#I've been experimenting/trying new things with art lately and I'm having such a good time

[thedilfdiaries]

a sweet arrangement

sugardaddy!Joel Miller x f!reader

Masterlist ♡ Sugar Daddy Masterlist

Wordcount: 3,374

Summary: You sign up for a sugar daddy app. What's the worst that could happen?

Warnings: 18+, fingering, oral (both m&f receiving), light bondage, reader might have pullable hair (i dont rememeber if i took it out) quick mentions of slut, baby, sweet baby, sweetheart, darlin

Notes: tysm @saradika-graphics for the dividers. I was cheated on over the weekend, and I wrote this as a "I wish I could be here" instead of being sad." Just another rich!daddy fantasy

You've been feeling financially stretched lately, and after hearing about the concept of sugar daddies and sugar babies from a friend, you decided to give it a try. You sit on your bed and hesitantly create a profile on a popular app, describing yourself as a young, independent woman looking for a mutually beneficial arrangement. As you sit scrolling through, you can't help but feel a sigh of reluctance escape your lips. You never expected to find yourself on a sugar daddy dating app, but life has a way of surprising you sometimes.

After a few moments of looking around the site, a notification pops up. It's a message from a user named "Contractor_Guy."

Curiosity piques, and you open the message, hoping it's not some creepy come-on. To your surprise, it reads:

"Hey there. I don't usually do this sort of thing, but I figured it's worth a shot. My name's Joel. If you're interested in getting to know me, send me a message back."

Feeling intrigued, you reply:

"Hi Joel, I'm not sure what 'this sort of thing' is, but I'm curious now.”

The response comes quickly.

Contractor_Guy: "Haha, 'this sort of thing' is something I usually avoid. But hey, it's a new day, and who knows what it might bring?"

You: Hopefully luck! But seriously, what exactly are you avoiding?"

Contractor_Guy: "Haha, well that's a bit of a long story, darlin.”

You: "Oh, I don't mind a long story. I've got some time to kill. Besides, I find it intriguing that someone like you is on a sugar daddy app.”

Contractor_Guy: "Well, my last experience wasn't the best, and I'm just being cautious this time around.

But, here's the long version. I met a girl a few years back, and at first, things were great. We clicked, and the relationship was mutually beneficial. I was able to provide for her in a way she couldn't for herself, and in return, she was there for me when I needed emotional support. As time went on, she started to change. She became more demanding and less appreciative. It got to the point where she would expect extravagant gifts just for a simple text or phone call. I realized that she was only interested in my money and not in the relationship we'd built."

You: "I'm sorry to hear that. It's not easy to find someone who's genuine and appreciates what you have to offer."

Contractor_Guy: "Yeah, it was a tough lesson to learn, but I'm hoping to find someone different this time. Someone who appreciates the little things, too, not just the material things."

You: "I think that's a fair expectation. We all deserve to be appreciated for more than just our wallets. So, Joel, tell me more about yourself. What do you do for a living?"

Contractor_Guy: "I'm a contractor. I do mostly residential construction and home remodeling projects. What about you? What do you do when you're not scrolling through dating apps?”

You: "Lol, I'm usually at work. I'm a graphic designer, so I spend most of my days in front of a computer. It's not the most glamorous job, but I love what I do."

Contractor_Guy: "A graphic designer, huh? That's pretty impressive. I've always been more of a hands-on guy myself. But I must admit, there's something intriguing about a woman in the arts.”

You: "And who doesn't love a man who can wield a hammer and a chainsaw with equal ease?"

Contractor_Guy: "Oh, I'm definitely good with my hands darlin' ;). ”

You: "Maybe one day you'll show me just how good you are with your hands."

As the conversation continues to flow effortlessly, you both exchange numbers and agree to meet for a coffee date tomorrow. Before signing off, you send a playful message with a picture attached

You: "Well, I'm off to begin the countdown to our coffee date. I'll leave you with this little teaser. ;)"

Insert a picture of you posing confidently in a cute outfit, with a mischievous grin on your face.

Contractor_Guy: "Wow, that definitely has me counting down the hours! I can't wait to see you in person."

With that, you end the conversation eagerly anticipating your first in-person meeting with the intriguing contractor.

The two of you meet for the first time at a trendy coffee shop downtown, and you can immediately sense Joel's charm and confidence. You can tell he's done this a time or two. He offers to buy you a drink and pulls out the mattest black credit card you have ever seen to pay with. He guides you to a table in the back corner, and you both engage in light conversation, discussing your interests and goals. Joel is clearly intrigued by you, and you feel a spark of attraction towards him as well.

"So, tell me more about yourself," Joel says, his eyes locked on yours.

"Well, like I said on the app, I'm a freelance graphic designer," you reply, “It's not the most stable job, but I love what I do."

"I can imagine," Joel says, a hint of admiration in his voice. "I've always been a fan of the arts. But I'm sure you understand the struggles of making ends meet as a freelancer. That's why I'm interested in this arrangement."

"I do understand," you agree, your mind already contemplating the potential benefits of such an arrangement. "It would be nice to have some financial stability while still being able to pursue my passion."

"Exactly," Joel says, his tone firm but understanding. "And in return, I'd like you to be my companion when I need someone to spend time with. We can go on dates, attend social events, or just relax at home. I value your company, you're easy on the eyes and brain, and I believe we would make a great team."

"I think that sounds fair," you say, feeling a sense of relief wash over you. "I'm looking for something similar - someone who understands my situation and is willing to help me out."

Joel offers to take you to his place for a glass of wine, and as he leads you to his car, the conversation shifts to the details of the arrangement.

"Now that we've established the terms," Joel says, his voice low and serious, "I want to make something clear. I'm going to support you financially in any way you could ever dream of or want, but there's one condition."

"What's that?" You ask, your curiosity piqued.

"I want access to you whenever I please, however I please," Joel says, his eyes meeting yours. "I want to be able to use you for my pleasure whenever I want. Are you comfortable with that?"

Your heart races as you consider his request. You know what he's asking for, and you're not sure if you're ready for that level of intimacy. But at the same time, you can't deny the excitement coursing through your veins.

"I need some time to think about it. This is a big decision."

"Of course," Joel replies, his tone understanding. "Take all the time you need. But remember, this is the condition of our arrangement."

As Joel drives you to his mansion, you can't help but feel a mixture of excitement and trepidation. This is unlike any arrangement you've ever been a part of, and you're not sure what to expect. As you follow Joel upstairs, your heart races in anticipation. He leads you into a large, dimly-lit room, its walls adorned with black velvet and soft, glowing lights. A large bed dominates the center of the room, surrounded by various toys and restraints.

"I want to show you what I mean when I say I want access to you whenever I please.” Joel says, his voice thick with desire.

Joel leads you over to the bed, his eyes never leaving yours. He takes a seat on the edge, patting the space beside him. "Come here, sweetheart," he says, his voice soft and inviting.

You hesitate for a moment, unsure of what to do. But the curiosity and excitement pulsing through you win out, and you find yourself sitting down next to him. Joel's hand reaches out to gently brush a strand of hair from your face. "You're so beautiful, you know that?" he says, his gaze intense.

You feel your entire body get warm at the compliment, your heart racing faster than ever before. "Thank you," you murmur.

Joel's hand begins to trace a path down your arm, sending shivers coursing through your body. "I want to make you feel good, sweetheart," he says, his voice low and husky. "I want to give you pleasure like you've never experienced before."

Your mind is racing as Joel's hand continues to explore your body. You're not sure what to do, but you find yourself leaning into his touch, your body craving more.

"I want to show you something," Joel says, his eyes twinkling with mischief. He stands up and walks over to a large wooden chest at the foot of the bed. He opens it, revealing a variety of toys and restraints. Your heart races as you take in the sight. You've never seen anything like this before, and you're not sure what to make of it. Joel walks back over to you, a blindfold in his hand. "I want to show you how good it can feel to let go and trust someone," he says, his voice soft and soothing.

You hesitate for a moment but something about Joel's words and the look in his eyes makes you feel safe, and you find yourself nodding in agreement. He gently places the blindfold over your eyes, cocooning you in darkness. You can feel his hands on you, guiding you back onto the bed. You trust him, and you let yourself relax into the feeling of his touch.

Joel's hands continue to explore your body, tracing patterns and circles that send shivers of pleasure coursing through you. You can feel the bed shift as he leans over you, his breath hot against your ear. "I want to make you feel so good, sweetheart," he whispers, his voice barely above a whisper. Your breath hitches as his hands continue to wander.

Suddenly, you feel something soft and silky against your skin. It's a scarf, and Joel is using it to gently bind your wrists to the bedposts. You gasp at the feeling of being restrained, but the sensation is not unpleasant. Instead, it heightens your senses, making you more aware of every touch and caress.

Joel continues to explore your body, his hands moving lower and lower until they reach the waistband of your pants. He pauses for a moment, waiting for your consent. "May I?" he asks, his voice low and husky. You nod, your breath coming in short, sharp gasps. He slowly begins to slide your pants down your legs, his hands lingering on your skin as he goes. You can feel the heat of his touch, and you find yourself arching up towards him, wanting more. Finally, your pants are off, and Joel's hands are free to explore your body in earnest. He caresses your thighs, your hips, your stomach, each touch sending waves of pleasure coursing through you.

You can feel yourself growing wet, your body responding to Joel's touch in ways you've never experienced before. You moan softly, your hips bucking up towards him. Joel takes the hint, his fingers finding their way to your wetness. He begins to explore you, his touch gentle but firm. You gasp at the sensation, your body quivering with pleasure. His fingers move in slow, deliberate circles that send shivers of pleasure coursing through your body. You find yourself moaning louder and louder, your hips bucking up towards him as you chase the feeling of release. Finally, you can't take it any longer. You cry out as the orgasm washes over you, your body trembling with pleasure. Joel continues to touch you, his fingers gentle as they bring you down from the peak of pleasure.

Slowly, your breathing returns to normal, and you become aware of your surroundings once again. The blindfold is still over your eyes, and you're still bound to the bed. But you feel safe and content, your body still humming with pleasure. He unties the blindfold, and you blink your eyes against the sudden brightness of the room. He's standing above you, a wicked smile on his face. "Did you like that, sweetheart?" he asks, his voice low and seductive.

"Yes sir," you get out with a hoarse voice.

Joel's gaze travels down your body, taking in the sight of you spread out on his bed, still bound to the bedposts. "Mmm, such a good girl already," he says, his voice full of satisfaction. "I have so much more I want to show you."

He walks over to the wooden chest at the foot of the bed and rummages through it, pulling out a variety of toys and restraints. Joel turns back to you, a pair of handcuffs in his hand. "May I?" he asks, his voice low and seductive.

“You may."

Your heart racies with excitement as Joel cuffs your hands above your head, replacing the soft, luxurious ribbon, and securing you back to the bedpost. You test the restraints, finding that they hold you firmly in place. Your heart is racing with excitement, your body tingling with anticipation. He walks back over to the chest and pulls out a vibrator. He turns it on, the buzzing noise filling the room. You watch as he approaches you. He traces the vibrator over your body, teasing you with each touch. You arch up towards him, wanting more. But Joel is in control, and he takes his time, drawing out the anticipation until you're nearly begging for release."Are you ready for more, darlin’?"

“Yes please,” your breath coming in short gasps.

"Good girl." He traces the vibrator lower, teasing your clit with each pass. You moan, your hips bucking up towards him. But he pulls the vibrator away just as you're about to come.

You whimper in frustration, but Joel just smiles. "Patience, baby, patience," he says.

He continues to tease you, bringing you to the brink of orgasm again and again, but never letting you fully come. You're writhing on the bed, your body begging for release when Joel leans down and whispers in your ear. "Do you trust me, sweetheart?"

You nod, your heart racing. "Yes, I do," you whisper.

Joel smiles, his eyes twinkling with mischief. He leans down and captures your lips in a passionate kiss. You moan, your hips bucking up towards him. You're ready for whatever comes next.

Joel breaks the kiss, his eyes locked on yours. "I'm going to take you to the edge, sweetheart," he says, his voice low and seductive. "And then I'm going to bring you back again. And again. And again. Until you can't take it anymore."

Joel's hand moves back to the vibrator, tracing it over your clit once again. This time, he doesn't stop. He continues to tease and pleasure you. Suddenly, Joel pulls the vibrator away once again. You whimper in frustration, but before you can protest, he's replaced it with his mouth. His tongue expertly teases your clit. His hands roam your body as he brings you to the brink of orgasm once again. This time, however, he doesn't stop. He continues to lick and suck at your clit, his fingers entering you and curling against your G-spot as he pushes you over the edge.

You cry out, your body shaking with pleasure as you come hard against his mouth. Joel doesn't stop, his tongue continuing to torture you as you ride out the waves of your orgasm. As you come down from your orgasm, you gasp for breath, your body still trembling with pleasure. Joel's gaze is intense as he watches you, his face flushed with arousal.

"That was so, fucking good," you manage to gasp out, your voice still hoarse from your orgasm.

Joel smiles, his eyes never leaving yours. "I'm glad you thought so," he says, his voice low and seductive. "But I think it's your turn now."

"My turn?" you ask, your eyes wide with curiosity.

"Yes," Joel says, his smile widening. "It's time for you to return the favor.”

You feel a pang of nerves flood your body. “But I'm still all tied up.”

Joel smirks, leaning in. He grabs the hollows of your cheeks, forcing you to look at him, “ I never said you needed to be untied, did I.”

You swallow hard, your mind racing with the implications of his words. Joel releases your cheeks, his gaze traveling down your body. "You're going to make me very happy tonight, sweetheart. Just remember - I want access to you whenever I please, however I please. Is that clear?"

"Yes, sir," you reply, your voice full of submission.

Joel's smile widens, and he reaches down to unfasten his pants. He steps out of them and his boxers, revealing a hard, thick, ready erection. He climbs onto the bed, his legs straddling your chest. "Now, I want you to take me into your mouth," he says, his voice firm and authoritative.

Your heart is racing as you obey. He brings it up to your lips, and your tongue darts out to lick the tip. You can taste the hint of salt and musk, and you find yourself growing aroused again. You open your mouth wide to accommodate his size. He tastes so good, so intense, and you can't get enough. You begin to move your head, your mouth sliding up and down his shaft. Joel gasps, his hips bucking up towards you.

Suddenly he grabs your hair and holds his cock to the hilt, filing up your entire throat, blocking your airway. You try to gasp for breath as Joel holds you down on his large throbbing cock but it's no use. Your head is swimming with pleasure and arousal, and you're not sure if you can take anymore. Just then Joel releases his grip on your hair, allowing you to breathe again. You take the opportunity to pull away, gasping for air. Joel smirks down at you. "Such a good little slut for daddy already," he says, his voice full of praise. "Daddy wants to see more. Show me how much you want me."

You nod, your heart racing with anticipation as Joel pulls away and undoes your restraints. When he's back on the bed, you take him back into your mouth, your hands roaming his beautiful, full thighs. You begin to suck and lick at his cock, your tongue exploring every inch of him. You can hear Joel growing more aroused, his breaths coming in short gasps.

You feel a hand on the back of your head, guiding you. Joel is thrusting into your mouth, his cock sliding in and out. You moan around him, your hands reaching up to cup his balls. He's tensing, his hips bucking harder with each thrust. Suddenly, he lets out the most primal groan you've ever heard, his cock swells in your mouth. He thrusts into you one more time before coming. You can feel his warm come filling your mouth, and you swallow it down eagerly. Joel groans, his hips stilling as he rides out his orgasm.

You pull away, gasping for air and Joel collapses onto his back, his chest rising and falling rapidly. You can see the satisfaction on his face, and you feel proud of yourself. You've never done anything like that before, and you're not sure how you feel about it. But there's a part of you that's excited, that wants to do it again.

You're both panting heavily, your mind still reeling from the intense experience you've just shared. Joel's gaze is locked on yours, his eyes full of admiration and desire. "You were amazing, sweetheart," he says, his voice a low rumble. "I can't wait to show you more." A wave of excitement washes over you as Joel reaches out and gently strokes your cheek, his fingers lingering against your skin. "I want to make this arrangement work, darlin," he says, his voice soft and earnest. "But I need to know that you're in this for the right reasons."

Your heart races as you consider his words. You know what he's asking, and you're not sure if you're ready for the level of intimacy and commitment this arrangement requires. But at the same time, you can't deny the excitement coursing through your veins, the thrill of being desired and pursued by someone like Joel. You nod, your heart racing with both excitement and trepidation. "I think I'm ready to accept your condition," you say, your voice low and hesitant. "But I need to know that you're in this for the right reasons, too."

Joel's eyes meet yours, his gaze intense and serious. "I promise you, I want nothing more than to care for and support you, both financially and emotionally," he says firmly. "And I expect the same companionship in return."

You take a deep breath, your mind racing with the implications of your decision. But there's a part of you that's eager to explore this new world, to find out what it means to be truly desired and cared for by someone like Joel.

"Okay," you finally say, your voice full of resolution. "I want to make this arrangement work too."

Joel's face breaks into a smile, his eyes filled with relief and joy. He pulls you into a warm embrace, his arms wrapping around you tightly. "Thank you, sweetheart," he whispers, his voice full of gratitude. "I'm going to make sure you never regret this decision."

