#I've been free from school for a few weeks now and bc i haven't written the next great american novel (impossible. im irish) i feel like-

[welcometogrouchland]

Clocking in for another shift at the wasting my life away factory

[airenyah]

Current Tag Game

I was tagged by @telomeke and @lurkingteapot <3

Current Time:

23:14 as of me posting this

Current activity:

lying on my stomach in bed, typing out this ask game

Currently thinking about:

all the things i have to do for uni and also that one interpretation test i have on monday rip

Current favourite song:

listen. LISTEN. it is such a fun song, okay!! i love the vibes!! it just always puts me in a good mood, okay!!

Currently reading:

just a whooole bunch of stuff for uni. namely, italian articles on sustainable tourism for my interpretation test on monday (gotta familiarize myself with the lingo...) and some scientific literature on fansubbing for a paper i have to write on this topic this semester

Currently watching:

not a lot, i started my master's degree like a month ago and i haven't really started any new shows since

i've been trying to finish home school all summer and i'm still only on ep13 as of now rip (i might go watch another ep later, let's see how sleepy i am)

i also started watching bbs for the 23rd time a week ago! i'm doing a weekly anniversary rewatch and soooo tomorrow i get to watch ep2 hehe

oh and my mom sat me down in front of the kdrama andante the other day. we watched 3 or 4 episodes before i went back to the cursed city and so i'll be watching that over the next few weeks whenever i go back home

i might start another show at some point over the next week, idk. right now i'm trying not to get distracted bc of uni

Current favourite character:

pat napat jindapat has been living rent free in my head for the past two years now

Current WIP:

i think i have a bbs vs hidden agenda parallel gifset as well as a bbs vs only friends parallel gifset somewhere that i started in september and then just never finished???? idk. i'll have to go into my folders

plus, i started recording some thoughts on bbs and pat specifically for a meta that has been in my head for 2 whole years but never really posted. considering 24 months have passed and we all are still here i'm like... okay maybe posting it is worth it after all. so yeah, let's see if that will ever get written. it's not anything special, just some thoughts on my reading of pat and his awareness/obliviousness of his feelings. bc that differs from popular fandom interpretation

Tags:

uhhhh idk who's been tagged yet and who hasn't buuuut i'm just gonna say @newyearknwwme @killiru @visualtaehyun @moonkhao @cornflowershade

[starlightkun]

may I ask if you are still writing for the ayakashi series? bc I would rlly like to see a taeyong version! 🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

anonymous asked: Who's gonna be the next route for in the ayakashi series?

anonymous asked: Did you stop writing stories? And will you continue the ayakashi series?

ok so i put most of the ayakashi asks into one so i can make one big post answering some faqs and talking abt the series and the future of it

so as of right now, i have no solid plans for continuing ayakashi, i'm going to be completely honest. before i disappeared i had a bit (like 1k...) of yuta's route written and that was my plan for the next route for the most part. i did write a scene for that route earlier this week and have opened the doc to stare at it a few times since then. i haven't written fic since doyoung's route a year ago so my creative muscles in my brain r a bit rusty. again, i want to stress that i have no concrete plans to continue ayakashi or even really write fic on here again. i understand if you want to unfollow, i just thank you for the support for however long you've stuck around

with sleepless cinderella, when i was done with it i released a link to my planning doc for those who wanted a little extra something. i plan on doing that with ayakashi too, whenever i'm done. i haven't done that yet bc i don't want to be done with it yet. i'm extremely fond of the ayakashi series and the world i've created, and i don't really want to be done playing in that space but i also don't want to promise y'all anything and then not deliver. so for now that doc will stay locked away, sorry

i'm very thankful for all the love and support that y'all have shown all of my fics since the beginning of this blog nearly five years ago now, and i honestly can't believe how many of y'all are still finding my blog and my fics, reading them, and falling in love with them even all these years later. i've grown a lot since starting on here both as a person (i started this blog in my junior year of high school at 16 yrs old and i now have my bachelor's degree and work full-time as a 21 yr old) and as a writer. so thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to everyone who has been here for me. whether that was 5 years ago at the very beginning or just 5 days ago and you have no clue what's happening. i sincerely wish i could give you any sort of promise or inkling of the future of this blog/ayakashi, but that wouldn't be fair to y'all. thank you again, and please feel free to reach out with any questions or comments.

