#I'm starting to suspect this has something to do with the multiple men who were stalking me and the abduction attempt

[50000bears]

Umm guess whose google account got hacked and who didn't notice the hacker was constantly logging in for 5 years

[dirtylittlefairytales]

Don't play with fire | - Part 1 - |

Authors Note: Hey. This is my first try ever writing in English, since it's not my first language. I read it over several times, hopefully to correct all mistakes. Also this is the first try of fanfiction since 2016. Sooo I appreciate feedback and let me know what you think.. Please be kind. 🙏🥹

Originally I wanted to write a short backstory, but I think it’s just going to be multiple parts if you want to read it. So see this as a kind of introduction. In further chapters I wanted to try myself to write my smut fantasies out. I'm also going to upload this later to Ao3 under the username Lorily96.

-> Writing in 'italic' is supposed to be the your thoughts

Warnings: Describing of a Panic attack, Age Gap (Legal)

Word count: 8k

Tagging: @a-movie-that-youve-never-seen, @amethystblackkchaos, @hereforthehitsbaby

Some people say life is a cruel joke. Unexpected twists and pain waiting around every corner. Some people say the glass is never empty and everything happens for a reason. You can learn from anything.  Everyone you meet is either there for a reason, for a season or... for ever. However the world is not black and white, sometimes there is no reason at all. You know how you sometimes laugh when something bad happens to a stranger or friend. Like their ice cream falling to the ground, seeing a cop writing a ticket for somebody else. I think ‘Life’ itself is bored just like us. That's why sometimes you feel like it’s only getting worse. Doesn’t matter what you do, there is no luck to be found. That's exactly how you felt that day. Just strings of bad luck and to this day you still question yourself. Why? Why didn’t you say something? Why did you do it? Why didn’t you walk away? How did all of this happen in the first place? The events of that day living rent-free in your head, keeping you up at night.

~ Sometimes Life has a dark and twisted humor. ~

All those overprotective dads, who only want the best for their daughter. Your dad was one of them. He always told you: "Be wary of strangers", "Never tell someone your name if you feel something is off", “Go with your gut feeling” and "don't go near the car of a stranger". Seriously, he had good points.

Unfortunately, he didn’t tell you what to do, when you suspect someone is a serial killer. Maybe running or keeping your nose out of the situation would have been a great option. Well, since daddy had been out of the picture since you were 12, maybe he would have some kind of advice for that. Your mom had found out he was cheating, and after the divorce, he cared more about his new girlfriend and son than you. Why care about the daughter you raised for 12 years, your beloved wife, when you can just throw it away and play happy family with the next woman you find.

At times, you wonder if that's the reason you had some kind of daddy issues. Perhaps you liked older men like him because of that. Even today, his face still haunts and excites you at the same time. Remembering how drawn you were to him. He was so charming and devilishly handsome. You felt sick and appalled at yourself for feeling this way. Everything he did, seemed to play into his hands. Who would suspect the nice and charming dad next door? How many times did you lay awake in bed at night, the events of that day replaying themselves over and over. Like a continuous loop with no escape… 

It felt like yesterday. The only reason you were at the concert in the first place was because one of the other guys quit a week before. You couldn’t even blame him, since your boss was a total dick. Ever since you started working in the company a year ago he was just looking for a reason to fire you. Always criticizing you, commenting when your bathroom break was too long. Wore a skirt? Too provocative. Wore a sweater? Be more professional. You could make a whole list of the things he pulled off. You fucking hated working in that place and even more to work outside or around many people. You chose to work in IT because you could work alone and in peace. 

Outside of work, you were a relatively social person. Many friends and people seemed to like you. Despite preferring to rather stay home alone, with your cat and books, you were surprisingly good at making conversations. It felt strange, kind of ironic. Life had a stupid sense of humor. Sometimes you even felt like you were good at reading people. Your mom called it your sixth sense.

Working at the arena for the concert was a real hassle. It was so stressful. Over a week before the actual concert there was already a meeting. Everybody working in the stadium that night was there. They didn’t reveal too much that day. Apparently the whole concert was also a trap for this serial killer? 

They called him - The Butcher 

You remember hearing and reading about him in the news. He had killed 12 people till now and the FBI was sure he was going to show up there. Everything was top secret, everyone had an extra card for controls during that day and a code word. On the day of the concert you arrived extra early to get the last directions for the day. They even told you what he potentially could look like.

Work was boring. The company you were working for was responsible for ensuring that all the screens, cameras were working, both on the outside and on the stage, that the wifi was stable and so on… not the hardest task. There also were others who ensured the overall technology and speakers worked, but that wasn’t your job. Most of the time you and your colleague were sitting backstage, talking shit about your boss and listening to the show, at least you were, because lovely colleague Eric would do most of the stuff alone. What a sweetheart, right?

It felt a bit bad taking advantage of him. You knew he had a big crush on you, he wasn’t exactly hiding it. Relaxing backstage appealed more to you. Therefore it was totally fine with your conscience. This job was a pain in the ass and you already started applying for new jobs. You just had to hang on for a few more weeks. Hoping you could quit soon and work in a non toxic environment.

The first half of the concert remained uneventful. Fortunately, because your room was in the backstage area, you even talked to Lady Raven for a bit on her break. She was so nice and friendly. On and off stage, her whole personality was the same. Which you found truly great, a person like that was hard to find nowadays. The thinker for example seemed like a total dick from what you saw. Lady Raven and you also had some similar interests, it was so easy to talk to her.After asking about it, she told you that they hadn’t found the Butcher yet. She even told you a few more details on how the police got the information of him being there. Before she left you wished her good luck with the rest of her show and went back to work for a bit. 

Later on during the second half of the show, you stepped near the stage. The atmosphere felt incredible. The lights, the performance on stage and the fans screaming and singing the songs of Lady Raven. How you wished to be standing in the crowd just vibing and dancing to the music instead of working. If it weren’t for all the extra police and security in the arena, it would be a normal concert. 

Slowly you started making your way backstage as you saw people approaching from the audience room. Honestly you weren’t keen on talking to many people. Lady Raven started talking and announcing her dreamer girl, Riley. That must be why the people came in from the audience. At the end of the stage you turned around again. On your former spot stood a man. He was tall, with a nice backside, no doubt the father of the dreamer girl, looking at the stage.  Though he seemed to take a quick look around every now and then. Looking at him, he didn’t look like he was having much fun being here. He looked rather stiff. As you started walking back in his direction to get a better look, Eric called you. Sighing, you turned around. As you were making your way backstage, you felt like someone was watching you. 

“Hey, somewhere outside, a monitor has a bluescreen. I'll quickly go fix it. The show is nearly over. After that, we can start with cleaning things up.” Eric told you, as you walked down the stairs towards him.

“Okay, do you need my help?” You asked him, pushing a blonde strand of hair behind your ear, batting your eyes at him, hoping he would say no. 

“No of course not! I can do it alone. The problem is not that hard.” he answered, trying to show off.

You smiled. “Okay great! Then, see you later.” 

You walked past him into the backstage area. It wasn't that you disliked him, he was nice for a work colleague. However, nothing more. For one you had not much in common besides work, and he was a pushover. You could not imagine being with a man who had no opinion and just waited for you say anything until he stated his opinion. 

‘Like have an opinion, Boy?’ Rolling your eyes at the mere thought of his personality, you grabbed yourself a drink and went back to your little break room.

There you waited for the concert to finish, which you knew shouldn’t take too long now. When you heard the last song finished you decided to grab your purse and go into the hallway. Considering it was too good of an opportunity to pass by. When would you ever see celebrities up so close again? Maybe you could ask Lady Raven for a selfie? Or an autograph? You weren’t the biggest fan, but there was a possibility you could sell that autograph later on.

Uncertain where to go, you stood in the hallway. Dancers ran past you. Nobody seemed to take much notice of you. Coming from the left, you saw the thinker walking towards you, and kind of flirting with someone behind him. ‘Spicy.’ A light chuckle escaped you. Curiosity filled your brain and you decided to head in the direction he came from.

In the middle of the hallway, where several corridors met, stood Riley, the dreamer girl and her dad. If you remembered her name correctly that is. You stopped walking and observed them quietly from a little further away. 

‘Did the Thinker flirt with him?’ Now that you got a better view of him, you found that theory pretty reasonable. It felt almost unfair how attractive he looked. 

‘Was he married? Presumably.’ Not that you would consider making a move, besides his daughter was standing right next to him. That would be so awkward. Also remembering, the last time you let someone in, things unraveled in ways that left you a bit guarded. Despite your people skills, your mom and you apparently both had a thing for cheaters. After a year of being single, you told yourself it was for the best. Except for your job, life was good– At least that's what you tried to tell yourself.

