#I've her blocked from idk October?

[justthinkingaboutlouis]

I actually thought at least one of the Indian artists would be in top 5. And one artist I don't like anymore is there :(.

[laylajeffany]

At the symphony - Wednesday has to imagine worse horrors than ever to avoid attaching her feelings to Enid. Why is this accidentally a Christmas fic in October IDK I have also moved some one-shots from here over to AO3 and have a few more to figure out what to do with:

There are persistent issues with both harassment and security in this fandom.

I'm currently cleaning out anything in the realm of personal content from this Tumblr even if I've never had anything that was actually identity revealing here and ensuring all future publication is hosted on AO3. I have been blocking accounts, turned off asks even for logged-in users, and will be exclusively talking about the show or my writing on here. I won't be dropping anything fun or personal here or in the author's notes on AO3. I have taken all the old ones down so stories can be read without having to think about what's going on behind the scenes.

Most readers are just looking for free content anyway; it's good for them that I found my love for writing again recently and that posting it helps me finish what I started. Continue to reap free content without the trouble of remembering there is a whole person and not a robot behind it.

[wackus-bonkus-maximus]

In the special, why emonette couldn't make a wish? Was it because of Supreme leader?

hello october anon, i'm very sorry for the delay i've had such a time but believe me when i say toxigriffe hasn't left my brain. i'm about to give you so much more of an answer to what you asked (but dw there will be pictures)

so it looks like whatever seal plikki have on their mouths does belong to the supreme. and it appears that even in their true forms this seal still lasts.

and it's not just a block either. it seems like resisting actually hurts plikki, like a shock collar.

and then right after marinette makes the wish, the seal appears again beneath her feet.

whatever power the supreme has, it's more powerful than the wish. but what could have made the supreme so powerful to begin with? my theory is this: the supreme got a hold of the ladybug and black cat miraculous (maybe even the whole miracle box) and made a wish. we don't know what it was, but it seems that there's evidence enough to back up the inclusion of the clause that no one can supercede their wish. that's what makes them the supreme.

lets take a look at what the miracle box looks like in fu and then marinette's possesion:

and then here's the supreme's (from the intro), complete with their symbol and everything:

doesn't it look like the symbol of the order of the guardians?? just with an x superimposed over it??? and since fu had the lb & bc miraculouses at the start of the series, maybe this miracle box that the supreme acquired as the guardian also had those miraculous. that's how toxigriffe ended up getting their proper miraculous in the paris special!!

i think the intro is telling us a story of what happened, actually. first, the supreme got a hold of the miracle box. next, they made a wish. (i assume it's an image of the wish, given what the wish looked like in re-creation)

the image splits into hexagons, with the one with the wish happening forming in the center. i'm guessing all those other hexagons are parallel worlds, and this world in the center is the one the supreme became the supreme of

then we get an image of this person, who i assume is the supreme, given the giant x they are standing in front of - the same symbol that blocks the guardian insignia on the box and on plikki's mouths. like all the fractured worlds featured in the previous image, the supreme stands in the midst of fractured pieces of what looks like glass.

maybe all the shards represent worlds the supreme has tried to take over before, but failed to. maybe they are all the worlds the supreme has conquered already. or maybe the broken mirrors are meant to parallel the supreme to poor emonette, whose misuse of her powers (under the supreme's threat of her life) have fractured her body and soul.

but unlike emonette, the supreme doesn't have the miraculous of creation. the supreme isn't the girl who can fix anything.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, YOU WANNA KNOW WHO I THINK IT IS? (you know who i think it is!!)

to begin with, we get this sneak peek of the supreme's suit. those colors are unmistakeably purple and gray (and green but idk why that's there).

who know who else would have a purple suit?

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE HAS AN X SHAPE?

YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AT THE END OF RE-CREATION?

YOU KNOW WHO CAN GRANT UNIVERSE-HOPPING POWERS??????

the person with the butterfly miraculous, that's who.

maybe there's a reason the supreme wants the butterfly back so badly. the toxigriffe universe is a universe where the supreme doesn't have a complete miracle box after all. at least, it was when we left off.

but maybe s6 will change that.

