#I'm still not convinced by the background but I'm too lazy to fix it

[gildeddlily]

season 2 started off beautifully. I was ecstatic at the end of episode three, for the simple reason that it had the same spirit as season 1. Vi feeling like she made a mistake so big trying to reach Powder instead of seeing Jinx and the danger she represented that the only way to fix that for her was to join her oppressors. Caitlyn destroying all the progress she'd made, unlearning what she'd been taught about Zaun by being with zaunites like Vi, the moment one of them killed her mother, and embracing her roots we can say, talking of bad blood and "I thought you were different"- showing that the internalised racism was always there ready to resurface the moment it had an excuse to. Caitlyn saying that her mother being killed by a teenager who's never dealt with her trauma and mental illness is the same thing as Vi's parents being killed by members of a military institution, disregarding everything she knew about the pain and abuse Vi went through because of the Enforcers. a "men get abused too" situation, in which one ignores the social and historical background of that type of violence to feel less sorry about it. they were perfectly well written, because they are things we see everyday. my father taught me as a child that black people crossing the Mediterranean to look for work in Italy were a good thing, and now that he's had problems at work with one he's started saying the opposite. a gay man I knew laughed at trans folks and said they made things worse for us, ridiculing them in the company of straight people to feel less threatened. (not the exact same thing as what happened to Vi, but you get what I mean).

those are real things, and Arcane has always been good at showing real things.

later on, episode seven, Jayce fell down. he landed in the deepest hole of Zaun, broke his leg, was forced to wear a brace to walk, suffered and had to claw his way back to the surface, to Piltover, in a strange metaphor of Viktor's journey and life (saw a post talking even more beautifully about this, will put the link here if I find it again), and once he met Viktor again, he told him his illness, his legs, he, were beautiful. not despite everything. because of it. and now he can understand him a little more. now he says "your imperfections are beautiful" and we can believe him, because he's not speaking from the perspective of a man trying to convince his friend to stop harming others. he's a man trying to make his partner see that he still loves him, now that he's finally understood him after years of trying to reach the truth and always being stopped by something, and that he understands him enough to know why he's harming others, and that he cares for him enough to think that he will be able to understand why it's wrong. it's Viktor accepting the inevitability of being seen by someone who went to hell and back to reach him.

those were fucking beautiful arcs. they were.

and then?

Vi saw Caitlyn become what she'd always said she wouldn't become, and there were no repercussions. Catelyn got to walk away and live all the same. she lost an eye to Ambessa, but it was no punishment for what she'd done. how many people did she harm? how many people did her actions have repercussions on? Vi shouted at her once, and then it was like it had never happened- which is still real, I guess. it happens everyday. but I didn't see any wish to make us see how that was wrong. I don't want to be told "this is wrong", I'm old enough and smart enough to understand this, but I also think I can see the difference between trying to show deeper meanings and not wanting to deal with difficult plot lines.

and Zaun? it was sad. pathetic. years of abuse were what, forgotten and then vanished in thin air because there was a common enemy? that, sadly, isn't real. it isn't. years or oppression can't be forgotten so easily, not by the oppressed, for one "glorious" fight. it's lazy. what started as a good depiction of reality turned into an american wet dream of big fights and sad sacrifice scenes and epic love stories that cross any difficulty, and economic and social difference. don't you dare say something against Caitlyn and Vi's ending, they went through all that, they deserve nice things. they do. many other people did. no one cared about them tho.

so.

epic failure. good soundtracks tho.

[cafecxonmilk]

It's another one of those "Draw your ship like" anyway

[alethiometry]

WIP Game: Departures, please!

