#I've been so incredibly busy the past month I've barely had time for anything - so this was like a break from reality

[phant0m-l0rd]

My pictures of Dir En Grey in Paris, Day 1 (22.03.24)~

Day 2 pics here.

(my quick thoughts on the shows below the line)

I went to both Paris shows (VIP on day 1) and it was hands down the best experience of my life so far. So amazing beyond words. To not only meet my favourite band of all-time in the flesh, but to also watch them perform from the front row on the 1st day (and still very close to the stage on day 2) felt so surreal. Seeing them perform some of my favourite songs of all-time (including dead tree, my number 1 favourite song) was so overwhelmingly amazing I cried multiple times. I got acknowledgments from Die, Toshiya, and Kyo for screaming so loudly every time they came to our side of the stage, and I can't describe how affirming it felt. Since yall follow me on here, you know how much this band means to me, and especially Kyo. This man is my biggest inspiration in regards to both his music and his artistic self-expression. I've never been so inspired by a musician before; I've never been this obsessed with a band before. This was a dream come true, one that I never thought could happen. Thank you so much to this most incredible band. No band will ever come close for me.

[harlowhockeystick]

Can you please write with Freddie A "who knew you were one for the cheesy stuff?" And "spend the night?", thank you I love your writing...

j's valentine event | contains: fluff

reading fred, or trying to, was a difficult task. such that you weren't even sure if anyone had been successful at it before. he was the most stone cold, calm expression, still man you'd ever met. and as much as it confused you, it thrilled you all the same.

you had asked, bargained, tried to pry out of him what the plan was for valentines day. your relationship was still relatively new, february would be four months with him, and there were still some things that were unsaid and to still be discovered.

freddie liked to take things slow. he operated on his own time and schedule, not feeling the need to rush to do anything or be anywhere. it bothered you a lot, but it was slowly growing on you. slowly. incredibly slow.

earlier in the day fred told you that he would pick you up after he had practice. you'd spent the past few hours getting ready, picking out at outfit that would be appropriate for whatever he had in store. that was another thing about fred you were starting to slowly get used to. he liked planning date nights, but he never told you what date nights were. or where they were, or what you needed to wear.

but damn if the dates night weren't good. so it compensated. one night he rented out the entire movie theater just for you guys, and you barely watched the movie as you spent a majority of the time making out like teenagers.

you had high hopes for the valentines date. you put together an outfit that you could wear to the most expensive place in town, but to also a casual sandwich shop. the duality of an outfit is important.

he walked you out to his car, opening the door for you, giving you a sweet kiss before closing it and walking to the drivers side. "so, what's the plan for tonight?"

"i had planned that we go out to dinner at armando's, go to the live theater and watch that play you'd wanted to see, then go home for a bit. sound good to you?"

"that sounds....great but isn't armando's, don't they have like a month long wait list?" he chuckled at your question, his right hand holding yours as his left hand took control of the steering wheel.

"yeah, and?" he toyed with you, looking over while the light was red. "i've had this planned out for a while babe," he kissed the top of your palm while he drove forward when the light changed to green.

he walks you into the restaurant and the ambiance is quite romantic. there's red roses adorned at every table along with two unscented candles, dim lighting with soft music playing in the back ground.

throughout the rest of the night, from it seemed like out of his back pocket he handed you a large bouquet of red and white roses for you to have. the live theater was on your bucket list and he was happy to check it off with you.

he suggested that, after the dinner and the play, he take you outside of raleigh for a drive. to just go for a drive, to get out of the business for a while. the drive was a little long, but he found a spot to pull off for a little bit.

he opened his back trunk of his suv and laid a blanket out in the back for you both to lay on, looking up at the stars. his arm was wrapped around you, your head resting on his chest.

"who knew you were one for the cheesy stuff?" you teased, your finger tracing up and down his arms lightly.

"what do you mean?" he said through a smile.

"well, the fancy dinner date, the play, the roses, looking at the stars...it's straight out of a movie, red." he chuckled at the nickname and kissed your forehead.

"i dunno, i just wanna enjoy the time i have with you. i know i don't get a lot, but i wanna make the most of it."

throughout your conversation, before and after, there was a thought burning in his brain. up unto this point, you'd done a lot together as a couple, but you had yet to spend the whole night through. you had walked through his front door to go home at two or three in the morning, and those moments he wanted to say just stay here, but he didn't.

he wants you to, now. but is it too soon? is it too quick of a move? he can't decide, so he'll just let you decide for him. he waits to ask on the drive back into town, with the soft radio playing and the sound of the highway.

"stay the night with me," he says, taking your hand and turning the radio down. a faint smile grows on your lips, you bite it back because you don't want to seem too excited but you had wanted this for a while too.

"are you sure? i don't have any overnight stuff with me," you tried to reason.

"yeah- yes, yes i'm sure. i can take you home so you can get stuff, if you want."

"i'd like that." he grins, bringing your hand up to his lips again to kiss once more.

[mamamittens]

Things have been a tad hectic prepping for inventory (I believe the second in the past month or so) and I've kinda barely been aware of anything beyond my nose, ngl.

And we've got another one at the end of the month (bastards).

I'm heavily considering finding a new job but it'll ideally be another month before I start making the jump. Hopefully I'll find another that's better paying without being so damn brutal and stressful. They do NOT pay me enough to deal with all this shit.

The job I've got my eye on will require me to get a driver's license sooner rather than later but it's 8-5~ with guaranteed weekends and holidays off, which is leagues better than what I've got right now where I could possibly work every holiday and basically any weekend with little to no notice depending on the business needs. Assuming I can get it, the starting pay is incredibly likely to be more than what I get now after 5 years with my current job. So like... I'm willing to fix appliances. Teach my ass, hell yeah.

And this is without mentioning the crazy ass weather we've had lately.

I can't promise to get to the asks in my inbox anytime soon. Hopefully y'all won't mind bearing with me for the time being.

It's not quite nine yet and I'm heavily considering passing TF out already. Which is a little depressing cause I would have liked to try and write a little ramble headcanon again but I'm all tapped out for that.

[ailendolin]

Title: Burgundy [AO3] - Part 1/2

Characters: Nigel/Thomas, Walter

Summary: When Walter confronts Nigel about his relationship with Thomas, things take an unexpected turn when he apologises for his past behaviour and offers to make amends by honouring an old medieval Easter tradition - the giving away of clothes.

A/N 1: Ever since 4x01 aired, Thomas announced his favourite colour is burgundy and the Plague Ghosts got excited about Walter's tunic matching that colour, I've been itching to write a clothes swapping fic where Nigel gets to wear Walter's tunic as a surprise for Thomas. A few days ago, I looked up medieval Easter traditions and this site mentioned the tradition of giving away clothes. Thus, this fic was finally born.

A/N 2: This is my 100th Ghosts fic (including prompt ficlets)! Insane and incredible!

————

Burgundy

Chapter 1: The Talk

“Nigel? Can I talk to you for a moment?”

Nigel felt dread pool in his stomach. The last time Walter wanted to talk had been seven hundred years ago after he’d caught Nigel kissing his younger brother. He still vividly remembered how small he’d felt when Walter towered over him and made the love he’d felt for Ned sound like something vile and horrible. The aftermath of the incident hadn’t been pretty, and he’d steered clear of Walter as best as he could in the months and years that followed.

The tension between them became less tangible and biting after death forced them together and decades turned into centuries but it never quite faded away. It hung like an invisible, unspoken thing between them whenever they locked eyes across the room, and more often than not Nigel found himself shrinking back from Walter’s glare just like he had on that beautiful summer’s day when breathless kisses had turned into heartbreak in the blink of an eye.

His strained relationship – for lack of a better term – with Walter was also the reason why he hadn’t told anyone about this fragile, precious thing blooming between him and Thomas yet. He was terrified of history repeating itself and Walter ruining what had barely begun, and at the same time utterly ashamed that Walter’s opinion still had such a hold over him. It should not matter, not anymore, but it did, and every time Nigel gathered up his courage to tell the others about Thomas, one look into Walter’s eyes was enough to make the words die on his tongue.

It made him feel like a coward – as if his love for Thomas was something shameful he needed to hide when the complete opposite was true. Being with Thomas made him happier than anything else had in a very long time. It felt like coming home at the end of a very long and cold day and thawing up by the fire; like seeing the sun rise over the hills after a terribly dark night that had shrouded all light in shadows for so long it seemed like morning would never come, and like walking through the woods at dusk and watching the fireflies dance among the trees.

His love for Thomas was not meant to be kept secret; it was meant to be shared in smiles and laughter for all the world to see, and Nigel desperately wanted to hold his hand without having to worry about who might see them. Thomas deserved that; they both did.

It was that thought he kept in his mind as he silently followed Walter through the closed basement door into the narrow space between the staircase and bookshelves. He’d kissed Thomas there, once – just on the cheek to bid him goodnight but his lips had tingled for hours afterwards and Thomas’s cheeks had been burning bright red in the dark as he’d ducked his head with a shy smile and mumbled, “Goodnight,” in return.

Nigel had a feeling that whatever bone Walter had to pick with him today would not become such a fond memory.

“Look,” Walter said gruffly after several beats of awkward silence. “All this sneaking around is getting very tiresome for all of us. I know whatever’s going on between you and Thomas is not any of my business but–“

Fear, sharp and searing as hot iron and so sudden it nearly took his breath away, lodged itself in Nigel’s throat.

“N-Nothing’s going on!” he blurted out, panicking. “Thomas and I – we’re just friends.”

He stumbled over the last word, over the lie he’d never wanted to tell, and something shifted in Walter’s eyes. They softened, turned gentle like they hadn’t in years, not since the day Walter’s daughter moved on and left behind a bitter shell in place of a once kind and joyful man.

“Nigel,” he said quietly. He took a step towards him and Nigel instinctively flinched back, nearly passing through the wall behind him in his attempt to bring some distance between them. He almost felt bad when Walter froze in shock, his hand hovering mid-air in the space between them. Almost. Seven hundred years weren’t nearly enough to make him forgot how close Walter had come to breaking his arm back then when he tried to separate him and Ned.

Letting his hand drop to his side, Walter stepped back to give him some space.

“Sorry,” he whispered, sounding genuinely remorseful. “I didn’t think the others were right but – they are, aren’t they? You haven’t told us because of me.”

Nigel swallowed hard and glanced at the floor – a silent admission in itself.

“God, Nigel, I – I was scared back then. Terrified something would happen to you both,” Walter said, silently begging him to understand. “You know the world wasn’t kind to people like you, and you were both so carelessly stupid. I mean, I caught you kissing behind the barn where anyone could have seen you! What were you even thinking?” He wiped a tired hand across his face and deflated. “I was just trying to protect you idiots.”

That old wound in Nigel’s chest, the one he had carried with him ever since Ned had left the village without saying goodbye, ached as if not a single day had passed.

“You broke my heart and you never let me forget,” he whispered, feeling his eyes burn. “You punished me for loving him.”

“No,” Walter choked out with a shake of his head. “No, Nigel. Not for loving him. For putting him in danger.”

Nigel squeezed his eyes shut and turned his head away, shameful and guilty. “I didn’t mean to. I’d never–”

“I know,” Walter said softly, surprising him. “You were just young and stupid – we all were.” He sighed. “I never meant to make you think that loving him – or anyone else – was wrong, Nigel. I was just afraid of losing my brother. It didn’t even occur to me that your story could end in anything but persecution and death – that with a little support, you might have lived a happy life together. And for that I’m sorry.”

Part of Nigel wanted to believe him if only to be finally able to put this whole mess behind him for good. Most of him, however, wanted to curl protectively around his heart and keep both it and Thomas as far away from Walter as possible. It had taken him so long to find that happiness Walter spoke of again, to find someone who made him smile with nothing but a glance and a curl of lips. Even now, it still sometimes felt like a dream to him when he looked at Thomas and found his eyes crinkling at the corners just for him; and every time, without fail, that old, familiar fear of having this little bit of happiness he managed to carve out for himself snatched away again welled up from deep within him. He knew Thomas was battling similar insecurities and that made it a little easier to open up about them and accept that these scars were a part of him, just like the plague sores and frayed edges of his cowl.

Until today, Walter’s reaction to finding out about him and his brother had been one of those scars – barely scabbed over, ready to break open again at the slightest of touches. No matter how sincere Walter sounded just now, Nigel knew it would take time for him to learn to trust him again. A lifetime, probably. Maybe even longer.

It was a good thing they had all the time in the world.

He must have been silent for too long because Walter began to shift awkwardly on the spot before he glanced down at his feet. “I’m not asking for your forgiveness here – that’s not what this is about. But I’d like to try and make amends, if you’ll permit it.”

Touched and just a little bit curious, Nigel tilted his head to the side. “How?”

“Do you remember how we used to celebrate Easter?” Walter asked.

The question took Nigel by surprise. He knew the festival was coming up but if he was being honest, he hadn’t thought about Easter in years. Memories of times long gone flashed through his mind – his father explaining to him that they weren’t allowed to eat any eggs between Ash Wednesday and Easter, followed by his mother taking him and his younger brother by the hands on Easter Sunday to collect their chickens’ eggs for the first time in weeks, turning an otherwise mundane task into an exciting event.

“Of course I do,” he said softly as he remembered the smell of freshly made eggs and his brother’s toothy grin across the table.

Walter shook his head.

“I’m not talking about the eggs,” he said with a knowing smile. “I mean the clothes.”

In some distant part of Nigel’s mind, another memory stirred: his father staring up at Walter’s father with a look of reverent awe on his face as he was presented with a cowl as a gift – the very one Nigel was still wearing today, centuries later. His father had considered the gift giving of new clothes on Easter Sunday one of the highest honours someone like him – a lowly peasant – could receive and always held Walter’s family in the highest regards afterwards. Years later, when Nigel came of age, he had bestowed the same gift upon him, and no matter how tattered and worn the cowl had become over time, Nigel had always worn it with pride.

Almost absentmindedly, he reached up to touch the soft fabric resting over his shoulders. “Your father gave this to mine when I was seven.”

Walter nodded. “It was meant to strengthen the bond between our families.”

“And it did,” Nigel said quietly.

“But only for our parents,” Walter said. He took a deep breath and straightened his shoulders. “I’d like to rectify that, and I’d like to do it by honouring tradition.”

Not sure he was understanding what Walter was saying, Nigel frowned. “But how? We’re ghosts, we can’t give away our–“

The mischievous glint in Walter’s eyes made him falter.

“Or can we?”

[barelynotsinking]

Kinda just need to vent. My home life is kind of shit. My parents blow up and you can never tell when they will but it always feels like it's your fault. I never feel safe with them. Today CPS came for a visit, my ceiling has a hole in it which My parents haven't fixed in the past 2.5 years. We are upper middle class and can afford it they just don't have time. Our house is old and it is likely there is both asbestos and lead in the ceiling and it is now in my room. I've lived there for the past 2.5 years and until last month there has been no effort to move me or fix the hole despite them knowing the dangers. Everytime I ask them about they yell at me and essentially call me ungrateful. They are very busy and work 10+ hour work days but this is important to my health, it is not my fault, and I've asked very respectfully understandingly and politely. In the past 2.5 years I have only made two step forward, all within the last month. I've been moved to a different room and my parents now tell me about the efforts they are making to fix the hole (which they only started in genuine a month ago). Everything in our house is broken and they make no effort to fix it. They blame it on us for being careless and clumsy, but it is a house with 2 teenagers and a tween. All depressed and 2 with diagnosed adhd. They scream at us if we forget somethings as simplenas doing the dishes, they've called us names, they cuss us out, they bring in our hopes dreams and passions, things we told them when things were in a good place and turn them against us to use them as a put down. It's been like this for as long as I can remember but it's gotten worse in recent years as they have gotten more stressed. They don't realize what they are doing and I genuinely don't think they believe anything is wrong. But it's gotten to the point that my little sister has noticed. When they found out about CPS they weren't angry but they were stressed and I think they handled it all wrong. They told us we couldn't tell anyone about it, which sucks because the whole ordeal was incredibly stressful, though we knew we probably wouldn't be taken we still couldn't count on it and we needed the support from our friends (shout out to my bsf who I told anyway they're the only reason this is only a tiny bit less shit). They also told us not to be dramatic while talking to the social worker, like they knew something was wrong but thought it was our fault which fuckings sucks. They also told us that we needed to clean up so they didn't look like neglectful parents. Which is complete bullshit. Bc yeah they look like neglectful parents, they are neglectful parents, this is what neglectful parenting looks like. I had my CPS interview today (I went out to see a movie so I had missed the social worker) the entire way back home I was stressing and deciding whether or not to lie to them. On one hand there was that I love my siblings and CPS fucking sucks and I don't trust the government, but lying feels like giving my parents a pass for all the shit they do, it feels like saying their shitty treatment of me and my siblings is okay, because I'm "choosing it". I don't know what I was going to do, but I think lying would've been the bigger thing to do, not letting my petty rage get in the way or what not. But when I called the social worker she didn't ask me any questions, she just wanted to tick a box, she just needed to see my face. And in some ways I think that's worse, bc she didn't give a shit, she was supposed to and she didn't, and I twisted myself into knots just for her to do the bare minimum. Now I just feel like I'm not worth it and I'm making it all up. That is not that bad and I'm being dramatic. That I don't deserve that help. And honestly I don't know how true that is. But I just feel like shit

[purplesurveys]

1780

When was the last time someone admitted to having somewhat of an attraction to you? Few months ago when some dude in Malaysia hit on me and also tried to use this cheesy pickup line which was tbh adorable but I just wasn't looking for anything so I turned him down.

If people hit on you semi-often, what race tends to hit on you the most? Eh that never happens to me.

Have you ever had an experience with ghosts or angels? If you have, explain: No and I don't believe in either anyway, so...

How has the summer been treating you thus far? June was fantastic; I went on back-to-back overseas trips and it was incredibly refreshing to have a month where I spent more time off than at work. The rest of it is an autopilot blur because I spent the rest of it working, lol. I can barely remember what happened in July.

What was the last wedding you went to like? Any pictures you’d like to post? I haven't been to a wedding since my aunt and uncle's in 2007. None of my friends are married, and the people I know who have since gotten married I'm not even close with so I've never gotten invited to theirs.

Was yesterday an exhausting and busy day? It actually was my most exhausting day of the week. It left me so tired I don't even know how I managed to drive home lol, I just wanted to close my eyes and pass out the whole ride.

Have you ever choked on food before? Not on food but on liquids and my own spit in the past, yeah.

