#I've definitely mellowed out since then and feel better about everything but

[shint0buri]

I think the latest pentory is at least justification for the vibes that i felt directly after the concert. i don't think i was being too crazy

[starrystevie]

18+ | modern office steddie au | cw: public sex, undernegotiated kinks, unsafe sex | crossposted to ao3 here

eddie doesn't do it often. okay, maybe that's a stretch. frequently might be a better word for it, more accurate. but he wouldn't say he does it everyday or anything. it's just a little break from the day, an escape from the monotony of corporate america.

he's only been in this new tech support job for a few months but he's already comfortable enough that working on his next novel at his desk doesn't give him anxiety anymore. he isn't afraid someone is looking over his shoulder all the time like he did when he first started with the company.

the thing is, eddie's good at tech. he's good at finding the problems, finding even better solutions. half the time all he's doing is updating and restarting people's equipment that hasn't been refreshed in years. so he finds himself with enough free time at his desk to work on the second installment of his fantasy novel when the problems seem to be at a low.

as he waits for his laptop to boot up, eddie cracks his knuckles and grabs his phone to send a text to his editor that may or may not also happen to be his best friend so he could cut back on over exuberant editing fees. he doesn't read the message over, just fires out a text to nancy quickly before pocketing his phone.

he only realizes the typo once he gets a laughing emoji in return and cackles at what he actually sent.

"getting ready to write some smut on the cock!!!!!"

it doesn't take long to send a winky face before correcting himself to say " on the clock obviously", before pocketing his phone and opening the document where his novel is. just as eddie is about to start typing, a voice behind him makes him jump out of his skin.

"what was so funny?" steve asks, arm propped on the top of his flimsy cubicle wall, legs crossed over one another, smirk on his face.

eddie forces himself not to swoon. he takes in the way his white button up stretches across his chest, dress pants oh so snug over his thighs, hair pushed back in the way that only steve harrington could pull off. he may have only been at the office for a few months, but ever since he first saw him, steve very quickly became the only thing eddie could think about.

"i'm sure you wouldn't find it funny," he starts, tilting his laptop screen halfway shut so steve can't catch him doing his other job, his favorite job, while at work.

steve smirks again, his cheek lifting enough to crinkle his eye. "try me, munson."

with a dramatic push, eddie rolls in his wheely chair and stands up so he can keep his voice low. "i sent my editor a dirty text on accident."

if steve's surprised, he doesn't show it.

"editor, hmm? for what?" his voice is as low as eddie's and it makes the cubicle feel even smaller than it is. like everything in the world has zeroed in on their whispers to each other.

"i might be writing a book. well, technically i've already written a book. this is just the sequel."

steve's eyes flick from eddie to his laptop and then back once more. "is it anything i'd know?"

he cackles again, picturing steve reading his smutty fantasy novel, eyebrows furrowed as he tries to make any sense out of the haphazard world map eddie drew for the back page. but then again, he could easily picture steve in the world he made. he'd be a prince- no, scratch that, an elven prince- just like the one he's writing about in this one.

"i do read, you know. i'm not entirely up to date with everything but i do like books." steve says it like he's almost hurt and it makes eddie look back up at him, mellowing out his wide grin into a softer smile.

"oh, i wasn't doubting that. i just doubt you read elf porn in your free time."

whatever hurt was lacing through steve's face is gone, replaced with wide eyes and eyebrows to his hairline and a bright smile pulling at his cheeks.

"yeah," he says a little breathless, "yeah, definitely not the first thing i'd reach for."

eddie gives him a told-you-so head nod and brings a hand up to run through his hair, tracking steve's eyes as he follows the motion for a moment. having his eyes on him rushes through eddie like a wave crashing and he's halfway tempted to do it again if he didn't think it would look forced.

"well you probably don't know mine then."

as he turns to go back to his chair, he hears steve cough to get his attention back, arms crossed over his chest to make his shirt pull taut over his beautiful, gorgeous, annoyingly perfect biceps. "so what was the dirty text?"

"well, it was actually a typo," eddie starts, cocking his head to the side with a smirk as he pulls out his phone, "so an unintentional dirty text. but still funny, none the less. and i don't think i can say it out loud without getting hr called on my ass so-"

he holds up his phone so steve can see the brief conversation between him and nancy, watches his eyebrows shoot back up to his hairline, watches as his mouth drops open for a millisecond before giving eddie another goddamn smirk. steve leans back, drops his arms to put a hand on his hip, and looks eddie less than subtly up and down.

"so... do you want to?"

eddie can feel the moment his heart stutters in his chest. a combination of steve's general... steveness plus the implication of what the text said and his mind travels to a dirty, dirty, not meant for work place until he pieces it somewhat together and asks-

"...are you asking if i'm gay?"

steve huffs out a laugh and takes a step further into eddie's cubicle. there already isn't much room and with him coming in the tiniest bit closer, their toes are almost touching.

"sure," he says like it's the easiest thing to say on a thursday afternoon. "it can be a two-part question if you want."

a few things run through eddie's head all at the same time:

steve's close enough that he can feel the heat radiating off of the arm he now has resting on his desk, and he's really about to come out to a coworker which he normally leaves for at least 6 months into a new job, and that he thinks he's going to pass out if steve is actually asking what he thinks he's asking.

do you want to write smut while you're on my cock?

he doesn't know where he finds the courage, honestly. call it a slow thursday, call it a little extra motivation for his novel. eddie scoots closer and throws caution to the wind.

"then yes to both."

he's never seen steve's office. he's been to the top floors before when some higher up needed him to install a web browser on his new desktop so he has kind of an idea of what the private offices look like.

eddie didn't expect the first time that he got to see steve's office would be spread out, bent over his desk with his novel pulled up on his laptop while steve runs his hands over his ass.

"here's how this is going to work," steve whispers close to his ear while he lays against his back, snaking a hand up to undo the knot of eddie's messy tie, popping open a button on his dress shirt in the process. "you stop writing, i stop fucking you."

with a hum, eddie presses his hips back, up on his tiptoes with his off brand dress shoes pinching his feet tightly. "i think i can manage that."

"i'm not finished," he bites gently at eddie's ear lobe, returning his hands to palm over his ass cheeks. "everything i do to you, and i mean everything, needs to be written down. turn me into a character or something, i don't care, but i expect you to be thorough."

he doesn't mean to moan at the instructions, really he doesn't, but it's so easy to picture steve morphing into a character in his world. his mind races trying to figure out how exactly to write him into the scene that had already started, but with a snap of his fingers as the idea clicks, he writes out a quick line and looks at steve over his shoulder for approval.

"who's sylvar?" steve asks, pronunciation clunky on his tongue.

"sylvar is an elven prince, might as well make you him. besides, you both have an s name."

steve chuckles, his breath ruffling eddie's hair. "okay, fair. prince, huh?"

he doesn't have to look over his shoulder again to know that steve's smirking so he rolls his eyes and finishes the sentence, only breaking away to gasp as steve brings his hand between his thighs to spread them further apart.

"i'm gonna take a wild guess and say that elidyr is supposed to be you?"

eddie nods and pulls his tie off the rest of the way. "let's see, he's one of the prince's newest attendants, known for being a bit out of control, gets chastised for staring at the prince's ass in his khakis too much-"

"you're making that one up, huh?"

he tosses his tie to the side and brings a hand up to tangle in steve's hair, pulling his lips down to his neck and waiting for him to get the hint and start kissing. "steve, i'm making all of it up. that's the way writing a book goes."

"is that so?" he murmurs playfully against his neck, teeth pressing against the skin as he smiles, hands yanking on his hips to get eddie flush against his cock. "...i don't see you writing."

eddie huffs and shakes his head before writing out quickly how sylvar grabbed elidyr by the hips roughly to show him how excited he was. steve takes the typing as the go ahead and quickly undoes both of their pants before running his hands up eddie's now bare thighs.

he didn't really have any idea of how well he'd be able to hold out to steve's ministrations while having to write them out at the same time, but any confidence he had in himself leaves when steve's palm cups his cock through his briefs. eddie cants his hips forward and brings his hand back up to tangle once more in steve's hair.

and just like that, the touch is gone.

"oh, come on!" eddie whines and brings his hands back to the keyboard, typing in random filler words until suddenly he has no underwear and hands pulling his ass cheeks apart.

"gonna fucking take you apart... shit," steve whispers and eddie doesn't think he was supposed to hear it, but he writes it into the scene anyway.

there's a cool dribble of what must be lube on his hole and he fights against the shiver it sends up his spine. "you have lube in your office?"

"no, i have lube in my briefcase. big difference."

eddie doesn't really see how to the two are different, but he laughs to appease steve before getting cut short as a finger starts to enter him. he must whine, must jerk or do something wrong because it's leaving almost as soon as it had arrived.

"steve, i swear to god," eddie groans, head dropping down as he types without looking. poor nancy is going to have a hell of time reading and editing over this draft.

they both sigh when the finger presses into him once more and steve weaves his other hand into eddie's hair to pull him up and look at his screen. "there you go, just keep typing. write about how good it feels."

and shit. that's hotter than he expected it to be.

it goes well for all of a few minutes, eddie typing and steve reading over his shoulder, scissoring his fingers to get him nice and wet and open. they both somehow manage to keep their composure, filthy words being muttered out loud that then end up on the screen.

it's after steve gets him cock in him that it all goes down hill.

"oh fuck-" eddie moans as his leg gets hoisted up for a better angle. steve's grip on his hip is brutal, bound to be leaving bruises, as he pulls eddie back to meet him in the middle.

his chest is rubbing against the pleather desk cover, nipples catching on just the right side of painful when steve pushes his shirt up and out of the way. his dick is flopping against his thigh with every thrust, the lack of friction driving him insane.

he swears he only takes his hands away from the laptop for a second but then steve's pulling out quickly, dropping his leg and getting eddie off balance. he whines like he's throwing a temper tantrum before bringing his fingers back up to type more nonsense, gasping when steve slides back in like no time has passed.

"read it," he huffs next to his ear, "tell me how perfect you make fucking me sound."

"oh my god," eddie croaks, eyes rolling back as steve lets go of his hip once more to pull his head upright. "sylvar fucks wi-without abandon, hitting every right spot possible inside elidyr, the heat of his h-heavy cock punishing him making him mad with lust."

"good, yeah that's good. like when i fuck you hard?" steve grunts out before pistoning his hips even faster, eddie's moans bouncing off the bare office walls. "tell me more, keep going baby."

"the grip he uses to hold onto elidyr's hair is the only thing keeping him upright. this is all he could want, tending to the prince's every desire, being whatever the prince wants him to be." eddie expects it when the fingers in his hair curl even tighter, his back bowing against the desk with the pressure, but he still keens loudly at the pull.

steve chuckles roughly, like he's barely holding on himself, hips stuttering before evening out. "is that what you want?"

"wha-" eddie murmurs, not trusting his voice much more than that, his brain turning into mush. "is what what i want?"

"want to tend to my desires, want to be for me to use however i please?"

and the thing is, realistically, eddie knows this whole thing is weird, blending his two worlds together in a way he's never done before, but it doesn't stop him from forgoing the rules and bringing a hand down to work over his cock. "god, don't stop. please, please, please..."

steve must be tired of the game, too, because he doesn't even attempt to quit what they're doing to punish eddie as he stops writing. he barely has time to appreciate that the game is finally over because the hand in his hair slides around to rest gently around eddie's throat, pulling him up so his back is to steve's chest, every thrust punching out another gasping breath.

"answer the question," he says, punctuating each word with a snap of his hips. "gonna let me use you how i want?"

eddie has died and gone to heaven and the cause of death is a mixture of steve's tongue, hands, and cock. his mind wanders to what else they could do together, what else he'd let steve do, what else he wants steve to do. he sends up a quick thank you to whoever is listening that he saw the job posting for this company so he could be here in this moment with a possible sex god in his midst.

the hand that he had braced on the desk for support makes its way up to cover steve's on his throat, a barely there pressure combined with his quick fingers on his cock that sends him over the edge.

he breathes out a "yes" as he shoots come across the stop of steve's desk and see stars dancing in his eyes. steve fucks him through it, whispers filth of what he wants to do to eddie right into his ear, and when he comes back to himself, he digs his nails in the top of steve's hand.