---

Thanks for reading ❤️ let me know if you'd like more from these two

[simpxxstan]

cannn i request a bff! Wonwoo with lots of pining and emotional constipation pls 🤍 love ur writings

anon requested: hiii can i please request a f2l wonwoo trope? Luv ur writings<3

this is a part of my 550 followers event, but requests are now CLOSED.

genre: sugary fluff, gamer!wonwoo, high school au, friends to lovers.

word count: 6.9k words.

listening to his voice asmr audios and leftover while writing this- can't you tell i just love wonwoo's voice? he's just such a warm hug personified! pls note: i've combined two requests here because they're similar! thank you to both anons for requesting! i'm so sorry again for the delay T_T i rewrote this many times. i hope you like it!!

warnings: very shy reader, gaming references (likely to be inaccurate due to lack of personal experience, please excuse!).

it's the last year of your high school, and yet it doesn't feel like so. you may have turned 18 early this year, but it doesn't feel like the year you graduate from school and move on to a higher, more independent direction in life.

or perhaps you're just not mature enough. not ready enough to embrace adulthood. either way, the intense fear of what the future holds has you by the throat since the start of the year. it's not that you're trying to escape from responsibilities, but somehow it daunts you to no end that you'll have to leave this cocoon you've lived in all your life. step out of your comfort zone and into the real world.

perhaps it's not a maturity thing. perhaps it's just an introvert thing.

you're quite sure none of your classmates feel this scared of the future right now. most of them have their career goals defined, ready to sit for entrance examinations, or write applications to foreign universities. most of them have had experiences bordering on the edge of adulthood already- like their first kiss, their first date, their first relationship. most of them have already figured out where they see themselves three or four years from now- even if it not perfectly, it's brilliant that they even see themselves four years from now.

you? you don't even know if you'll be able to make it on time to the first day of class. it's literally the last year of school, and you've still not mastered the art of not getting late due to extreme social anxiety on the first day of class. somehow you rush into class, ankles burning from running through the campus, moments before the teacher arrives. you notice that there are only two seats left available in the class- one in the first bench, and another towards the back. you wonder if you should be sitting in the front to make a good impression on the teachers on your first day, but then your friends wave to you from the back, and your decision is made for you.

just as you finally settle down, your nerves easing out with the flowing conversation with your friends, the teacher walks into the classroom, creating pin-drop silence instantly, but she's not alone.

"good morning, class. welcome your new classmate for this year." on hearing her words, you look up from the new book your friend's been showing you.

the book almost drops from your hands.

"hello! my name is jeon wonwoo. nice to meet you all!"

_

in this moment, you're so, so glad you didn't choose to sit in the first bench. in this moment, you're so, so glad you always stick to your friends who generally do the talking for you whenever you're outside your tight-knit friend circle. in this moment, you're so, so glad you're the most ordinary-looking girl in the class.

because all of these ensure jeon wonwoo doesn't even spare a glance at you. and if you can keep yourself in check, he will not spare a glance at you for the rest of the eleven months of the school year. it's anyway just one year. if you keep out of his sight for long enough, he'll forget you exist.

as you walk home that evening, you wonder why must the universe be so cruel to you that it's now decided to make jeon wonwoo enter your class? wasn't it enough that he tormented you every day after beating you at games, that now you would have to see him daily in your immediate periphery? wasn't it enough that he'd already stolen your heart when you knew nothing of him except his voice, that now you would have to also know how devastatingly handsome he is in real life?

on reaching home, you slump down in your gaming chair and turn on your desktop.

2 messages from jeonwonubokdeongeori

you sigh before clicking the discord popup open, your annoyance increasing tenfold on reading the texts.

how was your first school day? going to a new school is so daunting T_T

daunting? with that face? with those charms? with that obvious intelligence sparkling in his eyes that no teacher can resist? what a liar. but at least he's telling you now that he's going to a new school. you can't ask him the name of the school because you don't want him to get curious about your school in return. so you keep it neutral.

i bet it wasn't as bad as mine lol wanna play and get the stress out?

wonwoo's message comes instantly, and you feel yourself melting. it does sound like such a tempting idea, especially with the way your body is still high-strung from all the social exposure and new worries of the final academic year. you want to say no- you want to start distancing yourself from him, you want to ensure your crush doesn't become serious. and yet, you can't keep yourself away from clicking on the yes button when he sends you a request to join a game.

seconds later, his voice rumbles in slowly through the other side of the game. his player is wearing a yellow outfit today, similar to your school uniform. "hey," it's a single syllable but it sends a shiver of comfort down your spine, and you can feel your body relax. it's online. he doesn't know it's you. it's just a game between friends.

"hi won," you voice is a soft whisper, almost afraid that he'll recognise you. you're sure he won't, because you've made sure he hasn't heard your voice throughout the day- but even if he does, he doesn't indicate it in any way.

he chuckles on the other end. "you sound so tired. you probably need sleep more than a game." "i've been drinking too much soda- no way i'm gonna sleep soon," you stifle a yawn to keep talking to him. "mhmm, soda's not good for you, princess." princess. you know it's not a nickname, or meant to be endearing. he's simply referring to your username, pretzel_princess, which you go by during games. three days ago, you'd wished you'd used your own name as your username, just so you can hear him say your name while playing, although princess sounds good enough. but in hindsight, it's been the best decision you've ever made.

"jeon wonwoo, are you just stalling the game?" you smirk, and you hope he hears it in your voice.

he does.

"well then, game on, princess."

_

after that, you can't keep your eyes away from wonwoo. the initial shock has now worn down- and suddenly the reality seems more stark in full HD. he's right here- literally ten seats away from you. in all likelihood, you could just whisper and he would hear your voice.

and identify you at once.

and yet, you can't keep your eyes off him. he seems so.... different in real life, and yet exactly the same. you start linking every tiny bit of character you've learned about him till now to his real self.

like how he's complained to you multiple times about his poor eyesight- and you've scolded him about his terrible gaming addiction and how he should stop immediately, only for him to laugh it off. you can see how thick his glasses are, and how he has to squint often even with the glasses- and you make a mental note of scolding him again tonight.

like how he doesn't like swimming during the physical education classes- instead opting for athletics. he's told you before he has a fear of drowning, and now you witness this with your own eyes too.

like how he's an introvert too- keeping mostly to himself, although everyone is trying to get a piece of him. with his looks and his natural charm, you can hardly blame the girls and the guys for swarming around him every day. although it's barely been a week since he's joined, he's already solidified a fanbase- people who are ready to give him homework, their lunchboxes and also their hearts. it's no surprise though- you're no different than them. you were just a tad bit more pathetic- at least they hadn't fallen for him after hearing just his voice.

it feels like you're leading a double life. you've never been more thankful for your introvertedness- perhaps the only time you've been thankful for it. but this is the only way to ensure wonwoo doesn't know who you are. you do your best to ensure your friends don't get curious about him, and even if they do talk to him, you stay away from the spot at that moment. it's even better because none of the teachers know you by your name (you've never given them reason to), hence no one in class draws attention to you. your friends call you by a nickname (not princess), so even if they're calling out for you from a distance, wonwoo could never realise it's you.

well. things are not as bad as you'd think they would be.

unless of course, one counts the worsening of your infatuation. it's already been a while since you've known each other as ... online best friends. well, you'd been gaming together on the same server for a year now, but it was only eight months since you'd dm-ed him, and initiated a conversation, ignoring your shaky hands. thankfully, he'd replied almost instantly- and that had sparked things off. too fast, you'd gone from strangers who game together occasionally to friends you share your feelings and thoughts with. wonwoo had been surprisingly easy to open up to. perhaps because he resonated with most of your experiences? with him being as introverted and shy as you see him now, you'd understand why. or perhaps because you'd always thought he would be just an online friend- a voice behind a screen. never more tangible than that. and there was a comfort in that. no fear of judgement. no insecurity about your looks. no worries about embarrassment. and even when you had your voice on, conversation had flown easily, and so had giggles and intimate moments.

you slam your head against the textbook you're reading as you remember that night when you'd messed up. of course, your crush was nothing new. you'd slowly and surely begun to develop feelings for the gentle-voiced gamer who had won his way into your heart with his gaming skills and the softness with which he treated you. like how he would immediately catch on to any exhaustion in your voice. how he'd remember the little details you told him about your daily life. how he'd remind you to sleep instead of playing another match, because you'd have to wake up early the next day. sometimes, with your headphones on and wonwoo's voice floating in, you'd escape from this real world, away from the fears of your life, into a world where it felt like you were sitting with him, on a swing, in a playground. and sometimes, your imaginary world took you to a rollercoaster, him holding your hand as you both screamed with the adrenaline rushing to your head. and eventually, your imagination would take you to a world where you'd picture a faceless wonwoo hugging you after a long day of studies, just as his words comforted you with the similar warmth of a hug.

well, faceless no more.

your face heats up as your mind strays to the thought of hugging wonwoo. knowing he was so much taller than you, and so beautifully built even in the hideous school uniform, his hugs would absolutely engulf you and drown you in his warmth. you shake your head as you focus on your book again. you shouldn't be daydreaming about your online best friend. not when you don't even have the guts to own up and face him in real life.

_

the next month is largely uneventful. the novelty of wonwoo's presence slowly wears off, although his fanbase does not. but you've grown smart at avoiding him. with your study pressure mounting up, you both have lesser time to play games anyway, but whenever you do, you're bound to lose your sleep. because after two hours of just you and him, your noise-cancelling headphones focusing on every breath he takes and curse he utters while playing, your mind feels like levitating. he frequents your dreams on those nights- and you dream about an alternate reality where you can sit next to him in the library and hear his gentle voice from up close instead of simply through your headphones. where his laugh shakes up your desk and you can actually see the beautiful smile you know he must have on his face whenever you crack a silly joke and he laughs for you. where you can solve his maths sums with him, after he complains about finding them too hard.

you know you're being stupid. you have your college entrances coming up really soon, and you should move on from this silly crush of yours when you're not even brave enough to do anything about it. but you simply can't distance yourself from jeon wonwoo.

"what are you thinking about, princess? you're very quiet these days." his question isn't probing, but caring. "it seems like there's a lot on your mind."

you sigh. "there is, but i can't tell you."

"no? wonwoo's upset on hearing that."

you double take on hearing that. "it's nothing serious. just silly worrying. i don't want to dump on you-" "you're not dumping anything on me. if you keep stuff from me, i'll feel even more helpless and sad." you try to understand if there's any hint of fakeness in his voice, but you cannot hear anything except the slow rumble of genuineness in his voice.

"i- i can't tell you, wonwoo."

"is it about me?"

"what? no. no, no. why would i be upset about you?"

"i don't know. why else would you hide things from me?"

"ummm-"

"i won't push you. but i really want to help. i like hearing you laugh often, princess."

he doesn't raise the issue again during that match, but his words linger in your mind for longer than they should. it ends up distracting you during the game, and he tsks into the microphone.

"i'm seriously going to abort this game if you don't tell me why you're playing so badly. i thought we were friends."

best friends, you remember telling wonwoo two months back. you're the closest thing to a best friend that i have, won. and he'd said it back, his voice shy, me too, princess. i'm so glad i found you.

"you're not going to let this go, will you?" your voice is vulnerable, as his caring words really seep into the layer beneath your skin. "if you want me to, i will."

"then i do want you to. i'll talk about it when i'm ready, wonwoo."

he sighs, and you feel the sound of his breath send a shudder through your spine.

"as you want, princess."

_

it's midterms week and you're neck-deep in assignments, when wonwoo's call request comes in. you don't think twice before accepting it, knowing he's a great study partner.

"hey! are you busy with exams?" "so right i am." "yeah lol, me too. 'tis the season, huh?" he chuckles, and you grin. if you consider the fact that it's almost the end of two months and wonwoo still doesn't know you, then it makes you feel ... kinda good on the inside. like you're in a detective movie. like you're in a spy film.

"my brother says he wants to meet you." you almost choke on your coffee when you ask him, "what?!" "yeah, he said that he's heard enough about you, now he wants to see if you exist at all." "you can just tell him i exist-" "he doesn't believe me. says that i'm too loser to have a sweet girl friend like you."

sweet girl friend.

pretty sure wonwoo doesn't intend it to sound like the way it does, but it does make your skin burn up with an unbearable blush instantly. all your sleepiness is gone instantly, his words acting quicker than coffee, and you sit upright.

"you're not a loser. and you have plenty of female friends, i'm sure." "no, and no. princess, i play games on my computer every day, barely have a social life, and haven't gone on a date with anyone in my seventeen years of existence. i don't think you understand my loser level."

"and your brother has done all of this?" "you bet. he has a girlfriend and he's just fifteen. seems kinda illegal to me." you laugh. "as long as he isn't crossing lines, it's not illegal i guess." "hmm true. the point is- we're really very different, my brother and i. and i admit i am a loser... in real life."

you coo at him, your voice becoming softer. you can't imagine him having confidence issues- not when you've seen how perfect he literally is. "i think you're just overthinking. firstly, gamers aren't losers. secondly, you do have a social life. you have me. and you have those other friends you game and hang out wit-" "yes but seungcheol and mingyu are also losers. seungcheol is literally in college but hasn't been able to get laid yet." wonwoo's dead-serious words make you burst out laughing, and he joins in.

"i think it's just because you're all shy. it's okay! you know i'm super shy too." there's a pause before he replies, and you almost think you've lost your internet connection. "i don't think you're as shy as me, though." "there's no comparative metric, won."

another pause. "maybe. but i wish i wasn't like this. you know, you and i live in the same city, but we've never even planned to meet up or anything."

your pulse flutters in your neck. "but that's the charm of online friendships! we connect so well, but just talking online is enough, isn't it?"

"yes... but don't you ever get curious?"

you're moments away from a meltdown. you want to confess your secret and run away from the desktop at the same time- because you're sure he's recognised you. but thankfully he replies before you do. "but then again, i wouldn't ever be able to face you because of how often you've beaten me in overwatch." and his laugh breaks the tension and you take a deep breath of relief. fuck. that was close.

_

"wonwoo, you were right when you'd told me you'll need some help in pre-calc. i understand that the curriculum in your previous school was slightly behind ours here, which is why your foundation is a bit weak. don't worry, smart boys like you catch up in no time." you'd barely paid attention to your math teacher's ramblings, eager to pack up your bag and leave for home. it's finally the end of the class day, and you're excited for the weekend. you also know wonwoo's birthday is tomorrow, and you've bought a new character for him on the game you're both obsessing on currently, and you can't wait to hear his excited, high-pitched giggle tonight when he receives his gift mid-match.

"y/n and seori, i want you to discuss amongst yourselves who would like to tutor wonwoo in his pre-calculus foundations for the rest of this term. you'll receive extra marks for this on my paper, so i request you to take this seriously."

your bag slips from your fingers, as you look up, an ashen look on your face. it's clear that your teacher wants you to take this up with the way she's got her eyes fixed on you even as seori has already stepped up to her. thankfully she speaks before you need to. "i'll do it, ma'am. y/n, i hope that's okay with you? i really need the extra marks," she whispers the last bit to you, and you let out a sigh of relief as you nod your approval. you look away from seori to see wonwoo's eyes on yours, and you panic for a moment. but there's no sign of recognition. just a mild curiosity and confusion flash in his pretty eyes, before you avert your eyes and walk out of the classroom.

it's probably a coincidence, you tell yourself as you walk back home, your heart still racing from the close escape you made mere minutes ago. it was bound to happen some time or the other, you console yourself, you're lucky to have avoided it for two entire months anyway. but as soon as you reach home and switch on your desktop, you see a notification flash.

4 messages from jeonwonubokdeongeori

what can he have to say? what if he has actually recognised you? you gulp, your palms sweaty as you click it open.

hey can we skip tonight's gaming session? i have a small gaming party with my friends tonight and then they'll be coming over for a sleepover

oh, must be a birthday celebration.

sorry if you were looking forward to it :(

you were looking forward to it. you've spent a solid bit of your savings from your pocket money to buy it for him, and you'd really looked forward to, well, hearing his reaction. but you wouldn't dream of barging into his plans.

ooh it's not a big deal at all! i hope you have fun, wonu <3

you see him come online instantly, and you're hit with panic. maybe you shouldn't have sent the heart. it was overstepping boundaries, wasn't it?

i'll make it up to you, princess ^^

god. he knows too damn well how to make your heart flutter.

or maybe you can come along and join the party? you already know seungcheol, right? it'll just be him and a couple of my other friends. jungkook and mingyu. they're really fun too hehe

the panic rises in your throat again. fuck. you remember exactly what happened the last time you joined a gaming party with wonwoo and seungcheol. and you've spent the entire last month trying to erase it from your memory, and if you could, really, from wonwoo's memory too. so you're pretty quick to turn him down.

nah i think i'll pass have fun tho!

and then you go offline to avoid spiralling into your thoughts, and get into studies. which is actually what you should be doing, instead of gaming with your crush anyway.

_

silence.

radio fucking silence.

there's just the pitter patter of the rain outside, but no replies from wonwoo.

i like hearing you laugh.

i'm glad i found you.

sweet girl friend.

it all feels like a lie when you stare for hours at the unseen, unread, unopened message that's staring back at you from your chat with wonwoo. it's almost night, one would think he could text back with a simple thank you after you'd spent half your pocket money on buying him the new character.

or maybe wonwoo is just like all the other boys. what did you even expect? that he'd be rolling over in gratitude after you buy him something he's been audibly craving for for weeks now? that he'd confess his love for you after you stupidly purchase something for him that has no real value?

get out of your damned imaginary world, y/n, you chide yourself mentally as you wipe the lone tear that has begun sliding down your cheek. but it doesn't make sense! after all these months of getting to know wonwoo, you simply can't believe it that he's this heartless that he won't even have the courtesy of replying back after almost an entire day of receiving the gift. and you know it's not an unwanted gift. and you also know wonwoo isn't the type to ghost you either! you'd think he's busy or caught up in something- but you can the little text next to his discord icon showing that he's been online today. then there's really no logical explanation left that can explain this kind of beha-

oh.

of course.

of course! he must have found out who you are. fuck. maybe during the delivery of the character, they must have shown him your email address or something to show them who's send him the gift. and that would be a total giveaway because your email address definitely contains your name. either he's put two and two together and matched princess with y/n, and naturally, instantly felt repulsed by you- hence the lack of response.

or.... (and this is honestly the worse option) he thinks you're just y/n who's sending him a birthday gift that miraculously coincides with something he really wants. oh my god. this really is much worse than the other alternative because now he thinks of you as a creep who can't even meet his eyes in class but must be stalking him and finding out about his gaming hobby.

another slow tear rolls down your cheek, and the phone drops from your hands and crashes down on the tiled floor, the screen cracking from side-to-side.

at this point, you should just drop out from school.

