#I've been meaning to make this game for a long time honestly. scroll down this blog and you'd find me babbling abt it lol

[throwaway-yandere]

@genshinotome :: I played the demo and it's so INTERESTING! You did really good with it and I loved the references to other otome games :D!!

I'm very impressed with what you've got so far and very excited to see more ^^

[The yandere otome game diluc VN demo]

Uwahhh thank you!!! Btw everyone pls check out @genshinotome cuz their game looks really awesome and incredibly aesthetically pleasing!!! The premise of their game is definitely intriguing with how there's a new nation in genshin please do check their work too <3

Also just me and phitre's idiocy here lol:

[smallestapplin]

Hellooo! Good evening or um good morning so yea I was watching G1 transformers and canonically mirage is like loaded like he's from the upper class. So I um immediately thought that he's sugar daddy material. Like man only picks the finest/expensive cars even from G1. So I'm asking for like um sugar daddy mirage with a human female reader and since he doesn't know how to woo her, he practically buys her attention and time. Like he enjoys watching her spend his money. Casually suggesting that a top that he sees while she's scrolling on her phone and says that it would fit her and that she should buy it. Coincidentally, the color of the top matches his paint. Omg I've made this long huhu now I feel shy. 😿😿

Wait this is actually so cute and funny, I love it. I hope I did this right for you!💖

-

-

Mirage isn’t use to human ways of living and courtship, but he tries so hard to be friendly and welcoming, he wants you to know he’s safe to go to for anything! But falling for you wasn’t on that list, you’re such a tiny thing compared to him, he’s worried he’ll hurt you.

But how could he not? You’re so funny, so kind, always helping him learn more about your culture and Earth in general, even if that means he won’t ever live down calling a trees ‘organic speed stoppers’, but your laughter made it all the more worth it to embarass himself.

Mirage isn’t sure how to court you the human way, so why not his way? It’s not like he can ask anyone either, lest the tell you or make fun of him for falling for a human.

He shows off, racing Sunstreaker and Sideswipe often, doing dangerous stunts, taking sharp turns, making sure he’s flashy enough for you in his alt mode. He lives for your cheers, lives on your priase. The twins know what he’s doing, it’s what ever racer does to gain the affection of someone.

Yet you don’t pick up on that, you gush over him sure, telling him how cool that was! How cool he is! But it doesn’t seem to click, not that Mirage can fault for you that, you’ve never had anyone court you like that.

So, why not gifts? Gifts are a universal love language that can’t go wrong!

“Mirage, you really didn’t have to get me anything, being with you is more than enough.”

How you have him wrapped around your tiny organic digit, making him swoon and spark pulse.

“It’s no problem, really! I wanna show you how much I care about you, so it wasn’t difficult to find a way to buy things for ya!”

He’s too kind, even bought everything himself after hacking (very easily) into your phone and used his own funds to spoil you. Until he got a com from you the day all the packages arrived.

“How many things did you buy me!?”

“Eh, it wasn’t costly so I don’t really remember.”

“Wasn’t costly? Mirage, this must’ve cost my life’s savings!”

You thank him over and over and over again, but he doesn’t mind, always smiling at you and simply asking if you liked what he bought you. It makes your cheeks burn when he does that, asking so sweetly, honestly you might think he’d have an ulterior motive.

The skirts, the dresses, the tops all ranging fm cozy to cute to flirty, pants much the same, he’s even bought you expensive consoles, games, and even things you complained about needing to replace or needing in general.

Each time you cry he doesn’t need to buy you anything, yet the large bot just looks at you with hearts in his optics telling you it’s fine.

Soon nearly sixty percent of your outfits are all things he’s bought you, like a silent claim over you, you can’t move in your home without being reminded of him.

But then that top came in, the one he had been waiting for, and once it did he didn’t bother trying to hide his want to see it. He sits in your drive way in his alt mode, awaiting to see how you look, and by the all spark he’s nt disapppointed.

“Does it look okay?”

You aren’t exactly a big fan of crop tops, but the high waisted jeans you are wearing cover you enough to feel comfortable. The crop top itself is loose and flowy, honestly you could see yourself wearing it around more in the house.

It’s mainly blue with tie dyed black, white, and red, matching his colors perfectly.

You look stunning.

You jump a little, hearing his engines rev loudly. You laugh softly at the display.

“I take it you like it?”

“Remind me to get you a sporty top in those colors.” He sounds near breathless.

“My, Mirage, if i didn’t know any better I’d say you just want us to match.” You tease, laughing at how his engine outright purrs at your words.

Oh, if only you knew how right you were.

Matching, like a couple, like the couple he desperately wants you two to be, loudly claiming you as his.

[friendlybowlofsoup]

Another Update

Hello Friends,

I have a rather long (but optimistic!) update to share with you all today. As many of you are probably tired of reading these kind of posts, I have a TL;DR here, but I did want to share what has been on my mind in that past half-year that I haven't been here.

It has been rough, and busy as always, but I think I'm finally facing myself and my project for the first time in a very long time.

TL;DR (it's actually long, I have a lot to say (*_ _)人)

I soul-searched and decided to stop compromising on my own feelings with regards to this project. I gave in to everything I wanted to do.

Plot changes, which means some character changes, which means some of the demo is outdated.

GotRM will be switching over to Twine.

----

OH MAN DID I SUFFER THE LAST FEW MONTHS

After my previous update, I hunkered down and really analyzed how I wanted to proceed with GotRM as a project. Because even prior to that post, I had already been going through long periods of hiatuses (which you are all aware of), and while I didn't lie about school taking up my time, I was also harboring a growing dissatisfaction with my own writing that really killed my progress for a long time.

So after everything had settled, I sat down and forced myself to peel apart my work. I know I said I would answer asks, but I uninstalled all of my social media and put aside this blog to focus. I made a note of all the things I liked and didn't like, and I made a list of things I wanted to change or improve on. The biggest point was that I also looked at my efficiency during actual writing sessions: how much of my time was spent writing vs. fighting with code? How could I change that?

And after a lot of deliberation, I figured there were a few things I had to change from the ground up, summed up in four points:

My working style was super incompatible with grad school. I can't spend 20-30 minutes scrolling up and down CSIDE checking code or looking for narratives while also jumping between chapters to make sure events line up. As this story grows, the more difficult it becomes to keep track of all the branches, so I needed an alternative working method, which I am adhering to now, and it prioritizes efficiency.

I hated the way I was tracking and coding stats in-game. I have griped so much about coding stats, and I have adhered to such a rigid style that I really felt trapped whenever I was confronted with balancing them out. So I'm throwing that to the wind and redoing how I utilize and convey them. Player-side, this decision doesn't change much since I never fully utilized stats in the demo anyway, and the stats page with indicators will still exist, but I'm getting rid of stat bars and how I treat stat checks.

The story I want to write now is different from the one I started out with. I've known for a while that GotRM was becoming far more than the tiny, wishful novella that I wrote as a teenager. I held onto that old story for a long time, but there's just so much I want to change that I realized I'd been clinging to a story I no longer enjoyed writing. So I spent the majority of the last few months rewriting GotRM from scratch. I redid some worldbuilding, I changed a lot of plot points, and I fixed a lot of characters' backstories accordingly. This meant scrapping stuff from even the demo, but that turned out to not be the biggest issue because:

I wanted to branch away from ChoiceScript. Honestly, I never really cared about getting officially published, but the camaraderie in the forums and on Tumblr were why I committed to CS and CoG. However, ultimately, I really want the functionality that other tools can offer GotRM, and so after a long internal debate, I will be switching over to Twine. Fortunately, since I was rewriting everything anyways, this has been relatively painless, and passage mapping has made everything so much neater. I am trying my best to make it up to chapter 2 before I release the new demo, so please look forwards to that!

And so yes, I am still here, chugging along.

I love this game and this story: it's been my creative escape for as long as I could remember, and you can imagine how frustrated I was when I realized I was starting to dread working on it.

I am forever learning more about myself and my writing style, and this is simply more of that journey. Thank you everyone for sticking around, for joining the discord, and for checking up on me--that I have all of you has truly been a dream.

Hopefully more updates to come soon! I understand that there may be questions about these new changes, so please ask away! I will (try) to release some asks that I've been working on in the drafts too, but I will wait until at least tomorrow to release them so that this post doesn't get drowned out immediately.

And as always, with a lot of love,

FriendlyBowlofSoup (Mei)

[orangepeelshortbreadcookies]

Hello!!! sorry i jum in here but i saw many post of your as a polin pen hater. You can hate what you want of course but its necessary to lie just to hate a character because of her body??? it wasnt that bad, she was not mean.

yes, what she did telling the ton marinas secret was not the best choise but it was what she thought it was the only way. Do you all wish for colin a marriage with not love?? and in a more practical way this is fiction and we all now he was going t end with pen , they are end game and thi is romance, its suppouse to be romantic that theu found each other, and for me it is. She didnt told marina secret because she wants colin for herself , she never thought she cold have him. maybe yo dont understand this but we, fat girls who are foung unattractive NEVER expect love or having a man, even less somone like colin. I think you, as many sadly, jugdge Pen actions too strong and deep down its all becuase of how she looks. Depp down i know you judge her action strongly becuase you can't accept that a woman who looks like that get something. I know you will keep hating, just want to say my opinion

(2) I saw you ask once why we ( pen fans) are mad when people hate her like you do if we got everything, saying like she happy and get married and LW. i will answer that from my perspective. Im fat, people is mean and that herats and yes, maybe it not a good things but it nice to have a revenge for all that suffering , but beside that i feel represented FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME in a romance show, ALL THE ROMANCE FEMALE LEADS AND THIN WOMAN and for the first times she looks like me but everyone is hating her becuase of how she looks and the worst is anyone accept its becuase of that, you all write long essays jugdging her actions but as i said, Were her actions that bad???? think about it fr......

Others please also refer to this post for more context.

I did not intend to answer this ask, because honestly, I'm really very lazy. Since there are only so many ways I can make my argument against the same accusation over and over again, especially to someone who clearly doesn't want to listen, I figured ignoring was the right decision. I'd rather spend my creative energy and efforts on my own writings, instead of figuring out another elaborate wording on how being critical of a character's actions does not equate fatphobia, and that personal adversity does not equal a 'get out of jail' free card for repeatedly inflicting pain on other people on a mass scale. I've talked about it in depth in my own blog, as well as reblogging other eloquent, well thought-out posts from others, Polin fans and anti-Polin fans alike. You can just scroll through my blog to see that. But I don't think you have come after me, time and again, to be convinced.

Even now, I still think ignoring you would have been the smarter, or at least, easier course of action for me. But I digress. Maybe it's one of those days where I feel more confrontational, maybe my ADHD is acting up and my meds are not hitting as well today, maybe after weeks of stress-filled personal achievements I'm feeling talkative seeing someone trying to disturb my peace. Nontheless, since you've made diligent efforts in seeking out my response, today's your lucky day, once and for all.

Something my mutuals and followers might have learned about me, is that I, being pretty fucking lazy, don't post/write a lot. To remedy this, when I do post, oftentimes I try to be as thorough as I possibly can. So, in the spirit of being thorough, here's a little log of the things I have received in the past weeks, on this site as well as on AO3, some of which, @cherryblossom970sblog, I have reasons to believe came from you

So you feel represented by character. Awesome. Good for you. You should celebrate it with like-minded people. You think nobody likes Penelope the way you do? Find the ones who do. I can assure you, they exist. I saw them daily on my dash. Read fics that bring you joy. Don't read the ones that don't. I have seen way too many Penelope/Anthony, Penelope/Benedict or even Penelope/Gregory fics, or fics where Penelope just straight up abused Colin that are celebrated in the comments. I don't like those and you know what I do? Scroll past those fics or click out of those and not read them. You know what I don't do? Go after the writers, try to police their writing, and accuse them of bigotry for not catering to my preferences.

