#I've come more to peace with being disabled. it's been 4 years. I've had time to get used to the thought now. it's ok.

[chqnified]

People who are truly your friend will not leave you behind attempting to catch up or exclude you from things just because you're disabled. They won't make fun of you just because you have learning disabilities. They won't claim it's too difficult for them to correctly refer to you by the right pronouns just because you're queer.

If they do, they aren't a friend. Get yourself some new ones and you'll start to feel a whole lot happier

[waterdeepthroat]

i've been having a lot of Thoughts about him so i'm gonna paste some denandras backstory facts under the cut:

Grew up in Menzoberranzan as an entertainer (lower-class male drow, but not a slave)- born Szin'eth (meaning “pleasure taken [by someone else]”)

Raised in Duthcloim (commoner district– known for brothels & The Bazaar) in Menzoberranzan (born 1296 DR, came to the surface 1433 DR)– came from Menzoberranzan up to the surface through Mirabar

Left Menzoberranzan after being held captive by House Tor’duis, scarred by all of the torment that captivity by a drow house usually entails

Came south through Luskan with dreams of joining Bregan D’aerthe to become part of some sort of male drow resistance movement– his expectations were certainly different than Bregan D’aerthe’s reality

Upon seeing how male surface drow act, and confusing drow society’s high regard of women with a desire to be one, Szin'eth decided to try to live as a woman (1435 DR)

He did several odd jobs as an entertainer (not a true bard, at this point being unable to wield any magic other than what his race allowed) as he made his way south over the course of several years, as Briziffyn (meaning graceful entertainer). He became uncomfortable with this by 1458 DR, and resumed living as a man (masculinizing his name to Bergafein, which shared the same meaning)

By 1480 DR,  Bergafein was left completely adrift– tried to study at a bardic academy and dropped out, faced plenty of casual racism, and even escaped kidnapping by House Tor’duis (meaning Mistresses of the Whip, the drow house that he last served/suffered under before escaping to the surface in the first place)

Made his way to Waterdeep in 1480, and became a gambler and wandering drunk, seeking out pleasure blindly in order to forget his past (and the discomfort he felt in his own skin)

Was found by chance at the Mermaid and Stars in Waterdeep (a gambling den) by the Eilistraeean priestess Luala (“bright seer”), who found him nearly drinking himself to death and brought him back to the Dancing Haven (the temple of Eilistraee in Waterdeep)

As he recovered from the considerable liver damage, Luala stayed with him as much as she could, and the two formed a strong bond. Bergafein wondered if this was the first time he’d ever truly had a friend. He mistook this for being in love with her, and offered himself to Luala. She rebuffed his advances but the two remained close. She told him she herself was once a priestess of Lolth, and once her drow house was slaughtered and she was forced up to the surface, she found redemption for the cruelty she’d inflicted on others as a Silverhair Knight. Luala was also disabled– something that should’ve marked her for death among drow society, but the circumstances of her birth allowed her to live and eventually claw her way to power. She noted that even by drow standards she was particularly cruel, seeing this as the only way to cement herself in the matriarchy

Fascinated by her story and still wanting to be near her, Bergafein tried to become a Silverhair Knight alongside her. However, he did not pass his trials, as a fairly new initiate of Eilistraee, and in 1482 DR, willingly underwent the Changedance to “better understand” both Eilistraee and his friend Luala

Over the course of a decade, Luala helped Bergafein (who, in 1483, took on the name Denandras– a name without meaning within the Forgotten Realms, as he wanted to distance himself from drow culture– coming from the Greek words meaning “not” and “man”) adjust to the effects of the Changedance. Functionally, Luala was around a level 8 peace domain cleric/level 4 college of eloquence bard, though in BG3 she’d likely appear as a Seldarine Drow life domain cleric of Eilistraee without bard levels. Denandras himself was never a Silverhair Knight, still favoring some of the more chaotic tactics he grew up with in Menzoberranzan and later honed in Luskan, a land famous for its pirates and tricksters, making him a rare trickery domain cleric of Eilistraee (despite trickery not technically being within her portfolio)

Eilistraee sent them south to Baldur’s Gate in 1491, having heard of a threat against Selûnites and Harpers in its outskirts (Eilistraee and Selûne were known for working together on occasion, both being goddesses associated with the moon– and Eilistraeeans had a longstanding tradition of either becoming or working closely with Harpers)

In late 1491 DR, Luala was captured by the Cult of the Absolute, and in order to strike fear into the heads of the Cult, Denandras briefly took on the name “Tav”, the name of an investigator who had come close to figuring out the Dark Urge’s identity while investigating a series of murders

In 1492 DR, Denandras discovered that Luala had been taken to Moonrise Towers– however, he never made it there, and was infected with a mind flayer parasite, which in turn weakened his ties to Eilistraee.