_

but of course you don't. monday comes round, and so does your period. you've never been more thankful for cramps before today. at least it saves you from the embarrassment of facing wonwoo. as you toss and turn in pain on your bed all day, trying fruitlessly to read your study material, your mind keeps going back to one face.

a single, delicately created face, with eyes that look alive. complete with a simple pair of metal glasses, shining against the spots of barely-there acne on two cherub cheeks.

you shake your head and dump your books on your lap. there's no point in this. it's a risk you've taken from the first day when you'd decided to hide from him instead of coming out as your true self. who knows, perhaps he wouldn't have rejected your friendship so blatantly then? instead, you try to sleep. maybe that'll help you feel refreshed.

but oh, you're not even left relieved in your sweet sleep. a single scene keeps replaying in your head as soon as you shut your eyes.

it was the first time you were in a live gaming party with voice unmuted. wonwoo, two of his friends, and two other friends from the common gaming server, smera and roy. he'd convinced you to switch on your mic because it was just friends who you trusted anyway. well, that was just the first mistake.

the second mistake had been, of course, to get comfortable enough with all of them to agree to play that silly truth and dare game. and then one thing had led to another, and a little bit of prodding from smera had ended up with you confessing that if there was anyone in this group who you'd kiss, it'd be wonwoo. if the mortification of that wasn't bad enough, smera had gone ahead and said that she'd even lowkey expected it. and within moments everyone else had forgotten your confession- it was as if they didn't even know how hard it had been to admit it- when rob confessed that he really want to kiss mingyu right now and the group started cheering.

the third mistake, and the worst one, had been staying on call with wonwoo after the party was over. "so you'd kiss me, huh?" he'd asked softly, his voice laced with a grin, as you'd blushed and thanked god he couldn't see you right now in your embarrassed live wire state. "among the others, yes. i don't know the others as well as i know you!" you'd rushed to explain, hoping your voice wasn't quivering as fast as your heartbeat. and then wonwoo had gone silent for a very long time, before saying, "and what if we knew each other outside this world, y/n? would you kiss me then?"

and then you hadn't been able to reply. you'd frozen in your spot, until wonwoo's shy laugh could be heard and he'd resumed the game.

you don't know if you could still reply today. perhaps it's the secret you'll hang for.

_

your excuse only lasts so long and eventually it's wednesday and you make your way out of bed. you've mentally lectured yourself enough times to know all the different things wonwoo might have to say to you and you've armed responses for most of them (although you think you're going to end up running away in almost all of them, forgetting your practiced response in the spur of the moment). your first class in mathematics, and you decide to arrive just a few minutes late so as to avoid any chance of conversation with wonwoo before class.

"oh y/n, you're finally here." your legs falter as you appear at the door of the classroom and find your teacher looking you straight in the eye. "sorry i'm late, ma'am!" "it's okay. i'd thought you'd be absent again." "i wasn't feeling well, ma'am, i'd mailed-" "yes yes i know," she nods her head impatiently. "it's good you came today. you'll have to start tutoring wonwoo from today itself. mid-terms are in two weeks, and i want his level to improve by then." "i thought seori...?" "seori isn't professional enough, from what wonwoo's told me."

it's only at this point that you realise that there's another pair of eyes focused on you in a piercing gaze. you know who it is, and you try your best to avert your glance.

not professional? you wonder what that may mean.

"fix up a timing for the sessions, and please don't disappoint me, y/n." she says the last bit with a pleading tone in her voice, and you wince. "alright, ma'am."

_

all through the class, there's only one thing playing in your mind on loop. you. wonwoo. in the tutoring room. alone. for the next two weeks. fix up a timing for the sessions. don't disappoint me. your lower lip wobbles and you can feel the tears inching in your eyes slowly. expectations. disappointment. aren't you just a disappointment to everyone? to your parents. to your teachers. to yourself.

even to wonwoo.

if you hadn't kept your head down for the entirety of the class, gazing at the sight outside the window, your attention completely unfocused from class, you would've noticed a figure turning to look at you whenever the teacher has her back to the class. but you don't notice him, so you don't realise his eyes fixed on you when you make a dash out of class as soon as the teacher leaves the classroom. you want to escape the inevitable for just another day- defer it, rather. you know it's going to be torture when wonwoo finally accosts you. as you make your way to a corner in the school, a secluded spot near the roof, where you've never seen anyone else going except yourself, a flurry of thoughts float in your head. all thoughts that should ideally deter you from running away. but you do it nonetheless, because you can't think straight. you feel the tangible cloud of these worries clog your throat as you hide in your favourite hideout corner and cover your face with your hands as you feel the fresh wind blow onto your heated skin.

he's going to hate you more now because you're delaying the academic help he deserves, simply because of your stupid nerves.

he's likely going to complain against you to the teachers, how you've taken academic responsibilities casually, and mar your good academic record and rapport with teachers. fuck, that's a further lower chance of getting the LORs you need.

he's also likely going to talk about what a creepy stalker you truly are in your mutual gaming circles, and you'll be ousted from the one safe space, your hobby, the one place where you've felt unjudged, the only place you can be yourself.

fuck. fuck. f-

"how long are you going to hide from me, princess?"

you freeze on spot. the voice is unmistakable, it's haunted your dreams long enough. you can feel a warmth in your periphery and you know he's right behind you. the hair on the back of your neck rise up into goosebumps and you know you've been caught.

you turn around slowly, your eyes fixed to the ground. you see wonwoo's sparkling white sneakers standing close to yours, and in the silence of this secluded spot, you can hear his breathing, slow and steady, completely contrasting your own shallow, frenzied breathing.

"i d- don't kn-know what you're t-talking a-about." you stutter through every word, your skin burning up with the keen awareness of wonwoo catching you red-handed.

"so that's how it going to be?" you can see his toes edge slightly forward, as if he's rocking in his shoes. and then you start to feel slightly less tensed. you start to focus on the tone he's using- it's not particularly menacing. in fact, it's not angry at all. which is surprising because-

"are you mad at me, princess?"

this time you look up, and you're hit with the force of wonwoo's beautiful eyes looking straight at you from barely any distance. with his height, he's easily towering over you, his glasses making his gaze more stern... and yet the way he's looking at you, it's so... soft? how odd that he's asking you if you're mad at him, when truly, it's quite the opposite.

"i sh-should be asking y-you that."

"me?" he tilts his head to one side in query, eyebrows furrowing. "i could never be mad at you."

your voice quivers as you speak the next words, "but you now know who i am."

"and?"

"that's why you're avoiding me!"

"that's true." you take a step back at his words. "so you do admit it, wonwoo?"

"i do. if you're referring to my lack of communication in this last few days, then it is true. i won't blame it on any excuse except my own conscious behaviour."

god. he's going to just say it like that. straightforward. no roundabouts. no sugarcoating. perhaps it's better like that. will save you the pain of hope after the heartbreak.

you look straight into wonwoo's eyes. "i get it, wonwoo. i've disappointed you. and you regret ever making friends with you. because i'm not popular, nor smart, nor attractive. you know how you'd wished if we could ever meet in real life? the truth is, now you're glad you didn't follow along that plan, otherwise you'd regret it terribly."

"i do regret it." he lifts his hand to brush your bangs out of your eyes. you almost jerk at his touch, but it's too gentle. when it gently wisps along your cheek, it feels... almost familiar. how cruel of him to do this before he's going to reject you outright. how cruel of him to give you a taste of heaven before leaving you heartbroken.

"why are you doing this, wonwoo? can't you leave me alone?"

his hand frames your cheek, cupping it barely, and you want to lean into his touch. when his cold palm slowly begins getting warmer through your touch, he speaks again. "i regret not meeting you sooner, princess. or rather, y/n. i regret not following up on that, y/n, because that way you'd never think such mean things about yourself. not just are you being mean to yourself, but also you're being mean to me!"

"to you?" your eyes grow wide, and a small smile plays on wonwoo's lips. "yes. you're not giving me a chance to explain myself. i'm sorry for disappearing on you after my birthday." he pauses, and you just raise your eyebrows, waiting for the explanation he's so desperate to give.

"yes, well. dumb move on my part. but then- i didn't know how to react after you sent that character to me!"

"how did you know it was me?"

"the mail id?"

"yes. damn, yes. i knew it."

he chuckles, "but i knew that you were princess long before that." "you did?" "seungcheol's sister goes to this school, you know? she'd recognised your voice immediately." you gasp at his words, "but you're still not letting me finish."

you take a step back, suddenly reeled back to reality. you try to move your face away from his hands, and his left hand drops from your cheeks, only to grab on to your wrist even as you step away. "i was stupid. i didn't know if you sending me the gift was... just friendly or something more. and just because i feel something more doesn't mean you will reciprocate it."

"what do you mean?" your voice is softer now, glazed with curiosity.

"the reason why i disappeared on you was because i needed time to think my way through with how i wanted to approach this with you. and convincing our math teacher to get you, her favourite student, to tutor me was the easiest way out ever." there's another chuckle, but your mind is spinning.

"approach what with me? wonwoo?"

he takes another step towards you, his hand slipping lower than your wrist and holding your palm now, inches away from locking his fingers around yours.

"i like you, y/n. don't you know that already?"

your mind whirls again, and you blink for a few seconds. "what?!" he blinks back at you, equally shocked. "i thought it was obvious, y/n. do you think i play games with any girl every night? share every life update with any girl every night? can't go to sleep without hearing the voice of any girl every night?"

"won-wonwoo..."

"so tell me now, please. spare me the heartbreak and tell me why you sent me that gift."

it feels surreal, but wonwoo's racing pulse against your fingers makes you realise that he's real. this is real. this is happening. wonwoo likes you.

"of course i like you wonwoo. i even told you i'd kiss you. wasn't that a giveaway enough?"

"you said that because i was the only one you'd kiss in a room full of other friends... but it didn't mean anything!" he's quick to protest, and your heart melts. maybe wonwoo is shier than you'd thought. so you take a step closer to him, and link your fingers into his finally. "well now you know what it means."

_

three bunked classes later, you and wonwoo make your way back to the main classroom area of the school. the rush of adrenaline in your body is insane right now, because you're holding hands with wonwoo. with wonwoo! you don't think you can believe it, so you keep looking down at your hands to make sure its real.

"i wish i'd met you before y/n. i was so desperate to know you more! it was so obvious," wonwoo's low giggles are music to your ears as he leans in to whisper his sweet words. "i thought that's why you kept running away from me." his hand slips out of your lock, and around your waist, pulling you in gently. you gasp at his move, and look around quickly to see if anyone's looking. but thankfully, there's no one in the corridors right now, so you let his hand remain there.

"i kept hiding because i was worried how you'd react on knowing the real me, won." "but i knew the real you already. sight isn't our only sense, you know." "yes, but i'm not-" "i don't care what you're not. there's so many things i'm not. and yet, you say that you like me. so what matters is you and me, don't you think?" you turn your head up to look at him, blushing at the fond look in his soft eyes. you want to hug him, pull him towards you and never let him go. but you settle for leaning closer into his body for now.

"i was promised a tutoring session, you know." he says slowly, as you realise you're both walking towards the isolated tutoring room of the school. it's empty right now, because it's still class hours. "do you want to be tutored now?" you raise your eyebrows, concerned at his wish to break out of this precious moment you're having and instead study. "i want to be in the tutoring room right now. there are no cctvs, see." you spin around to quickly check, blushing at the way he's whispering into your ear. but before you can turn back to him and reply, you feel a wet peck on your cheek, and your body bursts into flames.

jeon wonwoo just kissed you.

"wonwoo!"

"what? did you not like it?" he whispers, slightly alarmed.

"no! just! warn a girl before you do things like this, you know." you try to hide your blush furiously, but fail, as he wraps you into his embrace. "there are no other girls to warn. only you. and i don't need to warn you. because now you know i do things like this." and he leans in again, and before you realise, he's left a kiss on your nose. your heart races as you avert your gaze, and you're both erupting into giggles. "you're really a menace, jeon wonwoo." he cups your face with his hands, looking right into your eyes.

"and you're my princess, y/n."

[shinesurge]

Webcomic rings run by people within the community are cool and you should support them

I've been loudly struggling a little bit with corporate webcomic Stuff lately so I want to mention something positive to balance it out: webrings run by small groups of creators earnestly trying to support each other are slowly making a comeback and I for one am delighted.

If you weren't around for them in the before times, webrings were just some folks who hang out a lot who feature each other on their websites. That's literally it lmao. There's generally no money involved and it only really functions the way it's supposed to if people have control over their own websites AND genuinely want to participate and get excited about other folks' work, which means the practice has pretty well fallen by the wayside over the years in webcomic culture given. Everything. In the rare event someone decides to do something like this it's usually in the form of a link list somewhere on their website; this doesn't usually indicate any sort of mutual support, it's just a list of what the creator is reading themselves.

A webring, though, is an official banner or hub that people gather under intentionally where each member is more or less on equal footing. It's essentially the concept of "a rising tide lifts all boats" put into practice, each creator brings their own audience to the table in a passive, opt-in sort of way that's different from working for a publisher since there isn't necessarily a Top Spot or a paycheck everyone's vying for, and individuals retain autonomy over both their own work and how (if) they promote each other. You're all at your own tables in an artist alley rather than fighting over the table in the front of the book store, essentially.

I have two rings and one collective for you today!

Webcomic Ring was brought to my attention AGES ago by Holly, one of the artists featured there, and I might have brought it up at some point but I'm doing it again lmao. This is exactly the kind of thing you ought to be looking for; a small group of enthusiastic folks having a good time making their weird little comics. You probably haven't heard of much in the catalog, that's PERFECT in the context of webcomics that's where the GOOD SHIT is. Finding something like this is A Gift go dig around in the longboxes for a while.

Then a few people have pointed me in the direction of the KNIFEBEETLE collective and that's neat too! Most of the comics there are already fairly well-known, but the vibes are excellent and I haven't seen a lot of talk about the collective /itself/ outside folks already in the know. I think it's important for this sort of thing to be more visible to folks who aren't terminally steeped in webcomic culture already so here I am telling you about it. You were probably reading several of these before I suggested it, but that's how a webring works! For it to do its job you should take those bigger creators' tacit recommendation of the less popular titles as a sign to go read something new and strange. Wild, I know these are practices held over from the old internet, but I think we should try and bring them back.

Lastly, I want to mention Spiderforest, which is a collective (slightly different from a webring) BUT still a very cool project readers starved for new stuff should pay attention to.

You've probably seen Spiderforest kicking around for a long time already; they're wonderful and have always been an overall positive force in the community in my experience. They really focus on building up a community, and especially welcoming newcomers and helping them get their feet under them. Full disclosure, I've been asked to apply by a few different folks over the years and the only reason I never did is I don't have the ability to participate in their forums and such as frequently as they want their creators to; it's a very good system (from my outside perspective) that might contribute to the community staying mostly healthy in ways that art communities usually don't and I appreciate it a lot!

ANYWAYS that's all I got for now, just trying to balance out some bad feelings I've been having by talking about some good stuff. Please go binge an archive this week.

[librarycards]

pls ignore this is its too weird or too much labor, but i was wondering if you maybe had any tips or resources for ppl who have creative desires like writing but brain fog and fatigue tends to get in the way?

i do! it may not work for you bc people have very random/unexpected ways of dealing with this, but it's *very* common and there is hope :) [i think a lot of this is applicable across form, but i'm using "writing" here because it's what i'm familiar with]

one way is to be strategic about timing: this includes thinking about when you're least foggy/have the most energy, and/or the most "downtime" where there isn't anything in particular you need to do. many people wake up early so that they have alone time before their responsibilities. some people stay up late to write. i tend to do my daily writing (which I elucidate on below) in the evenings, around 7-10pm. whatever works, works!

relatedly: scheduling/routine is, for me, critical. i think it is for a lot of creative ppl. I write every day, in multiple ways: i keep a journal - i've done this since i was like 12, so it's as ingrained as brushing my teeth and i don't really think about it - and also work on some aspect of my current longest project [so, for the last 4 years, it's been the aforementioned second novel; for the 4ish years before that, it was Failure to Comply. i write other stuff during the daytime, of course, because writing is also my job(s). but if you're looking to establish a consistent creative practice, you don't need to be aiming for a certain hour or word count.

Instead: Aim for consistency and progress. Not perfection, not a "muse," not magic. There is no shame in making something that doesn't seem good, or that you end up deleting. in this particular instance, "perfect is the enemy of good" is 10000% true, and i think especially applicable to people who already experience external + internalized ableist ideologies on a daily basis. your art, regardless of what it is, should be a space where you get to make mistakes, change your mind, and learn new things. it should be something you can come to when you're tired, unsure, confused, scared, etc, even if it means just keysmashing and then closing your notes app for the day.

for me, having a daily practice, regardless of anything, means embracing the days where i write only one word and then despair, as well as the days i write pages. when i feel most depressed, in a very clinicized sense, i try to move from "everything i make now is going to be shitty :(" to "everything i make now is going to be shitty :)", not because i'm happy about it, but because....that's simply part of creating. everything is a bodily function. if you're not feeling good, maybe your poop will look weird. so too with writing. but you still do it. it can be mechanical. but it'll happen, and by doing it consistently, you give yourself the *opportunity* to locate insight hitherto buried, to have an idea creep up on your tiredself.

i guess in sum I'd say that the healthiest thing i ever did for my writing is something tantamount to body neutrality, which has also been an immensely positive addition to my set of frameworks for physical embodimindment. creative neutrality, i guess. this doesn't mean i don't tie my ego and personhood to work/productivity/quality. i mean, i totally do, and it sucks, but there we are. but it also means that i place that in a corner that does not touch my desire to chip away at something big, regularly. i make time every day to summon the urgency of whatever i'm working on, not because i'm proud of it at that moment, but because i want to give it another opportunity to give me something cool.

tl:dr: give yourself the gift of consistency and time, and don't be scared of making stuff that isn't good, or gets deleted, or doesn't make sense. write from wherever you want, physically, mentally, spiritually. give it the opportunity & even the expectation to happen and then work from there.

[icycoldninja]

Hi and welcome back! Can i request MGR Raiden x Autistic Fem Reader: Where the reader gives Raiden affection (like kissing him on the cheek or lips, and gives him a hug) everytime he comes back from missions before spending the rest of the day together, as for Raiden, he enjoys them and appreciate it as the reader accepted him of who he is.