'departures' is the working title for my kasseivor/valhalla last chapter fix-it wip! it was borne out of my disdain for how utterly underwhelming the last chapter was, as well as just me using any excuse to shove kassandra into any scenario. my hope is that, although i don't plan on it being a very happy fic, and i still want it to end geographically in the same place as the last chapter, the emotional and narrative payoff feels much more earned.

the premise is that eivor convinces kassandra to join her raiders and come live in ravensthorpe for as long as she wants. kassandra knows she shouldn't stay long (and aletheia is in her head doubling down on this thought) but ultimately as a big fuck-you to aletheia and also because she has the biggest gayest crush on eivor, she does accept the offer.

the fic opens with kass arriving in ravensthorpe, and the general idea is kass and eivor growing closer as in the background other characters come and go. vili returns to snotinghamscire to finally accept his position as jarl. gunnar and brigid have a child. randvi finds her calling in joining the hidden ones (under both kass and hytham's tutelage) and accompanies hytham back east. rollo goes to france. the raven clan kids' trio are growing up. "dreams" by the cranberries is playing in the background despite not debuting for another thousand years and i'm crying my eyes out just thinking about it etc etc.

eventually aelfred comes knocking and eivor and sigurd clash over what to do; sigurd wants to resist aelfred's army by any means necessary (aka all-out war), but eivor (from her own experience fighting in the south, and advised by kass who has already observed the spread of christianity through her travels and feels this is a force that cannot be resisted outright the way sigurd thinks it can) is inclined to follow in her father's footsteps and surrender/come to some kind of compromise in order to spare her people.

and that's kind of where the details end. i've got maybe the first couple thousand words written and everything else vaguely outlined up to this point. i have some ideas/inspiration for how i want certain plot/character beats to go, but a lot of it is heavily influenced by the final season of black sails, so for the sake of @milfeivor who is still watching that for the first time, i will keep my mouth shut for now :)

the main issue is that i feel like in order to do justice to any of the characters i would either have to re-play the game (which is too fucking long and i don't want to do it), watch clips of character interactions and cutscenes on youtube (which i could do but am lazy), or read fics featuring the characters i want to write about (which i don't feel comfortable considering "research" because i don't want to mistake authorial interpretation for canon fact or unintentionally pass off somebody else's ideas as my own). so for all those reasons, this one is on the backburner. i do hope to come back to it one day, but for now i don't feel any real urgency to work on it.

also, havi/odin does not exist in this story or at least isn't narratively present, because i simply do not fucking care <3

[actually-reid]

filling in the blanks as we go - chapter five

pairing: spencer reid x reader

summary: Reid confronts you.

chapter one | read on ao3 | masterlist | chapter six |

I'm woken up gently by Reid's hand on my shoulder, my car door already open. Rubbing the sleep out of my eyes with my fingertips, I find myself missing his touch as he moves to help JJ before I can say anything. I head to the trunk whilst trying to shake myself awake, grabbing my go bag. The air is cold as it's so late into the night and I wrap my clothes more tightly around myself. I send Hotch a quick text to tell him that we're here and he replies instantly that they're waiting.

We get to the jet without hassle and we all settle in the same spots as this morning. Grabbing one of the blankets from a cubby hole, I settle in wait for Reid. JJ is quick to push him away and tell him to stop asking so many medical questions as she too settles down. I wonder how much she really heard from the unsub, from me. It was bad enough having Reid hear. I can only hope that that's not the reason why she's telling Reid to go sit down, her motherly tone clear and commanding despite her head injury. By the time Reid leaves her alone, I'm halfway through a game of spider solitaire on my phone.

I keep my eyes firmly fixed onto the screen in front of me as he sits in front of me. I expect him to dig through his satchel as always but he doesn't and I can feel him staring at me. There's a part of me that kicks myself for the sight he's looking at, I probably look awful: split lip, bruising face covered in a blanket playing solitaire like a grandma. A different part of me reminds me that Reid isn't much for appearances and I take solace in that as my game finishes unexpectedly despite the fact that I was the one playing it.

"You know, you can play solitaire with real cards." He starts and I'm glad for the soft entry. I lock my phone and put it away, finally allowing myself to look at him. He looks tired.

"I like to play one suit when I'm lazy and it also means you can't see how bad I am, Mr 'I'm-banned-from-every-casino-in-Las-Vegas'."

"You can't be that bad, you've been playing that since we went to Alaska six months and four days ago."

"I would love to see how your brain is so organised that you automatically know how long it's been since I downloaded solitaire on my phone."

