#I've been getting like this more frequently i think it may be a bad sign of things to come

[skelebab]

Fjsnsfbshsn

I love my friends so muchhvhchchrjfngjdnd

@gerawrd-xd @roboobin @obsidian-order-of-course @ anyone who I can't remember (my cousin has an acc but I can't remember their username 😭) I am kissing you all on the foreheads and holding you close rn I love you fksmgnwlv skc d

[niphredil-14]

EEEEEEEE your writings make me roll around happily!

May I request a Donnie x reader where they communicate via asl during his non-verbal episodes? So we all know that Donnie knows asl and binary code, and it's theorised that his eyebrows are also important to express what he wants to say non-verbally (I heard that your expressions are also important in asl).

So imagine Donnie, during his non-verbal episodes and talking seems more tiring than usual. Unresponsive to reader's words and he'd just nod and his face is more expressive. Noticing this, reader pat Donnie's shoulder and starts to sign, and that's how their conversation went.

Cue Donnie falling hard.

I know that this has taken absolute ages to get out, so thanks for your patience! Also, if the quality of this is less than great, this is the first thing I've written (aside from school writing) in ages.

TSL- Turtle Sign Language

Don never had been very good at acknowledging his own feeling and needs, which, although he would deny it even in the face of torture, did frequently cause him many a problem. Such as the common occurrence of Donnie denying and ignoring his sensory issues, exhaustion and stress, which when all put together, caused him to shut down. That was where they found him, on the floor by the foot of his bed, knees pressed to his plastron, with a weighted blanket replacing his battle shell. The lights were all off, except for the tablet propped up a foot or so away from him, soft sounds of someone whispering, most likely an ASMR video, playing from the device. After a quick knock on the door, they cracked it open and peeked inside, not bothering to wait for an answer. His eyes glanced up from the tablet to meet their gaze.

"Is it okay if I come in?" They said softly. He nodded, and watched as they walked in and closed the door behind them, making their way over to him. They pointed to the open space on the floor next to him, and with their voice low, and just as soft,

"Do you mind if I sit?" Donnie raised his eyebrows and gave them a small smile, giving a small shake of his head before jerking it sideways, to motion for them to sit with him. After getting situated, they asked another question,

"Are you okay, Dee? Leo said you left really suddenly." Donatello gave a light shrug, pulling the weighted blanket more around his shoulders, before finally giving them a small nod. Upon not receiving a response from his companion, he let his eyes wander back to the video. The screen displayed a dim background with fairy lights and a woman holding her index finger up and slowly drawing patterns in the air in front of her, asking after each one what shapes and images she had traced. The two of them sat in silence for a few minutes, following the woman's directions and answering her questions, until Donnie's attention was grabbed by his friend, who leaned forward and was staring intently at him. He turned his head to gaze at them, and raised the muscle over his browbone, causing the faded, drawn-on eyebrow on his mask to raise almost as drastically. They seemed to take a moment to think before they raised their hands a bit and began to motion, forming signs familiar to Don.

'Is there anything I can do to help you?" Donnie's eyes shot wide open, and he released his grip on the weighted blanket to raise his hands and sign back to them.

'You know sign?' He questioned them, one thick, marker-made eyebrow raised comically higher than the other. His signs looked slightly different, which they assumed was just an adaptation made due to his distinct anatomy, but they could understand him regardless. They smiled wide at him, a proud glint in their eyes, and began to sign their affirmation to him. A smile formed on his face, his bad-boy image being challenged by just how heartwarmingly sweet the look in his eyes was. Their hands began to move again.

'So, is there anything I can do?' His own hands flying in response, his excitement and joy apparent with the speed at which he moved his hands, and the expression shining so brightly on his face.

'Just being here with me is really helpful, thank you.' Their smile grew to match his.

'You don't need to thank me, Don, there's nowhere I'd rather be.'

[valentine-writes]

Spot nation is here humbly requesting again u-u One of your recent works breifly touched on The Spot getting protective over an upset reader. Would love to read your take on expanding that concept. :^] Make it as lighthearted or serious as you like! Maybe the reader has to tell him to chill out instead. Like, we love you queen but take it easy. No worries if this isn't smthn you want to do! Loving your writing in general! Take care :>

:(

「 tws + notes: POSSIBLE FLASH WARNING FOR THE GIF BELOW THE CUT?? (jus to be safe!! idk if this is needed or not-), no tws, unedited, super silly moment from me im not in a slash srs mood 」

「 gn!reader, can be platonic or romantic <3 」

↳ ft. johnathan ohnn/the spot

author's note: AUWWHJWAB HELLO!!! u are so so polite omg thank u so much ! ^_^ i luv tha enthusiasm i've been seein from spot nation tbh!!! o((>ω< ))o i'd be happy to expand on that hc! im gon make it a little teeny tiny bit more lighthearted becuz i luv myself some silly hcs but here we go!! super duper soz if itz a bit short anon </3

▸ i think i like writing the spot as a silly lil dude who is jus tryin so so hard. but also he did work for Fucked Up Evil and Co. (alchemax is just brimming w/ all sorts of brilliant minds with horrifying ideas in the name of science. kingpin ran this shit and would not have it any other way) like he's not beyond being an absolute menace he just didn't have the means for it at the beginning of the movie. so we're gonna keep it lighthearted and silly but,,,

we're gonna keep this in mind too, yeah?

▸ you're incredibly dear to him. he's become a little more protective than he usually would be (can't have you being taken away from him! not after literally everyone else in life life ditched–) and it's just the littlest bit unhealthy.

he really does mean well! you just find yourself reminding him to dial it down a bit.

▸ especially after he's gotten a hang of using his powers?... he's got the means to keep you from harm. he may still be insecure about his appearance, but those thoughts can be (temporarily) satiated when he knows what he can do.

the power at the multiverse, in the palm of his hand

i mean. you can't expect him to not want to defend you with it.

▸ you remind him, time and time again that he really doesn't need to check up on you that frequently. in spite of this, he can't help peeking into a portal, just to check on you here and there.

"i swear to you, i'll be fine." you tell him, time and time again- and he trusts you, he really does. but it doesn't hurt to be absolutely, positively, 100% certain, right?

▸ on the days you're upset because of a particularly bad day (not specifically conflict with people, just little things or internal issues, etc, etc... the Horrors,,,,) he offers the support he knows that he'd want.

if you're a person who's obvious with their emotions, he's pretty okay with picking up the cues you're not doing fine. will start up a conversation and then awkwardly ask if you're doing okay.

it's a little more tricky if you're subtle. overtime, he learns what to look for- little signs that indicate you're not doing well- and ensures that he's straightforward in asking about how you're feeling.

and sometimes, he able to sense that something is off. there's a tension in the air neither of you want to talk about, a feeling in his bones that he can't quite shake. he dislikes this the most. mainly because it's easy to attribute this feeling to overthinking. he'll check up on how you're feeling anyways. even if it takes a while to muster the courage.

without fail, he feels his heart break a bit when you look up at him with the saddest expression he's seen on your face. your frown is almost painful to see :(

he's got a very formulaic strategy in his mind that he uses to help you deal with bad days

something like this mefinks,,,

[ step a: he starts by asking what's going on with you... ask how you're feeling and all that. if your mood is negative, he'll try to ask why and if you wanna talk about it ]

if you choose to take up the offer, go to step b. if you refuse, go to step c.

