#I've slept with more men than you!!!' I love bisexuals

[envolvenuances]

I will never be silenced about what a huge generation gap there is among women who fuck women when it comes to anal play

[genderqueerdykes]

hi, i love your blog ❤️ i was wondering if you could talk a little about bi lesbians? as a gnc nb genderfluid femme bi dyke(fag) i'm again and again heartbroken by the hate and exclusion we get from fellow lesbians and especially from fellow femmes and it SUCKS to always have to check someones bio in fear and to be constantly likened to terfs and fascists. thank you 💖

hello there, sure! this is a great ask

i've observed that too- specifically in the white cis femme community, there is a lot of hostility toward lesbians who are attracted to men and/or have slept with men. a lot of it stems from lesbian separatism and radfeminism- a lot of white cis femmes get wrapped up in that culture very easily, unfortunately

there's a lot of hostility toward male and transmasculine lesbians in the white cis femme community. i love cis femmes, but unfortunately many have fallen down the terf rabbit hole and believe that lesbian means woman attracted woman only, and it's unfortunate, because it's such a narrow view on lesbianism and leaves out most of the varied and complex relationships with sexuality and gender when it comes to lesbianism. unfortunately many white cis femme lesbians get wrapped up in believing that any expression of masculinity beyond androgyny or soft butch is too "aggressive" or "hostile".

a lot of people hold the belief that for whatever reason a lesbian is "tainted" once they've slept with a man, as though other lesbians will catch some type of contageous disease just by being near a lesbian who sleeps with men. it's really childish behavior- it's okay to not be attracted to men, but it's not a personal attack when another lesbian does find men attractive. it doesn't say anything about you- your partner's sexual identity doesn't have to line up 1:1 with yours in order to be legitimate

i know MANY lesbians who are attracted to men in some capacity or another and don't even consider themselves bisexual. for some people they acknowledge that attraction but don't consider it to be something that changes who they are, and this is an okay expression of this experience as well

bi lesbians have always been a part of the community, there are many photographs from events both recent and further in the past that show support for and acknowledgement of bisexual lesbians. dyke marches in particular have been very inclusive spaces for bi lesbians, and queer protests and pride meetups usually have a good number of bi lesbians among the crowd. it's a term that's been used for decades, and the example that i have readily available is a comic strip written by Alison Bechdel in 1999:

there's no reason why lesbian/sapphic/dyke attraction would be "cancelled out" by being attracted to men- one does not stop having a sapphic relationship with other people just because they find men attractive, especially considering that some men are lesbians, too. genderfluid and bigender people exist as well and it's okay for lesbians to be attracted to people with multiple genders

a lot of butches identify as both men and women and it doesn't make their partners not lesbians to be attracted to them. lesbian attraction is complex and there is a lot more to it than just being attracted to women. there's a lot of culture rooted in genderfuckery here, and even if a lesbian is attracted to a cis man, it doesn't matter. that's still okay. it doesn't 'cancel out' their lesbianism

some bi lesbians aren't even attracted to men, but rather a multitude of other genders. that doesn't make them not lesbians, either. you don't just stop being a lesbian just because you're attracted to multiple genders. it doesn't change anything about you, especially not the rest of your identity and your focus in life. for some, the people they're attracted to is very important and for others it's just a fact of life that isn't their primary focus

it doesn't make a woman or lesbian "straight" to be attracted to genders other than women

i hope that was what you were looking for! if you have any questions feel free to ask!

[shadow4-1]

Your hubby let u sleep with his friends ??? okkk girll i see you living the life we all want too (share ur secrets😣)

Oops I forgot I said that. Well...yes it's true. I've slept with a handful of my husband's friends (all of it was talked about beforehand, planned out, etc.)

Both my husband and I are bisexual. All of his friends he's had for years - since they were babies pretty much. They're all exceptionally close and they've experimented a lot together before I ever even came into the picture.

Besides my husband, none of them have girlfriends or wives (they're all in their late 20s now). I used to think it was a red flag but now I just realize they're all just tied to each other and fulfil their emotional needs that way. In fact, two of them are identical twins. They were suspicious when they met me at first (but after I witnessed a couple of them kissing my husband, let's just say they quickly came to realize I was definitely the girl for him).

(This picture is almost 10 years old. That's my husband in the blue jacket with half his friend group. We went out to a club, so all of us were piss drunk in the back of that taxi.)

Now, I'm not going to generalize Scottish men/people. I'm just going to give ya'll a rundown on what I've learned/observed over my multiple trips to Scotland. I've noticed that they tend to -

- Be chivalrous. Not a single guy I met (husband or otherwise) was rude or didn't use his manners the whole time I was there. And if they were amongst friends they had no issue with calling each other out for their bad behavior. Now that, that was nice to see. (So, yes, Soap's definitely has his manners and knows how to follow decorum well.)

- Be loud. Almost every man I met was boisterous and bright. Even the quiet ones (once I got them to talk) were animated. The culture over there is different than America (where I'm from), everyone seems to know everyone. So no one is seemingly scared of "strangers", they're usually pretty curious. (So, yes, Soap's talkative and interesting personality checks out.)

- Fight. Now, this one is because I spent a lot of time in bars. Again, unlike America, it's different. They don't carry guns (maybe a knife but even that's not the norm). Usually it's just a lot of posturing, yelling, and intimidation. But, if they actually decide to swing, usually the crowd will break it up and/or throw them outside. Fighting over there is kind of seen as a necessary evil. (So, yes, when they say Soap is a bit of a hot head and hops into fights I can definitely confirm it.)

- Welcome with open arms. I'm a plus size POC and most of the people you'll find in Scotland are Caucasian. You'd think there'd be some friction between me and the locals, but no. Not once was I ever treated unfairly by anyone. In fact, people loved to chat with me. I spent a lot of my time talking with strangers. (So, yes, Soap not batting an eye at Ghost and his ridiculous get up is on brand. He cares much more about getting to know the person underneath.)

I could go on. Maybe one day I'll be able to live my retirement years in Scotland. It's beautiful and green and walkable. Also they have Irn Bru, Jammie Dodgers, and my absolute favorite - Bairns Sausage Rolls. I'd immigrate just for those haha!

So yeah, I know a think or two, and Soap is a pretty great Scottish representation in my opinion. My husband is indifferent to him but maybe it's because he seems the similarities haha. If you want to hear more about my trysts I have no problem sharing! I've seen a lot and done alot in my short time here on Earth and trust me when I say I'm not stopping anytime soon! 😂

[mooseyspooky]

Sometimes I think about that interview that Morrissey gave to a french magazine announcing The Smiths breakup and he said that the band had gotten too close, desperately close to one another. I mean, he was obviously talking about he and Johnny. Then in a interview a few years later, Marr said that he hated the sexual tension that usually happens when you are in a band or something like that. I feel they both have given some clues about the breakup. A part of me thinks Johnny felt confused about being attracted to Moz and about his own sexuality. That's why he tried to act like a lad in the 90s. To me it was more than obvious that Morrissey became obsessed about jm and in a way, it was his first toxic love.

Yes, I've reblogged that interview before. I don't recall the Johnny interview you're talking about off hand, but...yeah.

I mean, there's so many layers to this. It's very easy to see Moz as the problem and absolve Johnny of the blame because he's "straight." Which, I completely don't believe. Johnny may not like to say it outright, but he's been sexually attracted to men many times in his life and his need for physical touch from men he finds attractive puts him firmly in the bisexual category to me. Johnny clung to Moz constantly, held him, slept against him, held his hand on plane rides to calm him down. Johnny spent all his free time with Moz, hardly ever seeing Angie - and when he did see Angie, Moz was with him most times. This happened with Bernard in the 90s, as well. Johnny hung out almost exclusively with a gay crowd back in the early 80s and had an openly gay best friend, Andrew Berry.

It's easy for me to see Moz overstepping boundaries when Johnny didn't seem to have any. He loved Moz writing queer coded music, has admitted he pushed for it - Johnny let Simon Wolstencroft go because he didn't like it. If Moz thought he had a chance with Johnny, well. I can't blame him. It must have been a huge slap in the face when Johnny told Angie hey let's get married, and then threw a shitty wedding the next day. To have spent that much time with someone, to be elbow to elbow with them, for months. To have written so many love songs. To have written What Do You See In Her/Him and been so fully convinced that Johnny was his - only for Johnny to just be like no, actually Angie and I are getting hitched now. She's apparently the one, true love of my life. Like, that's some serious mixed messaging.

So if Johnny "hates" the sexual tension, well. He only has himself to blame, I feel. And his shift in appearance during the 90s was surface level at best when he was doing the exact same thing to Bernard for the entire decade.