[stlellamellor]

at 9at last a real programme that tells close the story of the "burning eras "  there is still more but thank you so much... for the 1000 of people murdered.  I am proud to be a WITCH have been since I found my way home on 28th may 1999. + yes I was I introduced to new friends as STELLA the witch. In 2019 I became a town Councillor later that year 1 of the older cwac councillor was telling people I was a witch a robbed people soul... at this point my mentle health was really bad I didn't won't my own soul. 4 years ago tomorrow I made a choice sober that I couldn't live +like when I was a witch I found peace. (It's long +now I am grateful) watching your programme remind me of what she said and also what has been being said about me since I was re-elect last year +organising winsford 1st pride and again constantly for 2nd pride and standing in the general election for mid-cheshire a picture of grot-bags calling me a pedo. Ect. But it's right it's ti silence us. They spread so much hateI have always stuck up for people as a child, if I've seen wrong.  I've always asked questions. My dad passed away on 4th January 2022.  And my gay uncle 8th February 2022. My mums brother... I had my vote stolen they may and I no sounds like am crazy but am a town Councillor I never moved, married ect...I could be elected.. when u have depression... I don't lie because at 9 when I lied to my parents I nearly got kidnapped by a man who mention my boob's AT 9. I wouldn't wear a bra...he didn't say boob's... that lie nearly got me taken from my family... I am not perfect, life has been tough. But I see the world getting worse for us woman, disabled,  poor. Nothing has changed here in the north we r the forgotten salt towns...And I have always stuck up for people as a child, if I've seen wrong.  I've always asked questions. My dad passed away on 4th January 2022.  And my gay uncle 8th February 2022. My mums brother... I had my vote stolen they may and I no sounds like am crazy but am a town Councillor I never moved, married ect...I could be elected.. when u have depression... I don't lie because at 9 when I lied to my parents I nearly got kidnapped by a man who mention my boob's AT 9. I wouldn't wear a bra...he didn't say boob's... that lie nearly got me taken from my family... I am not perfect, life has been tough. But I see the world getting worse for us woman, disabled,  poor. Nothing has changed here in the north we r the forgotten salt towns..i have just my daughter helping me  not my sisters,  i care and ive paid on my credit card in hope that who ever does get in if they have listened to me... i care and i bee let down, many times...2 many used!!!...I am Standing in the general election And I have always stuck up for people as a child, if I've seen wrong.  I've always asked questions. My dad passed away on 4th January 2022.  And my gay uncle 8th February 2022. My mums brother... I had my vote stolen they may and I no sounds like am crazy but am a town Councillor I never moved, married ect...I could be elected.. when u have depression... I don't lie because at 9 when I lied to my parents I nearly got kidnapped by a man who mention my boob's AT 9. I wouldn't wear a bra...he didn't say boob's... that lie nearly got me taken from my family... I am not perfect, life has been tough. But I see the world getting worse for us woman, disabled,  poor. Nothing has changed here in the north we r the forgotten salt towns..i have just my daughter helping me  not my sisters,  i care and ive paid on my credit card in hope that who ever does get in if they have listened to me... i care and i be let down, many times...2 many used!!!...I am Standing in the general election I don't expect to win, come last. Where i was 4 years ago, where i was having to sheild in the pandemic,  4 years ago my mentle health was so bad, i didnt wont to be here. So coming last is nothing when you didnt even wont your life.  This is my life and now I am.glad to have it last place is fine with me. And standing up for the north. #northwest #blessed be

[silvysartfulness]

I posted 7,130 times in 2022

That's 205 more posts than 2021!

149 posts created (2%)

6,981 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@ebonykain

@chigrima

@cryptidsamoyed

@nientedal

@veliseraptor

I tagged 2,361 of my posts in 2022

#the untamed - 516 posts

#smile with tear emoji - 120 posts

#asksilvy - 105 posts

#refs - 99 posts

#i laughed - 89 posts

#note to self - 69 posts

#the happy songxuexiao roadtrip story - 68 posts

#blorbo from my shows - 52 posts

#beautiful - 45 posts

#oh tumblr... - 37 posts

Longest Tag: 104 characters

#you are in fact autistic please try to get help so just trying to live won't leave you disabled for life

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Chapter 48 - As The Waters Flow of Heaven Has A Road But No One Walks It is up! :D

The rains caught up with them at last, and any hope that it might ease the sweltering heat was thoroughly dashed – the air was so thick with humidity, it was worse than the mists back in Yi City, thick and heavy and hot.

And yet, despite the discomfort of damp, clinging robes and the relentless heat... there was a comfortable familiarity, a sense of peace to simply walking.

“I have been thinking, lately, about the flow of water,” Xiao Xingchen mused out loud, unthinkingly letting a nudge from Xue Yang's elbow steer him around yet some other puddle or muddy patch. “And I've realized that by setting my heart so firmly on what we hoped to achieve in Jinlintai, making it the one goal above all others... I blinded myself to the greater truth of what it is I – we - actually hope to do.”

“Of course,” Xue Yang amiably agreed, and he really should have seen the bad joke coming, he should have, “you are blind, Daozhang.”