[ step b: listen! provide support, be attentive. he'll let you rant, scream about it (ok maybe not too loud though, but,, y'know. if it helps, it helps), cry- anything. if you do cry, go to step d ]

[ step c: distract!! distract, distract, distract. you got a favourite comfort show or movie? he tells you: hey, you haven't watched it in a while (even if you have), why don't we put it on? your favorite video game? he'll play with you! talk about your favorite things or talk about nothing while you grab a snack or drink. he knows avoiding stuff isn't gonna work for long term problems, but he's more than willing to cheer you up ]

[ step d: SILENTPANICSILENTPANIC... internally he's just kinda freaking out because it's hard to see you cry. he's not awful with comfort- just a little stiff, y'know? much better with distractions. but in the event of you crying: he'll rub your back, wrap his arms around you. or give you space (depending on what you need) probably goes "hey, no, no no- it's okay, it's okay-" while attempting to soothe you. gives you time to cry it out while he babbles reassurances under his breath. ]

he really does try his best (´꒳｀。)

▸ if you're beefing with someone and it's making you upset, he'll listen to you complain about them. out here nodding and agreeing with you like he was there to witness. again, he's got your back!!

(this part partially inspired by @//spdrslayr 's posts!!) in interest of cheering you up,,, you two make fun of the person.

if you're someone to openly bitch about someone and aren't afraid of getting a little mean behind someone's back,, he's making fun of them too.

of course, if you're like "noo,, but like,,, that's mean-" he's quick to remind you what they did. like they had the audacity, there's no need to be sorry.

if you're consumed by harrowing guilt anytime you're remotely rude (even behind someone's back) he'll tone the jokes down. just a little. he can be VERY a little out of pocket.

likes watching you try not to lose it, stifling laughter, as you share a moment over mutual hatred for said person

"hey– that wasn't.. that wasn't funny–" you're snicker, doing very little to hide the obvious smile on your face. he loves seeing your face brighten, the frown on it now replaced with a grin you just can't hold back

he's gonna crack jokes about them randomly too in your conversations. he's good at holding a grudge yeah,,, but at least in this case he's funny abt it. it's lowkey starting to sound like he was wronged instead of you.

▸ if someone hurts you? that's a whole other story. (hehe. whole- my bad.)

being inconsiderate, rude, and mean to you is one thing, but bringing physical harm to you?

he can't stand the idea that someone would want to harm you. it doesn't matter what happened in the events leading to it. he knows you didn't deserve it. he knows it. the minute he sees the tears stinging in your eyes,, the bruising on your body– the blood–

someone's going to have to answer for it.

(but im not talking abt him tryin to rock someone's shit becuz that would be 10x longer blehhhh :p)

[sailorsenshishitposter]

Dante x Reader

In which you are the pizza delivery man. Enjoy.

It was 3 AM and you had no idea why you couldn't just go home already. You worked at a pizza joint that the higher ups insisted on having open 24/7. You were on the night shift but you were so bored. After all, who orders food at this time of night? You were fiddling on your phone while your boss came in, surprising you.

It turns out that some mad man actually had requested delivery so you would need to head out once the order was finished being prepared. Twenty minutes later and you grabbed your coat along with the pizza box. "They don't pay me enough for this..." You entered your car and looked down at the handwritten note. "Who the hell doesn't even give an address? I'm supposed to drive all over Red Grave to find some place called Devil May Cry?"

You groaned. This would be a long night. Fourty five minutes of driving and you realized that the place must be in the bad part of town. "No wonder the guy didn't give an address. Who wants to get mugged or stabbed? I better make this quick!" Luckily you kept a pocket knife on you just in case a situation should arise. Another twenty minutes and you finally saw the giant, neon sign.

You glanced at the street to make sure you weren't going to be attacked by some crack head and end up on a world star video. "All clear." You were somewhat relived. "Now to get this over with so I can go home!" You made your way to the door and knocked. No response. "You've gotta be kidding me!"

You went to bang again this time but the door opened and your fist collided with a huge chest. It was so squishy that the recoil knocked your arm backwards, causing you to punch yourself in the face. "You okay man?" You waited for stars to leave your vision so you could get a good look at whatever the hell you just hit. It seemed to be a man in his fourties maybe? You weren't exactly sure how old but his hair was already gray.

He then woke you out of your thoughts. "Oh man. Is that a black eye? I've got some ice if you want it." You shook your head and told him you were fine. You would just be happy as soon as this nightmare was over. "My names Dante by the way." Dante? The same Dante who frequently called up your work over fifty times per week? The employees shuddered whenever they had to slave over another one of his exhausting orders.

"No olives right?" You remembered the last time a coworker accidentally added that ingredient. It's been three months since they were last seen. You opened up the box hesitantly and prayed to every God you could think of. You eventually opened your eyes. Thank God it was just pepperoni. "No olives sir."

You calculated his total and then told him the amount due. "Look, here's the thing. I don't really have money right now. Can I pay you some other way?" Now you were pissed. Who the hell orders food without any money! You then felt your hand be pressed to Dante's Tarzan style. That's when you finally took notice of what he had been wearing. A red thong with a matching velvet, bath robe.

He then started palming your crotch with his other hand. "Now that I think about it, I'd like to add some sausage to my order if you know what I mean..." You were too stunned to move or speak. "I thought this shit only happened in movies!" Just before he could continue, you heard a loud scream from upstairs. "DANTE I SWEAR ON MOTHER'S GRAVE THAT I WILL STAB YOU AGAIN IF YOU DON'T STOP HARASSING THE DELIVERY BOYS! NOW SHUT UP AND LET ME ENJOY WILLIAM BLAKE IN PIECE!"

More shouting soon followed. "HE'S DOING IT AGAIN! HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO TEACH YOU THIS LESSON OLD MAN!" Soon Dante was being dragged away by a younger man who coincidentally also had the same hair colour. He pulled out a robotic arm somehow (you weren't sure why you were still surprised at this point) and switched it with a can of raid.

"FUCK YOU!" Soon Dante was knocked out and laying unconscious on the floor. The younger man then took notice of you. "Shit, sorry about that. How much did he owe you?" He soon pulled out a wad of cash that was at least three times the size of the bill. The man looked at you with a face that said "please don't call the cops!" He shut the door and you went back to your car, trying to process the events you just witnessed. You were never going to be able to enjoy pizza again.

