#I'm trying to hold out until full spoilers are out before making any new lists but I'm SO HYPE

[thewickedmerman]

Ranking Don Bluth's Movies

Okay, so I've recently been having some issues with making videos and until I can sort it out, I can't really get any new clips for videos. So that makes it harder for me to be able to talk about certain topics I want to discuss on YouTube. However, I really want to talk about this so I decided to make a post here on Tumblr and when I have my technical issues sorted out, I'll post a YouTube version. However, since I'm not playing a character on Tumblr, that means that this won't include my signature merfolk language like "mermazing", "What the Tartarus", or "Dear sweet Poseidon." But you can expect that in my video when I sort out my technical issues.

Anyway, as a long-time fan of animation, especially of 2D animation, I’m a pretty big fan of Don Bluth. Here’s a brief history lesson about this legend. He was a big fan of Walt Disney animation ever since he first saw Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs as a child and realized all he wanted to do in life was make animated movies. He managed to work at Walt Disney studios and even got to meet Walt Disney before he died, and he would end up leaving the company years after Walt’s death and taking several animators with him due to the disappointment in the company’s lackluster work with films like The Rescuers, Robin Hood, and The Aristocats. He made all of his movies with his friend, co-producer, and animator Gary Goldman. His company would ultimately fail due to financial issues, but his work did manage to force Disney to start uping their game and resulted in the Disney Renaissance. The whole history of Don Bluth’s animation career is really much more complex and extensive, so I highly recommend watching AniMat’s video series on the history of Don Bluth, which I will link down below. Trust me, it’s a great and educational watch that you should check out, after you read this post, of course.

While he sadly never managed to become the next Walt Disney, due to the failure of certain films and his company filing for bankruptcy, he has undeniably created movies that were a big part of many of our childhoods. Some holding up better than others. In this post, I will share my personal rankings. I’ll go over the plots of each movie in the order that they were released, discuss what I liked or disliked about the film, and at the very end of the video, I’ll rank them. First of all, don’t take my rankings too seriously. We all have our personal preferences for what makes a good movie and our own biases and personal experiences tend to influence how we will feel about a movie. This is just my opinion and if you disagree, that’s perfectly fine. Just don’t be an asshole about it!

Also, lets go over some guidelines. I only will be covering the movies that Don Bluth actually worked on, which means that sequels to his movies, apart from Bartok: The Magnificent, won’t be on this list. Besides, The Land Before Time sequels have enough movies to be on their own list. Let me know if that’s something you guys would be interested in. Secondly, they have to be full-length animated movies, so his animated shorts, Banjo the Woodpile Cat and Small One won’t be on this list. Lastly, he has to have actually directed the film, which means none of his work as just an animator or supervisor from Disney will be included. Also, this post WILL include spoilers. So don’t say I didn’t warn you. Now without any further delay, lets dive right on in.

The Secret of Nimh

The recently widowed Mrs. Brisby is trying to save the life of her youngest son, Timmy, who is sick with pneumonia and is told by Mr. Ages that Timmy can’t go outside at all or he could die. Things get complicated when the farmer decides to plow early and while Mrs Brisby and Auntie Shrew manage to stop it temporarily, it’s only a matter of time until he fixes it. So Mrs Brisby visits The Great Owl, with the assistance of Jeremy the crow, who informs her that the Rats of Nimh can help her. She gets the help of Mr. Ages and Justin, who are members of the organization, who help her meet Nicodemus, who gives her a magical amulet and has the rats help her move her house to where it’s safe. However, secretly there is a plan from the villain, Jenner, who wants to kill Nicodemus.

So as you can tell, a lot is going on in this movie based on my crude summary. But to be fair, it never feels like too much is going on to the point where the story feels messy. The story actually is very flowing and nothing feels crammed in, apart from Jeremy, who is the worst part of the movie and like everyone, I can’t stand him. He just reminds me a lot of comic reliefs from modern Disney movies who add nothing but bad and forced comedy. But apart from that, everything else feels organically woven into the story. It never feels like it’s too detailed because its knows what to keep vague and what to elaborate on. The score is epic and helps things feel grand. Not to mention the whole question of morality of the movie is very well done and complex but done in a way that kids can understand without talking down to them. It’s all very relevant in this day and age. I love the dark elements of the film, as it helps give it a lot of atmosphere. While I wouldn’t say that it feels like a movie that you could play on Halloween, it’s still a pretty dark film. Part of that is the designs of certain characters. I absolutely ADORE the design of The Great Owl. Just look at this guy! He looks so majestic and mysterious and it’s one of my favorite scenes in the movie, with my favorite being when Mrs. Brisby uses the stone.

Speaking of Mrs Brisby, she’s a really great and unique character. She’s not a heroine who has grand ambitions, but rather is a mother who just wants to exist enjoying life and for her kids to be happy and healthy. She’s timid and not the bravest but despite her fears is just willing to do whatever it takes to save her son’s life. She does get braver but it’s not to the point where she feels like she went through major character development. I kind of like that she gets to stay who she is. She’s a loving and caring person who doesn’t have to change who she is. She never stops being scared and doesn’t really gain any confidence but is just a likable and gentle character that will throw herself into danger if it means saving the ones she loves or even someone she just met like Jeremy. Although, I say she should’ve just let Jeremy die and put us all out of our misery.

The rest of the characters, apart from Jeremy, are also interesting and likable, even if they aren’t nearly as engaging as Mrs. Brisby. Even though Auntie Shrew and Mr. Ages are grouchy characters, it still comes from a loving place. The voice acting is top-notch, especially from Elizabeth Hartman as Mrs. Brisby, Derek Jacobi as Nicodemus, and John Carradine as The Great Owl. The animation is some of Don Bluth’s best work, especially with the scene where Mrs. Brisby uses the stone. You’ll be hearing me say this A LOT throughout this video, but Don Bluth’s animation is always so flipping gorgeous. This was clearly a passion project for Don Bluth and it really shows as he’s often referred to it as his favorite movie he’s ever made. While I wouldn’t say it’s my personal favorite, it’s definitely among some of his best. Sadly, I didn’t grow up with this movie and didn’t see it until I was in high school. However, I do wish that I had grown up with it because it’s a genuinely great movie and is better than anything Disney was releasing around that time. Hell, it’s better than most of the films Disney is releasing today.

An American Tail

Starting off in Russia with the Mousekewitzes, a family of mice that are clearly Jewish, celebrating Hanukkah. Unfortunately, the celebration doesn't last, as the mice are attacked by Russian cats that are not so subtle in their symbolism. After their home is destroyed, the Mousekewitzes immigrate to America where they believe there aren’t any cats. Unfortunately, Fieval gets separated from his family after nearly drowning. Having arrived in America, specifically New York, he sets off to find his family while meeting some colorful characters that either try to exploit him or help him find his family and discovering there are indeed cats in America.

So as you can probably tell, this movie is influenced by the treatment of immigrants that come to America to escape their problems only to find out that America is full of problems as well. It’s a very complex issue and while this movie mostly focuses on Fieval’s struggle to find his family, these issues are handled pretty well. It’s not afraid to show the harsh realities but also knows how to make it simple enough for the kids to digest it and help them learn more about it as they get older without dumbing it down or having nothing of value for adults. I didn’t grow up with this movie. I only saw it once on Cartoon Network when I was a kid and didn’t really watch it again until I was a teenager. But just like The Secret of Nimh, I wish I had grown up with it. I love how dark and serious this movie is without having to be so dull and lifeless.

While Fieval did cause his situation with deliberately throwing his hat on deck so he could see the fish during the storm, you can still sympathize with him. Yes, it was his fault, but he’s also just a kid that I’m guessing isn’t any older than seven in mouse years. He’s lost and alone in a new country where he doesn’t know anyone and has no idea where his family is. The emotions of his family are very strong as well, since all of them, apart from Fieval’s big sister Tanya, believe him to be dead. I love how this movie allows the emotional moments not to be interrupted by pointless comedy like a lot of movies nowadays.

This is the first Don Bluth movie that is a musical and I will be honest and say that while they’re good, they’re not great, apart from "Somewhere Out There", though I do prefer the end credit version sung by Linda Ronstadt and James Ingram. Not only because of their phenomenal vocals but also because the singing voices for Fieval and Tanya aren’t very good. While the child actors they got did a great job when it came to acting, they really should’ve gotten singing doubles for them because it makes it harder to listen to. The others have better singing in them, even if Fieval does still sing in "Never Say Never" and "A Duo". But they aren’t anything to brag about. Plus, "There Are No Cats in America" honestly does play into some ethnic stereotypes.

The villain, Warren T. Rat isn’t really anything great or even very interesting. He serves his purpose but he’s not gonna make a lasting impact. Plus, his little bug friend adds nothing and the two of them don’t have a very interesting dynamic. Luckily, the rest of the characters are likable. My personal favorite is Gussie. She’s very flamboyant and prissy but also cares about others and standing up for what is right, despite also being privileged. Showing that individuals are multi-dimensional. The animation is gorgeous (Though the rotoscoping is obvious), the action scenes are pretty intense especially when the cats are super feral and monstrous, the score is epic, and it will absolutely make you cry, especially when Fieval is reunited with his family. I love how soft and timid Fieval’s voice is with a twinge of hope that his family is really there when he hears their voices calling for him and his father playing the violin. It honestly gets me misty eyed and I have to fight the tears when he’s reunited with his family.

It should also be noted that this is one of the few times in animation where Jewish characters are portrayed as the heroes and not as a joke or villains with very Jewish features. Yes, you could argue that it’s not the best because of the fact that they’re portrayed as mice, but it’s nice to see them as a loving family and characters with fleshed-out personalities that aren’t just stereotypes. It’s a great movie and it’s clear to see why this is considered one of Don Bluth’s best films. It’s a classic for a reason.

The Land Before Time

Long before the double-digit sequels, with their light-hearted feel and musical numbers, was a pretty dark film devoid of musical numbers. And to make things easier, I won’t be referring to them by their scientific terms but instead the simple terms they were given in the movie. Anyway, it takes place during the time of the dinosaurs when the Earth was changing and the leaf eaters set out to find The Great Valley, a place unchanged and filled with fresh water and lush green food. Littlefoot, a young longneck, and Cera, a young three-horn get attacked by a sharp-tooth. They are saved by Littlefoot’s mother but it costs her, her life and Littlefoot must travel to The Great Valley and find his grandparents. Along the way, he meets Cera again, as well as a swimmer named Ducky, a flyer named Petrie, and a mute spiketail named Spike. They must try to find The Great Valley while trying not to perish from hunger, as well as not getting eaten by Sharptooth.

I’m not gonna lie, I grew up watching The Land Before Time films religiously as a kid. Anytime a new Land Before Time movie came out, I had to have it. But lets save my opinion on the other movies for another time. Lets face it, the original film is BY FAR superior to the sequels. First of all, this is one of Don Bluth’s best-looking films. In fact, I’d say it’s his second-best-looking movie. What’s his best-looking film? We’ll get to that later. The film manages to make the film look gorgeous, despite the fact that they’re living in a barren wasteland, which shows that you don’t have to make a film be brown and grey in order to make it look apocalyptic. But maybe that’s just one of the advantages of animation, specifically traditional animation. The Great Valley is absolutely GORGEOUS! I mean, the visuals are nothing short of spectacular. Not to mention the action scenes are absolutely phenomenal. By far the best action scene is the Sharptooth attack and when Littlefoot’s mother is battling the Sharptooth, especially during the earthquake. It was absolutely intense and I ADORE it for that. Not to mention the score for the entire movie is just epic and iconic.

Speaking of Littlefoot’s Mother, I was absolutely heartbroken by this as a kid and even now it makes me absolutely ball. I love how they really take the time to allow Littlefoot to properly grieve the loss of his mother with being angry about it, sad, depressed in an unhealthy way, finding comfort in her footprint, thinking he hears her voice (Though it’s arguable whether or not her spirit is actually guiding him), thinking for a brief moment that she’s still alive, and ultimately accepting the fact that she’s truly gone. It’s harsh but it’s important for kids to learn how to accept loss because they will inevitably have to face it.

While on the subject of Littlefoot, he’s always been one of my favorite fictional male characters. Part of this is also because of the sequels but in the original movie he’s just as amazing. I love how he acts like a real kid that makes mistakes and has flaws while still being a great leader with a strong moral compass. One of my issues with Arnold from Hey Arnold, despite my immense love of the show, is that Arnold after season 1 starts to become too perfect and helps others learn lessons but never learns a lesson himself or even gets grounded, especially in the last two seasons. Littlefoot is stubborn, can be sassy, is playful, strong-willed, fun-loving, and more so in the sequels can be surprisingly sarcastic. He has his doubts and can be a bit self-righteous at times but it’s never to the point where it’s unbearable. He’s just an overall fantastic character.

As for the other characters, part of the reason why this film works is because they’re all so likable and engaging. Ducky is absolutely adorable and endearing, which is helped by a pitch-perfect performance from Judith Barsi. Spike is so cute and lovable, which is odd, due to my usual hatred of characters who have eating be one of their prime characteristics but for some reason, he’s just so likable. I will admit that I prefer Petrie in the sequels, at least, in movies 2-6 like with most of the characters, but I still love and enjoy him in this movie. I just find him funny and I think part of that is his voice that just helps make him funny to me. Plus, unlike someone like Jeremy, Petrie is actually plot-relevant. But I do think that fake-out death of his was really unnecessary. As for Cera, I will admit that growing up, I absolutely couldn’t stand her. However, watching the movie again for my Don Bluth marathon, she actually grew on me. Maybe it’s because recently I’ve been seeing a lot of unlikable and poorly-developed characters but Cera just didn’t annoy me. Part of the reason is because, unlike say Isabela from Encanto, instead of it being a grown woman acting like an unbearable brat, Cera is just a child and unlike Sasha from the Barbie movie, she’s not like this because “Oh she’s a teenager,” especially when Cera isn’t a teenager, but because of her upbringing. Plus, unlike these unlikable characters, we do get softer moments from her sprinkled throughout the movie that don’t make her character development feel out of nowhere or half-baked and help her feel like a character with depth. While she’s still my least favorite of the five main characters, I do actually like her now.

I’m shocked about how short the film is, which comes in just a little over an hour. I feel like the film could’ve used twenty more minutes to help flesh things out. It manages to handle generational traditions and prejudice pretty well but I feel like that twenty minutes could’ve developed it more. The film was edited quite a bit and if you’re an average moviegoer and not someone who overanalyzes things like me, you won’t notice. However, if you are like me and notice details like that, it might bother you a little but you’ll still have a great time. I also felt like at times the narration didn’t need to be there. Such as after they were attacked by Sharptooth and were struggling to find The Great Valley or when Cera was having her self-pity moment. It’s not done to death and doesn’t feel pandering but they could’ve cut some of the narration. I absolutely love the friendship between the characters and it feels absolutely believable, even between Littlefoot and Cera with all their conflict. Yes, the film isn’t exactly perfect but there’s no such thing as a perfect movie. But it’s honestly one of my all-time favorite movies. I need animated movies to return to this kind of darkness.

All Dogs Go To Heaven

The film that got annihilated by The Little Mermaid and it’s clear to see why. But lets get into the plot. It’s about a German Shepard named Charlie Barkin, who is killed by his ex-business partner, Carface and goes to Heaven. However, Charlie doesn’t want to be dead and decides to re-wind his life watch to bring himself back to life and he shall remain alive so long as the watch remains ticking, otherwise, he’ll die and go to Hell because he can’t go back to Heaven. He then tries to get back at Carface with the help of his cowardly but loyal best friend, Itchy, by “rescuing” a little girl named Anne Marie, who can talk to animals that Carface has been using to win bets while also keeping her locked away in a room with minimal care. Charlie uses her for the same thing but is clearly nicer to her, though just to get into her good graces, but starts to form a bond with her.

As a kid, I was absolutely in love with this movie and would watch it constantly as a kid, especially the Heaven scenes. However, while I would still say it’s a great movie, I honestly don’t enjoy it nearly as much as I did as a kid. Part of that is because I really don’t care much for the characters, save for Anne Marie, who I’ll talk about in a little bit. Charlie, while not totally detestable, as he is given some soft moments, feels too harsh at times. His character development isn’t done well enough to make me root for him and for the things he’s doing, he needed some really amazing character development. Overall, the character is okay but he’s not that engaging or entertaining to watch, apart from a great vocal performance from Burt Reynolds. Itchy is entertaining and likable but I feel like in the second half he's forgotten about until Carface attacks him. Dom DeLouise gives a great performance but the character is missing something. He’s at least likable, even if I don’t exactly love him. Carface is an absolutely boring and generic villain that does nothing but get angry and shout. Nothing about him stands out and I tend to forget about him, even as a kid. Killer is just the typical incompetent villain lackey.

