#I've been even busier over these past almost two weeks.

[hoxooster]

THANK YOU SO MUCH for the very great answer i will cherish it forever (and probably be back next week with another idea/question/whatever that has basically nothing to do with this one)

Now this probably doesn't have much to do with wolfie but more with me trying to approach plot holes

Because I've been, let's say, mentally sketching, on what could be wolf's daughter. What I can't really wrap my head around, though, is how she would be able to actually find him. Yeah, the payday gang is basically known all over the world and all that, but how would she _find_ him??? Find as in able to actually confront the guy? i will basically throw all the ideas i currently have at you, please wear your seatbelt

Seriously help me because I honestly don't know how she would find him, let alone meet him, which literally is the main fucking plot point :(

Worlds biggest sidenote and one of my main concerns: Did wolf commit crimes and shit in sweden too? What did he do? (No, illegal parking doesn't count because it is fucking impossible to park correctly in stockholm)

OOOOOOOORRRRR this stuff i'm writing could take place in pd3??? Or like what the game currently is in? (Downtime between the games) So the gang is back together in new york and all that but not yet heisting? Ok i just realized how heavily dependent my idea is on Bain so that went down the drain. (nice rhyme) (how would she even know they are in new york) (this idea is swiss cheese due to plot holes)

Maybe he goes to Kiruna after the secret ending? To the cabin. It's far from Stockholm, so accidentally running into his family at the grocery store wouldn't happen. UNLESS his wife went to court after he left the country, got protected identity, and now lives untraceable somewhere in sweden with the kids? And some shit like this goes down with wolfie?? Okay at this point i feel kinda bad for you for having to try and keep up with my train of thought.

tl;dr - i have questions for you.

How could wolf's daughter possibly find him so she could confront him? Going to random banks and hope the payday gang decides to rob them while she's there seems a bit.. inefficient.

Did Wolf commit crimes in Sweden as well? If so, what do you think?

Do you think he would go back to Kiruna after the secret ending?

Bonus: do you think his wife ever gets courage to find someone new after the shitshow with wolf?

Don't feel pressured to answer it all if you don't feel like it. Take care, I appreciate you a lot <3

Alrighty then, let's get into it.

Like I said before, it depends on what set up you have for their past.

If she doesn't know, then why would she know about him heisting now? Even if they saw reports on the TV that showed his picture--which I doubt, because the only heisters that get talked about on the news in other countries are ones who also commit crimes in their countries, as far as I am aware--it's been years since they've seen him. We don't know what Wolf looked like before he started heisting. I mean, we can just use older pictures of Ulf as a base if we really want to, and it's probably the best and only option that we've really got, when you think about it. This was Ulf when he was 21ish:

Baby-man. Anyway, if he looked like this before he left them, then why would they recognize him from his police sketches now?

If she does know, then why in the hell would she even want to confront him? Say that she knows about what he did before he left and has heard about him on the news. Why in the ever-living FUCK would she want to confront a known cop and hostage-killer?

Here, as an example, I'll give you a lil' backstory on my parents. My father is a narcissist and a psychopath--I've mentioned this on here a few times--and he gets violent and abusive VERY QUICKLY when he has to deal with anything he 'doesn't like'. When my mom told him that she wanted a divorce, he got a hammer, went into the backyard, and brutally murdered one of their dogs so they 'wouldn't have something else to fight over in court.' My mom still remembers the groans that dog made as she tried to quickly get me and book it out of there before he could hurt us too.

Now, like I said in my previous answer:

So, after seeing him lose his shit more than a few times when she was a kid, having him disappear from her life, then show up in police sketches on the news where he's referred to as a robber and murderer... Yeah, I don't think that she'd want to be around him. She'd probably start running as soon as she saw his face, to be honest.

So, in my opinion for your story, you should go with that she doesn't know about his old and new heisting life. It just makes it so much more believable that she would actually want to meet up with him and ask "What gives? Why did you leave?"

As for how they would meet, you have a bunch of options. Wolf used to be a programmer as his day-job in his old life and he's very intelligent. Sometimes, kids will follow in their parents' footsteps for careers they want to go into. Failing that, Wolf's kids're most likely wicked smart too. So, you can always go for an exchange student or 'goes to college in America' type of deal, if you want them to meet up accidentally. It can even be during a heist, if you want extra ✨drama✨ for the whole thing. Or, like you said, they can meet-up accidentally (or maybe even intentionally) in Sweden during one of his visits.