[lainiespicewrites]

Someone to take her home

Hey guys so I wrote this a while ago! This is a Henry one shot it an OFC because I'll die on the self insert hill! LOL it gives me so much comfort. Is that weird IDK. Anyway this story is kind of heavy. I wrote this to get out some feelings about an SA that I had experienced. I've always been someone that if I'm stressed I rewrite the situation with a comforting outcome or a better outcome to release the stress or make myself feel better. I wanted to sort of write myself a way to get some comfort from the trauma. And I hope having a character like this sweet soft version of Henry may help some of you too. I never reached out for myself for help and maybe I should have but if you experienced something please talk to someone. If you need someone to talk to or just want a place to let it out my DM's are a safe space <3 Just as disclaimer this doesn't mention any of the actual situation that happened to me. Just a filler to get out the emotion. Still this is a fluff with lots of love and sweet gentle young Henry bc I just know in my soul this was and is how he is as a person!

Warnings: Light Cursing, Trauma, Mentions of sexual assault. (Please reach out for help even if it's just talking to someone about your situation. My DM's are open if y'all wanna talk after this <3)

Description: OFC goes to college party and meets Henry and they become fast friends. and he helps her when things turn bad with a guy he warned her about.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stared at myself in the mirror one more time. I needed to leave soon. If I looked any longer I would find something I hated and talk myself out of going. So I grabbed my bag and turned off my bedroom light. Nervous didn’t begin to describe how I was feeling. I’d never been to a party like this before. Sure I’d been out a few times in high school. But it was usually theater cast parties. And one time my friend and I stole some captain morgan from her parents liquor cabinet. But this was on an entirely different scale. 

Most of my drinking was a night in with the girls with wine or movie night drinking games. God I sound so boring. It’s not that I don’t enjoy partying. I was genuinely excited to be invited out tonight. Lilly and I had worked together for a few assignments in class. And we would say hi when we ran into each other in the dorms. But, I never expected to get a text this afternoon inviting me to her boyfriend's party. Purdue was an incredibly large campus. Upwards of 40,000 plus students. Yet somehow Lilly’s boyfriend Riley Hardesty seemed to know everyone. He was known for throwing huge parties all year. They weren’t exclusive. You could just be driving through the neighborhood and stop in.  But she told me a friend of  Riley’s had asked her about me. 

Matt Parker. I know of him. He’s in my English 204 lecture. But we’ve never talked. But he is really attractive. So maybe something good would come from all of this! I decided just to walk as my dorm wasn’t far from the house Riley and his roommates lived in. It was a cool night in mid october and I was definitely regretting the little black denim skirt I was wearing. I was smart enough to wear a cardigan but it was still cold. Thank God it's only 2 blocks down. I bit my lip nervously. Am I even going to know anyone here? Anyone I actually talk to? It’s too late now. I already got dressed and ready. I walked here. I have to go through with this. 

I took a deep breath and walked inside. Things were already full swing. I could hear the music outside before I even opened the door. No one seemed to notice me and honestly I was okay with that. I looked around scanning the room. Almost everyone had a drink in hand, standing around in groups talking. The smell of  pot hit me immediately as I started to walk through the house. I wasn’t  the least bit surprised. I made my way to the kitchen where I found multiple drinks, alcohol and mixers available. I kept it simple and grabbed a wine cooler. Something fruity. I was definitely going to need a buzz if I was going to be here longer than 5 minutes.

 I pushed my way out of the kitchen and found a quiet corner to drink and observe for a while. I was busy listening to some guys talk about last weekend's football game when I heard someone’s voice. And I realized they were talking to me. I shifted my eyes seeing a guy standing next to me. He was maybe 6’1, blue eyes, and brown hair with soft curls. I gave him a gentle smile,

“I’m sorry, what was that?” I asked. He smiled and chuckled softly. His smile was beautiful. 