Do you ever make awkward eye contact with people at restaurants? I wouldn't call those instances awkward. Sometimes I just meet eyes with strangers and that's all there is to it. I just look away as quick as I can so that they don't think I'm staring.

How often do random numbers call your cell phone? I wanna say 2-3 times a month because we're apparently doing a crap job addressing the whole thing about scammers and them having a hold of literally everyone's numbers.

Can you just go with the flow, or do you like control? I like an overall structure, but it's nice to have a bit of freedom within that structure. That said I definitely am not nearly as anal as I used to be and enjoying going with the flow is probably the biggest change I've undertaken in the last three years.

Is your internet connection slow? It is and it has been SO SHITTY the last 2.5 weeks. Our internet service provider is shit shit shit shit SHIT. I've been going to the office for 2.5 weeks now because I can't stand the slow service lmao; they also keep saying they'll bring someone in to fix whatever the fuck problem is happening but they've been saying that for the last couple of weeks and no one ever comes.

Have you ever unblocked someone that you blocked before? Yep.

Do you like to eat fruit salad? No that sounds like the worst punishment ever.

Can you take naps, or does it make you feel horrible? I can, but I don't. My free time is very rare and I always see sleep as a waste of time, even though I know I shouldn't... but idk, I guess I've always been a "I'll sleep when I'm dead" kind of person.

Do you know anyone who can’t swallow pills? I don't think so! I mean I have my moments where the damn pill just won't go down and the water makes me nauseous already LOL, but for the most part it's not a cause for concern with me.

When was your last uneventful day? That would be last Friday and Saturday – I had a fever then and both days were entirely spent on the couch recovering. I didn't want to risk getting up and doing stuff and possibly making my fever even higher.

Does your ex have a reason to hate you? Yes.

What annoys you the most about people? This is speaking only on the side of Filipino culture but I hate the culture of aggressive bargaining and find it embarrassing. Like the seller you're haggling is making a lot less than you are; if she says a top is 700 just pay the damn 700 lol. I'm FOR SURE in the minority here but I just don't like the idea of pressuring people, especially because I know I would hate it if I'm being forced to lower down prices that I set hahaha.

Don’t you hate how cameras are almost everywhere in public now? I don't find it a problem and it actually makes me feel safer.

Has anyone slapped you across the face before? If so, why? Yeah. Fuck if I know. I haven't talked to him in like five years.

How long have you been on the computer today? I want to say a little over 6 hours.

Did you know that a large fry at McDonald’s contains 500 calories? No but tbh I don't care. I know what I'm signing up for whenever I eat fast food, lol.

Do you find it hard to truly trust people? I trust my friends; it's a question mark for everyone else. I want to remain guarded, especially with how unsafe or sketchy the outside can get.

Do you prefer to have more or less in common with your siginificant other? Less is always more fun, as long as it's the little things – like me liking wrestling and my SO not understanding it one bit. It's a mess waiting to unravel if you have nothing in common with the fundamental items, like religion or wanting to have kids.

Why do you think people care so much about looks? Doesn't it just simply boil down to society and media and what we think society and media tell us to do?

What do you do when there’s a question in a survey that you don’t want to answer? I just delete it altogether or give a noncommittal answer.

Do you hate the last guy/girl you had a thing with? I did. I'm just calm now.

Have you ever taken a survey so long it bored you? Yes.

How easy was it to get over the person you last dated? 7 months, to my own surprise.

Do you allow people to ask you questions? Sure.

Would you take a shot of heroin for a million dollars? No.

Why don’t you talk to your ex anymore? I don't need to and I don't want to.

[catboybiologist]

From an omnipotent "I can restructure the system from the ground up" perspective, or from a "how do I navigate the current system as a student?"

From what you're asking, seems more like the second one. I do have some advice here for undergrads in STEM:

First bit of advice I'll give with any advice, is to take all advice with a grain of salt. I'm talking about my life and my goals, and a lot of the things that may work for me, may not for you.

Figure out your goals early. I'm talking, freshman year of college or when selecting a college early. Figure out if you want to do something like grad school, secondary school like med school, MS vs PhD, go direct into your career, etc.

Grades are less important than you think for most applications. this is where identifying your goals is handy: the main places where grades matter are highly competitive secondary schools, like med schools. Grad schools care somewhat, but less than you think.

The "prestige" of your undergrad institution means jack shit, especially if you're going to grad school. Maybe if you're in business or law or something. In fact, it can work against you in a serious way- larger institutions well known for their research output will be more concerned with that research output than with including you, as an undergrad, in it. Primarily undergrad institutions, local state colleges, and community college research experience programs may not get you working with the best labs in the world- but those best labs won't put you on the author list of their papers anyways, so what's the point of chasing prestige?

So what is important? Internships are good. Research experience is often better, because they allow you to consistently work on the same project for years at a time and accomplish measurable goals with them. The most successful people I've seen had consistent research labs that they stuck with for years during undergrad, but also did one or two temporary internships for a month or two along the way.

These are things that worked well for me. Quick professional history of how these things benefited me:

Went to a local, "shitty" state college, where I got the insanely lucky opportunity to start research as a freshman. This would've never happened at an R1 (a "good" university).

This decision also happened due to a fucking horrendous high school GPA.

Undergrad research led to two prestigious publications.

It also led to a close relationship with an undergrad research advisor who was amazing.

GPA was middling during undergrad.

Stayed at undergrad institute for an MS, somewhat bc of COVID, but mostly to "test out" bioinformatics instead of pure bio. Also switched to a different research advisor at the same school.

disastrous, horrific, and brutal MS experience that tanked my mental health beyond belief... but very hands on and taught me a lot!

GPA was horrible during MS, barely passed the qualifying GPA.

got into a PhD at an R1 institution, not so well known that its a household name or anything, but still considered a "good" school.

Most people would say I'm incredibly qualified, at least on paper. No one cares about my GPA when making that assessment, they only care about my research history. I hope this doesn't come across as boasting, this is supposed to be an honest assessment of what contributed to my successes and what contributed to my failures. Chasing GPA contributed to my failures. Chasing prestige contributed to my failures. Long term commitment to a research lab is the root of all my successes.

This all said... I'm burned the fuck out, and there's a very real possibility I master out within the next year. I haven't been very successful in my PhD thus far. I've been extremely unproductive compared to the past. I'm taking an extended break in the near future, and we'll see if that helps, but there's a good chance it doesn't. There's a lot of personal reasons for the burnout (which I've talked about before and can talk about if ppl are interested), and I know a lot of people with similar professional histories that haven't crashed nearly as hard, so I can't say this advice will cause everyone to burn out, but that's my disclaimer on all of this.

So if the professors don't like writing the exams

The students don't like taking the exams

The TAs don't like grading the exams

The education experts generally agree that our exam systems are largely stupid

Then....

[prelovednikaidou]

corrupt; draken, ken ryuguji [01]

Summary:

In which you met the man of your past, but he didn't come back to remind you of the bitter break-up. Draken had one thing in mind and it was to never let you leave his side ever again. Distance made the heart grow fonder but he'd rather let you spend the rest of your life hating him if it meant you'd never leave his sight.

"I don't wish you well when you ain't with me, I want you crying."

Warning:

mention of suicide, oral receiving (reader),

a/n: taglist are open up to 10 users! comment '☁️'

Word count: 2.1k

series masterlist

[01: jealousy]

Draken wanted to take you away.

The curves of your spine, flowing down to the slope of your well-rounded bottom flesh, he watched the symmetrical dimple right above your butt - mocking him that those precious intimate spots were no longer his possession to own.

It wasn't only him who shared the same thought; everyone in this crowded room had their eyes glued on you. As if you were holding those guests captive, you felt immense pressure on your feet and thighs, quivered before you wrapped your leg around the shining pole.

Spinning, spinning, spinning.

Those blinding lights showered your sweating figure in all fairness, the sound of Abel's voice had long dimmed down, it meant that your show was done. It was silent in a minute,

lifting your face - your lips curled into a hunting smile and the room soared with cheers, crumpled money tossed across the stage, but your sense of content was suppressed by the overwhelming tension.

A pair of black pupils were starring at you - pinning you to where you stood. He was among the crowd, all in his glory without care but you. You felt something burst inside your chest, unable to tear your focus from him.

This longing for him is toxic.

Flashes of memories where those sober eyes bore into yours when he pumped his fat cock into your tight cunt until his thick cum over spilled, the same eyes that once shone with so much love but turned cold.

"Dollface!"

A shout from backstage startled you from your daze, another coworker came up and escorted you down, assisting you to take off the painful high heels.

"What's with you?" She threw a curious stare your way.

You still couldn't wrap your mind. He was there. Flesh and soul, presented in front of you. It was a brief eye contact but it was enough. Enough to tell you that he was coming back for you.

It had been years since the two of you chose to split up, making your paths without each other's companion.

"I, I've got to go. I forgot that I locked the windows, my cat's probably waiting for me. He's been out for 3 days so he's starving I think. Y'all can continue without me,"

You stood but your knees turned weak at the sudden arrival of him, standing by the door. A few steps taken back, you lost all rationality to stay calm because your heart thumped loudly.

Standing tall on his 6' ft, athletic and young Draken was nowhere to be seen but replaced - with a mature adult man that induced everything he carried into lust.

The robust body looked incredibly fit, lean, and you could see the strong outlines of his defined chest and abdominal muscles from the black shirt. If it was years ago, those leather jackets wouldn't suit him - he'd look like those up-start wannabe gangsters.

But it was different now. It clung to his broad shoulders perfectly, he wasn't as cheap as those local pranksters. The dark jeans also did little job in hiding his long legs. He was indeed a member of a gang; eerie and cruel - but he had never look this good that you want to fuck.

Draken's presence was enough to brush away every man in the room that you belonged to him. Your little admirers couldn't even look at him in the eyes, let alone make up a fight.

They left with a strong sense of defeat; no wonder you never once accept any confessions, turned out you have such a man waiting.

"Why is he here? This area is off-limits. Only staff is allowed. Naoki, guide him out." You forced yourself to mutter those words, uncaring to look at him with your back facing him.

Naoki sighed, this man literally slipped $750 under the table just to meet you. Those incompetent flies who claimed to love you didn't even spare this much effort. She only signaled him to step in before she whispered to you,

"Remember the guy I told you? The one that booked a whole session for your private room? He's that guy. It's just that he arrived a little early than the arranged meeting but it'll be great if you can build a connection with him."

You glared back, "Then send him back. We still have a week before that, right? I'm tired. I can't keep up with this," You pushed off her hand from your shoulder, began to take off your wig. His eyes were still the same; always undressing you naked.

Naoki could only grit her teeth, the money already landed in her pocket. What if he asked it back? She can't let such a great deal slip so she greeted him,

"She's a bit tired from the recent show. How about we push this to tomorrow? She's got free time on her hand to rest too." At least, this would do, right?

"If I have so much time on my hands, I wouldn't have come a week early. So you guess it yourself." His voice has changed too. It was an octave lower, you immediately rubbed your thighs together before you waved a hand.

"Haaa... leave us, Naoki. But I need you to go to my house. I wasn't joking about what I said earlier."

Naoki hurriedly nodded, clutching to her pocket before her eyes warily darted from Draken to you. Is this a couple feud? She noted in her head that she'd help this guy soon in the future - who doesn't want easy money?

"Okay, I will. Sir...? Err.. hope you have a pleasant chat with Dollface. I will excuse myself then ." The hindrance in Draken's eyes finally left the room, the door closed in a thump and the subtle tension thickened.

He didn't say anything, only leaned his body by the door as he watched you wiped off your makeup. This was his morning view back when you were still wet behind ears about pole dancing. You'd come back at the crack of drawn and he'd already been out to his workshop.

"Dollface."

Stubborn like a little cat, your doe eyes didn't look up from your make-up bag and he could see through your act to be so busy. He loved how feisty you've become after years. It eased his heart that you could chase off those little shit.

"It suits you, [Y/N]. Face so pretty like a doll. Make one's heart itch to keep around. But I wonder why the name sounds so familiar."

"State your business. I'm heading home straight after this so don't expect a lap dance or something."

"Then that's the plan. I'll drive you home, eh?"

That damn 'eh'. He picked up your habit too well that the time he spent with you shaped him into copying your habit. It sounded cute but your heart still couldn't forgive him. Let him suffer a little.

"Don't need to. My boyfriend is great at doing his job. So do me a favor and let me rest quickly, how about that?"

Now, you were looking at him through the mirror. It was just too hard for you to muster yourself to face him directly. Draken didn't seem shaken. He stood straightly, you clenched your thighs tighter.

"Have I ever been quick in everything when I'm with you, [Y/N]?" His towering figure gawked over your smaller frame - casting his shadow over you as his sharp facial features caught your attention.

"Can't remember. Maybe? Because I said it just now almost like a reflex." You replied, not backing down but instead, squaring up to him that your ample breasts brushed against his torso.

His cologne didn't smell like the tacky, cheap body spray he used to own. This one smelled so expensive, alienated your memory of his familiar scent.

"Now you're getting older, your memory is getting rusty, dollface. Should I put on a play and see if you can call anything in mind?" You felt your breath became heavier but he didn't let you lose your focus yet.

Your chin was tugged upwards, the shadow of his cap cast upon his face and you remembered now; it was his eyes. Because he wasn't vocal about his feelings, you could understand everything from his eyes.

"You've grown softer, Draken. I almost threw up listening to you talk like this. What, are you changing jobs now? Don't tell me you went from a gangster to a con artist."

No, you were lying to yourself. Draken didn't change but improved. Change can be something bad but he never did anything that would bring him down. He just got better.

And it was true when the velvety touch on your beating pulse suddenly moved to your lips before he squished your cheeks in his hand.

"Fucking hot as hell but so damn annoying." He laughed, the light from his eyes never return, only replaced by a wicked glint.

He wanted to take you to his place, fuck you in his bed until you couldn't walk properly so he'd have more reasons to keep you at his place. He wanted to swallow you whole and he barely even started but why was it so damn hard to have you?

"Don't dare to think of anything nasty. You might not care about commitment in a relationship, but I do. So take your hands off me, Draken."

"Kenie. It's Kenie for you."

Your lips were so plump and wet, his other arm wrapped around your waist - hoisting you up to his body before he leaned by the dresser.

You shrieked when his scalding hot palm touched your naked back and as he untied the strings of your bra, he smiled at your face as he said,

"Do you think I'm going to believe that, dollface? Do you really think I don't know that this pussy hasn't been fucked well for months? I have eyes across this ward. You don't get to fool me."

Heat rose to your face, your small hands pushed on his shoulders, "You're still up in my business? Sounds like someone can't fucking move on."

He nodded, ripping off your lacey bralette and his big hands began to palm your heavy breast - carelessly rubbing your nipple with his thumb. You fought the urge to moan, you hold onto his shoulder for dear strength.

"You're right. I can't move on." Your breath hitched, he nuzzled his face to the column of your neck, inhaling so deep, and wrapped his arms tightly around your body. He missed you so much. So much that if you ran away again, he'd just kill himself.

"I fucked my fist thinking of you. I got this hard just by thinking of you. I'm not ashamed of it."

"That's your problem, Draken. I'm not you. I'm living my best life right now, and sorry that I can still cum just with my fingers."

"That's my girl," He pushed you until your back met the concrete wall, your eyes widened when he took off his cap and put it on you before he dropped to his knees.

"I am aware of your appetite, [Y/N]. You won't be happy with such a small meal. You always keep coming back to have your tight pussy stuffed. Even when we were living together, you couldn't stop begging my dick every night."

"What the hell are you talking about-" You pushed his forehead away from your private part, one hand covering your pussy but he gripped the side of your hips - bringing you straight to his mouth.

"I don't care if you use me as your favorite Cherry Twins. But don't deny that I made you cummed the hardest when I was in your life, dollface."

Your eyes became misty, his words just flew through your head - empty when his mouth latched on your clothed crotch, lapping on the small fabric that the nudge of his tongue probed on your budding clit.

Cherry Twins were the name he gave to your vibrators. Since he was always out when you were at home, he'd make you use them to your greedy cunt - even made a video call so he could jerk off in the public restroom.

You were wild, but he taught you to live even wilder.

Next page: chapter [02] →

a/n : next chapter is full smut bcs thats the only thing my brain's capable of. Taglist are open up to 10 users! Comment '☁️’.

Taglist: @hanmascult @q-the-rockaholic @hikkarins

[lipstickstainz]

true lies - s. r. (14/15)

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader

Series Summary: Spencer is furious, when you rejoin the team after a year and after you left him, when he got arrested. Little does he know, that you leaving him was the only option to ever get him out of prison.

Chapter Summary: Leaving is the only option - right?

Warnings: angst, blood (but not much), break up, drug addiction (mentioned), alcohol consumption

Word Count: 3.3k

A/N: hello lovies. I'm back and my mind is full of ideas! I hope you like it! gif not mine.

Series Masterlist

previous chapter

You watch the coffee in your cup as if it has all the answers for the future hidden in the caffeine. It's eight o'clock in the morning, and this is already your third cup of the sacred liquid, and you're sure it won't be your last. The shadows under your eyes are a sign of your nightmares that haunted you last night. The fact that you have them doesn't bother you, after all, you've been going through the procedure for months. What bothers you is the fact that you couldn't wake yourself up this time. You've gotten in the habit of pinching yourself when it would get too painful, but something stopped you last night. And the fact that you don't know what exactly bothers you the most.

"Y/N." Emily's voice pulls you out of your thoughts and you have to tear your gaze away from your coffee. "What do you think?"

All eyes are on you and out of nervousness you'd like to slide around in your chair, but suppress the urge. You haven't been listening for the last few minutes, too busy with your own thoughts and problems that you can't answer her. The case is supposed to be your last, and you're trying hard to enjoy it and value the time with your friends, but really you're just waiting for it all to be over. Most of all, you want to pack your things and leave.

You barely noticeably shake your head for Emily to continue, and turn your attention back to your coffee, which must be cold by now, but that doesn't stop you from drinking it down to the last drop. Without saying anything, you get up from your chair to get another one, paying no attention to Emily's annoyed look. As you fill your cup in the precinct kitchen, she stands right next to you.

"You're not being very helpful, Y/N," she says coolly as you take a sip. You know her manner is all pretense, because in reality she's incredibly concerned. She only needs to look at your face once to know what's going on in your head, but she doesn't address it. She knows you'll talk to her when the time is right. But you're not sure that will ever happen. "I've already assigned the tasks. You stay here and work with Spencer to gather all the important information that may be relevant to Penelope's research." The look on your face says it all. You don't want to spend any time with Spencer, and certainly not alone, but Emily gives you no choice. Before you can say anything back, she disappears out the door with the others.

