#I've decided I'll go back to being normal in the morning but I'm giving myself permission to be unhinged tonight

[areyoudoingthis]

whispers other streamers are already interested to my sleeping cat at 4am in the morning

[fanfictiongirlie]

Twilight: Some Soulmate - Chapter One

Click here for masterlist

Parings: Paul Lahote x Reader

Description: Y/N a member of the Cullen family is imprinted on by one of the wolves, she is shocked, he is shocked. She is struggling with drinking animal blood over human, and he is disgusted by a vampire for a soulmate… But maybe it could work..?

Rating: General Audiences

Warnings: None

Words: 1,819

"Good morning" I smiled as I skipped into the living room, I wiped the blood from my mouth, my hunt was successful, disgusting, but successful. Deer blood will never quench my thirst, but to stay with my family this was to stay part of my diet. 

"Good morning Y/N, how was your hunt?" Carlisle, my longest friend asked me. I smiled weakly, I was so hungry. Esme appeared behind me, before I could answer, she placed both her hands on my shoulders giving me a tight squeeze. I always felt so loved when she was around, it relaxed me. 

"It was okay, better than last time" I answered. I was lying of course. I missed human blood more than I could even explain. I suppose one good thing that comes from only drinking animal blood was my eye colour, I must preferred the amber over the red. Of course the Amber still didn't compare to my human blue eyes. 

"Are you ready Y/N?" Alice asked me. I nodded and followed him and the rest of my siblings out the door. Luckily we were taking Rosalie's car today, I preferred her driving over Edwards. Luckily Edward was out picking his human up and taking her to school. 

I hated how Edward always smelled like her now, her blood was intoxicating. Jasper struggles too, I suppose it makes me feel better that I'm not struggling alone. I'm not sure how Edward copes. I remember when I had a blood singer, only once it had happened to me. Of course I killed him, I hadn't been a vampire long. 

We spent most of the drive silently, as we normally did. Then Alice turned back to me, smirking. 

"Guess what?"

"What?" I asked, I had an inking to what she was going to say. 

"Mike's going to try again today" She giggled.

I groaned, ever since we started at this school, two years ago, Mike Newton had tried, every few weeks to ask me out, and even though I'd say no, every time, he continues to ask. I wonder if he'd ever get bored. 

"A few months and then it's over" I smile, thinking of never having to go back to that place, I had decided this was the last time I'd attend school, at least maybe for a while. Luckily I was in the same school year as Rose and Emmett, meaning I could escape sooner. I also couldn't wait for people to stop telling me I look way too old to be in High School. Physically I was 21, way over high school age, but I had a baby face. 

We arrived at school to see Edward with his arm over Bella, I thought they weren't going to become a official thing.  I climbed out of the car.

"I'll see you at lunch" I smiled at my siblings before I set off inside the school. I had English first, a class I didn't mind too much. But of course Mike was waiting outside of my classroom, I'm sure he knows my schedule better than I do. 

"Hey Y/N!" He grinned happily. 

I muttered a small hello, he smelt so strongly of his aftershave, it was burning my nose. 

"Prom's coming up, and I was wondering if you wanted to go with me?" He asked, I pretended to take a deep breath. 

"No thank you Mike, I've said before I won't be going" I smiled sweetly, and then I pushed past him to get into my class.

~~~~~~~~

I didn't pay attention to the class, I knew everything that was being taught. Another reason why I was excited to leave, maybe I could get a job, or take another college course. I'm sure there's something I haven't read about yet. I found myself drifting into a daydream, I was excited for my life after school, but of course I'd have to stay close to the family, otherwise it would upset Carlisle and Esme, and I'd do anything for them. 

'It had been a few months since I had become a vampire, and I was leaving a long string of bodies behind me, it was so easy to keep going. No more would every suspect the woman who could easily bat her eyes and get away with whatever she wanted. It was the year 1887, I was 21. I was never meant to become a vampire, but one night, a man grabbed me, and started drinking my blood, he was going to kill me. But someone or something stopped him, and I was left to die in an alley. I was suppose to die in that alley, but a few hours late I woke up, changed. 

I was all alone, and so scared. 

Until a man found me, he was a strange man, I thought he was human at first, but just a second before I lunged I couldn't hear his heartbeat, couldn't feel the heat of his blood. I had never met another vampire. Not since I became one. 

"Who are you?" I hissed, my teeth bearing at him. 

"My name is Carlisle, if you'd let me, I'd like to help you" He smiled, I felt a warm feeling wash over me, maybe I could trust him?'

When I met Carlisle he took me in, tried to show me the vegetarian way. But I've struggled with it. After a few months with Carlisle, we realised I had a gift. Not a big one, but I can always tell what someone thinks of me, how they feel about me. It's how I could tell Carlisle was to be trusted. I can always tell if someone likes me, to dislikes me. It made hunting so fun, I could always tell if someone thought I was beautiful, it meant I could seduce them, and feed from them. 

It's how I can tell Mike only thinks I look nice, he doesn't care about anything else. 

Once class was over, and another class droned one, it was finally time for lunch. I had a blacked out water bottle full of animal blood. It was gross. 

I sat along side my siblings, except Edward, he chose to sit with Bella. I envied them almost.

Edward and I were the last two without mates. Now it was just me. 154 Years old, and I had never found someone who made me feel complete. My family had, and I endured seeing it everyday. I'm sure if my heart still worked it would be constantly breaking. 

I sipped my drink loudly, my siblings hated when I did that. I smirked at them and carried on..

~~~~~~~~

"Y/N" Esme called, I left my room and followed the noise coming from the kitchen, I walked in and was shocked. My family were cooking, actually cooking. 

"What's happening here?" I asked, watching them. I had no clue what they were even making.

"Edward is brining Bella here" Esme beamed, I rolled my eyes playfully at her, but then felt my throat burn.

"And I want everyone to be welcoming" She added. 

I put my hand to my throat and rubbed it absently. 

"Esme, I don't know if I can" I panicked "I'm worse than Jasper"

She pulled me into her arms and hugged me for a few seconds. 

"You'll be okay" I smiled at her, and stepped closer to Emmett. He was strong enough to stop me if needed. 

"Is she even Italian?" Rosalie asked. 

"Her names Bella" Emmett answered as if it was completely obvious. I started chucking at him, until I smelt it. 

Bella, her blood, it smelt amazing, intoxicating. I held onto the breakfast bar and tried concentrating. 

"Here comes the human" Rosalie sung. 

Edward and Bella walked in, Edward introduced her to Esme and Carlisle, and then brought Bella over to me. I wanted to kill him for bringing her closer. 

"This is Y/N, she's actually the third eldest in the family, after Carlisle and Jasper" He chuckled, but stopped when he saw my face. I'm sure he could hear me cursing him in my head. 

"Yes Edward, mention my age" I said grimly, but it gave me an excuse to walk out. I needed to hunt.

I left my house quick, and ran into the forest, I found something to feed on, and managed to get blood all over myself. I looked a complete state. I slumped against a tree, and sat. I sat and sat for hours, thinking, and making a weird little flower chain. I was quite content, and calming myself down. Until I heard a growl. 

I looked up, and jumped in fear, I jumped so I was clinging onto the tree a few feet off the ground. 

I heard the growl again, realising it was probably a animal, I jumped to the ground. I was still thirsty, perhaps I could find the source. Without a sound I slowly started walking towards the animal, I had picked up it's scent, it was foul smelling. No animal I had smelt before. 

I stopped, deciding to find a more appealing animal, until it jumped into the clearing. 

"Oh, it's one of you" I hissed, one of the shapeshifters. I hadn't seen this wolf before, not that I had seen many. He was dark silver, and was looking incredibly angry at me. 

I looked into its eyes, I wasn't sure if it was going to attack or not, but I wasn't going to make a move. Suddenly I felt something wash over me, a strong feeling of love and care, it confused me. I didn't understand what was happening, but the feeling was coming from him. 

"What's happening" I stutter at the wolf. The wolf looked scared now, he growled once more and ran off. I copied, and ran home, fast. 

"Carlisle" I screamed when I got close enough to the house. My family were outside the greet me, all of them worried.

"He imprinted on you" Edward suddenly said, I was still confused.

"What?" I screamed, they all flinched. 

"Imprinting is when a wolf finds their soulmate" Carlisle explained carefully 

"So a wolf is my soulmate? They hate us! They want us dead!" I yelled "Not to mention I'm not even allowed on their land"

I started walking towards the house, wanting to be away from everyone. 

"Some soulmate" I scoffed to myself, knowing the others could hear too. 

I walked into my room, shutting my door and locking it. 

I grabbed my laptop and started researching about the wolves, and their legends, and mostly about imprinting. Apparently it didn't happen very often, it was described as extremely rare. I didn't even know the wolf, I had no way of finding out who he was either. I wasn't allowed on their land, not that I was brave enough to even go close. 

To make matters even worse, I'm not sure there was anything I could even speak to about this.. 

Next Part

[kit-williams]

non Khorne canon

thank you @callme-cursed for inspiring me with this:

Khorne - Your father's astartes only got more temperamental with age. Small things seemed to become the greatest slight one could make against him. You left for your own safety quietly in the night. It was unfortunate to realize so late you were his favorite. Now he is on a war path to find you again.

And letting me write something that no matter how hard I tried just keeps turning lewd. I'm keeping him legion/chapter-less so that anyone can insert their favorite legion/chapter. (Since its lewd its why I'm tagging my usual people)

Normal taglist: @bispecsual @egrets-not-regrets @moodymisty @bleedingichorhearts @liar-anubiass-blog @thevoidscreams

tw: dubious consent? maybe noncon? Can read either way I suppose but either way you're getting dicked down. Written in 1st person because I have a problem

I get a notification on my phone about a break in at my apartment and the pictures show your family's astartis breaking in and looking around most likely barking for your name. He had started to act odder and odder... getting angry and aggressive with everyone especially with everyone around myself... getting far too affectionate and starting to bring me home trophies. I decided to stay at my apartment more it's why it's there because I am a big girl... but he wanted me at home where he could watch me.

I decided it was time for one of my hiking trips. I call dad just telling him what he's done and just that I decided to take a hiking trip for a few weeks. I've been doing it since I was sixteen... and even then sure I'd be hiking with him. I swallow as I have to keep going to get to that dry spot as the rain picks up.

I'll probably take a different trail then I normally do to throw him off my trail but I'm certain dad can wrangle him in... he's always been a stubborn astartis but just him being a big bully and him... I don't even know what to call it? Online people called it courtship behaviors... others said it was just being overly affectionate and showing which person is their favorite... the internet was no help in dealing with his recent mood swings and it scared me.

Sure he was grumpy when I was younger but now he was getting straight up violent and it made me feel so unsafe even if it never was directed at me or the parents; I just had to get out of there so fast. I've always hated confrontation and just I was always a coward. It would be fine....

But it was not fine... I run my fingers through my long hair as I read the text in the morning... Dad: ... hasn't come home. He might be going to look for you. I close your flip phone as I quickly pack up my camp knowing I have less and less time to get to the trail split and if I'm lucky he'll just keep going looking for me and then go home.

It was always so pretty the morning after a rain... the way raindrops clung to leaves, to moss, hanging suspended in spider webs... just a breeze shaking those drops free from their perches giving me another mini shower under a canopy. But I didn't have time to enjoy the relaxing bit of nature as I headed quickly to the split and when I finally got there I made sure I didn't stop powerwalking down the path until lunch.

The rain was threatening to come back as I was upset at how much rain there seemed to be typical weather people lying... I hold my breath as I suddenly hear a humming as the forest goes quiet and I turn my head and see the bloody visage of him... the family astartis... freshly harvested skulls on his hip both animal and human. His breath comes out hot and heavy as he pants and I can see it in the air as he leans his head back just grinning like a madman to the sky as it suddenly unloads.

My legs get cuts as I sprint through the underbrush just running blindly as he calls my name rushing after me. My lungs burn as I run tempted to throw away my bag to run faster but he'd certainly use it as leverage if I do get away. I hear water as I realize I'm near that cute spot... with the little pond and the waterfall. I stop above the pond as the water is coming down... a jump into the water from this height would hurt, I would know the memory of me doing it one summer hike with him.

"Sweetheart..." He brays softly as he walks out of the woods looking at you as I stay near the edge of the rocks, "come on take a step away... you look so cold. I can help with that." I can hear the layered meaning in his voice no longer hiding it. I remember admitting it once that I had a small crush on him but that was when I was young and hormonal and crazy for anything man shaped. How he just laughed at that and found it cute... that was a decade ago it seems he's changed his mind on that.

"Just leave me alone." I say threatening to take another step back.