Nevertheless you would never have considered being attracted to older men. He was at least 10 years older than you, maybe more. You were 25, and he could easily be in his 30s or even early 40s. All of a sudden the profiler’s description came back into your head: tall, strong, dark hair... 

Even though you've never been overly spiritual, you did believe in a sixth sense. The longer you thought about it, him standing in that hallway backstage. The way he subtly kept looking around for a second. Nobody noticed. ‘Wait… Did he notice you watching them?’ 

Pulling out your phone, you started swiping and typing randomly. Trying to look busy. Your thoughts were racing. He matched the description perfectly, and here he was, casually joking with his daughter like he didn’t have a care in the world. Despite his friendly smile and demeanor, there was something unsettling about him—a bit too friendly, almost fake? 

After looking at him a bit more, it just clicked into place. You couldn’t shake off the feeling that that may be him, the Butcher. Until now they hadn't found him, not that you knew of. So they were still searching for him. People backstage were rarely searched, except when they wanted to leave the arena.

‘God, you should think rationally. Could that really be him? Still he seemed normal…’

Except the look in his eyes. That look gave you unpleasant goosebumps. You grew anxious, you knew where the camera room was. Police officers were definitely going to be there and maybe the profiler was there. Then you could ask her if the man had been checked by security or talk to her about your uneasy feeling. 

Unfortunately you would have to pass him to get to the camera office. If he hadn't noticed you before, he certainly would then. Could you keep your cool? It didn’t matter. You knew you would overthink it in the evening, you had to do it. Your heart was starting to pound audibly in your chest. 

‘Deep breaths–

Breathe in, breathe out. 

Close your eyes, take a deep breath and go. Don't panic.’ Grabbing your phone tightly in your hand, you started walking. 

As you approached them, Lady Raven emerged from her dressing room and started talking to Riley. She was so happy, grinning from ear to ear. As they chatted happily, the dad leaned forward and whispered something to Lady Raven that you couldn't make out. 

As soon as you heard her tell his daughter that they would talk shortly, alarm bells were going off in your head. Your brain stopped working, and your legs and mouth moved on their own. You felt a certain hero complex activating within you. ‘What if he was the Butcher? There was a possibility’

You felt uncomfortable leaving her alone with him. Something felt off. Before they could leave, you sprinted the last few meters towards them. Trying to cry on arrival. 

“Lady Raven, hay… I eh.. I.. I don't... Could I.. could I talk to you for a second? Please, I don't know what to do.. I–” you sniffled. You tried your best to cry. ‘Come one, you could lie better than that’, you thought angrily at yourself. ‘Who would believe you like this?’ This wasn’t going to be the first lie you ever told. You even lied on your last résumé. 

She immediately turned around her face full of concern and worry. For a second you thought you saw his jaw tensing and left eye twitch. ‘Did you imagine it? ‘

“Oh no. Hey, what's going on? You’re Y/N, right? We met earlier.” You nodded your head, keeping the hand over your lower face, while trying to remain in tears. For once, you were glad that you chose to wear your hair open today. Your long blond locks shielded your face even more from the prying eyes around you. 

“What's going on? Are you alright? Did something happen?” She asked more and more questions, putting her hand on your shoulder, trying to comfort you.

“There was an accident, I...“ You just kept mumbling incomprehensible nonsense. Still shaking, sobbing, trying not to look up. You didn't even know what to do, what to say. 

“Hay, ehm… I’m so sorry. Could you give us a second? I will be right back. It won’t take long.." she said, apologizing to the two of them. 

“Of course, no problem. This seems serious! Take your time.”, said the man, his voice laced with concern.

‘Why did he sound so genuine, like he is truly concerned? Maybe I judged him too fast?‘

Gently Lady Raven took one of your hands and started to lead you away. It didn’t matter anyway, there was no going back. Now you need to play your outburst to the end and come up with a plausible story. While she brought you into her dressing room, it felt as if someone was staring holes into your back. 

After the door closed, you immediately felt more at ease. Bit by bit you tried to calm yourself. At least that was what it seemed on the outside. You don’t remember much of what you told her, some kind of sob story. The first idea that came into your mind. About your dad having a car accident. The whole car crashed... With your car being parked further away from the arena and you were so afraid your dad could die. That you at worst wouldn't make it to the hospital in time with all the police controls going on in and outside the arena. 

You cried, trying to think your story would be about your mom and not your dad. Which did the trick and made you sad. Being the kind person she is, Lady Raven suggested that you could drive with her in her limo, so you didn't have to go through the queues or security, and she would take you to the hospital or your car. You thanked her over and over again, as you wiped your tears away. 

How high was the possibility that the dad would like to briefly speak to Lady Raven again, when you went in the hallway again? Then everything would have been in vain. However you could’t pressure her. Something came over you, so you suggested that perhaps the other two could join them. Maybe they could also drive in the car? You tried explaining your suggestion somewhat rationally. That way she can still talk with the dad,

you would feel extremely bad if you kept her from talking to her fans. You didn’t want to cause any more trouble. 

Surprisingly, that seemed to work? No further persuasion was necessary. Which left you very surprised and perplexed. Was she truly such a kind person? Who was so trusting? Especially with everything that was going on here today. ‘Did she have such a shielded and good life, that she blindly believed you?’ You wondered.

‘Unimaginable…that could not be the case. You didn’t believe there were any truly good people left in this world.’

After another minute of collecting yourself, you went after Lady Raven. She had already gone ahead and had already told them the short version of what was going on, when you arrived. Asking them if they wanted to come too, so she and the dad could have their talk. She was way too kind and somewhat naive to even suspect you’d be lying. You almost felt ashamed of yourself, even stupid. What were you even doing?

The daughter gasped and tried not to jump up and down in joy, the way she gripped her dad's arm. She seemed to be torn between worrying about you and happiness. By being asked to drive with Lady Raven, her seemingly favorite artist in the world. She was honored and extremely happy for a few seconds, then she stopped and looked at you sympathetically. 

“I’m so sorry about the thing with your dad...” Nodding weakly at her, trying to keep your act up, you gave her a half smile. Unknowingly to you, you had started twisting the ring on your middle finger. A Tic. Something you always did when you're stressed out or nervous. 

The ring was nothing special. A plain black ring with some Greek numbers on it. A gift from your mom; from the only holiday you ever had taken outside the USA and since you were eighteen, there was hardly a day you didn’t wear it. 

“Why don’t we lead the way? That way, we can talk.” said Lady Raven and gestured to the man. 

“Yes of course... I mean, the circumstances are not the best, but thank you for considering Riley and me. We appreciate it.” He replied, looking concerned but with something unreadable in his eyes that made you want to look anywhere but at him. 

“It is no problem at all. Actually it was Y/N here suggesting it. She would have felt bad if we hadn't been able to have our conversation because of her.”

He raised a brow at you. “That is so thoughtful and kind of you to still think of others. Something really rare these days”

As he walked past you, he briefly touched your shoulder, making you nearly jump out of your skin. “And I’m really sorry about your dad. I hope he pulls through. Let us know if there’s anything we can do to help” he smiled kindly at you.. 

“Yes, I hope so too. Thank you…” You trailed off, realizing you didn’t know his name. 

“Oh I didn’t even introduce myself. I'm Cooper, just call me Cooper.” holding out his hand.

“Well, thank you Cooper. Also, for your offer, maybe I will come back to that." you shook his hand. He had a firm, but not to strong grip. 'so he was married'

"Let’s get going, please.” Somewhere in between Cooper coming close to you, you almost forgot that you had a mission to get to the hospital fast. Daddy dearest was waiting.

He nodded and as he passed you, walking ahead, you suddenly realized just how big that man was. You hadn't even noticed it before. However, standing right next to him you realized it. He was at least 6′2″, not overly muscular, but also not skinny either. Lady Raven seemed tiny next to him, and you weren’t tall yourself—maybe around 5′5″ on a good day. 

Still, something about his vibe felt off. He seemed caring, yet on the other hand, almost relieved—or amused? 

Riley and you walked a bit behind the two to the cat, nobody had to go through any controls. Riley was such a sweet girl, asking you questions or talking about the concert to ‘take your mind off of your situation’. She was so nice. You kind of wish that you had a little sister like her, but no, you only had a half brother. The only reason he ever contacted you was for money from our grandparents' inheritance.

It was only when you reached the end of the corridor, you noticed Cooper looking over his shoulder. One corner of his mouth pulled upwards and his expression changed. Something sinister in his eyes for a split second. So fast that you were doubting yourself again.

