#I've never had a dream set in this time period. I don't know what triggered it.

[dreamsausage]

American dream

Had a dream set in the late 1800s or early 1900s about an American man who married an English woman he met while she was on holiday, then moved to England to help her run the business that her ex husband had left her with when he ran away and disappeared. I don't remember a super coherent series of events but there were some parts that stood out.

The ex husband's friends all still lived close by and they really didn't like the American guy. One night he'd gone to a pub and a group of them had been there, and they attacked him. His friend pulled him away and got him home, but he was really bruised and he couldn't hide it from his wife, and she was really upset. He wore makeup for the rest of the dream to try to hide his black eye but it didn't really work.

He was standing in an alley having a fag and a different guy came up to him. He said something like,

"that makeup doesn't work man, it makes you look weird. I can still see your eye through it."

He sighed and flicked his cigarette away and asked what this guy wanted, but I don't remember a lot of their conversation. At the end the guy said

"this isn't going to work. you need to be prepared to take care of these guys. they're your responsibility now."

I remember another scene of him being in a park with his family playing a game with one of the young daughters, and then someone taking him aside and threatening him.

The last part I remember is him sitting in the kitchen with everyone about to have afternoon tea. The youngest daughter had helped with the baking and her and her mother went to go and get some of the things that weren't on the table yet. The American guy decided to try one of the rum fig tarts they'd made, but the little girl had put WAY too much rum in them and by halfway through the tea he was zoning out and falling asleep. The middle daughter was giggling at him saying he'd gone squiffy and the mother was like "oh no" so she took the two youngest daughters up to their room.

The eldest daughter was there with her boyfriend and she was asking if he was alright and patting his shoulder, but he'd drifted off and had this fucking insane dream about what would happen if he did what their father had done. He was jumping over giant pine trees and knocking them down, running through a forest, and his wife, the oldest daughter and her boyfriend were wildcats running through it after him.

His wife stopped chasing first because the two little daughters had been left behind, so she went back to take care of them. The daughter and boyfriend stopped chasing a short while after that and decided to try to put together a home while helping the mother at the same time. It was clear they were all really struggling and miserable. He was still running, but at one point he missed his jump and fell down to the forest floor. He looked up and saw a blurry figure in the forest, but the daughter pulled him back and that was when I woke up.

The American guy had greying light brown hair (probably stress) and wore a lot of blue. His wife wore purple and had curly brown hair, but sometimes it would randomly be blonde. The youngest daughters wore white and were golden blonde, but the eldest had wavy brown hair and wore pink.

The girls were the children of the previous husband, but it was clear they all just wanted to forget about him, and the youngest daughter didn't really understand what was happening. They all really liked the American guy and called him dad.

Their mother was still upset about her last husband leaving, but it had been a year or so by now and she was bitter. She really loved the American guy but sometimes would get angry with him over something the old one did. Her last husband had a problem with drinking and she hated when American guy went to the places he used to frequent, half because she didn't want him turning out like the last guy, and half because she knew he would be in danger there. She hugged him a lot but hugged her daughters more.

[lewdladylily]

10, 15, 24, 32, 66

Spank, spank

Click 3000

10: Have you ever been caught masturbating?

Yes. It's not a fun story unfortunately.

15: Most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you during sex?

I don't even know. Like, there is embarrassing that's a deliberate part of a bdsm scene, and then there is like stuff like, I don't know, tripping in front of everyone embarrassing except it happened during sex. I've long since learned to roll with it on the second type, I genuinely cannot think of a single embarrassing thing during sex. I know they have happened, but I just don't care enough to remember them.

Now, in terms of deliberate sexy embarrassment during a scene, I have hypnosis triggers designed to make me feel embarrassment and they can be extremely effective. When layered properly I can go from my super slutty and open self to terrified and humiliated to admit even the most mild of kinks.

In addition, my owner has put in enough effort to be able to effectively put me through waking dreams - it feels like a very vivid dream and reality kinda fades into the back ground. She sets the scenario and what happens to me, my mind fills in all the blanks and makes it feel real. I know they are not real, even in the moment, but that hardly matters. These guided dreams are so vivid that I have memories of some of the guided dreams that feel just as real as my real memories. It works extremely well for humiliation and embarrassment play.

Pinning down the single most embarrassing thing we've done with this is hard, but there are two particular things that jump out at me.

The first was a non-con scene where an audience of a hundred or so people watched me get fucked by a dragon monster of some sort. This one made me safe word so I could calm down a bit midway through, it was a bit too intense and was making me cry.

