#I've been doing more productive tasks lately (barely productive but it's not sitting at my puter playing video games) but like.

[anothermonikan]

2 more hours until comfy time

[sourlemonsprout]

𝙷𝚊𝚒𝚛 𝙳𝚢𝚎 𝙳𝚒𝚕𝚎𝚖𝚖𝚊

Alphonse x gn!reader

Boo helps Alphonse re-touch his hair dye. 

Word Count: 784

꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦

It was late at night, and Boo had been lounging all alone in Al's bed, mindlessly scrolling through TikTok when suddenly, a loud noise in the other room startled them. 

"UGH, Damnit!" Boo heard Alphonse frustratedly yell. Lowering their phone, they craned their head to the side, listening intently for any more noises. 

What the hell is going on out there? 

After a few moments of silence, Boo flung the blanket on their lap off to the side and swung their legs out of bed. They wandered silently down the hallway, pausing at the sight of light filtering out from the slightly ajar bathroom door. As they peered into the crack, they saw Alphonse leaning over the countertop, shirtless with a messy towel covered in old hair dye stains draped over his bare shoulders. Another dirty towel hung over the faucet head, and a box of hair dye with its contents spilled out across the counter. Al was vigorously rubbing at a spot on his neck when his eyes met Boo's through the mirror. 

"Hey there creeper," He smirked mischievously, tilting his head to the side. 

"I was wonderin' what you've been up to. I thought you said you were gonna take a shower?" Boo smiled, pushing the door open wider so they could rest against the doorframe. 

"Well, I was, but I was tryin' to touch up my roots first. It wasn't supposed to take this long. Admittedly, I shouldn't have started this when I was so damn tired." He let out a big sigh as he turned to face his Boo. They surveyed the room, which looked like a bomb went off with hair tools and products strewn about haphazardly. Then there were the streaks of pink smudged across Al's neck and face. Boo couldn't help but find the situation amusing, and a series of giggles fell from their lips.

"What are you laughing at?" Al pouted. 

"I don't know, it just- the whole time we've been together I've never seen you dye your hair before," they shrugged.  

"Besides, I thought you'd be a pro at this by now!" they laughed. 

"Hey now, don't bully me, I'm tired!" he chuckled. 

"Soo... you want some help with that?" They offered, pointing at the messy jar of hair dye with a thin brush sticking out the top. Alphonse glanced back at the jar and then up at himself in the mirror before letting out a tired sigh.

"I suppose you can't do more damage than I've already done." he chuckled. 

"Okok, gimme a second!" Boo said excitedly before rushing away. A few moments later, they returned wearing an old oversized t-shirt, lugging a chair in one hand and two Laffy Taffy ropes in the other. 

"Here," they shrugged the chair forward towards Al.

"Sit on this. Otherwise, I'll never be able to reach the top of your head." Alphonse took the chair and positioned himself so Boo could access the sink and countertop with ease. 

"Thanks, babe," Al said softly, pulling at the wrapper of his Laffy Taffy candy. Boo turned on some soft background music before getting to work. They scooped up the jar of pink dye and stirred it to check the amount of product left. Although it was a bit messy, Al seemed to have covered most of the spots towards the back of his head that required attention. Boo gently turned Al's face to the side and started to apply thin layers of pink dye to the bleach-lightened areas on the side of his head. Alphonse quietly watched through the mirror as Boo worked on his hair, the Laffy Taffy rope hanging from the side of their mouth as they focused on the task at hand.

In no time, both sides were done. All that was left was some of the top and front parts of the hair. As they stepped in closer, Al inhaled deeply, taking in the calming humming and scent that filled his senses and made his heart flutter. Mindlessly, his hand brushed gently along the side of Boo's thigh.

"Hey, what are you doing silly?" Boo said, stopping mid-brush as Al tilted his head up to look into their eyes, a dopey smile spread across his blush-kissed face. With a firm yet delicate motion, Al grabbed the sides of Boo's waist and pulled them down into his lap. 

"I appreciate you takin' care of me, you know that right?" He said, running his hand alongside their jaw to cup their face.

"I know," they hummed lovingly. The two looked at each other and smiled, the air between them felt almost electric. Without another word, Alphonse pulled Boo in, their lips meeting in a soft, sweet kiss. 

꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦

The End <3

[lil-spider]

So Damn Pretty

Chapter 9

Part 8 : Part 10

Pairing: Johnny Slaughter X Female Reader

Summary: Johnny is sex starved and you’re very attractive, so attractive that he doesn’t want to kill you. Instead he finds ways to keep you around longer.

Note: I wrote this while having shirtless Johnny on my tv, his muscles are the only thing I can think about 😩.

Warning: This is 18+ and please do not read if your sensitive to heavy descriptions of non/con and violence. Including bondage, blood, gore, assault, objectification and unsafe sex. For those who don’t mind, I hope you enjoy.

I stare timidly at the horribly cracked mirror, observing my naked body. It’s barely recognisable; blue and purple marks spread along my chest, hips, neck and thighs. Johnny has been getting a lot rougher during sex; ever since that night I killed that girl, he’s been more ravenous.

He’s been interrupting me from my tasks more frequently, dragging me off multiple times throughout the day to somewhere away from the house, only to bend me over whatever object he deems fit. His favourite thing to do right now is sit on a pulled-out, deteriorating car seat, drink, or smoke while I’m on my knees in the dirt, sucking him off. At least it gives my poor body a break, even though my knees are now suffering.

I take one last glance at myself before putting on a pastel blue dress decorated with cute yellow flowers. The dress is short and sleeveless. Starting high, wrapping around my neck, to just stopping at the top of my knees, simple but pretty.

Looking down in the sink, I pick up a broken-handled hairbrush and roughly begin brushing my hair. Sissy kindly gifted it to me with an apology for its damaged state, but I didn't care that it was broken; I was so grateful that I squeezed her in for a tight hug. I've been desperate to rid my hair of these nasty knots. My fingers are only able to do so much.

The bathroom is now the only place I get time to think. It used to be my room, but with late-night visits from Johnny, it's no longer available.

I put the brush back down and rummaged through Jessica's makeup bag. I was supposed to hide it originally, but I changed my mind and decided to use her stuff; it would have been wasting away and forgotten about if I hid it. Searching around, I pulled out a black mascara tube, black eyeliner, and a small brown eyeshadow palette with three shades. Having no brushes, I got to work using my fingers, delicately rubbing the pigments over my eyelids. It feels good to use makeup again, a luxury I guess I took for granted. It makes me feel better, feeling refreshed and pretty.

After applying the eyeliner along my eye shape and coating on layers of mascara, I take a second to admire myself, which is a tad difficult with a broken mirror. I won't have many chances to do this again, sadly; Jessica only carried a small bag of makeup wipes with her.

I bundle the makeup products and the broken hairbrush in my arms and swiftly leave the bathroom towards my bedroom. Pushing the door open with my foot, I place the items down gently on my bedside table, and I grab an old, ugly pair of brown sandles, sliding them on. They were perfect for getting around that house quietly without disturbing anyone; Sissy's style of barefoot isn't something I was too fond of. Buckling up the sandle straps, I march downstairs, feeling ready for today.

Reaching the dining room, I notice it's unusually quiet; there's no sign of Bubbaor Nubbins messing around; Johnny ain't here either, lacking the sound of his thundering footsteps and voice.

Did I spend so long getting ready that I missed breakfast? Hopefully, Johnny went with Drayton in the early morning. I can’t help but feel anxious thinking of what else he could be up to. It was weeks ago that he brought that woman back to purposefully antagonise me. My mouth always dries up thinking about that. Did Johnny even realise I had caught him before he brought me down to the basement? Or was that his plan to further anger me?

I don't like thinking about it, and I also can't stop. The guilt and excitement I felt were like none other. Killing her was intense. So much was happening all at once with such little consequence. It bothers me that I killed her out of petty jealousy, even more so that I'm happy she's dead. God, what is happening to me?

“Lookin’ very dolled up today, sweetie?” Sissy says with a smirk as she takes a bite from her buttered-up toast.

 

Her voice snaps me out of my thoughts instantly, and I flinch in surprise, not aware she was sitting so close. She really is the quietest out of the whole family.

 "I felt like using some makeup, just for fun.” I responded to her honestly; it was true. I just wanted to feel pretty.

“Shame Johnny ain’t here to see you all pretty this morning." She smiles at me teasingly, a glint in her dangerous eyes. Not bothered, I grab myself a plate with strawberry jam toast and take a seat in front of her.

“I didn’t do it for Johnny.” I tell her, taking a large bite of my toast. She stands after finishing her breakfeast, walking off with an unconvinced look.

