highly dangerous dahil ilang beses ka ng lumagpas sa destinasyon mo kakatulog sa PUVs ren), I sure did miss a lot of sleep because of him. Bat naman hindi? Kung gusto mo makasama crush mo diba? Minsan kung hindi naglalaro gabi gabi. Magkatext kami and as a good friend and listener. Papakinggan ko yung mga rants nya sa babaeng gusto nya. I’ll always reply with ‘okay lang yan kuya’. Hahahaha may lahi talaga akong tanga grabe. Pero ang mahalaga, nakamove past ako dun sa stage na yun. From a crush/potential someone, he became a kuya nalang talaga. Maybe it was just Infatuation. That’s what I’ll call it.

That happened because I met someone again. And that one is my ex. He was part of the squad. Sya yung carry namin. Tanginang plot twist yan. Sumali ka sa squad nung crush mo para mapalapit sakanya only to end up with his friend. Grabeng buhay to. Dami surprises hahaha. I was the only girl in the team. Mababait naman sila and I felt secure and comfortable with them. Hinahatid pa nila ako after game kahit madaling araw na at papalabas naman na yung araw. So pano nangyari? Hindi naman kagwapuhan. Actually lahat ng nagustuhan ko, hindi naman pogi to the point na mapapalingon ka. Siguro may itsura ganun haha. Basta importante mabango at malinis tignan at malinis talaga. And has good heart and personality. Not really the one who go for the looks. So from a kuya to a potential lover. How did it happen? Dahil lang sa langyang screwdriver. Di kami gaano nag uusap nun kahit sa personal. Small talk lang ganun. Papawards ganun. Haha charot. So ayun, one day nagchat sya naghahanap ng screwdriver. Lahat pala ng taga taft tinanong nya. So I simply replied with ‘sorry kuya, wala po’. Wow ang galang diba haha. From that small convo, napunta sa di ko na alam haha. I remembered he had a hard time passing his business mathematics subject which was really true. Mejo shunga sya sa math. Scratch that, sobra pala. And aminado naman sya. So I offered to tutor/teach him. Not bragging, but I’m good at math. I won awards back in elem and hs lol. Sobrang nerd ko dati fota. Then one day nagkaaminan kami. From friends we turned into something more. I’m really a very private person. Gusto ko pati sa relationship, private. So we kept things to ourselves. Kasi masyado malaki yung social circle namin given that we belong to the same college org. Less people know, less issue diba? So naging mag SO kami. So I said ‘hala oo, secret on tayo’. Tinawanan nya ako wow. It’s a foreign word for a gh kid pala. Tangina ganun yung term samin nung high school eh. Secret on. So what he meant was ‘significant other’. And there it was, we became each other’s SOs. What did I like about him? He’s certainly not my type. Matangkad lang sya ng onti sakin. Ok fine may biceps. Pero siguro, his greatest asset was his mind. His perspective in life and how he taught me a lot of things. I was 17 and he was 20. He was matured, that’s one. And he taught me how to be mature without spoiling my youth, that’s another. He owned almost 3 years of my life. And I have no regrets. Sobrang dami kong nirisk to be with him. My parents didn’t want me to engage in any romantic relationship while I was still studying. But I defied and kept us a secret. Eventually naging legal sa close college friends namin because I fucking confessed when I was drunk. Oh how I would love to zip this mouth when I drink. *facepalm* First gift I received from him was a very cute courier sa dota 2 hehe. I’m very forgetful so my very first gift? Di ko na maalala hehe. I cleaned his condo. Gave him cake with a little corny joke on the side. Steam wallet codes. I remembered gifting Overwatch for his bday. Electric cooker because he loves to cook. And yes, I moved at the condo in front of his building. When I lost my phone at bts concert, nakikitext ako sa pinsan ko. Grabeng effort yan. Haha lintek. He made sure I feel loved too. But like all things, our relationship has come to an end. Do I have regrets? Wala. We had a beautiful one. And I’ll always treasure it. We were never official yknow. No label. What we had was commitment. Now ask me again, do I have regrets? Maybe meron. The fact that I wasn’t able to introduce him to my parents. But that experience taught me a lot. I became more open to my parents. We officially ended weeks before graduation and while my parents were happy for me on that special day. I was faking a smile and crying inside. That was the last time I saw him. He’s happy with someone now. And I am happy too. Akala ko di ako makakausad pero I did. You just never forget your first but you don’t go back haha. First love. That’s what I’ll call it.