The second, I'm really into Tifa and Aerith from FF7, so Raven made a scene where they played double domme on me, pushing very heavily on overwhelming and embarrassing me. We've done several iterations on that, it's really fun.

I have to say, Raven is really clever being able to run complex scenes like this, I've done it from the dominant side through text with another partner and it's hard. Raven does it over voice in real time, I don't think I could.

24: Would you have sex with your best friend?

One hundred percent.

For many years I had untreated bi polar disorder, which means sometimes I went through manic phases. Keep that in mind for a minute.

So I used to be part of a TTRPG weekly group, and everyone in that group was at least hot enough I would sleep with them, and three people in that group were super hot, I would have fantasies about them level hot.

Among those three were my best friend at the time, a guy like 5 years younger than me who was super cute. He let his hair grow out once and it was like oh my god. This guy is literally how I finally got it through my head that I was bisexual.

Now, I would have 100% had sex with him. I actively wanted to suck his dick, but it was just never going to happen. He isn't into low commitment sex thing like I am.

But his older sister. She was also in our ttrpg group, and she is equally hot. But you really can't hit on your best friend's sister like that, right? So I showed some restraint, kept it to some very mild flirting that no one picked up on, you get the deal.

Except during my manic periods it became so fucking hard not to call them up and say "hey wanna fuck nasty?". I did this a few times with a several people I knew actually, to surprising success. No one was weird about it or got offended, and I got positive responses from a few people. One of those positive responses was when I finally broke down and asked the sister if she wanted to fuck.

Unfortunately, to my ever lasting regret, the covid lockdowns happened right after so we never got to actually get together. I did get to do some phone/texting sex with her. She was very cute, very embarrassed as it was the first time she had ever done anything sexual with someone. It was fun to have her masturbate for me.

I should see if she wants to get together now.

So yes, I would fuck my best friend. And I would fuck their sister too.

32: Have you ever tasted yourself? [If no, would you?] [If yes, what did you think?]

Yes I have. It's fun as part of dom/sub play. Like, for example, I wrote a post a couple weeks ago and I mentioned how my mistress had made me ruin myself on a leather boot and lick it off. As far as taste? *Shrugs*, it doesn't exactly taste good, but it isn't bad either.

66. What is the strangest thing you have ever put up your vagina/anus?

I stick to normal toys for health and safety reasons, so really nothing. I find the idea really hot in erotica under certain circumstances, but it's just not terribly practical.

Thank you for the triggers and the questions!

[iwalc]

Take me home

Hi people! I hope you are all well! Here is a something I've worked on for a while. Uhm, I realise now that I have never posted anything I've written on here before, so I am a little nervouse, ngl. I've been into a horrible writersblock for over a year now and this is the firt piece I've even been able to finish, which also makes me kind of nervouse. Either way, here it is. I hope you'll like it, and if you do, pls let me know.

Wordcount: around 2500.

I haven't really proofread anything, so if there are anything that's a bit off, then I apologise.

Damn it. I lost. Again. Here I am pissed drunk in a bar, far away from home. Or... what's supposed to be my home. Anger, love, confusion, roads that lead nowhere. As to lately, I don't know what has gotten into me. We all know life's a rollercoaster, ups and downs, downs and ups. This time I wasn't prepared. I've hit the ground. Hard. Everything happened so fast.

Almost a year ago I moved from home. It was sudden but necessary. I got into college in London and saw my opportunity to leave my abusive household. For years the mental abuse had just gradually gotten worse. Although I love my parents to bits, it was not a healthy surrounding and I needed a new perspective. I moved into a small apartment a few minutes from my college. The apartment wasn't really luxurious. But what could I expect with rent that cheap. It was alright. For me at least. Soon after the move classes started. The first few days were rough. A lot of new things, new people, new surroundings and I was all alone. You see, I am not a fan of new things. I'd rather be stuck with everything the same than have the winds of change knock everything I know to pieces. That's what I soon noticed. I didn't recognise anything anymore. Everything was to pieces. I've never felt so lost or scared.

After a while, these strange feelings of insecurity and fear decreased a bit. I started seeing people from my classes. We went to lunches, studied, went out on the weekends. For the first time in a long while it felt like my life was starting to get better. I felt alive, not only like I was just existing. I felt normal. I lived in a large city, in a tiny apartment, barely being able to pay rent, eating fish sticks and whatever else cheap food that Tesco happened to sell out, spending all money on weekends clubbing, listening to bands, laughing, getting shitfaced, having the time of my life.