I also feel like the title is misleading, due to how we don’t really spend much time in Heaven or really talk much about it. With a title like "All Dogs Go to Heaven," you’d think that the film would be all about that. It feels like two completely different stories were put together and one overtook the dogs in Heaven plot. Plus, this film tends to just forget about things like the fact that Charlie is trying to lay low and keep Carface from finding him and Anne Marie but still promotes his name for his casino right in the same town. Carface never has any realization and we just cut to him assuming Charlie is alive and has Anne Marie without any build-up. Also, they established that the animals can’t talk to animals outside of their species but Charlie can talk to the Big Lipped Alligator? Also, the gator’s rat followers are clearly offensive and haven’t aged well. While the pacing isn’t horrible, it’s a bit messy.

The songs aren’t very good either, apart from "Let Me Be Surprised", "Soon You’ll Come Home", and the end credit song, "Love Survives." But the rest of the songs are pointless and not very pleasant to listen to. Part of that is because they’re mostly sung by Burt Reynolds, who just isn’t a singer. He sounds like he’s talk-singing and it’s not pleasant. Yes, he sang in "Let Me Be Surprised", but at least Annabelle, voiced by Melba Moore, could sing, which helped balance it out and it had fun lyrics. The lyrics in the other songs aren’t good and serve no plot relevance. Not to mention "You Can’t Keep a Good Dog Down" has a glaring racist moment. "Lets Make Music Together" has great singing and would be a good song on its own but it serves no purpose and gives absolute tonal whiplash. It’s no wonder this became a meme. "Soon You’ll Come Home", despite clearly not being sung by Judith Barsi, is the only song I love. But this movie clearly wasn’t meant to be a musical, since the songs feel tacked on.

Now you’re probably thinking I don’t like this movie but I actually still love it. Part of that is the atmosphere, especially when we’re in Heaven or Hell. Those scenes show off some of Don Bluth’s best work. It has a lot of interesting ideas like clocks representing the life of someone. Plus, the actual Hell scene was the stuff of nightmares and I love it for how dark and twisted it is. The animation is top-notch as always. I also love the relationships between the characters, Charlie and Itchy have a great friendship with amazing chemistry, which is helped by Burt Reynold and Dom DeLouise being best friends in real life. Charlie’s relationship with Anne Marie is also really sweet. And while the characters aren’t great, the situations are still fun with exciting action scenes. I also love that the movie had the guts to let Charlie die at the end and not find some way to bring him back to life without the watch. That’s really impressive that they let their protagonist die and I admire it for that, which leads to an ending that’s the most emotional part of the film. It has a lot of great things about it that lead to an overall enjoyable experience. It just needed to fine-tune those details. But it’s clear that cutting ties with Steven Spielberg and even George Lucas was a mistake on Don’s part.

However, while the film is still good on its own, Anne Marie is what elevates this movie into a great film. Without her, the film wouldn’t be half as enjoyable. Not only is she absolutely adorable but she’s the heart of the film. She’s sweet without being cloying, spunky without being a raging fireball, and smart but still realistic and naive. She was always a delight every time she was on screen and part of that is the perfect casting of Judith Barsi. She was amazing as Ducky but this is the role I tend to associate her with more. She gives it her all, even out-acts the adult actors, and becomes the stand-out performer. She’s honestly one of the great child actors and it’s really sad that she and her mother were murdered by her father. It honestly makes the ending all the more emotional for me. Also, while this is minor, I hate that she still ends up wearing those rags for the rest of the movie even after she gets so many beautiful new outfits. Let her wear one of those dresses. My personal favorites are her sailor dress and her fur-trim coat.

Rock-a-Doodle

While All Dogs Go To Heaven might’s had the warning signs to Bluth’s downfall, this was definitely the beginning of the end. But lets get to the plot, such as it is. A singing rooster named Chanticleer has the power to bring the sun up with his crowing but one day it comes up without him and his “friends" laugh at him. This was secretly the work of The Grand Duke of Owls who wants the world in eternal darkness so the light won’t hurt him or something. But it turns out this is all a storybook because we cut to live-action where a real boy named Edmond is being told the story by his mother. The rain is endangering Edmond’s family farm, so he calls for Chanticleer, which instead brings the Grand Duke of Owls who turns Edmond into an animated kitten so he can eat him for daring to try and bring back Chanticleer. But he’s saved by Patou, a basset hound that can’t tie his shoes and they set off to find Chanticleer in the city along with some other colorful characters because apparently the sun actually can’t come up without Chanticleer.

Yeah, that’s not all the details in this movie but the film is both too complicated and too simple at the same time. First of all, they never explain how the sun managed to come up that one time without Chanticleer and suddenly it can’t anymore. Or the fact that they don’t allow birds at the club but allow penguins, a type of bird. They have Goldie pretend to be in love with Chanticleer but then the next minute they reveal through narration that she fell in love with him for real out of nowhere. During the climax, Chanticleer reveals that he can’t crow anymore for some unexplained reason. The story is all over the place and feels like an acid trip, which is why they put in a lot of unnecessary narration from Patou, which gets annoying because it happens every few minutes. But all it does is annoy the audience and feel like you're being talked down to. The film is so unfocused and all over the place that I find it hard to even talk about it. Also, I find it really annoying how no one believes that Edmond is really a human boy turned into a cat by The Grand Duke of Owls. I mean, y’all know the villain has powers and yet you find it hard to believe that Edmond is really a human boy?

It doesn’t help that the characters are all either bland and boring or unbelievably annoying. Edmond is cloying with how precious he is and it doesn’t help that the actor can’t act and talks with a lisp. It’s odd because in the past, Don Bluth has been great at hiring talented child actors for his films. What happened? Snipes gets the silver medal for most annoying character with his obnoxious and chauvinist personality, Peepers is a smug and know-it-all brat, Patou doesn’t shut up with his narration, Goldie is bland with no real character, Chanticleer should be the protagonist but isn’t even really a character and is instead a plot device, and Hunch takes the gold medal for the most irritating thing from this movie to the point I’d rather be stuck in a room with Valentino from Wish, Ben from Treasure Planet, Fred from Big Hero 6, the Moose from Brother Bear, and even the entire cast of Home on the Range than deal with his idiotic antics.

The songs are also either unmemorable or awful, specifically the terrible villain songs. Yes, there’s more than one villain song. Even the animation, while great, feels like a downgrade and has such a childish feel to it. It’s almost like a more polished silly symphony. Not to mention the live-action scenes are so awkward with acting so terrible it’s giving background or minor characters from 7th Heaven. Yeah, it's that bad! You can tell that Don Bluth wasn’t comfortable with live-action because it really shows with this terrible framing device.

The only positives I can say about the film, apart from the animation and voice cast (Save for Edmon), is the first song sung by Chanticleer, even if it’s nothing spectacular, and The Grand Duke of Owls. He has some class, is decently threatening, and his lines are pretty good. Although, I would’ve loved if he looked more like The Great Owl from The Secret of Nimh. Though it’s silly how he gets yeeted by a flashlight. But overall, it’s just a terrible movie and clearly something you put on to keep your toddler quiet. It’s never engaging or exciting. They really should’ve used more of the structure and plot from the original Chanticleer play. Maybe I’ll do a rewrite of Rock-a-Doodle one day.

Thumbelina

Based on the Hans Christian Andersen fairy-tale of the same name, Thumbelina is about a girl no bigger than a thumb that was born from a flower to an old woman that longed for a child. Thumbelina longs to find people who are the same size as her and one night she meets and falls in love with the fairy prince, Cornelius. But before the two can live happily ever after, Thumbelina is stolen by Mama Toad, who wants to use Thumbelina’s beautiful voice to make money and force her to marry her son, Grundel, who is in love with her. Thumbelina manages to escape with the help of a swallow named Jacquimo. Meanwhile, both Cornelius and Grundel search for Thumbelina. All the while Thumbelina must find her way home to be reunited with both her mother and Cornelius while facing obstacles and learning her own self-worth.

This was a movie I watched A LOT as a kid and it honestly still holds a special place in my heart to this day. Is it flawed? Yes! The story is a bit too episodic, but to be fair, that’s exactly what the original story was like as well. Plus, I don’t hear people complain about that with movies like Alice in Wonderland, Pinocchio, and Moana. I do think it would’ve benefited from a couple of rewrites. But considering Don Bluth had to write the script within the span of a couple of weeks, I feel like he did pretty good, especially considering some other movies that had a lot more time that turned out terribly. Another issue is the designs of characters like The Gitterbugs and the animals on Thumbelina’s farm looking way too exaggerated and like characters from a pre-school book. I feel like this could’ve benefitted from Don Bluth’s early dark style, as it would make a contrast from the bright and happy world Thumbelina knew when she was with her mother and the beautiful night she spent with Cornelius to a world that she’s unfamiliar with.

However, it’s honestly a great movie in my opinion. I can forgive it having plot holes because of the fact that I can suspend my disbelief when it comes to fairy-tale movies where it runs off emotion rather than logic and is more impressionistic. So I don’t care that she randomly grew wings because it didn’t make much sense in the original tale either. Plus, she was created from magic, so whose to say she couldn’t just magically get wings?

Unlike Rock-a-Doodle and even All Dogs Go to Heaven, the characters in this movie are all great and entertaining. They’re just so memorable and fun to watch in my personal opinion. Mama Toad, Ms. Fieldmouse, The Beatle, Cornelius, and especially Thumbelina. I know a lot of people complain that Thumbelina just whined and didn’t really do anything. But considering the fact that she was taken away from her home, has never been out in the real world before, is constantly being accosted by someone, and is no bigger than a thumb, I’d say she has every right to complain and not to have much hope. Her journey is that people keep on telling her what to be and what to do and she has to learn to stand up for herself and find her own self-worth. Something many relate to and struggle with. Could it have been better? Yes! But I feel like it’s done pretty well. I relate to Thumbelina's struggle, due to my autism and how I often feel like there isn't a place for people like me in this world. So I can't help but root for Thumbelina and sympathize with her situation. But she isn’t just a stick in the mud. She's playful, bubbly, charming, sweet, and just so endearing, a subversion from her pessimistic outlook, making her unique. Part of why she’s so great is definitely thanks to the stellar performance of Jodi Benson, who also did the voice of Ariel in The Little Mermaid. Unlike Matthew Broderick as adult Simba from The Lion King, which came out the same year, Jodi Benson managed to help the character feel fleshed out and make her personality fly off the screen due to her prior experience instead of suffering from a flat performance.

I know a lot of people hate Jacquimo and I was ready to hate him too but he’s actually not bad. My only issue is the fact that he could’ve just flown Thumbelina home this entire time. He’s based on a character that didn’t appear until the last third of the story and even then, he didn’t fly Thumbelina home because she just completely forgot about her mother who’s worried sick about her and is never seen again. While it’s annoying how he meets her quite a few times and they never think to just have him fly her home, he’s not actually a bad character. He’s a helpful character that helps support Thumbelina, such as when she’s feeling insecure about her appearance, he reminds her it doesn’t matter what others think about her and that there are people who love her. I feel like this issue could be fixed if he injured his wing when they first met after trying to save her and therefore couldn’t fly her home. Plus, given all the terrible comic reliefs I’ve been seeing from Disney lately, he’s far less annoying and actually serves some purpose.

The only characters I’m not so fond of are Grundel the toad, Mr. Mole, and Thumbelina’s three jitterbug friends. The latter are just pointless and add nothing other than saving Cornelius when he’s frozen but they could’ve found another way to get around that. In the case of Grundel, he’s just not convincing as a villain and even makes Gaston look competent. He’d work better as a villain sidekick. I honestly think Mama Toad should’ve been the main antagonist with her son being a lackey. Sort of a Fairy Godmother and Charming from Shrek 2 situation. She’s far more entertaining and interesting and I wish we saw more of her. Same with Ms. Fieldmouse, who could be just as much of the villain as Mama Toad. As for Mr. Mole, he's just there and doesn't really do much.

The romance between Thumbelina and Cornelius is so cute! While I do think they should’ve had more of a conversation together where they get to know each other before the "Let Me Be Your Wings" scene, I do buy their chemistry. There’s at least more of a basis for their relationship than the Disney Princess couples from Walt’s time. Not to mention, this is a GORGEOUS-looking film! One of Don Bluth’s best-looking films. Yes, I’ve mentioned some designs are too childish looking and some CGI is very dated but the animation is still absolutely phenomenal. For the flying scenes, they took inspiration from ice skating, which explains how graceful and elegant they look. This movie takes my breath away, especially "Let Me Be Your Wings."

Speaking of which, the soundtrack absolutely slaps! The songs were done by singer-songwriter, Barry Manilow and he did a phenomenal job. The songs are entertaining, move the story along, and show how the characters are feeling. That is the purpose of a musical. Even with a song like "Yer Beautiful Baby," which doesn’t have good singing, it’s still entertaining to watch with its high energy. The best songs are definitely "Let Me Be Your Wings", "Soon", and "The Sun" but I love all of these songs. Well, except for "Marry the Mole." It’s infamous for being the only song from an animated movie to win a Razzie for worst original song and while it’s not good, it’s not that bad either. It’s okay and it being the only animated song to win that award means nothing when the Razzies no longer have that category and they are infamous for not even watching the films that they nominate. But apart from that one hiccup, the soundtrack is amazing and it’s impressive that he had no prior experience with musicals, especially given what happened with Wish, which hired pop artists to write the music and their inexperience showed. Disney needs to fire Lin Manuel Miranda and hire Barry Manilow. I could go on about how this film is an underrated gem but lets save that for another day.

A Troll in Central Park

In the world of trolls, where all trolls are mean, ugly, and hate flowers lives Stanley, a nice and rosie-cheeked troll that magically grows flowers with his literal green thumb. He was to be turned to stone by the evil ruler of the trolls, Queen Gnorga but is convinced by her hen-pecked husband to send him to a place where nothing grows. However, that backfires because he’s sent to New York City right in the middle of Central Park. There he meets and befriends a bratty little boy named Gus and his sweet little toddler sister Rosie. Gnorga learns how her plan backfired and sets out to destroy Stanley.

This tends to be Don Bluth’s most universally hated film and for absolutely good reason. It feels like it was written for a Barney the Dinosaur audience instead of for all ages. It’s absolutely pandering, has little to no plot, nothing really happens, a lot of jokes go on for way too long, and it makes up rules as it goes along like a preschooler at playtime. Stanley can grow plants that apparently are sentient but he can also transport them to a make-believe world with trolls like him and make Gus’ toy boat the size of a real boat? When Gus is turned into a troll by Gnorga, he has her ability to turn people to stone with his thumb and then when he’s back to normal can unstone Stanley? Gnorga can control Gus’ thumb when he’s a troll? Gus turns back to normal when Gnorga turns into a rosebush? Gnorga didn’t think to check where the place she was sending Stanley was before sending him there? If Stanley has these other magical abilities, why didn’t he leave the troll world? Oh my gosh! It’s an absolute mess and really feels like something meant to keep your toddler quiet.

It doesn’t help that the characters we’re following are absolutely unlikable. Stanley is absolutely annoying, stupid, and useless. He reminds me of all those annoying toxic positivity people in life that say if you just believe and be positive it’ll happen. It doesn’t help that he’s never any help until the climax but it doesn’t feel earned due to how pathetic he’s been. Gus is just an irritating and shrill little brat that would make even the most liberal person want to beat the hell out of him. Even his moments of being a loving brother to Rosie don’t help balance out his bratty moments because he’s just too annoying and unlikable. Rosie is just there and does nothing but be cutesy. While her cutesyness isn’t nearly as pandering as cloying as Edmond, she just adds nothing but to be captured by the villains. Speaking of the villains, they’re lame as well. Gnorga is basically like those villains you see in preschool shows that hate goodness and prettiness and love the nastiness but is a simpleton and a total clown of a villain you can’t take seriously. Her husband is just the pathetic henpecked husband who is totally incompetent and bad comic relief.

The songs all suck and feel like rejected songs from a d-tier preschool show. Childish, pandering, and sounding like the writers had less than a week to write the songs. How did we go from the bangers of Thumbelina to songs that make the soundtrack of Rock-a-Doodle sound like Beauty and the Beast?

The sad thing is that this movie, despite how dumb it is, actually had potential. I feel like it would’ve been interesting to have Gus be an orphan in the foster system that is jaded and pessimistic from life and he ends up meeting Stanley who is positive and naive and the two learned and grew from each other. Showing how both their world views have some truth to them but also are flawed. Maybe I’ll do a video where I do a rewrite of A Troll in Central Park. Let me know if that’s something you guys would be interested in. But as for this movie, I was embarrassed when watching it like I was watching something meant for toddlers.