—————————

Things are heating up, and it's not just the weather. 💚

I'm having a rough time with my creativity lately - please know that your comments and asks and fun tags are literally what keeps me going. If you enjoy this story and want more of it, please tell me so..? 🥺

Maybe even come hang out in my discord server? 💚

113 notes - Posted October 21, 2022

#4

See the full post

134 notes - Posted August 23, 2022

#3

Can't help but oblige and ask about your hc for the origins of Song Lan's mysophobia👀

I know I outright encouraged the question, but wow. 😂

So this was a headcanon I picked up for Heaven Has A Road after actually writing the events that partially gave rise to it.

When I was on vacation a couple of months back, I found myself without hand sanitizer after visiting a store, and after the last two years of pandemic and the super-strict regulations at that particular location, being unable to sanitize my hands for those few minutes before I got back to the hotel really made my skin crawl. Like there were potential pathogens all over them, to the point I could almost feel it.

And so logically, I thought to myself "Wow, this must be how Song Lan feels at all times."

And then my next thought was "Huh, and he was the one who immediately picked up on the abandoned zombie village having been devastated by a plague..."

So, a Song Lan who knows to spot the aftermath of a plague, a Song Lan obsessed with staying clean, avoiding closeness and touch... A Song Lan raised by a temple, because he had no family of his own...

Maybe the first plague he saw was his home village. Maybe toddler Song Lan was told by terrified relatives not to approach strangers, not to touch, wash your hands, keep clean - or the sickness will get you, will get us all...

And then it did.

Maybe Song Lan was taken in by Baixue because everyone else was gone. Dead. Their bodies twisted and swollen and festering, ruined and tainted by sickness. Uncleanness. And if you touch, if you get dirty, if you don't stay clean... It will get you too. Get you, and all those you care about.

He was too young to consciously remember any of it. In his mind, there's nothing before Baixue.

But after that, he never stopped compulsively washing his hands.

And he still can't make himself touch.

230 notes - Posted February 24, 2022

#2

Happy birthday, Xue Yang!

There will be happy endings in your future yet! ♥♥♥

253 notes - Posted July 23, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Just your casual reminder that when faced with an enemy knocked flat on his back, Xiao Xingchen’s reaction was to go straight for the heart.

No demanding he surrender. No using the spirit-trapping rope he carries in his sleeve to restrain him. No hesitation, no quarter.

In that moment, beautiful Bright Moon Xiao Xingchen was 100% down for ice cold murder, and you can’t tell me Xue Yang didn’t fall in love then and there. ♥

512 notes - Posted April 18, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[nerdygaymormon]

I'm considering leaving the church. I probably would have already if it was just me, and didn't affect my spouse and child. Just all of a sudden it didn't seem true to me anymore. The LGBT stuff has always bothered me, but Holland's talk broke the shelf I was putting everything on. Church history, issues with sexism/racism, the lack of transparency in tithing- I started looking at everything with a new lens. I don't know how I believed it so devoutly for so long and now it feels like I have to reframe my entire sense of reality. How is it that you still believe, if you don't mind me asking?

(Sorry to ask anon)

I had a faith crisis, it felt like learning the floor I stood upon actually was glass as it cracked & shattered. After falling through the floor and finding what I had thought was a solid foundation was in shambles, I was still attending BYU and couldn't stop going to church unless I was ready to get kicked out of school, and given how the Honor Code Office operates, wasn't sure I could get my credits transferred and I wasn't willing to walk away from years of work & tuition.

While continuing to attend church at school, it gave me time to think about what parts of my faith were worth holding onto, what parts still had meaning to me. The idea people can spend eternity together is beautiful. A community where we look out for each other. The Biblical ideas that we can see God in each of us, that we should serve and look out for the most vulnerable, and the migrant, criminal and disabled deserve dignity and to be treated fairly.

Those and more became the center of my beliefs, so when there's evidences that the Book of Abraham is fake or that Brigham Young was super racist or the Church's understanding of queer people is way off, it doesn't change how I feel about the core parts of what I believe.

Also, a few years ago I was so mad at the Church and was yelling at God over the November 2015 Policy of Exclusion. It was so blatantly discriminatory and homophobic, the exact opposite of what Christ taught about how He sees us, or how we should treat people. It was excluding instead of welcoming children, pushed away those on the peripheries. It was not loving your neighbor.

To my surprise, I felt like I got an answer, that it's okay to leave this church, to turn my back and walk away. But if I were willing to stay, there's a special work I can be part of:

Helping young gay Mormons accept themselves

speak to leaders and help them understand better

speak to youth of my stake about being gay

maybe have a chance to share my story as a gay Mormon

I decided if I really could be part of those 4 things then it was worth staying. I'm happy to say that while it hasn't always been easy to be here, I've gotten to be part of those 4 things.

I'm here because God invited me to stay, and that has changed how I think about this church. I no longer worry if this is the "true" church or if it's the only church or path to God. It's where God wants me for now and that's enough.