Near the limousine, you felt your phone vibrating, probably Eric wanting to ask where you were. You had no time for that now. Shaking your head, you declined the call and started to write to him, saying that an emergency had come up and you would be back later. You didn’t notice that you arrived at the car until someone cleared their throat in front of you.  

Fuck, you almost ran directly into Cooper. Lady Raven and Riley had already gone inside. He looked at me expectantly, a small smile at his lips. You quickly locked your phone and held it up. “Sorry, my… Sister. She gave me the latest updates on our dad.." you explained, the lies just kept rolling off your tongue, and you just hoped they sounded believable. With that you went straight to the car, without waiting for a response. 

Maybe you should have started an acting career… 

You quickly sat down in the car, with Cooper following shortly after you. Keeping your phone in your hand to secretly keep twisting your ring behind it.

This guy was making you so nervous, not only him but also the lies. You even thought you heard a small deep chuckle from behind you, maybe it was just your nerves? The car started moving. You wondered what they talked about… What did he want to talk about to her? 

Lady Raven's voice brought you out of your thoughts. “Y/N, where should I let you out? You remember where you parked your car? Or should we drive directly to the hospital?” 

Car yeah… you almost laughed. You knew exactly where your car was, a few miles away at the mechanic, because your lights weren’t working. Why hadn’t you thought of that. 

“Eh no, no! Just let me know where my car is. It’s a few blocks away. At this free parking space. There’s my car; let me look up the street real quick…” That wasn't a complete lie. Normally, you would park your car there, because it was just cheaper than parking near or in the stadium. Now just your bike was parked there, well, if nobody had stolen it.

You started to unlock your phone to look up the address. A large hand grabbed your hand with your phone to stop you. Before you could even protest or say something, Cooper started talking in his chipper, happy voice. 

“Really? What a coincidence! I think that should be the same parking lot where Riley and I parked my car earlier. I do know the address, it’s just around the corner.  You don't have to look it up.” Lady Raven pressed a button and Cooper told the chauffeur where to go. The address did sound somewhat familiar. You pulled your phone and hand out of his grip. There wasn't much resistance and he put his hands back into his lap. 

You looked back at Riley and Lady Raven, they were deeply engaged in a conversation with each other. Noticing nothing around the. The phone in your hand started ringing again, and you quickly looked at the screen. This time, it was your boss; should you just accept the call? You did not get much time to think about it. 

“Have you heard anything yet?”, came Riley’s question towards you. 

You started twisting your ring again. 

“Ah yes, yes… My brother texted me..” your breath caught in your throat. Realizing you messed up. ‘Didn’t you just say to Cooper that it was your sister? Maybe he didn't notice. Good thing you hadn’t pursued your acting career…‘

“...and the doctor said it doesn’t look critical. Our dad seems stable at the moment… but he needs to be operated on quickly.. I'm sure I will get more information as soon as…” 

All of a sudden the whole car jolted to a stop, followed by wild car honking. You tried to find your footing, unintentionally gripping onto Cooper's thigh. Right before you could fall off your seat a hand pressed against your shoulder and pushed you back into the seat. You dug your nails even more into his thigh. Riley's bags tipped forward and many of the contents scattered a little on the floor. “Sorry, Lady Raven. The car in front of us braked abruptly." The driver apologized. 

“Everyone alright?” Cooper asked, concern dripping in his voice. 

“All good” said Riley and Lady Raven nodded. 

“Yes, I think so..” you  breathed. He came closer pushing a loose strand behind your ear. A blush crept on your face. After another second, you noticed your hand was still on his thigh, and you blushed even more. 

“Oh I’m sorry!” You exclaimed in a panic. He smiled kindly. 

“No problem. I’m glad nobody got hurt.” Then he got up from his seat to help Riley pick her things back up and put them back into the bags. 

Your phone began to ring again. ‘It’s now or never; it would only get worse.’

With a sigh, you picked up the phone and immediately held the phone as far away as possible from your ear. A loud voice screaming through the speaker. Seemed like your boss just started screaming at you at the top of his lungs. 

You mouthed a quick ‘Sorry’ to the others in front of you. He kept on screaming, ranting about how you were not at work and how he always knew you were a lazy piece of shit. He should have fired me months ago… The list goes on.

As Cooper sat back down. You tried to move your body back in the direction of your phone. Seeing as you didn't want to be too close to Cooper. He didn't seem to mind and put a calming hand on your knee this time. Your mind seemed to go fuzzy when you got near him.

Overall this was not your day, your nerves were all over the place. Your feelings felt like they were on a rollercoaster. You still weren't sure if your gut feeling was right… but you also didn't want to find out. All the lies you told today and now your boss is screaming at you? It was just too much. Clenching your fist and putting the phone near your ear again. 

“I quit.” were the only words you said, dry of any emotion. 

“What did you say?” came the angry reply. 

“I quit” Hot tears were forming in your eyes, Cooper gently started to caress your knee. “i’m so fucking done. You don't know what I am going through right now! Someone could die, and you don't even let me explain myself. So go to hell, and I fucking quit.” Enraged, you ended the call and immediately blocked his number. 

You put your head in your hands and sigh. 

“I'm sorry… Sorry, you had to hear that. Everything goes wrong…” And with that, a sob escapes you. 

‘Nobody can see my face, right? So maybe act even more sad? ‘

This whole day was a curse, why were you even here? Because you felt bad vibes from the dilf next to you? You just wanted to laugh over the whole situation. 

‘You were fucking stupid and now jobless. Great work. Just because you wanted to play the hero, because of a stupid gut feeling. He was a normal dad. Not the Butcher. ‘ 

“Don't think like that. You said it yourself; your dad is stable, so that's a good thing. Maybe I can help you get a new job!” Lady Raven is really trying to cheer you up. 

Someone rubbed your back gently, and there was only one person who could do that. You tried your hardest to ignore his comforting touch. 

“Hay Y/N, I know you just met us, and you don't know me. But I bet a girl like you will easily find a new job. You seem like a good person. If you tell me in which field you work, I'm sure I could help. See if someone I know is hiring. How does that sound?” Cooper really tried to comfort you. He was so sympathetic and strangely charming. 

A small laugh escapes you. "Yes, I probably will..” You wipe away your angry tears’. 

“I mean… I already sent out job applications. I wanted to leave anyway, maybe I will get a job here in Philly or maybe where my mom lives. She lives more in the suburbs, like an hour away I think…” you paused. 

‘Why did you suddenly decide to tell him so much about yourself? Didn't you want to keep a low profile and not give too much real information?‘

This guy certainly knew how to make people talk. About everything, even things they may not want to share and then do without even realizing it. ‘Fuck’

“See! Now you're even smiling again. You just need to see the positive things.” With that, he squeezed your shoulder lightly and withdrew his hand from your back. Making you almost miss the comfort and warmth they had brought you. 

Stop crushing on the hot dad next to you! You tried to remind yourself and also remember all the things you thought were off with him.

“We're here,” the chauffeur announced. Great, finally. This car ride felt like an eternity. 

Cooper and Riley got out of the car first, and they said their goodbyes. Riley, of course, needed one last hug, and Cooper simply thanked her again for what she did for Riley. Before you got out of the car, Lady Raven pulled you in for a hug. 

“Please keep me updated on how things are at the hospital and if you need something. Just text me.” She pulled out her phone and pulled up Instagram. 

“Just search for your username, and I'll add you. That way, we can keep in touch.” 

You nodded and put in your name, and handed the phone back to her. 

“Thank you.. so much. Again. I'm so sorry for any inconvenience I caused. I won't forget this. Thank you! Next time, I’ll be in the front row singing your songs.” 

She laughed at that and nodded. While stepping outside the car, you crossed both fingers that the other two were gone.

Unfortunately, Cooper and his daughter waited for you. You had thought that by staying longer in the car, they would be gone already. No lucky day for you

You scanned the parking lot, and of course, your bike was stolen. The universe was just being cruel now. 

“So let us walk you to your car!” Cooper was way too happy, waving the limousine of Lady Raven goodbye. “Sure..” You started walking towards the cars. 

You were clueless on how to get out of this situation. Abruptly stopping, you looked around. 

“I don't see my car..” you say while looking around again. You sigh extra loudly. 

“Fuck me..”

“Your car got towed?” Cooper 

“Maybe” a dry laugh escapes you. 

“Or maybe with everything going on and all the things that were going on at the concert, I… just forgot where I parked my car.” You ran your fingers through your hair. 

"Well, if you tell me which hospital you need to go to, I'm certain Riley and I can make a little detour on our way home. Right Riley?” Riley nodded. 