"want it, want you, however you want me-" he chokes out.

and when steve finally comes inside of him, eddie makes sure he bends back down with his cock still pounding into him to write some line about how nice elidyr thinks it feels to filled up from someone who probably shouldn't be giving him the time of day. he tries not to find parallels as steve kisses up the back of his neck as he rocks his hips for the final time.

eddie's bare ass is in a mixture of their come as they maneuver him around to let him sit up and wrap his legs around steve's hips, pulling their spent cocks together while they lazily make out. steve's hands dance softly over his bare thighs, eddie threads his fingers through steve's hair.

"how does it end?" steve whispers against his lips.

"i don't know yet," eddie says truthfully, his mind wandering as kisses start to trail down his jawline. "how do you want it to end?"

"i don't suppose they have bars in this elf world, do they? one where they can go on an actual date to before going back to the palace or whatever to ravage each other?"

eddie grins, tipping his head back to catch steve's lips one more time in a slow kiss. "i can arrange for them to go to the tavern. i think they'd both like that."

the next morning, slightly hungover and draped over each other in steve's way too large bed, eddie ignores a text from nancy asking why the names change halfway through the draft and wondering who the fuck steve is. eddie silences his phone and goes back to sleep, so glad that he didn't double check his first message yesterday for typos.

[din-miller]

Dress For The Job

Pairing: Din Djarin x gn!reader

Word count: 1.6k

Summary: You're used as bait during a mission on Nevarro. Din isn't pleased with the situation 

Warnings: angst mixed with a good amount of fluff, gender neutral reader but reader wears a dress, married couple, hardcore flirting, badass reader, his first name is Din, canon-typical violence, implications to sexy times.

Nevarro's typically mellow near midday, more accustomed to the elderly citizens dawdling through the markets, reminiscing on their younger years as the wind blows a faint breeze and the local bakeries flood the marketplace with their fresh aromas.

According to Greef, pirates have been stealing from the marketplace, breaking into people's homes and ransacking them. There have been three reported deaths in the last two months. 

That's where you and Din come in. You've both been hired to track down any pirates and turn them in.

That was two weeks ago. When you and Din dropped off Grogu on Tatooine with Peli, you both promised to be back in a few days.

A few days, four at most. 

Not two weeks.

You're definitely paying a hefty interest rate when you do pick up the kid. It's a good thing Greef is willing to pay you handsomely.

You could tell the High Magistrate was getting antsy the longer the pirates roamed Navarro. Din wasn't much better. During the days he would be tracking every lead possible, during the nights you would hold him in your arms and tell him to breathe. 

You weren't much better, really. There's this frustration that's humming through your body. An anger that's boiling in your veins the longer you're away from Grogu. 

Last night was the hardest night you've had in a while. Din had finally given up on his newest dead end lead and crawled into bed with you. He pulled you against his chest, which fell and raised with each unsteady breath. He missed Grogu and the cracks in his voice as he spoke had you crying into his chest, his own tears falling into your hair.

Maybe that's why you had agreed to Greef's newest plan the next morning without a second thought.

Under the hot sun, warmth seeping into your black shirt, you're definitely starting to regret saying yes. Kicking a small stone you mumbled under your breath, "Standing around waiting to get kidnapped. Not exactly the highlight of my life."

Through your earpiece Din huffed, definitely still displeased with this plan, "Just stay focused, Greef said they should be here today."

"They better be, I'm not sweating through my good shirt for nothing." You sighed, armpits already feeling sticky, "I've never been used as bait before. Am I doing a good job?" 

Din doesn't answer. Which isn't a surprise. He's been ignoring you since you took Greef's side and stripped yourself bare of all weapons but one to stand in the middle of the marketplace to be discovered by a group of pirates who've already murdered three people.

Okay, putting it that way does make Din's reaction understandable. Greef had worded it better.

"Mando, it's going to be okay, I promise. Besides I'm armed and you're only a few blocks away if it goes south."

"I know, cyare, but that doesn't mean I have to be happy that my riduur decided to put themself in a dangerous position."

You want to point out that he did the same thing back on Tatooine cycles ago. Played bait for Cobb Vanth. You're not going to though, not when his breathing is heavy through the earpiece like it's taking everything in him to remember how to take in a steady breath. 

You quickly glance over to where he's hidden from view a few rooftops over. You sent him a look, one that reassures him that you'll take every safe precaution available.

You're not offended by the way your husband is acting like you can't handle yourself. You both know you can, you've done it dozens of times before. It's just his nature to worry; about you, about Grogu, about his friends.

You start to lazily stroll through the marketplace, keeping yourself in Din's line of sight as much as possible. 

You've kept the line open – Din doing the same on his end – and you do your best to minimise your lip movement when you speak, "I was thinking maybe after this we could relax on Sorgan for a couple weeks. That'll be nice, wouldn't it?"

"Focus."

You rolled your eyes at that, "We haven't been back there since our honeymoon, or at least our version of a honeymoon. Most couples don't normally fight off raiders during their romantic getaways." 

There's a soft chuckle from Din's end, "When have we ever fit into the category of normal?"

"I still have my wedding dress," You commented, enjoying the way his breath hitched at it, "It's been a few years but I'd imagine I could still fit into it."

"Cyare."

You grinned at his warning, you know he's recalling the moment he first saw you in the dress, "Like you haven't thought about it before. We share the same bed and you occasionally mumble in your sleep."

"I do not, i- it doesn't matter, please just focus–" There's a second of silence, then your name and a string of curse words fell from his lips, "They're here."

Your chest tightened. It doesn't matter how long you've been chasing down bounties, there's always a moment of fear that settles in your bones.

"Where?"

"South entrance. Three males, all human, all armed." 

Rocks crunch underneath your heel as you sharply turn to face south, "Three? Huh, I figured there would be more, I'm kind of disappointed."

"Considering it's just you down there only armed with a blade, three is too damn many."

For a second you wish you could pull him into your arms, tell him it's okay with delicate touches. You can't though, so you settled on a soft 'I love you' and tried to gain the attention of the three men.

"I'm not drawing their attention." You're getting frustrated. Eyeing the closest clothing booth, an idea sprung to life, "I need to stand out more."

Grabbing a dress to change into, you head into the small fresher. You'll pay for the dress later, right now you're on a time limit.

"What are you doing? I don't have eyes on you." Din's voice is octave higher, a clear sign that he is beginning to panic.

"I don't think I'm in much danger inside the fresher, honey."

The dress is a little complicated to put on, multiple straps that seemingly do nothing functional, but it's definitely flattering on you. It highlights curves you didn't even realise you have.  

"Yeah, because pirates are known for their decency." Din grunted, eyes scanning every little crook and nanny around the small fresher,  "What did you even get anyway?"

"You'll see." You smirked to yourself. You're well aware you're attractive, Din tells you often, normally followed by a little worshipping, sometimes sexual, sometimes not. 

The dress has a slit which makes the knife strapped to your thigh easier to grab if needed. Which you hope it isn't, you're not in the mood for things to get bloody.

With a quick glance in the mirror, chasing away any lumps in the dress' fabric, you swiftly exited the fresher. There's shocked sputtering coming from Din's side of the comm. Your heart fluttered happily, satisfied with his reaction. Probably more than you should be, but heck it's not every day you get to dress nicely. 

When Din spoke again you could tell it's through clenched teeth, "What. Are. You. Wearing?"

"Oh, this old thing? It's just something I found." You smirked, sending a wink his way before sobering up, "I have eyes on them. I'm going to get their attention and try to lead them down a back alley." 

Din sighed, shifting to allow his weapon to follow your pathway, "Please be careful. I'd rather not spend the night stitching you up."

You hummed and couldn't hold back one last teasing smirk, "Is there something else you'd rather be doing tonight?"

"Don't get stabbed and you'll find out."

You blushed, cheeks burning a pretty pink colour, "I'm holding you to that, babe."

Unfortunately for you, things did end up getting bloody. Fortunately for you, you didn't end up getting stabbed. 

You dropped the last guy just as Din came barreling down the alley. You have your boot pressed against the pirate's chest underneath you, not that it was necessary since he's unconscious, and your knife is sliding back into its holster with a flick of your wrist. 

You beam up at your husband, hand gesturing to the three unconscious men around you, "What do you think? Not bad huh?"

Din shook his head, voice almost urgent, "Are you hurt?"

"Not a drop of blood," You reassured him as you used the man underneath you to clean off the dirt on your boot before stepping back, "Might have some fancy bruises tomorrow morning but that's expected." 

With a sigh, Din started gathering the men up for Greef to come deal with, "I'll apply some Bacta when we get back to the ship. I want to be gone by nightfall, I'm afraid Peli might file for adoption papers if we're not back soon."

She wouldn't but the thought of it made you laugh, "Hey she can have split custody if that means we can take a trip to Sorgan." You bumped your hip against Din's as you pass him, "How about you wait here for Greef and I'll go return this dress."

A hand quickly wrapped around your waist stopping you from leaving and your face is suddenly inches from Din's. Your husband kept a hand around the back of your waist as the other slowly trailed up your spine. 

Your breath catches, pupils blown wide. Your both not normally one for public display of affection, but the way his helmet quickly fogs over at your warm breath has you not caring.

Finally his gloved hand reaches the top of your spine and your dress is yanked back, a quiet snapping sound hits your ears. You pulled back from his embrace with a frown.

Din brought his hand around and hanging from his thumb and index finger is a small cardboard rectangular object, "You can't return things without the tag."

You can't help but snort at his antics, "That's not how that works, babe." 

Din shrugged, "Maybe not, but we have roughly thirteen hours before we touch down on Tatooine and I want to see how pretty that dress is all spread out on our bed."

And fuck, you just saved their planet, at the very least they owe you a dress.

[celestie0]

i've always wondered have you ever given the y/n in your fics a personality description? like everything about her just ties the whole story together yet the reader can actually, embody her in some way?? that's one of the things that makes your writing so enjoyable to read and i've always wondered if you see yourself in her when u write ;

IDK HOW TO EXPLAIN IT BUT i hope u know what i mean 💔💔

love u loads btw you're like my comfort writer as we speak

GASP i have neverrr actually, i dont think i’ve formally sat down n really given any of my characters personality descriptions i just kinda have a vibe of them in my head haha but this has intrigued me 🤔 I KINDA WANNA MAKE EM NOW!!! (i hope this is what u mean by character descriptions btw hahah)

kickoff reader.

i think she is a little self conscious at times, easily affected by things going on in her life, definitely tries to bite off more than she can chew, and she’s an anxious avoidant until she can’t take it anymore and becomes overtly confrontational instead alskdjdh i think this can be seen in the way she confesses to gojo, in her interactions w kai, and then also her turning down the newsletter job before she realized it was actually a good opportunity, etc etc. when i write for her, i kinda wanna give the vibe of tired college student that has a lot going on in her head n in her heart, but she’s slowly starting to learn to live again and is looking forward to life after college (aka me all of my senior year loool) i think she has a pretty neutral personality overall :0

in holy matriphony reader.

omg i haven’t written much for ihm reader yet but i already ADORE her so so so much based on what i’ve got planned for the series, and i think i understand her the most of the oc’s i’ve made. she is someone that gets crazy tunnel vision, can only really focus on one thing at a time, often neglects her other responsibilities if it means getting The Main One done, she is hella jaded because of all the financial stress, work stress and caretaking stress which means she doesn’t have much of a filter anymore, she’s very cynical and pessimistic and easily irritated and prideful BUT…..deep down she’s a huge softie and is actually very self aware of her flaws n just really wants to get better but she just can’t find a moment to breathe…im gonna enjoy writing for her bc i think she’ll come off irrational and a bit over the top at times, but in those soft moments, she’ll be very down to earth :)

in another life reader.

aww i haven’t had too much written for ial reader yet, but in my head i picture her as a veeeery soft spoken, sweet natured woman in her older age (she’s engaged to nanami, who i imagine has mellowed her out in comparison to when she dated bad boy choso lol), idk i think she’s kind of basic 😭 not that that’s a bad thing at all, i kinda wanted that dynamic of crazy rock star lifestyle choso mixed w simple lifestyle reader (for when they meet again later in life). when she was younger, she was highly impressionable, often thought she was more mature than she actually was, n loves veeeerryy deeply, so much so to where old scars hurt even after years and years. i think she always tries to do the right thing, but bc of her conflicting emotions, she has the capacity to cause a lot of hurt

AHH idk this is just the vibe i get from them or try to encapsulate while i write them, and i also totally think readers can have diff interpretations of them than me and still be accurate about it (idk as the author i don’t feel like i even know everything ab my own stories sldkdjdh at times i feel some of my readers know more than me haha)

i think kickoff reader is the most confusing in my head, but i like it that way because i suppose she’s the youngest and she’s in college and it makes sense for her since she’s figuring herself out

i definitely do see myself in all of them!! i have certain attributes i share n some that i don’t. for example i don’t think i’m as brave as kickoff reader (to pursue passions or confess to a boy so brazenly or slap tf outta someone at a bar LOL) and i don’t think i’m as crass or no-filter as ihm reader for example, but i definitely relate to certain aspects like the tunnel vision, anxious avoidance, and stuff like that!! but i still try to make them their own characters i suppose, but it really depends on how i want their personalities to mesh w the love interest as well

GOSH THIS IS A LONG FUCKIN ANSWER MY BAD i was just so intrigued by this ask xD i’m soooo sososoossooo happy to be your comfort writer and that you enjoy my works 🥺💕you guys keep my passion alive n i’m always so grateful for you all <33 have a wonderful day/night!! 🧚‍♀️✨ilyy

[envyq00]

Minor Update!

