#I've never felt so strongly as much as I'm feeling now so here a whatever poem

[winesandtulips]

At the same time

It's an open book And a filled quill Yet an empty page stares

How can I even begin to word what I feel How can I even imagine to word what I feel

For its emptiness and overbrimming at the same time For its longing and knowing boundaries at the same time For its liberation and fear at the same For its anger And acceptance at the same time For its a crying heart And a strict mind at the same time For its closed throat And dried eyes at the same time For its ambition And carelessness at the same time For its regret And hopelessness at the sane time

For its hidden

And obvious at the same time

For its love and Loss at the same time

Because what if I'm stuck? In between and nowhere at the same time

[modmad]

Hey Mod, I don't know what's going on that hurt you, I feel like I missed something that's happened, but I can tell from what I did see that it didn't just hurt you, but scared you and made you feel a Lot of doubt. I've also seen a lot of messages pouring in with support, and I want to share mine.

I have hypermobile type EDS, fibromyalgia, and a whole bucket's worth of faulty wiring in my brain. And I've always had stories to tell but I never felt I was good enough to share them. If it's because I can't focus enough to get through nanowrimo, or because I can't manage the focus and time towards drawing as a hobby, or the fact that an excessive amount of either for me leads to my hands wanting to shut down. But you? You *inspire* me. Your stories, all the ones I've seen, read, experienced in some way or another, they're so good. And you're open and honest with your fans about your own health, and of course, we support you and always would rather you rest and feel as best you can, instead of pushing out something and working yourself too hard. But all of this is to say that. I think I would have given up on my own stories if I hadn't found you and yours.

I hope whatever is going on sorts itself out, I hope you're able to keep telling your stories. At your own pace, in your own way. I think you deserve to be happy. If there's anything we (your fans, especially those of us too awkward to come off anon, whoops,) can do, to help in some way? Even if it's silly videos or cute cat pictures or whatever it is that could just help you smile. We're here. We love you.

woof. I woke up to so many messages I can't even read them all in one go I'm getting too emotional- I do feel I owe an explanation so I'll explain what happened under the cut but all you guys need to know is I'm okay, I got through it, I love you, and you're so important to me and I'm so grateful for all the messages that have asked me to stay.

tw for suicidal thoughts and all that

yeah so I have the bad morning of all mornings: was introduced to the fact there's this one character (Mr Puzzles) on a very popular youtube that. resembles RGB. incredibly strongly. like. I don't want to link to it just look if you want to. Anyway at the time I thought it had just dropped (seems to have been around for 6 months actually), and having commented on it I immediately got an inbox full of hate mail.

My website, meanwhile, had locked both me and my web designer out of it, and- already in a bad state of mind- I went into full on panic/paranoid spiral of 'they have hacked it, and they are going to delete any proof that I was here before them.' This of course wasn't true, and we have since recalimed control of the site (don't know what happened there but hey. it's fine???? haha. ha.)

On top of this my father has terminal cancer of the pancreas, which is horrible for everyone already but it means that- at some point this year- I am going to be the only person with an active income in my house. I am disabled, do not make a lot of money, and the cost of living is skyrocketing. Combine that with months of Despair at the world right now, with the multiple wars, genocide, corruption and AI and the loss of control any of us have over our IP or lives and I just decided it was time to end it all.

I somehow remembered this was a bad idea to act on immediately (hard during a period of entirely irrational thought) and instead went for a very long walk, crossed the bridge I could have jumped off and during that I came out of the worst of it. I then came back home to so much love online I felt deeply ashamed for ever contemplating it, and I cried a lot. My nose is still puffy and now my feet hurt! lmao

Anyway. Yeah. There's your context. I am not going to stop hoping, making, or living. I am prone to moments of weakness and this was one of the worst of them and I am still here, thanks in a large part to all of you. I might need you in the future to defend me against this, or people who take our ideas, but I hope you know that I will do the same for you. We need each other, and to be there for you I need to be here at all.

also fuck Mr Puzzles

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hey, I really appreciate your answering sex ed questions and was hoping you might be able to help me out. Sorry for the long tmi I'm about to give but I don't know how to ask this except by listing out everything relevant I can think of.

I'm afab (cis-ish in the sense I don't particularly see myself as a woman but don't bother trying to get other people not to, but that isn't really important here) in my mid 20s and a virgin, and I don't know much about sex drive but what I do makes me feel like maybe there's something off about mine? I used to consider myself bi ace until I realised I did feel some degree of physical attraction to women that I don't to men so now I call myself a lesbian but the attraction I feel is still very... vague? Like, I'll see a pretty woman and get some kind of rush of feeling, but it's not really a particularly physical feeling of arousal (though I am autistic so it could be I just don't recognise it as physical because of interoception difficulties), more like... sorry if this is an inappropriate metaphor but. More like the urge to pet a really cute cat. I've made out with women and it felt vaguely nice (certainly nicer than with men which I've also done but it was awkward and vaguely uncomfortable) but no more than that. I don't get anything from my physical partners biting down on my neck or nipples or other common erogenous zones though I feel like they expect me to, and kissing is kind of nice but kissing with tongue feels awful. I'm not sure if I'd ever actually want to have full on sex, the thought of letting someone near my sex organs sounds unpleasant. I sometimes masturbate by rubbing my clit and there's a moment that feels like a climax where it gets really hard and sensitive and I used to think that was an orgasm but reading your recent description of an orgasm I'm actually pretty sure I've never had one. I've never had the urge to stick anything in my vagina, only tried it because I heard if it causes pain it might be a cause for medical concern (it didn't cause pain - it felt kinda nice, not anything special though and certainly not something I'd do without prompting). When I masturbate there's only one specific non sexual scenario that gets me off (though maybe about once a year at most I can successfully get off to sexual scenarios with fictional characters but never with real people and it isn't as effective). I used to masturbate more than I do now (I know it dropping off suddenly can be a cause for medical concern but it wasn't sudden, just spikes of activity getting gradually shorter and rarer - I can think of months when I'd do it every night to fall asleep but those are very much outliers scattered across the years rather than my baseline, which is occasionally doing it absentmindedly while falling asleep but very rarely intensely and on purpose). I probably should have sought out more sex ed at some point but sex just never felt very important to me.

Anyway I guess my question is. Is all this normal? Am I actually ace after all? Do I just have a low sex drive? Is any of this cause for medical concern? Do you have any idea how I might be able to actually get an orgasm, if what I thought was that actually wasn't?

hi anon,

all of this is incredibly normal. what I'm hearing is that you kind of like kissing women and aren't particularly interested in sex? that's awesome. kissing women is great, strongly recommend, and if that's all you're interested in then that's just dandy. no need to pretend to enjoy anything just because a partner expect you to; a polite "no thanks" will suffice, followed by kicking your partner to the curb if they don't listen to the no.

whether or not you call yourself asexual is up to you, that's none of my business and I can't pick for you. there actually isn't a secret barcode hidden somewhere on your body that will reveal your Real True Sexuality, you can just pick whatever words you want that kind of get the gist at any given time. would calling yourself asexual feel nice or helpful to you in anyway? if so, awesome! does it not appeal to you at all? okie dokie! don't do that then.

literally nothing you have described sounds like something that would be cause for medical concern, unless I missed something that's regularly causing you any physical pain or discomfort.

I think focusing on orgasms isn't that important, actually, and you can actually just touch yourself in whatever way you want for as long as it feels good, and then stop when it doesn't!

[lanaevyssmoved]

how do you feel about people getting astarion’s scars as tattoos because when i saw it i was like uh….

so i was thinking about how to answer this question for a bit and i've come to the conclusion that my struggles because i am completely gobsmacked that in 2023 we still have issues like this

i am 29 years old, which i think is very important to bring up. i've been on tumblr for over a decade, i remember when people were actually doxxed over kinning a character who did a murder once. i remember when lives were destroyed over how people chose to love a video game character. i remember when an ask like this would cause a witch hunt that ended in someone being genuinely unsafe. i think asks like this can still be dangerous, and i can't post this without making that clear. while i'd like to think this wouldn't happen anymore, i can't say for sure, i think we need to have the self awareness of what can come, when our history, as in tumblrs history, is full of things like this being actually deadly. sorry if that's a little too serious for the vibe you're putting out, but that shit was fucking traumatising and i'm not gonna pretend it wasn't, so this ask was a little scary to receive and my upcoming honesty? i'm scared to put it out there on gut instinct alone haha (insert comment about astarion kinnies here)

astarion is a video game character with intent to make you feel things, good or bad. he is designed to tell a story and attach you to that story. he is designed to make your little brain juices sizzle when he says a funny or makes you sad. i'm sure this is obvious, but your concern for what people do with these feelings makes me think it might not be.

the scars are fucking cool design. they were made to be fucking cool. you're meant to look at them the first time you do and go WHOA.... it is very easy to appreciate the work and effort that went into them by whomever designed them, they have a lot to be proud about. if someone wants the scars as a tattoo because they think it's cool, more power to them. that's a fucking expensive tattoo, it would take a long ass time to be finished and heal, it would never be an easy decision for these facts alone.. and adults can do whatever they like with their money. he doesn't exist, he isn't real, he can't be offended by this, and you shouldn't be either.

and now i have to get sensitive with it because astarions story, whether you want to think of this or not, can, and will, resonate with abused people. many kinds of people of course, but most especially abuse victims. as a victim myself, parts of his story hit just a little too close to home and hurt. now think of someone who might have it hit closer to home than it did for me, someone who finds more connection with what astarion went through and what they went through. now imagine how important astarion is to that person, his reclaiming of autonomy, his reclaiming of agency, etc. i can see someone wanting the scars as tattoos because then in their mind they can be astarion and do what astarion did. they can be closer to astarion and use that strength to survive and push through. they can feel what he felt and survive (obviously it's not the same, but it's the symbolism). unfortunately you cannot dismiss that some people may be doing it out of a place of trauma and using astarion to help them heal. i'm not arguing whether or not this is healthy, i've certainly done similar in my youth when it comes to relating to characters who have been abused, we all find our ways to cope, and we all find our places of strength.