“Of course, I’d be happy if we could help you out” she said, hopeful.

Right… the hospital. You should get better at remembering your lies. You were torn between keeping your lie up or simply turning around and walking away. 

You didn’t know what to do. Cooper seemed a bit strange at times, but he could not be the Butcher, right? Still while looking at him you felt like something didn't add up. Sometimes… you didn’t know how to describe it… He felt too perfect, too caring or too sweet. Maybe that was just who he was? You were lost in thought.. The look in his eyes was making you feel a bit uneasy. 

All of a sudden, Cooper's hand was behind your back, and he slowly pushed you forward. “If you can't decide, I will decide for you. Going to the hospital should be the most important thing. So we'll drive you and then you can worry about your car later. Okay?” 

You nodded your head at his idea, simply because you didn't trust your words at the moment. His hand wandered up to your shoulder, where he kept a firm grip and pushed you in the direction of his car. 

Riley was already running in front of you. You winced under his touch, did he know his own strength? You wondered. He certainly didn't look that strong. He opened the car a few meters away so Riley could already put her bags in the trunk. 

A black van

You suddenly remembered what Eric told you about the profiler, she suspected the Butcher to drive a car like this? 

Your body tensed up, and you felt like the pressure on your shoulder increased, which was almost painful. Surely that was going to bruise . Cooper opened the back door for you like you were a child being escorted home. You tried to muster your best friendly face before you sat down inside. 

“Thank you... Have you had this car for a long time?” You asked before you could stop yourself. Cooper raised an eyebrow, clearly pondering the question before answering. 

“Yes, I have had it for quite a few years now. Why are you asking?” Should you just tell him? 

It was just the trip to the hospital.. then you would never have to see them again. You could not fuck up even more than you already had, and until now, it was just an uneasy gut feeling. Also, you were trying to move back to your mom, who was at least an hour away. 

“No real reason.. Just that profiler from the concert. She talked so much, about everything and also about cars... especially mentioning a car like this, which could potentially be the car of a-… killer.” 

He only stared at you. 

‘Did you say something wrong? Maybe you’re the weird one now.’ Nervously rubbing your neck, you tried to lighten the mood with a laugh. 

Thankfully, Riley was just on her way to the passenger seat. She didn't hear her, no need to scare her. You didn’t think she knew about what was going on behind the scenes of the concert. 

“So maybe you should switch it up? But maybe she was just talking nonsense..” you tried to diffuse the situation, massaging your sore shoulder. 

Cooper smiled and laughed softly. "Well, thanks for the tip. I thought about getting a new car. Maybe I should finally get one. More family friendly, any ‘smart’ suggestions perhaps?” - 

“Hmm..maybe just something smaller, maybe in white, silver, or another color? Definitiv not black..” you smile. 

“Great. I will keep that in mind when I buy a new car.” he smiled back at you and closed the door, and got in the driver's seat. He seemed like he wanted to ask more questions, tapping his finger on the steering wheel. 

Quickly, you got your phone out and searched for a hospital near you. You found one which was 15 minutes away. When Cooper started the car you leaned forward, so much that your head nearly reached his shoulder and you could smell his aftershave. ‘He even smelled good.’ You showed him your phone. 

“Here, that's the hospital where I need to go.” He slightly turned around to get a better look at the screen. 

“Can I?” He gestured to the phone. “Just to get a better look.” 

You gulped, a nervous feeling growing in your stomach. “Yeah sure..” 

He didn’t even wait for your reply and grabbed the phone. 

“You got some kind of privacy screen on here?” he asked with a raised brow. 

Oh yeah, how could you forget, and here you thought he wanted to take your phone from you. When he couldn’t even see the screen. 

“Yeah! Sorry, I totally forgot. My boss had cameras everywhere in the building, I got a bit paranoid, so I bought one of those..” you laughed. 

“He doesn’t sound very nice. Maybe it’s a good thing you don’t have to work there anymore!” replied Riley. 

“Yeah.. maybe”

“You could just work at my school, our teacher for IT sucks..” 

Cooper glanced at her disapprovingly, slowly shaking his head.  “Riley…”- 

"Sorry, dad, it's the truth. He lives in the past. No one uses Windows XP anymore." Riley grumbled. 

Cooper started the car, and Lady Raven's music was playing loudly over the speakers before he turned the volume down. After a few minutes of driving and Riley vibing to the music, Cooper cleared his throat. 

"Here, you can have your phone back. Oh and I took the liberty of saving my number on your phone. That way, if you ever need anything or some help finding your car later, you can just give me a quick call.” 

What the fuck. He did what now?

He smiled at you through the rearview mirror, his eyes watching you closely. Carefully, you grabbed your phone out of his hands. 

“That's so… thoughtful. Thank you” You tried to put a smile on your face. 

"So, Riley, how did you like the concert?” You tried changing the topic. Oh boy, that worked. Riley started rambling about everything, including how cool it was to be on stage with Lady Raven. Unconsciously, you found yourself smiling a real smile, she was just so cute. Your eyes flickered to the rearview mirror every so often, and as soon as you met Cooper's eyes, you looked back at Riley. Let’s not get lost because of his good looks. You still felt uneasy.  

You tried telling yourself in your head. Somehow, you felt like a prey being watched by his predator. Once in a while you felt like his expression would flicker for a split second, his eyes becoming way darker, but it was gone so soon. You weren’t even sure if you saw it correctly or if it was your imagination. Even though the feeling was only there for a split second, He looked so friendly, encouraging Riley to talk more. 

Finally, you could make out the hospital in the distance. About time, you thought. 

“Hey Y/N?” Riley asked. 

“Yes?”- 

“Maybe when your dad is better again, you can visit us? I feel so bad for you. Today should have been a great day. _You seem really cool… I mean, your dad and family can come too..Right dad?” Cooper smiled and nodded. 

“Great, Like a family dinner, my mom is a great cook.” So he was married. “I just would like to do something nice for you.” Oh god, the world didn’t deserve her kindness. 

“Of course, you don't have to feel compelled to do so. Think about it, you don’t have to decide now..” Cooper interjected. 

“The two of you are too kind. I can't,” more like won't, “give you an answer right now, but I promise to think about it. Okay?” You fake-gushed at the two, your face hurting from keeping the smile on your face. 

Both Cooper and Riley seemed satisfied with the answer. You felt like you were in the wrong movie, was there a hidden camera somewhere? You arrived within the next minute. Cooper parked his car near the emergency exit. One moment away from freedom, away from this lie. 

“I can’t really thank you enough. Thanks for driving me here. I hope you had a great day. Have a safe drive home.” You tried opening the door, but it wouldn’t budge. “Oh, child safety must be on. I’m sorry, I forgot.” apologized to Copper and exited the van to open your door. You didn’t believe him, it just matched too well. 

“I hope you get good news inside. Dad acted really strange today, but I’m happy everything is normal again.” she smiled, before you could answer, and your door opened. 

Daddy is acting strange today. You don’t say…  

“Well, bye, Riley.” You waved at her and got out and barely got your hand out of the doof before Cooper shut it close. 

“I’m so glad we could help you.” he said with that charming voice of his. He started to walk with you towards the building. “With all the extra police force, because of the Butcher, it could have taken you at least an hour to get here.”

“That's true. Well maybe next time he shouldn't let his recipes laying around in his hideouts. What does he even want at a pop concert?” you snorted. 

“Did he now?” Cooper asked intrigued.

“At least that's what I overheard from a few higher up people today.”, no way you were saying that it was Lady Raven who told you.

“Seems like he needs to be cleaner and more careful.”

“If not, they might just catch him next time,” you joked.

“I don't think that will happen, sweetheart.” His mouth twitched in amusement.

That was a weird response. He must have seen the frown on your face, as he quickly started to explain himself.

“I mean if they didn't catch him today, while they knew he was going to be there. I think the chances of the police finding him again are relatively close to zero.” His reply sounded reasonable. 

“Well yes, but he fucked up once. Maybe he is getting sloppy with time. Nobody knows.” 

His jaw clenched. “You think so? Maybe you're misinterpreting the situation. I would imagine someone like him to be very calculated.  Otherwise the police would have found him already, if he was being sloppy.”

“True…” You shrugged your shoulders. Maybe you were wrong, but why did he sound somewhat angry at your statement?

He was honestly acting strange now. 

“Well I think this is where I leave you.” Cooper announced after a few seconds of silence. His behavior over the last meters made you feel unsettled again. He seemed strange. ‘Why was he like that?’ 

“Okay…”, should you with your gut feeling, you wondered? Fuck it, it was just a guess, a wild guess. You always knew your big mouth would get you into trouble someday. Maybe he was just a normal dad and you were overthinking the situation. If that was the case, he wouldn’t think anything of it.