[adamsappl]

miscellaneous adam headcanons

adam is left-handed naturally, but has learned to be ambidextrous.

adam's longest standing long-term relationship is with eve. he's had a lot of trouble holding relationships that aren't wholly casual.

speaking of his relationship with eve: he LOVED that woman. still does. he and lilith were made for each other, yes -- but it felt. different. with eve. adam doesn't really know how to describe it. he knows he loved lilith from the beginning because he was MADE to do just that ;; but he actually had the time to fall for eve. he doesn't know that he'll ever be able to get over lilith, but by all means, eve was the love of his life. not that he'll ever SAY any of that.

he has a guitar collection! the one that doubles as a holy weapon is his pride and joy ( he loves that thing more than he does most people ) but he takes very good care of all of them.

i've talked about this before but he HATES people seeing his face. if ever you want to piss him off, trying to take off his helmet without his permission is the easiest way to do so. the mask stays ON during sex.

he is SO cold, all the time. his robes are made of thicker material -- but even outside of that, he usually wears warmer clothing. he likes to cover up.

even so, his fashion sense ( outside of work ) consists of leather jackets decorated with spikes, ripped jeans ( usually with leggings on underneath, ) big combat boots, and things of the like. he also has ear piercings and owns quite a bit of jewelry, though he doesn't often wear it.

for a soul as ancient as his, adam is SHOCKINGLY up-to-date with modern technology, slang, etc. he's not TOTALLY caught up with it all, but he's close enough.

he goes on dates and goes in and out of relationships and sleeps around, but lute is genuinely, genuinely the only person adam's actually connected with in SUCH a long time. their whole situationship is strange and adam is in no rush to start putting labels on it, but she is his #1.

adam is somewhere around 9ft tall, and has a crazy wingspan to match. aside from warmth and general comfort, the sheer size of his wings is why he usually keeps them tucked away at his sides rather than exposed at his back.

he has a weirdly high pain tolerance for someone that hasn't actually FELT pain in millenia.

though the guitar is his instrument of choice, he can play a large variety of instruments! generally, he has an affinity for those of the stringed variety.

adam has dyscalculia. that's it that's the headcanon.

adam is bisexual ( and has a preference for women/fem presenting people, ) but he's been in denial about it for literally as long as he's existed. he's slept with men, he's dated men, etc etc, but if asked, all you'll get from him is yeah obviously i'm straight wdym. i was just curious. mind your business.

[sins-of-the-sea]

"All right, let's get this straight!

"Well, not 'straight' straight, but… you know what I mean!"

"I get what you mean, Ruixiong.

"I don't know if I'm truly bisexual. I've slept with women when I was among the Brethren of the Coast. Honestly? I felt nothing. Those times I did, it wasn't out of love or attraction, but for money and other goals. 'Gay for pay', so to speak."

"Oh! But… out of all of us, who still identify as men, you fell for the Captain."

"I was not attracted to Rashid's constant state of drunkenness, and while I have slept with younger men in the past, I was not attracted to any of you four boys at all. That is not to say Josep was the only choice due to elimination, though.

"I was genuinely in love with him before we started making love. He was the first man whose child I carried was one I truly loved. I had significantly more patience with him being comfortable with contact than I did with any other man, or women when the situation called for it. I mean it when I say he is my heart, my love, my life. I suppose in this case, all of this still applies even if he isn't fully male."

"So…. demi-bi? Pan? Or…."

"How about I say I don't care for labels for now? I never did with any of you, so the same should apply for myself, no?"

"That works!"

[yareadyfreddie]

I can't figure out if I've never come out, have always been out, or am constantly coming out.

I've never felt the need to announce myself, because I guess I feel like it's obvious, and yet I get weird or surprised looks when I mention finding a woman hot or dating a girl. "Weren't you married?" To a man is implied, even though same sex marriage has been legal in this state for over a decade. (I was married to a man, as a Cis woman, so I suppose what's obvious to me wasn't to the masses, but that's not my problem.)

I never think about beforehand, while alluding to my queerness offhand, matter-of-fact; it's only in the aftermath, getting funny looks and less than favorable reactions that I think, "should I have said that?" Not really my problem though.

The only struggle I've had, bisexuality wise, was all the gay friends I had in the 00s telling me I was straight, and that the number of girls I'd slept with meant nothing if I'd only ever seriously dated men. At the time I thought, that's fair, they would know, right? Now, looking back, I'm a little mad about it, sometimes. No one says that anymore though.

Truth is, now that I'm older, I realize that although I'm equally attracted to all genders sexually, I am romantically attracted to no one. That's the hard part.

"Weren't you married?" Yeah, and now I'm divorced. I didn't MIND being married, it was kind of fun - like having a roommate  and sex buddy all in one. (Turns out the spouse boy saw it a little differently. Luckily, he's not mad anymore, even though we're no longer roommates or sex buddies, we are the bestiest still. I think you can't go through a divorce without coming out either enemies or comrades in arms, but maybe that's just me. Maybe people shouldn't get married because of existential ennui though, or for the vine. Me, I'm people.)

Anyway, the bisexuality was never an issue, regardless of what other people thought. Whether you're a man or a woman or both or neither, yes, I will sleep with you if I think you're hot and/or funny enough. It's what comes after that's the problem. I won't remember your birthday, I will not buy you flowers, and I won't be upset if you like someone else or someone else likes you. I won't call, I won't text, and if I buy you a present just because I was thinking of you it will probably be coffee (I will randomly buy you coffee at least once a year, especially if I've forgotten you hate coffee). I have never in my life remembered an anniversary, or usually even known when it was. Sometimes, I will randomly appear for a booty call, and you'll think it's a romantic surprise, but the only surprise is it's just a booty call. I don't like to cuddle and I hate holding hands, and this seems to offend or baffle people the most  because I'm soft and small and delicate looking. But really, I just want to be left alone.

THIS was my struggle. Coming to terms with liking women wasn't a thing for me - it was as simple as kissing a girl on a dare at age 18 and thinking "oh wow, this is also hot. I've been missing out."

The Aro thing is - no one understands it. "But you dated! A LOT! You were Married!" Yeah, well, I didn't know some people just don't fall in love. I figured I'd eventually be comfortable with romance through like, exposure therapy or whatever. And maybe some Aro people are more comfy in this disease ridden social climate being exclusive (for myself, I haven't had a closed relationship since high school, but that's a whole other can of worms).

I also get: But you read romance! Excessively! Yeah, well, some people are obsessed with murder mysteries but most of them aren't murderers or detectives or little old ladies with typewriters and a suspicious trail of death. It's fun when it's other people!

Then I get: It sounds like you're emotionally constipated, immature, and need to learn to be vulnerable. Oooooh buddy. It sounds like you need to get the fuck off my dick.

Anyway.

I wish a polycule would just adopt me, like some kind of human cat or something, where I can come and go as I please without the full burden of possibly being someone's sole romantic interest. Because I do crave touch sometimes, and I do miss a steady sex partner, but I'm never going to be fully present. Going into relationships stating I'm not going to be the ideal girlfriend always ends messy, because either I'm not believed or it's taken as a challenge. It's so frustrating.

Anyway, those are the perils of being Aro but not Ace I guess.

I just needed to scream into the void a bit.

[peacehopeandrats]

😏 🐶 🏳️‍🌈 🌙

😏 Discord:

Yeah. I'm on discord. peacehopeandrats

Just like everything else that is social, I'm there off and on though. If you are asking to chat, I'm happy to do it, but my schedule just doesn't allow for a lot of down time. I'm not on many servers. There's the Rumbelle stuff, of course.. and some for a couple board games I love which also have online versions. My private minecraft server also has a discord, as do some f the podcasts I listen to/support.

🐶 Dogs or cats:

This is a tricky one for a pet sitter because I shouldn't be taking favorites, but I have always been a dog person. I like cats, I have one, but he is more useful to me than pet-like and I'm okay with that. He has a job, which is to exist around my house and smell like a cat so the wild mice don't come in from the woods that surround our property. The fact that he plays with and kills wood roaches is extremely helpful too. My dogs are more like my family in my heart. They don't have jobs, they just live here and get noisy when strangers show up on the property to make them think twice about breaking in. Okay, I guess that's a job.

I am trying to teach the cat to walk on a leash (he wants to walk with the dogs, but is afraid of cars and the road) but he doesn't quite care for it even though he throws a fit when he is left behind and the dogs go for their walks. He thinks he is a dog. He even growls at the delivery trucks.