On one of these nights, I met someone. Someone that would change my life drastically, and thank god it was for the better. It was an ordinary weekend. Me and the girls got ready for a night out, as usual. Only this time we were to meet Angela's boyfriend and his friends. Everyone was crazy excited. I tried to be, but as we have stated before, I'm not doing very well with breaking routines or new things, hence my increasing anxiety. To cut the chase, Angela's boyfriend had nice friends. Especially one of them. Brian. I don't really know what drew me to him. He just seemed so calm and safe. Somewhat on my level. The others, Angela, Jessica and Amanda, were all outgoing girls, finding it easy to talk and meet new people, having no trouble being in the centre of attention. I did not enjoy those types of things. I enjoyed letting others being in the centre of attention and them leading the way. I thrive in the shadows of other people and Brian seemed to be the same way. He was the quiet one, the one in the shadows. But he didn't seem shy. He sat comfortably in the booth, a beer in his hand, listening in to the conversations, taking part in them whenever it was needed. He seemed so calm, safe, secure. Something I craved. He was tall, green, welcoming eyes. Angela sat down beside her boyfriend, Roger, a blonde, seemingly handsome guy. Jessica was called over to Freddie, a dark-haired man, seemingly not afraid to stand in the centre of attention, he was very authentic and expressive. At first, I'd say he'd be a bitch, but he was so nice and welcoming. Such a sweetheart. Amanda sat down between Jessica and John and they got carried away with their conversation pretty quickly.

Me being me, trying to read the room, the new people, anxiously stood there, at the end of the table. My anxiety started to peak at this uncomfortable social situation. I had no idea what to do. I froze. The others seemed engulfed in their conversations and bonding and hadn't noticed my uncomfortable state. But Brian did. He seemed to understand and saw my anxiety. It was amazing how he just knew how to deal with it without scaring me off more. He redirected his attention towards where I stood. He calmly called my name. His voice. I've never ever felt more secure. After a few calls, and his hand gracing mine, I zoned in again and once again became aware of my surroundings. His touch. Warm. Soft. Peaceful. "Hey" he said softly, "would you like to sit down?" he asked as he carefully for a second took a hold of my hand, with me not showing any sign of uncomfort, he carefully guided me to sit down beside him, a soft smile gracing his lips. "I'm so sorry for zoning out like that, thank you" I quietly whispered. He once again took a soft hold of my hand, smiling, "Don't apologise, I understand". Something told me he did understand.

And ever since we met that night, at a pub in Kensington, he has made me feel at home. Safe. Comfortable. My pieces were glued together again. Brian was my everything. He still is. The last few months with him has been filled with such happiness and security I never ever thought I'd experience. I love him to bits. He understands me and my needs like no other. He knows how to take care of my anxiety attacks. He knows how to help me relax. He is my rock in a stormy ocean.

Until today. Earlier today, the pieces he glued together, fell apart, again. Today we moved in together. We figured it would help with our economic situation since we were both students. I mean, we love each other so why not. Well. This is why. I am once again falling apart. My pieces are flying away. I couldn't handle one more change. I've broken up with my family, moved away from home, started college, all in the period of 6 months. It was too much. And now this. I love him. But my world has been picked apart once more.

The whole day I've been feeling my anxiety increasing. Usually, Brian notices or I feel comfortable telling him, but this time I noticed how excited he was, I didn't want to hurt him with my bullshit. It's horrible feeling yourself falling apart but not be able to do anything about it. It was 7 pm and Brian was unpacking things in the living room while I sat on the sofa trying not to lose it. He kept talking about how happy he was and how this was a dream of his. How excited he was to share his life with me, to love me. All the while he was so happy babbling away, I was freaking out. To say the least.

My anxiety kept increasing and now I couldn't handle it anymore. I felt my breathing quickening, my hands and legs started to shake and tears started to stream down my eyes. I couldn't do this. What have I done? "Love? What do you think hanging this here?" Brian asked excitedly holding up a poster on the wall. I couldn't breathe. "Love?" Brian asked before he turned around. My knees were up to my chin, hands holding them in place, rocking back and forth, tears streaming down my eyes. Brian was shocked to see me in this state of mind but wasted no time. He hurried up to me on the sofa. He sat down on his knees in front of me, his hands on my cheeks. "Love, look at me" he pleaded with a calm voice. "Love" he said, more firmly this time. "Shh you're okay, love, I got you" he said as I lifted my head to look at him. I was frightened. His beautiful, angelic face that earlier always brought me peace and comfort were now triggering my anxiety. I ran. I ran out of the apartment, down the staircase and out of the building. Before leaving the building I heard Brian calling my name, running after me.