If you want them to meet intentionally, then I would recommend that you look up videos and articles and whatnot people have posted about their own experiences with tracking down a family member. Use those to get your inspiration for what you want to do with them, 'cause I'm not a good source for this. The only reason why I met up with my father again while I was in my early teens was due to a lie his then-wife sent my ma in an email. She said that 'he wanted to reconnect with me', when it turned out that she was forcing the meet-up to try and drag me to a wedding for a step-brother that I hate and am afraid of for some reason. So...

As for committing crimes in Sweden, I already half-answered that question last time.

Considering how he was alone at the time, he probably started out by robbing small stores and businesses. Maybe even smaller banks. You can actually find videos of former bank robbers who worked alone and hear about the methods they used. I personally like this video the most, as he looks at and breaks down film-based robberies from his own perspective. After that, since his company went under due to another company, he might have tried robbing them. Maybe this score was even what put Wolf on Bain's radar. Who knows?

Wolf visits his cabin in Kiruna at least once a year.

This is mostly in reference to the fact that the real-life Ulf Andersson left OVERKILL and made his own studio and game, but the first sentence is still relevant. So, he probably went there and set up shop, yeah.

Bonus round for the ex-wife: It's possible. I don't see why she would avoid relationships, unless she personally wanted to. 'Cause their divorce wasn't based on a 'he's a man and I believe that all men are pigs now because of what happened' issue, it happened due to a 'he had a mental breakdown and he isn't safe anymore' issue. My ma had plenty of boyfriends when I was growing up--not that I met many of them, because my ma wanted to keep me and our homes/apartments safe. She also remarried in 2009 to my step-dad, so Wolf's ex-wife could either be alone, in a relationship, or married to someone else. It has been ~7-8 years, after all. Shit happens.

[daughterofcain-67]

🅦hαt 🅞ncє 🅦αs 🅜ínє

(Dean Winchester x Reader)

(Part 2) (Part 3)

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: You and Dean have been close for the past couple of years but you have hunting with them for the past few. You notice that he has seemed off when he came back from Purgatory and all you wanted to do was help. After an argument breaks out- you leave for about a year with a secret you can’t afford to tell.

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: some spoilers - some may be MAJOR spoilers, read at your own risk (seasons 6-8, I believe: MAY NOT BE ACCURATE), a brief mention of a night of intimacy but no graphic detail. This story does not follow along with any specific episode

Your heart raced with adrenaline from the last hunt you were on with the Winchester brothers. It was a tough one too and it didn't help that you had been worried about Dean the entire time. You had been with the Winchesters for the past three years. However, there was a shift between the two of you ever since he came back from Purgatory.

You noticed that he had become lost in a way - especially since Cass was gone. You knew that Purgatory was almost like a Hell for Dean since he seemed to feel a sort of guilt. But he wouldn't talk to you about it and you couldn't read his mind. You felt like you were drifting apart.

You remembered the night that Dean finally came back. You knew that Sam had moved on and tried to make a life for himself. But you couldn't move on so easily. You knew at the time he had just moved on from Lisa, then the job got busier and busier with the Leviathan. Then the next thing you knew he was in Purgatory for so long and you never got to tell him how you truly felt.

At least, not until the night that he finally came back.

You remembered the way he looked all roughed up after he came back. How handsome he was, but maybe it was just because you were just so glad that he was back. One thing lead to another and you ended up spending a passionate night together and it was a night you could never forget.

Even if at this moment you were trying so hard not to, especially considering the current circumstances you were in personally. For the past several weeks you were carrying Dean's child. You didn't know how to tell him and a part of you knew he couldn't handle it with everything going on.

"Dean, what the hell is going on with you? I know you went through a lot of crap in Purgatory, and I know you must be missing Cass a hell of a lot right now. We all do! But if you can't get your head on straight or at least talk to somebody, you might end up getting yourself killed one day because you can't focus!" You tried your best to explain.

"Don't act like you know how the hell I handle what's in my head, Y/N." He stated with a growl. "You don't know half the shit I've been through. You weren't there when I was in Hell. You weren't there when Lucifer took over Sam's mind. I know what I'm doing so why don't you stay the hell out of it!?"

"I can't stay out of it because I care about you! Sam cares about you! You know if Cass were here, he'd-"

"Don't you dare bring him up. You know, I should have just listened to Sam when you first came onto the scene." He said and rolled his eyes before he poured himself another glass of whisky.

"Listened to Sam? What was it that he said? Dean, what are you saying?"

"I'm saying you're nothing but a liability! You do nothing but get in the way! We should have never brought you on that very first hunt!" His words broke you to pieces. How long had he felt this way towards you? And everything you went through, did all of this mean nothing to him? You had done your best to be there for him and he just thought you were in the way the whole time?