[tyguy275]

Chromebook Tech Literacy Masterpost

I've seen a lot of posts about the systemic death of tech literacy in schools with the advent of ChromeOS, and instead of responding to them one by one, I want to create a masterpost to destroy the system. First: FUCK CIPA. The Children's Internet Protection Act is a United States FCC act that standardizes internet safety across the country. Public schools are not required to comply with this act, but they will lose discounts offered for the E-rate program. In short, if you don't want to put up web filters, then you don't get government grants for technology and Internet. Fuck that. Many of these workarounds bank on my personal experiences, so some solutions may not work with your web filters, but they definitely are a step in the right direction. For talking with friends: chat rooms are your friend. Many chat rooms for professional use act just like Discord, and many are just a single text channel. Several I've used include: Google Messages, Rumbletalk, Slack, Element, ClickUp, Pumble, and... in a pinch, Google Docs can give you a shared document that's practically impossible to block. For watching videos: some chat rooms, especially Rumbletalk, allow you to directly embed a YouTube video. This is rare, however, so we found some workarounds. Canva has a video search and embed function that allows you to play YouTube videos straight from the editing page of their slideshows. For anime, a website that I don't think is maintained as well but should still work is AnimeTribes. It is a .ru site but it is perfectly safe, as long as you don't click on ads. I've never seen it redirect you otherwise, and the owner used to be commonly found on the chat page. Another piracy site is 9Anime, which doesn't work on Chromebooks but is an infinitely better source in general. A non-anime video piracy site is Arc018, which is my favorite. It does redirect you decently commonly, but just take care to avoid those redirects and follow piracy suggestions that I will lay out further down. For adblocking: the easiest method is to use uBlock Origin. Though, with all the stuff that Google has been doing, I'm not entirely sure if it works anymore. I gave up on Chrome the second I could get away from it and I suggest you all do the same. For playing games: so. I'm a nerd. I play Pokemon games. SO if you do too you're in luck. The only thing I could come up with was to download GPemu, a ChromeOS based emulator. Unfortunately it's pretty bad, but apparently there's an alternative called EmulatorJS. I never used it myself, but if someone wants to try it and let me know how it goes, that would be appreciated. HOWEVER, none of these work without the games to play them with. I'm going to detail piracy safety later, but for now: Vimm's Lair recently got axed by Nintendo's DMCA, but some ROMs may still be available. Another source (which is admittedly undergoing some major changes) is The Internet Archive. I haven't done a lot of searching on the Archive, and I don't know if it works on Chromebooks, but try it and let me know :).

Circumventing the web filter: While those solutions work for specific things you can do online, these present a general solution, capable of multitasking and providing you much more extended freedom. The first is CroxyProxy, a completely free proxy service that can be added through the Chrome Web Store. If the Web Store is blocked, it can be accessed via the direct website or through specific IP addresses. These change frequently, and I’m absolutely positive the ones that I have access to are blocked or simply go nowhere useful. The other option, assuming you have a home computer connected to the Internet at all times, is Chrome Remote Desktop. It will work as long as both computers are signed in to one shared Google account and both are connected to the Internet.

But Ty... none of this works for me: Oh boy. I guess it's time for my trump card. The pinnacle of my Chromebook workaround career has culminated in this. The ultimate destruction of ChromeOS, all without jailbreaking the computer and getting in a LOT of trouble (don't do that please). My magnum opus came from my blossoming understanding of emulation and, specifically, Windows images. During my senior year, I successfully used a trusted and necessary source (unblockable) to emulate a Windows computer entirely through a single Chrome tab. This source… Microsoft Azure. This cloud computing service allows the creation of a remote desktop that will save data when offline. The biggest hurdle with Azure is that… it costs money. However, when I did it, I got 200 hours of emulation FREE, and I would highly recommend you find the same deal, if it still works. Things to note: you can make multiple accounts, but you will need to also have separate payment cards, as multiple accounts with the same card will flag and not be usable. The frame rate is decently shit, and there is no physical graphics card, so the vast majority of games will not run. I mostly used it for Discord. However, feel free to experiment and make it your own. Use this knowledge wisely, and run free, my friends. Fuck CIPA, and fuck ChromeOS!

Please feel free to reblog or comment with more suggestions, because I would love to add them!

[caramelmachatwo]

"Just a little too soon."

ooooo another buzz album analysis, blue moon this time

Niki revealed that this was an anthem for "right person, wrong time", though the lyrics make a lot of sense and point towards that direction— there's more to it, there always is.

I know nothing about retrogrades or moon cycles, so I had to search things up before writing this, please spare my soul and this butchered attempt in connecting the dots. Don't take my assumptions as facts please, I don't want to be cursed.

People keep saying it's about losing someone that is rare, like a blue moon, I don't think 2-3 years is that long, completely disagreeing to what NASA says. But, when I think of it high school is also that long and a lot can happen during it. Saying this as a senior in high school, time completely flies.

I think it's a song about falling out of love from frequent quarrels, this "perfect" person that we ought to adore because you don't meet people like them often in our lives, thus we tend to cherish them more than others. Leading to tendencies that we create excuses for them to stay special even if they grow out of it, "I've never been worried 'bout my hands getting dirty, but you wash yours of any ownership." They're basically admitting that they are ashamed to be with you, no, appalled with the thought they could be yours. You don't say that to someone you love.

Of course, I had to look into the star signs: Niki is an Aquarius while the other is a Cancer (I did extensive research on this and their compatibility, they are NOT compatible). Niki said that this song is a sister song to "Pandemonium" which means chaos, a wild uproar. "Dying in the dark, it's written in the stars" as the bridge sings, looking up again in the sky and searching for clues that there was an end before it even started, "Was it written in the stars that we'd meet a little too soon?" blue-moon goes. In every person that we meet and end up loving, we hope to be there for their present and future. We hope for them to tell us more about their past, hearing stories that show what kind of person they were, reliving all the versions of they were before you met them, and no one says it, but we all pray that we meet the people we love in their best state. Not for our own convenience but we want them to be the happiest when we enter their lives, and it doesn't have to be all what you imagine "best" would be. It could simply just be being ready, ready to lose, ready to receive. The happiest is when they are able to let you be part of it, letting themselves be vulnerable in front of you, let themselves be who they are; may it be a part of themselves from the past or seeking out who they want to be in a few years. Best is already you, with or without fear, just willing to take the fall or finish with some bruises. Clearly, this person in the song wasn't in their best, not yet. And the song expresses colossal loss, wondering how would things turn out if they met on a different moon, another version of themselves. A version that they were both ready.

Too bad it was a little too soon :)

ps. Personally, I think there's no best version of yourself, you can't say it until you're settling down and dying, there are only ups and downs. You are not you're best only when you're happy, you can be in your best and still crumble into bad habits. Be depressed yet still thrive, there's no limit into saying what is or what isn't, and I guess that's one thing to keep living for as time goes. So, don't rely on chances, people, or astrology to determine how outcomes will be, let yourself be free from practicality, it could be once or an ungodly times where you have renounced yourself but that's what we are. And you choose whether to stand up, die in it, or my recommended option would be to start again. Let it be that.

[riderofblackdragons]

A Part Of Me's Dead With You

Day 20: Emotional Angst | shoulder to cry on | giving permission to die | "it's not your fault"

Me? Posting a fic on the wrong day? It's more likely than you think :) Fr though, I'm a few hours late, but I've enjoyed making this. It originally was going to used a different prompt than "shoulder to cry on", but I ended up going with this one instead bc it fit better i felt.