🏳️‍🌈 A member of the LGBTQIA+ community:

Sure. I'm married to a woman, but do find some men attractive and have slept with one or two in my lifetime. The easiest way to explain the issues I have with men is to say that one repeatedly molested me when I was 12 and since then being with anyone (even women) can be tricky. I can get triggered at random times and feel trapped, then panic. I have had people tell me that I might be more on the Ace spectrum since my interests are naturally more localized to a specific person, but I don't believe that to be true. Molestation at a young age like that really fucks up your desires and even after years of therapy this shit isn't going away. Being necessarily picky about who I trust to put their hands on me doesn't make me Ace, it makes me a survivor. I still have the same drives and attractions for both women and men, I just have to be careful about them. BuT, for most of my life I didn't feel worthy of the Bisexual title because of this. Now, the longer I live and the more the world accepts things like trauma, I feel less like I am insulting Bisexuals by claiming to be one when I could only sleep with a very specific type of man. So B is the letter up there that fits me best.

🌙 Length of time I've been here:

Sorry to say that I haven't got a clue. I do know I have passed an anniversary because I joined just as the TEAs were starting. I'm horrible at remembering years. Don't even remember my own age most times. Just a matter of those numbers not being important to me like they are to most people.

Thanks for these. I love an excuse to chat.

[hellomynameisbisexual]

Here's a shortlist of those who realized that I — a cis woman who'd identified as heterosexual for decades of life — was in fact actually bi, long before I realized it myself recently: my sister, all my friends, my boyfriend, and the TikTok algorithm.

On TikTok, the relationship between user and algorithm is uniquely (even sometimes uncannily) intimate. An app which seemingly contains as many multitudes of life experiences and niche communities as there are people in the world, we all start in the lowest common denominator of TikTok. Straight TikTok (as it's popularly dubbed) initially bombards your For You Page with the silly pet videos and viral teen dances that folks who don't use TikTok like to condescendingly reduce it to.

Quickly, though, TikTok begins reading your soul like some sort of divine digital oracle, prying open layers of your being never before known to your own conscious mind. The more you use it, the more tailored its content becomes to your deepest specificities, to the point where you get stuff that's so relatable that it can feel like a personal attack (in the best way) or (more dangerously) even a harmful trigger from lifelong traumas.

For example: I don't know what dark magic (read: privacy violations) immediately clued TikTok into the fact that I was half-Brazilian, but within days of first using it, Straight TikTok gave way to at first Portuguese-speaking then broader Latin TikTok. Feeling oddly seen (being white-passing and mostly American-raised, my Brazilian identity isn't often validated), I was liberal with the likes, knowing that engagement was the surefire way to go deeper down this identity-affirming corner of the social app.

TikTok made lots of assumptions from there, throwing me right down the boundless, beautiful, and oddest multiplicities of Alt TikTok, a counter to Straight TikTok's milquetoast mainstreamness.

Home to a wide spectrum of marginalized groups, I was giving out likes on my FYP like Oprah, smashing that heart button on every type of video: from TikTokers with disabilities, Black and Indigenous creators, political activists, body-stigma-busting fat women, and every glittering shade of the LGBTQ cornucopia. The faves were genuine, but also a way to support and help offset what I knew about the discriminatory biases in TikTok's algorithm.

My diverse range of likes started to get more specific by the minute, though. I wasn't just on general Black TikTok anymore, but Alt Cottagecore Middle-Class Black Girl TikTok (an actual label one creator gave her page's vibes). Then it was Queer Latina Roller Skating Girl TikTok, Women With Non-Hyperactive ADHD TikTok, and then a double whammy of Women Loving Women (WLW) TikTok alternating between beautiful lesbian couples and baby bisexuals.

Looking back at my history of likes, the transition from queer “ally” to “salivating simp” is almost imperceptible.

There was no one precise "aha" moment. I started getting "put a finger down" challenges that wouldn't reveal what you were putting a finger down for until the end. Then, 9-fingers deep (winkwink), I'd be congratulated for being 100% bisexual. Somewhere along the path of getting served multiple WLW Disney cosplays in a single day and even dom lesbian KinkTok roleplay — or whatever the fuck Bisexual Pirate TikTok is — deductive reasoning kind of spoke for itself.

But I will never forget the one video that was such a heat-seeking missile of a targeted attack that I was moved to finally text it to my group chat of WLW friends with a, "Wait, am I bi?" To which the overwhelming consensus was, "Magic 8 Ball says, 'Highly Likely.'"

Serendipitously posted during Pride Month, the video shows a girl shaking her head at the caption above her head, calling out confused and/or closeted queers who say shit like, "I think everyone is a LITTLE bisexual," to the tune of "Closer" by The Chainsmokers. When the lyrics land on the word "you," she points straight at the screen — at me — her finger and inquisitive look piercing my hopelessly bisexual soul like Cupid's goddamn arrow.

Oh no, the voice inside my head said, I have just been mercilessly perceived.

As someone who had, in fact, done feminist studies at a tiny liberal arts college with a gender gap of about 70 percent women, I'd of course dabbled. I've always been quick to bring up the Kinsey scale, to champion a true spectrum of sexuality, and to even declare (on multiple occasions) that I was, "straight, but would totally fuck that girl!"

Oh no, the voice inside my head returned, I've literally just been using extra words to say I was bi.

After consulting the expertise of my WLW friend group (whose mere existence, in retrospect, also should've clued me in on the flashing neon pink, purple, and blue flag of my raging bisexuality), I ran to my boyfriend to inform him of the "news."

"Yeah, baby, I know. We all know," he said kindly.

"How?!" I demanded.

Well for one, he pointed out, every time we came across a video of a hot girl while scrolling TikTok together, I'd without fail watch the whole way through, often more than once, regardless of content. (Apparently, straight girls do not tend to do this?) For another, I always breathlessly pointed out when we'd pass by a woman I found beautiful, often finding a way to send a compliment her way. ("I'm just a flirt!" I used to rationalize with a hand wave, "Obvs, I'm not actually sexually attracted to them!") Then, I guess, there were the TED Talk-like rants I'd subject him to about the thinly veiled queer relationship in Adventure Time between Princess Bubblegum and Marcelyne the Vampire Queen — which the cowards at Cartoon Network forced creators to keep as subtext!

And, well, when you lay it all out like that...

But my TikTok-fueled bisexual awakening might actually speak less to the omnipotence of the app's algorithm, and more to how heteronormativity is truly one helluva drug.

Sure, TikTok bombarded me with the thirst traps of my exact type of domineering masc lady queers, who reduced me to a puddle of drool I could no longer deny. But I also recalled a pivotal moment in college when I briefly questioned my heterosexuality, only to have a lesbian friend roll her eyes and chastise me for being one of those straight girls who leads Actual Queer Women on. I figured she must know better. So I never pursued any of my lady crushes in college, which meant I never experimented much sexually, which made me conclude that I couldn't call myself bisexual if I'd never had actual sex with a woman. I also didn't really enjoy lesbian porn much, though the fact that I'd often find myself fixating on the woman during heterosexual porn should've clued me into that probably coming more from how mainstream lesbian porn is designed for straight men.

The ubiquity of heterormativity, even when unwittingly perpetrated by members of the queer community, is such an effective self-sustaining cycle. Aside from being met with queer-gating (something I've since learned bi folks often experience), I had a hard time identifying my attraction to women as genuine attraction, simply because it felt different to how I was attracted to men.

Heteronormativity is truly one helluva drug.

So much of women's sexuality — of my sexuality — can feel defined by that carnivorous kind of validation you get from men. I met no societal resistance in fully embodying and exploring my desire for men, either (which, to be clear, was and is insatiable slut levels of wanting that peen.) But in retrospect, I wonder how many men I slept with not because I was truly attracted to them, but because I got off on how much they wanted me.

My attraction to women comes with a different texture of eroticism. With women (and bare with a baby bi, here), the attraction feels more shared, more mutual, more tender rather than possessive. It's no less raw or hot or all-consuming, don't get me wrong. But for me at least, it comes more from a place of equality rather than just power play. I love the way women seem to see right through me, to know me, without us really needing to say a word.

I am still, as it turns out, a sexual submissive through-and-through, regardless of what gender my would-be partner is. But, ignorantly and unknowingly, I'd been limiting my concept of who could embody dominant sexual personas to cis men. But when TikTok sent me down that glorious rabbit hole of masc women (who know exactly what they're doing, btw), I realized my attraction was not to men, but a certain type of masculinity. It didn't matter which body or genitalia that presentation came with.

There is something about TikTok that feels particularly suited to these journeys of sexual self-discovery and, in the case of women loving women, I don't think it's just the prescient algorithm. The short-form video format lends itself to lightning bolt-like jolts of soul-bearing nakedness, with the POV camera angles bucking conventions of the male gaze, which entrenches the language of film and TV in heterosexual male desire.