“By the way B-...Cooper” you began, and Cooper turned around in a second, looking at you expectantly, one of his brows raised. His face was unreadable. “You're welcome.. You know that? For getting to drive with Lady Raven"—for  getting out of there without the security controls - was what you wanted to say. Even if he were the Butcher his facial expressions and body language didn't betray him. He smiled and stepped back toward you. Every bone in your body wanted to run. ‘Fuck, did this creep you out.’ You felt like you were pushing your luck today 

“Yes.. of course. I am very grateful for that…” Before he could say anymore, Riley pulled down the window. 

“Dad! Let's go home! Y/N needs to go to the hospital! And I want to tell mom all about the concert!” 

“She's right. I don't want to keep you from your father any longer. I bet your sister is waiting for you. Better go inside.” ‘He knew, he knew you lied when you fucked up with the sister and brother thing.’ Panic started to set in, you swallowed hard, your throat dry.

He came even closer and engulfed you in a tight hug. You stood there, frozen in place. He leaned his head down to your ear, his hands holding you even tighter. One of them slowly wandered to your lower back while he talked.

“Thank you, sweetheart. You sure made it easier. I’m sure Spencer will be soo grateful. I’ll let you know…” a dark chuckle escaped him.

“It's a small world. I'm sure we will see each other again.” His deep voice whispered in your ear, which sent shivers down your spine. You felt trapped. Like a tiny mouse next to him, holding your breath unintentionally. He patted you on the back. Smiling, he stepped away. 

‘Breathe– mask your emotions. Get a grip.’ Many different thoughts running through your head.

Tilting your head to your side you looked at him. Moreover you were confused. Even a tiny bit scared.

‘Please don’t let him notice. Who was Spencer? Did you know Spencer?’

Furrowing your brows you asked “Spencer?” your voice slightly quivering.

He grinned even more— it looked unnerving. It was replaced by a much friendlier smile after another second. “Don’t worry about it.” 

‘Were you imagining things? Now you knew why people said “don't play with fire.” Why had you said anything at all...’

His voice became louder, having that charming undertone again “and make sure to call sweetheart. Riley would be very happy if you came over.” Winking at you he turned around and walked back to his car. 

You felt like your chest was about to explode.

“Yes! Once your dad's out of the hospital and things settle down, Make sure to call my dad. Then we can have a fun dinner.” giggling Riley's voice went even higher. She was practically shifting in her seat, unable to sit still. 

‘Fun dinner? Yeah.. sureeee kid..’

You mustered your best smile and gave her a thumbs up. 

“I will kiddo. See you around.” trying to steady your voice. You needed to get away fast. turned around and walked towards the hospital, near the end you were almost running. 

Once inside, you had the feeling that it was getting harder and harder to breathe. As if you weren't getting enough air. Your breathing became more and more rapid. Your vision was blurred. 

‘Was this hyperventilation? What was going on? Was he really the Butcher? Were you right? Would you die next? Maybe he would keep you alive because you unintentionally helped him?’

Anxiety welled up inside you. You barely noticed the loud voices around you. 

‘Did you hear someone calling for help?’

You had the feeling that the world was spinning around you. ‘Were you still walking?’ It felt like your legs were made out of jelly.

Someone was talking to you, holding you by the shoulders. Shaking you. Waving something in front of your face. However, you couldn’t make out the words. You couldn't recognise the face in front of you. Everything sounded dull, like it was far far away. The world became increasingly blurred before your eyes, spinning more and more– 

until you finally gave in and everything went dark. 

[vickyvicarious]

Something I read recently is that something that showcases Mina's vulnerable state is that she has her hair loose in the presence of everyone, when a woman should have her hair up for every man but for her husband in private.

Yeah, that matches up with my understanding. I believe loose hair was more for children, and adult women in company would have some sort of bun/their hair up somehow. There might be variations in how fancy you get with it for an evening out versus just a low bun at home, but I'm pretty sure it was almost always up.

Mina's not the first one who probably had her hair down in front of multiple men. Obviously, Lucy in the throes of being fed on was not always able to even leave her bed, and likely not able to have her hair up. On the 20th there is mention of it being brushed for her "so that it lay on the pillow in its usual sunny ripples." So we see it there too it seems.

And of course I imagine Mina's hair would be down during the attack in the middle of the night; they were sleeping! Everyone was in their nightclothes. But more notable is the aftermath. When they're eating breakfast, she must still have her hair down, otherwise she wouldn't be able to do this: "Pulling her beautiful hair over her face, as the leper of old his mantle, she wailed out:—"

Concerns about propriety are out of the window for a while. Dracula was driven away just before dawn, and Jonathan says that breakfast will be ready about six-thirty at the start of his entry, so it likely hasn't been much more than a couple hours at most since it happened. That's really not a lot of time at all, and they've all been more focused on planning out what action they are going to take than worrying about hairstyles. Even when they separated for a while, one person always stayed with the Harkers, so they might not have even changed out of their pajamas for this meal. I suspect they did though, just because sitting around in those bloodstained nightclothes wouldn't be comfortable physically or mentally. But still, it seems like most of them probably did a hasty/bare minimum toilette, and tried to stick close to/comfort each other throughout.

[fndmfrenzy]

Since I'm still obsessed with Death Note, and never got over my obsession with Kaiji I've thought of a little thing for fun: a crossover AU! It takes place in Kaiji universe but all characters are replaced by Death Note characters. The plot is also mostly taken from Kaiji. I just love to imagine DN characters in those gambles :^)

Spoilers for Death Note and Kaiji (part 3-6 included) under the cut. I suspect most Kaiji fans have seen DN but I don't want to spoil Kaiji for the DN fans :^) (watch and read it it's soo goooood)

First things first: the world is not supernatural so both the Death Notes and shinigami don't exist. Teiai company still exists and serves as the main "antagonist". Sometimes a DN character replaces multiple Kaiji characters, or multiple DN characters replace one Kaiji chara.

Light (unlike Kaiji who is forced to gamble because of his debt) starts gambling because he's bored. He also has the second motive of taking down Teiai, because he's anti capitalist and that's his idea of justice. The Teiai CEO is a mysterious person named L, and nobody has ever seen their face.

Also: I didn't want Teiai to be TOO evil in this AU, since L is the one in charge of it, so they don't do death gambles. That's not saying much since the debtors and the underground mines still exist... Just bear with me, Light is the good guy here (Kaiji) so L HAS to be the bad guy (Hyodo).

Light's first gamble happens on Espoir. He sneaks on the ship, unlike debtors who got invited. Tonegawa's speech is given by Naomi Misora, who in this AU replaces both Tonegawa and Lind L Tailor (I wanted to use him, but he's such a non character that his role can be done by Naomi). Naomi introduces herself as L and Light really wants to gamble against her but he needs to make a name for himself first.

Light plays restricted rock paper scissors against his first victims. Nobody dies in this AU but they go into even bigger debt.

Light gets invited to another gamble, brave men road. This probably needs to be reworked in the AU because it's too deadly originally. I think it's still a more physical game, but without the risk of death. His opponents are FBI members (here they just belong to Teiai). Light wins and they get fired.

Naomi wants revenge for her fiance that Light defeated and Light wants to gamble with L so they agree to play E-card. I think, unlike in Kaiji, here only Light is cheating (somehow). Light wins and meets the actual Teiai CEO, L Lawliet/Ryuzaki. They gamble with the tissue box raffle and L outcheats Light and wins.

L admits that he's watched Light's previous gambles and wants him on the team, because if left unatended Light might bring Teiai a lot of harm.

L is very anti cheating in this AU, despite always cheating in his gambles. The rest of Teiai doesn't cheat though, and L hunts down people that do. He suspects that Light is cheating as well, but he can't prove it. He wants Light close to him so he can see him cheating.

Light's first task and "test" before joining Teiai is to inspect a casino subservient to Teiai and its owner, Misa Amane. L thinks that she's rigging the machines. At first Misa is trying to prevent Light from winning, but somewhere along the way she falls for him and rigs the pachinko in his favor. (I thought of a background for this: her parents were Teiai debtors and when the debt got too big they killed themselves. Misa was hired by Teiai to work off their debt. Somewhere during Light playing the pachinko machine he gives a speech how he hates Teiai and wants to destroy them and Misa starts to support his cause). Light fights with the bog (BTW the bog is designed after Rem. Shinigami don't exist in this AU, but it's a nice nod. Maybe instead of man eating bog it's called god of death or something.) and wins the jackpot. L suspects that Light only won because of Misa's rigging, so they must be conspiring together. Light's winnings are seized and Misa is fired.