The Pebble and the Penguin

Taking place in Antarctica, the Adélie penguins are preparing for a mating ritual where the male penguins present a pebble to a female penguin they fancy and if she accepts it, they mate for life. Our protagonist, a shy and stuttering penguin named Hubie, is in love with "the most beautiful girl penguin," Marina (The narrator’s actual description of her, not mine) and she seems to feel the same. However, Hubie can’t seem to get a pebble until one night he wishes on a star and an emerald cube falls from the sky. Unfortunately, an evil macho penguin named Drake is also after Marina’s flipper in marriage and tries to feed Hubie to a leopard seal. Hubie manages to escape but is lost at sea where he's captured by humans to be put in a zoo. He manages to escape with the help of a cranky and wise-cracking penguin named Rocko, who agrees to help Hubie get back home before the mating ceremony and they form a friendship along the way.

This was another movie that I watched a lot as a kid and enjoyed. However, unlike Thumbelina, it sadly doesn’t hold up at all. While it’s not bad, it’s just a mediocre mess. The movie was a production nightmare and it shows in the final product. This can definitely be seen in the writing with how it tends to skim over important details like showing Hubie getting captured by humans, how Rocko survived the killer whales, explaining the apparent magical powers of the pebble that can let Hubie see what’s happening with Marina back home only once and is never brought back up again, and the rules of the mating ceremony. Apparently, there’s a law that you have to choose a mate before the full-moon mating ceremony or you’re banished. It’s done to make Marina’s situation more dire but it just makes the world-building a bit ridiculous. The pacing is also all over the place, hence why the film has narration that works at the beginning and the end of the film but is constantly done throughout the film to the point it feels pandering and unnecessary because the film should’ve been able to show it by itself. It’s not nearly as bad as Rock-a-Doodle’s narration but it’s still really pointless. They even give Rocko the ability to fly at the end of the film but give no real explanation as to how this is possible. The only explanation is lazy writing.

Hubie is a really unlikable protagonist. He’s clearly only interested in Marina for her looks, is really selfish, doesn’t respect Rocko’s very clear boundaries, manipulates and lies to Rocko to get what he wants from him and faces no real consequences for it, is absolutely useless to the point he’s more of a damsel in distress than the actual damsel in distress, and actually held his breath until Rocko said he liked him like a spoiled 4-year-old. His motivations for wanting to be with Marina aren’t any different than Drake's. The only difference is that Drake is more up-front about it. I appreciate the representation of people with speech problems, as I myself struggled with that as a child, but the character is so unlikable that I can’t even appreciate it that much. While he’s not as bad as Stanley, he’s still a really terrible protagonist.

Marina is just there to be a love interest and to promote the film’s message that it’s not the pebble, it’s the penguin and that’s it. She’s a non-entity. She at least has a beautiful singing voice. Hubie’s three bird friends are pointless and add nothing to the story. You forget all about them until they pop up. The only good characters are Rocko and Drake. Rocko is really enjoyable with his tough and wise-cracking personality and we often feel his frustration with Hubie, given the fact that Hubie is awful. But their friendship isn’t convincing because it had terrible development, he hasn’t shown any signs of liking Hubie, and I just can’t imagine anyone actually liking Hubie. Drake is voiced by Tim Curry and that’s pretty much all you need in order to make a villain great. The character gives Gaston but a lot smarter and just has a lot of charm due to Tim Curry’s stellar performance. And it’s truly sad that the more appealing option is the villain.

The animation is still great, though there are times it’s clear that corners have been cut with some art cels not being finished and characters being frozen in frame. But the animation is still gorgeous to look at, especially the killer whale chase, which is really spectacular, especially with the way the orcas are animated. I also love the creativity of the opening sequence, "Now and Forever."

Speaking of which, the soundtrack is a banger. Barry Manilow returns to do the music for the film and I’m thankful for his contribution. While not as good as the songs from Thumbelina, this is by far the most enjoyable aspect of the film with songs that feel like they were made for Broadway. The only song I don’t like is "The Good Ship Misery." The melody isn’t very good, the vocals are too harsh at times, and is just meh. And while I don’t think "Looks Like I Got Me A Friend" works in the film, due to a lack of development between the characters relationship and Hubie holding his breath until he gets his way like a Karen is off-putting, the song is still really catchy and fun. But the rest of the songs absolutely slap! "Now and Forever", "Sometimes, I Wonder", and "Don’t Make Me Laugh" are bangers. If there’s any reason to check this film out, it’s just for the songs.

Anastasia

Inspired by the historical event of the real Grand Duchess Anastasia, our story takes place in 1916 when the Tsar Nicholas II of Russia is celebrating the 300 anniversary of the Romanov family. However, it’s interrupted by Rasputin, who places a curse to have Nicholas and his immediate family die. He’s successful in his mission, with the exception of the youngest daughter, Anastasia who managed to escape with her grandmother, the Dowager Empress Marie, and even caused Rasputin’s death. However, the two get separated and Anastasia gets amnesia. Ten years later, the Dowager Empress is offering a reward for anyone who can reunite her with the lost princess. Two conmen, Vladimir and Dimitri, who was also the servant boy who helped Anastasia and her grandmother escape, try to find an Anastasia look-alike in order to get the money and even have the music box that the grandmother gave Anastasia to help their con work. They come across an orphan named Anya, who looks just like Anastasia and is trying to find her family in Paris, which is where the Dowager Empress lives and they convince her that she could be Anastasia without telling her about their scheme. But it turns out that this is the real Anastasia. Meanwhile, Rasputin, trapped in limbo and literally falling apart, schemes to kill her so his curse can be fulfilled.

This is a movie I watched ALL THE TIME as a little boy and it actually got me interested in the history of the real-life royal family when I was a teenager. So don’t be surprised if my love for this movie shines through. During the 90’s many companies were trying to capitalize off the Disney Renaissance with very few being able to hold their own. This film was one of the exceptions and part of that is because of Don Bluth’s previous experience working at Disney. He knew what made it work and the lack of that magic during Disney’s Bronze Age was why he left Disney to begin with. However, he added his own signature touch to it, which I felt was missing in Thumbelina. This movie is definitely dark and not just because of the subject matter. I mean, you got the villain trying to kill off the protagonist by using the images of her dead family to make her sleepwalk to her doom. That’s pretty dark. I feel like Don Bluth is most comfortable with stories that are dark and I love him for that.

This is by far Don Bluth’s most GORGEOUS-looking film. Due to the fact that this was made with 20th Century Fox, he was able to have much more of a budget than he did with his past works and it clearly shows in every frame. This is arguably the most gorgeous-looking animated movie I’ve ever seen, though Klaus might be more beautiful. It’s a massive film with scale, stellar colors, mermazing character designs, and one of the most stunning animated sequences with "Once Upon a December." Not to mention, Anastasia has such an incredible wardrobe. Arguably the best of any animated heroine. There is some CGI in the film but I feel like it works to the film’s advantage, especially when it comes to the nightmare scene. It never really looks jarring to me and for the most part, blends seamlessly.

Anastasia herself is one of my favorite fictional characters and if she were an official Disney Princess, she'd be my second favorite after Ariel. I absolutely adore how sassy, snarky, and sarcastic she is. I look for opportunities to repeat a lot of her one-liners in real life. She’s one of the characters I credit for me being so damn snarky and sarcastic with an endless amount of sass. But she's also caring and kind to help balance her out and not feel like just a hothead. However, she clearly has her limits and isn’t afraid to call people out and I love her for that. She’s honestly the best protagonist of any Don Bluth movie, even better than Littlefoot.

The rest of the characters are also really likable. They are all entertaining no matter how little screen time they have, which is helped by stellar performances. I know a lot of people don’t like Rasputin but I honestly think he’s the best of all of Don Bluth’s villains. Yes, he’s comedic but I don’t feel like it’s ever to a ridiculous extent like Gnorga and her husband. Plus, despite his comedic moments, he’s actually legitimately intimidating and I can take him seriously as a villain. Such as the scene where he tries to have Anastasia’s family lure her to her death. Which is helped by an amazing design and a phenomenal performance from Christopher Lloyd. Bartok may not be necessary to the plot, but he’s a lot of fun and it’s nice to have a villain sidekick who is actually pretty competent and not an idiot. Plus, he’s absolutely quotable!

This movie also is able to hit you in the feels with scenes like the reunion between Anastasia and her grandmother. We see a jaded old woman that has dealt with loss and people trying to con her slowly start to let down her guard and realize that this woman is her long-lost granddaughter. The moment she calls Anya her Anastasia always gets me emotional.

The music is absolutely PHENOMENAL! This is the best soundtrack from any Don Bluth musical. I know that’s not saying much, considering the track record of Don Bluth’s musicals, but it’s really amazing. It even blows Thumbelina out of the water. Every single one of them are bangers and have a Broadway-style to them that I ADORE. The best songs are definitely "Once Upon a December", "Journey to the Past", and "In the Dark of the Night." The songs are all memorable, full of energy, and have great vocals, especially the songs sung by Liz Callaway and Bernadette Peters. The score is also brilliant, especially "The Prologue" and "The Nightmare." But then again, I’m a sucker for epic choirs singing in a score.

An issue I do have with the film is something a lot of people love and that’s Dimitri and his relationship with Anastasia. Now don’t get me wrong, they’re not bad and are still good but I feel like they were both rushed. They went from arguing, then the Learn to Do It musical number (Which didn’t focus on their relationship), he gives her a dress that she snarks on, she changes her hair and puts on a pretty dress, and suddenly they’re having feelings for each other. That was just an odd transition. I feel like they needed a scene before the waltz where they have a conversation and start to understand each other better before they begin to fall in love. It just makes Dimitri seem like he only started to fall for Anya because of her looks, which doesn’t make him or the relationship look the best. However, I do still enjoy Dimitri and the relationship. I just feel like they needed to develop the relationship a bit more. In all honesty, I would say it’s still the best romance from a Don Bluth movie, but the standards aren’t high there.

I also don’t like how Anastasia left her grandma when she had been looking for her family for so long only to leave her aging grandmother, who she only has so much time left with. It isn’t an awful decision but I do think they could’ve just had Dimitri move in with Anastasia and her grandmother and they could all be together. I know it implies that the royal life isn’t for Anastasia but still, I feel like they could’ve done better than that. But overall, this is honestly one of my favorite movies and much like Thumbelina, it captures the magic that’s been missing from a lot of Disney’s more recent movies.

Bartok the Magnificent

The only direct-to-video sequel that Don Bluth and Gary Goldman ever actually worked on, which is meant to be a prequel to Anastasia, focusing on Bartok. Supposedly taking place sometime before the events of Anastasia, Bartok is a con artist for his own personal circus with his partner in crime, a bear named Zozi. The royal advisor, Ludmilla, claims that the young Prince Ivan was kidnapped by the infamous witch, Baba Yaga. So Bartok, given all his false accomplishments, is sent to rescue the prince. He must accomplish three missions in order to save the prince. But Baba Yaga, obviously, didn’t actually kidnap the prince and it was really the clearly evil royal advisor, Ludmilla who wants the throne for herself.

The biggest issue this movie has is how it feels absolutely disconnected from the original Anastasia. This is meant to be a prequel but how long ago? Obviously, this takes place in a different time period but based on the fashion it’s so long ago that it’s clear that there’s no way Bartok would’ve lived long enough to be there during the events of the original movie. Not to mention that considering all he did to help Prince Ivan, it doesn’t seem realistic that he would one day work with a man who would plan to kill the royal family. I know people change but this is a pretty big leap with no real explanation. Plus, while there was magic and fantasy in the original movie, it still had a level of being grounded in reality. Whereas this movie is clearly meant to be more fantasy, campy, and clearly doesn’t take place in a world grounded in any form of reality. It just feels like two completely different worlds.

However, if you can manage to ignore those massive plot holes, it’s actually really entertaining and fun on its own. It’s nothing great but it has a lot of things going for it like enjoyable and interesting characters, a fun and whimsical look, jokes that are funny, pretty good action scenes, a good message of what’s on the inside that counts, and the quests that Bartok goes on (Even if a little repetitive) are still fun to watch. I feel like all the issues would be resolved if the protagonist wasn’t Bartok. Don’t get me wrong, I love Bartok and he might be my favorite character in the movie. But, unfortunately, his inclusion just gives the film continuity issues when it would’ve been better just to have the film be given a protagonist that was unique to this film.

The animation clearly is the weakest looking of all of Don Bluth’s movies, due to it being made for direct-to-video and not for the big screen. However, it’s still pretty good animation. Yes, there is a clear indication that corners were cut and the CGI is really dated and jarring, but it’s still pretty to look at and really plays into its more whimsical fairy-tale folklore look. Not to mention, the animators definitely had fun with the likes of Baba Yaga and Piloff, who are some of the best characters in this movie thanks to the voice acting, the animation, and good writing.

Ludmilla is an absolutely delightful villain. Yes, she’s power-hungry, selfish, and cares very little for those below her but it’s clear that she’s also frustrated with being bossed around and ignored by her boss, who is a literal child. Speaking of which, where are his parents? Anyway, I also love how Ludmilla clearly is on the brink of losing that last shred of sanity she has left. It makes it easy to believe that when she turns into a dragon, she’d go so insane she’d lose her ability to talk when she sees her new form. Plus, the performance by Catherine O’Hara is excellent, as usual. She just puts her all into any performance she gives and is just eating up the role deliciously, which makes Lubmilla so much fun to watch. I wish we got to see more of her.

While I do find Zozi entertaining, though that could be because of Kelsey Grammer’s performance, he doesn’t seem all that necessary. He doesn’t add much other than giving inspiration and motivation to Bartok. He’s fun to watch and I like his relationship with Bartok, but he doesn’t add much to the movie or have much of a point. Also, why bring Kelsey Grammer back to voice another character in this movie when he already voiced Vlad in Anastasia? Also, his design is a bit odd to me. It’s just a bit too cartoony for me personally. But maybe I’m just spoiled by the bears in Brother Bear, The Fox and the Hound, and the black bear from Balto.

The songs aren’t anything to write home about. The only songs I like are "Baba Yaga" and "Someone’s in My House", which are both pretty fun. As for the other songs, the lyrics aren’t anything special, the melodies don’t grab me, and are so mediocre that they make the songs from All Dogs Go to Heaven look like The Little Mermaid. But the titular song is definitely the worst, especially since Hank Azaria is no singer and makes it hard to listen to. Kelsey Grammer has a great voice but "A Possible Hero" is so forgettable. Catherine O’Hara has a nice enough voice, but the "The Real Ludmila" just isn’t it. It’s so unmemorable and nothing about it stands out to me. Plus, the imagery that likely inspired a lot of fetishist people on DeviantArt isn’t helping.

Overall, it’s not one of Don Bluth’s best works, but it’s still a good movie that’s a lot of fun and I can see myself revisiting it if I was in the right mood. Definitely check it out, since it’s a movie people tend to forget that Don Bluth and Gary Goldman made. But I can’t say you’ll fall in love with it and a lot of it will depend on how you felt about Bartok to begin with.

Titan A.E.

We’ve finally gotten to the last movie that Don Bluth and Gary Goldman ever made and boy was it a way to go out. In the year 3028, the human race is force to evacuate the planet due to the threat of the Drej, an alien race made of pure energy that end up destroying the planet. But before that, a young boy named Cale is given a special ring from his father, who is part of the government and didn't survive. Fifteen years later, the humans are living amongst aliens but aren’t given the best treatment. Cale has grown up to be arrogant and jaded. He’s confronted by Korso, who knew his father and tells Cale that the ring his father gave him is actually a map linked to his DNA and will lead them to the Titan, a secret project the humans created in order to make a new planet. So Cale, being forced to come along or be killed by the Drej, joins a rag-tag team to help save the human race while fighting off the Drej.

This is by far the most BORING Don Bluth movie ever and Don himself never wanted to work on the movie. He said himself that he didn’t know anything about sci-fi and wasn’t even a fan of it. But if he and Gary hadn’t done it, the animation division of 20th Century Fox would be shut down, which ended up happening with how the movie BOMBED. Neither Don or Gary were involved in the script and you can really tell, due to how lifeless this movie is. Nothing about the movie stands out because it’s dull as sandpaper and has no personality. A Troll in Central Park and Rock-a-Doodle are worse but at least they had personality.

Considering the troubled production history of this movie, it clearly reflects in the writing and what an absolute mess it is. First of all, the motivation of The Drej destroying Earth because they were afraid of what the human race would become is very flimsy. I know prejudice isn’t based on logic but this is just a weak reason. There’s a lot of things that don’t make sense like how Akima gets shot and then she’s just told she needs rest without anyone doing anything to fix her wound. It’s also really insane that the dad would give his son, who couldn’t have been any older than 6-years-old, a ring that was humanity’s last hope. First of all, ignoring the fact that a child that young is most likely to lose it, he basically just put a target on his son. Not to mention that despite it being fifteen years later, Cale is acting like the events just happened. Why is he asking for ketchup and complaining about his food moving when he should be used to eating the alien food and at this point wouldn’t even remember what ketchup taste like? Not to mention, are we really supposed to believe that characters would be dressing like this in the 3000’s? They look like grunge from the 2000’s. It’s just weak world-building.