In fairness to me, I'm far from the only one who missed their inner gay for a long time — only to have her pop out like a queer jack-in-the-box throughout a near year-long quarantine that led many of us to join TikTok. There was the baby bi mom, and scores of others who no longer had to publicly perform their heterosexuality during lockdown — only to realize that, hey, maybe I'm not heterosexual at all?

Flooded with video after video affirming my suspicions, reflecting my exact experiences as they happened to others, the change in my sexual identity was so normalized on TikTok that I didn't even feel like I needed to formally "come out." I thought this safe home I'd found to foster my baby bisexuality online would extend into the real world.

But I was in for a rude awakening.

Testing out my bisexuality on other platforms, casually referring to it on Twitter, posting pictures of myself decked out in a rainbow skate outfit (which I bought before realizing I was queer), I received nothing but unquestioning support and validation. Eventually, I realized I should probably let some members of my family know before they learned through one of these posts, though.

Daunted by the idea of trying to tell my Latina Catholic mother and Swiss Army veteran father (who's had a crass running joke about me being a "lesbian" ever since I first declared myself a feminist at age 12), I chose the sibling closest to me. Seeing as how gender studies was one of her majors in college too, I thought it was a shoo-in. I sent an off-handed, joke-y but serious, "btw I'm bi now!" text, believing that's all that would be needed to receive the same nonchalant acceptance I found online.

It was not.

I didn't receive a response for two days. Hurt and panicked by what was potentially my first mild experience of homophobia, I called them out. They responded by insisting we need to have a phone call for such "serious" conversations. As I calmly tried to express my hurt on said call, I was told my text had been enough to make this sibling worry about my mental wellbeing. They said I should be more understanding of why it'd be hard for them to (and I'm paraphrasing) "think you were one way for twenty-eight years" before having to contend with me deciding I was now "something else."

But I wasn't "something else," I tried to explain, voice shaking. I hadn't knowingly been deceiving or hiding this part of me. I'd simply discovered a more appropriate label. But it was like we were speaking different languages. Other family members were more accepting, thankfully. There are many ways I'm exceptionally lucky, my IRL environment as supportive as Baby Bi TikTok. Namely, I'm in a loving relationship with a man who never once mistook any of it as a threat, instead giving me all the space in the world to understand this new facet of my sexuality.

I don't have it all figured out yet. But at least when someone asks if I listen to Girl in Red on social media, I know to answer with a resounding, "Yes," even though I've never listened to a single one of her songs. And for now, that's enough.

[diana-prince-s]

so glad you said what you said about lesbians being allowed to explore their attraction. it's been a very confusing time for me because i've always identified as a lesbian from the time i knew i wasn't straight and i was never interested in men but the more i got into drag culture the more my sexuality and identity were challenged as i realized that gender was entirely performative and i will sometimes be attracted to non women that intentionally present feminine like drag queens. i always joke and say we should apply the horseshoe theory to the kinsey scale too

very this! it's something that I've had to explore and adjust to literally since becoming interested in drag, half because watching Drag Race has changed my relationship to my gender and masculinity considerably, and half because I've found myself now attracted to a lot of non-women who look like women sometimes but who I know aren't women... it's so confusing. Particularly when the queens I find attractive are Trixie Mattel, who doesn't even look like a real person, or queens like Rosé and Katya who maintain a lot of their "masculine" features even when doing pretty or fishy femme drag.

There's a part of Paul Takes the Form of a Mortal Girl by Andrea Lawlor that I think sums this up really well when Paul is considering his lesbian friend Jane: "Even the femmes are a bit mannish. The minute he had confirmation... that a subject was a homosexual, Paul compulsively searched for the flaws in that person's gender. Every gay had these flaws, Paul thought..." (66). I think that's the key to why lesbians love drag queens (and specifically non-woman identifying queens) so much -- because if they looked like really feminine cis women they'd lose that "flaw" of gender that in some way signals queer. I've always found women with sharp jawlines and cheekbones most attractive (like Katie McGrath or Idina Menzel) so of course I find queens attractive with that really strong, "masculine" bone structure.

and the definition of lesbian has changed, is changing, and it's very individualized. Identifying as queer, a lesbian, bisexual, whatever is politically important for LGBTQ liberation, but also... these are really individualized experiences. No, being a lesbian isn't inherently explicit or sexual, but attraction and sexuality are personal and in some parts private experiences, so there literally is not one way to be a lesbian. and because gender is so fluid and because we're accepting how fluid it truly is, our labels have to be fluid, too. and no one really ever figured out who they were without experimenting. I know a girl who came to college as the most out lesbian in her high school, she was part of my LGBTQ-centered orientation group and advising group, and within the first week of school she slept with a guy and they're still dating four years later, and she looks more queer than me sometimes. this shit is weird

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hey, do you know any fics where Johnlock are in a queerplatonic relationship? I've read exactly one, Awakening by Guanin, and I'm craving more. Bonus points if either of them are aroace or apsec in any way :D

Hi Lovely!!

I know of a few!!! Funny story: I thought I only knew of two… when I started tag-searching, turns out I know more than I thought I knew I’ve also added the one you suggested, since I haven’t read that one yet!!

QUEERPLATONIC / ACE RELATIONSHIPS

See also: 

Platonics and Domestics

Platonics & Domestics Pt 2 / Hugs, Cuddles & Kisses Pt. 3 / Tooth-Rotting Fluff Pt. 4 / Love Confessions, Slow Burn & Dev. Rel. Pt. 2 / Established Relationship Pt. 3

Platonics / Bromance / Friendship Pt. 3

Do You Love Me? by whitchry9 (K, 641 w. || Friendship, Family, Epic Bromance) – John asks Sherlock perhaps the most important question. 

Settling In by PorcupineGirl (T, 1,030 w. || Ace Sherlock/Straight-Biromo John, Queerplatonic Relationship, Fluff) – Asexual!Sherlock/Straight!John in a queerplatonic romantic relationship. It’s a bit of an oddball, but anything fluffy and loving and nonporny will be endlessly and forever adored. It’s always fun to see the two work out that hey, we’re in love, we don’t have sex, but it’s still a wonderful and meaningful relationship.

Cuddling by GraciousK (G, 1,107 w. || Angst, Cuddling, Hypothermia, Dev. Rel., Fluff and Angst) - John finds Sherlock and he’s delirious. John saves Sherlock, semi-happy ending.

The Cure for Snoring by Goddess_of_the_Night (G, 1,278 w. || Sleepy Conversations, Bed Sharing, Cuddling, Fluff, Domestic, Platonic / Sleepy Cuddles) – Sherlock and John spend the night in Scotland after finishing a case. The sole Inn in town only has one room left…one bed. This would be fine - if not a bit awkward - if Sherlock hadn’t developed a habit of snoring loudly. John suffers through many hours of sleeplessness before he discovers that skin-to-skin contact stops the noise. Part 1 of Dreamscapes

Random Numbers by songlin (T, 1,671 w. || Ace Sherlock / Straight John, Cuddling / Snuggling, Massage, Hand Holding, Bed Sharing, Fluff, Post-TRF, Slice of Life) – A collection of moments in the relationship of asexual!Sherlock and straight!John.

the fearful passage of death-mark’d love by flibbertygigget (T, 1,980 w. || Magical Realism, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Platonic Life Partners, Name Marks, Referenced Deaths) – The first time that John meets Sherlock Holmes, the younger man has his sleeves pushed up to his elbows, wrists bare of any hint of ink. Within 48 hours, John has added “Jefferson Hope” to his clavicle. (Or: The One Where, When You Kill Someone, Their Name Shows Up On Your Arm)

Tangential by Bitenomnom (NR, 2,047 w. || Ace Sherlock, Fluff and Love, Cuddles, Friendship, Sherlock is a Kept Man, Sherlock Divorces his Work, Nightmares) – In which John stitches up Sherlock’s head (but not really), Sherlock comes into John’s room at night to take his laptop (but not really), Sherlock is married to his Work (but not really), and John is more than proficient at keeping Sherlock (really, definitely). Part 48 of Mathematical Proof

L'Esprit D'Escalier by TheSoulOfAStrawberry (K, 2,011 w. || Ace Sherlock, Romance, H/C, Pining) – A lack of understanding leads to a misunderstanding, which in turn leads to two confused men dealing with something they should have sorted out earlier, rather than on John’s wedding day.

