#I've been so fucking ill lately
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I've been suffering with a chest infection and then a cold, probably something else and my ears just popped and oh my god I can hear colours
#we don't talk about the near on 16 hours of sleep last night...#I've been so fucking ill lately#it's cleared up since wednesday which is good#after tomorrow though I do have two weeks off#no waking up at 8am for an on call shift and not getting called in#two weeks to do whatever the fuck i want without work#haaaaaaa
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Cap's got a new voice claim! feat. a tiny bit of Sparrows n her's unchanged vc because 1. it's cute to hear them together and 2. I snorted. The vibes are so different
[songs: So Familiar by Jean Castel and Driving Myself Home by Rose Betts]
#rw#oc tag#oc: caper of euros#oc: three sparrows#philosophy sessions au#ramble time. kai ninyago as Capie of Rossie wasn't Bad but i've been working on him lately- like looking into his faults their causes their#-evolution and what role he's supposed to play beyond Row's death (esp. in Preacher's life (Euros manages to be terrifying for the kid))#n i came to the conclusion that he didn't sound Sharp enough. and bratty but like in a teenager boy band kind of way. oh he'd hate that-#-kinda music </3 fuckin european posh kid#the ''tragedy'' of 'Ros on here is that back when i was answerin questions with the chars 'Ros n 'Row were constantly together and that-#-didn't allow them to really show who they are because they bring out the best in each other. Sparrows is braver with him having her back-#-and he's not a rude fucker (one of the reasons i turned off asks is cuz i figured they weren't actually helpful. only stressed me out n-#-as result the world/character building became lackluster)#Euros is still a silly guy who's scared to hurt someone/thing physically! (his inspos are kai ninyago s0kka and kuzc0 so)#but ill be damned if i let any of my characters be *just* a silly guy that is fucking obnoxious#each of these fuckers is a psychological experiment. also sick shit: new 'Ros vc is french apparently :)#he can sing Zephyr songs in Her Tongue™... get it anime chin boy get that multilinguality
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#one piece live action#opla#nami#one piece nami#opla nami#nojiko#one piece nojiko#opla nojiko#portrait#watercolor#my art#BLEGH that's tags. anw#i've not rlly wanted much to do w op or its fanbase for a long time despite being attached to it but#an artist i rlly like has been posting some of it lately and it got me thinking abt the netflix show again#and yeah. them...#if they do more i rlly wanna see who they cast as robin aaaa#they couldn't fix some fundamentally fucked stuff from op but the casting helps so much it's lovely#if i do any more ill prolly draw luffy. my boy 🥺🥺🥺
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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What does a normal relationship even feel like
#not even just romantic#I've been feeling so mentally ill and fucked up lately I feel like I've never had a normal relationship ever#platonic or otherwise#maybe one friendship is normal and that's with my irl bestie#other than that though my life feels like a dumpster fire rn#everything feels weeeirrrd#riah speaks
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ended up clearing a bunch of stuff off the bed to make it easier to sort stuff out later and I think I feel worse now because our room looks different in a way that for some reason is triggering flashbacks to stuff from years ago and I don't know why
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#I maybe wouldn't be freaking out as bad if I wasn't already completely overwhelmed with everything#we've been in so much pain lately we're back on the same amount of pain medication as we were in June#and I'm having a really hard time with both the pain and the medication side effects#and we've been ill a lot and stressed over trying to fix everything that went to shit over the summer#and our energy levels are completely fucked#and now we have to use up our energy fixing this issue#and I still don't know how we're gonna do that without ending up in a situation where we have a breakdown because of our OCD#and right now I'm in a lot of pain because I was trying to grab pain meds and that's when the bed gi fucked up#so I panicked enough that the adrenaline blocked out the pain and I was distracted with this shit and forgot to actually take the meds#and because I was panicking I overexerted without thinking and now my whole back is spasming#and we already had a migrine which is now worse from the panicking and overexerting#and I've just noticed that we're hallucinating which is probably from stress#I need to take the pain meds but I'm laid down and I'm so dizzy I feel like I'll topple over if I sit up
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sniffs. man. i really want this job :(