astarion doesn't exist, he was created in a game studio with intent to make you feel shit, as established already, including intent to make you feel so strongly you want to put pieces of him on your skin forever, like, that's a compliment when it comes to making characters. if afhiri had something on her skin that signified trauma, and someone wanted to permanently put that on their skin? wow, she means that much to you? you liked her that much? that's a gods damn compliment. and i cannot see those who worked closely with astarions creation seeing it any other way.

what i can say is that when i was younger, 20-23ish, i probably would have given it an 'uh...' too, but as i grew older i realised that life is draining, it is hard, and there is no room to healthily view video game characters as any more than some code and 3d model that exist exclusively to make you feel something strong enough that you might want them with you forever, because that's the end goal, to make you feel that strongly, and if you wanna spend that hard earned money you make on putting the cool scars on your back, or the scars that make you feel so emotional that you cry on your back, do it. let the character whose made this rough existence a little easier or mean a little more do that for you, and if you wanna express it through a tattoo, do that, it's your body, your flesh.

i'm rambling on because i am so passionate in that life is too short to judge others via this. our lives are too hard already, life sucks enough as it is. the video game character doesn't give a shit if his scars are a tattoo because he's not real. who cares? why do you care? no, seriously, why do you care? does this help you? is it good for you? is judging someone else's decisions an act that brings you actual, real joy? is that how you want to spend your time? where you want to put your free thoughts? you don't know them, their reasoning, what they're going through, and it shouldn't matter. because their body has absolutely nothing to do with you, and i find it weird and uncomfortable that you cared enough about what someone else does with their body that you'd send me an anon about it.

i don't know whether you were looking for validation, or me to generally think about this critically, but i cannot encourage the mindset of caring about this more than "wow, i hope it looks good because that shit gonna be expeeeensive!!!" i cannot encourage sending people anon asks about it, it is strange to do that. this was strange! it was a strange experience and i don't like it. but i couldn't ignore it.

astarion might matter to you, personally, but he himself as a video game character, doesn't, because he isn't real, he has no feelings, he cannot be hurt or offended. but the person getting the tattoo? they're real. they're a real life person with feelings. they can be hurt, you can hurt them. you can judge them and bring them down and make them feel guilty for their choices. deciding whether you are the kind of person who'd do that to a living breathing person over a video game character is something you need to do. do you want to be that person? i know i certainly don't

[storm-called]

I've been wanting to write something for days and finally decided to just go for it. This ended up much longer than I initially expected.

Mild spoilers for SotO

A moment of introspection from Glaw at the end of the journey.

--------

It was a strange thing, to miss the stars.

That was the first thing that crossed Glaw's mind as they stepped free of the portal. They turned, just in time to see the shimmering of purple-blue magic snap closed behind them. So much for a big send-off.

The stars twinkled overhead, the night air sharp with a hint of northerly chill. There were no stars in Nayos.

For months, Glaw had been — they didn't want to call it trapped, that was too strong a word. There had always been that unspoken option: the chance to dip out and leave the Realm of Dreams to rot. Sequestered away, perhaps, entangled in the politics of an unknown land so much so that they were were kept away from their own. There had been no time for even simple excursions back to the Wizard Tower for supplies; a war, a coup, a rebellion — whatever you wanted to call it — didn't have time for getaway weekends.

And sure, this was not their first breath of non-kryptis air in months. They had gotten their fill of that back at the Tower. The sun had shone too brightly there, though, dusk too far off to show the stars. The air had felt stifled, too sheltered in its magical protection to allow even the stiff breeze in.

That, too, Glaw had missed — something they never thought they would admit. They had missed the chill, and not the bone-aching dampness that seemed to permeate all of Nayos. They had missed the scent of snow on the wind and the caressing of the biting gale across their face.

And the stars, most of all.

It took them a moment to fully absorb their surroundings. To their surprise, it was familiar. The copse of dark trees in the distance with snow-capped mountains behind that. The wizards, it seemed, had been kind enough to drop Glaw off right outside Hoelbrak, in the foothills just a meandering walk away from the nearest hold.

With a sigh, Glaw shook the weariness off their shoulders and plodded into motion. After a few minutes of walking and much conflicted deliberation, they pulled their comm from their belt. The little block of technology was small in their palm, and they turned it over once. Twice.

It had been months since their last point of contact, barely long enough to count as anything more than a 'hey-I'm-not-dead' check in to Taimi. Since then, the wizards — particularly Helter — had strongly suggested Glaw to keep their communications with the outside world to a minimum. For Tyria's sake.

Had anyone even noticed they were gone?

Glaw couldn't decide if they even wanted anyone to have noticed their absence. If someone had, that meant discussing where they had been, what they had been doing. Skirting the dangerous edge of admitting there was a whole sect of wizards lingering at the edges of Tyria's reality.

If someone hadn't noticed, then, well...

Swallowing thickly, Glaw pocketed the comm device again. They continued on their trek, boots falling onto a worn dirt path that winded its way towards Hoelbrak's southern gate. Unsurprisingly, the settlements on the city's outskirts were dark and quiet. Glaw wasn't sure the time difference between here and the Wizard's Tower, much less Nayos, but they would hazard it was early morning now. Any reasonable person would be asleep.

Inside Hoelbrak was much like the settlement, but a few sounds could be heard, distant and muffled. For a moment, Glaw paused. Tired, pale eyes searched over the city as if drinking in the sheer sight of it alone. It was as unchanged as ever save for a few fresh paper decorations propped up as Hoelbrak prepared for the yearly Dragon Bash celebrations.

Home.

Right?

This did not feel much like a homecoming, though. Not like the previous times Glaw had returned to Hoelbrak. Not stumbling in on unsteady feet after Jormag's death — when they truly had been lost and then found. Dearly missed. Not coming back heralded as a hero and slayer of dragons, finally fitting into their title of Commander, after the Dragon Cycle had finally been ended in the far reaches of Cantha.

The city slumbered on, unaware of all that had transpired on Tyria's doorstep. Glaw would be lying if they didn't admit the idea didn't make them ache, just a little.

Spurred back into motion by the reminder of the cold, Glaw turned onto the side path that led to a cluster of lodges. Their family home, where their mother slept and the forge burned on as faithfully as always. They wondered if their sister, Bryn, was visiting from the Priory. She had made a habit of coming home every few weeks to help their mother around the house. A habit of filling in for Glaw where they had been made absent by their duties.

A thin trail of smoke rose from the chimney, and a dull glow emanated from their mother's forge behind the lodge. There, at the threshold of the house, Glaw found their feet faltering. It was not trepidation nor excitement that gave them pause. It was a deep-seated sensation of wrongness, like everything had been shifted two inches to the left and then made to masquerade as if that was how it had always been.

With a steeling breath, Glaw gently eased the door open. Familiar smells accosted them: the cinnamon-pepper scent of their mother's cooking; the taste of wood ash in the smoky air; and the lingering tinge of wet dog that permeated the households of all who followed the Spirit of Wolf.

Glaw shrugged off their heavy cloak and hung it on a peg by the door, as they always did. Their mask went beside it, along with their gloves. Beside their muck-dirtied boots, they rested their hammer.

Everything was the same. Nothing had changed.

Except for them.

[mimiatmidnight]

So, twelve hours post, here is my first round of thoughts:

I will never recover from all the baby clips. NEVER. RECOVER.

Doria is the classiest, most dignified person in history. That poor woman deserves a medal for what she endured so strongly.

The producers did such a fantastic job of weaving the love-storytelling in with the historical discussions and the present-day narrative. And MAN what a love story. I really thought I had a good sense of them before, but I feel so different now. I see them and their love in a new light. Which, hey, isn't that the exact point of this whole thing? So, mission accomplished. I am completely warmed and enchanted.

I especially feel I understand so much more about who they were before each other. I love how dedicated the producers were to establishing Meghan's pre-Harry personhood and just how much she lost to be with him. And I was so unspeakably moved by Harry's recounting of his relationship to the people of Lesotho and Botswana. How they took him in when he had no place he felt at home. How it fundamentally shifted his development into the man he would be become. Genuinely one of the most beautiful stories in the whole production.

Meghan is better than me because if I had to meet my future in-laws and there in my kitchen was Kate Middleton looking at me the way Kate Middleton looks at people, I would be on the next plane back to America. EXPEDITIOUSLY.

Also um can we take a sec to laugh at how Cambridge stans (esp those in the rota) are taking personal offense to Harry's cheeky but astute observation about his male relatives marrying for convenience rather than love? SO funny. I think he was very obviously talking about his parents, but hey if you wanna be like "This is so clearly about William and Kate" like . . . Ok mama, if the tiara fucking fits!!!!

Meghan is better at communicating the warm, gooey, happy parts of the story, and Harry is FAR better at communicating the serious, difficult, upsetting parts of the story -- the "shocking revelations," if you will. Meg is seemingly still struggling with this incredibly frustrating naivete surrounding their situation, and it does not come across the screen well to me. But that is a discussion for others to have, so that's all I'll say on that.

The Black historians and political commentators they brought on were absolutely critical to nailing that side of the story. Afua Hirsch was my very favorite.

I've already gotten at least one anon asking about my perspective on the addressing of Harry's SS costume. I appreciate the interest, but no. I am the granddaughter of a Holocaust survivor. My family and I have been discussing how to internalize and process Harry specifically, as well as people like him, for years now. And it's not something I'm willing to do over the internet with strangers. Sorry, but I hope you can understand.