Both Light and Misa are thrown into Teiai's underground mines, where debtors have to work off their debt. Soichiro learns that his son was a gambler behind his back, but he thinks he doesn't deserve the mines. He pleads to L and L gives Light another chance to prove himself (he was planning to anyway, because he doesn't have concrete evidence of Light cheating), by playing chinchiro against his closest employees (Soichiro, Aizawa, Matsuda). Light wins by cheating and officially becomes a member of Teiai. Misa is also freed from the mines.

Misa moves in with Light and his parents. The atmosphere is tense, Soichiro (replacing Sakazaki) is very dissapointed by Light for being a dirty gambler (but... Soichiro works for the gambling company too? maybe he didn't want Light to follow into his footsteps) and Misa is very clingy despite the lack of interest from Light (the park date scene with Mikoko and Kaiji plays exactly the same).

Some time passes and L approaches Light with a job. He wants Light to gamble against the president of a rival company, Yotsuba. Their profits have been rising and L suspects foul play is involved. With Higuchi as Muraoka and L as Kazuya, Light plays minefield mahjong. Turns out Higuchi is cheating, so Light has to outcheat him to win. Namikawa fills Miyoshi's role in giving hints to Light, but unlike Miyoshi he's not on president's side. He knows he used dirty tricks to get his position and he wants to bring him down. Helping Higuchi (as Maeda) can be any of the Yotsuba men who aren't too antagonistic towards him in canon. Maybe Ooi? Or all of them. Maybe he has some dirt on them and they're all forced to help him. Anyway, Light wins and bankrupts Higuchi.

After the gamble L wants to spend time with Light. I don't think the whole Kazuya hen happens, but they talk about their ideologies and agree to gamble together.

ONE POKER. A special gamble where the loser dies. Well, can die. This time Light outcheats L and the Teiai CEO dies. Light now has in his posession over 2 billion yen he won in this gamble.

Teiai doesn't believe he owns the money legitemately so the chase begins. Light runs with the money. He allies himself with Mikami and Takada (as Chang and Mario), who support his goal of bringing down Teiai. The new Teiai CEO is selected and it's Near. Near also replaces Endo, leading the chase after Light (along with Mello, who is unafiliated with Teiai. Maybe he was next in line and he wants to prove he's better than Near).

And that's the plot for now :^) I swapped the underground arc and pachinko arc to fit Death Note plot better, and skipped some events.

[kerryweaverlesbian]

Ghostwatch (1992) is about rape culture/domestic abuse and the media's complicity in it. Btw. Discussion of domestic violence, SA and CSA below.

It's literally about a family of women who will not be believed about what they're going through no matter what their evidence. Case closed thanks for reading. Okay but seriously:

Haunting is SA/Domestic Violence

The signs of the haunting are: items of monetary value being destroyed (making it harder to afford to leave even if they weren't already in council housing - they can't afford a new home); children having unexplained marks; disturbed sleep; children talking about being asked to do things they don't want do (such as drown the "bad bunny"); children having someone in their room at night that they dont want in there; inappropriate writing found in school books; literally feeling the sense of being touched all over. These can be signs of abuse.

The site of the most horror, the glory hole, is where Suzanne and Kimmy's father (and Pam's husband) spent a lot of time. When Kimmy peaked in there, that's when she saw Mr Pipes.

Multiple phone-in accounts of the supernatural take place in the viewer's homes.

Dr Pascoe says that Suzanne would be easily victimised by a poltergeist because she's from a "broken home". If there's already family upheaval, it can be very easy for the warning signs of abuse to slip through the cracks.

All but two of the people most willing to take the paranormal seriously were women. Of the men, one was a victim of it himself and opted to obscure his face before talking about it due to fear of ridicule (whose trauma revolves around an unpleasant gloopy liquid being put on him without his consent) and the other was an occultist who didn't take the story of this particular family seriously enough to do the whole shebang, instead merely prayed with them. I'm not saying that only/almost exclusively women get sexually assaulted, or that women do believe each other more frequently - because we don't- but I am saying that the 90s would.

Media complicity

Initially, the reporting on the paranormal in Ghostwatch is lighthearted but aims to entertain the idea that the Early family are being honest. They have Dr Pascoe in the studio, they send a team to investigate, they do believe that something is going on, if not a haunting.

However. Over time, the cracks in the media's willingness to believe women starts to show.

They bring on an "expert" (who says merely that 'this could all be fake', not getting into any specifics of how or why, who openly insults Dr Pascoe and then she is tone-policed when she responds to his criticism - "did he upset you?" "[clearly upset but knows she's being goaded on live tv] no!").

Pam shows how print media responded to her, using her as a spectacle to keep eyes on their product - which is also what the BBC is doing in-universe. (Ironically, having so many eyes is what ultimately dooms the broadcast!)

And then, of course, Suzanne is caught hitting the pipes. Immediately, with one piece of evidence against them and regardless of the other evidence, Michael Parkinson gleefully (from, I suspect in part relief that he doesn't have to believe this could happen) starts disregarding everything else Dr Pascoe has to say. Why should we believe her? We have one piece of evidence to the contrary.

He hangs up the phone when she gives advice. He (more openly) devalues her contributions as false. He interrupts her saying that they don't want to give people nightmares. He's indulging, while maintaining his professional façade, in the high of catching someone out.

Suzanne is caught and discredited on the basis of her recreating the events of the haunting - aka the abuse. Dr Pascoe says this is part of the pattern, and she's not wrong. Children can do this as victims of abuse. Suzanne not wanting to talk about these actions - the writing in her schoolbooks, hitting the pipes - is taken as a sign of her guilt. In-fiction, had Suzanne believed that she would be taken seriously regardless of whether something happened specifically that night, she likely wouldn't have taken that action. But the BBC themselves staged a joke on Sarah earlier that night with Suzanne as a co-conspirator, having Craig jump out at her, implicitly mocking them. She knew she wouldn't be taken seriously if nothing happened. She needed there to be spectacle because otherwise they would be condemned just like her mum was by print media.

The BBC turns on this family, just as media outlets and public opinion can and will turn on victims of domestic abuse and sexual assault if they are 'revealed' to not be perfect victims. If they hold something back that they're embarrassed about, they're a liar, if they ever tried to protect themselves, they're just as bad, if they tried to communicate their distress in a way that isn't palatable or immediately understandable they're denied safe housing and ridiculed.

Even after seeing more ghostly events after the Suzanne reveal, and even with the phones ringing off the hook with more people who relate to these events, Parkinson is perfectly happy to accept that the girls and the reporter team are now happily playing board games again. He stops investigating. He's decided who the guilty party is, and his condescending correspondent is in agreement.

We cut back to Craig Charles, and he's having a laugh with the other (male) paranormal invesigator about how nothing is happening. How silly it would be if ghosts were real! "Where would I hold the microphone!" While being followed by two kids, out alone past the watershed - after Parkinson calls out a distressed mother for her kids watching tv after the watershed. Who's looking out for them? Certainly not Craig.

And then. After the problem is willfully ignored. It gets worse. After being ridiculed on the trusted news channel BBC 1, paranormal activity goes on the rise.

"It's in the machine", Dr Pascoe says, and again, she's not wrong. At the end of the film, Parkinson is literally, physically used by the ghost to spread its message. The callous disregard for women's safety, the downplaying of victims of sexual assault and domestic violence, the lack of respect for the reality that some people have to live in - part of it is down to the media's portrayals of the people that bring these cases forward. The stigma perpetuated by the machine empowers abusers to continue and to escalate their behaviours.

In real life, one should definitely be skeptical of someone telling you that ghosts are real, especially someone with dubious, unsubstantiated evidence and who's trying to sell a book about it. However, in the film Ghostwatch, the paranormal IS objectively real and it is an effective metaphor for how victims can be mistreated by the media. If the BBC had believed the Early family outright - or at least treated them with a greater deal of respect than camping inside their house and making jokes at their expense - the problem would not have spread.

[themorrigans-crow]

CW: TRAUMA DUMP, MISGENDERING, TRANSPHOBIA, PARENTS, MENTIONS OF SA, SELF HARM, ADDICTION AND S**C*DE

Dear Mom and Dad,

I don't know if I'll ever want you to read this. Maybe you'll come across it on here. Maybe not. But I need these words put into the world.