#misc#TLDR:#a recruiter calls me coupla weeks ago; says she wants me on their production - and in that same exact call ends up saying#“oh actually i'm not sure you fit. this might not happen” cuz she actually read my resume this time.... while on call with me?#how about you take a proper gander at my resume before calling me to offer me a job and then change your mind....#ended the call saying “contact me again on January 8th if you're still interested and i'll see if i can squeeze you in as a junior”#(which. okay. first off why would you have to ���squeeze me in” when you actively called me for the job.#Also i'm not a junior. but sure we'll see what the pay is like)#so i contacted her on the 8th and she was like haha actually i doubt we'll have any spots left for you! smiling emoji#and just earlier rn she sent me a new DM asking if i have an updated portfolio since the one they have is from 3yrs ago#so she revived a little bit of hope i know i shouldnt have cuz i HIGHLY doubt they'll hire me for this prod given how things have been goin#its late now i doubt ill get any news one way or another before sometime next week (hopefully)#ugh...... i really want this job man.#i've had too many feature film opportunities slide from my grasp. please let me have this#having this one experience will make it easier to get hired for more. i'm fucking begging on my knees
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ohh the joy of videos and streams... i like listening to people talk about things they like/think about it’s very contagious... 🥺
#lizzy speaks#THIS IS BROUGHT TO U BY THE MINATO BRAINCELLS SHAKING BACK AND FORTH..#so so many of my interests feel like they're in some kind of hibernation lately in terms of the emotions they evoke#my brains been mostly gravitating towards formulating strategies and trying new things in splatoon right now... LOL.. so i havent thought-#a whole bunch about other things i like even if they do mean a lot to me..#so i really appreciate being around other people who really like the things that they like because its infectious and reminds me why-#i enjoy those characters / ships / whatever else#like oh... ryomina.. minato.. ryoji... i love them very much and i like hearing other people express their appreciation for them#also yosuke.... i like hearing my friends talk about yosuke his characters a very fun one for me even if i never took the time 2 personally#analyze him its just very nice to be around that kind of energy! im so grateful!#related but unrelated squid school made a video about the splatoon manga... which i havent thought abt in a month or two#yet somehow watching that revitalized my sleeping lil braincell that loves vintage coroika...#IDK i just feel like lately ive gotten to be around a very contagious positive energy of people who appreciate stuff and i like that!!#mayb ill stream again... something about talking about things out loud and not over text evokes a certain kind of insanity#i like to draw to express my love 4 the things i've come across but sometimes i think too much abt the quality.. LOL#so maybe ill just go FUCK IT we ball!! better to draw than to not draw at all. or ill just stream 2 outlet the 'hehe i love so many things'#there is so much love stored in my heart it hurts i lov So many Things and I love Being reminded of that god i love people loving things!!!
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ello ello again! work's picking up with a vengeance and i have been in & out of the hospital recently, so once again i have been queueing replies. (the latest batch should start posting today.) i'm also going to work on polishing up my multi when i find the time, so if y'all ever want to send things over there, feel free. i'm hoping that things will settle down by the end of the week and i'll be able to be actively active around here again, crossed fingers.
if i haven't replied to something in a hot minute and you're wondering if i'm still down, please don't hesitate to poke me about it! i don't drop threads a whole lot, so chances are good it's in the queue somewhere.
thanks for being patient with me y'all. <3
#( ooc. ) OUT OF CIGS.#academia and chronic illness crushing my soul? it's more likely than you think#it's also storming like a motherfucker. golly. weird times at the el royale#once i can wrangle these symptoms into line and polish off some deadlines i'll have more time to kick it#and in the meantime my hellblazer oc's have been Massively consuming my brain lately#i've written like 5 pages for klavier's backstory & now i'm thinking about adding jallakuntilliokan's twin half to the roster#ANYWAY i miss this loser man so much and i miss all y'all lovely folks. hope everyone is doing well!!#also: 2 weeks until the next dead in america issue!! LET'S FUCKING GOOO#sched.
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The want to go into tags for stuff vs okay but I could just leave the queue completely empty for a few days and take a nap instead vs go on go draw/write that angst content that you've been sitting on :) vs go replay Shield cause you actually enjoy that game a lot
#unsurprisingly the winner is dynasty warriors /j#nah I've been given many opportunities to just straight info dump about dynasty warriors lately and it's made me so fucking happy#curing mental illness is just letting me infodump about my favorite childhood video game#data log: personal
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🦋
i got the sweetest email from someone i did a reading for, and it made me tear up because i'm a giant baby, lmao.