With your coffee, which you now wish had a strong shot of vodka in it, you make your way back into the conference room, where Spencer is bent over the table, passing pictures and notes back and forth. You stop in the doorway and watch him for a brief moment, and only then do you notice the narrow, red scratch on his face that stretches from his cheek to his neck. You squint your eyes. It hadn't been there yesterday after all.

"What happened?“, you ask as casually as you can as you sit down and set your cup down on the table. As Spencer looks at you questioningly, you point to his face. "Looks bad." Indeed it does, though it's just a scratch. There's bloody crust in a few places, contrasting in color with his pale skin. Something really got to him.

"Cut myself shaving“, he replies curtly, glancing again at the pictures in front of him. You haven't seen him in two years, don't actually remember who he is exactly, but you still know when he's lying. And when to stop asking and let it go. When Penelope calls, you discuss some stuff and you see Spencer scratching over the wound until it bleeds, which he doesn't seem to notice, which is why you stall Penelope on the phone and grab his hand as soon as the line goes silent. Astonished, he looks at you before looking at his fingers.

"Come with me“, you say briefly and don't even wait for him to follow you. You approach an officer and ask for a first aid kit, which is immediately made available to you. Spencer follows you uncertainly into one of the washrooms, where you already put on the disposable gloves from the box - you don't want any bacteria to get on the wound - and wet a towel from the towel dispenser. Reluctantly, Spencer leans against one of the sinks, waiting for your instructions.

"Tilt your head to the side a little, please." You take the damp cloth and gently dab along the scratch to remove the dried blood. Spencer has to swallow at the touch and you see his Adam's apple bob, and really it shouldn't be that attractive, unfortunately it is anyway. You have to concentrate because this is the closest you've been to him in years. You breathe in his scent, feel his warmth through your gloves, and can barely stifle a deep breath.

"How do you know how to do that?“, he asks softly as you disinfect the wound, and Spencer has to pull himself together to keep from reacting to the burning from the alcohol.

You look at him briefly before turning your attention back to the scratch. „Experience“, you reply, spreading some wound healing ointment over it before taking off your gloves and disposing of everything in the trash can. You then put the first aid kit back together. As you turn around, Spencer is standing right in front of you.

"You didn't tell me you were having nightmares“, he whispers, and confused, you look at him. There's concern in his gaze, and if you're not mistaken, a little affection too, but you push the thought aside, not letting yourself have hope. Hope has only harmed you lately you have not moved forward a bit.

You look once more at the scratch, and then into his warm eyes. "You didn't cut yourself shaving“, you count one and one together and clench your jaws. He doesn't need to answer. You did this to him, you just don't remember. The reason you didn't wake up is Spencer. He was probably holding you, reassuring you so much that your body turned off its protective mechanism. It had certainly been the last time he did that, and you hadn't been awake to enjoy it.

"Why didn't you tell me about this?“, he asks, wanting to reach for your hand, but you take a step back. You don't want him to touch you. You'd prefer it if you weren't in this situation at all. You'd prefer that you hadn't come back at all. None of this should have ever happened.

"It's none of your business anymore, Spencer." Your tone is cool and something in his face changes.

"I thought we were friends."

You have to suppress a laugh. Two years ago, you could have lived well with being friends with him. You were prepared for it then, wished it on him, and meant it sincerely. Only lately you've been through so much that you can't even imagine it anymore. The two years had been hell, but you are sure that you can't live next to him without being able to be with him. You can't watch him and Max be happy together, and even though his happiness is everything you want, you'd rather he be happy with you. But you can't tell him that, it would be unfair and selfish. So you just look at him.

Then you reach for the small suitcase and push past him towards the exit.

-

You're glad when the case is over and you arrive back at Quantico. It's been a week since you and Spencer spoke, and luckily for you, you've continued to be spared nightmares, for which you're quite grateful. Not that Spencer is going to join you in bed one more time to calm you down.

As you walk from the airfield back to the building, you fall back a bit, watching the team joke and laugh with each other despite their fatigue. Most of all, you'd like to leave right now without saying goodbye. Rip off the band-aid, without anesthesia. Short and painless. But your plan is foiled when Emily suddenly walks up beside you and puts a hand on your arm.

"We're going for a drink." She raises an eyebrow expectantly. Apparently she's waiting for you to decline the invitation, and all too gladly you'd like to meet her expectations, but it's almost certainly the last night you'll see each other, at least for an extended period of time, and short and painless wouldn't be fair to her - your best friend.

You smile at her. "You're paying for the first round."

Her eyes widen in delight, but before she can say anything back, Luke, who has overheard your conversation, interferes. "We're going out for drinks?" A grin spreads across his face, almost reaching his ears, and suddenly the rest of the team pricks up their ears. Luke's gaze is fixed on you. "I bet I can drink you under the table by now, Y/N."

„You can’t“, Matt replies, and you see Rossi smile to himself. "Last time you did that, you almost passed out after four shots."

"JJ got the drinks. Maybe she mixed something in“, Luke tries to defend himself, but the blonde raises her hands.

"I'm not responsible for your kindergarten drinking. But I'd love to see you try to drink Y/N under the table." She smiles at you and winks, and you can't help but grin. It feels good to know that all is well between you and the team, even though they know with a high probability that you won't be staying. You'd understand if they were mad at you, but that doesn't seem to be the case. JJ looks at Spencer, who is being less than forthcoming. "You coming, Spence?"

He risks a quick glance in your direction before adjusting the bag on his shoulder. He knows this will be your last night. And that you won't see each other again after this. "I think I'll sit this one out“, he replies curtly, but JJ nudges him and he gives her a dirty look.

"You can't avoid it, Spence."

You'd rather he'd gone home.

The first drinks are on Emily, as promised, and the ones after that are on Rossi, and it's actually not long before Luke is sitting at the table with a glass of water, wishing he'd slowed down. You grin at him from the dance floor where JJ and you are swinging your hips, and he sticks his tongue out at you before putting his head in his hands and sipping water through the straw in his glass.

JJ reaches for your hand and pulls you close before wrapping her arms around your neck. "I'm going to miss you“, she almost yells so you can hear her over the loud music. You smile weakly at her. There's a glint in her eyes, probably from the alcohol, and only now do you realize how much you're really going to miss her.

"I'm going to miss you too“, you reply, risking a quick glance in Spencer's direction. He's sitting next to Luke, looking completely out of place. You look back to JJ and without further ado, she puts her hands to your cheeks and presses a kiss to your mouth. When she pulls away from you again, she just grins at you. "What was that for?"

"I want you to know that we love you. We all do. Remember that when you're lonely, and call if you need anything. You are and always will be a part of our weird family."

You wait a brief moment before pulling away from her and disappearing into the ladies' room. As soon as the door slams shut, tears stream down your cheeks and you have to hold onto the edge of the sink to keep from breaking down. You were aware of how much the others would miss you, but hearing it from JJ only makes it more real. By leaving, you're not only leaving Spencer behind, but everyone else as well, and that's so selfish of you that bile rises inside you and you almost throw up. You wish you hadn't had those last two drinks.

"Y/N?" You don't have to turn around to know it's Spencer. You recognized his voice and can see him in the mirror above the sink.He's standing behind you, unsure of what exactly to do, which is why he buries his hands in his pants pockets and looks at you silently.

You wipe the smeared mascara from under your eyes before turning and leaning against the basin. "This is the ladies' room, Spencer. You're not supposed to be in here.“

"I'm right where I'm supposed to be“, he replies, but doesn't move from the spot. He watches you brush your hair out of your forehead and wipe at your hot face to get rid of the tears. "You don't have to go. You know that, right?"

You look up from your shoes, straight into his eyes. "Yes, I do."

You want to leave the washroom, but his fingers curl around your arm, holding you back. "Y/N ..."

"I can't stay, Spencer. I can't look at you without knowing that someone other than me is waiting for you at home. I can't watch you be happy without me. It's okay, really. It's just that I don't have the strength to watch it anymore." The words just bubble out of you, and for some reason you can't stop. But it feels good to say it out loud, even though you certainly shouldn't. "I love you, Spencer. I'll always love you. But I'm at the end of my rope." You shrug in exasperation. "I have to think about me. I can only think about me." Spencer's face contorts painfully, but you can't stop. "To think that you're about to go to Max's and do God knows what ..." You shake your head, as if it might drive the thoughts from your mind. "I feel like I - I - I can't breathe. Like I'm going to die. And I just can't take it anymore."

Spencer's hand comes away from your arm at your honesty, but only to grab your hand and pull you against him. You bounce against his chest, wanting to pull away, but he holds you tight and presses you to him with his other hand. Carefully, he places his palm against your cheek and gently strokes your skin with his thumb. "Please, don't go."

You look into his eyes, which have filled with tears. "Why not?"

You can practically see him struggling with himself. He wants to say something, but can't find the right words, so he presses his lips together and lets his forehead sink against yours. All he has to do is say it, and you'd throw all your plans out the window and stick around. Just a few words. But he doesn't say them. "I can't ..."

You take a deep breath before pulling away from him, disappointed. „Goodbye“, you whisper, before leaving him alone in the washroom.

-

Spencer sits uncertainly at the kitchen table, watching the tea bag with lemon balm in the cup in front of him. He doesn't actually like lemon balm, but he needs something to calm his nerves and get the trembling of his hands under control as he sits there searching for the right words.

The last time he had felt this helpless, Emily had just left his apartment and he had been about to make some phone calls. The first call would have been to a man who would have given him a different number. The second phone call would have been to a woman who would have transferred him. And the third number belonged to someone who would have given him what he was only too happy to get.

Many years ago, he had sworn to himself that he would never resort to it again. That he wouldn't need it. He would be stronger than the desire to feel nothing more. The only thing that had stopped him was that you would never wish that for him. That you had helped him then, had stood by him. He didn't want it to be in vain.

Spencer hates feeling so helpless, even though he actually knows exactly what he has to do now. That's why he sits in the kitchen in the middle of the night, cup of calming tea in hand, not daring to look at the woman sitting across from him. But he doesn't need to say anything either. She knows why he was at her door at such a late hour. They sit in silence, neither quite knowing what to do. Neither of them has been in this situation before. Spencer is glad she's the first to speak.

"So that's it." It's more of a statement than a question. Spencer nods silently, whereupon she purses her lips. "Because of her?"

Spencer looks up from his cup and looks directly at Max. Then he shakes his head. "No, not because of her."

She raises an eyebrow. "But what? Don't you dare give me that 'it's not you, it's me' tour. I've heard that one before."

Spencer has to think for a moment, find the right words, before he answers. "I've lost her so many times. I wouldn't survive it another time."

The two have known each other long enough. Max knows he's not exaggerating or meaning it metaphorically. He has told her about his addiction, and she had been very grateful at the time that he was so honest with her, even though they hadn't known each other long. Spencer knows that all of this is not healthy and psychologically quite far from reasonable and Maxine knows what she has gotten herself into. But no one could have guessed that it would end this way.

"I'm sorry." Spencer's voice sounds hoarse and raspy. He stands up and makes his way toward the apartment door.

"I hope you make it." There's so much honesty in her voice that Spencer has to smile sadly over his shoulder.Maxine doesn't deserve this. None of you deserve this.

The walk to Emily's apartment is short, but to Spencer it feels like an eternity. The train is late, which is why he actually starts running, afraid of missing his chance. He runs until his lungs are burning and his bag is banging painfully against his ribs.The few people left on the streets look at him askance, but he doesn't care. He's panting, barely getting his breath and wishing he was a little more athletic, but as he sprints around the next corner he can already see the building where Emily's apartment is located.

For a brief moment he considers taking a break, catching his breath, but he can't wait another second. Hopefully he's not too late.

He's not surprised that he can just walk into the building, even though he doesn't have a key. He sprints up the stairs, and runs down the hallways until he's gasping for breath and standing in front of the right door, his head high. He bangs on the door with a clenched fist, hoping it will open and he won't be too late. He can't be late. He can't be late.

Finally, the door opens, and for the first time in years, he can take a real breath.

"Y/N."

- taglist closed -

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[johnsamericano]

𝓓𝓪𝔂 10:

кιм נυиgωσσ

23 days of NCT masterlist.

taglist: @notbeforelong @silent-potato @whathamelon @unknown5tar @ajhdr @mrcarbonatedmilk @curieouscapt

warnings: unprotected sex (reader’s on the pill), y/n is kinda odd but in a good way, thigh riding (? Sort of.

“Please, Yuta. I need you.” You pleaded, falling onto your knees as you held onto his hand.

“Stop, people are watching.” He pulled you up, slightly vowing to the students staring at the little scene. “I’ve already told you I’m too busy with my own projects.”

“Yuta.” You whined, feeling like you were running out of options.

“I have a couple friends that might be willing to help you, but I can’t promise anything.”

As expected, all of them rejected you. Everyone was too caught up with their own work to care about yours. But one magnificent day, you found your muse. You met him at the cafeteria, he was simply eating pizza, yet he looked like a model.

He pretended not to acknowledge your piercing gaze, but as you started walking to his table he couldn't help but blush, playing anxiously with the pages of his textbook. Why was the goddess of the art department walking towards him?

“Hi, I'm y/n.” You casually sat in front of him, extending your hand towards him as if this wasn't the first time you'd seen him.

“I’m Jungwoo.” He was literally the epitome of cuteness, his pretty cheeks tinted pink and his brown locks casting shadows over his forehead.

“What’s your major?” You rested your chin over your palms, eyeing the book on the table.

“Mechanical engineering.” He surely didn't look like an engineer, but that sort of made him even more attractive.

“That's cool. So listen- wait, before that, can I grab a French fry? I'm starving.” He nodded, his eyebrows knitted together. “Thank you.”

You chewed on the savory fry, moaning at the flavor.

“So, what were you saying?”

“Oh, right!” You cleared your throat. “So for my final project, I have to paint a human portrait, but it turns out, none of my shitty friends wants to help me.” He couldn't help the small laugh escaping his lips. “Unbelievable, right? So I had no other choice but to hunt down the perfect muse by myself. I was about to give up just when I saw you, sitting here all by yourself like some mysterious rom-com guy.”

“Do you want me to be your muse?”

“Well since you're offering, I'd be more than happy to paint you.” He was about to object, but you resumed your nonstop chatting. “Of course, I’d pay for your time, not too much though, my part-time job doesn't pay that well.”

And that's pretty much how he ended up meeting you every Tuesday, sitting for two hours straight while you painted his gorgeous face. The mood was always cheerful with you around, always making small talk and provoking some smiles from him. He got to know you better during the month you spent together. Jungwoo realized you were the most authentic person he'd ever met, maybe that's why everyone on campus was so enamored by you. On the other hand, he was nothing like the shy boy you first met at the cafeteria. He was so bright, his laugh so pretty that it made you want to hear it every day.

“This is our last session.” You announced as soon as your canvas was fixed in place. “Time goes by so quickly, don't you think?”

“Yeah, sure.” You noticed the saddened expression on his face.

“What’s wrong, woo?” He loved the nickname you decided to give him on your first session, it made him feel closer to you.

“It’s just a pity that we won't get to see each other as often anymore.”

“Who says we won't?” You started moving the paintbrush over the canvas, adding the final details to your portrait.

“You still wanna hang out with me?”

“Of course I do! You're finally opening up to me, I won't risk losing the progress we've made.” His heart felt like it’d escape his chest any minute.

“I thought you were just using me for your project.” You gasped, approaching his seating place with the paintbrush still between your fingers.

“How dare you, Kim Jungwoo?” There was a dramatic pause before you painted the tip of his nose.

“You didn't.” You wiggled your eyebrows, running away from him as he stood up. “Get back here!”

“Stop!” You threatened him with your brush, back pressed against the wall. “I won't hesitate to paint you again.”

“Scary.” His chest was touching yours, faces barely centimeters away.

“Where’s the shy Jungwoo I met?”

“I don't know what you're talking about.” His knee positioned between your legs, pushing against your core. “What is it with that face?”

“Have you been deceiving me from the beginning?” You tiptoed, trying to hold back the small whine threatening to fall from your lips.

“No.” He raised his knee, this time, the imminent whine managing to get past your mouth. “I really was shy around you, but you're so easy to be with. I feel like I can be myself when I'm with you.”

“By yourself, you mean your horny self?” He started moving his limb back and forth, making sure to apply pressure on the right spot.

“I wasn't planning to do this, I didn't even know you wanted to see me after your project was done.” His finger pads danced over your neck, causing goosebumps over the sensitive skin.

“Well, then, are you gonna kiss me or should I take The first step?” He giggled before attaching his mouth to yours, a variety of new sensations growing at the bottom of your stomach. “God, I wish my project would've been related to nude portraits.”

“I would've definitely called the cops if you had asked me to be your nude model.”

“Mean.” Your face inched closer to his lips once again, slightly biting into his skin.

“Are you alright with this?” He lightened up the pressure on your heat, making sure you were both on the same page.

“Yes. But I don't know about making love in a classroom, though.”

“Making love?”

“I don't like the way ‘fucking’ sounds.” He chuckled. “Would you rather have me calling it sexual intercourse?”

“Stop talking before my dick gets soft.”

He lifted you with ease, sitting on the stool you usually used with you on his lap. His hands rubbed the sides of your thighs affectionately, slowly lifting the fabric of your purple dress to reveal your panties. He wasted no time on moving them to the side, quickly using his digits to make sure you were wet enough.

You helped him undo his jeans, clumsy hands struggling to get the zipper down.

“Allow me.”

“Be gentle, alright?” You placed your hands behind his head, toying with his brown locks as he aligned himself with you. He nodded. “I need verbal confirmation, woo.”

“I promise to be gentle, y/n.” You felt his tip prodding at your small hole, bracing yourself for the imminent pain. “Look at me.”

He started sliding inside you, your fingers accidentally tugging his hair. He didn't complain, though, too immersed in your face to even notice. You glanced at him, noticing how handsome he was from up close. His eyes looked like they carried the stars- no, the whole universe, you'd definitely have to paint them one day.

“Can I move?” You nodded, holding back the smile creeping up your lips as he started thrusting upwards. “Not even in my wildest dreams would I have imagined we'd end up like this.”

“Well, I'm glad you accepted to be my model.” You let out an open-mouthed moan, his dick hitting your G-spot.

“Pill?” You nodded, letting him do all the hard work while you enjoyed yourself. “Pretty.” He kissed your throat, holding your glutes to push himself further into you.