"You really wouldn't."

His words fit the joking tone we'd developed but his intonation doesn't. It creates a void in the conversation I can't really follow, so an ugly silence develops as we listen to the background noise; Music leaking from Morgan's headphones, Hotch's pen scribbling over some paperwork and the engine's low rumbling.

The tone follows through to his expression too, his playfulness dissolving into a type of sadness that makes my chest ache. He seems to feel vulnerable at me seeing him this way for the first time and his gaze latches onto the window and stays there as he asks, "Did you mean it?"

It's really not the question I was expecting, I thought he'd be more direct about whatever was bothering him. "Which part?" I reply, still unsure about where this was going. I felt like I was at the beginning of a corn maze, not knowing where to go or what could be hidden inside it.

"When you said you'd die for me. I-I need - just tell me."

"Yes. Yes, I meant it."

"Please don't."

And that's when it hits me, why he looks so broken and why he'd called my name out when I'd said it back in that grungy kitchen.

Maeve.

It hadn't even entered my head, that someone had already died for him and that he'd had to live with it. I hadn't been part of the team when it happened but he'd shared his trauma to me over coffee one late night when we were convinced there wasn't another soul left in Quantico. A woman whose face he hadn't even seen until she'd died in front of him after lying to her that he didn't love her. A sacrifice that had just slipped by him, that he hadn't been able to stop until it was far far too late.

"Spence, I'm so sorry it didn't even enter my head I just needed to keep the negotiation rolling you know I would never-"

"I don't care that you said it in a hostage situation, I care that you meant it. Because that, that, is the last thing I would ever want you to do for me and I don't think I'd survive going through that again, especially with you."

The silence returns again as his words sit in the air between us.

"I think I would sacrifice myself for anyone on this jet, Spence-"

"Not for me. You have to promise me." He interrupts.

"No."

His eyes dart back up to mine, seemingly shocked that I would deny him. The disbelief spreads across his face like a flood, his head shaking with lines in his forehead and his eyes scrunched.

"No?"

"I'm being honest. I can't promise you that, Spence."

"Why not? Enlighten me."

"In the long run you'd be more useful than me."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means three PhDs and three degrees and an IQ of 187 will save more lives than me and I'm not selfish enough to think otherwise."

"Oh, it's down to qualifications now? What about your experience? Many studies argue that experience will always be more valuable than any amount of theory and yours is certainly invaluable to the team, you've talked down more unsubs than Morgan, JJ and I combined and you've barely been here as long as the rest of us."

"You were doing just fine before I came along."

"You've improved our success statistics by 12%."

"That's no evidence against the fact that you wouldn't have talked down those unsubs if I hadn't."

He huffs in something between anger and annoyance.

"I'm truly sorry that I reminded you of that situation Reid but I knew he wasn't going to do anything with that information, I was just trying to build rapport."

"You have no idea what he would have done or what he was going to do. He profiled as unpredictable and even showed as much when his mood drastically shifted with no trigger. He could have-"

"He couldn't have done anything, I had my gun trained on him the whole time. Do you really think I'm that incompetent?"

"You reminded an unsub of how easily he could have killed you earlier, how does that show competency?"

"Is that what this is really about? If this is you showing guilt over the fact I could have died today - save it. It's the job and we both know that."

"That is not what this is about."

"Then what is it about then? Because I am tired and I thought we'd just made up, the last thing I want Reid is an argument."

"I don't want an argument either but I don't want my best friend dying for me more, is it really that shocking that I would want to prevent that?"

"No, of course not but all I'm saying is that you can't-"

I cut myself off because of the way he's looking at me, like I'm holding up the sky and that's all I'll be doing for the rest of my life - trapped. It's a pleading look, where his bottom lip is between his teeth in worry and he looks so despondent that this transcends any puppy eyes expression I've seen from him before. This isn't like begging for the last chocolate donut with sprinkles this is like begging for his own life, not even mine.

My mouth opens and makes the shape of his name but there's no effort from my throat to voice it aloud and my lips press into a line.

