#I've also convinced myself that no one reads my posts lol so it's a bad idea to post about this and expect anyone to read it

[tailoredshirt]

.

[lakesparkles]

hai me again! I hope you don't mind me adding on, I'd understand if you choose not to respond, just wanted to give my thoughts-

I first want to say that I relate to the emotional overwhelm of such situations. I'm very sensitive, especially when it feels as if I've been hurtful :( I just recently I got an ask that condescendingly said I was being insensitive about some fandom things (they misunderstood my point so I clarified and it was okay) but I felt that same feeling of rejection. it's like guilt and embarrassment and makes you feel like everyone is mad at you, lol... it always takes me a few days of recovery to feel comfortable posting again

secondly, I want to say that I agree with all your points. I don't know anything about mouthwashing, but it sounds like other people are making their shallow interpretation of it your problem. opening a discussion, as you did, is not an invitation to be harassed or accused of terrible things. you didn't deserve that!

saying that evil/abusive characters can have good qualities, do good things, or be nice, is not at all excusing (or God, forbid, endorsing) their evil/abusive actions. it's actually a grounded and realistic opinion to have. the idea that all abusers are just evil monsters isn't true. in my experience, one of the most dangerous things about abusers is that they can be nice, normal, even good people. anyone is capable of abuse, even good people. even normal people. if you talk to any abuse victim about their abusers, they will say things like, "yes, they were terrible, but they were good sometimes, too, and that's what made it so hard to hate/leave them"

I have watched bojack horseman. bojack is an excellent example of a realistic abuser (if you don't mind me calling him that). because he is written to have good moments, and to have deep and complex feelings, and to be sympathetic, sometimes, too! the things he does to others I would still call abusive, but because he is so complex and multifaceted, people sympathize with him more. he's a very interesting character and, imo, the comparison between him and jimmy is justifiable (from what I know)

(sorry a lot of this is nonsense. tldr, I think you're right, and other people just have poor literacy skills)

salukes!

-🦊

Hello!!! As usual, you don't need to worry at all! I love reading your thoughts, you can always express your thoughts so well!

First things is that YES, this is exactly how it feels! :( I'm also very sensitive with negative opinions towards me. I'm aware this is something about myself that I need to change... But oh man, I wish I knew how to actually do it. I just can't, and not even therapy helped me a bit. I feel so guilty I convince myself everybody - including my friends and mutuals - will start hating me too... Part of me knows it's not true. Part of me knows that people should and will have criticism about my actions. But nothing of it makes this type of situation easier.

Thank you for thinking so, what I was hoping was that I would be able to listen to other people's opinion about both characters, which is a very interesting topic to me. I like to see how bad people are represented on games/shows/movies, even more when Bojack and Jimmy have such different character arcs and are both the protagonists.

And I do think that admitting that abusers can be good people sometimes is a truth most people don't want to admit. But, at the same time, it's something very important to talk about because the same happened to me! (Vent coming, sorry) When I decided to stop talking to my ex, I felt so guilty. Because she treated me in a terrible way but, at the same time, she had so many good moments. She was cool, funny and made me feel very comfortable. There are some conversations between us that I still remember clearly because she inspired me and changed my way to see everything.

But she was still terrible and she still hurt me in many ways, no matter what.

I also wish things were different, but they aren't.

And Bojack is such a good character to show this. I do believe he was abusive many times and being able to relate to him is what makes the show so painful to watch. The problem is that he's so much more complex than Jimmy that people forget how he traumatized many other characters. I think more people should read his crimes on the Villains Wiki to remember Bojack is not a good guy. But well

[lagomorphics]

Majora's Mask remaster for the Nintendo Switch OLED screen could you please make a relationship chart for your AU's 🥹👉👈

ABSOLUTELY. SMILES. i've only made charts for narigoatlamb / narilamb but at some point i'll probably do some big charts including the bishops and other side characters :)

PUTTING IT UNDER THE CUT THOUGH BECAUSE THIS GETS. VERY VERY LONG. because i looove overexplaining myself <3

starting with lucky card!! since i'm still working out everything for how i want these threes dynamics to evolve i only have one version of their relationship </3 but heres my longass ramble on each dynamic:

Ines and Jahel's relationship kinda takes front and center for most of the au, since they're in close proximity most of the time, and they care about eachother A LOT. pre-Ines' deal they were 'friends', and only got closer because of All This Mess. Ines likes the fact they can be themself around Jahel, and Jahel loves Ines for all their snark and charm <3

Ines and Nari spend a lot of time having a very hot n cold relationship. Narinder usually texts Ines and holds the deal over their head to get them to go somewhere or come to the casino for something, which pisses Ines OFF because they like DOING THINGS, NARINDER. Nari has a very hard time being emotional and is practically A Wall, and Ines is. well. the opposite. Ines does think Nari is extremely hot, and (while annoyed) does go along with the deal they have, but it's only really late into things do they actually start to genuinely Fall for Nari. Nari falls first, because Ines' presence starts becoming less of an annoyance and more of something she.. really enjoys. Sorry about the divorce in their future

AND FOR THE MOST STRANGE OF THE BUNCH. HOO BOY. Nari does NOT trust Jahel (for very funny reasons. haha. lmao. lol.) and thinks they're going to ruin everything she has been trying to accomplish. Jahel is doing everything they can to convince her like "hey. i know. i swear i'm not that." but its. a very very slow process. The two probably wouldn't ever be alone with oneanother until like halfway through the plot, where Nari DOES try to kill Jahel. lol. it's fine. I'd say after that they'd start trying to get along a little better. They don't fall in love until post Nari's 'defeat' though

i also included a little funny. Jahel has another connection that they feel very very conflicted about :) wow i wonder who that is. aha. whaat. runs away extremely fast.

SNAH au <33 three lil versions of their dynamic evolving (can you tell i REALLY rotate this au around)

to start off; when Narinder was TOWW, Lambert was VERY infatuated with him, to the point that they kinda convinced themself that despite how much he talks about sacrifice, they would be the exception. To TOWW though, he grew to care about them and admired how vengeful they were, but watched as that vengence slowly cooled and mellowed out, almost resenting it. He always planned to sacrifice them, because to him; what's a greater honour than that? he promised he'd make theirs meaningful, though. Obviously Lambert did not like this in the slightest.

Post-defeat and for the early days of their relationship, Nari just kinda hated them really bad. To him, Lambert took EVERYTHING from him, including his own death. my Nari is.... not the most stable at the start? he struggles a lot mentally, and (if the day ever came) he knew he wanted death to be his end, to not even have That pissed him off. Lambert, however, still has lingering feelings for him, because at the end of the day, Narinder was like a friend to them. he did listen to them, let them spend time with him, gave them advice etc etc... so it hurts a lot to know that a) he was gonna sacrifice them (they are very pissed off about that still) and b) he is actively making everything difficult. it does not help that Nari is able to read minds and can use magic, hes causing problems and its stressing them out </3

they do eventually get to a point of being friendly though!

AND THE LAST ONE. so in SNAH, Nari DOES die at a specific point (lol), and it is an extremely rough time for both of them because Narinder realises Oh actually. i dont want to die. and his time in the afterlife is horrible, and Lambert is freaking the hell out because Holy shit. Hes dead. Oh my god. They actually personally go and retrieve his soul because the last thing they wanted was to potentially fail the resurrection ritual, but after all that happens they both just... grow closer. Narinder realises that Lambert cares about him so much, always reaches out for him and is ready to catch him at any moment. He realises he does still care about them, and he also starts to appreciate mortal life and everything way more. what dying does to a mf.

Nari dying also made Lambert realise their infatuation HAD changed into being genuine love and care, and also it hurt really bad to see him like that. it also helped them connect better to the domain they now rule over, and just... they realise that they never want to see him hurting like that again. they really do love him and want him by their side, if he wants that too. (they get. way better at Being Normal about their own emotions)

AH!!! AGH!!! (BLOWS UP)

[ixiot-ghostrebel]

𝐅𝐨𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐈𝐧 𝐌𝐲 𝐇𝐨𝐥𝐝.

The oneshot I promised based off of one of my previous post! Sorry if this is not up to your liking—I have bad writing lol. This oneshot is also, btw, in the Imposter's POV! I hope you enjoy!

Warnings: Bad Grammar, Spelling Mistakes, Not Beta Read, OOC Characters, Implications of Violence, & Mind Control/Mind Manipulation.