That's where I am right now. I ran to a pub, the pub we met at. I'm drunk. Anger, love, confusion, roads that lead nowhere. As to lately, I don't know what has gotten into me. We all know life's a rollercoaster, ups and downs, downs and ups. This time I wasn't prepared. I've hit the ground. Hard. Everything happened so fast. Wrapped up so consumed by all this confusion. With every thought I down a beer. "Could I get another one pls?" I slurred to the bartender. But no. No way I was going to drink more tonight. I don't know if it was intentional or not to go to the only pub in London where I'm recognisable since we go there all the time. Maybe I wanted to be found. The bartender declined and then went through a doorway to the kitchen. I heard him talking on the phone. He was talking about me. More than that I couldn't recognise and soon after my head hit the table and I was out.

I woke up in a bed. It took some time to locate where I was, but soon I noticed I was in our apartment. My head was killing me along with the anxiety and guilt. What the hell happened. I had no idea.

Soon enough Brian entered the room. I couldn't do anything. I barely dared to look at him. He looked exhausted. And there was something else, it shocked me that I couldn't decipher what it was.

"Hi" he calmly said as he strode to my side of the bed and set down a glass of water and aspirin.

"Hi" I vaguely answered.

The silence took over the room. I barely dared to move but did to take my aspirin and drink some well-needed water. Not letting my eyes of Brian, I watched as his tall body sat down on the side of the bed.

"How are you feeling?" he calmly asked as his hand strode closer to me but he didn't dare to touch me, probably confused by my signals yesterday.

I met him halfway and took a hold of his large and warm hand. As soon as he felt my hand on his he held mine tighter and let out a breath I didn't know he was holding.

"I don't know how to answer that" you answered honestly.

Brian hummed and stroked my hand with his thumb, looking at our locked hands.

"You scared me" he whispered. Tears threatening to leave his eyes.

That hurt.

"I'm so sorry" I panicked and sat up, only to regret it as my head almost pounded you dead. "Ow," I winced as my free hand went to hold my forehead.

"Careful" Brian voiced as calmly as ever. His eyes scanned around the room, trying to muster the courage for what he was to say next. He cleared his throat. "Can we talk about what happened?" he almost whispered, taking my hand in both of his, stroking it with his thumbs.

Of course, he wants to talk about it. There is nothing strange about that. However, I rather not. What am I supposed to say? That I panicked, that his face suddenly made me uneasy? That... I don't know. Suddenly I felt his hand upon my cheek. I must've zoned out.

"hey, it's alright"

I let out a loud sigh, catching Brians attention. "Brian, it is not alright. I'm a mess. What I did wasn't alright." Tears were now streaming down my cheeks. Burning like fire. Brians weight shifted as he crawled onto the bed, laying down behind me, embracing me like never before. His arms around my aching stomach and my arms. His leg over mine. His chin in the crook of my neck, whispering calming sentences while my tears shook my body. His body warming mine. It's always so calming.

How can I be so damn lucky? I ran away from home, from my love, I got piss drunk at a pub, and still, he took me home, taking care of me, holding me, loving me like no other. It's suffocating in the best way.

The tears calmed down. "Brian, I want to come home", I sniffed, crampingly grabbing onto his large, warm hand. "I'm hurting. I'm so lost. Confused. Angry." the tears were now rapidly streaming down my face again as I poured my aching heart out. "I really had to get away from home to live my life, to get better. When I first got here I felt cheated. It was so hard and I've never been worse my whole life. I've never felt more alone, left out, beaten up." I kept rambling on. "I know, love, I know." Brian cooed into my neck, stroking my arm. "But you don't Brian. I can't seem to find my way home. I'm so lost." I said as tears wrecked my body. Brian, holding me, securing me, hushing me, whispering sweet things. "I don't even know how you put up with me. I'm so broken. I came to you with a broken faith, and you gave me more than a hand to hold." The first time I voiced my fear and insecurity about how Brian feel about me. I'm so scared he'll leave me. He's all I've got. "Love, shh, It's ok. Hey, listen to me." he started as he turned me so I could look at him. "I understand that you feel like you're lost, I really do. Everything you've ever known has changed in less than a year. Space will eventually make it better, time will make it heal, and soon enough you won't feel like you're haunted. You won't be lost forever!" He praised as his hand stroked my cheek. Emphasizing the last sentence. I won't be lost forever.

"I'm so scared Brian"

"I know baby" he embraced me, "I know."

"I need you, Brian, don't leave me please, you're all I've got." I cried into his chest.

"Baby I won't. I never could. I love you! I will hold you. I will take you home. I'll be here every step of the way. I'll be your home." He said as my body once more broke down in tears.