If anyone has any specific AU they want more of, send me an ask or something and I'll see what I can do :)

Hope you enjoy!

It was one of the only true things that was known: some days were worse than others, but no days were truly Good. A good day meant that there was enough food to have two meals that day, instead of the typical one. A good day meant that the Senate wasn't as bad as usual, that there was nothing of any substance going on.

Days tended to blend together after the first few months anyways. When pain was a constant, the few days without it begun to feel like a blessing, even when they really weren't. Injuries healed wrong all the time, but they still had to walk and run and move on them regardless. It was their job.

Being spat on was, quite frankly, one of the better things to happen. All the commanders could remember when Stone had lost his voice - they'd been lucky he'd lived past the bleeding, let alone being able to talk afterwards. He was never the same, without his voice.

He'd been relegated to the prison shift, afterwards. No point in having him on Senate Duty, when the Senators demanded he talk to them, even if it was just to say "yes sir" or "yes ma'am". Despite the frequent riots, prison was best.

At least then, he wouldn't be decomissioned for it. Not like some of the unlucky Corries on Senate Duty, who'd misspoken, or stumbled over their words, and had a form with their number on it promptly sent to Fox to sign off on it. As if he'd had the option of refusing without his own decommissioning request passing his desk.

The worst thing to happen was when Thorn had died. Fox had failed in his mission the weeks prior. Despite having killed the 501st man, they all knew that Thorn's death was because Fox had failed. The Corries weren't hidden to the dark depths of the Chancellor, they knew that he would absolutely go that far.

It made sense, to them, that he'd be able to get the Sepertists to invade Scipio whilst Thorn was there. Amidala's death would've been a bonus, but the real target had to have been Fox's men.

Stone could remember the day they'd found out about Thorn's death. For that matter, so could Thire. Fox's official office may have been far from the rest of the Corries, but it was an open secret that he'd work with the other commanders in their office when one of them was off-planet.

His screams, when he'd discovered it, would haunt the other commanders. The way he'd begged his datapad, like it could bring back his dead troopers. Like it could bring back Thorn.

Neither of them had realised what was going on at the time, either. Fox had been hyperventilating too hard to explain what had made him break down, so they hadn't realised until Stone had found his own message, informing him of Thorn's death.

It was such a small message, too. Thorn had died and they got a note saying that all their men on that mission had perished. There was another message from Senator Amidala, expressing her sorrow about it, but that didn't mean anything to the commanders.

They'd squeezed into one bunk that night, all three of them. There wasn't much room, but there was enough to let them cry together, to let out their emotions before they had to face their men in the morning.

Before they had to break to them the news that Thorn was dead, alongside a dozen men.

Tag List: @captain-effy @what-the-fuckis-happening @robininthelabyrinth

If anyone wants to be added lmk!

[actual-changeling]

i've only been on tumblr for a few months and just discovered there's a thing called blacklisting.

i'm not trying to be controversial or negative but i'm pretty sure that i'm in your blacklist. i'm just guessing based on what i see or don't, but i've got a couple of questions, if you don't mind.

i realize it could be a hassle, but have you considered that especially for new accounts, the blackslisted account may not know that what they did so they will continue that behavior and pass it on to others? Not everyone is as savvy as you are. (if i'm right, i will never get the benefit of interacting with you and you will never get the benefit of interacting with me and i do have things to offer)

would you rather that i stop reblogging and liking your stuff? i don't have a big following, but i reblog because i thought that we have a responsibility to reblog and get posts seen (esp artists). currently i reblog you a lot because for the most part i agree and enjoy your posts.

i think you're a really interesting person and very talented wordsmith. i wish we had more interaction, but i respect that you don't care much for me. in another world, i wish we were friends.

Cheers

Look, I block people for a small number of reasons.

they post content that is triggering to me

they actively harassed me in some shape or form (this includes me blocking people via hateful anon asks, which works but does not show you who they were)

they harassed someone i care about

they are very present in a tag I frequent and their content actively dampens my enjoyment of that topic and/or their content is not triggering but still upsetting enough to warrant a block simply to keep my experience here fun

they're openly being bigoted about something and show no signs of changing their opinion

they are or very much look like a bot

That's it. It is, in my opinion, a very reasonable list, and even if it weren't and I were to block people because their blog is blue, it still wouldn't matter because I get to curate my space.

Now, I have two observations to make.

a) You were able to send me this ask. Tumblr requires people to have an account to send anon asks.

b) You can see and interact with my content.

This means that I have not blocked the account you're using, otherwise you'd not even be able to find my blog, tumblr would send you straight to an error page.

So whatever has brought you to the conclusion that I blocked you, I did not, at least not the account you're currently using. Furthermore, I have honestly no clue who you might be, so even if I had blocked you, i wouldn't even know what to look for.

As long as you're not being an asshole on my posts, in general, or in my inbox then I don't care whether you interact with my stuff, you're free to do so if you want to, I'm not gonna sieve through my notes and check every single person's blog.

My DMs are open, my inbox is open, people can talk to me, I actively give y'all those options. Sometimes I'm bad at responding because I have shit memory for like ten different reasons which means I forget everything constantly, but other than that there's no rules except don't be a dick.

[meg2md]

When time, read: [ ] double barrel wet colostomy [ ] appendiceal cancer [ ] malignant bowel protocol [ ] May Thurner syndrome [ ] Po vs IV vs rectal vs vaginal contrast As always, so, so tired. Last "work" night of 5 weeks with a call shift tomorrow. So the night goes oncology night shift > present research @ 0930 > sleep > graduation @ 1800 > call shift.

I'm dreading the whole freaking day. My research proposal is not good. My slides are messed up. It's confusing. I think the study itself will be fine, but a 5 week night float was not the time or place to get my shit together for this. I just hope the program coordinator can find it within herself to update my slides in the morning, or else I'm fucked. And then I'm gonna get such LITTLE SLEEP before I have to go to graduation for 4 hrs and pretend to be in a good mood and socialize. At least my call shift right afterwards is normal R2 crap, antepartum/benign gynecology stuff.

To be honest covering the oncology service has been chill enough the past shift-and-half, except for when it's bad it's BAD and probably the worst service to be on. I like onc nights more than days, though, because there's not a lot of extra people and I can just sit in my little work room upstairs and be alone and read through things. It's mostly covering the OR at the end of the day shift, seeing overnight direct admits and transports, and following up vitals and miscellaneous labs, post-op checks, etc. And then sometimes people surgical emergencies, or people crump or straight up die.

So, a medicine service +/- OR time.