Accept the fact that it's not going to be a 100% percent approval rating. And that's fine. That's part of life. I'm a primary Benophie fan, I've seen people wanting Benedict to end up with different people. It's their prerogative, I leave them alone. I have mutuals who have different takes on actions of Kate, Edwina, and Anthony, with varying degrees of feelings regarding how season 2 ends, and I have my own opinions. Personally, I find all three parties were wrong in that triangle, especially Anthony, and the sisterhood between Kate and Edwina in that season ought to have been handled with more respect and care. And my mutuals and I have civil, nuanced discussions about such things and ending those with still different opinions. That's okay. They're fictional characters and their actions are up to character analysis. It's fine.

What ISN'T fine is obssessively stalking inboxes of strangers, REAL people, unleashing insane level of hate and prejudices in defence of a FICTIONAL character, and accusing them of crimes they OBJECTIVELY did not commit, all because they don't share your opinions. I know you don't think this kind of behaviour is okay, you said so yourself that it's not a good thing. You've experienced fatphobia, you have my sympathies for that, but it doesn't give you the right to be shitty to other people. Your own bad experiences do not entitle you to disrespect, dismiss, invalidate and insult the people you harassed, including me, many of which are WoCs who have valid concerns regarding how their own experiences are represented and treated on the show. My struggles of being a bisexual, Asian, immigrant woman does not excuse me from being toxic to people who have done me no harm. I will not be vindicated in demeaning someone who have criticisms against the actions of fictional character who share my traits, criticisms that I just happen to disagree with.

And frankly, I find reducing the nuances of a character or person to only their bodies, to contribute (as either condemn or excuse) their actions to be only the result of their bodies, fucking insulting. It's infantalising and dehumanising.

Have a nice day and happy shipping. Leave us alone.

[clockwise-works]

Hey. It's been a while.

So this might get long and wordy, and I've kinda been thinking this over a lot and if I even should make a post like this or just slowly "integrate" myself back for a lack of better terminology, but I think I'd rather just talk. And that is in part because I honestly just feel bad for the radio silence, you know? I mean I had someone send me an ask checking in on how I was doing, people messaging my discord, people were tagging me occasionally to show me cool stuff they made, like all these cool people still had me in mind even when I was practically non existent.

And while there is no real "obligation to respond" when it comes to fandom and stuff like this, I still don't think it'd be fair on my part to just pop right back up, act like everything was and is cool, all the while I possibly had people thinking there was something wrong or serious going on with me. Also, putting this here towards the start, if you end up reading this and in the last month or so made some art, writing, or anything else cool please go ahead and reblog it! I'm gonna try to go through as many peoples' profiles as I possibly can, but that's a lot of scrolling and I don't wanna miss stuff.

So, the break. What's going on.

Initially, I was just busy. My once work from home job had gotten an unexpected roadblock so to say in mid-October, and I had spent the rest of the remaining month searching for a place to rent, cleaning, and getting it up and running, all the while balancing my college classes. It was a lot, and so I just got busy. But then things slowed down, work and school finally started to settle into a comfortable pace again, and yet I still couldn't bring myself to log on. I couldn't fully explain it at first, but it dawned on me why after some time.

Simply put, I was unhappy with my creative endeavors in the last few months, and had begun to doubt myself and my "role" in this little corner of the internet. I would see my last couple art posts and would only feel disappointment. And I don't mean in a numbers game or engagement sense, I don't want anyone thinking, "oh had I only commented 1 more time then-" no. I want it to be absolutely clear it is nobodies fault but my own and that I have no intentions on quitting, nor that I do I not love or care for Zelda, Miphlink shit, and all my other passions anymore (no matter how little attention I give them in hindsight).

It's rather that I had developed a bad mentality towards my art in the last few months. I don't want to get into the specifics of it, but months ago there was some drama in the Miphlink "community" I was a part of, and while nothing serious or important came of it thankfully, it was still something that weighed heavy on my mind. Because there was the possibility that someone would quit their passion, that it was ruined for them, and being a part of it it was my fault.

So I felt like I had to prove my worth in a sense, make up for that potential loss, to give back to the community I was worried I had taken from. And so I pushed myself to release as much art as possible, to draw Link and Mipha doing unique and new things to offer something of worth to people. I pushed myself to the point I was rushing art pieces, I was cutting corners, I was settling for less when I envisioned so much more, just to get it out.

And this is no one's fault but my own. While yes, whatever happened months ago sucked, I still stand by my position and do not regret anything, but I alone am responsible for how my brain responded, for allowing myself to fall into a bad mentality when it came to my hobby, and I think it shows.

I don't care for notes in a numbers game way, I don't need to be the best of the best, but I do like it for seeing what people like and what people don't. And the last few art pieces didn't do well, and you know what? I see it. I believe people can tell when art is made with love and passion, it's why so often we hear the critique "this is soulless." And I feel like my art was very clearly not as good as it could be. It just lacked that feeling of passion, because I sacrificed quality and spirit for a fucking quick turn around. I felt my passion, my spark for this, my pride in my work to become something I was disappointed in.

This isn't a plea for attention or compliment fishing either, nor is this a complaint that I "don't get enough attention." I appreciate and love all that I've gotten in response, and it is already more than I ever envisioned getting. I don't want people to read this and think they need to leave me nice comments telling me how cool my shit is and all that, because I don't want people to feel like they HAVE to engage for my well being. Art is meant to be enjoyed, and that kind of pressure makes it hard for you to enjoy it.

Instead, this is a self evaluation, an outline for things I'm disappointed at myself for and hope to improve upon the coming new year, and an apology to those who possibly feared the worst from my silence, or felt as if i was ignoring them because I didn't care. I haven't figured it all out, I don't know what I want to do or how or when I'll do it, but I can't avoid this confrontation anymore. Somethings gotta change, and that starts with recognizing and working towards that change.

Thanks for reading, and sorry for it being so long.

[burning-academia-if]

Em, thank you so much for sharing your story and creating this blog! Your tumblr account has become a sort of a comfort place for me. I absolutely adore the way you interact with your readers and love the fact that your anons have been respectful (even though I realize that most likely there were some rude and insensitive messages because it is something that goes hand in hand with publishing any sort of art publicly. And if that is the case for you too, my heart goes out to you <3 )

Every time I see a new post here I smile. I love going through your asks (I prefer to make random amount of swipes and just read wherever the scrolling stops, I call it ‘tumblr roulette’ lol, it never fails to surprise me with pieces of information I know I’ve read before but forgot about because my memory isn’t that good).

Your posts from October/November of the last year hold a special place in my heart. Back then I was going through a very harsh time with my job practically sucking out the last droplets of my blood and sanity. I vividly remember standing outside of the building on my lunch break and smoking cig after cig like a chimney (-100000000 out of 10 experience would never recommend) and I swear the moment I was about to burst into tears I got a Tumblr notification of a new post on your blog. It was about Halloween outfits your characters would choose. Despite my state I got slightly amused with some of the choices. I managed to go through the rest of my day without crumbling down completely with the help of the thoughts of your game in the back of my mind. I know it may sound ridiculous but your story and that ask in particular really helped me shift the focus from my struggles and somewhat unwind in a healthy escapism way. 

I’ve been meaning to reach out to you a long ago to thank you but I knew that telling you all of this might not be welcome as we all are strangers here (and not all authors and readers may find it appropriate when some random person on Tumblr dot com overshares and I’m sorry if I made someone uncomfortable). But I just wanted you to know that what you do not only provides some of your fans with a magnificent gaming experience but also a much needed respite from unwanted experiences of reality.

I hope life treats you well, wish you all the luck with your artistic endeavors and always remember that your mental and physical health should always be prioritized! 

This was such a nice message to open tumblr to 😭💚

Honestly, BA was something I started making for my own comfort, especially since I didn't expect to get any traction, but seeing it become a thing of comfort for others has been a really nice experience!

Idk if it's because of the themes of the story or something, but I've genuinely yet to get a rude message yet lol and I'm really appreciative of how nice and relaxed the atmosphere of this blog has been. And I'm glad it's become a place for some people to unwind to.

[meirimerens]

hi, this is a very random ask but it's currently 2:44 in the morning where i'm at and i've been scrolling through your blog and i just...i'm so in awe of your connection to pathologic! hard to explain rly, but the game, the world and the characters of patho mean so much to me but i've had a hard time ~understanding~ or ig? connecting? to it the ways others do, it always feels like everybody else just inherently "gets it" and i do not. despite finishing the first game, and knowing a lot of info!

i'm not really sure where i'm going with this, but do you think this sounds logical? i guess everybody has their own unique connection to the world and the game, and so it's hard to compare...i do feel passionate about it, i really really do, looking through your blog makes me smile and i think your thoughts and renditions of patho stuff might be my favourite from what i've seen so far! especially the herb brides. LOVE the herb brides. i just feel a bit lost in the sauce i think...almost like i'm incapable of forming thoughts as philosophical, eloquent and well-made as others or that i've got it all wrong. have you felt this way, in your Pathologic Journey Of Discovery?

omg same timezone darling... we could be neighbors for all we know... i'm going to try to make sense i have burakhovsky visions-induced headache + also well. is 3AM now innit.

first things first Thank You... so happy to know you Enjoy... i have much joy and much love in making my silly drawings and texts and notes and knowing they're someone's Fave so far.. blushing and kicking my feet boyishly honestly.

now to the meat (lol!) of the question... it sounds perfectly logical. it of course does. pathologic (especially classic hd) is... dense and kinda burly of a narrative, the type which Doesn't Leave You Indifferent regardless if it's in a Good Way or in a Bad Way. it's something different (again, esp. p1) than most videogame narratives and experiences we're used to, especially in this day and age. it's this denseness this burliness which i think make people think They Need to make like... essays and shakespeare plays about this game - and some of us do, and it goes craaazy - but i'll tell you what. i don't think one needs to. and you know what? cos it's a game. the team behind it gave it this shape, this form, specifically, because it's my belief as someone who Makes Shit that they found it to be the best vector of it. the thinking, the thought, the essays, the eloquence, the philosophical questions, they all planted it in the game. they planted it in this big pixel gardens. and by releasing it, they wanted you to see that garden. other people will crouch down and pick apart what kinda flowers those are, and what they mean in x or y language. they'll analyze the composition of the soil. and some people will see the worms in the humus and be like damn that's a healthy soil. to me it comes back to what i had said to someone a whiiile back who sounded like they were quite insecure about not being able to make art or write fics for fandoms: you don't gotta. the devs made a Game, they didn't sent out a questionnaire, or write on a blackboard "WHAT DOES THIS MEAN. you have 4hrs. counts for 70% of the final grade". playin a narrative game is, typically, an alone experience. many people who are Changed by games do not write essays or deep philosophical pamphlets about it. many of us in the fandom do because it called to us it spoke to us it this or that, but there is no One Way to walk the garden the devs have planted. and they planted it so others could smell the flowers.

