#I've been working on this for like... Idk a month? Two? Idek

[carronpatrick]

Oh my goshhhhh, someone rub my back and call me a good girl, I COMPLETED A PROJECTTTTT! FINALLY! 😭🤍

[emersonfreepress]

help i'm alive

So! Long time, no see. 2023 was a whole goddamn lot lol

I don't have a demo update to share yet, but that's because I had to scrap nearly everything I managed to write during a very, very, very bad stint of writer's block last year. I hadn't even realized it had been a block like that until I went over my work so far last month and realized it was bad -- like, trust me; a slog to read that didn't even sound like me. It's been extremely frustrating but I've finally broken free of that and it's been easy and actually fun to write again for the first time in actual years. I just hate giving updates that have no actual news in them. And I really had nothing to share other than: I deleted thousands of words and feel so much better now 😅

Anyway, little about my demo plans have changed: I'm still putting out the Chapter 3 demos in Choicescript/on Dashingdon and then will be going dark to move things over to Twine. Where I am in the process right now is... feeling like 35% done with the overhauled version of this chapter and 50% done for the next demo update.

As far as asks, I'm... not really sure what to do?? I believe I've read them all (I love you guys), but so much time has passed since getting most of them that I'm not sure if it's, like... still pertinent??? To go back and answer them?? I suppose some of them like character asks could be, but all the nice messages of support -- that feels weird since I've practically ghosted this blog since August! Idk. Y'all tell me what to do with 'em and I'll do it. Maybe I should make a poll.

Uh... that's really all there is to say regarding the game! I've added some personal stuff after the cut, but if you're done here: Thanks for reading and sticking around. It means the world, for real.

So what has occupied my time all this time? Doctor, therapy, money, and friends. And improv! But especially the first two. There was a lot of non-writing related stuff fucking up my ability to focus and write, so hopefully with my mind and body both feeling a lot better, I can get back to being present and active with the game. I didn't realize how physically unwell I was until last year and it's been like... life-long issues I've been treating. It turns out it's not normal to feel exhausted enough to sleep at any given time, at all times, for your whole life! wow!!

I also uninstalled Tumblr from my phone back in February, so you could say I'm sort of generally focused on offline life. (And what an interesting coincidence that my writer's block dissipated shortly after that...) I also just moved!! The last two weekends have been so expensive and stressful -_- But I can't even compare the old place to the new. We're basically paying the same price for idek how much more space. The cats are so happy; which means the house humans get to be happy.

My schedule is finally freed up from constant medical shit (there was a 3-month stretch this winter with multiple doctor appointments literally every fucking week 🙃🙃🙃). My mental health is doing a lot better -- literally incomparably better compared to where I was this time last year. There's live comedy now (which I dabble in, to be clear lol), but I've finally found myself able to like... balance it all. The physical and creative energy that goes into it all, anyway. The lovely thing about improv is that you kinda just show up and do your thing -- it doesn't cut into my writing time so much as it costs energy. Unless I end up in this comedy debate show thing next month, which I am very excited to give up writing time for

So like... Life is life-ing and I'm just vibing. Or something? I'll be around.

Thank you all again so much for your interest, support, patience, and readership <3

[roebeanstalk]

boop

not doing well at alllll today. the financial stuff is always rough esp when it's the first of the month. i have so much guilt over asking people to help out with stuff, but i can usually get it in check and still be able to function to some capacity... but it's feeling hard and like it's going to take forever to pull in april rent. it's just so much this month. regular rent, two months of payback for nov rent, and my roommate texted me like... pretty sternly about paying him back for stuff. i am trying to just keep my head in a good spot. but he's here working from home today and i like...won't even leave my room to refill my water bottle or pee or get something to eat. it's not good.

so now i'm fighting like, spoons. what do i have the spoons for. i'm working rn, but i want to eat something, but i don't want to leave to eat something. and realistically i should go and buy something more substantial to eat but then that takes out of rent money, or if i'm spending money on not-rent it should be going directly to my roommate. let alone like, i have to walk past him in the living room to leave in and out.

idk. i'm just... i'm trying not to listen to all of the thoughts going through my head because 99% of them are not helpful. but just doing that alone is enough mental energy that i can barely do anything else.

i'm glad i have therapy tomorrow and i can talk about all of this. i just like...am so scattered and stuck at once and it sucks.

i'm working on pwyw commissions right now but being so, so inefficient and realistically should just take a step back but i feel like if i do that i'm a total failure.