Rooftop Confession by Random_Nexus (T, 2,514 w. || Ace Sherlock, Developing Relationship, Friendship / Love, Angsty Fluff) – Sherlock asks John to join him for a slightly unexpected discussion.

As You Wish by PipMer (K, 3,311 w. || Bromance/Pre-Slash/Epic Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, John Whump, Hospitals) – When John woke from his coma, he wasn’t at all surprised to see the wrong Holmes brother sitting at his bedside. Disappointed, but not surprised. 

The Second Law of Thermodynamics by entanglednow (T, 3,614 || Asexual Sherlock, Bed Sharing, Sharing Body Heat) – In which there’s no heating and there’s a dead owl in Sherlock’s bed. Part 1 of Thermodynamics

The Genetic Algorithm by Bitenomnom (NR, 3,786 w. || Ace Sherlock, Friendship, Cuddling Fluff, Sherlock Experiments on John, Alternating First Person POV) – Some problems defy the usage of cold, clean-cut linear logic. It is impossible to devise a way to take steps that ultimately lead exactly to an optimal answer. Sherlock believes John Watson is one of those problems. Part 28 of Mathematical Proof

Breakfast, acronyms and brotherhood by Rose de Sharon (K+, 4,074 w. || TBB Fic, Friendship/Bromance, Hurt/Comfort, Protective John, Fluff) – Set after The Blind Banker: my take of Sherlock and John’s conversation over breakfast. S/J friendship, bromance, no slash.

Bed-Sharing Between Flatmates by testosterone_tea (T, 5,053 w. || 5 and Ones, Bed Sharing, PTSD John, Science, Whump, Insecure Sherlock, Asexual Sherlock) – 5 times Sherlock had an excuse to share John’s bed, and the one time he didn’t need one.

The Important Bit by Solshine (G, 9,984 w. || Platonic Marriage, Domestics, Asexual Sherlock) – Just where exactly is the line between “to love” and “to be in love”? What difference is required between “flatmate” and “husband”? (Besides the rings, obviously.) No, the important bit is that they have each other. Thirty years, give or take, in an atypical marriage. Basically a long bit of platonic domestic fluff.

A Is For Aftermath by ElvendorkInfinity (T, 10,567 w. || Injury / Whump, Hurt/Comfort, Friendship/Pre-Slash/Bromance/Platonics, Hallucinations, Introspection, Insecure / Worried John, Big Brother Mycroft, Alternating POV, Anxious Sherlock, Self-Deprecating, Mildly Possessive Sherlock, 3G Moment) – John is still hallucinating, Sherlock cannot sleep, and Lestrade has a new case for them. But will life at 221B ever be able to return to normal? Epilogue to M is for Moriarty.

Catastrophe Medicine by LaSuen (T, 11,550 w. || Hurt / Comfort, Suspense, Adventure, Whump, Hard Core Bromance) – Chasing after a pyromaniac bomber Sherlock and John wind up in a deserted building which explodes and leaves them trapped under the rubble, both severely injured.

Always the sun by Rose de Sharon (K+, 12,377 w. || Song Fic, Alternate Post-TGG, Friendship/Bromance, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection / Reflection, Injury Recovery, Obsessive / Protective Sherlock, Nightmares, John’s Past, Bed Sharing / Cuddles) – Sherlock ponders about how much his life has changed since John has become his flatmate.

Shuteye Shenanigans by Ayakae (K+, 13,263 w. || Post-TRF, Friendship / Epic Bromance, John’s Nightmares, Angsty Fluff, Bed Sharing, Humour, Cuddles, Taking Care of Each Other, Domestics) – John Watson has never slept with Sherlock Holmes. Never ever ever. And never will, thank you very much. Well, there was that one time, but John didn’t count that. It was completely different, just like the second time it happened. And the third. And the fourth. Epic bromance, but it can be read as pre-slash if you wish.

Hope for Heroes by Richefic (K+, 16,887 w. || Post-TGG Fic, Introspection / Flashbacks, Friendship/Epic Bromance, Hurt/Comfort, Worried/Anxious Sherlock, Sherlock Admires John, BAMF John, John Deduces, Fancy Party, John’s Self Esteem, Domestics) – In the final moments of “The Great Game” Holmes hopes he will have the chance to tell his flatmate that he was wrong. Heroes do exist after all and the one in front of him is called Dr John Watson.

Sherlock’s Head, John’s Heart by Altego (T, 17,252 w. || Tragedy, Heavy Angst, Heavy Bromance, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Mary is Nice, Friendship) – After Mary dies, John tries to cope, and Sherlock blames himself but tries to make John understand how important John is in his life.

Checkmate to a Castled King by LaSuen (T, 18,290 w. || Friendship/Bromance, Hurt / Comfort, Sick Sherlock, Rev. Reich.) - John dies. Or at least everyone thinks he does.

An Experiment in Apathy Series by belovedmuerto (G to E, 28,701 w. across 13 stories || Empath John, Empath-by-Proxy Sherlock, Epic Bromance Becomes Romance, Angst, Nightmares, Experiments, Trauma, Dreams) – “No man is an island, John. You less so than most.” A sequel to the EiE Series, wherein John and Sherlock explore their relationship.

A Week is Just Seven Days Isn’t It? by scifigrl47 (T, 39,906 w. || Humour, Friendship/Bromance, Stroppy Sherlock, Undercover/Army John, Texting, Pining-ish Sherlock, John Whump) – When John heads overseas for a week, Sherlock’s forced to fend for himself. It goes about as well as anyone could have anticipated. Which is to say, very, very poorly. Don’t worry, things’ll be fine in just seven days.

Awakenings by Guanin (T, 41,034 w. || Post-S1, Cuddling & Snuggling, Ace!Sherlock, Aro!Sherlock, Bisexuality, Queerplatonic Relationships) – John’s breath shook the collar of Sherlock’s shirt, breath which was pleasantly warm and bathed the skin of Sherlock’s neck and collarbone in a tantalizing way that Sherlock wasn’t sure if he wished to analyze at the moment, yet was doing anyway, because how couldn’t he? It incited a slight tremble in his skin at first, the slightest pricking sensation as his breath shuddered to a stop in his throat at the sudden and unexpected intimacy of it. John’s breath, John’s, brushing against him and Sherlock letting it remain so close as if it belonged there, no more alien to his own body than the clothes he wore. Because it was John’s. {{TO READ}}

Holmes is where the heart is by Rose de Sharon (T, 49,636 w. || Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Post-TRF, Reunion Fic, Bromance, Empty House Inspired, Adventure) – Three years after the Reichenbach Fall. On the anniversary of Sherlock’s death, John pays a visit at 221 B Baker Street… and he gets the shock of his life.

A Love with No Name Series by aceofhearts61 (G to M, 49,955 w. across 20 stories || Asexual Sherlock / Straight John, Est. Rel, Queerplatonic Relationship, Romance, Cuddling, Fluff, Platonic Romance, Domestics) – In which Asexual!Sherlock and Straight!John are platonically in love life partners.

An Experiment in Empathy Series by belovedmuerto (T, 62,397 w. across 13 stories || Empath AU || Psychic John, Psychic-by-Proxy Sherlock, Empathy, Psychic Bond, Romance / Bromance) – In which John is an empath, Sherlock is Sherlock, and an epic bromance happens. In the aftermath of The Great Game, John creates an unexpected bond between himself and Sherlock. Now they have to learn how to deal with it. John is better at this than Sherlock is.

The Green Blade by verityburns (T, 72,929 w. || Casefic, Bromance) – As a serial killer hits the headlines, the police are out of their depth and the next victim is out of time. With faith in Sherlock Holmes at an all time low, this is a case which will push loyalties to the limit…

Unkissed Series by 221b_hound (T to E, 184,168 w. across 46 works || Established Relationship, Ace Sherlock) – Sherlock returned from the dead a year ago. John returned to Baker Street six months ago. They’ve been in a couple since then. or at least, not NOT a couple. For two smart men, they sure can be dumb. Luckily, an art thief tries to drown Sherlock, Sherlock has a fever dream and things are about to change.

[queercapwriting]

Cap, I've struggled with my own internalized Biphobia over the years. I was wondering if you could do a fic of Carol coming to terms with her own bisexuality ? Maybe with some help, if you'd like? I'm not picky.

She didn’t think about it a lot; labels.

Because there were plenty horrible ones for her, and plenty more horrible ones for Maria. Plenty horrible ones for the two of them spending so much time together, for the two of them all but raising a daughter together; for the two of them loving, existing, together.

So labels weren’t things she was deeply invested in.

Higher further faster was a way of life, a code, an ethic, a promise.

Not a label.

She and Maria didn’t need a label. 