maybe sharing my personal Journey with patho will like Shine Light on why i'm The Way I Am about it: 1) completely silly, but i found it while i was going through my last exam to earn my bachelor's degree. here's one. not everyone has found this game while gettin their BA. 2) we've had architects in my family. i am attached to architecture as a subject, as an art, as a way to understand the world. i am aware of the way architecture shapes something, for the better and the worse. but most importantly, the connection, more than Intellectual, is very, very personal and like. my feefees-based. 3) my birthtown also has its own legends with A Bull! the game plays on that for me, the fact that It's Just Like Mine FR! i also Me Personally espouse a. goddess-earth centered type of spirituality so the mother boddho/living earth/spiritual conducts that are the Herb Brides it all felt. almost familiar to me. 4) patho, in narrative, speaks of art, and of creation. this speaks directly to me as an artist, a writer, a mfer who Makes Shit. 5) i've always been very. in-my-head right. just me and the thoughts marinating. been like this since as far as i can remember. brewing and boiling thoughts in my skull comes naturally to me, because my neurons are Trained To That. i'm also very much like. 🤓🤓 right. i'm a huge fan of accumulating Knowledge, sometimes even just Base Level, for fun. pulling threads between that Knowledge like that one Pepe Silvia IASIP bit is what my brain has been trained to do. and darling i love it here (mostly). Writing About Shit is what i DO. Drawing About Shit is what i DO. 5.5) i been to art school, and a huge part of the experience here was puking like guts-brewed art but being able to have a reasoned, reasonable Discussion about it, to be able to explain, to dissect, to see the made piece from other angles. i found patho at the end of that art school time, so i had gotten the habit, the want, maybe even the need to do that, to dissect others' art in order to understand mine better (or, alternatively, to cope with the fact that sometimes i Couldn't explain it) 6) the game(s) has/ve Grief as a theme (not the character, the Feefee). it's especially potent in p2. don't want to get too #personal but i have intimate knowledge of grief, and seeing characters dealing through it, and it being anchored in a narrative, is both interesting to me intellectually but also. in-my-feefees-ly. 7) this one is esp. p1 related but that one truly tickles like. Me Bones. not one second of that game have i felt lost, overwhelmed by the text, by the implication of the text (i have felt overwhelmed from Game Mechanics, but not the Dialogue/Lore itself) because as verbose as weird as cryptic as she is she made complete and utter sense to me. i have a <3 funny brain <3 and it's full of. nonsenses, incoherent, racing or twisting thought trains, flights of ideas, faulty/nonsensical connections. a lot of my writing comes from that, which i then polish for reading (as i often cannot. even reread what i wrote when that happens, thankfully with life being slower than it was it happens less). p1 complicated and verbose and slithering and snaking ways of telling you shit of giving you information of describing people and relationships felt like speaking to something that truly, truly understood me.

all of those ^ to say that My Experience of pathologic is mine. no one can have the same. and someone else's experience of pathologic will be Theirs, and i cannot have it. and your experience of pathologic is yours, and no one, neither me or anyone else, can have it the same as you do. we all, as Gamers(tm), come to the game with baggage, with different experiences, with different intellectual abilities, with different narrative comprehensions shaped by our education, our culture, our preferences, with different Desires as to what we feel a game Should Be to us, should make us feel, different desires as to how we want to experience the game.

it may feel like everybody "gets it", but you can't know how much work someone puts into wording their thoughts about the game, how much time they spend tuning their vision of it, how long they might have spent in-game being like What the Fuck. What the Fuck. What the Fuck. What the Fuck. i think patho deserves a time of Digestion. where you take it all in and your body&mind, that has experienced the game as a narrative and a play, breaks into very thin pieces the game(s) and it runs through you. it might take weeks, months. years. you might never be able to feel the game Feed You in the way you feel like it feeds some people, but i don't think that's a... necessary experience for you to enjoy the game, to find it deeply important to you. i've played, or watched other people play, many, many games that i consider important to me. that were there at a time in my life where it was good that they were, or that i thoroughly and deeply enjoyed, but that didn't Change Me like patho did, and as i've said, patho Changed Me because it ticked So Many Boxes for me. and no two people will have the same Boxes for this game to tick.

i repeat it over and over, but pathologic is a game about perspective and interpretations At Its Core. within the narrative. its role-playing experiences mean you can enter this world, but also that you can exit it. are there Objectively Wrong ways to think about things in this game? oh sure. yeah sure. are there interpretations that stem from culture/background/preconceived notions/stereotypes and are out of character, out of narrative, or go against relatively transparent bits of characterization or lore? also yes. most are benign, really. but most of the time... you're just watching another plane of the shape.

yeah, i've used this analogy before: we're all looking at the same polyhedron (in the sense of "a three-dimensional shape with flat polygonal faces, straight edges and sharp corners or vertices"), with its finite-but-huge number of planes, edges and corners. no two people are looking at the exact same planes, edges and corners. we might be looking at some together, but we're never seeing the same colors from the other planes reflect on them, the same light of the sun hitting the edges or the undersides. we're not all crawling in the same crevices, or following the same peaks. but we're all lookin at the same shape.

that was uh. fucking long! goodnight... don't stay up to late... hopefully you get what i mean. godbless

[lehdenlaulu]

Game asks: 5, 9, 14, 22 😁✨

Thank you, love!

5. Game(s) coming out that you’re looking forward to

First of all, Dragon's Dogma 2! It coming out in this year's March was such a delightful surprise. The original game from a decade or so ago was really interesting and in many ways innovative, though it has remained pretty obscure to larger audiences. Even I came across it pretty much by chance.

It's not that I mind the recent trend of tactical/isometric RPGs (though I've never been that big a fan of turn-based, as someone who grew up on the OG Infinity Engine games, RWP all the way), but an open-world action-adventure is still a welcome change (Starfield, bless its heart, doesn't count). I've also never been into the JRPG genre, but DD is an interesting case because while it's a Japanese production, it doesn't feel like a JRPG, aesthetically or otherwise.

Anyway, feast your eyes on the latest trailer!

There are others that I'm looking forward to as well, like Awoved, Broken Roads, Star Wars: Outlaws, and Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines 2 (though with the developmental weirdness and the complete overhaul of the entire concept of the game that followed, I'm more cautiously curious than excited now). But realistically, I only expect one or two of them to actually come out this year.

Oh, and there are some cool visual novels coming out that I'm looking forward to as well, like Made Marion (currently in Early Access with Robin's route already playable), Call Me Under (which I hope has avoided the issues the studio's last two games, Errant Kingdom in particular, had), Imperial Grace, Tenebrae, and When Stars Collide.

9. A game you played completely blind with no prior knowledge of and enjoyed/loved

Huh. It's pretty rare for me to go in completely blind, though I usually don't go out of my way to look things up either as the joy of discovery is a big thing for me. But... I guess I could say the first Dragon's Dogma? I did not have many expectations, and while it wasn't the most brilliant thing ever and had some frustrating mechanics, it was super enjoyable (until the endgame bits ugh, but that's a me issue I guess).

Oh, and Enderal, of course! It's safe to say I Had No Idea What I Was In For.

14. A song that’s sure to hit your nostalgia buttons

Hah, how nostalgic do we want to get? Though a song specifically narrows things down a little, hmm.

Honestly, the first one to start playing in my head was Malukah's gorgeous Beauty of Dawn for The Elder Scrolls Online, but my brain also protests because a ten-year-old game is apparently not old enough for it to count as nostalgic. 😂

Something really old, then? How's A Pirate I Was Meant To Be? 😎

22. A game ending that’s really stuck with you

Well. The thing is, I'm apparently chronically allergic to finishing games. It's not that I lose interest, exactly, I guess I just don't like things to end or something? So I'm basically what you might call the complete antithesis of a speedrunner, I have to do literally everything else first and I often find myself loading an older save if I feel like the main quest is proceeding too fast (depending a little on the type of game, of course). 😅

So this is a bit of a challenge for me. Also, endings are tough in any media from a writing standpoint, truly satisfying and impactful endings are difficult to pull off.

But... even though I haven't technically finished it, I think I have to say Enderal. I mean, there are several possible endings, but they're all emotionally impactful, make sense, and will haunt you for a long time afterwards (as does the entire game, really).

Talk to me about video games?

[taegularities]

Hello lovely Rid 💕💕

I saw you posting about being in a boring class right as I was scrolling through tumblr out of boredom during my lecture lmaooo. And now I'm enduring a 40 minute bus ride in a packed bus, so I decided to come and ramble to you a little (I know, shocker, I never do that).

It's literally nothing big or anything but remember that pretty guy with the long hair from my class that I told you about once? Well just as I was trying to figure out whether I only like the way he looks because of his pretty hair, he cut it lmaoooo. And like his hair is still to his shoulders which is pretty long but it used to be to his waist so it's a considerable change still. But here's the problem - he looks just as good and even more babygirl like that 😔😔😔.

And I haven't talked to him in a while because I'm not so sure what to say since our interests don't exactly align too much and he's also always with his friends (the way he loves anime and gaming and I've only watched death note and played the sims lmaooo).

I'm also the kind of person who can't properly have a crush on someone until they actually know them well, so I'm just in the stage of finding him very attractive and yet not actually having a crush on him. Long story short, I know I should just make an effort to talk to him more but it takes a lot of energy for me to talk to people I don't know well :/

Thank you for listening once again, Rid. I think this time I've thoroughly proven that I can ramble about the smallest thing. How are you doing, love, how are the classes other than this boring one? 💞💞💞

hi lovely. i know i never usually let you wait so long, so i'm sorry 😭

first of all, the irony of us being bored at the same time during class 🤣 and secondly, wait.. it's an amazing sign that he's still just as good looking, right? that means it wasn't just the hair !! though, if you decide to talk to him, i'd definitely dive into your interests at some point, bc ofc, that's how you'll find out how compatible you are.

tbh, take your time. it's fine to be shy about these things, it's rlly fkn hard to gather the courage to talk to someone. think it through, maybe make a mental list as to what you'd say to him if you spoke (and you like to ramble, i'm sure you'd find something!! i talked a guy's ears off just today 😭). but don't rush it. i bet you'll find a way and time to approach him... it'll be fun. remember he's just a human being, too!

death note? AMAZING CHOICE BTW. if you want more recs (not for the guy, but for yourself)... definitely watch the movies 'your name' or 'i want to eat your pancreas'. angsty af but so so so good.

and honestly, ivi, ramble whenever, you know the drill. i'm just happy you feel so safe and comfortable here to do so 😭 i've been pretty damn tired these days, but i'll always read and reread your messages and love them, so keep them coming 🥺

i've been okay, love! tired, as mentioned, and i'm so so worried about not being able to indulge in hobbies or be here much anymore once work starts, too. idk, i love being here, but today i couldn't put down much in my google doc, and i'm just scared of getting to a point where i can't do anything at all anymore lol but we'll see! thank you for stopping by and asking, sweetheart <333

[coralsgrimes]

So I’m honestly asking because I have no clue what you are referring to. Why do you hate Ben Barnes so much? You seem to keep referring to things he did but you didn’t say what. I’m confused but I really have no idea what these bad things are and would like to find out.

Ye really do make me typing like a madman today lol

Said it a million times and I don't hate Benny Boy. Imma just disappointed and also hate is a strong word and I neither have the time nor am I 12 to hate someone online lol

I don't say what he was fucking up cuz this blog is mostly our own lil pond and I generally assume that everyone swimming here should know by now x.x also I've been repeating myself over and over about all of this shite. Scroll waaaay down lol

But since I'm typing...

So the thingies that I personally find to be hurtful, the fangirls been putting a flaming sword up me ass when I mention them. Can ye believe???

The first thing is obvi the half naked photoshoot in a pool, with a minor! which he called romantic! done by a photographer who he called his friend and who also photographed Sofia Richie aged 14/15 like she was a on a cover of the hustler.

Then we have his ongoing association, PUBLIC ASSOCIATION, with a circle of friends that includes scientologist, racists, sex pests, people protecting and vouching for the sex pests some of them currently on trial, also women who engage in victim blaming publicly, and not so surprisingly a cult leader wannabes are in that crowd as well. And again, this are not some fandom connect the dots allegations. This is all a open public we been friends for years said out loud.

And the next thing, that me thinks had broken the Benny spell completely, was his 'crisis in Ukraine' insta post from last April (featuring choose love... cuz why not). The obvious months wait for a fucking t-shirt to arrive, sunny day happy photoshoot and advertisement friendly language so that instagram won't cut his visibility so everyone could see what a great chap he is! The bare minimum, the bad taste, the quick edit of the post after he been called out and obvi the radio silence since.

Oh coral but it's not like he the worst person in the fucking world. Like no he's not but the picture he tries to paint of himself is cracking and showing how fucking fake it is... No surprise tho he a celebrity and british after all x.x

In other thingies, he obvi a bestie with Jules who i have personal beef with completely outside of Benny.

