#I've only had one full time job (an apprenticeship actually) and I lasted 3 months.

[running-in-the-dark]

it's been a month since we moved into the new apartment -

I'm so stressed. everything is stressful. we're still not done building the kitchen but it's getting there (slowly). mostly we just need to wait until we get a couple parts that weren't in stock when we ordered the rest. I'm hoping it'll be done by next weekend.

some of it is very frustrating with my brain specifically. I'm so bothered by all the tiny little things that no one else would even notice - like, some of the handles on the drawers are very slightly crooked (as in, less than a millimeter higher on one side) - but for me it's so obvious that it's impossible to ignore. my husband didn't even know what I meant when I pointed it out to him. there's also been a few slightly bigger issues, but we've solved them now (I think).

my eye has been twitching for like three to four weeks. not all the time obviously, but every few minutes. it's very, very annoying.

we still have no new info about when we'll have internet finally. it could take a while still.

on Monday a guy has to replace something in the electric roller shutters in one room - but we don't know which one yet. so either I'll have to let him into my room (awful, uncomfortable, will have to tidy up tomorrow so he could even get to the window), or I'll have to get both our cats into their carrier if it's the one in my husband's room (awful, difficult, one of them doesn't like that so he'll be scared and I'll feel bad).

also on Monday the electrician will install our stove (if he has time). then we're getting two ikea deliveries. and I've got an appointment with my (new) GP because I need a prescription, and I'm very (verrry) nervous about it.

I miss watching TV. I miss tumblr and YouTube and messaging my friends whenever I want and sending them photos all the time. I miss order and structure and (some level of) routine. I miss using real cutlery (we still haven't found ours lol).

when I was finally starting to get used to the noises in this place, the family above us moved in with their baby that cries all the time very very loudly and most of the time right above my room. so now everything is different again and I'm not adjusting well and once again I can't sleep.

but, I've listened to 14 audiobooks since we moved! that's been nice. it was the same way when we moved the last time (just over a year ago..). my favourite by far was The Thursday Murder Club. I've got the other ones in the series but I'm trying not to listen to them too quickly, so I'm gonna listen to three other books first (one is done already, so I should get there on Monday or Tuesday hopefully).

[certifiedbitch777]

The Concept of Intention

Entry Date: 2/12/2024 2:52pm

Today is Monday, and I'm supposed to be working right now, but everything in my body was fighting me from doing so. I did what I thought was best and called out, and god, am I glad.

I hate my job. I hate corporate culture, but I'm stuck here since this is the only thing that allows me to pay my bills. I would love to just write for a living. I don't care if it's to be an author, creative writer for a magazine, songwriter, or poet - I want any and all of it. It brings me peace.

These past days of trying to break bad habits and being consistent have made me deeply introspect. All I've been pondering is my purpose and what I want my life to look like, and I just end up back in the same spot. 

I want the freedom to express myself. I want the ability to carve out my own daily schedule and to follow the beat of my own drum. I want to be authentic. I want to be happy.

I just want to be happy.

In the world that we currently live in, it almost seems as if those in power are doing their best to prevent this from happening, but it's all I crave. I do my best to find joy in the little things, but it's just not in my nature to settle for crumbs when I know I can and deserve much more.

Over the past 5 years, what I wanted to do and be in life has changed dramatically. I honestly feel like I choose and hyper-focus on a vocation every 2 to 3 months. If I'm being honest, in each sprint, whichever career path I chose was never due to my genuine interest in them. It was all due to social, family, and financial expectations and pressure. 

My interest in all things linked to healthcare and technology was due to my family saying that it would be a reliable source of income. 'There will always be jobs for nurses or cybersecurity.' 'It would be a steady flow of income.' Obviously, my studying in those things lasted only a short time. My reason for indulging in it wasn't sustainable.

I also majored in Psychology for about 2 semesters in college. I actually really love the concept of psychology. The complexity of the human psyche completely fascinates. As much as I loved taking classes on it, I eventually dropped out of college due to my school requiring my broke ass to pay out of pocket because I failed 1 class :|. I was devastated, but a part of me always knew I wouldn't stick with it for long since school was never for me despite my academic success in my younger years. For background, I dropped out in 10th grade and got my GED shortly after my 18th birthday without studying :).

Between all of this exploring, I worked in various retail and warehouse jobs. Honestly, I quit those jobs at the drop of a hat because the pay would never match the stress. One thing I did enjoy was the amount of free time I had. The schedule was flexible, and I could get a lot done in a day or week since I sometimes did double shifts to have more days off. As much as the scheduling for the job was compatible with my dream life, the pay and terrible benefits nowhere near offset the latter.

Last but not least, I currently work at a top corporate company. I got in due to an apprenticeship, and they offered me a full-time offer. I will forever be grateful for that, as I was sure I would be fucked as both a high school and college dropout. They've provided me with stability I could only dream of, along with excellent benefits. However, what makes me not willing to settle for this is the lack of work-life balance I have. I work at least 6 days a week and over 12 hours most days. I have no life, happiness, or drive for anything anymore. It's as if I had to sell and exchange my soul for this life. And now I live the life of a corporate zombie with my world being filled with black and white instead of vibrant colors.

Why am I giving all this context of all my different career changes? Because I was never genuinely intentional with each path I explored. As a result, nothing worked out the way I thought it would. 

I've been applying to random jobs with mid to high salaries for over 2 years now, and I've gotten a rejection for every single one. Although that could be a result of how terrible the job market is, the way I view it, it didn't work out for a reason. It wasn't meant for me, and I only applied to them for superficial reasons, not because I was genuinely interested in them.

I want to be more intentional in everything I do in this life. Whether it's the food I eat, how I present myself, my morals and values, or even the line of work I want to pursue. I want to be the best version of me and only me. 

This is why I want to write for a living. It's been a common denominator in my life since I was as young as 5. I've always loved writing. Whether it was storytelling, music, or even something as simple as journaling, I felt aligned with what I was supposed to be doing. Even when I am blogging to absolutely nobody, I feel happy. I feel fulfilled spreading my truth no matter how ugly or beautiful.

The concept of intentional living was spoken about long before my mother was born. I thought I was doing so, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I challenge and hope that anyone who comes across this post begins the journey of self that will lead to a life of fulfillment.