this is all just pulling on past experiences of failures and money issues and near evictions and every thought i know people have had of me and things people have said and just...everything is intertwined and knotting up tightly and constricting, suffocating me.

and then the feelings i get like, physical anxiety ones, are linked to all of the other traumatic bullshit that i've been through that it just...spreads out and triggers it all at once. i am beaten down.

i'm not going to let this destroy me. i am going to keep going. i want to let myself rest but i don't think i can yet. or should. idek. -_-

[irrelevaantidiot]

I've legit given up on any hope that I'm gonna get a good night's rest it's literally 4 am so im gonna ramble about anything and everything

Also tree is staring at the huge ass ramble

First of why he look like that anyways actual ramble time

I was on discord earlier and I was scrolling through my dms list in hopes I could find my friends dms, appearantly I didn fucking close an ex friends dm where she was guilting me like 6 months ago, also she still had a pfp of the character that I INTRODUCED her to like bro stay out of my fandom now grrr

Another ramble, I've been stuck on the same doodle for like. the last 2 nights? idek what it is I gues shrrrresjsjsjajjjwj

Also pinterest doesnt save my images sometimes like holy shit u guys do not realize how long it took for me to get this shit to download

Bro is skedaddling

Anyways I also realized that i have a whole list of ocs I've projected on and idk how to feel

Akakakaksoeoeoekeoewwsseeeesjsjeeeesw my insane dreams are returning guys help

Also um. i think im becoming obsessed with mlp hsjekkee help!!!

Anyways I've been considering working on an astrobiology painting because brainrot is real i am normal about that shit even tho that's literally cringe eli you're shipping a tree and a blackhole that's physically imposible!! dont care!! anyways im blackhole

I've been meaning to work on my DPA gijinkas but I no no wanna rn man

Also umm dr fizz hyperfixation please send pics of him if u want I need to add it to a collection

Oh have I mentioned my astrobiology shrine yea I printed out some screenshots for it and it disappeared and I'm mad??

Liam plush has been doing well

Winner and blackhole are the realest characters ever /hj

I made an object sona and hes a bitch and I also want his gender

Need I say more I think I'm becoming a silvercandle fan like dude this whole scene was the most goofy shit ever

Also tag urself I'm tree and I'm only bringing up this image because it reminds me of the time when I was 4 and I got my finger stuck in a soap bottle

Also HAJSJJnnnsnwweee!

I'm excited for the omori manga dude!!!! Genuinely I love omori sm im so glad it exists

I realized I'm on tumblr and I can follow the tags for anything and everything I want and I'm happy

Anyways baller

This is literally me and my friend

Sometimes i remember the very dark era like 3 months ago where I was a huge fucking simp for my own oc

Sometimes I wanna write dialogue between my two characters that just. try to kill eachother

Radio session over thank you for coming to my tedtalk this is literally my face rn it is 4:50 am

[so2uv]

you're tuning into the jj radio show.. here are some sort-of monthly roundups!!! (but kind of last months too its only been september for like 2 weeks). idk if any of them will be ur thing but i hope u like at least one out of the 10 i picked >_^

3005, childish gambino. god. this is just the song ever for me i cant explain why i love it so much i just DO. sol.. to be honest.. i'll right by ur side til 3005. ITS JSUT SOOOO.

追われてる, soul scream. INCREDIBLE!!! THIS IS REAL MUSIC!!! THIS IS CRAZYYYY. OWARETERU ❗ OWARETERU 💢 OWARETERUU 💥 like some people wouldnt even get it for real.

make luv, brent faiyaz. CRUSHING something in my hands right now. IDK HOW HE DOES ITTTT when he makes sth good he makes sth GOOD do u get me. i might explode.

100,000 - unfinished, jai paul. shoving this song into the hands of anyone who'll listen. every time i listen to this song i think the “And when you think you know what I know / A hundred thousand light years to go” near the end wont hit as hard because i've sort of built up a resistance to it and then it SHOOTS ME IN THE HEADDD. too good.

trick me, kelis. the tasty (2003) album gets me INSANE there is not a singular miss on there for me. and this song... oh its so bad rn. im obsessed with it. like im going crazy. Hepl!