"Get over here now." He snarls and I nearly rush over to him in obedience but I just shake my head as he looks so angry at me it causes my eyes to water as I feel so scared.

He takes a step forward and I jump back and the look on his face is surprise before I know it he's right there jumping after me having to jump somewhere else to avoid crushing me. He wasn't the best swimmer so I think I have time... I think I have time... I crawl out of the water coughing slightly just taking a moment to rest my limbs. Its in that moment I feel a hand thread through my hair and grip my hair by the scalp.

I scream and claw his hand as its hard not to know who is dragging me by my hair given how his nails dig into my forehead causing me to bleed. The rain seems to drown my begging and screaming as he drags me to the "lovers cove". Rain hits a tarp hidden by leaves and vines as I remember finding this place as it was nice to camp here in the summer with the firepit roaring. Of course you couldn't stay here long having to explain to him why... because it was really only used for sex.

I'm too tired to move as jumping in my full gear was exhausting. I feel the flash of heat as he starts to pull on my clothes and I struggle as he snarls and fights me out of my soaking wet clothes. I'm trembling both from how wet and cold I am but also so afraid of being alone with him right now.

He seems to visibly relax as he pets my head and starts to dry my skin by rubbing a dry fur pelt against my flesh as he mutters and nuzzles my face just trilling as he continues to dry me off. His lips brushing against my cheek and temple as his thumb roughly swipes away my now flowing tears. Trying to calm me down as he rummages through my wet bag trying to heat up a ration for me. His eyes nervously darting over to me as if he is worried that I'll try to take off into the dark raining forest fully naked. I look over at him... the large two headed eagle tattoo on his back is still there though now holding what looks like a crown of thorns. It looks like a large back piece has been outlined in one of those chaos shapes... for Khorne you think.

He puts the ration in my lap and nuzzles me as he has me in his lap... and I realize he's naked too... I can feel his excitement against my back as he maneuvers my hand to pick up my spoon and I start to eat. I whimper and let out a soft sob as he hugs me tightly trying to soothe me. I rub my eyes as his hands move up and down my sides... trying to calm me down but it only riles me up and I try to move out of his lap.

His arms flex as he puts me in a headlock and his leg wraps around my own to keep me in place as he is snarling and barking at me in his tongue and I can't help but burst out into tears as he lets me go and I cower just afraid... I hate it when people yell at me... especially men... so loud so scary. He croons apologetically his body covering mind but then his breathing hitches as he starts to throb more as I realize his cock is against my sex... and to my horror... I'm not physically repulsed by the action.

I can't even say his name to try and stop him as he's already pulling your hips up as you manage to slip between his fingers to scramble away and he pounces on you. Your lungs hurt as you wheeze out the air feeling him rut against you licking the side of your head and you can't help but burst into tears as you moan out shamefully. You beg with a hiccupped sob for him to stop and he does... for a moment.

"Need... need to mark... need... need to keep." He hisses through clenched teeth. "No more separation... " He says before turning my head and shoving his tongue down my throat it feels. His fingers fumble against my sex before one slips so easily inside of me... roughly preparing me but there is not much to prepare... I'm so wet. "So sad... so helpless... " He moans into my neck pushing another finger into my sex as he does his best to prepare me for the burn of the stretch. He pulls his fingers out and shoves them into his own mouth tasting me. "Need me... need me to protect... I protect. Always protect." He says in stilted English as he pulls me off the ground before putting me on a shitty "bed" with a pelt he brought with him most likely thrown over it.

I try to beg for him to stop but he pushes his thumb against my tongue to stop me. He tilts my head up and I see several skulls around the bed. He practically purrs as I start shaking as they are all human skulls... some still stained red, "I protect... scared little sweetheart."

He says just hooking his hands under my knees tilting me up before sliding into me. He has to stop and close his eyes to not start pummeling his hips into mine but his pace is still just a bit to fast and little too hard and I can't help but cry up at him. But now I whimper and whine... he leans in and kisses me hard and passionately. I arch feeling the fur of the pelt against my back only leave ghosts of an impression on my skin... the skulls watching him fuck me hard are a ghost of a memory...I feel that pleasure course through my veins as he presses himself against me as deeply as he can as I orgasm and the clenching flesh around him causes him to spill over the edge.

We tumble over that edge as the rain picks up, lightning lights the forest, and thunder shakes the trees. Tears roll down my cheeks as he holds me close cooing at me. "Don't cry... I'm here... you're safe." He says between pants. Warmth is still spilling out between my legs and I feel confused about what's happened... but I feel so tired and will... I'll worry about it later. I sniffle softly and nod my head as I close my eyes and pass out feeling his warm body around my own and the fire... I'll deal with it all tomorrow.

[chartreusevielle]

Gojo Satoru x OC

Pretty Ugly Marriage (before getting married)

When they first met, hate was an understatement. She loathes him.

"What's with that ugly face? Is that a mask or something? If so, take it off, that's so funny"

Fubuki Amari, loves her parents. To the point that she is willing to participate in a marriage interview just so she can lift up their families name in the jujutsu world again. Despite being aware that she is not the prettiest girl in line, she is pretty confident with her strength. After all that is what is listed in the Gojo Clan's letter, as the heir said,

"I don't care what they look like, I just want someone who's strong", and so here she is, listening to a bubble talk that slowly makes her burn in range.

'ah, i should've consider sending Yumi in here instead if I knew that this shitty brat wanted someone with pretty face instead'.

She then just sighs before replying,

"This is my face young master, I'm sorry if it bothers you", now just shut up, you piece of shit.

"It doesn't bother me, in fact, it makes me happy, are you sure you're not a clown?",if it was a normal 10 year old girl, they definitely couldn't handle such humiliation coming from a boy.

A boy coming from a strong clan, has strong power and has a pretty face. Gojo Satoru, in Amari's opinion is a definition of perfection,minus the fact that he is someone who can make hell burn after fueling it with few words.

This is the opposite of Amari, she's from a fallen clan, has average power which consists of absorbing curse by touching them,  and her face. Just like Gojo said, it's funny, because she has a scary face. The natural frown on her forehead that makes her look everyday angry, the frickles on her nose that push her face away from fairy skin, her droppy eyes that makes it look like she has small irises and the boring straight brown hair that makes her look like a broom with her thin and boney body.

"Even your voice is funny hahaha", the  boy continues to laughs as the adults around them can't help but to pity the little girl who just looks like she is so done with him already.

"What now? Aren't you gonna cry like the others?", He asked her as she just blink. So he's indeed doing it on purpose. Calling her names, basically bullying her.

'cry? Cry for what? Him, calling her ugly and funny?'

"Why? Do you want me to? ...young master?", The said boy huff as if he's irritated not getting the exact reaction from the girl.

"Yes, I want you to cry like an ugly person you are", Amari is currently praying to any God who can hear her, to simply give her patience, patience not to kill the boy in front of her.

"I want to cry young master, I wont lie", she said making the boy raise his eyes to look at her , "but i have more time to make my self strong that to drown my heart to something that i can't control"

'i can't ask God to edit my face, nor my figure even for just a little bit'

"Heh, you're showing your colors now don't you", the boy said as he mockingly grind at her.

'i can't ask anyone to protect me from heavy words I may receive from my face'

"I believe i never hide it in the first place,young master", she simply stated, not giving him emotions that he might make fun of again.

'i can simply accept, and bare with it'

"Hahaha, you're really funny, I've decided, I choose you kid, now be happy at my mercy" he looks so proud as a solemn grim appears on her face before silently cursing the boy at the back of her mind.

'i have no hero, other than myself, if so, then so be it'

"Thank you very much, young master", just you wait and I'll literally get even with you when I get stronger than anyone else.

"You better be", and I'll wipe off that grin off your face.

When they turned 13, things was never been better for Amari.

"You! I told you not to go to Satoru-sama, early in the morning!", she just blink as an elderly servant in front of her continues to yell early in the morning.

"But he says, we should meet at 6 am",

"Then tell him next time, you are busy! Satoru-sama needs his sleep and he doesn't have to be disturbed for a mere concept of meeting with you!",

'He's the one who planned our meeting though' Amari just thought and sigh, 'well, it is what it is, I don't care anymore'

It's obvious this old servant is looking down on her despite her position as his fiancé.

"I understand, I'll leave now", she said and turn back as she was about to step away, the thumbing sound of someone running down the hallways was heard, and suddenly..

"Amari!", the said girl, stopped her stepped and turn around, only to be welcome by a big grin of Gojo Satoru which makes Amari's eyes twitch.

'This guy obviously looks like he was eavesdropping just now'

"Where do you think your going?",

"S-Satoru-sama she is-",

"Who are you? I'm asking Amari, do you want me to fire you?", and of course things didn't end up good for the elderly servant.

---

"Satoru-sama, I think this will be dangerous",

"Oh come on, it's not like something bad will happen right? I'm the strongest after all", a body of a teen and an ego of a little child. I see.

The Gojo Premises is wide, so wide that it has it's own lake inside it's area. And this boy beside me thinks that's it's a good idea to practice his infinity in means of walking on the water like a holy man.

If you ask me, I think it's stupid,given that I know for sure he was dependent on his curse energy and was not taught how to swim since they all said nothing can touch him.

I'm riding a small boat to follow him while he is seriously walking above the water. But right in the middle of the lake, he suddenly stopped before looking at me.

"Amari?",

"What is it Satoru-sama?",

"I think I'm out of curse energy", my eyes widens as his body suddenly submerged under water.

How stupid, why didn't i think that even infinity has it's own interval, before it power up once again.

Shit, what should i do? Should I call for help? Should I swim down?!

But what if I die because of water suffocation? I don't want to die, I never want to but when I saw him falling deeper into the water, my body became fixated to follow him in the deep blue lake.

And so I dived.

Blue irises looking back at me as the water harshly hit my skin.

I want to yell, scream his name but the suffocating liquid stops me from crying out loud as I sway my hands to go deeper under the water.

Hands slowly reaching out to touch him, while he just stares at me making me worried that he might lose air under this depth of water . My eyes squinted in frustration before begging whoever God that can hear us to make this brat reach his hand so I can hold him.

'come on, give me your hands'

Looking at his now sleepy eyes falling deeper makes my heart almost drop.

No.no.no.no. Don't close your eyes!

'Give me your hand, Satoru!'

As if my prayer was answered,slowly but surely,his hands reach out to me as I immediately swim down faster and grasp it. Pulling him closer to my body before swimming upward with no further adieu.

As I look back to him my eyes widen when his blue irises are far closed and hidden.

Without further thinking, I put my lips on his to give him some air, just enough so we can swim together back to the shore.

Don't you dare die on me. I felt his grip on my body strengthen which give me a go signal that he had enough air before swimming back to the shore.

I gotta thank my father for giving me a strong body to overcome my fear and swim in endless water. And also the tough lungs.

I put all my physical energy to swim back faster and was able bring him back into the wooden boat.

I put him down gently before checking if he is still alive.

"Satoru-sama?",

No response. Damn do i need cpr? How do i do that? Pump the heart? Pump the water? Slap him? What should i do?

As i was overthinking, his eyes squinted before it fluttered and opened.

Sky irises, staring back at me making me almost cry.

"Amari?", I just smiled at him.

"Yes, Satoru-sama",

"My infinity returned the moment you hold me", i blink. Then...

"I just can't let you know given that you're so desperate to save me", i still stare at him.

I just wanted to beat him up. Really bad.

His irises find its way to look at me with his usual grinning face.

"Thank you though, now I really need to marry you, afterall you have given me your first kiss, still, I never think that an underwater kiss could be that romantic"

They were 13 and both of them realized something, one wanted to end this marriage shit and move on even if she'll be single for the rest of her life while the other one realizes that, he is now serious to the marriage he first offered, and there's no way he can let her go, not today nor in another lifetime.

'Ah I want to kill him'

'Should I prepare for our wedding now?'

@chartreusevielle

[dollsonmain]

I've forgotten how to sleep and startled myself when I looked in the mirror on my way to bed last night. The eye wells in my skull were very, very visible. Slightly less bad this morning.

So sleep hasn't happened due to both anxiety/stress and the AC having been broken for a while. AC was out for about a week and once it was fixed, I was too stressed about the absences thing at school to sleep the first night, and then too stressed last night because Son broke his school laptop yesterday and we have to tell That Guy today, AND That Guy had gone out partying with friends after work which means he drives home like that in the middle of the night and I always worry he's not going to make it. I can't sleep until I hear the garage door open. If he crashes, with the way he has our finances set up, Son and I are effectively homeless immediately. Part of why I am trying to work. Him not coming home until 1am also prolonged the anticipatory anxiety of having to wait to tell him the problem and get over the aftermath.