I don't really know how to actually start this but heyoooooooo! It's been a while and I've been on and off but I'm officially back again!

I know I say I'm coming back a lot but I do legitimately mean it this time! XD I've had a LOT of stuff on my plate to deal with but I'm trying to take everything one step at a time.

I got a LOT of new art to share so I'm happy to get that started tomorrow!

Overall, it's been a really strange and tumultuous time for me but it's beginning to mellow out somewhat. I've been trying get back to enjoying making art and such and recovering from kinda the absolute emotional black hole I was in last year. It's gotten a lot better since then but y'know. Recovery still takes time.

In any case, I'm not sure if I'll get back to making Stanley Parable stuff soon. Part of my funk was subconsciously forcing myself into making content for the engagement it got me and while I do feel myself going through the withdrawal of not having a whole bunch of engagement like before, I think it's ultimately healthier. It helps to get me back to making art I'm currently interested in. That being said, I WILL return to it but in my own time. Not gonna rush things too much.

That being said, I'm hoping everyone is open to seeing more of my other stuff! Phantom of the Opera is probably the biggest thing on my brain at the moment so be prepared to see some of that XD. I also really want to share more of my OCs as well!

And once again, I'm kinda planning to share more casual writing on here. Kinda like opinion pieces/reviews of stuff and headcanons a bit more freely. (One of the things about me that I've realized is that I really held myself back bc of my perfectionism and unnecessary need to prove myself in fandom spaces so no more of that.)

Anyway, I'm rambling. I'm excited to start kind of a new chapter here on Tumblr! As bad as my experience of a lot of personal stuff was last year, it's definitely taught me a lot in how to approach things this time around this year! And I hope y'all continue to join me in this journey. 😁😁

- Vi

[domsaysstuff]

DOM, MY FAVE!

43, 53 and 11 💖

AHDRI MY LOVE 💕

you are my fave too 🥺🥺

43. Do you take a sadistic joy in whumping your characters, or are you more the "If you hurt them I would kill everyone and then myself" kind of person?

Okay so I know I don't show this a lot in my work now, but I do occasionally need to put a character in a situation™, like I'm sorry bby but you need to suffer BUT I always kiss it better with the comfort

Right now I don't do that as much but when I was younger and used writing as sort of a ground to dump all my negative emotions on Dean Winchester got put in situations™

But like I've gotten less angstier so now I'm more mellow and I stick rather a lot to the feelings of bittersweet or just fluff in my stuff at least I did, i have some things planned for my fics tho so *shrugs*

53.How do you spend your time when it comes to fanfiction? Are you primarily a fic reader, writer, or a perfect 50/50 split of both?

Ohhh, so I'm definitely more of a fanfic reader than writer

I love writing, I do, but I get demotivated really quickly if I don't have some force pushing me through and I rather just get like BIG URGE to write and then I do it, also I'm a slow writer (in a way that I don't write anything for a month and then suddenly I write 6k words in the span of 24 hours)

And reading fic is just easier, since I've always been an eager reader and I love fanfics and i'm going to be honest it's rare I don't read at least one fic a day (it can be a 2k one shot but still)

So I'm more of reader than I writer

11. Link your three favorite fics right now

Blooming Oleander by @wiccawrites

Gosh, this is so fucking good, like I love this fic so much. I love how they write omega!kinn, the subversion of the usual omega!porsche alpha!kinn is so well done here, because although Kinn is an omega his personality is still well matched with the show and I've been along for the updates this fic for like so long, particularly since idk the fourth chapter?? And every update is a blessing, I absolutely fucking love the way the main relationship is handled - it's the perfect blend of banter and tenderness and horny, fuck it all relationships are potrayed so well - like Kinn - Chay interactions give me life, and just everything abt this is so good, the political plot is so well done just *chief kiss* and the worldbuilding is so good, ahhh this fic makes me want to just squeal in joy

Fake love and Hennessey by @yeetlegay

I LOVE THIS FIC, gosh the way Yeetle writes Kinn just makes something right in this universe, like I don't know it's just right

Also so much smut and the way, the smut fleshes out the characters and ahh I'm enjoying the little plot tingles too and also it's so well written?? I adore the writing style, it makes me want to write more myself

I reread this fic atleast five times and every time was a fucking treasure, it's funny, it's horny, it's soft, it's just *bites the fic, bites the fic, bites the fic, bites the fic, bite-*

Blue Blood by @ahdriking

Ahdri you know you must be here, like if you wanted a compliment you could have just msg me on discord babe ;)

I adore Ahdri's way of writing, she writes smut and violence in such a interesting, unique and captivating way that just makes me want to scream

Like I know I come into her inbox a lot about blue blood to scream but honestly everytime I wish I could be one of those people who eloquently comments about tje parts of the chapter that they like in like a hinged way that sings praises of the text because Ahdri deserves long, coherent comments full of praises

But all I can do is incoherently scream in her inbox and hope it's enough

Like this fic is so good, it's fucked up, it's convoluted, it's smutty, it's witty, it takes the characters and says "hey what if i just... *fucks them up a little more*" while also still staying somehow true to their canon characters, just darker and ahh, ahhh,ahh

The smut is just so good but also the plot, it has the most detestable villain but hating him is kind of fun?? Also the fights are so well written, like it's almost like you get the adrenaline rush yourself

So safe to say it's very fucking good

Thank you so much for this ask babe, i hope you have a fantastic day/night 💞💓

Come ask me questions!!

[adwiral]

DRUNK?

Warning: Mentions of Alcohol abuse ... "Just one drink, gonna keep it mellow" ━━━━━━ 🥂 ━━━━━━

━━━━━━ 🥂 ━━━━━━ He was never the drinking type, well - he had a beer every once and a while with a friend or something more. But it never went as far as one special night that sometimes still comes to his mind. Vegas Miles, a detective in the modern day London - a tall blonde with so much responsibility that it was shocking when he agreed to his friend Valentin inviting him to a club for drinks. - Responsible night for a polite fellow Say hello to my friends and comrades Don't tend to offend so I say perhaps Just two drinks, as a social courtesy We can raise a glass to our past fraternity And certainly a perfectly normal informal get together But it's been forever since we gathered so whatever -

Two Drink's wouldn't kill him, it didn't matter what was thrown at him as long as he promised himself never to go past the two drinks. Plus, it gave him a reason to talk with his friends from work without being stuck in the, 'Business Formalities'. Valentin would eventually offer Vegas another drink, - Just three drinks, for the sake of the old times Proceed with tequila shots with a dish full of cold limes The whole nine, laughing remembering all the old lines Never used to work but I could give 'em another try Just four drinks, y'know, take the edge off I've had a hard week, I deserve to get sauced Pick up another round as my friends depart and They may not stick around but I just got started Feel so much better than usual I feel indisputable I think that I might be beautiful -

He didn't even really notice that his friends were leaving, one left, and then another, and then all that was left was a half smashed Valentin and himself. Valentin could definitely down more than he could ever but somehow he was still able to go more than Valentin was able to at the moment. Could he have been bar hoping before this? Oh well. At least he could still stand? - Just five drinks, fuckin' treat myself! Pour the Dom Perignon from the back of the top shelf Spend like God put on airs to sell it Crowd pretends not to care but I know they're jealous Just six drinks, let slip the dogs of war Gonna start a fuckin' riot 'til I'm tossed out the front door Zero to sixty I can turn on a dime, I'm hitting bottom And I'm feeling like committing a crime - He could have sworn that he saw his husband, but that was impossible, he was away, Zhao wouldn't even think to look here for him. Vegas was never this hard of a drinker, was it maybe the loneliness? God he felt like he was high, which in some cases was fine - he had been so stressed so taking this edge off felt so much better. "Maybe you should slow down." Vegas heard Valentin speak to him softly - and Vegas wanted to reply but somehow his mind was more focused on ordering that next drink. He really /should/ stop but, really, it felt like he was addicted on some sort of feeling from it. - Just eight drinks, maybe I've lost count? I can't remember the night, what I drank, or the amount I'm fading in and out, my very consciousness is cRumm..bling SorrY?, was I saying some..thing...? -

Vegas heard Valentin speak to him again, trying to get the older detective to leave with him. But he honestly couldn't figure out what Valentin was even saying to him, everything was sort of starting to blur into the same conversation. Wait, what was he talking about again? His body felt a bit heavy - maybe he should stop? No, he still had another drink being set down in front of him. Did he order that? He honestly couldn't remember what he'd just done about 3 seconds ago. - Twelve drinks, strolling out of the hospital Is it hair of the dog if you stay drunk and don't stop at all? Another night losing it more than I can afford Was I just feeling bored? Am I that insecure? - Now came the crash, what /was/ he doing? He wasn't supposed to still be here, when did Valentin leave? Was he still here or did he just wander off somewhere else? He couldn't see him - no, he couldn't really see anything. The red lights were all blending into the same blur of random pieces. His head was really starting to pound, almost in beat to the music blasting in the club. "Vegas." He heard Valentin's voice again, ah, so he didn't leave where did he wander off to? He felt Valentin's arm wrap around his own waist and he pressed against the younger male and felt the world spin again. "I Feel so much better than usual, I feel indisputable... Oh But now I'm feeling so beautiful, Don't wake me up from this spell I'm under if I'm still breathing. I know that I will be ugly when I feel like myself again... But now I'm feeling so beautiful" Vegas mumbled a bunch of words that felt like to him were easily able to be understood but for the male he worked with it sounded like complete nonsense. Valentin looked a little worried but sighed deeply, What did he get himself into when inviting Vegas? - Bottle of scotch served on the rocks with a shot of Cachaça Vodka, Sake kamikaze with a handle of sherry a Cherry brandy with a Jaeger chaser champagne float A bourbon hot toddy in teacup of throat coat Martini, Bellini, Negroni, Baileys, Kahlua, Sambuca Soju, paloma, mojito, gimlet, Frangelico, Guinness Tequila, Manhattan, a margarita, old fashioned Dry vermouth and something I can't taste 'cause I'm so trashed - He didn't even remember where he was, Vegas couldn't put two an two together. Valentin was basically forced to carry around a whole body attached to his own. He didn't even know if they were leaving or just standing around, the room was moving, and he thought that he was as well. But maybe not? - Soldiering over I'm slower shoulder to shoulder with no one Stumbling sobering making friends with a smoker I know I'm less than upright, losing the fight with the ground Then someone hits the lights as they close for the night now - Valentin assisted with helping Vegas out of the club, setting Vegas up against his car, Valentin went to go find a taxi or uber and left Vegas leaned against their cruiser. Perhaps this really was a bad idea, but at least maybe Vegas would learn his lesson? - Try to look at heaven and I can't see the stars A billion trillion eyes are winking as I walk between parked cars Metabolizing liquor while I'm losing my friends I'm gonna hate myself tomorrow..... then I'll do it again - ━━━━━━ 🥂 ━━━━━━ Thanks for Reading! It was a sort of quick story I wrote, I was listening to this song and thought that it fit one of my characters really well. I do love doing some more edgy stories once and a while involving this guy. Vegas Miles is really quite the sweet soul, but sometimes he can get himself into some really dumb situations when his husband isn't around.

[hyunsuks-beanie]

Changbin NSFW Alphabet

Mellow speaks: Changbin is here!!! I've had two requests for this, one from a lovely anon and from @zuhosworld. Thank you so much for waiting loves, and I hope this meets your expectations!! Keep the requests coming bc I love writing for you guys xoxo.