A few days went by, everything between Raiden and the reader was going fine. Until he starts noticing Jake The Ripper has been restless (like feeling him clawing to get out) and doesn't understand why. But he managed to keep his alter-ego at bay. However, it eventually became more difficult for Raiden while hiding his inner struggle from the reader and keeping his distance (fearing of what Jake might do to her).

When the reader noticed Raiden has not been himself, she gets concerned and went to see him (wonder of what's wrong). Instead, she gets an unexpected visit from Jack The Ripper and his appearance made her nervous at first until it turned out that he was jealous of Raiden getting affection from the reader.

After the reader and Jack talked it out, he gives Raiden back control and gets concerned (and apologies to her). The reader reassures him before explaining to him of what happened? And is it okay if you can add a fluff ending?

Side Note: Hopefully you had a good new year's eve, and when i was writing this request, i'm curious of how Jack The Ripper interacts with an autistic reader. So i won't mind of how you'll write this, and this is my first time requesting on here. Have a good day or night 😊

Thank you, I know this is really late and I apologize, but I've been doing great and hope you are too! Enjoy!

Kisses (MGR!Raiden x Fem!Autistic!Reader)

If there was one thing Raiden could say his life previously lacked and that he wished he had more of it, it was love.

From a painfully early age, he'd been introduced to the dark arts of quiet murder and forced onto the battlefield to fight for causes he couldn't even understand, taking the lives of people he didn't know, all without a moral purpose, being driven on only by the jolts to his brain's pleasure center that his superiors would give him as a sick reward every time he made a kill.

That was the way he lived for a long time, clawing, scrambling, stabbing and choking all so he could experience that fleeting moment of ecstasy. No child, teenager, or full grown adult should have ever been treated that way, but Raiden was, and it took its toll on him. He developed an alter ego to control his murderous tendencies that had engraved themselves into his very soul over the years, and even gave him a name: Jack, after him. People added "the Ripper" part later on and it just stuck.

Jack the Ripper hadn't come out since you walked into his life. You gave him everything he wished he had in his life, and more. You gave him love, you gave him affection, you gave him attention, you made him feel safe, and most of all, you made him look forward to coming home.

Before, his house was just that; a house. A cold, soulless building he could take shelter in for a night. He would never get too attached to it since there was nothing worth attaching himself to—it could have burned down while he was away and he wouldn't have even cared. Now it was someplace warm, usually filled with the smell of waffles, freshly made coffee, or baked bread, somewhere he could relax in; a place where he could be him. He would defend this place and all that was in it with his life, or die trying.

Every little "Jackie!!" that greeted him when he set foot through the door sent his electric heart into overdrive. He never understood why you called him that, but he found it adorable when you did, even if the name "Jackie" made him think you were referring to a lady whose full name was Jacqueline.

He lived for the way you'd throw yourself into his arms and squeeze him like he was a stress ball, (in a way he was) and felt like melting into a puddle of metallic goo every time you kissed him. You seemed to like kissing him because you would kiss him all over; on his cheeks, his nose, his forehead, his lips—or what remained of them—and his jaw, completely disregarding the sharpness of the metal. You loved him unconditionally, it was clear, and he loved you for that, more than you would ever know.

You would always cling to his side after he got home, and he never objected. Raiden would cherish each and every one of these moments—they brought him joy like nothing else ever could and anything he might have enjoyed in the past paled in comparison. Yes, even his childhood "reward".

You could have said that your relationship was as smooth and sweet as a bar of high quality milk chocolate, but that would have been an understatement. Besides, things didn't stay that peaceful for long; a few days had gone by and Raiden was acting more unusual than usual, which could be pretty unusual. You normally wouldn't have paid it much mind, since Raiden's behavior changed from time to time and he tended to do very bizarre things, such as attempting to channel electrolytes into the toaster, but this time, he was talking to himself—and he wasn't absently making remarks like "oh, I should buy vegetables" or something of that sort. He was having full on, very serious conversations with himself, usually directed at the palm of his right hand. Whatever he was arguing with himself about must have been very grim indeed, as it eventually drove him to lock himself in the bedroom and stay there for hours, refusing to come out for any reason or even crack open the door to talk.

What he wasn't telling you was that his alter ego, the very same one he'd named, was trying to get out. He'd kept Jack the Ripper's existence a secret from you up until this point, and was hoping to keep it that way. Jack the Ripper was far too violent, far too psychotic, far too much of a piece of shit to be near you, but at the rate his control over him was declining, he might not have any say in the matter.

Meanwhile, you were getting frustrated. Raiden could do some pretty weird things, and you didn't mind that much, but his behavior indicated something was seriously wrong, and in a healthy relationship like this one, when something is this wrong, you need to discuss it. So, you retrieved a spare key to your bedroom that Raiden ironically asked you to keep in the kitchen in case you locked yourself out of your own room, and used it to get in. You weren't sure what to expect from him once you got there, but it sure wasn't this.

"Jackie?" You asked, of the quivering, convulsing mass writhing on the floor. "Are you okay?"

"Okay?" Repeated the mass angrily. "Do I look okay?" Raiden—or at least what you thought was Raiden—heaved himself up off the floor and approached you predatorily. This convinced you that the person before you wasn't who you thought it was.

"Who are you? What did you do to him?" You demanded. You weren't exactly in a place to make demands, since the approaching menace had you cornered between himself and the door, but you demanded anyway.

"I didn't do anything," He answered. "Why would I anyway? I need his body to live. If anyone did anything to him, it was you."

"Me?!"

"You."

"What'd I do?!" You couldn't believe this new person inhibiting Raiden's body was accusing you of all people of having done something to him. You liked to think you were doing a good job as his girlfriend.

"You made him all mushy inside," The thing that was and yet was not Raiden sneered. "With all your food, and your squealing, and your kissing." He paused a moment and narrowed his one eye, which was a frightening shade of red, shoulders heaving dramatically, as if he were fighting back the urge to grab you by the throat and strangle you. Trembling, you placed your hand on the doorknob and gripped it tightly, fearing you might have to make a break for it very soon.

In a few moments, "Raiden" spoke again.

"Oh God, the kissing! Why do you have to kiss him so much?!"

"What?!"

"That's right, girlie! You and all your sappy, lovey-dovey garbage has had him mentally doing cartwheels—head over heels in love, as they say."

"Well...isn't that a good thing?" You challenged. "If you...live inside him, shouldn't you be happy that he's happy?"

"No!" The being exploded. "I sure as hell ain't happy!"

"Why not?"

"Because I want kisses too!"

Silence fell upon the room. Cold and tense, it had the effect of stiffening every single one of your muscles, preventing you from throwing the door open and bolting down the hall, as you originally planned. Frozen with fear and confusion, you stared at him with wide, trembling eyes, trying desperately to understand what he just said.

"Could...you repeat that...please?" You said these words in a barely audible whimper, worried that he would attack you for speaking too loudly. Judging from how he took deep, shivering breaths while raking his claws up and down his metal legs to produce a horrible screeching noise, he probably would.

"Never mind." He grumbled, turning away and walking over to the nearby window.

"Uh, wait," You began, still flattened against the door. "You still...umm...haven't answered my question."

"Oh yeah?" Growled he, fixing his red eyeball on you. "And what was that again?"

"Who are you?" When he sharply turned away again, you feared he was preparing to attack. Thankfully, he only sighed, ran his claws up and down his legs again and answered,

"Name's Jack. Jack the Ripper. I'm kinda like your lover boy's other self. A more...violent self."

"But you are him, right?"

"No. Well...kinda. It's complicated. We share the same body and some memories. But one thing's for sure," The way his voice dipped suddenly made you jump slightly and turn the doorknob just a little bit in anticipation.

"Yeah," Jack the Ripper resumed. "One thing's for sure. We can't feel what the other one's feeling. So when you kiss him, I DON'T GET SHIT!"

His sudden proclamation echoed throughout the room for a solid six seconds, and had the same freezing effect as his silence. The good news was that this clarified a lot of things for you—this whole time, Jack the Ripper was just jealous. Poor guy. He must have been through more stuff than Raiden had, with absolutely no one to hold him or keep him company, or kiss him, like he so desperately desired.

"I'm sorry," You ventured, journeying away from the door and up to him. He was now staring angrily at the window, not looking through it, but rather glaring at it, as if he was trying to slice the glass with his gaze. "Honestly, I didn't know you even existed."

"Yeah, real typical of ol' "Jackie" to keep me hidden," Jack the Ripper mumbled bitterly.

"Well, I'm apologizing on his behalf, ok?" You said, taking one of his balled up fists in yours. "Can't say what he wanted, but I sure didn't mean to make you jealous, it's just, I only thought there was one of you in there."

"Well now you know." Huffed the Ripper.

"I do know. And...well...I wouldn't mind giving you that kiss now."

"There's no point," The cyborg sighed. "It'd feel like you're pitying me, and I hate being pitied."

"But I'm not—"

"Save it for Raiden," He cut you off, yanking his hand out of yours. "Thanks for hearing me out, I guess."

With that, he sat on the bed, put his head in his hands, and went immobile for the next minute or so. When he looked up again, Raiden—the real Raiden—was back in control, and upon seeing your wide-eyed expression, let out a long, suffering groan, and slowly stood up.

"Are you...back to yourself?" You almost hesitated to ask.

"Yes," Raiden exhaled, standing up. "Sorry you had to see that. That was Jack the Ripper, he—"

"He introduced himself, don't worry," You interjected softly. "I also found out he's very jealous. Of us."

"He demanded kisses from you," Raiden nodded. "I know, I heard." He blew out a sigh before continuing, "I'm sorry for keeping him a secret. I should've known he was gonna come out sooner or later, but I didn't think it'd be this soon. I just couldn't control him anymore. Sorry."

"It's fine, it's fine!" You insisted, a big grin breaking out onto your face. "He seems fun. I kinda like him."

"Do ya now?" Raiden let out an unconvinced series of dry chuckles. "Really? That's rare—he's got his name for a reason."

"I don't think so," You shrugged. "I think he's misunderstood. All he really seems to want is kisses."

"He must get that from me." Raiden said simply, insinuating his desires. Without missing a beat, you leaned over and planted a kiss on his lips, then pulled back and did it again.

"That one's for 'the Ripper'," You told him playfully, able to see the confusion in his eyes.

From that moment forwards, every time you hugged, kissed, or gave Raiden any kind of affection in general, you did it twice, one for him, and one for Jack the Ripper. It has so far kept both of them very happy.

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

Hi! I'm alive!

I have not been very active or responsive here for months; I've chosen to (/ in some cases had to) prioritize other things of late. But I'm still here! I'll share some of the things I've been up to under the readmore, but I'll start with this:

I'm really sorry to folks whose asks have gone unanswered.

I will try to get through some this month; but I won't manage to get through them all. If you are super in need of an answer, dm or send another ask letting me know and I'll make sure to prioritize yours <3

You can also try searching through my blog for answers; see this post for some of my most-used tags so you can search by topic.

Stuff I've been up to:

This past fall I was over the moon to be invited into several wonderful projects!

Two involved liturgy collections; one won't be out till Advent, but the other thing is A Sanctified Art's "Everything in Between" Lenten worship materials — I wrote a combined Maundy Thursday / Good Friday service for the collection.

The other project was a book coming out in spring 2026 on ministry with disabled youth. I almost couldn't believe it when I got an email inviting me to write a chapter of an anthology that will also hold the writings of real authors I've read! I wrote my chapter on "cripping" youth ministry by:

universalizing access (no more accomodations only for youth who have managed to get a diagnosis — everyone deserves to have their needs met);

integrating "crip genius / disabled wisdom" (drawing especially from Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha's writing);

and incorporating what Laverne Cox calls possibility models into lesson plans — for the purposes of youth ministry, this would include figures from scripture, across (Christian & other) history, and into the present who model possibilities beyond the absent or miserable futures society lays out for disabled, BIPOC, queer, and otherwise marginalized persons.

I'm also seeking to.....go back to school!

I'm a scholar at heart and I miss the chance to research and discuss in an academic community. I actually just got my rejection letter from Emory's PhD in religion program last week :(

I'm not surprised — it's an incredibly competitive program and I don't have the experience under my belt that some applicants likely do. Still. Sigh. I have big tangled Feelings about it, but I'll probably save those for my other more personal blog, @a-queer-seminarian. But I just submitted my application for Emory's Candler School of Religion's Doctor of Ministry program! which is a much less intense doctorate than a PhD, made for ministers to complete while continuing their usual work.

Also, its abbreviation is DMin, pronounced Demon. Which I'm sure I'll keep making jokes about long past everyone in my life finds it funny lmao

Finally, I've been working hard at working...less hard.

I've been in Autistic burnout since at least seminary, but still have pushed myself to get a certain amount of things done every month. This past year or so, my bodymind has been teaching me the hard lesson that I just. can't. do that anymore.

I've been trying to practice what I preach, to embrace crip time — for crip time is sabbath time is God's time. And we truly are beloved; we don't need to "produce" a damn thing to earn that love. Part of being in solidarity, of acknowledging our interdependence with God, humans, and the created world, is letting ourselves be cared for. Finding small creative ways to show our care.

In 2024 I finally did things I just "never got around to" before, like trying out new medications (wellbutrin & trazodone my beloved <3) and getting my labs done (turns out my body doesn't make its own folate so now I get it in pill form and I think it's really helped my energy and mood! Aaand I've been going to therapy. And trying to refocus on what matters to me most.

Okay that's enough. How are y'all? Where are you finding community? What sources of hope, wisdom, creativity have you found most helpful in a time such as this?

[ethicallychallengedfishie]

🫧Nothing like the Holidays

Synopsis; A deeper look into Raf's new years card, showing how warm and comforting being with him and his family would've felt for this new years.

Word count; 8.9k

Pairing; Rafayel x GN! reader

CW; Spoilers for the new Thomas Underground story, Gn pronouns, non!mc reader, fluff, sweet and fluffy holiday feelings, Rafs New Years card inspired, extremely self indulgent lol, not beta read, Rafs nicknames in replacement of y/n. I'm pretty sure this fic is general enough for it to apply to anybody, but if it comes off more fem that thats my bad, @ me and Ill try to fix it <3, rushed ending but lowkey I've been writing this for 4 months so I'm like, good now LMAO.

𓈒ㅤׂㅤ𓇼 ࣪ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ⭒𓇼 ⭒ㅤ𓈒ㅤׂ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ𓇼 ࣪ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ⭒ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ𓇼 ࣪ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ⭒ 𓇼 ⭒ㅤ𓈒ㅤׂ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ𓇼 ࣪ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ⭒𓇼 ⭒ㅤ𓈒ㅤׂ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ𓇼 ⭒ㅤ𓈒ㅤׂ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ𓇼 ࣪ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ⭒ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ𓇼 ࣪ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ⭒ 𓇼 ⭒ㅤ𓈒ㅤׂ 🫧

When Rafayel had asked you to join him and his family for New Year’s, you weren’t entirely sure what to say. When the small, inconspicuous, barely even counted as a sentence,  text had appeared on your screen, you couldn’t help but stare at it in shock. A small blush covered your cheeks, and your head subconsciously burrowed even further into your pillows, as you stared wide-eyed at your screen. You didn’t even register when your phone powered down due to inactivity, merely blinking when a barrage of texts flooded your lock screen. Assuring you that “you didn’t have to”, and “he just thought it’d be nice”, and maybe in the efforts to soothe your lover's anxiety, you had preemptively said yes without much thought. Not that you didn’t mean it, cause you did, of course you did. You just weren’t a holiday person. 

Now that's not to say you didn’t celebrate, you went to family Christmas parties and New Year's get-togethers, even had the awkward family conversations during Thanksgiving, and had made a habit of appearing in even the best of families. It was just, even with the family traditions and fun with friends, you never truly got excited over a holiday. There was always the same expectation of how it would play out. It was getting swept away with the excitement with friends or family for a day of festivities, and then just as quickly moving along with your life. You’d probably forget it was even happening altogether if not for the constant ravings from strangers on the internet or the rows of decorations that decorated various neighborhoods on your commute to work. Unlike many others, once the holiday was over, you were quick to move on, not one to reminisce or keep decorations up for months afterwards, if you even put things up in the first place. That was to say, you didn’t put a lot of emotional stock into the holidays. But somehow, like with everything, your boyfriend had managed to flip you on your axis. 

You know that it would probably be the same as if you were celebrating with your own family, if not missing a few crucial traditions that made you genuinely excited for any New Year's. You still couldn’t help but feel a new warmth seeping into your bones, even with the usual frosty chill that usually took over December just outside your door. Every time Rafayel would talk with you excitedly about the New Year's party, either at his home or over the phone, it managed to work you up even more. The picture he painted with his words and the small shine that had taken made a home in his eyes was more than enough for you. Especially when he offhandedly mentioned that this would be his first time celebrating New Years, it not being something they celebrated in Lemuira you came to learn. The idea of it being a whole new experience with him had left you beaming with joys.

This had been the most excited you’d felt for a holiday in years, leaving you to count down the days until New Years Eve. Even when Rafayel called you apologetically, pouting about how he was being dragged away to an art exhibition overseas and would be a little late to the party, your good mood hadn’t plummeted. It was only after you parked in Rafayels estate that you realized how unprepared you really felt. Physically? You were fine. You had spent almost 30 minutes making sure that you looked the best you could to make a good first impression. Which one could say was the root of the problem, you were meeting his family and closest friends. So mentally, and perhaps emotionally, you were becoming a bit of a mess. 

You couldn’t help but feel a little silly, seeing as you’ve run into Thomas multiple times while coming over to visit Rafayel and had actually become somewhat close throughout these past few months, but Thomas had decided to bring his wife, Solana, over for New Year's as well. As excited as you were, you always felt you did horribly on first impressions, finding yourself lingering on awkward silences and the struggle to find something interesting to talk about that wasn’t the weather or the drive out. And that's not even to mention that Talia would be there, you knew she would be a sweet woman, as when Rafayel would talk about her even with his regular ass there was an undertone of fondness. She was practically his closest and only family that you know of, and it wasn’t like Raf was here to be the social buffer like he usually was. You couldn’t help but feel the urge to use your rear-view mirror to see if there was anything else you should touch up on before heading to the door. Gripping your steering wheel, you take a big breath and lean your forehead against the top of it, making sure to count to 8 before releasing it in a 4 second long sigh. 