And then I woke up at 3am like always and couldn't get back to sleep.

Anyway.

Work stuff ish again

I will not complain about being expected to work 6 hours a day because that's less than a "normal" job anyway, but really at that point I'd rather work a full 8 and get benefits.

I very much think it should be illegal to schedule people juuuuuust under the cut off for benefits to be required by labor law. You should have to either schedule people 40 hours or 20 hours, no in between, IMO. Scheduling someone exactly 20 hours gives them plenty of time to go work SOMEWHERE ELSE for the other 20 hours without having to worry about being scheduled to work 60+ hours a week because both employers are cheapskates that will work you 30 hours.

I also need to completely change my daily routines AGAIN to get to work on time.

My current-new routine is:

wake up at 3:30 and get my morning coffee

sit around and wait for That Guy to leave for work which is usually 4-4:30

Son gets up and we have the morning together

Son leaves for school at 6:50

I don't get hungry until somewhere between 7 and 9 and will have breakfast then

depending on how exhausted I am I will or will not do chores between 5 and 10

leave to walk to work at 10:20

get to work at 10:40/10:45

work 11-3

That Guy picks me up on his way home from work, though I did have to walk home yesterday

do chores

dinner between 4-5 or so

vegetable time

Now, I'm going to have to skip my morning coffee because it makes me poop and I don't want to be pooping while I'm also the only cashier at work.

So it's going to be like....

wake up around 3 and shower OR shower in the evenings and deal with being gross from night-sweats at work so wake up at 3:30, I do prefer to show up to work nice and clean but it is a gas station...

force feed myself some sort of solid food while waiting for That Guy to leave for work around 4-4:30

make sure the boy gets up no later than 5

leave to walk to work at 5:20

get to work at 5:40-5:45

work 6-whenever (she hasn't decided when????)

leave work to walk to home whenever that happens to be and I'd rather it WASN'T noon because it's going to be stupid hot, then, but stop on the store's "porch" to put on sunscreen real fast... which means I need an opaque travel size bottle for sunscreen, and eat something so I don't pass out on the way home (yesterday I took a small bread roll and some jerky and ate that and drank a second V8 Energy while walking)

get home around 1 if I left at noon because the walk home is slower than the walk to work

eat a real lunch? finally have my poopin coffee?

chores

Son and That Guy get home at 3

profit???

I'm going to have to prep and take multiple sugar drinks so my blood sugar doesn't bottom out while at work. Right now I've been taking one bottle of water with a Real Lemon lemonade drink stick mixed in and I forget to drink it but it's there so I can slam it before leaving. I'll need to also take a meal replacement shake got sugar, salt, and other nutrients, I think, and an extra water.

Manager keeps trying to get me to buy something at work before my shift starts and I'm like no thanks those are MY monies, now, you're not getting them back on your overpriced bottled water.

Today I need to do laundry, deal with the fallout of telling That Guy that Son broke his school laptop, go to Kohl's and see if I can find some New Balance cross trainers to wear to work since I will be doing walking, standing, and lifting and I think cross-trainers would be the best option AND already know NB is the brand they primarily carry, need to find a hi-vis vest or couple of belts because I'll be walking to work in the dark, and That Guy said he'd take me to dinner today for leaving me to have to walk home from work Yesterday but what does that matter? That's going to be every day from now on.

A few more paychecks and I'll look for a scooter again. Or something. Still kind of like the idea of getting a cargo trike, ngl. Would be harder to steal than a bike anyway.

I don't know what I'm going to do in the winter.

-

Running a salary and income tax calculator and factoring in about $3k in short-term hobby income, even putting that no tax is withheld, it looks like I'd expect a tax return of $3k? Because there's about $3k in tax credits??? Whatever. I'll figure it out when it's closer to the right time.

[sunken-standard]

So I've been having a Very Bad Week

(as have many of you, I'm sure). Bad enough that I've been considering going to the 24hr mental health crisis center a few towns over (I won't, because I don't want the paper trail; once you sign the intake form it's an automatic 24hr psych hold and I don't want that on any kind of record because Nazis).

So Weds. I decided to switch therapists. I'd only talked to A. like three times I think, and I just wasn't feeling it. My last therapist, J., left the practice in August. Anyway, I called and they were able to get me an appointment with someone new Thursday morning, easy peasy, no grief at all for wanting to switch again so soon.

So I start my intake session with L., everything is normal (giving a very brief synopsis of my history and brain cooties and why I've had 5 therapists in 5 years [3 of them left! I'd still be talking to the very first one if he was still there!], blah blah). Then I say I'm really in crisis, thinking about going to the ER, whatever, and I mention it's because of the election.

I'm not going to lie or bullshit or whatever; my feelings and thoughts are why I'm in therapy in the first place and I shouldn't have to self-censor for anything (except admitting to crimes, but w/e). Anyway, this woman was like "I'm going to assume you voted for Harris?" (uh oh)

"I did."

"Well, mumble mumble, in the spirit of full discolsure, mumble mumble bullshit bullshit--"

"Did you vote for Trump?"

"Mumble mumble blah blah reluctance, yes I did."

"Oh that's all I need to know. Sorry, that's a dealbreaker for me." (I might have been a little clipped or curt, but I'm a blunt person and I don't waste time. I wasn't nasty or demeaning or anything, just completely honest.

"Oh, okay, I'll let the front office know and they'll call you back with a new appointment for someone else."

"Cool, thanks, Take care." All said politely, if a little coolly (compared to my normal customer service warmth; I would call it a baseline for most non-customer service people).

This was at 9:30 am. By 3:30 no one had called, so I figured I would (maybe they got swamped and then forgot, benefit of the doubt, whatever)

So I call. And I find out they decided to have the office manager call me on Monday because of how rude and abusive I was (????!!!!!) and they'd already come out to the reception area to warn all the other therapists of what kind of person I am.

What

The

Fuck

So this woman had lied and twisted everything around, said I told her to shut up, I insisted on knowing who she voted for, I was rude, all this kind of shit. And I can't prove a thing because nothing is recorded or whatever. So it's the professional's word against mine, known crazy person. I was so upset, I was crying on the phone and everything (and even worse, my voice got stupid so it sounded like fake crying, but I couldn't stop it or reign it in).

I made sure to give my side of things. I was very very clear that I never said "shut up" because I just don't talk like that in a professional relationship. I was also clear that she made it political by saying she assumed I voted Harris (which, let's be real, is the same as asking), and that I don't think it's unfair for me to ask the same and make a decision about my treatment based on that answer. Sorry if I don't want to be vulnerable in front of a person who actively voted against my rights as a human being ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

So now I have to wait all weekend to see if I'm going to be dismissed from their care, meaning cut off from all my drugs (really don't give a shit about therapy, it doesn't work anyway).

I've mostly calmed down, but I took a lot more drugs than I'm supposed to in combinations I'm really not supposed to just to calm me down enough that I don't think I'm going to have a heart attack, throw up, or violently shit myself from my fight or flight response. (and it only took 27 hours of gross overmedicating to do so!)

Anyway, buckle up kids, this is the future now and this sure as shit ain't going to be an isolated incident.

[max-w0lf68]

Chapter 4: Peanut Butter on Rainy Days

Word Count: ~2.5k

Please see Masterlist for warnings.

(For world reference, please see 106 Willow St and 113 Willow St)

- Jaemin's POV -

My eyes flutter open and I lift my head slightly to take in my surroundings, a tight grip preventing me from moving much. I feel warmth around me and a slow rise and fall from under me. As my vision focuses, I realize that I'm on the couch with Yechan.

He is laying under me, his large frame easily making me seem tiny, and he's holding onto me like a stuffed animal.

I gently try to free my hands, pushing away lightly, trying not to wake him in the process.

I feel his grip tighten, pulling me back to his chest as he stirs softly, and his eyes flutter open to meet mine. A mischievous smile appears on his face as he tightens his grip again, seemingly locking his arms together to prevent my escape.

"Morning~" He says in a deeper than normal groggy morning voice.

"Uh, mornin'..." I reply with a raised eyebrow, trying to push myself away again, not budging even slightly. "Umm...can you let me go now?"

He looks up as if he's thinking about it. "Hmmm, no I don't think I will." He smirks as he returns his gaze back down to meet mine. I roll my eyes and strain against his strong hold. "Let gooo.. HELP!" I call out playfully as he just laughs at my struggling.

I hear the front door open, and someone walk in. Looking towards the door, unable to see who it is, I call out. "Hey! Little help here?"

"Nah, not my problem." A smart-ass tone I don't recognize says and I hear his footsteps disappear up the stairs.

"Rude!" I yelled back as Yechan continued to laugh.

"Okay okay, I'll free you...on one condition." He says, loosening his grip slightly.

"And what's that?" I ask with a suspicious look, a hint of defeat in my voice.

"Oh, nothing much..." he looks around the room with his eyes, not moving his head, before looking back at me. "Just a little kiss?" He says and immediately purses his lips out towards me.

I roll my eyes and cover his mouth with my hand. "In your dreams, kitty." I tease and take advantage of his loosened grip to get away, jumping to my feet and throwing my hands up successfully. "IM FREE!!" I laugh as Yechan sits up with a pout.

"Don't give me that look. You'll get over it kitty cat." I playfully poke at him, turning to the table to gather up the invitations we had made last night.

"Now who's being rude?" He remarks sarcastically as he stands up to stretch.

I just shake my head as I finish picking up the invites and craft supplies. Yechan groggily walks to the kitchen, combing his fingers through his messy morning hair.

Supplies in hand I head upstairs to my room to put things up, shower, and get dressed for the day.

I decide to go with an Arctic Monkeys band shirt, ripped black skinny jeans, a black choker necklace, and my Vans high-tops. I did a darker neutral makeup and straightened my hair. Wearing contacts instead of my glasses. Casual and comfortable but fitting for everyday activities and meeting up with Jackson at the bar.

I do one last check in the mirror before heading out the door, meeting an unfamiliar face with Matthew at the top of the stairs.

"Oh, Jaemin. This is Jay, a friend of ours. He lives in the neighborhood too." Matthew starts to introduce. "Jay, this is Jaemin."

Jay smiles knowingly "I see you were able to free yourself." He chuckles as I give him a playful glare. "I've heard all about you from Matt and the other two. Nice to meet you." He finishes and holds out his hand.

Rolling my eyes a accept the handshake. "Likewise-" As I start to speak, the doorbell rings, cutting the conversation short. I turn to the door and make my way down the stairs to it.

- Heeyoung's POV -

I hear a knock on my bedroom door as I pace back and forth, lost in thought.

The door creeks open slowly and Taecyeon leans against the doorway, his arm crossed as he smiles at me.

"What's on your mind, pup?" He asks, snapping me out of my trance at the nickname.

"I can't stop thinking about the girl from yesterday! I wanna talk to her but I don't know what to say and I don't wanna just walk up to her house, that would be weird! But I wanna be friendsssss!" I mutter quickly, walking up to Teacyeon and looking up to him for advice.

He looks down and pats my head softly. "I figured you were stressing over something. I could hear you puppy pacing from my room." He teases with a laugh, flicking the small bell on my choker collar.

"Don't tease! I'm serious!! What do I dooo?" I pout, still flustered.

"Why don't you make her something like cookies or those peanut butter protein ball things?" He suggests.

My eyes widen excitedly at the idea. "That's perfect!!" I say and take off downstairs to the kitchen.

I had already made some of my famous peanut butter and honey protein balls the night before and had them setting up. I take them out of the fridge and start packaging them nicely into a small desert box. Daniel and Huening Kai look over at me with questioning looks.

"Where's the fire?" Kai laughs.

"She's excited because she wanted to do something to be able to talk to the new girl down the street." Taecyeon catches them up as he walks into the room.

"Oh, is that the same girl that you talked to at the mailbox yesterday?" Daniel perks up over the sofa.

"Yes her! Now!" I reply while closing the box of peanut butter balls, writing my number on the edge of the box lid.

I make my way to the door and pause once I step outside and look catty corner to her house, feeling myself grow shy again. I shake my head and turn around to go back inside but all three of my roommates are standing behind me.

"Don't back out puppy, I doubt she bites." Taecyeon laughs. I pout nervously and grumble under my breath before turning around and making my way down the street to her house.

The boys yell short cheers as I walk and I roll my eyes, giggling softly.

As I step up on the porch, I take a deep breath and ring the doorbell, waiting anxiously.

- Jaemin's POV -

I open the door to see Heeyoung, the girl I had met the day before, holding a small white box.

I lean against the doorway as I nod to her. "Hey. Heeyoung right? What's up?"

