#I've given up the ghost of ever thinking I'll be able to be honest about writing short fics before breakfast lol

[randomingoftherandomness]

Helloooo I'm so happy that you're writing for my journey to you! Your writing is amazing and I am excited to read your stories 💕

I was wondering if I could have some more yuanzhi whump and a worried gege?

Hellooooo Nonnie! I’m glad you’re enjoying the fics thus far! And of course you can have more Yuanzhi whump haha… I hope I’m doing it justice. Thanks for the ask!

—

With an anchoring hand to the wall, Yuanzhi propels himself forward with a soft groan. Breath hitching when the motion pulls at the wound at his side. He feels shaky. Tenuous, like the slightest breeze would undo him completely.

Yuanzhi is bleeding out and he knows it.

Deliriously, he looks around him. Noting with a small frisson of panic that he’s about two rock sculptures too close to the West side of Jue residence, he slips a little trying to shuffle himself towards a different direction.

An almost incredulous laugh claws itself out of his throat raw. Even when he knows he isn’t welcomed here, he can’t help but instinctively seek his Gege out.

Pain burns through whatever senses Yuanzhi isn’t putting to making sure he isn’t actually spilling blood all over the ground. He needs to take a breath, keep himself calm. First order of business needs to be seeking out Elder Yue and hope he is in enough of a benevolent mood that he would actually help him without telling anybody.

Yuanzhi reckons he just needs a couple of days to rest and he’ll be right as rain. A couple of days to just check out of consciousness—

“What are you doing?”

Ah, fuck.

Through the haze in his vision, Yuanzhi picks out Gege’s silhouette coming closer. He takes a stumbling half step back to stay in the shadow. Gege stops.

Shit, Yuanzhi can’t let him get close.

“Good evening Ge, fancy meeting you here,” He manages. Throat clicking, he takes another dizzying step back. “I must… I must have taken a wrong turn. I’ll go now.”

Yuanzhi allows himself one quick look at his Gege. Dressed in his casual clothes, it looked like he’d just come from his study and Yuanzhi wonders if it’s the blood loss talking or if Gege is actually frowning at him with concern.

“Where have you been the whole day?”

Panic and adrenaline burns bright through the haze.

“Oh,” Yuanzhi slurs. “You know. A bit of trouble.”

Yuanzhi stumbles. Hand shooting out to stop his fall but in doing so, aggravates the wound enough that it has him whimpering and sucking in a rush of air.

The pain blacks him out for a moment because the next thing he knows, Shangjue gege is the only thing holding him up. “You’re hurt.” A note of danger sings loud in the syllables. “What happened?”

“You should see the other guy.” Yuanzhi chuckles weakly. “I had it handled.”

Shangjue gege’s frown lines deepen.

A wave of breathlessness rushes over him. Blinking, Yuanzhi leans into Shangjue’s arms. The world spins. It’s getting hard to focus. “Ge, I…”

“What happened,” Shangjue demands, voice low and a dark burn of danger.

At this point, Yuanzhi thinks the situation speaks for itself. Exhaling slowly, Yuanzhi fills his lungs with the comforting pine and ash scent of home on Gege.

As the darkness takes him, he thinks he manages to say, “I got stabbed.”

He cuts through the surface of consciousness in time to hear people shouting.

“—him better!”

Gege is shouting. Why is he shouting?

Dumbly, he lifts a hand up to grip at his sleeve. “Ge.”

Careful hands caress his cheeks. This feels nice, his mind coos. “Gege…”

“I’m here, I’m here. I'm not going anywhere” Soft kisses pepper over his brow and Yuanzhi sinks back into blissful oblivion with a vague sense that he's missing something here.

He wakes again to the sight of weak morning light illuminating the room. It's not his own room in the Zhi residence that he sleeps in only when Shangjue gege is away in the martial world. It's not even the room gege set aside for him in the Jue residence that he'd stopped sleeping in by the time he turned 16, nor is it gege's room that is also unofficially his.

Yuanzhi takes a deep breath.

There's a foggy veil that keeps him from being anchored. His thoughts slip through his fingers like eels; breaking apart the second he comes close enough to even examine what they could be.

"You're awake."

Gege's face swims into the periphery of his vision and he turns his head to meet him head on. "Ge, I--"

"Don't speak. Here." Shangjue gently lifts a bowl and begins to spoon-feed him some tonic. "Better?"

Yuanzhi nods, reaching over to grip his sleeve. "How long was I out?"

"About a day and a half. We found the corpses of the men who jumped you, by the way."

At this, Yuanzhi gives in to his childish instinct to scoff. "I didn't make it hard for you to."

Silence falls like the soft patters of the first snow. Shangjue takes Yuanzhi's hand and holds it in his own. "I smelled you. In the night air. I could smell that you'd been injured but I couldn't... When you backed away from me, I couldn't understand why you wouldn't trust me to help."

Shangjue swallows visibly.

"And when I saw all that blood... All I could think about was how our last proper conversation was an argument."

Yuanzhi closes his eyes and brings their hands to press against his cheek. It'd been a stupid argument, one of their very rare ones. Yuanzhi had accidentally worn one of Gege's hair ornaments to a meeting with the Elders and they had noticed. Gege had told him that they should start separating their belongings so that this wouldn't happen again.