Not wanting to stew in your anxiety, you force yourself to unclip your seat belt and force your door open, grabbing the flowers you had picked up on the way before closing your door, perhaps a bit too harshly. The resulting bang echoed through the open space, but you simply continued walking along the path that led to his front door. Taking another deep breath, and exhaling a cloud of smoke due to the cold, you raise your hand to give a polite knock, even if you had a key to his home, you didn’t want to surprise anyone by appearing like a stranger out of nowhere. You had little time to stew in your thoughts, as the door was almost immediately thrown open, as if whoever had opened the door had been waiting for you. 

You could barely process who was in front of you, you only had time to note that it was a tall woman with olive skin, her black hair was put up in a loose ponytail, before she rushed to greet you with a hug. You could only stand in shock for a moment before gently wrapping your own arms around her, making sure that the flowers were still intact, even if they were a little more. A nervous smile spreads across your face as she pulls away and cradles your face with her hands, now being able to see her face, you slightly blush as you recognize the beautiful woman to be Rafayel's Aunt Talia, her dark eyes scanning your face as her ruby lips pull back into a soft smile. Kissing both of your cheeks, she emits nothing but warmth and overwhelming acceptance.

“Oh darling! It is just wonderful to meet you after all this time, please come in, do come in!”

At her insistence, you couldn’t help but dazedly allow her to pull you in through the doorway, stumbling over your words and clumsily closing the door with your heel, quickly kicking off your shoes as you smiled at the kind woman. 

“It's so nice to meet you, too, Mrs. Talia! Rafayel has nothing but kind things to say about you…”

You’re just about to hang your coat and bag on a hook when Thomas walks in with a small smile on his face, walking over to give me a small hug of his own. Smiling up at him, I couldn’t help my eyes widening a bit as I took in how he was dressed. Not used to seeing him so dressed down for the holidays, a simple jacket over a turtleneck sweater instead of his full three-piece suit. I'm quick to shrug off my coat as the rich smells of spices start to waft around me. 

“Hey, you finally made it!” “Yeah, sorry about the wait, traffic got a little hectic on the way over. When did you guys get here?”

Thomas moves out of the way so both you and Mrs. Talia can make your way into the house, the kind woman somewhat crowding you in her excitement. As you make your way even further into the house, the smells of the food only get stronger as you all take a seat on the long couch of Rafayel’s living room, you making a slight detour to place the flowers on the coffee table in front of you. Waving his hand, Thomas gives you a tired smile.

“Oh, me and Solana had to get here early so that we could start all the preparations for tonight's dinner! Mrs. Talia got here…maybe an hour ago?”

Talia was quick to hum her agreement. 

“Yes, we weren’t waiting long at all, dear. In fact, Thomas was just listing off some ideas of what we’re doing for the party tonight!”

With a small quirk of your eyebrow, you turn your gaze back to Thomas, who was still leaning back on the small loveseat.

“Oh? And what is the plan for tonight?”

“I was going to wait until Rafayel got home, but he just texted me about his flight getting delayed, so I think I’m just going to focus on making dinner before we decide on anything concrete.”

Mrs. Talia excitedly clapped her hands together, her smile still somehow beaming throughout this entire conversation. 

“Oh, but we have talked about cutting out our New Year's wishes and hanging them up on the trees! Oh, it just sounds so fun!”

Mrs. Talia ended her words with a soft hum and pivoted to face you more clearly, and cupped your hands in hers. You’d say that having her dark eyes gaze into you so thoroughly would make you uncomfortable in any other situation, but maybe with the context of her being the closest thing Rafayel has to a mother softens you, wanting to welcome her as vehemently as she has you. 

“Again, I must say what a pleasure it is to meet you~~! I’ve been wanting to meet you in person ever since Rafayel mentioned you to me~~ You are just gorgeous, darling!”

Blushing at her words you can't help but look away and ignore Thomas’s amused eyes, smiling slightly as you focus on both of your hands you can't help but thumb her gently. 

“I hope it’s been good things, knowing him he could be bad mouthing me for all I know…”, with a small laugh I look back into her eyes albeit nervously.  “Oh, nothing but the best, my dear~”

Our conversation is cut short as a clanging comes from the kitchen just down the hall and a small curse is uttered. Shortly afterwards, a tall woman walks around the corner, her hand resting on her prominent pregnancy bump. She was beautiful with her smokey brown hair pulled into a loose bun, two strands of hair framing her face perfectly as she raised one hand to tuck one strand behind her ear. Revealing a small mole that rested just under her dark eyes. Her outfit somewhat matched Thomas’s, if not in a more loose and comfortable fashion. She briefly looks up and softly shouts Thomas’s name.

“Hey Thomas, where are the–”,

She pauses as she takes in the new guest,

“oh hello! You must be Rafayel’s partner! It’s so nice to meet you, Thomas speaks of you both…well, we don’t need to get into specifics~!” 

With a small wink at the end of her words, she makes her way closer to where Thomas is sat on the love seat and takes a rest of her own, with a sigh through his nose Thomas excuses himself with a kiss to Solana’s head as he heads to the kitchen to watch the food and finish preparing whatever else is needed. You couldn’t help but look away at how domestic they looked, the love they had for each other apparent as Talia squealed her own hello. With a loud laugh, you turn yourself so that you're facing her and hold out your hand. After a brief handshake, you try not to overthink how this will be the first impression she has of you. 

“I wouldn’t be surprised if Thomas cursed us the moment he got home. Rafayel can be��something!”

The two women let out their laughs and we launched into the usual conversation that happens between two strangers; what we do for work, if we have any plans for the new Year, and the like. As Talia asks Solana how long is left until she's due, you take a moment to look over your shoulder at the large ceiling-to-floor windows, the curtains tied back as they open to the beautiful scenery of Rafayel’s garden as it slowly is covered in the soft flakes of snow. All of which lay a blanket of white for miles to see, the only thing breaking it up being the dark blue of the ocean. You couldn’t help but sigh softly as the absence of a certain painter starts to weigh on you.

You had been texting throughout the day, and his stay overseas, only taking a break when you finally needed to get ready to leave for his place. You weren’t nervous before about the possibility of him missing the party, knowing that he somehow always kept his promises to you. But with every passing hour you couldn’t help but get more anxious as the sun started to set, just as you pulled out your phone out to text Rafayel and ask for an update on how he was you were distracted by Mrs. Talia letting out a polite yet somehow loud gasp as she pointed towards the TV that you for one had not even noticed had been turned on.  When you looked up all you could see was Rafayel’s clueless face on the screen, phone in hand as he side eyes the camera. 

The notification from your phone reminds you of your two’s interrupted conversation as your quick to take a picture and send it to him, teasing him relentlessly as he stammers through his responses to the interviewer, it isn’t until he talks about his wish that you pause your onslaught and freeze as your face flushes in embarrassment. Avoiding the teasing gazes you can feel from the other two in the room, you quickly look at your messages, smiling as you see the read icon appear and continuing to text him, the camera crew and host finally turned to a different civilian to pester.

‘You; That was sooo embarrassing, saying that you miss me on TV~~’

‘Pretty Princess; I think u meant to say romantic??’

You're unable to reply to the text as movement from other people in the room makes you look up from your phone, you're quick to text Rafayel that you’ll see him soon and to travel safely before getting up from the couch yourself. Looking up from your phone to focus on the other two people from the room you notice how Talia has seemingly disappeared as she scowers Rafayel’s art supplies for something sufficient for the paper cutting of tonight. Looking towards Solana, you notice how she still looks a bit tired and can feel her reluctance to stand up, giving her a small smile when you ask what she was planning on doing. 

“Oh I just wanted to check up on Thomas and see if he needed help with anything. The food is almost done and ready, so it should be fine.”

She mutters the end as she sinks even further into the love seat, bringing her feet up to rest. 

Humming softly you offer to go see if Thomas needs help and blush as she passionately thanks you for the help, waving a small hand your quick to hop off the couch and make your way to the kitchen, mouth silently salivating at the smell coming from the kitchen. 

You can see that within the hour it's been since you’ve last seen him that he’s already returned to his work, moving around the kitchen as if by second nature and grabbing all the essentials that he needs to start finishing the dinner for tonight. While still dressed elegantly, you're glad to see that the usual air of professionalism and frantic energy that usually surrounds the man is gone, replacing it with a much more relaxed version of the Thomas you know. Not wanting to get in the way, you go to the other side of the island and lean against it, looking down at Thomas’s crouched figure from above.

“Hey, Solana just wanted to know if you needed any help with the food?”

Humming, he doesn’t turn to face me. Still focusing on rummaging through the cabinets and cupboards for the scattered pots and pans, I’m quick to hide my fidgeting hands. 

“Mmm, I think I'm okay for now. Thanks though.” 

Finding all he needed, he gets back up and struts to the stove to check on everything before turning around to face me with a small smile.

“I'm sure Talia would appreciate some help decorating for New years though, and tell my wife to stop worrying~.”

You give a small smirk and wave goodbye before turning on your heel and set out searching for the soprano woman. Something you’ve come to find about Lemerians, though perhaps it's just a Rafayel habit, is that they tend to sing wherever they go. Now that you think about it, you don’t know if it's a lumerian, or an opera singer thing since in reality you’ve only met the two. 

You were quick to find her as you followed the sound of singing. She was back to sitting back on the couch, this time with multitudes of paper strewn about, scissors laying haphazardly on the edge of the coffee table as she drew out designs in light pencil, forming different words like ‘wealth’, ‘health’, and ‘love’. She chattered excitedly to Solana, the pregnant woman herself seeming to be resting her eyes as the warmth from the newly set fire seeps into the room. 

“Hey Mrs. Talia, do you mind if I help with the decorations? Thomas kicked me out of the kitchen.” 

“Oh, of course my dear, and what did I say about calling me Miss? Please just call me Talia~~”

Her voice ended in a small tilt as she sang the last part of her name, a smile unconsciously appearing on your face as you scoot closer to the edge of the couch and pick up your own piece of red paper. Some time passes as you ready your materials and finally think about what you wish for in the new year. You're only able to start out the sketch of the word ‘health’ when your phone suddenly starts vibrating in your pocket, you're quick to apologize to Talia as you pull it out of your pocket and see ‘Pretty Princess’ as the caller ID. You apologize quietly as you show Talia her nephew was calling and excuse yourself to not distract her. 

The phone had only rung a few times before picking up. 

“Hello?” “Took you long enough! I thought I was going to be sent to voicemail–” “Ok, it did not take that long–”

The familiar rhythm of our banter was quick to make itself known as you went to the window showing the front yard of Rafayel’s estate. 

“Does it really matter how long you took when a call from me should’ve been answered on the first ring?” “Ok, whatever, why’re you calling me, loser?” “Loser?! Ok, I think I’ve spoiled you way too much if you're calling ME a loser!–”

Your small smile transforms into a wide grin as you hide your mouth in the palm of your hand. 

“–And if you must know, I come bearing bad news…” “Bad news? What happened? You okay?” “Yes, yes, I’m fine. Though it seems I’m going to be a little late today, I ran into some car troubles, you know the deal…”

You’re quick to quirk a brow as the sound of his car running perfectly fine comes from the other side of the phone. 

“Oh really? Your car broke down?” “Yup, real nasty, you won't want to know the details. And like, I also got scammed.” “Scammed?” “Yeah, y’know those flowers I ordered?” “The beautiful flowers you promised me, uh yeah” “Yeah, well, the guy's cat ate them, soooo no flowers today.”

You let out a long sigh, making it seem as if you’re truly devastated by the turn of events.  Looking at the clock on your phone you notice the time, ‘he should be close by now’. 

“Some boyfriend you are, I was really looking forward to those sighhh…” “I know, I know, I'm the worst. Anyways, don’t wait up for me, I'm probably not even gonna make till like, midnight–”

Making a humming sound as you see his car pull up in his driveway, smiling as you hear him exiting his car. A moment later you also hear the jingling of his keys as he goes to unlock the door, a faint echo comes from beyond the door as he gets closer.

“Man don’t even come home at this point, I’m changing your locks!  “I’ll sue you, and then what will you do? Huh? –”  “You know what Raf, You aren’t a good boyfriend–” “Oh really?–” “Yeah! Don’t call me, don’t come by my house, we’re done–”

You’re suddenly cut off as the door opens, revealing the man shouldering his way through the doorway and kicking said door closed with his foot as he slides off his shoes. His eyes immediately find you and a smile covers his face before he playfully scowls at you. He hangs up on you before making his way closer. 

“Oh we’re done are we? Well I guess you don’t want the flowers I promised you, huh?”

Now noticing the hand he had behind his back, he pulls out a beautiful bouquet of flame lilies. As your eyes meet over the flowers, he continues to smile at me. 

“Happy new years, cutie~~’

You move closer to him and gently grab the flowers from his hands, holding them up to hide the bottom of your face, focusing on them as you try to hide your blush from Rafayel; who clearly can tell what you're doing by the mirth in his eyes. 

“Happy new years, Raf...”

Your eyes dance around his face before looking off to the side as he moves closer. You're saved from the oncoming teasing as Talia squeals echo from the end of the hall, her heels making sharp clicking sounds as she quickly makes her way towards us. 

“Rafayel, my darling boy, it’s so good to see you–”

As she outstretches her arms to engulf the artist in a hug, pinching his cheeks. He sends you a small pleading look that you skillfully avoid, turning to quickly retreat the same way the woman entered. Leaving the two to talk, you make your way towards the kitchen where you remember spying a vase for the flowers. Passing through the living room you see that Talia transformed the living room to truly embody the meaning of ‘new years’ party, despite her never participating herself. It was heartwarming to see her personal touches all around the room in the forms of small notes stating new years wishes stuck to Reddie’s tank, the statues being wrapped in lights and covered in wooly hats in preparation for the upcoming night. 

You were never really one who went all out for new years, the most you’ve done is eat the traditional desserts made every new year with your family as you sleepily tried to stay up for the countdown. Jumping at the sound of booming fireworks that the neighbors used to express their own excitement for the upcoming year. It was nice to see someone else getting into the spirit of things, and seeing what new traditions that might come from this year onward. 

Softly shaking your head for the musing, you begin to softly pet the petals with the pad of your finger as you enter the kitchen. Solana, who you’d noted had disappeared, seemed to take her place at the kitchen island, Thomas’s jacket covering her shoulders as she sat on one of the stools, resting her head in her hand, the other scrolling through her phone as she murmured plans with Thomas. 

“Going to be honest, Thomas, I didn’t really expect you to be the cooking type…”

While Thomas paused and turned his neck to face you, sweat collected at his temples as the heat from all the cooking seemed to take its toll on him as Solana let out a hearty laugh. 

“Yeah, you wouldn’t think it but Thomas is the one who cooks for us most nights! I think he uses it as a coping mechanism from Rafayel with how aggressively he prepares things sometimes~~”

His face now covered in a small blush, you can't hold in my laugh as you make your way to the far counter and grab the empty vase. Filling it with water, you begin to place the flowers in as the sound of Thomas going back to work echoes from behind you. 

“Ok, ok, that's enough from you! You enjoy my cooking so I’d watch what you say about it~~”,

He points a spatula in Solanas direction before his gaze dartsdown to the lilies in your hand with a small quirk of his eyebrow,

“I'm assuming those are from the guest of the hour? He finally made it?”

“Yup! Just arrived, literally like a few minutes ago. Luckily, Mrs. Talia got to him before either of us could.”

Thomas’s face shifts into a small grimace as he thinks of what Talia is currently pestering and proding the artist about before clearing his throat and returning to preparing the lobsters to boil. 

“Yeah, well, serves him right for making us think he wouldn’t make it on time. He’s lucky I’m even making this dinner for him…”

Solana hums a small agreement and gets up from her seat to hug Thomas from the side, taking some time to look over the food herself with a small lick to her lips.

“He's very lucky to have a friend like you Thomas~. It smells so good…”

The man sends a mirthful look her way before looking towards you with a small smile himself. 

“Dinner will be finished in a few minutes, so if you wouldn’t mind distracting our resident lemurians that’d be great!”

With a small nod, you turn once again on your heel in hopes of finding the two runaway singers.

“Ah, yes of course, leave it to me~!” 

Entering the living room, you were expecting to see  Rafayel and Mrs. Talia in the same spot you left them. You could only blink in surprise when you saw that only Mrs. Talia was still in the living room, her eyes brightening as she saw you enter. 

“Oh, my dear, I have something for you~ Come, come, please” 

She insists as she pats the spot next to her on the couch. As you sit, she leans down and grabs a decently sized box from beside the couch. Opening it, she's quick to grab what appears to be a bright red new years outfit. Holding it up to your collarbone, she hums and titters. A sudden warmth takes over your chest as you look down to take in the outfit she had prepared for you, feeling surprisingly doted on. Your face warms up as you look back towards her as she pinches your cheek with a short squeal. 

“Oh I just knew it would suit you, you must try it on!” “Uh, thank you…but I don’t know if–” “Please I insist, you wouldn’t say no to a request from an elder would you~ Now go, try it on upstairs!”

Feeling slightly chastised, you carefully grab the red outfit from her, her excitement slowly spreading to you as you stand from the couch to make your way upstairs to change in the guest bedroom. Just as you were about to turn you hear Mrs. Talia make a small sound of surprise and feel her gently tug on the hem of your sweater. 

“Before I forget, please take this!”

As she hands you a red pouch, you glance down at it in surprise. You open the packet only for your eyes to widen at the obscene amount of money that rests inside. 

“It's my first time handing out holiday money as an elder, please do tell me if it's enough.”

“Oh Mrs. Talia, I couldn’t this is…this is to much–”

“Please, if anything it’s not enough! And what did I tell you about calling me Talia, please~ Now go change, quickly!” “Alright…if you're sure..”