Mandana's scene was so funny. She was like "Royal expert? You literally just made that up right now 🤨" LMAO

Ashleigh's appearance knocked me BACK omg. I'm so touched to see how they connected all those years ago, and I hope they have found a way to reconnect, away from all that sabotage.

As I posted just before, the way they are juuuuust planting the seeds for the Jason storyline to come . . . literal fucking chills.

I love that they know which photos of them are iconic. When the umbrella shot showed up I was like "Yeah they know that was history right there" 😌

Oh and showing them Meghan's old This or That interview, the producers are SO real for that kjgfhfdgfjgh

Please believe me when I tell you that I am not usually one to be all "Ohhhhh Diana ohhhhh she's looking down on them ohhhh this or that." Lol. But the clip of Archie reaching his little hand to her photo on the wall, and not to her face, which babies are neurologically wired to focus on, but to her hands. Yeah a bitch might just have teared up or whatever 🥲

I thought the whole thing was really well produced. So far, it's not the nuclear war all those panicking lil media experts were predicting. But my sense is that Volume I was very much an introduction to lay the groundwork for whatever we're about to go through in Volume II. And I cannot wait. For the time being, I am so over the moon to be granted this truly moving glimpse into what a beautiful life Harry and Meghan have built for themselves.

[doctornerdington]

I've been voluntold to write something to be read at my aunt's funeral. (I'll be watching the livestream; I can't afford an astronomical $1,200 plane ticket, unfortunately.)

The thing is, I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about my aunt, but I don't know that I want them shared with that audience. Or perhaps, I'm not sure her funeral is the appropriate venue for them because they're just as much about me as they are about her. I'm gonna take a first stab at it here, and we'll see if anything can be made of it. Maybe I'll just decline.

My aunt was a very religious woman. She started out conservative Mennonite, and moved to the more mainstream religious right from there. And because of that (and for other reasons that involve my mom and her processing of childhood trauma in pretty disastrous and destructive ways), I was never emotionally close to my aunt. She lived three provinces away and when we went to visit, things were stilted. I felt claustrophobic and wrong-footed. Couldn't wait to get away.

My aunt strongly disapproved of most of my life choices. She wasn't okay with queer people. She wasn't okay with divorce. She was grieved until the day she died that I had left the church, and prayed, daily, that I would reconsider.

And through all of that? She wrote me letters. Faithfully. Boring, rambling letters about how many buns she baked that week and how the charity shop was getting along and whether it was raining very much and how her flowers were growing. She sent cards for every holiday and birthday. Never missed. (In fact, my brother just received a card in the mail yesterday -- 6 days after she died. I guess that will be the last one.) She always sent a card, and she always heavily underlined the pre-printed words that meant the most to her. It was so cheesy and so heartfelt. When I had kids, she started sending them cards, too, with their own special underlining. When I divorced my ex, she sent me money at Christmas to make sure I could afford gifts for my kids. When my car died, she literally bought me a car, out of the blue, because she didn't want us to be without a car in the winter.

She disproved of so many things about me so strongly, and that never stopped her from loving me, from consistently acting with kindness and generosity and love to me and my children. And I loved her too, and I hope she knew it and felt it. Even though I'm queer, and divorced, and even though I'm never returning to the church. Even though loving her felt like pressing on a bruise. She lived a life of love and integrity, in whatever way she was able, and I admire her for that. Despite the bruising.

So now she's gone. And I keep thinking about these lines from the Spoon River anthology:

Just because you no more could love me, Nor pray for me, nor write me letters, The eternal silence of you spoke instead. And somehow from that hour, I had a new vision.

And it's not like I have a new vision now or anything like that. It's just that it's so strange to think that she's not out there right now, sending unwelcome prayers my way. She'll never send me another bizarrely underlined letter. Her silence will speak instead, I guess. That's love too.

[yellowloid]

i think one of the main problems of tumblr (and fandom culture, and the internet in general) is that people tend to forget as human beings we are made of multitudes. nothing is ever just black or white - there are infinite shades of grey in between and that is the very thing that makes us, well, human.

sometimes people have contrasting opinions within themselves and - guess what - even contrasting feelings. sometimes people feel strongly about stuff and that is okay. you can love something/someone so much and at the same time find yourself disappointed by something related to it/them. that happens. it's okay.

i'm not gonna talk about what's going on on twitter because tbh i haven't checked so i have no idea wtf they're on about there, but i want to focus on our little tumblr community - which is so special because of the fact that it is (mostly) conflict-free, and if there's something we share it's a kind of visceral love for the boys that i'm sure everyone here can understand.

this is not an indirect @ anyone in particular, but i've seen some posts going around talking about all the negativity on the dash after last night, and i wanted to share my two cents on that.

we all love them. we all fucking love them so much and we know every time they set foot on stage we're guaranteed to be blown away by how fucking good and special and talented they are. they know how to deliver a spectacular performance (even in emergency situations like yesterday, with alex's laryngitis which is definitely far from gone) and they know how to keep the audience's attention fixed on them. they're a special kind of hypnotising, and every show is unique in and of itself *because* of their incredible presence, regardless of what setlist they might give us.

we all know that, and yesterday's show was no exception. it was amazing, powerful and breathtaking like every show they deliver. mindblowing, as always. as simple as that.

and that's exactly what can turn disappointing real quick. they know how fucking good they are. they know how much potential they have, and that all this tour they've been using up to 10% of said potential. they're incredibly talented and smart, and still decide to stick to their comfort zone every. single. night. with few exceptions, obviously, and mostly never from the album they're supposed to be touring. that's what upsets people here - the fact that they're letting their own HUGE potential go to waste.

glastonbury is a milestone. they had nothing to prove, of course, having headlined it already and more than once in the past. everyone knows what they're capable of. but glastonbury is special, too, and instead if felt like just another random show they could then go and tick off their list. done, next. rinse and repeat.

and of course we also all know it was an emergency. alex has been straining his voice for a long time now - the three consecutive london gigs were the breaking point, and i'm so glad they took a bit of time to let him rest, despite the fact that they probably hated having to cancel the dublin show. but they couldn't ditch glasto, and so they showed up and they did a fucking amazing job. alex sounded so good and i think i can speak for all of us when i say i was so incredibly relieved to see he was okay. i was shaking and biting my nails worried sick about him for DAYS up to the moment they appeared on stage and seeing him get up there and kill it with a fucking crazy performance, putting in all that effort and dedication despite the fact that he's no doubt still recovering (no way his laryngitis is 100% gone, and i hope he gets some more rest because he needs it) made me so proud of him, so fucking happy and proud and i couldn't really love him more. i love him so much, i love them all so much and i know everyone here also does. no one here is blaming it on him for whatever happened yesterday. we're all just fucking glad and grateful he could show up in the first place. he's the most special most talented most beautiful little guy ever and we all love and cherish him so much it hurts. and he did so fucking well, as always. i hope he knows that, and i hope he knows he's allowed to be sick and he's not to blame for anything. i would personally fight anyone who dared say anything bad about him because no one fuck's with tumblr's most beautiful most precious babygirlboy. no one!!!!!

having said that, big changes in the setlist - especially a live debut of hello you or other new songs - were highly unlikely and we all knew that. they probably wouldn't have had the chance to rehearse due to alex's sickness. and that's okay! sure everyone would love to see those songs finally make their grand debut. but that can wait, because alex's health is more important.

and let's face it. i don't think it's that big of a reach to say that even if alex hadn't been sick, the setlist wouldn't have changed that much anyway. there's songs that simply cannot be scrapped, songs to which they're particularly attached and songs to which average fans are also particularly attached. then there's songs that have been on rotation, and songs that have finally already made a comeback during the sheffield shows. taking away all that, the songs that have an actual real possibility of coming back aren't that many - as much as it hurts me to say it, they won't be playing secret door or piledriver waltz or batphone or whatever more niche song anytime soon. and we know that, no one *really* expects them to. because they have to gather to the general crowd, and as repetitive as their current setlist might be, it works. could house more new songs - they skipped big ideas? and songs such as mr schwartz and iaqwitia haven't made a comeback in such a long while... but still. it's bomb. it works, and it works fucking well.

however, there were other changes that could have been made to make glasto special - changes that wouldn't have been a risk to alex's health; small things that could have made a difference, even a tiny one. @mrschwartz said it perfectly in her tags (i hope it's okay to show these sbfksjf i just think you put it into words really well):

it WAS a win. the sole fact of headlining glasto, in and of itself, is a win. a big fucking one at that. and little changes could have been made to make it memorable - to make it stand out when compared to every other gig they played this tour. there definitely were highlights - not only with alex's antics but also lyrically, with the jet skis/iwby/star treatment moment, which was OUTSTANDING - but for the rest nothing really spoke GLASTONBURY. nothing else *really* stood out, and that's a shame.

(not even gonna touch on the miles thing because yeah we all know they probably wanted to do it but couldn't for some reason; it's pretty clear rn that him showing up in london was to make up for him not being able to be there yesterday; we all had our suspicions and they were right. still bummed tho because them playing glasto together is a tradition!)

but considered all that, it is what it is. no one is gonna go around unstanning them because of last night. if anything, when they pull this shit they just make us want to follow them even more, to see what they'll be up to in the next shows. what aces they have up their sleeves - because we know just as well as they know that they have many. they're just too comfortable in their routine to pull them all out, and hopefully sometime in the near future we'll get to see more of what they can really do.

again, it was an amazing show. my heart was beating so fast and i kept grinning like an idiot at the screen, just because they were there. just because they showed up in the first place, with their talent and beauty and power and insane energy. just because i love them so much i can't even begin to explain it.

and i was a bit disappointed, too. because we know how much potential they have. because if they can put up an amazing show like that using only a crumble of that potential, we can only imagine how insanely spectacular of a performance they could deliver if they used even a little bit more of it.

but they refuse to, and that's what can be upsetting. but it doesn't take away the love we have for them. the two things can coexist, and they don't take away from each other. if anything, i woke up this morning with even more love for them than i did yesterday, exactly because they frustrate me with how legendary they are, and how bad i want them to show that to the whole world.

i love them, i'm disappointed, and that's not gonna stop me from loving them even more.