Korso as a twist villain makes little sense because there’s no build-up. Why would he be trying to appeal to Cale’s humanity when he made it clear he didn’t care about humanity? This is a sentiment that Korso shares, so why not play to Cale’s ego and what he’d get out of it instead. Also, the way he gets caught because he was too stupid to make sure the door was closed is ridiculous. His redemption at the end wasn’t convincing in the slightest.

Speaking of Cale, he’s one of the most unlikable protagonists from a Don Bluth movie. He’s an arrogant jerk that just treats everyone terribly. I know that he’s been through a lot but he’s just too harsh for him to be likable. Not to mention he doesn’t even care about saving humanity but rather what he can get out of it. The rest of the characters aren’t very likable either. These are some of the most forgettable characters that you will ever meet. Akima is just the generic love-interest and a tough girl, Korso is dull, Stith is just a violent hothead and that’s all, Gune is just some pointless comic relief that isn’t even putting much effort into it, and The Drej are the most boring villains to ever exist. The only character I find to be entertaining is Preed, which is thanks to the fact that Nathan Lane is hamming it up a bit to make the character more interesting and fun to watch but not in a way that’s too over-the-top. The other actors play the characters too straight and that makes the characters too static whereas Nathan Lane adds some much-needed entertainment.

Speaking of the acting, this movie is proof why just because someone is a talented actor, that doesn’t mean they are necessarily good at voice acting. Matt Damon and Drew Barrymore are clearly talented actors, but their performances are too dry and lifeless. It feels like they foamed it in and their inexperience in voice acting clearly shows.

The animation is another issue. While the 2D animation looks amazing as always, due to the production troubles that caused a lot of people to get laid off, they had to cut corners by using CGI animation for backgrounds, special effects, spaceships, the Drej, and even spacesuits. At times, it can look nice, but most of the time it looks really dated. They don’t blend well at all and it’s just really jarring. The soundtrack is also odd with its very dated rock songs that don’t really match the tone of the film.

Something positive I will say is that I love that this movie actually has people of color in it. As you can tell from Don Bluth’s work, when he’s focused on humans it’s just been white people. Obviously, it still has a white protagonist but it also has an Asian leading lady with Akima and even shows both Asians and black people in the background. While it’s not groundbreaking representation, it’s still nice to see people of color in the Don Bluth style.

I will admit, I’m not the biggest fan of sci-fi, but I’m especially not a fan of the sci-fi that goes for a dull, lifeless, and apocalyptic look to it because it’s just boring and lacks any creativity. If you’ve seen my review of Lightyear on YouTube, you know why this isn’t a good idea for sci-fi. While this movie is a bit better than Lightyear, since we at least get to see some cool locations and the 2D animation is stunning, it’s still lifeless. I tend to prefer sci-fi that have more fun with their concepts like Treasure Planet, Lilo and Stitch, and Buzz Lightyear of Star Command or ones that combine fantasy with sci-fi like Atlantis: The Lost Empire or Winx Club. This movie has none of that passion or creativity. It’s clearly a by-the-numbers film that does nothing with its potential. I literally forgot about this movie after watching it and just remember how bored I was. It deserves to be known as the film that destroyed Don Bluth’s career.

The Rankings

Now that we’ve gone through all of the movies, lets rank them. As I’ve already mentioned, this is, of course, going to be biased, as it’s my own personal taste. And while I do encourage your all to share your opinions, don’t be rude about it or your comment will be deleted without hesitation. Now lets dive on into the rankings.

11. A Troll in Central Park

I would pay to have this movie erased from my mind Totally Spies style, despite the physical pain that would be inflicted on me. That’s how bad this is.  While it’s nowhere near one of the worst animated movies out there by a long shot, I was honestly embarrassed while watching this. The characters are unlikable, the songs are awful, the humor is stupid, the writing is terrible, the villains are lame, it’s unbelievably pandering, and feels like something you put on to keep your kids quiet for an hour and a half and not caring about them actually watching something with quality. If my wife and I ever decide to have kids, we aren’t letting them watch this. It’s absolutely putrid.

10. Rock-a-Doodle

This is honestly almost as bad as A Troll in Central Park. But this movie at least has an entertaining villain and one good song, which makes it marginally better. However, the characters are either bland or annoying, the other songs range from forgettable to awful, the story is a horrible mess, the comedy sucks, the live-action scenes are painfully amateur with terrible acting, and the narration is insufferable. Phil Harris deserved better than for this to be his final movie role.

9. Titan A.E.

While not awful like the other two, it’s still pretty bad. I’m not into this kind of gritty Sci-Fi, the characters range from forgettably boring to just annoyingly unlikable, the CGI is heinous, the story is dull and unmemorable, it’s clunky, and just so boring that my wife struggled to stay awake during it. It’s just a bad movie and I hate that this was the last film that Don Bluth ever made because it destroyed the career of a great artist. But Nathan Lane was a delight, as always.

8. The Pebble and the Penguin

It’s sad that a movie I enjoyed so much as a kid really doesn’t hold up. While the songs slap, the animation is gorgeous, and both Rocko and Drake are enjoyable character, everything else is a mess. Hubie is absolutely unlikable and can’t take care of himself, Marina is a non-entity, the other characters are pointless and useless, the narration is pandering, the story is a mess, the friendship between Hubie and Rocko isn’t believable, and while it’s not a bad movie it’s mediocre at best. But there’s at least a level of entertainment to it, unlike the ones lower on this list.

7. Bartok the Magnificent

This movie isn’t anything great but it’s still a lot of fun and an overall good film. While the animation clearly isn’t as strong as the other Don Bluth movies, due to it being a direct-to-video project, it’s still pretty good and has a lot of creativity. The characters are likable, the villain is fun, the story is engaging, two songs are good, and it has a good message. Its main issue is that the inclusion of Bartok, while a great and entertaining character, causes a lot of plot holes in this film and the tone of the film being totally different from its predecessor. But if you can turn your brain off and ignore that, it’s a pretty fun time on its own. I do wish Ludmilla had more screen time and that the songs were better.

6. All Dogs Go to Heaven

If my younger self was making this list, it would’ve been higher than this but there are some glaring issues. The characters aren’t that engaging, there are only two good songs in a movie that clearly didn’t need to be a musical, the villain is boring, and we really don’t get to see much of Heaven. However, it’s still a great movie with a lot of merits. The animation is gorgeous, the story we get is fun and engaging, the relationships are great, it manages to get me of all people to cry, it had the guts to kill off the protagonist, and Anne Marie is an absolute delight that elevates this movie from a good film to a great film. Plus, while I don’t enjoy it nearly as much as I did as a kid, it still holds a special place in my heart.

5. Thumbelina

Call me blinded by nostalgia all you want but I think this is a genuinely great movie. Yes, the writing isn’t the best and it clearly needed a rewrite or two. However, the film we got is still amazing in my opinion. Thumbelina is an engaging and charming character, Cornelius is a dashing and likable love interest, the romance is good, the characters are a lot of fun, the animation is gorgeous, and while "Marry the Mole" isn’t a good song, the rest of the soundtrack is an absolute banger. To me, it’s a classic and it actually has more of that Disney magic than the films Disney’s releasing nowadays. And if my younger self had made this list, this film would’ve been in the top 3.

4. An American Tail

I didn’t grow up watching this movie but I honestly wish that I did because it’s an amazing film. The characters are likable, it has a great message, the family aspect is strong, it does a good job tackling some serious issues, the animation is gorgeous, the humor is funny, the action is engaging, and it’s very likely to get you emotional, especially by the end of the film. While the songs, apart from "Somewhere Out There," aren’t anything great, they’re still pretty fun to listen to. The villain isn’t anything memorable but he serves his purpose.

3. The Secret of Nimh

I know a lot of you will end up coming for me for not having this as number one but I just don’t enjoy it as much as my top 2. The characters are likable, the story is engaging, the animation is gorgeous, the action is exciting, the hero's journey that Mrs. Brisby goes on is unique, the atmosphere is enticing, and while the villain is a bit generic he’s still fun for how devious he is. But Jeremy is absolutely annoying and I genuinely wanted Dragon to eat him. Much like An American Tail, I didn’t grow up with this movie, but I wish that I did. I can see why people consider it to be Don Bluth’s magnum opus.

2. The Land Before Time

What can I say? It’s one of my all-time favorite movies. The animation is absolutely stellar, the action scenes are intense, the characters are amazing, the friendship between the characters is spectacular, it doesn’t talk down to its audience, its aged like fine wine, Littlefoot is one of my favorite fictional male characters, and the death of Littlefoot’s Mother still makes me cry at the age of 30. If you haven’t seen it, you are missing out. This movie is iconic and it’s clear to see why it spawned so many sequels, even if only movies 2-6 are good.

Anastasia

I mean, is anyone really surprised here? I absolutely ADORE this movie. It feels like a Disney Princess movie from the Renaissance era but with Don Bluth’s own signature dark edge. Anastasia herself is one of the best fictional characters EVER, the songs are amazing, the animation is one of the most beautiful looking animated movies ever (If not THE most beautiful), the characters are likable, it gets me emotional, the action is awesome, the villain is great, and is just an all-around phenomenal movie. While I do feel like Dimitri and his relationship with Anastasia could’ve been A LOT better, they’re still pretty good.

And those were my rankings for Don Bluth’s movies. These films, even the bad ones, make me truly miss 2D animation. Lets hope that Don Bluth eventually gets to release his film version of Dragon’s Lair. At least it would give him the chance to end his film career on a better note than Titan A.E. and it would be nice to see a 2D film in the movie theater again. With computer animation being the dominant animation nowadays, traditional animation has pretty much become an endangered art form that thrives in television and independent projects. However, I’m hoping that there will be someone who will challenge Disney the way Don Bluth did. Yes, that would be difficult but it’s not impossible. After all, they had no competition in animation before Don Bluth, and had he not challenged them to do better, we wouldn’t have the Disney Renaissance. We can’t let 2D animation die because there’s a beauty to it that can’t be captured in 3D. If Don Bluth could manage to challenge Disney and force them to do better, who’s to say that someone else won’t do that as well and revive traditional animation?

So what did you guys think? Did you agree with any of my choices? What are your rankings for Don Bluth’s films? Let me know in the comments below. Let me know. Please like, comment, reblog, and follow me if you haven't already.

[magnificent-nerd]

What’s his name, Marvel?

Image description: actor Haaz Sleiman, slated to appear in movie Eternals.

(NB: For the record, any of my criticism on this post is directed to Marvel Studios and Disney, not to the actor Haaz Sleiman (pictured above) nor Eternals co-star Brian Tyree Henry, whom I wish nothing but the best for.)

Now, I have some marketing moans about Eternals from Marvel studios.

It is August, 2021. 

There's been a buzz about the MCU's "first openly gay character" recently (how dare y'all disrespect Gay Joe Russo like that), and that the character, Phastos (played by Brian Tyree Henry), will be shown in the movie to be married to another man (played by Haaz Sleiman).

The MCU's first gay couple, as Marvel studios themselves keep touting.

Anyway, I wondered to myself: what's the husband's name?

So I set to Google.

I Googled the cast list for Eternals, and this a screenshot from today of the lower end of the results:

Image description: Eternals cast list from Google, where actor Haaz Sleiman is listed as “Phastos’ husband”.

Ah, no name. 

The text under the actor's name simply says "Phastos' husband".

Okay, so I went next to IMDB, to search the 'full cast and crew' section, of which there is only 19 listed as of today (and I'd expect that list to grow after the movie releases).

IMDB screenshot:

Image description: IMDB listing for Eternals, actor Haaz Sleiman has no character name listed.

These are the bottom four results on the IMDB listing, and Sleiman's "Husband" doesn't even have the word husband listed.

Below him is a named character, Karun, and two 'uncredited' characters such as 'Girl' and 'Passerby'.

Um... Right.

Now, I'm not trying to be difficult. I just want to know what this guy's name is. I also want to know: why isn't his name listed? Why isn't it easy to find?

I've browsed Google for articles on this nameless husband for the past half an hour, and the only sparse information I can find is seemingly one interview/quote that the actor (Haaz Sleiman) has given, stating that his character and Phastos share an onscreen kiss.

That's great, but what's his name?

I'm getting the impression that Husband (we'll have to just call him that for now) isn't going to have a prominent role in this movie, considering he's nameless and so far down on cast listings.

Just one up from 'uncredited', basically.

News outlets refer to his character as "Phastos' husband" only. Withholding a character's name makes no sense, unless that name/character themselves is a spoiler.

Yet... I'm not really getting that vibe from Husband, I'm getting more of a walk-on role vibe from him/this character. And if that's the case, his name won't be a spoiler, so why isn't is more widely available?

Leaving him nameless while also watching Disney/MCU pat themselves on the back for this gay rep onscreen feels disrespectful to his character.

Is he a well rounded character, or a nameless walk-on with one line?

All we know is from Sleiman's direct quote: "I'm his husband, I'm an architect, we have a child."

That's great, but did Disney give you a name?

Sigh.

I'm really trying to reserve my judgement until the movie is out (we may have to wait until 2022 if it gets delayed), and I'd love to be pleasantly surprised...

But then I remind myself this is DISNEY and Disney's track record with LGBT+ rep has often been hyped up only to fall flat and ring hollow when actually seen onscreen.

See the afore mentioned Gay Joe Russo in Avengers Endgame (2019), and LeFou's "exclusively gay moment" which was more like a vaguely gay nanosecond in Beauty and the Beast (2017). Hardly great rep.

And another barely there moment (two seconds, was it?) in Rise of Skywalker (2019) when two women share a kiss (Commander Larma D'Acy kisses her pilot wife Wrobie Tyce) in celebration at the end.

I rather fear we're going to get another two seconds, blink and you'll miss it, kiss between the two married men in Eternals.

Disney is putting so much emphasis on any visibly gay couple being MARRIED in order to kiss (while Hetero characters kiss and more without being married), attempting to package their gay characters as homely, 'respectable', and more palatable to a Het audience, but if one of these characters doesn't even have a name then how is it any better or more meaningful than the nanosecond that 2017's Beauty and the Beast served up?

How is a character going to matter when he doesn't even have a name? You're trying to tell me he'll be important to the story, to audiences? Doesn't seem like it from here.

Now, I'd love to be pleasantly surprised.

I'd love to see this character in Eternals get a name other than "Phastos' Husband" (I'll be keeping an eye on listings for a name, too.) I'd love to see him have lines, I'd love to see him onscreen generally. 

I want to see him matter.

As always, Disney wants us to 'wait and see', a line they often feed us when it comes to MCU characters.

Disney knows queer fans are here, they prove that enough by leaning into queerbaiting with their marketing (Bucky Barnes, and more recently Loki have suffered from this) but Disney rarely delivers anything satisfactory.

Writer Russell T. Davies, of fan favorite show Torchwood, recently said that Disney's attempts to show Loki as bi were "a feeble gesture". (He's right and he should say it.)

I'm not exactly holding my breath with Disney here, but I'll wait until I see Phastos and Husband for myself before I decide if it's any good or not.

Or if this poor dude ever gets a name.

In the meantime, all I want to see is Disney treating this supposedly ground breaking new character with the same respect as the other cast: list his name.

List his name with the rest of the main cast.

It shouldn't be this difficult to find out a character's name in a major movie, and especially not if the studio is making a big deal about the character being there, giving themselves points for rep.

If that name is out there somewhere (I gave up looking, it shouldn't take longer than thirty minutes to locate a name for God's sake), then it needs to be made more prominent so fans can find it.

Google and IMDB would be ideal places to have the character name listed.

If IMDB can list 'Girl' and 'Passerby' onto the uncredited roles, then we should also have a simple NAME for this Husband so we can start using it.

What's his name, Marvel?

~*~

Do YOU know what Husband's name is? Tell me!

#PhastosHusband

Originally posted on my blog, magnificentlynerdy.blogspot.com

[nissastewardofelements]

Literally so obsessed with today's ixalan spoilers.... Green flip card is gonna be so useful 😍😍😍

[snarkwrites]

ssw | juice ortiz ; when he can't go any deeper | m

Notes:

Okay so here's the thing.. This is a bit of a glimpse into the future / what if for a fic I'm about to start writing.. well, re-writing. Despite me knowing jack fuckall about strip clubs / exotic dancing / how to describe someone giving or getting a lapdance or pole work, I got the idea to have Hazel working two nights a week in a club, idk why.. Anyway.. The idea wouldn't leave me alone so here we are, loves.