1 thing, amerie. i hear this song and suddenly i can sing i can dance and i can walk in 6-inch heels! and also this isnt that relevant to the song but her hair on the touch album cover.. IT EATS IDEK

two moons, exo-k. you might've heard this before but if not IT NEEDS TO BE HEARDDDD this is literally one of my fave exo songs.

the 7th sense, nct u. you might've heard this too sorry 😓😓 BUT HOW CAN I NOT SUGGEST THIS LIKE ? changed my life forever. when mark lee said “uh, and that's a long-ass ride” i think some part of me just passed away. that IS a long ass ride. 1 thing mark lee's never gonna do is lie!!

taking what's not yours, tv girl. THIS SONG IS SO FUNNYYY. and also very good. BUT ITS SO PETTY LIKE STOP I GIGGLE EVERY TIME I LISTEN 😭 “Ooh, I still have your lighter / Ooh, I still have your book” LIKE HE SOUNDS SO ANNOYING LMFAOO

iii. telegraph ave, childish gambino. had to start and end w him!!! again HOW IS HE SO CRAZY LIKE THISSS. got me moving and floating and ascending and dying. its serious. i love it.

and thats it! like i said i hope u like at least 1 ☹️ THIS WAS FUN I RLY ENJOYED TYPING OUT MY SILLY LITTLE THOUGHTS.. but i will shut up now LOL. time for you to switch to a different station, because the jj radio show is over!! (LMAOO OK ROLEPLAY)

3005: not bad not bad! rap isn't my favourite genre but the lyricism is great and it's honestly really nice to listen to while staring out a window :DD

追われてる: the intro was funky in a good way! love the rhythm and it's catchy in a way that has me bobbing along to it.

make luv: not really my vibe but the chorus is enjoyable. smth id put on my fic writing playlist ngl 👍

100,000 - unfinished: THE SWITCH UP AT THE BEGINNING AYOOO??! from the heavy rap to sudden vocals then merging the two is so 😩😩 i love the vibes of it. “a hundred thousand light years to go” ‼️‼️‼️‼️ i love how the words are staggered; it’s jerky the speech but it works so well

trick me: again, the song itself isn't for me specifically but the lyricism is to die for. "freedom to us has always been a trick // freedom to you has always been who ever landed on your dick" LIKE HELLO??? YES I LOVE THIS audibly went "ooooh" when i heard it. the rap is amazing too

1 thing: ok the intro ok it's nice its nice. OOH THE VOCALS I LIKE THIS TBH it's so fun??! if i weren't hacking my lungs out id totally get up and dance very badly to this (pretend like im an edit or like part of a clip compilation or smth yes yes)

two moons: the beginning is very cool, i like the beat and the rapping! ok when it picks up around 0:59 and they start saying two moons and stuff 💥💥💥 honestly did not expect to like this as much as i actually do :00 added it to my main playlist too 😼😼

the 7th sense: "OPEN YOUR EYES" OMG I LOVE THE CHORUS like my eyes are open and im sat. I GET WHAT YOU MEAN WITH THE MARK LINE!!!! nah ok this is going on the main playlist bc yes.

taking what’s not yours: THIS??? SLAPS??? i don't listen to enough tv girl shit i should be- the beat is such a good walking song i will climb a mountain listening to this. “ooh, i still have your lighter // ooh, i still have your book // ooh i still have everything you bought, but you never took” this right here. makes me want to- *explodes*

iii. telegraph ave: OMG THE DROP thought this was going to be a slower song but. the shift. the switch up 😫

omg this was fun!! pls music recs are amazing i love getting them

[fizzingwizard]

Things that happened this week

A pigeon sometimes hangs out at my apartment and starts making noise around 5 am. On Thursday, it not only started making noise, but it went on nonstop. Such a racket. It was raining, so it spent a longer time on my balcony. Actually, when I looked outside at 7, it was still there, taking shelter right above my washing machine. By then it was quiet, so I opened the door... nothing happened... closed the door... pigeon flew away. Idk.

Played "We're going on a lion hunt" (youtube video) for my class. Every year it's a big hit, but this year's class is the most mesmerized. It's the first time I worried they might be legitimately scared, rather than just having fun pretending. Of course, if even one kid was really scared, I wouldn't make them watch. But they were having fun, they just are more expressive than other classes. One kid had his hands covering his mouth and eventually his eyes. When I checked on him, he was laughing. Another girl started saying "Scary! no no!" so I asked if she wanted to hold my hand. Not only did she hold my hand, she came riiiight up close to see the video better hahahaha.

The understaffing has reached critical levels. I did overtime twice this week. My coworker was supposed to have a day off, had been approved and everything, but at the last minute the manager asked her to make it a half day because there was no one available to cover her. We have help from other campuses almost every day. Today, after the kids woke up from nap, I was supposed to be in a room with three other teachers... none of whom are ECE teachers or work at my school regularly. I was able to switch one of them out for a sub who used to be one of our regular classroom teachers, so I trust her. But if she'd been subbing somewhere else Idek.