Read if you're okay with these terms. Please also let me know if I missed a warning!

— — —

3 weeks. It's been 3 stupid weeks since that darn creator landed into Teyvat. Gah, why?! Why now, when I have everything and anything that I wanted right under my feet? When I had this whole world fooled and all under my control, my grasp?! This was surely going to start a riot if people realize that stupid creator is the real thing.

I smile. No. No, they won't find out. I can make sure of that. I have mind controlled guards stationed everywhere in all seven nations! I have eyes everywhere! This creator will be nothing once I have them in my grasp. I'll torture them for ever thinking they had the right to demolish my work! I suffered too much for this—I am not letting my dirty work go to waste!

I slam my fist on my throne again, catching the Geo Archon's attention. Bah, stupid old dragon. Too keen for his own good. Good thing he's on my side right now.

"Your Grace," his deep voice rings through the room, "is something troubling you?"

"Why of course there's something troubling me, you fool!" I spat back. Normally, I wouldn't raise my voice at one of of most loyal followers, but right now, I'm not having it. "I have this—this dumb imposter renegading around, trying to tarnish my upbringing of reclaiming my own throne!" Zhongli's eyes darken.

"Do not fret, Your Grace. The Imposter will be hunted down soon enough." I scoff, not at all convinced.

Yeah right. That damned creator has survived for 3 weeks. No way in hell would my stupid puppets be able to kill one person in the span of this month. They were all just that stupid. It was frustrating at times, this time beyond boiling point!

"Get out there and help them!" I order Zhongli. "Make sure your nation is actually doing its job and not just lounging around, selling their goods like any other day, counting their stupid mora!"

"Of course, Your Grace." He walks out, leaving me in my throne room of my palace with my own thoughts. Tch, frail, old fool. For someone who's won a seat of Celestia from the Archon War, he acts like a pitiful yet loyal servant.

No wonder Celestia took a liking to him. I sigh, waiting yet again for my puppets to actually find that creator. It was midday, and they still haven't found them.

That was...until I felt something strange. It was faint, but I definitely sensed it. I close my eyes immediately, running through all of the puppets I've selected for this hunt.

Ah. Perfect.

Two of my most prized puppets have found them. Venti and Nahida, cornering a meek, little creator. For someone of such power, they act like a cowardly child. Ha. This will be fun.

Good job, Venti, Nahida~ I tell them in their heads. Bring them to me...I want to personally kill them myself. I grin. I can finally live out my long lasted fantasy! I can finally have that creator grovel in front of me, begging for mercy as I cut them to pieces! Perhaps I might even award these two for their accomplishment—

No... My eyes flew open for a second, shocked. What did that stupid, childish archon just say? And here, I thought of being generous to them! This is wrong! This is all wrong! I...I can feel a warm presence... I hiss at that thought. This stupid God of Wisdom dares to go against me, just because she can feel some sort of warm connection to a pathetic person who can't even fight for themself? Please!

No, no, Nahida. They are tricking you so that they can escape! I boldly tell the Dendro Archon, before slipping into Venti's mind again. Bring this imposter to me, now!

They feel so familiar...Like I've interacted with them before. Came the Anemo Archon. What?! Ugh, can this stupid God of Freedom do anything right for once?! Free...calm and warm...

Gosh, these two idiots. Making me do more work than I need just to kill one person in my way! You would think having puppets would be amazing, especially with two powerful archons at your disposal, but no! Of course not!

No. They are lying to you.

Like a comfy blanket in the coldest of winters...

Stop. They are not the creator.

Like the finest breeze in the wind, a melody as pure as the sun.

They are playing tricks. Get them.

Like a sudden lift of the cage, a strong breeze to lift the bird away...

I...I know them. I do, I swear I do.

No, you do not. They are lying to your sub-consciousness. Take revenge and kill them!

No...No, I can't. They're...They're the creator! the archons say, in sync, at the same time. I gasped, shocked. They dare betray me, after everything I did for them and their precious nations?!

THEY ARE NOT THE CREATOR. BRING THEM TO ME NOW! I shout in their heads. Their bodies moved, albeit sluggishly. Their weapons were raised, even though their consciousness was fighting against my every command, I will make sure I have my revenge for all this ruckus.

Just another step closer...Yes, raise that bow of yours...Make sure that vermin doesn't escape...Yes, good...

The moron tries to break for a run, but dendro quickly stops them. Yes, good...another step closer...good...

"P-please. I don't mean trouble! Please!" The person begins to cower. Hah, pathetic. I wonder how they'll be like when they see me face to face. It will be fun...the utmost fun I'll ever have, in fact...

No!

Stop!

A surge of both anemo and dendro combined nearly knocks my control over them, but I still held on. I gasp from the sudden burst of elemental power, before banging my fist onto my throne. These half-wits dare to go against me?!

"Y...Your Grace...Run, please..." I hear that voice of a bard say. Oh, how I want to rip out his throat...

"N-no! I can't leave you—leave you both like this!" No. No. No. I refuse to be painted the villain! My hardwork, my dirtied hands weren't for nothing! I REFUSE THIS!

YOU DARE TO DISOBEY ME?!

"Please...Your Grace, RUN!" And that was the last straw.

I forced myself into both of their bodies, flinging the archon's consciousness into the darkness again. But it was too late. That wretched vermin escaped. I shout in frustration, before signaling my other, more reliable puppets, to follow that dirty pig.

AT THE CHASM OUTSKIRTS. FIND THAT IMPOSTER, NOW!

I could feel a rush of feet running towards it. Good, at least these puppets were functioning properly.

Now...these two...traitors. Glaring down at these idiots wouldn't do anything, so I begin to shout at them.

You dare to defy me, after everything I've done for you?!

Did you forget I was the one who blessed your nations with security, with safety?!

You dare GO AGAINST ME FOR THE IMPOSTER?!

HOW STUPID CAN YOU BOTH GET?!

JUST HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO LISTEN?!

I could feel their cowering as I forced their bodies under my full control.

"Return to the palace, you wretched traitors," I said, speaking through their voices. I feel them trembling, but I don't care. I will make them fear me, if they refuse to adore me. I will change their minds, make them mindless puppets if I had to.

I will make sure to be their everything, to the point they're so loyal, no one will be able to recognize them. I will be all they have praise about. I will be all they care about. They would be so gone, they would even destroy their own precious nations if I commanded them to.

"I will teach you why no one defies me. EVER."

The entering steps of my two traitorous puppets echoes through the halls of my palace. I open my eyes, and glare down at the two once-loyal followers with pure loathing and disdain.

"You have both disappointed me, and to this, I will make sure your punishment is seen to the very end." I feel them quiver under my gaze, and I smiled. How lovely...Their fear is too tempting.

Oh, but I never said their punishment was short, did I?

𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑬𝒏𝒅.

Ghost Rebel Side Notes: Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed it! Please tell me how I did- the criticism would be greatly appreciated! Please let me know if I need to change the warnings as well, just in case I didn't do it right!

Check the Ghost Rebel's Blog Description to See if Their Mailbox is Open!

[thegrimreaperisanerd]

hi :) binge read your de fic that you have posted on ao3 last night and really enjoyed all of it! excited to see any updates. was wondering if you have any rec for other fic youve read and enjoyed-- i am not god's bravest soldier and do not enjoy trudging through tags and was wondering if you had read anything yourself that you really enjoyed lolol

Hey, thanks so much!!! Sorry it's taken a couple days to answer this, I'm poor as shit and have two jobs now wah... capitilism...

I'm working on the next 46' chapter, It's about 70% complete and I generally let it sit for an evening once it's done then re-read it the next day to catch the vast majority of mistakes (I edit everything myself) so I'd say expect that in the coming days.

I have some thoughts! I... Have never been asked for fic recs before so I'm gonna list a bunch in no particular order that I enjoyed, and reasons why. I will note that I tend to enjoy meaty plot-based works over fluff, so that's what I'll be recommending. Anyway!