You saw the instant regret on Dean's face after he said what he did but it was too late. You looked away from him and your eyes started to burn with tears that were starting to form

"Y/N, wait, I didn't mean-"

"Forget it, Dean. You want me gone, then I'll leave. I won't be in your way. You want to self destruct, fine. You have Sam to worry about you."

Then you packed your bags and left.

*************************************************

All of that happened about a year ago.

For a year you went through a pregnancy and a birth alone. You didn't have all of the answers. You didn't know how the hell you were supposed to take care of your little girl on your own. But you were doing everything you could by taking it one day at a time. That was all you could really do at this point.

Throughout the pregnancy you were working at a Walgreen's and you were living in a small apartment and trying your best to get by. You were doing well for the most part though. Better than living on the road and hopping from one hotel room to another.

Luckily, tonight you were able to have your day off. So you spent your time with your beloved daughter, Y/C/N. She had Dean's forest-green eyes and your hair color. She was only about three months old but you wanted to protect her from everything that was out there, especially since you knew what dangers were out there. If any demon, angel or monster found out there was a little Winchester- who knew what kind of horror would be after the last piece of Dean you had.

Once you had finished giving your baby girl her bath and gotten her dress on, you noticed some lights flickering in the room. That was instantly a red flag in your mind. Of course you knew all the ins and outs of hunting and keeping your home safe because of your experience with the Winchesters. And there were some occasions when it really was just a blown fuse and there was no sulfur left behind. But you were always cautious, and understandably so.

You held the baby close as you went to your room and you watched as the lights started to flicker again. You took the can of salt on your dresser and used your free hand to open it up and you put it on your windowsills, beneath the door, anywhere to prevent demons from coming in. And even if they did, you had a rug in front of your bedroom door that had a devil's trap beneath it so it wouldn't get to you or your daughter.

Suddenly, you hear your apartment door bust open and you start hearing all kinds of commotion like a fight was happening only for a demonic cry to be heard. You covered Y/C/N's ears and held onto her and you wondered what the hell was happening out there. Soon, though, you started hearing voices.

"I think that's all of them. Let's get back so I can be ready for work at the station by Monday." Was that Jodi? What are was she doing all the way out here.

"We have to see if she's here though. Who knows what can be out there looking for her." That sounded like Castiel. When did he come back? How did he come back!? Your mind was swirling with so many questions.

You slowly got out of the bed and walked over to the door. When you opened it you saw Cass and Jodi look towards your direction and you watched Jodi's eyes light up and a smile showed on her face.

"Y/N! You're safe! It's so good to see you." She said as she walked over and that was when she saw your little bundle of joy in your arms, "And who's this precious thing?"

"Jodi, Cass! It's really good to see you guys! This is Y/C/N. She's mu daughter." You introduced.

"Daughter? When did that happen? Do you have a boyfriend here?" Jodi began to ask and you shook your head at the last question.

"No boyfriend, and I found out about a year ago, and Half Pint here is three months. I've just been here trying to lay low so nothing finds us." You explained and you could feel the angel's gaze. When you glanced over, you knew he could tell what happened. And who knew what Dean told him when he came back. If he even went to Dean that is.

"Does Dean know?" It was an inevitable, and reasonable, question that you knew was bound to come up from Castiel. He knew of your feelings for the older brother, and he knew there seemed to be something unspoken between you two for a while before he went to Purgatory. Other than that, you didn't know if Dean filled him in on anything else.

"I didn't get the chance to tell him. I left after a fight we had. Something about how he shouldn't have let me tag along on the first hunt." You felt a soft hand on your shoulder and knew that it was Jodi.

"Why don't you both come and stay with me? It'll be a lot safer that way and at least you won't be on your own. Plus you wouldn't have to worry so much about monsters coming in without backup." The sheriff said and motioned to the salt on the windowsills.

You thought about it for a few moments and looked down at your daughter who was rubbing her eyes like she was tired. You had to think of what was best for her. You knew she didn't need a mom who was stretched thin with work then having to worry about hunting. It would be great to have the help. No one said that being a single mom was easy.

"Yeah, that would be great, Jodi. I appreciate it." You nodded

~

So much had been going on since you've left and it was like Sam and Dean couldn't get a rest. After Kevin took a Word of God from Crowley and have him translate the tablets to Sam having to complete certain trials that Dean knew he shouldn't be doing anyway. And that was the current thing on the Winchesters' agenda.