I'm not saying I have all the answers or want to be a church leader, but I have a perspective and some experience that I use to try to make it a better place. I try to show God isn't anti-queer and there's actually a lot of affirming messages in the scriptures, that a connection to the Divine is more important than a particular church, we can have disagreements with leaders and still work with them.

That's my answer to your question. I don't know if any of it will resonate with you or if you'll think I'm being a hypocrite. I know having a life built on the Church seems great until it doesn't, and that switch can happen very quickly.

You have a lot to think about, and some difficult conversations & decisions to make. I truly hope that you will come to a place where you feel inner peace and comfort.

[dabiboy]

Did someone order angst? Here it is! My heart broke while writing this, but I promise you, read all of it, it's angst to fluff and together with my broken Dabi piece this became one of my favorites too.

TW: blood, violence, death, curses. Also some manga spoilers.

In a Million Years

All of his body hurt. Different types of pain. What had happened? How much time has he been there? Hawks didn't know, and what woke him up was the annoying white light coming from the roof, that, and the blood dripping down his forehead.

The pain and the lack of weight on his back made him aware or the missing wings, but it was still hard to focus and to process how he got there.

"Are you finally going to tell us where the documents are, bird shit?" A male voice said out of nowhere. What documents?

"I don't know what are you talking about" He said weakly. His hands were tied behind his body, all of his limbs were in pain. And there were no feathers around to help him.

"The documents, now!" A kick in his face. Where the hell where his wings? Not even feathers?

"I have no idea what are you talking about!" Keigo hissed, trying to stay firm and not to break in front of those unknown man.

"Boss, the pidgeon won't talk"

"Oh, is that so?" Another man knelt down in front of him, pulling his golden locks to make him look up "Then let's make the bird sing" They laughed, standing up and walking away from him "bring the kid"

At the selection of words, Hawks eyes went wide open. Did they kidnap a kid? Was it the name of a villain? Fuck, wait a second. It couldn't be. His heart started beating faster and harder against his chest, hoping he was wrong. And then, his soul left his body, replacing it with fear and despair. When the huge metal gate opened, he saw it. A large man's hand on a tiny shoulder, a shaking shoulder. Haru had a bruised eye, tears were still wet on his cheeks as he hold on to his dino plushie, cucumber, with his last bits of strenght.

"Daddy!" He screamed and try to run to him, but the man didn't let him.

"Haru!" Keigo screamed, losing his mind, breaking his voice "What the fuck do you all think you're doing!" He tried to get away from the ropes grip, but it was impossible "Let him go! Please! He has nothing to do with all of this!"

"Are you gonna speak then?" One of the men asked.

"I know shit! I-I swear I don't just let him go" He kept moving, but when he did the man that was holding Haru pushed him down to the floor, his knees getting hurt. He started crying again.

"We'll start plucking him if you don't speak, fucking pidgeon"

"I swear I know nothing, I work for the commission, my father was a thief and a murderer, I was undercover with the league, I- I fucking killed Twice but please just don't hurt him, he's just a kid, he's just-" they cut him off when another kick was given to him, making him spit blood.

"Don't hurt my daddy!"

"Shut up you too" The other man did pressure, making Haru legs hurt thanks the hard concrete beneath him.

"Hey, hey kid. Look at me, it'll be fine, ok? It's fine. Just hold on a bit longer, I'll get us out of here" Keigo said with a trembling voice, blood covering his face together with sweat and dirt.

"And now you're lying to him. So pathetic." Haru's plushie was taken away from him, and the man kicked him towards Keigo's direction. "Fucking speak or next will be your damn child!" Rage was the only emotion in his voice, and Hawks was helpless than ever.

"I already told you everything! I-I don't know what the hell you're talking about," a sob "listen, I've got money, I can give you everything the fuck you want you can even kill me right here but let my son out of this" he spoke through his teeth, pain more evident than ever.

"You are worthless," their boss said "let him go, and the child to" a man started cutting the ropes that were holding Hawks, finally feeling peace "get rid of both of them" and with that last sentence, everything went to shit.

Haru was free from his grip too, running towards his dad who was still weak on the floor, and just two steps before he could make it to Keigo's arm, a deafening noise filled the room. A gunshot.

Hawks didn't even have the time to scream when his son fell to his arms, blood dripping his shirt.

"Haru!" He said, moving as he could, laying him on his leg as he pulled his bleeding torso to his body "No no no no, you fucking bastards!" A piercing scream left his throat, but the men were already gone. "Baby, baby come on. Look at me, please" he gave little slaps on his cheek, trying to make him open his eyes, while his free hand tried to put pressure on the wound. "Haru I need you to wake up, please my boy come on, stay here" his chin was trembling, tears running wild down his dirty cheeks "Someome help!" Keigo looked around, but it was only him and Haru.

"Dad?" He said weakly. "Where's... Cucum..." He was already slurring his words.

"What? Cucumber, your dino. Right here baby, there" after looking around, he streteched his arm towards the stuffed animal, giving it to Haru.