When I came out to you the first time, as nonbinary, Mom said "I just don't get it." I didn't expect you to, but I expected you to listen and hoped you'd change your vernacular for me. I spent so much time worrying about what you'll say. Worrying about how you'll view me. Wondering if you'll love me. Dad, with your "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about" and "men don't cry" lessons, and threatening to spank me if I stepped out of line, even as an adult. "You're never too old to be put over my knee." And Mom with your religious upbringing and stubborn personality. You never did change well. Neither of you did. But I hoped for the best.

Still you said "I don't think I'll be able to use they/them pronouns. It just doesn't make sense to me." Both of you deadnamed me and misgendered me for months, saying "it's hard to change when I've known you as our son for so long." Dad got better faster. Mom, you really didn't. Neither of you understood why I stormed out after you introduced me as your "son" to friends.

Fine. Whatever.

So I stopped telling you things. I stopped telling you what was going on in my life. I never told you I've been SA'd multiple times. I didn't tell you I started hormones until I had been on them for a while and couldn't hide the changes. I didn't tell you I attempted to stop existing, twice. I didn't tell you I got addicted to alcohol and self harm.

You got upset that I wasn't telling you things. So, in an effort to bring you back into my life, I opened up.

When I came out to you a second time, as a trans woman, you said you loved and supported me. You said you want what's best for me, and while you don't understand what's going on, you're going to try. I told you about my attempts, and your reactions were of concern and want to help me. But you'd already lost a lot of my trust in you. You told me how scary it is for you. I got a semicolon tattoo. Dad, you said "are you sure you know what that's for? That's not something to mess around with." Yes, because just like all the other permanent changes to my body I've made, I haven't done the research into it, and made the decision on a whim. That last sentence was sarcasm, if you didn't pick up on it.

I remember the conversation we had, early in the morning on a trip while the others were sleeping. You referred to me as "he" and I said, "this needs to stop. I'm not your son. I'm your daughter. If it continues, I will buy the next plane ticket home and you will never see me again." I was told how disrespectful I was being, that I shouldn't talk that way to my parents. I stood my ground. I like to think you got the point eventually.

Maybe I would have figured it out sooner, that I was trans. Maybe I would have experimented with my gender and sexuality if you were more accepting in my youth. I was always so afraid to question things. With a parenting style of "because I said so" and "I'll give you a reason to cry" and not recognizing your child has different needs, who can blame me? I always found friends among the girls at school. Never the boys. I hated sports, didn't understand why I couldn't hang out with girls alone when I was a kid, and only did scouts cause I thought that's how you valued me. Gods I hated it. But on the bright side, I wouldn't have met my now girlfriend if we hadn't met there. So, there's a silver lining.

Eventually you stopped deadnaming me and misgendering me, and I suspect it was under threat of me kicking you out of my life forever. At least that stopped.

I was hopeful. I opened up about my hormones and surgeries I wanted and needed to get. To which you replied, "are you sure you want this?" and "I don't know if that's a good thing to do, you'll hurt your body. There are complications and risks" like I hadn't been doing research since I had access to the internet. I started being around you more. Hoping you changed. I told you about my autism and ADHD diagnosis.

But then I started talking politics and trans rights. Trans kids deserve gender affirming care and trans people deserve to have a normal life, have their care covered by insurance. For it to not be labeled as "cosmetic". Trans rights are human rights. You told me trans kids can get hurt by hormone blockers or they don't know what they're talking about. I told you JK Rowling is a TERF, and showed you tweets and articles and things she has said. To which your response "I just don't believe that." I told you people are trying to take our rights away. You didn't say or do anything about it except question me and say I don't know what I'm talking about. I was told "there's no way you have autism or ADHD." I had so much hope. I prayed and hoped that you had changed. But no.

You tell me how hard it is for you. All the changes I'm going through. That it feels like your child is being taken away. That you're mourning me. I understand change is difficult. I understand what you don't know is scary. But I'm not dead. I'm still here. Your daughter is here despite everything she's gone through.

And I'm so confused. The two of you are so nice and kind on the outside, to other people. But when what you know about the world gets questioned, you don't even stop to consider that you might be wrong. You're so kind in front of other people, respectful and courteous. But when it's just us, I barely hear you call me your daughter, and you don't stop with the "are you sure you're doing the right thing" and "it just feels like we're mourning you" and "it's so tough on us." You make it so hard to believe you.

When I expressed my needs of not being touched, Dad, you said I was being disrespectful and that because you're my father you should have consent to touch me. I always hated when you touched my clothes, or fixed something you thought was out of place. You never asked if it was okay. You never cared what I thought. Now when I tell you "don't touch me" or I am nonverbal and overstimulated and your touch physically hurts me, you say I'm disrespectful and hurting you. I tell you I'm not able to verbalize my needs all the time, and I'm disrespectful for showing you nonverbal ways of telling you. When I stood up for myself, I was being disrespectful. Fuck. You.

You say you're proud of me. You say you love me. I haven't believed you for years. Not a word. You lost that trust a long time ago.

So fine, if you want to mourn your son, that's fine. It's called a deadname for a reason. But I'll be here if you ever decide to look up and see your daughter.

So for now I'll play along. Try to rebuild that trust. Try to help you understand what's going on and keep you updated in my life. Be the kid you're mourning. The one who is being torn apart.

Allison, I know you'll read this. Hopefully one day I can show you everything I'm talking about here. One day I'll show you what I mean when I say I struggle with my parents. Maybe this already shines some light on the situation. I love you.

Mom and Dad, I don't know if I'll ever trust you. You haven't been my emergency contacts for years. I want to trust you. I want to love you. I want to have you in my life and have you in my support system. But I don't think you deserve that. Not yet.

Warm regards,

Your daughter, Morgan.

[blue-15000]

Notes for Chapter 11 of To Be a Kunoichi

Phew! Second arc down, like... ten more to go. I suspect the last two arcs will get split up into multiples, but for now... ten.

The next chapter will probably take a bit longer, as I want to go back over the first two arcs and get some editing done. I'm happy with the structure of this fic, but might add foreshadowing and make some minor line edits so I am happier with those aspects. I am also going to take some time to plot things in more detail.

I go back to London in early September, and will have my hands full then - and I'll be busy with schoolwork/writing my dissertation. I expect that the update pace will slow considerably, but I plan to keep working on this fic throughout term-time. I have masterfully arranged my schedule so that I knocked out 30 out of 120 of my credits this summer, so my schedule is pretty light.

I have been slowly rereading OchiMochiMochi's Hers, and I noticed that her OC, who was the closest thing Kakashi had to a girlfriend, Ume, shares a name with Naruto's alias in my fic. This wasn't intentional, I picked the name Ume out of a list of Japanese girls' names, because I felt the meaning fit with how Kakashi viewed Naruto at that point in the story. When I reference other fics I will say so in the notes.

And oh, gosh, Hers, amirite? I assume that the audience of my fic and that have an overlap, as it's the same relatively uncommon pairing. It's so well-written but the way Kakashi behaves gives me the terminal ick, I want to smack him and tell him to pull himself together and put on his big boy pants. It all started to make sense when the author said she gave Kakashi traits she finds unattractive in real men. As much as I enjoy that fic: my Kakashi would never.

I've noticed that people (and by people I mean my venerable regular reviewers) seem not so keen on how I'm handling Hiruzen and Nart's relationship. Hiruzen is often lambasted in the fandom, and rightly so - he was a pretty horrible leader, father, and grandfather.

This fic is from Naruto's perspective. Children who have unreliable or emotionally abusive parents tend not to just hate their parents, but want to appease them as well. Hiruzen got Nart her apartment, got her her only steady source of income, enrolled her in the Academy, put her on her team.... she's ATTACHED, guys. She's currently pretty angry with him but she's angry at everyone.

On his side of things, the issue is that he never, ever stops being Hokage. He can't view her as "the child I am responsible for" and "the national asset" in two separate ways, they're all tangled up in each other. Does he care for her? Yes. Does he also use his genuine feelings of affection to manipulate her? Also yes.

I kind of based her feelings towards him off of my own relationship with my parents. They weren't the best, especially on the emotional side of things. My mother was abusive up until I was about ten. But I love my parents dearly and genuinely, they were doing what they thought was best. Sometimes that makes it better, sometimes it makes it worse because really was that your best???

Naruto's musings in the present about the Sandaime grooming her are more or less correct. He's grooming her to be a child soldier, and she will go back and forth on how she feels about him. He'll do something callous and cruel, then treat her like she's special and convince her that he had no choice. She'll be angry with him, then feel guilty for being angry and just want to go back to pretending nothing is wrong. She's a child in a difficult situation and will not react with the clear-headedness of an adult who has a lifetime of healthy relationships to fall back on.