There were no words needed to know you were both incredibly close to release, just a few more thrusts had your pussy pulsating around him, his warm cum coating your walls.

“This is the best love-making session I've ever had.” You let your body fall against his, causing him to lose balance and almost fall down. “Sorry.”

“Well, we can always repeat this. Maybe I can actually be your nude model for your next masterpiece.”

“Who is this guy?” He chuckled, the corner of his eyes picking the image of the recently painted portrait. “Don’t look!”

But he was already admiring the product of your hard work, and it was amazing, to say the least. It was a picture of him smiling, sunlight coming in through the large window panel beside him and directly hitting his face.

“If you don't get an A, I'll write a complaint.”

“I like your way of thinking. I'm getting the feeling that you and I will be a power couple, only if you want that too, of course.”

“Let’s go out for dinner and I'll think about it.”

[boxofbadaddiction]

All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You

Song Inspired

Fred Weasley x Reader

George Weasley x Reader (Platonic)

Warnings: Sexual References. Swearing. War. Angst with a happy ending.

War was fast approaching. People were running scared, others disappearing at random. Everyone was on edge and looking for something, anything, to bring comfort. Something to distract themselves, even if only for a moment, from the horror of their reality.

For [Y/N] and Fred, that comfort was found in one another.

The night before the battle saw members of the Order organising, coming together to discuss possible strategies in the fight to come. Following a particularly gut wrenching speech from Lupin about "preparing for the inevitable", which everyone knew from the look of his eyes he meant the unavoidable deaths that will occur, the room fell silent.

Fred and [Y/N] turned their attention to one another as if in slow motion. Frightened and teary-eyed expressions mirrored by the other. It was the first time she had ever seen him so vulnerable. As members began to disperse Fred reached his hand out for her to take. Not a word was spoken as the two ascended the staircase of the home currently being used as Headquarters for the Order, finding refuge in a room Fred had occupied for the past three nights.

Releasing her grip on his hand [Y/N] entered the dimly lit space first as Fred closed the door gently behind him, leaning his weight back against it. He watched her as she turned back to meet his gaze.

[Y/N]s chest began to rise and fall as panicked breaths took over, shoulders shuddering as tears pooled in the corner of her eyes. Appearing as the embodiment of sorrow itself. Freds head fell to the side sadly as a defeated breath escaped his throat. Heart aching at the sight.

In an instant the two were closing the space between them, lips crashing in a frantic kiss. His hands came to the nape of her neck and hers bunched in the fabric of his shirts collar.

Tongues entwining hungrily as their hands began to roam the others body, discarding various articles of clothing in their wake.

Slowly stepping backwards [Y/N] began blindly leading them towards the bed, stopping momentarily to kick away their pants that'd slung around their ankles.

Fred seized the moment to take control, lifting [Y/N] with a firm grip to her ass from the ground. Her legs immediately wrapping around his waist and arms wrapping around his neck. Fred collapsed the pair onto the bed hovering mere millimetres above her as they proceeded to rid the other of their final items of clothing.

Freds mouth traced her entire body as if mapping her every detail with his lips.

Their bodies entwined and writhed together in perfect sync. Soft moans, gasping breaths and declarations of love filled the thick air. They cherished every movement, every taste and sound shared by the other as if they had an eternity to do so. Though it very well felt like nothing more than borrowed time.

That night suddenly seemed like a lifetime ago as [Y/N] stood pale and cold before the gathered Weasley family who mourned the loss of their son, brother and best friend. Whilst she denied the fate of her lover laid before her.

Soft gasps and declarations of her lost love were the only sounds to peirce the thick polluted air as she crumpled in front of his body. Tears pouring from her eyes at the sight.

The moment replayed in her mind every second of her days. His lifeless form plaguing more than just her dreams. It plagued her entire existence. It was too much to bare. Not knowing where to turn next [Y/N] responded in the only way she could think to.

She ran.

There was nothing left for her there. Nothing but heartache and pain and the tormenting memory of what had once been. She left for her home country, with no intention of ever returning.

But fate had other ideas.

11 years later found [Y/N] wandering the streets of Diagon Alley. It was just as it always had been, before the war. Shops bustling with the life of families searching for their various books and essentials for the beginning of a new school year. She were delighted to see so many of the original stores that were destroyed during the second war restored to their former grandeur. As she strolled through the crowed street gazing through the display windows, she was brought back to her old days. Back to all those school years when she'd come to collect her books and supplies. Mind running with itself through the many memories of her youth blissfully unaware of the busy bodies of people around.

Until...

"[Y/N]?!" a tall redheaded man barrelled through the street towards her.

"George?!" She found herself suddenly wrapped tight within his arms, it felt just like it always had. It felt warm and safe. Like being home. [Y/N] hadn't seen him since the war. She hadn't seen anyone. Right now she were struggling to see reason why, well more how, she'd stayed away. God, had she always missed him this badly?

"What are you doing here?" [Y/N] asked, finally breaking the hug though somewhat reluctantly.

"Well, the shop's back up and running so I'm living down the street again. It's my day off though so I'm out scoping for new ideas." He said smiling. "But what about you? I haven't seen you in years now suddenly you're here, what gives [Y/L/N]?" He playfully pushed her shoulder.

"I'm shopping. No better place to after all" the girl winked.

Laughing he kept looking at her like she'd come back from the dead. Though given the way she had disappeared after the Battle I guess to him it was like she had.

"Merlin, there's so many questions on my mind right now. Just...oh God, how have you been? Where Have you been!?" His eyes were searching her face. For what, she didn't know.

"Oh ah...well I mean, I've been okay. I moved back home after...everything." her expression was solem at the memory of the war. His, sympathetic and understanding.

"Ya know" he took a step closer to his old friend "last I checked that 'home' you always talked about was in a different bloody country! So you obviously aren't here just 'shopping'." She was unable to control the blush which spread across her features, brought on by the mischief he had painted over his face, trying to goad the truth from her. She bit her lip trying to hold back a smile. Damn that Weasley charm!

"So, come on, don't keep me hanging here. What have you been up to?"

"Well actually I ah..."

"MUM!"

Both turned in the direction of the call from a young boy, one with incredible [Y/E/C] eyes and firey red hair.

"MUM! did you see they have the new Windbreak on display in Quality Quidditch Supplies!?"

"No, I didn't sweety" she could feel Georges eyes on the both of them but was too scared to face him. Knowing the question that was going to be on his face when she did.

"Can I go to the Magical Menagerie now to pick my Owl?"

"Of course. I'll meet you there shortly, be safe."

The boy hurried off through the busy crowd once more. Disappearing from sight.

[Y/N] turned slowly back to see George staring after her son. Mouth agape, twitching slightly as he tries to find the words to say something. Anything. It can't be? He looked so much like...surely that's not...

"George?" She asked tentatively reaching slowly to touch his arm.

He shook his head trying to break free of his trance.

"So you're ah...you're a mother. Wow that's...how old is he?" He turned his gaze to hers.

Heart beating fast in her chest a tightness formed in her throat.

Offering a weak smile as her eyes start to turn red she replied, "He'll be 11 in a few short months. He just received his Hogwarts letter."

"Wow that's..." the pieces were falling into place behind his eyes as he looks back to where the young boy had ran off. "11?" He turns back to the mother, disbelief and a little anger evident all through his expression.

"George..." she took a step toward him but he moved away from the touch.

"[Y/N], tell me he's not..."

Tears were filling her eyes now as she noticed his had begun to turn just as red. Fighting back tears. He knows the answer, aside from the eyes, he was the spitting image of his father. Of himself. But he still needs to ask.

"He is, George." Tears finally spilling over and rolling down her cheek she watched him, chest aching at the confession.

"11 years and you never thought to tell us? You never thought I'd...that'd we'd...for Merlin's sake, [Y/N]! He's.." over come with emotion George's breathing had become rapid. He's angry and panicking he keeps looking between her and where the boy ran to. He's crying, running his hands frantically through his hair as he desperately tries to make some sense of this situation. 11 years. For 11 years he's had a nephew. For 11 years she hid the truth from his family. For 11 years she hid the last remaining part of Fred from them. From him. How can he begin to process this?

"George, please, I'm so sorry I didn't...I couldn't..." she were clinging to any excuse that rushed through her head. Fighting for a reason good enough to justify the decision not to tell anyone, but she couldn't. She knew she was wrong, and now could see just how badly, it was all over George. In his tears and the whites of his knuckles and the emotion fighting on his breath. She'd never even been able to convince herself after more than a decade of arguing between heart and mind. So how could she possibly convince him now?

"I'm sorry, I panicked! I thought it was the right thing at the time!" Not a lie, but definitely not a good enough defence.

"The war was over, Fred was gone and I found out I was pregnant only a week later. What was I supposed to do!?"

"You were supposed to trust us!" George was nothing but angry now. He was looking at her with such rage in his eyes it terrified her. He began shouting as he approached. [Y/N] was shaking and walking backwards.

"You were supposed to know that we're family! We always had been, even before you had his baby. We would have helped you. Cared for you. Cared for him! I mean for Gods sake [Y/N] he's the only piece of Fred left on this fucking planet and you hid him from us!"

"George please, I'm so sorry just...just please stop yelling." Her hands were out in defence as she gazed over to the group of passers by whom had stopped to view the scene currently unfolding before them. People were watching, silently asking if she needed help. He looked around, realising he needed to calm himself. She grabbed his hand as he looked away, trying to control his breathing. She'd never seen George so upset. He was usually the most understanding and level-headed of the pair. This side of him scared her, and she hated herself for bringing it out from him.

"Hey..." she spoke, barely in a whisper, reaching to stroke the arm of his hand which she were holding.

"What's his name" George interrupted, still not daring to look to her.

She smiled softly.

"His name's Marcos. From-"

"Your uncle." George nodded. "The one who raised you. I remember him." A strain was evident in his voice as he tried to move the conversation forward without losing his temper.

"He has a middle name." [Y/N] blurted out. "He ah...he has a middle name."

He finally looked down at her. His mouth clamped so tight it was a thin line. "Mmhmm. Yeah, alright. What is it?"

"It's George." She smiled at him. "It was Fred's idea. He used to joke about us getting married and growing old. Whenever he spoke about children there was one name that always came back to him. He said he wanted to name one after you..." he was crying again, head bowed while silent sad laughter shook through his shoulders. She moved to stand infront of him. One hand gently stroking the side of his cheek as his hands traced circles on her arms. "He said it'd drive your Mum mad, having two of you around the house, and thought that was exactly the way it should be." He laughed and they embraced each other, Georges head resting against the crook of her neck.

"I'm so sorry George. I should never have kept any of this from you. From your family."

"Our family" he corrected. "You're apart of us too. Just like he is." He finished standing straight once again but never letting go completely.

"I promise I'll tell everyone. I'll do it tomorrow. I should never have kept him from you. Nor you from him. I was stupid to think I was alone in this. I know you're all what's best for him. And I'm going to mend my mistake. I don't expect anyone to greet me with open arms. And I know this will take time to win you all back, but it's the right thing to do."

George was looking with nothing but cherish in his eyes. He was devastated yes, to say the least. But he had to look past that now. He had his best friend back, and what's more, he has a nephew! He is an Uncle! And he had 11 years worth of pranks and mischief to make up for, he wasn't about to waste a second.

"Can I meet him" he asked, trying not to sound as eager as he was feeling.

"Of course."

"The menagerie wasn't it? He was going to?" He said as they began walking.

"Oh, yes but there's not a chance in the world that's where he's gone." She smiled knowingly. George furrowed his brows at the comment. [Y/N] led him on through the crowds in Diagon Alley. Past the Broom store, past Olivanders, past the Magical Menagerie. All the way down to the bright and lively store of number 93, Weasley Wizard Wheezes. George began to laugh.

"You're not serious?"

"It's safe to say he has inherited his Father, and Uncles talent for mischief." She winked opening the door.

The store was crowded, but she knew him better than anyone and knew exactly where he'd be.

"Your store is his favourite you know?"

George smiled trying to see over the crowd of people within the store to catch a glimpse of him.

"His favourite section..." she pointed over her shoulder with a grin. "...fireworks." grasping his hand and pulling George along behind her.

True to form, that's exactly where he was. Startled by his Mothers sudden appearance, and the stern smiling expression on her face the boy hid two boxes, of what no doubt were the biggest and most uncontanable fireworks the Twins had created, behind his back feigning innocence.

"Oh! Mum! I ahhhh...I'm glad you found me, you see I couldn't seem to find the menagerie and I got a bit lost amongst all the people so I ahhh...i just sort of ducked in here to ummm"

"Save it, Marcos." She raised her hand and chuckled. George was beaming, he was just like Fred, although hadn't quiet perfected his lying ability yet. At the moment it was about as strong as his mothers...aka patheticly weak.

[Y/N] crouched down in front of him and Marcos let his hands fall by his sides as he bowed his head in defeat "I'm done for aren't I?"

"Not this time", Marcos head rocketed up to stare awestruck into her eyes. Surely he hadn't heard that properly?

"Marc, I'd like to introduce you to someone...the man I was talking to earlier."

The boy looked up behind his mother and his eye's widened. "You're the owner of the store! I hadn't realised before not with...you know, you not being near that giant bust of yours out front..." George laughed. "But Mum...how ever do you know him!?" He was near shaking with excitement as he stared back at his mother.

"Well sweety, there's-" she was interrupted as a small group of people entered the firework section.

"Perhaps you'd like to do this upstairs [Y/N], away from interruptions that is" George whispered in her ear. "We can use the flat" he said standing back against the wall he'd leaned on when they'd entered.

"Yes that would be best I think. Come on Marc, just follow George alright." Marcos was becoming increasingly worrisome. This whole scene screamed seriousness. Something he didn't care for at all, he much preferred to stay joking and happy. Another trait he'd unknowingly inherited from his Father.

They climbed the winding stairs of the Twins store into the flat where George shut the door behind them.

"Make yourself comfortable" he ushered towards the couch. "Anything to drink?" "No thank you, George" "how bout for you little man?" "Can I have a fire whiskey?" George laughed as [Y/N] looked sternly at her son. "Nevermind. I'm all good." He slouched down into the couch cushions.

Resuming her position from earlier the Mother kneeled before her son, and grasped his hands in hers whilst George stood awkwardly with his hands in his pockets behind them. Head hung slightly.

"As I was saying, there's something I've needed to tell you. Something I should never have kept from you in the first place and it's time you knew." She took a deep breath. "George here well...we went to school together. We were very close."

"Well, what happened?" Marcos asked confusedly. "You hardly ever mention your school days." "I know. And you see...you remember the story I told you when you asked about your Father, Marc?" George became suddenly more alert, he hadn't thought about what she had told him during all of this...he sat on a neighbouring armchair, listening intently.

"You told me he died in the War, as a hero. Saving people." George felt his eyes sting with fresh tears but fought to control himself.

"That's right, honey, and it's true. Your Daddy died a very brave, strong, man. He helped save so many people."

"So what's this got to do with me meeting George?" He asked.

"Well...George here was your Daddy's brother. His twin."

"Really!?" Marcos asked excitedly. "I have an uncle?" He smiled at George.

"Well, more than one." George smirked with a raised brow.

"There's more?" Marcos was on the edge of his seat now "how many more?"

"At least 5." "Woah!" "You also have 3 aunts" George added. "Why haven't I met them? Can we go now!?" Marcos stood enthusiastically looking between the two adults. He was truly a fearless young man. That which his Mother adored.

"Uh no, not right now Marc but I'm hoping" she glanced at George, "sometime this week." "Definitely." He smiled. "So you're what my dad looked like? Mum doesn't have any photos, they were all burned in a house fire." "Well, pretty much, minus an ear of course." He said pointing to his wound.

"Wicked!" He smiled "how'd it happen!?" Marcos was cross legged on Georges coffee table sitting eagerly infront of his newly discovered Uncle. "Marc, that's rude, you can't just ask -" "it's okay, [Y/N]. Really. And I'll be happy to tell you. Everything." George was leaning in nearly as excited as his nephew. "Can you tell me all about Dad?" He asked with a cautious expression. "Like I'd leave him out" he scowled jokingly. [Y/N] had tears in her eyes. Seeing them so happy she couldn't believe that after the War she ran. How could one keep George from him?

Distracted by her own thoughts she hadn't realised her son was patiently waiting an answer to a question he'd asked. "Sorry?" "I said, can I stay with Uncle George tonight?" "Oh..." she looked at George who had the same pleading expression on his face as her son. "Only if it's okay with-" "of course it is!" George stood with a clap of his hands. Marcos was beaming once more at his uncle. "Well then I guess it's okay." The boys high fived excitedly and began to celebrate "BUT!" "here it comes" Marcos rolled his eyes and dropped his head. George looked between the pair slightly confused but ultimately he could guess what was coming.

"I want you on your BEST! behaviour. No mischief!" She scolded "I promise" Marcos pleaded. "See he promises" George wrapped an arm around Marc's shoulders as they both smiled. "The both of you!" She added "...oh." Georges mouth formed a thin line as he looked at [Y/N]. There goes 80% of his plans for the night. Although what she doesn't know wont really hurt her he thought with a smile.

After a while more talking, exchanging stories with George from school and hearing him talk about his newest inventions, as well as answering all questions Marcos had, [Y/N] had decided it was time to let the boys have their night together. Saying goodbye at the door she began yet another warning, having knew these boys too well. "And I mean it you two! Absolutely no! Mischief!" George put a hand on his heart and the other rested on Marcos back. "I solemnly swear" he winked.

Laughing she gave the boys a final hug and began desending the stores stairs when her ears were met with the sound of her sons celebratory cheers and the slap of a high five. Smiling she kept walking till met with the emptiness of Diagon Alley where only few people remained as stores were closing. Casting a loving look to the top window of number 93 she smiled. Everything was going to be okay. She stood contemplating for a moment when the unmistakable flash of fireworks issued from the window and her expression deadpanned. Hadn't been gone 5 minutes. She rolled her eyes. "It's harmless fun" she told herself, going to turn and continue on her way home when the sudden sound of glass breaking and sparks flying pulled her attention back to the top floor window which was now shattered as a firework whizzed down the dark street.

"Awesome!" Came her sons voice in celebration. "MARCOS! GEORGE!" She bellowed. Their heads poked immediately out from the window. [Y/N] threw her arms out wide, brows raised, silently asking the question...

The boys responded in sync "sorrrry Muuumm" "Sorrrry [Y/N/N]" rolling her eyes as she walked off, the firework still in view she laughed to herself.

"We're doomed."