He had gotten mad, stormed off, and then gotten stabbed.

"I am sorry," Yuanzhi offers. "I know you're right. I don't want to fight you on this anymore. I'll follow whatever arrangements you have."

Shangjue shakes his head, cupping his other cheek. "You don't understand. Didi, when I saw you wearing my hair ornaments all I could think of was how I want you to share everything I have. Not just the meals in my residence, not just my hair ornaments, not just my clothes. All I could think of was how I wanted you to take a share in the rest of my life, in every way, shape and form, and that scared me."

Yuanzhi gapes at this. Squeezing his hand tightly, he nods. Finally dawning on him the implications of that. There would be no space for anyone else in their lives. Every other lover would feel hollow and Gege would always be torn between what he needs to do for the family and what his heart wants.

"And so you pushed me away?"

"I shouldn't have."

"But you did."

"I thought I was doing the right thing."

"You did," Yuanzhi echoes. "So, you cannot do that again. Lest I get stabbed again."

Shangjue coughs, choking as Yuanzhi chuckles, clutching at his wounded side when Gege levels him with a weak glare. "Don't joke about that, Didi. You don't know what it was like to see you like that..."

Yuanzhi quickly sobers up, smiling. Pressing their hands to his cheek, he tilts his head, brushing a kiss over Shangjue's knuckles.

[madroxed]

Fic Writer Interview

i was tagged (ages ago, oops) by the wonderful @lafaerie to do this 💖

i'll tag @jamesandanthony, @lavellenchanted, @shanastoryteller, @coyotesuspect, @doreyg & @floating-in-the-blue but zero pressure.

How many works do you have on ao3?

96 on my main and 22 on my secondary, but i've orphaned at least another, idk, 60? over the years, and there's some fics lost to the chasm of time that is livejournal and prior out there to never be found again.

What’s your total word count?

351,946

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

then you'll wake up, your left hand man, pocketful of sunshine, only by chance, when there's no ground. all are shadowhunters/mortal instruments fic, which is a surprise to exactly no one.

Do you respond to comments? Why/why not?

i do initially, and then i am terrible for not replying after a certain time which is something i'm working on. it's entirely an anxiety thing, and very silly, but if i don't answer right away i feel like it's too late? idk, i'm trying to be better at it.

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

i'm not known for my angst, let's be honest, so i'm going to put end of eras (haunting of hill house, luke & nell) here because it's hohh, angst is a given, and also mayyyyybe still my heart this moment and tell me you'll remember (both glee, sam/blaine) which also deal with character death but, like? in a not totally sad way? one's ghosts and one's immortality/reincarnation soooo. i think they count.

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

as a happy ending truther, this could apply to practically all of them, but let's go with be in my book (bridgerton, penelope/benedict) which is about as fluffy a fic as they come.

Do you write crossovers?

i used to, back in the wild old days of comment ficathons and crossover comms on lj, but i haven't in years. definitely would, just would have to really think it through now.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

once that i can think of, which was very silly and obviously sent by someone who was deliberately reading fic they weren't going to enjoy.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

i have been known to, on very rare occasions. my most recently posted fic is actually 911 buck/tommy smut (find peace in the noise) which i wrote almost entirely because of the group chat. it's not necessarily my go-to, but if the mood strikes.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

yes.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes, a couple.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

not in years, but i used to co-write a lot with a friend in the lj days. i'm not fantastic at co-writing, if only because i am useless with time management.

What's your all-time favourite ship?

i'm not sure i have an answer to this. i sort of just collect ultimate otps and store them and they pile up, so i don't have just one. some i come back to more often than others, but i've definitely been in too many fandoms to have any less than a dozen.

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

oh boy, yeah, any? all? i am notoriously bad about this. if i don't write a fic to completion and then post it, the chance of it getting finished are nil. i have one wip on my ao3 (build it better (the second time around), the order, knights poly) that i started before the second season had aired, and every part of me wants to finish it but...we'll see. maybe one day. the part written docs on my computer for dozens of other fics though? coin toss.

What are your writing strengths?

i think i'm pretty good at characterisation. i like how i write dialogue. i think i'm able to say a lot in few words. other than that, who knows. i have a blast with it most the time? that's definitely a strength.

What are your writing weaknesses?

actually sitting down and writing, let's be honest. but otherwise, long fic and plotting are definitely not things i'm great at. i'm trying to get better at extending my word count, but detailed plots still largely elude me.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

i try not to, as i am - alas - a lazy english speaker who never picked up another language remotely fluently. and no one trusts online translation tools.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

either buffy or hp, i can't remember exactly.

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

i am currently working on some jack/kent (check please) fics (finally - they are one of the dozen that fits into that otp question), which feels terrifying because i love them so much. i also have a couple of stranger things fics i'm thinking about.

i'm notorious for dropping one fic in a fandom and then nothing else ever again, so i'll write for pretty much anything.

What's your favourite fic you've written?

though the truth may vary (shadowhunters, simon/raphael). (i actually started an author's favourites series on ao3 a while back which felt huge, and i've only put four fics in it, oops.)

