#I've done all I can but she doesn't even try so my efforts are worthless

[wayfayrr]

Pssp if you use music as a way to cope it can help I listen to full noisecore dubstep to just burn out some of those harder emotions but I wish you luck dealing with broken relationships can be rough

I've actually been listening to a ton of dubstep recently, I like how much it drowns out any other thoughts whenever you listen to it loud enough <3

I'm starting to get a better handle on it now thankfully, just lying and keeping a more 'genuine' smile on my face around her till I can get away again

[thetransomen]

Fuck fuck mother mother fuck fuck

i can't right now.

My mom's in and out of the hospital like once a week, and we barely talk. She just lays in bed all day and complains about everything. Like not to be insensitive to those with chronic illnesses, but she's *always* been like this. Even when she was healthy, she just lays in bed all day. Watches TV. And then wonders why *I*'m the one depressed. Why do *I* have so much anxiety.

She fucking screams at me if i open the blinds, bc she wants to walk around half-naked all the time (the bottom half. yeah i don't like it either). She does the absolute bare minimum of household chores, and she doesn't even make an effort to clean things up if she spills. It's like she has absolutely no self-esteem at all and never has. I can't even remember a time when she was really happy. Maybe when I was a kid, going on a vacation. The one vacation I ever remember having with her.

I just don't get her. She works all the time and takes the lowest-paying jobs, doesn't really try to improve herself. Like is this what she really thinks of herself? And how am I, her child supposed to care for her when I can barely care for myself? I have issues with money quite often and wish I made enough to move out. I have no hope of moving anywhere by myself anytime soon.

But now I'm getting desperate, because I can't care for her myself. I think she needs to move in with one of my aunts or grandma where she can actually get 24/7 help (my grandma lives with my uncle who helps her). I feel like I'm failing her, but I also think she got here by herself. She's ignored her own depression and anxiety and projected it all on me. I'd actually be a lot emotionally healthier if I didn't live with her. Especially if she hadn't been the one to "raise" me (i wasn't really raised by anyone. Maybe my grandparents and aunts and uncles. I spent far more time around them than my mom - she was always working. I never got why she never stopped working. Even working 3 jobs at once! I just wanted her to spend time with me. Instead, I spent most of my childhood alone at home. Making things up in my head. Letting my mind wander.... Kind of explains why I focus on writing as a creative pursuit, rather than performing in some way.)

I'm also at a point in my life where I'm starting to consider porn and related activities to make money. Not because I'm desperate. But rather, my libido tends to skyrocket on T, and I need lots of stimulation to get off. And it turns out, people like what I look like. I got 50+ men in my city interested with just one post.

And if I do decide to pursue that, I don't want to be anywhere near my mom when I do. She'd never find me anyway. I don't think she cares at all for porn. I just want to keep her safe and protected and never again have to work so much in her life. Like I want her to retire yesterday. She shouldn't have to work that much. NO ONE should have to work that much. Give her a fucking break. And give me a fucking break. We all need a fucking break.

You know all this would be instantly fixed if we had Unversal Basic Income? Or guaranteed housing? I think about this a lot. My situation would massively improve if that were true.

Now my aunt's trying to shame me to go to the hospital to see her. When she told me to stay home and clean. Because those are my mom's priorities. Doesn't care about herself, as long as the work gets done. Then she sits there in misery and practically enjoys feeling sorry for herself. She's done this her whole life, and it's taken me years to realize this is narcissistic behavior. Because I've noticed it in myself.

When you start to feel sorry for yourself, you actually get a huge ego. *Because* you feel worthless. Narcissistic Personality Disorder means you have extremely low self-esteem. And for me, it only got better when I realized I'm not perfect and never will be. And no one and nothing is. I accepted that I'm the same as anyone else, and I need to trust myself deeply - that's what faith is. That's where my faith in humanity lies - within myself. And with others, when I improve their day just by existing. Making eye contact. Smiling. I know I'm not worthless. I'll never be perfect. And no one else will be.