Sobrang broken ko nun akala ko di na ako makakausad. I fucking failed my first civil service exam. March 17. I remember taking it at Marikina High School. Di ko alam pano pumunta dun. At di ko alam pano ako nakarating. I was like a walking zombie. I took the exam lightly and slept. Like who does that on an official government exam? The results came out and I saw the disappointment in my parents’ eyes. Their so-called honor student and daughter failed. Dun ko narealize kung gaano ko tinatapon yung buhay ko para lang sa isang tao. I cried again not for him but for myself. Then I swore to myself that was the last time. So I used this app, bumble. Not to spite my ex but to help myself. I wanted to talk to someone. I remembered una kong bungad ‘pano ba maka move on?’ Hahaha and while I get some funny answers, I was able to get decent ones. May naging friends ako. Like friends talaga, no romance involved. I open it from time to time. When I feel bored or want kausap. I went on a date once. But we never really clicked. Because I believe he was more into the physical stuff and I wasn’t up for it. Then I talked with a lot of people some more. Pero wala talagang constant. Like after the hi’s and hello’s. No one sparked my interest. Maliban of course dun sa mga naging friends ko na nakakausap ko from time to time. I flirted with some only thru chats. But I eventually grew tired of it. Realized I wasn’t up for it and I’d rather be by myself. Sayang sa oras eh. Distraction. That’s what I’ll call it.

Until I met someone again. Hay nako ren hahaha. Met him on this app. At first, it was a small talk. Like all the others. Bored ako eh. And it felt harmless at that time. But we just never run out of topic and I don’t feel bored when I talk to him. In fact, hinahanap ko na sya. Which is bad I know. I laughed at his silliness and admired his wit and determination. Connection. That’s what we had. Or maybe for me. We went on dates. And it was good. But that harmless became not so harmless anymore when I felt something stir within me. Narealize ko na it’s another heartbreak waiting to happen if I continue with it. And I don’t wanna risk getting myself hurt again after I fixed myself. Hindi nakakaganda yung puro iyak. If I’m gonna risk something for someone, I want to know if he’s willing to risk for me too. Mahirap pag puro puso lang. But he chose to walk away. And that’s sign enough. Kung mas pinatagal ko pa yun, siguro baka mas lalo akong nahulog to the point na hindi na ako makakaalis pa. Di ko rin alam pano ko sya nagustuhan. It all sank in when I realized I’m always making time for him. Turned down dates with others and would rather spend time with him. Travelled a long way to go to him. My friend thinks it’s too much. Even I think it’s silly. Pero ganun naman talaga. We do crazy things for the people we like. I knew it was love when he helped me bring out the best in me. For once, I was inspired again. I took the civil service exam for the second time and I passed it. August 4. I took it somewhere in QC. Ganun pala when you’re happy, you bring out happy results too. But I wasn’t enough for him. And maybe he wasn’t enough for me to take the risk alone. Para kaming parallel lines. Never magtatagpo so useless pa na pilitin. Do I have regrets? Siguro. If I can do it all over again, I would do things differently. Then if di talaga, baka hindi talaga para sakin. Napakabullshit lang talaga nung ‘bat ka masasaktan kung never naman naging kayo’ hahahaha. It’s almost 2020. Let people feel things. Nasasaktan ka kasi nagbigay ka. That’s the way of life. Kaya ang sarap nalang talaga minsan maging halaman. Pero that’s the beauty of love and life. Hindi pwede puro saya lang. Hindi rin pwede puro lungkot lang. Hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin alam what to call what happened with us. Siguro I, for I don’t know lol hahahahaha tangina ako lang natatawa sa inside joke ko. We decided to remain friends but we both know that’s pure shit. We don’t talk anymore. And sometimes it’s better to stay that way. Minsan mapapatanong ka nalang bakit ka makakatagpo ng taong di naman para sayo. Siguro in time mahahanap mo yung sagot. Or may taong magbibigay sayo ng sagot. Hangga’t di ko alam yung sagot kung bakit nag end or bat hindi kami. I’d rather not settle for the what ifs. Masasaktan ka lang kung lagi mo tatanungin yung sarili mo ng what if haha. Strange love. That’s what I’ll call it.