[puckish-rogue-archive-deux]

I've been thinking a lot as of late about Django's skill set, and the almost nightmarish reality of the type of violence and destruction he's capable of committing all on his very own. I'll probably make this into a more structured and proper HC post in the future. But for now, I just kinda want to ramble about this for a second because I don't think I've really had the opportunity to fully display just what kind of a one-man wrecking crew/army he is.

Talk to anyone who's a fan of SR and takes pride in their own version of The Boss, and they will tell you what sort of aspects they really lean into when depicting them in writing, art, or anything remotely creative. For me, aside from wanting to really explore the whole idea of a customizable character and that disconnect from most people, I really leaned into the more violent aspects that make up the character. And that's because when you stop and think about it, the sort of things that The Boss is able to accomplish throughout the original series—at least on their own—is really fucking astounding. And even more so terrifying.

You can make the argument that the original iteration of the Saints wouldn't have gotten to the point they did if The Boss hadn't come in and just carried the load, and got their hands as dirty as they did. Which isn't to say that everyone else wasn't pulling their weight. But it's clear to me that anything that was remotely significant was handed off to this random kid who got swept into the gang life. And when I apply that to my portrayal, Django starts to come across as almost relentless whenever there's work for him to do.

Said relentlessness can also be applied to how he handles the work he receives, or really, any sort of task at hand. He is goal-oriented. He is focused, despite what he may lead you to believe. A plan may fall apart and make it seem as if you need to go back and reconsider your approach. Not for Django. He will finish the task at hand by any means necessary. Even if wanton destruction is left in his wake. He is the human equivalent of the nastiest hurricane you could ever imagine. And he's got the body count and property damage to back that title up.

Let's talk about violence for a second. The guy loves it. Fighting in general gets his blood pumping, and his adrenaline spiking higher and higher. He is a sick freak that enjoys hurting his enemies and fighting tougher opponents just to better his own skills. Whenever he REALLY starts to get into a fight, I would equate it to a dog being let off a leash and getting zoomies. He's basically frenzied, and more than ready to put someone down if it comes to that.

And when I think about that kind of attitude, plus the way he can seemingly go through wave after wave of enemies, it really begins to paint a picture of what that may look like to an outside observer. Or hell, anyone for that matter, regardless of what side they're on. Like, it wouldn't surprise me if, as the years go on, people just made up ghost stories about the guy. Sure, he's prolific as hell. But you can't imagine what kinds of things he gets up to whenever there isn't a news camera on him. Plus, I would think that with everything he and the gang have accomplished, that anyone in the big leagues—whether it be in the criminal underworld, or from law enforcement—would take heavy consideration as to how to approach the guy given what he's able to do.

We're talking about someone here who has not only toppled several different gangs with varying degrees of influence and power, but gone up against cops, SWAT teams, the FBI, and even people who are as close to the honest-to-god military as possible.

I really don't have a proper way to end this because it was meant to be a long ramble in the first place. But man, I don't know. There's just a lot to consider about what Django's reputation would be throughout the world in his own canon. And this also goes for crossovers, AU's, all sorts of things. His penchant for violence is something that will be on full display no matter what the playing field may be when writing the guy. And I just hope people keep that in mind whenever we plot stuff out, or just have discussions in general.

[samsgayblog]

Lightbulbs

What I do to go out of my way to give a good impression. To be fair it all comes from desperation.

I’ve always had a bit of a love hate relationship with Grindr. I love the that it is probably the best way to find out who is gay near to where you live and saves an awful lot of potential missed signs and signals, or worse. I hate it because the only people who tend to message me are overweight men over the age of 60 years old looking for a piece of ass.

I have tried to meet guys on other platforms, and I've even tried online dating using sites like Plenty of Fish, but strangely the sites set up for actual dating tend to have more crazies on than Grindr. Gay social networking is such a strange one and still to this day I can’t get my head around it. I mean in what world is it more normal to send a dick or ass pic to a random stranger who doesn’t even have a profile picture and who you know nothing about, vs just simply opening with a question or even maybe just saying ‘Hi’?

I’m not offended that people send me super personal images of themselves, although I do wonder how many of them have considered what some random anonymous crazy person, they just sent a picture of their face and dick too could do with it that image.

What I dislike about Grindr in particular is that there is no real etiquette. I mean on the occasions where I have practically given up on life and downloaded the app I always set my profile to Looking for Mates and Dates, and yet I have been screamed at so many times and told to get off the app just because I'm not interested in hookups. Surely Grindr can’t just be used for sleazy cheap hookups. I also don’t get why it’s just expected that after telling a person my name, age and what I've been up to that day, it’s just expected that the next logical thing to do would be to send a dick pic or something.

Don’t get me wrong there has been one or two guys I have chatted to, and even met up with (not for sex) who have actually been able to sustain an actual human conversation. There have also been a number of people who have said they too are looking to date.

The art of dating is something of a mystery to me. It’s fucking hard. What I mean is that I've been on a fair few first dates with guys I've met from apps like grindr or dating sites like Plenty of Fish, but I never seem to make it past the first date. I believe they call it ghosting, when someone is talking to you for one minute and then stops all of a sudden and never speaks to you again.

You know the worst part about dating?

