#I've been struggling with my mental health recently within the past couple weeks and I've been spiraling really badly

[casually-salad]

Not doing good right now, and probably for a long time, production rate is going to slow down for the cutie pox chronics, I can't keep making comics as large as they are and posting them within a week of starting it. It's not over just assume you're not going to get regular weekly ish updates

[parksprout]

Sprout Journal 12/3/24

Wow, it's been too long since I did one of these. I've really missed it. There hasn't been a day in the past couple of weeks since I fell off regularly posting my journal entries that I haven't thought about posting more, there's just been almost too much on my mind to articulate my feelings. Also, honestly, I've been on a really bad low lately. I've been at a really bad low with my mental health and... even though the journal entries have been a type of self therapy for a long time, it's hard to write them when I'm at my lowest because I already barely have enough motivation to do things like the dishes let alone homework, proper communication, or smaller things like my journal entries. There's been a few things going on at once recently that are impacting my mental health. Firstly there's school. Oh my god. It's finals week and... I'm so tired. School got a lot harder after the breakup, I started doubting myself and my dreams and lost almost all motivation to work as hard as I once did. It's sorta funny really how uncertain I am about the future now, when only what... five weeks ago I was starting to plan to move? I was looking at grad schools near where my partner lived, I was asking about the transfer process at my job since we have an account in their city, I was checking out rent and estimating the cost and logistics of everything, I was preparing myself to say goodbye to everyone. I was ready, and unfortunately they both weren't ready but... they aren't ready for us at all. I didn't realize how much that uncertainty was really grating on me until recently, and how much I've really lost just beyond their daily affection. I've also lost that assured feeling, I've lost the security of a future well planned. That lack of certainty made me start to doubt other things, too. My chosen major especially. I chose archaeology because it was the profession with the best mixture of passion, financial success, mobility and requirements for me and them. I knew that I could take this career and feel love for the field while also having the opportunity to move around that other careers might not offer me. I also knew I could, and was prepared to, provide for them with this career. I was even planning on applying to a field school around their city - or within a hundred miles of it - for this next summer. All of that went out of the window and... I felt really lost lately, and it's been difficult to find the energy to even start searching again.

The biggest struggles lately have been finding the passion to continue doing good at school, figuring out if I still want the major I chose, understanding how best to continue growing alongside the person I love after a big conversation we had in which I was basically rejected but... still weirdly felt assured that we might work out too, conquer self doubt & recover from this bout of depression onset after that conversation. I've let my hygiene slip a bit, and the chores have piled up, but I'm in recovery mode now.

I've recovered a little bit from that feeling. From those feelings. I've decided that I'm going to stick with my chosen majors, Archaeology & Anthropology, because I feel passion for those careers beyond the benefit of knowing I could work near the person I love. Also, I am still considering those universities near where they live. I weirdly felt compelled to ask them if it'd still be okay for me to move near them someday even if we're not together... I've always dreamed of living in their part of the country and it's seemingly where both my career and education are going, even if I'm no longer sure if my love will ever be requited again. They said they didn't mind if I moved there, they even suggested that we could still meet one day but... the idea scares me. I don't want them to meet me for the first time in the state that seeing them, but not being theirs, would leave me in. I know I would break down and cry, and... while I know they've never minded my tears, I would mind showing them in that moment. I've decided that I'm still going to look into the schools out there for the program I want, and I'm going to do my best to apply to them after I graduate from my bachelors program and start the moving process after that. It's still a couple of years away so.. who knows? Maybe me and them might be at a spot where we can try again then, anyways.