I wonder if the rest of the family knows about Johnny and I’s relationship; Drayton and him did have that argument when I first arrived. Not to mention our lack of subtlety; I mean, we go off together for long periods and come back with dishevelled hair and clothes. It doesn't help that I am covered head to toe in bruises.

I nibbled on the rest of the toast while thinking. Maybe they don't care; I know Johnny doesn't lose sleep over other opinions on what he does. I am, for one, embarrassed if they know.

Am I the lucky one? Johnny has chosen me to be with him out of so many other girls; he likes me the most, or I would not be here right now, and I want to keep it that way. After everything I’ve been through, God forbid another woman tries to take that away from me. I just need more time to understand Johnny and what he truly wants from me.

 

I finish my small breakfast, standing up to clean up my plate. I better hurry up; it’s my turn to feed Grandpa Sawyer, and he is most likely hungry by now.

Ironically, out of everyone in this family, Grandpa Sawyer is the most pleasant person to be around. Feeding him the vial of blood that I had once found gross has become a normal occurrence, and afterwards, I just relax in the living room, sewing or knitting near him while he sleeps; it’s peaceful.

I just started sewing and knitting as a new hobby. With the hard work Sissy and I have been doing, we were all caught up on house chores. We get them done in a couple of hours instead of a whole day. I've also finished trimming all the bushes and flowers, with nothing else important to do. Sissy has been teaching me to sew and knit to kill time while she tends to her plants in her greenhouse. So I spend my free time fixing old clothes in the living room, near Grandpa.

Now that oh so sweet, peacefulness went away as Nubbins came stomping downstairs, crashing down on the couch next to me with a heavy photo album. It’s amazing that he didn’t wake up, grandpa.

"I-I-I got some new photos I-i took with my n-n-new camera." Nubbins informs me gleefully, opening up his album.

"Ah, sure thing, yeah," I tell him, surprised by the suddenness of his appearance. He usually keeps himself locked up in his room. I put my sewing needles and the shirt I was working on to the side so I could focus my attention on him.

With beaming excitement, Nubbins flips through the photo album, going to the back to show his most recent pictures. I look at the ones he is flipping through and see a variety of shots of sunsets and sunflowers. He seems to be very passionate about his hobby. It's nice to see how he spends his free time.

It was nice until I saw pictures of mutilated animals. I cringed at the horrid sights, flicking my eyes away and swallowing my distaste. He finally gets to the page he wants. Chucking the album in my lap, he begins pointing to each picture, telling me the meaning behind each one.

 

I couldn't help but chuckle looking at the super close-up shots of Drayton's angry face. I tell Nubbins how hilarious it is, and he needs to take more close-up shots of everyone. He giggles in agreement. He flips the page over while bouncing in his seat. Thankfully, there are no more gruesome pictures; his latest ones are all beautiful and sweet. I point to the ones I like best.

One is of Sissy and Bubba dancing out in the backyard; he's adorably holding her hand up as she daintily spins. Another set of pictures I love is of Johnny in a white singlet, covered in grease stains, bent over working on a car. It follows another picture of him standing back up, turned towards the camera with a confused face, and then the last shot shows him angrily marching towards the camera, trying to grab it. It's a bit blurred; Nubbins must have started running off as he took that last picture. 

"These are really beautiful Nubbins." I tell him wholeheartedly. The pictures are well shot, and there is a loveliness to them, showing the fun side of his family. 

He grins at me in delight, and with a stutter in his voice, he asks if he could take a picture of me since I look very pretty today and will make a nice new collection. 

I nod my head. I don't see the harm in a few pictures. Nubbins quickly hops off the couch and stands in front of me, grabbing his camera that's strapped around his neck. He starts rapidly snapping pictures, the flash blinding me slightly, but I quickly compose myself and begin to smile, sitting up straighter, hopefully looking okay. I get nervous about my photo being taken.

After six or seven pictures fall from his camera, Nubbins squats down quickly, scattering them in his hands, and hobbles his way upstairs, forgetting about his photo album that is still placed on my lap.

With a morbid sense of curiosity, I flip back to see what other pictures Nubbins has taken. It consists mainly of poor dead cattle, roadkill, more of the family, and property. Until I found a picture of Johnny smiling with the corpse of a dead girl, he looked ecstatic, carrying her over his shoulder, shirtless and sweaty. It appears like he was chasing her and finally caught her. Like a wolf hunting a rabbit. Before I could turn another page, I heard Nubbins coming back downstairs.