[being-of-rain]

Time to write down my initial thoughts on Space Babies and The Devil's Chord! I'm currently busy staying with my girlfriend in America, so I've only watched the episodes once. And there's a lot of episode to talk about! I guess this is the most TV Doctor Who to come out on a single day, both by episode count and I assume by runtime. (I sure hope it doesn't get overtaken any time soon. Weekly episode schedule my beloved, whole-series-at-once events my despised.)

I've said before that I've used the word 'fun' too often as a way to sum-up new episodes, but it looks like that's going to be harder and harder to avoid. This season so far has a very wacky zany silly cartoonish style (especially apparent in the lead duo's energy together) and I think that's the season's greatest strength. My opinion on both of these first two episodes are similar: they're just okay, with the pros and the cons kinda balancing each other out, but the cartoony style makes them much more enjoyable to watch.

Under the cut I'll go into more details. Probably more complaining than not, because nitpicking is always easier to spend time on, but here's your regular reminder that these are opinions and anyone reading is encouraged to disagree.

And if you thought my ramblings about new episodes were long before, this time there's two at once!

--

Grossout stuff like bodily functions never really appealed to me, and neither does talking babies, so Space Babies had those things against it. But it also had things that I loved; on top of the infectious energy of the leads, there were some fun sci-fi concepts, playing with storybook narrative, and the design of the Bogeyman. And the Doctor saying that "nobody grows up wrong" was alone worth the episode. I adore that sentiment and it fits so well into Doctor Who with its constant cast of scary aliens, artificially altered or created beings, and characters with generally convoluted backstories. It's just a shame the episode faltered at its climax when applying that idea to the Bogeyman, because the sympathising and acceptance of it felt very rushed.

It's fun when new companions get an introduction scene or two where the show tries to teach as many of the important rules and backstory as possible. And Butterfly Ruby certainly was a hilarious addition to that. But as much as the show is allowed to mess around with time travel rules, it can still feel contrived when it says things like 'taking Ruby to meet her mum is too dangerous.' I can't think of a reason why they couldn't just park a bit further down Ruby Road and talk to her after she seemingly doesn't have any more effect on Ruby or the Doctor's lives. I'll talk more about the ongoing story arc stuff in a bit, but right now I still haven't strongly connected with Ruby. This is very much a personal thing, but she still feels kinda Generic Companion to me.

Oh, and I think every time the Doctor talks about how the Time Lords are gone and he's the Last One, I'm going to groan and roll my eyes. Honestly I think the best thing to do with that is just show that a lot of Time Lord society survived (very easy, since there's no reason at all that most of them couldn't have just run away from whatever the Master did to the Capitol) and then just move on. I'd love to explore post-War Time Lord society more, but at this point I'd rather just leave them alone and be done with retreading old ground that the show is not going to actually do anything with other than the odd angsty line.

--

The Devil's Chord had a lot of fantastic moments and elements, but that made it more frustrating to me when it didn't put the effort into fitting everything just a little better. It reminds me of my thoughts on The Giggle; I love love love whimsy and emotionally-driven stories, and stories don't have to be a slave to logic all the time, but moments of silliness or entire plots that revolve around whimsy are so much more satisfying if they have a narrative logic behind them. I think a prime example is the song at the end of The Devil's Chord: even if it's not particularly good (most songs that are just repeating one line for 90% of its runtime aren't going to interest me), it's whimsical and joyous and makes me want to see Tardis teams sing and dance more often. But it doesn't have an in-story reason to happen, it doesn't quite fit the episode's tone, and (as much fun as fans have been having fitting it into the season arc) the episode doesn't even really have a twist at the end. If any of those things weren't true, the song would've had so much more impact than it did, and I find it annoying that the episode couldn't shuffle things just a bit to make it work.

Somewhat similarly, the Maestro themself was spectacularly entertaining, but also felt rather shallow and full of missed opportunities. I was already a bit over RTD writing flamboyant and random queer-coded villains after he reinvented the Toymaker the same way he reinvented the Master (although a drag queen certainly adds a welcome layer to that) but it was sad that Maestro had the same surface-level connection to music as RTD's Toymaker had to games. Yeah they climb out of pianos and use sheet-music-themed whips and dress in a conductor's outfit, but that sounds more like a Batman villain than a Concept Made Flesh. Sure they can magically-somehow stop the world making music, but their motivation for it is... kill everyone in the universe? I really hope RTD can write better Old Gods than his last two if he plans to make them recurring villains. (By the way I assume that the world losing the ability to make music for two decades was magically unwritten at the end, but then again I assumed the same thing about the Flux destroying the universe and that was only half undone.)

Also, I know not every historical episode has to be a 2005-10 style celebrity historical (even though that might be one of my favourite ways of doing it), but if they didn't want to do that then it felt a bit out of place to have two of the Beatles turn up at the very end, with no idea what was going on, and save the day. (And the other two Beatles vanished completely. ...I know the other two were a bit less famous, but after learning that RTD ships the Supernatural brothers, I really wouldn't be surprised to learn he ships McCartney and Lennon.)

Anyway, some other fun or great moments that I wish were in a slightly more coherent episode are: Ruby playing her lovesick lesbian song, the Doctor and Ruby doing their piano battle together, the sonic silence scene, and the destroyed London scene which Maestro abruptly turned into a black background. Oh, and the Doctor saying "I thought that was non-diagetic" was hilarious, I think fans are going to get a lot of mileage out of the idea that the Doctor can hear the background music in older episodes.

Other random things about the episode: it did make me think of Scherzo's fairytale about the king who banished music from his realm. As a batfamily fan, the music teacher at the start being named Timothy Drake for no reason is confusing and funny. It's a niche pet peeve but I think its silly when fiction ties itself to when it's coming out for no reason or in contradiction to its own continuity, so Ruby saying her present day is mid-2024 baffled and irritated me. Since the last episode she's either been travelling with the Doctor for several months, staying at home for several months, or has decided to skip several months ahead, none of which seem very likely.

One last thing I'll say about The Devil's Chord is that the zany cartoonish energy, the visiting of recent history, and the magical menace all remind me of Legends of Tomorrow. It's one of my comfort shows that puts a lot of plot importance and stress on whimsy, jokes, and feel-good moments, but actually does tie them into the narrative. Compared to the last half dozen episodes of Doctor Who, Legends is more of an outright comedy, but its more satisfying and the emotional beats hit harder. If its trying for a more similar tone, I hope Doctor Who can reach the same highs as Legends (which, to be fair, took a few seasons to figure things out).

--

Finally I'll talk about the story arc! Or story arcs, because there's a lot going on. And looking back at his first time on the show, I realise RTD is a big fan of arcs that are basically just repeating things in the background that don't have any impact until the last few episodes. Personally I prefer arcs with a bit more relevance and development, but unfortunately that's probably harder to do on Doctor Who with less episodes.

That said, I was very surprised that Ruby's arc is one of the most interesting things to me in these episodes. The Doctor's memory of her mother changing and then breaking through into the real world is cool as hell, and then Ruby having something about her that trips up a god is really compelling 👀 Is that girl a cosmic horror??

On the other hand, another mention of 'the One Who Waits' is really boring lol. Just another ominous name that everyone can look concerned about without any substance. But I have seen fans connect it to the billboard for Chris Waites and the Carollers, which is hilarious. And speaking of, the mention of Susan was really cool, and so in-depth that it has me wondering if she'll actually come back, which I don't think New Who has made me do seriously before. Then again, it's so on the nose that surely it must be a red herring...

I can't wait to find out what it all means. And I can't wait for the next episode!

[cleolinda]

Varney the Vampire: Chapter 4

Chapter 3: Blood everywhere; a lightswitch rave.

Chapter 4: Originally posted on Livejournal, December 8, 2010. Revised and expanded from the original recap to talk more about literary vampiring.

CHAPTER IV.

THE MORNING. -- THE CONSULTATION. -- THE FEARFUL SUGGESTION.

No, I didn't skip it—there wasn't any "offer of assistance from Sir Francis Varney" in the previous chapter. Not even so much as an apologetic plate of cookies left on the garden wall. Was there any revision involved in writing this, or did James Malcolm Rymer just... put the pen to the paper and wait for the check? Not that I don't feel you, my guy, but "I'm just gonna seat-of-my-pants 667,000 words" is a terrifying prospect (I had thought he'd at least write each chapter once and then revise it to be worse). I'm pretty sure I've put more revision into this blog post, for free. Side note, my man James Malcolm:

What wonderfully different impressions and feelings, with regard to the same circumstances, come across the mind in the broad, clear, and beautiful light of day to what haunt the imagination, and often render the judgment almost incapable of action, when the heavy shadow of night is upon all things. There must be a downright physical reason for this effect -- it is so remarkable and so universal. It seems that the sun's rays so completely alter and modify the constitution of the atmosphere, that it produces, as we inhale it, a wonderfully different effect upon the nerves of the human subject. We can account for this phenomenon in no other way. Perhaps never in his life had he, Henry Bannerworth, felt so strongly this transition of feeling as he now felt it, when the beautiful daylight gradually dawned upon him, as he kept his lonely watch by the bedside of his slumbering sister.