Part II>>

[husbandhoshi]

🐿 i blinked and it had been more than a month since i wrote you 😭. It is now 35 days until my big move back it’s been so stressful and my mental, as my kids say, has been trash.

It’s hard to say what i like to do in korea vs back home because i’m really truly someone who prefers to just spend time with people no matter what we do. Also covid made it really hard to do a lot of things the last 2 years, but i really love going to restaurants and vibing.

I hope your finals went well, my work and moving has been crazy i have barely checked on any blogs, i got a lot of catching up to do.

-🐿

ah no worries!! you must have been incredibly busy and so i totally get it <3 i've definitely been online a lot less lately because of all of stuff i have going on too :)

im sorry to hear things have been stressful! hopefully things begin to settle down a bit as you get acclimated back to ur new place! i hope that you're finding time to take care of yourself because it must be so hard getting used to living in a different country. have you hung out with anyone recently? done anything fun with family or friends? im sure it must be hard to find time to do that with moving and all but i hope you have some fun plans coming up to alleviate some of that stress :) and going to restaurants and vibing sounds so fun! one of my favorite things to do is go to a new restaurant, bring a book, and just enjoy a meal by myself :) or bring a friend!

literally NO RUSH to catch up on my blog. i post so damn much you really shouldn't look any further than the masterlist (which is updated now!) <3 as for my life updates i've really just been going out a lot, parties, etc trying to live it up before i graduate! got sick this past week and have been out for a bit but i'm feeling much better now :)

[acdeaky]

lovin’ you, hatin’ you, wantin’ you

warning: fluff, angst

note: happy 800 @versdan ! not me (creating two storylines for one idea and only writing the one with the happy ending bc i’m a sucker for love), wrong bitch. i’m so so incredibly sorry for not posting for like a month! i've been busy with work and i’ve really missed writing, so i’m hoping i can do a bit more (at some point) and get more work out for you guys to read :))

word count: 1.9k

THEN

the field was soft and light that morning. the wheat had barely begun to grow and only touched your mid-calf, but it still itches whenever you passed it. the oranges and yellows in the sky made the mornings better. the fresh, crisp air of the open space made the mornings better. gwilym made the mornings better.

and he was there, just a few feet in front of you, guiding you through the wheat field, making a path for you. often, he glanced back, watching as you trudged and trekked over the terrain.

this morning, specifically, it was tough. the lack of a downpour in the late spring weather had caused warm nights and dry days, even drier mud which you almost tripped over everyday. the passage through the field was just a small consequence of having the best view of the mornings, and gwil; you’d keep him with you wherever you went.

the lake was already glistening when you made it to the opening. like always, gwil waited for you before stepping over the hill, offering you his hand - which you gladly accepted - for support. your other hand wrapped around his bicep as you made your way up and over the hill, finding your nestling spot easily enough after so many times.

and the sky was orange, and yellow, and all shades of happiness that you could think of. it reflected off of the lake and across the scenery, covering the trees and grass with colour.

without his knowledge, you always snuck a glance at gwilym. his light brown hair always fluttered in the wind, making what was usually a neat look, a disheveled one.

the sun looked good on him in the morning.

after years of seeing him like this, after coming to this spot almost every weekend of every year for ten years, it never got old; he only seemed to get better every year.

NOW

it was raining. a typical instance for london in the autumn. your usual outing on a friday night was hastly changed to a night in at yours. as always, gwilym brought the food and you the drinks. after he arrived, drenched down to the bone in water, his coat was hung up to dry, his sweater was changed into one that was permenantly at yours and both of you were settled on the sofa.

an age old film was playing in the background as you ate and later cleared away from dinner. it wasn’t long before boxes were thrown away and your places were taken on the sofa. gwil’s back was pressed against the back of the sofa, with your body tucked into his side as one of his hands idly drew patterns on your skin.

as the night grew older, you changed and went through a few episodes of a joint-favourite tv show and your eyes slowly began to close, leaving you asleep on gwil’s shoulder. almost your entire body was cradled into his side, your body turning subconsciously in your sleep to the welcoming warmth of him.

the next morning, you found yourself in your bed sheets, tucked up and away from the patter of rain from outside. it seemed the storm barely let up, keeping the weather steady throughout the night. only a few inches beside you, gwil was still in his slumber, the steady rise and fall of his body telling you he wouldn’t be awake for a while.

the urge to stay next to his warmth was strong, but you wouldn’t allow yourself to do that; it would be too much to add to a definition. a definition of your relationship that was most definitely not, but also was most definitely, defined.

so, instead, you pulled yourself away from what could be - once again - and began brewing some coffee and making breakfast, something completely undefinable.

THEN

the late summer evenings were always your favourite. it could be nine o’clock, but the sun would still be hovering in the sky, painting it with the most gorgeous shades of pink and yellow as the heat of the day had settled and remained, requiring only a thin hoodie to shield yourself from the natural coolness of the night air.

it was only yourself and gwil out at the moment, the others having retreated back into the house to either sleep or grab a drink. neither of you had realised that you were alone, only being interested in each other and your conversation at the time.

gwil was sat straight on the long sofa, his knees knocking into yours often as he swung his legs side to side. you were sat curled up, your body facing gwil and the others - being on the end allowed that - with your knees only ever centimetres away from him.

throughout the night, even before your friends began to leave, you two only seemed interested in each other, having little giggles and whispers to one another while the others conversed together.

during the few days you’d been away for the last couple of weeks of the summer before returning to university, your friends had placed bets on when something - anything - would happen between you and gwil. they kept it hidden, not letting anything slip of what they were up to.

nothing happened, though. you spent the rest of your time away as friends, having your little moments together several times a day.

it wasn’t until the sun had completely set and the pinks and yellows had faded into blues and blacks, with hints of purple, that you and gwil retreated back inside. the fire was left to burn out and the mess of the evening was left until morning.

NOW

with typical london weather, it was pouring. the storm had been growing slowly over the past hour or so and now showed no signs of stopping. the weather had perfectly captured your mood over the past few days; the consequence of ignoring gwilym in turn of sparing your own feelings.

but that would end soon. he was outside your door, his face flushed and cheeks warm, a coat, matching gloves and scarf, haphazardly thrown on, his knuckles rapping at the door. it pulled you from yourself, the TV’s job at drowning out the world with white noise had failed.

you barley even registered that he said your name. it came as a sweet whisper, not even making its way to you, rather past you, and through into your apartment. uninvited, which he was. you had thought the minimal messages and short responses had told him what you wanted to say. but he was here and he was-

“can i come in?” he asked, taking your blank expression and the ignoring of his first word as your continued ignoring of him. you could only nod, moving to the side a little to allow him room to get through the door, closing and locking it quickly after.

gwil had begun to pull of his gloves and scarf, his coat drenched in water. he left it over the back of one of your chairs, hoping by the time he left it would be drier, whenever that may be.

you watched as his methodically made himself comfortable, as he had done many times before. except, this time, he didn’t pour himself and drink or take his usual seat, he remained standing, his body stiff and hostile.

who to speak first, you thought. there were the differences; gwil had arrived at your apartment, but you had been disregarding his presence for the last few days, so it was debatable. and yet, it seemed gwil was in no mood to speak first, so you had too.

“gwil-”

“no,” he started, “please don’t start this bullshit on not being ready to talk, because at this rate i’ll be dead before you finally tell me anything.”

sparing your feelings meant ignoring gwil in hopes of forgetting how to love him so you could be friends again. but, in the short time, the distance had made you feel deeply for him. the disappearance of him during your daily, and weekly, activities you do together was noticeable and you really didn’t want to leave it any longer.

but you also didn’t want to be left heartbroken. so you did what you did, and now, you regret the very idea of it.

“i just don’t know how i’m feeling, okay?” you felt small. even in your house, his presence was so large, so overbearing, you felt like you didn’t belong, like you were the intruder.

there had been many times where you tried. it had been something unspoken between you two for years and you wished, with your entire heart and soul, that you could just finish being the coward and own up to how you feel. yet, your heart refused to work, refused to be compatible with your head and pushed the only person you’ve truly loved.

gwil sighed, hearing those words for what could have been the hundredth time; he’d lost count. but he refused to get angry, refused to be hurt and upset over something you can barely help. “just,,, let me know so I can stop second guessing whatever is going on between us, okay?”

it was soft, not at all what you thought it to be. paired with the way you can only imagine he’s feeling, that should have been a lot harsher, more strident. but that wasn’t gwil, and that wasn’t the way he was with you.

the next few minutes consisted of harsh glares, glancing away and silence which could be cut with a knife. it wasn’t pleasant. yet, you could think of nothing to say.

pained and desperate to end this, you crossed the space between you, so that you stood in front of him, trying to get him to see that you don’t want an argument. your feelings for him are here and there, but most certainly, there. you’d rather keep gwilym than let him go, as pitiful as it sounds. the preference of keeping him in the knowledge that he feels for you like you do him is too strong to let him go as a result of your childish exploits.

so you tell him, more show him. you’ve never felt your touch to be so soft before you held his face, cupping his cheeks into the palm of your hands while your thumbs lightly stroked the outgrown beard that littered his face. gwil hadn’t even registered your touch, thinking it was his imagination and that you hadn’t, after the days previous, just touched his with such softness and kindness.

but you had, and you leaned up towards him, his height being an extreme disadvantage in instigating a kiss. yet, you reached, allowing your lips to rest a top of his with the upmost gentleness.

you felt twelve again, running through the fields in the early morning, your hand barely touching gwil’s as his wide stride took him further away from you. you felt like you were back at that lake, the early morning sun causing the ripples to glisten as the soft pinks and purples kisses the scenery around you.

you felt nineteen again, sat among friends as you laughed together, your body being only inches from gwilym’s, so close that you could feel the rise and fall of his delicate breaths, and his knees as they knocked into your own. you felt the warmth of him and the fire and the remainder of the sun, setting, leaving the world once again with a reminder of purples and blues.

you felt whole and where you were supposed to be.

TAGLIST: @shes-over-bored @i-barely-go-on-online​ @sohoneyspreadyourwings @brian-maybe-not @deakysbabybooty​ @1001-yellow-daffodils​ @retromusicsalad @hardcoredisneynerd @painkiller80​ @goldhoran @scarecrowmax​ @mebeatlized @seesiderendezvous @alright-mrfahrenheit @someone-get-a-medic @miamideacon @chlobo6 @teenagepeterpan @spacedustmazzello @deakysgurl @forever-rogue @xcdelilahxc @keepsdrawings​ @igotsuckedintothevoid @kill4hqueen​ @supersonicfreddie @laedymoon​ @inthedayswhenlandswerefew​ @warriorteam1924 @painandpleasure86 @boomerangbassist @mamaskillerqueen​ @bhxrdy

[carolyncaves]

Hey op, I was wondering if you could give me some advice? High school senior here and I have no idea what to do with my life. Is accounting really as painfully boring as it's reputed to be? I'm a perfectionist and a good student and I feel like that might be helpful, but I've also nearly fallen asleep many times in math class. (I'm more a science and humanities person.) Is accounting actually as tedious and unfulfilling as people say? Do you like your job? Do you have any career advice??

Oh, no, advice ...

I've been sitting on this because I wanted to do your ask justice, and then it ended up extremely long - I'm apparently constitutionally incapable of giving advice without giving all the advice, just to be thorough. I started with my impressions of the accounting field and why I went into it (in case any of that resonates with you either way) and made it all the way to a probably-too-abstract meditation/ramble on careers, work, and purpose. Since I'm just a dumb 27 year old who is not entirely successful (yet) in any area of my life, you should maybe (definitely) take everything below with a grain of salt. But here are some things I think I've learned:

I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life either. I went to an engineering high school, but decided it wasn't for me because I didn't really care about it and wasn't spending my spare time tinkering with robots like some of my classmates. I almost majored in physics, but switched to accounting at the last second because I decided I probably didn't want to spend my whole life in a basement fine-tuning lasers.

I went into accounting because I thought math was boring but I was good at it, and I figured accounting might straddle the math-type-brain with the people-stories-humanities things that were more interesting to me. This is somewhat true - financial accounting is not math (thank goodness), but someone who is good at one will probably be good at the other and it is quite satisfying the way balance sheets always balance. (You can get into more math-and-statistics-intensive applications, but base accounting is just adding and Microsoft Excel, which is unironically one of the greatest tools humankind has ever created. How you feel about that opinion might tell you a lot about whether it's the right field for you lol.)

'Accounting' is really (at least) three entirely different types of job:

‘Industry accounting’ is the accountants who work for a business and keep track of its numbers. They record everything, analyze the data, and organize it into reports called financial statements, which are then given to the CEO, the board of directors, the shareholders, etc. to tell them how the company is doing.

‘Public accounting’ (as in Certified Public Accountant) has two main subclasses:

Audit, where you get hired by businesses to independently examine their financial statements and provide some verification that the managers who prepared them aren't lying or mistaken.

Tax, where you do taxes for people and businesses.

(+1: If you're a tech-savvy person, there's a huge amount of potential for crossover into technology work - data science, financial software, etc, etc. Though IT work has its own delights and frustrations.)

All three flavors of accounting require not only technical accounting knowledge but also at least some degree of business acumen to be truly good at (you'll develop this over time; I barely have any, the partners at my firm are very astute), and any of them can can put you literally anywhere, because everyone in every industry and lots of individuals need an accountant. (There are cross-state licensing issues that can affect how literal 'anywhere' is, so if you want to work somewhere specific that's a good thing to research in advance when planning out your degree, but even these are for the most part eminently surmountable). So particularly on the public side of things, it's a field that can expose you to a lot of different people and situations, and that's interesting. I like getting a glimpse of someone's life when I prepare their tax return. (I think I prefer individual returns to business returns for this reason, among others.) And if you're someone who likes business, it is a fantastic field from which to study it and could position you well for a more generally-businessy position down the road. (I have frankly found that I ... do not, so much. So keep that in mind when considering the rest of this opinion piece.)

All three types of accounting are, by their very nature, repetitive, in the sense that they're cyclical - you do the journal entries and close the books on one month, or you do a hundred tax returns and get through tax season, and then you do it all over again. Accounting isn't a field that really makes or does things - it measures what other people are doing, over and over and over again. It's a keeping-the-lights-on-and-wheels-running kind of field. It matters, because all three of those functions above are important in the context of our current economic arrangement. But some people are going to be happy doing that and some people are not.

Public accounting also has pretty punishing work schedules during crunch times. I can attest to that for tax (my current field), and have heard it's at least partially true for audit. This can be a good thing in some ways (I happen to like it), because it means there are some relaxed times as well - but again, some people are going to like the up-and-down rhythm and some people are going to want something more steady. (If you find this one isn't for you, you can always leave public accounting after a year or two and go into industry - that's what many people's planned trajectories are from the get go.)

In all three corners it's a field about developing expertise. You're doing something complicated for people which they don't know how to do for themselves, and you do sometimes get to come up with crucial information and/or creative solutions to help them. And in the broad societal scopes of public policy and the health of the economy, people having that expertise - in tax and its ramifications, in business, in financial accounting, in principled and accurate auditing - is important.

In a world where most of us regrettably have to do something for money, accounting is a pretty okay thing to do, and it pays money.

Being in the workforce for a few years has made me come to imagine a lot of things are tedious in some ways and important and interesting in others. Our incredibly complex global civilization goes because different people become experts in the minute, tedious details of their own different things, and then they all work in their own corners of the huge, infinitely complex machine. Tinkering with robots and living in laser-filled-basements are not that dissimilar to reading discourse over the minutia of the United States tax code. (These are all examples from relatively technical/'professional' career areas, because I don't really have first-hand experience with anything else (yet) - but maybe someone will chime in on that front in the notes.)

The extremely good news, which I can't emphasize enough, is that you're going to have a lot of opportunities to pivot, or change direction, or try different things, to eventually find the thing that at worst you don't mind becoming something of an expert in, and at best you absolutely love. I've already had three extremely different jobs, all of which have been very informative in terms of what I Do and Do Not like. It's surprising how often that doesn't line up with what I expected when I was younger. You might of course have a different experience - the point is you have plenty of time to experiment and find out.

But if I don't LOVE my career, isn't that terrible? Time for a confession, or something: I've always been an achiever-type, and in my youthier youth I would've answered the above question 'yes' - but in my first few of years out of school, whenever anyone would ask me what my future plans were, my answer was always '... I don't know? Try to get promoted, I guess?' I was really leaning on the external validation of what a 'good career' was without running that past whether it was what I wanted to achieve with my life. And over time that had a noticeable effect on my wellbeing. You're right that perfectionism will help, no matter what you go into - but you should be careful to keep an eye on whether it's really mostly helping your boss, and whether it's doing it at your expense. Don't get me wrong, this will make you a fantastic and therefore valued (read: employed) employee. Just be wary of it getting out of hand. (You might find you need to practice figuring out how and when to prioritize yourself even if it's inconvenient for others. I'm still practicing that now.)

Anyway, after a lot of reflection, I began to refine my idea of my capital-P Purpose, and it has little to do with working in a shiny fancy office or having a successful-sounding job title next to a well-known employer's name or really anything to do with accounting. Those things were only superficially rewarding. I'm working on rearranging my life to abandon some of the more costly ones to make room for my Purpose as I've come to understand it, and my license keeps me in overpriced coffees and, like, a house. It means even an occasionally disastrous person like me is doing reasonably okay (so far).

Some people love careers like that, though. Some people love living in basements full of lasers. It's really so individual. For me, it became clearer when I connected the dots between the things I kept coming back to time and time again, even in my most difficult moments, even years or decades apart. For other people, it might be very different.

But at the moment, you may not have all the information you need yet to make determinations about Purpose. Why would you, you're a baby; heck, so am I. It might evolve over the whole course your life. My main advice for you would be to just try something, or several things - whatever seems most interesting, or most practical, or ideally both! - and see how it goes. Like I said above, that will give you experiences instead of guesses, which will help you know. And you really do have so much time to work with. The most important thing, the thing I would tell my younger self, is to make sure that every so often you pause and honestly look. How do I feel about what I'm doing? Does it feel good because I like it, or because other people like it? Am I actually interested in building on and using the things I'm learning? Do I have a plan for the future? Is there anything about it I want to change, or add, or that doesn't actually matter to me? (And perhaps "What would I be doing right now/want to be doing in five years if I didn't have to make money?", because that might give you hints to what you want your money-career - if it isn't the same thing as your Purpose - to give you room for.)

Did I mention I think it's very individual? I think it's very individual. I invite anyone to add their own numerous-cents to this post - alternate takes on the accounting field (do you love it passionately? please tell this person why), additional career or life advice, etc. I'm just one person who's walking my one narrow path through the world with its particular terrain. Everyone's is going to look different.