"Come on chicken wing, talk to me please. We-we gotta go home, to mommy, to your friends, come on" it was impossible to describe Keigo's emotion at thar point. He was broken, more broken than any other man in history.

"Daddy I'm... I'm scared" Haru finally opened his golden eyes, breaking Hawks's heart even more "I'm cold"

"No, no, don't be. It'll be fine I promise I, please I-I will take you home now. Haru? Hey, Haru!" Keigo held him tight against his chest, his mouth wide open but no sounds leaving, just drowned screams full with sorrow. His boy, his precious boy was suffering and there was anything he could do about it. He was about to leave. And he knew it, he fucking knew it. Keigo's lips were on Haru's forehead, whispering words of hope, promises that he was not going to be able to fulfill. Not anymore. His hand was on Haru's head, afraid of let him go. But after short seconds, the green-like dinosaur plushie fell to the floor. Free from Haru's hug. Keigo's throat almost bleeding from the strength of his painful scream, of his cry for help.

And then, he woke up.

Hawks sat abruptly on the bed, cold sweat covering his whole body as his erratic breath kept him unaware of his where being. A comfy bed, natural sun light, smell of cookies, fresh mint, perfume. Home. He was there and he couldn't tell. It was his room, the room he shared with you. Pictures of Haru, you and him were on the night stand and hanging on the wall. His cheeks were still wet, he was crying in his sleep. Keigo got up, the similar pain on his limbs returned, but also did the weight on his back. His wings were there too, big and strong as always. Giving a fuck about the pain, he walked out the room. The hallway that led to the living room was empty, also the bathroom, the guest room and Haru's room. But there was noise coming from the living room. And when he got there? His heart skipped a beat, his shoulder resting on the wall when he lost his balance.

"Daddy you're awake!" Haru said happily, setting his dino book aside. "I will call mommy, she said I should call her when you-" Keigo interrupted him. He had walked towards him when he was still talking, and kneeling on the floor he hugged the kid tighter than ever. "Uhm, are you ok?" Haru asked with curiosity. "You're sweating! Maybe you have a fever, I gotta call-"

"I'm fine, my chicken wing" a sob, followed by a smile "I'm better than ever" gaining distance, Keigo cupped Haru's face in both hands "I'm just very, very happy to see you" He laughed just a bit, combing his hair and kissing his forehead. He pulled him in again, his hand caressing Haru's hair. And then it hit him. He was on a mission, and a wanna be villain with a strong quirk disabled him and made Hawks fell to a rooftop, hitting his head and vanishing. Everything was a dream, a nasty dream.

"Did you have an ugly dream? I have those sometimes too" Haru said, trying to look at his dad, whom nodded.

"I did. It was, uhm... A very ugly one" Keigo tried to smile, reassuring his kid that now he was fine. He got free from his grip and ran to grab his plushie.

"Here! You can hug cucumber, I hug him everytime when I have ugly dreams" Haru smiled widely, giving Hawks his most precious item.

"Thank you, chicken nugget" Keigo hug the plushie and kissed it's head, but then placed it on the couch. "Wanna eat some fried chicken, and a huuuge milkshake? Whadaya' say" again he didn't even care about his pain, he grabbed Haru by the waist so he could lift him in his arms. "We can even call mommy and tell her to leave the agency earlier, sounds good?"

"Yes!!" Haru raised his arms in victory "can cucumber have a milkshake too?"

"He can have two milkshakes" Keigo kissed his cheeks, making the child clap in joy. "Hey, kid" this time, Haru tilted his head, showing he was paying attention and that, at the same time, he was curious "I love you. So, so much. Never forget that, ok? I will always protect and take care of you, got it? You're my chicken wing, I love you," a kiss on his temple, "I love you" another on his forehead.

"I wub you too, daddy! And Cucumber loves you as well" Haru smiled widely, giving Hawks's heart the peace he needed.

"Yeah, there's love for him too" Keigo laughed and started walking towards the kitchen "Now, let's order some food and call mommy, ok?" Haru held tightly to his father's neck, resting his cheek on his shoulder. And Keigo? Keigo held him with all of his strength. He was not leaving his baby boy. Never, never in a million years.

[ae-diaries]

My Life Testimony

Warning: Long post ahead

The content of this blog has me holding a secret I've kept hidden for a long time. I'm a bit hesitant to share my personal story because others (who knew me already) may be shocked or turned off 😅, but hopefully, the thoughts would bless someone and help you face your weaknesses and rise above them. This is a celebration of the greatest miracle I received from God. I never thought that miracle was real, until circumstances proved that it is possible. 

Foremost in my mind is when I was a high school kid. My life was symbolized by the microphone; I’d been exposed to sing in front of a crowd, be it in school or amateur singing contests. It's not to boast but it felt like I was a singing sensation back then, others dubbed me as 'songbird', 'sweet nightingale' to name a few 🤣. But when no one's looking, I felt, for lack of a better description, just off. This was caused by a certain physical condition that tear down my self-image. 