Too much has been going on and Dean was already getting so tired of all of it. There seemed to be no end to it but he knew he had to stay determined through all of it at least for his brother's sake. He's pretty much left behind the idea of retiring from this gig. He tried that once and of course the Apple Pie life fell through for him.

What sucks about it is that Dean didn't have you in his back corner anymore. You weren't there to be his 'new eyes' on a situation or bring some kind of positive to a situation. You weren't there to have little drinking competitions with him, remark on crappy television with him, you weren't there to take his mind off this job he was raised in.

And pushing you away was another item on his never-ending list of regret.

But of course, with all of the things he had on his plate and having to save the world yet again, he couldn't exactly showed just how much he had been thinking about you even if you've never left Dean's mind. And Sam knew it too.

Dean was sitting at one of the tables in the Bunker since that's where he and Sam have been living. He knew if you were here you'd probably make it a little more home-y. Lately he had been focusing on the trials that Sam had to face. He passed the first one but he knew this was going to take a toll on Sam. If he could trade places than he would, but Sam could be just as stubborn as Dean sometimes.

Dean looked over at the bottle of whisky before he picked it up and poured himself another glass before he opened up his laptop to do some research outside of these books. The first trial that Sam completes was bathe in hell hound blood. The next one was saving a soul from Hell. The final was to cure a demon and that would be a whole other ball game when the time came up. One thing at a time. He wasn't sure how his brother was supposed to do the next trial but he knew that Cass said Sam's health would decrease almost at a subatomic level.

While Dean was deep in his thoughts of this trial business, his phone started to ring unexpectedly.

Dean glanced over at his phone and saw Jodi's name and picture show up on his screen. An odd surprise since it's been a while since he had heard from her but he picked up the phone wondering if something was wrong and she needed some kind of help.

"Jodi? What's up?" He asked and took a sip of his whisky before setting the glass down on the table.

"Dean? It's Y/N... we need to talk."

Thank you all for reading!

This is my 1st mini series for Dean Winchester so thank you for taking am interest in reading this! If you liked this little story please feel free to comment or like it! Especially if you’d like to see a second part to this story to see if the reader will tell Dean about their daughter in the midst of what’s going on. 🖤

Tag List:

@chriszgirl92 @wildernessflora

[thatfreshi]

Radio Silent (Uni AU P. 10)

tw - mentions of abuse, themes of anxiety, general insecurity

The night fizzles out the way you expect it to, disappearing without a word to your friends in the diner, letting your new, yet reluctant friend, drive you home. You'd simply deal with Shadowheart when she got back to the dorm.

Just as Astarion said, he's gone the next morning, but the two of you text quite often. He finds it easier to talk to you through pixels on a screen, where he can pretend like you're not this very real person who knows far too much about him. On the plane ride to LA, he doesn't sleep, which isn't odd for him. Instead, he thinks about the past couple of days and how you've wriggled your way into his life, into his head. Instead of trying to put his feelings into tangible sentences, he makes a playlist while waiting the hours away and catches up on some much-needed reading.

Thursday comes around, and the group is pissed at him, as you expected them to be.

"Damnit, he's the reason we picked my lunch break to do this during anyways! You think he'd at least stick to plans like a reasonable individual."

"Gale, it's not like he chose to go on a spur-of-the-moment trip to California. It's a work thing, not in his control."

You almost sound a little angry when the words come out, knowing that he's probably going through some hell that all your friends don't know about. Gale picks up on this sentiment, and leaves the conversation at that, mumbling something about how they'll all just update him on the project details later. Indeed, you all talk in the group chat with him about plans for the upcoming assignment, which he sporadically responds to. Although, he always responds to your texts, even if he ignores the group chat. Astarion argues with himself about it in his head, trying to reason with himself, saying things like 'it's just because the group chat is overwhelming.' For how good of a liar he is, he's not good at lying to himself.

Friday morning, he goes radio silent, which you're not concerned by at first. He's busy, probably busier than you've ever been in your life. Yet, he had made time to text you since Monday night. It starts to worry you when Saturday and Sunday both pass with nothing new. You hold yourself back from asking if everything's alright, knowing if something is stressing him out it's probably better to just let him deal with it and get back to you. And yet, you don't talk to him until he's back, and you're not even the first one to hear that he's back on campus.

"Oh yeah, I saw him in the elevator earlier. Tried being nice like you said, I even waved! You should be proud. Doesn't seem like he appreciated it though."

Shadow rolls her eyes, almost covered by her bangs that she desperately needs to trim. You're not sure exactly why, but you rush to his dorm room, knocking frantically. It's Monday night, which is surprising. You could've sworn he said he'd be back Tuesday morning, but maybe you misremembered. The door creaks open.

