#I've never heard of that damn flower and I had to Google it AND how to say it

[whlskr]

You know that art thing where you just turn on and off a layer to see the change? Well turns out there's an audio version where you just listen to your tapes over and over again thinking about how they could be changed. Super fun. Love this.

[feelthefearanyways]

A Letter to OCD

the sun is shining bright on us

but the flowers we water, they don't stand a chance

the smiles seem bright but they haunt me

for you convince me they will 

break

that I will lose it all

for this joy was never here for me to feel

and so I won't

feel 

it

at

all

I will grieve what I can't have 

but have had all along

isn't that something?

because you took that from me

when I trusted you most

you swore you were protecting us

but all you did was take what wasn't yours

what never was

told me it was never meant to be mine

that these little footsteps weren't meant to be heard

by me, at least

to lay down to avoid them

the pain will be easier if I never

hear 

them 

at

all

oh, you promised me

that my obsessions held truth

that we needed them to stay alive

that we simply

wouldn't be here

without them

I can't count what you have stolen

because it doesn't come with a price

no way to accurately measure it's worth

every meal, every holiday, every bath, every bedtime

every 'good morning' and 'good night'

every memory that could 

have been 

should have 

been mine

you stole

replaced it with a useless thought

made me hide

again and again

think, wait no, think again

think harder

until it feels just right

you told me I was safer with you

than being there for them at all

what I dreamed of having, of wanting, oh what I love the most

you stole

you made them sick, weak, frail

stay away

solve it

or don't

just avoid them

google

make sure

just one more time

and you'll leave me alone

but you never did

you took and you broke and you stole

but guess what?

it's my turn now

everything you took from me, every memory I didn't make, every pill I had to take, every laugh I couldn't hear

because you were so

damn loud

that I couldn't hear

you made me avoid their touch

made me quickly let go

every time I laid in that bed with you

instead 

of

loving 

them

I'm taking it all

oh, and more

you want to threaten me with their lives?

oh please

go ahead

your just fueling my love for them

see I've figured you out

I fed you, filled you up

my thoughts were your dessert

each 'what if'

each 'avoid this' and

'stay away from that'

each 'they are better off without me'

each portal message

each moment I fled from 

each moment I lost

because you promised me it was safer this way

you broke me

tore up my brain, took my heart

from it's home

but I fell so deep and so far

for so long

that I did something all on my own

without your help this time

I found some of these pieces you broke

not all of them

but enough

and slowly

piece by piece

I have what I need to be stronger

I don't need you

you don't protect us

you took and you stole and you made me live a life 

filled with immeasurable grief

and fear

oh the fear

it left me

hopeless

you let me break 

my

own 

heart

time and time again

well now i'm breaking yours

I hope you drown in these pieces of me you thought you had

you wore me out

you made me a shell of a mother

an empty wife

a needy sister

telling me it was what I deserved

this is the last time I give you credit

for all you've done

I will fight you to the end

to regain what I've lost

for I'd rather live the rest of my life

filled to the brim with 'what ifs'

than spend a second longer with you

for you have taught me so much

you took my weakness

but you made me strong

did you mean to do that?

to show me how precious my life truly is?

that with sickness or health, that these children were meant to be mine?

meant to be loved

that their laughter deserved to be heard

to be cherished

enjoyed even

by the very person you were made to destroy?

isn't that funny?

how revenge works?

cause now I'm gonna use the fuel from each little smile

each laugh

each memory

oh and guess what? 

each cough and lump and bump?

I'm gonna love those too

and together

we're gonna destroy you.

[clearcorona]

give me more pt 2 // hawks x fem!reader

For @theycallmebunko and @cute-nickname! You asked and I delivered!

You laughed awkwardly along to the joke your date had just told. He seemed to be a nice man, but you just weren't interested. It had been a few months since your heart was ripped out and stomped on by the winged hero that was so cruel behind closed doors. (F/N) thought they were a few months too many to allow you to hide away in your room in your apartment when you weren't working, so she took it upon herself to set up a series of blind dates.

None of them had gone well and you dreaded every minute of the torture you were currently being put through.

"I once modeled over in England and was on the cover of one of the top magazines in the country. Can you believe that?" he asked and you let out a sigh, shaking your head.

"No, I can't," you replied, standing up and collecting your things. "Sorry, but I have to go. Have a nice life." You put some money down on the table to cover the cost of your food before walking out, pulling your light jacket closer to your body as the chilly night air brushed against your skin. You called for a taxi, getting in and welcoming the warmth that surrounded your body. You gave the driver your address before leaning back against the seat, thinking about the past hour or so you had spent with your newest blind date.

Hawks wouldn't have bragged like that, you thought, only to scold yourself over thinking about him. Forget him, (Y/N). He broke your heart, get over it already.

The driver stopped in front of your apartment complex and you handed him the money with a 'thank you' before stepping out. After heading up to the third floor, you made it to your front door, furrowing your eyebrows when you noticed a small bouquet of flowers sitting right beside the door. You picked up the vase, plucking out the small note from where it was hidden between the vibrant petals.