This next paragraph is a little darker than normal

I have been struggling a lot with my emotions regarding the person I love lately. I'm feeling increasingly tired .. I love them so much, but I can't express that love how I want to. I've been crying a lot these days, I haven't been able to really stop since last week. It happens randomly and unlike how it used to, I don't think crying helps me anymore. It isn't the relief it once offered. There's a lot to say about it, there's a lot I don't want to admit but I've gotta get it out there I think. I've been kinda losing my desire to live these days. Maybe I'm not feeling like hurting myself, but I'm feeling more reckless and less like .. there's a future in this world for me. It's usually a brief feeling, but I do imagine my death a lot these past few days. What it would mean and what it wouldn't, too. I don't linger on the thought for long; it's not an option, especially not just because of this relationship. I'm sure that I won't always feel so impassive towards the idea of my own end, but these days I'm not sure if I'd step out of the way if a car jumped the curb. Unfortunately, I made some big promises to the person I love a long time ago. I promised them that I'll never die, but I also promised I'd never stop loving them too. Those two promises hurt in tandem. I promised to always stay in this world full of love for someone who might not ever want to love me again for reasons that I can't personally change. I'm not going to die, but gosh I'm so tired.

Our big talk was a big talk.

They always are, but this one was especially important.. it was more of the same; them sharing why we failed, why they aren't comfortable trying again and .. it hurt the same as always. I feel very hopeless about us sometimes, but I also feel hopeless about me being able to move on too. We talked about a lot of things. I shared with them that I'm ready, or at least that I think I am, and that I'm going to keep treating them as I always have. That I'm going to treat them with all the love, kindness, respect and patience I always afforded them as a partner even if they can't provide me the privileges of a partner in return. I wish that they would feel comfortable being mine again but .. I also don't blame them for their reasoning. I don't think that we need to let it hold us back, I think that we could start again right now and be fully open about things, but my opinion isn't enough and it never will be. I don't mind that, though. I want them to want me, I don't want them to force themselves to try but .. gosh I wish they wanted to so bad!!! I know I'm good for them, and I know we could work so well. So.. I feel frustrated being in this scenario where I simultaneously respect their wishes but also believe that... they're being too afraid, too stubborn about us </3 but at the end of the day it doesn't matter if I think that or not.

Our conversation was such a bizarre thing. We talked about everything... from our situation, to the future both if we become a couple again or if we don't, current crushes and former ones, what we believe is okay in a relationship and what isn't. I actually felt such a strange mixture of hope and frustration at one point because they expressed that they have a bit of a crush (though an unrealistic one) on a coworker of theirs that is... over ten years my senior with a kid, yet their primary issue with our relationship is that they believe we're in too different of stages of life to work out. I get it that.. a crush and a relationship are two very different things, but genuinely me and them are not that far apart in any metric. I feel frustrated because... I could be a great partner at my point in life for them in theirs and vice versa. I am also somewhat jealous, I can admit that. I wish that.. they looked at me and felt how they do when they look at them. I didn't really react that badly at the time though, and that jealous feeling isn't even that intense today - it's pretty mild. I think that crushes are even kinda natural to get while you're in love with someone else, they're mostly meaningless temporary attraction and only really matter if you act on them/break your partners trust. I wouldn't mind talking about silly crushes with them in the future as partners as crazy as that sounds asdfasdfasdf. During our talk I did ask them out officially.. I already knew that the answer was a no, but it was still important to me that I try again in that moment. They may have said no but... they also told me "maybe later", "maybe someday but no guarantees", and probably the most important thing that they said "the way I see it is that we're just going along and seeing what happens" after I mentioned that I want them to keep reconsidering me and that we shouldn't close this door forever.

Since this talk we've been getting along really well I think, but... I think I might be a little overbearing with my affection. I've told them that I'm going to keep treating them like I would a partner just minus a few things and... they haven't told me that it's not okay to do that. Truthfully? I don't even know how to treat them like just a friend. We've never really been just friends.. not for very long, and I don't feel like I can be a good friend while I want them in these ways. I like to send them cute couple posts still and... flirty stuff too. I like to ask them "can this be us?" and show them places I would love to travel together. I love to fantasize and.. show them that they are still an active part of my dreamscape and future thought. I hope it's not strange for them... but I want to show them my love still.