Still slightly dazed from the interaction, you slowly make your way upstairs, the new outfit dangling from your arms and the red pouch in your hand as you make your way to the guest bedroom. It wasn’t until you closed the door and started changing that you realized you had forgotten to ask her where Rafayel had gone. Shrugging your shoulders, you fully change into the new outfit, making sure to check yourself out in the full length mirror by the closet you had to admit that you did look good. Looking at yourself from different angles and fixing your hair a bit, a knock suddenly comes from the door behind you. Giving yourself a glance over once more and thinking good enough, you turn to answer the door. 

“Hello~ Who is it~~?” “Who do you think, cutie~~ Let me in–”

Opening the door, you're quick to look over Rafayel. He had changed from his, albeit still fancy, casual clothes to a beautiful red suit. It was a far cry from what he usually wears, though you werent surprised that he looked absolutely beautiful in it. The red didn’t wash out any of his charms, and instead almost made them pop even more, you made a mental note to convince him to wear red more in the future.

“Oh would you look at what the cat dragged in~” “Puhlease, I counted how long you were feeling me up with your eyes, it was frankly ridiculous. You should be glad I don’t have you arrested for harassment–”

“Oh haha, okay. Yes, you look very handsome~” “You look good yourself, cutie~ I'm assuming Auntie also gave you this little number downstairs?”

Spinning around to show him your entire outfit, Rafayel acts as if he's truly appraising your outfit, looking you up and down before giving a simple hum of appreciation. 

“That she did, though not gonna lie, I'm like, kinda scared how she was able to guess my measurements this good.” “I suppose we’ll never know~ Anyways, take this.” 

You’re taken by surprise, once again, as Rafayel gently shoves another red packet into my hand. Opening it in disbelief you snap your head back up to glare at Rafayel. Who suddenly thinks his nails are the most interesting thing in the world. 

“What is this?!” “What do you think it is? It's the money Auntie gave me?” “Uh yeah, I could guess but why are you giving it to me?!”

He shoots you a look, as if the answer to that question is obvious and you can’t help but look down embarrassed. 

“What is it with rich people and just dropping money everywhere?”

He’s quick to flick your forehead. 

“It's not dropping it if it's set aside for a specific someone, I just wanted to give you my share of the money is all. We both know I already have more than enough~~” “Yeah, but still–”

We’re both cut off as Thomas shouts up the stairs that supper is ready to be served, both of our heads turning towards the hallway as Thomas’s words echo up the stairway. A few seconds pass before Raf turns his head back towards you with a smile, tilting his head towards the direction of Thomas’s voice with a quirk of his eyebrow.

“Shall we?”

With a small nod, you turn to follow him. Shamelessly grabbing his hand as you both walk down the stairs and into the kitchen where the dining table rests, seeing his face flush in your peripheral vision making you smile. You drop his hand as you make your way closer to the table, choosing the seat across from Solana, who had Thomas pulling out her chair for her before taking his place beside her. Turning your head to the side to hide your smile as Rafayel is quick to steal the seat right next to you, and meeting Talia’s joyful eyes as she looks over the scene from her seat at the head of the table.

You take a moment to appreciate the food in front of you. You could tell how much effort and effort went into making it, the time spent over the last few hours making the house smell absolutely divine. You were excited to see some of your favorite foods were part of the spread and were excited to dig in, your mouth watering since you first saw the mountains of food set up on the table the moment you entered the kitchen. But you took a small breath in and took a quick glance at the people around you, you weren’t sure if the two Lemurians, or Thomas who had planned the whole thing, had a certain way they wanted to do this. So you took a moment to just appreciate the flow of conversation between the others. 

You hoped that it would be this inviting and warm throughout the entire dinner and that it wouldn't devolve into the awkward conversations that usually rolled around each holiday for your family. Though if you had to guess, you’d say that this new year would be very different from any you've experienced before. You had a hard time tampering down your smile as it seemed everyone just decided to dig in and the usual dance of asking for someone to pass some food you couldn’t reach on your own filled the air. It wasn't until everyone had been situated with food that Thomas cleared his throat and spoke to everyone at the table. 

“So, since it's the Linkon new year, we should all say our new year's wishes before digging in! That's usually the tradition, right?” 

He took in Solana’s smile and hum of agreement before suddenly looking in your direction, blinking you're quick to nod. Never mind the fact that this is a tradition different from your own families as you weren’t the kind to say new years wishes. It didn’t help that in the corner of your eye you could see a small smirk growing on Rafayel’s face, in response to seeing you put on the spot. 

“You can go first Mrs. Talia!” 

Talia freezes as everyone turns their attention to her, a short lull in conversation hits as she seems to think about what she wants to wish for the new years. Her eyes brighten in excitement as she clasps her hands together and spares a look for everyone at the table. 

“I wish that everyone here has a prosperous life!” 

Thomas's left eye twitches for a split second before giving her a small smile. Solana trying to hide her own smile with her hands.

“Ah, that's a little formal. We aren't at a banquet or anything, so please try again!” 

Talia hums a small note before clearing her throat, a small embarrassed flush covering her cheeks.

“Ah my apologies, I've been going to so many formal parties recently it must've rubbed off on me…” 

She takes a moment to think again before her eyes once again light up in excitement once more. 

“I wish that everyone here has a great year, and that all their wishes come true!” 

Looking proud of herself, everyone gives a small smile and hums of agreement as Thomas clears his own throat, placing his napkin aside as he goes to speek. 

“My turn, I hope that everyone has a successful career and that everything goes your way!” 

He shoots a small look at Rafeyal before finishing, 

“I also wish that someone can learn to finish their paintings before the due date this upcoming year!”

Without a beat, Rafayel quickly continues after him, as if Thomas hadn’t spoken at all.

“I wish that everyone is wealthy and healthy!”

Solana raises her own glass of juice to that and says a quick ‘amen to that!’ as she clears her voice to continue, 

“I, too, hope that everyone here is crazy rich and that Rafayel gives my poor husband a break before the baby comes~”

Smiling, you give a soft laugh before freezing as everyone turns their light hearted gaze to you. Having your own moment of internal panic you quickly scan your brain for anything that could be used as a wish for the upcoming year. After a moment of hesitation, you clear your throat and say as confidently as you can; 

“I hope that everyone has a fantastic year and all their wishes come true?!”  “Cheers to that!” 

Everyone raises their glass of respected beverage and clinks sound out throughout the room. You hold in a laugh as Rafayel dodges Thomas’s attempt and immediately taps your glass with his, everyone exchanging pleasantries as they are finally able to dig into their food. After dinner, which you were overjoyed to see stayed as warm as this entire day had been, everyone stands and brings their plates to the sink before making their way to the living room, talking about the plan of the evening; that being to paper cutting. 

Everyone was quick to take their seats; Thomas quick to save the side of Rafayels long couch with the most pillows for Solana and was quick to take his own seat beside her as she pulled the coffee table a bit closer to them, Talia confidently sat at the sole chair just beside them angling her chair to face the table more with sparks of joy still radiating from her eyes as she took in all the supplies. It all ended with you being seemingly corralled by Rafayel to sit on the love seat right beside him, that was placed at the other end of the table across from his aunt. His expression, a content smile as if having you this close to his side was all he needed to make his night, you couldn’t help but curl yourself closer to him and ignored the roll of your stomach as he directed his blinding smile towards you. Looking away, you take a moment to assess the table and the various assortment of paper, all in hues of gold and red, alongside the multiple pairs of scissors or anything else you might need. 

As the night progressed, the sun now long sunken below the horizon leaving the night to blanket the sky, you couldn’t help but take breaks between cutting the paper and checking the time. The ambiance of paper being cut and the pops from the fireplace every so often, the air filled with a constant stream of conversation as Thomas and Solana take it upon themselves to guide Talia through the best ways to cut her words out. The light had been dimmed to a soft yellow, bathing the room in soothing warm hues that were starting to make your eyes droop as you took in how the time was getting later and later. It didn’t help that being so close to Rafayel had started to have a comforting effect, with his body heat and voice like honey soothing you to sleep.

And while learning this new tradition alongside the lemurians had been fun, there's only so many failed attempts and ugly designs you could take before you just left the artistic value of both you and Rafayels paper crafts in his artistic hands. Huffing, you rest your cheek on your hand as you look up to watch everyone cutting their own designs. A warm feeling enters your heart as you watch Talia cut her words with such passion, and see Solana in the same boat as you as she leans back against the pillows with her own dropping eyes, rubbing her hand on Thomas’s back as he leans over to finish his words.  Your eyes naturally drift back to the man beside you, his presence like a beacon specifically tailored for your attention. He himself had slowly shifted towards the edge of the love seat as he elegantly cut intricate designs into a red piece of paper, soft humming coming from him as his artist brain started to lock in on the task. You aren’t entirely surprised that despite this being his first time doing the activity that he's taken to it frighteningly quickly, as he always seems to when something relates to art. 

The warm atmosphere of the living room had made his features come across softer, the smile on his face small but you could tell it was filled with contentment as he was surrounded with the people he considered his closest friends and family. The orange glow from the fire painted him in a beautiful warm light, making him seem almost angelic in the way it highlighted all his features. His eyes, while serious, still warm as he focused on the task at hand. He had taken off his jacket almost immediately once you had started, throwing it over the back of the lover seat. It made him strike a handsome figure, and as much as you would love to spend the evening just staring at your lover, you're growing a bit cramped in the small space the seat provides. Grabbing your phone from the table in front of you, you check the time. 

“9:30, we still have like, two and a half hours left…” 

Sighing as you throw yourself back into the chair, you turn your head towards Rafayel and move to lean your head on his shoulder, lightly murmuring in his ear as to not disrupt the calm atmosphere of the room.

“Hey, I'm getting a drink from the kitchen. Do you want anything?”

With a short hum, the man takes his own time to stretch, making sure to drop his arm around your shoulder like the loser he was. Giving a long hum of consideration, he turns his head to face you and gives a simple shrug of his shoulders. 

“Hm, I think I’m good for now. Thanks though, cutie~”

Seemingly fine now after his brief strech he’s back into the zone, stealing his arm back from around your shoulder. Nodding along to his words, you move to stand up and make your way to the kitchen. You quickly make your way towards the fridge and looking inside it for anything that may satisfy your sudden thirst, it's only when you finally find the ice tea you made Rafayel buy that you hear someone behind you and curse. Whipping around from the shock, your eyebrow quirks when you see Thomas entering the kitchen, he gives you a small wave when he sees you looking in his direction. 

“Hey, sorry didn’t mean to startle you. Solana’s thirsty too so I thought I might as well.”

Moving so you aren’t in the way of the fridge you gesture for him to take a gander  

“All good, happy wife, happy laugh and all that.” 

After a quick shared laugh, a comfortable silence blankets the kitchen, broken up by nothing but Thomas rummaging around in the kitchen. He surprisingly picks a beer from the case at the bottom, and shrugs when he sees your questioning gaze. 

“I didn’t take you to be a beer guy?” “You apparently don’t take me for a lot of things” “Fair enough~”

Turning back to rummage through the kitchen, he picks up another can of iced tea and places it next to his beer. Leaning against the kitchen counter, he tabs open his drink that lets out a hiss into the air before the comfortable silence returns. As both of you sip from your own drinks, you feel the need to start a new  conversation. 

“Kinda off topic but, it’s been awhile since I’ve done hands-on arts and crafts. My family doesn’t typically do it.”

“Yeah mine either, but both Rafayel and Talia insisted we do it, something about this ‘being a local custom’ they had to try out.” “They’re really into it so far, especially Raf. Though I’m not sure if we should be surprised.”

Thomas laughs softly before taking a sip from his drink again, quick to resume the conversation. 

“Well, I’m sure anything new can be pretty exciting to experience. During the first time at least…”

Nodding along, you continue to lean against the counter. You were starting to feel a little drained from the day, not that you haven’t been having fun. But you already work on a low social battery, so to be in the company of so many others for this long seemed to be finally taking its toll. As if sensing your low energy, Thomas gives you one last smile before picking up the iced tea and starts to make his way to the living room. 

“I better go give this to the misses, I’m sure I’ve kept her waiting long enough.” “Oh yeah, of course don't let me keep you, I’ll probably hang out here for a little longer…”

With a small nod, he steps out the kitchen doorway and you’re once again surrounded in silence. Or, as close to silence you can get with the echo of the other conversation in the living room. With another sip of your drink, you move your way to the windows and take a moment to take in the scenery. The lights in Rafayel’s garden were bright enough to give it a soft, warm glow even with the pitch black dark of the night, just enough to illuminate the path but not be overwhelming. Even with the soft flakes of snow still falling, you couldn’t help but feel the urge to get some true silence from everything, if not for a few minutes. Making your way back to the living room, you pass behind Rafayel, who seems to have taken another break from the crafts as he leans back against the love seat. As you pass behind him, he turns to look at you with warm eyes. You smile back at him before leaning down close to his ear. 

“I'm going to go outside, I need a minute.”

He looks at you curiously and turns so he's mainly facing you more, one of his arms resting on the back of the love seat.

“You okay? I can come with–” “No, no, it's fine. Like I said, I just need a minute, don’t worry about it~~”

You give a small kiss to the side of his head before making your way to get your shoes, feeling Rafayel’s eyes on you. You fondly rolled your eyes with a small scoff as you grabbed your coat and scuffed on your shoes, as much as you’d love to not care about how cold it was, but looking at your phone, you see it's around 11:40 pm and you could not be bothered. Shuffling up the hood, you open the door and step out into the wall of cold. Your breath immediately turns to smoke as you shove your hands in your pockets and walk around the estate until you reach the gate for the garden. You could already feel the cold air settling your overwhelmed feelings, and the view isn’t bad either. 

With the sounds of the distant waves pulling you into a small trance as you walked around the garden, your nose began to itch as the cold nipped it. You knew you had to be careful with your time, only expecting to be out for a few short moments, which is why you were confused to hear someone walking up behind you with the creak of the gate. Before even turning around, you could tell who it was going to be. The sight of Rafayel, still in his red New Year's outfit, wasn’t a surprise in any way. His face covered in a blinding smile, one that made your breath stop short as the idea of just the sight of you was enough to make him smile like that. Your arms were already open by the time he had even gotten the idea in his head, his warmth a welcome one after being in the cold for however long. Arms now around his waist, just under his coat, you feel his head rest on yours with a soft puff of air. 

“You’ve been out here forever. Trying to catch a cold, cutie~?” “Haha, yes. I’ve only been out here for like”, pulling your arm back to grab your phone, your eyes widened in shock, “15 minutes?!” “Yeah, so if we don’t act fast someone,” He gives you a small pout, “will get a nasty cold tomorrow.”

Giving him a soft hum, you finally pull away, grinning as his hand reaches out to hold yours. Hiding your smile as he pulls ahead, tugging you along the rest of the path closer to the house. While you can appreciate how you both can still thrive in adoring silences, you can’t help but blurt out the thought that's been on your mind since earlier this evening. 

“Is this really the first time you’ve celebrated New Year's, Raf?”

Slowing down, Rafayel peers over his shoulder and gives you an incredulous look. With a raised brow, he narrows his eyes playfully at you.  

“Why do you ask?”

Looking away, towards the sea, you hope the blush covering your cheeks can be attributed to frostbite instead of your embarrassment as you rush out your next words. 

“It's just…everything feels good. Really good. Lively. I guess I'm trying to say everything is going a lot better than what I imagined…”

Rafayel’s brows raise even further as he comes to a stop in the path, turning to face you entirely. Grabbing both your hands with his, he gives a soft sigh. 

“Of course it did, don’t know why you're surprised. Besides, I think it was actually a bad thing it was so lively,” 

He brings your hands closer to his mouth to place a small kiss on them before pointing a small pout your way, 

“It’s taken a whole day before I finally got a moment alone with you…”

Sighing, you pull him towards you once more and wrap your arms around his waist. He huffs a breath and wraps his arms around you, murmuring something like ‘just one hug’, before pulling back and cupping your face in his hands and leaning closer to give you a soft kiss. It was sudden, and honestly shocked you with how cold it was, but you couldn’t help the giddy smile that crossed your face. This is what you had been looking forward to since the moment he had invited you over, chancing a look at your phone, your jaw drops as you notice the clock has already hit midnight. Snapping your head back up to look at him you notice how he had been hiding his own smile, huffing you raise your hands and poke his cheek.

“Hey! That's not fair! I didn’t know that was our New Years kiss?!”

Not even trying to hid his laughter anymore, he locks his arms around you and crushes you even closer to his chest despite your protests. 

“It’s not my fault a certain cutie decided to ditch me right before midnight, I was rushing to find you, you know!”

A teasing smile accompanies his words as you look away, you couldn't believe that most important part of the night had passed you by so quickly. You were used to fanfare, counting down with your family, texting your friends happy new year, fireworks popping off all around you and painting the streets in dazzling displays of colour as you finally get ready to pass out. Though you should have considered that celebrating on the private island that is your boyfriends home would mean that your usual cues would be missing. Huffing in embarrassment, you turn to look back into the house, noticing how everyone inside seems to have had their own countdown as they all laugh and clink their glasses. Feeling a bit guilty you press yourself closer to the man and hide your face. 

“I’m sorry I ruined your first New Years. The countdown is like, the best part…” “Well, I wouldn’t say that.”

Lifting one of his hands from your waist to cup your face, a blinding smile adorned his lips. Almost leaving you dazed enough to miss the way he leans in to kiss all the features on your face, placing them lovingly all over as he spins words of his adoration for only your ears.

“We could have done nothing at all today, and I still would feel like the happiest man in the world knowing that you were by my side.”

With a final kiss to your eyelids and a wipe of your cheeks, he leans his forehead on yours and closes his eyes, pure warmth radiating from his being as he continues to hold you as if you were the most important thing in his world, a performance so pure and sincere that you couldn’t help but believe it.

“If I were given the choice to live this entire year over again, I wouldn’t change a single thing if it meant that by the end of it I’d be here in your arms…”

🫧𓈒ㅤׂㅤ𓇼 ࣪ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ⭒ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ𓇼 ࣪ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ⭒ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ𓇼 ࣪ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ⭒ 𓇼 ⭒ㅤ𓈒ㅤׂ ⭒𓇼ㅤ𓈒 ⭒ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ𓇼 ࣪ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ⭒𓇼 ⭒ㅤ𓈒ㅤׂ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ𓇼 ࣪ ࣪ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ⭒ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ𓇼 ࣪ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ⭒ 𓇼 ⭒ㅤ𓈒ㅤׂ

A/N; He makes me so soft, and I feel like there isn't enough comfort fics with this man~~ Also Idk why his new years card made me feel so bitter sweet dude, But it gave us this so, there.