Bram Stoker:

No man knows till he has suffered from the night how sweet and dear to his heart and eye the morning can be. When the sun grew so high this morning that it struck the top of the great gateway opposite my window, the high spot which it touched seemed to me as if the dove from the ark had lighted there. My fear fell from me as if it had been a vaporous garment which dissolved in the warmth.

I'm not pointing this out to say that Stoker did or did not Steal Like An Artist from, perhaps, a collected serial he read in his boyhood, and then wrote it better. Honestly, if he did? Good for him. I'm pointing this out to say, I only have one short life to live, and for some reason, I decided to spend it reading this.

So. In the light of day, Henry finally looks over at the spooky portrait and thinks to himself, you know, that right there is a Spooky Portrait and it gives me a scare:

He tried to keep himself from looking at it, but he found it vain, so he adopted what, perhaps, was certainly the wisest, best plan, namely, to look at it continually.

I don't know why this makes me laugh so much. Sure, that's a plan. And, Henry notes, it's even one of those paintings where the eyes follow you around the room. Maybe we should, you know, take it down. And then he goes, eh. It's a rare work of art, it's painted onto the panel and we'd have to call a contractor out here, we were out all night watching that vampyre fall on his ass, I'm kind of tired, whatevs.

Meanwhile, Flora is still (quite reasonably) traumatized: "My brain is on fire! A million of strange eyes seem to be gazing on me." Like, I'm not actually trying to compare this sentence by sentence (god forbid) to Dracula, but I know it well enough that I remember Jonathan using the same "brain on fire" wording—how common an expression was this? I even went back to check Polidori's "The Vampyre"—"his thoughts were bursting from his brain," an oddly specific throughline of brain-centric disturbance. Just Vampyre Things, I guess.

Despite having chased the vampyre to his own garden wall, Henry is utterly baffled as to why Flora would be so upset—physically weakened, even! She was fine yesterday! What, oh what, could have happened??, he inquires of Mr. Marchdale. Henry is probably saying this while a housekeeper bustles past with a huge bundle of blood-soaked sheets. What do we think was in Flora's room, even though we all saw it gnawing on her throat and we're pretty sure what it was? I mean, we just saw someone making a hideous repast of her, I am completely baffled. But wait! says Marchdale. I've thought of an answer! Now—hold on for this— (I'm holding on—) Because this is gonna blow your mind— (Okay, keep going—) Are you ready for this? (I'm totally ready for this—) I think it was—I can hardly bring myself to say the word aloud and will continue not to say it for another 100 words— (SAY IT GODDAMMIT—) A VAMPYRE!

Well, why do you think this?

"... my pistol bullets hurt him not; and he has left the tokens of his presence on the neck of Flora." "Peace, oh! peace. Do not, I pray you, accumulate reasons why I should receive such a dismal, awful superstition. Oh, do not, Marchdale, as you love me!" "You know my attachment to you," said Marchdale, "is sincere; and yet, Heaven help us!" His voice was broken by grief as he spoke, and he turned aside his head to hide the bursting tears that would, despite all his efforts, show themselves in his eyes.

For shame, Henry, you made your mom's... someone... cry! (Don't get me wrong, I love Weepy Masculinity, and we'll talk about it more another time.) But Henry is shocked, I tell you, shocked! that Marchdale should come to such a conclusion! To believe would drive him mad, I tell you! MAAAAAAAAD!

And then George comes in all like, "Guys, I know this is gonna sound crazy, but—hold on for this—I think it was a—" "VAMPYRE, WE KNOW." And now George the "frail reed" is crying, Henry, see what you've done?

Unfortunately, Henry is pretty much the only person in a hundred-mile radius who is having trouble with this concept; the servants, we are told, immediately ran out and told everyone about the vampyre flumping over the garden wall. Henry rides into town to fetch a doctor and immediately runs into Some Gentleguy on Horseback. "Bro, what's this about your sister getting bit by a vampyre?" "Uh... no. That was... a thief. That was totally a thief." "No? Seriously, the whole town's talking about it. You sure? Like fang marks and everything—" "MAAAAAD, I TELL YOUUUUU!!"

At last Henry gets to the doctor—who starts out as "Mr. Chillingworth" and mysteriously becomes "Dr. Chillingworth" some five hundred pages from now. (In fairness, many doctors, particularly surgeons, were merely "Mister" long into the nineteenth century. Side note: The Scarlet Letter would not be published until 1850, and on a different continent at that. I checked, because I immediately thought the name was an allusion.) So Mr. Dr. Chillingworth listens to Henry's story, and I'm getting all clappy because this has got to be our Van Helsing figure, and I have always loved the Kindly Old Doctor Who Knows All the Legends type, and so Henry finishes and Chillingworth declares—

"I don't care if [the facts] were ten times more glaring, I won't believe it. I would rather believe you were all mad, the whole family of you -- that at the full of the moon you all were a little cracked."

(*record needle scratch*)

Well, Stoker certainly didn't run off with that.

So Henry gets back to Bannerworth Hall and he starts telling Flora that it was totally a thief who was chewing on her throat. Totally. But he'll just keep sitting by her bedside. You know. Just in case more thieving is a-fang.

"Then I shall rest in peace, for I know that the dreadful vampyre cannot come to me when you are by." "The what, Flora?" "The vampyre, Henry. It was a vampyre." "Good God, who told you so?"

She was… there? The holes in her neck? Keep up? Maybe Henry has that Memento thing where he can't remember anything for longer than five minutes, which—well, that would explain a lot about the writing style, actually. Flora replies,

"No one. I have read of them in the book of travels in Norway, which Mr. Marchdale lent us all."

So--a møøse bit his sister?

"They do say, too, that those who in life have been bled by a vampyre, become themselves vampyres, and have the same horrible taste for blood as those before them. Is it not horrible?"

For those of you keeping score, in-story popular belief at this point is that it takes only one bite to turn you into a vampire. This is contradicted later, because of course it is, but it's worth noting; it fits with the idea that the less sexually permissive a society/era is, the more easily you get punished by the contagion. You'd think, then, that this bodes ill for Flora, but as far as I know, either Flora has a Purity Override, or fuck continuity, that's what.

Enter Mr. Dr. Chillingworth, who wants to know about Flora's "dream." "It wasn't a dream, it was a vampyre!" "Is that what you call a dream?" NO, IT'S WHAT I CALL A VAMPYRE. She shows him the bites on her neck, and he's all, pshhhh, those, those are totally insect bites. You know, giant seven-foot insects with scratchy fingernails and hypnotic tin eyes. Bit of Raid's all you need, take care of that in a jiff.

Chillingworth and Henry say nothing in particular for 300 words, at the end of which Chillingworth finally declares that vampyres are "a degrading superstition," and that Flora seems to be "labouring under the effect of some narcotic." You know, those narcotics you staple into people's necks, leaving two (2) holes. Or: blood loss, but that's far less likely, in his medical opinion, so he's just confused now.

"You have, of course, heard something," said Henry to the doctor, as he was pulling on his gloves, "about vampyres."

"I certainly have, and I understand that in some countries, particularly Norway and Sweden, the superstition is a very common one."

And he thinks Let the Right One In was much better than the remake.

WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?

I don't know why I didn't mention this in 2010, but I'm guessing Henry is referring to the Old Norse draugr—like, I know there are Scandinavian vampires, it's just that... I've never seen English-language vampire literature of the 1800s mention them? LeFanu mentions "Upper and Lower Styria, in Moravia, Silesia, in Turkish Serbia, in Poland, even in Russia" in "Carmilla" (1872), and Andrew Lang wasn't talking about draugr until late 1897, "with the idea further pursued by more modern commentators." Polidori's "Ruthven" is a Scottish name, and its bearer goes vampiring in Greece, for that matter. In fact, when Henry chimes in, "And in the Levant," Rymer may be alluding to Polidori. But he just throws "Norwegian vampires" in like, well, obviously. What, haven't you read Grettis saga Ásmundarsonar, published in English, uh, twenty years from now?

However Rymer came by this, whatever travelogue he did read, the draugr doesn't seem to have caught on quite the way Dracula, or even Ruthven, did. Who knows, maybe "Transylvanian vampires" sounded equally random in 1897, but that's the lore that won pop culture.

Mr. Dr. Chillingworth also mentions "the ghouls of the Mahometans." The word "ghoul" comes directly from the Arabic word ghūl, which is "associated with graveyards and the consumption of human flesh," although the concept seems to be pre-Islamic Arabian, not specifically "Mahometan" (i.e., Mohammedan, an archaic or even offensive term; TIL). Rymer would have known the word from the influential 1786 Gothic-Orientalist novel Vathek, and may have even used it here as a specific callback, because it would be a shame to just go on and have a vampyre without blaming it on Those Foreigners. Chillingworth continues,

"All that I have heard of the European vampyre has made it a being which can be killed, but is restored to life again by the rays of a full moon falling on the body."

Here we go. It's worth noting here (no, I swear it is) that the idea of sunlight instantly killing vampires is a complete invention of the German film Nosferatu (1922), an "unauthorized adaptation" of Dracula. I love bringing this up as often as possible, because Dracula being slain by a convenient blast of light (Horror of Dracula, 1958, reporting for duty) is such a deeply ingrained pop-culture thing, and it is 10,000% not in the original novel. Which all you Dracula Daily regulars know, I'm sure. Stoker plays as loose with his Vampire Rules as Rymer does, but Dracula does appear in daylight at least twice that I can remember off the top of my head, although it's said to weaken him. I feel like the functional point of this is to have Any Time At All When The Heroes Have A Shot In Hell At Not Getting Eaten, and so this is why the literary vampire of the 1800s sometimes has to scamper off to its coffin at the stroke of dawn. Carmilla has to do this, but she also strolls back to Laura's house at... one in the afternoon; clearly, sunlight is not terribly crucial to the lore. Rather, it's moonlight that's associated with vampires earlier in the century—as a means of reviving them. It's actually a key plot point in Polidori's "The Vampyre" (back in 1819), and one of the stand-out elements in the popular awareness of vampires at the time.