Have a student who I think I've mentioned before, his parents are super overprotective. Although now it seems to be mainly the dad's issue. Dad's been keeping his kid home on days that he doesn't have to work. I don't even understand what he's upset about, although I'm told it began last year when his kid went outside, and then had a fever later in the day (???). What does he want, to keep the kid indoors his whole life? He won't meet and talk to us about his concerns. He sent a condescending letter with a list of requirements for caring for his son, all of which we were already doing. We have simply started doing them more (ie. when the kid doesn't actually need it - like changing his shirt every day even if he doesn't get sweaty). It does not impress him. This kid has seizures when he has a high fever, and when it happened last month we followed his chart meticulously. What did the parents do? Complain that their kid was "just hot," come pick him up at their usual time, and then go out to eat. When they got home, kid had a seizure. Guess who's at fault? Us, because... reasons??? Again, we did EVERYTHING we were told to do by his doctor and parents, so. I'm not sure, but I get the impression the parents think we should have given the kid his medication. But as none of us are doctors, there are only certain circumstances where we can give meds, and those are stipulated, again, on his chart. At the time, the criteria for us to give meds wasn't met - the whole reason for informing his parents so they could take him home and care for him themselves. Despite the fact that this was the approved plan by everyone concerned, parents still think we should have been able to miraculously prevent this. Another time his parents complained that we weren't wiping his nose. Yes, we are, every five seconds. It just so happens that one time out of the hundreds that they picked him up, his nose had gone two minutes without being wiped while teachers cared for you know all our other kids. We have made a very obvious point to wipe his nose in front of his parents since then. Today, I had been up and down literally nonstop wiping lots of kids noses. I'm not exaggerating at all. And this kid has the runniest nose of them all. I had literally just wiped his nose and thrown out the tissue when I turned around and saw it was running again. So I asked him to go get me another tissue. The tissue box was right there, the kids help themselves all the time, and all he had to do was grab a tissue and bring it to me bc my legs were freaking exhausted. Of course, this is when his mom decides to show up. XP She couldn't arrive during the 99 other times I'm running around after her kid with a tissue, only during the 1 time I ask him to get his own tissue. She immediately grabs the tissue from him and wipes his nose herself. Idek. I'd love to show her the video of how all I've done in in the last half hour is run around wiping noses, but I know it wouldn't make a difference even if I could. In this family's opinion, only their kid matters. Dad wants to pull the kid out of our school. I love the student, but to be rid of the parents, honestly, I'm not gonna fight it too hard...

[atlasdoe]

Hello my name is Ace and I'm rewatching Lab Rats and cant stop thinking of an R rated version of the show so here's what I would do if I was in charge

Everyone will be lgbt

I meant have you seen how they dress?? Every episode at least someone is wearing two shirts there's not one cishet person in that family

Bree is a lesbian

Chase is non binary

Adam is aro/ace

Leo is unlabeled

Actual Relationships with people outside of the family

Bree would fall in love with a female Villain

They meet during a mission without knowing who each other is

They find out who each other is but try to make it work

until the villain betrays Bree entirely

strangers to lovers to enemies excellence

Bree will have trust issues after this

Bree will in the end get with Skylar (more on her later)

LEO AND JANELLE WILL ACTUALLY GET SOME DEVELOPMENT

yknow and actual interactions beyond Leo causing chaos and Janelle rethinking her life decisions

Marcus

way more of Marcus

the first seasons main villain will be Marcus and Douglas

Marcus will be introduced way earlier on

His hatred for Leo won't be as obvious in the beginning

He'll try to tolerate him but as time goes on he gets frustrated and become more aggressive before eventually telling Leo he's bionic

We're keeping his evil eyebrows they're iconic and hilarious

Bionic Showdown will be the season finale

Mighty Med

Mighty Med will be introduced in like season three or something

One of the lab rats will get injured and taken to the hospital where they'd meet Kaz Olivier and Skylar

Idek how i feel about making superheroes cannon in this world i just want Kaz Oliver and Skylar there

And Skylar and Bree have so much potential since Skylar is someone without powers who wants them (back) and Bree is someone with powers who doesn't want them

Mighty Med will become a recurring location

Bree

I love the storylines of Bree wanting to just be a normal girl but i wish they were more consistent with it

Like she'll be blowing off missions one episode but then be telling Adam they have to train the next only to go back to not caring in another