I quickly snap the album shut and plop it next to me while grabbing my sewing needles, pretending I was focusing on something else other than his photos.

 “F-forgot this.” He mumbles under his breath, snatching the album from the couch and placing it under his arm while scuttling back to his room.

I sigh in relief at not getting caught looking through his album. I don’t know how he would react to it; it seems he takes his photography very seriously and personally. The last thing I want to do is cause trouble. Snooping like that is dangerous for me; I won’t try that again.

 

A few hours have passed since that little incident, and Sissy and I had just finished making dinner—chilli again, of course; it’s the family’s favourite. Made only how Drayton likes it, as he is the chilli expert.

I finish placing the cutlery and ceramic white plates on the dinner table just as Sissy rings the bell, signalling that food is cooked and it's time for supper. 

“Pa and Johnny should be back anytime now.” Sissy yells out to me from the kitchen, and right on cue, I hear Drayton's beat-up old truck roll up front.

Heavy doors slam, and loud voices take over the silence. The more they get closer, the easier it is to tell that an argument broke out between them—more of Drayton lecturing over Johnny. But they both come straight to the dining table, sitting in their designated spots as I take my seat.

I’m in front of Johnny. I look at his handsome face and am happy to see him. He stares back at me, making heavy eye contact with me. He looks hungry, and I don’t think it's for chilli. I cast my eyes down, not being able to keep the contact. I’ve never been good at holding eye contact; it gets too much before I start feeling embarrassed; it's easier to just look away.

Bubba comes in dressed up like an old grandma, carrying the big pot of chilli. Using a large wooden spoon, he goes around the table, serving the portions on the plates. Sissy must have given him the task when he came up from the basement. He practically lives down there, barely coming up. I guess having your own lair would be nice; it’s spacious, but I don't see the appeal; each to their own.

Sissy comes skipping in right after with a tea spoon and medium-sized bowl of sour cream, plopping them down on the table for whoever. She glances around and notices Nubbins hasn’t arrived. She sighs in annoyance, skips to the stairs, and yells out his name while also yelling that it’s dinnertime.

 

"Hurry up before it gets cold!" She yells for the last time. She comes back, smiling and taking her seat right next to me. We wait to eat until Nubbins arrives, who, of course, rushes down the stairs to take his spot. Yapping on about the new photos he took today. 

As Bubba puts the large pot down and sits, we begin to eat, and I glance back at Johnny, who is no longer staring at me but just casually eating and focusing on the others. I'm a tad jealous that he’s not focusing on me anymore. I must be showing it on my face as Johnny looks back at me with a smirk on his face. I flush red as he winks, and I look down again. I hate being so easy to read and tease. 

After finishing dinner, I was helping clean up the leftovers and dishes. Then the most odd thing happened. Johnny started to help, packing up the plates and bringing them to me. Not once since I've been here has Johnny ever helped with dishes. Placing the dirty dishes in the sink, he slides behind me, sneakily pressing himself against my ass. 

“Meet me outside near the shed. I got somethin’ for ya’." He says this quietly into my ear. With a quick kiss on my cheek, he's moves away leaving me alone and most likely heading to the shed. 

I wonder what he planned for me tonight; I have a feeling it’s not just the usual romp but something more. Taking deep breaths, I head out from the back garden to the nearby large shed. I really hope this isn't a punishment after that incident a few days ago. After I had killed that black-haired woman, I yelled at him for sleeping with her. Yes, I murdered her, but I was still pissed that he did that. I felt betrayed.

Johnny, not reacting to my anger, turned and left, leaving me baffled. It's why now I'm getting nervous as I get closer to the shed. Moonlight giving me vision in the dark while the gravel crunches underneath my shoes, sounds of crickets and leaves rustling around me as I reach my destination. 

 

Walking inside, Johnny is sitting on top of a large crater, and near him is another woman, bleeding from many cuts, gagged, and tied with an old rope to a chair. The poor thing is a sobbing mess. The outdoor lamps reflecting the wetness from her tears.

“I kept her alive just for you, sweetheart.” He says as he takes a drag from his cigarette. He stands up from the crate and saunters closer to me. 

Did you fuck this one too? I wanted to say badly, but I held my tongue. The last thing I want is to end up in the same position as the new victim. I shouldn't test him.