love you all,

mel

[uwuspaceboy]

BUMMER ALERT (not a great word for the situation but it's the only one i've got) I've had a really shit 48hrs and need to get it out so feel free to ignore i just need to shout into the void and journaling wasn't enough so (i also don't know how to get the read more button to show up so i'm just gonna hit enter a lot and see if it works idk)

i learned sunday night while scrolling thru the local news that a childhood friend of mine died in a car accident last week. she was only 17. i haven't seen her in a few years, and back when i did see her it was only for a couple months at a time. she would tell me about her problems and i'd listen and give advice. she was in middle school so there was a lot of stuff going on in her life bless her heart. her little sister imprinted on me when i was in 8th grade and she's basically like my child (that i see very rarely unfort). i saw in her a lot of my mom's cousins who had similar childhood issues and who bc of those problems made a lot of less than stellar choices in their lives. i knew back then that she'd prob end up like them but i hoped she'd figure herself out after a while, but she never got the chance. it's been hitting me real hard. then a few hours ago my mom texts that my great aunt died. i had been thinking about her and her family a lot the past day bc of everything going on with my old friend. it was very sudden and unexpected. if these had happened one at a time i probably could have handled it, but 2 in so many days os really hard. i just got back from an hour and a half long drive thru nowhere listening to some mcr and i feel a bit better now, but i just needed to get something out into the ether idk why. i've said these exact same words to multiple people and written them in my journal but it's not quite enough. maybe if i keep on saying them again and again i can make sense of everything, but there's really nothing to make sense of, it's just life

[vxnevermorevx]

Welcome to my mind

For the last three years, my mind has been... Well, shit. Not that it hadn't been on a steady decline for years prior.

Recently, someone named her Denise. My other me. "Because that's what she is..when something is the opposite of something it's de-. She's not nice, she's De-Nice..."

Denise.

The name give to the me that's not me but spends more time pretending to be me than I do.

*Character Bio*

When I'm not Denise, I'm Ginny and she was the most wonderful person. I miss her dearly.

I had a great childhood. Very few psychological events, in my opinion. We never had much money, but my mom made sure I never knew it. My father worked hard at both his job and destroying his marriage; which is probably one of the marks on my childhood. More to come on that, I'm sure.

I didn't have trouble in school, per se. Bullied only a handful of times in all my school years. My mom is a designer, so I wore things you couldn't find on stores throughout my whole school life. I was *always* ahead of the trend and some kids couldn't handle it. We're talking 1991-2003. So, jumpers, corsets, mesh dusters, pants with fur on the bottom, dressing like anime characters... I was the first of everyone around me to be dressing that way. And I loved it!

But I had my revenge, as my hecklers could be seen wearing the same things they made fun of me for, after it became trendy. I guess you didn't have to be dead to be caught wearing that after all...

I struggled in math and excelled in art and writing. I had mostly good teachers, I think only one hated me.

I met all my best friends there. Can't say I've made all that many more in the years since. But, in my defense I'm surrounded by people who are nothing like me. You see, I grew up in Florida. All my vital youthful years were spent there. And now I live near Portland, Oregon. God, why? I even lost one of my dearest friends to the city. She completely changed from a fun, artistic girl who liked to draw, read, and cook...to...one of them. She's now a guilt vegan ( let's you know how disgusting you are for eating meat ) and is obsessed with shows that need to be cancelled. I had known this girl since first grade, she said she would follow the first friend who loved out of state. That was me, so she came out here too. Our friendship immediately began deteriorating as she would not allow me in my own room during the day, because she was talking to some loser friend of hers online. This person left her in a Walgreen's 20 miles from her home, on the wrong side of town, when we were all barely old enough to drive, because she was taking too long looking at eyeliner. But, she sounds like a solid individual to begin emulating. Are you serious? I watched my fully replacement take effect. 20 years of friendship completely gone in a matter of months. Have you ever watched someone stop carrying about you? Think about it. No, don't think about it. It's awful. She even physically ended our friendship. The first I had ever experienced. It was wrenching. But, I'm too far ahead now. I need to tell you how I got to Oregon.