Paddling Out (THE REPEATER CORPSE CONUNDRUM) - @transhitman - So this is the first DE fic I read and it set the bar pretty fucking high. YOU'VE GOT: a very cool and insular setting (don't get me wrong I like fics where they travel around Revachol too, but there's something to be said for building a set and living in it for a while) YOU'VE GOT: extremely harrowing tension and pale-fuckery YOU'VE GOT: some genuinely beautiful, heartfelt moments (I don't want to spoil anything but "people don't need your permission to care about you" kinda undid me) YOU'VE ALSO GOT: Amazing art?! Always a bonus, I wish I could draw people lol

Have You Heard The News That You're Dead? - Wizardlover - Time Loop shenanigans hell yeah! Basic premise: Kim is *unable* to save Harry's life after he's shot at the tribunal, each time he dies he Reawakens in Martinaise on the first day and desperately has to try and find a way to either prevent the Tribunal entirely, or survive it. I think the major draw to this one is how well it's characterised and how well that lends to the major source of tension: trying to convince THE WORLD'S BIGGEST SKEPTIC that you *a man he 'has only just met'* is actually stuck in a time loop. Juicy shit.

The Case Of The Man Who Two-Thirds Wasn't There - @glisteningceruleaneyes - We got another case fic here, gang. This is one of those "they travel around Revachol" numbers I previously mentioned. A lot to love about this fic; the minor OCs are all loveable (or at least well-written, looking at you Mr. Bigot-All-Rounder), the elements of writing in the game's style (particularly use of Harry's 'to do' list that you find in the ledger, you don't see that as often!) are all fantastic. Also without spoiling too much I'm a sucker for hurt/ comfort :) I like when bad things happen to our specialist guy :) ALSO! alternating chapters, Kim vs Harry's perspectives contrast REALLY well! Just a super enjoyable read. - On that note I also wanna include a special mention: there's a podfic for this one and since I mentioned my two jobs, I've been listening to audiobooks at work (I'm a cleaner. It's very boring) and that was a fun change of pace!

The Emergent Causeway - hal_incandenza - Now you KNOW this one is good because it's the only *unfinished* fic I'm recommending. Again, We've got art! We've got a brand new (non-Revachol!) setting that still feels excellently Elysium! We got that excellent balance of humour and misery from the get go! EXCELLENT murder mystery so far, I am intrigued AND also there's a fucking puppy. Hell yeah. This one's from Kim's perspective and does a really good job of it, nothing like a man being begrudgingly sent on holiday and being somewhat relieved to have a corpse to deal with.

A Spilled Kaleidoscope - @spilledkaleidoscope - I'm actually recommending a series here. Real definition of "came for the art, stayed for the writing" I mostly have a soft spot because I got to watch a few "haha, what if-?" musing text posts become a series of written chapters and INCREDIBLE DRAWINGS HOLY SHIT. Like, you really just draw hands for fun, huh? This person made a pact with some sort of devil beasts to draw hands very good, at the bare minimum we can read their fiction.

Nothing To Lose But Our Chains - Lepak - I almost forgot this one and I honestly can't believe it because this is one of these ones that you need a cigarette afterwards. Good fucking god. This is probably the best fic I've ever read in terms of not shying away from the heavy themes that make Disco Elysium such a beautiful, moving game. It tackles a racism in many forms, particularly how people like Kim (in working for the RCM) and immigration laws do their part in upholding racist systems, despite the way it hurts him too. Of course, it's also excellently written with tense scenes and some real funny moments. A real good'un here.

The Catacomb Killer - SupposedToBeWriting - Give Harry more memory loss. Make him convinced he killed a kid. Make *Kim* convinced he killed a kid... Then the plot thickens. I won't lie I can't remember fuck all about this one because I was mostly drunk when I read it, but if it was good enough that I kept reading instead of smoking a spliff or something then it must have been excellent... I will re-read it when I have the time, lmao.

MURDER ON THE AIRWAVES - @randomisedmongoose - I'm just a really big fan of murder mysteries and gore. You show me somebody with brain matter pouring from their earholes and I'm like "yum yum, more of that please." I am a sucker for curious methods of murder and this one's good for that. Lots of trekking back and forth like in the game again. More ACAB - always good.

I did not mean to include this many...........................

Oh well. Here's my list, there are plenty of others I've enjoyed but these are just the ones that came to mind! Thanks again for reading my fic! Always makes me happy when people let me know they enjoy my writing :3

[bookaddict24-7]

REVIEWS OF THE WEEK!

Every week I will post various reviews I've written so far in 2024. You can check out my Goodreads for more up-to-date reviews HERE. You can friend me on Goodreads here.

Have you read any of these? What were your thoughts?

___

305. Kraken's Sacrifice by Katee Robert--⭐️⭐️⭐️

This was OK, kind of forgettable. Someone wrote a short review that just said "I wish this series was written better" and honestly...yes. LOL. There is SO MUCH potential here.

The romance was kind of weird, like the pacing was off. One moment he hates her and then boom--sexy time and suddenly he's in love. I also couldn't stop giggling at the fact that she sees his tentacles and immediately was like, "Yes, that. I want." Listen, I don't want to yuck anyone's yum, but I think it's okay to side-eye the fact that your husband has tentacles that could be used during fun times.

I did like the connection at the end and how communication saved the day. SEE?! Communication can even happen between a human and a Kraken Man. No excuses. But yeah, I liked the ending for this one more than book one, simply because it wasn't drawn out.

I felt really bad for the FMC and how the MMC had to overcome his grief to move forward in his life. She has had a very tragic life (as is alluded to in the beginning and can be seen in her actions throughout the novella).

Overall, this was a short and kinky story that had some spicy spice and had a very interesting dynamic. I think if this had been a bit longer and the characters were a bit more rounded, this would have been a better story.

___

306. Burden Falls by Kat Ellis--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I honestly didn't know what to expect from BURDEN FALLS. At some point, I was convinced it was a vampire story--look, an Apple and Blood? Definitely TWILIGHT coded.

But no, this is a mystery with a haunting mystery, a creepy set of deaths, and a family torn apart by loss. Though it took me a bit to get into this story, I was curious throughout the whole thing and really enjoyed that twist.

I have to give props to Kat Ellis for setting such a great atmosphere. It was described so well that I could see it perfectly in my mind and I imagined myself walking through dying apple orchards, trying to figure out who keeps killing the people who've affected the MC's life in one way or another.

I will say, however, that the romance was a bit expected and predictable. But I wasn't really here for that romance, more for the mystery. BURDEN FALLS was the kind of book that I think would have been fine without the romance. BUT with that being said, I liked that neither of the characters lost themselves to their relationship.

The whole story led up to an explosive reveal and some great scary times along the way, with some pretty haunting descriptions. Definitely a great read for the Fall, especially if you're visiting an apple orchard in a small, haunted town.

___

307. Forgive Me, Leonard Peacock by Matthew Quick--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

TW: Suicide Ideation, Description of SA, Threatened Gun Violence, Depression, Parental Abandonment.

I think if you liked THE CATCHER IN THE RYE, or if you empathized with Holden Caufield, you'll empathize more with this MC and his thought process. One of the things I don't think I'll ever understand about the hate CATCHER gets is that Holden is insufferable. He may be a tough pill to swallow, but that kid was extremely traumatized and in desperate need of therapy.

Much like Holden, this MC is in a very dark place. Everything he does is a cry for help--from his need to be a quiet observer just to not feel lonely, to trying to find a connection in a horrible and misguided way, this MC was on a downward spiral and the person who should have noticed the most was too self-involved to be a parent to him.

I did like, however, that despite the darker moments and the commitment to the coming end, there WERE characters who noticed the MC's mindset. They saw the signs and while the MC would set near-impossible goals for those around him to meet, he missed all of the other signs that people DID notice.

My problem when I read books like this is that I empathize so much with the MC that I almost fall into their mindset--I feel their annoyances, their frustrations, and their feelings of being misunderstood. With this MC, his mind was a very dark place to be in. While there WERE signs of others noticing his mental state, there were also signs that no one noticed. I could see how the MC might have reached this point.

I remember reading somewhere that although everyone's struggle is different, it doesn't change how giant someone's struggle still feels. The world is chaos and there are multitudes of people living truly traumatizing lives, but to a teenager, the end of the world truly DOES feel like the end of the world. This MC may have been rich and may have had freedoms that others his age never had, but his trauma and loneliness, and lack of guidance in his messy world led up to this suicidal and pivotal moment.

By the end of the book, there is little hope. BUT this is also a realistic take because mental health is an ongoing fight for the rest of one's life--especially for a teenager. Every day is a different day and you never know what might come. While the ending isn't the best, it is sadly realistic.