You don’t get feedback like at school or college lol. I mean I've been ghosted enough times after a first date to know it’s probably me lol. I don’t quite know what it is as I always try to talk honestly about me and my life and make an effort. Ok maybe I can be a little two honest sometimes. The closest thing to feedback I've had from a date was him saying ‘you know, you're probably the most interesting person i’ve ever met’ but then after saying that the guy never spoke to me again. I didn’t badger him or anything, I simply sent a message the next day saying, ‘it was nice meeting you and I think we should do it again’ and I don’t think that's too out there as a response and yet nothing. I mean if you think i’m interesting then why wouldn’t you want to meet up at least one more time.

It’s probably because #interesting is a code word for strange and that the guy clearly thinks i’m messed up or something. The annoying thing is that I'll never know.

Early on when I forst started dating there was a website called GYC (Gay Youth Corner) and it was great. It really helped me come to terms with being gay, it had great forums where people gave advice and talked about their lives. I met my first BF on GYC actually lol.

In the early days of dating I can imagine I would have come on too strongly, after all I used to be the romantic type back then, dreaming that one day i'll come out of the closet and meet the man of my dreams, get married and NEVER HAVE CHILDREN (I grew up in a house with 13 kids, believe me it’s enough to put you off lol).

When I eventually did start being honest with myself and came out and then later actually officially came out to my friends, then I was so feeling like I needed to make up for lost time, after all I was 16 and I witnessed practically all my straight friends (meaning both my friends lol) have relationships in school.

As soon as I came out I decided ‘I so want a BF’ and well that's a story for another time, but the point that I think I was making was that years ago I didn’t really date, I kind of interviewed potential life partners lol. So sure maybe my direct personal questions put a few guys off but I also had a need to please and to feel wanted and that probably doesn’t make me appear very good. I mean the gays can smell the despiration can’t they lol.

As mentioned I also had a bit of a need to please on dates, which didn’t extend most of the time to putting out (although it’s been known to happen). Growing up not being popular and being officially nominated as the least popular and most unattractive boy in my school year group (thanks to Miss English), that kinda gave me a need to be liked by people, and my need to please has gotten me into all sorts stupid situations over the years.

Take this specific situation where I was talking to some on Grindr, we did the usual chit chat and then finally got around to talking about something actually interesting which was a project this guy was working on for a carnival float. The only problem was his supplier had let him down and he needed a few hundred special light bulbs (not the sort you can buy from a hardware store). What do I do but jump to the rescue and tell him I can get him some. I had an account at a wholesaler and placed and order and paid for them.

What possessed me to spend £150+ on lightbulbs for some random person i’ve never met? Probably because I needed to feel useful, wanted him to like me and have a compulsion to solve problems (that's by far one of the traits that's served me best throughout my working life at least.

I had the bulbs which I had gotten delivered and packed them in my works van and I arranged to meet him which did involve me driving about an hour to get to some strange village in the middle of nowhere lol. I finally met the guy and he told me, ‘ah yeah mate, it turns out I got the bulbs after all so I don’t need them.’ Was I pissed off? Yeah but of course I wanted to make a good impression so I smiled and said ‘oh that’s alright i’ll take them back then.’ I never could take those bloody bulbs back, they were a special custom job so I had to fork out the money myself and was lumbered with about 200 funny shaped bulbs in the garage for about a year. I did try to sell them on ebay but let's be fair only a couple sold at a time.

Moral of that story, I’m an idiot and need to stop jumping to random peoples rescue who I don’t know. Did I learn that lesson then? No chance because I've done similar things since. I feel a New Year's resolution coming on lol.

[samanthalightning]

She's Got A Date-EoWells X Allen!reader- Part V

*The GIF is not mine. All rights to the owner*

Part IV

Summary: While you face a relationship dilemma, you must help Barry stop The Mist from coming after your adoptive father. Based on 1x03

Warnings: None

***

You submerged your face in the water on your hands. The coolness temporarily eased the sting in your eyes. You turn off the faucets, you grab some tissues and dab them on your face to dry. You stared at yourself in the mirror; you were starting to look fine. The puffiness of your eyes ease, your eyes are still bloodshot red, but it was better.

It had been hours since that fight happened, and you have washed your face for the hundredth time today. Each time you think about it, you cry despite trying hard not to, and lucky you, it's all you can think about.

You reapplied your lipstick and mascara, and left the restroom. You walked down the hallway to come back to the cortex. You rounded a corner, but your feet quickly halted when a figure popped up to avoid collision.

It was him. You both froze, staring at each other. He could have swore, he saw a flicker of hurt and coldness in your eyes, before you lowered your head down when his stare became intense. This wasn't the first you crossed paths today. It's his building and you work here, though it didn't mean it got easier. It's always awkward and uneasy.

He didn't speak or move, so you figured you would be the one who needs to do it.

"Excuse me," you whispered, walking ahead passing by him.

"Y/N, wait." You stopped in your tracks and formed a fist. Although you didn't turn around. "We need to talk,"

"We already did. There's no need to further discuss it and make it worse." You didn't dare let him respond, and walked away rapidly away from him, not skipping a beat until you reached the cortex.

You quickly took a seat beside Cisco and buried your head on the computer, typing as you finished a report. Your thoughts ran, a sudden furious rage boiling in your veins. You couldn't believe how ironic it is that earlier he didn't want to talk about it, and now he does. It just infuriates you so hard, so hard and murder him with your bare hands.