Because NPD means you feel sorry for yourself, you feel like you're supposed to be perfect. You become more concerned with being right than being kind, and that's your first mistake. Then you start to expect that of others. And well, look at society. It starts a cascading effect. To say that we don't understand depression is a bunch of BS. I mean, sure there are some people for whom it truly is inexplicable, but more often than not, it's because of some ridiculous expectation you're setting for yourself and everyone else. You get this black-and-white thinking (oh hi politics, is that you?) and you start to demonize certain people and things. And generally, you stop thinking of yourself as human, which is why you end up treating people so.

I've already written so much here, but it's safe to say I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Why I feel suffocated in my own home, why I get random bouts of anxiety. It's not coming from within. It's coming from everyone around me.

I really really think mental disorders are more social disorders than anything. But instead of a lack of communication between individuals, it's rather a lack of communication within the self. It's an introspective disorder. Maybe that's what we should re-name "abnormal psych". Because there's really nothing abnormal about it, when we're living in the abnormal society.

[impala1967dwinchester]

Dean Winchester: Fix Her

Pairing: Dean W. x Reader

Pov: Dean

Warnings: Angst, fluff, sweetness on Dean's part, trying to help, depression, anxiety, panic attacks mentioned, feeling alone.

Summary: Dean notices that his girlfriend is starting to pull away. (Funny he sees when someone else is doing it) She looks so worn out. All he wants is for his girl to be happy again.

Word Count: 797

A/N- Based on the song by Brent Morgan 'The fixer' Credit given to @firefly-graphics for the divider.

Deans Master list

Main Master list

Have you ever watched the person you love so dearly break down little by little? The saddest thing about that is that you can't do a damn thing to help them.

'She's a fixer with no one to fix her'

'She's a lover who wont't love herself'

'She's a heartbreak away from a horrible place'

'Cause fixers never fix themselves'

When Y/n first came to us she was broken and so far down the rabbit hole of depression and the feeling of worthlessness. How do you help someone who's been made to feel like shit on a daily basis?

Helping her was yes a task in itself. With trying to hunt, and trying to help Y/n it had become overwhelming. But that's not something to put on her shoulders, I took the responsibility of helping her.

A good two years to get her back to healthy mental health. She smiled brighter, danced around the bunker halls, made breakfast. In the process of me spending the past two years with her, I had in short fallen in love with the bright smiled, cute laughing girl.

It was very much like having to get her out of her shell. Two years of pulling, waiting, and forcing her to get out of her shell. Promising her that I wouldn't her, promising her that she was safe to be her true self in front of me, and even in front of Sam.

'She's a fighter with no one beside her'

'In a corner alone on the ropes'

'She's a let down away from a terrible place'

'She'll fix every scar but her own'

The thing about Y/n was that she was amazing at putting all of her efforts into someone else.

If Sam came back from a hunt hurt or needed someone to talk to she was your go-to girl. She absorbs every single word and helps you get through your shit.

She tended to forget about herself. You can only the other people as long as you are helping yourself. I know what she was doing because I had done that same thing for so long.

Pushing away her own emotions, thoughts, or personal health for someone else. And not that Sam and I weren't grateful I had to explain to her that it wasn't very healthy.

She fought with all her body. When she screamed and yelled at you it was deep down. Hidden for so long. I never took offense to it, because I have known that it wasn't directed towards me.

'Oh, she fixes the lonely, fixes the broke'

'But tends to forget who needs fixin' the most'

'Buried in bandages, hiding the hell'

'Causes fixers never fix themselves'

Coming to us she was broken. Y/n is great at helping and fixing others around her. We'd go on hunts and she'd be right thereafter helping the kids or young teenagers that were scared.

'She's a liar, a calm to the fire'

She lies about being hurt and being depressed. But in the moments where it matters the most, she is calm and mature. She doesn't look like she's breaking down.