The topic of the gun in this book and how he mentally uses it as a way to get through his day (by quietly threatening the students around him) is a very real problem right now--especially with the school shootings--but I think it's easy to focus on those moments of the story and bypass the SA that he suffers at a young age, which essentially changed him completely.

This book isn't an easy read. It can even be incredibly triggering. But I also think it can be very important. It shows that you never really know what that person beside you is thinking, feeling, or experiencing.

___

308. Hope & Other Punchlines by Julie Buxbaum--⭐️⭐️⭐️

I went through a phase a few years ago where I read a few of Buxbaum's works because they were the type of YA contemporary that had me hooked. While HOPE & OTHER PUNCHLINES had a lot of those things, I think I read this too far after I purchased it. There were certain things in here that made me give this book side eye, but it's fine. Everything is fine.

One of the things that this book definitely had going for it was the very unique approach to 9/11. And let be super clear here: when I read this, I had no idea it was about 9/11, so starting it on that same date 23 years later was not planned.

I think one of the questions a lot of people ask themselves is: Where were you when 9/11 happened? I remember I was in grade 6, hearing about it happening. I remember seeing all of the parents picking us up in a panic, thinking that Canadian schools would be next (which like...why?) and I remember my dad being very worried. And then I remember writing letters to...who? I don't know, but it's very clear in my mind that we wrote letters.

Anyway, I digress. This was such a unique take on the topic. I never even thought about what life must have been like for survivors so many years after the tragedy. Which seems callous, but I was twelve and it has become one of those things in our history that is a fact. But we're sadly at the point where we don't even do a moment of silence anymore. The human consciousness is...sometimes depressing like that.

Man, I am going off base a lot.

The romance in this book was...questionable. The connections between the two characters starts as blackmail, which was very off-putting and icky. Despite that beginning, I liked the characters and parents.

The MMC trying to find out what happened to his dad was honestly heartbreaking. I can't even imagine having that "what if" as such a big part of your identity. I think that was one of my favourite sad moments of this book--him trying to figure out this mystery, while also navigating the complicated relationships around him.

The FMC is one of those characters that had the best intentions, but made not so great choices. I did like that she was empathetic and still carved out her identity despite what the world expected of her.

If you're thinking of reading this, keep in mind that it does explore topics about loss, family, 9/11 and its after effects--such as the health side-effects so many people experienced years later.

___

309. Last One to Die by Cynthia Murphy--⭐️⭐️

Meh.

this book was a blur, but not in a good way. This felt like it needed...more? Why do I care for these characters that are introduced before becoming the victims of the killer?

What was that twist? I know it had been alluded to throughout the book, but I never truly expected it. In a weird way, I would have preferred the very cliched twist.

I do think this book had a lot of potential. There were so many things that could have been done and the way everything came to light at the end would have been really great if it hadn't all been revealed at once. My main issue with LAST ONE TO DIE was that it felt under developed. Like the author was given this book as an assignment and they followed the bare minimum. Give me a more rounded character, give me a reason to care for these victims that we literally JUST met.

And seriously, I know we got an "answer" at the end, but WHY was this killer so obsessed with the MC? It was all just so flat.

I didn't make this one star because there was a lot of potential here. And I was so excited to have found this author because I love YA horror/thrillers. I have already DNFed one other book by this author.

___

310. Ruthless Creatures by J.T. Geissinger--⭐️⭐️⭐️

I had to really suspend my disbelief for this one LOL.

RUTHLESS CREATURES had a spicy and intriguing mystery throughout, but I was stuck on how quickly these two connected, especially when he is this cold and murderous human. I guess there are people out there that can tame the bad boy with their long black hair and curves. Imagine the POWER.

Anyway, I'm glad these two got to live their sexiest best lives.

This was spicy and fun and full of moments that had me giggling. This was the perfect read after reading a few heavier YA novels. I knew from the moment I started it that I was going to enjoy it for what it was. Do I agree with how fast it happened and how she just completely disregards that he's a murderer? Absolutely not. But you know, Fiction™️.

I won't lie, I'm excited to read book two. I LOVED her best friend. She's got the type of personality that would stick with you through life and death. I want to see her fall in love because she's so adamant that it doesn't exist for her. I just know that book is going to have a lot of personality. I also know it'll be hilarious and spicy af.

Anyway, I somehow read the fourth book in this series without realizing it. So, at least I know I've already enjoyed some aspect of this series. Glad I gave this one a shot!

___

311. Spanking Shakespeare by Jake Wizner & Richard Ewing (Illustrator)--⭐️⭐️⭐️

I'm going to be 100% honest with this one: I almost DNF'ed SPANKING SHAKESPEARE. I came so close to not finishing this book, mainly because it was...a lot. The MC is your typical seventeen year-old horny boy and his POV took some time to get used to.

But, I'm glad I kept going because he had some good character growth throughout the story, leading up to a pretty good ending.

And while some of the humour was truly teen boy cringe, there were some genuinely funny moments. A good chunk of the events in this book are told as writing projects by the MC and I liked those retellings more than the actual out of character writing. Despite the cringe honesty, I appreciated the humour in this book. I especially laughed at that last story told in the book.

I also liked how the MC learned about others' experiences in comparison to his own. While his parents definitely do questionable stuff, he learns that there are some kids who would love to have parents like his.

I think this book would have been a very relatable source for teen boys maybe a decade or two ago. There were some pretty important topics discussed and some great moments of self-discoveries that a teen boy might appreciate.

If you want to read this because of that title, expect the humour that comes naturally with that title. But also be prepared for the cringe moments that can only come from a very honest point of view of a horny seventeen year old boy.

___

312. To Be Taught, If Fortunate by Becky Chambers--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

TO BE TAUGHT, IF FORTUNATE is my third Becky Chambers novella and much like the other two I've read, this one does such a great job of exploring humanity. We see it in the decisions the characters make when certain truths come to light, and when they interact to creatures that aren't from Earth.

But in a way, Chamber's novel also reminded me how small we really are in the universe. All that keeps these astronauts connected to their Earthly humanity is a delayed radio signal. I can't even imagine how lonely it must be to know that you're so far away that the people you know would be dead by the time you arrive back home.

I think this book is also a hopeful story of how humanity might treat the world beyond Earth. Preserving life, rather than conquering it? What a concept.

Overall, there is a good and interesting exploration of grief that weighs heavily over the crew. They each, in turn, experience a moment where they disconnect to process the losses they're finally coming to terms with. Even when explaining what the process of goodbye looks like before the mission, the MC keeps it partially private. Grief is a human emotion, but it is sometimes felt better in the dark, even if that could potentially lead to suicidal ideation (in the case of this book)--which is where we see that teamwork come into effect.

By the end, there is this sense of hope but also sadness that permeates the book. A sad hopefulness for a future meant to be lived beyond the story. And that's the beauty of a Becky Chambers book--she'll have you for a moment, but her writing will linger for a while afterward.

___

Happy reading!

[novelcain]

Please read 🙏

So. I mentioned in the tags of one of my first posts back that I had to announce a few things that'd probably lose me some followers, but like I don't blame anyone if you do skedaddle because I know most of you are here for the monkie (totally understandable tho)

That being said I am no longer hyperfixated on jttw/Sun Wukong and that likely won't happen again for a while cause main the thing that caused me to clock out for so long kinda left a bad taste in my brain. However I will eventually come back to it. I can guarantee that. It just won't be for a hot minute (maybe who knows I can't control my brain lol)

As for the 10 billion asks I have in my inbox rn I'll be taking screen shots of the ones that have to do with monkie and such and putting them in a folder so that when I DO get back into jttw I'll just immediately start with those. So yeah if you sent me a really long ask FEAR NOT!😃 for I refuse to get rid of any of them 🥰

With that information tho, I never really intended for this to be just a monkie blog that's just what my hyperfixation had been on since I started. But I also tried to force that hyperfixation to stay way longer than I should have so that I could keep making content that my followers would like which is a part of the reason why I needed a break for so long. I wore myself out, and I needed to convince myself that it was okay for me to make content that makes me happy too. 😌

Tho unfortunately that does mean all my current projects will be on hold and I'll be updating the titles on ao3 soon to On Hiatus. 😔

I ofc will still gladly interact with/absorb any art or writings inspired by or dedicated to my works even if they aren't something I'm currently fixated on because effort deserves recognition and I love seeing ya'lls stuff more than anything. 🥰 Same goes for any submissions with art or edits/videos.