Because she knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the things that Maria felt for her, every single time she looked into her eyes. And she knew Maria knew the same.

She knew she loved Monica like her own daughter, and she knew Maria considered herself a single parent in label only.

Labels.

Who needed them?

Except, sometimes, she did. Because sometimes, they got stifling, and the assumptions got painful, and the utter confusion at the way you breathe your oxygen got infuriating beyond belief.

So she needed, sometimes, labels for herself, so others wouldn’t insist on pinning her with their own.

But she hated herself for it. With this particular label.

Bisexual.

Pretty white blonde girl in love with a gorgeous Black woman. Except whenever she was out on her own, men assumed what she wanted, and who she wanted it from.

She didn’t need bisexual thrown in the mix. She’d grown up on too many accusations of the need to pick a side, to stop trying to be trendy, to make up her mind already, to stop taking up space where she didn’t belong.

The thing was, though, that Carol Danvers didn’t ever beg for invitations to know when she belonged somewhere.

She belonged in Maria��s arms, and Maria in hers; and if she also had slept with men, and enjoyed it, or could find a deep-seated appreciation and arousal at, say, a certain War Machine when the time came, that didn’t mean she belonged any less in Maria’s arms. 

Or that she belonged any less in women’s spaces, devoted to loving women. 

Or that she belonged any less in flirtations with men, or pleasant recollections of ex boyfriends (the ones that she didn’t leave because she never should have gotten with them to begin with).

She belonged exactly where she knew she belonged.

Right?

“Where’s your head at?” Maria crawled into bed beside her and asked, because somehow, Maria always knew.

“Labels are stupid,” was all she muttered, but she relished the way Maria’s eyes went all thoughtful.

“Yeah,” she agreed after a long minute, “when they’re not killing us they’re keeping us alive.”

“Truth. And it, I dunno. Whatever.”

“You still thinking about what that girl at Pancho’s said to you last week? About making up your mind?”

“Well, I sure made up my mind that she’s an ignorant jerk.”

Maria snuggled into her, and Carol’s body immediately relaxed.

“Well, we already knew that. She really got to you, didn’t she baby?”

Carol rolled her eyes, more at herself than at Maria. Maria knew, and she waited.

“It’s stupid, right? I can have a dog fight at 8,000 feet and not break a sweat, but some drunk college kid who wasn’t even trying to make me feel bad makes me spin out? How stupid’s that?”

“It’s not,” Maria said simply, because when she talked, Carol listened. It didn’t take all that many words. “It’s not stupid at all. But it’s clearly bothering you. And that’s okay.”

“Eh.”

“Alright, different tactic. Got it.” Maria squinted her eyes in thought, and Carol kissed her nose, because god, was she cute when she was in problem-solving mode. “When I told you I’d slept with Monica’s father, did you hate me?”

“God, no.”

“Did you think I loved women any less? Or that I’d been repulsed by him and had just been faking it for some kick?”

“No. I thought we were going to have a baby.”

Maria leaned forward and kissed Carol’s mouth. It tasted like heaven and past, present, and future.

“Exactly. I know it’s hard, baby, but you’ve gotta try being as kind and defensive of yourself as you are to my women-loving bisexual ass.”

“I love your ass.”

Maria nodded like she’d emerged triumphant from a battle to the death. “Exactly.”

“So… because I love my girlfriend’s ass… I should…”

“Accept that internalized biphobia is real as shit and you’ve gotta be stronger than it because it doesn’t deserve your attention, and if you’re gonna give it your attention you gotta know that you’re not alone because Lieutenant Trouble and I love you more than anything in this universe?”

“That was extremely specific.”

“I’m an extremely specific woman.”

“I love you.”

“I know. And I love you. All of you, Carol flannel-wearing-motorcycle-riding-all-you-need-is-a-bob-haircut Bisexual Danvers.”

“Well. I guess that’s okay then,” Carol smirked that smirk that she knew drove Maria out of her mind. 

And sure enough, Maria’s mouth was on hers before she had the chance to say, again and again and again, just how much she loved her.

[bartsugsy]

That may be an odd question but since I've seen gifs about Robert choosing Aaron over Rebecca I wanted you to maybe talk about the same theme but in Rebecca's shoes imagine Aaron. Did Robert cared about Aaron? Like more than Chrissie during their affair? A woman he admired and loved. When he was asked he said to Bex "I care about Aaron more. I will never leave him for ya" but did that apply to Aaron as well when he was in Rebecca's shoes? There is 'I want u' 'I love u' and 'Im in love with u'

so like… you mean rob told rebecca he’d always choose aaron over her but he also, in the affair era, told aaron that he would choose chrissie? and what’s the difference, if there’s one?

i mean, you’re forgetting i think that robert during the affair era was driven by both a love of money and power and more importantly, internalised homophobia and internalised biphobia

we know that he loved chrissie but we know that ultimately his feelings for aaron were stronger and he’s expressed as much, both to aaron and to other people (ssw 2016 is a good place to find examples of this, but also aaron’s birthday 2017 has robert being very unambiguous about this and a whole litany of other moments) (he’s very prolific on this matter it’s kind of insane)

rebecca conversely offered robert everything he thought he wanted back in 2015 - money and power, as well as, in theory i suppose, an opportunity to be in a relationship with someone of the opposite gender, given that opposite gender relationships have, within the larger constructs of society, privilege over same gender couples and also offer less opportunities to receive homophobic abuse specifically etc - and i was going to say that maybe the show wasn’t using that specific angle with rebecca but actually if you watch rebecca’s scenes when she first arrives, she spends a lot of time making biphobic remarks to robert about how men can’t satisfy him the way she, a woman, can and generally undermining both his relationship with aaron and his bisexuality whilst trying to hit on him (and he hadnt even specifically come out as bi by that point and was still struggling which makes it even more 🔪🔪🔪), so maybe that was in fact an intended part of it?

but anyway, the best scene that demonstrates this is the first rob/rebecca kiss scene and the other scenes between them within the same episode (i mean, god, that happens literally the episode before robert uses the word bisexual to aaron because aaron also can’t quite understand it and unloads some far less aggressive and insane but still v much to the point biphobia towards robert)

(rip poor rob)

idk, this show’s track record on bisexuality and calling out biphobia isn’t great so i’m dubious as to how much i trust that this was an intended part of it, but rob has his relationship and sexuality undermined both by rebecca and aaron (and rebecca’s is so so bad - i need to point this out bc i don’t want to equate what aaron says, which is bad in and of itself if far less horribly intentioned, with the absolute insanity that rebecca comes out with, *too much*) (and if you haven’t seen it in a while you may have forgotten just how bad it is but it’s…. oh boy) (aaron at least is actively trying to understand through his own ignorance, whereas rebecca is honestly completely obstinate about it throughout those scenes) (it’s so gross)

and i think as a whole storytelling piece, rebecca was a good way to silence the people who believed that maybe the only reason robert chose aaron over chrissie was because chrissie wouldn’t have him back - because here was rebecca offering it up on a plate and robert had absolutely no interest

(didn’t work, i still get those asks fairly often and to each one i say that making that argument erases a lot of very explicit, unambiguous canon proving otherwise)

ANYWAY, basically - robert was motivated to choose chrissie over aaron because chrissie was what he thought he wanted for his life - all that money and power, but ultimately after he got shot and almost died, he woke up with a renewed focus on aaron (watch his scenes in december 2015/january 2016 for examples of this) and basically barely mentioned or paid mind to chrissie - and had certainly stopped trying to get back with her, all the while doing things like trying to buy the pub just to spend more time with aaron.

since then, he started very slowly to become more open about his own sexuality and his feelings for aaron and that’s only grown ever since

(and now he’s going to gay clubs and making bi jokes ✨💕🌈🌷)

which, to be very clear on what i mean here - he wasn’t with chrissie bc she was a woman (he was with her bc she was rich and bc he did love her) - it’s more that he was never going to be with aaron bc he was a man (and bc he was poor 😂). internalised homophobia was just one more thing preventing him from being with aaron or admitting his feelings too much for aaron - or being able to admit that his feelings for aaron were ultimately stronger than his feelings for chrissie.

with rebecca, when tbh it would have helped him to lie even more about his feelings because he was literally already lying to her about his feelings/implying he had feelings for her in order to use her to take down the whites and then get his hands on their money, he still openly told her over and over that he would always choose aaron, because that was the truth

they deliberately made his actions vaguely ambiguous when he was initially plotting against rebecca but i feel like he’s said enough times in between and since his true feelings to clarify the ambiguity there - and the only time he actually slept with her was directly after believing aaron was dead or some shit whilst in prison and then seeing him high on spice and a completely different person (see: the ons episode and the reveal episodes for further examples/more detailed explanation)

knowing that robert historically had pretty much followed Little Rob’s whims and happily cheated on chrissie over and over with at least rebecca, connor and aaron, it’s not hard to believe that the fact that he can’t do that with aaron outside of very extenuating circumstances (i.e. he won’t just do it for a bit of fun, as before) (or because he’s formed an entire accidental serious relationship with the local mechanic) would mean that it is in fact different for him, with aaron than it ever was with chrissie

