#I've been doing mostly digital the past few years‚ when i was making music. it was also rly hard to when i was w my ex ૮ ��� ﻌ–ა

[kuromi-hoemie]

hhhh talking about my writing was fun but 30 tags is not enough.. yes i have 3 major influences but i have minor ones too.. it is a lovechild of my favorite things.. writing is so fun and i have no self control or a concept of pacing myself i will sit there for 16 hours and get hit with every status effect but by god does it all just flow out of me. I've always been a music person yes but i also used to write a lot into early adulthood until The Incident™

but i am ready 2 jump back into it. i think comics are a great middle ground between the two mediums so i don't get As into writing bc i kind of started going crazy last time 🫡 i can take a more structured approach to it that forces me to pace myself and think about it differently. i love art.... i love making things i love knowing how to do things i love knowing how to play things i love having so many creative outlets, even if i don't do a lot of them regularly lol. it is enriching 😳 and nice to know that it's always there to come back to when u want.

[pumpkin-spike18]

✨Weekly Progress #32-33✨

buckle up cause I actually did a lot the past two weeks lmao

Weekly Progress #32

Came up with mushroom jam rpg idea

Initial ID rest of SYVNH work

Thumbnail 10 SYVNH BGs

Designed new SYVNH sprites

Updated P-M expressions

Spooktober discussions

New list of P-M work to do

Thumbnailed 15 SYVNH CGs

Made VF jam outline

Finished VF jam script

Found music and sound effects for VF Jam

Attended Spooktober meet and greet

Thumbnailed VF art

Sketched VF sprites design

Fin 1 VF sprite

omg where do I start...

I'm not planning to join Mushroom Jam wait, it's like 3 months long?? I just might... but I had a mini-idea where I can test out Wolf RPG Engine so I might as well write down the idea and potentially make it--... I'm joining this jam in a couple months, aren't I? (derp) So far, I just have the concept idea in. I'll have to learn how to make what I want to do first. It'll just be a simple puzzle game.

All the remaining SYVNH pre-work has been done! Now to do the actual work...

I sped drew 10 BGs and 15CG thumbnails during lunch at work. Don't ask what happened with the Deli there. I had an image in mind, but the space started looking empty and then the angle got twisted to the top. I'll fix it when I start drawing digitally.

And some new sprite designs! :) ...That is all I'll say for now. Save the surprise for the full game. Or when I run out of advertising ideas at the end of the year.

P-M is short for a short game I've been working on and off (mostly off) since 2020. The full name will be Pre-Make. All the major work has been finished, but it got pushed to the side for a long time. The gameplay for P-M is actually the original test run for the gameplay I planned for SYVNH.

(The last update was 2021... I think that predates this blog...?!)

Hmm... My coloring style was pretty different back then...

And then, towards the end of the week, I found Velox Fabula jam. After a few hours of lamenting with other members of the devclub... I came up with a short idea for the game. I'll probably be writing a post mortem next week to better explain the thought process behind the game, but here are some concept art for the game :)

Weekly Progress #33

Finished VF sprites, BGs, CGs

Coded VF game

Finished VF gamepage

Found mushrooms I want to draw for mushroom jam

I squished it all together, but there were two sprites, 3 BGs, and 3 CGs finished from scratch this week.

You can play my entry, one last time. in browser here!

[lone-wolf-no-more]

The Furthest I've Ever Been

Friday, February 24, 2023

Day 13

Yeah, I’m still here. I’m no staring at the wall of a jail cell, I’m not trying to stave off the cold on some icy streets, waking up at every little sound.

So, you’d think I’d be feeling a massive sense of relief and hope. Yeah, some of that is there, no doubt about that.

Help was found, things fell into place.

What is this emotional hurricane in my inner-self that I’ve been weather the past few weeks? I’ve tried to explain some of it through glucose crashes (through honey plus fruit and a generally less active life), but it’s not as if I haven’t been doing things mostly this way up to this point…

I honestly believe that this DRVN challenge has forced me all the more to face myself more. I’m listening and watching less random stuff in an effort to drown out physical and inner noise, and I believe that’s part of it.

And for whatever reason, I inwardly hit this wall that basically had these words painted on it. “Enough is enough. Regardless, I don’t belong here, in this house. No matter what happens next, my time here is up, and I can feel it.” Even though I am most certainly apprehensive about change, about leaving this place. But it MUST happen, and I choose to accept this.

Another thing is that I haven’t been watching anywhere near as many Twitch streams, which I think was helping to cover up my lack of real interaction with people outside these four walls.