P.S. Ask a Manager is imo an indispensable resource for getting a job - resumes, cover letters, interviews. Literally it has gotten me all my jobs.

It also gives a lot of great advice about what to consider in an employer and potential red flags - and I can attest that the culture of the company you work for and the management skills and style of your supervisor(s) matter more than almost anything when it comes to your day-to-day happiness in a job. This is part personal fit, part objective competence. It's not the end of the world if you take a misstep here either - it's something you figure out, just like everything else. You can do almost anything for a year - and you are NOT COMPELLED to even stay that long if it's really not working out.

P.P.P.S - and this is way out there ... I was exceptionally good at both reading/English and math as a young person - and it’s interesting that when that’s true, the careers people throw at you are all STEM-related. It’s almost as if people are predisposed to thinking STEM fields are more important, and that smart people belong in them. I have come to feel strongly that isn’t the case.

A lot of people (at least in my western/US culture) feel the humanities are an afterthought, but when I think about it, I think there are and have always been two main sources of human suffering in the world: nature and its limitations (hunger, health and disease, weather and environment, etc.) and other humans (war, murder, racism/sexism/all oppression and hatred, conquering and imperialism, poverty/socioeconomic inequality, and also elements of the way societies are organized that affect hunger, and health and disease, and weather and the environment, and so on).

STEM work is hugely important to making improvements in the first category, and helps with the second (it gives us the internet and weapons to defend ourselves from evil people who want to destroy us, for example). But a lot of the fundamental root issues in that second category are in the sphere of culture and the humanities - law and politics, sure, but those are derived from history, sociology and psychology, literature, cultural studies, philosophy, ethics, education, journalism, literature and the arts and pop culture (which informs and is informed by all of the above). The world needs smart people in those fields as well as STEM and business.

STEM fields often offer more money, or more certain money. Business fields offer sometimes significantly more. That’s a practical element to consider. And if you like a STEM thing, or a business thing, and want to go into it, please do and do fabulous things with it. All I mean is that if you find yourself considering a career in a humanities field, don’t be dissuaded only because people seem to think you’re too smart for it and would be better off doing something else.

[idkhyuck]

Fireflies- NCT DREAM Fanfic pt1 

I couldn’t shake the happy, freeing feeling this song gave me. So here’s the result of that

Y/N Goes on a camping trip with her best friends to celebrate their last year as teenagers

DREAM OT6 !BestfriendREADER with hints of romances.No warnings other than swearing as it’s really fluffy. A/N I don’t really know the Dream Timeline too well yet so in this they’re idols and it includes things from their careers but I've kind of created my own timeline. I Kind of want to continue this if anyone likes it. Feedback is appreciated. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Are you sure this is all we’ll need?” I asked looking at Jaemin and Jeno loading up our cart with a few sleeping bags. They both turned to me and nodded

“My dad’s got some stuff in the garage I can use. We can spend more money on food this way.” Jaemin said confidently as he pushed the cart down the aisle “maybe we should grab this just in case.” he said reaching for a tarp. I sighed knowing we’d end up back in this aisle before we left the store. Jeno nodded and followed behind him grabbing a few packs of the rope. and followed him, I rolled my eyes and grabbed the tent pegs they both walked passed. I’m so excited they have the weekend off. We’re going camping to celebrate our last summer being teenagers. Chenle and Jisung still had a some time left but it wouldn’t be the same without them with us so we’re bringing them along. We continued our shopping trip. I spent most of my teenage years with these boys. I stuck with them all through their trainee days after meeting in middle school, They’re my best friends and will forever have my support.

“I need swim shorts!.” Jeno said freezing in place as he turned to look for a sign to tell him where to go, he was such a lost puppy at times. I grabbed him and pointed him in the right direction. We made our way to the men’s wear section. I felt the stares of the girls that passed as they watched me walk with them. I wondered if they knew who they were or if they were just amazed at the beauty of the two of them like I am continually. I’ll probably never end up dating any of them but that didn’t stop my heart from noticing how handsome they’ve gotten over the years. I’ve literally had a legit crush on all of them at least once in the past 7 years, except Jisung he’s my baby and he hates it. the worst was Haechan at 17. They all knew except Haechan and it drove me nuts. You know when you have a crush for so long and it just grows into a content love. That’s what I have with each of them. They’ve seen me at my worst, and vice versa. We grew up together basically and at the end of this year We’d be adults. Man times flies when you’re having fun. “My mom said yes to taking her van, she’ll be here with it later.” Chenle said as he walked into the practice room throwing his bag at me in the corner.

“hey!” I yelled as the bag landed a little too close to me with a thud,

“Oh. Hi.” he said indifferently as he started stretching. Haechan sat up laughing from across the room.

“Great to see you too.” I added sourly as I pulled his bag over and laid on it. We were supposed to leave for our camping trip after practice which is why I’m here so god damn early. Renjun walked in he looked so incredibly tired.

“Renjunie. did you even sleep?” I asked him as he sat on the floor beside me

“Kind of.” he said sheepishly meaning he was up all night playing games. I sighed as he changed his shoes beside me.

“You can sleep in the van on the way out.” I said as the staff came in to the room. They were filming a dance practice today. That would be fun to watch. I had all of my things for the weekend in a backpack. Jaemin and Jisung hauled all of our camping gear in here last night. The boys went on practicing hard for a little bit. the hours flew by fast as I watched them perfect the choreo enough to film it. They started filming takes for the video. After the first take chenle came over

“Call my mom please. She can bring the van now.” he said taking a sip of water before running back into formation. I went out into the hall to make my phone call. Chenle’s mom as already on her way with the van when I reached her. I thought I’d take this time to haul our stuff to the doors so it would be easy to load up. I started with the tent, I made a few trips back and forth. The guys at varying degree of choreography each time not even noticing me coming or going. I saw one of the execs in the lobby as I carried Mine and Jisung’s bag to my growing pile.

“Those boys treating you good?” he asked me. I nodded politely bowing. “Have fun this weekend.”

“Thank you.” I said. It was still so scary knowing that everyone here knew me. I’d pass other idols in the halls and they’d greet me like any other. Most people would die to be in my position and I thought about that often. Like they’re just 6 boys that became my friends. Mark and the other NCT boys too. Mark was gone on a work trip or else he’d be here camping with us. I missed him a lot, He’s always so busy, He’s such a hard worker. We barely saw any other the other boys. We were so busy with graduation and other things. The older boys were busy with tour prep and comeback scheduling.

“Wow!” Jisung said as he saw all the stuff loaded into the van. His hair freshly showered and extra soft looking. The smell of their shampoo radiating off of them as we all loaded into van.

“FOUR DAYS OFF!” Chenle yelled as he closed the door behind him and sat beside me. All the other boys started cheering. Jaemin started the van and we pulled out as Haechan sat in the passenger seat fixing the radio with the playlist he made just for this weekend.

“We have enough food?” Renjun asked as he settled in with the cooler between him and Jisung in the back seat. I was stuck in the middle between Chenle and Jeno.

‘Yeah. Me and my mom packed it all last night.” I said “There’s all kinds of good things in there.” I added. “As long as we have a fire. We’re set.” I said

“okay.” Renjun quietly said from behind me I didn’t even have to see I could already tell he was drifting off to sleep. I looked as we passed all familiar places in Seoul. Soon enough we’d be entering the country side. It was early afternoon. The sun high and shining brightly. I couldn’t wait to be at our campsite. I’m so glad that we get to be completely off the grid, no body guards, no staff, no cameras. Although I planned on taking tons of pictures and videos of our time together. The windows being open brought in just the right amount of breeze so we weren’t hot. Jeno was playing on his phone or responding to emails, he was always working. Chenle was listening to the music playing with his eyes closed. Haechan was texting on his phone. And Jaemin quietly sung along with the radio. Jisung and Renjun were passed out in the backseat, i could hear them both snoring softly. This was already so relaxing, I felt myself getting sleepy. I yawned and laid my head back. I felt jeno’s arm wrap around me “lean on me. you’ll be sore.” He said quietly

Jeno was my first crush out of all the boys I’ve ever known. He was tallest in our grade and strong and so so handsome. I couldn’t help but feel things for him. I hated myself for it. We were really good friends, and I wasn’t the only girl that had a crush on him. I WAS the only girl that got to see the real him. the soft boy who loved games and singing and dancing and sports. He was so passionate about his work, he worked so hard to get where he is. He’s kind of goofy despite being called NoJam and I loved that side of him. He looked so tough and hot but he was so soft and that’s what got me. This was pre-debut. I struggled to hide my feelings around him because I didn’t want him or anything between us to change. Or worse they’d think I only liked him because he was going to debut. I spent a whole year crushing on him and then I saw him one night late at the studio it was just us because he was my ride home. He was very frustrated with himself, There was new choreo he couldn’t get and and he’d been working for hours and we were supposed to go hang out at the river before we had to be home but we were already late. He misstepped and fell to the floor in frustration, I ran over and saw him slump over in defeat. He was so exhausted, they’d been working non stop since their debut a few months prior. I sat on the floor beside him.

“Hey. its okay.” i said trying to keep things bright. it was when I saw the tears fall to the floor as he refused to look up at me that I knew he wasn’t okay. “Hey no, Jeno.” I said reaching out to touch his arm. “You’ll get it. You have time.” I said trying my best to reassure him. “Lets go home. You’ve worked hard.” I said as I watched the tears mix with sweat and fall off the tip of his nose. “Don’t be to hard on yourself.” I said “You’ve been working so hard, You’ve done so good. So good!” I said ‘I’ve never seen anyone work as hard as you.” I added “You should be proud of yourself and celebrating. You guys are the best rookie group out there right now. It’ll be okay.” I said reaching down to wipe his face. His eyes finally met mine and I saw how upset he really was. I immediately wrapped my arms around him and held him close, a few tears escaping me “Jeno.” I said my voice cracking “I mean it. You’re doing amazing. You don’t need to be perfect.” I said trying to keep my voice even. He was breathing hard against my shoulder “We’ll be okay.” I said “You’ve got this.” I added as I rubbed his back. He finally pulled away and started wiping his face.

“I’m sorry.” he said “I didn’t mean too here.” he said wiping at his nose gesturing around with his hand.

“No. It’s fine” I said smiling at him “It’s why I’m here.” I said “We’re best friends you can always tell me anything. I’ll always be here.” I said and in the moment I realized I meant it, I couldn’t imagine my life without Jeno in it. I woke up to Chenle pulling me out of the van, catching me as I fell out only to let me go and go running “WE’RE HERE!” He said as he ran to the other side of the campsite. it took me a second to adjust my eye sight to how bright it was. I turned and ran into Haechan, he just laughed as he slid me over to the side to start unloading. I yawned and made my way over to the back where the rest of the boys were unloading bit by bit

“Tent first.” Renjun said as he pour the contents out of our tent bag. I went over to help him. We bought the biggest tent we could find. It was an 8 person tent. Renjun and I slid the poles in. as Jisung and Jaemin set up the rest of our campsite with our chairs and our coolers and bags. I smiled at Rejun as our poles met in the middle Renjun was my second crush, it had only lasted about three months. He was helping me learn Mandarin and I longed for the time we spent together at the building when he was on breaks. It was just the two of us and I really got to know him then. I lived for the late night phone calls we shared. They’d start off as study calls and then it’d turn into him getting distracted and he’d tell me about aliens and ghosts and his theories and whatever else he was reading at the time, he was so incredibly real and honest. He was so confident in the way he carried himself even though, He was tiny, I loved his tiny features. He was almost delicate but still such a strong, handsome boy I was sure I was in love with.Then he admitted his crush on a girl in our class and my feelings for him died instantly. We all let out a sighs of relief as we settled into ours chairs, Haechan and Chenle spent the past hour setting up our fire pit with rocks and sticks and grass and leaves. We had our food and extra supplies set up in a make shift lean to with the tarps we bought. Jaemin’s dad had a bunch of chairs and sleeping bags and a cool fire starting kit. The sun was a a low place in the sky right now. it wasn’t quite twilight but everything was getting glowy. I took out my phone.

“Smile!” i yelled as I started taking pictures of them. I wanted to remember these moments forever. They all laughed pretending to hide their faces. haechan hid behind his hoodie. I stopped to focus on him. He was reaching for my phone blindly before he got up and started chasing me. We ran around the camp screaming and laughing as i took pictures of them as best as I could while running . it wasn’t long before chenle and jisung joined in trying to intercept me. It was chenle that grabbed me and wrapped his arms around me. I was giggling hysterically by now. I felt his chest heaving against my back as my own breath and heartbeat drummed in my ears. He picked me up and carried me over to the chairs, he threw me in to my chair laughing.

“Better sell those to the fansites, you’ll be rich.” he said with a laugh. I stuck my tongue out at him as I snuck one more of him

“Just when you think you escaped the cameras.” Jaemin said with a wink as he drug the cooler over.

Jaemin was the my third crush. I developed it while he was on time off. He spent as lot of time at my house because being at the dorms or at his house depressed him. He couldn’t do what he wanted to do and it was eating away at him. We’d spend hours watching movies, He’d leave for appointments only to come back for a few more hours. Usually bringing food. He trusted me with all his worries, We’d talk for hours about what his future looked like with the band and we’d cry and then we’d laugh at ourselves and eat some food. We watched and cried together as NCT dream got their first win. I honestly thought he might have liked me too. the rest of the boys would tease him about being with me all the time. We didn’t care we were having fun.it wasn’t until I went to the SM Christmas party with the boys and people started asking us if we were dating then he’d deny it. it kind of hurt me but I was just grateful to have that connection with him. to this day he’s one of my BEST friends in the world. There’s honestly no one I trust more than Jaemin, I’ll always go to him first with anything. “Of course you know how to start a fire.” I said as Chenle was hard at work starting our fire. He just turned and gave me his signature Chenle smile. I hoped to god I wasn’t blushing I was still getting over that crush on him It was the first day back at school from winter break. I hadn’t seen my friends much over the holidays so I was scanning the room for them. Specifically Renjun and Chenle, They went back to china for almost a whole month. The last time I saw either of them was at the SM christmas party. Chenle and I shared three dances that night. Jeno and I two and the rest I had to beg to dance with me at least once. I even danced with Mark and Jungwoo. I was having the time of my life. Chenle and I we’re just about to go out to the dance floor when the song changed to a slower one. I froze with his hand in mine, He just shrugged his shoulders and continued dragging me out to the dance floor. Once we got there he carefully placed his hands on my waist. it was a foreign feeling. this was my first slow dance with a boy but I’d never admit it to anyone except maybe Jaemin. I thought to myself as I enjoyed the feeling of being whisked around the dance floor. The music from some drama I never finished blasting through the speakers. I was looking around at other people dancing some of the couples I’d begun to recognize in the media were here. dancing to this song and here I am holding on to Chenle. I went to look up at him and realized I had look a bit further up.

“When did you get so tall?” I asked looking at him in the eyes as I now began to realize just how high up my arms were on his shoulders.

“I can’t be short forever.” He said pushing me out for a spin. I laughed as he pulled me into him. Why was he so good at slow dancing. Was there anything he can’t do. The song was over and he dragged me back to the table. The next day he left for china and we barely got to talk because he was busy with family. I couldn’t tell if I was developing feelings for him, it was like I was seeing him in a new light after the party and I dwelled on it the whole winter break. I was hoping he’d be here early like he usually was so we could hang out. I texted him to no avail. I felt a hand tap me scaring me as i waited in the hall

“What are you doing?” I jumped and screamed at the sound of his voice, only to turn and see he had died his hair light and that he was at least another two centimeters taller causing me to scream again causing him to jump back and lift his hands up “GOD what the hell is wrong with you?” he said “I don’t look that scary.” he added as he clutched his chest. The adrenaline running through my veins at the scare, and the sight of him caused my heart to race and i started laughing uncontrollably.  Jeno and Jaemin came over to see the commotion.

“What’d you do?” Jaemin asked Chenle as he stood there confused out of his mind

“No I’m fine.” i said “Not you.” I managed to muster between giggles “You scared me.” I said gaining composure breathless I looked up to see all three boys staring at me confused out out of their minds. I looked at Chenle and immediately felt my cheeks get hot again. I looked away before they could notice. “I was looking for you guys. I never gave you these.” I said digging out bracelets I made for them as apart of their Christmas gifts. They were green with all our initials on it. Jeno rolled his eyes as I tied it on him. Jaemin excitedly accepted his and when I got to chenle I almost dropped the bracelet as he bumped me while pulling up his sleeve. good lord I’m already awkward around him I thought to myself as i\I fumbled to tie it around his wrist. The bell rang and I bowed to them and ran off to my class before I made things worse. The last thing on my mind was the lesson we were reviewing that day from last unit.

That day at lunch I met with the rest of the guys and gave them their bracelets. Jisung and I qucikly ran to the convenience store to get food for the rest of us. When we got back we spent  the rest of our lunch hour discussing what we did over break. Renjun and Chenle distributing all the Chinese candy they brought back for us. We had fun like normal, I couldn’t help but sneak a few glances at Chenle. Jesus christ I thought I was done with this after Haechan. Speaking of Haechan he was no where to be seen because of his injury. and I missed him. I’d gone to see him at his place so many times over the break. I sent him an “I miss you” text. only to have him reply with a ugly seflie of him in bed. “If only i could be so lucky to lay in bed all day.” I replied

“Come join me then.” he replied. He didn’t mean it, he never did. That didn’t stop me from smiling like an idiot.

“Y/N! come on!! we’re gonna be late. Flirt with Haechan later!” Chenle was yelling at me from across the lunch room. I yelled at him and chased after him. He was running through the hall, I was so close to catching him when he suddenly stopped causing me to run straight into him. He caught me as I fell and placed me straight up while bowing to the teacher that passed and gave us a dirty look. I scrambled to bow quickly at her. I turned to Chenle

“You brat!” I whispered loudly while hitting his chest.

“How about I make it up to you?” He asked quietly looking around leaning in. My heart nearly jumped out of my throat. before I could even say anything he had his hand around mine and placing something in my hand closing it, while pretending to make sure no one was looking “i knew how much you loved these last time so I brought some extra for you.” He winked at me and then left. “Don’t tell the guys.” He mouthed to me as he walked into his classroom. I didn’t even realize I was holding my breath until the room started spinning. I looked down at my hand and saw a whole bag of the jelly candy i loved. I blushed as I opened one and ate it and made my way into my class. Jeno seated at his seat behind me

“You still have some?”he asked he watched me eat the candy.

