#I've been taking my wrong meds
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#prettyblood#sadny bin#sqmart#I've been taking my wrong meds#I have been obsessing over this fucking dogshit animation#WHY? BCS I DIDN'T TAKE MY FUCKING ADHD MEDS#I'm gonna perish like a victorian child eating pepper very soon.#/j#or whatever#God help me
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C!Q + vylette's fit from Jawbreaker
(aka an idea I've had for every conceivable holiday for months and decidedly couldn't put out on an appropriate date)
#i feel a little off posting this during such a time of distress but my own misery wont help others so I'm doing it anyway#also hi!!! I've been offline a lot but after much stress and a week being mildly mistreated at the hospital i finally know what's wrong!!#PM/SSc overlap syndrome you can look it up. they caught it early tho so none of my connective tissue is damaged#nor do i have any major systemic effects so yay. im taking meds for it and im praying for the best#anyway enough of my life hi folks this is the first thing ive drawn in MONTHS sry im rusty#sidenote in light of the tumblr panic never hesitate talking to me about anything I'd love it im just socially anxious#anyway i love yall hope yall enjoy <3 I'll leave yall now xoxo#my art#dsmp fanart#cquackity#fennec.art
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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#IM TIRED OF FEELING LIKE SHIT#ITS BEEN FIVE DAYS. I HAVEN'T SLEPT MORE THAN TWO HOURS AT A TIME#I'VE TAKEN SO MANY PAIN MEDS THAT LITERALLY EVERYTHING MAKES ME NAUSEOUS NOW#CAN'T TAKE THE STRONG MEDS BECAUSE THEY'LL MAKE ME THROW UP AND I'LL RIP MY STITCHES#CAN BARELY EAT ANYTHING. IN PAIN CONSTANTLY#AND NOTHINGS EVEN FUCKING WRONG. THE SURGEON SAID I'M HEALING NORMALLY#I'm going to lose my fucking mind#my dad says I'm getting better but I gotta be honest I do not feel it
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Someone told me today that there's more to life than milgram 😒. Man I hate liars
#they also said I'm obsessed and need to get a life outside of it#milgram is life ♥️#anyways my days going great#apparently I've been taking meds wrong sooooo
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I was pretty proud of myself for getting through this day so well (first time one of our cats had to have surgery), BUT it's 4am and it's really hitting me now 🙃
#feel like I would be sobbing if my anxiety meds didn't make that.. not harder exactly just. less likely#and I also remembered that I did take lorazepam before going to bed last night specifically because I knew I'd be a mess otherwise...#but yeaaah I just wanna cry now#it's been so hard. the cat is fine. but he's got 20 fewer teeth now and it feels bad#he's in pain and he's grumpy because he doesn't understand why we did that to him and also his brother wouldn't stop hissing at him all day#because he smells wrong and that's been stupidly hard on me#like. those are my babies. they can't be mad at each other??? it scares me. it's not the way it is. it's wrong and I don't like it#also... if I'm being honest I was also quite unsettled by how different he smells so I can understand that. I don't like it but I get it#that's still your brother though you big dumb guy 😭 be nice to him he has barely any teeth left 😭😭😭#I don't liiiike this#I hope they'll get along better again tomorrow bc seriously I can't take this. it's breaking my heart#well I wasn't a mess today but now I definitely am#AND I've got a fucking doctors appointment tomorrow 😭 so I can't even stay on the couch mindlessly watching YouTube all day#life is too hard and I am a big baby and I can't handle it#personal
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I think a lot about how if I'd have been born like 200 years ago I would have been sent to the sea side and dosed with cocaine every day for my Mental Maladies but instead I'm walking around in 2024 and ppl are trying to make me feel like shit for not opting into hustle culture or convince me AI & crypto currency are the future...