[dailyadventureprompts]

Thinking a lot about the d&discourse lately, how I've been chasing my ideal game since I was a kid and have largely resigned myself to running games so others can have a good time because I'm never going to have that experience as a player (isn't that the way of art?)

I don't really mind when people rag on d&d...I'm not some early 90s fanboy who sees attacks on his favourite corporate property as a personal insult...but it REALLY sucks to have d&d be the badguy dujour.

A lot of of is popularity, I know: more people are playing TTRPGS than ever and most of them are playing d&d so that makes d&d the target of (often jusified) critique. People with taste dislike the popular thing, same as it ever was.

That popularity puts me in a weird place...I've always wanted to play d&d and now there's more people playing it/wanting to play it than I could have ever hoped for. Part of me worries that if that popularity goes away I'm going to be stuck wanting to play d&d alone again.

I wish I could be hipster about it...fast forward to the point where there was some hot new thing going on in the hobby and I was in some OSR style design movement trying to recapture the feel of 5e-ish games but with a slick "modern" design sensibility. It'll probably happen sometime in my 50s when it's genalph's turn to be popular and lame.

[cityofmeliora]

kinda late but here is the Terzo childhood headcanons AKA new yorker Terzo post. for @plaquerat <3

ok so. i don't really have a solid interpretation of the lore, and my headcanons aren't very detailed. i'm open to floating a lot of different ideas. here are some that i like:

i've liked the idea that Terzo was primarily raised by his mother ever since i first saw the interview where TF (as nameless ghoul) suggests Terzo may be nicer than Secondo because "he seems to have, i dont know, a kinder mother?" and then i found the official instagram post mentioning Terzo's mother attending his concert in New York, and i was like 'oh! maybe she lives there. maybe Terzo used to live there with her.' it got me thinking...

Terzo was born in california and then moved to new york with his mom after she and Nihil split.

seeing the skyscrapers in new york for the first time was a really formative experience for him. that sense of awe he felt eventually inspired his interest in art deco and futurist art. new york became the base for his imaginary city of Meliora. (this is partly inspired by my own experience as a native californian because we don't really have tall buildings in california and i FREAKED OUT when i visited new york and chicago and saw REAL tall buildings.)

Terzo's mother was an artist and he spent a lot of time in the studio with her and her artist friends. their apartment walls were covered with Terzo's own art.

art and music and culture have always been at the center of Terzo's life. he and his mom would always be listening to music or viewing art galleries or watching movies together. i think Terzo's dynamic with his mother was very much like this anecdote from Carly Rae Jepsen:

My mom and I would sit and meticulously go through Leonard Cohen and Joni Mitchell lyrics together. Even from a young age I remember her being like, “I’m playing this Leonard Cohen song called ‘Famous Blue Raincoat,’ and when it’s done I want you to tell me what’s going on in it.” She would give me like a fake glass of wine when I was 8, and I would listen and be like, “I think there was an affair.” Pitchfork - Carly Rae Jepsen on the Music That Made Her (2019)

Terzo turned out to be a gifted child. super smart and naturally talented at a lot of things, but he particularly loved to build with lego / blocks and play piano.

Terzo had a great relationship with his mom. she always supported him and encouraged him to pursue his interests and to do his best.

Terzo missed his dad though. his parents had been together long enough for Terzo to remember him. he was just a kid. he didn't know any better.

when Ghost debuted and Nihil became an internationally famous one-hit wonder, Terzo developed this idealized image of Nihil as a cool rock star cultural icon in his head. idolized him a bit.

after this, Terzo decided he wanted to get serious about becoming an entertainer / musician. started doing piano recitals and competitions. youth theater. film club. all the things.

if anyone asked Terzo why he wanted to become an entertainer, he'd tell them it's because it's what he's good at. and he's always wanted to be famous. which was true, but...

what he wouldn't tell them is that a part of him was trying to emulate [his idea of] his dad and secretly hoping that if he shared that interest / became famous his dad would want come back into his life.

he knew his mom was always there supporting him, but every time he went onstage he would look out into the audience hoping his dad might be there to surprise him. (he never was.)

Nihil was the first of many many disappointments in Terzo's life.

oops! i made it sad.

anyway here's a doodle of kid Terzo getting a postcard from his dad... he didn't hear from his dad again for a very. very long time after that.

there are a lot of details i haven't square hammered out, but it's okay because these headcanons are mostly for me to like, frame Terzo's character development over time. might post more later :)

[zarla-s]

Man it's been a long time since I've done an ask cluster! Let's see if I can get some down...

He's an extremely fun character to write for and play with! So in that sense I'm fond of him, haha. He's such a huge disaster of a person, there's always something fun to do with him. Well "fun" in a relative sense.

I don't have anything to forgive him for, he didn't hurt me. |D He hurt the brothers!

I do have an idea for a cute feature inspired by Six-Eared Macaque! I should really sit down and do that already... and finish the one I half started but never finished...

I don't think my opinion on any of them changed! I love them all, haha. Which ones I drew comics about just depends on which ones I get ideas for really. Sometimes I get Alphys ideas and sometimes I get Goatparents ideas! Inspiration is fickle!

I don't have any solid plans or anything. :B Just gonna keep chugging along with silly comics and art! Work on Defrag and such. I'd like to finish a Ladyverse comic I've had lying around forever, and I had vague plans for doing a doujin for them too I could work on... and also seeing if I could format Handplates into a book format... I've always got a bunch of projects, haha.

It works on that level! It wasn't intentional though. |D

I do enjoy speculation! I don't really have much of my own though, I didn't predict anything in chapter 2 so now I'm assuming I can't predict anything in the future chapters either, haha.

Emesis Blue is great! Some really beautiful visuals in there, very striking! Love the mood of it too and a lot of the surreal imagery. I think it helped spur me back into TF2 again, haha. Medic and Scout's relationship was so cute.

I have thought about this! It has its share of challenges though... I outlined them more in this post. A pdf would be more doable though... could even include some extra stuff as well! Hmm...

I can see that! He'd probably spend as much time out in the rain as he could just doing whatever to stay outside.

It was pretty much always going to end like that. I always wanted it to end on a hopeful note! Which might seem weird with how dark it is at the beginning. I DID for a brief period at the very beginning of Handplates think about stopping with the Pacifist run, but that was only because I thought going where I wanted to go would take too long and already the project seemed so dauntingly huge at the time, haha. But it was always going to end in a positive way!

Gaster talks about what he originally intended to create here, and he explains a bit about the physical experiments he runs on the brothers here. They aren't really a solution in and of themselves so much as tools to try and find a way to break the barrier. Really though, Gaster got stuck in the sunk-cost fallacy lol.

I don't really have opinions about what canon Gaster would be like. |D Handplates Gaster is his own thing really. Canon Gaster, who knows! Deltarune Gaster, who knows! I will say I hope Gaster stays a mystery in Deltarune and never actually shows up but I think the odds of that are really low at this point.

I thought about doing a script along those lines! I did a few rough drafts of one, but it never really went anywhere... it'd end up dead-ending or kind of meandering off. I might see if I can get an actual script down for a side-comic or something in the future... it might be better suited for a fic.

I was just thinking about this lately! I was picturing Gaster totally forgetting about that until he sees Papyrus squinting and is like OH GOD YOUR EYES THAT'S RIGHT D: and goes to get him looked at lol.

I couldn't come up with a good idea for Flowey which is a shame, I do like him, haha. If one comes to me though I might make a little side comic about it!

Gaster's LV is complicated... his stats in-game are ludicrous if I recall correctly. Did he carry the damage from his murders into the void, even if those murders weren't his in the new timeline? Deep thoughts.

He fed them anything he could find, haha. Which is why sometimes they just ended up with chocolate bars (which he intended as dinner for himself). He probably fed them more often than he fed himself lol. He did feed them fairly regularly though.

Not about skeletons, probably. |D

Man I know I had an explanation for this but it was so long ago... it's hard for me to remember. It could be that the Riverperson is just weird and has weird insight into elements of things, had a prophetic dream... I don't know! It bugs me now that I can't remember this, haha.

[vitsa-didicoy]

Good evening, I was wondering if you had any good sources for people trying to learn/reconnect to Romani culture? I’ve been trying to learn more lately as my great grandmother left Europe during ww2 and was only allowed to keep her new children (in our current country, the one she fled to) if she didn’t tech them her language, religion or anything really (same with her new husband who was a refugee from another country). Wouldn’t even tell grandma what country she was from to narrow it down, but we recently found out about her eldest kid in Denmark. Would you know of any reputable resources I could access?? There’s a lot of bull shit floating around the internet and I’d hate to be misinformed

I'll start this by apologizing ahead of time for the length, as there is so much information that I feel is important when you are wanting to reconnect with Romani culture. Also, I'm not an expert and a didicoy myself. I do not have Romanipen and do not speak for all Romani. I am just someone who wants to help Roma and didicoy alike with their struggles.

First thing to understand is that Roma are not a monolith (obviously) and that our culture, religious practices, food, clothing, music, art, etc. all varies from vitsa to vitsa and even family to family. There are similarities of course, but never assume that just because one vitsa does one thing that means that its universal. A lot of gadje that try and write Romani characters get this wrong.

Some of our biggest similarities, though, are what keep us together across vitsas, especially our language, our oppression, and our Romanipen. Romanipen is a serious thing, often dictating whether you're "truly" Romani or a gadjo. Whether or not someone has Romanipen is based on whether they speak Romani Chib, were raised in a Romani community, follow Romani laws and traditions, know Romani history and oppression, etc. Because of the importance of Romanipen, some vitsas do not consider didicoy (Roma who were raised in gadjekane society and do not have Romanipen) as Roma and consider them to be gadje. This does not mean didicoy can never be accepted back, but it does mean that there is a lot of work that goes in to reconnecting with the culture.

So, where can you start? In my opinion the easiest way to start learning is through Florian Tacorian. He's Kalderash Romani and he talks about Romani culture, language, traditions, and oppression, including rating characters that represent Romani people in fiction. He's very digestible for gadje and didicoy to learn from. His YouTube channel is found here:

Once you feel comfortable with the info you learn from him, you can delve deeper by reading books about the Romani experience. Many Roma have written their experiences and history into published works (I'll link a list later in the post), but one that I've personally read from is Ian Hancock. He's Romanichal from Britain and he now teaches linguistics and other subjects at the University of Texas in Austin, TX.

Ian Hancock's works:

I suggest: We Are the Romani People and Pariah Syndrome

And here's a compiled list of Romani authors if ever you want to extend your knowledge to other experiences:

Furthermore, I truly believe that advocating for Romani Rights and learning from current events is half of learning about Roma as a whole. Our oppression is on-going with public opinion of Roma being wholly ignorant at best and vehemently hateful at worst. Reconnecting should also be spearheaded by a desire to uplift Romani voices and to advocate for equal rights. To be more educated on current Romani events, the European Roma Rights Centre is the best place for it.

European Roma Rights Centre:

Next, the most desired part of reconnecting I'd say, is learning Romani Chib. The reason you may not see easily accessible lessons for Romani Chib is because it is closed, meaning only Roma are allowed to learn it. This doesn't mean lessons for didicoy don't exist and there are resources available to learn Romani Chib. Personally, I'm learning American Kalderash from Ronald Lee's books. Even though I'm not Kalderash (at least to my current knowledge), it is still a useful dialect to learn, especially if you live in North America and want to converse with other American/Canadian Roma.

Keep this in mind, pretty much each vitsa has its own unique dialect and, based on the region, each dialect may have different loan words from the country that that vitsa resides in. Ronald Lee will not teach you how to speak every dialect, but, if you get the ground work in and talk to more and more people, you may be at least able to understand what someone from a different vitsa is saying using context clues and thus build your own vocabulary.

Link to Learn Romani by Ronald Lee:

Link to it's sister book, Romani Dictionary (English - Kalderash) by Ronald Lee:

Lastly for this section, community is a huge thing for Roma, it's the biggest thing that has kept us alive through being exiled, persecuted, enslaved, and assimilated completely in the over 1,000 years we've been out of India. It's also something that many didicoy have a big problem with, considering the points above on how hard it is for didicoy to be accepted by Roma. It's not impossible, nor is it hopeless however.

Some Roma will take pity on you because you didn't choose to be raised a gadjo, some Roma will see you as an aspect of racism and be defensive, some won't care and treat you on the basis of your character instead, and some will just ignore you. Again, Romani people are not a monolith and 10-12 million minds all with different lives will have incredibly varied opinions.

It is key to keep this mind and most importantly, to be neutral about this internally. You did not choose for your ancestors to undergo persecution, you did not choose to be raised in the dark about your heritage, and you did not choose to be born with mixed blood.

The best you can do when approaching the community is to be respectful, but engaged. As a didicoy you both can't be entitled to practice every aspect of the culture, but you also can't be too afraid to try what you're allowed to. If you are unsure of your place, ask. If you have a question about a practice, ask. If you are interested in aiding and actually being a cog in the community, you can also just ask. "No" is not a bad word and understanding why you're rejected if and when you are is a good mindset to have when you're trying to build trust in the community, too. On the flip side, if you are presented an opportunity to practice within the culture, take it. If there are Romani events in your area with an open invitation, visit and actually experience first-hand. Talk to people, tell them your intention and if you are genuine, you'll get farther than you might think.

As for online communities, I suggest starting with r/Romani on Reddit. There are a lot of posts from didicoy asking about where to start, like you. Read the comments on those posts and you'll see a lot of advice from Roma with all different experiences. And don't gravitate towards the advice that makes you feel good, just the advice that makes logical sense to you.

r/Romani:

Again I'm sorry that this is not only so long, but also that it took so long to get out. When answering these questions, I try to help with any aspect that I can, but I still want people to engage with the community themselves. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you find the answers you've been looking for.

We are all in this together. Te aves baxtalo 💙❤️💚

[voyeur-clairvoyant]

hey there! I'm not sure whether this has been asked before or not, but I thought I might give it a try nonetheless.

what are the main differences between the TdM system and the RWS one, if there are any, in your opinion?

I'm looking forward to writing a blog about it, so I'm trying to gather as much information from as many people as possible. thanks beforehand!

Hi there! Thank you for asking and GOD I hope I'm late because I've been thinking non-stoping about this for the last days just to give you a complete answer. You have no idea how happy I'm to contribute with some firewood to the good ol' war between decks hashahsa.

For me, the biggest difference between both decks and schools of thought is that the RWS Tarot can BARELY be considered a tarot deck (and this is not necessarily a bad thing).

It's a "tarot" in the same way that Taco Bell's "tacos" are tacos. Technically they are and I can't say anything about it but when you compare them with authentic tacos you realize there are enormous issues in their construction, their ingredients, their history and the culture around them.

They are perfectly """edible""".

Now, I'm the first to admit it, Pamela and Arthur's deck changed not only cartomancy but the perception of the entire world around it. Pamela's exquisite artistry and innovative idea of ​​illustrating the minor arcana made it BY FAR the most important tarot deck of all times. HONOR TO WHOM HONOR IS DUE. And as cartomants we owe respect to the deck (and its creators) for literally bringing cartomancy into modernity. It is directly responsible for the fact that we are discussing this topic today and for all the extraordinary artistic madness of hundreds and hundreds of new decks that are printed and designed.

HOWEVER. The deck has HUGE and unacceptable errors that split the modern study of tarot into two and a thousand pieces, but I have to give their case justice. Arthur Edward Waite and Pamela Colman Smith were members of the Golden Dawn and their plan was to create a tarot deck with the ritual, sacred and symbolic associations of the order.

Is it their fault that their niche deck escaped containment? Of course not. We are used to working with luck, it is our territory, so it's no surprise that the mass popularization of tarot (and this deck in particular) came with an equally destructive counterpart. I can't blame them, Geek culture (and fandom in general) has to live every day with the Horrors and Pleasures of seeing their niche content, intended for a few, be dismembered and multiplied in the hyper-globalized sphere of "normie" culture.

I'm in several tarot groups on Facebook and the question every day is: What is the best deck for beginners? And the truth is that I don't know what to answer.

I have read with both systems and right now, my little TdM is my tool par excellence. I admit that the "dry" art of the minor arcana and the deck in general is an acquired taste. There are such beautiful and impressive decks out there that I completely understand why not many decide to stick with the tarot world's equivalent of vanilla triple condom missionary sex (although this is an aesthetic issue that is being called into question with new decks).

What I don't understand is the conception that the Marseille tarot is more complicated than the RWS!

If the TdM school is characterized (or could be characterized, I curse you Jodorowsky!) by austerity and lack of expressiveness, the RWS school is characterized by paranoia and the pseudo-complexity of symbols and structures.

By "paranoia" I mean the obssesive search for hidden meanings or mystical secrets and messages. Usually where there are none.

Reading with an RWS deck for the first time is a horrible experience and we are very much to blame for scaring away beginner readers. Assuming that you have survived the countless myths that all decks carry (it must be a gift, it's satanic, don't read on Sunday) you realize that you don't know how to read it. Each of the 78 cards has a different scene and all of them are full of symbols. What do the pomegranates on the High Priestess' veil mean? What the fuck is a High Priestess? Why do some cards have names and others don't??? It is an aggressive sea of ​​information that ends up drowning anyone.

But that is not all! Now comes the plot twist and it turns out that not only you have to learn 78 meanings (in equally confusing websites or books) but that each card has a different meaning in reverse. 156 cards in total, each with a series of extensive meanings for love, family, work, money, health, etc. And as if that weren't enough, the spreads look like this:

Where each of the positions has an extra layer of meaning. This is not a specific problem of the RWS but we have long since passed that point, we only have to manage the disaster that its globalization carried.