“Oh. O didn’t eat mine at lunch.” i said quietly putting them in my bag and opening my books. I played with the candy wrapper for the rest of the afternoon with that sickening feeling you get when you know you’re gonna like someone. shit I didn’t want to have a crush on Chenle yet here i am already head over heels. it’ll pass it always does. I said to myself. And I continued to say that over the next six months. I said that as Jaemin and I were on the phone one night and he confronted me about it about a month and a half ago.

“So Chenle?”

“what about Chenle?” I asked him

“Why are you drooling all over him all of a sudden?” he asked

“I’m not!” i said trying to sound offended

“y/n….” he said flatly

“I KNOW! OKAY I DONT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. HE LIKE GOT TALLER AND HE BROUGHT ME CANDY, AND HE BUYS ME LUNCH. AND HE’S GETTING SO GOOD AT DANCING AND LIKE DUDE. he’s such an amazing singer.” i said taking a deep breath “like it’s like one second he’s an annoying little brother then he’s swaying me around the floor at the Christmas party and he’s not so annoying anymore.” I said

“christmas? That’s how long this has been going on?” he asked shock in his voice

“I know.” i sighed “It’s fine. you know how I am. So shallow. It’ll pass.” I said in a light tone, but it really wasn’t anywhere near passing. I tried so hard since then to push the feelings away and it was working.

“First Haechan now Chenle. Are the rest of us not good enough.” he joked.

“Shut up.” I said. As I got over my crushes on them I made sure to make it seem like I had a crush on another guy or an idol or something so it didn’t seem like I wasn’t crushing on someone. Haechan was the first one out of them that the found out about and intended to keep it that way. “Hey uh don’t tell anyone okay?” I asked him serious

“”I won’t.” Se said I could hear the sincere smile in his voice. He then proceeded spending the next month telling me to tell chenle despite me telling him I was getting over him and I really felt like I was getting over him. I hoped this camping trip wouldn’t help that.

The campfire glowing as the sun set around us. It as absolutely perfect.

“is this what fireflies are like?” Jisung asked as he watched the embers of the flames rise and float off into the night.

“i imagine so.” Jeno said as he turned his stick over. He was currently burning his hot dogs but refused to listen when we told him to take them out. Jisung went over to the cooler and brought back marshmallows. He took a pile and tossed the bag to Jaemin. who took some, this continued until the bag got to me. I said

“Wait is this the first time for everyone?” I asked and looked around as everyone nodded “Let’s do a marshmallow toast!” I said excited grabbing my stick to put them on. I stood up ignoring their protests and watched excitedly as they all stood up reluctantly. “To being twenty.” I said sticking my marshmallow high above the fire

“to graduating.” Jeno said “to being friends.” Jaemin said earning a shove from Haechan and Jisung on either side of him. “To being friends forever.” I added “To being us!” Renjun said finally before shoving his marshmallow in the centre we all did that and roasted our marshmallows. I looked around the fire at each of them all unique in their own ways, all meaning different things to me, it made me sad, We’ll be adults next year. What if things change. I’ll be off in college all by myself while they’re enrolled online. Lord knows what the future holds for them career wise. I don’t even want to know how Jisung and Chenle feel. There’s talks of Renjun joining WayV in china. The other boys don’t know their future yet, Everything changes and all of this feels so final. I looked around at them laughing and having fun and living in the moment. The way Jaemin and Jeno fought as their marshmallows stuck together. Chenle and haechan fighting trying to knock each others marshmallows into the fire. Renjun sitting in the back eating his burnt marshmallow laughing and Jisung trying his best to roast more than one at once. They were still the same boys I met back in middle school but not at the same time. I sat back in my chair and tried my best not to cry. Haechan noticed my quietness and came over to sit beside me. I loved the way his skin glowed, I hated when he wore makeup on stage. He was so absolutely stunning and it hurt me. I had a crush on Haechan for 4 months now. It was getting worse with each day. NCT 127 had just released a new album and this all started as I watched Haechan practice his parts in studio. His voice was so angelic I literally sat there blushing the whole time he was singing. He didn’t notice, he never did. I bought that album, first album I bought myself only so I could listen to him singing on it. His parts had such an effect on me and I hated it. I thought I was doing good at hiding my crush on him. I wasn’t awkward around him. We teased non stop like always, only it was driving me nuts, and had no effect on him. We’re always cuddling or holding hands because that’s haechan, but at least it was something right. I was sitting outside during lunch on the front steps listening to my CD. 127 was doing promo so Haechan was away from school for awhile and I missed him. it was the first time he was really away from us and I was going through it. Jisung was the first to find out.

“Who are you listening to like this?” he asked pulling my headphones out as he sat down beside me with his face in his hands and batting his eyes  

“I’m not like that.” i said shoving him

“Like what?” Jaemin said sitting on the other side of me.

“She’s in love with someone.” He said reaching for my old CD player I got from my mom. as I pulled away from him Renjun came from behind and grabbed it.

“Give it back.” i whined. looking up at him to no avail he opened it

“Oh my god 127 hyungs!” he said with a gasp. all the boys looked at me “It is johnny?” Jisung asked “i bet its johnny.”

“No it’s Taeyong.” Rejun said said

“Is it Jungwoo? He’s your type” Jeno asked as he sat beside Jisung. they continued this game as I denied all of them.

“Ten hyung!” Jisung said beside me

“NOOO” i said annoyed with them

“Then who? Renjun asked confused “the only one we didn’t name was…” they suddenly all yelled “HAECHANNIE!” “Arghhh! ” I said beyond annoyed with them  

“Oh my god it is.” Jisung said hanging his head with disbelief. Renjun tsked as he handed me back my CD player. I sighed as Jaemin looked at me trying to get an answer.

“What’d I miss?” chenle asked as he approached us out of breath. We all looked up at him. then they all started talking all at once telling various versions of what just happened. Chenle choked on his drink

“Haechan?!” he asked “Why?!” he was the first person to ask anything. “I don’t know.” I said still annoyed with them. “Ah, you should have seen her sitting there.” Jisung said as I shot him a dirty look. “Are you going to tell him?” Jaemin asked a concerned look on his face and I could tell why, he was just as scared as I was of things changing

“Noooo. God no. He can never know.” I said panicking “Why?” renjun asked “Because it’ll make things weird and like it’s just a stupid crush anyway. I’ll get over it.” i said matter of factly. I didn’t get over it for a whole year… He was just so handsome and he seemed so more mature compared to the rest of the boys. He wasn’t and still isn’t but like The fact that he was out in the world touring and working on music and like he just seemed like he was on a different level then the rest of us here. Like he was still the same old haechannie who liked to tease me but like I just saw him differently and he was so incredibly untouchable it hurt. Like I think it’s his passion that drew me in. He practiced so hard, He worked on his singing so hard. Watching him at a piano was a treat. I still love him and would date him in the drop of a hat to be honest but like I know he doesn’t see me that way, I’m still the same ol me to him and I don’t think that will ever changed and that’s how I eventually got over him enough to be here normally. The boys didn’t help either. They’d constantly tease me about it behind his back I’m honestly surprised he never found out. “What’s wrong Y/N?” Haechan asked sitting down beside me

“I’m just thinking.” i said hoping to keep my voice even.

“About?” Jaemin asked from across the fire.

“Life.” i said my voice sounding smaller than I wanted it to. I now had all their attention. “Ah shit. Here we go.” i said looking down “We’re almost adults. 20 years old in 6 months. doesn’t that scare you?” I asked “not just at work but here. and in real life too. I get anxiety thinking about what will happen to you guys at work honestly. We barely see mark.” I said “And like it’s just all gonna change.” I said my voice finally cracking I looked down as my eyes welled up “I’m so grateful to know you guys as stupid as you are.” I said trying to laugh. “We’re so lucky to have met how we did because I honestly can’t imagine my life with out you guys and idk if you feel that same way or I’m just some dumb girl but like you’re all gonna be there when I get married and I hope when I have kids and like I just want to be friends forever. and I don’t want to lose you guys.” I turned to Renjun “I don’t want to lose you.” he knew what I meant and I was full on crying at this point “Not yet anyway.” I sighed in my seat and I looked up at all of them. They were all so quiet and somber I thought I had ruined the trip  then Haechan spoke up

“We’ll always be friends no matter what.” he said and all the others nodded. He said it with such a finality that he didn’t need to say anything else. It was when I looked around and saw each of them looking at me with concern and worry that I knew. They really did care for me.

“lets have some more marshmallows.” i laughed “I’m sorry.” i said wiping my nose with my hoodie sleeve

“No. it’s understandable.” Jeno said “We’ve been so busy. life catches up with you.”

“let’s play truth or dare!” Jisung said hating all the sad stuff. i smiled a knowing smile at him and nodded

“Yeah!” i said. We all stood up again and played rock paper scissors to decide who would go first. Jisung would go first and we’d go around the circle asking to our left. Renjun chose truth so Jisung asked him

“what’s one thing you can’t live without?”

“easy. Headphones.” Renjun replied quickly “truth or dare?” he asked Jaemin who said Dare “I dare you to do karaoke for us. one song WE PICK.” He said motioning for Haechan to come over with his phone and speaker.

“Argh not this one!” Jaemin said as the most popular song in korea rn started playing “I’ve heard it a thousand times.”

“sing! or we’ll throw you in the lake!” Jeno said as the song started into the melody we’d all heard at least 1000 times. Jaemin started singing his voice cracking here and there because it wasn’t in his key. The guys laughing at him as he turned various shades of pink. it was a sexy song and he hated it

“choreo! come on!” rejun said as the chorus started soon enough they were all up dancing various stages of the song.

“you guys are a mess.” i said in between laughing. the song came to an end and they all sat down. “Thanks for the show.” i laughed. they all threw marshmallows at me. “okay next.”

“Jeno! truth or Dare?” Jaemin yelled as he opened his water.

“truth.” Jeno said

“Favourite idol you’ve met.” Jaemin asked

“EXO hyungs.” Jeno said easily

“boring.” chenle asked “I pick truth.” He said taking a bite of a hotdog he had cooked himself

“Favorite place we’ve been so far.” he asked stiffling a yawn

“Brazil.” he said “truth or dare?” he said turning to me.

“truth.” i said pondering how bad it could be they were doing easy questions i should be safe

“first crush.” Chenle said i wasn’t safe.

“um. like first first crush? or first real crush?” I asked

“first real crush.” he said “we all know about you’re crush on Goku.” he said rolling his eyes

“hmmm.” i said pretending to think while looking across the fire at Jeno .”No names BUT we were 15.” I said looking away from Jeno as our eyes met i could tell he knew immediately. “First time I’d ever noticed a boy in this way that was my age. wanna guess?” I said looking around at the boys as they all have puzzled looked on their faces.

“We met already?” Renjun asked

“yup, you guys were in training. He was the only boy in our grade that was this tall and handsome.” i said looking down as I could practically all hear them whip their heads towards Jeno.”it was short lived but this boy will forever remain as the boy I liked first.

“Is he still as handsome?” Jeno asked looking at me from across the fire with a small smile, i could feel the rest of the boys eyes peering into me.

“Other girls seem to think so.” i said smiling back at him. Haechan laughed beside me

“AWWW! LITTLE Y/N’s FIRST CRUSH IS JENO!” He said roaring with laughter, which caused all the other boys to start laughing.

“WHAT?! i wasn’t the only one to crush on him that year!” i said defending myself “not my fault the rest of you refused to go through puberty.” i said they all took that so well. I was kind of shocked

“Hey! my voice was dropping already.” Jisung said defensively

“it’s still dropping!” I said to him “girls go crazy for it online.” i said “if they only knew what a baby you are.” i said laughing. He shot me a dirty look. “Okay if you are all done.” i said turning to Haechan

“Dare.” he said looking me in the eye.

“I dare you to finish that bottle of juice in 30 seconds.” i said pointing to the full bottle beside him

“Easy.” he said picking it up “timer!” he said

“Go!” Jisung said. We all watched as he chugged the juice quickly “he’s done that before.” Jisung said as he watched. He finished the bottle with 7 seconds left and wiped his lips while looking at me

“Told you.” he said. I sat there pouting. The game went on for two hours. We had tons of fun. Chenle made me do their choreo in front of everyone while they filmed it. I wanted to die. We all sat around the campfire just talking about the past school year and how much fun we had. Jeno yawned first.

“we should go to bed.” i said stretching my legs out. “How are we all sleeping?” I  asked standing up a shiver went down my spine as the wind brushed my hair across my neck. “it’s getting chilly.” I said I went over to my bag and dug out my comfy clothes. sweats and a long t-shirt.”I’m changing in the tent!” I said running into our tent. I could hear then all fumbling around outside the tent, yelling at each other, beating each other up from the sounds of things.

“y/n hurry upppp.” Haechan whined from just outside the tent pulling at the zipper.

“Stop it! or you’re all sleeping outside.” i said as I slipped into my sweats. I changed from my real bra to my sports bra and slipped my shirt over. I sat down and washed up my face.

“What are you doing??” Jisung asked

“Washing up.” I said as I went over my forehead a few times.

“Washing up on a camping trip.” Jeno said flatly.

“Don’t come for me when you’re all breaking out when we get back.” I said as I packed up my things “Come in.” I said shoving my bag in the corner. The zipper  opened they’re all came piling in carrying sleeping bags and pillows and blankets. They were all kind of hunched over and bumping into each other shoving and i’m backed against the back wall of the tent “GUYS! wait!” everyone back out!” they all practically fell out of the tent I followed suit and grabbed my sleeping bag and pillow from the pile they abandoned it in. I looked at them all varying stages of bickering with each other.

“Oldest to youngest.” Renjun said.

“Fine.” Jaemin said knowing he had a chance at a good spot being fourth, the rest of us all groaned and nodded in agreement. My birthday was in November.so I was third last. This was my first time sleeping over with all of them. over the years i’d spend the night at one of their houses or one of them mine but never all of us at once. I sometimes wonder what other stuff I missed out on having no girlfriends I grabbed my headphones and my blanket. I was waiting. Renjun went into the tent first and set up his bed along the back wall.

“HEY! wait!” I  said as Jeno started walking into the tent! “There’s enough room for me to sleep along that back wall too. Renjun and I Horizontal and the rest of you guys spread out vertical along us.” I said looking at all of them hopeful “look at you guys if any of you try and fit there it’ll never work.” I said gesturing at how tall they were. “Renjun is JUST short enough that I’ll fit and it’ll create more room!”

“wow! she’s a genius!” Jaemin said as he looked at the room they’d all have. they all nodded and i made my way into the tent. I rolled out my sleeping bag and sat on it. the rest started coming in and rolling out their things. Jaemin and Chenle slept on myside. Jeno and Haechan on Renjun’s side and Jisung planted himself straight in the middle. “I can’t believe it.” Jaemin said laying down starfishing on his sleeping bag “so much room.”

“We don’t get to cuddle.” I said pretending to sound sad.

“What are you talking about. i’m gonna cuddle Jeno all night.” i heard Haechan say from the other side of the tent.

“YOU BETTER NOT!” Jeno said. and then they started fighting. At least I think, my eyes were closed i was so comfy.it was warm in the tent, it was really getting cold outside. “First to sleep has to build the fire and cook in the morning.” Renjun announced as he sat up and took out a deck of cards. We started our uno Marathon. It was already kind of late. The first few rounds were fun and exciting, then I started losing and getting tired.

“Look! y/n’s getting sleepy.” Jeno teased as I dozed off.

“I’m not.” I whined opening my eyes.

“I can go all night.” Haechan said excitedly

“We know!” we all said in varying stages of annoyance. Haechan was really a work of science, the boy barely slept and was still so energetic.

“I’ll have that food ready when you guys get up.” I said grumpily as I slid back into my corner of the tent. I faced towards the window so the glow of the lantern we had on wasn’t as bright. I put on my headphones and fell asleep listening to my favourite songs. I woke the next morning to see the sunlight coming through the crack in the window cover. I blindly rolled over and let my eyes adjust to the glow. I saw Jaemin sleeping right in front of me, at least I think it was jaemin, his head was covered. I looked and saw jisung beside him rolled up like a burrito and down to see chenle all spread out half off his sleeping bag. I heard Renjun lightly snoring above me. I couldn’t see where jeno and Haechan ended up. I reached around for my phone it was around 10. Perfect time to get up on a day off I thought. I tried my best to quietly get up, I was actually so warm in that tent. The sun shining warmed everything up. I quietly made my way out of the tent trying really hard not to step on anyone. I saw a glimpse of Jeno and Haechan in the back corner of the tent. Haechan clinging onto jeno for dear life. I couldn’t help the giggle the escaped. Jeno would die if he knew. I went and dug a bottle of water out of the cooler, I chugged half of it and started digging for our food. I took out the eggs, and instant rice we bought. I grabbed the kettle and filled it with some of our water. I walked back over to the fire and wondered how I would start it. I saw chenle doing it last night but did he make the sticks a certain way, did he use a match? why did he need that paper? I sat down on a chair trying to think back to how he did it. I heard rustling in the tent then as if on cue Chenle popped his head out and sleepily made his way over to our bathroom bushes. I waited for him to come back 

“You going back to bed?” I asked him as he sleepily approached me 

“Nah I’m up.” he said walking over to me, his morning voice something I’ve never heard before. 

“Good.” I said. “I need help.” I said looking up at him batting my eyes holding the matches out to him. he laughed as he took them. 

“You wanna learn?” He asked as he crouched down rubbing his eyes with one hand sliding the matches out of the box with the other, He pushed up his hoodie sleeves I noticed the bracelet I gave him at christmas still tied on his wrist. I nodded then crouched down beside him. “okay.” he said clearing his throat. “First we make the wood pile nothing too crazy, just enough to burn for a while. He said “then we take something small to burn first. In this case.” He said holding up the newspaper i had brought along “it’s paper, you take a small bit of this and then crumple it so then you light it and throw it into the smaller sticks underneath and then slowly the rest of the wood catches fire.” he said as he lit the newspaper.and threw it in. Sure enough there was smoke and small flames growing. 