My first night I had two transports: a malignant large bowel obstruction iso newly diagnosed HGSOC that is being managed conservatively given its size <13 cm but also her significant neutropenia due to her neoadjuvant Avastin therapy (her prognosis.... isn't amazing), and a "frequent flier" with recurrent vulvar cancer (and the gnarliest genitourinary anatomy I've seen) s/p MULTIPLE resections, EUAs, ablations admitted with c/f sepsis in the setting of a new perirectal abscess. All things considered it went well enough but my presentations were rocky, like I'd expect them to be for a new R2, but I'm almost R3. I was flustered because they both came at the same time and the LBO made me nervous, so I felt rushed trying to get the other transport tucked in so I only had to call the attending once.

Tonight started out with the potential to be a NIGHTMARE. There were two ORs running late, an exlap followed by an EUA with one attending, and a robotic hyst with another, and then I got sign out on four (4) incoming transports, and I also had four (4) post-op checks all due around the same time. I ended up not having to go to the OR because the exlap said I don't need to scrub anyone out, the EUA was cancelled, and one of the transports came at the same time so my R3 said to see that instead of scrubbing her out.

It's a very sad case, though. I mean, all onc cases are sad, but she was with her dad which just tore at my heart. It's a woman <50 yo, no hx cancer, with 3-4 months of back pain who finally had an ultrasound and CT that showed 3 large abdominopelvic masses and widespread mets. :c She's getting omental biopsies tomorrow. We ultimately think it's appendiceal or some other gastrointestinal malignancy because her CA-125 is only about 180, which for a pre-menopausal woman is low. Another one where the prognosis is not very good.

Actually, none of these people I admitted have good prognoses. I guess that's just how gyne onc is. :-/

The other transports probably aren't coming but I'm going to try and prep them in a second. There's a pelvic fluid collection in a woman 5d s/p a hyst with a post-op course c/b May Thurner syndrome and PE s/p extensive thrombectomy now on Eliquis, another vulvar cancer patient whose left drain fell out and now there is c/f infection in addition to just general failure to thrive, and someone who probably won't come who was found to be hypokalemic apparently on outpatient labs. And then some mystery woman in her 80s that may or may not show up on the ED board with recurrent HGSOC and a GTube for gastrointestinal issues.

3 h til signout, and then I have about 2-2.5 hr to sleep and practice my presentation. I'm ready for this weekend to be overrrrrrrrrrrr

[charlesandmiranda]

Arrival!

Writing to you this morning from our hotel breakfast! Just wanted to fill in everyone about the rest of our trip before we start our first full day. I doubt we'll be able to post EVERY SINGLE DAY WE'RE HERE but we're definitely gonna try and keep it frequent enough to be interesting!

From our last post, we were heading from Baltimore to Toronto, which was a very quick hour and a half-ish flight. From Toronto, we headed straight to our gate to which started boarding shortly thereafter, so it was a pretty quick turn around. It was almost kind of a shame because airport was actually kinda pretty, and I wouldn't have hated a few extra minutes to look around at all the really lavishly decorated restaurants and stuff.

Then came the 14 hour flight. It IS a very long time, don't get me wrong, and by the end my back was VERY achy and my legs definitely craved stretching but also they keep the windows closed and the lights low for most of the trip so you honestly kind of lose track of how long you've been on there.

Charles and I both watched some movies on the flight; we started the first two episodes of Severance (which was also provided on the flight and I've been curious about for a while anyway -- anyone else here seen it?) and played games on our Switches. I also read a lot; I loaded my e-reader up before we left. In a weird way it was kind of nice to have such a long, uninterrupted time where there was nothing to do but leisure activities even if you're doing them in a mostly uncomfortable way --I think Charles and I (Charles especially) struggle with justifying how we spend our free time, always feeling like there has to be something else we can be working on or doing, but it's kind of a bad habit and terrible mental state to always be in, so we're working on it. Unfortunately, neither of us managed to get much sleep on the flight despite our best efforts, I think I managed maybe 20 minutes total?? So it wasn't super restful for sure.

Thankfully, our flight was kinda ahead of schedule, and we ended up landing around 5:00 PM / 17:00 which is like....3:00 AM for those of you in the Eastern US timezone! We're 12 hours ahead of y'all, so when I'm writing this, I'm writing to you from the future!!!

After getting through customs and immigration, baggage, etc. we were stopped by a news crew from a show called Why Did You Come To Japan? They seem to stop tourists at the airport pretty regularly, and we ended up talking to them for a while. Charles said that as someone who used to be a camera guy himself, he always tries to stop for folks filming stuff like that, because he knows how hard it can be to get people to talk to you and work with you. They were very interested in the fact it was our honeymoon, and that we got engaged here, and even more interested that we were really into Oishinbo, which is a food manga from the 80s/90s. It's not super popular in the US although personally I love & recommend it, and I kinda get the impression from the crew we spoke to that it's a classic but kinda old fashioned here. They said in all their years of doing these interviews, it was their first time having a foreigner mention it. They gave us a card and a slip of paper and asked us to contact them again, because they may be interested in meeting up with us again later in our trip to film more for the show (!?) so we'll see how that pans out I guess!

Speaking of, after we finally left the airport, we took the Skyliner train to Nippori, and then transferred to a JR Line train to get us to Shinjuku station. We've stayed in Shinjuku for at least part or all of our trips in the past, and it kind of feels like a home base for us now. We usually stay in or around the Kabukicho area, which is known as an entertainment district with lots of nightlife. If you want brilliantly lit signs and that crowded cyberpunk-y look, Kabukicho is a great place to be!

NOT THAT IT SUPER MATTERS, BUT the card in the photo, with Hello kitty and other Sanrio characters on it, is a Pasmo card, we each got one. Basically it's a little card that you can add money to, and you can use it to pay fare on most trains and buses, as well as lots of vending machines and stuff like that. You can top it off as you go as well.

We checked in to our hotel, the Shinjuku Gracery, and IMMEDIATELY needed to stretch out on the bed and shower the sweaty airport off of us, haha. The Gracery is built on top of a Toho Cinema movie theater, and the whole hotel has a very classy Godzilla theme to it. There's a to-scale Godzilla head built on top of part of the building, looking like he's about to demolish it, and he roars and blows steam out of his mouth, haha. To be honest, a night in the Gracery is one of our "we're on our honeymoon, we deserve this!" splurges -- it's one of the more expensive parts of our trip, given the rest of the time we'll be staying in smaller hotels and airbnbs and the like. We dished out a little extra cash to stay in what they call a Godzilla view room, where you can see the head of Godzilla that is mounted to the roof of the hotel from your room! Totally cool. I had to include specifically a picture of the shower, because I loooove these big hotel showers!

(sadly the filter for this exhibit not only doesn't fit my phone screen but also insanely reduced the image quality LOL)

We took a rest, then headed out to get a bite to eat. We hit up a ramen shop we'd been to in the past, and spent a while walking around the Kabukicho area, including the micro-bar district, Golden Gai. It was interesting to see what's changed and what hasn't since we were here last; for example, they were in the process of demolishing a VR arcade when we were last here, and now there's an ENORMOUS, lux-looking hotel in its place!

We ended up in the unfortunate position of feeling physically very tired but mentally pretty awake, and even though we spent time in our hotel room soaking in the bath, it was probably 1 AM our time before we actually fell asleep, meaning we were up for like....32 hours straight, I think?