#don't get me wrong. I'm thankful for my meds. like.... 100000000% thankful. tbh don't know I'd be shitposting on here today without em....#but my goddddddddddd I'm tired also#I don't want 6 jobs. I don't want to delivery drive all night. I don't want to turn shitty doodles into NFTs.#I take care of my disabled mother while also dealing with my own mental health deficiencies. I raised my brother. he still lives with me.#I'm Tired#I want to just take care of my mom and make cakes & desserts and for that to be enough. but it can't#because we devalue domestic work of any kind including care taking for the eldery/disabled#I mean my union has to FIGHT every few years to make sure we can KEEP our jobs#and it sucks cause... even if I lose my job.... I STILL have to take care of my mom so it's like 🤷♀️#I'm just Tired bro. so tired. I want my baking to work out so bad but I just... don't know. I know it won't net me gobs if money#I'm just so tired of living under this fuckin strain that is The American Dream USA number 1 woooo!#don't you dare ask to make a living wage!#and since I DO want this baking stuff to go well I KEEP practicing and it feels like.... meh.... I'm baking and baking and baking#I want it to be GOOD! but I'm taking my time! and not hustling and it just feels like idk. I'm going too slow#but I'm not.... I've been baking my whole life for free and everyone raved abt it. I want it to be STELLAR so I can make money#I'm just so fckn TIRED man. I wish I had like.... a crystal ball and I could just know if this was a good idea#erin explains it all
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My doctor messaging me at 12:30 in the morning to tell me she wants to do a telehealth visit abt the side effects I'm having with my new Lamotrigine dose (including worse insomnia than my usual insomnia, as u may have guessed lmao) is. something.
#text post#like i know why i am awake babe why are YOU awake this late#and god why do we have to do another visit#they aren't bad enough to make me stop this dose and i haven't been on the new dose long enough to let it even out#can i not just Not have to do another uncomfortable visit where even if things turn out okay after#i later feel like I'm still not being wholly trusted/treated like i know my body and how i feel#i had worse side effects restarting this med months ago and we didn't have any additional visits for that#they fucking forgot to even book me for a f/u and i had to call in and beg for one basically#and then they misbooked it for the wrong reason and with the wrong doctor#and made it out like it was my fault when i made clear i begged and told the receptionist i spoke to to book said appt#that it needed to b with my doc for the Lamotrigine and that i hadn't been told when to follow up so i was just. doing it#bc she said i needed to but then didn't say when to book it#they're trying hard and im trying to give them grace but then this shit happens and like#im tired. makes me want to go into my new doc like nah never mind im fine. don't ask me nothing and i won't bug you with anything#unless im dying or nearly dead already.#would suck beyond believe attempting to raw dog life mostly again but goddamn. im so sick of this lack of stability with my care#anyway. probably an appt next Tuesday which is great#that's the week of the weekend that i work again and the week before my bday#(a bday I'll be working now which I'm not normally irked abt but. i am a bit rn)#so cool. yeah. let's stack anxiety and fear over a medical appt on top of everything else for that week#and that's not counting that this weekend I've been tasked with buying and getting signed a v expensive and rare figure#for my mum's bf and I'm kind of terrified im gonna fuck it up#he paid for tickets to the con the figure will be sold at and that the person he wants to sign it will be at#so if i fuck this up he'll want (understandably) to be paid back asap for that#and that's money i don't fucking have rn#i really wish she had waited till the actual day proper to contact me bc i couldn't sleep before this#and now i definitely cant bc like#it's dumb. but what if she takes my med away. it isn't perfect but it works better than any other med I've tried#what if she wants me to try a new one. i cant do that and b dealing with major side effects during the intense work schedule#that'll be happening for me v soon and then into November
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oijeaofi i am so tired of being sick 😩👎
#sorry i need to complain about how sick i feel and didn't want to bother anyone 😭 feel free to ignore this#turns out that blueberries are my NEMESIS and i only found this out after eating them for three breakfasts straight aofeijaoi#so my entire body is inflamed and my intestines are trying to kill me every time i eat even if it's the most low fodmap food ever#i hope things sort themselves out soon aeoifaj i've been trying to ween myself off of taking so much ibuprofen but like#i'm just in so much pain all of the time 😭😭#unless i eat like. the blandest food in the world and also lay flat on my back all day and stare at the ceiling which makes me want to die#i had been in kind of a good place where i wasn't getting tummy sick as much but lately it's been so bad#i've quit all caffeine now too hoping it will help so i'm exhausted from that aeofiaoijf it's just a disaster#and i've been having cold-like/allergy symptoms for like a month lmao awoiefajoi it's just never ending!!!#even my period gives me flu-like symptoms#i need to go to a doctor about it but there's not much they can do for half of the things that are wrong w me aoijefaoi#i feel like the most they'll do is give me muscle relaxers for the tmj and i don't want to be on heavy duty meds like that aiewojf#uuuggggghhhhhhhhhhh#*dykeposting