I know there must be somewhere better because he always takes me there. Maybe I've found my home. I think he's my home.

[shinahbee]

October Favorites 2020!

Hello!

i'm going to start bringing these favorites of the month from my deviantart to here on tumblr. Hopefully you will find something good out of the things that I have been liking recently, please leave in the comments anything that you have been liking this month ( books, manga, anime, tv shows...etc) I have been a little uninspired for a while, but I'm still working on a few new digital art pieces as well as continuing my painting hobby, so there's a lot of content on the way!

okay so on to the things that I've been liking this month.

So if you've seen my latest digital art " who's baby is it?" I have been delving into web toons which I have not read other than mo dao zu shi since I watched the anime and It just suddenly stopped after season 2. I thought reading the web toon would answer some of those questions  i had. It lead me to reading a bunch of webtoons all in the shounen ai category for some reason...lol. and I've been really liking some of the stories, Until this point web toons never really interested me since I've been reading manga since I was younger , so i've been used to just seeing the black and white pages of art, since web toons have coloured pages, it makes me appreciate the effort they used to colour every panel, so a lot of work went into these so i appreciate it for what it is even if the story inst great.

let me preface by saying that even though i'm delving into BL, i've been exposed to yaoi ever since I was in high school by one of my best friends, she lent me her favorite anime which was " gravitation" and all remember was wanting a man that was like yuki...lol. don't we all?

since then I have been reading some yaoi manga...only ones that are NOT predicated on sexual violence and abuse, which I know is prevalent in this category, I just don't like it and the message it sends, so i avoid that all together.

unless of course it has a particular message it wants to convey, not glorifying it. if that makes sense.

okay so here are my recommendations, i'll give a very brief summary of each of them

Manga/Manhwa:

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Who's baby is it? 

- “a man named yi yun wanted to be an actor and is part of an acting company for several years and still was not successful, apparently it was because he was born with really bad luck, so to change his life perspective he decided that he wanted to be a surrogate father and donate his sperm to a surrogate mother in order to have a child that is his blood. So he and his child were living happily together through yi yuns work periods and suddenly there is a man that claims he is the child's actual blood related father and wanted to take the child into his custody.”

please read the summary I have in my fan art, I've wrote my thoughts on this manhwa.

To be or not to be

-  “A company president diagnosed with cancer and died has been transmigrated into his favorite novel, where he was reborn as the antagonistic emperor that the main character defeats in the end, on top of which the main lead is currently the captive of said emperor, so in order to survive he will do anything to protect the protagonist and make sure he stays alive inside the novels universe.”

oh to be or not to be that is the question...lol. it really is. currently is is one of my favorites, I like how modern day people  can look at the acts of history and modify certain things so that it would less likey repeat itself for the worse, we need this sort of mentality at this moment...

Social temperature

- “Song Yuan is indifferent when dealing with people he is an elite student at T- university as a science major, one day his friend started to question his sexuality and set him up with a month trial dating app as a joke, as soon as he went to delete the app on his phone, he was suddenly matched with a boy named "Mu", who turns out to be his classmate/ rival in his science program, his named is Xaio Mu , he is an exchange student abroad and got into this elite science program, hoping to meet new friends he approached song yuan and proceed to converse with him only to be ridiculed by him saying that he wears too much perfume and it made him sick so then he became the class social outcast.But after using the app to converse with "Mu"...song yuan became curious as to what he is actually like...using the fake name and bio of " Andrew " they start to get to know each other more.”

omg , this is triggering for me, since Mu is basically me a few years ago when I was also in a medical science program minus the talking on tinder thing lol, I felt as though everyone in that program was in it for themselves and I didn't not like the how people think they are entitled to everything...that's why i'm not in it no more.lol. there are a few plot holes in the story that I don't really get but other than that I really like this story I read the chapters that are out so far like 3 times cause I'm waiting for the rest to be translated. I also actually read the Novel by the same author of the manhua called " social outcast" so if you just want to read it in text format please read that novel instead, I like the novel up to a point and then it didn't really make sense after wards..lol.

so i can't say that i recommended it completely. Also Mu's character design I really like, thus i'm going to make a fan art of him soon...omg he's so beautiful, i'm in love lol.