"Woah, woah, you okay?" Cisco's voice pulled you out of your spiral.

You paused, fingertips ghosting the keyboard. You didn't even realize you were typing audibly, angrily. "Yeah. Just itching to get our meta," you said.

"Okay. Whatever you say," he replied, obviously suspicious and not an ounce convinced. None of them were if you're being honest. Especially Barry. He was very concerned, but it occurred to him that this might be regarding your mystery boyfriend, so he reluctantly kept his distance.

Wells came back. You can feel his eyes boring at you. You pretended to be oblivious, but it bothered you. Deeply.

Abruptly, a ping coming from the computer echoed in the room. It was the analysis on the toxin. Cisco was quick to call Barry and Caitlin, who God knows where to come to the cortex immediately.

They arrived moments later.

"Yo, check this out."

You all huddled up in front of the TV, waiting for someone to explain the result.

"We have identified the toxin," Wells said, clicking the screen of his tablet. The analysis results popped up on the screen.

"Hydrogen Cyanide?" Barry's brows furrowed.

"Well, what's interesting is what mixed in with the cyanide— a sedative," he added.

Your head cocked to the side, confused more than ever. You're no Caitlin, but that sounded odd. Never in your life have you heard those chemical compounds being mixed before— hell, even in being in the same sentence.

You turned to Barry to ask. His demeanor changed from being in serious thought to his eyes lighting up in recognition. A hand flew to his forehead, turning to Caitlin.

"The night of the explosion— find out if anyone was executed," he ordered.

Caitlin nodded and headed to the nearest computer.

"Why?" Wells asked, beating you to it.

"That sedative was given to criminals on death row before they go into the gas chamber, and breathe in cyanide," he explained.

That was one hell of a fact.

"There was someone executed— Kyle Nimbus," Caitlin informed.

A tab of his background and records popped up. And yup, he does look like someone crazy. Bald, pale skin, huge bags under his eyes. Just add a crooked smile and he could be the missing son of the Grinch and Penguin.

"That's him," Barry confirmed.

"He was a hit man for the Darbinyan crime family. They turned on him and testified. Judge Teresa Howard was the judge at his trial. She sentenced him to death."

It makes sense why he was hell bent on killing these people. The irony of his life though. Karma really is a bitch.

"He said there's one more on his list. Check the arrest records; who caught him, that could be his next attack," he walked towards her, and you trailed after him, dumbfounded.

There was too much information all at once, and Barry's the only one who's putting two and two together as fast as he runs.

You watched as Caitlin's eyes widened in horror. Her face blanched, glancing up at you and Barry, as if she had seen a ghost. It made you a little worried and anxious. The pit of your stomach knotting, as you swallowed thickly. Whatever information she got a hold of isn't good.

"Barry, the lead detective..."

Your heart dropped. Your mind quickly thinks of one person: Joe. Your thoughts ran wildly. You refused to believe it's him.

"Cait, who is it?" You asked, shakily.

"It's Joe."

You let out a gasp, panic surged through you. It felt like the world collapsed, your worry escalating into another level.

Next thing you knew, Barry was on his cell, both of you pacing back and forth, while he tried to reach Joe. Each time he took his phone off his ear, not able to reach him, he grew more frustrated. And so were you.

"He's not answering,"

"Call Eddie, maybe he knows," you suggested.

He took your advice and dialled him. You held your breath, anxiously waiting for the end of the ringing noise from Barry's phone.

"Eddie!" You immediately moved to Barry's side. "Hey, do you know where Joe went? He's not picking up his cell."

You placed your ears near and listened carefully. He paused, then said he didn't know.

"Eddie, it's really important I speak to him. I need to know where he went." Barry pleaded, evidently desperate.

Eddie must have picked it up. You heard an audible sigh from him through the phone. Eddie said he's in Iron Heights. That must have been why he's not picking up.

"Thanks, Eddie." Barry ended the call, and went to the team. "He's in Iron Heights, he's in Iron Heights because of me,"

Your brows drew together. If the toxins results didn't make sense, so is Barry right now. "What? Why?"

"I'll explain later," he said, running off to Caitlin.

She developed an antidote from the toxin, in case Barry didn't make it in time to stop Nimbus. Barry put on his suit, and faster than a blink of eye, he sped off, leaving a red streak of lights behind and a gust of strong wind blowing through your hair.

You took a seat and behind a computer to do your designated job. You pray to God Barry gets there before Nimbus does.

"Barry, I pulled up the specs on Iron Heights prison with maximum security, but I think I can talk you through breaking in there," he said, as he took a seat beside you.

You chortled, shaking your head. Your brother is probably doing the same thing right now. Cisco looked at you confused and a little offended.

"No bother. I've been figuring out how to break in that place since I was 11,"

Damn right he was. He used to get in trouble with Joe because of that, and you'll get a warning to think twice before pulling the same stunt. Barry still continuously, persistently did it. Eventually, he got older and no one has to call Joe about a minor trying to sneak in to see his Dad.

In a snap, it dawned on you. That's what Barry meant. Your Dad was the reason Joe was in Iron Heights. As to why, you wondered. Joe never once visited the man; he strongly believes that your Dad killed your Mom, it doesn't make sense why he would want to see him after all those years.