“I uh, Just noticed your shirt. Are you a Def Leppard fan?” He asked. I looked down. I completely forgot that was the shirt I was wearing. I just thought a band t-shirt would look cute with the skirt. But

“Yeah! Well I know a few of their songs! My Mom was in her 20’s in the 80’s and she loved them!” I said. 

“She has good taste! They’re awesome! Are you here by yourself? Not trying to be creepy I just noticed you were by yourself over here and I wanted to make sure you were alright,” He rambled. I nodded.

“I look that out of place huh? Yeah, I um. I’m friends with Riley’s girlfriend. Well not friends necessarily. But I know her. Anyway she invited me because of some friend of Riley’s but I don’t know this isn’t normally my scene. Wow that was a lot,” I blushed. “Sorry,” I mumbled. 

“For?” He smiled, raising an eyebrow. “We’re talking. I like getting to know people! And I totally get it. This can kind of be a lot sometimes. I actually came with some friends but I needed to step away from all the crazy for a second. I’m Henry by the way.” He smiled, extending his hand. I took it and He squeezed mine softly. 

“Alayna!” I said. 

“It’s nice to meet you!” He smiled. “Which one of Riley’s friends? If you don't mind me asking,” He raised an eyebrow. 

“Matt Parker,” I said bluntly. “You know him,” Henry took a sip of his beer and nodded. 

“I do, He’s alright. We’re sort of friends I suppose. He may have good intentions. Listen, I know you don’t need my advice, but just be careful around him. I don’t know what you were expecting with him or hoping for. But he can be a little, well, if I had a daughter I wouldn’t trust him with her. But I could be wrong. I’m sorry, that was a bit much. I don't want to ruin your evening,” He said. 

“For?” I smirked copying his face from earlier. “You seem to have pure intentions. Just looking out for someone. That’s really kind of you actually. I honestly don't know what I was expecting. But I can handle myself. I didn’t really come out tonight for him. I wanted to actually let loose and have fun for once. I’ve been trying to have more adventures, meet new people, make new friends.” I smiled looking him in the eyes on that last part. He gave me a big smile and held out his beer bottle to cheers me. 

“To new friends,” He spoke and we clinked our bottles together. “I like you, I mean talking to you.” He said. 

“I like talking to you too! I was honestly super anxious about coming tonight. I was worried I’d be too anxious and awkward to have fun or it would be too much. Because this is a lot. I’m 100% sure I saw someone do coke off the kitchen counter. But I’m actually enjoying myself. Right now anyway.” I laughed. Henry chuckled. 

“Good! Well, I’m going to go find my friends but, what's your number? I’ll send you a text real quick and if you get overwhelmed or uncomfortable  or need to escape all of this for a bit come find me! Or text me. I’d be happy to be there for you.  And we can just chill out for a while.” I smiled and gave him my phone number. It was nice to meet someone as kind as Henry. You don’t meet a lot of people that… genuine and gentlemanly in places like this. He gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze before he walked off to find his friends. I wandered off to get another drink while I was standing in the kitchen waiting to grab another wine cooler. I felt someone lay their arm across my shoulder. 

“Hey gorgeous,” I recognized Matt’s voice. I gave him a soft smile. 

“Hi,” I spoke. 

“I’m glad you came tonight, You having a good time,” He asked, clearly buzzed. 

“Yeah,” I said tentatively “One hell of a party!” I laughed. 

“For sure!” He smiled and moved to the side of me taking his arm off my shoulder. “What are you drinking babe?” He asked. 

“Just Mike's lemonade.” I chuckled awkwardly. 

“Aw come on girl you can do something stronger than that huh?” He joked. I shook my head.

“I probably could but I’d rather not get sick.” I said. 

“Aw well come on at least do a shot with me?” He asked, giving me a puppy dog face and pouting. “Just tequila, we got training wheels!” He added. 

“I don’t know… I don’t wanna get too crazy,” I said. 

“Nah, it’ll be alright, it’ll just loosen you up a bit!” He spoke already pouring the shots. He slid one over to me. And a piece of lime. “Ready?” I picked up the shot and stared at it questioningly. 