Salad Days  ( tang liu zang) 

- “This is the story between a young innocent ballet boy and a passionate, determined boxing boy. The two met at the children’s palace, and since then, they have grown up together supporting each other. May there be hardships, may there be obstacles, yet they never stopped pursuing their dreams. The beauty of the salad days is the sweat from the hard work and the bonding of friendship. Although they have completely different paths set up for them, what never changes is their beautiful friendship.”

wow this story so far is really beautiful, I was in ballet for 3  years so it was slightly relatable to me, I feel like the over all message is that people sacrifice a lot for their dreams and if you are very passionate about it, there's no on that can really stop you, the only one that can stop you is you. I can't wait to see this story progress further  

K-dramas:

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it okay to not be okay - this probably has been mentioned as everyone's favorite, but rightfully so, I really like ko mun young's character as a person who seems like an assertive and powerful woman, but is suffering from a social disorder. and how moon gang tae has to not only deal with mental patients at his job but also his older brother being autistic, he himself is suffering from mental illness. this drama is  something not a lot of dramas portray in dealing with mental illness and how the patients/ loved ones  are feeling when watching them go through it all. I liked the story and the message  and it made me cry in every episode, so fair warning...have tissues beside you as you watch.

itaewon class- I was not going to watch this because of the mixed reviews but I did any ways, and it was really good, a really good depiction of how money and power isn't the end all be all , and being happy  is really the best revenge you can get, it also addresses racism and prejudice on one character and sexism on a trans-gendered woman. I also think this is a story that protrays something that really hasn't been exposed to in k-dramas specifically. It depends on your morals and what you understand so far in your life wether you would like this drama or not, so i understand the mixed reviews that it gets, but for me it was a really good story.

Anime/ TV shows:

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I don't have any anime recommendations this month mainly cause I have not been watching any, but there are some that i might watch soon  so I will list those below, let mew know if any of you have seen them and should I be watching them.

- Nobelese

-yasha hime ( inuyasha  new series)

-Haikyuu  new season

-heavens official blessing ( same author of mo dao zushi) - just started watching

-scum bag saving system- just started watching

Music :

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so I have just been listening to a lot of OSTs,

I really recommend the itaewon class soundtrack, all the songs are so good!

my favorite on is " crush- No words "

also my friend has been sending me NCT  and super M practice  videos so I've been listening to their music as well, please listen to make a wish by NCT U, it has been stuck in my head and I cant get it out...lol.

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that's all for this October faves summary. please comment below if anything interested you for the month of October, I would also like to read your recommendations as well, please also take care of yourselves especially now with all that's escalating in the world.

take care!

sheena

[treadmilltreats]

5 Steps to a healthier you

It's not a mystery on how to live a healthier lifestyle, people make it seem like "Ohhh I don't know how to do it, I'm not a gym rat, or the biggest lie is, I don't have time" 

Yes, I hear it all the time, especially the one about "Oh it must be nice that you're in shape^ Hello! I work out 5 days a week, it's not "nice" it's commitment. So today I will unlock all the secrets of a healthier you. 

Step 1: 

Get up and do something! Anything!

Yes, I get it you don't have time, but somehow in the morning you can tell me about the five new TV shows you watched, equaling up to 5 hours?  

But yet you don't have an 1/2 to exercise? Really? I was a night child but not last night's child! If you really want it you would be doing it. Especially now when you all have all this free time on your hand, you really have no excuse.

So to recap step 1... Do something! 

Step 2: 

Change your attitude

Yes, to become a healthier you, you need to change your attitude. Stop saying I can't run, I can't go to the gym, I am to heavy, too old, I have a bad back, bad knees, my ass hurts

Or the latest... boo hoo, the gyms are closed...whatever your bullshit excuse is, fill in the blanks here... I've heard it all.

If you read my blog you know that I've worked out with a broken arm, broken leg, broken toe, carpal tunnel, hurt shoulder, even a fucked up foot (For those of you who've been with me from the beginning, you'll know this reference) 

You name it and I worked out with it while I was hurt. You just change and you modify until you get stronger.

Even without the gyms being open now, I am doing classes I find on YouTube, I am outside walking or riding my bike, there is no excuse, period.

Step 3:

Mind over matter 

This step is the most crucial as your brain tells you what you can and can not do, if you think you can do it, you will!  

My favorite reference to this is a YouTube video about 2 marathon runners who collapsed right before they get to the finish line. Their legs were like jello, and it seemed like they had no control over them.

They tried to get up only to fall over and over but they were so determined to finish that they decided to crawl to the finish line. Yes, their bodies said they couldn't do it but their minds said oh yes, you can! And they did, this is determination.

Step 4:

Start to eat right

I was a Pepsi addict, I drank two, 2 liters a day! Yes, you read that right two, 2 liters. I ate junk, I never ate veggies, unless it came with my bloody Mary. Hey, I thought that counted. The only fruit I ate was orange juice, to take my aspirins with for my hangovers.  