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex) The biggest cuddle bug ever. The moment he comes down from his high, all he would want would be to lay his head on your chest, being the small spoon as your legs entangle with his. Sure, cleaning up would be a thing, but not before he has cuddled with you to his heart's content. Sweet nothings and smiles would most definitely be a part of your after-sex sessions, soft laughs erupting every now and then as one of you teases the other. B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s) When it comes to himself, Changbin is quite a fan of his butt and thighs, loving the way they support his body whether he's dancing or having sex with you. He really loves it when your wrap your legs around his hips, or better yet, when your place your hands on them for support, adoring the feeling of your skin against his.

He loves everything about you, but your breasts definitely take the prize. There's nothing he likes more than having his head buried between your boobs, latching his lips onto your nipples and sucking on them for hours. He finds it to be a really nice way to unwind and relax even when you're not having sex, your hands stroking his hair as he sucks off you.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically)

Changbin really loves it when your body is coated with his seed, and so, he often makes it a point to cum directly against your skin instead of inside you. Whether you are in front of him, giving him head, or under him as he rams into you, he likes to pull out just when he is on the verge of his climax, squirtong his release all over your torso, your face, or occasionally, your butt. A work of art, he likes to call it.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs) Owing to his massive nursing kink, he really loves having you wear those kinky bras that have cuts more than fabric and reveal more than they hide. He just adores the way they make your boobs look like a delectable dessert, and often indulges in buying you a new pair, so much so that you now have a whole wardrobe just for such bras. Apart from looking pretty on you, they also help fulfill his needs of sucking on your breasts, the cuts getting rid of the hassle of taking the fabric off before he can latch his lips onto your nipples.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?) Changbin definitely isn't the most experience guy in the room when it comes to sex, but that doesn't mean he isn't aware of how to show you a good time. He's a quick learner, and it won't take him long to become well-versed with all the spots on your body that have you arching your back and curling your toes. He knows what he wants, and he is aware of his best features, meaning that he'll happily use them to his advantage whenever required.

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying) Any way which lets him play with your boobs without any trouble, whether its him on top of you or vice versa. But he has to admit that he's slightly more inclined towards being the one on top, since it allows him to easily bury his face between your breasts and suck on them while he continues to thrust into you. G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc) Being the baby that he is, sex with him is definitely hella goofy, corny jokes being cracked and soft whines escaping his lips when you tease him. He can't help it, it's just in his nature to become the one being babied no matter who the elder one in your relationship is. And I hope you enjoy it too, because he really doesn't plan on changing things up. I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect-) Changbin really cherishes the intimate moments he shares with you, and never once does he fail to tell you how much you, and sex with you, mean to him. His way of making things special is being cute, and in the confines of your bedroom, he really doesn't hold back, making you want to squish his cheeks even when he thrusts relentlessly into you. J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon) Changbin typically isn't one to masturbate too often, but when he does, it's usually during practice, hiding himself away in the washroom. More than once, he has begged you to send him nudes, even if it's just a picture of your boobs, only to feel himself get hard at the mere sight. What ensues is an intense ten minutes inside the washroom, as he jacks off to your photo. K= Kink (One or more of their kinks) Nursing kink, nursing kink, nursing kink. Oh and did I mention nursing kink? Changbin practically worships your breasts, and he is proud of his fetish, even if you find it embarassing. He could go hours on end just sucking on your boobs, having your hands entangled in his hair or stroking his length as he drifts off to sleep. He also has a huge mommy kink, and if you're the type to be a dom, then he most definitely is your man. Even if you aren't really into being the dom, he would still encourage you to take the lead every now and then, and would purposely try to annoy you just to have you "discipline" him. L = Location (Favourite

places to do the do) Since sex with him mostly involves him sucking on your boobs, Changbin prefers to do the do inside your bedroom itself, where he can have you all to himself without anyone walking in. But that doesn't mean he won't be open to having sex at other places, and will agree in a heartbeat if you ever come up with an idea. At the same time though, he will make you promise to let him suck on you once you do get home though. M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going) Need I say this, when the answer undoubtedly is going to be your breasts? Just sit down on his lap, showing him a little bit of cleavage, and before you can say "Thunderous," he will have you pinned down, your top discarded to the floor as he begins sucking on your nipples, his member rubbing against your heat as he attempts to get himself excited, well aware of the fact that you're horny for him. N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs) Sensory deprivation. He just seems like the type to want to be able to fully experience everything every time the two of you have sex. Even if you do manage to convince him to get a blindfold on, he will most likely start fidgeting around mid-way during the session, eventually taking it off altogether. O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc) He definitely is full on into giving, his mouth working wonders on your core when it's not doing the same on your breasts. His tongue sure knows how to make you feel things, the hours spent sucking on your boobs manifesting as the best attention your pussy could get. He also loves to have you wrap your lips around him, helping him release his stress when he's too worked up about something. More than once, he has jerked off to the thought of you giving him a blowjob, and most times, you are more than happy to make that imagination a reality when he comes back home. P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.) It's somewhere in the middle most of the time. While the actual process of thrusting into you is sufficiently fast-paced, it's the buildup that actually takes time, with him loving to take his time showing love to your chest, and soft jokes and giggles being shared as he rams into you. Things might turn slower if he wants to make things more romantic, especially if it's an anniversary or something similar. On the contrary, they can turn really rough if you manage to get him sufficiently pissed off. Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.) As I said just now, Changbin likes to keep the pace somewhere in the middle, wanting his sweet time to suck on your boobs and pussy alike. That being said, he will resort to a quickie when he wants a quick release, especially when you're annoying him or getting on his nerves. Nothing much, just him thrusting into you incessantly and mercilessly till he cums, with no regard whatsoever of whether you reach your climax or not. R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.) He loves experimenting, especially when it's something like costume play or roleplay. If you're into it, he might even agree to other things like mild BDSM (mostly with you being dom) or sex at public places and the like. S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…) At least two rounds on most days, not including the foreplay. He is absolutely in love with your body (read: your boobs), and will not want to rest until he's satisfied with the amount of loving he's shown them. A single round with him can last anywhere between 10-30 minutes on an average, but he typically cums much sooner if you're riding him. It just makes him weak, or so he says. U = Unfair (how much they like to tease) Changbin typically isn't one too tease you too much, and instead, it's usually the opposite, with you being the one that teases him. That being said, he does like to spend more time allowing his mouth to work wonders on your breasts and your heat, often leading ro him unintentionally denying you his dick because he's having too much

fun. V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make) Changbin is decently loud inside the bedroom, especially when he's sucking on your or eating you out, or when you're the one riding him. His sounds most definitely are the cutest in the world, soft whines escaping his pretty lips whenever he's having too much fun giving you pleasure, or when he's the bottom and you tease him. X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants) It's Changbin we're talking about, of course he's huge. And by huge, I definitely mean huge. He can totally send you reeling with his length every single time. He'll admit it, he wasn't all that into keeping himself too well-groomed until he actually started being sexually active, but now he's pretty neat to look at. Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?) Changbin is always fantasizing about having your body over his, his dick moving in and out of your beautiful pussy while he buries his face in your breasts. He often finds himself getting hard at the mere thought, and you can rest assured that once he gets home, he's not letting you go anytime soon. Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards) He falls asleep pretty quick, especially when you let him rest his head on your chest, stroking his hair with your hands. He does try to stay awake for a while though, talking with you and praising how good you are at everything you do. But in the end, he's out within ten minutes of having sex, a soft smile taking over his lips as he drifts off to dreamland.

[ddarker-dreams]

Oh I see, by getting a rise out of her do you imply that Feitan will physically/sexually harm her or torture? Or just psychological/verbal stuff? I could definitely see Chrollo taking on the "good cop" role here in spite of being the orchestrator of everything in order to get her to submit to him lol

As for reader being a threat, they could just keep her drugged. I feel so bad for reader of this fic, especially since I'm a little attached to your HWR oc/reader and you've humanised her so much through her unique personality and affection for her siblings.

i was thinking a lot of verbal psychologically based prodding, at least in the beginning, to try and establish how chrollo and feitan expect this new setup to go. things might "mellow out" as time goes on and it looks like HWR reader isn't scheming, but there would always be this underlying tension. feitan would definitely get a thrill out of playing with the edges of her clothing just because of the threatening nature of it, like running ghosting a hand over her thigh/playing with the collar of her shirt ... he wants to see what reactions he'll get.

you're right about chrollo trying to act like the better person in this scenario though 😭😭 HWR reader really isn't going to buy it, but he is better to hang around than feitan a majority of the time... by a very slim margin.

IT HURT MY SOUL MAKING MISS AVALOR SUFFER SO... while she is by no means a good person, i adore her . she's very loyal and protective of the select few she cares about, would do anything to ensure their happiness/safety 😔 it especially hurt after writing the resolution to her character arc with ash, who she had been unable to properly express her love for because she's got the emotional intelligence of a walnut.

hearing that you've grown attached to her though makes me happy <3333 that was my masterful plan. HWR reader's the first morally gray MC i've written, and as such, i was worried if you guys would be able to empathize with her since her moral compass is rather askew hjketgmr especially since i had zero intention to write her a redemption arc. she grows not in becoming a better person, but by being more honest to herself and the select five or so people she likes .

[kikoqueenofrats]

Jellybean headcannons [You be here]

Parcore arc antagonists headcannons [https://kikoqueenofrats.tumblr.com/post/681082166991536128/jellybean-headcannons]

Noogia quartet [https://kikoqueenofrats.tumblr.com/post/681150516670185472/jellybean-headcannons]

After all this time I've finally finished the refs!!

Now I'm gonna be posting in bursts to avoid long boring posts cuz I'm going to be putting stick specific headcannons in here as well.

This post is gonna be about the colour gang! Let's get into it!

cw scars

Jellybean Creation

RGYB were made by a tired university student hoping to kick off their game making career with a reinvented take on the simple stick figure fighting game.

They gave the sticks powers and tried to put in game mechanics to help make the game more complex. But being the only main creator of such a complex game became too much for the tired university student so they got rid of the complex mechanics and the sticks powers and just made a simple stick fight game instead. However the sticks powers are still there, inside the tangled mess of code that is their bodies.

Blue was created first, being the most developed of the group his powers are more prominent. They were going to be able to create and manipulate ice shards (Think Todoroki from MHA) but after the idea was scrapped Blue’s ability became somewhat innate. The only indication that he did have ice powers is the fact that he is cold to touch.

Green was made next and she was given super speed. Causing her to have a lot of unused energy that she gets out by stimming, running around and making a lot of noise, she is also the fastest out of the stickfigures.

Yellow and Red were created pretty closely together.

But Yellow was still made first.

She was going to have lightning manipulation, since she wasn't as developed however her "innate" powers aren't as prominent. Only really appearing if she gets shocked...She hardly notices friction shocks, though she definitely notices bigger shocks.

Red was going to have super strength, but since they were made just as their creator was losing motivation for the project they are practically a normal stickfigure. Their "innate" powers only really affecting their fight style.

Because their game is online, there is a possibility that there are more RGYB’s out there. However for the sake of my sanity I am only going to be focusing on Alan's RGYB.

Jellybean Refs and Headcannons

- He created the rainbow arm bands after the events of AvA 4. He just wanted to make a nice gift for his friends.

- They are the most mellow of the group. He prefers calmer activities like the slow bubble of potion making or the growing of gardens.

- He is the one most likely to hold a grudge against someone who hasn't worked to his standards to change after doing something unforgivable to them or their friends.

- They have a dark sense of humor

- She has high standards, a competitive streak and an eye (and ear) for art.

- It's not that they're better at everything, they just put more emphasis on when they're better at something

- Green, being the perfectionist that she is, cannot stand art forms with large margins for error (like painting or knitting).

- They are very open with their emotions, to the point that it may come across as whiny to others.

- Yellow likes to work on projects late at night, when no one else can interrupt her and to also chase away the nasty thoughts that seep into her mind.

- He likes to explore every inch or anything he finds interesting. Seeing what it can do or how far it can go, to the point of it or something around it breaking.

- She's more likely to react in anger to a distressing situation rather than bursting into tears.

- He is very prideful and loves patting herself on the back for a job well done.

- Very energetic and caring. The most forgiving of the group.

- They bottle up their feelings and then explode.

- They have little impulse control.