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#ough i gotta finish some important drawings but I've been shoveling snow for two days#which i love doing don't get me wrong! i actually find it rather enjoyable i have a wonderful time#love a good bit of physical work whether it's gardening‚ taking care of farm animals‚ or shoveling snow and the like#(and I'd like to think I'm good at the last two- gardening I'm not very good at but i still enjoy it lol)#but MAN do i hurt afterwards lmaooo#so i might see if i can find my last few temporary heat pads and try to remember where i put my pain meds#so i can hopefully get those drawings done tonight lol
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Medical trauma: confirmed
#I've been having a brand new type of panic attack#I don't know their happening until I can't breathe#and I have to manually breathe until I can lay down in a safe space#basically my bed#these started at the er last week#the er was so brutal I started convulsing because I had one of these panic attacks for so long#so I got blood drawn and x rays taken today#and that apparently was really hard on me 😭#I didn't notice until we were in the car something was wrong#then 10 minutes from home it was a full on panic attack#it sucks bc I've been prescribed klonopin for them!#but I can't take benzos with opioids and my pain is worse :/#if the klonopin didn't have a half life of 30-40 hrs it would be different#so until I adjust to the pain (or get it taken care of)#no anxiety meds :(
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Dam hi hello I never rly make text posts bc I dont know how to just yap away on tumblr but sorta status update that I wanna share here bc I post so rarely-
Lot of ppl would prolly say "hey we know u got a life and you're busy u cant always draw" but my ass has had so much time the past several years and I just couldnt get myself to draw
Well, I'm finally on a waitlist for an adhd diagnosis bc maybe just maybe not being able to do the things I want to do (and my responsibilities) wasnt just a depression thing oops
#miko talks#I've been kinda just beating myself up over it and upset that I didnt have frequently new oc stuff to yap about or the energy to make#drawings that lean more into the storytelling aspect#as of now only my discord friends rly know wtf is even going on with my ocs bc I like to headcanon in dms#I never know where to start if I were to share it online bc I?? Idk if Im cut out to make comics and I never truly got into proper writing#my writing style is literally just thinking of random scenarios and moments and stringing it together like a headcanon#and never an actual story start with an actual pov and fluorescent language or whatever lmao its just#“and then I imagine them doing this and that and if they did this that would be kinda fun wouldnt it”#so yeah Im definitely still figuring out how to work on that more#also once I have that adhd/autism diagnosis done with I do hope that my speculation isnt wrong I always doubt myself even tho I've pondered#this over for the past 3 years- well I hope I can get some sorta meds that clear up this invisible blockade in my brain#I dont know what to expect Im sorta anxious of how I'll feel like everybody else I heard talking about it that if I take the meds if I rly#am just gonna be able to machine gun out all the ideas in my brain without holding myself back anymore hah#oh well 15 months wait time lmaoo woop dee doo wish me luck Im also going to school again dskjfhsdf
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I'm so stupid 😬
#I've been taking the wrong medication for at least two or three days.......#took my anxiety meds twice a day. and didn't take my birth control/endometriosis medication.#been wondering all day why that stupid pain is back. yeah..... great!#I'm hoping it wasn't long enough that I'll start bleeding. I can't fucking handle that right now. I'm not even at home#😭😭😭#but anyway it hurts. I'm so angry at myself. the packaging doesn't look similar! one is literally green!! but I just take the ones that I#put in one specific spot and don't question it......#anyway. ouch.#personal#oh and also. I got really shaky and agitated on a lower dose than this of the anxiety meds... soo I also hope it wasn't long enough to be a#problem. because the dose I've been taking is higher than the highest recommended dose. soo. hopefully it was just two days 😬 though tbh it#was probably 4...#and my hands are super shaky but I didn't think too much about that (it happens sometimes) 🤦#annnnd if I do start bleeding that would be a problem because I don't have pads or anything here.... ahhhh I'm so stressed about this now 😭#I hope it'll be ok. I hope it wasn't too long. I can't deal with the pain rn 😭😭😭😭😭😭
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Today I was talking with my mom about why seeing an alligator is fundamental to my mental health. At first she laughed but I got her to listen and she gets it now. My psychiatrist and I call this the alligator litmus test, and it works really well for making decisions about my treatment. I bring this up because perhaps there is something in your life that you can use in a similar fashion.