I can see her face turn pink as she stares and then quickly darts her gaze downward to her feet, holding the box straight out. "I made these for you!" Her voice is higher pitched and slightly shaky.

I smirk and accept the box. "Aww, how sweet. Thank you, doll." She nods and slowly looks back up to me.

"Don't be so nervous, I'm not going to bite you." I laugh softly as Jay and Matthew step behind me.

"You mean you won't bite YET." Matthew teases, and I reach over hitting his chest lightly with the back of my hand.

"You hush!" I lecture before looking back to the girl who was staring at Jay, her face even more red now. A quick glance at Jay says he didn't even notice as he was busy laughing at Matthew's reaction.

"Ah! My nipple!" Matthew gasped rubbing his chest dramatically.

When Jay looks back at the girl, she switches her glance to me and bows almost a full 90 degrees. "Enjoy the balls!" She says quickly before running off the porch, not stopping till she gets back to her door where 3 men that easily tower over her stand, laughing at her reaction. One patting her back as they walk inside.

"Okay, odd." Jay says with a shrug as him and Matthew make their way out to Matthew's car.

I look down at the small box then back at her house before closing the door and taking the box into the kitchen, setting it on the counter and taking a peek inside.

The smell of peanut butter and honey was strong, it smelled great.

"What's that? Did you order sweets?" Yechan asks walking over and looking over my shoulder.

"No, the sweet girl down the street, Heeyoung, brought them." I say, popping one in my mouth. "Ooo, their good too." "I look down to check the time on my phone.

"I gotta head out, I'm gunna drop all these invites off then go meet Jackson at the bar." I inform Yechan, waving as I walk out the door.

I slip each invite in the individual mailboxes, making my way down one side of the street and back up the other. All the invitations now delivered, I get in my car and make my way into town. I ran a few necessary errands like going to the post office to fill out an address change, going to the courthouse to get the address on my license and vehicle registrations fixed, etc. The normal adult stuff you should do after moving.

Leaving the last office, it was starting to get a little dark out due to the thick thunder clouds, you'd never guess it was only 4 o'clock.

Just as I get to my car the rain starts an almost immediate downpour. I jump in the car quickly and start it, pulling out of the parking lot to make my way to the bar for the meeting at 5:30.

"Wow, it's really coming down..." I mention as I drive. Seeing lights on in a corner book and coffee store, I decide to pull in quickly and grab a coffee since I had the time to spare.

When I pull over, I noticed something in the road. "Wait- is that?" My eyes widen as realization hits, and I jump out of the car.

- Daniel's POV -

It was a quiet night at the shop, not many people wanting to get out because of the rain. Heeyoung and I were wiping out glasses and taking inventory, enjoying the calm music with the rainy weather.

I hear the purr of a sports car engine over the rain and look up to see a blacked out Corvette pull up. "Looks like we might have a customer." I say to Heeyoung, watching as the girl gets out of the car and starts to dart to the middle of the road, and a car heading straight for her.

I immediately dart out the door, calling for the girl as she stands back up. I grab her arm and pull her back into me just in time for the car to pass.

Breathing heavily, I pull back with my hands holding each of her arms. "Are you crazy?! You can't just run into the road in dark clothes during a storm!" I lecture as I look down at the small, soaked, girl. She looked familiar. In her arms was a tiny black kitten, also soaked from the downpour.

"I couldn't just leave it!" She shouts back over the rain, trying her best to shield the kitten with her free hand.

I sigh and holding one of her arms turn to walk back into the shop.

- Jaemin's POV -

I look up as the man pulls me back into the coffee store I was going to originally. His apron pointing out that he was an employee here.

"Are you guys okay?!" I hear a familiar voice chime from behind the counter.

"Heeyoung?" I question as the guy releases me, making his way over to one of the couches and grabbing a blanket before coming back and wrapping it around me. "I'll go get a towel for the Kitten." He says before disappearing to the back.

"Aww, a kitty?" Heeyoung coos curiously. "Jaemin, is that why you ran in front of that car?"

"To be honest, I didn't even see the car. I was just shocked and worried that this poor baby might get hurt." I reply looking at the tiny kitten shaking in my hands. "I didn't mean to make him mad." I motion towards the back with a nod.

"Oh he's okay! He just worries a lot." She giggles, reaching over the counter to pet the kittens head. "He's always like that at home too. He's actually very sweet, just a bit over protective." She continues.

I look over to see him stopped at the door and he slowly walks over to me, holding out the towel. "Sorry if I seemed rude earlier, I was just worried because it looked like you were gunna be hit by that car..." He explains shyly.

I accept the towel, taking a seat to dry off the kitten. "It's okay, you shouldn't apologize. Actually, I should be thanking you." I say and look up at him with a greatfull smile. "So thank you, Daniel. For saving me."

I can see the smile and slight blush he tries to hide as he turns away slightly for a brief moment before taking a seat next to me, putting the other towel gently over my head, attempting to dry my hair. "N-No problem."

I laugh lightly at his shy but sweet behavior as I continue to try drying the kitten, who is purring softly in my lap.

"Are you gunna keep him?" Daniel asks after a moment of silence.

"I think so, but I can't take him with me at the moment, I have a meet-" I look at Daniel wide eyed with a gasp. "My meeting! I'm gunna be late!" I stand up and hand the kitten to him. "Please watch him for me? I'll come back by before you close to get him I swear!"

Daniel chuckles. "Don't worry, he's in good hands. Plus, we have other cats here too." He says pointing to a cat tower in the corner where an orange tabby and brown tabby cat were sleeping. "Thank you! I'll be back!" I thank them both again before running out the door and heading straight to the bar.

- Daniel's POV -

I watch as the strange girl runs out of the store, the tiny black kitten now mostly dry in my hands. I stand up and walk back over to the bar where Heeyoung was looking at me with a bright, mischievous smirk.

"What?" I raised an eye brow.

She perks up and holds out a napkin with poorly drawn stick figures, looking very proud of herself. "I drew you guys!! You look so cute together!"

I take the napkin, laughing and shaking my head. "Nope, but thanks." I hand Heeyoung the kitten and make my way to the back to finish inventory, stopping just inside the door to neatly fold the drawing and put it in my back pocket.

[charliespringverse]

iwbft — thursday: a brief summary of my annotations

all highlighted quotes: 135

· ouch/ow/owie: 7

· real/felt/relatable/so true: 0

· aroace: 0

· ☹/☹☹/☹☹☹: 3

I like knowing that I've been there since the beginning. — lol hipster... me w BiT tho

I can't stop myself laughing, trapped under the cape, and I catch a glimpse of Lister grinning at me, a soft smile, one that reminds me of years ago, back when this was all new and exciting and fun, back when we really were children. — god i love this bit . it is so gentle and tender

People are coming up with some hilarious explanations for the Jowan photo and the Rowan/Bliss reveal, such as it's a ploy by their management, out to stir up some extra publicity to keep attention on The Ark [...] — devastating phrasing for rpf shippers everywhere

it didn't destroy me in the way I thought it would when the news eventually came that Jowan, love itself, wasn't real.. Maybe I sort of knew it was a lie all along. — 10 points for recognising that rpf ships aren't real, -2 for the nihilistic depressive worldview . get therapy x

Unpleasant phone call? Yesterday morning? I heard nothing about that. — well u definitely heard Hints but i'll let u off due to the autism x

Playing our songs when the entire audience is empty is always a laugh, because we're just playing for ourselves, and we can deliberately get stuff wrong and play games like Lister trying to get us out of time and Rowan adding in harmonies where there aren't normally and me changing the lyrics of our most famous songs. — i'd die for them fr LET THESE BOYS HAVE FUN MORE OFTEN

every time the laughing stops his expression drops and he looks like he's about to cry. — me when i leave my friend's house & the mental illness comes back

He just leans in and kisses me. My stomach lurches. Not because I'm excited, but because I'm shocked and I'm getting flashbacks of the last time I did this. Never my idea, is it? I want to, I want to kiss a boy in some dramatic way but I don't too, not when it doesn't feel right. — ☹ bad parallel

You think you've got it all sorted but you don't! You're just the same as me. You're both just as bad as I am. — ,,,,, he's not far wrong tbf

'You don't have to... like me back,' he says, and his voice breaks but I can't tell whether he's laughing or trying not to cry. 'But please don't hate me.' — AGONY (note: this is written in huge letters)

I thought the three of us would be friends forever. I can't deal with these unsaid feelings. I don't want to know about them. I don't want to think about them. — kick me in the cooch it'd hurt less

'Everything's bad.' 'Nothing bad is going to happen to you.' But it feels like it is. 'I am not afraid,' says Rowan softly. 'Remember?' — KILL ME OFF (note: this is written in huge letters)

I'm gone, I'm already gone, I'm up above the three of us and gazing down at the three bodies and wondering who on Earth decided that these three pathetically flawed human beings deserved so much worship. — i wanna write an essay on depersonalisation in jimmy's narration

Jimmy's smile is so wide - a youthful, dreamlike grin - as he gazes over the crowd — to the tune of the maybelline jingle: maybe it's a youthful dreamlike grin, maybe it's dissociation

There is something inexplicable tying them together. — it's trauma

Most fans would defend them until their last breath, form an army to keep them from harm or discomfort. — can't speak to how deliberate this was but . army in the bts sense is a fun connection

I didn't get to meet The Ark. I didn't get to tell them anything. — give it a day luv x

I am dragged into the flood. — BORN TO SURVIVE THE STORM BORN TO SURVIVE THE FLOOD

He doesn't look like himself without the airy smile that I always see in the photos and videos. — false! he looks more like himself then you've ever seen!

Of course he looks impossibly beautiful too. I desperately want to hold him. — NOT THE TIME

He's afraid of me. Me. Me. The human embodiment of a caterpillar. — something something self perception vs other ppl's perception, parallels the fandom vs celebrity experience something something

His eyes are wide and fearful. The beauty that I'd admired there has gone. — he's becoming real...

It just makes me feel like I'm really here. Holding this piece of me in my hand. — depersonalisation & grounding .......

God, I want to hug him. I want to hold him and let him cry gently into my shoulder. — not the time for a wattpad self-insert y/n imagine queen

I just stop registering what's happening around me. It's not really happening to me. It's all just happening to this body that people call Jimmy Kaga-Ricci. — depersonalisation!!!!!

It's funny because it's true. — TORI?

'I'm not in here any more,' I say, pointing at my chest. 'This is all happening to someone else.' 'Are you... okay?' I laugh at him again. — depersonalisation (note: this is in big letters and double underlined)

I'm sure that when The Ark arrive, I'll feel happy. I know that when The Ark arrive, I will feel happy. — ow . it's almost like relying on external factors to fix ur mental health is like a plaster on a bullet hole

I'm sure that when we start playing, I'll feel happy. — they're so nsync

Why do I feel like he's died when he's right there in front of me? — because you loved a fantasy and now reality has kicked in amen

I just turn back and stare up at them, waiting, praying for something good to happen, something good to make me feel okay again, just as it always has until today. But I don't feel anything. — yeah yeah the emotional void we all know it

— future college/uni essay idea: religion vs fandom with a specific focus on the osemanverse/hstv fandom w iwbft & rs as backup

[suzieb-fit]

I was in the full throes of phantom PMS last night. But I didn't give in, and realising it would have been nurture phase right now, if I was following the FLAG programme, I decided to make today a full nurture day.

Carbs all the way.

I'll be ending my fast at 15hrs, and treating myself to lovely porridge.

A good portion of mixed fresh fruit with nuts and soya yoghurt later.

Wholegrain wrap with lunch.

It's a 40+mile bike ride today, and I'm really worried about these terrible intolerance symptoms. I've realised they go into overdrive on ride days.

That makes me doubtful about my belief it was dairy causing the problem. Maybe it's pollen. Or maybe even a combination.

I'm seeing my dairy free trial through to the 8wk mark. Only 1wk in so far.

And I've taken a couple of antihistamines this morning.

Anyway, that concern about it spoiling an already long day ahead is another reason I'm being kind to myself today!

Oh, and no morning workout.

Back to normal tomorrow!