Also I did finish my Triad AU Sun Wukong character sheet like... forever go and just forgot to post it. 😬 (I KNOW I'M SORRY! 😭) SO I'll be posting that soon once I'm done moving everything around and making things more manageable and ✨️aesthetic✨️ on the blog.

Tho that kinda brings me to the next announcement I'll be merging my art blog and my spam blog onto this blog (so many blogs😫) cause honestly 4 blogs is just too much and I just wanna vibe 😅🤚 lol

The last announcement is that once I'm done rearranging everything I'll be going through all my mentions that I've missed and checking out what you guys made while I was gone cause I heard from a few people that there's quite a bit 😊 *much excitement* (on god I need an emoji that looks like it's vibrating because I need visual representation of how I feel like imma explode sometimes)

[kkbardd]

hi! popping in quickly.

I absolutely adore your artstyle and your ocs. their personalities and stories are always so interesting, and I look forward to seeing any type of art you post.

If you take a break from drawing asurei, that's completely okay!! doing things with joy is more important than just doing them. I will enjoy whatever you draw regardless— in fact, I regularly go back to that drawing of the unnamed pink haired girlfailure OC and her "friend" daily. i am mayhaps their number one fan.

please continue sharing your stories and ideas!! I adore your characters and designs so much. I am very excited for your toxic yuri freeloader/assassin story.. they are very interesting!!

also saw you did some dialogue in japanese.. do you speak it ? im quite interested in any language so.. apologies if this is off topic ><!

In any case, thank you for continuing to create. I love your art and hope you continue to draw what makes you happy and what you feel motivated to do. I love all your art regardless of subject matter!! in fact it convinced me to to start watching madoka magica :}

best wishes !! hope you're well!!

wahhh isopod !! u always send me the nicest asks when i need them most!! i hope ur doing well ~ although my last post sounded pretty depressing im actually doing pretty well too! im going to the aquarium next week w some friends so im looking forward to that more than anything >:D

I've been reading a lot of short yuri stories by Toyo Totan & Iwami Kiyoko lately and I'm excited to use that inspiration to improve some of my own OC stuff too! (I recommend 'Last Summer Vacation' !)

And yes I'm fluent in Japanese !! I'm actually an officer in my college's JP language community & I used to translate manga on the side !! I'm completely self-taught through videos though, so while my listening and speaking are fluent I actually suck at reading LOL I'm so bad that when I translated manga I'd use my camera's text to speech to do everything...

I'm a huge language nerd too! I watch a bunch of scientific videos/TED-Talks on how our brain learns languages and tips to learn things more efficiently! For example, apparently when you first start learning a language you should never try to speak it right off! If you try speaking before listening for a very long time, your brain just kinda solidifies your verbal pronunciation and it can have long-term effects on not only how you sound, but also how you HEAR sounds! This is also why some think that children learn languages better, because they spend a long time exposed to it while being non-verbal. I love this fact bc I kinda experienced it myself!

I spent about 2 years just watching JP translated videos of people speaking naturally (not videos aimed at foreigners, nor shows that have acting, more like vlog-type stuff!) and only started speaking when exposed to others who could speak it too ! Especially during COVID, I think I was pretty much spending ~80% of my day listening and thinking in Japanese so I was very immersed! And because of that, I'm a little famous in my community for having the best pronunciation 😤 Going to on a trip to Japan & translating for the people who went with me also boosted my confidence a lot! I'll never forget this guy at an izakaya who asked how many years I've been living in Osaka LOL ("three days actually!")

I think the biggest downside though is that once u learn another language, ur first language skills get bad.. i often think up half-sentences and sayings/metaphors in Jap that just sound wrong when you try to translate it back into Eng ;;; i sometimes trail off when i speaking because i forget the english word for certain things, but my friends are now just used to my weird metaphors so!

I went on such a long tangent!! But anyways!! Thank u for always sending me the sweetest asks, I always save them to my phone and I'm pretty sure all my friends know abt u bc I always show them the nice things u say 😭!! And yes!!! Madoka is so good, especially the movie so im excited ur gonna watch it!! I hope u like it!

and finally for their #1 fan <3 :

[goldendoodledenny]

Requested by anon

Goultard x gn reader- you're beautiful <3 pt1 (sfw*)

*its sfw, but has suggestions of other stuff

Reader is gender neutral and referred to as y/n

Head cannons about Goultard with his s/o, who is very pretty, but doesn't seem to think they are

• Goultard always wondered why you wore baggy pants and a sweatshirt

• you were so pretty!

• he once saw you dressed up for some big event

• and you looked fantastic!

• so he didn't get why you didn't wear clothes that match how great you look

• he knew you were insecure, but he didn't think you didn't see how you looked

• it was as of a spell was cast on you to make you see something else in the mirror

• you had a bad habit of comparing yourself to others

• so even if someone told you about your looks

• you didn't believe it

• you thought they were pitying you, that they were lying

• and when you're boyfriend kept saying you were pretty

• you still didn't believe it

• he hugs you, kisses you, praises you

• and you STILL didn't believe him

• sometimes

• you'll deny it completely and say it's not true

• and this MANNN (technically a God, lol)

• he gonna pick you up

• take you to the couch or bed

• and cuddle the crap outta you!

• (maybe some other activities too 🤭)

• he'll make sure you KNOW how much he loves you!

• after all

• physical touch is his main love language🧡

The End🧡

(ik I said id prolly post more frequently... But I'm also really frickin lazy and kinda demotivated. It can take WEEKS to make ONE... But a DAY to make THREE sometimes... I've also been struggling with my parents depending on me so much and my dumb butt messing up half the time, I also think I may have minor depression/anxiety and slight ADHD/ADD so that's frickin fun... I'm almost convinced with the minor depression since it runs in my family... Don't worry, I don't cut myself or anything, I just get stuck in a hole of self doubt... Life is hell sometimes and it's overwhelming me a bit... Being the oldest child and having annoying little sisters... Think imma make some comforts with an overwhelmed reader... I'm rambling at this point, and it you've read this all, thanks, and I'm sorry for dumping all this here, I just needed somewhere for all this to go... Here, have a snack as a reward for reading the fanfic and/or this 🍕🍟🥨🍔🌭🌮🍝🍙🍧🎂🍮🥧🍫🍬🍭🍪🍩)

[amaiguri]

When you're a Writer and a Vtuber...

If you like storytelling, Vtubing, or both, this one's for you 🥰

You'd think there'd be more overlap of "People who want to be fantasy characters and hide their face" and "Writers" but there really aren't. I know like me and @moonfeatherblue and that's it for the writing/worldbuilding and Vtuber overlap lololol. I think there should be more of us!

So, let me convince you to become a storytelling/worldbuilding/writing Vtuber like me...

In addition to just loving all the cool things you can do with Live2D as a software (if like art and you don't just stare at rigging showcases on YouTube, you should. It's so cool!), I also love storytelling in a social media space. Like, how do you tell a story over time? How much information should you reveal and when? What colors, images, and sounds evoke the feelings you want? And what feelings will keep people coming back for more? Basically, Vtubers have made me fall in love with marketing because the best marketing is just storytelling with some sort of call-to-action at the end.

Am I GOOD at marketing? No, lol, but maybe YOU would be! KEEP READING to find out XD

On the flipside, so so many Vtubers are like "I'm the embodiment of sin and also a gamer and a singer" or "I'm a cottagecore whale who is also the collector of lost souls and I play video games" and it's like... clearly Vtuber audiences LIKE the fantasy aspects of this. Why is the Vtuber default just gaming? Why is there not waaaaay more whimsy and storytelling? (This isn't to say Gaming Bad TM. I'm literally a game dev. I NEED streamers to play my games. I love them.) There's just so much opportunity for cool storytelling with Vtubers!

If you wanna get into being a fictional character/having a kayfabe-like wrestling persona for your writing, you should 100% get into Vtubing. You don't even need to stream to be a Vtuber -- and honestly I'm not even sure you need to post videos necessarily lol -- GIFs and pictures could probably get you pretty far on the right platforms. You could start out using a PNG --there are so many good, free PNGtuber softwares and you could use Picrew images (with the right permissions!) for your PNGtuber to start. Or if you can draw, you can just DO THAT.