(supporting every time he has said as much to aaron or to other people)

this answer is such a mess lmao sorry

why use 5 words when you can use 5000, yk

[tescodisxo]

(1/?)WARNING: LONG ANON ASK AHEAD! (sorry if there's a ton of grammatical errors, I wrote this really fast inbetweeen finals) I'd like to tell you my story and ask for your advice. I really need to get this out of my system, this is something I've never talked to anyone about before so please bare with me... I was best friends with a girl for over two years. Her name was Mae and she was beautiful and smart and quirky and funny and sweet and amazing. And I was so freakin in love with her.

i’m going to put this under a read more, so bare with me ;-;

(2/?) But I never said anything. We spent every waking minute at the hip, we hung out after classes and on the weekends and slept at each other’s places almost every night. We were really close, not just socially but emotionally and physically as well, we were super playful with each other and sometimes people joked that we were like a lesbian couple. Even if we weren’t together together we basically were, I just had to try to stop myself from wanting to kiss her all the time.

(3/?) We were in the honeymoon stage of our friendship for over a year, and everything was amazing, she was my whole world and the only reason I was happy. But that’s when things started to get toxic. She was going through some shit with her mental health and her family and she ended up taking it out on meShe would constantly put me down, make me feel stupid and worthless, act like I was to blame for everything, and just be so coldheartedly mean I wouldn’t know how to respond .

(4/?) Then the next minute she’d tell me I was beautiful and that she could see how someone could fall in love with me, and she’d brush my hair out of my face and cuddle with me in her bed, like nothing ever happened, never saying a thing.It happened everyday, it was horrible but I loved her and I didn’t know what to think or what to do. It slowly got worse but I had become so dependent on her, I had no other friends or anyone I had felt close to, she was the only one that would be around me.(5/?) I am very quiet and don’t like putting myself in social situations, she was why we became friends in the first place. She was my sun, my rock. But then she became my chain and ball.. After 7 months of horribleness, I finally decided it was too much. I hid and came up with excuses for over a week about why we couldn’t hang out, until she finally approached me and I told her I didn’t think we should be friends anymore. It was really emotional, there was lots of yelling and crying.

(6/9)That was when my coworker introduced me to BTS. It changed everything. They became the light of my life, they gave me music as my salvage and brought back my laughter and tears. For the past year they have been my everything, and I love them so much and will forever appreciate them♡♡ I am finally happy again, finally starting to talk to people again. And that’s how I found out about Mae, through a friend of a friend.

(7/9) Apparently around the same I became an ARMY she left her abusive, alcoholic mothers house and got her own place. She stopped dating those horrible men and doesnt hang out with those people anymorThey said she’s sober and happy and healthy and she just came out as bisexual. And I just checked the roster for my next semester and she will be in two of my classes . My question is, should I try to talk to her again?

(8/8) ?? (I thought there were 9 but I guess not:/) What do you think? Should I try to mend our friendship? Maybe finally be more? It’s been over a year but my feelings for her haven’t gone. But I’m scared.I know deep down that maybe it was never meant to be but I can’t help thinking I’ll never find someone who truly cared about me ever again, and she seems so much better now. I don’t know what to do…

ok, firstly good luck with your finals. i hope they go well for you - good luck! 

i’m really sorry your friendship had to go through that twist and things changed, that she went through that herself with her mum etc and that you had to handle it. i really hope you are okay and truly happy now. you said it’s been a year? i’m guessing you mean since you last had contact? within a year a lot can happen, and it seems it has for her. it sounds like she’s really tried to sort things out for herself and her life but, you should put yourself first. it sounds like it was extremely exhausting in all senses of the word. i went through something similar with a friend, personally if i was you - i would wait and see what she does. don’t go in too heavy, don’t let your heart get over your head in this situation. i don’t know why but, something feels that maybe she’ll come to you. i’m a strong believer in the idea of fate, so maybe this is the worlds way of telling you like “hey, your old friend/love is okay now, they’re okay” and wants you to see it for yourself. i think you should wait a few classes first, see how she reacts to your presence, smile at her when you go to your first class or say a quick hello just to let her know you’re there and you’re willing to have her come to you and talk.

it sounds like you are in a better place yourself and that you finally feel comfortable, happy or content and i think that is something you should keep a hold of. don’t let it loose just because an old lover/friend is out to you again. love can be toxic at times especially when it is hidden for so long as it sounds like yours was - but you never deserved to be the punching bag for her emotional turmoil, you never deserved to be the one to suffer. please if you have any doubts about it happening again, save yourself the heartbreak etc and be as you are. but, i don’t see why you shouldn’t at least acknowledge her for starts, see if she comes to you - if she does, take it up - if she doesn’t, approach her yourself slowly if that’s what feels right to you. let time unravel it, it’ll probably hurt a lot to be around her without anything for a while but it sounds like you two really had something special to connect you and, i truly believe what is meant to be, will be. you’ve had a long time away from each other, you’ve both had times to grow from what happened and see things in a different light. you did the right thing to walk away, i know that sounds like a horrible thing for me to say; but you did. whether she comes back into your life or not - never think someone won’t care for you the same, or even more because, they will. you’re a strong person, head strong for sure. i can’t say much for your heart and love for her; other than i think you should be honest. if you do get back in contact, i’d say talk to her about everything - tell her the truth about it, tell her how you feel about her and see how she’s doing herself. you deserve some form of closure to the situation, walking out with her or walking out without her. but either way, you deserve a sense of closure. i say let her have the ball for a while, play it safe, and when you feel like it’s time you’ll know. then take it for yourself, approach her. even if it’s small, approach her.

whatever you do, please keep hold of the strength you have, the happiness and contentment you’ve managed to conjure up for yourself. don’t let someone burn out the light in your life. if you at any moment feel like you did when it went bad - step away. but, please never think that someone won’t care for you any more than another because they will.

[whataterribleidea-doit]

Do you think it's fair for a lesbian to only want to do 'gold star lesbians'? I ask because I've learned that while trying to date other lesbians (I've had heterosexual relationships in the past but realize that I am a lesbian) girls will refuse to sleep with me because I've never slept with a woman. It's frustrating and makes me sad. /:

First things first, I want to validate what you’re feeling (god I hate the word valid because of this website but it’s still applicable)

I know that sometimes when this happens, the person doing the rejecting for this reason can be really mean about it. My girlfriend went on dates with gold stars while she was single, and once they found out she wasn’t they got really weird and rude about it. That’s not ok. I don’t want to tone police anyone, but I think when you’re dealing with another woman, particularly another lesbian since we’re supposed to have each other’s backs, you should be civil about it. You don’t really owe anyone an explanation for your preferences, but taking the time to explain them to a fellow lesbian can do a lot to foster sisterhood among us.

With that in mind, I think it’s perfectly reasonable for you to be upset over it. Even if they are nice about it, it’s still rejection and that still sucks! Especially if you’re really into the person! You can feel frustrated, sad, angry, whatever. I don’t ever want anyone to think that they aren’t allowed to express whatever emotion they’re feeling. Just do it in a healthy way. Don’t pin it on them, and don’t pin it on yourself. With this you can really get into a shame spiral and start hating something you can’t change.

Now whether or not it’s a fair preference:

Any reason to not want to be with someone is a fair reason. Yes, any reason can come from a place of hate and bigotry but they can also come from something completely benign. I think it’s also important to note that it would be completely unfair to you and to them if they forced themselves to date you just to prove that they’re accepting of non gold stars. 

The thing about this preference is that it can come from the misogynistic belief of “women who have slept with men are tainted by that and I don’t want to be anywhere near that.” The thing is, if it comes from that, their misogyny will manifest itself in other ways. We shouldn’t be focused on whether someone will date a certain kind of person and we should instead critique other ways they’re being assholes. Because, honestly, someone could also have that view and specifically seek out non gold stars just to tear them down. I don’t think that’s likely to happen with lesbians, but it could. And it certainly happens with other things, too. (racist white dudes who date black women just to abuse them, anyone?)