There were only two words written on the small card, typed out neatly: Purple hyacinths. Your eyebrows furrowed and you turned to card over, even more confused when you didn't see anything else on the back. You shrugged and tucked the note back into the bouquet before unlocking your door and stepped inside.

It wasn't until later that night that you found out that purple hyacinths meant the person sending them was asking for forgiveness. That information seemed to confuse you even more. Who could've possibly sent those flowers?

~

Hawks stared up at the sky from the balcony he was standing on. He was at one of those annual parties his agency threw and honestly wished he hadn't shown up. It was more of a formal event, meaning couples and dancing. Every single couple he saw, he couldn't help but think of you dancing with him or just laughing at his jokes as you both stood off to the side. He wasn't a great formal dancer, after all.

"And here I figured you'd be the life of the party," he heard, turning to face the pro hero, Miruko.

"Sorry, guess I have a lot on my mind," he replied, watching as the she walked over.

"About work or your personal life?" she asked, looking up at the sky.

"Both, but mainly my personal life."

"So is it about a girl?" Hawks hated how blunt she was about it, even if it was true.

"Yes, but it's for the best anyway."

"What happened?"

"If I told you, you'd probably only think I'm a terrible person."

"How much worse can you get?" Miruko teased, causing him to roll his eyes in response.

"It was just sex at first, but then I started having feelings for her and she started having feelings for me. Now she hates me because I pretty much told her we'd never be anything more...," Hawks replied, being met with silence.

"Man, you really are even more stupid than I thought," the bunny hero sighed. "Of course she'd hate you if you said something like that to her. Have you tried talking to her since then?"

"No, but I've sent her flowers."

"You sent her flowers? If I were her, I'd burn them."

"Hey! I left them anonymously!"

"Well, I guess that makes things a bit better, but you should talk to her."

"I know... How can I even apologize in person when she doesn't even want to see me?" he asked and Miruko smiled.

"Don't worry about that. I have an idea."

~

Over the course of the next several weeks, you received a bouquet of flowers from the same person that had sent you the very first one. You knew that arranged bouquets could be quite expensive and began to wonder about who could possibly want to spend so much money on you each week.

"Damn, (Y/N). Do you really not have any clue who your secret admirer is?" one of your co-workers asked as you handed the bouquet over to her. You had three back home that you were currently taking care of, but you made sure to take the card before giving the flowers away.

"Not a clue. It doesn't help that they don't even write any messages other than the name of the flowers," you replied, a sigh leaving your lips.

"Maybe you should do some detective work and figure it out," she said and you laughed softly.

"I've been trying, but no one really comes to my mind."

"Well, good luck on finding your Price Charming."

"Thanks, I'll need it." You walked back to your office. You weren't familiar with flowers, so you always made sure to check the card and Google what they meant when you had time. You pulled out the card and realized that not only was the name of the flowers written on it but a message as well. You stopped in your tracks, knowing that you were never given a message directly.

Sorry for bothering you so much. Think that you could meet me at midnight at the edge of town?

Curiosity took over and a smile tugged at your lips, knowing you were finally going to be meeting your secret admirer.

~

Hawks paced around the fountain that sat in the center of the park, wondering if you'd even show up. What if you did and left before he got to say anything? What if you never wanted to see him again? What if you thought he was someone else?

"Hawks?" he heard someone call and jumped, turning around to face the source. Your face held a look of shock before you schooled it back into a neutral expression. He couldn't believe he was actually seeing you again and not just dreaming about it anymore. "Hawks, what are you doing here?"

"Oh, not much. I, uh... Well, I came to see you again," he said and you seemed confused for a moment before your eyes widened.

"You're the one who's been sending me all those flowers?" you asked in disbelief and the winged hero let out a nervous laugh as he rubbed the back of his neck.

"Surprise?"

"Fuck you, Hawks." You dug your fingers into the palms of your hands as tears welled up in your eyes. "Stop playing with my emotions like I'm some toy!" Hawks immediately panicked, knowing that ever since that day, he hated seeing you cry.

"I'm not! Please, (Y/N), just hear me out." His eyes widened as he saw you begin to walk away. He quickly ran after you. "(Y/N), wait!"

"Give me a good reason why I should!" you shouted as you whirled around to face him, nearly making Hawks run into you. He took a few steps back and let out a sigh. His silence only seemed to infuriate you even more. You were about to start walking back home when he started speaking.

"I lied... I didn't mean anything I said when you told me you loved me."

"What?" Hawks rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.

"I feel the same way. I have for a while. I'm sorry for saying all of those horrible things. I just... It's dangerous for you to be involved with me. I am a pro hero after all."

"You don't think I took that into consideration before I actually told you I loved you?"

"I just want you to be sure that I'm the one that you really want."

"Hawks, I don't care who you are. I don't care about sleeping around with you anymore. I fell in love with the person I knew outside of those sometimes awful hotel rooms. I'm pretty sure you're the one I want." You smiled, letting him pull you into a hug. His wings wrapped around you as he pressed a kiss to the crown of your head.

"Okay, good. I promise, that I won't let anything hurt you ever again."