The big problem with RWS and its school of thought is that in the process of making a more intuitive tool, it became a creature that feeds on the paranoia of its readers. It is an excellent deck to spread on the table and read lightly: The faces and situation of the characters are clear, the art is friendly and reading is easy. A 10 of swords is an obvious image of failure and pain, the 3 of cups inspires joy and suggests party and friends. It is a tool that fuses the allegorical advantages of a classic tarot deck with the everyday fluidity of a sibyl or an oracle. It has nothing to envy an Italian Sibyl or a Kipper deck.

It is human, intuitive and beautiful.

The problem comes when we want to extract more of it. Being a ritual deck, it is impregnated from top to bottom with numerological, astrological, Hebrew, Egyptian, etc. associations of magic and occultism derived from the not very convincing knowledge of the GOLDEN DAWN. It was not intended to be a deck for common and mundane divination use.

The average casual cartomancer knows the meanings of the cards because they read them on a website (and hopefully in a book/video). Most people don't know who Pixie or Arthur Waite is and probably haven't read any of their original texts. What's worse, there's a good chance you're not a member of the Golden Dawn and you also don't know that previous decks exist. All those symbols and associations that served an original purpose become a mental burden when reading with it.

What good does it do me to know that the coins in the 10 of coins represent the Tree of Life or that the Magician transfers the energies of the High to the Low, alluding to one of the magical premises of the Tabula Smaragdina ("As above, so below") when what I want to know IS IF MY EX WOULD GET BACK TO ME???

A lot of information but useless information. And that's still the best case scenario. At worst…

The incomplete fusion of poorly understood mystical allusions, an intuitive deck loosely anchored in classical cartomancy and the whitewashed psychology of the New Age in search of alternative therapies gave birth to a monster: EVOLUTIONARY TAROT. (But that's another story. The evolutionary tarot isn't really bad in its conception, but the road to Hell is paved in good intentions ahhasha. I have already a post about it).

If the RWS school got rid of the complicated spreads, the reversed cards, the useless lists of meanings, the obsession with symbols and FOCUSED on Pixie's illustrations and read Arthur's original texts it would be easier to use its tool without losing their marbles in the process, but that is going against the current and not analyzing the existing reality.

By illustrating the minor arcana, the deck became more friendly but in exchange it lost the hierarchy of the major arcana. In the image there are 3 major and 3 minor arcana, but visually they have the same weight and therefore, the same relevance when this SHOULD NOT HAPPEN. The Sun cannot be on the same level as a 10 of Swords no matter how bloody the card is.

Another situation: Let's focus on the Wheel card. I already made a post about it that you can find on my blog, but in summary there is a HUGE difference between this arcane in the RWS and the TdM. Which is saying a lot when the TdM's Wheel is itself extremely defective.

If the RWS tarot does not respect the hierarchy of the arcana, many of them are "badly" represented, or at least incomplete without the contribution of Arthur and the Golden Dawn, it does not have a divinatory purpose and illustrates its minor arcana based on external sources such as Etteilla, numerology, astrology, etc… CAN WE CONTINUE CONSIDERING IT A TAROT?

I suspect not and this is not a bad thing. On the contrary, it has an extraordinary place as a multipurpose oracle that could be developed more freely without the pretension of wanting to be (without actually being) a tarot deck.

And yet, the Marseille tarot is the one that has the reputation of being MOST COMPLICATED!!!???

As I said before, honor to whom honor is due and therefore, dishonor to whom dishonor is deserved ahsahsa. Alejandro Jodorowsky did an enormous job to popularize the TdM deck but he missed a VERY SMALL detail like other important tarot figures such as Papus and Eliphas Levi:

The PARANOIA.

I love you friends, but if I hear someone say again that the Tarot of Marseille holds mystical secrets in its geometry, I'm gonna kill someone ahsahsa. ENOUGH, for mercy's sake! Many beginners infected with the mystical paranoia of the RWS come to the classic decks with the same perception of hermetic and conspiratorial symbology, which is fueled by the LITERAL search for easter eggs and hidden meanings popularized by the aforementioned characters. Sometimes two cups are TWO CUPS and 3 swords are THREE SWORDS. There are no secret codes involved but who seeks finds and sooner or later you will end up paying more attention to the leaves on the decorations or the color of the shoes than to the FUCKING CARD ITSELF.

This manifests, for example, in another of the major problems that both systems share:

CUPS ≠ WATER WANDS/BATONS ≠ FIRE COINS ≠ EARTH SWORDS ≠ AIR

REPEAT AFTER ME: SUITS ARE NOT ELEMENTS.

Many readers tend to automatically replace the objects in the cards with the later elemental associations. When we see 6 swords in a classic deck, we are not talking about air, MUCH LESS about the meaning that Etteilla or Arthur Waite gave to the card. 6 swords are more swords than you want your enemy to have and since they are swords and not AIR, their function is simply to cause you a lot of damage and pain. Bad omen.

THERE IS NO MYSTERY.

We can add another layer of information, helped by numerology and adjacent cards, but we must never lose sight of the SUPERIOR hierarchy of this obvious and clear message in favor of DETAILS such as the ornaments and the distribution of the swords on the card.

The biggest danger of the RWS system is being overloaded with useless information and ridiculously complicated systems. The biggest danger of the TdM system is not seeing the MESSAGE by focusing too much on absurd details.

The Marseille tarot has MANY flaws as it is a poor copy of Italian decks. Curiously, its situation is almost identical to that of the RWS. By reaching a globalized impression in Europe, the forgivable mistakes of a niche deck spread far and wide. Even so, it preserves the characteristic simplicity of classic decks: You can perfectly distinguish a major arcana from the rest and give it the place it deserves in a reading. The allegories have errors but they maintain a clear and understandable representation for the most part (I also have a post about it).

Many TdM readers do not use inverted cards and free reading on tableaus and strings are the favorite. If we ignore the symbolic paranoia of various authors, focus on the cards in front of us and their allegorical meanings, we have a VERY EASY TO READ tool. It is not as comfortable or friendly as a RWS but it is definitely more free and concrete. Less noise, less chaos. Straight to the point.

I'm not going to lie to you either, anyone who has used a TdM knows that no matter how skilled the reader is, the deck cannot be compared to a sibilla or the RWS when the topic is everyday and mundane divination. It is a dry, direct deck, but little theatrical or gossipy compared to other decks. In the same way, if we ask a sibyl complex and imaginative questions we will have the same result as if we asked the vegetable seller at the market.

Much of the debate comes down to knowing what your need is and your appropriate tool.

In conclusion:

I think the RWS system is unnecessarily complicated, which undermines its great advantage: Being able to read the deck intuitively without having to study it. I think that if it completely abandoned its desire to be a tarot and became an independent deck of illustrations, it would be an exquisite oracle.

The TdM is not the sharpest knife in the arsenal of classic decks, but it is a very easy tarot deck to learn and use if we ignore the symbolic paranoia and limiting meanings of some authors. It is (like all classic decks) a deck with the limitations of tarot, so instead of forcing it to answer all the questions, sometimes it is better to know when to use another oracle.

[38sr]

Hi Lee Cree!! I love your animations and I'm a big fan of styled Art and animations. I wanted to ask you how did you develop your art style, what brushes do you use, and did you go to an animation school!

Hello Night! Thank you so much for your support! As for your questions, Imma go backwards haha.

No, I didn't go to an animation school but a private fine arts college in Massachusetts. They did have an animation program but it was so new (4 years old) that it didn't have any real resources for me. So I ended up teaching myself how to animate the way I like.

Second, brushes. I've already answered the brush question in a previous ask . Though I will be honest in that I haven't really been using these brushes lately since I am a fickle being haha. But in all seriousness, I'm very much a default brush tool gal 'cause I don't really believe in a "brush tool that will make me draw better." By no means is this targeted towards you, Night, but I want people who are reading this to understand knowing an artist's specific brush tool and settings won't suddenly make your art change. You still have to learn how to use that tool in a way that works for yourself. For myself, I don't need fancy settings and effects. I'm the type of artist that will take a Crayola marker over a Copic marker because I just need something that works and will bend it to my liking. But as of right now, I've been using the default G-pen tool in Clip Studio with default settings (7-10px) 'cause I just like how it looks. I'm sure it'll change again but my point is that please don't get too fixated on what brushes I use because it's not as fancy as you think it is. ^^; Last one, style. So lemme let you in on a secret, Night: I don't really have a style haha. This is such a hard topic for me to explain because I....don't really care about "style" but rather I look for how artists execute certain things in art. I'm just good at breaking down someone's style and figuring out how they execute foundational drawing cornerstones. For example, Tite Kubo (Bleach) draws the lower of the face longer (which gives a more angular, mature look) as opposed to Furudate (Haikyuu) who draws the lower portion of face shorter than real life (which make the style read more youthful). This is something I learned during my time in art school since I mostly took fine arts classes. We often spent a lot of time dissecting other artists work and trying to replicate it. So, I approach my work in the sense where one day I'll go, "I'm gonna draw the eyes like Christie Tseng" but then the next day I'll go, "What if I drew the eyes like Mitsuru Adachi?" My "style" thrives off of learning the visual cues of artists and seeing if I can replicate it. And once I do, I adjust it to fit my sensibilities so I can add it to my arsenal of "styles" haha. And, if you've noticed that's how I'm able to switch up my drawing between shows like My Adventures with Superman and One Piece. And at the end of the day, what y'all are seeing is an accumulation of years of analyzing, deconstructing and reconstructing techniques from artists I really admire and trying to mix them together into something that feels uniquely me. And it's always changing. I think a lot of emerging artists can fall into the worry of not having a "distinct visual style" and in my art journey that visual style is just a result of practice, experience and experimentation. Of course, y'all can probably tell I'm super influenced by anime but outside of anime I'm also inspired by western artists (like Manet and Degas). I guess what I'm trying to say is that when it came to developing my "style" I gave up of being a "stand out" which was very freeing for me back in college. It allowed me to study artists outside of my field and experiment with their techniques to create my own unique hodgepodge you see today.

[evileyedoll]

LOST LOST really is 2023's theme for me. I spent most of this past year on my PhD project, so my output has been quite scarce overall - certainly so compared to the industriousness of years past. When I had chances to draw this year it was often like a gasp of air amidst a sea of my other efforts. "What's the next step forward?" I think at times. Consider the center drawing my face of course, because in real life I look like if cannonbolt was a sad refridgerator.

I started a new physical sketchbook and made some breakthroughs in my personal illustrations, but nothing I'm happy to share - in previous years I didn't have as much nervousness to experiment in public. Anyway this feels like a good opportunity to do a bit of a retrospective on the last ones of these I did.

In many ways 2022 was the best year of my work, I both did my most challenging (and correspondingly complex) pieces this year, and had the confidence to make several things a week. Past the initial few months I had really started to hone my mix of solid shapes, lineart and linelessness thats ubiquitous in my pieces now, though I wonder if I have grown too comfortable with the stability of a partial formula.

One disadvantage about only choosing nine pieces was that in wanting them to look good together I had to exclude a series of the coloured background pieces that interspersed the dark background ones. In those, I felt like a lot more of my effort went into the shape language, so there was a synergy with both approaches letting me understand things.

In 2021 I started using colours instead of grayscale, that years inktober could almost be said to be my best work, there was both a variety and scale to it..I drew something virtually every day for almost three or four months straight and crucially, I also shared it all after I was done. It really felt worth it planning art ahead, but also spontaneously filling the blanks it in the moment. That being said maybe that productiveness was not sustainable because I'd have very little time for much else after school, work and art.

Late in that year I realised I could just draw the things I like if I wanted, instead of the things I thought people wanted - so some of the later pieces really resembled discount warframes. That game has so deeply hooked itself into my visual library that I draw it even when I'm not intending to, and so when I started deliberately trying to evoke it (with very fledgling art analysis skills), I think I got more and more familiar with what I wanted.

In 2020 I was just starting out so I did not yet recognise there was something specific to aspire to - I dont have a retrospective montage like these other years for 2020. You can see virtually every piece I've ever uploaded on my instagram page, so I think I might not narrate as much about those in this post. Maybe in the future I'll review all these years through a completely different lens.

[finchwingart]

Hi Finch! Hope you're doing well! I was wondering, since you work in animation, do you still consume art & animation content with same interest and enjoyment as before? Like, in school, for example. And do you have time and interest for it in the first place? Simply put, is it still good to be in this industry where you have to watch cartoons (I mean, probably you should know what's new coming up etc.), see what other people doing in art and their careers to keep abreast and not because you sincerely interest in it. Sorry if the question is somehow too sad haha

Why asking: I'm trying to figure out what to do for living. I grew up online, I love the art community here and I love my online life, if that make sense. I'm 23 and work at aquarium store, we have fish and reptiles here and I see how my coworkers passionate about this sphere: they keep a bunch of terrariums, they know a lot about reptiles, how to build good aquascape ect. But I'm starting to understand that this is not what I'd like to be around all the time, like, I consume a lot of related content and don't have much time to look up for news in animation or just what my friends have drawn lately. So I've been thinking, maybe if I go back in something close to my habitual online life I'd be more satisfy.. so I'm just interested in your thoughts and experience. Sorry if it's too much haha Thank you so much in advance!! Have a wonderful day!

Yea I definitely still enjoy consuming art/animation! It's the best thing about the job tbh. It's nice to feel excited and inspired by anything new and awesome the industry releases, and what your friends and colleagues are getting on with. My absolute favourite part of being an animator is attending events, like Annecy festival for eg, and really feeling like a part of the magic.

I feel like this year especially felt like that for me, because so many inspiring things came out for me this year. Really feels like new and creative projects are being made, even by the bigwigs, n in the age of AI that's especially hopeful

I will say though, ofc it's different for everyone, but tbh I've found that, for me and my friends, we do kinda wish we didn't make our hobby our career. I still enjoy animation, but now it's a Job, and something I have to do 40+ hours a week, and it's hard to do anything for that length of time and still enjoy it fully yknow.

I enjoy it in the sense that I'm proud to be a part of this industry that has so many awesome artists and people in it, who all try so hard and really believe in something. It's easy to feel like you aren't making a difference and that life is mundane, with any job, but when there are big milestones in the community, or you attend an animation festival and meet everyone else just trying to make good work like you, it's nice and fulfilling.

Idk, I feel like any job can become a slog, but I keep thinking at least mine's a cool one that people think is impressive LOL

[weaselandfriends]

in your opinion do there exist any ambitious fiction writers active today with interesting/good prose? other than you ofc :). re: your recent post i'm trying to think of plausibly ""great"" recent novels and there's i guess. the pale king (dfw [dead] 2011), middle c (gass [dead] 2013), against the day (pynchon [dead, for all we know] 2006). i think in the past few years the only long-form fiction i've been reading is yours which is yknow a deeply embarrassing thing to admit

by the way speaking of dfw have you noticed how modern cannibals (bavitz 2017) is like westward the course of empire takes its way (dfw [dead] 1989) in that theyre both antimetafictional(??) road trip stories written about (in response to? in the margins of...) another metafictional work (homestuck [hussie 2016], lost in the funhouse [barth (dead[!]) 1968]) and then the author of said other metafiction shows up as a character at the end of the road trip. which i think is a neat connection but maybe doesn't mean anything. oh i suppose dfw is namedropped in modern cannibals as well ("David Foster Wallace killed himself, you should consider it too" :/) anyways i don't think i ever bought into the whole new sincerity thing, i think it's basically fine to just dick around with cute formal experiments forever, masturbate fearlessly to death as you say, as the main character of デデデデdestruction says, i forget her name. idk if you'd agree. you seem to write a lot of characters who try to pose an alternative and then end up not getting what they want.

It's a dire state, I'd say. Anything past the 2666 cutoff that I'd even entertain as possibly of interest was written by an ancient author at the end of their career, like the late works of Pynchon or McCarthy (or Pale King, as you mentioned). Authors who became big at a time when literature still had cultural reach and simply persisted into a time when it no longer did.

Even ignoring the question of great prose, what works since 2666 have even been culturally notable, penetrating a broader cultural awareness and enduring even the brief span of time since their publication until now? The Road? Knausgaard's Struggle? Are there any other candidates? Even if we extend this question to just pop culture, after publishers went all in on the YA model, the stream of books that reached phenomenon level dried up in the early 10s after Twilight and Hunger Games. Has anything been written in the past decade to suggest literature isn't a culturally moribund art form in the anglosphere?

It's a meme that people always think art is worse today than it used to be, but with film, no matter how many slop Marvel movies there are, you can point to great, ambitious, culturally-penetrating films that came out recently: Parasite, Everything Everywhere All at Once, Oppenheimer, etc. Video games? AAA might be in a death spiral (and even there, you get stuff like Mario Odyssey or God of War) but there's some new adored indie game every year. Music? It might vary genre to genre, but there are songs coming out today, artists active today, that will be remembered 30 years from now. Can you really say that about any book from the past 10 years? How many books written in the past 10 years do you think the average person could even name? Maybe I'm overly pessimistic. Do keep in mind I'm someone who mostly reads literature written by dead people. My perspective might be skewed.

If I did have to point to anyone writing recently who might be worth reading - and I wouldn't call either of these authors great, just worth reading - I'd point to Marlon James (Brief History of Seven Killings) and Ottessa Moshfegh (My Year of Rest and Relaxation). These are mild endorsements.

There's more interesting stuff being written online, authors who show promise. Nostalgebraist is the first I'd point to, a lot of sharp ideas and with every work he seems to be figuring out his game more and more. He also has some impressive prose passages, which are usually missing from even the ambitious and thematically interesting web fiction I've read. Almost Nowhere was particularly good, I wrote an essay on it somewhere in this blog. I've been really impressed by Farnham's Questing Beast in terms of prose. Most of the other webfic I'd recommend would be more for its ideas and thematic ambition than its prose. For instance, I love Alexander Wales' Worth the Candle (unfortunately stubbed recently for an actual publication), but I would describe its prose as Sandersonian.

Regarding Westward, I've actually only read DFW's long fiction - Broom, Infinite Jest, and Pale King. Long fiction is certainly my interest, I'm not overly fond of short stories, especially not in the contemporary milieu of disposable entertainment and brief, gimmicky, unambitious literary fiction.