Johnny smiles, like he knows what I want to say, and I'm never going to be able to hide my thoughts from him. 

He wraps his muscular arm around my waist, pulling me towards him. “I know what you're thinking, sweetheart, and I didn’t put my cock any wear near her. I didn’t want you to have another temper tantrum like the other night.” He mocks me by blowing his cigarette smoke in my face. 

I crinkled my nose at the smoke, swatting its vileness away from my face. He tugs me along closer and grips my chin to my face towards the woman, who is straining her eyes at me with desperation.

“I want you to slice her up real good.” He speaks softly into my ear. Using the arm that was around my waist, he reaches to his pocket, pulling out a small switchblade and placing it in my sweaty palm. A lump swells in my throat at what he's asking me to do. I have to torture this innocent woman. I look closely at her; she seems to be in her mid-late twenties or early thirties. How am I going to do this?

He notices my hesitation, and without getting angry, he instead gently guides me closer to her. He walks behind me, pressing his large frame against me. "Let me show you." His deep voice soothes me as he holds my wrists like a puppeteer. I bite my bottom lip as he, or I guess me, presses the knife to the fat part of her cheek. Sliding it across. Ruby-red blood shines out of the gash as the woman wrestles with her restraints on the chair.

“I can’t.” I whimper at him. My hands are trembling for causing her anguish. She doesn’t deserve this; no matter who she is, this is wrong. 

“You will, or else I'll fuck her in front of you.” I'm not sure if it’s cowardice or selfishness, but I give in to him, letting him guide the knife along her delicate skin, slicing it and causing nasty red lines. We drag it down along her neck, pressing it down harder into her chest, where her heart is. I feel his hardness press into me, his hot breath along my neck, and his arm around my waist as we continue, going back up and pressing the sharp blade along her throat. 

The woman's breathing is rapid. Panting from fear. I refuse to look at her face, knowing what I'll see. Knowing she doesn't want to die. Begging for her life. 

“Do it.” He grunts, letting go of my wrist, holding me tight, waiting for me to slice her throat, wanting me to murder her on my own accord. I ignore the voices in my head as I dig the blade in deep enough. I shut my eyes as it gushes out. The woman gurgles and splatters in her gag as she chokes on her own blood.

I just killed another person, a human being. Who had a life? No, I can’t think about it; I won't. Thinking about that will get me killed. I love Johnny, and I’ll do anything for him. 

I let out a big sob, trying to calm down as Johnny turned me into his chest, hugging me. 

"You did so well, sweetheart." He assured me, patting my head. A sense of comfort swarms me as I'm held tight in his arms. 

I crane my neck up to look up at him, his dark eyes blown wide with excitement. We stare at each other as our breaths get heavy.

He dives in for a hungry kiss. I reciprocate, wanting him to devour me and to feel him inside me. Keeping me full.

Johnny pulls and tosses me against a crate. My chest squishes flat as he pulls up my dress. I wiggle my upper body, trying to adjust myself to a comfortable position. 

“Your soaked.” Johnny mocks me while gliding his fingers along my slit.

Without hesitation, I grind myself back on his hand, his thumb rubbing slow circles on my engorged clit, while two other fingers slide inside, stretching me out for his cock.

“Johnny.” I moan softly, feeling guilty as I look at the bleeding-dead woman, her limp body falling forward. 

“Don't worry, darlin', I got you." His fingers start thrusting out of me, distracting me as I clench around them, moaning. Fuck, it feels good.

 “Please, Johnny, keep going; don’t stop.” I squeezed myself again around his fingers. I'm so aroused that I could cum at any moment.

He is always so good with his fingers; he knows exactly where to put them, turning me into a moaning mess and aching for an orgasm. He presses his thumb on my clit harder, rocking it back and forth along with his other fingers. 

 

I try not to look back at the woman; the sounds of my wetness echo through the shed. A hard slap to my ass cues me to look back at Johnny in surprise; he looks annoyed.

“Don’t fuckin’ ignore me, sweetheart.” He yells angry at me for being distracted. He pulls out his fingers, drawing a gasp out of me as he flips me over.

Flatting my back on the crate, I spread my legs while the rest of my dress is dragged up over my breasts. He moves in between my legs hovering over me.