"I know you think I'm being selfish, but I can't imagine this team without you anymore. I like to think I'm not selfish that often - maybe I've saved it all up for this."

"You think you've saved up all your selfishness to keep me alive?"

"In this hypothetical situation - yes."

I can tell that he's trying to make sure we don't argue here, I'm supposed to just smile, shut up and agree with him. It's a nice sentiment but I've always been a realist. He hasn't changed my mind.

"Then I'm sorry Spencer Reid, but it turns out I just have more selfishness in stock than you."

He seems disappointed now, the kind that hides anger. I can see the switch in his behaviour from offensive to defensive and resigned. "Were you always this stubborn?"

"About important things, yes." I say bluntly.

"Then I guess we never talked about anything important before."

"Really? That's what you're gonna go with?"

"I have explained my point of view to you, you know the grief I've suffered." He states bitterly.

"Yes I do but Reid have you ever asked JJ or Emily not to do this? Because I have a very suspicious feeling that you haven't."

Pause. "They're different."

"Different how?"

He doesn't say anything, simply keeps his eyes glazed to the window deep in thought.

"Typical." I breathe, lying back in my seat with my arms crossed.

"Your pupils dilated when I held you up today."

I've been around him long enough to read between the lines that Spencer Reid says, his words barely ever not thought through and meaningful when he speaks. Mortification is the first thing I register as his words sift through my head and it isn't helped by the realisation that there's no music leaking from Morgan's headphones anymore or that Hotch's pen has stopped scratching. I can see JJ from where I'm sat but I don't dare look up at her, instead my gaze latching onto the man sat opposite me. I'm sure he's aware now too that we have an audience but that doesn't stop him from talking. With the others clearly listening, our voices aren't as hushed anymore.

"And from the lack of response, I'm right." He adds.

The arrogance of his statement trips something in me, creating the embers of anger that are only made from shock. Spencer Reid has never been an arrogant man and he's only this confident when he knows he's right. I fight my feelings to show disbelief on my face rather than the conflict I'm struggling to contain.

"Right about what, genius? It was dark and I'd just suffered a minor head trauma."

"Okay, what about how you were flushed and had an elevated heart rate as I checked you over?"

I force a look of confusion. "I'd just fought an unsub off single handedly-"

"We both know that you were running off adrenaline for much longer than you should have been." He interrupts. The urge to shout at him appears as he airs all of my physical symptoms of attraction to the jet.

"What are you trying to get out of me Reid, that I like you?" I scoff. My head is screaming, Say everything you'd say if you didn't like him!

"I'm saying someone clearly didn't read the anti-fraternisation clause of our contract whilst joining up and now it's affecting your decisions."

I blink and stare at him blankly. "That's the best you can come up with? I already said I would sacrifice myself for anyone on the team. I mean, Hotch is a dad, JJ is a mom, Derek is like a brother and Emily is like a sister."

"And me?"

"You were my best friend - before you turned into an arrogant asshole. Even if what you thought that was true, why would you say that when we're not in private? Worst case scenario if Hotch believed what you just said then I would lose this job."

He seems to have no response for that, his legs now crossed and his head hidden in his book. The anger finally rises to the surface and starts to overflow, the fact that this man that I cared so much about just tried to ruin my career and take away the job I've been working up to for years.

I have always been a woman who cries in anger and frustration, something in itself which frustrates me more than whatever usually starts me crying. I can feel the tears burning my eyes and they begin to swim to the forefront of my vision and I decide that I can't stand to sit opposite him a moment longer.

"You know how much this means to me." I whisper. "And you're the one comparing me to your ex-girlfriend." I leave out the word 'dead' but I'm sure he hears it anyway.

I stand and let out a breath silently but then I'm faced with the rest of the team as I try to make my way to the other side of the plane. I curse myself for choosing my seat this morning and as I keep my eyes locked to the floor I can see their faces looking at me worriedly in my peripherals and it's a painful reminder that nearly all of them know. It only adds to the volume of tears I can feel swimming in my vision but I manage to stop them from falling until I lock the cubicle door behind me, embarrassment added to the list of emotions that I can't comprehend.