“Alright,” He smiled. We clicked the glasses and hit them against the table before taking the shot. It was super bitter. I immediately followed it with the lime. But it didn’t help much. When I looked up again Matt had gotten me another Mike’s from the cooler.

“Atta girl!” He smirked. He took a step closer and I took the drink from him. Then I heard someone call his name from across the house. They were starting another game of beer pong. “That’s my que babe, but wait for me yeah? I’ll come back to you after this game!” He smirked and left a wet kiss on my cheek before running off to join the boys. 

Charming is certainly not a word I would use to describe him. But he’s nice. And he’s just trying to make sure I have fun. There’s no harm in that. I wandered around the party again. I opened up my new bottle and tossed the cap on a nearby coffee table. I thought about watching the beer pong game but I honestly wasn’t interested. I found the door leading to the backyard and saw there was a bonfire going. I stepped outside and found an empty seat by the fire. I watched it crackle for a bit and took a long sip of my drink. I felt a warmth inside me and knew it was coming from the alcohol. I started to relax as I listened to the fire and the white noise of the people chatting around me. It was a gorgeous night.

“Hey!” I heard a voice from behind me. “Funny meeting you out here!” Henry spoke, pulling up a chair next to me.

“Hey!” I said excitedly. “It’s calm out here. I like it!” I said. Henry smiled. 

“I do too, I love a good fire. Fuels the soul.” He half joked. 

“ I love the smell! Is that weird?” I laughed. 

“No,” He chuckled softly “Not at all! So, besides the band on that very cool shirt, What other music do you like?” Henry asked, leaning back in his chair and taking a long swig of his beer. 

“Oh all kinds. I’m a big lover of the stuff from the 70s though! Elton John, Heart, the Beatles, I guess they’re technically 60’s. I know it’s kind of old school but. I feel like they just don’t make music like that anymore.” I explained. 

“Classic! I like it,” He smiled. 

“What about you?” I asked. 

“Oh I’m all over the place too. I’m actually a big country fan!” He smirked. 

“I wouldn’t have expected that from you but I respect it. It’s not my favorite genre but there are definitely some good ones there!” I smiled. Henry and I chatted for a while. We talked about our majors. He's a history major. Where we’re from, he has an accent but I didn’t want to ask and be weird about it. He told me he’s from the UK. We talked about books, history and our friends. It was nice. A little while later I felt an arm around my shoulder again. I knew it was Matt. 

“There she is! Did you think I forgot about you babe?” He asked. 

“No,” I smiled blushing softly. He smiled. 

“Hey Henry! Are you having a good time, man?” He asked. Henry nodded and finished his beer. 

“Yeah! Actually I should go get another one. It was nice talking to you Alayna!” He smiled at me before he got up and left. I don’t know why but I could tell Henry wasn’t the biggest fan of Matt. He said they were friends earlier but I think he was just trying to be nice

I was shaken from the thought when I heard Matt’s voice again. 

“Hey, follow me!” He said enthusiastically. 

“Okay,” I smiled. I got up and followed him back inside. He led us upstairs and down the hall to what I assume was his room. 

“Too many people out there, I wanted to be alone with you,” He smiled. 

“That’s really sweet! It is pretty crowded.” I said. 

“Yeah,” He said blankly. “Are you enjoying the party?” He asked. 

“I am,” I said half telling the truth. I enjoyed talking to Henry. 

“God you’re so gorgeous,” He said. “I always want to talk to you in class but you always leave so quickly I never get the chance.” He said. 

“Thank you,” I blushed. 

“Can I kiss you?” He asked. I don’t know if I wanted it or if it was the alcohol but I nodded. He smirked and leaned in kissing me on the lips. It was gentle at first but then he quickly started using tongue. I felt kind of awkward. So I backed away. “Oh sorry, you okay?” he asked. 

“Yeah,” I lied. He just nodded and went back to kissing me. I kissed him back a bit but then I felt him start to feel me up. I froze. I really didn’t want that. He moved his hand under my shirt and I stopped him. 