It all began when my mother noticed that I had an uneven shoulders when I was 13 years old. Later on, I was diagnosed with scoliosis measuring a 20-degree curve, and so my doctor from PGH gave me various stretching exercises and required me to wear a brace to prevent the curve from worsening or else surgery awaits me.

I freaked out inside. At the back of my mind, I wondered, “Why me?”. From then on, a hidden scar symbolizes my 'private' life. People might not notice it, but really I was riddled with inferiority complex and lack of self-worth. Nakakaiyak isipin, imagine ako lang bukod tanging estudyante sa private skul na may ganitong klaseng kundisyon. How I pitied myself. Parang ayoko nang lumabas. Hiyang hiya ako. 

I usually cried and pahirapan pa every time my mother would be putting the brace into my body, kabilinbilinan niya wag ko daw aalisin para daw mapabilis paggaling ko, but there was this one time, while I was on my way to school, naisipan kong dumaan muna sa haus ng classmate ko para lang ipatago yung brace ko. And it happened many times. Ang bigat nyang dalhin, di lang sa katawan kundi pati narin sa kalooban. Later on, they found out what I was doing, until wala na silang nagawa sa tigas ng ulo ko. Fortunately, my classmates did not bully me in school; however, I was still very conscious and afraid that my crush would see me like a bionic kid. To this day, I have never told my parents about this reason. You know as a teenager, I was overly sensitive by the opinion of others. And that's all that matters to me. I didn't think of the consequences of this action. 

Fast forward to 2012, sabi nila end of the world na this year (according to Mayan calendar), feeling ko katapusan ko nadin when I went back to the doctor and learned that the deformity progressed to over 50 degrees. Reality finally hit me! A major surgery was needed to correct my S-curved spine. Why I didn't just wear that darn thing? I must admit nagpabaya ako as I was trying to live like a normal kid. At that time, I was already employed in my first job so I filed for a two-month leave. Luckily, my very understanding boss approved it. I also had an amazing orthopedic surgeon, Dr. Teodoro Castro, who explained to me the procedure (though it was as clear as mud to me). He was very reassuring, so I didn't get scared. 

And when he asked, "Kelan mo gusto magpa-opera?," Without a second thought, I replied, "Kahit po bukas na doc!". My thoughts were, "If not now, when pa?"( I felt like I was running out of time.) His eyes bulged upon hearing my immediate response! And so he set the schedule to May 16, 1 p.m (which I spent at Sta. Teresita General Hospital in Quezon City). 

It was exciting, really, though it had 'Final Destination' feels. Andaming 'what ifs', what if di ako maka-survive? Bigla kong naisip talagang 'life is short' at ang dami ko pa palang di nagagawa sa mundong ibabaw such as makapag-serve kay God through joining a spiritual ministry, to travel for a cause, makapag-abroad, makakanta sa tv, makita si Regine & Sarah, magamit license ko to teach students, maigala ang magulang ko, and to have my own family. Sana magawa ko pa ang mga ito after post-op. 

More so, I felt my family's collective fear; I could actually hear the loud beating of my parents' chest when they signed the waiver 🤣. My father had worries that my voice might deteriorate after the operation. Laying in my bed and knowing that I may be that close to dying, I delivered my prayer of surrender to God and remained fearless. The comforting lyrics of 'You made me Stronger' by Kelly Clarkson became my fight song while in the hospital.

Waking up after the operation was the highlight. Being groggy from the anesthesia, I opened my eyes, feeling like it's just a continuation of my short sleep. I saw the nurses and my family - patiently waiting for me to wake up for almost 6 hours na daw. The first thing I asked was, "Tapos na?" (many times). I felt a huge sigh of relief when they uttered the words that struck me to the core, "Oo, tapos na." S*** I couldn't believe my ears; I was flying with joy! For years I have prayed for this miracle. I wanted to shout and do any dance challenge, 🤣 but how could I do that? They were preventing me from talking yet or make any movements because a mask was surrounding my nose and a lot of apparatuses were attached to my body. Later on, I learned that my younger brother cried after seeing me survived the operation. May kadramahan din pala si brother na lagi kong kabangayan 😂. While the success of my operation wouldn't be possible if it weren't for the assistance provided by my father's company, DMCI Corp. That's why I'll always be indebted to their big boss, VAC (May his soul rest in peace).

My healing lasted for almost nine months. I never suffered from complications, just pure torture and regrets na sana di nalang ako nagpa-opera (huhu). This is no exaggeration but dinaig ko pa talaga ang na-cesarean. On the first month after my operation, I became disabled and reached levels of pain I thought never existed in human experience: It was difficult to breath; I could not stand and walk on my own; I became excessively skinny because of drug intake - this was a legal drug prescribed by my doctor which can remove the pain only for 4-6 hrs. It felt so pathetic and frustrating to see myself in front of the mirror. No matter how much I tried to be positive, my insecurities gripped me down again and again to the point of questioning God: "Is there a hope for me?", 

"How come others could breathe and walk so well? During these times, inggit na inggit ako sa mga taong nakakalakad at nakakahinga ng maluwag. Feeling ko life is so unfair. Somewhere deep inside, I believed I was ugly, that He really didn't like me and it was His punishment for all the sins I did in the past. As I poured out my grief before God, a question popped in my head: “Mira, give me reasons why you should remain grateful?.”