[springtrappd]

not trying to sound rude or aggressive or anything i swear, but what exactly Is it abt like. eclipse and ruin in general that you have critiques of? i'm still trying to figure out exactly what i think of it myself - it wasn't ANYTHING like what i was expecting, and to be perfectly honest i was also one of the Book Doubters(trademark pending) so that was a huge culture shock to me as well. idk i go in-between being really impressed and really liking it, to being salty that it wasn't what I think a good chunk of ppl including myself were expecting? looks like there's gonna be more down the line as far as this SB storyline goes so i'm curious and cautiously optimistic. i'm not totally sold on the mimic yet but thats probably bc I haven't been reading the tales books. guess i should start now lmao

i should make it clear that i actually haven't finished ruin yet, which is why i've been holding back on talking about it -- i'm up to bonnie bowl! so i'll refrain from commenting on that, except to say that the gameplay is a massive improvement from sb and only has more minor design flaws vs the base game's... fundamentally broken, lmao. they listened to criticism, refined their ideas and executed them with the resources available, and they did it well! i have mostly positive things to say on that front, which is nice. :)

eclipse is harder to talk about because... like, to give you an idea of how badly it effected me: it pissed me off so bad i started dissociating for the rest of the night, gave me stress stomach-aches when I refused to stop playing and then woke me up at 6am this morning nauseous and in pain. and that's not me being a wimp, that's me experiencing somatization, which is a real thing that i struggle with a lot, so hopefully you can understand why I'm not exactly keen to talk about this? especially when literally every time i even try to someone gets mad at me for breathing. please keep this in mind as i go on to say: eclipse is ableist as fuck and completely inexcusable.

as presented within ruin's visit to the daycare, the dca is left in a state of disrepair after the earthquake and subsequent abandonment left the pizzaplex to fend for itself. they're trapped between their two personalities, with both of them insisting that they are the one who knows what they should do; sun wants to be a good boy and do arts and crafts and whatever, and moon wants to send everyone to bed, blah blah you know the drill. as you complete the segment sun and moon regularly argue with each other, with sun holding the upset moon back from attacking cassie as she reactivates the generators, turning the lights on and stunning moon long enough for her to whack him with the faz-wrench, forcing a system reboot... and he's immediately reborn as eclipse, a lovely and kind figure with no memories of anything that happened who gently escorts you out and wishes you well. he's fixed now, you see! you did it! you got rid of his evil split personality, you've made him normal again, and without the aberration that is plurality he has not a cruel bone in his body!

the implications of this are incredibly fucking obvious and deeply deeply upsetting, and why i'm gonna point-blank say i'm not entertaining further discourse over whether this is reaaaally ableist or if they reaaaaally meant for them to read as a system or... nope, it's done, we're not fucking going there. it doesn't matter what they intended -- what they intended is pretty obvious, actually; they've decided to tackle a subject they're incredibly ill-equipped to handle, and the result is a character -- descended from the visual language and cultural canon of tales like split and psycho -- whose arc concludes with the reveal that it was being a system that made them violent. and the boss fight was dumb and bad and ignored all the previously-explained mechanics of this character to do this. it is aggressively stupid fanservice that turns what was once simply "poor taste walking the line of good faith" into "actual offensive caricature with zero room for doubt", and the only thing more despair-inducing than this twist is the community of people gleefully eating it up as their yummy angst fuel for their ultimate comfort character. and i shouldn't be surprised, considering it's coming from the "how dare you ask me to examine why i find it scary when the dca experiences altered identity states" crowd, but i am, unfortunately, an idealist doomed to be let down by normies. huzzah.

as for the mimic: I'm perfectly fine with afton getting laid to rest (he deserves it!), I'm not one of those guys, but in its current iteration (and from my understanding of it) it suffers immensely from having literally zero reason to be doing any of this shit and being yet another rejection of the supernatural in favour of sci-fi bullshit. because it's from the novels and the novels are allergic to ghosts. and having your entire story drip-fed in mediocre spin-off novels filled with blatant fetish content marketed to naive twelvies is so obviously bad storytelling that i don't even think i need to get into the piss-poor prose and legitimately cruel messages to explain why i hate that one

[hangonimevolving]

The Horror Movie - Part 2

I actually am not a fan of horror movies. Just don't love the genre.

But, alas.... this fall, I found myself LIVING OUT a real life horror movie. No, I'm not exaggerating. And I'm gonna be honest here and say that even now, nearly 3 months later, even in my normal day to day life - every so often, I get a flash in my mind, a snapshot back to the horror movie I lived through. Photo snapshots, or short bursts of cinematic video clips, just to remind me that the world is different than it used to be. I am seeing a therapist about this (heh, here it is - I'm just gonna let it all hang out). She says I have PTSD. Like, the real thing, not just using that as a buzzword for being stressed out.

Okay, so what happened. I'm gonna tell you. Note: I am going to copy/paste this narrative from a few places, because I had to recount this story at least 3 dozen times - via text message, WhatsApp, emails, etc. to say nothing of more phone calls than I can count. So, I've written it many, many times and have it availabe to copy/paste. But I'll be adding in some info here wherever I feel is relevant.

My family has endured a living nightmare.  Around 10:30 am on Monday 10/28, my dad stepped out of his house for a morning walk in his neighborhood (normal for him).  But - as of 12:30, he hadn’t returned yet.  Dr. Spouse and I were at the grocery store on a rare/unique day off from work for him - we'd had a pleasant walk in our own neighborhood that morning, and we decided to be organized for once and go grocery shopping together b/c we had discussed some meal planning, and were getting excited about a health kick. I'd finally gotten back into running nearly ever morning for the last 6 weeks, and we were both doing well with diet and exercise.

But then, we get this call while I'm in the produce aisle, and any positivity/optimism - nay, any focus on ourselves - instantly evaporates. My dad only goes walking for about 45 mins usually, so my mom got concerned and called me to see if he’d turned up at my house or something.  Long story short - the day snowballed into a frantic search for him, with me, my mom, and Brijesh driving around our entire town looking for him.  We called the cops and they launched a full-blown Missing Persons protocol, complete with police helicopters, a K-9 unit, and a Drone Search unit, and about 10-20 deputies circulating in/around my parents’ house for most of that 24 hours.  

Note: "snowballing". That's how I summarized it in my emails to people. But here, I'm gonna elaborate. This "day snowballing" thing is a euphemism for an infinite, agonizing string of little heartbreaking and anxiety-flooded moments, each one horrifying in its own right. The first one is my initial reaction to my mom that maybe she was getting worried and worked up for nothing, and wanting to call the cops around 12:00 pm that day - okay, at that point, he had been gone from 10:30-12 noon, but perhaps he was somewhere perfectly okay and safe. At least, that's what I thought. After all, just a month before, he'd had an incident and had said he wouldn't take off on long walks like that anymore. I thought it was premature to call the cops and set into a motion a whole THING. It would leave a record, they'd be on some sort of list for senior citizen welfare checks... I didn't know for sure, but I felt like it would be a big thing and what if it was all for nothing? I wasn't convinced we needed to take that step at that point. But then, the trickle-truth started. She then admitted, they'd had a little tiff that morning and he'd taken off in a bad mood - intentionally. This IRRITATED me to no end. How immature. But, I told her, "give him a chance to make the right decision." Surely he'd learned from the other thing last month? But in the next hour or two, she shared that at home, she'd found his phone, Apple Watch, wallet with ID and all credit cards.... and that in their cash envelope they keep at home, there was only about $120 missing. Now - the light bulb was going on that he had done this intentionally. Alarm bells. It was only at this point that I told her, okay, let's call the police. My logical brain tells me, my initial hesitation to call the police was totally not an under-reaction. I didn't know all the facts initially, and even so - I was giving him the benefit of the doubt, taking his words at face-value that he wouldn't make irrational decisions about exertion. But I was wrong. We initiated the whole police thing around maybe 1:15-1:30, so we lost about an hour or so of time. Would it have made a difference? That's the part I keep circulating around.....

Another pearl in the string of anxiety of that time: Waiting at the bus stop in my car for Dey to come home from school at exactly 2 pm, and suddenly becoming aware of the whirr of helicopter blades high above my head - - throwing open the sunroof of my car to realize there is a police chopper in the sky, looking for MY DAD. Like, what.

(sidetone: it is at this point I'm gonna start peppering my blog post with weird pictures, many of which are screenshots from footage from the dash cam of my car. Weird snapshots that capture the bizarre horror movie that my mind keeps replaying)

Telling Dey to put on his seat belt, because today, instead of going home, we are going for a drive. "To where?!" he asks suspiciously, because this is not the norm for us. I am thinking on my feet, and have no plan - "UHHH, to Starbucks!" I blurt out. What?! I never go to Starbucks. But in that flash of a moment, I think - what if Dad is at Starbucks? We drive to Starbucks, but make a string of ridiculous pit stops and detours on the way, and the entire time I am convinced Dey is suspicious and on to me that something is going on - but my heart is breaking in real time and I don't know how to tell him from the driver's seat of my car that his grandfather is missing and might be dead. So we stop at Walgreens "to look for posterboard" (?!)

and we do a long and asinine "detour" to Starbucks (makes no sense based on the routing) through a nearby neighborhood "to look at Halloween decorations", and all kinds of things.

(Photo of some impressive Halloween decorations that we saw on this random drive. Random photo for this story though? yes. But it's part of the Horror Movie highlight reel that keeps playing in my mind, so I'm sharing it with you, and now you know too.)

We wind up eventually at Starbucks -but then, to my horror, I see that there are no fewer than four police squad cars outside of the Starbucks, and my heart flies into a panic. Have they found him?! Or worse, have they not? And what do I do with this child in my backseat if I'm about to get bad news?!!! I throw the car in park, put on the hazards, and tell him to stay right there because I'm gonna buy him a cake pop (?!) and then I LEAVE MY CHILD IN THE CAR while I run like a maniac into Starbucks, only to find two cops in there but no Dad.

I talk to them for a few moments, tell them who I am ("I'm the daughter of the Missing Person"... and inside, mentally to myself, "Oh my god, I'm the daughter of the Missing Person") and after a few moments hearing their plan, the places they've looked, the places they're gonna look, making sure EVERY single one of them has my personal name and phone number as well as Dr. Spouse's, and AirDropping a more recent photo of my dad to them than the one they have (HIS DRIVER'S LICENSE photo which is at least 10 years old and in which he is at least 30 pounds heavier and has dyed hair) - I get back to my abandoned child with a cake pop. He asks me what has taken so long, and again I'm just paralyzed. And right there, in the Starbucks parking lot, with a raccoon-shaped cake pop in my baby's hand, I have to find the words to tell him that I'm sorry I've been acting weird, and actually, there's something going on today.... and I tell him what has happened. And I cringe. And absurd thoughts fill my mind. Is he traumatized? Is he scared? Have I officially created a core memory for him where forevermore, cake pops will be associated with shock and grief?? It's possible.

(This photo has PRIME REAL ESTATE in the Horror Movie highlight reel. I can't stop seeing it in my mind. Literally within seconds of taking this picture, with my child holding this cake pop in his hand, I break the news to him about his grandpa's situation.... and life would never be the same. Can you hear that cracking sound? That's my heart)

This insertion of material ends with Dey and me driving back from Starbucks to our neighborhood to await Vev's return from school via the school bus, where I decide straightaway to tell him what's going on right there in the car, before weakly handing him his bag with his cake pop. Another child with cake pop trauma. I'm just sick.

*End inserted story, returning more or less to copied/pasted email*

As night fell and went to the wee AM hours and he still hadn’t turned up, we - our whole family - were preparing ourselves for bad news. Don't they always say "if you don't find them in the first 12 hours, the odds of finding them alive go down?" Or is it 24 hours? Or is it "find them during the day, because after night, it gets weird?" See, I don't watch those weird Law & Order/police/crime type dramas, so I don't know these things. Whatever. The point is, once Dr. Spouse got home from work around 5 pm, I was able to leave my house with him watching the kids, and go to my mother's house to be by her side.

I arrive to her home, to find not one, not two, but something like 6-7 squad cars in her driveway and cul-de-sac, and at least 9-10 police officers from various units and specialized departments coming/going.

(*oops, here we go, more inserting of details) Bizarre and irrational thought bubbles into my mind, a thought that makes zero sense under the circumstances - but I think to myself oh geez, they're wearing their boots in and out of the house! We are a shoes-off-in-the-house culture, it just jars me to see this. Of course, then my rational mind interjects: "WHO CARES?! THE FLOOR IS GONNA GET DIRTY, BUT YOUR DAD IS MISSING." Why are you wasting brain-space on the shoes?!" And I instantly feel sheepish, just to myself, in my mind. But then my defiant, defensive, confrontational mind goes "hey! She's only human! She's having natural reaction to seeing something out of the ordinary! Calm the fuck down, let her feel her feels!" I feel crazy. A whole internal conversation in the blink of an eye. We are weird creatures, we humans.