“Uh Matt, I really don’t know about this.” I said nervously. He pulled back 

“It’s fine, nobody's gonna come in, don't worry about it.” He said and started kissing my neck. Oh god this sucks. 

“No I mean. I don’t… want to do this.” I stuttered. 

“Come on, it’ll be fun babe, it’ll be alright.” He kept feeling me up and continued kissing me. I felt stuck. He pushed himself against me, grinding into me. He moaned. I swallowed hard. Fuck, I really didn’t want this. 

“No, Matt, I really don’t want to.” I said again. 

“Shhh just go with it.” he said, shushing me. “You’ll enjoy it, I promise.” He said, sliding his hand under my skirt and rubbing his fingers against me. 

“No, stop Matt,” I said again, my voice quivering. He was definitely stronger than me. He used his other hand to take himself out of his shorts and he grabbed my hand putting it on him while he kept touching me, forcing his fingers inside. It hurt. I don’t know how but finally I found the strength to push him away from me. He stumbled back and fell against the bed and I ran out of the room. I could feel the tears stinging in my eyes already but I had to get out of this house. I quickly ran down the stairs and out the front door. Matt was pretty drunk so I don’t even think he tried to follow me. I walked a little way down the street and stopped letting out a sob. What the hell just happened. How did I let that happen? How could I have been stupid enough to trust him or follow him? I didn’t know what to do. I probably should have headed back to the dorm but I didn’t want to be alone right now. I took to my phone trying to think of who to talk to. 

I saw I had a text. It was Henry. “Hey it’s me! Henry I mean lol feel free to text me anytime.” I sent him a quick text taking a deep breath and trying to pull myself together. I didn’t want him to see me like this. I was so stupid. He tried to warn me. 

“Hey, it’s Alayna, where are you?” I sent it. To my surprise he responded almost immediately. 

“By the fire, You okay?” it read. 

“Would you wanna go on a walk with me?” I asked. There’s no way I could go back there. 

“Sure :) where are you?” 

“On the front sidewalk like 3 houses down toward campus.” 

“Be right there!” true to his word about 2 minutes later I saw him walking down the sidewalk toward me. 

“How are you?” He asked. 

“Good,” I nodded absentmindedly. 

“Were you leaving?” He asked.

I um,” I stuttered “Yeah, it was just… too much. I was gonna head home. I feel stupid I was just gonna walk home. I'll be fine, I’ll let you have fun. I don’t wanna interrupt your night.” I rambled. 

“No! Please do! I’d be happy to walk you home. Talking with you was the most fun I had tonight actually.” He stated simply. I smiled weakly.

“I’m glad.” I said. 

“Are you alright?” He asked me. I sighed trying not to get emotional. 

“Yeah, just a little overwhelmed and tired.” I lied. We walked in silence for a bit. I couldn’t believe how kind he was. The fact that he would leave his friends to walk me home. He was genuinely concerned about me. That feeling made me even more overwhelmed and finally after everything I could help but start crying. I felt like I had no control over my body as I started to sob. I felt my shoulders start to shake. Henry stopped and put his hands on my shoulders.

“Alayna what's wrong?” He asked me. I tried so hard to speak.

“He wouldn’t.. And I said… no, but he kept…” it all came out in broken sobs. Henry didn’t say anything. He just pulled me into him and hugged me tightly. After a few seconds. I started to calm down and tried to steady my breathing. 

“Shh it’s alright,  just breathe.” I heard him say. I slowed my breathing. “Did he touch you?” He asked gently, trying not to upset me again. I couldn’t speak, I just nodded. Henry went stiff. I looked up and saw his jaw was clenched. “Mother fucker,” He mumbled quietly under his breath. Then he spoke louder “Do you want to go talk to someone? Like report it?” He asked. Again his voice was gentle. I shook my head. 

“I can’t, I know I should but I really can’t, not now.” I said. He nodded. 