I'd spent the whole day trying to distract myself from how much I liked the man who had just scolded me publicly. I think it must be the whiplash of our relationship that really starts the tear tracks down my cheek and I turn on the tap to cover up any sobs that escape just a little too loudly.

He knew how I felt and his way of showing it was to state it publicly and use it against me in an argument. That pretty much dashes all my hope that he might feel the same way although in the moment that doesn't compare to the betrayal I'm feeling, my tears more outrage than melancholy. Even so, his behaviour came across as hypocritical. I had seen Reid fluster under unwanted advances and whilst I hadn't made any moves, I knew it didn't take much to make him uncomfortable. He hadn't shown any signs of discomfort from being around me the whole day.

The image of the unsub staring Reid down as he tried to die comes back to me, along with every other piece of evidence. His hands on my waist, him defending me, his apology and admittance of hating how Strickland had looked at me. His anger at me being willing to die for him. He's spent years on the team with JJ and Emily before I had joined and yet this relationship I had with him was different from them. I hadn't seen an argument from him like this before either.

I'm a coward about facing him again so I stay hidden until I hear the classic ding of recommended seatbelts before landing. I'd made sure to freshen up so whilst my cheeks are slightly flushed, there's no glistening tears down them and I don't look at anyone as I retake my seat opposite him. I'm tuning everything out, although I can't tell if it's by choice. I concentrate on the feeling of my bottom lip becoming sore between my teeth and my mind registers that Reid might have said my name a couple minutes too late, not that I would have listened anyway.

When the plane lands, my go bag finds its place on my shoulder and as we wait silently for the stairs to unfold I feel JJ's hand squeeze mine. It brings me back for just a second and I meet her stare which I nearly regret as I spot Prentiss also trying to meet my eye and Morgan staring very intensely at Reid behind me. With a blunt nod aimed at both of them, my eyes resume their inspection of the carpet before the stairs are finally ready and we disembark.

We walk in a line towards the SUVs ready to take us back to Quantico and I'd be lying if I said my heart didn't sink at the idea of not sitting comfortably next to Reid. Late night rides back home were something I usually enjoyed, the idea of a case being solved as well as it could have with nothing but sleep on the agenda for the next couple hours. Sometimes, I'd fall asleep despite the very short journey time back to base or other times Reid and I would talk some nonsense, usually Star Trek. I knew that wasn't going to happen tonight.

This time, the team seem to realise (or profile) that that wasn't the case this time. Not only was I too worked up emotionally to sleep but there was no way I'd be comfortable sitting next to Reid. I watch as either oblivious or also emotionally fatigued as well, Reid doesn't notice Morgan winking at me before taking my spot in the SUV, letting me inherit his spot in the other car. I give him a forced smile to show my appreciation and ignore the, "Morgan?", I hear as I slide into the passenger door opposite Hotch.

Hotch glances at me, clearly expecting Morgan, before nodding to himself as he starts up the vehicle and begins the drive back. I'm glad that I'm not sat in the back with JJ, really not wanting the subject broached yet. I'm visualising Chinese takeout and Netflix when surprisingly Hotch is the one that starts.

"I'm not going to transfer you because of what Reid suggested on the jet."

I take a moment to swallow his words. I try not to read into the fact that he said he wasn't going to transfer me, not that he didn't believe Reid. "Thank you, sir."

"I still can't believe what he said." JJ says. "He hasn't been like that in a long time." She adds, although mostly to herself.

Whilst I know she means well, JJ's sympathy isn't something I want right now so I stay quiet. She seems to get the message.

We arrive back at base and usually we all head back inside to wind down for a couple of minutes or so, say hi to Garcia and pick up our debriefing documents before heading home. Tonight though as the night air bites coldly at my neck and hands, I hang back as I watch the others head inside. I wonder why Hotch has parked us on the other side of the lot, nearly as far away from the building as possible when he appears next to me at the trunk.