Oh! By the way, tonight happens to be the night of the full moon. Even Chillingworth says, "If now you had succeeded in killing —. Pshaw, what am I saying."

"To-night," [Henry] repeated, "is the full of the moon. How strange that this dreadful adventure should have taken place just the night before."

Indeed. And the serial really wants us to notice this. You'd think a vampyre might avoid a bright night when they'd be more likely to be seen, but, on the other hand, maybe that's Moon Insurance in case they get capped on someone's garden wall. To confirm, Henry gets Travels in Norway off the bookshelf, and—after a thorough, paid-by-the-word description of how books sometimes open at certain pages, right down to the way the binding gets stretched—

"With regard to these vampyres, it is believed by those who are inclined to give credence to so dreadful a superstition, that they always endeavour to make their feast of blood, for the revival of their bodily powers, on some evening immediately preceding a full moon, because if any accident befall them, such as being shot, or otherwise killed or wounded, they can recover by lying down somewhere where the full moon's rays will fall on them."

There it is. Since we're going chapter by chapter, it's easy to lose sight of the big picture, but what I think the serial is getting at is, Varney probably is "dead" somewhere on the heathy landscape after getting his hapless ass shot. Except—EXCEPT! for the moonlight that just so happens to be in place to revive him. Because, while the FULL MOON. IT'S A FULL MOON might seem kind of randomly gothic to us, everyone reading this in 1847 would have been chortling in anticipation.

(Chapter 5 will go up on Friday, March 24.)

[bunnymcfoo]

I'm just working some shit out in my head right now and this feels like the only place I have to put it. Trigger warning for suicidal ideation.

I am really really really really really not okay right now. We've spent close to $3k on vet bills since last Thursday and while we certainly do have time to pay it off (thanks care credit!) it's still a hell of a lot of money, especially for our poor asses. It's legit an entire month's worth of income.

My best beloved elder cat Cassandra is still dying of kidney disease and there's literally nothing I can do about it and we're getting closer and closer to the end and I just can't. I can't. I love her so much and I'm gonna miss her with every atom of my being.

I've gotta call my agency and tell them that I need a new client, because the lady that mom and I both take care of is going into a care facility as soon as the end of this month and that's when two thirds of our income will just, like, go up in smoke. I cannot express strongly enough how much I do not want to do this. I'm so burnt out on caregiving that just the idea of taking on a new client makes me want to crawl under the covers and never come back out. The doctor called today to tell me that I'm too fucking fat to have breast reduction surgery. Like, not just a little bit too fat, no, like, I'd have to lose over a hundred pounds before they'd consider it levels of fat. I'm pretty sure that the only way my eating disordered ass can do that is via weight loss surgery (which, ironically, they'd be happy to do for me) so that's not gonna happen and I just get to be in pain forever.

And then there's just, like, That. Trump. The senate. Probably the house. Every hour something new hits me, like, they're 100% gonna get rid of the Endangered Species Act and we're gonna lose so -- god. We're gonna lose so much. I was already struggling hard before this week - winter is always harder. Always. and I've been fighting and clawing and holding it back, but my god, I wanna die so badly right now. I just want to hold my cat and go to sleep and never ever ever wake up, because I'm so scared and feel so helpless and like nothing will ever be good or worthwhile again. It's been a long time since I felt this way, like, just this deep and terrified exhaustion, and I didn't miss it. But here I am, hip deep in mud and I'm so tired of struggling and it's just getting deeper and deeper. I'm not gonna do anything. I wanna be dead, but I don't wanna kill myself, and even if I did, I wouldn't, because I couldn't do that to my mom. She's lost both her parents and I cannot take her child away. Plus, leaving her with four cats - well, soon to be three, but whatever - would be incredibly shitty. But this is the first time I've felt like this since I got medicated and I just don't know what to do about it - I'm maxed out on my lamotrigine and most of the other meds we've tried have had really bad side effects for me. I'd say I hate this so much, but honestly, I'm too empty to feel hate right now. But instead of dying, I'm gonna go eat something. I'm gonna hug my mom when she gets home. Tomorrow, I'm gonna call my psych's office so we can talk about possible courses of action. I'm gonna cuddle my cats. I'm gonna email the therapists I have pulled up to email. I don't get to die, I have plane tickets to Seattle and Columbus and friends to hug, and to get there I just have to keep going. So I'm gonna put one foot in front of another because there's really no other option. And yeah, I'm maybe gonna be crying the whole time, but that's sometimes the way it goes. Anyway. Sorry to anyone who read this, but also, thanks for listening I guess?

[lilisouless]

Hello, love <3

First of all, I want you to know that You. Are. Not. Alone.

I've felt like how you feel for most of my teenage years, (I still do sometimes, because life is hard), and I know that it doesn't feel like you have support. That no one understands you and you're left alone in the darkness. You are not, I promise.

I wanted to kill myself, too. I was going through life as an empty shell of a human, trying not to cave under all the pressure of just being alive. I felt like no one would care if I was gone, or that I wasn't important. But that's not true. And it isn't for you, either. You deserve to live.

There's no one like you out there, there's only one of you, and you're perfect like you are.

Su*cide is not the answer. Because you don't deserve that. You deserve a life full of love and joy, and although that may seem impossible as of right now, I promise you that you will have it one day.

I feel like a failure, too. I never finished 9th grade and got kicked out of high-school because I didn't attend due to mental and physical conditions. I'm dependent on my family, I would never be able to get a job without qualifications.

I don't know why you feel like you've failed, but it will get better. And I know that that's hard to believe right now, but it does.

You're not a failure, the path you take is just different from others. Yours has hills and valleys and bumps in the road, and maybe isn't smooth and straight ahead like you want it to be, but you will get through it.

And if you even need one reason to stay, I'll be that reason. I smile everytime I see your blog. I have no fucking idea what's going on with Shadow and Bone, but I enjoy your posts whole-heartedly.

You are loved. I'm telling you all of this from the bottom of my heart, because when I felt like this I would've needed something like this.

I hope you feel better soon. I'll try and check in with you, if you want that.

Just don't take your life. It's too precious. You are too precious.

Life is fucking hard, and it can be miserable. But I'm telling you that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

It won't just happen immediately, you need to heal, and that takes time.

But you will heal, I promise.

I strongly believe that you can survive this.

You're stronger than you think. You're still here after all.

You can always reach out to me for whatever reason. You're not fighting this alone.

My words might not mean much, but I just want you to know that there's someone out there who knows what you feel like.

Stay strong, okay? <3

Hello, i know this has been in draft for a long while already , since its been weeks since my breakdown. I didn't awnser because i didn't want to give a half heartfelt short anwser, i needed time for finishing the problem, the job that made me had this deppresive episode. It´s already done so i finally have time to respond, i did saw them back then btw, just wanted to read the whole think without having a second breakdown in reminder of the first one (like, right now i am fine and i am close to tear up)

First all , thanks for taking time for all that. Don't know if it matters but i am not a teen, actually my depression started at 19 more or less, started to live with it on my twenties, i had an hormonal inbalance and was getting controlled but hit back again. Just wanted to clarify because i am realizing maybe i am acting like an inmature teen.

The words do matter, specially since, being strangers on the internet, its the only thing we can do, so i really appreciate it. I am not in danger, the most that happened that one time was that i tried to call a suicide hotline, no one reponded but i made a step and talked my mom about it, talking my problems out loud made me see there weren't that bad. Still, thanks for taking your time to talk to me❤

[syceusfig]

Sex Education S4.

Hi friends, its been a while. Shit has been pouring down and I've been here with no umbrella, just hoping for it to end and it hasn't but you know what? Acceptance is a gift. So here I am, accepting things and writing a rant about the forth season of Sex Education because I might actually be going insane. If I feel like it, I might do a proper analysis of the show as a whole because it is absolutely fantastic. I highly recommend watching it if you haven't yet. That being said, spoilers for Sex Education season 4 (and potentially other seasons) ahead.

I'm honestly not entirely sure how I feel about this season. I think I prefer it to the third season but not to the first and second. To begin, I think it might be nice to cover why that might be.

So the first, probably most striking factor, is how crowded Sex Education got in the third season. There were (from what I found) 18 characters considered part of the main cast in the third season, which made it very difficult for the show to put any focus on specific characters and shortened the amount of time we got with the main three. Now, the forth season cut out quite a few characters and managed to do it somewhat naturally with Otis and Eric's shift from Moordale to Cavendish, as well as Jean finding out Jakob was not Joy's father. Most of the characters that were cut out had completed storylines (in my opinion) so I wasn't too bothered by it however I felt that Ola and Jakob's complete removal from the show was too sudden as there was no consolidation from Jean finding out Jakob wasn't Joy's father to him completely leaving. I also thought that Ola not being in Adam's life made no sense as I was really hoping they'd get more screentime this season after they got so little of it last season.

I want to note that I do know Patricia Allison (the actress who plays Ola) had said she would not be returning for the forth season and things like that do happen, however it is still very unfortunate and I wish Ola would've at least still have been mentioned by Adam, acknowledging her absence in his life because her complete erasure felt unnatural to me and didn't make much sense overall.

In spite of this, cutting some characters out was generally a good thing. It allowed the show to focus and develop more on characters, giving them more complete, well-developed storylines (or it should have, but we'll get to that) and removing the struggle for screentime I felt there was in Season 3.

