#I've realized I still haven't grown out of my twelve year old behavior of immediate hostility to people who function differently from me
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#tag talk#a short one today. I just.. idk.#I've realized I still haven't grown out of my twelve year old behavior of immediate hostility to people who function differently from me#I can view them from an outside perspective but I can't engage personally with people who are different from me#I can make the conscious choice to be kind and empathetic but it's always deliberate and painful effort.#which like. a lot of it is about what we're different on#I'm not going to apologize for hostility towards people with conservative. puritan. or fundamentalist views.#but other things are just innocuous human differences and my brain cannot allow that to exist in this my perfect mirror world#and I'm torn because I know I should be more accepting of difference and variance in the world but it's genuine work to maintain that#should I be expected to put out that energy? or can I not sit back with my limited social circle where I am comfortable.#idk. I will once again affirm that just because other people like me does not mean I have to like other people.#I have grown enough that I have gates in my walls now. and certain people are let in and out#but I still think I need to maintain that no-fly list for people who take a lot of coping to handle and do not provide any returns.#not to be utilitarian about it but social transaction isn't entirely false. I enjoy someone and they enjoy me therefore we hang out.#a good and healthy relationship should be mutually beneficial to some degree#parents receive a sense of fulfillment. legacy. and children receive support. patients receive help and therapist receive money#friends receive an emotional outlet. a social enjoyment. and a personal connection.#if your friends drain far more than they fill then maybe that's not sustainable friendship#jajaja I lied that wasn't a short ramble at all
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