"Oh, hello Tav."

Astarion's eyes are weary, which you chalk up to not being able to sleep on the plane.

"Hello? You haven't texted me since Thursday, what the hell? I thought you like died or something."

"Nope, not dead, very much alive. Got wrapped up in some work affairs over the weekend, fashion people can be quite dramatic. Either way, I apologize. I'm still quite new to the 'having a genuine friend' thing."

"Well, how's your arm?"

He scoffs.

"It's... it's fine. Weird to have someone ask."

At this point, he's opened the door and let you in. You're welcomed to a sight of half un-packed luggage and a stack of leather binded books on the coffee table.

"Holy shit Astarion, did you rob a bookstore while you were in California?"

"Nope, all from the library. Missing out on a week of school when you're a senior here comes with its disadvantages. For example, I have had no time to work on my thesis essay, and I've barely even unpacked from the trip itself. Although, I did snag this."

He takes out a garment bag that has been carefully finessed to fit in his suitcase without wrinkling whatever is hidden inside. His fingers nimbly move to unzip the bag, revealing a white faux fur coat.

"Now, do I wear too much white? Absolutely, but passing up on this? I could never."

You almost feel bad, not knowing anything about clothes or what makes them cool, but to your credit, you know it's a nice coat. He slips it on, happy with his latest thievery.

"Well, what do you think? Is it stunning, or is it stunning?"

In that moment, while you're about to make some quip like 'go look for yourself, you realize he has no mirrors in the dorm, not even in the bathroom that you've only ever caught a glance of.

"I would say look for yourself, but you don't have any mirrors. That's shocking."

"Well, I had the one in the bathroom removed. Guess I'm just not particularly a fan of reflections."

"How come?"

He stares at a detail on the sleeve of the coat.

"You get tired of seeing your face after a while."

"Well, I think it looks fabulous, and so do you."

"Wish I felt just as fabulous."

He lets out a small laugh, shrugging his way out of the blinding fabric. There's something left unsaid in the air, you can feel it as he goes to hang up his new treasure.

"What really happened this weekend?"

Astarion tenses, almost dropping the hanger he so delicately placed the jacket on.

"I... I'd rather not say. I know I told you a lot the other night, but there are truly some things best left as skeletons in the closet. Maybe in time, but not today. I can't today."

"That's okay. I was just worried, that's all."

"Funny, I'm so used to people prying all the time. It's pleasant, getting to have secrets when I talk to you."

He comes back out into the living room.

"Would you like to stay for a while? You don't have to help unpack or anything, just be here."

"Sure, as long as you don't mind. And I would gladly help you unpack. Besides, you have a master thesis to get back to."

"I suppose I do. Thanks, I won't forget this."

"What, like you need to trade some favor back or something? Because that's not necessary."

"You're too nice for your own good."

The pale man puts some soft R&B on, and the two of you go ahead and start putting all his things away. Although, he doesn't let you handle any of his nice clothes. You learn that the hard way when he bats your hand away from a pair of very expensive jeans.

"They're just jeans, I promise I won't taint them!"

"Yes, they are just jeans, but they're also 800-dollar jeans, and I am not risking it."

You continue to ask him about various articles of clothing, what shoots he took them from. He remembers every single one. Although, he does skip out on some details, brushing past parts of his tales without a second thought. You don't mind though, knowing it's probably just things he isn't ready to talk about. At some point you become distracted by the stack of books on the nearby table, and start looking at all the titles. They're all related to ethics, morality, or philosophy in some way, but particularly focused on the psychology of abusers and the abused.

"I thought you weren't a philosophy person?"

Astarion's voice almost makes you jump, taking you out of reading the back of one of the books.

"Is this what you're doing your thesis on?"

"I mean I'd like to, but I'm still not sure. Feel as though the head of the department will be surprised when I present it to him."

"How come?"

"Because I've always made my projects, lifeless, I guess. I've always written and studied by the book, never touched on emotional topics. Just don't want people asking questions."

"So, what specifically are you going to look into?"

"The philosophy of abusers, how power imbalances change our moral codes, that kind of thing."

You lightly place the book back in the stack.

"I think you should do it. If anyone asks, just say you were curious about it."

"That's true, I am known to be quite curious. Now, are you going to help me with the rest of this, or have you given up?"

The night passes by too fast for his liking, as the two of you talk while he prepares for the week ahead. It's past midnight when you finally check your phone, seeing that you've received a couple of cheeky messages about your absence from Shadow.

"Is it late already?"

Astarion checks him phone as well.

"Perhaps it's time for you to go get some sleep darling. After all, not everyone is as extreme of an insomniac as I am."