#i've been doing online readings for extra cash lately&everyone has been so sweet.#i have lucked out hard on the ppl who want me to read for them lmao i know my luck wont last forever#buuut ill take whatever luck i can get#&after too much time in one service -type job or another its really cool to have ppl actually be grateful for the work i do#even if its just reading cards lmao.#doing personal blind-reads however is never gonna not be super nerve wracking LMAO what the hell happens when someone finally tells me#i was way the fuck off lmao. anxietyyyyyyyyyyy.#messages like this makes it worth tho. :)#gratitude journal#yas
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the last remaining threads of my sanity are slipping through my fingers rn 🚬 😑
#i'm out of cigarettes i'm incredibly ill and i'm reconsidering my relationship to a certain fandom.#look i'm NOT saying i'm gonna stop the divorce proceedings but uh. fuck. i may have been re reading some of my older works and unfinished#fics and i MAY. i repeat MAY. have some tiny shred of interest posting about st*r w*rs again#motherfucker i'm SO hesitant to speak that into existence and will be absolutley APOPLECTIC if it happens bc i don't fucking WANNA like sw!#i divorced it! i took the kids (my ocs) & filed a restraining order & crossed state lines & broke all contact and yet! and fucking yet!!!!#i find myself in tags i havent visited in over two years on the archive like some beaten dog slinking back home to a shitty master#i honestly hate like. fucking ALL of the shit i've written from then that i reread and some of it was so bad i couldnt even bring myself to#click on it after reading the summary. like. UGH! i have a half baked fic idea i wrote a little for and i think it's more compelling than#any of the literal dogshit i posted back then so i MIGHT work on polishing that up and posting something that isn't actual garbage by my#current standards. all of this is still up in the air tho bc i dont know if the hyperfixation or even the bare minimum lvl of interest has#returned or if it's just fever induced delirium. i've been having INCREDIBLY fucked up bad horrible awful vivid dreams as of late so fever#induced brain fuckery isn't out of the question. sigh. i'm so mad abt this#even if i do regain some interest in the fandom i don't think i'll have any interest in new source material after the mando s2 finale &#tbo.bf sucking ass & the obi show being mid & everything with the ST. i plan on watching ando.r but after that? zero interest in anything#new from sw. so. if anyone still reading this and is getting excited abt me POSSIBLY MAYBE being interested in sw just know i still hate it#a bit and feel like i'm being dragged kicking and screaming back into this mess unwillingly. or it's due to a fever. god i need a smoke#len speaks#that's literally the longest tag rant i've ever gone on. fuck that's a BAD sign
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HELP help one moment i'm like hm it's late and i have other things to do but i have an idea for a doodle the next it's 5 am and among many others i have finished Rick sanchez they tried to put me on the cover of vogue.. but my legs were toooo lawng (what this page has to be named) (it has to be named that)
#I'VE BEEN LET LOOSE this cannot continue#when they said creativity is adjacent to mental illness i was like pfft fuck you but frankly now i feel there is some truth to that#like what is this. it's possession#i had four more ideas while brushing my teeth and now i gotta SKETCH THEM?#no fair!!! no fair it's nighty night time. it's beddy bye. it's so late my stomach is eating itself#but i have to or the images stay inside and start floating around and bothering different organs#kata.txt
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woke up with a fever of 101.4
i literally cannot catch a fucking break 🙃
#grabbed water and crackers and took some acetaminophen#going to try and sleep more after i eat a little & check my temp when i get up#i havent been eating much lately so my stomach discomfort makes sense#and the nausea#doesnt mean i dont fucking hate it#my cheeks are really warm and i'm quite pale so i'm p sure i look like a victorian doll but one from a thrift store#like a quote unquote well-loved one#you know what i'm talking about#except i am not actually a well-loved doll i am a tolerable ill cryptid#coming to haunt a wooded area near you#listen. i thought i was on the verge of a manic-adjacent episode but maybe i've just BEEN sick and didnt put the pieces together#maison speaks#it's 4 in the fucking morning#why
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AND I WANT TO KNOW MY FATE
IF I KEEP UP THIS WAY
AND IT'S HARD TO WANT TO STAY
AWAKE
#death cab for cutie#bixby canyon bridge#tw caps#caps tw#ugh#the song is just so poignant#i got back from vacation and I've gotta start packing to move into my new apartment saturday#god i just wanna talk to The Man I'm Mentally Ill About#I also on the car ride back home found out i have a grey hair??#I'm 19 btw.#wtf?? how?#I have been feeling really productive lately#so there is that!#but I'm also anxious abt finding a solid reliable way to make an income as a disabled person#having a disability (multiple) fucking sucks!#weather update#me when i#me? putting edgy lyrics on my tumblr vent blog? no. never.
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call the hairdresser and call the mediator because the way i'm splitting to the fucking ends right now
#babes i'm so sorry about it i'm SO sorry about it but i don't think we can blame this one on the period craziness anymore#i've not even been that mentally ill lately but my friend said we like can't hang out before he goes back to school#AND my sister doesn't want to hang out tn and i'm genuinely like? i'm going to break my fucking phone#like okay i'll just kill myself. whatever. i'm becoming super fucking toxic it's really bad#obviously i don't say this shit this is internal i'm not gonna push for anything that's super fucked#but like. ohhhh my God the rage i'm feeling right now. i need to kill someone#literally why am i like this. no explanation no anything i'm just like this? who fucked me over though like what happened#what's my tragic backstory i've got nothing i'm literally just crazy#he's not even answering my fucking texts anymore like tell me to die. pussy. do it. do it! fuck w me right now#and i was so nice i literally was like. hey no worries how's your summer been what's been going on!#i'm watching more youtube within the last 10 minutes of checking my phone i've almost thrown up and thrown it twice#do you think people try to fuck me over. do you think that's a thing. like they're testing me#if you showed me some of my old online friends right now the way i would rip them into pieces#my girlfriend's been pissed lately too like it's my two best friends riding for me and nobody else#oh he replied fucking great. shooting myself in the head i'm so manic pixie for this i'm so fixing him right now#i'm not he's got a girlfriend. but like. whatever. could've been me & i think about that when i'm mad#i do not like him but me and her are literally the exact same she's just prettier and smarter and i'm more of a good person#not right now though. i need to loop someone gets hurt from mean girls until i'm fucking normal#neg#vent#suicide tw
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