She'll start off loving her Hannah Montana double life

But as time goes on it starts to become irritating

When she destroys her chip it'll be a lot longer until she gets it back

Similar to how it went in the show with her absent putting her brothers in danger being what made her want to rejoin the team

but it takes a while to get there. Also a lot more arguing between her Chase and Adam because of it

Cause although i get where she was coming from she did abandon the team

Adam

Adam clearly uses comedy as a coping mechanism

Which is fine and all but upon my rewatch I've noticed that during really serious scenes he hardly ever talks unless it's for a joke

idk like Leo was a funny character also but he was serious when he needed to be

I just wish Adam was the same especially when him and his siblings are about to be killed

because whenever Adam does have a line that isn't a joke it seems so out of place

Also i'd focus a bit more on Adams insecurities a little bit

This is me self projecting as an eldest sibling who has a very intelligent younger sibling

I'm telling you it's not fun when you're the dumbest in your family and everyone knows and reminds you of it

They touch on it on a few episodes but it's completely forgotten about

Chase

They'll be less fucking naive

For the most intelligent guy ever THEY GET SCREWED OVER BY HALF OF THE PEOPLE THEY BEFRIEND

Also the family will be nicer to them

and as time goes on their ego will deflate

Maybe in fear of ending up like Donald???

Leo

early seasons Leo is a gem and deserves the world

similar to Chase the family will start to actually appreciate Leo

I'm just imagining an episode where Adam Bree and Chase realise that Leo has also been through shit and that he's not their funny carless little brother anymore

Other random things

It'll be mentioned that there's only a few months between Adam and Brees age but since they're bionic it's less then 9 months so they tell the school they're twins

More interactions with Douglas Adam and Bree

Terry Cherry Perry is perfect and will remain the exact same

Adam Bree and Chase will actually be taken away during You Posted What?

Because I'm a sucker for a reunion scene

Also how they'd be treated after that episode will actually change

I was originally on board with them during the first seasons being the cool rich kids but once they get exposed they're known as freaks

But then I remembered that for the first 15 of their lives they didn't interact with anyone

And then I remembered that they once literally held a concert in school and all of the other shit they did such as Bree literally being principle for an episode and figured that then being popular doesn't actually seem that odd

Maybe something like the school just pretending that they like the Davenports just because they're rich and everyone just bails once their secrets out

But like seriously their popularity status changes more then their clothes

There will be no island

Or if there is it won't be the focus of an entire season

The lab rats will actually get injured during missions beyond just being unconscious for an episode

It'll be mentioned that originally Adam Bree and Chase were known as "Subject A B and C" until given actual names (idk if this is cannon or just a theory)

TRUMA WILL BE ADDRESSED

Spike will be used during a mission

They'll be flashbacks of the trios life growing up in the lab

MORE TASHA AND THE KIDS!!!!!

MORE GRAMAR ROSE!!!!!!

Eddy will swear

More domestic family moments

More family moments overall

This feels like an unpopular opinion but I genuinely think that the show got sibling relationships right

Like they tease and bicker and argue but they still obviously care for each other and when it matters show it

I wanna say Donald being a good father but then I realised that a good father wouldn't send his teenage kids in dangerous missions and without that there's little to no show so.... let's say that he at least tries

Also at some point one of the trio will call Donald "Dad" and he'll cry

that's all i've got for now if you hate it pls don't yell at me. I'm only on season two tho so I may continue to annoy if I come up with more

[burnedlegend-archive]

so like we all remember how in the lsat two seasons of legends, people had a tendency to treat mick like he was an animal/talk to him like he was a dog, etc.

well, a couple coworkers started doing that to me today, calling me an animal, giving me orders like i was a dog, etc. and like

ya know

if you experience this yourself

you really start to get why mick spends his life in a homicidal rage 

[meownotgood]

hi omg!! first off i absolutely adore your writing, sometimes i will read a sentence and will have to pause/screech over how well it's written. it's so beautiful i deadass cry sometimes.