"Yeah, I guess I should probably get back. Happy you're back though, and that you're okay."

Without really thinking about it, you go for a side hug, and make your way to the door.

"See you tomorrow?"

"Sure. See you tomorrow Tav."

And his smile is warmer than normal, knowing there's something to look forward to after a torturous night of barely any sleep. Maybe opening up to a single soul isn't so bad after all.

[mercwiththem0uth]

Evenings with Ross Gaines - drabble

feeling bored and just wanted to write something short. feel free to leave requests xo

[pairing - ross gaines x reader]

---

I had been dating Ross for a few months now, having met in the small town of Royston Vasey. He loved his job and would usually work long hours, but he had been significantly busier the past couple of weeks, working on a case of an insufferable woman whom I learned was called 'Pauline'. Too often he would arrive home in the late evening, his dinner going cold, with me sat half-asleep waiting for him on the couch. The most worrying part would be when he'd show up with bruises and dried blood all over him, having faced beatings and attacks from the dreaded 40-something-year-old. I couldn't count the times I'd sat with him on the bathroom floor, wiping and wrapping his wounds, and comforting him as he would rant and tell me about his awful day.

So as I stood in the kitchen beginning to prepare our evening meal, my heart almost dropped as I heard the front door open and his voice call out "hey, I'm home."

I turned and faced him as he walked in, a confused smile on my face. "You're early?" He hummed in agreement against my lips as he pressed a quick peck to them. "Yeah, well..." He sighed as he grabbed two wine glasses and opened the fridge to retrieve some alcohol. "I hate these late nights. I missed you." He handed me a glass with a small smile before we both took a sip. "I've been missing you, too. Your book has barely been touched." I laughed gently, gesturing towards the two books on the coffee table.

Most evenings before Ross met Pauline, we would come home from work and cuddle up together on the couch to read our books in a comfortable silence. It was one of our favourite activities. But recently I'd been left to read alone, and my book was almost finished, where Ross had only managed to turn a few pages. I watched as he glanced at the books and smiled sadly. "What's wrong?" I asked, worried he'd sustained more injuries. "Are you hurt?"

"No" he chuckled, putting his glass down and walking towards me, extending his arms. I let him wrap me up in his warm embrace, breathing in his scent as I hugged him back. "I just missed you" he mumbled into my hair, slightly rocking me from side to side. I laughed against him, "Yeah, you already said that."

He pulled back and pressed another kiss to my lips, "I'm gonna have a quick shower... wanna join me?" He smirked. I rolled my eyes and denied the offer, much to his dismay.

When he was showering, I finished making dinner and laid the table, before changing into my pyjamas. He walked out in his robe, his hair all flat and stuck to his forehead. It was my favourite look on him, and he knew it. Over dinner we spoke about our days and made plans for the weekend, and just had a much-needed catch up. After clearing up, we moved to the couch and put on a DVD, wrapping ourselves up under a blanket. My head laid on his chest as his fingers played with the ends of my hair, making it almost impossible to keep my eyes open.

He noticed my sleepiness. He notices everything. "You wanna go to bed?" He whispered down at me half-way through the movie, but I shook my head, not wanting to waste any of the short time that we had together. I grabbed his hand and fiddled with his fingers, tracing over every line, mark, and scar, before raising his finger tips to my lips to lightly kiss each of them. I felt his eyes watching me intently.

"I don't want you to go to work tomorrow" I whispered, sadness lacing my voice.

"Well it's a good job that I already booked the day off, then" I turned to look at him, only to find him grinning down at me.

"Are you serious?"

He just nodded, still smiling. "I couldn't go off to work knowing you were at home alone on your day off. I need a break." He sighed contently, pulling me closer to him.

"Well, what will we do?" I asked, leaning my face close to his.

"I can think of something" he barely whispered, allowing his lips to collide against mine.

[lantur]

I can't believe I haven't written in almost two weeks. :// I really regret falling so behind with journaling on here. I want to get back to it, because it helps me process my thoughts. Long post underneath the read more.

notes on life,

I was thoroughly overwhelmed by my work trip two weeks ago, but I was delighted to get to see @thatisadamnfinecupofcoffee and @annespelledwithane again. Spending time with them (going out for ramen and to the prettiest tea house in the East Village, and then eating an entire buffet of desserts from two different bakeries, and staying up until 2 AM) was a mini-vacation I very much needed.

It took me a whole week to recover from being out of town for a few days. :// I truly don't bounce back from travel the way I used to a few years ago...