Also.. I'm no longer just dipping my toes in the filth pool anymore. I went all in with this, oops rip. If anyone wants me to actually write the fic I have in mind for this... Pls.. I beg.. LMK.

Prompts:

taken from either [ HERE ] or [ HERE ] give or take. It could be one or the other or a mix of both at my own choosing.

kiss me up against the wall // moan my name as you come // when he can't go any deeper. - those were all the inspiration / prompts for this.

Fandom / Character:

Sons Of Anarchy / Juice Ortiz x Teller Morrow!OFC, Hazel

Fics Hazel can be found in:

None..Yet.

** the one I've used her in is being discontinued to do a rewrite.**

Warnings:

No minors, full stop. There is NSFW / adult content ahead. If you're underage, this was not meant for you -nor should you be reading this. If you choose to stick around after my warnings, this is strictly a you thing and it's not my problem or fault.

If you choose to go on and read this, these are the things present you need to be aware of: stripper!ofc - I admit.. I really am not too sure on how strip clubs operate, so.. if I'm wrong, sorry. lap dancing. thigh riding. body fluids tw. unprotected sex. That's pretty much it.

Tagging:

@brithedemonspawn

@chasingeverybreakingwave

@kyleoreillysknee

@sassymox

@twistnet

Other Stuff:

[ ABOUT MY WRITING | TAG LIST DOC - IF YOU WANT TO BE TAGGED, THAT IS. | FANDOMS I WRITE FOR]

I swear I wanted to melt into the floor when I happened to glance out in the crowd and see Juice Ortiz sitting in the back with his eyes glued to the stage. I froze where I stood behind the curtain peering out and for a good five seconds, I heavily contemplated just bolting out the back door of the club.

But if I did that, I’d be out of the killer tips I’ve been told I could get dancing at this place. I wouldn’t have an outlet to express myself freely, either.

,, I had to know this would happen sooner or later. Charming is a small town and the guys from Samcro do come to this club. Even taking the audition and showing up tonight was me, taking a huge risk… So I had to know this would’ve happened at some point if I actually get the gig.” the thought came and I took three deep breaths. The hope was that I’d center myself.

Spoiler alert… it did not happen.

But I did catch sight of a brunette wig. And I convinced myself that between the wig and the dim lighting and the fact that Juice was so far away from the front of the club where I’d be dancing on the stage, he wouldn’t figure it out.

I’d just finished putting on the wig when the club owner cleared his throat and nodded to the curtains in front of me. “You’re up, kid. Do this right and Tuesdays and Thursdays are yours. Fuck it up and you can forget ever getting a chance to try again.”

I scoffed at him for a second or two but he stared me down, humorless.

My favorite Motley Crue song began to play and I stepped through the curtain. Out onto the stage and just as I did, I happened to see that prick AJ Weston and the guy who bought one of the shops downtown making their way to the table right in front of me.

My stomach dropped.

Those cold and emotionless eyes locked on me and he smirked. Nodding to me and leaning in to the shop owner. His best buddy or whatever. I don’t try and keep up with whose pissed off my father day by day, so I didn’t exactly know names.

All I did know was that for whatever reason, my mother’s scared to death of AJ Weston. She thinks she hides it, but she doesn’t. And my mother is not a woman who scares easily.

Suddenly, my biggest worry wasn’t Juice sitting in the back of the club anymore. It was the prick sitting right in front of the stage. I strutted out on the stage, not bothering to make eye contact with AJ Weston, no matter how hard I could feel him staring at me, willing me to do so. I tore off the cropped leather jacket I wore over my favorite red lace bra and after twirling it in the air a time or two, I tossed it onto the stage, hitting the floor. Writhing. Arching my back and crawling around, whipping my hair around to the song playing. I kept away from the center of the stage because I did not want to lock eyes with AJ Weston. I literally had zero desire.

The crowd was starting to get into it. I started to feel that rush like I used to feel when I danced in Las Vegas. I completely forgot about AJ Weston, thankfully. And what started off as a bumpy dance got smoother. Even more so when I found myself searching the crowd. Finding Juice in the back and locking eyes with him. That seemed to cut out a lot of my nervousness.

My hands drifted down my body, and I caught myself pretending they weren’t my hands but Juice’s. Just the thought of him feeling me up, his hands pinning my hands over my head. Pressing into me. The way he’d feel strained against those baggy jeans when he bucked against me in the heat of the moment. I used my dirty mind to fuel the dance. Letting my hands wander down to the waistband of my leather pants, working them down.

The crowd was really getting vocal now. They usually do when the clothing starts to actually come off. My stomach fluttered nervously when I locked eyes with Juice in the back of the club and I actually saw the way what I was doing on stage was affecting him.

He sat up a little straighter in his seat. Spread his legs a little. Squirming around. He nursed a glass of whiskey and his eyes wandered up and down my body slowly. When I hit the floor and started to writhe around, my back arching and my ass up in the air, he bit his lip. Watching intently. Rubbing his chin in thought.

Out towards the front of the club, right in front of me, I heard AJ swearing. Laughing out loud. I wanted to strangle the asshole, especially when he really got started with all his stupid filthy commentary as if he were mocking me, as if he were somehow better than this place even though he was willingly sitting here, of his own volition… But I went back to blocking him out. Focusing all my attention on Juice all over again instead.

Imagining what I’d do if I truly had half the nerve. What I’d let him do to me if I weren’t so damn afraid of falling in love with a Samcro man.

Because if I were going to love one, I’d choose him. Hands down. If I were ever to settle, I’d want to settle with Juice Ortiz.

My song was nearing an end. My dance was slowing down. I made my way up the pole again, grinding it as I inched up it. Slowly. Seductively as I could... Eyes locked on Juice the entire time as I flipped myself upside down and started to wind around the pole, spinning slowly with my arm outstretched as the other arm gripped the pole to hold myself. And just before the official end of my song, I dropped to the ground, crawling away from the pole. Towards the front of the stage, bolder. Getting closer in the hopes I could at least get a little better look at Juice’s face because I was dying to see the expression on it right now.

I smirked in his direction and gave a teasing wink as I pulled myself off the floor and slunk towards the red velvet curtain separating the back of the club from the front.

“Stormy Knight, ladies and gentlemen. If anyone wants the VIP experience, find Vinnie.” the announcer called out over the rowdy crowd. I was just about to reach for the doorknob on the door that lead into the dressing room when a throat cleared behind me.

“Not bad, kid. If you can bring that every single Tuesday and Thursday, gigs yours.�� the club owner was standing there, smirking. He almost looked like he felt bad for doubting me in the first place. He added casually, “Had three guys come to me about VIP dances. I usually leave all that to my girls to work out. That’s extra dough in your pocket, makes no difference to me. I know half of ya have extra mouths to feed.”

I eyed him, my mouth falling open.

“Three guys? Like.. altogether?”

“No, no.. Two were together. One was by himself. Belonged to one of the MCs. Just do me a favor and at least attempt to obey club rules, kid. Don’t go gettin knocked up on the clock.” the man laughed and I took a deep breath.

At best, I figured that the biker in question was probably one of the Mayans I’d seen sitting towards the middle of the club.

I was pretty damn sure I knew exactly who the two men were and after mulling it over because it seemed as if my new boss was awaiting a decision from me, I decided I wanted no part of the risk of having to give AJ Weston and his slimy friend a private show.

“I’ll take the biker tonight, man. I’m not feelin up to a three way.”

The owner nodded and mused thoughtfully, “Good idea, kid.. That one guy out of the two of ‘em looked like his elevator didn’t go all the way to the top floor. I’ll go get your biker and bring him back. You got room 3. That was Gina’s old room.” before walking away, disappearing out into the front of the club again.

“Please god… at least let it be the J.D Pardo look alike if it’s one of the Mayans.” I muttered to myself, not daring to get my hopes up that it’d be Juice.

A throat cleared from behind me. I nearly shit myself when I heard Tig Trager mumble with a laugh, “Okay Ortiz. Go get your girl.” before walking away. I did not dare turn around until I knew Tig was long gone.

“Stormy, huh? That’s one hell of a name, baby girl.” he mused aloud.

I turned around slowly. Found myself body to body with him. He was staring down at me intently, licking his lips. Chuckling as he shook his head and leaned in a little closer to whisper, “Does daddy know you dance, Hazelynn? Because if he’d been here… Seen all that…” he fanned himself and gave me a teasing smirk.

My mouth dropped open.

“How? How’d you know?” I stammered out.

“I saw your car parked outside… Life pro tip, princess.. If you wanna keep this a secret, I’d suggest parking around back. Or catching a ride. Because your car? Kind of hard to forget.” Juice’s hand settled on my hip and he pulled me just a little closer. His eyes dipped down, settling on my lips, a quiet groan coming when his intent stare made me lick my lips and fidget a little.. Melting against him a little before I could stop myself from doing it. Giving a sheepish laugh as I glanced up at him.

“Your secret’s safe with me. Relax.” he chuckled. He must have felt how tense my body was as I pressed against him. I let out a shaky breath. Parts of me wanted to ask the logical question, if he came here a lot, but also, at the same time parts of me definitely didn’t want to know. Those parts of me knew that if I did ask and he said he did, I’d get just a little jealous. Because it already happened whenever I’d see him at the bar and he’d have Croweaters flocking to him.

“Guess I owe you a VIP.” I teased gently, nodding towards the door with the gold star and the black number 3 painted on it. I reached down, grabbing hold of his hand, starting to lead him in the direction of the room.

“If you don’t wanna do this…” Juice frowned slightly and acted like he was going to walk away, but I stopped him. Made him look at me.

“It’s fine. It’s part of the job.” I gave him a reassuring smile as I opened the door to the room, stepping inside. Letting him step inside.

He closed the door behind him and we found ourselves body to body all over again. He muttered quietly, “Confession… I saw that Weston asshole and his idiot friend talking to the owner about a VIP dance with you so I went over and offered more money.”

Between the goofy little shit eating grin he gave me as he said it and the fact that he did that because he knows the guy creeps me right the fuck out, I was blown away. Before I could stop myself, I rose to tiptoe, gently pressing my lips against the corner of his mouth. “You’re an actual angel come to Earth, sir. You have definitely earned that dance.” I muttered softly as I pulled back to look up at him.

He bit his lip and my eyes followed the movement helplessly.

If I thought I was making myself wet on stage with my own dirty imagination, it was nothing compared to how wet I got when I locked eyes with him and realized that he was fully aware that I’d been staring at his mouth like a proper idiot.

I stepped close to him again and placed my palm on the front of his cutte, gently shoving him so that he settled in the chair right behind him.

Right away, his hands went to my hips. I lowered my hands, pushing his hands back down as I shook my head. “No touching. Club rules, Juice.”

“Oh, yeah. Yeah, sorry.” he gave an awkward laugh and I giggled softly. Sinking down into his lap slowly.

Maybe I was slightly exaggerating out in the hallway when I told him I could do this and made it seem like it wasn’t a big deal. The second I settled in his lap and started to grind against it, I could feel myself dripping just a little more. I rose up slightly and he sucked in a breath. His knuckles went white with the way he was gripping the arms of the chair. His eyes were absolutely glued to me and I smirked. Teasing a little. Acting as if I’d take off the cropped leather jacket over my bra only to pull it back up.

The third time I did this, he growled quietly. Bucked himself against me. When I whimpered and grinded myself down harder against his lap, he muttered in a heated whisper, “You feel what you’re doing to me right now, baby girl?”

Oh. I felt it alright. The way he strained at his jeans, cock still twitching and growing harder and harder. The little friction I was allowing myself wasn’t enough. My cunt was throbbing and I was getting so wet that I was pretty sure when I finished giving him his lapdance the poor guy was going to have a wet spot on his jeans.

“Mhm.” I answered in a daze, leaning in so that my lips brushed against the shell of his ear and my tits rubbed right against him. He whimpered and bucked into me all over again and when I slipped out of his lap, he frowned. I hit my knees, parting his legs. Staring up at him from where I kneeled on the floor and he shifted in his seat, gripping the arms of the chair tighter when I started to rise up. Swaying my hips side to side. Leaning in. Rubbing against him as much as I could get away with. Oh, I was definitely using this little VIP dance he paid for as an excuse to do as much touching and teasing as I thought I could get away with.

All those urges to touch him I normally kept at bay were finally being allowed free reign and it felt so good.

I settled on his lap again. He let out a long and shaky breath and we locked eyes. He was staring at me like he wanted to ask me something or he wanted to say something but he wasn’t sure how.

“What’s up?” I asked quietly.

“Nothin, it’s nothin.” he said it quickly. Too quick. I gripped his cutte and pulled him in closer. My mouth inching dangerously close to his as I muttered against it, “Whatever you want to say, say it. Trust me. I can handle it.”

“Okay, you asked for it.” he muttered. After a second or two of staring at his lap, he looked up at me again and asked quietly, “Did you wanna dance for me?”

“I got the owner to come get you, didn’t I?” my heart was beating faster. I thought it’d jump right out of my chest. I did my best to play as cool and casual as I could but every single part of me wanted to tell him that dancing was not all I wanted to do for him.

“I know that… what I mean is.. Forget it.” he went quiet. Looked down again and I gripped his jaw, making him look up at my face. “Eyes up here, Ortiz.” I teased gently, my smile falling away when I saw the serious and somber look in his eyes. I scooted away a little, an attempt to give him some space. Settling myself over his thigh instead of fully positioned on his lap as I had been.

“Talk to me.” the words left my mouth in a whimper as I pressed myself right against his thigh, rocking my throbbing sex back and forth over it. Getting wetter and wetter with each second that passed. And the ache. Oh god, the ache. I was on the brink of frustrated tears. And I couldn’t break down, I couldn’t act anything less than totally professional, because this was my night job and I was on the clock but God.. did I ever want to.

He spread his legs wider and took a deep breath. Trying not to touch me, but I could tell with the way he kept raising his hands only to put them back down on the arm rests of the velvet covered chair he sat in that he wanted nothing more than to do that very thing.

And the thought of those hands on me had me flooded in a split second. If there was any doubt before that I’d leave a wet spot behind on his jeans at the end of this dance, there wasn’t going to be by the time it was over.

Anticipation and desire had my stomach coiled tightly. I wanted, more than anything, to be able to pick up with this back home… Behind closed doors. Just him and I.

But I knew that tonight was most likely just going to be an awkward little secret. Kept between two friends. And it bothered me, because I wanted so much more than that but I was afraid to cross lines and let myself have that… I doubted it was even an option anyway because I just didn’t think Juice even saw me like that.

Sure, we flirted now and then, but nothing ever came of it.

God, did I want it to.

This heavy tension seemed to settle in all around us and I picked up on it. Juice groaned quietly, and after he nearly broke the no touch rule again and very nearly reached out to grab hold of my ass and rock me against his thigh faster, I leaned in.. Pressed against him as I continued to grind against his leg and muttered against his ear, “Most guys put their arms behind their head… Til they’re used to not being allowed to touch.. They get verbal too…” my words hitching in my throat, rushing out over each other breathlessly.

He raised his hands, locking them behind his head. Sprawling back against the chair. It seemed to help ease the tension built in his body too, because I felt him sort of melting into the chair a little and I smiled.

“C’mon.. Tell me what you want me to do.” I coaxed, fixing my eyes on him and biting my lip when I immediately found myself getting sucked far too deep into his gaze.

“Touch yourself.” he muttered. Raising up a little. Leaning forward. “Touch yourself for me, baby girl… Like you were when you were dancin out front.”

I let my hands wander.

They were shaking slightly and I just hoped to God that it wasn’t noticed.

Juice took a few shaky breaths and bucked a little in the seat. “Come closer.. Get on my lap.”

I moved so that I was straddling his lap and the way his cock strained against his jeans and I tried to stop myself, but as I started to rock myself back and forth over it, I whimpered quietly. My breath caught in my throat a time or two and my heart was beating so fast I thought it was going to beat out of my chest.

“I normally don’t buy dances if I come here.” he muttered quietly, shattering through my own current internal struggle.

Knowing this relaxed me a little. It was obvious he didn’t just going off the way he acted, but.. I still wondered. Some guys like to pretend it’s their first lap dance because it gets them going.

I’m not here to judge anyone.

I mean.. I have a good paying day job as a legal assistant and here I am.. Dancing two nights a week whenever I can find a club to take me just so I have some form of release.. Just so I can feel intimacy that for whatever reason, I tend to deny myself in reality.

I almost asked him why, but I remembered what he told me out in the hallway about outbidding AJ because he knew the guy scared me. And I stopped myself, even though parts of me hoped there was more to it than that.

My hands moved over my chest and I rocked myself over him faster. My breath catching in my throat as I felt myself rushing straight into an orgasm I’d been trying like hell to hold back the whole time we’d been in the VIP room.

I could feel my body burning up under his gaze and he leaned in again. Muttered breathlessly against my ear, “If you’re nervous..”