So who am I, really? This is the question I need to be asking myself, and the question you should be asking yourself as well. Life’s too short for me to get this wrong. Also, I think that tomorrow may have to be Day 1, yet again, and I honestly think the only reason I’m dreading it a lot is because I know that the nearest thing to social interaction that I’ve had takes places outside the confines of my challenge rules. Namely, I would watch Twitch streams on the weekend, or a bit later at night. Especially the music ones. But that being said, even when that 7:00 times comes around, and I’m “free to watch stuff”, I just find myself questioning why I would want to...It isn’t that I don’t enjoy the music, or don’t want to support those people. It’s just…I don’t know exactly. Maybe it’s partly the whole, “I’m just a spectator talking to other people who are names on a screen, and I want to live life and do things for real myself”.

And I think that’s part of the “accumulated guilt” from how much time I’ve wasted while being here. Too much time being a “digital pack rat” (“Oh, another videogame or movie I might get around to in 3 years, gotta add that to another backlog”), too much time letting time just go by while living vicariously through other people’s vlogs, too much time in being a consumer, as opposed to being somebody who actually is putting things out into the world that I can be proud of, who is making a tangible difference in other people’s lives.

I may have said this before, but emotional pain is incredibly unforgiving. Especially when it comes to thinking about how the “past you” screwed up. And thinking about how several years have gone by seemingly in the blink of an eye.

I believe the biggest challenge ahead of me is reframing my guilt. That is, instead of “Why did I do this”, or “Why didn’t I do this better?” or whatever? It’s more like, “Why am I such [insert positive trait or identity that you know you want]”. It is then that it is possible to be free to move on from there.

There are so many things going through my mind right now, but I think I need to leave you now with the encouragement that sometimes, you MUST let go of some things from the past in order to move forward. The past, whether is be regret, or whether it be pain over what you once had, can be a terrible emotional ball and chain. Be thankful for the positives of what you’re experiencing (or have experienced), and be thankful that you ARE changing and ARE moving forward!

In my case, again, it could be a lack of what I desire that makes me wish for what I used to have. But I must, you must, believe that it is possible to have a future that is just as good as how you view the past to be. Especially since in this moment, you are in fact much older and wiser than the person who lived in that past!

Onward and upward!

[xanderwithanx]

Chloe does night-time diary posts on HER tumblr, so I'm going to start doing them here, sometimes. It would be nice if you read it, but, please, don't feel obligated! This is more for me to write.

(I got tired of my normal journal, I guess. It's full of bad poetry anyway. Besides, where's the thrill of losing anonymity in a physical notebook?)

I've basically been asleep and depressed for several days, because I had withdrawal after not being able to get my adhd meds. But, I got it today, and DID THINGS. (This is SO much better than before!)

Today, I went to a small café or restaurant (focused on tea) called Alice's Teacup that was Alice in Wonderland themed! My long-standing obsession with Alice in Wonderland knows no bounds. It was a really cute place. I got pumpkin pancakes, and some really good iced tea. Like... REALLY good iced tea.

Still, it seemed like the entire place was geared towards having a pot of tea and snacks with your friends, which left me a bit lonely. The person I asked couldn't come, and by the time I heard back, I was more than halfway there. Still, I read Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and watched Monty Python on my phone, so I still had a good time!

I dressed pretty eccentricly and effeminately all day, but, with my facial hair, I was ALWAYS coded as a man, even by people on the street! Pastels, a stupid hat, a crop top, and facial hair was a winning combination.

On my way, I was stopped by some guys soliciting for charity. I don't make a habit of stopping for strangers on the streets of Manhattan. What if it's a scam? What if I'm being pressured to buy something? What if it's a strange political rant? But, I had already taken my earbuds off, I wasn't in a hurry, and I'm terminally polite. The first guy said he liked my energy, which seemed to come from a genuine place, because I liked his too!

They were asking for donations for a breast cancer charity, the United Breast Cancer Foundation. After a discussion, it seems like the charity helps pay medical debt, medical bills, and other practical needs, which is much better than *some* others I could name. I regretted not being able to give their minimum there, as it was pretty high, but told them I'd give what I could when I got on the website.

I... did not. Money is tight, because I'm bad and irresponsible with money, even though this is more than a worthy cause. I didn't NEED to go to that tea place, and I don't NEED to spend so much money on food. Sure, I can justify it: I wanted to go to that place for so long, and it was near the college anyway! But, if I was responsible with money, you KNOW my friends direct fundraising drives would go first, worthy charities second. Still, I feel bad about it.