I've been in my new job for almost exactly one month now. The challenging transition phase is over. I'm still adjusting to being way busier than I used to be, putting a lot more mental effort in. It's tiring. Every day, I do roughly as much work as I used to do in one week at my old job, so I have to work faster and harder than I used to before. It makes the days go by super fast, which is disorienting. I feel like February just started, but actually the month started eight days ago.

I've been trying to keep on top of my personal goals despite all of that. I've been enjoying swimming and yoga. I cooked a new recipe, halal cart chicken and rice, and it turned out really good. I'm hoping to cook two more new recipes before the end of this month. I finished my audiobook of The Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater, and it was so good that I kept thinking of the ending for days after I finished it. I started listening to My Best Friend's Exorcism by Grady Hendrix a few days ago as well.

I had my long-awaited psychiatrist appointment yesterday. I was nervous, but the psychiatrist was very kind and empathetic, and she is also another WOC. She has suggested starting a new medication to treat type 2 bipolar disorder. I'm nervous, but hopeful that this could help me.

I've been going through pelvic floor physical therapy as well for the past couple of weeks, which is quite a time and energy commitment - weekly appointments with the PT, and regular practice at home. It's tiring, on top of everything else going on with work, social life, home maintenance, exercise, etc., but I'm hopeful that this too will help me address longstanding issues with excessive pelvic floor tightness. I wish it could be fixed quickly, but I think it might take months to sort out.

I've been enjoying spending time with Derek playing board games, and cuddling my cat Westin and watching The Wire at night/in the evenings after work. The quiet time really helps me recover before the next work day.

I have been loving watching The Last of Us.

I had a wonderful time hanging out with my little nieces, five and almost three years old, on Saturday and playing hide and seek with them. <3

I had a dream that really hit me hard a couple of nights ago. I dreamed I got to see my brother again. We hung out, and I gave him a big hug. I was adopted, so we weren't raised together. We only saw each other once every few years, until our families became estranged. I haven't seen him in 10 years now, as we live in different countries. We're in touch occasionally over text. I wrote on here last fall that I thought I processed my grief over that separation, and found surrogate siblings in my brothers- and sisters-in-law via Derek's family. So this dream hit me hard. I wouldn't have normally done this, but I sent my brother a short text tonight, just saying I was thinking about him and I hope he and his wife are doing well. It hurts a lot. I always wonder if I'm ever going to see him again. I would love to give him and my sister-in-law a hug.

I'm looking forward to therapy on Friday. I haven't been able to have an appointment in about three weeks or so, and I'm excited to be able to process my thoughts and feelings with my therapist, and getting back to doing that on here by myself as well.

[embracesufferdestroy]

Not related to anything DID but this is seriously the only place I have to vent

Put under cut for just the length of the post, no TW necessarily just relationship drama

I've been in a relationship these past 2 and a half, close to three years and we've known each other for about 4 years. All things considered, it's a pretty good and healthy relationship, especially compared to a lot of people. There is only one major, in my eyes, problem that we have that I struggle to talk to my boyfriend about outright because it definitely makes me feel like an asshole to point it out

My boyfriend has the mental maturity of a teenager sometimes. Sometimes it feels like I'm talking to someone 7+ years younger than me and it's a huge fucking turn off. Even though we're only a year apart I feel like I have leagues more like experience than him and I don't know how to feel about it sometimes. Like 6 months ago I had a ring picked out and ready to marry him, now I have some very serious doubts about whether or not we're even gonna work out in the long run. It sucks because we do have a lot of similar life goals like kids and whatnot, and we both want an idyllic little life, but I just don't see it happening anymore

Another problem is that he is very, very, very, very, very clingy. He has told me before he'll never be able to be separated from me ever and that he'll never be able to live without me, stuff like that. Only... We're long distance. I've been trying to get him to move in with me but he won't. And it's not like he doesn't have some valid reasons for wanting to stay where he is. My problem is that he keeps making plans with me to move in with me and then pushing the date back, and pushing the date back, and pushing the date back, over and over and over. It's been years of this. I put off some MAJOR life plans in order to have enough resources for him when he moves in only for him to just be like "No I'm not moving in on this date," and now he avoids the topic almost completely. We had a pretty intense argument about this a few months ago, pretty much our only argument ever, and I told him that I no longer believed he was serious about moving in with me, how I feel like he doesn't value my time and that he's not as committed to the relationship as I am. To his credit, for a while he seemed serious after that. Then it just kinda... I don't know, went back to how it was.