When I became clean and I stopped drinking, I cut my soda to one can a day, then to 5 cans a week, then to 3 and now I will have a can on the weekends occasionally, but even still if you bring a 2 liter in my house today, it's over. I started to change my eating habits little by little. Now I eat healthy 95% of the time because I chose this lifestyle.

Step 5

Know your limits

Don't buy Oreos if they are your weakness, buy a small pack so you can start to have control. Start small, I know I can no longer buy a liter of soda because I will drink it all, that's why I buy cans. I also started eating salads, I hated them but kept trying new things in them.

I stopped going to the drive through, I made my lunch and brought it to work. Was it easy? Oh hell no. Did it didn't come overnight? Again the answer is no but it has been so worth it. I feel better, I look better, my attitude is better all because I made the commitment to change my lifestyle.

Listen if you want sugar coating read someone else's blog. How many times have I told you, I'm not Willy Wonker, I don't sugar coat shit,

No, of course it's not easy, if it was everyone would look like a Sports Illiterate model, let's get real here! But I am here to tell you nothing feels as good as when you accomplished something you set your mind to, when you know that you did it! 

When I crossed the finish line in the triathlon I did (Yes, I know it was a wuzzy one but it was still one) I was so proud! Me, the person who was afraid and sucked at swimming, who hated to run, was crossing the finish line of something I never dreamed I could do, let alone finish in 3rd place in my age group! The feeling was beyond words! 

So that's it folks, 5 easy steps to change your life and become healthier, yup that's it! Surprised huh?

Yeah so was I. I know you're lying, there has to be more, I hear you saying it, but nope, this is the "big secret" Yes, this is it, get up, move, do something, find something you enjoy, bike riding, Yoga, Zumba, running, even walking, whatever just get moving. 

Then change your attitude, get rid of negative people, say yes you can and you will. Start to change your eating habits, cut off fast foods, eat healthier. Know your triggers and cut them out, it's all so very simple if you really want it.

So today my friends, I am sorry to bust your bubble, but that's it! So change your life, start today, it's never too late. 5 small steps to a better life and then you can….

"Be the change you want to see"

 

"And just when the caterpillar thought his life over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"

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[dandystones]

Yes means no.

***There are two parts to this long ass post because I didn't realise I had so much to say oops***

Setting boundaries, I recently learnt I've been terrible at that for most of my life.

I hate when people tell me what to do, to the point I'd do the exact opposite, but I always wanted validation. I sought it from everyone and their mothers because I never got it from myself.

The internet seems to talk a big game about how the universe will keep on sending you lessons in all it's glorious forms if we don't pick up on it; like how we always encounter the same toxic people and relationships, one after another.

It's funny when I recall them now.

***PART 1***

I like to think I've been very blessed when it came to friendship. All through my life, I've always felt that I made friends easily and had plenty of platonic support. However at different stages of my life, I've also noticed that despite all the good friends I surrounded myself with, I've always had that one person in my life who was just a little too self absorbed, borderline narcisstic and treaded way too close for comfort.

For reference, I'm going to list some people but not their whole names: my mum >> X >> O >> H >> C

The most coincidental thing I've come to realise is 1) that each person had a specific time in my life where they rose to prominence, or in other words, where they suffocated me the most 2) the end of each 'stage of prominence' was the start of the next. For example, when I thought I'd finally stepped out of my mum's narcissistic shadow, X stepped and morphed into that narcisstic figure until I'd decided it was time to cut ties. Around the same time, I met O and she slowly morphed into that person.

Continously, I realise I've always had that one presence in my life and each person would stay for many years until a breaking point, after which I would draw the line and keep my distance. As a rough estimate, I took about 25 years to understand that this exhausting cycle of going through toxic loved one after another is simply a lesson of setting boundaries.

I came to this realization in the past 6-12 months because I was having a particular hard time adjusting at work and it was really tough to master the art of stakeholder management. I won't say I'm an expert now, but I've gotten much better at putting my foot down and helping people to understand how their basic (read: brainless) actions are making my job unnecessarily difficult and defying my work ethics. I started to understand the importance of setting my own boundaries because we can never assume anyone would know them if we don't speak it.

Around the same time, I noticed the last person in this cycle, C had started to transition out of her role as the narcisstic shadow in my life entirely on her own. I've never had that happen to me without having to ruthlessly cut ties before. It's like something just clicked. On hindsight, the lesson just made sense and perhaps because I understand what it is now, there was no longer a need for the lesson to remain.