“I’m sorry, Johnny.” I moan out as he gropes and kneads my breasts. I spread my legs further to accommodate his hulking frame. My pussy aching to be touched again. He sucks on a nipple, swirling it with his tongue as I reach around, digging my nails into his soft hair. 

He stops sucking my nipples and roughly pulls my knees up to my chest so he can place his lips on my clit. He gently blows cool air on my pearl before encompassing his mouth around it, sucking and licking. I pant and squeeze his hair tighter, making him groan into my cunt. Shit, I'm going to cum soon. My cunt clenches around nothing, demanding to be filled as I reach my peak, legs shaking as I cum.

He pushes his cock inside me as I cum. We both groan in sync as he keeps going in. "Fuck your pussy feels incredible!" He groans, thrusting away.

I start moaning loudly, feeling very sensitive from my orgasm. He starts going harder, placing my calves over his shoulders. I hold on to him, trying to focus, but I'm so sensitive that I can barely keep up. 

"Johnnyyy s-so good.” I breatheless moan, barely making a full sentence as my tits swing to his pounding.

“Gonna cum, sweetheart.” He warns, pushing my legs further back, reaching deeper than before. He places his thumb on my clit, massaging it. 

I unexpectedly cum again, and my body shakes at its suddenness. Johnny moans deeply, feeling my gummy walls gush and tighten around his throbbing cock.

“Oh yeah, that’s what I love’.” He groans as he cums, squirting in me deeply, holding me still as he fills me up. I whine when he places my legs down. He watches his cum drip out of your cunt, biting his lower lip at the sight. 

"Shit darlin', I wanna' fuck again." He groans enthusiastically, slapping my thighs. 

@alurafairy : @mikaneedy

[antylope]

Relapsing - I don't know why I'm doing this to myself

Honestly? I have no clue why I keep doing it to myself. Am I addicted to video games? I don't think so. I think I'm just trying to fill some kind of void in myself... to have something which I can put my efforts into.

It starts with the thought. It sits in a subconcious mind - "hmm, haven't played any video game for a long time...". This is a trap. I know it, you know it, everyone knows it. I only remember good memories from these games, how everything went well. But it's not like that - the reality is that the vast majority of the time put into games is me being angered and irritated at other players, or at myself. Oh the energy I put into these games, you wouldn't imagine. I lived for them. But it's the past.

Then, after the thought, I decide to search for some videos or posts about this game. This keeps me hyped for it even more. I should turn back - but most often than not it's already too late.

I decide to install this game. It's like a forgotten treasure, what could go wrong? I'll just play for an hour, just to remind myself of these warm memories... Turns out I played for three in the row. I enjoyed it.

Okay, I will play in the evening, only after I get every of my responsibilities done - workout, studying, work, etc etc.

Nope. Not as easy.

It quickly spirals into an "addiction"? I don't like to use that word, but maybe its appropriate? Anyways; Then I think to myself - I'll do one of my tasks, then play for an hour, then another thing, then play etc. It increases from 1 hour of enjoyment to 2 hours of enjoyment. Then I start to play for 2 hours in the morning, right after I wake up. Oh, It's already 1 pm? How did it happened? It's okay, I still have a lot of time to do my tasks...

4 pm? Damn, I should really stop.

I ended up doing half of my daily tasks. The next days repeat.

After 2 weeks I drop my productive habits. I keep doing the bare minimum, just to keep myself going, and I allocate the rest of my time for enjoyment - playing video games. 10 pm, time to sleep? Meh, it's weekend tomorrow, why not go to sleep at midnight. Who cares if you wake up at 6 pm or 9 pm if you get 8 hours of sleep anyways, right?? Wrong.

It eventually got so bad that I not only didn't get any pleasure from playing video games, they felt like a chore, yet I still did it, and I planned my WHOLE DAY around it.

Why am I doing it to myself? Oh why? I feel dead inside. Sorry for being edgy people who are reading it. I feel like I regressed in my developement, like I am this loser that I've been years ago... Like all the hard work I've put in is lost.....

I know it isn't lost, and the only habit that I kept throughout this rut is working out - my physique is better than ever, but I'm still not satisfied.

I have to get out. I have to stop playing this stupid video games like some fucking loser. So much time wasted.... What am I running away from - my thoughts? Noone knows, especially me. My mind is just one big mess.