Speaking of her, the very possible possibility that he been having an affair with a married woman is kind of wow okay something if ye ask me. Then we have his music which should be classified as a dangerous especially for aquatic life (🪸), young and elderly and everyone else.

Yesh I know celebs are fake but he is just... The fakest at this point?? Like so obviously fake without a drop of genuine intentions, just doing this to secure his cushy life.

Oh and while we still at around twin flames orbit. The pandemic... Stay home be a good boy, but not me!! I am Benjamin Barnes and I shall do the opposite and then gaslight gatekeep...

I can go into/list more irks honestly but that's just ye know being petty and cherry picking kind of. Ye know I say I hate his look at me imma an activist reposts but other peeps are glad he 'spoken out' about the issue. Then there are his fandom games and basically begging his fangirls to baby him like when he's called out... He can't take responsibility for anything (pandemic travel anyone??) and he won't take direct and decisive stand on anything ever (not even saying world issues, I mean his so called FEMALE friends that needed strong public support but he stayed silent) cuz as long as he is bland and pleases everyone he is cool he is safe.

And at the end of the day what he does is he covers up, avoids and baits with something else hoping that the air clears. Here we should look at his 'brother' Chris D'Elia. He was sniffing around him at a time he was assaulting several women, Benny at the same time was dating a wannabe model in her early 20s... Allegations about D'Elia circled around for years but no one dared to speak loudly cuz he was SOMEONE. Then shit hits the fan and what our dear boy Benny does??? He, with a speed of a lightning, deletes covers up blocks gets rid off any obvious connection to his so called brother. Case closed.

Also like his enormous ego and the obsession to cover up his private life like crazy, that kinda sus and not healthy I want a private life but again it's just me lol

Would link me old posts but I'm on the mobile app and it's like so hard to find all that shite. There are more details in them old posts if ye as interested. But this is the crash course into Benny Boy by Coral lol

[sarah-dipitous]

Hellsite Nostalgia Tour 2023 Day 30

The Blind Banker

"The Blind Banker"

What makes me sad about the Sherlock episodes is I don't think I'm ever going to be able to formulate any fun little games like I have for Supernatural (and may yet develop for Doctor Who). They just come up too infrequently.

I forgot how weird the cinematography in Sherlock can get. There was just this really small segment where...it felt like when a video games frame rate drops. Lasted like 10 seconds and then........like, why did you do that?

Moffat, I think, should be allowed to come up with concepts, but not be allowed to write...and especially not write female characters. This is the coldest take I may have ever had. It's just this poor museum worker...

Man, I've either skipped this episode a bunch of times or just paid far less attention during it because, while I can recall a FEW scenes and something of a general outline for the mystery, there's an HOUR AND A HALF OF STORY. And I know I can't fill in that much from memory.

Yeah, there's a life or death fight with a guy with a sword at 221B, but OMG JOHN IS ME. I prefer using the self-checkout when shopping, but because I know how. to. do. things. right., it's so frustrating when the machine doesn't cooperate. I very recently got to the end of all my scanning, everything was bagged, I was just down to PAYING and the computer decided to call for assistance. Not me, the computer, for no discernible reason. Anyway, John, I feel your pain

"I had a row with the chip and PIN machine" "You had a row?" "Sort of. It sat there and I shouted abuse." Well, now he's just me with every machine I have at work.

(Guys, we're less than 10 minutes in. I'm...extremely sorry for how long the Sherlock ones get. In my defense, this was my main obsession of the three back in the day.)

I'm sure somewhere on this website there's a gifset of Sherlock going around this office, dipping between the cubicles alongside gifs of David Tenant doing the same in Partners In Crime. I probably reblogged it back in the day (but that might have been before I really started tagging things)

Sure, some of the deductions are bullshit, but figuring out who the message was for was pretty impressive. Also, I will also never be mad at him putting the cops to shame.

Ok. I'm starting to remember, this is a smuggling ring...backed by Moriarty question mark??? I know he gets a mention at the end (sorry, we're now four weeks out from seeing him and i'm going to be ANNOYING)

--At this moment, 8:10pm, I've paused for the gazillionth time, but this time to go through the tag for the episode...and it's a shock to know that this is either THE episode with THE tight purple shirt that is the entire reason I use purple for the Sherlock titles or it's just the FIRST one with it. Omg. I've been scrolling and scrolling the tag for ages trying to find anything with that shirt in its actual color. You couldn't escape it ten years ago. Now? Nothing.

THIS shirt. God. I have to do EVERYTHING around here--

You can kind of tell that John's never done anything wrong ever in his entire life (save for the murder last episode, but even that was to defend someone who was about to be murdered-ish) by the way he didn't run the second Sherlock and the graffiti artist started running

One thing about John (and possibly just Martin Freeman) is that he really know how to yell at someone while barely raising his voice. I mean, suuuuure, is Sherlock getting attacked and nearly dying? Yeah, but John's annoyed with him.

Also, I didn't say this before, but I meant to...Sherlock's a lot better at lying to people to convince them to do things than Dean...or Sam, honestly.

Oh! Oh! Ohhhhh!! The number pairs are like...page number, word number of some book from that library book!! I'm piecing it together now!

Omg this Scotland Yard detective is insufferable. At least Lestrade knows he's outmatched and needs Sherlock's help. This guy won't believe there's a serial murderer even with three victims until Sherlock can prove it. Like won't even investigate it? At all??

I love Molly but I loathe how easily she gets played by Sherlock. How easily she's manipulated by him. The slightest compliment. Not even a compliment, honestly. First he just notices her hair is styled different, then says it suits her better like that. Dude. Stop falling for this, girl.

Look, I like Sarah and John, they're cute, but also my aro-spec ace ass could never accidentally (or not) say "good" when someone says they don't have a significant other after. ESPECIALLY if I've accused them of slacking on the job due to said non-existent partner. Good LORD.

How are you so bad at hiding that you almost get caught that easily??...No, you DID get caught that easily. John was right. You don't think anyone can compare to your massive ego, Sherlock.

You know what? The Black Lotus had every right to do what they did. The banker and the librarian were just two more in a long line of the English going to distant countries and taking shit that ain't theirs. They had every right to kill them over an artifact worth MILLIONS that the banker's secretary will now have to hide for the rest of her life.

Mrs. Hudson takes such good care of her boys.

Sorry, but if I got kidnapped and almost killed after a date where my date's roommate crashed to drag said date into solving a mystery with him, there wouldn't be a second date. There would only be my permanent 'fun fact about me.'

[opticsel]

i saw the tags about mazeway and i've never ever read it i need to know what makes it so bad you've got me curious

okay fucking BUCKLE UP then, cause you’re in for a treat! since I legally cannot do anything by halves (adhd) get ready for an essay of a post methodically breaking down everything that sucks about this book so you never need to do yourself the disservice of experiencing it. if you happen to like this book and had a great, fulfilling time reading it, that's great! feel free to tell me all about how i'm wrong and why, because I did not :) spoilers ahead, all ye who enter here, although once again NOT A BOOK RECOMMENDATION !!!!

(i will say there are some actual recommendations at the end though. if anyone feels like scrolling for approximately seven years)

a little meet-the-author before we begin: jack williamson was born in Arizona in 1908. actually I say Arizona, but at the time Arizona wasn't a state yet- it was still a territory. his career as a science fiction writer started when he was 20, and he is (rightfully) considered one of the deans of sci-fi. along with writers like isaac asimov, williamson was among the writers who developed a lot of the new-wave concepts and tropes that are common today.

Mazeway was published in 1990, when our beloved author was 82. It is 262 pages long, and has 43 chapters. It was supposed to be the first in a series, and a second book was allegedly drafted, but from about this time to the end of his life Williamson flitted from project to project, which means several of his later books are also the first in a series which was never written. By then Mr Williamson was getting old and, according to my dad, "kind of losing his mind," which. With how this book ended I could definitely see that being true! And personally I am very glad this one ended up being a stand-alone.

Let me start by saying that this book is not all bad, it's just an overwhelming majority bad. Solid 83% bad. This actually makes it more frustrating, because those little nuggets of light in the darkness give me a glimpse into what the book could have been, and honestly it could have been pretty good. Actually I know you came here to hear about why this is NOT a book recommendation but I'm going to start with what I liked and get to the terrible steaming shit piles later.

First off, the concept for the overall main plot is pretty interesting. I couldn't engage with it as much as I would have liked (for Reasons), but the pitch my dad gave me when he recommended it to me made it sound like something I would like. In broad strokes, we follow a young human man named Benn who lives on a space station located somewhere far from earth. Despite the fact that humanity was rescued from earth after the skynet collapsed, the intergalactic alliance/organization taking care of them doesn't consider their species a part of the alliance, because they have never had a member of their species successfully complete the Game of Blade and Stone (henceforth referred to as the Game), so obviously they are incompetent and can't be allowed to make their own laws, have their own government, decide where to work/live, etc. Of course Benn decides that he is going to to go the planet Stone where the Game is held and compete so humanity can become a valued member of intergalactic society. And yeah by now in the year of our lord 2024 this is a story we've seen some version of a hundred times before, but 35 years ago it was a fairly novel concept, and tbh I am a simple bitch. It takes very little to get me intrigued.

Second, the magic/technology system. It was terrible, actually, and not a system at all, just kind of a collection of words that meant things and let people do stuff like fly through the vacuum of space. I still kinda liked it, though, and I feel like it had a lot of promise. It's technically not magic since it's biology-based and relies on made-up laws of made-up physics, and I love when creatures have special biological features that let them do magic-adjacent things, so even if I was annoyed by the way it was explained, I mostly enjoyed it. If you're a physics guy in any capacity it definitely feels like it was created by a guy who had no idea what he was talking about, but Williamson was solidly not a scientist, so I'm giving him a little grace here (for now, at least).

I also really really liked Williamson's aliens; very few of them were humanoid or even anthropomorphic, and one of the main species, the Hydrans, remind me of a fucked up Mr potato head in that they are a sort of lumpy blob that can just. create and move features across their bodies at will. Another was literally just a collection of particles working together like an amoeba. One of my favorites is Wing, who "was a thin triangular being with stubby tentacles jutting from her three corners. Her numerous eyes made a belt of bright black gems around a shining crown that bulged out of her slate-gray flatness." And Williamson clearly thought a lot about his aliens, because we get a lot of information about cultures and reproduction and relationships for a few species- mostly for the Hydrans, since they're a bit part of the story, but there's a few others we get a quick peek into throughout the book. Insert 'i just think they're neat' meme here and give me more freaky non-anthropomorphic aliens in media you cowards !!!

And... that's about it. That's all I liked about this book. General concept for the plot, some of the magic system, and the aliens. Calling that 13% of the book might be too generous but whatever, I'll give some extra points cause I really did love the aliens a lot.

Now, when I look for a book, I'm looking for a few key things. I need an engaging and coherent plot, well-rounded characters, and a satisfying conclusion. Honestly, I'll sacrifice plot for good characters, because if I can't connect with the people on the page, I don't care what they're doing. Sounds simple enough, but again, I am a simple bitch.

And yet, somehow, despite the apparent simplicity of my request- SOMEHOW this book managed to not tick a SINGLE ONE of my boxes. NOT ONE. In fact this book just decided it hated me specifically and needed to personally victimize me at every turn, because SOMEHOW it managed to do the OPPOSITE of those three simple things.

We'll start with characters, since that's my big thing. They were shit. They were bland and infuriating and had no consistency. Benn, who is supposed to be our knight in shining armor that we support at every turn, is literally the flattest fucking white bread ass male lead I've ever had the misfortune of encountering, to the point where I'm convinced has got to have been a self-insert. The other two protagonists- who I haven't even mentioned yet- were just as bad; one of them, named Don Diego Bolivar, was kind of (??) the villain, complete with some concerningly racist undertones, and the other, Roxanne Kwan, was the Sexy Woman With Knife that this era of sci-fi was obsessed with. Even though she's supposed to be cool and strong, she's about as useful as Benn is, and mostly spends the book being creeped on by Bolivar. She does not kill him even though she totally has the skills and would have been completely justified in it. None of them do much in the book other than react to whatever wacky circumstances they manage to find themselves in, and while it was annoying how little any of them knew about anything, it was infuriating how little motivation any of them had to actually learn the things they didn't know. To me, that's a sign that Williamson didn't bother figuring out most of the mechanics of this world, which is unfathomable to me as a writer whose favorite part of writing is worldbuilding.