I miss them a lot these days... I miss their smile, and hearing them laugh. I used to make them laugh so much... I dont think I can do it so much without us calling. I'm crying typing this right now haha. I was so much stronger not too long ago.. now I don't really know if I'm living or dead or something inbetween. I don't knbow what to do with all this love I have for them, and I don;'t know if it even matters if I feel this love anymore.

Wow, I cracked for a moment there. I came back to this after a while, I think I'm more okay now - I just needed to cry for a bit.

It's been tough since our talk, but I actually feel more hopeful about my chances now than I did before. Aaron had an opportunity to tell me ouright "NO FOREVER" but they never did.. they left the idea of us on the table and I think it's because they know I am a good partner. They've said - in kinda a reserved way I'll admit - that on paper I seem like a very good partner for them. I think that they do believe it, I don't think they'd say it openly to me because they know it'd give me a lot of false hope but... I know I can be very good to them and that I would be a great person to date again regardless of our past. But that's not for me to decide !!! It's up to the Bnuuy, not me.

I also had a conversation with one of our mutual friends... gosh it was so nice. I was having a really bad panic attack the other night and needed support, and that friend offered to talk to me because they care a lot about me. We talked for over three hours about everything and... gosh. It was one of the first times I have had someones full support. They told me that they believe fully that me and Aaron will work out because they saw the positivity I brought into Aarons life and the way that Aaron has always talked about me. I've never heard someone besides my former partner talk about our relationship from a spot of knowledge like that and ;w; it was very comforting having a friend who not only wants us to succeed but thinks that we can and should. We also talked about how we're both delusional people though, and that friend warned me that just because we both think that me & aaron ARE a good couple it doesn't mean we'll automaticallyt get back together or something. Either way... I was afraid that because this friend was Aaron's only at first that I wasn't allowed to be their friend now still, but I was mistaken. Thankfully.

Anyways this is so long and I'm so tired. There's a lot more to talk about but it can be another day <33 I love you tumbie, I promise I'm safe despite the heavy content material I SWEAR I AM GOING TO BE OKAY <333333 I won't ever hurt myself, I won't ever put myself in danger and I'm really not as down on my luck or feelings as I might seem during these journal entries. These are like... how Iget out the bad feelings. They are therapy. Also... I promised the bnuuy I would never die, so I don't intend to break that promise just like I won't stop loving them, either. Goodnight tumbie

[rj-firefly]

Mod post

Hey y'all, I hope everyone's doing good. This is just hopefully going to be a small post but-

I have a lot of stressful shit in my life so I ask everyone to be patient with me with my characters. I am sorry I am not on here as frequently as some people may like.

Some of the stuff that has been sent to my inboxes is never going to see the light of day as it is super hurtful to me, personally. Calling me slurs, berating my mental health and wishing ill on my family is never accepted and okay here. It is not funny or amusing at all.

So I am addressing this right now. I don't want to talk about my personal life, but I am.

In this past year alone we've had a couple deaths in the family, some big changes that are still in the process of happening within our household as well, that is taking up my time. I've had a friend almost die to a cancerous tumor, and most recently my nephew has tried to take his own life.

On top of that I have mental and physical health problems, and my partner has not been in a good space mentally with everything happening in our family as well.

So please, again, try to remember that I am a human being. I can't always be on here to provide you free entertainment. These characters of mine were a way for me to interact with people without having a panic attack as I struggle with social interactions. But if I wake up to hostile and cruel messages every week why the fuck would I want to keep doing this? Trust me, you don't have to try so hard to make me feel like shit, I'm barely hanging on most days.

Now, I've spoken to you like an adult, and hopefully maybe you can reflect on your actions and stop. Yes, I can simply delete those messages, but the point shouldn't be that I have to do that. It should be that they never get sent in the first place.