now i've wanted to share something with u i've discussed w my friend before. idk about you but i love love love angst and hurt/comfort. and i was thinking about an aki fanfic (because aki brainrot) like, y/n and aki are a couple that just broke up a few months ago but they still haven't gotten over each other!!! and then they both randomly meet again at a party and all the feelings resurface and they keep stealing glances at each other, but they're about to cry, it hurts so bad because they each think the other person is over them (and the fact other people are flirting with them doesn't help) !!! D: so then one of the two leaves, the other notices and follows and finds them locked in the janitors room (or whatever else ) crying, and they join them. and they have a long conversation about their feelings and past relationship. oh and then maybe they smash. anyways thoughts?? i love these types of fanfics idek what genre this is 😭😭 oh also.... if u want to write a fanfic like that..... i wouldn't complain... BUT U DONT HAVE TO OMG WRITE WJATEVER U WANT i enjoy everything (and if u happened to be inspired by this ofc change anything to u liking 😭) !! i might actually try to write this myself but idk yet!! hehe. god this is so long. also this is not a request i genuinely just wanna talk about this trope to someone... unless u want it to be a request... okay i'm joking. this is so long. AHH

OMG HI ANON I WILL ANSWER UNDER THE CUT!!!!!! :D 💓

I'm really glad you like my writing, it makes me so happy to hear that!!! and omg... your idea... listen, I'm not the best at writing angst, but it's my favorite. and if you pair angst with romance it's just... MUAH. perfection. I can't have my romance without having a touch of angst in there, I just can't

your idea is so good, it makes me think, who would start crying first, aki or the reader... aah, I feel like it would be aki, it's just in his nature to hide away to cry like that. especially after seeing you talking to everyone else and avoiding him, it'd hurt him so much everytime he sees you, and he wants to go up and talk to you but just doesn't know what to say. but then when you find him and walk in, ask if he's okay, he can't hold it back anymore, so he just hugs you and sobs.... tells you he's sorry for everything that happened..... baah...

I've had an exes to lovers type aki fanfic lingering in my brain for a while, it would be something like aki and the reader used to date when they were young adults, before aki left for tokyo to become a devil hunter. and then when they see each other again, neither of them got a chance to properly say goodbye, so there's a lot of unresolved feelings... and of course they'd be much older, so they'd discuss what's been going on in their lives since then (and inevitably start to date just like they did before)

smashing is definitely not a necessity... but I'm a sucker for some angsty sex between exes so.... I feel like I would end up including it even if I wasn't trying to LOL. rediscovering a new level of intimacy with one another.... showing the other person your most vulnerable side because they were the only person you ever trusted enough to show it to...... it's too good

I can't make any promises about what I will or won't write because I sort of just write things on a whim, and I have a lot of ideas, so all I can say is it is an idea I have, nothing is quite planned yet. but I like your idea a lot, if I start to write something like that, I'll look back at your ask to spur my brain 🙏💓 I might be able to work some of those ideas in! I really like the concept of the reader and aki crying together like that... just makes my heart go a little crazy

thank you for talking about this with me!!! I love when people discuss aki thoughts with me. ^^ so I appreciate you sharing, and I appreciate your kinds words too!!! I'm glad you'd trust me with your idea haha. I hope eventually I can deliver something like this that you'll enjoy anon!!!!! stay tuned!!!!!!!!!!!

[delldarling]

Hiatus

This is a re-post of what I've sent to my patrons, but I'm posting here for further reach.

My sincerest apologies for the lack of contact, and before I get into the woes of life:

I paused billing for April at the end of March, and I've just paused billing for May - this means that you haven't been, and won't be, charged for those months.

If you're new to signing up, you will be charged up front, or if you've cancelled and want to re-subscribe, there will be a new charge. 

If things are left as is, you will retain access to all the works on patreon at no current cost. I will not unpause billing until I have a 2 week assurance of content and stability to give you all.

Onto the nitty gritty - and please take care of yourself - I won't go into vivid detail, but there will be mentions of abuse and major stress in the following paragraphs.

Even so… idk that I really want to talk much about it. The fact that I'm actually referring to it as abuse still feels mind boggling, and I feel like people will accuse me of lying or. Idek. 

I've been fairly open about taking care of my sibling (she's 10 years younger than me, but we're both adults), and that it's been a struggle with her meds and care. Things got so much worse. Verbal abuse has been the worst of it, but it got physical too, and like. Fuck, man. Really idk if that last sentence even is true, reading it back, because it doesn't matter what there was more of, it all still happened and I still feel sick over it. 

I've lost 35 lbs over the past two+ months, and heck. I feel like I really only want simple things, you know? To take care of my loved ones, to have basic necessities, to do things I enjoy like drawing or writing without.. the stress of all the other stuff. 

Anyway. I'm emotionally a mess, lol. Her psychiatrist actually believes me now, and she's being treated properly and it's hard to keep up hope, but the last week on new meds has me very cautiously optimistic that I might be able to do literally anything for myself. 