Next let's touch on plot. Oh, you thought I liked the plot? WRONG. I liked the concept for the plot, and I was really hoping it would blossom into a beautiful story. Unfortunately, Jack Williamson apparently cannot write something comprehensible to save his life. Every single sentence was overwritten, forced to run on and on until all it could do was collapse from exhaustion and finally die. Core concepts were introduced in the last 10 pages of the fucking book, and multiple things happened for literally no reason. There were several plot threads that felt like they should be wrapped up and then just never were, which means I was just confused forever. Even if there had been more to the series, there were way too many things to smoothly bring them all into the second book. Character motivations were often dumb, convoluted, or just straight up never explained.

And Jesus fucking Christ, the pacing of the whole thing- or rather the lack thereof. The end of the book tried to make up for all the time wasted on flowery prose by whizzing through multiple plot points at a dizzying speed. We were constantly being thrown around through space and time- We're on this ship! No, we're on this planet! We're doing this thing, but actually it's time for a random unrelated flashback that will do nothing except confuse you, both now and later when some obscure half-remembered detail is brought up and you have to flip back to chapter 7 to figure out what the fuck is being talked about! Sometimes this would happen in the middle of a scene, which was always jarring. There was one instance early on where Roxanne finds her father's dead body, and instead of continuing this scene and preserving all the yummy built-up tension, we jump away to our favorite white boy Benn and get four pages establishing a b-plot that will never be resolved, and then go back to Roxanne at the exact same moment we just left off. Why did we leave?? To ruin the atmosphere and confuse your reader?? If so, great job! So much of this book was just me screaming What are you doing!! and then suffering some more.

Also, just as a quick aside- remember how the book is 262 pages and 43 chapters, which comes out to ~6 pages per chapter? Yeah. Since there wasn't enough happening already, every chapter the perspective changes between our protagonists, and most of the chapters don't even hit that magic page count; most land between 2 and 3. This could be fine, except that our dear author has apparently never heard of developing a character's voice, so all three of them sound exactly the same: flatter and drier than a stale Triscut, and with infuriatingly little knowledge about how the world around them works.

Back to the magic again, because I have more to say actually. Unlike a lot of other new-wave sci-fi writers, Williamson wasn't a scientist. That's why I gave him so much room with his shitty not-magic system, which I'm now going to explain to you just a little bit. He uses the phrase nanionic forces, which is the manipulation of sub-atomic particles called nanions, which are smaller than quarks. At the nanionic level, we reach a "horizon of reality" where nanionic particles flicker out of existence and back again, a trillion times in a trillionth of a Terran second. If that doesn't make sense, cool, it doesn't really matter, that explanation will never be brought up or expanded on again. But I really like the idea of a species that moves by interacting with a sort of "negative" matter so to speak, and I wish we had gotten a better explanation for how it works.

Like nanionic particles/forces, the skynet is also based on a real or theoretical scientific concept which is then heavily modified. This time, instead of something small, it's based on something big- a Dyson Sphere. Instead of surrounding a star, the skynet surrounded the Earth's outer atmosphere in a grid-like pattern. What did it do? Great question. People lived up there; in fact, most people seem to have lived up there, and the ones who didn't were all poor and stupid. There were elevators that connected it to the earth and let people move between the surface and the skynet. It maybe harvested energy from the earth like a Dyson sphere would do to a star, but it's not... really clear. And it will never get clearer, because when the skynet fell to earth, most people died, and the ones who didn't just don't ever talk about it. There doesn't seem to be a reason for that; I really think Williamson just didn't want to go to the effort of actually expanding this incredibly important aspect of his book whose destruction is directly responsible for everything that is happening rn. Interesting choice imo but only one of us is a best-selling author, so okay. Whatever.

But these examples showcase a pitfall of Williamson's: for some reason, he didn't do his research, whether because he didn't care or he didn't realize he needed to. Like, at the time, research was difficult. The internet didn't exist. You couldn't just pull up the wikipedia page on quarks or the Dyson Sphere. But it would have been so easy for Williamson, because all he needed to do was ask his friends who did know about these things. All the big-name new-wave sci-fi authors were friends, and they all worked closely together, and a lot of them were scientists, and all he would have had to do would be send a letter or, shit, pick up the phone, and he would have all the answers he needed. So he had the resources, he just chose not to use them, and his work suffered for it. And I fucking suffered for it reading his work.

Now, about that ending. Oho, the ending.

At the end of the book, Benn, Roxanne, and Bolivar find themselves in front of the judges of the Game (yeah they all end up competing don't worry about it). Benn has forfeit in order to be rescued after Bolivar threw him into a river, but he is still presented to the judges with the rest of the contestants in the ceremony where they learn whether or not they have successfully passed the trials of the Game. None of the three humans passed, and all three of them are ordered to immediately return to their home planets. Bolivar (who I did not understand was the villain until I read this section for the third goddamn time) does some stuff that essentially boils down to appointing himself as the ruler of Earth/the Sun Corporation, proclaiming that the other contestants who didn't pass are now considered citizens of the Sun, and threatening the judges and the entire alliance with his uber-powerful robot/EMP, in that order. In order to stop him, the judges arrest a bunch of people, and then. And then.

And then Benn looks into the robot's eyes and becomes the universe.

No, really. In chapter 43 of this godawful fucking book, Benn hears the voice of a great malicious entity called Conqueror in his mind, and then he falls into the darkness before time and space and experiences the birth of the universe as Conqueror itself. He, as Conqueror, watches stars and planets form, and chooses to be kind instead of evil, and coaxes different species to meet each other between the stars. He watches the skynet fall, and mourns for all the creatures that died during its destruction. And that sounds beautiful, right?

...Right?

I wish I could tell you the end of this book was beautiful and profound. I wish I could tell you it made up for all the overwritten bullshit I had to slog through. I wish I could tell you it made everything worth it. It did not. Instead, after 257 terrible, grueling, exhausting pages, this ending felt more like the book spitting in my face and telling me to take my hopes and dreams up the ass, because somehow this is what saves the day: Benn Dain making eye contact with the evil (???) robot. On accident.

How? Great question. Saves from what? Wouldn't you like to know, weatherboy. Actually, I have many questions, all of them unanswered. What is Conqueror? Is it the universe? How did Benn become it? Why? Is that the robot's scary magic power- it gives you a trip so good you become a great cosmic mass and experience all of time? And what narrative purpose does this serve (outside of magically defeating a villain we have barely established)? Because as far as I'm aware (and I should be fucking aware at this point, having just read the entire book), at no point during Benn's journey was one of his objectives "learn what happened to the skynet". Also, again, how the fuck did that defeat the robot and/or Conqueror???

If someone put a gun to my head and told me to think of a conclusion to this story that makes less sense, I would not be able to. I wish I could, because at least the fact that it could have been even worse would be a silver lining to this shitshow of a book, but alas.

I'm sure at this point you're asking yourself, Finn, why did you even bother making it this far? Why didn't you DNF it the moment Roxanne's common sense shriveled up and died? Well, I would have loved to do that, but unfortunately I read this book for an essay worth 40% of my term grade, and we had already submitted our reading lists, and we were required to submit a reading log for every book on there. I was locked into reading this book whether I liked it or not. And good for you, isn't it? Because now we can all sit here together and have a grand old time listening to me complain by request on the internet. Joy.

OKAY I just woke up and I have a fever of 102 and I feel like absolute shit. let's finish this fucking POST so I can be FREEEE

That's the end of the book, but we still have shit to talk about; namely, racism and misogyny. This book treats POC and women like total shit the entire time, and that's honestly why I'm so adamant that this isn't a recommendation. Problems with characterization and plot and worldbuilding- those are all subjective. I'm sure somewhere out there is someone who would love this story and all of the things I consider flaws. But I cannot in good conscience tell people to read it with the way these topics are handled. I'm not going to try to get too far into it because it's been a couple years since I actually sat down and read the book, but I did skim it in order to write this, so here are the obvious things that jumped out at me. My brain is mush rn so I'm probably gonna miss stuff but you'll get the gist hopefully

Bolivar's mother is specifically stated to be from Ecuador, and the town she's from is described as a "squalid barrio." She fakes an ID so she can work as a prostitute somewhere in the skynet, and that's where she meets- and promptly has an affair with- Bolivar's father, who is a wealthy businessman. She dies when the skynet falls, because she's working in a nightclub at the time. Bolivar himself is prone to bouts of violence and rage, has no loyalty to anyone but himself, and is a power-hungry egomaniac. He's also a creep to Roxanne on several occasions, flirting with her incessantly even after she has told him multiple times to stop, and even tries to coerce her into sleeping with him when they are forced to share a hotel room. The other Latino character is treated no better; he's a fairly minor character, but upon meeting him Roxanne immediately has a Bad Feeling and doesn't trust him. She turns out to be justified in this when he kills her father and his best friend and leaves her in the desert to die. He and Bolivar are similar in many ways: they are both violent and serve only themselves. The only obvious difference is that Julio speaks Spanish constantly, in that jarring way that monolingual people write bilingual characters, where random ass words and phrases are sprinkled in with little care to whether or not it makes sense. I don't feel like I have to explain to you why these things are problematic, and frankly I don't think I would do a very good job if I tried rn, but, like. Oh my god.

Now, let's talk about the ladies. Benn's mother shows up for like two scenes, talks about how cool her husband is, talks about how cool her son is, and then is never mentioned again. She barely exists. There's nothing to say about her except point out how little there is to say. She's one of two women in the entire book, the other being Roxanne. Roxanne has her own problems, mainly inconsistent characterization and very little narrative purpose. She has two reasons to exist: one, to be the heir of the Sun Corps, since she's a Kwan, and they were like the ultra-rich bastards who owned the skynet or something, and two, to save Benn's life when Bolivar throws him off a cliff into the river. That is- and I am not exaggerating here- the one and only thing she actually does in the entire book. She has none of her own motivations and just ends up following Benn or Bolivar around, thinking vaguely about how hot they are, and being otherwise useless. Her skills also disappear when it's convenient; for example, she gets bad vibes about Julio, implying that she's good at reading people, but then when she meets Bolivar she doesn't get any bad vibes from him at all. She's a fantastic hunter, good enough that she earned the nickname Cheetah when she was young, but she still isn't able to kill Bolivar when it counts. Again, many problems. my whole body hurts and I'm mad and I want to be done and you're smart. Misogyny bad send tumble

That's finally it!! I'm finally done ranting!!! I'm gonna go take a goddamn nap!!!!!! Fuck this book to hell and I hope this sated your curiosity. don't read this, read, like, Set My Heart to Five (Simon Stephenson), which I read right after and is still one of the best, most moving things I've ever read, or, if you're interested in something new-wave, Decision at Doona (Anne McCaffrey) or Caves of Steel (Isaac Asimov) are both really great choices. If you're not super into sci-fi, Tamora Pierce is a really good fantasy author whose mcs are all well-written badass ladies, and Redwall (Brian Jaques) is a fun adventure with little animals. Just basically what I'm saying is please do not read this book. bye

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

tw suicidal thoughts

hi momdad. I'm not doing very well right now and although I know I'll be okay, do you have any tips for how to make it easier while I wait it out? anything to just block out the constant suicidal thoughts and stop me mentally planning things that make me sad to think about. I understand if you don't have the time/spoons for this and I'll be okay either way, but your words often make me feel a lot better about things. thanks <3

hey there, darling, i'm really sorry you're going through this. Bad Thoughts are also one of my biggest enemies, and i've been dealing with them for... going on twenty years, now. so, let's break this down.