Sa ngayon, I’m happy by myself. At least I’m trying to be. Happiness is a choice. Always strive for it. See the good in things. And if you found your person, you do something with it. If you really want someone in your life, you put effort. And if he/she doesn’t match your efforts, maybe it’s their answer to your feelings. Every heartbreak I’ve experienced just taught me to be stronger than before. Strong enough to pursue what I really like and who I really love but also strong enough to let go if it’s really not for me. In the future, I’ll tell my kids my heartbreak stories but for now this stays in tumblr. When I find their father, maybe in a diner, in another table at a coffee shop, sitting beside me in the train, while he’s dog walking in the park or even at the bar. Heck, I don’t know. All I know is when I find him, I’ll know he’s the one. And by that time, I’ll know what it is. Bliss. That’s what I’ll call it.

All these efforts that I can give, I’m putting it all to myself for now. I will never stop loving myself. So even if others won’t, I’ll always have me. Kahit gaano ka pa nasaktan, never stop believing in love. Let it counter hate. Di ko alam kung anong future ang nag aantay sakin. But I’m sure I can do something about it. Kasi tayo naman gumagawa ng destiny natin. Don’t just wish. Do it. But don’t push things too hard. You might break it. Let’s leave it to the natural course of the universe. Kung ano yung para sayo, para sayo. Faith. That’s what I’ll call it.

- ren

[aliapot]

CIVIL SERVICE SUB PROFESSIONAL PASSER (PART 1)

After six years of being an employee from private sector, Alia decided to climb up herself on the next step of the ladder. LOL. 

Last December 2018, nag-register ako sa CSC office sa Trece for sub-professioonal. I was trying my luck before, because unfortunately, I failed the professional on my first take last 2017 and I wasn’t able to take my second application last 2018 because we were scheduled to be audited by our certifying body. 

My former colleague told me na dapat, hindi professional ang i-take ko kasi nga raw, mahirap. So, he advised me to choose the sub-pro kasi ganoon din naman daw ang ticket. Basta may eligibility ka, that means, you can have the opportunity to work on public sector. 

And then, ayun nga, I filed my application without even telling my officemates. Before I filed, I prayed to God and to the Lord na sana, one take lang. Pagkatapos noon, I reviewed a lot. Mabuti na nga lang din at natapos ko nang gawin that time ang Tricked and s-in-set-aside ko muna ang Selfless. Paunti-unti lang din ang update ko noon. 

Every early in the morning, I always got up just to review myself. Unlike in the pro level na masyadong complex ang things to review, sa sub-pro, medyo chill lang. Haha. I didn’t focus myself to review alot in grammar pero nag-te-take ako ng chill quizzes sa Merriam (the app was really helpful, swear). I focused more on numerical part kasi expected ko nang mahirap ang math, huhu. Then, I reviewed alot din sa clerical ability. Lately ko lang nalaman na you don’t have to really focus on that part kasi may instruction naman sa booklet para sa pag-o-organize ng words. At no’ng nag-take ako, oo nga. Haha. 

The materials I used in reviewing were the following: 

    * MSA Reviewer - Actually, nakuha ko lang din ang technique kung paano ko re-review-hin `to. Haha. Kapag sa part na ng General Information, Verbal at Numerical Questions, kinukuha ko ang questions then I put the answer afterwards. Mas madali ko siyang na-re-review kapag ganoon. Hehe.