“Wow.” I said and he turned to me and smiled. “Thank you.” I said he nodded then sat on the chair behind him. I stood up, I went over to get him a water bottle. I brought it back to him he looked up at me thankfully. he opened it and chugged all of it. “thirsty?” I asked he nodded. He was so sweet when it was just the two of us. I loved that he was this comfortable around me to let his little guard down. He’s told me all of his worries in the past. stuff only Jisung and I would probably ever know. He wasn’t just a spoiled rich kid. He lets people believe that about him sometimes. “It’s easier that way.” he said to me. He’s so incredibly passionate about everything he does but it seems like it all comes easy to him. Every one goes on about Haechan’s sunny demeanor but no one ever notices Chenle’s. I used to wonder it if was an act for him to be this happy and fun all the time. Then I realized he really loves what he does and who hes with. He wears his heart on his sleeve. These are all the things I’ve loved and will continue to love about him once I get over my phyisical attraction to him. don’t even get me started on that. I looked over at him as the fire grew before us. His hair catching the light just right, His face a little puffy from sleeping but that just made him cuter. his facial features delicate in a way. The way his hoodie hung on him slightly as it was too big for his growing frame. His little sweater paws. i smiled. He looked over at me 

“What?” He asked with a shy smile looking away 

“Nothing.” I said “You’re just a cutie.” I added teasing him. he blushed ten shades deep and looked away swatting his hand at me. I laughed “Thank you for the fire. i would have never done it.” I admitted 

“It’s no problem.” he said “I learned years ago.” He laughed as he thought back “my mom wanted me to know. you’re wife will thank you later in life.” she would tell me.” He laughed looking up at me through his eyelashes 

“lets’ hope your wife is as good a chef as me.” I said teasingly and he blushed again. He was so fun to tease. I went over to my pile of food and started getting it ready. I put the kettle on the fire and took out a frying pan. I started scrambling the egg’s in a big bowl. “you think they’ll get up anytime soon?” I asked him, he shrugged “this is enough for the two of us?” I asked him holding my bowl. He nodded. I poured them into the pan and cooked them til they were perfect. As if on cue the kettle slowly started it’s crescendo into screaming but Chenle stopped it before it could go full volume. i smiled a thanks at him. I took the eggs off and put them onto a paper plate. I Then opened two rice cups and poured the water in. I put the kettle off to the side.

“I’m starving” He said as we waited for the Rice to cook. I separated our eggs and got us cups of juice. Chenle and I sat beside each other sharing a small table between us. “let’s eat.” He said holding up his rice cup to me then digging in. It was so peaceful, the birds we’re chirping, The sun was shining but not beating down on us too hard that it was unbearable. The fresh air now mixed with the smell of our food. I looked up at Chenle between bites as he ate his food.”this is so good.” He said smiling at me. We slowly started talking about what he plans to do next time he goes to china, We talked about how much fun it would be if we all went out with him. He told me of all the places he wanted to show me. It was honestly so much fun just sitting and talking with him, He lit up when he talked about things he loved and that made me happy. I forgot it wasn’t a camping trip with just the two of us until Jaemin was suddenly behind Chenle. 

“Morning.” he smiled at me a huge smile and thumbs up from behind Chenle 

“Morning.” I said looking down

“Anything left for me?” He asked looking at our empty containers

“Yeah. coming right up.” I said, getting up to gather my cooking items. So much time had passed I put the kettle back on 

“I wasn’t interrupting was I?” he asked sitting down across from us pointing between Chenle and I yawning.

“we finished awhile ago.” I said trying to discreetly give him a dirty look. 

“Ah.” he said sitting back as Chenle tossed him a water bottle. I cooked him a bunch of scrambled eggs and let the kettle scream this time so everyone could wake up. After I took it off I heard a bunch of grumbling coming from the tent. I couldn’t help but laugh as one by one they all crawled out of the tent. 

“So are we swimming today?” Jisung asked excitedly as he ate.

“Yeah!” renjun said “The lake isn’t far from here.” 

“okay. Eat up then we’ll go.” I said. I had been saving a two piece suit forever, I always wore a one piece around them and they wore t-shirts too but i was almost an adult now I could wear what i wanted. I was too scared to wear it in actual public. “You guys go to the lake and change there i’ll come after.” I said as they all finished eating “I’ll clean up then meet you in like 15.” they all nodded and and gathered their things I could hear their banter slowly fade as I cleaned up all of our breakfast. I threw some water on the fire and went to change in the tent. I wasn’t as revealing as I had previously thought. The bottoms were almost shorts and the top was almost like a sports bra but it had cute little lacing up the middle. it would be perfect for the lake. I grabbed my towel and wrapped it around me, I felt self conscious as the breeze his all my exposed skin. I grabbed Haechan’s speaker and some bottles of water and made my way in the direction they had left. I  wasn’t walking long before I could hear them all playing around screaming. I walked closer and closer to the sound then I finally smelled the freshness of the lake. I could see it in the distance all of their heads floating around. 

“HEY!” I yelled out. they all turned and waved, only their heads poking out. I waved back “is it cold?” U asked 

“No! Just get in here!” Haechan said. I put my things down and laid my towel out. I turned to see all of them staring at me. Different unreadable expressions Jisung looking down and anywhere but at me, I sighed, Teenage boys. of all times for them to notice me it’s now. 

“You bought that when we went to the mall?” Jeno asked confused

“No” i said making way towards the water and jumping in “I’ve had this for years.” I said popping up and pushing my hair back “I’ve been too scared to wear it but it’s just us.” I said 

“In that case.” Jaemin said making his way to the shore. He got out to about his knees then flung the t-shirt the clung to him off and made his way back in 

“He didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.” Jisung said floating on his back

”Jaemin make me uncomfortable?” I laughed as he came over and shoved me over. I splashed him back but ended up hitting Haechan behind the head he then came over and shoved me under the water. I came back out and then we started chasing each other all over the water. We played around for a few hours before I was exhausted and needed a drink. I went over to the shore and laid out my towel. I sat on it bringing my knees close to my chest as I drank some water. I looked out at the boys. Chenle and jisung  and Haechan we’re still playing with each other. Renjun was floating around living his best life and Jaemin and Jeno made their way towards me. 

“You brought the speaker!” Jeno said excitedly as he sat beside me splashing me in the process. I protested and shoved him over as he shook his hair at me. “Give me your phone!” he said as he fiddled around with the speaker. it wasn’t long before he had songs playing on the speaker for all to hear. They all turned in our direction and started making their way over to us. It wasn’t long before we were all laying on the lake shore, music blasting, The shade of the tree above protecting us from the hot sun that shone down.We lazed around on the shore all afternoon. It was late afternoon, We should be heading back for food sooner or later. I sat up 

“Anyone hungry?” i asked. They all said no. 

“i want to go back in the water, We should have brought a ball or something.” Jisung said. as they all agreed in varying stages of laziness. 

“Lets go then!” I said standing up and running into the water. Jisung followed suit. the were a few rocks so we were chasing each other back and forth to those seeing who could swim faster then that brought everyone else into the water. I washed away all of my impending worries in those moments. Living in the moment as the summer faded around us. Times I will remember for the rest of my life. The smiles of each of these boys that mean the world to me. The time where all we had was each other and we knew we’d be okay. I sat up on a rock and looked out at them. The same boys i knew at 14 now almost adults. So much we’ve been through but so much to go through yet. So many feelings and experiences to explore. So much life to live and i’m grateful to live it with them.  

[flowerboyethan]

Goodnite Socialite

Chapter 1: "Difficult For Me To Do, Quiet The Brain"

We all go through phases in our lives, right? There's ups and downs, high and lows, it's all part of the human existence.

Human existence seems subpar as of lately.

This voice has crawled into my head and made a home, filling my thoughts with nothing but negativity, sucking my motivation dry. I've done nothing but wake up, record a video, send it to my editor, and then crawl back in bed. I've been stuck in this damn routine for the past month, and people have noticed. What could I do? This voice refused to give me a break.

Luckily, Mark hasn't given up on me. Last week, we proposed a plan, a plan to create a channel to end in one year. He told me it might bring my motivation back, and I couldn't agree more. He dragged me out of bed today to record one video for Unus Annus and then drag me to some bar to watch his friend perform.

"A break from your routine would help," Mark had said as he dropped me off at my house to get ready. "Get you back on your feet."

I didn't want to be out in public, and certainly not inside a crowded bar. But Mark was right, I needed a break, I should push myself to get out.

I stood in front of my closet now, filing through different shirts to wear. Something nice, but not too nice. I glanced at my yellow hoodie.

A hoodie makes you look like a slob, the voice mocked.

I moved on to a long-sleeve.

Plain.

I huffed, grabbing a random shirt. It was a button-up, red, yellow, and blue geometric shapes against a grey background.

There was no snarky comment from the voice.

I put it on, shrugging in the mirror. I looked good, but I couldn't let myself admit it.

I texted Mark, letting him know I was ready. I gave Spencer a scoop of food, gave him a quick pat and headed out the door. Mark smiled as I hopped in the car.

"Lookin' good, man!" He exclaimed, backing out of the driveway.

"Thanks, where's Amy?" I asked. Amy was supposed to join us, but she wasn't in the car.

"Already there. She's helping Salem set up."

"Salem?"

"The friend you're going to meet."

I nodded. "That's a badass name."

"Fits her personality, too. She's sweet, just a little…" he paused. "Out there."

"What do you mean?"

"You know how I have a big ego?"

"All too well, my friend."

He ignored my comment. "She's that and then some."

I winced.

"You'll like her better than most people she's associated with."

He was making her sound like a bad person. I started to regret leaving my house. I wasn't up for dealing with a bigger ego than Mark's.

"She's a socialite," he continued. "She just does this cover band thing for fun."

I kept quiet. A socialite. So, she's rich. I hated the rich.

"Listen, man," Mark sighed, picking up on my silence. "You know me, I'd never be friends with someone that I didn't think was a good person. Amy's known her since they were teenagers. She's a good person. I didn't mean to give you a bad impression of her."

"It's okay," I finally spoke up. "I just don't know if I have the energy to meet someone like her."

Mark nodded in response, pulling into the bar's parking lot. It wasn't too packed, but we had to park a ways away from the door. We spotted Amy near the center of the bar, sitting at a small round table with several baskets of fries and a few beers.

"Hey!" She greeted us as we sat down. "You're just in time, they're starting in a few minutes." She slid a basket of fries and a beer bottle to me. "These are from Salem."

I was being buttered-up already by someone I haven't met yet. I smiled, masking away the truth. "Tell her thank you."

"You tell her yourself," Amy sipped on her own drink. "She wants to meet you after the show."

Puzzled, I asked why.

"'Any friend of Mark and Amy is a friend of mine' she said to me. And she always loves meeting new people."

"And she likes to show off," Mark piped up through a mouthful of fries.

Amy rolled her eyes. "Yeah, that's true. She can be a bit flirtatious, but she means well."

A flirtatious, egotistical, narcissist. A perfect reason to get out of the house. I sighed, looking down at my fries. Was I really stubborn enough to not eat these just because she bought them for me? I've barely eaten anything for the past month, I guess a few fries wouldn't hurt.

The lights flickered up on stage, drawing my eyes to a woman adjusting her base strap on her shoulders.

She looks pretentious, the voice mocked again. For the first time, I disagreed. She was stunning, dressed in a Hawaiian shirt tucked into her jeans. All my previous thoughts of her faded away. She was graceful but powerful in the stage lights, as if she belonged in the spotlight.

"Good evening, everyone!" The woman on stage purred in a singsong voice, placing her round glasses on top of her head to keep her wavy hair back. "Welcome to tonight's show!"

The crowd cheered as the rest of the band walked on stage.

"If you are new, my name is Salem. This is Melanie." She gestured to the soft-looking keyboard player who blew a kiss to the crowd. "Pike," an androgynist guitarist winked. "And Vivian," the drummer danced in her with her drumsticks in hand. "And we are Witch Haven!"

"Witch Haven?" I leaned closer to Amy, questioning the band name.

"An homage to her ancestors," she whispered back. "They were witches during the Salem Witch Trials. She gets her name from that, too."

"Really?"

"Yes, now hush!" She waved me off with a smile.

Salem continued to speak upfront. "We have a few covers lined up for you tonight, starting with Goodnight Socialite by The Brobecks." A few people in the crowd cheered. "Mel? Will you start us off?"

Their show began. For a cover band, they played well together, and didn't try to outshine the original artist. Salem, the lead singer, sang beautifully, and I could hardly look away.

Halfway through the song, her eyes landed on me. The anxiety that I had felt this whole month increased. My stomach turned, my palms sweating. Every time I glanced back at her after taking a swig of my beer, there her eyes were, dark, and fixed on me. I gulped, and she must have noticed. She winked at me. Was she into me? I felt myself give into that idea.

You think she'd ever be with a loser like you? The voice shot me down. You? She's rich, Ethan. She has no interest in you. Why would she ever be into you?

I covered my ears, trying to drown it out. Would this ever end? This low-point? Would I ever get a break. It was a mistake leaving my house, I should have protested to Mark more. I should be at home, with my dog, curled up in bed while I wallow in misery.

"Ethan?" Mark's voice interrupted my thoughts. "Ethan, are you okay?"

I paused, what could I say? They both knew what was wrong with me, so why ask?

"Is it too loud?" Amy asked.

I nodded, a good excuse.

"The next song is quieter. Or do you want to go home?"

I shook my head. Something in me wanted to stay, to possibly talk to Salem. Maybe I had a chance despite what the voice said.

After an hour, the band finished their show, and the bar started to clear out. Mark left to go talk to the band, Amy headed for the restroom, leaving me alone at the table with an empty beer bottle and a basket of fries. I watched Mark disappear backstage, I was truly alone in the bar now. Should I wait by the car? Do I wait here? I didn't know what to do.

Salem walked out from backstage, beginning to pack away the instruments and cords.

You should leave.

I stood up.

Leave! Now!

My feet involuntarily started towards the stage.

What are you doing?! What do you think will come of this?

I reached the stage, Salem’s back turned to me.

She doesn’t see you. You can still turn away and-

“Salem?”

She turned around, her shoes squeaking against the floor. She smiled, her tongue sticking out a bit. “Hello,” she cooed, crouching to meet my eyes. “And who might you be?”

Hazelnut. Her eyes were the color of hazelnuts. “I, uh- I’m Ethan.”

“Ethan!” Her eyes started to sparkle. “Amy told me about you. Come, come!” she stuck her hand out, waiting to pull me up onstage with her. “Any friend of Mark and Amy is a friend of mine.”

I took her hand, pushing off the ground with my foot to climb up. She fixed the collar of her Hawaiian shirt, shaking it out a bit. “How did you like my show?” She took her glasses off her head, cleaning them on her shirt.

“Oh, it- it was incredible,” I fumbled my words a bit, trying not to look at her stomach that was slightly exposed.

“Ah! Good!” She placed her glasses on her face. “I love meeting new fans. Now, do you have a favorite part, dear Ethan?”

My heart jumped. “Well, I- uh…”

She tilted her head a bit. “You seem so nervous! Is everything alright?”

“I'm- I'm just going through this anxious episode, thing.”

Stop talking.

“Oh, you poor thing!” She grabbed my hands, holding them close to her chest, causing me to stumble forward slightly. “I do hope my show helped!”

“It- it did! It did!” I stuttered. God, I couldn’t think straight. “It’s just that-”

“Did I upset you somehow?” She started to lean closer, concern covering her face.

Spit it out.

“You were making eyes at me!”

Salem dropped my hands, taking a step back. “I was doing what?” Her singsong voice disappeared.

You shouldn't have said that. 'Making eyes at me'? Who even says that? She winked at you, nothing more, you idiot.

“I was sitting near the back, and you couldn’t take your eyes off me, and-”

“Oh!” She started laughing. “Oh, no, my dear Ethan. My girlfriend was sitting in the back. I was making eyes at her!”

Every ounce of hope left my body.

“You must have been sitting in front of her,” Salem continued. “Her name’s Cherry. I love her to death.”

“You- you must be- you must have been- been together for a while, then?” I stuttered, shoving my sweaty hands into my pockets.

“Five years!” Her eyes lit up, clasping her hands together. “I couldn’t be happier. She always takes off after my gigs, though,” she stood on her toes, peering over me to scan the room. “She’s a busy woman, taking calls left and right. I’m proud of her!”

“I’m happy for you,” I cleared my throat, rubbing the back of my neck. “Look, I’m really sorry for thinking-”

“Don’t be!” She took up my hands again, just like before. “You are so sweet and respectful, Ethan. Stuff like this happens more often than you’d think!”

“Wha- really?”

She nodded vigorously, her glasses slipping down her nose a smidge. “Some guys will straight up try to kiss me after a show without even asking. Pike will have to step in and throw ‘em out.”

“I’m so sorry that happens to you,” I was itching to leave now. I felt my stomach turning.

“But you are a gem, Ethan. Will you come to my next show?”

“When is it?” I was filling in words to get this over with. I had to leave.

She shrugged. “It’s never set in stone.”

“I’ll try my best, then,” I pulled my hands away. “I gotta go. It was so nice to meet you, Salem.” I hopped off the stage, speeding towards the door, hardly hearing Salem call after me.

“Goodbye, Ethan! Lovely to meet you!”

I stumbled through the exit, sprinting towards Mark’s car. I fell to the ground, dry heaving into the ditch. The parking lot was almost empty now, only a few cars parked on the other side.

I’m an idiot. A loser. How could I be so stupid to even think of talking to Salem? Let alone think she even had a desire to be with me. Of course, she was in a relationship. Of course, she had a girlfriend. Just my luck, falling for a girl who had no desire to even be with a boy.

Since when did I start crying?  I stopped dry heaving at this point. I sat on my thighs, knees digging into the dirt, sobbing into my hands.

“I’m such an idiot,” I choked on a tear. “Look at me, crying in a bar parking lot. Pathetic.”

“Ethan? Ethan!”

Oh, god. It’s Mark.

Mark grabbed my shoulders from behind me, gently pulling me to his chest. I kept my face in my hands. “Ethan, what is going on?”

“Ethan.” I heard Amy’s voice next to me. She started rubbing my arm with one hand, the other on my knee. “Ethan, everything’s gonna be alright.”

I whimpered, shaking my head, still covering my face. “No, it not.” I pulled away from Mark and Amy. I had nothing more to say. Everything was going wrong. This low-point, it felt like my world was ending. I wanted this voice gone, I wanted my motivation back, I wanted this anxiety to leave. I shouldn't have come here. I shouldn't have spoken to Salem. I should never leave my house again.

They were silent for a moment, Amy rubbing my back as I hunched over, crying.

“Do you want to go home?” Mark asked, his voice soft.

I nodded.

“Will you be fine alone?” Amy chimed in.

I nodded.

“Let’s get you up,” Mark coaxed, placing his arm around my waist and a hand in mine. I never protested as he lifted me up and brought me to the car door. I usually would, claiming that I could do it myself. I was too tired to protest.

So tired…