in my expert opinion, you need to attack Bad Thoughts from three different sides: physical, mental, and social. congrats, you've already taken a step on the social side!

physically: i know, fucking believe me i know, that right now is the last time you feel like doing anything, but it genuinely is harder to feel like dying when you're clean, fed, and rested. this isn't about being perfect, having a bubble bath and making your bed or whatever, it's just about feeling less gross, through whatever means you're capable of.

change your clothes if you've been wearing them more than a day, take a sponge bath to get rid of the worst of the grime and stink, throw down a fresh flat sheet on your bed or change your pillowcase if it's been a long time since you changed them. whatever little thing you can do.

eat something. if all you've got is candy bars, then eat candy bars, but it is important to keep in mind that you will, unfortunately, feel better when you've had some nutrition. if you can get some apple slices, baby carrots, snap peas, etc, super easy finger foods, that's great. you also need protein and will feel weak and shitty without it, so get some beef jerky, hard boiled eggs, whatever you can. doesn't matter if you're just eating peanut butter out of the jar, just eat.

i know, intimately, the pain of insomnia, so if you can't sleep i totally get it, but do try and sleep instead of just staying awake because you can't face your own mind. honestly, i have a small tv in my room and i tend to keep it on at a very low volume when i sleep, because the noise helps to keep my mood from tanking when i close my eyes. if you need something like that, that's totally okay. just try and sleep, or at least rest. if nothing else, close your eyes for a while and listen to a podcast.

lastly - and know that i'm saying this through gritted teeth, seething - i'm afraid that exercise helps. i hate it, i hate every minute of it, but it actually fucking helps. i prefer to lift weights and/or do yoga, as i can go at my own pace in my own room, and stop whenever i can't take it anymore. i sleep so much better when i exercise 2-3 times a week, because life is just horrible like that.

mentally: when it comes to fight off the Bad Thoughts, distraction is The Most Important Thing. when you can't do anything else, distraction is your last line of defense. and i have unmedicated adhd so i know it's fucking hard, but it helps if you cultivate multiple tactics that work as distractions.

the best distractions i've found:

something that makes you laugh (you have to laugh, fuck, you absolutely have to find a way to laugh)

something you find interesting (science, history, puzzles, even just how it's made videos; scroll through youtube until you find a topic that you're legitimately curious about and learn something new)

something that feels comforting (your favorite movie or show, your favorite book, your favorite fic; doesn't matter if you've watched/read it a hundred times, do it again)

something totally mindless that requires your entire focus (for me that's usually a game on my phone, something like scrabble, word search, or a pop-all-the-bubbles sort of game; make sure you don't fall down a sinkhole of buying more turns and shit)

i have a distractions tag if you'd like some ideas on where to start. if you'd like a few recs of channels i like to watch when i feel shitty:

andrew rousso's skits are hilarious

liziqi lives in the chinese countryside and makes beautiful, peaceful videos of gardening, farming, and cooking. wild girl and dianxi xiaoge have similar channels.

absolute history has some fascinating in-depth videos

acrylic pours are pretty damn cool to watch

chris fleming is as unhinged as he is funny

tasting history with max miller recreates ancient recipes and discusses the history surrounding them

serena art has a cool method of painting that is very interesting to watch

caitlin reilly is painfully good at being funny

the animal cracker is a chiropractor who works on animals, including horses, which is actually really cool

for some reason i think harvesting videos are fascinating??

okay, that probably has you set for a while, lol. but i think that gives you an idea of what i find helpful, from educational to funny to just cool to look at when you can't concentrate on anything.

important part of this is staying committed to the distraction. you are a hockey goalie and you are not letting that shit through. cycle through ten different distractions if you need, just do not fall into the pit of bad thoughts. power through the worst of it.

socially: believe me, i don't love talking to people when i'm buried under a wave of despair, and i'm pretty bad at keeping in touch with friends, but make an attempt at talking to someone and either being honest about how you feel or just have a chat about nothing important, because we're social creatures and we feel better when we've been in contact with other people. even if you're just sending memes or rambling about fanfic, it helps a little bit.

okay, dear, that's my guide to holding back the tide on the Bad Thoughts. of course i could say all sorts of encouraging, inspirational stuff, but honestly when i'm in the depression hole, i don't really want to hear that stuff. simple, concrete actions help me more than promises that everything's going to be okay or i'm strong enough to handle this, blah blah. but if you do want more along that line, try my suicide tag for support and more advice.

this fucking sucks and it's okay that it fucking sucks, you don't need to paint a smiley face on a pile of shit and try to act grateful about it. just try and take care of yourself as best you're able, and don't let those thoughts gain a foothold, alright? you'll get through this, sweetheart.

[myafterlifeisbetterthenyours]

OBSESSIVE STOLAS x Male Imp pt.5

(Hold up!!! Before you read this, at the bottom I've left links to the first 4 parts. Go read them first, so youve got all the back story.)

((This is a long fanfic and will consist of multiple parts.)

True to your word, you sent him the address later that day.

You agreed to meet up in the afternoon, telling him the meeting up time to meet.

Stolas had suggested a dinner date, but you had turned that down for some reason, telling him you had a better idea.

You had actually asked him on a date.

So happy was he, the rest of the day seemed to pass in the blink of an eye, the owl caught in a blissful haze.

Eventually it was dinner time, where the prince found himself eating alone, again.

He hadn't eaten with his family since, well you know.

He chose something simple.

Leftovers.

Grabbing the plate of last night's roast, he popped them into the microwave.

As he waited for his meal to heat, he quickly scrolled through his phone.

He was checking your voxtigram again, enjoying the collection of photos of you.

As he looked through he found the picture of you and Blitzø, the sight sending a pang of regret through his chest.

It was strange to think, just a day ago, he'd been head over heels for the Imp. Totally infatuated with him, and now... now he knew the truth.

Blitzø saw him as a meal ticket,nothing more.

He was just way to get to the living realm. What an idiot he'd been, a few kind words, a bit of sex there and he was totally under Blitzøs spell. He felt like an idiot.

His eyes shifted to you, and such warmth bloomed through his chest.

But you. You were genuine. You didn't want money or power, you wanted to make him happy.

You wanted to actually spend time with him, he wasn't just a meal ticket to you, he was someone worthy of love an attention.

He knew you weren't in love with him, not yet, but you would be, he'd show you just how worthy he was of your love.

His thoughts were interrupted by his dinner finished heating up.

He ate in silence, Stolas spending the whole time staring at the pictures of you.

After dinner he went for a shower, the hot water cascading down his body, the heat reminding him of the warmth you brought him just a day ago.

His thought slid to his time with you, fantasising about how intimate, how delicate and seductive you'd been.

The complete opposite of Blitzø.

His thighs ground together, his breath picking up as he slid a hand between his thighs.

He imagined you, holding him close, treating him like that delicate work of art, bringing him pleasure he didn't know existed.

Pleasure racked his body, his breathing hitched. And before he knew it, a mind shattering orgasm wracked his body.

After recovering from his little self pleasuring, he cleaned himself up and got out of the shower.

Walking into his room, he fell on his bed, feeling quiet satisfied. Curling up in bed, he fantasied about what the next day could hold for him.

He had a dreamless sleep that night waking up later than he had the morning prior, finding himself again, well rested.

Getting up, he went about his usual morning routine, all the way until he chose his outfit.

You had said something about wine, so did that mean it was more of a fine dining establishment. But you had said a pizza place right? So was it more of a casual, family restaurant.

He spent nearly half an hour thinking it over before he just decided to text you.

Stolas: Is there a dress code for tonight? I'm just picking out my outfit and don't want to come over dressed, I want something that to wow! you.

(Y/N): Hehehe, not really. Pick something casual and probably bring a coat as well, It gets kinda chilly out there at night.

(Y/N): We'll only be staying at the restaurant to eat, then I've got something planned for afterwards elsewhere.

Stolas: Is that so? And what have you got planned, something exciting I hope.

(Y/N): Nu uh, no hints. You'll just have to wait till tonight.

Stolas: Not even a little hint? 🥺🥺🥺

(Y/N): Nope, but I can promise it'll at least be the most romantic thing an Imp has ever done for you.

That kinda stung, bringing many unwanted memories to the forefront of his mind. You quickly texted again,

(Y/N): Fuck, I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything like that. I just, doubt an Imp like me could match the typical royal date.

Stolas: it's alright, I understand what you meant.

(Y/N): But I can promise it'll be the most romantic thing someone's done with you on a budget.

Stolas actually laughed at that, falling onto his bed like a teenager. The two of you exchanged a little more info, before he finally picked an outfit.

He chose a fairly simple outfit; A stylish pair of jeans, a simple red and black T-shirt with a rather attractive heart pattern across it and then it was one of his favourite leather jackets with a beautiful fur collar

He left the manor grounds just as the sun began to set, the city night-life around the manor already beginning to pick up.

It was a fairly short drive, most people knowing to stay out of the way of a royal limousines.

Finding the street and location you'd described, he had the limo park in front of a rather unassuming building, not really looking any different from the hundred other boarded up buildings on the block.

Getting out, he stood there for a few minutes before he heard you call out. 'Hey good lookin, looking for a good time?' Turning around, he found you approaching.

You carried a simple wicker basket, wearing a humble, yet fitting attire,

You wore a stylish black T-shirt that seemed to just cling to all the right places, your jeans were faded, but not enough to warrant throwing out. And a pair of simple black shoes.

When you got closer, the demon piped up, 'If you were planning a picnic, the basket kind of gives it away.' He told you playfully.

You released a laugh, shaking your head. 'Nah, all that's already set up. I just don't wanna carry everything from here to there by hand.' You told him simply.

'Ooooh' he cood, 'and what is it your getting here, hmm?' He asked, playfully gesturing to the building.

'Oh you know, this and that, you'll be surprised how much they serve here.' You told him just as playful.

Stolas stood up before looking around, 'Speaking of what they serve here', I can't help but wonder where "here" is, this doesn't exactly look like a restaurant.' He told you, gesturing to the rather dull wall of buildings before you.

You just chuckled, looking up at the prince before telling him, 'Dont judge a book by its cover, dear prince of mine' you told him playfully.

You hadn't realised it, but when you called him yours, it sent a wave of euphoria through the owl that he simply couldn't describe.

His mind was addled, the owl clutched himself as he watched you speak, to caught up in this feeling to catch what you said.

He was snapped from his stupor, when he found you were looking up at him, seemingly expecting a response.

The owl panicked, snapping to attention and blurting out, 'Of course, words to live by,' before he just stood there, smiling like an idiot.

You stared at him for several moments, the awkwardness so palpable you could practically see it in the air.

After another moment, Stolas shook his head, 'S-sorry, uh, what was that last thing?' He asked, trying to salvage the situation.

You chuckled, shaking your head, 'nothin, let's go shall we?' You asked him, stepping forward.

He followed close behind, following you into a nearby alleyway.

He followed in silence, but as your path grew longer he decided to ask where you were going. Only for you to suddenly stop and turn towards a large metal shudder.

Looking up at him, you did a little knock on the shudder, before just standing there.

A few minutes pass by before Stolas whispered, 'what are we waiting for?'

You laughed at that, before telling him, 'He always takes a minute to get here... any second now.'

A few seconds go by, just as Stolas was gonna pipe up again, the shudder suddenly shot up, revealing an middle aged Imp carrying a shotgun.

The Imp stared at him for a few moments before looking down and spotting you, 'Oh (Y/n)! Didnt expect you so early.' He told you, lowering the shotgun, 'who's the string bean?' He asked bluntly.

You just laughed as Stolas became indignant, looking himself up and down before asking himself if he really look like a string bean?

''This is my...' you hesitated for a moment, the owl held his breath, waiting for you to finish the sentence

'... my date' you finished, 'this is my date "Prince" Stolas.' You told him firmly, enough pride in your voice to make Stolas flush.