"I think those debriefing documents can wait until tomorrow. I know most of us won't look at them until then anyway since it's nearly 2AM."

I try not to think about what Reid must have done after I had left my seat on the jet for Hotch to be this nice to me. I mutter a meaningful thanks to him as he leaves my side to carry JJ's bag and I head to my car. I ignore how I'm nearly jogging to get in and once I do I simply sit in the driver's seat, bag tossed behind me to the backseat. I don't put the keys in the ignition, not wanting the overhead light to draw attention to me. Instead, my head finds its place to rest on top of the steering wheel and I force some deep breaths. It's started to drizzle but I watch as JJ and Hotch make it inside before the rain catches them. The other SUV pulls up just as they disappear from sight and I watch inconspicuously as Prentiss parks and the others pool out. I can tell that the journey hasn't been a comfortable one from the way Prentiss and Morgan grab their bags and make headway as quickly as they can, Reid idling behind them to let the distance grow. By the time that the pair are inside, Reid is ambling towards the entrance still. My hands reach for my keys and plug them into the ignition but I look up before I engage the engine.

This late at night, I would have usually given him a lift home. Something claws at my chest at denying him the favour but the betrayal I feel overpowers it. He hesitates going inside, clearly building up the nerve whilst thinking I'm inside the building. He's clasping his hands together nervously and jogging his leg on the spot as he eyes up the doorway.

His behaviour indicates that he still cares. Otherwise, he would have just swanned in without a care.

With that, my hand seems to turn automatically and the lights on my car all come on automatically. If I had thought about it any longer, I would have waited because the lights seem to draw him out of whatever hole he was thinking and his head darts towards me. I make an effort not to look at him, to make it look like I haven't noticed him. I pretend to look for my badge on the passenger seat to let me out of the lot as I'm forced to drive straight past him.

Pulling out the lot, I allow myself one glance in my side mirror. He's stood still facing me but I leave him there behind. I feel his gaze on me the rest of the drive home in the dark.

tag list: @measure-in-pain @ilovespencerreidmarryme @spencersrose @chelsea-the-enchanted

tags that are struck through - check your privacy settings :/

[chrisdiels-babygirl]

It's All In Your Head Baby

This is my original writing you do not have permission to copy it. Changing the boy or slightly changing details is still plagiarism. If I find out that you've copied my writing I will not hesitate to publicly shame you and report your sorry ass✌🏼😗

(Bold writing is her anxiety thoughts, just so everyone knows)

✨Trigger Warning- talking about anxiety✨

You know what the funny thing is, is that when Chris' and I had started dating I had told him that I had anxiety, he looked at me and said it wasn't a problem because he still liked me, but I don't think Chris realized how big a problem my anxiety was going to be until lately, I had really been feeling the affects of my anxiety lately, I couldn't stop myself from thinking that the boys secretly hated me and found me annoying, that they were only friends with me because they felt sorry for me, that Chris secretly hated and found me annoying too, that he knew he could do better than me and he was just waiting for a hotter girl to come along so he could dump me. I know I should be reminding myself that all five of the boys love me no matter what and Chris would never replace me, but thats the cruel part about anxiety it makes you doubt yourself and second guess everything that you know is true.

I decided to try to maybe sleep it off, maybe when I woke up my anxiety would have subsided. Just as I layed down and fluttered my eyes closed I heard footsteps entering the bedroom "Qué estás haciendo" Chris asked, I gently opened my eyes "I was gonna take a nap" he looked at me with his adorable big brown eyes that I loved "did you forget you said you were coming with me to the party for work tonight? If you're not feeling well you should stay home though" he softly uttered as he looked into my eyes. I shot up out of the bed "no no I'll go, just give me a second to get ready" I said as I started to look through the closet, as Chris walked back out I sarcastically thought to myself, great you couldn't even remember his work function tonight, he probably thinks you're a great girlfriend, that voice in my head was mocking me, it was feeding on my insecurities and I knew that but I couldn't stop myself from thinking those thoughts. I didnt even really make that much of an effort tonight, I didn't really wanna get dressed up to sit in a room full of women who were hotter than me and they didn't even have to try, so I just put on the first dress I could find, put some make up on, put some heels on and grabbed my clutch. As I walked out of the bedroom Christopher's eyes scanned me over, a lazy smile stretched across his face "Te ves hermosa como siempre mi amor" he said walking towards me, he's lying, I did my best to give him a smile as I rushed to get my coat before he could get to me "we're going to be late, come on, let's go" I said rushing out the door.