One of the downfalls of this season, however, was the failure to fully take advantage of the newfound lack of crowing. There was a certain choppiness to the third season and all the storylines felt disjointed. Which can be okay, as characters do need to develop by themselves, but too much individuality can take away from the whole. The first two seasons of Sex Education had that wholeness, characters had storylines but they were connected in a way; there was a bigger picture that formed as each character developed their smaller, individual pictures. Unfortunately, the choppiness from the third season remained in the forth. Though less, there was a disjointedness. The characters were very strongly "grouped" this season and their storylines hugely revolved around those groups and those groups only. There was no bigger picture, there was no "ultimate" which left a sense of unfinished.

Speaking of unfinished, I'm going to move into individual things that worked and didn't work this season, starting with Jackson and Cal. Quite simply, there was no resolution. Their relationship went nowhere this season, it was just something that sort of lingered over the audience's head but never went anywhere. I found it increasingly frustrating and thought there were multiple moments that could've been worked to create a resolution between them, whatever that may have been. Like when Cal went missing, if Jackson had found them rather than Eric, something could have been done there, a talk, a moment, anything. I just didn't like how they were sort of glossed over. Ultimately, I felt their storyline was unfinished and, as a whole, discarded.

Before moving on I want to talk a little bit more about Cal. I thought they had a lot of potential when they were introduced in Season 3 them being non-binary was practically their only defining trait. I had hope that more would be done with them this season because it's great to have NB representation in shows but I don't feel more has been done. There were some pros, like us getting a bit of a view into Cal's home life, but aside from that it didn't feel like much had changed and the only moment Cal was at all crucial to the story was right at the end.

I also felt that Otis and Eric's "rift" didn't work. One of my favourite things about Sex Education has been Otis and Eric's relationship because they have an incredible bond despite their differences and are always there for each other when needed. The lack of this relationship this season was very much missed. While I understand Eric's inclination to befriend people he felt were more similar to him, I feel the show navigated this badly and it was sort of an afterthought. Otis and Eric's fight was furthermore incredibly redundant as it was similar to fights Otis and Eric previously had made up and moved on from, making it seem like a fight for the sake of a fight.

There was quite a bit of fighting for the sake of fighting this season. Which brings me to my next point, Maeve and Otis. I was firstly glad the show had them keep in contact while Maeve was in America so they didn't start in that sort of strange, vague place they did in the third season. However, their on and off this season was very unnecessary. With the death of Maeve's mum and her having just come back from America, their relationship would have already faced enough challenges and obstacles. Getting to watch them navigate that in a relationship would have worked a lot better than the same "will they, won't they" the show has been doing for three seasons already. It's gotten old. We ended up not getting much time with them as a couple which I was really hoping for.

Maeve and Otis' ending in and off itself was understandable but I am very upset regardless. I loved the bit with the note, I thought it wrapped everything up very well. I liked that she kept the shirt, I liked that she chose herself and her future, I like how he closed his eyes when she left so, to be fair, I liked quite a lot. But, as I've said, I wish we had gotten more time with them in the season because I think it would've made it more impactful.

Something that wasn't major but I quickly want to talk about was Eric's relationship with religion this season. While I liked that the show presented how difficult it can be being a queer person who is still religious and finds community in church or worship in general, I found Eric's religion journey confusing. The abstract aspects of it (like the signs, the woman who I suppose was God, etc.) were kind of like when Villanelle started seeing Jesus in "Killing Eve". I didn't think the abstract aspects really fit with the rest of the show so it all just felt out of place. However, I liked that it brought about a lovely family moment with Eric and his mum.

I've been talking mostly about what didn't work so I'm switching to something that has. Family moments were something this season absolutely nailed. The scene between Maeve and Jean was absolutely beautiful and so tender. I loved everything about it and I think the show did wonderfully, especially because Jean and Maeve properly meeting was something I have been waiting for since the start of the show. This and the simple, lovely moment were Cal and their mum were lying together.

Also worth mentioning Adam and his dad's slowly growing and healing relationship. Mr. Groff's development throughout the show has been done astonishingly well, I was genuinely rooting for him this season and I loved seeing him trying with Adam. I also thought Adam was great. I liked that he found something he loved, accepting school wasn't for him because it really isn't for everyone and it's very nice to see that acknowledged.

So, there were nice things about this season and I did enjoy it (I mean, I finished it the day after it came out) despite it definitely not being my favourite. Now, I have a multitude of different issues with the end probably because so much pressure and anticipation goes into an ending that when it doesn't reach the expectations we set for it, it can be very detrimental to our overall enjoyment. For Sex Education, I think there are a lot of little things that could have been changed to make the ending more satisfying, more final. But, if I keep going I will never, ever stop (and it is mainly minor things that could've been done) so I think I'll just end this post here on a semi-positive note.

Sex Education is a great show. Yes, it was better at the start and yes I think it could've been wrapped up earlier hopefully leaving us with a more satisfying ending. But it's still very much worth the watch, there's a lot to love, and I still recommend watching it regardless. I want to be clear in saying I don't think this season or the ending was horrible by any means I just expected and hoped for more. Anyway, if you have any thoughts do share them whether or not you agree with me; I'm always happy to discuss.

[busyfish]

i'm just journaling here so i'm going to just talk a lot under the cut

i cleaned the bird area and the cages and stuff tonight.

it's legitimately interesting to me to see like the areas of the cages where the birds are the most.

i know that ori's old cage is now the social area. they can all fit on the same perch in there. so like allll the poop is there. and the food area has some poop and obvi the food the falls to the floor.

the second cage is truly like the food area though. it seems to have near zero poops on the right side and only really a little poop near the food bowls. it is nearly just food that fell to the ground.

it's neat to be able to see the social habits of my birds just by cleaning after them.

-

it's a weird time for me.

it's 9 degrees right now and it's noticable that days are less bright too.

i feel like it's some-what better for me and i feel just a little lighter today even though i was so low energy i mostly just did bed all day.

i have been strongly and consistently depressed since June.

and when Ori died it made things so much worse.

and just July being July and me feeling like that was a time when my eyes got opened to something so hurtful, it just seems to like be "oh yeah it's time for that".

and of course being in the hospital recently.

right now i feel like i should be happier but i'm not.

the madoka movie trailer sort of got me off track of my like cycle i guess?

it's really like not something i want anymore.

it's not exactly just that i don't want to get over them or whatever.

i just feel like i can't.

i feel like i don't have much else to focus on when i feel lonely or i feel like i need some comfort and love and kind words or just someone telling me i'm cute and look pretty.

and it's not that i need the words. the words themselves are meaningless.

it's just having so much in common and feeling like we were kind of just meant for each and to be friends and on top of that having the words.

it's hard to replace that but also it's just hard knowing no one even really wants to replace that.

i'm not upset at anyone or anything like that but like no one really has time for me. we're at this point in life where everyone has their friends already, they have their busy lives, people work, most people function correctly.

i'm too much work and a hassle anyway.

-

i've really gotten into Kelly Moran lately.

she did a split with Prurient and i knew of her but didn't actually like look her up and like immerse myself into her works until very recently.

her regular piano stuff is cool but i wasn't aware she's a huge prepared paino composer.

which is juts amazing to me.

John Cage has always been a huge influence on me and when i heard that aphex twin album with all the prepared pieces on it i was like just in love in love.

it's something i've always wanted to do but never have had a lot of access to.

i've played prepared intrustments a bit but pianos are just so expensive and it takes a lot of work to prepare one properly.

one of these days maybe?

-

i have felt a lot of creativity inside of me lately.

there are things i want to express and perform and just geto ut of me.

but this depression i've been going through has juyst sucked the soul out of me and i find it hatrd.

i also just have gotten so fare rom like i guess, everything? i'm losing track of so many things now.

i forget to eat (because i don't get hungry) and i just don't take care as muic h as i should.

lately too my dyslexia has goten a lot worse nad also like dyspraxia has been hard to deal with,

there's also ust me having issues with words and stuff

there's just a huge like uh

i give up a lot of "necessary" congitive function to just pure survival but also i guess my mind sees and hears a lot of things that are expressive and creative instead.

and also just focusing on the liek special interest stuff.

so i feel like i am losing hte ability to keep myself like tangible to most people and it feels hard to me feral but also be like "please i need someone in my life"

i really do.

if only for a little bit.

just someone who can be there for me most days for just a little while.

keeup up with me and help me remember i am not lost.

i want to feel warmth and interest from someone.

i want to feel like i am a priorty and i matter al ot to them.

i don't know. it's asking a lot i guess.

people are either married or in romantic relationshops for that.

i'm never going to be married or have a romantic partner.

so i guess it's just not for me. i don't deserve those things.

but maybe once i get out of this depression i'll finish writing this thing i like a lot.

maybe i can draw it well enough too.

[captainsspnanon]

C3E65 reaction

Imogen Laudna stuff in it's own separate untagged post. Don't search it out if you love the pairing, I'm not here for drama.

FUCKING fanTASTIC episode!!!! ALL of it!

Looking at the timeline for this, as I finished watching late last night but immediately went to bed rather than typing up my reaction, as I always then spent like, 2 or 3 hours on tumblr after no matter how much I say I'm just going to make my reaction then go to sleep.

We got some solid conversation between the groups, and Laudna's freakout was 100% justified. As much as team wildemount did have their own struggles (and they DID!), it was a much more comforting trip than team issylra, especially with all the downtime they got. (had team issylra gotten those five days of wibbly timeline, i'm not sure if it would have been downtime, or if it would have been hishari drama or other drama.)