“Okay, well let's get you home.” He said. I started to walk again. Henry kept an arm around me as we walked. We were quiet the whole way there. He walked me all the way to the door. Wanting to make sure I got in okay.

“Thank you,” I said. But just as he turned to leave I grabbed his hand. “Wait, please don’t go.” I said, trying not to sound desperate. Not that I had the energy to care. 

“You want me to stay?” he asked. I nodded. 

“Yeah, no, I .. I don’t .. You don’t have to, I’ll be okay.” I said. 

“Hey,” He paused, grabbing my hand. “It’s okay, I don’t mind.” So I took off my shoes and slipped into the bathroom to change into some shorts. I laid in my bed and Henry sat next to me. “Do you want to watch something?” He asked. I nodded. And turned on my TV scrolling aimlessly. I stopped on some old 90’s sitcom. 

“Thank you, for staying,” I said. 

“You shouldn’t be alone right now. And I meant what I said. I had more fun talking to you tonight than with anyone else.” He smiled sympathetically. 

“I did too,” I said.  I sat up going to kiss him but he stopped me.

“Not tonight, darling. Believe me I would love to kiss you. But I think you’ll regret it later if you do this now. I like you. I’m not going anywhere. Let's take this slow. You’ve been through a lot tonight. I’ll still be here when you’re ready. But I think tonight you need to rest.” he said. The universe gave me Henry tonight. If I hadn’t ran into him. I’d have been alone after being sexually assaulted by a guy I barely know. Any other guy wouldn’t have treated me like him. He was so gentle and respectful. He was genuinely looking out for my best interest when he could’ve taken advantage of my vulnerability. I just nodded.

“I’m sorry that was stupid.” I sighed. 

“No, it wasn’t” he put his arm around me pulling me into his side and I naturally rested my head on his chest. “You don’t need to apologize. Try to get some rest.” He spoke gently. I could hear his heartbeat and my breath slowed to match the rhythm. Eventually so did he. I looked up to find him asleep with his arm still around me. I settled in snuggling into his side. All the noise around me slowly faded away and I finally got to rest, falling asleep in Henry’s arms.

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That’s it you guys please let me know what you think. I love you all so much! You’ve shown my writing so much love 🥰

[pattytacuri]

10/1/22

Sometimes its hard to be here and by here, I mean this place of calm and peace. It gets boring and I want excitement. It comes with the BPD diagnosis I guess or maybe it's just my nature. I don't know what can top a trip to my homeland tbh. It's been a goal of mine to go back since I graduated from college and now that I've achieved it, it's time to move on to other goals. I still have many to continue pursuing. But it goes without saying, sometimes this road to self-improvement gets lonely 🙁 🥺 . And I know I said , "I'm going on a year long sabbatical from men and sex" and I haven't met anyone in person but if someone hits me up in my DMs, if they're interesting enough I'll talk to them for a bit. 2 dudes hits me up on my DMs the past 2 weeks and both of them I've blocked already. 🤣🤣🤣 IDK, I was telling my friend, "I think my standards are just to high with how I want to be treated because the minute I feel disrespected, disregarded or boundaries crossed, I tell them , "wish you the best" and block them. 🤣🤣 my friend tells me, "or they're just trash". Idk 🤷‍♀️ and I don't have the energy to find out. Maybe I'll just stick to concentrating solely on my goals and kids. October will be my fifth month of abstinence and it gets easier every month I guess. It's a really strange feeling for someone like me to go this long without any "Joe" in her life. It's kind of like how driving felt so strange and different and now it's part of my routine. I do have something in the works that will give me anxiety and an adrenaline rush for next year: starting the paperwork and filing for divorce on my own. My goal is that right after my birthday , my divorce will be final and I won't be legally tied to my starter husband. He's still a part of my family and I'll probably still live with him for a bit but that whole husband/ wife business will finally be put to rest and it will be another chapter closed. Maybe with that chapter closed, I'll authentically feel like a single and solitary woman and really embrace that identity. 🤔 Maybe once the divorced papers are finalized, I'll finally be able to leave behind one of the most painful chapters in my life.