'Shamed when we all follow suit'

'She's a whisper away from a dangerous place'

'Cause lies aren't a fix from the truth'

She hates that sometimes Sam or I tend to follow her lead, we follow her when we're upset. We to can run away, we hide, we try to bat off the bad emotions, the bad feelings.

'Oh, she fixes the lonely, fixes the broke'

'But tends to forget who needs fixin' the most'

'Packed with prescription, disguising the hell'

'Cause fixers never fix themselves'

What the hell prescriptions, that's really a cover word for beer and alcohol. Her addiction to the buzz, and to the way it makes her feel. Her addiction to the high she gets to fell. The way she can sort of leave her own mind with the alcohol.

'She's a handful

'A whole lot to handle'

'But worth every thorn in my side'

The nights that I have to drag her buzz body up to her room. Yeah, it was hard on me, but there were nights that Y/n would drag me back to bed in a drunken haze. We were there for each other. And I bet you right now we were both annoyed with each other at one point.

'She's a sunset away from the darkest of days

'No fix for the fixer tonight'

'She's a sunset away from the darkest of days'

'No fic for the fixer tonight'

Every person is allowed to have their breakdowns, but she knows, Y/n knows I'm here for her. She knows that I've got her. I'm not letting go of her, I won't let her fall.

Completed on: 05/04/2021

Dean Winchesters Taglist: @akshi8278 @hit-meup69 @fofisstilinski@deanswaywardgirl @doctorlilo @wonderfulworldofwinchester

[ayinaraht]

I'm Funny 😂

" happiness doesn't need to come from other people or from what's happening in your life. " that's funny. because I depend on people for happiness. the " old " me was independent, it didn't matter if she was happy or not. she kept everything to herself. no one knew anything about her. like literally. she made sure all of her friends were happy. made sure they were okay before they went home. she did the craziest stupidest shit ever just to make them feel better. it didn't matter if she looked like an idiot. but as long as it made her friends happy. she wouldn't mind. she did everything. she sacrificed certain stuff for them. at the end of the day, she was alone. she had no one to talk to. that's when she found darkness. she loved it. it consumed her. she didn't fight back. that's who I am now today. I started loving the darkness so much more than my ownself. I let it consume me every single day. telling me that I am useless, worthless, ugly, that the friends that I have now are just here because they don't dare to actually tell me that they don't like me. that they don't want me as a friend. they're afraid that I'd try to kill myself. like they won't be able to live with that guilt for the rest of their lives. there's only one person who is willing to die for me. but even then I kinda don't want to believe it. I just don't know what I want anymore. what I need anymore. what I have to do anymore. this last stage is getting harder day by day. I feel like I'm hurting my friends. like especially John uh. I told him that he should stop buying me shit and like doing stuff for me. not that I don't fucking care or whatsoever. but the fact that like I don't appreciate it? I mean I do. I just don't know how to show it. I've never done this kind of stuff. I was telling him that like it's kind of wasted because I don't know how to appreciate it. like it fucking hit me so hard when Veera said that I should be treasuring John and appreciating his efforts. but I don't feel like I'm even worth such efforts. like he should do it for someone who is actually worth it and knows how to appreciate it. I know I'm hurting him and probably other people too. I know they care. like they wanna make me feel good. they don't want to see me suffering like this. but cmon uh guys, whoever's reading this right now. please tone it down. I can't take this. I just really don't know how to show that I appreciate you guys. I can only say and give y'all a hug. but mostly I don't feel like I'm worth it. my heart will literally ache whenever y'all do such a thing for me. I'm truly sorry. but that's just how I actually feel. I'm really not worth it. I'm not asking you guys to leave me. but like I'd rather you do such stuff for people who are worth it. I need time and space to settle all my issues. to progress. to fix this broken body and soul. please don't misunderstand me. I really love you guys 🙆😚. just please be patient and wait for me to come back okay.