The Imp looked him up and down, 'A prince huh? Damn (Y/n), really pickin up your game' The older Imp gave you a rather lecherous grin.

You scoffed, stepping forward and asking 'Can we come in or are we just gonna stand around talking all night?'

The elder Imp just huffed before stepping out of the way.

The two of you walked into a somewhat narrow stairwell, the prince having to crouch walk to squeeze in there.

'Sorry 'bout the tight fit there your highness, we usually only get Imps down here, it'll be more roomy downstairs.' The old Imp spoke up as they made there way down the stairs.

Stolas chose not to reply, choosing instead to just take it in stride.

It was another minute of walking down the cramped stairwell when they suddenly entered a much larger chamber, the owl able to stand up.

Once he'd stretched his back, Stolas got a good look around, and found himself transfixed by the splendour of the place.

Honestly the place could probably give most of the restaurants he'd been too a run for there money.

It was a large hall, clearly some old structure with black bricks making up most of the walls.

A number of quaint little lanterns hung from the roof giving the whole chamber a pleasantly dim atmosphere.

A series of tables filled the centre of the chamber, each one decked in a cloth, with its very own candle lit center piece.

The architecture created smaller arches along the walls, many of them gave way to small booths where other Imps were enjoying there meal. While others were filled in by wine wracks, each one filled with a variety of bottles.

'My it's... it's...' before Stolas could finish, you cut in, 'yeah... I know, it's not exactly the rits, but for an Imp run business, it's pretty sophisticated.' You seemed disappointed, likely having interpreting his stunned silence as disappointment.

Stolas quickly cleared that up, telling you 'it's beautiful, I've never seen a place like it.' He told you honestly.

Looking down he found you positively beaming.

Reaching out, you grabbed his hand. You dragged him along like an excited child, taking him to what was obviously the front desk.

Placing the wicker basket on top the counter, you binged the bell.

A moment passed before a shorter and clearly much older Imp walked out. Upon seeing you there face lit up, 'Oh (Y/N), so good to see you.' They said cheerfully, pulling out a medium leather bound book from under the counter, they looked up and said, 'Lets see. Ah! Here you are. One table. A high ceiling and a strong bottle, correct?' They asked pleasantly.

You just nodded, them quickly putting the book away and began leading you away.

He found himself led into another chamber, this one much smaller but still just as pleasant.

In this one, a quaint little chandelier, giving the room a pleasant warm glow.

The older Imp quickly left, promising to bring menu's upon his return.

You led him in 'Beautiful place, isn't it?' You asked, seeming a hundred miles away.

'It is' He agreed, never taking his eyes off of you.

It took a few moments, but eventually you locked eyes, a smile growing across your lips.

After a moment, you seemed to snap back to reality, quickly walking over and pulling out one of the chairs, 'Your highness' you told him, an almost seductive tone to your voice.

'Such a gentleman' he spoke playfully, taking his seat.

Pushing him in, you walked around and took your seat.

Sitting down, you leaned forward, the two of you sitting in silence for a moment, neither of you sure what to say.

Eventually you spoke up, 'Can... can I ask you something?' You asked hesitantly.

Stolas, seeing the mood shift, leaned forward, responding with 'of course you can... what is it?'

You took a moment, placing your mouth behind your balled fist, 'I just... I just want to know... What is this?' You asked somberly.

That took him off guard, 'I, uh... I thought this was a date,' he tried to lighten the mood.

You did smile at that, but it was short lived, the sombre look returning.

'No... I mean like, you and me. What is this?' You asked him.

Stolas found himself at a loss.

What were you?

This was a date, wasn't it? So that would make you a potential couple? But he was already married... so, what the hell did that make you?

He sat there for longer than he'd like without an answer, before he felt he just had to say something. 'I don't... I don't know.' He told you honestly.

'I mean, this is a date? And I uh...' He didn't know were to go.

Out of options, he decided to do something that hadn't gone the best for him lately, but with you he felt it would be his best course to take.

He was gonna go with his gut.

'I want there to be something.' He told you, 'You make me feel like... like I deserve to be loved. Like I can be loved... Something I haven't felt in quiet a while.'

'I haven't felt like I really deserve anything in... Hell.... Decades?' He was tearing up now, his voice thick with emotion, 'I don't know if I deserve love, (Y/N).'

'I only ever seem to end up hurting the people I care about.' Tears formed in his eyes, the owl gripped his head, 'Lately I feel like a curse. Like I can only bring pain and misery to those around me... and after what I've done, I can't help but feel I deserve it.'

He looked up at you, a little smile across his face, 'But you... you make me feel like... like someone cares about me... Like someone cares about what I want. And you don't want anything from me... your not just using me as a means to an end... You care about me.' He was shaking now, a gentle tear sliding down his cheek.

He sat there for a moment, on the brink of tears, just as he felt you grab his hand.

Looking down he found you gently grasping his hand. You slowly inspected it, gently running your fingers along the long slender digits.

'You know...' you began, unease in your voice. 'I had no idea what I was doing, that first time.'

'I wanted to cheer you up, make you smile.' You let out a little chuckle, 'And as cliché as it might sound, I could tell you just wanted someone to love you, to make you feel something.' you smiled up at him.

'I knew you needed some kind of affection and I... I couldn't just let you sit there, drowning in despair. So I did it, I gave you the love you needed' You told him, your voice getting a little unbalanced.

You looked up at him, your throat tightening and voice becoming shaky, 'And if after that first time together... I after what we did... you had said you wanted to just pretend like nothing happened. I would have accepted it. I could have accepted that.' You told him firmly.

'Theres so much misery around me, so many suffering for no real reason. So if I could make you happy, even for just a moment. I'd be happy.' A smile spreading across your face.

'I don't know what's gonna happen next.' You told him. 'And I don't know what's gonna happen next.'

Your voice grew firmer, as did your resolve. 'But I wanna get closer to you and you wanna get closer to me. So how's about we just... see where this goes?' You asked him.

Stolas was a little shocked, 'You... you'd really do that, just give it a shot, to be with me?' He asked incredulously.

You just nodded your head, a little smile across your face, 'I... I wanna be with you Stolas, if that's alright with you?' You asked almost playfully.

Stolas couldn't help but laugh, vigorously nodding his head, 'Yes, Yes, a thousand times Yes.' He told you getting to his feet.

His emense height allowing him to lean over the table, locking you into a passionate kiss.

The Owl couldn't help it, he pressed into the kiss, so much so he was scared he might hurt your lips.

But he just couldn't help it, he was feeling such passion right now, all he could think to do was get as close to you as possible.

Hey Hey. Doing some old stories now. I've got so many requests I think I'll just relax a little, do them at my own pace.

This is the 5th part of my series Here's the link to my other chapters

OBSESSIVE STOLAS X Male Imp Pt.1

OBSESSIVE STOLAS x Male Imp Pt.2

OBSESSIVE STOLAS X Male Imp Pt.3

OBSESSIVE STOLAS x Male Imp pt.4

so check that out. I'm gonna be doing some more of my own original works lately, but feel free to leave a request, just don't expect me to get to it any time soon. Any way, hope you enjoyed the story. Bye Bye.

[peanutpinet]

Lucas (mafia leader) x Reader (female)

A/N: I had this thought for days now and was like, ya know, just let it out. This is my first NCT (?) WayV (?) fanfic? Scenario? Yea XD For those who have read my past fanfics/scenarios, you know how horrible I am in explaining XD but yea, essentially I just imagine that you, the reader are a uni student whilst Lucas is part of the NCT mafia, "leader" of the WayV unit (I know Kun is technically the leader, but just for the sake of the story), okie, leggo

Sighing in defeat, you gathered all your books, stationery and some clothing before sneakily going out of your dorm and to your boyfriend's apartment since he gave you the spare key, saying that it was for emergencies or whenever you wanted to come over.

After texting Lucas that you were heading to his apartment, you went to grab a cab and head there. Truth be told, you never really went there and only got the address from Lucas. Which is why upon arriving, your jaw nearly dropped when you saw his apartment; even making sure whether the address Lucas gave last time was the exact one and making a mental note to yourself to look up things beforehand.

Upon arriving, you felt like you just came from the countryside to the big city. You went to the front desk and inform them who were you looking for, handing in your ID card and was immediately directed to the elevator, one of the securities pressing the highest floor of the elevator and left you in the elevator on your own.

Just when you thought that it couldn't get any fancier, the minute you stepped out of the elevator, you were amazed at the decor and the fact that there was only one door made it even grander. Taking out the key Lucas gave you, you were actually hoping that it wasn't the correct one and Lucas just sent you the wrong address but as it turns out, the key fits and you took a deep breath, walking into the room.

But on Lucas' side, he actually didn't receive your text message. So, the second he heard someone coming into his suite, he was already reaching for his gun because he wasn't really expecting anyone to come. But as soon as he heard your signature nervous voice, he felt relieved but worried at the same time. Did something happen to you?

"Lucas? Ar-are you in here? The people at the front desk just directed me here. I uh sent you a text" you called out

"I'm here sweetheart. Now, what brings you here at this late hour? Is there anyone I should be concern with?" Lucas stated, coming out of his bedroom

"Huh? Wow. I mean, no. Sorry, it's my first time here. I uh, I was just wondering if I could stay for the night. The dorm was so loud that I couldn't study nor sleep" you admitted, trying to avoid eye contact with Lucas, thinking that it was a lame excuse to come over

"Of course you can. I gave you the spare key for a reason, didn't I? Uh, sorry about the mess and all. I didn't expect you to come. I didn't receive any messages. C'mere sweetheart" Lucas mentioned, giving a hand motion for you to go to him

"Really?! I could've sworn I...(looks at your phone) I forgot to click the send button" you sighed, hitting your head as you went over to Lucas

"Hey, hey. Don't do that. You'll hurt your brain even more. No harm sweetheart. My place is yours. Come. I'll order some McDonalds as well if you'd like" Lucas cooed, bringing you into his office

"Damn. Two desktops?! Bro and this processor is the latest one?!" you commented, placing your bag down and immediately inspecting his desk

"Sometimes I play some games with the guys. Feel free to use it if you'd like. Lemon tea or coke?" Lucas asked, scrolling through his phone

"Lemon tea, no ice. It's worth the money better. Are you sure I can study here? Am I not disturbing you?" you questioned, sitting on the chair

"Not at all, sweetheart. It's almost 10pm. I'm done with work. You're free to use my computer. I've ordered your favourites already. I'm going to go for a shower for a bit. Feel free to turn on some music as well, alright? And please don't study for too long. I worry you'll hurt that gorgeous head of yours" Lucas chuckled, kissing your forehead before leaving you in his study room

After settling, putting on some music with your account (which was already in Lucas' Spotify), you grabbed your books and stationery then started to study for your finals. In the midst of it, you heard Lucas coming in with McDonalds; wearing a plain T-shirt and sweats.

Because there was only one chair in his office, with your consent, Lucas placed you on his lap as he was feeding you McDonalds whilst scrolling through his phone, occasionally leaning his head on your back as he does so.

After finishing the food, Lucas was about to get up and cleaned up so you could study a bit better since he knew you didn't like a messy space but when he felt your head slightly leaning backwards, he questioned whether you were already sleepy or not.

"What's wrong love? Tired?" Lucas murmured as he placed his chin on your neck, wrapping his long arms around your waist

"Huh? Oh? Sorry. I didn't realise I was leaning back" you yawned, scrubbing your eyes but Lucas stopped the motion

"Don't. Your eyes will get irritated. I think it's about time you sleep, hmm?" Lucas commented, tucking a hair behind your ear as he kissed the side of your cheek

"Hmm. I guess so" you sighed, leaning onto Lucas's chest

"Alright princess, let me just shut everything off. Kay, let's go to bed" Lucas chuckled, carrying your small figure in his arms and tucking you into his bed before going to the other side of the bed

The next morning, you were woken up by the sound of your phone's alarm but just stayed in bed whilst scrolling through your phone until you realised that you had exams that starts in 45 minutes. Immediately, you got up and went back to the study room to grab your clothes, without even calling out to Lucas and head to the bathroom to get ready.