“It’s fine.” I pretended to brush it off. I acted as chill about doing this for him as I possibly could.

“Turn away.. I wanna watch you movin from behind, baby girl.” he muttered. The request caught me by surprise a little, but I kind of realized that he was doing it more for me than for himself.

I did what he asked, turning in his lap so that I faced away. My eyes caught his in the reflection of the mirrored wall in front of us. As I started to rock my ass over his bulge, he growled quietly. Bucking himself up into me. Biting his lip as he did it three more times. Muttered in a lust filled daze “Fuck yeah, baby girl.. Work that ass.”

Just the way he said it had me dripping all over again.

“Faster.” he panted, bucking himself up into me all over again. Harder.

I tried not to, but I found myself imagining that he was taking me from behind. A fist full of my hair and my tits pressed right against the mirrored wall in front of us. And I rocked myself back and forth over his cock, pressing down even harder. Moving even faster. Almost close to a blinding orgasm.

“Fuck.” I swore quietly.

Juice sat up in the chair. Pressing his chest into my back. Muttering against my ear, “ Did you wanna dance for me like this?”

“Juice, I told you already.” my head fell back and my eyes fluttered open and shut. I squeezed my tits and rolled my hips faster. My breath came in short pants because I was so close to an orgasm that I was throbbing. He was leaning in again to whisper. “What I mean is if this wasn’t your job.. And it was just me and you… Would you wanna..” he rocked himself against me all over again. Harder. With more urgency as he swore under his breath and muttered that if I kept it up, he was going to come all over himself.

“ Turn around facin me.” he panted, his lips brushing against my ear and sending a shiver rushing through me. I turned back around in his lap to face him. Raising up a little. Teasing him by putting my tits at level with his mouth. Squeezing them together before lowering my hand. Toying with the waistband of my leather pants. Teasing him like I’d take them off.

“ Tease.” he pouted up at me.

“ That’s kind of what you’re paying me for right now, Juice.” I gave a soft laugh as I tucked a finger beneath his chin. Pulling his mouth dangerously close to mine. He licked his lips in anticipation and when he did, his tongue brushed right against my mouth. I whimpered helplessly.

And I just barely kept myself from exploding.

“You’re tensin up on me, Haze… Somethin wrong?” Juice asked quietly.

Looking at me as if he were bracing himself for something bad to be said.

By this point, I was so caught up in the moment, in the way it felt to grind myself against his cock and get out all these long denied urges to touch him to my hearts content.. It slipped out of my mouth before I could stop it.

“Honestly? I’m a breath away from coming and this never.. Ever… happens to me when I’m givin a private dance.” my words came in a breathless rush and as soon as I realized what I’d just said, I lost my groove for a second or two. Slowing down. Trying to pull myself together.

Hoping to God that I didn’t just make things awkward for him and I in the future because I’d rather have him as a friend than not have him at all.

His mouth opened and closed and his hands gripped the arm rests again. Tighter.

“Do you know how hard it is for me? Feelin you dancin on my cock like this? Knowin I.. Knowin that this is probably as close as I’m ever gonna get? Fuck… If I were ever lucky enough to have you all to myself, baby girl...”

His words caught me by surprise. My heart fluttered a little and I swallowed hard. Going still in his lap just to stare at him.

The lights getting brighter and the music in the room going quiet had both of us jumping apart. I realized that probably meant my time in the room was done and before I could give myself a chance to back out, I slipped off his lap and held out my hand to him.

“ C’mon.”

He eyed my hand and took hold of it, standing. I practically drug him out of the room and then down the hall. Out the door and into the back lot behind the club. Once the door was shut behind us, I started to pace in front of him. Just trying to put it all together.

Torn between continuing to fight what I felt for him and caving in.

When he stepped in front of me and placed his hands on my upper arms, staring down into my eyes intently, something in me snapped and before I could stop myself, I had his back pressed against the door of the building. My hands caught his, holding them over his head as I rose up slightly and crashed my mouth against his mouth.

Devouring. Hungry.

At first, he didn’t really react. But when the shock cleared and he realized what I was doing, he came alive. I melted against him and he growled into my mouth, deepening the kiss. Teeth latching onto my bottom lip and tugging until I felt it starting to bruise. I let his hands go and they were all over me. Settling on my ass. Rocking me up against him and making me whimper and dig my fingers into his shoulders. I couldn’t melt into him any more if I tried. I was so exhausted from trying to hold back in more ways than one at this point that my filter was totally shot. I rocked myself against him clumsily, a begging and needy whine filling the space between our mouths as the kiss broke when I just couldn’t hold it back.

“Do you know why I almost got off giving you a lap dance? Do you know what you do to me, Juice? I.. I tried so hard not to fall for you and yet.. Here I am.”

He blinked in shock. For a few seconds we stared at each other, panting for our next breath. Neither of us saying a word.

Then he bent and scooped me up. Started to carry me towards the end of the alley where he’d parked his Dyna Glide.

I didn’t do or say anything to try to stop him. I didn’t want to.

I’m so tired of keeping him at arms length. I’m tired of fighting the way I feel.

He sat me on the back of his bike and I grabbed hold of the front of his vest, pulling him down. Pulling his mouth down against mine all over again because I just.. I was needy. I craved him on this level I couldn’t even begin to get my head around.

His bike came to a stop in front of his apartment building and he got off. Scooping me up all over again. Stopping just outside the doors leading into the building to grope and kiss me. Letting his lips stray down the side of my neck. Sucking a mark deep into my skin. I clung to him and begged breathlessly, “Juice, please..”

Neither of us was really stopping to think. I didn’t want to.

I wanted him.

More importantly, I wanted to be with him. And tonight just proved to me that I couldn’t fight it anymore.

The whole time he was trying to unlock his apartment door, he kept fumbling with the keys. Rutting right against me. Stopping to kiss or touch me. When he finally got it unlocked, he stepped through the door and stepped over to the couch. Tossing me down onto it gently. Following close behind. Pressing himself down into me and snapping his hips against mine, making me whimper. My whimper echoing off the walls of the quiet room. I reached down between us, tugging at the hem of his white t shirt and he rose up, pulling off his vest and tossing it at a chair nearby. Then pulling his shirt off and tossing it too. It settled on the floor in front of the chair. Then he was pulling me up. Tearing my bra away and tossing it out into the room. My hands lowered, tugging at the waistband of his jeans and he bit his lip. Gazing at me for a second or two with this look of lust and adoration in his eyes. Savoring the moment and what was about to happen.

Because it’s been building for a while, apparently. I just focused so damn hard on keeping myself from caving in and letting myself have what I wanted, with him, that somehow, I missed all the signs.

“Baby, c’mon.” I begged.

The term of endearment slipped out.

He gave me that little smirk. Rubbed his chin in thought as he let his eyes wander.

He worked his way down my body, using his body to part my legs. He worked my leather pants down my legs and I kicked them free at my ankles.

His fingers caught in the thin strap of my panties and they came away with a quiet tear. I tried to get him out of his pants again and he lowered my hands. Slipping off the sofa. I watched intently as he teased me, pouting about it. Begging.

I needed him buried inside me. Fucking me. Slow. Deep. All night long.

His pants fell to his ankles and he kicked off his boots and then kicked his pants free from his legs. When he dropped his boxers, I swallowed hard as my eyes settled on the way his cock stood at attention once it was free from fabric. He was pressing himself down into me all over again.

His mouth roaming over my tits. Tongue teasing my nipples as my back arched away from the sofa and I rocked myself against him. His free hand settled between us, circling his thick cock. Teasing it between my folds and making me shiver and cling to him. Try to rock myself against him urgently.

And then he buried his cock inside me. Shallow at first. Going still to let me adjust to him. I felt like I was being split in two and the feeling had me whining. Nipping at his chest, at any patch of skin I could get my mouth on just so I could muffle the way I wanted to scream his name at the top of my lungs.

I rocked into him clumsily and he growled quietly. His hands going down to my hips. Holding them still as he started to pound me harder. Deeper. So deep he couldn’t go any deeper. When he bottomed out, I dragged my nails down his back.

“Not yet, baby girl. C’mon, hold out just a little longer for me.” Juice coaxed breathlessly as his hips crashed against me with a bruising pace. I begged for release, on the verge of tears. The more I begged, the more he’d slow down. Stop to kiss me or leave marks on me. Torture.

Slow, steady and deep torture.

“You gonna moan my name when you cum?” he questioned, slamming his cock deep into my womb. Going still and capturing my mouth in a deep and passionate kiss. “ God. You’re so.” he panted, snapping his hips against mine, cock pistoning in and out of me with steady deep thrusts, “So fuckin wet I can barely stay in. Fuck. Shit. Shiiiit, baby girl. I wanna cum so bad.”

“Juice! Ah, -ah fuck. Right there.” my back arched away from the couch and my orgasm ripped through me, leaving me weak and dazed, clinging to him as I tried desperately to keep up with his pace, spent. Dripping. My walls vising his cock and clenched around it. Tears flooding my eyes because holy fuck, all I’ve wanted for the entire time was to finally be allowed to let go.

Juice stared down at me from above, a soft gaze. He caught a tear as it made a black trail down my cheek. Chuckling quietly. Going still to pepper kisses soft against my mouth and then trail them down the front of my throat. When he started to move again, he muttered against my lips softly, “It’s okay, baby girl. I got you. I’m right here.” as he pistoned in and out, the wet sloshing sounds accompanying each thrust he made seeming to make him move just a little faster. His hands were all over me and all I could really do was lie there, pinned beneath him. Whimpering his name as I tried to come down from the high. Stare up at him softly as my mind spun, replaying every single thing that led us here, to this exact moment.

“Oh fuck. Fuck baby girl. You want it?” his hips stammered, smashing against mine in a bruising pace and his words were swallowed by another hungry kiss and I nodded. Just when I thought he couldn’t get any deeper, he did. Striking against my throbbing g-spot a time or two and growling, biting. Locking his lips against my neck and sucking yet another big,deep mark into soft flesh. The warmth of his release flooded me, making me whimper. Overfilling me, because I could feel the excess slowly leak down. Puddle beneath me on the sofa.. I bucked my hips against him greedily trying to take it all because I wanted it. I needed it. I craved him so badly I couldn’t have put it to words if I tried. He leaned into me heavily, panting for his next breath. Spent. A fine sheen of sweat gathered on our bodies. I grabbed hold of his face and pulled his mouth against mine. Our foreheads pressed together and he muttered quietly, “Mine?”

“Yours.” it shocked me when the word bubbled out. It shocked me because a, I was saying it and b, I meant it. With everything in me. As soon as I said it, he gave me a soft and lazy grin. Pressing his lips to my forehead. He collapsed onto the couch settling behind me. Pulling me on top of him.

Quiet little soft kisses. Caressing my face as he stared up at me and caught sight of one of the bigger marks he left on my throat, grimacing as he chuckled about it quietly.

“Fuck me. Baby, that was amazing...” I groaned out in a daze, making him laugh and gaze up at me. “Give me an hour, babe.” he teased…

“Careful. I might take you up on that.” I teased back, melting against his body. Letting his arms wrap around me and hold me tight.

[batgurl1989]

A Wolf in Toussaint Chapter Four

Summary: Geralt and You meet with the Duchess and go shopping in Beauclair

Word Count: 2828

Warnings: spoilers

A/N: this has not been proofread, so all the mistakes are my own. Tag list is open.

Taglist: @rmtndew @djinny-djin-djin @seanh-boredom @princesssterek @henrynerdfan @cynic-spirit @daddys-littlewhitegirl @diegos-butt @lharrietg

Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five

When you had arrived at the palace, an attendant had shown you and Geralt to a wide balcony where lunch had been set up on a table. The Duchess was waiting, drumming her fingers on the table, a look of displeasure marring her face.

You had tried to be respectful and hurry over to the table, but your gaze got caught on the stunning view. From this height, Toussaint stretched out before you, the sun dappled the vineyard covered slopes. The sparkling rivers and lakes dazzled like gems tucked into the green blanket. It was such a contrast to Velen, and you found you couldn't stop staring.

Geralt's hand felt warm on your lower back as he guided you to the table. Your eyes snapped to the Duchess when you found yourself standing before her. A blush crept up your neck, painting your cheeks red. You weren't usually like this. You took in the Duchess and her elegant dress. Her chestnut hair was coiffed with a tiny tiara perched atop her head. You shuffled your feet, feeling underdressed for this meeting. You hadn't had time after being in awe of the city to stop for new boots, so you had to keep wearing your old ones. You were positive that your outfit screamed you had been on the road for many days.

"Duchess Anna Henrietta, this is Younin of Velen." Geralt covered for you. You were never comfortable giving people of great authority your full title as it raised more questions than you were willing to answer. Only a select few outside the Lodge knew your title, and you planned to keep it that way.

"You cannot stay here, Geralt." The Duchess practically growled from her seat across the table. Sitting back, she took a deep breath, fighting to be calm. She clenched and un-clenched her fists, resting her hands on the table. "I'm sorry, Geralt. But you being here has raised too many alarms."

"What alarms?" Geralt took the liberty of sitting in one of the chairs at the table. He gestured for you to sit as well, but didn't take his eyes off the Duchess.

"Word has followed you here from Novigrad." The Duchess aggressively slathered her bread in a pat of butter. Her eyes flicked to you before she turned her full attention back to the Witcher. "The King of Beggars is searching for Younin, and there is a hefty reward for information about her."

Your body jolted at this piece of news. So much had happened since the Vegelbud wedding, and even though you had questions, you thought you were safe in Toussaint while you recovered. Luck did not seem to be on your side, though, if the Duchess's word was to be trusted. At least you knew the news was shocking for Geralt as you watched his knuckles go white as he gripped his armrest tightly.

"Do you know what he wants with me?" Your voice sounded small, and perhaps a little frightened. Since the end of the war, people left you alone for the most part. Certainly no one wanted your head anymore. So what could the King want?

"There was not a lot of information on the wanted poster I saw, but he is willing to pay quite a high price for your whereabouts." The Duchess looked at you, sympathy swirling in her eyes. "So again, you cannot stay here. I love my people, but who knows what one is willing to do when offered that kind of money? People cannot be trusted."

"Very true." You admitted with a nod. You looked down at your hands in your lap, picking at your cuticle. You hated knowing that you were causing trouble simply by being there. "Perhaps I should head back to Velen. Back to the Inn. I can hide there."

"Not an option." Geralt was shaking his head before I had finished. "You don't know that he won't be waiting for you at the Inn, and if I go with you, it would draw attention. If I don't go with you, you will be a sitting duck."

"I'm not powerless." Anger flashed through me. I hated that I was once a powerful sorceress in the Lodge, and now, because I was out of practice, I was seen as weak. I could only imagine how Yennefer saw me now. "What other option do we have right now? We can't hide here, we can't go to Novigrad or Velen. Where am I supposed to go? If the King can reach Toussaint, I have no doubt he can reach Skellige."

"I am sorry to do this to you. I wish Toussaint could hide you." The Duchess sounded genuine as she leaned forward, reaching for you to offer some comfort. "In a land full of knights-errant, you would think we could be trusted to keep a secret, but that is simply not the case."

"I understand." And you really did understand, but it sucked either way. Chewing on the inside of your lip, you mind ran through your vastly dwindling options. Your eyes met Geralt's. "Maybe we should head back to Corvo Bianco, and talk to Yen? She might know where I can hide until we figure out our next move."

"I insist you stay for lunch. It's the least I can do after kicking you out of Toussaint." The Duchess's demeanor changed as she flashed a beautiful smile at both you and Geralt. "After all, I did have the palace chef make this wonderful spread for us."

"We wouldn't want it to go to waste." Geralt gave in much to your surprise. If you had been anywhere else, he would have waved away the request and set off on the quest. Your eyes flicked between the Witcher and the Duchess, trying to figure out what hold she may have on him.

"You can regale me with your recent adventures." The Duchess seemed pleased as she began serving herself from the multitude of platters and dishes spread across the table between you. She paused, a sandwich inches from being placed on her plate. A distressed look flitted across her face. "I hope you haven't come across any vampires."

"None that I couldn't handle." Geralt assured her, placed his hand over her free one.

The gesture seemed innocent enough, but the flare of jealous that ignited in you was anything but. You forced yourself to look away as your magic automatically came to life in your palms. You weren't even sure what element you were drawing, and inviting that chaos into you was dangerous. To distract yourself, you got up from the table and wandered over to the railing. Looking out over the fantastical land seemed to calm you, and you felt you could breathe again.

Dimly, you were aware of Geralt giving a play by play of your journey here. The Duchess was fully enthralled with the fight, adding gasps at all the appropriate spots. If you didn't know any better, you would say she was acting, but looking at her, she seemed genuine.