I have severe major depressive disorder, and I treat this depression with medication. I've been on meds for about... seven years now, and sometimes we have to mess with them. But sometimes the emotional part of the depression is just super bad and there's something underneath that needs to be addressed. When we are figuring this out, my psychiatrist says to take one alligator and call her in the morning.
See, no matter how bad I'm feeling, seeing an alligator almost always cheers me up in the moment. (This works with other large crocodilians, too- they gotta be big, it doesn't work with caimans. I don't know why.) I can't look at their goofy toofers and beautiful eyes and bumpy hides and not be a little wowed by them. Millions of years of evolution have led to this amazing creature and they are completely unbothered by me. Almost all of the time, they make me feel happy. Or maybe I'll feel sad for some unspecified reason. Maybe I'll get worried about the ecosystem or something- but invariably, I will FEEL.
Unless, of course, it's my brain chemistry. If I can experience an alligator and not feel anything- not happy, not sad, just numb- there's something wrong and we should talk about adjusting my meds. Usually with a little tweaking I'm back to my very functional medicated baseline in quick order- instead of wasting time with coping skills and such alone when what I really need is brain chemicals, it's a much quicker way to communicate what's going on with me. At the same time, it also helps me know when the coping skills ARE likely to work without changing up my meds, or when there's something I need to work through with some help.
It's a pretty solid test. Might not work for anyone else on the planet, but it works great for me!
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why are both the meds i'm on ones that have dizziness as the main side affect. i have pots
#brought this up to my mom and she legit said 'your doctor is doing her best and you weren't diagnosed with pots when your ssri was added'#i had already talked to my doctor about dizziness and other pots symptoms. she knew it was a problem even if it wasn't pots#and i didnt get an appointment to talk about the med#she just prescribed it and i was supposed to start taking it#i had to go online to read about it because my doctors didnt tell me anything#and then i was (subclinically) dx'd with pots and i asked for a med to help with my slee#and the one she prescribed (again without having a conversation with me) has dizziness as a main side effect!#dont get me wrong im extremely grateful to be on medications that help with my symptoms#i just wish they didnt worsen my other symptoms ?#and i wish i were talked to about them before being expected to take them#like yeah im a minor but im sixteen#i've been very involved in my treatment and i've been the one to track things and talk to my doctors about symptoms and reauest referrals#anyway#if you're reading this ily and have a good day/night/timezone#vent tw#tw vent
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i am going to fight the nurse at my doctor's office oh my god
#fucked up my adderall prescription again... can't have shit#thanks for making me have to reach out AGAIN to get it corrected for YOUR stupid error#after i had to wait another day for my meds to be refilled at all bc of another error#and now they gave me a fucking 10 day supply and charged me for a 30 day supply#i've been getting the same fucking script for years now so idk why it's suddenly wrong. like it literally hasn't changed#and i have trauma around my meds being withheld from me due to shortages#like i'm sorry but would you just suddenly take away my glasses like nope you don't need these anymore#fuck them oh myg od i'm so tired of this#i'm so tired of being nice about it#i'm so tired of having to jump through 100138128 hoops just to be like. able to function.#and these STUPID people who don't know what they're doing making stupid fucking mistakes that affect me so profoundly#i despise our medical system i despise doctors and nurses i despise the lack of care towards disabled people in this society#anyway i'm trying to word this message to my care team and trying so hard to be polite about it but firm and god it's hard#win rambles
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