“Seriously, how can I be grateful in times like this?.”

But in those agonizing moments, a light of hope from my parents’ eyes illuminates my darkness. 

In all the times that I cried and complained, I never saw them get too tired to feed me or serve me even if it would make them uncomfortable to make me comfortable. I couldn't imagine how they felt when I looked down on myself. Aside from my parents, my siblings, concerned relatives and genuine friends also never left my side. It's as if they became my extra pair of legs when mine refuse to walk. And my heart is full of gratitude today because they have loved me during the times that I didn't love myself. 

I'm living a normal life now as if nothing happened but others observed that except for my angelic voice 🤣, I tend to become forgetful and a little bit of deaf (Yes to this level) - this was probably caused by my extra dose of antibiotics intake 🤣. They noticed that I walk with lightning speed, as if may hinahabol daw ako lagi - maybe subconsciously, this has something to do with my life goals. Yes, I do get tired easier that's why there are some things that I must not do such as lifting heavy objects, sport activities (except for swimming), washing a mountain of clothes 🤣, bawal ma-stress and ma-exposed sa extreme cold places 😅.

As they say, true wisdom is learning from your shortcomings. For everything that I'd been through, I realized that there's a lesson hidden underneath the pain and it was God's way for me to:

(1) strengthen my faith - It was through this difficult times that I also underwent a 'spiritual surgery/enlightenment'. It has helped me find my stride in God and pray like I have never prayed before (for I know nakalimot ako). I didn't know all His plans but surely He was turning my brokenness into greatness. 

(2) love myself, invest in my relationships and create good memories - The whole discernment gave me the courage to keep progressing. I began to accept my imperfections, pick up my self-esteem, and do the things I haven't done before: Much is to be done but so far, I already saw Miss Regine and Sarah in person, traveled to different places, got to teach students in schools, treat my parents - brought  them to concerts and resto; spent midnight snacks and watched movies with my siblings; hang-out with friends; reunited with a long lost friend; restored a broken relationship, and tried to forgive someone;

(3) appreciate the fine details of life - More and more, my wishes become simpler. I realized there is more to life than any material thing could give, and that is getting enough oxygen and optimal healing to every organ in my body. Sobra kong na-appreciate ang buhay ko, especially the air I breathe, and the legs that carry me everywhere.

Eto lang sapat na 'to be happy'. Why did I fail to notice this before? And that's also what I want to ask you, when was the last time you were thankful for the air around you? True to what they say, the best things in life are free, but the problem is we're not contented with what we have and complicate rules to experiencing happiness: “I will be happy only if I’ll be able to upgrade my phone, buy a latest collection of chanel bag, wear a new pair of sketchers shoes..” And I'm so guilty of it because I once was a shoppaholic before that I forgot to remember how 'enough' I truly have.   

As I look back, hagulhol nako sa iyak - there were tears in my eyes, but they were no longer tears of pain but tears of gratitude - thinking how would I survive without the amazing people in my life.

I believe that God wants me to write this article so that I could speak for Him and claim that today, I can go out without any worries because I'm no longer ashamed of the scar life has left me with. It's a blessing in disguise; a sign that I conquered pain and fear. Wala na sigurong pagsubok na di ko kakayanin dahil kinaya ko na yung 'pinakamahirap' because truly, life is about not giving up and trying to fix yourself up after every fall. 

I cannot make the scar disappear but by looking at it, I see a testimony of survival, inner strength and God's miracles. Jesus never said it wouldn't be easy, but He said it would be worth it!  - Matt. 7:13

#secondlife #lifetestimony #embracingmyscar

[xxx-still--here-xxx]

I think I am going to be done with school soon. Probably on Friday. I've been going through this unique hell for 5 years despite starting my degree with college credits. In the middle of my degree I was (involuntarily) hospitalized for mental health reasons for the first week of my junior year. I have spent the past three years trying to catch up from that point in time academically.

I started out in college full of confidence and almost arrogance in myself and my academic abilities. I have a Flashpoint memory to a point in time freshman year where I said "I probably won't go to graduation, I'll walk when I do something important when I finish grad school or something."