Or if you have like $50 USD, Raindrop Atelier has a FULLY rigged Vtuber "Picrew" with chibi models that are so high quality and cute! Or if you have like $300 USD, you could get one of the Picrew-like Vtubers from Charat Genesis. (Yes, that's a lot BUT most Vtuber models — 2D and 3D alike — run you from $2000 to $8000 sooooo $300 is a steal in comparison.)

And then, over time, you could post and reveal facts about yourself and tidbits of your lore! And you could give writing advice or talking about your worldbuilding in-character! I've had this idea to make a fantasy creature mockumentary for actually years now and I'm just trying to find a good scope for it...

On the downside, as with all "storytelling in real time", it can a little discouraging at the start when you don't have a big audience. And this specific niche is especially underdeveloped so it's definitely hard to find a foothold. BUT I find that, because it's all play -- it's all FANTASY -- I have a lot more energy for this kind of marketing than I would if I were promoting myself as "just a writer, trying to sell my writing." Getting people to like me is exhausting. Getting people to like my writing is part of the writing process!

Cuz like, aside from just "inhabiting a fictional character" and "reducing your face presence online while still giving your personal brand a face", being a Vtuber is also a fun way to tie into your work.

Like, my Vtuber model is Arlasaire and she's the protagonist of my (probably) upcoming RPG, Untitled Yssaia Game, (Not the final name, real name pending lol). She talks about cooking and music and geography over on my YouTube channel and it's all infused with cool fantasy music and sound effects. She speaks in and teaches you about conlangs in the world. And she goes on fantasy dates or fantasy vacations! So now, I'm getting people attached to this character and her world BEFORE I even get into her actual story. And all her merchandising and stuff is really just game merchandising and so on and so forth... and that's just good branding! Hopefully some day, this translates into more people playing the game and seeing more of my work!

But obviously, I'm very new to marketing or else this blog post would convince more writers to become Vtubers and more Vtubers to write lol.

Anyway, here's some Arlasaire art (art: LexiKoumori on IG, rig: Kanijam) AS WELL AS some of her earlier model sketches before I asked for her hair to be silkier and less feathery! And lastly, a short unedited video of me being cringe so you KNOW you could do better :DDDD

[the-owl-tree]

I fr don’t know how the erins wrote such a twisted, triggering abusive couple and story line again and again. they don’t even answer for it in a way that takes into account their audience who reads their books and sees their parents doing this exact shit. this is some shit that would send me into a spiral as a kid. I am genuinely shocked and appalled that they’re still making books. not to say warriors should end but… they are actively producing harmful content marketed towards children

had to take a little women & cooking break from this book lol

i'm not done the book yet so i might be shooting myself in the foot....but at the same time i'm pretty confident i've identified some of the reasons why this book is the way it is. for how awful the book is, it is pretty revealing:

-Okay, get the obvious one out of the way: Warriors does not treat its female characters and its male characters equally. This bleeds into ALL their writing, and this super edition is just as impacted by it. Whether or not we like these characters or not, this double standard is at play.

-The books believe that Squirrelflight and Bramblestar's fighting makes them better, that their disagreements make them a good team and challenge each other. Squirrelflight in particular is considered argumentative by her clanmates, something which is treated as comedic in the early chapters:

(note the wording, squilf is the argumentative unreasonable one).

Obviously, this isn't true. Their quarreling does NOT make them stronger and Bramblestar frequently uses his position to actively punish her when she disagrees with him to the point he'd forbid her from arguing with him in public. Squirrelflight disagreeing with him is shown by the narrative as her doing what's right (which is good!) but the fact Bramblestar CAN and WILL use his position to shut her up is bad. These fights are not equal and the authors won't acknowledge that, so the rest of the cast in ThunderClan also don't see this as bad.

-Bramblestar isn't meant to be seen as right and we're SUPPOSED to see his actions as cruel and heartless....but the authors want you to think about how pressured and stressed he is. They do not want to acknowledge just how bad his actions are. People act like Squirrelflight is piling shit onto him (this is not true and i actually kind of want to make a post about just how this plot point as been taken out of context and misused by people who want bramblestar to look good but another time another time)....but the book does not want to see this as a repeated part of his personality because the authors do not see Bramblestar as a bad person at heart, just that he's misguided and not acting rationally. Not true! We've seen this behavior prior. But that leads to my next point-

-While the narrative isn't trying to convince you that Bramblestar is correct, it still wants you to think that Squirrelflight has done something to earn this treatment. Her going behind Bramblestar's back is treated as wrong and Squirrelflight's narration has her imploring the reader to think about his perspective. The writers want you to believe that things could have gone better had she just talked to him...but fail to acknowledge that the Bramblestar they've written is completely unreasonable and acting irrationally. He actively does not listen in earlier chapters but they still want you to believe Squirrelflight disobeying him is worth her being flamed as well.

Note: this is a repeated pattern. she apologizes to him about her suspicions about hawkfrost....despite being completely right.

-The authors use characters are situational antagonists (and often repeatedly use these characters! Thornclaw and Blossomfall have the consistent trait of being actively xenophobic and cruel to outsiders) but they refuse to address these as bad or have these characters be confronted for this. Bramblestar falls into this category, he is antagonist for this book but because he apologizes and is secretly good at heart or whatever, the authors don't have to interrogate just how much harm he is doing to those around him. They needed conflict, used Bramblestar for that, and once the conflict was resolved, went back to use him as a main character without examining the shit he did as an antagonist.

Thornclaw is like the prime example of this he is routinely bigoted and awful and yet is just treated like a normal member of the Clan. So it's not just a Bramblestar, this is a broader writing issue.

aannnd those are my little theories based on this reading. it sucks ass and i need bramblestar to die asap.

[maleficore]

I don’t even go here but your replies to deepdragons were so needlessly hostile.

“If you found it so disrespectful then why didn’t you block me?” This is childish and hypocritical. If you found their take so bad, why did you go out of your way to go to their blog, find the post, and then argue with them? Why didn’t YOU block them first so you wouldn’t have to see their takes? Why do people need to block you, to actively prevent you from interacting with them entirely, for you to not be rude to them?

People will have shitty takes and you will not agree with every post you see — that’s the nature of fandom. You can’t control how other people post or think and that’s annoying, I get it, but YOU can control how you interact with others. The way you were speaking to that person was so needlessly rude and hostile. Is that how you speak to people in real life? I’m so curious as to what your goal was in talking to them like that. Surely it wasn’t to convince any one of anything. Who would want to agree with someone being so dickish and annoying about something as inconsequential as the politics of elven aging? So, what was all of that for? Did that make you happy or have you just riled yourself up? Do you feel like you accomplished something by speaking to someone like that?

I really hate when people tear others apart for being wrong about fandom things. If you were wrong about something, do you think you would appreciate someone talking to you in the way you spoke to deepdragons? Or would you rather they approach you with respect and understanding? Golden rule and all that, yeah?

You did not have to seek them out and you did not have to engage with them. Next time, either speak to others with respect or just make your own goddamn post. Not everything needs to be a debate.

I also find it funny how you were coming at them for not being faithful for the lore or whatever and then, when someone with more textual evidence than you rebutted your statements and called for you to back up your claims, you were like “I can’t be expected to cite all of my claims like an academic paper!!” Fucking lol. The onus of proof lies only with the people you disagree with, huh?

Have you seen the original post? I'm guessing not because then you'd know that my reply pretty much mirrored the exact condescending tone used by the OP. I also didn't "go out of my way" to do anything. I've said so before and I'll repeat it again: I got an error while reblogging the OG post, went to check the person's blog for what's up with that and the first thing I saw was them calling people stupid for pointing out that They're Not Correct. I already had the post written at that point and I simply copied it from one tab to another. This is the internet, you post something publicly people can and will interact with it unless you stop them. I didn't block the OP because at the time I did not give a shit if they interacted with me or not, I was just setting straight misinfo I see regurgitated over and over again to the point I'm sick of it. Because of the attitude they displayed I was actually fully expecting to get blocked straight away myself.

I'm not actually a dick unless someone annoys me into it. Because sometimes people get annoyed and they're rude, that's just how people work. But I guess you know that? Since you're annoyed at me and wrote a whole essay trying to make me feel bad?