- They feel a lot, but it's usually too little or too much at strange times.

aaannnd that's all folks! For now that is- MAN Tumblr loved eating posts...let's hope this sends huh hfhdf-

[rimouskis]

yes, it’s been a wild ride. i don’t know much about hockey or sidgeno(?). i mostly keep to fic because this fandom has a lot of good content and i love it. i’ve been trying to find sidgeno content but it’s very few and limited? i see the general appeal, but i do wish someone would give me a crash course lol

It's funny, in a way, the evolution of sidgeno. I've only been around for 5 years, but... they have been an eventful 5 years, that's for sure.

Depending on how you slice it, we're a juggernaut in Hockey RPF (11% of all Hockey RPF on ao3, the highest percentage of any ship), but in terms of tumblr engagement, yeah, I suppose we are a bit small. It's hard for me to have much perspective on it; it's been a LONG time since I've been in a major fandom that has more than 27k fanworks on the archive, so I'm used to it.

Regarding tumblr presence specifically, we're totally a small corner. Hockey fandom experienced a surge of interest from omgcp in 2016-2017 and then there was a mass exodus after a long series of ethical failings from several angles (as well as, like, just general fandom lifespan? lots of [especially young] people spend 2-3 years in a fandom and move on, so that's normal) which specifically led to a lot of pens fandom drying up in quick succession despite the new fans brought in from the repeat.

I think we're starting to pick up steam again. Hockey fandom on tumblr these days (TO ME) seems more varied re: which teams people like. Tons of people are fans of multiple teams, which was rarer back when I started with hockey in 2016. Also, our mean age is rising too, I believe, which helps mellow things out. Everything is pretty decentralized and tucked away... and we even have different subsections! Like, sidgeno fandom is already a subset of Penguins fandom. There are people who write player/player fics, there are people who write y/n self-insert fics, there are people who don't do any of that...

It's not a huge fandom sandbox, but honestly I've found that smaller fandoms can just be... nice? It isn't universally true, of course, but I've come to enjoy it here even if the ao3 tag isn't popping off and I can recognize almost every URL in the fandom. It has its charm!

And as for a crash course, haha, it reminds me of the old early 2010s primers! I was talking about this with a few folks a while ago about these primer-like essays and how while there are a few newer (but... about old history) primers floating around tumblr about sid and geno (and elsewhere: one, two, three), it feels like most sidgeno fans have obtained our knowledge through reading fic, reading sports articles about the Penguins, and watching things [games, documentaries, TV specials].

There's been a big shift (from 2014-era sidgeno fandom to 2021-era sidgeno fandom) in characterization, but it also means it can feel like there's a high barrier to entry; not only do you have to figure out hockey, but you also might have to dig through outdated information to figure out who the "characters" are. We also definitely don't advertise a lot as a fanbase, which means there often aren't many "here's the ship/thing I like, let me tell you about it!" posts.

I also think we lack BNFs, which is actually healthy. BNF culture has really died out in general over the years, but I think it's better for fandom culture and lowers the barrier of entry for new creators (there's less pressure! Everyone is always happy to see a new fic!) But the lack of huge, influential personalities means that we don't have those "advertisers" to bring in new people.

Upsides and downsides to everything, right?

I have a very meager fic rec here, wherein I link a much bigger fic rec by another blogger, but a lot of sidgeno fandom stuff seems to be transfered by osmosis... you just have to hang around for a while and you'll figure out what's up and what style of fic you like and which writers you jive with :)

We're a good bunch, I think. There are just really a lot of cool people around this neck of the woods.

Edit: anon, in the notes of this post @icedbatik makes some WONDERFUL suggestions. she's one of the most friendly, kind folks around here, and she's right; pop into the DMs with people. it's real easy to make some acquaintances and eventual friends!

[breakingsomething]

the fall part fifteen - the topic of forgiveness

basic summary: marvin does an emotional speedrun. chase attempts an apology. a storm is coming.

trigger warnings: mentions of medication, hypnosis

tagslist: @synonymsforzombie @spicydanhowell @skyewardlight @dreaming-of-stories-and-stars @cest-mellow @graveyardlettuce @lower-your-expectationss

marvin had had hangovers before, but this one was just awful.

the hotel was nice though. someone that he assumed was staff had brought him toast and apple juice, which he was immensely grateful for. it helped his headache ease. then he'd spent the morning psyching himself up for getting up and going to face his brothers again, which he really didn't want to do but knew he'd have to eventually. he supposed he couldn't avoid his responsibilities forever. ugh, everything hurt.

"what was the name of the man who paid for my room last night?" he asked the receptionist as he finally worked up the energy to check out. the woman smiled at him, the computer screen lighting up her face as marvin waited patiently, clinging to the desk for support. he was tired as shit. maybe he should have taken advantage of the free room and slept longer, but he knew his brothers would be worried. he wondered how many frantic texts they'd sent him before remembering anti had stolen his phone. the thought shouldn't have been funny. yeah, he needed a nap.

"it was… anthony berlin," the woman told him, pushing up her glasses as she looked at him. marvin nodded. he didn't recognize the name, like he'd expected. a small part of him had thought the interaction between them had seemed very familiar, but of course he'd been drunk out of his mind. he probably was just imagining things.

"thank you," he said gratefully, and flashed a small smile at her as he left. this hotel was pretty nice, actually. he wondered how much it had cost for a room, but decided not to ask that as well. once outside, the cold air practically slapped him in the face. well, that was one kind of wake up call. he should definitely go back home now.

he didn't.

he walked to naomi's instead. she'd managed to move back yesterday, though the shop was closed and likely wouldn't reopen for a little while. he went up the fire escape and knocked on the side door, whistling sharply to let her know who it was. it took her only about a minute to answer, and marvin breathed a sigh of relief when she did.

"why are you on my fire escape?" was the first thing she asked. she looked different from the last time he'd seen her; bags under her eyes, hair yanked back into pigtails, fringe hanging in her face. "i mean, good to see you. uh. yeah. good to see you."

"good to see you too," he said softly. he tapped his shoes on the metal bars, avoiding the thin vines that had woven themselves through them. he cleared his throat and glanced back up at her. "do you wanna go somewhere? the beach, maybe? we could go sit at the gazebo and get fish and chips? or -"

"fish and chips sounds good," she interrupted. a grin split her face. "let me get dressed very quick. i'll be out in five minutes."

five minutes later, they were on their way down the steps and towards the high street, talking casually like the events of last week hadn't happened. it was only once they'd arrived at the shop down the street that naomi quietened, lowering her head and silently taking marvin's hand.

"they're going to start me on carbamazepine," she murmured. "that's usually used to treat epilepsy, but it's effective for bipolar as well. the lithium wasn't working anyway, so they're easing me off of it. i should be good in a month or so."

marvin blinked, then smiled wide. "oh - naomi, that's great!"

she snorted, turning her face away so he couldn't see her grin. "yeah, i suppose. i'm - i'm sorry about my breakdown. i know i must have scared you."

he squeezed her hand gently. "you're ok. i've… i've dealt with things like that before. henrik sometimes has flashbacks and barely recognizes us when we try to help him. we're always there for him, and i'll always be there for you."

naomi's lips parted, and her eyes flickered away. "oh, uh - thank you. thank you, marvin, i… ugh, i don't know why you put up with me sometimes. but thank you for it."

they each got a container of fish and chips, then walked to the gazebo, grabbing a spot on the benches. "you'd think there'd be more people here so early on a - what day is it?" marvin said as they ate. "thursday?"

"i think so," naomi said. she threw a chip across the ground, and above twenty seagulls immediately flew down and began fighting over it. "lost track of the days. they're all the same, anyway. boring." she glanced at marvin. "unless you're visiting. those days are easier to manage."

marvin went silent, staring at his plastic fork. it was a minute or so until he spoke again. "are you really ok? now, i mean. i imagine that - breakdown, was, uh… something that'd been building up for a while."

she sighed, crossing her legs over each other. "i guess. i do feel better, yes. i'm going back to therapy and i believe new meds will help a lot. i just… it scares me, the way my magic exploded like that."

marvin hunched further over himself, resting his elbows on his thighs. "has that happened before?"

"mm-hmm," she hummed. "never to that extreme, but yes. i suppose that happens when you - when you're bottling up so much emotion inside of you. you can just explode."

she kept talking, but marvin was staring down at his food with unfocused eyes, suddenly not hungry. he had lashed out at chase with his magic. had that been why? maybe marvin wasn't as composed and put together as he thought he was. maybe. but he was supposed to be the big brother now. he couldn't afford any explosions like that again.

"- anyway, what's been happening with you? it seems all i've talked about is myself," naomi was saying. marvin jolted, snapping back to attention guiltily with wide eyes. naomi giggled at the look on face. "daydreaming a bit there, pyro?"

he laughed. "maybe, maybe. sorry. i'm - doing fine, yeah, fine." he decided not to mention the storm or anti or his own magic explosion. she didn't need more stress on top of her own. "do you wanna walk down to the beach? i'm sick of sitting still, and we've been here for like, ten minutes."

"sounds about right, you adhd ridden bastard," naomi joked, and they set off again, chatting about nothing the way they always had. it made marvin's head hurt. something about how… how usual, how samey this was. it was like the past three months hadn't even happened. like it was april and they'd just celebrated chase's birthday and jackie had come home with a huge cake, having forgotten henrik was supposed to be getting it, and chase had ended up with two cakes that he'd shared with the kids and even stacy when they'd come round to give them his presents. marvin remembered on that specific day they'd sat out the back and ran about like idiots for a few hours, even some of the adults. jackie had lifted louise onto his shoulders and marvin had taken connor, and they'd raced up and down the garden, stacy occasionally yelling for them to slow it down before they got hurt. a few neighbourhood kids climbed the fence to play with them, and eventually it had turned into a right party, every one of them laughing so hard their chests hurt, the heat of the sun making them all dizzy and warm. it had been such a good day. and to think that all that time, anti had been chained up in jackie's makeshift base under that shop, tortured and hurt. just the thought of that made the memory sour. why had that been better days?

"you know, everything's been so strange lately, hasn't it?" naomi said, stirring him from his thoughts. they had arrived at the stone steps down to the beach, and naomi was walking down the wall with her arms outstretched so she wouldn't fall. "ever since you, uh, found anti. like, there was the veil breaking, the resurface of the black magic people, that weird ass storm…" she stumbled, then leaped from the wall to the sand of the beach. "a lot has happened in just three months."

"yeah," marvin murmured, kicking sand into the air. the wind blowing off the water was salty and cold, messing up his already scruffy hair. "it's all shitty! all shitty. let's just… let's run down to the bottom of the beach and then go back up towards the park." he glanced at naomi, grinning. "what do you say?"

naomi's eyed flashed with mischief. "i say... i have a head start," she said, then took off running like a child, sand flying behind her.

"hey!" marvin called. he raced after her, the wind roaring in his ears, nearly slipping on the unstable ground several times. he caught up with her right as she reached the second flight of steps. "that was - that was cheating, you asshole - rematch, rematch!"

"catch your breath first, pyro," naomi grinned. they sat at the top of the steps next to the park, the grass still wet from the rain. marvin doubled over and rested his head on his knees, breathing hard.

"you're - terrible," he gasped. "swear to - god, i'm - gonna - get you back."

"pfft. you wish." she ruffled his hair, and he gave a small shriek of annoyance. she laughed at his reaction and leaned back to look at the sky, laying her back on the grass. "it's getting dark already. think it's gonna rain again?"

marvin laid back too, facing upwards. the sky was getting very grey, black clouds rolling in. "maybe," he agreed after a moment. "hopefully not for a little while."

they just rested in each other's presence for a while, warm and comfortable. "i missed this," naomi murmured. "just sitting doing nothing like this. it feels like i'm always doing something these days."

marvin nodded, yawning contentedly. "yeah, i get the feeling. so much shit always going on." he raised his hand to the sky, twirling faint strands of magic round his fingers, small and controlled. "i just wanna run around and do random bullshit again."

the wind rustled the trees, people playing faintly in the background of the park. it was a while before naomi spoke. "do you think raymond's alright?"

marvin startled. he had barely thought about raymond since he'd been taken, mostly because the memories hurt and he didn't like to think. a small stab of guilt hit him, and he turned his face, cheek touching the cold grass. "i dunno," he mumbled. "i hope."

the truth was, raymond had now been missing for almost a month, and hecate was starting to lose hope for finding him. marvin never thought he'd say it, but he hoped he'd be ok. the two of them had been really close, once. and as much of a dick as his ex was, marvin didn't want him in the hands of jackie.