After getting ready, you were so ready to rush out the door and call a cab until Lucas finally called out to you. Once you told him that your exam was starting in literally 15 minutes, he just chuckled and told you that he'll drive you there; which was a first since all this time, you guys just have dates near your campus since your dorm had strict rules and Lucas would just walk you there (A/N: how you guys met is a story for next time, lol).

After packing some food for you, Lucas grabbed his car keys in one hand and your hand in the other, making your way down to the parking lot where your jaw also almost dropped again since the car Lucas owned is probably enough to pay your whole entire undergraduate life.

Whilst in the car, Lucas told you to eat so you wouldn't be hungry during the exam. He also mentioned that he'll come to pick you up to celebrate finishing your finals since he knew that you've been stressing over this last final for weeks; saying that he'll treat you out.

Once you've arrived, Lucas pulled you to give a slight peck on your forehead, encouraging you to do well in your finals and that he'll see you right after you're done. You smiled and thank him. Getting out of the car, you saw nearly the whole campus that was by the front gate staring at you; even your friends were stunned before rushing to you, managing to get a glimpse at Lucas who just smiled before leaving.

"Gurl!! I knew your boyfriend was hot, but well off? You definitely hit the jackpot!!" one of your friends blurted

"Sis!! Can we save the conversation for later? I need to get this exam over with first" you bargained

"Okay, okay, good luck with your exams!! I'll see you later!!" your friend exclaimed as you went to your exam hall

Thankfully, the exam wasn't as hard as you'd thought. You didn't know if it's because Lucas actually helped you study since he actually knew the subject or something else but you were glad to finally be done with it. After the exam, you got a text from Lucas, saying that he'll be running a bit late which you didn't mind. Your friend, who was also done with her exam, came to your exam hall and didn't spare a second before plastering with all sorts of questions.

Asking you where you've been the night before since you weren't at your dorm; and when you told her you were at Lucas' place, she squealed, asking if you guys did anything spicy which you immediately cut her off, saying that you just went there to study because the rooms near yours were getting too loud and rowdy.

You also explained how kind and caring Lucas was; despite the amount of work he had to deal with, he was still soft when it came to you. Ordering your favourites from McDonalds, letting you just barged into his apartment whenever and even using whatever he had; hearing this, all your friend can do was just squeal, saying that Lucas was the perfect boyfriend.

And right on cue, Lucas texted you saying that he's almost at the front gate. Your friend saw your smile and teased the heck out of you before letting you off just because she supported your relationship; knowing that you had a rough past and it was nice to finally see you happy with someone; someone that genuinely cares about you.

But of course, life ain't that easy. Because just as you were skidding along the halls to the front gate, you accidentally bumped into someone and dropped your phone. You immediately apologised about to get your phone when the person you bumped into stepped on your phone. Looking up, you met with the campus' miss popular with her boyfriend.

"Can you please let go. I really have to go now" you sighed, looking up

"Can't your boyfriend get you another one? Oh wait, is he the one that you're meeting? Honestly, I dunno what he sees in you. Oh wait, I think I do. He's probably just in it to play around or probably did it because of a bet" the girl scoffed but you were just not having it and shoved her feet off, nearly falling if it weren't for her boyfriend being there

After getting your phone, you were about to make a run for it before she grabbed your hair, pulling you back and making you fall; calling you names and all. When you got back to your feet again, she nearly slapped you when you got ahold of her hand about to push her back when her boyfriend came and took your hand, twisting it behind your back, allowing an opening for her to get a good punch out of you.

It felt like forever since you were trapped between the two "bullies" of your campus and for Lucas, it meant something was wrong. It's been almost 30 minutes since he arrived and called you but there was no answer at all. Frustrated, he called Winwin to track your phone as he went in to find you; thinking that you were held captive by one of NCT's enemy.

When he did see you, he felt a slight relief that it wasn't one of NCT's enemy but he was still very much pissed at the sight. When the girl was about to hit you for like the 15th time, Lucas grabbed ahold of her arm, throwing her to the floor before looking at her boyfriend who turns out to be one of the bartenders in one of NCT's bars.

"B-boss..." the man stammered, letting go of your hand as you almost dropped if it weren't for Lucas catching you

"You better come to work tonight. We'll have a lil discussion about respect? Hmm? Make sure everyone comes. Or I'll just have to report Taeyong about this" Lucas growled, making the man cowered in fear

"N-no sir. Everyone will come tonight" the man stuttered as Lucas stood up, holding your figure firmly in his arms

"Good. Wouldn't want to make a big deal out of this hmm? Oh, and do bring your girlfriend while I take mine to treat the wounds you both caused" Lucas scoffed, bringing you out of the campus

Once you've reached his car, he gently placed you and put your seatbelt on before going to the driver's seat. Once he was in, he called Kun, telling him what happened and that he's planning to have a meeting later tonight in the bar. After the call, Lucas took your hand in his, stroking your knuckles as he drove back to his apartment.

Upon arriving, he helped you get out of the car and into his apartment. Inside, he brought you to his room before going to the bathroom and grabbing some medicine for your bruised face and cut on the lips. Lucas treated all your wounds as gently as possible, worrying that he might accidentally hurt you, treating you as if you're as fragile as an egg.

After he was done, he threw all the cotton buds and ordered some food for the both of you; knowing that you will tell him whenever you're ready. He put his hoodie onto you before bringing you to the living room to cuddle and just watch the whole day. Occasionally, food will come and it was all from your favourite restaurants.

After the next 5th Disney movie ended, you told Lucas that you wanted to take a shower and he told you that you can borrow any of his clothes. He even said that he'll run you a bath but you told him that you were just going to take a light shower which Lucas didn't mind. Whilst you were showering, Lucas prepared a T-shirt and shorts along with the hoodie you were just wearing.

After your shower and putting on the clothes Lucas prepared, Lucas came and redid the medicine on your wounds before going back to watching some heart-warming movies on the bed. Feeling better, you decided to tell Lucas what happened and whilst it seemed that he was calm, his mind was off wondering the endless possibilities of teaching the two that harm you; whether it'd be physically or mentally.

Either way, Lucas listened to all your rambles, wrapping his arm around your shoulder, leaning you onto his chest, giving kisses on your forehead, cheeks and occasionally your neck, chuckling when he saw you flustered; basically making you 10x better, treating you like a queen up until you fell asleep.

When you did fall asleep, he gently tucked you into bed, kissing your forehead, smiling at your sleeping figure before leaving the room to the bar where he was more than ready to make the two-person harmed you suffer; not forgetting to ask Hendery and Yangyang to come over to watch over you.

"Sleep tight sweetheart. I'll be back before you know it, alright? No one treats my queen like trash and gets away with it" Lucas mumbled, kissing your forehead as he left as quietly as possible

and let's just say that everyone in the bar that night experienced a side of Lucas that no one would like to see or hear ever again.

"Try and lay a finger on her again, I won't be so nice next time" Lucas scoffed, seeing all the staff looked down, especially the two-person who hurt you

A/N: I hope that this was alright but yea, this fanfic has been stuck in my head for days

[hms-no-fun]

what was the most frustrating and/or fun part involved in formatting godfeels?

the first thing to know is that when i started gf1 i knew jack shit about html and css. i've always REALLY struggled with coding, but i forced myself to learn when faced with the horrible possibility of publishing a homestuck fic in all-black lucida. can you imagine??

i didn't do this on purpose, but as the series went along i always found a new thing that i wanted to try to test my own meager abilities as a novice code understander. it's funny, i very specifically remember writing these lines in gf1--

--and thinking, man, that's a really cool effect! breaking the grammar rules for emotional impact by having "leave" on its own line separated by line breaks like that is pretty much where the entire meta aspect of godfeels started, and you could even go so far as to say that this is the moment when the gf universe becomes metaphysically distinct from homestuck? idk if that's the best way to put it but looking back on it and even at the time, this moment always felt extremely important as a style choice with narrative implications.

formatting is a pain in the ass, but it gets less so every time i format a chapter. i've got a whole process now that i might go into at length sometime down the line (that'll be a long post though and probably won't have time for that in the immediate future), but i can tell you that my best friend is ctrl+f. the nice thing about homestuck's dialogue style is that you have these repeated consistent handles at the start of every line of dialogue. so you write a chapter and then you find and replace every instance of "Vriska:" with "<span class="vriska">Vriska:" and by god you're like 40% there!

uh. that is, if you keep your text color to the dialogue. which i... don't.

there's a lot of the process that's really tedious, but like, i play a lot of open world games. i kinda like tedium. i've got cut/paste bound to hotkeys so when i'm going through putting </span><br /> at the end of every line of dialogue i just put on some steely dan and hit f3 a bunch. hotkeys are also my best friend, they have saved me SO MUCH wrist strain (i think it was the Risk & Dare chapter that finally pushed me to learn what the fuck a hotkey is lmao).

the most ANNOYING formatting is always always always in the narration. when terezi's narration breaks and she just has a few letters showing through? yo that shit takes forever. then the way June, Risk, and Dare show who's fronting any given thought requires me to pay real close attention to the text as i'm going (i manually format my docs so that they look how they will when finished, it's really tough for me to feel the scene if it's not visually accurate)-- which wouldn't be a problem except i'm always in such a goddamned hurry that i start formatting immediately after deciding that a draft is ready to publish, which means i've probably been writing since dawn and now it's like 8pm and formatting will only take like an hour so i might as well just get it out of the way EXCEPT IT ALWAYS TAKES TWICE AS LONG because chapter 8 was a fucking BEHEAMOTH that damn near killed me

what's nice about having a team is that they can tell you "hey, maybe you should wait until tomorrow so you can do a finally quality check when you haven't been awake for 18 hours"

the most fun part of formatting is honestly just seeing the finished product. as much as godfeels is a work of prose fiction, it's always felt distinctly visual to me in a way that was heavily influenced by the likes of house of leaves and (closer to home) nellcromancer's revolution 23 years in the making. i spend a lot of time fine-tuning the amount of scrolling people have to do to get through any given chapter to make sure it's paced correctly, make sure it FEELS the way i want it to feel. a lot of times in the doc the more abstract formatting is stuff that i leave in brackets, like for instance the huge color scroll at the start of the ch8 epilogue.

that one was hypothetical and ready to be on the chopping block until like a day before i published the chapter. a lot of the formatting tricks i've done are built off of things i did before, right- so i did the linebreaks in the screenshot from gf1 above, and expanded that style choice exponentially with each chapter. i wanted to have a cut to black in one of the early parts of ch8 that zoe figured out from me, then i modified her code to allow for Epigone's ugly-ass green background when it takes over (something i didn't plan until i realized it was possible with tools i already had --see how that works?). so when i needed to signal symbolically a physical journey through the layers of each aspect of reality without explicitly revealing WHO was doing the journeying (i wanted you to presume it was "us" and that the "us" VV addressed until July left the scene was literally "us" and not Roxy & Callie), i felt like wrangling the css to do that would be a pain... but then i sat down and just sorta mapped it out?

and by god it just WORKED. that to me felt like a huge accomplishment, that i finally understood the tools i was working with enough to be able to plan it out in advance.

there's so many formatting moments like when Dare screams "YES!" at June, or in gf2.3 when June's completely shattered and drifting as Dare and Risk through her own consciousness with this fits and starts of unknowable perspective shifts, seeing them actually WORK on the page is unparalleled. there's always so much shit getting in the way of the words when it's not done, all those fucking squiggles (which i mostly turn off but sometimes they're helpful for spelling) and all the slight differences in how they process the shape and feel of different fonts, it's never until i see it on ao3 that it feels RIGHT to me. and that's the best part, always