There are three who are standing around my mother as she sits at her breakfast table with her reading glasses on, looking over various forms they have in front of her. One officer, who happens to be a very tall, muscular African American man, is leaning against the table in his tactical vest and boots, with a giant black boxy-looking laptop open in front of him as he is typing a bunch of notes in. Several officers' walkie-talkies keep bleeping and beeping at random. I see two Caucasian or white-presenting Hispanic officers, one male, and one female, walking out of the house back to their cars and driving away - and it catches my eye at the last minute that their tactical vests say "K-9 unit" on them, and their vehicle is a large SUV with "K-9" emblazoned on the side. A late middle-aged short Hispanic officer in my mom's kitchen sees my eyes darting around and nonchalantly says "yeah, they're gonna send the units out right now with the bloodhounds to try and trace his scent. We took your dad's slippers, hope that's ok." My dad's brown, fuzzy bedroom slippers. I think to myself, what if he suddenly shows up at home and is irritated someone took his slippers. Weird thoughts again. Said officer also tells me that there is a Drone Search/Rescue unit in the air at the moment, along with the Helicopter Search Unit, and my irrational mind immediately goes "Wow, Vev would love that!" before my "shut your mouth" mind goes "whaaaat are you saying, this is terrible!" Egads, there's a whole symphony of voices up there.

The minute my mom sees me, she starts crying and I give her a hug - and immediately, I'm happy to be there for her, but I also feel it. The TRANSFER OF POWER. She had been somewhat composed and in problem-solving mode before I had arrived, but now that I'm there, I feel her tacitly hand over the torch of "HANDLING THE SITUATION," and I know that from this moment onwards, its gonna have to be me that is the spokesperson of the family, the one answering questions, the one steering the ship of whatever our next steps are going to be as a family. And, I am ready for it. I was born ready. Its fine. But also, dang.

I settle in a little, and my senses settle down into some sort of calm autopilot. I introduce myself to the officers who make it known to me that they're are from Missing Persons, and they explain what protocols have been set into place, what steps are being taken, and what the plan is going to be overnight to continue search and rescue. I tell them that I'd already seen and met some officers in town who were doing foot patrol, and they are glad to hear it. I share multiple updated pictures of my dad, I take an officer into my dad's closet in his bedroom and show him the type of clothing my dad ordinarily wears. They want to know what shirt that my dad was wearing that morning, and I don't know - and my mom doesn't either, and she's all broken up about the fact that she doesn't know. The officers (with only good intentions) ask me how come they don't have a Ring camera system installed at their house, and I have to sputter an explanation that is at once mindful of protecting my parents' feelings, while also kind of being honest with them about my own frustrations that my parents had vehemently refused my REPEATED ADVICE to do this very thing. I have to control my own frustration while answering questions like this, and its not much fun.

A detective walks me outside to the sidewalk, away from my mother, and it turns out he has to ask me some really sensitive questions and doesn't want my mother to be uncomfortable. I tell him I'm here for it, let's go - I'll answer anything you ask me. I can already tell what this is going to be about, and I am prepared to answer him without any hesitation. He asks me all the things one would wonder about in this situation. Does my father have a drug/alcohol problem? Is it possible he did, and we didn't know? Is it possible my father is having an affair? Is there another secret woman, a secret family, where he has perhaps run off to? A woman or family that would be complicit in letting him hide out there and evade discovery by the cops? Does my father owe anyone money? Is he in debt? Does he have a gambling problem? Is it possible there's someone out there who has a bone to pick with him and is holding him ransom? Does he have any other vices or secrets that would be worth considering as reasons for his disappearance? It's almost a relief to hear these questions and discuss it all with the detective, because the answers are easy. No, none of the above. My dad is a boring, cranky old man who struggles to use even basic technology. He wouldn't know how to find a mistress if a woman appeared in front of him and took his top off. He has zero debts and zero sketchy business deals going on. His problem is he is BORED and frustrated with his life, because inside his mind he feels like a much younger man who is trapped in a frail, aging body, and he's frustrated about it. And of course I feel for him. HOWEVER. He and I have always butted heads, and in recent years I have not been able to help feeling frustrated with him, because he is refusing to age gracefully, and he is taking out his own feelings on my mom and all of us, and it hasn't been much fun. He balked at retirement till it was way past the time to do so, and it got so complicated because he didn't pull the trigger on it at the time that it would have been convenient - instead, he waited till he was recovering from heart surgery, there was a global pandemic and a recession, and the real estate market got complicated. He missed the timing, in my opinion, and made it harder than it had to be. How do I say all this to the officer? DO I say it? My father has one problem, and one problem only. He is angry that he's getting old, and he thinks it's unfair. This is a man who is a doctor, and whose life work has been helping human beings with the natural problems of aging. And yet, he is acting like he thought it wouldn't happen to him. (*and oooh, sidebar - now I've officially devolved into just writing current thoughts and memories, not returning to email. I think I just have too much to say that hasn't been said)

At the precise time where I should be more soft, worried, empathetic and emotional about my family - I am feeling infuriated and my patience has run out. It's occurring to me that my dad has done this intentionally because he's just having a hard time dealing with himself, and I'm just super angry. He's putting us through the wringer because he can't get a handle on his own emotions, and I'm pissed that he's being immature and super unfair to us all. But. I can't say this. I keep it to myself.

By the way - its about 6 pm, now, and I just want to say that all this time, from the very start of like 12:15 pm - I've been in touch with my sister Rithers in Washington DC, and she's been involved in the situation the entire time by phone and text. And she's worried sick. Her husband K is worried sick. Her kids H2O and Nini come to know, and they're worried sick. My mom is worried sick. Dr. Spouse is at Threat Level Nine of anxiety. My kids are worried and also feeling my absence, because I've had to unceremoniously dump them afterschool that day, and it's outside of our norm and it just amplifies the gravity of the situation. They can feel the tension in the air, and it's super uncomfortable. This will get worse as time goes on. LOOK AT ALL THE PEOPLE THIS IS AFFECTING. I'm just building a dark storm cloud in my mind thinking of it, of all the people affected, and how his unhappiness and rash decision is now pulling so many people into a vortex of despair. And I'm balancing my calm, rational, take-charge and problem-solving personality and calm, problem-solving outer affect, with my inner fury that all of this has been caused by a Man-Baby having a Tantrum.

Anyway. Its about an hour or two of this controlled chaos of cops at my mom's house, before finally, they announce that they're all going to be leaving for the night - that certain departments are going to continue Search/Rescue overnight, but that they themselves would be resuming after sunrise in the morning. My mom and I say goodbye and shut the door, and then suddenly - it's just us. Silence. We don't even know what to say. Eventually she just goes, "let's eat dinner," and we both fix ourselves a bowl of rice and rasam and eat unceremoniously standing at the kitchen counter. I don't know if we even tasted our food. Afterwards, we get in my car, almost without talking about a plan, and start driving around. Just driving around. We go up and down the streets of her neighborhood, then out to the town center, then up/down some of the long suburban boulevards with sidewalks where people sometimes walk. We drive slowly through some strip malls, paying attention to some of the benches and bus stops in case he is resting or has fallen asleep somewhere.

We do the rounds at the three small and normally super-quiet hotels in our town, make inquiries at the concierge desks. Nothing.

We pull up to three separate (LOCKED FOR THE NIGHT) public parks, and I recall my Spartan Race training days and haul my 45-year-old, out of shape ass up and over several metal fences, and jog around in the dark with my iPhone flashlight on, hoping maybe I'll see this guy. No dice.

(I am leaving my elderly mother alone in a double-parked car outside a desolate, dark park each time I do this - which also helps my anxiety TONS. And it helps her anxiety tons to know that her beloved daughter who has left her husband and children at home is now running solo in the pitch-black night in desolate, dark parks. Lucky us.)

We go to a couple of gas stations that are still open, and talk to attendants, show his picture. But its the night shift, and anyone who was working earlier in the day is long gone now, The night shift folks are kind and promise to bring up the issue to their bosses and relief shift folks who come on after sunrise, and we thank them - but we know its all a really long shot at this point.

(Is that a random photo? Yes. Random phone number from one gas attendant, who was trying to be helpful and providing her the number of the station's general manager to see if we could get some security camera footage. Again, random picture. But it lives in my memory of the Horror Movie night, so here it is.)

By the way - I've got to pause and bring up a whole other thing here. We are alone in this. And yet, we are not alone. I don't realize it entirely in the moment, but we are not alone.

There is the Missing Persons report and press release, which begin a life of their own at this point.

I have shared the Missing Persons report and press release with a few WhatsApp groups I belong to. There is a Whatsapp group for fellow people of Indian origin who live in our suburban town, and I share it there. I share it with my mom's subdivision WhatsApp group. I share it on NextDoor. A PTA friend of mine texts me to say hi, unaware of this - and in our conversation, I say "hey, sorry, can't talk much, my family is dealing with an emergency right now," and I copy/paste the link. She flies into a panic - understandably - and asks, hey I know this is really personal and I'm sorry you're going through it, but I want to help, and I know many others do too. Do you mind if I share this? Do you trust me to share this in a way that might help your family? And I think to myself, fuck, what do I have to lose - and I give her the green light. CHIIIIIIILD - does she share it. Does she ever share it. She shares it to our entire PTA board, to the broader chat for important members of our elementary school community, and then she goes and shares it to my older child's middle school chat boards. Within about an hour of my first share - - the press release has now been read by over 6000-7000 people in my community, AT LEAST. And of course from there, likely more - people then shared to their church groups, their kids' scouting and activity groups, to their gyms, to their biking clubs, to EVERYTHING. EVERYONE KNOWS. And it is very, very overwhelming to think of that..... a part of me is cringing and dying.

But, also, a bunch of candles suddenly start flickering in the dark - - and I realize, there are total strangers out there who jump into action to try and help us. A biking club circulates my dad's picture, and every member of this 200+ member biking club is biking around town looking for him. People in my parents' subdivision each get on their Ring cameras, looking for evidence to help us - -AND ONE OF THEM FINDS a video of my dad walking down the street, and we FINALLY SEE THE FUCKING SHIRT HE WAS WEARING. We screenshot and send it to the cops, who are all excited to have a photo.

(Isn't that photo random? Random shirt from the Gap Factory Outlet website. This is the shirt my dad was wearing, that we saw on a neighbor's Ring camera footage, and then looked up on the Gap Factory Outlet website because my mom recognized it as "the shirt I bought him from the Gap Factory Outlet a few months ago!" Random photo. But again, it has a permanent place in the Horror Movie film reel).

THEN. Then, then, then. HERE they come. Here come my people. The ENTIRE board of our school PTA, my new friends, my new partners in crime. Remember the Suck Zone? The tornado that I got sucked into?! The hardest job I've ever worked for no money?! THOSE PEOPLE. The people who have been working it with me. THEY SHOW UP. EN MASSE. It is like an entire Marine Squadron metaphorically assembling on my lawn. They are suited up, in formation, READY. MANY of them - not one, not two - MANY of them - - drop everything they are doing that day, hit the pause buttons on their own lives, their jobs, their families, their kids. They GET IN THEIR CARS, and they start driving around. And they get their SPOUSES to drive around. And two of them call all the others and say "drop your kids off at our houses, we will watch them, and you go drive around, and you find Evolver’s dad." CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS SHIT. They did this for us. And a tsunami of gratitude just knocks me over, standing there in the kitchen.

One of my best friends - my closest friend in our town, and I'm gonna call her Aunt Lynchpin, b/c her name starts with L and my kids call her Aunt L - has left her husband at home with her two daughters, and is driving around nonstop looking for my dad. She has known what we've been going through the last few years, she knows the whole backstory. And she says "you are going to do WHATEVER you need to do the next few days, and we are here for you. If you call to ask me if I can help you or if you can do X, Y, or Z - I'm going to be upset. CALL ME, or show up here, and just say 'do this.' And we will do it. I am your family." I take her up on this like five thousand times over the next two days.

Last but not least - my two college besties that live out of state, Y-Clef and Bonez - we have been on the horn in our group chat on WhatsApp since long before everything devolved into a tailspin. We are all three navigating the woes of the sandwich generation right now, with aging/infirm parents, and we've been supporting each other through that for a few years now... so they were the first to know, and were a constant source of support via text throughout the day.

Anyway, back to me and mom..... after our rounds, we drive back home around 10-10:30 pm, and we both take showers and get into our pajamas. But then, we walk out to the living room, look at each other silently, and almost without discussion, go back out to the car - - and do it all over again. Driving around aimlessly, without a plan, without leads, just looking out the windows. It's very late at this point and the streets of our sleepy suburban town are empty, with zero cars. I can drive with my high-beams on for most of the time without disturbing anyone else, but it's all to no avail. No sign of my dad.