[hiveswap]

hey, @/irate-badfem-harpy is marked red in shingami eyes

Thanks for alerting me! Idk when, Apperently i've already blocked the bitch, and the only reblog i had that included her was from october of 2019.

[ihaveissueslol]

SOS. PSA. NEED A TALENTED DESTIEL FAN. I'LL BAKE U CUPCAKES AND/OR VENMO MONEY.

Okay so for YEARS I have wanted a music video thingu of Castiel and Dean, like clips from the show into a montage thingy ?? idk what it's called but I know y'all understand what I mean. ANYWAY I've always wanted this video to be to the song Angels In Everything by Blue October. It is PERFECT.

The song is about being run down and lost and giving up but this angel makes him believe again and gives him something to fight for and they support and love each other and just omfgggg. Please listen to the lyrics it's so fitting.

like there's a line that goes "...Until an Angel walked in through my door. Time stopped, the arch of her back grew wings." like ????? Cas entered the show by literally walking thru a barn door and showing off his wings for Dean.

THE PROBLEM is that I'm about as talented as a block of cheese when it comes to making these kinds of videos. I don't know how to find clips or do transitions or put effects on or make it flow or even how to begin. But PLEASE I am begging someone to make this!!! I'm dead serious y'all can consider it a commission I will pay money, I bake cupcakes as a side gig I'll send u ur fav flavor, just please my lil heart needs this video to this music 🥺

especially now that destiel is cannon aqlakdhkshfkala

[bitch-spectrum]

Honestly this fandom is so small that basically everyone knows each other or has at least seen someone's posts and I really want to post this art project I've spent HOURS on but I'm honestly terrified of being shunned from the fandom even though my fan art is literal scenes redrawn from canon. Just with my own twist and just like, there's a bunch of subtle nods to my LGBT+ headcanons that I'm worried someone might pick up on and be like "wtf! He's dating his GIRLFRIEND!!"

And then I'd be all "I headcanon them as QUEER PLATONIC bc it never SPECIFIES their relationship and they're NEVER SEEN doing anything ROMANTIC!"

And then I get blocked and shat on and that literally never happened to me before but I've been having a steady level of anxiety since -checks watch- October.

And just like...

Let me have these headcanons.. please. Like I hc the mc as bisexual/polysexual. He can still wanna bang is whorish girlfriend who the creator of the series even confirmed that their relationship wasn't that deep thus giving my mlm ships more fuel but no like, y'know, stay straight kids -tiktok boy laugh-

Other fears I may face:

Why did u draw the mc so short??

-probably bc he was malnourished since like the the 4th grade idk

Why did u draw the love interest so thicc?

-idk probably bc she's thicc in Canon

Ew! U headcanon him w ptsd and dysthymia? Why??

-idfk probably bc he watched the life he worked so hard for taken away within an instant and probably has survivors guilt from being one of the few survivors out of an entire school.

U draw her chubby?? Wtf?!

-bless this woman's soul but her lazy ass ain't getting skinnier

She looks like a lesbian. Why did u draw her like that!?

-are u actually asking why the canonically tall, stalky, purple haired badass bitch isn't dating a man?

She can't be asexual! Don't hc that! She canonically shows off a lot of skin!

-oh in sorry, I didn't know that showing flesh was illegal for asexuals.

Why on Earth would you hc him as gay!?!?!??

-what part about him isn't screaming "bear" at you!?

Non-binary!? Why would u have THAT idea!?

-probably bc he canonically doesn't have genitals bc HES AN ALIEN!

Fuck dude, I want my headcanons to be hinted at in my art but my brain is mean and has been giving me anxiety juice lately and now in gonna have to wait for this post to pass before I post my art anyway... Sorry for the vent.

[allsystemsarenotgo]

Emotions, Emotions, Oh how they suck....

I promised (though not directly) my friend that if I was ever worried, I’d contact the campus police, her roommate, or check on her myself. 

I executed this promise. 

My friend was taken very aside by it. But at least I know she is okay.