I always thought I was good at saying no to people, because I didn't care what they think which is true for the most part, I don't care what strangers think. What I came to realise about myself was that I needed help saying no to non strangers, people I care about, the people I need in my life.

***PART 2***

The word 'no' carried too much grief and associated history with abuse and neglect. My parents never made it easy for me growing up; affection was a competition between myself and both my younger sisters. My father could never find balance at work, so he overcompensated by trying to take control of everything at home. Nothing I said nor did could ever please him, he was always angry about the tiniest thing.

Everything was someone else's fault; between denying me any help with school work because I didn't go to a school of his choice and completely beating my self esteem down because I dare ask him for any help to a seemingly insignificant act like him accidentally stepping on my toes at the supermarket, he would twist and mold all my words until they made him looked like a hero in his own fantasy, that I was beneath him, and that everything bad that happened in his life was my fault and no one else's.

You couldn't fight him with reason even if you tried to, because he wasn't fighting for anything, he just wanted to win and he would say anything to wear you down. Every night would end in the same way, a disgustingly heated verbal mess between him, myself and my mom; abuse of any kind is simply the cheap power you get when you destroy people for the sake of your ego.

My mum was completely helpless in that regard, she stayed the hell out of his way whenever he had an outburst, even if it meant leaving me to fend for myself. I refused to back down from the injustice and his words dug its claws deeper in my gut, every quarrel we had made me sick with anger because no matter how hard I tried to defend myself, every takeaway was how each of his mistakes were the result of my failures even if it had nothing to do with it.

This went on for years. I knew I couldn't run away because I was underage, financially unstable and still needed a roof above my head. I felt absolutely helpless and remember crying myself to sleep all the time, praying to God to take me away - away from here, away from being the family's punching bag, away to another universe where parents actually protected their children, built them up and supported them.

Growing up in an environment where your survival thrived from avoiding all the stressors that could result in rage meant that I became extremely cautious in expressing my needs and opinions out of a fear of of displeasing my parents. Every subsequent outburst was a slap in the face, a painful reminder of how abandoned and unsupported I was in this family.

This led to a series of bad behaviors where I was desperate to please and longed for a life devoid of rejection. For the parts of myself who had endured so much neglect, I just couldn't bare the same devastation over again. Putting myself second and others first was easy as long as they were happy. I had this belief that if I accidently let myself be honest, people wouldn't accept me and I couldn't risk letting my guard down again.

Over time, I started saying yes to everything I wanted to say no to. Yes means no, no came with a '... but I'll do this for you instead' to overcompensate my fear. Slowly but surely, I became exhausted from pleasing people all the time. I said yes to social events I didn't care to be at, I patiently listened to every word of every person who needed me even if they didn't care to be there for me, I helped every toxic person who saw an opportunity to exploit my time and kindness. Without realizing, I was unnecessarily deriving a form of validation from being a yes-girl, I didn't know how to say no. Beyond that I'd lost my sense of self because I didn't know if anyone would care about me if I stopped doing all these things.

This obviously manifested in many unhealthy coping mechanisms and constantly wanting to be alone because I felt that everyone around me wanted something from me I couldn't give. It became a toxic cycle of self harm, feeling absolutely hopeless and finding sick joy in dreaming about the many different ways to end my life. At age 17, I've never felt more alone.

Ive had to see a counsellor for prolonged periods of my life and thisemotional abuse was one of the key moments that contributed to it.

Recovery was one hella of a slippery slope and had relapsed so many times I've lost count. I was convinced my abuse had rewired my body's ability to understand what love was, all I felt was the fire of resentment, burning my insides with the anxiety of having to live out the rest of my life in a bubble of 'my mistakes'.

Through my counsellor, we had to un-learnt the act of being too harsh of myself, as a result of the years I spent projecting my dad's expectations on myself. Rewiring your brain to calm itself down when you're triggered is difficult but not impossible. There were many scenarios where I became aware of the fact that the voice in my head mimicked my dad's in giving all but bone crushing criticism, guilt tripping my every move and spiralling myself into depression again.

Re-learning the notion of 'giving myself to others' whilst being 'unapologetically myself' was interesting and refreshing. Mostly, my subconscious got better at unlearning the act of constantly censoring myself for the sake of others; how to live freely & become a more honest version of myself regardless of the people around me. Not in any manner that might be of harm to others though, just in a way that allows me to stop relying on other people’s validation to keep my spirits lifted.

Every relapse back then sunk me into my depression, harder. Looking back now, I'm glad I didn't give up even though the chance was present and tempting every step of the way. Everyday still feels like a challenge, but I get it now when people say it gets easier