Today, our plan is to check out a few shops in the area around Kabukicho, and a little later we'll be checking out and moving on to Akihabara, where our next hotel is. It's well known for being crammed with electronics and used and new like....nerd stuff, and is pretty close to a district jam packed with guitar shops, so we'll have a pretty full day! Stay tuned I suppose!!

Til next time!

[orangesunsets12]

15 questions, 15 mutuals

Thanks so much to @mentallyundone for the tag, I appreciate it! This was super fun!

Are you named after anyone? No, I don't think so, and I'm not sure if I'm happy about that or not. I love having a unique name in the family, but being named after someone is so cool!

When was the last time you cried? I think...yesterday? I don't cry too frequently, I usually get upset about things by panicking a lot and overthinking, but yesterday was a hard day

Do you have kids? Nope, I haven't even went on a date yet lol. I'm a single pringle, and I always have been! Though, it would be nice to have a boyfriend lol. All of my friends are dating and here I am being all alone lol. But it's not too bad...then I have more fanfic writing time! So, yeah, no kids.

Do you use sarcasm a lot? Occasionally, but not too often. I'm not a very sarcastic person.

What sports do you play/have you played? I don't really play sports, I only did gym in high school and nothing more. Though, I do enjoy basketball (I'm not very good at it) and I like curling, too.

What’s the first thing you notice about people? Probably their hair. I love seeing the different styles of hair people have, I'm not sure if it tells me much about them, but it's still something that I notice pretty much right away.

What’s your eye color? Blue. It isn't a vibrant blue, it's more dark, and it's not too noticeable.

Scary movies or happy endings? Probably happy endings, as much as I want to, I don't really watch horror movies, I've actually never watched one. But I still want to see some eventually. If anyone has any horror movie recommendations for newbies to the horror genre, please let me know! I don't want anything too scary to start lol. For the question, happy endings 100%, but I love a sad ending, too.

Any special talents? Not really...the only one I can think of is being able to drink super cold drinks faster than most people. Is that a talent, or just a sign that I need to stop drinking sugary, cold drinks and stuff?

Where were you born? I was born in my family home, not a hospital, which I learned early on is a bit strange. Apparently being born at home is rare?

What are your hobbies? I love writing, playing Minecraft Skyblock, and reading, but lately I haven't been reading much.

Do you have pets? Yup! I have three dogs, and they probably my best friends. They're all mixed breeds, so they look a bit goofy, but they're really cute.

How tall are you? I haven't measured myself in a while, but I think I'm 5 foot 9 or 5 foot 10.

Favorite subject in school? Either English or a media class that I took, in which I learned how to edit videos, make movies and stuff like that. It was really fun! As for English, I've always had incredible teachers, so they made it super fun! One of my teachers actually let me write a fanfic for a final assignment lol. But, I don't understand Shakespeare at all. That was the worst part of English class for me.

Dream job? I really, really want to be a full time author. I really want to write books for a living...it would be amazing. But, for now, I'll be working in retail

Thanks again for the tag, @mentallyundone, this was super fun! I may have overshared...but it was fun!

No pressure tags: @idiot-stevie @rockfact @ducky-died-inside @icedteaandoldlace @amethystandemma @angstydeaddragon @outlawcare @targetf0rce @blueskiesandstarrynights @strangerthingfanfic (I didn't know who else to tag , so anyone else who isn't tagged but wants to do this feel free to!)

[delusion-of-negation]

🔥 geting e stalked

depends on the context - I think e stalking to some degree is an inevitability of life now, and my main gripes with it are when you weaponise what you find and go to far (ie harassment of people perceived to have morally transgressed, public doxxing, etc), it's something I think is generally "wrong", in so far as anything may come under such a vague term, but it's inevitable. I think you're probably better off not digging into people's personal lives, and I definitely think you should reconsider if it's taking up masses of everyday life, if you're doing it to everyone you see, etc. but that doesn't mean I want anything bad to happen to you because the natural curiosity made you act a bit rudely. I've been stalked, it's definitely weird. like, a few years ago somebody I knew at about seven or six or something hunted me down, but she started this stalking stuff gradually, every photo of me with a partner was an opportunity for her to tell me she owned the same hoodie or the lipstick shade or whatever, sometimes with photos, she kept on seeking out every bit of information, every picture- she sent me photos of myself as a kid that I didn't know existed and that she hadn't stopped regularly looking at since then, despite the fact I moved away a long long time ago. another time, I met a girl irl in some queer group, and she saw my self harm scars later, so she stalked me online, and then sent me photos of her cutting those things into herself, copies of my self harm. another girl also sent photos of herself self harming when I turned her down- I was an overall pretty liked person online, a few people had crushes, and generally I didn't mind a little prying, but some did weird shit, an anonymous user was flirting with me claiming to be my age, but confessed later to being younger. another girl and I hit it off, she actually was around my age, she was chill, but it turned out that somewhere along the line I became her favourite person, so she actually genuinely couldn't bear to live if I was upset with her, so everything was on eggshells, and the more she stalked me, had impossible demands, dropped all her life shit on me and needed constant emotional support, the harder it got to hide that I was genuinely upset. another girl I met online was weird, and I made efforts to not talk to her much because I got bad vibes, and later when I was at a skate park she appeared, I didn't even know she actually lived in a town I frequently went to, and so I was polite, I eventually became friends with her, and she got less shitty, but I ended our friendship when she stalked my brother, then told me actually I was lucky to have been raped so many times, because people wanted to fuck me, unlike her (she blamed it on weight, I would argue it's because she was a stalker and selfish). she's the person who abandoned me at a concert and a kid fainted by me without any adults/friends so I ended up carrying the kid to that medical area and looking after her for most of the night. in fact I regularly was abandoned to look after said friend's lil' sister too.

basically though, my problem wasn't that those people had way excessive interest in my life, it was things like the self harm pics, where I just wasn't in a mental space to handle seeing that. that honestly is more of a violation, or leaking stuff publicly so things aren't just you being curious, now it's something people can use against me in an argument or whatever. maybe I get stalked this much because I don't immediately block at every red flag, but it doesn't seem to me to be inherently harmful if somebody gets a little obsessive from time to time- I'm people's favourite person, sometimes that happens, and if I push them away because of it, honestly, that's cruel, unfair, very hurtful- y'know? but with that inevitably comes the ugly side that they'll lash out sometimes or trawl through my page looking for signs we're meant to be, and honestly when that happens I just have to process it, without all society's judgemental garbage. I share what I share online, I am responsible for what people can find out about me, that's things everybody seems to take out of the equation, you shared that to begin with, and people would eventually see it. it sucks, it'd be a wonderful thing if we could just not have that happen, but I just cannot pretend we live in a world where everybody can do good things, completely capable of controlling their mental health to prevent the odd bout of stalking. so yeah, I don't blame people.