We were in the car on our way to the event, Chris had placed his hand on my thigh like he usually did when he was driving, problem is he visibly noticed me recoil when he placed his hand there, the thing is I was doing what I usually did, pushing him away before he got the chance to hurt me, because in my head I felt like if I pushed him away it'll hurt less when he inevitably leaves me, he carefully pulled his hand off my thigh and put it back on the steering wheel "nena is everything alright" he quickly glanced at me with worry in his eyes, "yes I'm fine" no you're not, I gave him a weak smile. As we walked inside the venue we saw the rest of the boys sitting at our table, as we got closer the boys stood up to greet us, I quickly turned to Chris "I'm gonna go to the bar, I'll be back" I said rushing off in the direction of the bar. I could see Chris and the guys as they talked glancing over here every now and again they're probably talking about how annoying you are, Zabdiel made his way over to me at the bar, he carefully sat down in the seat next to me "do you wanna talk about it" he softly spoke as studied my face he doesn't really care "talk about what, there's nothing to discuss" he audibly sighed "come on y/n, Chris said you've been really distant with him the past week, you wont let him touch you or kiss you and you've been ignoring the rest of us too, I mean come on I thought we were best friends and best friends tell each other everything" he had a pleading look in his eye he's not really your best friend, he doesn't really care.

Later that night as we walked inside the apartment Chris stopped in the middle of the living room " do you not love me anymore?" I whirled around "what" I looked at him with disbelief in my eyes "do you not love me anymore nena? Because lately you barely talk to me, you wont let me touch you, I mean for god sake you hardly even look at me anymore, so if you don't love me anymore I'd really appreciate it if you'd tell me instead of ignoring me" he exsasperated. How do I even begin to tell the man that I love that my mind has been deceiving me, convincing me that he and the rest of the guys secretly hate me "of course I still love you, how could you think I don't? but i cant tell you you're going to think I'm being rediculous" I weakly whispered, he grabbed my face with both his hands "look at me, look at me nena, I wont think you're rediculous, I just need you to tell me what the problem is so I can fix it" he desperately pleaded looking into my eyes while worry flooded his, I turned away from him crossing my arms across my chest "I just- I just feel like lately that I'm a burden to you and the rest of the boys,that you don't really care about me, that you don't really love me, that as soon as you get the chance to leave me for someone hotter you will, so I've been pushing you away because in my head it'll make it hurt less when you decide to leave me" I ranted, the room flooded with silence, I quickly turned around only to see that Chris stood there with tears brimming his eyes "how could you think that nena, I love you, I love you so fucking much, all I've wanted to do for the past week is hug you, kiss you and love you, but I just felt like you didn't want me around" he whispered as his voice cracked and he sniffled, I suddenly started to cry also "Chris I could never stop loving you, you're one of the best parts of my day. Its just lately my anxiety has been making me doubt everything, like when you say you love me or when you say I look beautiful" his face softened even more if that was possible as he walked over, holding my face with his hands again, resting his forehead against mine "thats all in your head baby, your mind is lying to you, I love you so fucking much and I'm gonna keep reminding you and showing you if thats what it takes for you to believe me, te quiero mucho bebé" he softly muttered the last part as he leaned in further to press his plump lips against mine, I could feel all the passion, love and yearning Chris had for me displayed in this one kiss, the last week I had been feeling so crappy, who knew that all I needed was to talk to Chris and get a kiss from him to start feeling better. We spent the remainder of the evening cuddled up while, Netflix playing in the background as white noise, Chris occasionally kissed me, while he continuously reminded me of all the things he loved about me, while I also reminded him of all the things that made me fall in love with him.