(Meds are not the only endeavor we are using for care, and please believe that I'm not assuming they will "fix" anything - I sure as heck can't forget - and I have other fam members telling me not to forgive and it's all just messed up, you know? I love her and she needs help, and I'm not happy that I've suffered in getting her there, but I can't just give up? Maybe I'm being stupid. Idk.)

If you've already canceled your pledge, please know I am so thankful you were here in the first place. I hope you enjoyed my works while you were here, and I wish you all the best! If you ever come back, know that I always feel a little burst of !?! 🥰 every time I see someone return. 

For those here on tumblr:

While I'm going to try and pop in a bit more frequently, I can't make any solid promises. I'm so tired. That's really all I can say. I want to go back to having.. to just having fun, and even that feels just out of reach.

[im-a-goddamn-cat]

i'm crying rn and cannot stop. i'm so stressed for two major reasons. first off, i just figured out that i'd have to get at least an A-, A-, and B+ in the three classes i'm taking atm to get my overall GPA up to the minimum requirement in time for the Vet Tech program application (deadline is in March)... no fucking way i'm gonna get those grades. and if i don't get accepted this time, i'll have to wait a whole year to try applying again. (unless other colleges have ones i could apply for, idk, i have no idea. but their requirements are probably similar, so.) also pretty sure this is all bc of that first semester in 2020 where i failed one class, got a C+ in another class and a B in the other... so thanks a lot 2020 me /s

and second, i regret taking this job. i do like the job kinda but idk, i feel really overwhelmed with both college and the job. idfk why tho, i don't have that much schoolwork (so far at least) and i've been working only two days. some ppl do school full time and work meanwhile i can't handle part time school and two days of work... but i feel like i can't quit bc i just started like only a month ago and i told myself i would keep the job until i got into/started the Vet Tech program (tho that probably isn't even gonna happen.) idek why i looked for a job, i have a pretty good stash of money saved from when i sat on my ass for like a year doing nothing bc where i had worked at the time shut down temporarily bc of covid so i got unemployment and then didn't return when they reopened. i mean, it won't last forever, but it's something...

idk what to do about either of these things

also i have been feeling depressed and like a loser/failure and that everyone hates me and this stuff is making it worse. i wanna give up and quit and drop out and isolate myself from the world again. i can't fucking handle anything or do anything right

[the-yearning-astronaut]

Currently feeling anxious and very on edge and I was going to say idk why but I actually very much do know why I just don't know what to do about any of it.

Under the cut because there's a lot and I don't want to big down anyone's dash....

I'm in a sort of limbo right now. School has finished. It's been my literal driving force and my primary routine for three years. That routine and security is now completely gone.

I have an awkward 2.5 weeks between finals ending and my internship starting. That is both too much time (I'm doing too much overthinking and dwelling) and not enough time (I have so much to do and pack and idek where to start).

I don't know what to pack and no one seems to be able to get me a clear idea of what I should bring. I know I need to pack for essentially three different seasons because the temps can have a 40°F difference between night and day. Gotta love the desert. I know I need bedding and towels and basic kitchenware. But that's it. Do I need hangers for a closet or do I only have a dresser? Do I need a bath mat or shower curtain or is the place I'm staying basically fully furnished? There are no TVs -- is taking my own too excessive? What about taking my playstation? My houseplants? How much space in the kitchen will I have to store food in? Why does no one else seem to have these questions and why are they ok with just... Packing a few things and moving somewhere for 3 months?

Also I'm supposed to have been paid my first lump sum last Monday so that I actually had money to get the food and supplies and gas I'll need to get down there but ofc someone in HR or wherever fucked up and I haven't received a payment and no one seems to know where the money is coming from or who's in charge of making sure I get it.

Idk how to handle disability disclosure. My disabilities have the potential of putting my safety at risk -- especially considering where I'll be -- so for safety reasons alone I feel I should mention POTS at least. But the entirely new routines, new people, new location, new everything is.... That's gonna really mess me up for a while or will at least be a recurring issue through the duration of the program. I feel that I can count on at least few meltdowns. I'll be at high elevation, outside, in the desert. My medications make me more sensitive to UV rays than my pasty skin already makes me. I burn really easy, really quick regardless of whether I remembered sunscreen or not. And I have NO idea how to bring up the issue of fibro flare ups. Like hi yes I know I have a full schedule today but I'm gonna have to either limit my hours or not participate at all because I'm currently in bed experiencing full body pain and I can't think clearly atm. No idk if I'll feel better in 4 hrs or 4 days. And ofc high stress and anxiety situations are triggers for flare ups so it's basically a vicious cycle.