Your thoughts were pushed in the back of your mind, seeing Barry was inside the prison. You all cowered in silence, anxiety prickling your very existence. Your heart beating fast like you ran a hundred miles, you fingers were trembling. You took them off the keyboard, and hid them under the desk, clenching and unclenching it repeatedly.

You tried to keep it together, itching to hear Barry's voice, saying Joe's fine. You already lost your parents, you can't lose another one.

You felt a warm, large hand on your formed fist, fingers wrapping it securely with a squeeze. Your head shot up to the man in glasses beside you, stunned. Not that you just had the biggest fight ages ago, but your colleagues are literally sandwiching the two of you.

He gave a soft, assuring smile. And you appreciated it deeply. You opened your palm, intertwining your fingers with his. The differences were set aside for a moment, as you hold on to him for dear life.

"Joe's stable," Barry spoke.

The weight on your chest was lifted off. You relaxed for a second only to be reminded that there's still a meta-human on the loose that desperately needs some ass-kicking.

According to Barry, Nimbus transformed into a mist again, and Caitlin advised him to stay away, do not breathe him I'm. As weird as that sounds, it was the only way to avoid inhaling cyanide, and he might not be so lucky again.

But it was very obvious that it wasn't easy; the man is literally air.

"Guys, I don't think this is helping me,"

"You can't fight him, Barry. Just..." Caitlin paused to think. "...keep him coming at you, that should sap his strength."

Wells nodded in agreement. "Yes. Gas is the least stable form of matter— this meta-human will not be able to stay in this mist form, his particles will need to reform."

Barry ran. He ran farther and farther away from the prison. He takes quick stops, before running again.

Your eyes peered over to Caitlin's computer to check on his vitals. His heart rate elevated a bit, but everything was fine. Although he wasn't updating or saying anything it's starting to worry you.

Wells, clearly worried, leaned over and grabbed the mic. "Barry?" He called him. There was only silence on the other end. "Barry?" He called again, louder and firmer.

"We win,"

You all sighed with relief. Your eyes fluttered close, as you lean back into your seat and roll your head back. You squeezed him, you looked at him as a grateful smile spread across your face.

Barry brought Nimbus to S.T.A.R Labs, and left to go to the hospital. You stayed behind to see how well you did with makeshift prison, and get some satisfaction by watching him go crazy to find a way out.

You stood by the entrance of the pipeline with the team, watching the door slide down in front of a very angry Kyle Nimbus, pounding on the glass, constantly morphing into gas to escape his cell. The dummy didn't actually think you'd seal it.

"So, we just have to get used to working above a makeshift prison," Caitlin commented.

"Yup," you replied.

It's surreal. You can't still quite grasp the fact that you built a prison, and it's weird to see someone actually imprisoned inside. He deserved it, yes, but it's still weird.

Everyone turned to shuffle back to the cortex. Cisco pulled Caitlin aside. It looks like they have something to talk about, and by the look on Cisco's face, it's probably serious.

Your eyes flickered to Wells, who was surprisingly staring at you too. You locked eyes, realizing things had wind down— Nimbus is apprehended, and no meta-human to worry about for the time being. You don't know what's going to happen, where you both stand; if the relationship still exists, but one thing is for certain: it was time to address it and deal with it.

He tilted his head to the side, gesturing to go outside, before leaving the room.

You followed him, trailing behind him in the hallway. You dreaded every step you took, you heart racing fast under your ribs, and for many times today, your stomach churned, nervous.

You didn't know where he was leading you. You never really wandered around this area. The hallway is like a never ending maze; just no twist and turns. It was long and quiet and dark. If he was some dude, you would think that he's luring you to kill you.

You were about to ask him where you both were going, but he stopped. You both stood in front of a door. Nothing special about it, just a door. He twisted the knob and opened it. He took a step aside to let you in first and you obliged.

The lights automatically turned on, shedding lights on the room contents. Shelves containing boxes and some other covered things lined up across the room. It's another storage room. The dust isn't disgustingly obvious yet, but it hasn't been touched in a while. Probably since last year.

"We have another storage room?" You raised an eyebrow.

"Yes. This was used when we were building the accelerator," he explained, closing the door behind him.

This is not the most ideal place to talk, but it's secluded and quiet and hidden. Given the fight earlier, all those three are a must.

You spun around to him, folding your arms, awkwardly waiting for him to speak first.

"So?" He started.

"So?"

He exhaled sharply, pursing his lips. "I thought about what you said, and..." He trailed off. A lump forming in your and you gulped in anticipation, watching him be lost for words. It was like those heart stopping moments in class just before your teacher passed your papers, scared of what your mark would be, except on this one, there's only two of you. This would not just affect the future, but potentially break your heart.

He stammered. " I don't— I don't want to lose you. I love you and you were right." Your mouth went dry. You were rendered speechless. Not a single word you could utter, staring at him in shock. You didn't expect that one. Scared that might not convince you, he added, "I mean it. I couldn't risk losing you."

Emotions barrelling through you. You kept it together, not wanting to broke down immediately.

"What about the press?"

"They'll leave us alone eventually," he answered.

"Your haters?"