Life came at me fast. My mental health crumbled and I was left drowning, not being able to fit in anywhere. I wasn't sick enough to stay long at the hospital and I truly didn't belong there. I went from doing puzzles on plastic chairs and tables to calculus based fluid mechanics in the span of 24 hours. Every single day since then I have had to fight extremely hard--getting anywhere in school after that was like trying to walk up a down escalator after being on an up one for so long. I had "friends" then too - other women in engineering said they were here for support, and left me behind when I had such a hard time learning. They were my roommates and would hold study groups without me. The semester before, I had joined a sorority to try to reach out to more people. They were really sweet and supportive people but I simply could not keep up with the minimum requirements of the organization when all of my time and energy went to trying to learn and complete work for school. Many of them continued to talk to me and reach out to me long after I had stopped going to any events, but eventually that faded (understandably) too. I tried working with disability services on campus in order to accommodate my needs, but I found that I did much better forcing myself to learn traditionally, without them. They treated me as if I was a bad person, unintelligent and planning to cheat because I brought my graphing calculator with me, something that was explicitly permitted and had always been allowed for every single one of my college classes.

Senior year I moved in with new roommates, one of which ended up becoming extremely passive aggressive and abusive to me for reasons I still don't understand. We would invite him to play games with us and hang out and he treated us like a plaything. At the end of that year, I moved back home and nearly all of my friends had graduated and left by then. Not many of them replied to my attempts to talk or make plans. I hadn't lived at home for about 4 years and had picked up a LOT of stuff in that time for my parents small house and my small room. I spent an entire week surrounded by clutter and old memories with the pressing deadline of my grandparents coming over in a week. Any clutter in my room would be an open invitation for them to go through my personal things in order to help me clean. I went through so much stuff, I didn't have much time to spend with my dog. I woke up and started cleaning until dinner, and I would clean until I slept again. For 7 days straight, I put everything on hold for this, and I remember my dog staring at me from beyond the walls of clutter that formed in the hallway outside my room. I felt bad I couldn't spend time with him, but I would be able to after I got everything organized.

That never happened. After I had spent the entire time doing nothing but anxiously decluttering, I woke up the next morning, late for work, and my mom knocking on my door. She and my dad had decided they needed to euthanize our dog for being aggressive. It was all so sudden and I barely got a chance to say goodbye to him. We drove to the shelter, the place my dad swore he would never go back to ever again. There were other dogs everywhere, which triggered my dog's aggression. There was no peace for him. My last memory of him was that he died scared out of his mind.

After that, I called my partner who dropped everything to care for me. I didn't want to be home around my family. My partner took me back to his parents house and I cried nearly the whole day. He gently suggested that we get something to eat--I agreed. We got in a bad car accident on the way try to get food the same day. Both of us were okay, but I didn't tell my parents about it. My partner had told my mom specifically that he would take care of me. He couldn't control if someone wanted to drive into the side of his car but I just couldn't. He had no idea what to do so he called his dad, who showed up, angry to be taken away from work, and questioning why we were there together. My partner had to go out to the car to start calling people while I ate fast food in the restaurant alone. When we went back to the house, I was left alone in his room while he had to immediately take care of things with his dad and insurance. I had to comfort myself. When I asked to stay the night, even though I had to go attend my brother's graduation the next morning, he accused us of using it as an excuse to have sex under his roof. He wanted us to go to bed at 8 pm even as we were being quiet on the other side of the house. I slept for 4 hours that night. Got up on time, got driven home, put on a nice outfit and a dress, and spent 5 hours outside in the hot sun, dehydrated from being unable to stop crying and feeling sick due to medication related heat sensitivity. At the end, my grandparents wanted to take graduation photos for my brother. I graciously declined to be in the family picture as I didn't want to spoil them with my clearly upset demeanor. I was shamed for not being able to control myself.

The rest of the summer is a blur. I really don't remember much. My parents purchased a puppy from a breeder sometime that September, and I helped raise him while commuting to class in the fall. I had two classes - one which I was taking for a third time and if I failed it again then I would not be able to continue with my degree. I only passed because of a literal act of God that caused us to get a substitute professor for the rest of the semester. This winter I put up with a lot of controlling behavior and abuse from my mom. My partner and I moved out from our abusive households in January, and I began the spring semester by balancing trips to get furniture so we wouldn't have to come home and sit on the ground, with three different classes. By the time we had gotten about enough furniture, quarantine happened. My Capstone group never got to finish building our accessible treadmill to give to our client. Every single other engineering graduate has had a senior design project to show for themselves on their resume. I never got that, or the opportunity to have our work acknowledged in a formal poster presentation. I have spent the summer in online summer classes at home. Recently, I have been told that one of my courses suddenly does not fulfill one of my social sciences class requirements. I was not given enough time to plan for this or any kind of explanation why it doesn't. I have submitted a petition to have this examined and excused. I started school with AP college credits and am now over 5 years into my 4 year degree. I don't even know if I will be able to go to graduation if I truly am done on Friday. I can't celebrate with my friends or family. I have to find a job at this time. All I have at the end of this is irreversible damage to my health, uncertainty, and debt.

catullan

i am freshly graduated and instead of feeling hopeful and propositive about this fall i feel like i’m in some sort of disquieting limbo

“disquieting limbo” is a very good term to describe….. stuff and things right now. it must be even weirder having just graduated.