I'm scared because I really really want this. I've been wanting this internship for a full f-ing year and it's doing exactly what I want to do in one of my absolute favorite places and it's going to open doors to other jobs but. I'm so worried I'm gonna f-it up. That I'm gonna have to quit early with my tail tucked between my legs and I KNOW sometimes you have to stop and acknowledge that some things just aren't possible and it's not your fault but I've already done that again and again and I don't know what else I'd do with my life if not this. I can't keep living at home but I can't move out unless I have a full-time job and even the I probably can't afford rent anyway and I don't have friends I can move in with.

I'm so tired and overwhelmed and I feel like I can't turn to my mom for help because she's working two jobs and is already providing emotional support to her sister as she works through the death of my uncle. My bro is working two jobs and has far too much of his own BS to worry about and I definitely can't count on my dad for anything.

I'm just. Really at a loss rn and after that fiasco of a semester I don't have the emotional energy to deal with any of it.

[masterofmyselfandyou]

Tagged by @cats-cartoons-and-chaos tysm!

Nickname(s): far too many damn, ummm K-Rish, Beer Dad, Kitno, Krish like Swish, Dumbass, The endless amount of stupid but cute nicknames my parents give me, Chris Rock, Fish, and probably a few more I can't remember

Pronouns: He/Him

Star Sign: Libra ♎

Height: Somewhere between like 5'6 and 5'8

Favourite feature: Idrk, still working on finding parts of myself I like.. maybe my beard?

Favourite colour: Red, I love red.

Favourite animal: I've always liked dogs but also, Wolves, Jaguars, Lions, Eagles I love all kinds of animals. RACCOONS they're adorable and perfect small cuddly don't @ me. Also bears because they're huggable af.

Sleep: Really depends, I go anywhere from 2 hours to 16 hours. Like depends if I need to wake up, if there's exams or something keeping me up, or if it's summer...

Cats or dogs: I love cats, but I've never been able to love them as much as I love dogs due to me being so damn allergic to them.

Blankets: 2 in summer, 3 in winter.

Dream Trip: France, but with people I'd actually enjoy it with (likely not my family) and not just Paris either, like all over, north and South. Secondary answer, Los Angeles/Hollywood.

Best place in town: idek probably one of the many Indian restaurants I frequent, or the studio

Favourite ice cream flavour: Pure chocolate, always.

Reading Schedule: Generally I read maybe like a book or two a month, in the summer definitely two, maybe three, not as much as I used to but I'm alright with it.

Favourite book series:. I'm not sure, but the ones that had the most impact on me as a reader and as a person are Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, Lord of the Rings, and one other which I'm gonna keep to meself because the title is not very typable.

Idk who to tag.... So

If you see this post feel free to reblog with your own answers to the questions!

🙃🔫

heyo, my fav @ronweasleysbitch (or, as per his new nickname, flynn rider) tagged me in this!

Nickname?: most common one is nat, although i have gotten talie, natalie (pronounced na-TAL-ie) and natalka by some of my relatives. am also seriously considering changing my name to kat because someone suggested it to me and i can’t let it go

Pronouns?: she/her, i’m cis

Star sign?: Aquarius

Height?: 5′2 and one half. the half inch is very important to me

Favorite feature?: idk. my eyes are nice in the sun

Favorite color?: green, but also, all of them

Favorite animal?: ultimately, polar bears, but honorable mentions include: snakes, wolves, dolphins, and zedonks. horses are pretty rad too

Average hours spent sleeping?: probs like five or six. lately i’ve been nocturnal so it’s hard to tell.

Cats or dogs?: CATS

Number of blankets you sleep with?: it’s summer and my house doesn’t have AC so i’m sleeping with a very light sheet and that’s it lmao please help me

What is your dream trip?: if i was gonna go on a trip right this second i’d go to europe so i could visit a bunch of different countries via train

Best place to visit in your town?: my fav place is just the town itself, it has a bunch of cute lil shops and stuff. but i’ve only lived here for like a year so idk

Favorite ice cream flavor?: mint chocolate chip. don’t @ me

How often do you read?: not as much as i would like in the past year or so, and lately i’ve been procrastinating because i don’t wanna do summer reading

Favorite book series?: the shadowhunter books are the first books that i really fell in love with so. i guess any of the series that are set in that world tbh

i tag @thefaultinourchickennuggets @yourerealhip @cats-cartoons-and-chaos @flcwerstudies and anybody else who feels like it, i like learning about you guys! <3