Around midnight or so, we return home. By my car's odometer, we have logged over 45 miles of driving in about 2 hours, just going back and forth within our own small town. We know we've covered everywhere there is to cover at that point that (we believe) is within walking distance, since we was on foot. Demoralized. We silently head to our beds - my mom to her room, and me in the guest bedroom where my kids frequently spend the night. I don't fall asleep though. I'm texting my sister for awhile, then Dr. Spouse for awhile... and when they both fall asleep, I call around to three or four hospitals in my area, speak to the Emergency Room staff if there have been any John Does, and then I ask to be transferred to the Morgue. No unidentified bodies. Then I spend a few hours online researching funeral homes in my area that offer cremation services. Then I start looking at flight option for my sister to fly in from DC, and for relatives and friends to fly in from New Orleans. I am preparing for a funeral. I am positive this man is dead. I create a OneNote in my phone with a list of family members that we are going to have to notify, and I put stars next to the names of people we are going to have to fly in from New Orleans, from India. I visit the URL's of several Hindu temples from Houston, Dallas, Atlanta, and I jot down email addresses and numbers. I'm going to have to fly in a priest to perform the last rites. Tomorrow is the day that I'm going to get the call that they have found my father's dead body. So I am going to have some basic information and resources at my fingertips so that in the morning, WHEN we have to deal with the next part of this - I am not caught unprepared. I am going to have to drive this bus, I am going to have to steer this ship. So I better be ready. I'm completely in command of my emotions. I don't shed a single tear. I am in battle mode. I know at some point I go to the kitchen for a glass of water, and I see a faint light from my mom's room. I glance in there - she's in her recliner chair, sleeping. She's not in her bed.

I wake up (wake up? Did I sleep?) around 5 am and decide to quietly drive back to my own house, eat breakfast, take a shower, and be a part of my children's morning routine before school. They don't know it, but this is going to be their very last morning of their lives where they believe their grandfather is alive. I should be there.

Social media has blown up overnight. WhatsApp has blown up overnight. My voicemail starts blowing up before sunrise. Hundreds of people are DMing me saying "I think I saw a guy here! I think I saw a guy there!" and 100% of it is not fruitful. Most people mean well and are trying to be supportive, but it is all taking time and energy to deal with. I am filled with a sense of dread. I author 3-4 boilerplate responses and save them on my phone, and I start copying/pasting.

Also, the police reports have gone out to all local news outlets. Again, overnight, the links have been shared across social media. Our entire community is going to know about this by 7 am, and their friends are likely going to know at school. I fire off emails to the kids' teachers, principals, and school counselors to give them the information, and I write a heartfelt, desperate paragraph at the end of each asking them to please help me shelter my children from unkind comments or any breaking news of gruesome discoveries. I haven't been emotional about anything for nearly 24 hours now, but if anything gets to me a little, it's this moment. I need help to protect my kids from what we are going to find out today, and I need to beg the help of strangers with this.

BAM. IMMEDIATELY. A phalanx of people from Dey's elementary school assemble and report for duty. It shocks and overwhelms me at their individual, and yet coordinated, responses. Dey's teacher is PHENOMENAL. She calls me, ON THE PHONE, like a human being. We talk. She is besides herself, but then at the same time, ANOTHER PERSON STEERING THE SHIP, and I am sooooo grateful to have another set of hands holding the wheel. I have 100% that she is going to Mama Bear RAGE-defend my child from any and all scariness and negativity. Then elementary school vice-principal and counselor call me on speaker. They are a FORTRESS. They all metaphorically link arms, mount up, and tell me that they are enveloping Dey with an invisible shield of love and protection, and that they've got our backs. I am verklempt for the first time.

As for Vev's school community - his principal, his school counselor, his two most trusted teachers in middle school that I've reached out to. Do I hear anything? ..... Alas. I don't. And, of course my rational brain understands. This is all relatively breaking news, and I can't expect people to drop everything and immediately come running for me. But, I confess the Mommy Heart And Mind are a little anxious, and disappointed. I would have hoped to have heard from someone, ANYONE, that they'd gotten my message and would at least give a nod of assent that they'd do whatever little thing they could to help my kid. But - my kid is not at a warm, fuzzy elementary school anymore. He's in the Lion's Den of Middle School. Aside from it being middle school, with all the coordinating social intricacies and pressures - it is also HUGE! Over 2200 students. I think it's just a lot to navigate at every level. I am worried... and apparently, to my even greater heartache, Vev is too. He has social awareness, and he's not a baby anymore. He's very in tune with his family and friend group dynamics, and he's growing up fast - he can read between lines, and he can read silences. He's been observing the events of the last day, and I KNOW he's definitely connected plenty of dots along the way.

Over breakfast, Vev quietly asks me, "are there going to be paparazzi at my school?"

......... (heart breaking emoji)

I hug him tight, and take a moment to find some words. My head is swirling. I can't even imagine how he feels. Middle school is medieval enough without having to juggle the sickness of worrying if your grandfather is alive and well, the sympathy you're feeling towards your own parents and grandma for their anxiety, plus the social anxiety of worrying if you're friends are gonna talk about this issue to you, gossip about this, tease you about it, or if you're going to forever be branded "that kid whose grandpa went missing." Jesus. I spin for a few seconds.

Then, I woman up, and have a mom-conversation with my firstborn son, where I coach him on some responses he can say, some actions he can take. I tell him that this whole experience isn't just about his grandpa - that its an experience we are all going through, and we all have the right to feel our own feelings about it, and do whatever we want to help ourselves through it. I tell him he's allowed to say whatever he wants to say in response to people - - or, he's allowed to say nothing at all if he doesn't want to talk about it. I tell him that it is perfectly okay to tell people "Thanks for your concern, but honestly I don't wanna talk about it." That's allowed. And lastly, I say that if anything gets to be too much today, TURN YOUR WATCH ON (I don't even care if it's not allowed) and call me or daddy immediately. I will pick you up.

Not much else to do after that. I had told BOTH kids before school that day that if something happened and we had an update on their grandpa, that I might get busy that day and we'd all need to adjust as a family - so to be prepared that their Aunt Lynchpin (my close friend that I mentioned above, might be picking them up from school today and having them hang out with her till I-don't-know-when. They are agreeable to this.

It's about 5 minutes before Vev has to be dropped at his school bus that it happens. So to my relief in some ways, he got to be present for this next moment that happened. He got to take off for school that day with at least some solace and answers. My phone rings - and it is my mom. She is gushing a mile a minute. Around 8:30 am that morning, on Tuesday, October 27th, my mom gets a call from a strange number.  OMG, it was him. It was my dad.  

To be continued.

[indigo474]

the untethered soul 11-19-24

a good book. I listened to it this morning. I woke up early - around 4- I couldn't sleep. the untethered soul was on my YouTube playlist. I've listened to it before -I always fall asleep but this morning was different. I got a text from Marci- her dad passed away this morning- the morning of her total shoulder replacement. I had a few days off from work. I spent the weekend painting my bed room. it's not perfect and i'm not completely done yet. BUT- its good enough and I am happy and feel like I accomplished something. every where I look something needs to be done. the problem is I don't know how to do what needs to be done. I sometimes wonder if I made a mistake buying a place. its scary to not have anyone to call- not just about home stuff but about life stuff. I get tired of figuring things out on my own. I was feeling it saturday- I painted all day and wanted to go to the gym. on a Saturday night- I imagine most people are spending Saturday night going on dates and here I am going to the gym. I had to remind myself-there are worse things than being alone. I get to the gym and they close in 20 minutes- why? because normal people are out doing fun stuff with people they love on Saturday night. I ran on Sunday- my hip still hurts . I manage to run 3 miles but it hurt. I'm going to the doctor on friday. my hip only hurts when I run-sometimes when I get up from sitting. mostly when I run which is funny because all I want to do is run. I squatted heavy Monday and felt great. I went for a walk - no pain. I almost got into a road rage incident. I felt horrible because the guy was obviously unhinged. i'm not even sure how he saw me give him the finger because I didnt lift my hand of the steering wheel-only my finger. he almost pulled out in front of me- he decided to stop at the last second- he was in a rental truck- I get it - not your car having a little fun. I mean if your going to drive around like a dick you cant be too surprised if someone gives you the finger. he was going to make a left but as I passed him he decided to make a right and follow me. he got behind me acting all big and bad like he was going to do something and I started becoming unhinged- I was hoping he would follow me so what? we could fight? I dont know. I turned off and he kept going and for a split second I thought about following him and it was at that moment I understood road rage. I beat myself up about it because I know better and usually don't engage in that short of thing. I wish I could tell him I was sorry and that he scared me and I hope he heals.. back to work tomorrow. I had a "good" week last week. tomorrow 2 new reps move - I have 2 reviews to write- 1 review to .. review and one of my reps made a huge mistake that i'll have to address with her. the good news is its already wednesday. it was nice having off- Saturday i'll finish my room- another trip to the home improvement store. I don't know what I'm going to do about this race I signed up for. I'm pretty sure I could run 3 miles with a bad hip- I'm not sure about 5. I really really enjoyed my time off from work and I love my home. I wish I had someone to share my life with .

[wykedstories]

Chapter 3: The Gossip Sesh

It's Tuesday evening and I'm finally home from school getting ready to take a deep breath before having to deal with my family for the night. Man oh man i'm over the  day and i'm so ready to isolate myself in my room and go over the scenario with vince today 20x. Meanwhile I open the door to smell my favorite thing in the world and that's bacon. I'm pretty sure mom is making BLT’s or breakfast for dinner tonight. I marched my way into the kitchen to find out what kind of yummy stuff she's cooking up, and boy was I right, it was BLT’s! “Hey leah how was school today hun? I haven't heard much from you this week?”.

 “I’m okay i guess, today really wasn't the best day at school but i'll get through it like any other day you know”. 

“I get it honey, just have some dinner and go decompress”. 

“Thanks mom, it's awesome to come home to one of my favorite dinners. That really makes the night so much better”. 

I took two sandwiches and went upstairs to my room and determined how I'm going to “decompress”, as mom said downstairs. I suppose I could call Darcy and vent about Vince Myers being a top tier on edge asshole, or I could grab my paintbrush and start a new project I would likely never finish. After about 15 minutes of going back and forth in silence. I decided that I was going to have the best of both worlds! 

I'm going to call Darcy and vent while simultaneously starting a painting that I'll never finish if I don't sit down for the next five hours and go full OCD to finish it. I quickly dial up Darcy's number on my phone like I have it memorized or something! The phone rings about 3 times before I hear the excitement in her voice “Leah, hey girl hey anything fun happen today”? I responded quickly to her since in fact something “fun” did happen today. “Girl Vince Myers is an asshole” I said to her  in a sneer tone of voice. 

“ Girl, no way? What happened? You were just obsessed and now you're totally turned off by him. What the hell happened Leah”?

 “Well” I sighed “ you know I daydream a lot and this almost seemed like it just manifested itself right into reality because , I was just daydreaming about how I could talk to him for the first time like your smartass dropping your books comment this morning”.

“So basically what happened was I left my 2nd period science class and headed to math. Well little did i know, the stairs had a vendetta out for me and boy oh boy i tripped and fell face first into Vinces locker! I mean Darcy I really ate that shit”! “Then to make the situation worse what he said to me was so utterly rude, i was like okay asshole someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed”. 

“Girl what did he say”? Darcy quickly snapped back. I could tell she was excited to have something to gossip about considering there's been nothing exciting happening at all in months. Darcy is gonna be mad but i've been staring at these BLTS and man they look good especially because mom fries my bacon extra extra crispy, she knows I love it that way! 

“ Okay okay Darcy I'll tell you but I'm going to take a few  bites of my sandwich before I get into the thick of it with you”!

 “ GIRL WHAT, you are gonna do me that way UGH, I guess you are allowed  to eat but how dare you get me all worked up and then BOOM suspense has been input into the conversation”. 

“ I'm sorry” I mumbled through my mouth as I tried to hurry up and eat so I could continue to give this girl her gossip. I swear she should be a journalist or something like that because she is always trying to chase a story, drama or anything that really catches her attention. I respect her though, and she is my best friend. I manage to finish my first sandwich while I listen to Darcy ramble on about how she wishes she was better at makeup, hair, style, and all this other stuff most normal girls care about. Not me though, I do my makeup and hair occasionally, big emphasis on occasionally, because until Vince came around I never really gave two flying shits. As for style now that's something I really dont give two shits about. I'm a comfort gal all the way. “Leah uh um are you done now i want to know the tea girlfriend”.

 “ yes yes im done darcy, so he was just really rude and said something like can't you watch where you're going now people are gonna think im beating up girls with locker doors and i don't need that shit.”.