And just to finish this off.. none of my statements were rebutted. I got lore dumped on and half of it wasn't even interpreted correctly from the linked books. Yes, I don't need to cite like it's an academic paper because all the goddamn info needed was already in my first post. Astarion was not a child because he was a grown ass man with a government job. There's no basis for "Ascended Vampires can't love" because Larian homebrews their vampires so the written lore doesn't apply. That's literally it. People on this site just can't fucking read.

[lains-reality]

Hey! (This is pretty long if you don’t mind reading it.)

So I want to start by using my success story as an example: I had an appointment and I did SATS the night before. There wasn’t a thought In my mind I TRULY knew that I was not going to that appointment, and that morning I still felt that way, as I was getting ready to go. And basically when I got there they ended up being closed and I went home.

But the thing is now I’m starting to panick and worry especially because the new school year. I want so many things and I tell myself “ok tonight I’m gonna do the same thing I did that one night I successfully cancelled my appointment” but it’s just so frustrating because it’s like I’m not in the same mindset. It just feels like I’m forcing it, like I’m affirming from my body and not from self.

I’m just very lost because I find myself through the day identifying very heavily with my body and when I tell myself “this isnt you, you are self” and things of that nature I doubt it because I don’t FEEL it. It just feels like I’m talking to myself. And I saw the ‘do i want the desire or freedom’ post and it really meant something to me. Because my desire is to have all of these things for school and to have a happy family but freedom for me looks like no school and like living in a castle or something. But like even with freedom I still get to experience anything I imagine.

I’m sorry if that was a horrible explanation, and feedback? (Thank you in advance!)

"it just feels like i'm forcing it"

then stop. let yourself be frustrated. it's not a waste of time or unproductive to let yourself be frustrated - why put more worries onto yourself? just sit with the feelings, get them all out until you feel better, the feelings are coming up for you to release them.

you're trying to get yourself back into a mindset you had before. but it doesn't matter what the mind is doing, when you know who you are. there's no convincing to do. (also here, you're making the condition of the old mindset the only way that you can get something)

last night i felt weird. before, the body had anxiety problems and so last night my mind was like "do something, i dont like this!!" and i folded. i went onto yt to listen to my usual calming vid (eft tapping abt fear), but then i thought "no!! i don't wanna do this anymore, it was probably wind (as i burped earlier) i want to go towards love, not live in fear!" and so i went to a different eft tapping vid abt feeling love. and then i went bed lol

in that moment i remembered i am not the body, and i also asked myself what do i want to choose, love or fear?

you don't have to feel you are not the body, it's just the truth. if conviction/remembering isn't "working", another path is self inquiry.

ramana is like the specialist of self inquiry, its like his thing lol. i've read like a paragraph's worth of his teachings. but it was extremely helpful. i'll show you a little of my self inquiry.

mind = memories, thoughts, feelings. i cannot be a memory, wouldn't i be transported back to when when i remember one? i can see one through visualisation. its not now, so its generated again. i cannot be thoughts -> i can say 'stop walking' whilst walking. also how do you be a thought?? the mind is everything in the inner world so if i was born elsewhere, everything would be different in the mind. so its moulded by society, time, location etc. so even when the mind changes so many times, i'm still here. so i'm not it. i cannot be a feeling, i can feel it or recognise it. i am still here when i feel good or bad -> not the feelings. so who's the one recognising? i cannot be my name - its an identifier for the body.

the body tripped me up several times whilst questioning it:

the idea 'i am the body' leads to beauty standards, hatred, genetics, midlife crisis etc.

i saw that 'i am the body' is clearly not the greatest idea. but i couldn't answer why i wasn't it. until i remembered that the mind can affect the body:

the body has reactions (e.g. anxiety) to the mind & it's stories it wants to protect from. memories, feelings, thoughts all pop up and the body reacts to it. does that mean the body is a component of the mind? if it can affect it.

if you've read my "nondualism and manifestation" post then you'll see that idea there again. i also had my faith strengthened when 4dbarbie talked about astral projection in one of her posts. i totally forgot about ap! after days of confusion and slight frustration, i understood a little more and so i finally got to a point where i was like 'no more identifying as it!'

question everything. this doubting leads you to be able to ask whether there's something more than the body-mind, and allows you to accept more. and gives you the courage to just stop identifying as the body.

self inquiry for you

if you can be aware of images, feelings & thoughts all through visualization, memories, dreams, and the "real world", whats the difference?

what is the mind? what is it made up of?

are you the body? are you you're name?

notice how you say "my hand" or "my mind". is the body-mind something you own or are?

if there wasn't any mind to point stuff out and identify as it, would there be a world? would there be a body?

what is the difference between this character and your ideal character?

what if this character is only here because you believe you are it?

do you still exist in the absense of that thing? [e.g. no memories, do you still exist?]

what would you be doing if you weren't influenced by the reaction of likes and dislikes?

what happens to the body when you sleep?

reading

mindset

disbelieve

challenge all

the path of sri ramana (the part i want you to read is part 1, ch.4)

[j2zara]

for the ask game!! 📚 💭 👖

Sorry these took all day i've been out and Tired as hell but thank u!

📚 Do you read your own fic?

I try to not feel embarrassed that the answer is yeah bc like I think if other ppl reread their own work it would make sense!!!! Like I would not judge at all and honestly co-sign rereading ur own shit. I literally tell ppl that the reason I write is bc like. It’s basically the chance to craft your own perfectly tailored special interest to share with others. So like. Why wouldn’t I like it? (And this was especially true when I was trying to write original stuff which is why it’s so frustrating I never finish anything. But also a little true now too. This whole weird cloneverse was the product of my dumb thought experiment “what if the clones were people who had the capacity to be just as tragic as Jace). It’s got everything I like in it. I try to tell myself anyway. In practice it’s like. Argh.I kinda go through periods where I like. And this is usually after I JUST posted. Wanna do other things but end up distracting myself by rereading the thing I just made over and over. And then I forget it exists and often in my mind it’s like. Oh I don’t wanna read that i think bc I have residual feelings of like. Idk embarrassment I guess? Like I convince myself it’s old and probably bad but sometimes when I’m glancing at old things I write for. Refresher purposes (usually on cloneverse lol) I end up getting suckered back into rereading it like oh hey is this actually. Good?

Anything older I mostly haven’t looked at in a while bc idk. I’m very hard on my old self. I did reread my Reddie sky high au thing and went. Hm this is actually fun I like this. Most of my IT stuff is like. Ok I think? This is kinda related but I JUST got a comment on a talent swap I wrote for DR and I literally haven’t updated the thing since 2018 and I feel so bad for abandoning it but. Part of it is bc I think if I were to come back to it I would wanna redo some of the old chapters and I feel so pained looking at the early chapters. I keep telling myself I’ll get to it. My Mukuro and Hiro proxy sibling agenda deserves it, they deserve to be best friends so bad, I’m sad I abandoned them. 

💭 What is a headcanon you have about your own work?

This is such a funny question bc I’m such a goddamn blabbermouth so I feel pretty confident that I’ve already posted so much cringe abt the headcanons for cloneverse. Like. Technically J3’s personality started as a headcanon in that i was like “oh, Porter was flirting with J3 the entire time he was falling in love with J2”. 99% of the time if i feel compelled to say it i will just say it? Actually you know what? I just thought of one that might be kinda schmaltzy and i feel bad for not saying its a 100% certainty but in my heart Ankarna grants all the clones some form of true life but it would probably be some fucked genie deal where its like there’s a reincarnation au or something. Like they have to find each other again or something. Very Hadestown Orphydice anybody got a match coded. Genuinely b/c J4 wishes she was never Of Jace she gets what she wants and its like good/bad. Bc i can never stop putting the clones in the torment nexus I don’t know if that’s completely stupid

👖 Are you a planner, plantser, or pantser? Is it consistent?

I try so hard to be a planner bc I’m so frustrated by my pantser process. Like. Idk i tend to just ride momentum but without foresight you end up going in directions that can be kinda formless and completely wrong and idk. I have such hard time finishing things b/c of this i think. But when I try to plan I’m also so bad at it i don’t think I’ve ever finished a real and true outline before I start. I want to be the kind of person that has clean outlines but. Idk. So by default I guess I’m a plantser bc I do have docs full of notes but my notes are always super messy and like. Idk what I’m doing evolves so much while I work that half the time the notes end up not even accurate to what I’m aiming for. Worst of both worlds life

[galvanizedfriend]

hi, yokan <3

I read that in Brazil there's a week-break because of carnival, therefore I hope you're finally having a bit of rest!