*************

"So next time we are going to meet with a Duchess, warn me if I need to dress up, please." You whispered as you left the palace. Your horses were waiting at the bottom of the steps to take you back to Corvo Bianco. As beautiful as everything was, you couldn't wait to leave the opulence behind.

"What do you mean?" Geralt's eyes slowly trailed over your body, taking in your outfit. Your cheeks warmed as his gaze felt like a physical touch.

Clearing your throat, you mentally shook yourself. You were glad you had reached the horses, and busied yourself with adjusting the girth. Gathering the reins in one hand, you sprang into the saddle without the help the groom was offering you. It felt good to be back in the saddle again. You had felt extremely out of place in the palace, like your rightful place was on horseback.

"Younin." Geralt's low voice rumbled through the space between you. You knew what he was asking, but didn't know if you could explain in a way the Witcher would understand.

"I just wasn't dressed properly. Toussaint is a far cry from Velen and Novigrad. Even Skellige." You settled for the simplest form of what you were feeling. Geralt may not feel the same about meeting royalty, but you were sure he could at least see where you were coming from. "It just would have been nice to at been dressed like I belonged."

"But you don't belong here." Geralt's words cut through you. Seeing the hurt that flashed in your eyes, he pressed on. "Palaces aren't for people like you and me. If they were, you would still be at court working for a king or queen. You belong out in the world, not sequestered in some stuffy throne room."

His words warmed your heart. Court life had never been for you, that's why you left it behind for a life as an herbalist, pedaling your magic on the side. You offered Geralt a small smile, trying to convey what his words meant to you. The Witcher nodded, turning his horse on to the road out of the palace.

"I'm sorry your idea for hiding out here didn't work out." You wanted to reach for him, to offer him comfort. You had no idea what your next move was going to be. Unless you and Geralt stuck to the Path, and kept moving. But with how the King operated, you figured he would catch up to you eventually.

"Let's worry about getting you new boots before we worry about the King. Nothing can be decided before we get back to Corvo Bianco." Geralt offered you a quick, rare smile. It seemed like he was looking forward to buying you new things, but you knew that couldn't be right. This was Geralt.

"It's my own fault, really. I got so caught up in the wonders of this city, that we ran out of time." You mentally had been kicking yourself about it the whole lunch. On the flip side, you wouldn't have done anything different if given the chance. You adored the sights and sounds of this city, and couldn't wait to relish in them again.

"Come. I know exactly where we will get you boots." Geralt turned his horse down a side street. Up ahead you could hear the clamour of an outdoor market. Light music was playing, and you could hear people singing.

"Where are you taking me? To a fair or to a market?" You jested, but the atmosphere was getting to you again. A smile lit up your face as the music drew you in. The closer you got, the more elated you became.

"In Beauclair, they are one and the same." Geralt flashed you another smile. Something about this place was bringing out a side of him you didn't normally get to see.

When you reached the centre of Hauteville, you found all sorts of upper class citizens mingling about as artists and merchants sold their wares along the side of the street and out of store fronts. Geralt and you tied off your horses near a fountain, and began to wander. So many things caught your eye. You weren't one who normally like jewelry, but the pieces here made even your eye covetous.

"This way." Geralt guided you with a hand on your lower back toward a stain glassed store front. Through the coloured window, you could see shoes and boots on display. "After you."

Geralt pulled the door open for you, but the angle was awkward and you had to duck under his arm. Passing this close to his body only made you realize that it had been so long since you two had had a moment alone that you weren't rushing off somewhere or injured. A heat blazed in Geralt's golden depths, letting you know he was having similar thoughts. You bit your lower lip, trying to squash those thoughts since you were in public.

Once in side, the comforting scent of leather wafted around you. It reminded you of riding across Velen and Toussaint, of the scent Geralt had when he cleaned his armour. Closing your eyes briefly, you took a deep breath, letting the calm it brought wash over you. But then you opened your eyes, taking in all the beautiful footwear surrounding you.

"Are you sure these aren't art?" You gasped, whispering to Geralt. You didn't want to ruin someone's artwork with weeks on the road. Geralt laughed, but before he could say anything, the shop owner came bustling over.

"Ah, I see the lady has an appreciative eye. You humble me, my lady." The shopkeep gave you both a slight bow, a wide smile plastered on his face. If he noticed the state of your clothes and boots, he didn't let on, which you did appreciate.

"I seem to have wrecked my pair of boots, but I don't know if I can buy any of these. They are all too beautiful for what I need." You gestured to the shoes on the display nearest you.

"What is the point of a good shoe if it won't be worn?" The shopkeep waved away your concern, taking your hand in both of his to lead you to a padded stool. "Come. Come. Let me see if we can't find you something you will adore."

Geralt stood behind your shoulder, his arms crossed as he watched the shopkeep bring you pair after pair of shoes and ankle boots. None of them seems quite right to you, though. Every once in a while he would let out a sound you could only describe as a rumble, and you knew he agreed that they weren't the right shoes for you. All the shoes were ridiculously beautiful, but none of them would serve you well on the road.

"Do you have anything in a knee high?" You ventured to ask after turning down what felt like the twentieth pair of shoes. You didn't like feeling like a burden, but with each pair you dismissed, the guilt formed a larger ball in the pit of your stomach.

"Ah! I have just the thing!" The shopkeep announced after thinking for a moment. The elation on his face eased the guilt a bit, and you hoped this pair was going to be it.

Your eyes lit up when he brought you a pair of knee high boots. The leather had been tanned an unique reddish brown. The fur lining let you know that they would be warm, which was perfect for the road, especially up North. You stroked the laces that ran up the whole length of the boot. As beautiful as these boots were, you weren't afraid to wear them on the road.

"They are perfect." Your eyes traced over them again. You watched as the shopkeep undid the laces before handing them to you. You slide your feet into them, tightening the laces. They fit perfectly. "These are the boots."

"How much?" Geralt directed his question to the shopkeep before you could ask. You opened your mouth to protest, but a stern look from Geralt kept you silent.

You looked down at your new boots to hide the blushing smile on your face. A warm feeling stretched out from your chest, filling your limbs all the way to your fingers and toes. It felt strange to have Geralt buy things for you when you were perfectly capable of buying them yourself. It was a nice feeling, but you weren't accustomed to being doted on. You began to think of ways you could pay him back.

"Ready?" Geralt laid a warm hand on your shoulder, grabbing your attention. He shifted his hand off of you so he was offering it to you. You looked up at him as took his hand.

"Absolutely." You grinned as he twined his fingers with yours, leading you out of the shop. You waved over your shoulder to the shopkeep, who was beaming at the both of you. "Thank you for all your help."

"My pleasure, dear." The shopkeep waved as the door closed behind you.

"Well?" Geralt looked down at you, a small genuine smile curving his lips. When you didn't answer, he gestured down to your boots. "What do you think?"

"I adore them." You stood on your tiptoes, steadying yourself with a hand in his shoulder. You leaned in close as he turned his head, his gold eyes searching your face. "Best gift a guy has ever gotten me."

You brought your lips to his, enjoying the brief feel of him. It was a quick kiss, and did not even come close to conveying your feelings. But it would have to do since you were in public. The ride back to the vineyard was going to be long, but you couldn't wait to show him how you truly felt.

[herrwagner]

[Hi there! So, I've really been enjoying your long-term corruption arc on Krakoa with Dis/goreverine. Any spoilers or thoughts you're willing to share about that? No pressure! I'm really on board with Krakoa taking a dive into the horror genre because it's seriously just begging to be written.]

Hi! I would answer this privately but I know for a fact there are more people that wanna know, so I hope you don’t mind x: But that said let’s do a lil deep dive!

And a small disclaimer like this all very much a work in progress, it is all very dynamic and can be changed when things more fitting are figured out and so on. It’s a thing. 

Also this can you know... contain triggers so it will be under a cut for safety’s sake! Also it’s gonna be looong.

So first things first: I am so happy you like it and sent this! Truly over the moon so like thank you so so much for letting me go off an ramble. I will probably be enjoy this more than anyone else so let’s go!

It’s not so much corruption as it is just letting base instincts be a more prominent part of things. The whole embrace your nature aspect is very big on Krakoa, and I don’t see that lessening over the years. For Kurt, being of Neyaphem decent. that very much comes down to embracing a more demonic side that he has been pushing hard to keep away from himself up until now. 

Before Krakoa Kurt has made a very big point of not associating with Azazel more than he has to, and that includes denying a lot of himself, a lot of his heritage. simply to easier handle who he himself is as a person. Getting to Krakoa is like getting force feed with having to dive deep and embrace it whether he likes it or not. 

It looks a lot like Kurt may well be spiraling because of getting there, but it started slowly already when he gave up his immortal soul. Krakoa is just a fair ground where he can explore it and adapt without judgment, which honestly is what’s been holding him back the most the whole time. Wanting to fit in is so important to Kurt, and being as different as he is makes fitting in pretty damn hard. So while getting to Krakoa is a culture shock in a sense it is also very reliving and helpful.

Then we have the whole rebirth aspect. Since you basically get reborn as soon as you’ve been confirmed as dead on Krakoa, it is a pretty big part of how they live. Death doesn’t have the consequence it did before and all that. The interesting part to remember is how canon stated that each rebirth furthers a mutation slightly ( about 4 % on Krakoa, and a lot more on Arakko ). 

Because Kurt’s mutation is a very visual kind it shows very clearly on him how that affects him. Most obviously it shows in his appearance. How it over time change his features, fur getting a slightly different texture, the nails becoming more like claws, the teeth getting a lot bigger, his eyes going from reflecting like ( like that on a feline ) to actually glowing with hellfire, starting to grow horns, etc. The list is very long and it’s just small subtle shift for each rebirth, but over the years there are a lot of rebirths which means a lot of change.

I specifically hc that Kurt has two deaths and ultimately two rebirths happening from Arakko which means he has two instances of very very big changes. Those are the times you basically trade a kitten for a panther in changes. 20 years into it, some Krakoa rebirth and the two from Arakko. and Kurt looks very different. He’s gotten taller with about two inches. He has a lot sharper angles to his face and whole body structure. The claws are full out claws, like you can’t mistake those for nails anymore. There is an ever present scent of sulfur about him, like it seems to come from inside him. Looking him in the eye and his eyes look like they are burning on the inside. He grows large ram like horns, they’re not perfectly symmetrical but it really lends itself well to the whole aesthetic Kurt is going for by then.

So that is all that looks go. Now the mutation as far as abilities goes this is interesting and something I haven’t thought too much about. But either way Kurt will never get his immortal soul back, meaning he is very HARD to kill. He’s pretty much close to immortal, meaning the times he has died and been reborn it’s been pretty extreme circumstances. The teleportation isn’t as limited anymore, and cross dimension teleportation isn’t even hard to manage by then. just to give you an idea of what I’ve been thinking for it.

Now Kurt himself as a person hasn’t change all that much, funnily enough. He is still very kind, he will listen to anyone and be there for them. None of this is different. The difference is that the social structure of how Krakoa works is something Kurt has evolved with. He has a lot of patience, yes. but in the right company he has no patience because that is how certain groups have structured their social standards. In some groups violence speaks louder, and Kurt will take part in it. He is embracing all parts of Krakoa, because it is very much part of his job as spiritual leader and High Priest.

What he didn’t plan on is this part that enjoy the most; Kurt certainly sat out on the mission of figuring out how religion could still fit in to society of Krakoa. He isn’t the only one to leave his religion behind in the human world, and needed something else to help find a steadier footing in this new world. He was however not planning on accidentally becoming a central figure of this new “religion” and some kind of semi mortal manifestation of divinity to mutant kind.

Yes I’m talking about Kurt basically becoming mutant kinds Jesus, and it only happened because people listened to him. I imagine that at first Kurt is just one of many people talking about religion and the spiritual differences the Krakoan way of living is compared to that outside of it. But it slowly evolves from him being one of them, to them putting him on a pedestal he has no idea of how to get down from, and it is spiraling quickly. So instead fighting it Kurt is embracing it and doing as best he can by those that look to him for answers and guidance.

Looking to religions they left behind he has a lot of similarities to both Jesus and Lucifer, which is easily transferred to the new belief to have him as a “missing link” between the divine and the mortal. Kurt is well aware he is by no means a deity or any kind of Devine figure. But if people need him to be a saint, a messiah, a leader... he damn well will be the best one he can for their sake. He won’t abandon them, and it also gives him something to care for, something to belong in and feel like he is meant to do. He is in short happy to do it.

Because of how elevated he becomes because of this, aka with how people view him and ultimately treat him he is basically becoming a cult leader in a sense, for lack of better term. He will touch those that feel like it will help them in whatever way. He will hear them, see them, speak to them. He is devoted to be what they need him to be.

Now as far as that looks is interesting, and I am glad you asked. Once Kurt starts growing horns they don’t stop growing, however they have to start from zero each time he is reborn. Which means for weeks he is walking around with a bleeding head as the horns have to come out. The blood from this is generally viewed as a blessing to somehow get, much like all of Kurt’s blood but this is more like a ceremony to be worthy of getting in on if you will. He can bleed pretty heavily and has at times been blinded by his own blood getting in his eyes. 

Once the bleeding stop it’s another whole ceremony of carving the horns with their new holy symbols. Generally Daken ( @goreverine ) helps with this as the knife used for it is made from one of Daken’s claws. The horns does bleed during this but it doesn’t hurt Kurt. Most commonly he also has two or three trinkets hanging from one of the horns when they’re done.

On accident Daken also managed to impale Kurt’s hands on his claws ( yes they had sex, yes Kurt asked for it, and no neither one considered the consequences ). And yes this escalated even more the view people had of Kurt as a holy figure as now it was like seeing him being Christ with the wounds in his palms. There are a lot of similar things going, that can very logically be explained. But you try to be logical to a group of people that want a Devine explanation and want to run with it. Kurt as simply stopped trying to explain and just let them do their own assumptions of what he is and looks like. Wounds included.

So uhm... this got long but hi ask away c: I love to talk about this

[caranfindel]

Recap/review 14.13: “Lebanon”

THEN: They hit me right in the face with gorgeous young 1.01 Dean saying "Dad's on a hunting trip and he hasn't been home in a few days" and beautiful baby 1.01 Sam saying "we've got work to do" and we end with 14.12 and Sam furiously punching his brother and then furiously hugging him and Dean saying "let's go home" and does anything else matter? No.

NOW: We see the reflection of Sam and Dean walking up to a pawn shop, with a nice selection of guitars and sunglasses and that weird monkey that was in Rocky's Bar. The proprietor seems friendly enough. Dean flashes him a wad of hundred dollar bills because they're looking for "the really good stuff." This gains them admittance into a secret back room full of things hunters would be interested in, including a hockey mask (?) and a perfume atomizer full of dragon's breath. They tell the guy they're looking for the skull of a specific woman who was executed during the Salem witch trials, and the fact that he has it basically proves that he killed the friend of theirs who previously owned it. (Also Sam picks up a teddy bear and starts to pull the string to make it speak and the guys warns him not to and this is Dean's role, isn't it, messing with things he shouldn't be messing with? But I don't care because chastized Sam and eye-rolly Dean are precious to me.)

Sam goes through a ledger of the guy's inventory and says he's got a lot of occult objects that they should take with them. (Dean plays with the dragon's breath. Sam ducks and flinches and does the really, Dean? thing with his hands and face. I laugh again.) Dean agrees they should take the stuff home.

Title card!

The Impala zooms past a sign welcoming us to Lebanon, Geographical Center of the USA. Then we find ourselves in front of a movie theater showing Beetlejuice and Hell Hazers (All Saints' Day is coming soon, and I imagine Route 666 can't be far behind), where a group of teenagers is talking about... somebody. "People say they're brothers," a kid in a knit cap says, "but all I know is, I was standing right here, and I heard this bam from the trunk of their car. And then, this like, shallow breathing." I'm pretty sure this is a fake-out, and it will turn out he's talking about someone else, but the Impala pulls up in front of the theater and Knit Cap Kid says "that's them!"

As the Winchesters get out of the car and enter a liquor store (decorated with that Family Business neon sign from Rocky's), Sam is still reading the ledger, which lists things like a hangman's rope, fairy dust, and John Wayne Gacy's cigar box. Well, that's oddly specific! The guy working there greets the "Campbell brothers" and knows their usual order. Oh, wow. I love that they're actually known in Lebanon, and that they're going by Campbell. And we know that actual Lebanon, Kansas is too small to have a movie theater or this much business downtown, but I'm happy to handwave that.

What do you mean, "happy to handwave that?" You're always complaining about the inaccuracies regarding tiny Lebanon having traffic cams and whatnot.

Well, maybe this episode just MAKES ME HAPPY, okay?

Anyway. Sam thinks cataloguing the confiscated items would be a good way to take Dean's mind off "things," but Dean's pretty convinced nothing will ever take his mind off that.