“Girl that definitely was snippy but don't you think it's possible he's not an ass and he is just having a tough day”? 

“I guess so,” I replied. “Maybe I am just thinking too much into it”. “So darcy, do you think maybe i should just let it slide this time and not paint him to be a total dickface’? Darcy replied extremely quickly

 “yes i think you should tone it down tiger”. 

I'm still on the phone with Darcy but we are both kind of doing our own thing you know, like what bestfriends do. They just sit on the phone in silence doing two separate things. She's looking up fresh makeup looks and I'm over here painting a sunflower. Each stroke is decimating a little bit  of anxiety with each new detail that's brought to life. “Darcy it's getting late girl i think i'm gonna lay down and call it a night. Wanna meet early tomorrow at school to catch breakfast together”? 

“Okay Leah, I love you babes. Breakfest sounds amazing but how about we ditch the school and go to starbucks? Pick me up at say 6:30 am”? 

“That's a perfect plan, let's do it. I'll see you tomorrow morning. I love you darcy".

I sat back against my head board and took a deep breath just to realize I am anxious again. I guess it really is time for bed now. I grab my paintbrushes and my cup of murky brown gray water and head to the bathroom to rinse my brushes out and prep them to be put up. I get to the bathroom and clean all the excess paint out of the brushes  and decide I'll brush my teeth and wash my face while I'm already here since self care is important according to my psychologist. As I'm walking back to my room I noticed the sound of rain hitting our tin roof, and let me tell you, that's such a comforting sound. I'm a lover of thunderstorms. They tend to relax me. It's a sign in the right direction that I'll get a good night's rest. 

[makangerous]

Fukuya Rank 4 (Temperance Confidant)

You receive a text message from Fukuya.

I'm not ignoring you, Emi. I just can't think of a topic for our next class. My mind's filled with fog. Maybe it's time for a change of pace. Want to meet me by the front gate after school?

You find him loitering outside Shujin Academy.

Hello, Emi. I've decided to not take any tutoring requests tonight. I'm just too tired. Even my instant coffee's not easing my exhaustion. But I hate going to bed early. I can't stop thinking of everything I need to do, and I wind up not sleeping at all. So why don't we go to the aquarium? I know a bunch of cool fish facts the exhibits don't tell you. Plus, fish are calming.

You nod.

Great. Please leave if I start spouting incoherent nonsense, though. I don't want to waste your time.

At the aquarium, Fukuya is staring intently at a colorful fish and singing quietly to himself.

♪ Fishy fishy fishy… If you only have one eye, you're still a cute little fishy. Fishy fishy happy fishy… If you have no eyes, you're only a fshhhhhh… ♪

>Is that a cool fish fact?

Indeed it is. It's VERY cool. …Shit, I said something strange, didn't I? Was it the fish with no eyes joke? I really hate these intrusive thoughts sometimes.

I'll be honest with you. You know the last time I passed out in Kawakami's class? I wasn't trying to do that. My hand just started shaking when I was taking notes. Then all of a sudden, my mouth dried out and filled with a really sour, burning taste, like I was drinking battery acid. I bent over to get water from my bag, but the room started spinning, then whump, I was out. The nurse gave me a note to give to Dr. Takemi about my symptoms. There's no way in hell I'm going through that trouble, though. It's hard enough simply getting out of bed in the morning. Everything seems horrendously slow…

>You sound really sick.

I'll be fine. It should only take another week at most… Then it will be out of my system, and everything will be back to normal again. It's not anything contagious, either, so don't worry.

I'm not even sure why I'm telling you this. It's none of your business. Maybe this can be today's lesson, though. This is what happens when you don't manage your time well. I overexerted myself, and I hit a wall. I wanted to make everyone happy, so I only saw one way forward. One way to have time to do it all… But I paid the price. I'm still paying it, every single day. …You should go home now. You shouldn't see me in this state.

You comply, but in front of Leblanc, you decide to give Fukuya a call.

Emi? What do you want?

>I'm here for you.

You wouldn't be saying that if you knew the whole story. Stop offering to help with things you know nothing about.

Still, thank you for checking in on me. I've realized you're not being nice to people out of mere obligation. You sincerely want to help… I shouldn't tell you to lose that part of yourself. Hm, actually, I thought of a real fish fact now. Want to hear it? The blobfish thrives under pressure. Swimming around in the deep sea, it looks pretty normal, almost like a tadpole. When all that pressure's taken off of it, it becomes squishy and vulnerable. The lack of weight bearing down on it should be freeing, but its body literally doesn't know how to exist without it. Some people are the same way… Anyway, I'm going to try and force myself to rest. Thanks again.

[casspurrjoybell-19]

Does it Matter? - Chapter 55 - Part 2

*Warning: Adult Content*   

Bug sat on the bed, staring at his hands.

He took a deep breath in and let it out.

There were so many emotions mixed up inside of him.

"What are we going to do?"

Dara let out a long sigh as he sat back down on the bed next to Bug.

"I hate and love both options in equal measure. I want to be free, to see my family again, to go home but I don't want to leave Maric. I want to stay with him but if that means being a slave forever, never having freedom or seeing my family again... I don't know."

Bug nodded slowly.

"What are your thoughts?"

"I thought Brayan was my destiny. All my life I believed that. I told you about the vision I'd been having for years that was fulfilled this morning, but there was another I had with Brayan in it. One where the two of us were together, up in the mountains. That was what convinced me to stay instead of joining the Wrasher."

"That was why you asked Maric if they could come with us? I had thought that an odd question..."

Bug nodded.

"But maybe Brayan is right. Maybe these visions can be deceptive. What I have with Brayan is not what I expected my relationship with the man in my vision to be like. Maybe it has the potential to be but Brayan is right that this exact point in time is not what I was led to believe. I don't know that those mountains I saw were in Ticia. For all I know, the future I saw was one where I stay with Brayan as they return to their normal duties. They serve near the border, after all. The mountains look similar on both sides of it."

"Does that mean you want to leave?"

Bug swallowed and looked down.

He nodded.

"I have family. I know you do too but I haven't been gone nearly as long. My parents only had two children and they'll be struggling without me. My older sister was with child when I was taken, too. I'll have a niece or nephew now who I've never met. I let myself believe that Brayan, all of this, was my destiny but if I can have my freedom and my family and my home back..."

Bug's voice broke.

"Dara."

Dara wrapped an arm around Bug and pulled him close.

"We'll go, then."

Bug leant away to look at him.

"Really?"

Dara nodded.

"I'm not sure what I want but I won't stand in the way of your freedom."

"Do you think Maric will really be okay with that?"

"I think Maric made the offer with the intention of honoring whatever we decided. Whether he'll be okay, whether I will..."

Dara sighed.

"I suppose we'll see."

"I hope you will be and Brayan and the prince, too. Well, I'm sure Brayan will be but..."

Bug shook his head.

"I haven't known them long but they seem like good people. They must be, if they're willing to do this. You're a healer, quite a thing to willingly give up but the prince didn't seem to be concerned about that at all. Only how much he would miss you."

Dara let out a shaky breath.

"I know. I wish I could take him home with me, introduce him to my family and show him where I grew up but I can't have both. I'm glad you're here, a part of this decision because there is no right choice for me. I feel like I would inevitably regret whichever path I chose if it were only for myself but if it's the right thing by you, I can't truly regret it."

"I'm glad it helps. I don't want to make you feel like you have to do this for me but I can't pretend I don't mind whether we stay or go. Maybe that's selfish, given how much more important you are than me..."

"Stop," Dara interrupted.

"I'm not. The value of two slaves can be compared but Eth are equal. What you would sell for means nothing."

"You're right. My parents never let me think I was better than my sister just because I had an ability and she didn't."

"My family was the same," Dara said.

"Healers are rare and my family was happy when my ability began to emerge but I still had to muck the stables, brush and feed the horses. It never crossed my mind to think that I was too good for such things. My family ran a ranch, so those were things we all did. Like any child, I complained about chores at times but I don't think I would have been happy if they had told me I didn't have to do them anymore because I was a healer. I wouldn't have wanted to be singled out like that."

"Do you know where your family is now?"

Dara shook his head.

"We took the horses and fled. We were always ready to. I don't know where they would have ended up."

"We'll find them," Bug assured him.

"I'm not sure where my family will be exactly at this point either but I know how to hunt for food, start a fire, find water. We can travel from town to town looking for as long as it takes."

"I was never much of a hunter, but I think I remember enough about survival and travelling that I won't be a burden."

"There was never any danger of that."

Dara gave Bug a fond smile, then sighed as it slowly dropped from his face.

"I suppose I shouldn't leave Maric waiting any longer. I should go and tell him what we've decided."

Bug nodded.

"I'll let you have that conversation with him alone. There are parts of this that are just between the two of you."

Dara wrapped his arms around Bug, pulling him into a hug.

"Thank you."

"I'll wait here, I suppose," Bug said as they pulled apart and Dara stood.

"Hopefully Brayan won't mind me being in his room a little longer."

"He didn't seem to mind your being in his room one bit last night," Dara said, shooting Bug a grin before leaving the room and shutting the door beside himself.

[sparkykadachi]

My HeartGold Nuzlocke Attempt Part 1

Hullo. I recently started a Nuzlocke in Pokemon HeartGold and decided I wanted to chronicle it here. Hope you find it entertaining!

So let me establish what specific rules I'm running here:

I can only catch the first Pokemon I find per new location

If a Pokemon faints, it "dies" and I can't use it anymore. If all my Pokemon die, the run is over

I must nickname all my Pokemon to become attached to them

I'm allowing myself to use items to make things easier since I typically don't do Nuzlockes, but there will be no save scumming

The Nuzlocke doesn't actually begin until I get Pokeballs

And that's it. Anyway!

I start the game, pick the gorl because cute and go with the name Sparky. For my starter, I typically lean towards the water starters and I wanted to have something I'm more familiar with for this run since I don't do these often, so I go with Totodile and name him Pocky. Anyway, Elm wants me to talk to some dude on Route 30. On my way, some old man in Cherrygrove City is hopped up on crack or something and is sprinting around the town explaining to me that "you can buy stuff in shops!" and "water Pokemon like to live in water!" Yeah yeah, shut up, I know more than you. So I go do Elm's busy work, Professor Oak is there, but then Elm calls me to inform me he's getting his ass beat by a child and needs help. On the way back, I run into said child and he challenges me to a fight with the Chikorita he stole. I beat him and he runs off but drops his trainer card...somehow, so I catch a glimpse at his name. I get back to Elm and he's still crying about being beat up by a child and I tell the police that the kid's name...is "a bitch." This way, every time we run into each other, it'll say "a bitch wants to battle!" (very mature, I know).

Anyway, Ethan gives me the rundown on catching Pokemon that I just mash through because SHUT UP, I KNOW MORE THAN YOU! He gives me some balls and the Nuzlocke officially begins. It was 8pm irl, so the first Pokemon I run into was a Hoothoot. I love this bird. One of my favorite birds. Hell yeah I caught it. It was female, so I named it MeiMei (shout outs to Nanashi Mumei). Before moving on, I head over to Route 46 to try and build up my team a bit. I run into a Geodude which I wasn't expecting. Not my favorite, but I'll take it. Unfortunately, the only damaging attacks I had access to at the time were scratch, tackle, and...water gun. Naturally the normal type moves weren't doing a lot, so I try out water gun in the hopes that maybe it won't kill and I can get a catch. But apparently Pocky said "FUCK THIS GEODUDE IN PARTICULAR" and landed a critical hit on it...moving on...

The following morning, I headed toward Violet City and ran into a Ratata along the way that I affectionately named "DaGiantRat" (shout out to Jerma985). Before attempting the gym or Bellsprout Tower, I decided to catch some more Pokemon on Route 32 where I found a Mareep I named "Marshmallo" (character limit heh) and the Ruins of Alph (take a wild guess what I caught there)...I named my Unown "B" because...it was a B. Anyway, I go to grind my team so they hopefully won't die, but apparently B's hidden power was not very effective against the wild Bellsprout nearby...so the Bellsprout smelt weakness. B ended up dying to a critical hit vine whip...shame... While grinding, MeiMei learned peck and Marshmallo learned thunder shock which made short work of the trainers with Bellsprout and Hoothoot in the Bellsprout Tower (kinda misleading name when the trainers...also have Hoothoot there) and I decided I'm ready for Falkner. He's a flying type gym leader, so Marshmallo was the one taking point and she ended up sweeping the entire gym. First badge down and we've lost...nothing worthwhile...

Anyway, this is where I stopped. I plan on playing more since I've never actually finished a Nuzlocke, so maybe I'll make a part 2 for this. Thanks for reading :)