I hope you have a lovely and peaceful day. 💖

[fbwzoo]

I'm curious, what drew you to hermit crabs so strongly and got you so smitten with them? This is totally not intended to be a 'why do you like them they're just crabs' thing. I am a huge lover of small animals and know how bad that sentiment feels. I never had any myself, so I've never had a chance to really get to know one and notice specific behaviors or learned a lot about their care, and I'm super curious!

A good question, because I’m honestly still a little confused about how it all happened, lol! Part of it really is that I just kind of developed a special interest in them. Not exactly against my will, I guess, but not entirely of my own choosing either? Kind of an “oh, this is happening, okay cool�� thing. XD 

Basically, about 2.5 years ago I stumbled across an article talking about the plight of hermit crabs in the wild, with shell shortages. The article also mentioned that all hermit crabs sold in the pet trade are wild-caught and briefly mentioned a couple things about how badly they’re cared for most of the time versus what their true needs are. That immediately caught my attention & sympathy, so I looked up a bit more. I read the basics of their care - needing deep substrate, fresh & salt water, heat, humidity, varied diet, etc. - and just felt SO bad for how so many hermit crabs are treated. I tend to have a soft spot for small critters that are widely abused due to misinformation and/or lack of concern.

Fast forward a couple weeks, I ended up offering to take two hermit crabs from a classmate who hadn’t realized what they needed & didn’t care to fix things. I spent 2 weeks in a frenzy of shopping & setting up a 40g for them. And then I also got a third one from my neighbors the day after the first two came home.

In all honesty, I was somewhat bemused by these strange little beasts for the first 6-8 months. They weren’t at all like any critter I was used to caring for (ability to go without food for weeks, especially) and they seriously set off my anxiety with the whole disappearing act. XD I wasn’t really sure what to DO with them, but I was determined that they deserved to have a home at least willing to give them their basic necessities. If that was me, so be it. 

The timing was actually kind of horrible because about a month later I ended up moving several states away from home for the first time in my life, trying to find a job while being solely responsible for the crabs & an elderly dog, trying to cope with a first full-time job, losing the elderly dog, and then moving to my first apartment, all within 6 months. I heavily considered rehoming them for a couple months during that period because I wasn’t taking great care of them due to stress, depression, anxiety, etc., and the guilt was making all of the mental stuff worse. 

I ended up keeping them because I was also really anxious about giving them away to someone else who may continue the cycle of rehoming them or may not care for them properly, etc. I’m glad I did, because that period didn’t last and things improved once we got settled at the apartment. I’ve still struggled occasionally due to mental health over the past year & a half, but I’ve gotten better about not endlessly guilting myself for slips here & there. 

Anyway, somewhere in the past year & a half, I ended up getting genuinely attached to them and discovered how interesting they are to watch once they’re settled & not stressed. :D That helped a lot with accepting them as a hands-off pet. They’re really cute when they let you watch them - I think they’re absolutely adorable when eating or grooming themselves. And it’s amusing to watch their interactions, though sometimes a bit anxiety-inducing if there’s aggression like with my new girls recently. And they’re total acrobats when they have stuff to climb on!

Plus they’re just really a lot of fun to feed, especially because I love animal nutrition & food. That’s always been my favorite part about them! And once they’re set up, which is the most difficult part, they really are pretty low-maintenance. That makes them an easy pet for me to have - the hands-off thing has really become a positive since I don’t have to feel guilty if I mostly ignore the tank during rough weeks.

….That all said, I really do actually wish they weren’t pets & would dearly love to have every one of them back in the wild rather than in my dining room. They’re far hardier than they should have to be, and they’re one of those animals that I just don’t think can easily be given a fantastic habitat in captivity. Even if there wasn’t such a huge amount of misinformation and abuse happening to them. 

So yeah! Drawn in by sympathy & wanting to defend them from horrible care, and then somehow fell in love with their cute little eyes and weird mouthparts and unique behavior. :) Sorry this was so long, I didn’t mean to ramble so much!