Then, I went to the college library, to get books to start my thesis research. I have literally been unable to go to the college itself, aside from getting my ID, so this was great! There just wasn't a reason. It was... very empty. I went to the library stacks, which was deathly quiet and deeply haunted by the old books. I half expected something to pop out at me, as I turned the stacks, but I wasn't even paranoid or anxious. It was like I was in something else's house. I was welcome, but on thin ice.

I picked up an irrelevant psychology book on the "schizophrenia problem" from the 1930s, out of morbid fascination, and quickly put it down when it threatened to shatter in my hands.

Some students walked past (which was a suprise in those monastic basement library stacks), and I added something to their conversation, in a totally natural and casual way. But, omg the poor girls, I made them jump! Luckily, I'm the least threatening person on earth, and we laughed it off.

After a lot of hunting, I got 5 out of my 10 books (for the most part)! (The rest are, sadly, online. I like to read physical copies.) Strangely, I only came in with a list to get 3 books out of 6.

Most of the books I got are about art in the AIDS crisis, which is the core of my thesis, I think, all with different value. One about exhibitions, one about the larger narrative of those gay artists, and another contradicting the larger narrative.

I also got a book about "Art and Homosexuality". Just, the parallel construction of both "art" and "homosexuality" across cultures and times, from earliest history to the modern age. It wasn't on my initial list, but I'm really excited to read it.

Finally, I got a book called "The Thief, the Cross and the Wheel", about the pain and spectacle of punishment in Medieval and Renaissance European art. I'm mainly interested in Italian Renaissance art of the crucifixion--and its masochism--for the second quarter of my thesis.

The rest are online, and Should mostly focus on Bacchus in the Italian Renaissance (especially through art) and what I call the art of "gay liberation", concurrent with the AIDS crisis (i.e. The Cockettes). These two topics make up the last half of my thesis.

I'm SO excited to get started!!

I even got to cross the college's sky-bridges! (The college is a few skyscrapers.) Still, the loneliness and novelty were kind of the same thought. Imagine if I had been here before COVID, or, if COVID hadn't happened. Who would I have been able to meet? What would the college buildings mean to me? Because, for now, they're just buildings. But, I got to see the street from above, and that was amazing!

Just walking through New York--the Upper East Side--on a cool, sunny day was beautiful. It takes 20-30 minutes to get from my place to the college (and the tea place), but it was great being able to listen to my music (a lot of They Might Be Giants on the playlist today) and see the city. You know, people, super cool old architecture being pushed out by terrible new architecture, and pigeons.

Oh my god, the pigeons. I took pictures, but none of them are good. I kept thinking about how pigeons and doves are functionally the same. We domesticated pigeons, which is why they're here, and no one is stopping to notice them? Even the ones that were splotched with pure white, like doves? There's only so many pigeons you can take until they're just white noise and a nuisance, I know, so don't think I'm blaming anyone! But it's so hard to look away from these quirky little birds.

Also, at one point my walk, I was vaping very strategicly. The mental task of searching through library stacks will do that to you, when you already have an addiction to nicotine. I made sure no one was around, and no one would be affected. I stopped on a corner next to an old, ornate Catholic church while the traffic light changed, and I almost juuled right next to a priest! I'm glad I stopped. I don't believe in Hell, but, I would have walked down there myself had I vaped at a priest. Still, the church advertised itself as LGBT+ friendly, so maybe they aren't so trigger happy on the damnation. Either way, I DIDN'T vape at a priest today, which is good.

Once I got back, I spent a few hours watching things with my amazing girlfriend Chloe, who you may know here as @cisphobiccommunistopinions. She is so beautiful, and I love her more every day, every time I see her. God, it's almost been 5 years!

I just wish I could spend more time with her. She's in Virginia, and I'm in New York. Like she said to me earlier, I'm flighty at the best of times, and, with my lack of object permanence for the digital world, I find myself not giving her the attention I deserve, or, the full connection I long to have with her. We used to live together. Luckily, someday we will live together again! All these problems won't be forever, and we can live together again.

We watched a lot of things, but we're pretty deep into Serial Experiments Lain right now. It's a postmodern anime from the 90s, and, wow, do I have no idea what's going on in it. It's about the internet, and potentially schizophrenia as well. However, I'm obsessed! One day I'll be able to crack this artistic code, and it's unreality, thematic knots, and double-meanings. I will probably understand it better on the second watch. I don't see myself in Lain, but I see my 14 year old self in her, when I had just developed schizophrenia. Her cyberpunk fate seems like it's railroaded towards tragedy, but I want to save her, even if it's silly and irrational.