Somewhere around me being 16, my dad stopped coming home. His mother had recently died and he knew some pretty shitty people willing to help him take the pain away. How does a poor, dyslexic, hoodlum, with a history of abuse cure the blues? Crack, of course. My mom did all she knew how to do, but she was pretty done with it all. They got divorced and some rich old lady "saved" him and whisked him off to Maryland where he would suffer many years of depression for what he had done to his family.

Now, it was just my mother and me. I immediately got a job and gave her my entire paycheck to help keep us in our lovely house. But as fate would have it, the city claimed eminent domain on our house with plans to build a water treatment facility. So, they lowballed us on what our house was worth and gave us 6 months to move. Now, here's some important side information: my mom is an army brat who grew up with mountains her whole life, until moving to Florida for my dad, which was apparently one of the last places she ever wanted to be. And my chummy from another tummy, was born in Oregon and had recently left me to go to OSU. This girl is my sister by all counts but blood. So, with a few other helping factors the logical answer was to start anew. How completely different my life would have been if I stayed. Can't say it would be better, just 100% different from what it is now.

But, in 2005 we moved to Oregon on the promise that we would do all the things we wanted to do and be living in Seattle in a few years.

None of that worked out. I can still remember the first night we spent in our apartment. I hated it. I let everyone know too. I think I cried for a week. I just wanted to go home. My Sisi was too far away to see her more often than the weekends and slowly her grades began to falter. This led to her dropping out and moving back to Florida just five months after I moved out here for her. I fell apart. I had only my mom and I love her, but sometimes you need your friends... You know? We did what we could and took jobs we hated and tried to get used to our new surroundings. I'm apparently a spoiled brat so I'm sure I made things painful for my mom who was finally back in her element and here I was stomping around telling everyone how much I hated it. Hate it. Present tense. I know the whole world is a cess pool of hipster, millennial idiots who all think that they know how to run the world, but the concentration of their free-for-all holier-than-thou ways is as dense here as the trees. It's exhausting listening to people who haven't showered in a week tell you how special they are because they have this heightened awareness that they learned from some Joe Blow and happens to not be fact at all. I have had a 24 year old Hispanic girl tell me that only white people can be racist, everyone else is prejudice. I told her that that in itself was a racist statement. And she said "no it's not. My teacher told me, and she has a PhD." I don't think I need to explain the definition of racism, but I do think Manson could have thrived in this town.

Fast forward quite a few years and we are both still in Oregon working jobs we hate not getting any of the things done we said we would. Are we lazy? Are we depressed? I'm sure it's both.

But, a small miracle comes my way, as I'm getting dressed to go down to the office to sign the next years lease I get a call from a woman who used to work with me. She asks if we are still looking for a new place to live and I tell her yes! We end up renting her townhouse from her because she's getting married. She proves to be a terrible landlord, probably because she's not all that good at being a person. She's really great at other things, but not that. Somme people are like that. But, I also haven't learned how to speak Oregonian in the 14 years I have been here.

A few more years and we end up buying the house and I have changed jobs for my health and things are looking up. I lose some of the weight I had acquired in my sorrows. I even find a guy that I can tolerate. Mostly bc he's 4000 miles away in another country. But, I struggle to find my way in our incredibly mismatched relationship. And he's so smart. So, successful... Here it comes... "what's he doing with a loser like me?"

My friends.... They all have something to show for their lives: degrees, children (Im not interested in these things,) husbands, jobs they don't hate....

I have a mortgage and a ridiculously high HOA, two payed off cars, 50 extra pounds on my ass, a job I'm not particularly built for, and a guy whom I love differently than he loves me.

I'm killing it.... Or myself. One way or the other. "I still haven't figured that shit out yet " -Eddie Murphy

I think this a pretty good place to stop for now. You should have a good amount of reference points for the following posts which will entirely be me, describing my chronic severe depression hoping that someone somewhere might read it and know they are not alone. I feel such a sense of validation when I read something from someone who feels the same as I do. This blog isn't for attention or critiquing, as most will likely be written when things like grammar and story structure aren't focused on. It's purely to get the chaos out so, I can organize it.

I don't know who you are but if you're reading this far, please stay tuned if you want to say "Wow, that's exactly how I feel."

Do good.