[andswarwrites]

Day 22

Some children have a knack for becoming an “interpreter” for their parents.  In a dispute between the couple, their young child may speak up and explain to their father that when their mother said or did a certain thing, she actually meant such and such, and then explain to their mother that their father may not seem to feel a certain way, but this and that indicate otherwise.  These children grow up to be mediators, who, when they are in a relationship of their own, can navigate communication like it’s their superpower.

If we have this superpower, however, we have to be careful not to misread the signs we think are so clear.  That's why, no matter how obvious I think certain signals are, I prefer to simply ask: "How are you feeling right now?" or "How are you doing?"  Maybe the banging of dishes in the sink while they are washed isn't passive aggressive.  And a bad mood isn't necessarily directed at us.  The best way to help out is to give the person an outlet for expressing what's on their mind, if their even is anything.

So instead of thinking I'm a mind reader, I think of myself more as an empath.  I registered something on my radar: someone seems upset, stressed, or even just tense.  If they seem to be trying to cope or hide it, I try to reassure them with a kind gesture.  Often I ask if I can give them a hug.  Not everyone wants one, so I offer.  And a refusal doesn't hurt me.  I follow up by asking if they would like some company, and I let them choose if they feel like talking or if they just want to a silent companion to sit with.

The other day my daughter asked me why I was so cranky.  I told her it was because I had to do something I didn't feel like doing.  As soon as she understood, she stopped getting angry with me for my moodiness.  That just shows me that everyone is allowed to have bad days or even just moments, and the greatest gift you can give someone who is having a hard time, is not expect them to magically cheer up, but let them feel the way they are feeling.

I also have to be careful not to let my empathy drain me.  In order to do this, I need to keep the right perspective, the right angle.  Of course I care when someone I meet is going through trials.  But I can't take their trials on and make them into my own.  I have to remember that every single person on the planet is going through their own difficulty and challenge, because that's how life is.  If I add their burdens to mine, I'll collapse under the weight. I know, I've done it.

To show balanced empathy, I listen, and while I listen, I let my imagination live their anxieties and cares.  Then I ask if there is anything I can do to help, and if they dismiss the offer, I press them to think about it.  If there is something, and it is within my power, I resolve to assist.  That's the best I can do, so I let it go afterwards.  I don't dwell on my friend's troubles.  That's not helpful to either of us.  I bring my focus onto my immediate family, and at times I pour out my heart in my writing, in order to get it all off my own chest.

Sometimes what I see in the news starts to, as Jayne Cobb would say, "damage my calm."  Atrocities happen so frequently.  I know I've reached my limit when an anxious, icy heaviness expands inside my core.  Then it's time to turn away from current events and regain my composure.  Then I need to get away from my own cares, the cares that have been shared with me, the cares the whole world piles onto me, and go for a long walk, putting one foot in front of the other, and letting my brain think away.

When I'm preoccupied I'm at risk of not getting sufficient sleep and rest, and then my mind doesn't recalibrate the way it's supposed to, and I start to spiral out of control.  When I miss a night of sleep like I did last night, my mother gets worried.  She tells me over the phone to make sure I unwind that evening so that I'll be able to sleep.  Because a complete inability to sleep is not good for anyone, but for me it's downright dangerous.  Being completely wired may lead to a manic episode.

My mom and I talk every day.  She can hear a lot from my tone of voice.  If I sound exhilarated, she doesn't jump to conclusions, but she does make a note of it.  And then she waits to see how I'm doing the next day.  If she voices a concern, like she did yesterday, I do not dismiss it.  I take it to heart.  Because I trust her judgement. She knows me well.  I've got a disorder that is skewing my moods, so I need to listen to her point of view, and trust it.  Because when I trust my own thoughts implicitly, that's a very bad sign.

I started sifting through my writing since 2016 yesterday.  I'm compiling some into a sort of memoir.  I used to write with a lot more symbolism.  I wonder if the contrast between how I used to express myself before my diagnosis and how I express myself now will give some insight into the mind of someone with bipolar disorder.  Just compiling it is going to take a few more days, if my work ethic holds strong.  It might take a month, if I lose my drive.  Anyway, I'm thinking about asking my beloved aunt as well as my beloved sister to read it and give me their thoughts.  It's just an idea, in its infant form.

[ghostiebopper]

12/5/2024 —more venting i guess

sibling is a relapsing alcoholic and they're been (allegedly) drunk as recently as this morning. ive smelled an acetone scent on them when in close quarters with them a few times, and my research says thats a sign of like, heavy drinking. i havent for the past few days, and they (not to shame them) literally dont brush their teeth but stanky breath and body odor doesn't smell like Actual Acetone, and I know what acetone smells like. like i own and use it for cosmetic purposes.

so i probably shouldve told someone that. i told mom this morning.

anyway. in my opinion (which doesnt mean that much) sibling needs intervention yesterday. they need actual help so bad. but my mom is in this state of "well if it gets worse..." mom its worse. its so worse. it can definitely get EVEN worse but its already worse. please fucking do something. call her therapist. i dont care do something.

"they're supposed to find a support group" they wont. they havent. honest to god i dont think they were going.

they told mom (which no, mom shouldn't have told me, but she did) that their group "disappeared"

alcohol support groups cannot vanish. people are dependent on them. i severely doubt that they straight up vanished without saying a word. they probably warned people well in advance, both verbally and via email, because they cannot leave people who may be literally on the precipice of suicide hanging like that.

sibling was not going. i have not 100% been sure of this but i've been pretty sure. they lie so, so frequently. we want to believe what they're saying in good faith and i love them dearly, but they are STILL coping in a way that is to their own detriment as well as everyone else's. they get away with everything because we all fear how they will react if we actually dig deeper.

i say "we" but i have honest to god not been (and do not intend to) touch this issue directly. not my job. sibling doesn't want to hear that from me, i dont want to talk to them about it.

but it is my parents' job and they wont do shit!!!

mom has these soft expectations that are not grounded in reality and i dont think my personal situation is very helpful to the grand scheme of things. i have changed a lot, but mainly driven by my desire to be independent and not be a burden on my family for the rest of my fucking life (now, im not saying that sibling definitely feels like they DO, but i dont think they are aware of this as an issue overall). i hope mom doesnt see me, who has always been Quite different from my siblings as a "oh! this'll also definitely happen for my other children and i dont need to do anything, this will Eventually straighten itself out :)" oh my god please fucking do something

"they're supposed to do xyz" literally what evidence do you have that anything will ever change ever especially without an ounce of intervention. what grounds do you have to believe in these little wishes you have. that probably sounds harsh but oh my god this has gone on so long.

on a fundamental level i have always sought help. i cannot say, definitively, that my siblings definitely dont do that—but, in the limited scope i have on them, it appears to me that they are not driven for treatment the same way i am/have been in the past.

i was able to make things happen for myself. i experimented. not everyone can do that!!! i know that!!!

but where i have always tried to be as honest as possible when discussing my mental health, so i can get actual help, i struggle to picture that my sibling is the same. they lie so often about even the most mundane shit, just to get the interaction over with as soon as possible.