I told Chloe that I was scared about spilling apple cider on my library books, and she referred to it as "The Great Apple Juice Disaster of September 11, 2021." To which I said that it was the second worst thing to happen in New York on that date. It was funnier if you were there, and also were in my brain at the time.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm meeting some online acquaintances from the college's "Queer Srudent Union" at a Japanese Culture Fair in a park. (I do not know which park.) It emphasizes "fun"! I don't know them very well, but they're friends with the one person I know irl, so it should be good.

Tomorrow night, I should Probably head downtown to check out a gallery show by MFA (masters of fine arts) students at Hunter! After all, I was in a group project with one of them, and they're absolutely brilliant. I missed the Thursday gallery opening by a landslide, because of the aforementioned lack of adhd meds and Being Asleep, which I infinitely regret. I could have listened to all the artists and curators talk about their art and exhibition! Maybe I could have even talked with the artists and curators. But, it's best for me to go sooner, rather than later, so I don't forget. And, I REALLY want to go.

It's "This dialogue which happened to be present in all other dialogues" at the Alyssa Davis Gallery. From the email I got, "Each of these works observes a threshold of transition. [...] [These] intimations [are] of a frame of mind shared by the artists. These works perform, record, access, engage, document, and entrap, embalming the viewer within the gallery space."

sgp is a really good artist, by the way. Their work is just next-level. Be sure to check out their art, if you have a chance. Let me link their portfolio: https://saragracepowell.com/

(I highly suspect spg and the other member of my group project ghosted me afterwards, but I understand. I was really in over my head. Still, they're both really sweet and kind people, don't get it twisted!)

I ALSO really want to see The Cake Boys. They're performing at the 3 Dollar Bill in Brooklyn on September 26th. (It's only $15!) They're the only all drag king collective in NYC! (Are... there any Other all drag king collectives out there?) Other than the fact that a lot of them are trans or nonbinary, which I love, this show is a totally non-judgmental competition for over 40 drag kings! I've heard their shows are hilarious and unique.

I just have to wait until I have $15 to spare. I... didn't eat dinner tonight, because I'm irresponsible with my money and don't want to ask my parents for money... again. Don't worry, it's literally fine, and I don't make a habit of doing this!

Which reminds me! For my birthday, my parents gave me a gift card to Lush! I'm definitely going to Lush tomorrow, which will be great. I would describe my personality as "Lush store employee acosting you about a bath bomb demonstration", so I'll fit right in.

I also made a transition timeline, to show how much I've changed on testosterone. For the better, I hope! I really believe I'm becoming, if not Have Become, the man I was always meant to be. It's so strange to look back at who I was not too long ago, and to know the absolute pain I was in. It's also strange, in a good way, to see the man looking back at me in the selfies. I'm so much happier now! Much more candid in my pictures, at least. But, I know that I'm so much more comfortable as myself than I was even 6 months ago. It's strange. Sometimes I think to myself, "I don't pass yet; I'm not who I Need To Be yet." Then, I look at my selfie from today, and... I'm THERE. My mind just hasn't caught up with my amazing, natural, normal reality.

The end. I have to get ready for bed, (even though I could be partying on a Saturday night in the city. I'm lame.) If you actually read this, I am kissing you on the mouth right now. I hope it made you calm down tonight, like a terrible bedtime story. If you didn't read it and just skipped to the end, don't worry: you did the rational thing.

[cloudminhyun]

Before NU'EST's Comeback...

I felt it was important to address certain things that have been happening lately in the fandom. Minhyun's fancafe letter has pushed me to write this just like how some people's behaviour pushed Minhyun to write that letter. For those unable to access fancafe, to summarise, Minhyun tried to once again convey his love and loyalty towards NU'EST and the fans and apologised for not making this clear and concise beforehand.

As someone who has been a fan since the very beginning of NU'EST's debut, I have never once doubted Minhyun's loyalty but I completely understand how older and newer fans might've felt uneasy when Minhyun resumed activities with NU'EST. He never verbally said very much about his intentions during the transition phase from Wanna One back to NU'EST, nor has he said much whilst being back with NU'EST. Everyone dabbled with the idea of him going solo and worried about a variety of things, such as the impact on the fanbase etc.