At the start of the episode, both my mom and I were a bit confused as to why Ashton was so chipper. However, when they had their conversation with FCG about trying to do better, not necessarily being okay but not being bad either, finding a purpose, actively engaging in friendship rather than avoiding it for fear of being burnt again, THEN it made sense. It's certainly one of the times where I would have preferred Taliesin to show more of the emotional transition on screen, but that's not how Tal RPs, and I'm used to that. 4 Sided Dives/Talks are always the best to find out what's truly going on with Tal's PCs, which is a sign of how much he has the inner life for them, and also (in my slightly negative opinion) a sign of how much he isn't really showing it outright in main campaign. And I admit my usual annoyance with Ashton asking Milo to make something but not verbalizing it so that the cast can be surprised when Taliesin shows whatever it was off. I didn't mind it to start, and it made sense with a lot of Percy's things to not take up time, but I've since learned that Taliesin will just do this all the time and yeah. I'm over it. However, by the end of the episode we know at least that the immovable rod was put in the hammer, as well as the scatter spell crystals, so at the very least we know a good chunk, so I feel better about it.

No real comments on FCG's emotional state, especially re: FRIDA, as he right now seems to be keeping it pushed down. However, I did appreciate how much he pushed back on other party members in regards to the opinions of the gods. Things did get smoothed over a bit more easily than I was expecting it to, based on the comments from 6sd, but at the same time it makes absolute sense as this party really is the 'smooth things over' party, especially when compared with VM and M9. I don't consider it a bad thing, tbh, even though I love the interparty drama, because it's a different dynamic that's being explored.

As I've already talked about getting spoiled about the imodna kiss, I'll keep this section brief. 1) I adore how they clearly forgot how Matt held his face to do Zhudanna and I love that they both nearly lost it. 2) Marisha flailing whenever getting romanced will never not be funny. 3) I actually hope that when we next get her on 4sd, she can talk more about the fact that she built a PC to be 'unromanceable'. We know that Liam had designed Caleb to not have another romance, and we saw how that fell apart. I wonder what her thought process was behind it and how she feels about it going forwards, as Liam made the choice with Caleb to RP the unrequited, and then take the steps for the requited, whereas Laura took the initiative with this romance. 4) Pour one out for my mom who is mourning the platonic friendship that she felt mirrored very strongly a friendship that she has which she was enjoying seeing portrayed.

OKay, the NON-romance stuff! I'm very excited to see how it plays out with both Imogen and Laudna feeling the need for power from sources that they feel they can't trust. Laudna not even being able to admit that she wants the power from Delilah, this could be a very interesting road to go down. AND LUDINUS YOU FUCK. So excited to see where else he's dropping his propaganda. Is it just Marquet? It's GOT to be around all of Exandria, right???

Moving on to Fearne, Chetney, and Orym - I'm a little disappointed they didn't share more information with Ajit, but it was a good conversation nonetheless. There were a few things that he said which made me feel as if Matt was leaving a few options open for if the party wanted to do a few paid tasks in town, a la the Mighty Nein. I didn't see any of them being accepted, but I liked that they were still put out there, even if the party is pretty much mainlining the plot at this point. The bounty hunter sent by the shopkeeper was unexpected (or would have been if I hadn't gotten spoiled, dammit) and was a fun mini-combat! I wonder how long Matt had that sitting in his pocket.

THE DUSKMAVEN. That whole scene was SO good! I was a bit surprised at first with how emotional Orym was, considering he didn't really have a connection with her beforehand, until I realized that this was the first time he's been in any temple since the shit hit the fan. I suspect that no matter WHOSE temple it was, he would have been the same way, with the possible exception of the Dawnfather. Having multiple party members receive a vision was definitely a good play, as this moves from FCG being the only one with actual interaction to four members. Vax as an orb forever screaming? fun times fun times. ...there's the morbid angsty part of me that hopes they share that information with Keyleth who shares it with VM. LOOK I LIKE SOME GOOD HURT/COMFORT SOMETIMES OKAY.

LILLIANA ON RUIDUS. LUDINUS ON RUIDUS. IRA ON RUIDUS TALKING WITH REILORA. oh I cannot WAIT to see how things go from here! MOON'S HAUNTED Y'ALL AND THEY ARE GOING BACK WITH A GUN.

[liz-and-the-blue-bird]

Good evening to me

As is tradition for these long personal posts, I am currently moving. Look at my cleaned up desk set up:

Here's a song.

My job suddenly let me go a couple weeks ago. I'm not worried, but... well I'm starting to get worried. I was initially feeling ok, because I actually had an interview lined up for the week following, but that fell through too now so I'm just very nervous.

So I've been saddled with a lot of time to think now. And it's all been bad. I'm basically stuck again. I've moved back with my parents for the time being and it stinks. They haven't been berating me or anything (though I'm sure it will come soon enough), but I just feel so... trapped. I feel like I'm stuck in a time loop, cursed to never escape or... well, to be honest, develop a real relationship.

I'm strongly reminded of my time stuck at my parent's home immediately after I first graduated college. While I had been broken up with the ex for about two years or so by then, it still was grating on me subconsciously, I know because my default state is very extroverted and during maybe the 2-3 years after her, I was very soft spoken and introverted. I didn't reach out to people that much. It felt like I was trying to remember who I was for a little bit, after dedicating a little too much to someone else. Then I felt extra useless because I just couldn't get a job for the life of me, maybe for like 4 months if I remember correctly.

Those were really rough months, as I tried to find meaning in what I was doing.

Well, I feel like I'm in that spot again. Broke up with the same girl. Then sent to live with the parents in the same old room that is now accruing mess because I'm just not a very well kept guy.

I'm really scared right now.

And I've let my mind just wander back to the ex. The problem with this room is I have 2 strong memories of it: 1) being stuck here, not able to find a job and 2) watching the ex sleep in my bed, a little bit sick, waiting for her to wake up so that I can make us dinner. So I start wondering if should contact her, because I feel so much like I'm running out of time. I'm getting too old, or something.

I'm scared I'm gonna be alone forever, or, if I do fall in love again, fall in love in a way that I find disappointing or settle or whatever.

So I start wondering if I should contact her. It's not even just I want to talk to her again about stuff that only we could talk about (as I stated before, she occupied this specific intersection of people that I just don't have anywhere else), I actively just... want that type of relationship connection again.

Then my mind races through whether she would even want to date me again.

Then my mind races through the complexities of dating her again, what friends I'd need to inform, which friends I'd actively keep in the dark because they would reject her and fight me about it, probably for my own good tbh.

Then my mind races through the complexities of, well, dating someone who my brain can't even trust anymore.

My mom isn't helping. If you may remember, after the previous break up, she briefly mentioned "what if you do end up together." I thought that would be the end of it, but recently we were talking about the people in my ex's town having to forget about me for a second time. Then my mom said "hopefully for the last time, but ya know, your dad was saying- oop." and then she changed the topic.

I wonder if I still sound happy when talking about my ex. Because maybe my parents are still wondering if I'm going to forgive her and go back to her. It's been already 3 months after a 5 month long relationship and here I still am.

It's all a mess and then I realize that I really shouldn't contact her or try to even initiate this conversation because it wouldn't work out for one reason or another and then I get trapped in the feeling of being scared and alone forever again.

And I tried to cry today.

I tried. With tears and everything. It didn't really work. I can't really cry unless I'm with someone I'm very comfortable with after telling them what happened. So... The last time I cried with tears was January 28th, in my ex's arms. The first and last time I cried with her. And also the first time I cried with tears since... hm. There was a moment in 2018 where I really broke down and cried in my room. But.. yea. That's it.

See, the thing is, I know I will be ok alone. I know I'll find my own peace and my own happiness being alone. I watched my uncle do it before he passed away. I've watched family friends do it. Hell, I thought I was aromatic until I re-met the ex.

But that's the rub, isn't it? I thought I was aromatic.

After dating her again, I realize that I very very very very clearly am not.

There's a degree of personal happiness that I can't access alone. If my personal happiness goes from 1/10 (deciding if life is worth living) to 10/10 (on a date with a girl who I know likes me), then the degrees of happiness 9/10 and 10/10 are locked unless I'm with someone. I haven't felt 9/10 or 10/10 without dating someone. And I had forgotten this was all the case until I dated her again. When I was alone those 8 years, I thought my 8/10 happy moments was as good as it was gonna get.

It wasn't.

And now I'm scared I'll never be able to reach that degree of happiness again.

Because, you see, I've been looking around. I've been talking to people, trying to find someone new. I've hit some sparks, I can feel some girls liking me. But I don't think I like them the same way I liked the ex.

With the ex, I was ecstatic about her in every way. I wanted to talk about her to everyone I knew. She was 3 hours away, and that 3 hour drive to her house was the greatest amount of anticipation I ever felt. It was exhilarating. Every time.

I still remember the first time I saw her again, she just walked out the door, jumped, surprised because I spooked her from the corner, then she charged and hugged me. And I felt 10/10. I felt 11/10. It was one of the greatest moments of my life.

This isn't a hyperbole.

But I don't know if I'll reach this with someone else.

Maybe I just haven't found the one yet. But I'm scared I'll run out of time. There some part of me that just wants my future wife to be someone I've known for a very long time. I kinda don't want someone new, I want someone I'm familiar with. Someone nostalgic.

I think I'm just imposing what my ex and I had onto future girls, which is causing me to not accept different kinds of interactions with them. But I really don't know how else to describe it other than they don't make me as excited. I'm not getting that spark. I don't get it. I just.. don't understand. I guess I'm just not over her yet.

And then the final bit is that an old boss of mine contacted me. I think I might take his job, but it's taking a bit longer for it to materialize. However, this job is in small town, Louisiana. The same small town that killed my romanticism 5-ish years ago.

It's a really really good opportunity. It would literally triple-quadruple my previous wage, and, I was not being paid minimum wage or anything. And he says eventually I'd be transferred to New Orleans, so at least I know I wouldn't be trapped in small town, USA.

I'm just.. scared I'll be alone forever.

So I'm trying to decide if I should text her again.

And I really, really shouldn't.

But... maybe.

ah I don't know anymore