And now I’ve gotten myself into a mess. I had a dedicated hour session with my counselor tonight, and all that did was make me feel like shit.

I'm going to pour a bucket out... Idk how this is going to spill.

I hated having to go to her dorm Thursday night. But she hadn't sent me a message since Saturday nor read any since Monday. I had made a promise with her that if she ever made me concerned, that I would show up and check on her myself. I've had three (technically 3.5?) Police welfare checks sent on me, I know how painful they are, and don't want to put her through that. I kept that promise. I understand the making her feel uncomfortable. It's still way more comfortable than an official check.

I'd love to know how her boyfriend's mom got involved. I'm glad she didn't block me at their request, but really? Not even offering a chance to explain? Just cold-ghosting a really close family friend because that's what your boyfriend and his mom want?

She hid me from her boyfriend for so long. I told her a long time ago that he needed to know I existed so that our powers could be balanced and he not see me as a threat. Instead, way down the road, it's "Hey, I've been talking to a guy for the least few months almost daily, and he came over to my dorm to help me study and have me a massage and we went out to dinner". Well, of course he is going to hate me!

I can understand some of the conflict in her mind. When I came to see her on Dec4, she realized that the love she craves and was having withdrawls from, is available from more than just her boyfriend. She didn't cognitively acknowledge that realization, she was being loved on and liked it.

It wasn't intimacy or physical love. It was feeling another person's touch, spending time with them, laughing with them, having intellectual conversations with them.

And I can see how that would split her heart between two love sources. Even when one wasn't intended to convey that level of love.

I scrolled back through her and I's chat long back to October 1 yesterday. Seeing some of the things she said about how much she cares(s/d) about me, how I made her happy, how important we were/are to eachother, how I may be the only voice of reason that has allowed her to still be alive after her emotional fallout and suicidal kick in September. Part of me thinks that maybe she was growing feeling roots but wasn't aware of it.

And maybe, now those roots are starting to sprout above the surface and that is what has caused her this discomfort, especially after my visit Dec4.

I invited her to {married friends}'s groupnight on Dec11. I knew she was conflicted because she's not a very social person (like me) but also wanted to be around a bunch of smart people. But she did attend. But she spent the first hour standing in a corner reclused, having to pacify her boyfriend who didn't understand why she was at a stranger's house, much less older people. He said it was stupid and pointless for her to be there just to meet people/socialize/relax. She enjoyed being herself once a stage-hook pulled her out of that corner.

She felt more distant after that night, though we did still talk. She spent 2.5 weeks at her grandma's ranch with no cell service, so she didn't get to talk to either her boyfriend or myself for most of that period - sometimes she could get signal to send a one-liner every now and then.

When she came back to her parents' house, I was invited over for dinner Jan15. She seemed excited and happy to see me, and even took me to feed her horses with her just for the time together. Then we had dinner and played card games. But then she was on her phone again, having to pacify her boyfriend, who didn't understand why I was at their house, engaging with her and her parents, and calling me alot of nouns and adjectives.

After her parents went to bed, they allowed her and I to stay up as late as we wanted. We did talk for a little while. But she ended up shooing me out of the house at her boyfriend's request so that he could call her. Later, she said it felt wierd that I was being given an open curfew when they make her and her boyfriend obey a specific curfew.

She didn't know how to process this "unfair treatment" that comes with the territory of being a friend and trustworthy.

I'm not saying that I have been perfect through all of this. I may not know the pain, but I at least have a general idea of how I think her heart is feeling.

After I left her dorm at her request (she didn't want to see me in person, politely told me she is stable and for me to leave, so I did), she did chat to me a little more. That she just needs time to comprehend her heart, to figure out how to balance me and her boyfriend co-existing, to evaluate herself. That she still cares about me but doesn't know how to process it.

She ended Thursday night with "I don't want to lose this friendship, but I can't lose Brayden either...I just need to figure this out..."

I felt and slept better, knowing that she was at least stable and cognitive.

Then she sent this to me Friday at 10:30, after her counseling appointment.