it's frustrating to see the people you love stuck because you want to help them...but this situation is not one i can personally fix or remedy. if sibling doesnt want help, if they cant say "help lol" they're not going to get it. they will keep getting worse.

in my non-professional opinion, as a non-addict, sibling needs to be in the hospital.

i am saying the following objectively, not in a way meant to convey judgement (because i have been in a very similar, dark place, many times!):

they cannot even shower. they do not brush their teeth. they are severely depressed. they are dependent on substances. they do not get dressed. their room is frequently covered in trash. flies live in there. their living space is a mess. they have not gone to school in weeks. they are lying to everyone, because if they were actually honest about what they're going with they would already be in the hospital. they are not functioning. this is not normal.

honest to god i dont think anyone around me really understands how bad this is. i dont know if theyre suicidal but if i was them i sure fucking would be. but even if they're not, they are not functioning. THEY ARE DEPENDENT ON SUBSTANCES.

the other thing that bothers me besides the obvious implications is that. this is so normal for this household

this sibling has been like this for years. we're used to it. nothing is going to change. things will probably get worse.

but they dont have to. there's so much potential for things to get better.

but nobody will take responsibility for what's going on. NO ONE. again, that's not my job. i think i will actually vomit blood if i tried that shit and i have no desire to.

and like, to an extent, if this situation is what everyone wanted that'd be different. if we were okay with it i wouldnt be upset or complaining, i'd just be worried, but...

as things are i cannot handle the stress every time mom comes to me like

"omg im worried about your sibling"

no shit so am i. what are you going to do to change anything?

"i might call their therapist"

ok do that.

"i really wish they would—"

me too. are you actually going to do anything or just complain

"well that's kind of—"

*at this point i leave before i explode*

so like. obviously. i cannot tell my parents what to do or dictate the things that go on in the household i live in. i know that

but im allowed to be upset. im allowed to be frustrated. im allowed to say "i fucking hate this and i wish things would get better" but theyre not and the way things are going they definitely wont

ive written all this and i havent even scratched whats going on with me personally but also i am stressed to the point im nauseous right now and want to sleep for 8 hours. so bye

[non-electrical-outlet]

9/12/24: Debrief on HG Coaching Session #1

Just finished my first HG Coaching session with Charlie, and I feel more at peace than I have in over a year. I cried a couple times during the session, which is the likely physiological etiology of this feeling of relief, but on a more psychological/emotional level it felt like I could finally talk openly to someone about the Gordian Knot of feelings that has built up over my lifetime thus far.

I do feel cognitively disorganized, like I'm struggling to put the contents of my mind into English words in a way that feels accurate, but I'm making the active decision right now to transition this entry into some freewriting. In High School and in english class specifically, we'd often start out with 5 minutes of freewriting, of no censoring and just trying to achieve a flow state from mind to paper. This is easier on a computer because handwriting is frustratingly slow, but also because of the faster pace of typing perhaps my fingers form words too fast to allow for accurate reflection of my mind's contents. In any case, freewriting would be another habit that I'd want to adopt because it seems like a good idea.

*End of Freewrite*

Towards the end of our Coaching session, Charlie and I landed on wanting to address uncomfortable emotions r/t The Dad and The Stressy Times as being priority for our next session (over working on developing habits and routine). Charlie was trying to gently hint at it, and I am totally on board that addressing The Discomfort that I've been running away from and numbing myself to will make easier the habit work in the future. English is a dumb language, grammar rules frequently get in the way of conveying my thoughts.

I feel that there's too much information density to fully debrief on everything from the coaching session, which is why I asked Charlie for a copy of his notes. Feeling like one's memory is not as reliable as it used to is quite insidious. May be a sign that I should work with Older Adults in my nursing career. Still haven't heard back from UCH CICU about the ACP position, and honestly I don't think I will.

The part of me that desires positive social standing is the one that wants the job. The part of me that wants to be kind to myself is the one that wants them to just tell me I didn't get the job, that wants to turn it down if I do get it offered to me.

I feel my focus waning, feel my short attention span pulling me away from this entry and towards more stimulating activities. In the future, I hope to struggle for a bit longer, maybe even have a set amount of time to spend on journaling, improve my ability to spend time being uncomfortable without labeling it as "bad". However, having just had my first session, I recognize that I have time to gradually improve, and that I do not need to force a quantitative measure of improvement.

I feel like I've already taken a big step forward today. I am choosing to just let myself feel good for the rest of the day.

[mothman-can-write]

i loved punk!au sm and i had like a couple questions, and you said your asks were open so (u don’t have to answer if you don’t wanna but i was just mostly interested in your writing processes and stuff)

1. was there anything that like gave you the inspo for the story/universe, like any movies/books/tv shows/songs/other fics etc. ? or did nat and maria just grab the story and run with it?

2. how have you developed ur writing style, just practice/natural ability or like idk ? (i’ve always struggled with finishing stuff when i manage to start it, and being happy with the stuff i write)

sorry about how badly these questions are worded lmao i’m v bad at like asking people stuff idk !

Hi, thanks for the ask! I'm still over the moon that people are enjoying this fic because it's so incredibly personal to me. And I'm always happy to talk about my process! But I am so far from professional I'm just winging it completely all the time haha

I was mostly just inspired by my own love for the punk culture and the desire to write something incredibly self indulgent, and the characters just ran away with it. I also like the idea of Natasha in leather pants and that may or may not have helped the process..... I also really like DollyLux's punk AU (which is wanda/nat for those who haven't read it) and it definitely subconciously informed the vibes, but it wasn't a primary inspiration for it. I also wanted to make blackhill feral, because we all know that's where my softspot lies

I only really started writing frequently as a hobby maybe... two years ago now? I think having friends that also write and doing sprints with them has been the most helpful, just having that supportive community and friendly advice! Reading a lot can also help and I've definitely stolen a lot of things from books I've loved. In terms of finishing stuff, I only used to write oneshots that were about 3k at most and i remember feeling really overwhelmed when I wrote my first multichap at 30k. Stick to small things! Write indivudal scenes if it helps. But there's no pressure to be writing whole stories or incredibly long fics at any stage if you don't want to. I do also think that it's worth it to finish projects even if you don't like the end result (as long as the process isn't becoming unbareable) because the practice of the motions is what makes it easier over time. A bad story can become a good story, but story that is never written can't. Okay this paragraph is getting really long so I'll try to make this my last point, but I also think that being unhappy with your work is a sign of potential because it means you can see the improvment that you want to make, you just need a little longer to figure out how to impliment it! Sometimes learning formal writing theories can help figure that out, but most of the time I generally just sort of.... fuck around until I like how something sounds and then try to run with it. I don't know how to explain that part rip

Okay, this has turned out so so long so hopefully some of that is actually helpful haha. I'm always happy to try and help more if I can, and my DMs are open too! Writing is such a fun hobby and IMO it's very easy to get into, and I am so glad that I just took the leap and started even though my earlier fics are physically painful to me now. Writing Punk was a whole process and it is SO much longer than everything else I've ever written but it taught me a lot! I'm really glad I wrote it and I'm really glad it spoke to others out there too :)