[badbitchfiles]

A Repeating Cycle

I'm four weeks into a twelve week layoff from my job and so far it is NOT going how i wanted it to. I have plans to return to work a completely different person mentally, physically, emotionally and financially. Instead I'm burnt out, mentally tired & financially barely treading water. Ny diet is trash, I'm unorganized, constantly doomscrolling on my phone and I have no self care and wellness routines.

Then yesterday I suddenly remembered; I felt a similar way last summer too! I'm repeating the cycle because there's a change(s) that needs to be made that i didnt make last year.

So here's what I'm gonna do to get myself back in order:

Meditate Daily

Set my phone to the "slow mornings" mode I created which blocks every app except emergency apps & my meditation app so I won't be tempted to scroll on social media first thing in the morning.

Create To-Do Lists

Organization and time management has always been a struggle for me and between work, running a business and trying to live a full life, floating directionlessly through my days and weeks no longer works; it's a recipe for overwhelm and inaction due to decision fatigue. I'm creating a day planner for my business, but until the design is finalized and I have the printed copy in my hands, to-do lists in my notes app will ease me into the habit of keeping my tasks organized

Journaling

I haven't written in my journal in months and all those thoughts are just swimming around in my head, clouding everything up. I'll be getting back into the habit of clearing my head via journaling as a part of my nighttime routine.

Cook Meals

Now that I don't have to be up at 5am, I have more time in my mornings before my obligations begin. I want to spend this time slowly and intentionally; taking time to cook myself a good breakfast, prepping a fancy cup of coffee (complete with cold foam and caramel swirls on the glass), etc. I'd like to spend this time off of my phone as well.

More Veggies

My diet has been shit lately due to my mental health & money situation and it's starting to affect me in terms of my energy & focus levels. I do try to prioritize having at least one veggie in my dinner (since, when I'm working my regular job, that's normally the only meal I really sit and eat) but now that I have more time, I really want to get in as many nutrients as I can. Yeah I know I can take vitamins & supplements but I'd rather get everything from the source, you know?

Go tf to BED

I've always been a night owl; staying up until 2, 3 or even 4 am is nothing new to me. However my job changed that (that first week I worked back in 2020 was a struggle) and now my circadian rhythm has shifted so I naturally wake up at about 730-8 am and am ready for bed at 10/11pm. But since I've been off I've regressed, I'm now back to going to bed at 4 am (it's 340am as I type this on my phone) and waking up at almost noon. I'm losing so many potentially productive hours to catching up on sleep because I finally cut my phone off as the sun was coming up. I could get so much more done by waking up at 8am, before I have to be an unpaid cabbie to the people in my house.

Get My Money Together

I got shit to do this summer (and after). I have things I want to experience and places I need to be. I'm tryna be outside (mindfully and intentionally). My credit score needs to be back in the mid 700s. I need $4,000 limits on my credit cards (to start). I need to have my emergency fund and my bills account stacked up. I am done being stressed and anxious about money and I am NOT going back. I'm working on my scarcity and lack mindsets surrounding money and I'm working on building different streams of income; I have my regular job (and hopefully a higher paying one soon), my side hustle, my business and my lifestyle blog (who aren't currently turning a profit but they will be soon). I'm building my emergency fund and I'll be returning to investing soon. I'm not exactly sure of the full picture of how my finances are going to expand but I'm working on focusing on what I can do down here and leaving the test to a higher power; they'll show me when it's time 🙌🏾

Get Back in the Gym

The gym was AMAZING for my mental health (and the physical changes were incredible as well) but the location was so inconvenient for me once went back to work. I was eyeing one that was around the corner from my job but now I have no reason to to anywhere near that side of town. Unfortunately, this piece will probably have to wait until the end of August when I go back to work but I'm so looking forward to it!

Self Care

Listen, I'm a Libra rising; my whole life falls apart when I'm not spoiling & indulging myself 😌❤️😂

I spend $8 damn near every time I go to the grocery store because I want chocolate cheesecake and i will not be depriving myself of it. I'm talking skincare, keeping my nails done, lashes done, hair done, spa treatments, creating little moments of joy and luxury and peace for myself because this world is heavy and I'm about to make my little piece of existence AMAZING

I saw something on tiktok earlier today & the girl said she created a pinterest vision board for the character she's embodying. I'll be doing the same.

I'm so very excited yo spend these next 8 weeks completely reworking myself. I know it won't be easy breaking out of my comfort zone in such ways but I know the changes will be so worth it

Stay Tuned ✌🏾❤️