"remember the day we met?" naomi said. she raised her arm next to marvin's, and several dead leaves flew off the ground to rotate round her hand, visibly getting greener and brighter as they spun. "you were running from him cause you owed him money. you ran into my shop to hide. that's how you set my door on fire, ha!"

marvin found himself giggling at the memory. "oh my god, yeah. and i was hiding under the cash register bit while you told him to fuck off in swedish? holy shit, that was fantastic."

naomi's arm shook with the force of her laughter, and she bumped into marvin, resting their hands together in the air. "i wish you could have seen the look on his face, he was raging. i suppose we have him to thank for us meeting, actually, which is very weird." she turned towards marvin, dark eyes twinkling. "that's pretty funny, when i think about it. the irony, ha -"

she froze. marvin opened his mouth as if to say something, but just licked his lips and swallowed, mouth dry. was she implying what he thought she was?

"can i kiss you?" he said without thinking. his heart was pounding so hard he could feel it in his fingertips, which were now entertwined with naomi's. he wondered dimly if she could feel his heartbeat.

"i'd like that," she whispered.

marvin leaned forwards, eyes fluttering shut, and pressed his lips to hers before quickly pulling away. "shit," he giggled, covering his face with his hands. "i've forgotten how romance works."

naomi laughed. "no, you're doing it right." she rolled over and bumped their noses together. her breath was warm, chocolate eyes sparkling like stars. "this is peak romance. kiss me again."

and he did.

-

the yelling started as soon as he got in.

"where the fuck were you?"

"henrik, calm -"

"chase, i told you to let me -"

"no, i told you not to be an asshole!"

marvin just stood there and took it. he couldn't be bothered to say anything back. really, it was amazing how quickly a good mood could dissipate in this house.

"jesus, marvin, are you even listening?" henrik cried. his face was blotchy, hair mussed like he'd just been asleep. he poked a finger into marvin's chest, face screwed up in anger. "you didn't come back for hours, you sent us one bullshit text saying "oh, i'm taken care of for the night," and then you don't message us again! what are you playing at?"

marvin sighed, closing his eyes. "i never texted you, henrik."

"- and you even think you can - you what?"

marvin winced at how cold henrik's tone had gone. "i didn't text you," he said, loud and clear. "anti stole my fucking phone. i spent the night in a hotel then went out with naomi. is that ok by you?"

henrik blinked, mouth falling open. "you - i - i thought you'd gotten your phone back! who texted us saying you were alright if -"

"don't know, don't care," marvin muttered, before pushing past henrik and standing in front of chase, speaking to him only. "i'm sorry i lashed out. i should have been more in control and i shouldn't have gotten so upset."

"no, i was being the asshole," chase sighed. he leaned against the oven, bouncing on his heels and biting his lip. "i was mad about something else and took it out on you. i'm really sorry."

marvin nodded. "well, then that's settled," he said. "problem solved. i see no more reason for us to fight anymore."

"i - what - no!" henrik spluttered. his glasses had fogged up with his anger, and he quickly took them off to wipe them. "i'm not done -"

"i don't give a shit." there was no warmth in marvin's voice, no emotion at all. "i'm done. i'll see you guys later."

and with that, he raised his chin and matched out of the room, head held high until he got to his room and collapsed against his door, trembling and eyes stinging.

he sighed softly, breaths shuddering. maybe he should have asked naomi to borrow her phone so he could message his brothers like he'd originally planned to do. to be fair, he'd gotten a bit preoccupied. a smile spread across his lips, and he gently touched them with the pads of his fingers like a lovesick teenager. well, something good had happened today. something different. maybe that was what he'd needed.

-

"i'm going for a walk."

henrik barely looked up from his computer. "sure. go for it." then he blinked, suddenly softening and looking up at his brother with tired, pale blue eyes. "and… be safe. are you alright?"

"mm," chase grunted, already yanking on his jacket and pulling on his boots. "i'm fine. i'm gonna - meet lucas, actually. i should be back soon."

henrik pursed his lips, nodding slowly. he glanced back towards his screen, but his eyes kept flickering back to chase, concern etched in his face. chase ignored it. he had shit he had to do.

he needed to apologize to lucas. in person. he'd already texted him, but felt like he owed him a real life apology for running out on him like he had. chase had no clue what he was going to say - sorry i freaked out when our faces got too close, i have childhood trauma relating to my sexuality that's scarred me for life - but lucas had agreed to meet him next to the train station, and chase was already rehearsing what he was going to say in his head. hopefully they could be friends again after. he'd hate to lose a friend to something so dumb.

"sir! excuse me, sir, sir!"

chase whipped round at the sudden frantic cries. running up behind him was a man with curly black hair and a long coat, freckled face pale and panicky. he stopped and doubled over, trying to catch a breath. "i'm sorry - but my - my children, my two sons, they've disappeared and a woman down the path told me she'd seen them come up here with some man - have you seen them?" he was shaking, eyes wide with alarm. "please - i can't lose them, please help me!"

chase made several stuttering sounds, fists clenching and unclenching at his sides. his chest tightened in sympathy for the man; chase had lost his own kids before, and he could feel the man's panic in his own heart. lucas was going to have to wait. "i haven't seen them, i'm sorry," he said, and the man sobbed with dismay. chase held up both hands, stepping forwards. "but i'll help you look for them! they came this way?"

"yes, yes," the man cried, his scottish accent thickening with tears, swiping at his face. "i asked several people, a woman with a pram told me she'd seen two boys, black hair like mine, coming this way. i'm - i'm so sorry to bother you, oh god, i'm just so sc-scared…"

"hey, it's ok," chase comforted, flapping his hands awkwardly. "i'll help look. come on, let's see what we can find."

the streets were oddly empty. strange, it wasn't even six o'clock yet. "what are your kids names?" chase asked, attempting to distract him.

"dolos and apate," he babbled, tripping over his shoelaces as he walked. "they're twins, seven years old, my wife chose the names because she loves names that mean things. she died recently and there's been - there's been no one else to help me look after them…"

"i'm - i'm sorry," chase said, eyes scanning his surroundings as they got deeper into the city, farther away from the train station. "uh, what's your name? i forgot to ask that, i'm sorry."

"ronald," he said, getting farther away from chase as he walked faster. "i know, such a difference from my kid's names - fuck, i don't know what i'll do if i can't find them!"

"sl-slow down!" chase wheezed, clutching at his side. ronald paid no mind and raced round a corner, disappearing from view. chase cursed silently. "ronald - be careful!"

it was only when chase turned the corner too that he realized something was wrong.

in front of him was was the music shop. silent aside from the blowing wind, birds cawing in the darkening sky. ronald had completely disappeared, and all chase could hear now was his ragged breathing and the blood pumping in his ears.

"ronald?" he said softly.

a sudden, blood curdling scream suddenly rang out from inside the store.

chase wasted no time. he took off like a shot, shoving the doors wide open and darting inside. "ronald?" he cried, bouncing round the room looking for a door. there was nothing, just a small back room that was completely empty apart from a charred guitar. "ronald, where -"

and oh, shit. there was a door behind the place that had once probably been a cash register, slowly opening to reveal what looked like a white hallway, where chase could hear faint screams emitting from.

his first thought was to call the police. he dialed the number as quickly as he could with shaking fingers, waiting for someone to answer. eventually, after far too long, someone did. "hello?" came a man's cockney english accent. "brighton police, what's your emergency?"

chase quickly filled them in on the situation, all the while walking slowly closer to the white door. he felt like something was drawing him closer, calling him, even. "that does sound serious," the policeman was saying, somewhere far away. "do you know if the man is alright? he's screaming, yeah? well, that's not ideal. maybe it'd be best to go see he's ok."

"yeah," chase mumbled softly. his head felt like it was full of wool. "maybe i should."

he could hear the policeman laughing as the phone slipped from his hands.

the hallway was painted white, no doors or windows, slanting downwards to a large silver door at the end. and it was the sound of the door behind him slamming shut that snapped him out of his strange trance, eyed widening with the gravity of the situation as he realized he was somehow trapped.

"hey - hey, let me out!" he screamed, sudden panic filling his veins and making him immediately lightheaded. "no, no, no, this isn't funny, let me out, please, please let me -"

"chase," came a familiar irish accent. chase took a sharp breath, not daring to look. not daring to turn towards the source of the voice he hadn't heard since the owner of it had threw him in the air with black magic. "chase, i want you to listen to me."

-

someone was tapping on marvin's window.

now, the problem with this was that he was on the second story, maybe ten feet off the ground. he hauled himself off his bed, shoving his laptop to the side and blinking away his headache. he'd been so caught up in messaging naomi that he hadn't even noticed the room had gotten dark. it had probably been staring at the bright screen that had caused the problem. he yawned, rubbing his temples, and threw open his curtains to see -

"oh, you're fucking shitting me," marvin shouted. he threw his hands up in the air, staring at the man who was somehow ten feet in the air, clinging to a pipe with shaky fingers, grinning proudly as he looked in. anti tapped the window again, managing a small wave before gripping the pipe again.

marvin shut the curtains.

the frantic banging started up again straight away. marvin rolled his eyes and opened the curtains again. "what do you want?" he asked flatly, glaring at anti hugging the pipe tightly. he was pale and trembling, soaked through from the rain, nose bleeding with a bruise over one eye.

anti made a face and attempted to mouth something. marvin furrowed his eyebrows and shook his head, not understanding. it was harder to tell what he was trying to say with no tongue in his mouth. eventually, marvin managed to decipher it. "you got mugged?"

anti nodded. marvin gave a despairing sigh and dragged a hand down his face. "ok. give me one good reason why i should trust you."

anti opened his mouth again, but suddenly his fingers slipped and he nearly fell, scrabbling to find a foothold so he wouldn't be left dangling in the air. his breathing visibly quickened, and he shook his head rapidly, mouthing one word over and over. marvin couldn't tell what it was, but he could also tell that anti was absolutely going to fall if marvin didn't let him in.

part of him wanted to shut the curtains and just let him go. another part of him wanted to open the window and smack anti's hands off the pipe himself. and another part of him, a much more depressing part, just didn't want to see anyone hurt anymore.

"you're so pathetic," marvin said flatly. anti nodded solemnly.

with a dramatic eyeroll, marvin pushed open the window, reaching out an arm to pull anti inside. anti gasped with relief as he left go of the pipe and tumbled to the floor, slamming his head off marvin's desk. marvin didn't move to help him.

anti groaned in pain. but by the time he'd sat up, marvin had a glowing hand held in front of his face. "this is a damage spell," he growled, pressing his other hand to anti's chest. "i've just wound up all the power based magic in my body and compressed it into my hand. i will not fucking hesitate to shoot this through your goddamn skull if you so much as touch me or my brothers at any point. i will eviscerate you. do you hear me? i will eviscerate you."

anti nodded again, eyes wide. the second marvin let go, he scrambled back into the wall, breathing heavily and clutching at his neck.

marvin narrowed his eyes, lowering his hand just slightly. "now. tell me what you're doing here or i throw you back out the fucking window."

anti didn't even attempt to respond. he just stared at marvin's lit up hand, his pupils dilated. he swallowed, almost completely unmoving.

marvin sighed and shook the magic from his hand, distributing it throughout his body again. "fucking hell," he muttered, and sat back on his heels. "hurry up and talk. i'm getting sick of the sight of you."

anti blinked and raised his hands to sign, but they were shaking so badly he couldn't seem to move them properly. marvin frowned and touched one of them, yelping. "fuck - you are so goddamn cold, how are you even alive?"

he paused, then tugged down anti's right hoodie sleeve, making him flinch. his wrist was still somehow bruised and painful looking. "how did you even do this, anti?" marvin despaired. "i'm just - fucking hell. how did you climb up in this state?"

anti's eyes had gone slightly unfocused. he didn't appear to be listening. marvin groaned. "here - do you have my phone? you can communicate using that."

anti shook his head, and marvin sighed again. "didn't expect so," he muttered, and went to get his computer off his bed. before handing it to anti, he held up a hand in warning again. "break this and you die. i'm not fucking playing around."

anti made a face and slowly flapped his hands in a circle, trying to warm them up enough to type. "the phone and also your kitchen knife got taken when i got mugged," he wrote slowly into an empty google doc. "sorry."

"of course," marvin sighed. "of course. so what do you want?"

anti hesitated before writing the next part. "can i borrow your computer?"

marvin didn't even have any words. for a moment he just stared at anti, open mouthed, before raising a hand and slapping him across the face.

anti yelped loudly and made an exaggerated what the fuck face. marvin curled his hands up with rage, digging his nails into his palms. "you - you, you - you fucking dare even -" he was shaking with anger, tears picking the backs of his eyes. "oh, you fucking infuriate me!"

anti attempted to write something again, but marvin cut him off, slamming his laptop shut. "no. get out. get the fuck out. i don't know why i decided to let you in here. get out."