  * Team Lyqa - This person is a huge motivational speaker slash teacher slash mentor slash tutor, lahat na. LOL. I learned a lot from her, swear. Her techniques are so understandable, kasi, she uses so many ways to chunk the information into simplest ones. Kada video niya na may kinalaman sa sub-pro and lalo na sa grammar, dina-download ko. Unfortunately, those videos got deleted here in my PC. Sayang din iyon. 

   * Google - You have to thank him so much kasi accessible masyado si Google ngayon. Haha. From the pdf of 1987 Phil Consti down to SVA and such, mapapa-thank you, Google, ka na lang talaga. 

   * Facebook Groups for CSC - Malaking tulong din sila especially if you want advice from them. Lalo na sa mga passer. They were also giving ways on how to solve mathematics, quizzes for word and grammar, etc. Diyan ako minsan tambay kapag breaktime namin. Hehe. 

* Aim High Notebook -  Above all, dito talaga ako nagpapasalamat nang malaki kasi hindi ako nito iniwan hanggang sa huli. Haha. I put here all my learning and binabalikan ko siya every now and then kasi nga, sa takot kong baka makalimot ako. 

So, last March 17, 2019, I went to Bayanan Elementary School in Bacoor, Cavite to take the examination. I was damned nervous. Haha. I chose not to review the learnings I gained kasi nga, baka, makalimutan ako. May tendency kasi ako minsan na gano’n. Depende sa mood. 

We took the examination for about three hours almost, if my memories served me right. Imagine how I compressed myself to answer all of the questions. LOL. Naalala ko lang din kasi iyong turo sa akin ni Ma’am My na you have to focus on the easiest questions and leave the difficult ones for the meantime. Kung no’ng una, hindi ko siya ginawa, this time, talagang ginawa ko na. As usual, nagtagal talaga ako sa math. I was damned running out of time so I hurriedly answered all the math questions. Hinulaan ko na lang talaga ang iba, swear. Sa English, medyo chill lang naman ako (hindi sa pagmamayabang, huh) kasi inaalala ko talaga ang ni-review ko ng madaling araw which is the SVA. My piece of advice for myself that time, kahit na hindi ko alam ang iba basta h’wag lang ang rules ng linshak na SVA kasi nga just like the lesson I learned from professional examination, doon mainly focused ang questions lalo na kapag grammar error. LOL.

Doon naman sa clerical, may instruction nga talaga kung paano aayusin ang jumbled words so I just followed it. Chill lang din. Sa Gen Info, salamat talaga sa Phil Consti kasi dadalawa o tatlo lang ang nando’n, hahaha. Iyak tawa talaga ako sa fifteen (yata) na questions niyan kasi ang mas tinanong, puro science. Hahaha. 

When I finished taking-up the examination, I looked for a church nearby because I really want to pray for Him and ask for his glory and guidance. Sabi ko kay Lord, “Ibigay N’yo na po sa akin `to, please. Ipasa N’yo po `ko. Ibinibigay ko po ang sarili ko sa Inyo, pakiusap po.”

Ang sabi ko pa noon, kung hindi ako makakapasa ng isang take, ayoko na lang mag-take na talaga. 

Then, I waited for 45 days for the releasing of passers. Talagang kabado ako sa part na `to, LOL. Kaso, may mga delay na nangyari kasi dapat `yung counting ng 45 days, humaba. Inisip ko, shet, hindi na yata ako pasado? Haha.

Until . . . last May 21, 2019, habang nagbabanyo ako, lumabas na ang result ng list ng mga nakapasa. I hurriedly went to the site and checked my name if it’s included in the list. Siyempre, letter A ang umpisa ng apelyedo ko kaya mas masaya. HAHAHA. 

The moment I saw my name included, my heart leaped and beat fast! Halos nagtitili ako ng pasasalamat sa Kan’ya. Haha. Whenever I remember it, napapangiti na lang ako. Hehe. 

I told my parents about it afterwards. Doon na ako naka-relax. Iba talaga ang prayers. Iba talaga ang powers ni Lord. Iba talaga. 

Because I passed it in one take only. Thank you, Lord. Thank you, God. <3

PS. May part 2 pa `to. Bukas na lang. Haha. 

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