He chuckled lightly. "They'll forget about it."

"And Joe?" The smile on his face faded, aware of the seriousness of that name.

"We'll deal with it. But I'm pretty sure he'll be happy for you,"

You lowered your head, looking down at your feet.

"Y/N?"

You glanced up, your demeanor stern as you looked into his eyes. "Are you sure? You might be just saying this right now, but you might regret—"

"The only thing I will regret is letting you walk away. I lost a lot of things last year, and I don't want you to be part of it. You mean so much to me,"

Your heart was cracked open. You were in awe of his declaration. Today was a tough one, and it will be on some days, but you certainly knew you would be a damn fool to let him go.

Although, it doesn't hurt to rile him up a bit. You maintain a stoic expression for a period of time, which ended very soon because you couldn't help it anymore.

"Damn it," you hissed.

You went to him, cupped his cheek and pulled his lips to yours. He responded quickly. His lips move passionately against yours, pouring all emotions into the kiss. Your stomach flutters in realization how vulnerable and raw this moment is. It was like he's opening up and he didn't have to say anything. Everything disappeared for a while. He clutched your arm, pressing you closer to this warmth.

You pulled away reluctantly, panting. You leaned your forehead against his.

"I love you," you whispered to him.

"I love you too,"

He drew closer to kiss you again, but you withdrew. You gritted your teeth, looking at him nervously.

"I think we should tell them tonight,"

***

Uh Oh. How do you think they'll react?

Anyway, I'd appreciate if you share this and give it love. Thanks!

Part VI

[aslaton8-blog]

What does "Home" mean?

What does "home" mean when you don't have a family? I mean I have a family, a very large one fact. None of us get along though. My family is wrought with mental illness. Mostly things such as narcissistic personality disorder, hypochondria, sociopathy, borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, and above all just flat selfishness. I really can't handle them. They make my issues so much worse. Actually they are the cause of my issues.

My society has been the least of my problems. I made the best decision when I decided to get away from my family and never talk to them again. I was sick of being gaslighted and ghosted being treated as if I wasn't doing anything when I was the only one doing anything meanwhile homeless and struggling by myself. Fuck those people they aren't a family.

So I struggle to understand what family means. I've been invited to be a part of a witch coven. It's actually really cool. I don't hate the idea. I'm just so disconnected from the idea of having a family. I can't even make a friend family of my own. I'm married to my friend family. To the twins Ryan and Daniel Krone. I love them with all of my heart. I don't love anybody else this way outside of the celebrities that have been with me since my childhood. Those are distant feelings though and I'm just a stranger to them anyway.

I feel like I got tossed into this witch coven immediately. I didn't really get a say so in whether I wanted to be a part of it or not. I didn't really have a full understanding of witch covens before they tossed me in there. We had one meeting already and it just felt like a meeting of complete strangers. Is this what it feels like to be a celebrity? Being in a room full of strangers and still feeling completely disconnected from people and community? I'm so glad I never tried that path. I don't like much attention anyway. I mean I like attention to an extent just like everyone else would want to feel a part of life. But I don't need all that. That was too much.

I don't think I'll feel at home with these people unless they stay in my life. I still don't feel at home with these people and I've been hanging out with them for a couple of years. it just feels like another adventure that's going to disappear in time. I like these people don't get me wrong, it's just not a hundred percent there for me. First of all the entire coven is completely white minus maybe one lady who is close enough to being white that she could pass as white. All that does is remind me of our societal problems and all I want to do is keep fighting them. Second of all I'm not religious and I believe in every religion not just one. It's hard for me to feel honest with being in a coven when I don't hundred percent believe in everything their doing.

It seems like all I want to do is fight anymore. I don't want to get along with society. Why is that? Maybe I'm just that full of pain. I feel like I'm walking through the next door of the chapter of my healing. But it feels like a door that I opened and don't know where to go. It's like a room full of mazes. Maybe I shouldn't have opened the door just yet but what do I now? I haven't had much guidance in this life I only have me to guide myself.

People say take the direction that's right in front of you but what if you're not a hundred percent feeling it? What if that road just leaves to falling off a cliff and breaking every bone in my body? I can't take a different path though or I'll be steering away from my husband and his brother who I don't want to be away from at all.

I've been feeling my soul pushing me to form a life outside of Ryan. And that scares me so much because I don't want to think about a life outside of Ryan. I don't want to lose him like Terry lost Steve Irwin. I'm not ready to detach from him yet like that, I mean I haven't even given birth to my child yet. Why are you always pushing me to do stuff I'm not ready for yet world? I vibe with conservatives here. Stop moving and changing so fast let us enjoy what we have right now.

I cried my eyes out last night. I haven't cried in a while so I probably needed it but then that's a paradox in itself because why do we need to cry? I suppose in this case to release a lot of the pressure I have been feeling inside lately. I've got to get started with my photography career because I'm going to quit my part-time job in February and need to make income. I always wanted to start my photography career but I was always so hesitant because I didn't want to turn my hobby into a capitalist dream. I don't believe in capitalism and I don't believe it works. It's like a tool that worked at one time and is now broken and we need to try something else.