"wait!" anti signed quickly. "i'm trying to -"

"no!" marvin cut off. "i don't want to hear it -"

"i'm trying to find -"

"i'm giving you ten seconds to get out or -"

"i'm trying to find dapper!"

marvin froze at that last sign. anti looked like he wanted to retract his statement as he saw the look on marvin's face. "you fucking what?"

anti shrank back briefly before sitting up again, trying to regain some scrap of dignity. "i've been looking for dapper," he signed, keeping his eyes trained on marvin. "he's nearby, i know he is, and i -"

"if you think we're letting you near him ever again," marvin said quietly. "you're wrong."

they were interrupted by the sound of anti's stomach rumbling loudly in the quiet room. anti winced and pressed his hands in on his stomach, trying to silence himself. "hungry?" marvin asked with a raised eyebrow. anti flushed, rolling his eyes. he shook his head, removing his hand from his stomach. it immediately started up again and anti hissed through his teeth, curling in on himself.

"i should… probably get you food," marvin said quietly. he still had no clue why he was doing this. why he was giving anti second chances. he breathed in and out, trying to calm himself again before speaking. "fucking hell, why am i even bothering…"

he stood, blowing air out his cheeks as he thought. "you're not staying the night here," he said firmly. anti looked like he wanted to protest, but lowered his hands after probably a second of self reflection. marvin nodded, satisfied. "and i'm not letting you use my computer. especially not for - that. but i will get you food and water and an ice pack for your wrist, cause you're really pathetic and as much as i despise you, i don't wanna find your body on the floor of a bus shelter one day. you got all that?"

anti bobbed his head slowly. marvin glared down at him. "now, stay quiet while i get you shit."

anti's shoulders slumped down, and he gestured to his mouth, making a face of seriously?

marvin groaned. "i mean it, anti. shut the fuck up. if henrik finds out you're here, he'll kill you. and i will let him. got it?"

"fine," anti signed, glancing away. "i'll shut up."

marvin grabbed the doorknob and shook his head. "i can't believe i'm trusting you again," he muttered, before opening the door and immediately coming face to face with henrik.

for a moment, neither man said anything. then henrik started. "trust who again?"

marvin's heart was racing. "uhhhh… myself?" he nodded quickly, his palms suddenly sweaty despite the cold. "giving myself a pep talk. you know, gotta stay on my toes." he laughed nervously, and he hoped anti had had enough sense to duck out of sight in case henrik peeked in. henrik glowered, and for a moment marvin was completely convinced he knew. then the other man lowered his gaze and sighed.

"ok, sure. marvin, i'm - i'm sorry i was an asshole to you. we can't keep going in fucking circles like this." he laughed softly. "not to sound like that arschloch. honestly, i hope he's suffering in the rain out there. i can think of no one who deserves it more."

marvin winced. "uh, yeah. i'm just gonna -" he gently pushed by to get down the stairs, desperately praying that henrik wouldn't look in his room. "i'm gonna make food. 'scuse me."

"marvin," henrik called, and marvin briefly screwed up his face before turning round again. the doctor was looking down at the floor, wringing his hands awkwardly. "i - i'm genuinely very sorry. i know i… didn't sound sincere before. probably because i wasn't being sincere. but now i am." he took a sharp breath between his teeth. "i think we should stop fighting. put all this anti business behind him. i think we can now both agree that anti is an untrustworthy bastard, right?"

marvin bit the side of his lip, guilt welling in his chest. "mm-hmm," he hummed, beginning to step down the stairs. "i'm - sorry too. i am. thank you for… yeah."

his heart pounded as he darted through the house to the kitchen. and as he started on making a sandwich with a packet of crisps, he wished and wished jackie had never picked up that fucking necklace.

-

"jackie," chase said, voice unsteady. "jackie, i don't - i don't… i don't understand."

jackie nodded slowly. both his hands were raised next to his face, covered by a pair of gloves. red hoodie, mussed hair, goggles on top of his head; he looked almost the same as he always did. but chase knew this wasn't the same man he'd once called brother. the blue of his eyes had turned a solid black, and although chase couldn't see his necklace, he knew it must be underneath his shirt. he wasn't even wearing the thick glasses he could never see without. chase took him in, heart pounding in his ears.

"just listen to me a second," jackie said softly. chase nearly sobbed at his voice. "please. i need to -"

"where's ronald?" chase demanded loudly. his eyes darted back and forth, looking for any other way out of this tiny hallway. "and i've - i've called the police. they'll be here soon."

jackie sighed, then tapped the back of his gauges. "come in," he murmured, and suddenly the silver door behind him opened up, two people stepping through. one was ronald, dead eyed and stiff. the other was a tall blonde man chase didn't recognize, wearing a trench coat and holding a bat. jackie gestured towards each of them respectively. "chase, this is rhudy. and this… this is aaron, our dear policeman. also my boyfriend."

"'ello, 'ello, 'ello," aaron said in a mocking tone, flashing chase a grin. ronald - rhudy - didn't move. just stared straight ahead without any expression on his face. chase felt sick.

"you tricked me?" he spat. "you - this - this is the boyfriend that hurt henrik?"

aaron rolled his eyes. "no, i'm one of his many other boyfriends. i'm the one he saves specifically for when he needs someone to pretend to be a policeman."

jackie turned and shot aaron a glare before turning back to chase, softening. "i want to talk to you. there was no evil intentions behind this, i swear. i just needed you to listen."

"this is where you kept anti," chase managed. his lip was quivering, and he blinked hard so he wouldn't cry. "this place, this weird b-base of yours - why? i don't understand. and why him?" he waved a trembling hand towards rhudy. "what's wrong with him? why does he look like that?"

jackie took a step forwards, just slowly. "i built this place to hold anti, yes. very high tech, but i had help." behind him, aaron straightened, tilting his head up proudly. "and rhudy is - no one important. well, he is, but not to you."

chase shook his head, fear pulsing in his veins. "why's he so… dead looking? why did you lure me here?"

"well, to answer your first question… he is dead," jackie explained, like it was nothing. "i killed him. accidentally, of course, and i didn't realize until recently. this is his soul you're seeing. i control it." he lifted a hand, and rhudy immediately followed, blank faced. jackie smirked. "like a little puppet. remember when anti was younger and always called us his puppets? oh, the sweet sound of the tables turning… warms my heart."

chase's breathing quickened, his stomach rolling. he could taste the bacon tortellini he'd eaten for lunch in his mouth again. "you - he - jackie, that's so fucked!" he squeaked, ashamed of how wavering his voice was. "that's so fucked, i - what do you want from me? answer the question!"

aaron opened his mouth, but without even turning round jackie held up a hand and aaron silenced himself, huffing and leaning on his bat. jackie looked suddenly serious. "chaser, i want you to believe me. this necklace - it's… corrupting me." his hand drifted towards his collar, and he clutched at something beneath his hoodie. jackie winced in pain, and chase's heart tightened. his brother looked up, desperation visible in his dark eyes. "i want rid of it, but i don't know h-how… i feel like something bad is taking over my mind, m-making me do things… i don't want to be like this. i don't, i don't." he shook his head, screwing up his face. "i'm so sorry i hurt you."

everything about this screamed danger. but chase found himself taking another small step forwards, lifting a hand to touch jackie's arm gently. "i knew it wasn't you," he choked out. "i told marvin and henrik. i told them. i said that you were still in there, that your magic was just hurting you - i'm sorry i doubted you, i'm -"

jackie suddenly pulled him in for a hug. chase didn't even hesitate, just immediately melted into it, clinging to his brother like an anchor. jackie was cold. he had always been so warm.

"i'm sorry," jackie whispered, voice cracking. "i love you, chaser, i love you with all my heart."

"i love you too," chase sobbed. he opened his eyes briefly, and looked at aaron and rhudy. rhudy didn't move or react. aaron was looking at his phone, bored. he glanced up to give chase a small, wicked smile, eyes glittering.

"tell me you really love me," jackie said. there was something in his voice that instantly put chase at ease, making him relax in jackie's arms, warm and sleepy.

"i really love you," chase murmured.

jackie's grip tightened on his back. "tell me you'll obey."

"i'll obey," chase said, even quieter.

jackie pulled away, smiling and facing chase head on. oh, his head was spinning. he felt so empty, his thoughts gone. "good," jackie grinned. "good. now listen closely."

he leaned into chase's face. "you're going to go straight home and forget you ever saw us, or that you came to this store at all," he whispered, voice dripping like honey, filling chase's head. he nodded sleepily. jackie smirked even further. "you're going to wait until i tell you i need you. understood, chaser? nod again if you understand."

chase hummed softly, bobbing his head mechanically. "i understand," he said flatly. "i understand."

jackie pushed him away gently, turning chase towards the door and opening with a few button presses. "by the time you've left the store, you'll have forgotten everything," jackie told him, his voice far away. "remember what i told you. i love you, chaser."

true to his word, by the time chase had gotten back out into the now pouring rain and the colour returned to his eyes and face, he didn't remember a thing. had he been planning to meet someone? he didn't think so. no, he needed to go home. go home and wait until he was needed. needed? needed for what? his thoughts screamed. chase shook it off. fuck, he had forgotten to take his meds this morning. must have been why he was so confused suddenly. it must be.

he hummed to himself the whole way home.

-

anti was right where marvin had left him. leaning against the wall under the window, shivering and burying his face in the curtains. marvin sat down beside him. "made you a sandwich. it's, uh, bread and butter with like, a full bag of cheese and onion crisps. i also have a bottle of water. it's tap water. and a pack of ice." he placed the last one on anti's wrist under his sleeve. anti sat up, hissing through his teeth at the pain. his eyes darted back and forth across the room, and marvin frowned. "are you alright?"

scowling, anti nodded, yanking his hand away and pulling it close to his chest. silently, he grabbed the water bottle and clingwrapped sandwich and stuffed them in his hoodie pockets, not meeting marvin's eyes.

"you're welcome," marvin said sarcastically. anti rolled his eyes and tried to push himself to his feet, managing to get onto the windowsill again.

"yeah, you'll have to go back out the window," marvin deadpanned. anti scrunched up his face, and marvin pushed him aside to open the window again. "i know, it's terrible. but like i said, i don't want henrik to see you."

anti made another face as the sound of pouring rain picked up ever louder through the open window. marvin threw his hands up at anti's reaction. "what? what is your problem?"

anti just shook his head and swung his legs out the window again. "i don't know how the fuck to climb down," he signed, glancing down to the floor below. marvin huffed loudly.

"don't care. have fun." he tapped anti's shoulder, making him flinch. "don't come back here again, ok? fucking christ."

anti rolled his eyes and grabbed hold of the pipe again, giving a small gasp of pain as he clung to it with his injured hand. marvin only watched him go for a moment before straightening and wandering back to his bed, flopping down and pulling his computer back onto his lap.

there was a sudden yelp and a loud thump from below.

marvin immediately leapt up again and raced to the window. anti was on the ground, flat on the grass. "fine!" he signed up at him, giving a thumbs up. "fine!"

he staggered to his feet, swaying painfully. marvin huffed and slammed the window shut again, closing the curtains. this time, he definitely didn't look back.

-

chase came home an hour later.

"how was your meeting with lucas?" marvin asked with a supportive smile. henrik had filled him in on the situation, and he was going to try and help chase as much as he could with it. "did it go well?"

chase blinked, resting an arm against the doorway. "meeting with who?" he mumbled. then he shook his head, mouth falling open slightly. "oh. oh, oh, oh shit. oh shit!"

marvin furrowed his eyebrow in confusion. "chase, what? did you - did you meet up with him?"

chase palmed his forehead, groaning loudly in despair. "i didn't, i meant - i forgot, christ, how did i forget that?"

marvin gaped. "you forgot? how do you forget - how do you - isn't that what you went out for in the first place?"

"yeah!" chase's eyes were wide with sudden panic. "yeah, how could i forget? i just walked around and then came back, i must've gotten really lost in thought - oh fuck, he's gonna hate me, marvin!"

marvin placed his hands on his brother's shoulders, looking him in the eye. "chase, bro, calm. it's ok. we're all very preoccupied, this is heavy shit we're dealing with recently. just tell him the situation." he lowered his voice. "have you looked at new therapists? you just seem so spacey lately."

chase nodded slightly, bringing his head forward to rest on marvin's collarbone. "mm. i did. i promise i'll show you later… i'm tired, marvin."