During that argument I warned him that I was gonna be getting busier. I never went to college but now I wanna try. I'm living on my own though so I also need to work full time. I go to the gym, I have my side hustle and my own hobbies. Being long distance won't work for much longer and I am not waiting on him anymore. I made this very clear, that I was gonna start college whether he was here with me or not because it was one of the things I put off for a year in order to help him do something he can't commit to.

Normally we take two weeks out of the summer to visit one another, this year unfortunately it was gonna have to be one. Now due to money constraints we can't see each other at all. I was disappointed honestly, I was really looking forward to him coming over to my new, nicer place, meeting my new cat, exploring the area and whatnot. I was absolutely dreading breaking the news to him that I would have no money to pay for half of his ticket, and when I finally did he just had this like... "Oh well" attitude that to me indicated that he wasn't that heartbroken over it. I was expecting a super long conversation or for him to at the VERY least assume some fucking control over the situation, pose some ideas or whatever and he just went "That's okay" and started talking about some other shit and I was just like. Seriously that's it? I mean I'm not expecting him to like throw himself at the ground in dramatic fashion and be absolutely devastated at having to postpone the trip but he didn't even seem the least bit upset by it. He did later on say we can do Christmas but I really don't know, Christmas is such a hard time to get off for my job. Plans still seem so up in the air at the moment

And ANOTHER THING. I understand I get stressed and recluse easily, but whenever I want to just vibe on my own, he always gets so moody and makes me feel bad about wanting time for myself. I just got over a move, I've been STRUGGLING with money, I just finished my first week of work at my new job & had to spend a few hours when I got home cooking, showering, and utilizing my side hustle to get more money so I can afford fucking rent. Not something he has to worry about since he still lives with his mom. He wanted to do a voice call which like. Of course I love talking to my boyfriend. But when I am this mentally, emotionally, and physically drained, I do not like to be on call. I don't like to TALK to people. Texting is way different, can we agree?? Cause here's what's gonna happen if I get on the call with him:

1) I get on call despite not wanting to

2) Do my best to be engaged in the convo but end up being "too quiet" for him

3) he asks if I'm upset and I repeat, again, that I've had a long day and that I'm just tired

God I'm just losing faith that any of this will work out. After giving him another chance after our initial argument a few months ago, he postponed his arrival time yet again by another 6 months. I just don't even know why I fucking try, I sincerely feel like I'm the only one putting any goddamn effort into this relationship and it's not working. I would LOVE for him to prove me wrong, I really fucking would. Whenever he has a problem I have to drop everything to comfort him and find out what's wrong, but whenever I have a problem it's "Idk what you want me to say about that". I fucking hate it. Honestly I've secretly wanted to leave this relationship on and off these past few months. I really thought that argument was gonna be the nail in the coffin but we're both still here, somehow.

4) he starts having an anxious spiral that somehow I'm mad at him, not necessarily his fault, but then it turns into me having to muster up even more emotional energy to comfort him and by the end of the conversation I want nothing to do with him

I'm not gonna lie, this has been happening a lot lately. Because I've been busy, exactly like I said I was gonna be, we haven't been able to call or do things as much. And I do miss him, I wish he were here, but I don't have the same energy that he does. Being long distance for this long is only driving a wedge in between us, he agrees with that, but it feels like he doesn't care to do anything about it.

The thing is I don't hate him, I don't even think he's a bad person. I just don't think we're good for each other anymore and unless he wisens up then I'm gone. Not to say I haven't also done some shitty things, maybe I have. The thing is he never fucking talks to me about any problems and whenever I bring them up he avoids them, so if I'm doing something wrong and not noticing then I can't even begin to fix it. He has such a doormat personality which, again, I know for a fact isn't his fault, but he won't even begin to let me help him get over that fact

And look I know I'm bitching right now but day to day life is mostly enjoyable. He's one of the most interesting people I know, and one of the smartest for sure. I love his creativity, he has a new idea almost every single day and he's made strides in his artwork. There's a reason I've stayed this long, I'm just really wondering if it's gonna be all worth it in the end. I am sad over thinking these thoughts, that's why I've kept them private for so long, even in my own mind. I never wanted to admit that I just see this relationship as kind of failing. If I do break up with him, I'm honestly not even really sure where to begin for myself. He's the first person that ever made me believe I could have even a remotely normal life after all the bullshit I've been through. I really thought I was going to end up dead or as a petty criminal like the person who raised me. He's really the main reason I'm even gonna try and go to college. But recently it does feel like the negatives are outweighing anything positive that's happened.

I don't know like I said, this is really just a vent. I know the only way to get through all this is by talking to him about it, but I just don't want to end up in an argument like we did last time. It got so nasty and nothing really changed because of it