Outside, the teens are asking where the guys even come from, and what about their weird trenchcoat-wearing sidekick, and "that kid with the dumb Bambi look on his face all the time" (!) One girl says that, whatever the deal is with these guys, they do have an awesome car, and no one can argue with that. And the other girl, Max, who seems to smitten with the first girl, gets an idea.

Inside, Sam has discovered something significant in the ledger - the "beyzoo" (no, I know that's not how you spell it), which is one of eight ancient Chinese treasures. A pearl that gives you "what your heart desires." Oooh, getting rid of Michael, maybe? But as the guys are discussing this, Dean sees the Impala drive by the window. Guess Max figured out how to impress that other girl! (BTW, there are couple of COOL old trucks on the street.)

The guys see Knit Cap Kid standing on the sidewalk looking confused, and while Sam tells him the car is dangerous to whoever stole it, Dean looks like he wants to murder someone. And yet the Winchesters are confused when the kid says he doesn't want to die. (Or get locked in the trunk!) He says Max is new and he doesn't know where she lives. Dean raises a fist, but Sam pulls him away.

MURDER. I'D MURDER THEM.

Post office. There's a poster of stamps featuring old cars behind the customer service counter. I'm really getting my old truck fix tonight. Sam comes in with his sweet anxious smile and asks for help finding the girl who washed his car, since he forgot to tip her. Post Office Lady is not amused or helpful, or the least bit swayed by his sweet anxious smile. Then Dean comes in and calls her by name and asks about her grandson and she MELTS and he gets sincere and puts his hand on hers and she does exactly what I would do, which is offer up ANYTHING YOU WANT, ANYTHING AT ALL, WOULD YOU LIKE MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER WHILE I'M AT IT? Unfortunately, all she knows is where Max's mother works.

SAM’S FACE.

(Sidebar: Have I mentioned that Sam is wearing that nice blue jacket from the episode where he killed the alpha vampire? I like it. Toss that stupid orange jacket, Sam, and wear this more often. And Dean's wearing the black jacket that I always love.)

At the restaurant where Max's mom works, we learn that she has no idea where her daughter is, because she was supposed to be in school. But the guy working in the kitchen knows February 7 is Skip Day (is it always February 7? what about when that falls on a weekend?) and that she'll probably be at a party at this old house on Route 36. (Yes, I did confirm that Route 36 is just outside of Lebanon. Yes, I did use Mapquest. I'm old school up in here, y'all.)

Party house. The little batch of delinquents has taken all the boxes of occult objects out of the Impala for some reason. Including the evil teddy bear. Luckily, someone announces "pizza's here" before a girl pulls the teddy bear's string. At some point I've got to find out what would happen if you pulled it. Fic it for me, friends! (Also, I just noticed the teddy bear's mouth is SEWN SHUT and that's not creepy AT ALL.) The camera slowly pans to a wooden box, and we watch the lid open to reveal a smoky/dusty ghost hand. With a ruffled sleeve. Uh oh.

Knit Cap Kid runs in to warn the partiers that "those guys" are looking for Max, and he's told to chill. Another teen goes into the bathroom, where the mirror frosts over and then the CREEPIEST CLOWN EVER comes out of it. Seriously, creepier than the clown in Plush, which you wouldn't think was possible.

The Winchesters pull up in yet another antique truck, where Dean greets his car with "Baby, Baby, please tell me you're not hurt." Sam's more concerned about the boxes of dangerous occult objects missing from the back seat. Ghost Kid comes running outside and the girl following him tells the brothers that he saw a clown ghost that tried to kill him. Maybe it's my imagination, or maybe Sam has a flash of crap, a killer clown ghost expression before they run into the house.

Dean announces they're FBI and everyone needs to get out, now. Once the room is cleared, he asks if "anything screams clown to you?" Sam immediately notices John Wayne Gacy's cigar box and guys, I'm ashamed to say I didn't put the two together until now. The killer clown ghost is John Wayne Gacy. And Sam is freaked the fuck out about it. "We should burn that right now," Dean says, in a lovely holding-in-the-freakout way, and Sam rushes to throw it into the fireplace. Then Dean says "I mean, this is like a best worst thing that's ever happened, because you love serial killers, but you hate clowns" and I'm DEAD. (I'm also loving TWO gifts from the Continuity Fairy in once sentence.) The lights start flashing before Sam can get his lighter lit, and then the killer clown ghost shows up and tosses Dean around. Knit Cap Kid and the girls run back inside just in time to watch John Wayne Gacy's ghost go up in flames. So the kids get the "monsters are real" speech and are told to keep it secret.

Back at the bunker, Sam's going through the occult goodies and thinks he found the magic pearl. Dean's ready to use it right now, and dismisses Sam's suggestion that they call Mary or Cas. If it doesn't work, he doesn't want to have gotten their hopes up. Sam looks distressed at the idea it won't work, but agrees. The pearl doesn't come with any instructions, so Sam suggests Dean hold it and concentrate on what his heart desires. "Michael out of my head," Dean says, and I'd have been more specific. I'd have concentrated on Michael out of my head and destroyed, and me perfectly fine, but, well, what do I know?

(Also, I KNOW all you Wincest and Destiel fans are gonna have your own ideas about what - or who - appears in front of Dean when he’s granted what his heart desires. This setup is better than sex pollen. Have fun, my kinky little friends.)

Dean clutches the pearl and concentrates, and the lights flash and then go out, and in the red emergency light we see someone in the bunker. Someone fighty, who knocks both brothers down and then pulls out a shotgun and says "don't you move," but it's a familiar voice and then the lights come on and what do you know? Winchester Surprise!

So, was anybody truly surprised? I covered the guest stars on first viewing, as I always try to do, but I noticed on rewatch that they didn't even credit JDM at the beginning of the episode. Which they sometimes do, to avoid spoilers. And yet. Has there been a single episode of this series that was more spoiled? I don't think so.

(Sidebar: What do you think would have happened if Sam had taken the pearl and made a wish? I think Michael would be gone. Because I don't think there's anything Sam wants more than saving his brother.)

Back to our story. Everyone is shocked. John thinks Sam should be in Palo Alto, apparently in his 14th year of post graduate work. He thinks he's still in 2003, and he doesn't notice his boys are older. And they apparently don't notice that his hair is very short and a lot greyer than it was when we last saw him. (I mean, really, they slapped a wig on Samantha Smith to make her look like The Last Version Of Mary, so why couldn't they do the same thing with JDM? It's distracting.) Sam figures they must have accidentally summoned John from the past. So they do what one does in this situation - sit down and drink.

John's astonished. Dean's proud. Sam's visibly anxious. We don't get to see exactly how much of the backstory they tell him, but they do tell him about the apocalypse and Lucifer and living with "an angel and Lucifer's kid." And now John thinks he died "taking out Yellow Eyes," which... not really? But okay. And they don't tell him Mary's back, until he mentions her and Sam's, all, yeah, about Mom, and then she comes in and John hears her voice and tears up and dammit. This reunion is everything I didn't think I ever wanted. I mean, I've made no secret of the fact that I'm not a fan of John Winchester. He's a fascinating character and JDM does a great job with him, but he's such an awful father (don't bother arguing with me, you will not change my mind) that I can't really like him. And I'm not too impressed with resurrected Mary, either. But when these two come together... damn. It's good. It's very good. Well done, you two.

I love that the boys give them some privacy, because it's been over a decade since John saw them, but it's been even longer since he saw his dead wife, and this should really be a John and Mary reunion.

Out in the hall, Dean's gleeful and Sam's all, how the hell did this happen? Dean explains that he's wanted this since he was four years old (oh, my heart) but Sam warns that messing with time will not end well. I don't actually remember Sam being that concerned about the unintended consequences of time travel, but I'm sure there's a good reason he's bringing it up now. Dean doesn't care. Dean just wants one family dinner together (oh, my heart again, remembering his one last dinner with Mary).

Sam, sans Dean, runs into John in the library, because Mary's off making a shopping list and he decided he'd rather examine the bunker than be involved in that I guess? Okay. But then this happens.

I screwed up with you a lot, didn't I?

No, that's okay.

No, it's not. Sammy, tell me the truth.

I don't want to talk about that.

You didn't have a problem talking about it before you left.

Dad. For me, that fight, that was a lifetime ago. I don't even remember what I said. I mean, yeah, you know, you did some messed-up things. But I don't... I mean, when I think about you... and I think about you a lot... I don't think about our fights. I think about you... I think about you on the floor of that hospital, and I think about how I never got to say goodbye.

Sam. Son. I am so sorry.

I'm sorry too. But you did your best, Dad. You fought for us, and you loved us. And that's enough.

OH MY GOD. This is everything I ever wanted.

1. John admitting he was a crap parent to Sam.

2. Sam trying to sidestep that - because he's Sam Winchester and that's what he does - and John not letting him.

3. Sam finally calling him out instead of just saying nah, it's fine.

4. John calling him Sammy.

5. Sam pointing out that he didn't get a goodbye from John. (Did he ever find out that Dean got praise and an apology?)

6. John apologizing.

7. Sam forgiving him.

8. "And I think about you a lot."

9. The way Sam keeps having to stop talking and look away and make that little "hmmm" noise.

10. And the tears.

10b. The way Sam tears up even before The Talk, when he remembers them as kids trying to make Winchester Surprise.

11. The shaky voice.

12. And Sam's shirt.

13. And the way Sam's expression looks so much like his expression in Sacrifice, when he tells Dean that his confession was about how he let his brother down.

This, right here, is two minutes and 24 seconds of the best television I've ever seen. I don't care what else this episode does, this 2:24 is worth it. And yes, this is three weeks in a row that Jared Padalecki has ripped my heart out of my chest and STOMPED ON IT.

And I love it.

Meanwhile, Dean gets the shopping list from Mary. Sam finds him and tells him he's right, because Sam also just got everything he ever wanted, and then offers to go shopping with him. (Saaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmm!!!!!!!)

When they get to town, the guys split up - Sam to the grocery store, Dean to the liquor store. Dean's surprised to see the liquor store guy, the one who remembered his "usual" earlier in the day, has no idea who he is. If Dean had ever seen "It's a Wonderful Life," he might say this is just like when George Bailey goes into Martini's Bar and isn't recognized. But apparently Dean Winchester, pop culture aficionado, has never seen that movie (no, I haven't gotten over that, and I never will) so he doesn't recognize a classic uh oh, we changed the course of history moment when he experiences it.

Meanwhile, Sam steps out of the grocery store and finds that neither Max nor the postal clerk recognize him. And then he sees a wanted poster in the post office window. Dean Winchester, wanted for assault, murder, and credit card fraud. Whoops! He trots to the car, where Dean is waiting, and tells him they have a problem. "Yeah, we do," says Dean. "Check this out."

He shows Sam his phone and it's a video of SAM IN GLASSES AND A BLACK TURTLENECK AND SLICKED BACK HAIR GIVING A TED TALK. HE RUNS A LAW FIRM AND LOVES KALE. IT IS THE SECOND MOST AMAZING THING I'VE SEEN TONIGHT.

HE'S STEVE JOBS.

So, those of you who were spoiled... did you know about this? Or did they actually keep THIS AMAZING THING under wraps?

Sam Jobs tells his audience that being your best leaves no time for hobbies or a family, and Sam has seen enough. He tells Dean about the wanted poster, and Dean says yes, of course he googled himself too ("a lot of beheadings," hee!!!) and wonders if there are alternate versions of them running around. Sam thinks it's a "temporal paradox," and time is self-correcting, changing to the new one. If they don't fix things, they'll become those alternate versions of themselves. "Well, I'm cool," Dean says, "but you're, ugh." Sam's less worried about them, and more worried about what else might have changed.

(Sidebar: You know, I could quibble about why bringing John forward in time has such a significant butterfly effect, but bringing Mary back, and their other time travel, and Henry's time travel, changed nothing. I absolutely could. But I choose not to, because SAM JOBS, Y'ALL. But okay, let's think about it. 2003 John would have disappeared while Sam was at Stanford. Dean wouldn't have gone to get Sam. Or Sam would have refused to go. Maybe the hurt on both sides was still too fresh. Maybe that's why Dean's hunting alone, and Sam's an internet-famous lawyer.)

What else has changed, you might ask? How about ZACHARIAH? That's right, my favorite angel is back. And with him is ORIGINAL FLAVOR CAS WITH HIS FLUFFY HAIR AND THINGS JUST KEEP GETTING BETTER AND BETTER. Zachariah calls him "Constantine" and Castiel says "I don't understand that reference" and THANK YOU BABY JESUS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID TO DESERVE THIS, BUT THANK YOU. They enter Max's mom's restaurant and ask who's been messing with time. (Because she would know?) And if they don't start talking, he'll have Cas murder all of them. "My name is Castiel," he intones solemnly. "I'm an angel of the Lord." YES YOU ARE. He reveals himself like he did to Dean (no, not like that, jeez) with the shadow wings. Outside, the Winchesters see the bright light of an angelic reveal coming through the restaurant windows, and they know something's up.

They herd everyone out of the restaurant, and are shocked to see Cas and Zachariah. Zachariah is equally surprised to see them. He says they had big plans for the Winchesters, but then their father disappeared and... and he doesn't finish, so we'll never know why yoinking John out of 2003 changed any of that vessel stuff. (Handwave!) Cas, of course, doesn't know them, and when Zachariah orders him to kill them, he complies.

Dean pulls out an angel blade but is, of course, unwilling to actually kill Cas, so he starts hitting him with other things. And Cas, for whatever reason, doesn't just put a finger on his forehead and kill him dead. (Handwave!) Zachariah chokes Sam and asks him what they did, even though he can't talk because he's choking (handwave!) and Sam acts like he's trying to speak so Zachariah gets closer to hear him, and Sam stabs him with an angel blade. Cas continues fistfighting with both of them, and slams Sam head-first into a table a couple of times, leaving him spitting blood on the floor. Which Sam uses to paint an angel-banishing sigil while Cas is choking Dean. Smart Sam for the win!

Bunker. Pretty bruised Dean has explained the temporal paradox, and John accepts that he has to go back, or else Mary will probably disappear. "Okay," he says. "I mean, me versus your mom, that's not even a choice." DAMMIT JOHN WINCHESTER DO NOT MAKE ME CARE ABOUT YOU. Elsewhere, pretty bruised Sam explains it to Mary, and tells her John won't remember anything.

John tells Dean he never meant Dean to have this kind of life. He's proud of him, but he hoped he'd be able to have a normal life, with a family. "I have a family," Dean says. They sit down and have one final family meal together, and everyone's quiet and sad until John points out that they can either think about what's going to happen, or appreciate what they have right now. They cheer up and listen to Bob Seger (well, we listen to Bob Seger) and talk and laugh and have the family dinner Dean has always wanted.

Later, while doing the dishes, Sam says how unfair it is that they all had this and then have to throw it away, and John has to go back to being Dad. He thinks it would be nice for John to go back knowing what he knows now. "I used to think that too," Dean says, and admits that he's blamed both John and Mary for their crappy lives. And if they could send him back to 2003, or even earlier, maybe none of the crap would happen. "But here's the problem. Who does that make us? Would we be better off? Maybe. But I gotta be honest, I don't know who that Dean Winchester is. And I'm good with who I am. I'm good with who you are."

Later. Mary and John are holding hands, and I guess they're doing the thing now. I'd hoped they'd at least let these two have one last roll in the hay (especially since I'm pretty sure Mobby is permanently done after this), but no. They have a very sweet goodbye and their sons are brokenhearted and I am too. John tells his boys to take care of each other and Sam says "we always do." That's a nice change from telling Dean to take care of Sam, isn't it? He tells them both (BOTH) that he's proud of them and loves them, and they have a three-way hug and Sam wipes his eyes and Dean says "love you too" and I REALLY CAN'T, BOYS, YOU HAVE TO STOP. Then John takes Mary's hand again and Sam crushes the pearl (why does Sam have to be the one to do it?) and John glows and then fades away.

We get a quick glimpse of downtown Lebanon returning to normal, and the three teens talking about how cool it is that "those guys hunt monsters," and then we're back to the bunker. Cas walks in the door and sees the remaining Winchesters, obviously distressed, and asks what happened. "Well, there's a story," says Dean.

And finally, we see the Impala WITH HER ORIGINAL KANSAS PLATE. John's asleep in the driver's seat when he gets a phone call from Dean. "No, I'm okay, I just had one hell of a dream. No, it was a good one."

GUYS. GUYS.

When I heard there was going to be a musical episode for the 200th, I was sure it would suck. When I heard about the Scooby Doo crossover, I cringed, because I knew it would be awful. WHY AM I ALWAYS SO WRONG.

Eh, who cares why. Let's just appreciate what we were given. Happy 300, my friends. Here's to 300 more.

(Please help me stay unspoiled for future episodes, thanks!)