If I ever have employees I'll make sure they get half of the income and not this 80/20 bullshit. If they aren't putting forth the effort into the work then obviously I will look for somebody else. Naturally that's all we can do. But for now I prefer to just team up with other photographers that are seasoned and have their own established business that we partner up on. I really love this field and I don't want to steer away from it in any way.

I'm having other fears. Like I said I've been pushed into this witch coven thing. Which to be fair they haven't really pushed me on anything else, she just kind of stuck me in there and I'm welcome to back out if I want to but I feel like I didn't learn enough about it to make a real decision on it and I'm just becoming a part of it automatically because I never made a decision. You people move too fast!!! Now my brother-in-law is dating one of them. *Sigh*

I mean I like her I just have a lot of conflicts in my heart. She favors the character that I was creating for Daniel's character in my story which is really weird because she's like a silhouette of what I already imagined. Maybe this is his dream lover maybe this is where he's supposed to be. But something about it has me really uneasy. I feel like it's all moving too fast. Maybe that's just my fear speaking, maybe it's not moving too fast and maybe that's just how I'm seeing it because I fear people. I also love Daniel very much and don't want to see him get his heart broken again. I feel like we just met these people.

She and I did not get off to a good start either. I was connecting with this lady that I really really liked name Tonya and I was having a bad day and wanted to go see her. This woman was there and Tonya said she would be leaving soon so I wouldn't have to meet new company since I was not in the mood to meet any new company. I feel like I had just met Tonya and didn't get to really get to know her yet before I'm being forced to me all these other people...so I was rude to this woman. I treated her exactly like I felt. I did not want to meet anyone new. We talked about it later and we smoothed over our bad first meeting. We got to talkin and she seems fine and I like her I just did not expect her to start dating my brother-in-law this fast. I understand he's starving for a partner because he loves romance and he deserves a good partner and that will tend to make a dog eat its food too fast and throw it back up. This is my family, my home. I love whoever he loves. But I'm jaded because the last girl he was in love with was a complete psychopath. It wasn't really love again it was starvation for love. Thankfully this woman does not seem like a psychopath. She's a very sensitive empath with a lot of love in her heart. Despite that I still feel so many fears. We got in another fight again when I was just trying to be direct, be myself. I found out how sensitive she really is.

That scares me too because I don't need anybody in my life who cannot handle me and if she's dating my brother-in-law and something comes of it she could one day become my sister-in-law. That's a big deal for me. I've never connected really well with women. I've been connecting with Tonya and I was happy with our slow pace. She's a really cool woman and I like her. So the idea of getting closer to this woman put a lot of pressure on me because I don't want to be a jerk and be completely distant from my brother-in-law's girlfriend because we've already had that issue with another friend and it will just bring up old hurt. I need people who can stand up to me when I'm at my worst moods and I'm beating you up emotionally.

Daniel's new girlfriend did that with me the other night. We got in an argument sure but we also resolved it. She did not run away from the argument and go hide. She broke down and cried right in front of me and expressed every emotion I caused her to feel. Great start right? I hate feeling like this monster that calls out everybody's bulshit including mine. I really was just trying to pull out my conflict and deal with it and not try to put the burden on her for sure but I'm not about going behind people's back and talking about them especially to the people that they are dating who else that I have to discuss this with other than her anyway? I like direct communication. I'm not a passive aggressive person. I can be passive so not to hurt your feelings but I'm not a passive aggressive person. If I've got something to say to you I'm going to say it especially when I am ready and know how I want to say it. It turned out for the better because she admitted that she needed to cry from a lot of pressure from the week and that I was the push that made her move but I'm still worried about future interactions. I don't want anyone in my life I'm just going to beat up by being myself. I need people to be in my life who can separate themselves from my anger and internal conflicts and not take on the pain.

My husband is still learning how to do this. I was ranting and venting away about him being sick and not being able to enjoy my birthday with him and he took all the pressure on as if it was his fault. 🙈 I swear I can't be angry about anything without somebody taking on the pressure themselves. I have to suck it up all the time just so I don't hurt other people's feelings. I think that's why I relate to #Slipknot so much. I've been listening to that band since I was like 11. So that means I've been listening to them for like 22 years. They are a huge part of my life and a huge influence in my life and my healing. Probably number one on my list. They're definitely a part of my soul and I definitely feel the big brother attitude that they have with society. It's beautiful and well needed for people like me. The magic of their music has filled my spirit with so much love in so many times that I needed it.

But before I go on a tangent let's get back to what was bothering me in the first place. Family. I need to work through my fears because it's not like this woman is some crazy monster person like the last girl. The last girl wanted to keep secrets with my husband about me. He immediately told me about it of course but I'm just really jaded by her and my mother because they popped in my life at the same time. They were just alike. It was like my mother pushed herself into my life not only physically but spiritually too. I have so much hatred for my mother I really wish she would die. I know she's going to die one day and I can't wait for that day to end everybodies suffering. She's one of those Santa baby ladies, gold digging, cocaine junkie narcissistic trash. She's somebody else's mess to clean up, I was not here to raise her. I don't want anybody else like her in my life ever again. The fighter in me will really show and I might damage some relationships along the way. I just hope this girl turns out to be fine. She seems fine. I'm just wrought with a lot of trust issues and fears and I'm not feeling at home right now even though I know I am home.