It can also, however, come from “I didn’t have that experience and I don’t think I can relate to someone who was with a man before knowing they were a lesbian.” Or, since you mention not ever having been with a woman, it could be not that you’re not a gold star but more like “I don’t want to be anyone’s first female experience.” Which also makes sense, because a lot of people aren’t really prepared to be that educator and guide through how being with a woman is different. Especially if they’ve never been with a man, since they don’t have the frame of reference to be able to say “this is what’s different with women.” Does that make sense?

Some further ideas going forward: 

You will find a woman who will love you just the way you are. It might even be better for you to find someone who isn’t a gold star, since they’re more likely to be able to relate to you and understand what you’re dealing with. I know I personally would hesitate to date someone who had never been with a man, simply because that’s an important part of my past and I want to be with someone who understands it. 

Something that I like to say is: date your species. (I got it from a really problematic sex positive dude, but I think the theory is sound and pretty much just gives a name to something people already do.)

What does that mean, date your species?

It means, dating people who are similar enough to you that you’re not setting yourself up for struggles and failure. Obviously, every relationship will struggle sometimes, but there are ways to prevent that simply in the way you choose partners. 

Examples of some dating boundaries within this guideline (not rule, guideline. Relationships can work without considering how much you have in common, it just helps to take that into account):

sharing a sexuality and/or having the same experience realizing that sexuality (lesbians who were also with men before knowing they were lesbians only dating each other, bisexuals who only date other bisexuals whether they’re male or female, lesbians who only date lesbians, etc)

people who share your religion, morals, politics, etc (not dating gender theorists, only dating radfems, socialists, etc)

someone who is in the same stage of life as you (college, entry level jobs, established career, etc)

related to that, people within a reasonable age range of you (if you’re in your 20′s, probably don’t date someone older than early 30′s at the max)

someone who practices the same relationship style (if you’re monogamous don’t date someone polyamorous)

those with the same life goals (wants kids vs doesn’t want kids, wants to buy a house and live there forever vs wants to always be moving to new places, etc)

Get the idea? It’s about finding someone you can relate to easier and don’t have those obstacles right from the start of the relationship. Like I said, most people already do this whether they realize it or not. And this is the reason most people choose not to date certain people. It’s about being able to recognize when you’re going to struggle to relate to someone. So, gold star lesbians who only date other gold stars are already practicing this, and in a lot of ways it’s really smart for them to do so. 

Anyway, sorry for pretty much writing an essay on this. I’ve been thinking a lot about it and have a lot of thoughts on it. Hope it helps!

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

(1/6) Okay, I've identified recently as bisexual and just FULLY came to terms with the fact that I was not straight at 19. I'm 20 now and up until this year I had been happy to find a term that suited me. I know some people say it's not about labels and you shouldn't try and label yourself but for me it's something comforting and concrete, which is why I do it. I know I am at least NOT straight.

(2/6) I fell in love with my best friend of now 8 years. She was my lightbulb to gay crushes. I knew her for 2 years before I fell in love with her for 4, and confessed. She told me she was straight and we've been friends all the way from our first year of middle school up to today (both of us in college). Anyways, I loved her, wanted to kiss, cuddle, and realized I would be happy spending the rest of my life with her and watching her be a cute mom in raisng our cat or adopted children.

(3/6) In other words, I was definitely not straight, I definitely deeply loved this woman, and was capable of loving a woman enough to want to live a life of domestic bliss forever with one. I struggled to come to terms with that for a very long time despite it being surmised so easily here in this ask. Recently since I've been allowing myself to look at other women and flirt with them, I get flustered and excited when they flirt with me.

(4/6) I think they are the most gorgeous things on this earth and when a woman smiles genuinely at me my brain momentarily forgets how to function (my reactions to women flirting are much more intense than with guys). And like I said I want to kiss them, hold hands, cuddle, make out, all of THAT but for some reason the urge to sleep with them is not ever apparent. I don't think of two women sleeping together and get turned on. Here is where I am panicking.

(5/6) Romantically, I love women and trust them more and find them cute and appealing, but sexually I'm afraid I will try to sleep with my significant other some day and just don't find sex with her appealing. The opposite goes for men. I don't know what I am anymore, I want a relationship with a woman. Now, whenever I think about the term "relationship" my mind defaults to two women. But whenever I think about sex, it defaults to men.

(6/6) I don't know what I am, I don't know if maybe I am just a straight woman who wants closer friendships or if I am actually just bisexual after all. I prefer women but I think that's because I don't view sex in a relationship as something that solely determines your sexuality. At the same time, if I can't be excited when sleeping with a woman doesn't that just make me straight (I've not slept with either sex due to the whole gay panic and long term crush thing but still I'm very worried)?

Hello, dear. I think what you’re dealing with is what we generally call the split-attraction model (SAM, for brevity’s sake), which describes the phenomenon of one’s romantic and sexual attractions not lining up with each other in the traditional fashion. 

Most people don’t experience the SAM so they never need to stop and consider the fact that romantic and sexual attraction are two separate things, but if you are, for example, asexual and biromantic, you do have to think about this, because your attractions don’t “line up”. It’s of course common to say that you are hetero- or bi- or homosexual and have everyone understand that this also includes who you fall in love with as well as who you are sexually attracted to, but not everyone has neat matching feelings.

But first, let me say firmly and conclusively: you are NOT a straight woman. Straight women do NOT think of other women as romantic objects, they do not desire to kiss or have romantic relationships with other women. It is 100% possible to experience romantic attraction to a person and/or gender without experiencing sexual attraction alongside it. A straight woman simply would not feel these romantic feelings, and being in love with someone of your own gender precludes the possibility of straightness, no matter how much you might not want to have sex with them. Got that? Awesome.

As odd as it may sound, it sounds like you may be homoromantic but heterosexual. Romantically attracted to women and not to men, sexually attracted to men and not to women. That may not end up being how you choose to identify, but I’m saying it to let you know that yes, this is an actual possibility. You can have your romantic and sexual attractions pointed in completely opposite directions.

You probably want to know, Well why the hell am I like that? and the truth is that I just don’t know. I absolutely don’t think it means there’s something wrong with you, it’s just one of those sorta weird things that happens sometimes, because attraction and desire are fluid and uncontrollable things that don’t like to fit in clean little boxes. 

However you want to identify is totally your choice. If you feel like sticking to bisexual, that’s okay. If you want to call yourself a lesbian because you can only see yourself in a relationship with a woman, that’s okay. If you want to call yourself queer so you don’t have to explain the details, that’s okay. And if you want to be detailed and use something like homoromantic heterosexual, that’s okay too. Fuck anybody who tries to police your identity, it’s about what makes you comfortable with yourself.

Now, on the other hand, it’s also possible that you’re a straight-up asexual with some compulsory heteronormativity that has you associating sex with men. I had to have this said to me point-blank, so I’m going to say it to you point blank: sexual attraction means looking at a person and thinking, “I want to fuck you.” It’s not just “oh you’re pretty” or “I want sexual gratification and you’ll do”, it’s explicitly wanting to have sex with a person because of their attractiveness. If you don’t feel that towards men, then congrats, you’re probably asexual.

But regardless of your feelings toward men, you are definitely asexual when it comes to women. Everything you said about that is completely relatable to me as an asexual person. (Except for wanting to kiss and make out; I can assure you that those are romantic feelings, because I do NOT want to do that. With anybody. At all.) I’m sure that might be as scary as it might be comforting, because no, there’s nothing wrong with you, but yes, this might be a permanent thing you have to deal with your whole life.

Let me make this crystal-clear, sweetie: You never, ever have to have sex if you don’t want to. It’s your body, and if you ever decide to have sex, it should be because you genuinely want to, and not ever because you feel like you have to. If your SO makes you feel like you have to have sex with them, they’re a piece of shit and should be kicked to the curb. You can experiment and see if there’s anything you like doing, you can try it for the sake of emotional intimacy, or you can keep your clothes on your whole life if that’s what you want. If it’s not something you want, don’t do it, okay? 

If you are an asexual lesbian, that does not, in ANY way, make you a bad lesbian. You are not homophobic for not feeling sexual attraction to women. You are not straight for not feeling sexual attraction to women. You actually remind me of a term called ‘bambi lesbian’, which refers to lesbians who prefer kissing and cuddling to sex. 

There is nothing wrong with you simply feeling the way you feel, okay? And the right woman will love you for it, and will never make you feel like you’re not good enough. Experiencing romantic attraction to women but not sexual attraction doesn’t make you some kind of second-class queer, I promise you. You are every bit as valid as any other lesbian or bisexual. You don’t have to have sexual attraction to be whole.

I hope this has helped, dear, though I’m sure it’s a lot to digest and think over. Feel free to message me again if you need to talk about it more. Take care.