I was wondering if you could post an outtake with the klaroeve scene? from you comment I understood that there was more than that little scene in the latest chapter, and I would LOVE to read it!

sorry if I sound rude or pressuring, it's not my intention at all :(( I'm just Eve's third parent, I need more scenes with my babygirl being adorable 😭😭

I totally get why you don't put more of her in the main story. I ALWAYS say that babyplots are terrible due to a lot of factors, one of them being the constant present of a baby who basically does nothing (rightfully, since, yk, it went out of the whomb last year) and that adds nothing to the plot but just terrible fan service.

I think most people would agree with this, maybe even you!

HOWEVER, my little wolf/fish/mermaid is THE exception and I would love to see more of her, and, since u have a series dedicated to those fluffy moments that don't exactly fits with the plot, I really wish you will post something there 😭😭

sorry for bothering you, I hope you'll have a good day!

P.S.

totally off-topic but I also read some of your comments in Portuguese (AT LEAST I think it's Portuguese 😭) and I understood like 80% of it, privileges of being Italian ‼‼ so lol now you really can't escape me >:)

Yes, it's Carnaval right now! It's a nearly weak-long holiday, but it sadly ends on Wednesday. 😢 And I was technically on call yesterday, so 😂 But I am very much enjoying not doing anything 🤷‍♀️

About the baby thing, yes. 😂 I've been so lucky to get some passionate readers almost from the start with this fic and to have people who are still reading it a ton of years later, but I've also had to read some very mean things over the years that have stuck with me. It has made me extremely self-conscious about this story. I sometimes find myself almost apologizing for writing it, like I'm commiting some kind of crime against fandom or like I should be banned for inflicting this upon people for as long as I have. I wish I could be the kind of person who just doesn't care and remains blissfully unbothered, but I'm not. I'm not a naturally confident person in any way, and that kind of thing does get to me.

It's gotten better, of course. I care a lot less now than I used to, and the fic is not as popular as it was a few years ago either, so there's that But some of that stuff has just ingrained itself into my brain. Objectively I know this is stupid and I don't owe anybody anything, I don't have to apologize for writing a fanfiction for god's sake. There's room for everyone in fandom. I can have a corner to rewrite the show and have a magical Klaroline baby, fuck it. Who cares, you know? But it's almost stronger than me sometimes, I don't realize I'm doing it. I get this feeling that I need to be more critical otherwise people are going to think it's ridiculous and OOC and nobody's gonna want to read it anymore and etc etc. It's exhausting. And it's obviously nobody's fault, it's just me in my own head, but that's how it goes.

The scene you're talking about in particular. I had it written years ago. Literal years, maybe 2021 or early 2022. Some of my friends had even already read it a loooong time before the chapter was finished. And I was convinced that it was so cute and totally fine. Then as I wrapping up the chapter, I started getting this itch that it was actually ridiculous and the folks who had read it didn't say anything because they were being nice, they didn't want to hurt my feelings, and I had to get delete it. So I did. In all truth, I think the chapter is more polished like this. But then I removed a family scene and ended up writing smut that also had no place in the chapter, so. 🤷‍♀️

Anyway, I'm sorry for the rambly response. 🥲 I'll tell you this: I will read the deleted scene again and if I feel it's not dumpster-fire bad, I will post it here. But I need to check it first, because there is chance that it's not just my paranoid head telling me to get rid of the baby scenes and it really is just that bad. 😂

And as for the last part, yes, it's Portuguese. It's my native language. And it's so funny how Italian, Spanish and Portuguese can be so similar. I understand Spanish much better than Italian, but I do get some of it as well. Latin languages 🤜🤛 (except French, I don't understand French at all 😂)

[emeritus-fuckers]

Howdy hey I'm interested in trying the match-up event. I always enjoy reading the things y'all've written.

Apologies in advance if this is a mess. 1. Identity: I am nonbinary, use they/them and she/her pronouns. I'm bisexual and a bit on the demisexual side.

2. Who I like: I'm cool with either the papas or ghouls

3. What I look like: I'm 5'8" and chubby. I'm pretty strong and got some muscle so I'm built perfect for giving big hugs and cuddles (though it'll take a bit of convincing to get me cuddly). At the moment my hair is dyed bright red but it changes colors often. Both my eyes have sectoral heterochromia and are green with a bright blue chunk. I usually wear all black graphic tees, skinny jeans, boots, and fun colored socks that often show because i never find pants that are long enough in my size lol.

4. My personality: I am introverted but enjoy being around others even if it wears me out. I'm good with kids (I'm a human jungle gym at this point) and people tend to tell me their secrets and find it easy to be open/themselves around me. I'd say i'm pretty smart but I will do stupid things just because i'm curious. Folks i'm comfortable around will never hear the end of my current interests and I'm a complete goofball (I've been banned from being funny at the table because i've caused too many people to choke laughing oops). It takes a while to actually get to know me deeply because I keep things close to my chest and dont open up easily. I've got a lot of anxiety and some baggage that I keep hidden but I'm working on I swear. I can get really competitive over trivial things and can turn anything into a game. I sometimes go MIA when im distracted with whatever the hell i'm into at that time but when I reappear there's always something new to share. (I can tell you everything you never wanted to know about pipe organs!)

5. Interests: I've got the adhd so my interests bounce around a lot. I like making things and I mess around with a lot with different crafts. I do a lot of fiber arts stuff and I've also recently been whittling bears (I have a few around somewhere). I love music both listening and playing it. I play 8 instruments (violin, viola, cello, mandolin, ukulele, trumpet, trombone, and french horn) but I'm best with the violin because i've been playing it for around 17 years. I'm also teaching myself accordion and guitar. I play video games sometimes and I especially enjoy getting 100% completion. In general I love learning anything and everything and am a "jack of many trades but master of none"

6.Trivia: My favorite movie is fantasia 2000 and recently I completed my goal of performing every music piece in an orchestra (The Pines of Rome and the Firebird Suite are my favs). I collect knickknacks and random things I find and use them to decorate my spaces and I have a skeleton with a mustache in a wizard costume in the back seat of my car and its name is Todd. I also keep googly eyes in my bag just in case

This post is part of the 1000 followers match up event. Entries for the event are now closed.

Your match is...Swiss

You and Swiss quickly became friends, he's so excited by things and so enthusiastic that you got swept up in it all. He's charming and really sweet to you, so you started to fall for him. One day you were sitting outside, Swiss taking a large drag of his vape before he looks at you and grins. "I love ya, you know that right gorgeous one?" You blush and blurt out that you feel the same way. Swiss responds by biting your shoulder just under the collar of your t-shirt. "There now it's offical" he says so excited he's practically jumping up and down "you're my mate!"

Swiss adores your eyes, he thinks they are the most awesome thing ever, and so beautiful. He tells you this a lot.

Swiss adores how much of a goofball you are, he is too, and you spend a lot of time together both laughing so hard you end up tearing up.

If your anxeity is getting bad he will cuddle and do anythig he can to help. If things get too much and you seem sad he'll hold you. He will cuddle you as long as you need. Then he'll try and take your mind off things, anything to get you to laugh a little and smile. Swiss is chaos personified but one thing is constant for him, he loves you and is devoted to you.

Swiss can keep up with your changing interestests. Infact he loves it! This Ghoul enjoys chaos and jumping around from thing to thing, that keeps him occupied. Whatever you get into he'll throw himself into it completely with you.

He is fascinated by all the things you collect. He loves how varied they are and the skeleton with a moutache is his favourite. He was very excited when you whittled him a bear. You handed it to him and he just looked at it like 'woow this is awesome'. he keeps it in his room, pride of place.

He's more than happy to help you learn guitar, he gets so excited his tail starts swishing around. He passes you his guitar and sits behind you legs either side of you showing you a cord and then letting you practice. He'll kiss your neck or softly bite your shoulder every now and then. He'll rest his chin on your shoulder and watches. He smiles at how fast you are learning, his smile is gorgeous enough to make your heart melt for him, to forget completely what you were playing and you just smile back. Often this leads to you getting so distracted the guitar gets forgotten as he presses his lips to yours.

~

Written by Nyx