"i'll help you upstairs," marvin said softly. he knew chase sometimes got like this where he randomly forgot things; it was a symptom of depression, he knew. chase murmured something into his chest as marvin wrapped an arm around him, assisting him in stumbling out of the kitchen into the hall. he could hear henrik on a call with someone in his room as he walked by. "you just rest, drink water, feel better tomorrow."

and if chase noticed the tone change in marvin's voice, he didn't say anything. he definitely didn't see marvin's face crumple as chase fell onto his bed, drifting off almost immediately. and when marvin left the room, shoving his hand in his mouth to stop himself from crying out, he thought about how much he missed the days that henrik, jackie and jamie were all here together when chase got into states. how he didn't have to do it alone. something heavy sank in marvin's chest. he chose to ignore it.

don't cry, don't break. just deal with it and move on.

and he did.

[nanasrecovery]

September 13, 2020

Well things have definitely changed a bit since my last journal entry, so this is gonna be a long one. I spent a week back home with my family, and the first day back was, as expected, my most anxiety filled day due to a full to-do list and just adjusting to another environment. I had errands to run for the little celebration I wanted to have for Alisa, Jungkook, and Bronson's birthday, and had some bottle drop offs to take care of as well. I didn't really have time to myself, except when I was in the car, which isn't exactly my most anxiety-free space to begin with (which wasn't always the case surprisingly). I enjoyed being around everyone and even making our own pizzas from scratch, but when it came time to eating, my social anxiety & ED took over (mostly ED). I let him convince me that I shouldn't eat even though I was starving. I knew exactly what was happening, but still, I couldn't get myself to eat. So I tried my best to enjoy the night, regardless of feeling uncomfortably hungry.

The next morning, the negativity continued. First thing I'm greeted by when I come downstairs was a multitude of questions from my mom like "why didn't you eat last night? Why didn't you go to your room and eat? How come you're not telling me how you're doing?" And I know she's coming from a good place as a mother, but this is the kind of thing I wanted to get away from when I moved to Henrico. My eating disorder and anxiety is something my mom will never fully understand, or maybe even try to understand. I've had several conversations with her before on ways she can help me, and I mean really help me, not the ways she thinks she's helping me. For example,

Really listening to me when I talk about my struggles

Not using her own struggle with anxiety as the cure for mine

Trust me that I'm making strides towards recovery at MY pace

But of course, sometimes I feel like she only hears what she wants to hear. What frustrated me the most was she said, "you know how I deal with my anxiety? I eat". And I said "well if you would really listen to me, you would know that I can't do that. If I could, we wouldn't be having this problem right now." And that immediately just made me irritable towards my mom for the rest of my time home, unfortunately. Regardless of that exchange, I was able to eat breakfast and finished my entire pizza from the night before for lunch.

I already had a feeling that being home was gonna help my anxiety a lot, and regardless of the negativity from my mom, it really was. I'm so thankful for Jaron and that he's so understanding and helpful when it comes to my anxiety. He said he would get a ride back up to Henrico just so I could stay home longer, and I'm honestly so glad I did. I've realized how much being home is healing for me, atleast during these current times. When things were going well for me in the beginning of the year, I loved being in Henrico, but after covid hit and things completely changed, I wanted to be back home even though I never wanted to admit it. But I can't dismiss the fact that home is where all of my favorite people are, and some of the anxieties I feel up in Henrico just don't exist when I'm back home.

The moment that made me really miss being home was my absolute favorite part of my week, and something I want to do more often. I had an impromptu picnic with Alisa, Jessa, and Bronson at Chesapeake City Park and it was literally the most relaxed I have felt in so long. Not having technology in my face the whole time, soaking in the sun and breathing fresh air in an open field just felt so nice, and I was able to eat half a sandwich and some pretzels in front of them, which is the most people I've eaten anything in front of in a long time. From that point on, I really wanted to try and make positive steps towards recovery.

I had asked on Twitter and Instagram if people had used CBD products before and what their thoughts were, and I received nothing but positive responses. Ate Jackie had some CBD products she had that she wasn't using so I picked them up and tried them out (yay for not having to pay). The gummies actually taste so good that I would totally eat a bunch at once if they weren't CBD haha. But at first I couldn't really tell if it did anything, but after use over the next couple days I felt the effects, and I'd say it did help mellow me out! I eventually needed a stronger dose and told John about it, so he went to a CBD store and bought gummies for me and some oil for himself (thankful for you, John). The new gummies definitely hit me harder, sometimes I feel like I'm high cause I'm so mellowed out hahaha. Either way, I'm glad that I've found a natural aid for my anxiety since the medication route hasn't been the best choice for me since ED.

Over the next few days I really tried to spend time with people while still giving myself time to rest. For one, I got into Stray Kids, which getting into a new group is a Serotonin boost in itself haha, especially when my biases look like this

How can I not feel happy when I look at them?????

But throughout the rest of the week I also soaked up my time with Deedee, Megan, and even Marc cause they always put me in a great mood. Definitely one of my favorite parts of being home.

Regardless of being stressed due to watching my nephews and dodging my mom's questions or overbearing tendencies, I was able to eat the most that I have in a while, which was really nice, but also brought on anxiety simply because my body isn't used to it. I am still super happy and excited about it nonetheless.

Friday night I had therapy, and after spilling out basically everything I had written about up until this point of the post, she really helped me organize my thoughts and worries, and I just always feel better after therapy sessions with her. She reminded me that sometimes it feels like we're fighting against our family, but we're on the same team fighting against ED, and showed me resources that I could give my mom to help her understand my situation more. She also helped me ease some worries about Jaron and I's current situation of planning on moving back home due to struggling finances since covid (which I'll probably go into detail another day).

My week back home ended with a visit to my Auntie. She texted me earlier that morning that if I had free time to stop by because she had something for me. I had no idea what to expect, but when I got there, I must say it was nice seeing family. She gave me a devotional journal, prayer card, and small vials of Rose oil, sat me down and basically said "the reason why I reached out was because I dreamt about you the other day and I rarely dream about family. And the dream was so dark and gloomy that I wondered why and felt like I should reach out". She told me about her struggles in life and how she trusted God and continues to learn and trust in Him. I told her how, even though the past year has been so difficult, it really brought me closer to God. Prior to going to their house, I was feeling really sad and anxious, but after leaving I felt so much better.

I made my way back up to Henrico, and man I missed Jaron a lot. Spending the past couple days with him has been really nice, and I've eaten generally well while being up here. Unfortunately it's hard for me to be by myself in the apartment all week and not feel super anxious, so I told him I wanted to stay back home for a bit, and of course, he understood. So I packed up some things and I'll be heading back down tomorrow morning.

This past week helped me see things in a new light, and how things will never go as planned, but everything definitely happens for a reason. My struggles are preparing me for the blessings to come and I'm going to be 100000x stronger mentally, physically, and spiritually after all of this is overcome.

Here's to more steps forward, no matter how small.

[cindtrillella]

Am I the only one on the fence about Game of Thrones in terms of the plot, characters, etc.? Like i'm MADLY in love with this show but I do agree with certain points people who dislike D&D's writing?

So i'm gonna explain why on a court-based post. Judge asks if the show is still good. Prosecution saying yes, defense being no. Just gonna post why on each sides.

LONG POST. JUST BEWARE.

-

Prosecution:

• For starters, why are people complaining about how quick everything is going? If the show has 8 more episodes, what do you want them to do? Talk about the fucking flowers growing in high gardens? This shouldn't be a shocker. They've still gotta cover a lot of shit within 8 episodes.

• Incest has been in this show from season 1-7 and damn near half of Westeros is born from incest. At this point, why does this shock people? No ones shipping or supporting incest whatssoever, but seriously?

• Idiots who say that supporting Daenerys/Jon means that you support incest in real life is like saying that since we love watching war and killings that we support this in real life as well. You guys have got to come with a better defense than this. Its dumb. And boring.

• The people complaining about how quick people are getting to places crack me up. Jorah kidnapped Tyrion and rowed him to a completely different continent in 2 episodes. Daenerys said that Jon's boat ride to Dragonstone took 30 days. Why would the show film an entire time gap, which they've NEVER done before? With 8 episodes left, they've gotta get right to the point.

• My only defense for Jon possibly bending the knee is that his desperation for saving the North and humanity has always been straight-forward. He doesn't care about how desperate it looks. He's after one mission and has always been after it.

• Daenerys obviously doesn't fall in love with Jon over the course of six days. People watch episodes and think that the time gap is within a week, and these are people who've been watching the show from the start. You should know better. Jon has been in dragonstone for weeks according to Sansa, and took longer to get back to the Walkers.

• The contradictory statements that people make about Daenerys is so pathetic. People hate her for killing and not listening, but worship Cersei. Its a fucking war. What do you expect? Just say that you dislike her and move on. Lmfao.

• I think that Arya threatening Sansa was to fool Lord Baelish. I can't see Arya actually killing her sister over a disagreement.

• "Can't believe that Jon Snow fell for someone so evil" oh give me a fucking break. He fell in love with Ygritte who was a wildling that killed for sport and got exactly what she deserved. An arrow through the heart. Daenerys isn't HALF as savage as Ygritte was and if she survived, I could definitely see her harming him again if she didn't see what she said.

Defense:

• I've shipped Dany/Jon since season 4 when the two knew nothing about one another, but since they apparently date in the books, I think they should've spent this season quickly developing their relationship, then eventually married/had sex in season 8. People ship Jon with Ygritte more because they gave the couple 2 seasons to develop. I know they don't have the time, but yeah.

• Arya threatening Sansa? Seriously? These girls haven't seen each other in AGES and almost right away, their arguments are going a bit too far. Even their reunion was trash. Sansa's reaction to seeing a sister that she thought was dead was a C- in the emotional department, which is completely out of character for her.

• WHY DID THE GROUP THINK THEY'D BE ABLE TO FIGHT THE WHITE WALKERS ALONE? LIKE ITS 7 AGAINST 10000000 AND JON KNOWS THIS. YALL SHOULD'VE NEVER SET FOOT BACK THERE UNLESS YOU HAD WILDFIRE OR A DRAGON LMFAOOOOOOOO

• Bringing a white walker to Cersei? Seriously? Considering that she conspired to kill Ned, Jon should've loosened his collar about meeting up with her. He says NOTHING like "That bitch murdered my father", "Hell no! She's betrayed me!" Nothing. Just, "Fuck it I wanna kill the white walkers lets go."

• I will admit that that scene with Tyrion telling Daenerys that Jon loves her was unnecessary. Like we know this already based on Sir Davo's hints. What's the point of wasting an entire scene to explain what's known? We've got 8 episodes like we don't have time for this.

• The ease that the others feel about going to see Cersei is a bit too mellow. All of these stories they've heard about her killing to get what she wants and they think its a good idea to go like she didn't just use wildfire to kill 1000 people.

• I know I just ranted about the time gap, but Jon Snow getting a raven to Dany in such a short period of time during the fight with The White Walkers was a major reach. I don't care how fast that boy ran. Unless he's the damn Bolt, nobody is getting to a pen and paper AND getting it to her in that short period of time.

• Jaime Lannister is so fucking stupid. Your father was gonna execute your brother, and you're surprised at Tyrion murdering him. Why the hell are you so angry about that? It was either Tywin or Tyrion.

• If Jon bends the knee to Dany, I will fucking riot. How the hell did you go from "i'm a king!" to "Fuck it take the North omg you're beautiful." Like it makes no sense. Daenerys already said that she'd fight for you. Why give her the north to add more icing to the cake that she already has?

• Tyrion's character has become COMPLETELY washed. Like if I started watching the show during this season, I would wonder how he's a fan favorite. Old Tyrion would've said "Fuck this shit, i'm out. She's not listening and I could be sleeping with a thousand whores." What's his purpose if their meetings consist of arguments and that's it? Send him back to Kings Landing with Jaime then.

Questions:

• Why are the episodes shortened? Why don't they just do 10 episodes per season so they can carefully plot these storylines? Everything's rushed.

Overall, I still love the show! I'm not Jonerys or Jonsa though because both fanbases are a little crazy tbh.

CHAT TELL ME YOUR THOUGHTS OR IF I SHOULD ADD ANYTHING. ILL LET YOU KNOW IF I AGREE.