Something I want to remind everyone of is that Minhyun is a man of action. You don't simply wait for him to say something but rather observe his actions in order to understand his intentions. He returned to NU'EST, he has released music with NU'EST, he has done live streams with NU'EST, he has performed at a concert with NU'EST, and he's done all of this with a smile on his face. Why? Because he is a member of NU'EST. That is something that shouldn't even be questioned. You can simply see from his activities how hard he's tried to integrate back with the members and to reconnect with the fanbase. He wants to be NU'EST's Minhyun again and this is something the majority of the fanbase has accepted and is happy with.

Obviously, the problem is the people who only support Minhyun and are completely against NU'EST. There's nothing wrong with being a solo stan so long as you're respectful towards everyone else. If you are however throwing hateful, negative, toxic comments and abuse targeted at the other members of NU'EST then you are in fact being problematic. Feel free to support Minhyun, but if you're doing so by hating his fellow members, then you are in fact hurting Minhyun. It's as simple as that.

Since Minhyun has returned to NU'EST, he has tried time and time again to prove his love and loyalty to his members. He has tried to show us all just how much he loves the fans. He's constantly trying to prove himself and the truth of the matter is that he shouldn't even have to. From the very beginning, Minhyun made it very clear that he wanted to stay a member of NU'EST. We should trust him and we should know.

Love conquers hate, it's a quote we've mostly all heard, but in this instance, we are losing the battle because we are fighting hate with more hate. NU'EST have led by example by constantly showing us fans their love and appreciation, for example Ren's surprise fanmeet and book. Even after everything that's happened the past few months, from the sticky-note protests at Pledis's building to the rampant hate online, NU'EST have only ever responded by showing us their smiling faces and by giving us more than we probably deserve. Because they show us a bright, cheery side, we probably all forget and take for granted that NU'EST are in fact the one's hurting the most. Of all the members, who do you think is feeling the brunt of the responsibility for the hate? Even though he's not done anything to cause any of what's happened, other than exist and work as a member of Wanna One and NU'EST, Minhyun is feeling the impact of all the drama and hate the most out of everyone.

It's hard to ignore the hate and it's difficult to not feel anything when you see it. I'm not asking anyone to stop reacting towards it because I'm not in control of anyone's actions. All I want to say is that next time you see someone hating any of NU'EST, please take a moment to step back and think, "If I was NU'EST and I read this or saw this, how would I react?" Most of all, I'd really like if everyone took the time to think, "If I was Minhyun, how would I be feeling if I read this?"

We can't control what people put on the internet. What we can do is control how we react towards it and how much we expose ourselves to it. It's very easy to get sucked in and to want to read everything, to know exactly who's saying what and sometimes you may feel it necessary to reply and confront the hate comments, but let me ask-does it make you feel good when you read hate comments? Does it make you feel good when you're reacting to the hate with more hate? I'd imagine the answer is 'no'. So the simple solution is: don't read or look for the hate comments and if you see them, don't respond negatively. If they appear on your timeline, simply block that person and move on. If you feel compelled to comment, don't be passive aggressive, but try and be compassionate. You may feel like those people don't deserve any compassion after everything they've done to NU'EST, but remember: NU'EST would show them compassion and kindness and we fans are an extension of NU'EST. We represent them as a fanbase. ㄴㅇㅅㅌ by name and by nature, always.

The point of this very long post is this: NU'EST are about to release their first album as 5 for the first time in 3 years. It's their first album since they went on PD101. The boys have put a lot on the line for this album so they really need us to focus and to do our best to support them. That doesn't just mean by buying the album digitally or physically, nor does it just mean streaming the songs and music video tirelessly, it also means bringing a positive attitude to the social networking platforms you use and by promoting them in a positive way. So rather than focussing on the hate, we need to be focussed on NU'EST.

By promoting what you love, by showing people how great NU'EST are, you are more likely to entice potential new fans. However by promoting the hate and focussing on how they bring the fandom down, you're going to scare away potential new fans. NU'EST need loving fans, not toxic people. Haters come and go. The more attention you give them, the longer they persist. As soon as you stop giving them focus, they'll get bored and they'll move on. I've been a KPop fan for a decade now so trust me when I say that. It may seem difficult to ignore, but let's try our best.

After everything NU'EST has been through, they deserve the recognition for their art and their hard work. So let's make sure we do our best to focus and support them well. And ultimately, please, please, let's help ease Minhyun's troubled mind by cheering him and the rest of the members during this comeback. Let's show Minhyun that we respect his decision to be with NU'EST and how we support NU'EST with all our hearts.

Thank you for reading. Good luck during the comeback. Don't forget to rest and look after yourselves whilst helping support NU'EST. If anyone ever needs to talk about anything fandom related, I'm always here to listen and lend a shoulder. Hwaiting everyone!

- Harj