Enough on Hiruzen, the actual notes for this fic:

Naruto's super-healing comes with some drawbacks. She struggles to gauge exactly how much damage she's taken at times, and after battles, frequently performs self-checks to make sure everything has healed correctly. You may notice she doesn't yet do this in the past, only in the present. Assume that any injury she mentions is at least 2x as bad as she says it is.

My notes for this scene went something like "Naruto has to ask for Kakashi's help in re-breaking and setting her ribs" and then oohhh my god. Oh my god. She did NOT want to ask for help. She's so independent and stubborn, I can't make her do stuff even if I try.

Naruto's propensity to form ill-advised friendships with unstable missing-nin is a constant in any universe, I think. She sees a morally reprehensible person struggling with an inner burden and goes "is anyone gonna be friends with that?" and doesn't wait for an answer.

Pour one out for Tenzo, honestly. Imagine being trapped underground with one teammate injured and the other potentially possessed by a demon. Nightmare scenario.

In case anyone missed it: Shisui told her not to talk to avoid using up oxygen. By the time Tenzo finished tunnelling to the surface they were nearly out of air. Naruto remained blissfully unaware of their predicament by their design: the only thing worse than being trapped 50 feet under rubble with a potentially unstable jinchuriki is being trapped 50 feet under rubble with a panicking potentially unstable jinchuriki.

Kakashi is a safe person to be angry at. The Sandaime is not. So Kakashi is the person she yells at. Simple as.

Remember how guilty canon Nart was for burning Sakura with his nine-tails chakra? Yeah.

Return of the motif: dawn has broken, both in-universe and thematically, at least for a while. The next arc will be much lower stakes: worldbuilding and Nart making friends outside her team. Huzzah.

[iviarellereads]

The Eye of the World, Chapter 30 - Children of Shadow

(THIS PROJECT IS SPOILER FREE! No spoilers past the chapter you click on. Curious what I'm doing here? Read this post! For the link index and a primer on The Wheel of Time, read this one! Like what you see? Send me a Ko-Fi.)

(Sunburst icon) In which mistakes are made.

Perrin goes off alone, staring at his axe. Elyas asks if he hates Egwene, thought she was dragging. Perrin says no, he loves her, kind of like a sister. But if the ravens had caught up to them, had attacked them… Elyas says given the choice between the deaths they saw the ravens inflict on animals, or a clean swing of Perrin's axe, he knows which he'd prefer. Perrin grips the axe haft, almost hard enough to snap it.

“I hate this bloody thing,” he growled. “I don’t know what I’m doing with it, strutting around like some kind of fool. I couldn’t have done it, you know. When it was all pretend and maybe, I could swagger, and play as if I. . . .” He sighed, his voice fading. “It’s different, now. I don’t ever want to use it again.” “You’ll use it.” Perrin raised the axe to throw it in the pool, but Elyas caught his wrist. “You’ll use it, boy, and as long as you hate using it, you will use it more wisely than most men would. Wait. If ever you don’t hate it any longer, then will be the time to throw it as far as you can and run the other way.”(1)

When Perrin makes to ask what if he can't throw it away, they both receive a sending from the wolves, so strong they both forget what they were doing. Elyas calls to Egwene to bury the fire, then tells them to go find a place to hide, and goes into the woods in another direction himself.

Egwene asks Perrin what happened. Perrin tells her the wolves smelled people, coming in on horses. They smell wrong, like a rabid animal smells wrong.(2) Egwene asks how Perrin can see anything, and he doesn't have an answer.(3)

Eventually they find the hand of the statue of Artur Hawkwing, and Perrin thinks, maybe some of his justice is left here, maybe they'll be safe.(4) Unfortunately, they are eventually spotted. Perrin realizes he can almost smell the wrongness himself, and wonders why they smell that way, and why they hate wolves so much.

When they reveal themselves and start giving up to the whitecloaks, Hopper, one of the wolves, jumps out of the shadow and clamps his jaws on the head of the man who had threatened Perrin. He tells Perrin to run, but Perrin is too shocked to move. Then suddenly it's all over, Perrin feels something hit him in the head, and falls unconscious, unsure if it's him or Hopper dying.(5)

When he wakes up, it takes him a minute to remember what happened. He's with Egwene and a strange man, in a tent full of well-crafted furniture, tied up tightly, and the man is going through what was in his and Egwene's pockets on a table, not acknowledging either of them. Another man comes in, Child Byar, who stands rigidly straight and conveys his messages with no affect or reaction whatsoever. Byar says that they've lost 9 men, with 23 more injured, 7 of those seriously. They've also lost most of the horses, either to injuries from the wolves or from them running off in the chaos.

Also, Byar says that he's had the wolf skinned, and it should make a fine rug for the captain's tent. At this Perrin starts growling and straining at his ropes, glaring at Byar, who glares right back. The Captain chides Byar gently that he has no interest in wolf rugs, which snaps Byar back to his flat affect. Byar relays that they were attacked by some 50 wolves, killed perhaps 20 or 30 of them, and they'll burn the carcasses in the morning, and he also suspects multiple Darkfriends were involved, at least a dozen, but he thinks they took down four or five, and it might have been a planned ambush…

The Lord Captain laughs at this. He suspects there were no more than six or eight wolves, and no humans. Byar is zealous, but doesn't have any experience outside of cities. He also says the wolves were probably just here because it's the only source of water for miles. The simplest explanation is usually the truest, there's no need to inflate things with speculation.

Finally, the Lord Captain asks Byar what he thinks of the axe. A good weapon, well balanced, the work of a master smith. Distinctly not a farmer's weapon, which he says with another glare at Perrin.

The Lord Captain introduces himself to Perrin and Egwene at last, as Geofram Bornhald.(6) They give their first names, and Bornhald muses that if they're Darkfriends, they'd want to hide as much of their identity as possible. Perrin struggles against his ropes to sit taller and says they're NOT Darkfriends, but Byar whips Perrin's own axe at him, and it only narrowly misses his head, nicking his ear painfully. Egwene yells that he has no right, and the axe swings at her next, though she manages to fall to the ground and avoid a blow as well.

Bornhald tells Byar to go easy, and says Perrin and Egwene probably don't know much about the Children of the Light, but they should try not to argue or shout, for Child Byar's sake. This confuses Perrin even further.

Bornhald says he's heard of men running with wolves and other creatures of the Dark One, though he's never seen it. Perrin protests, quietly, that wolves aren't Dark creatures, they hate the Dark One and all His creatures. When Bornhald asks who told him that, Egwene says it was a Warder. Bornhald says Warders are just creatures of the Tar Valon witches, and Darkfriends themselves. Don't Trollocs have wolves' muzzles and fur? Egwene says not all of them do, some look more like goats or hawks or…

Bornhald sighs. At every turn he tries to give them a chance to prove themselves of the Light, and at every turn they dig themselves deeper. They run with wolves, they're acquainted with Darkfriends, and they know what Trollocs look like. Perrin was even carrying a Tar Valon coin in his pocket, and any good person gets rid of such a coin as quickly as possible. Who are they, really?

Perrin sees Egwene preparing to tell one of their false stories, and says aloud that they're from the Two Rivers. Egwene goes along and tells something very close to the truth of their story. They had been trying to hide from the wolves when they were found.

Bornhald says to give them back their belongings, though not the weapons. They can't go free: they'll be coming with the Children to Caemlyn for some business there, and then to Amador for further questioning.

At this, Byar snaps at Bornhald. That isn't allowed! He quickly remembers himself, but says that they can't afford the time delay of dealing with prisoners. Bornhald asks what Byar is suggesting.

“The penalty for Darkfriends is death.” The flat voice made it all the more jarring. He might have been suggesting stepping on a bug. “There is no truce with the Shadow. There is no mercy for Darkfriends.”(7) “Zeal is to be applauded, Child Byar, but, as I must often tell my son, Dain, overzealousness can be a grievous fault. Remember that the Tenets also say, ‘No man is so lost that he cannot be brought to the Light.’ These two are young. They cannot yet be deep in the Shadow. They can yet be led to the Light, if they will only allow the Shadow to be lifted from their eyes. We must give them that chance.” For a moment Perrin almost felt affection for the grandfatherly man who stood between them and Byar. Then Bornhald turned his grandfather’s smile on Egwene. “If you refuse to come to the Light by the time we reach Amador, I will be forced to turn you over to the Questioners, and beside them Byar’s zeal is but a candle beside the sun.” The gray-haired man sounded like a man who regretted what he must do, but who had no intention of ever doing anything but his duty as he saw it. “Repent, renounce the Dark One, come to the Light, confess your sins and tell what you know of this vileness with wolves, and you will be spared that. You will walk free, in the Light.” His gaze centered on Perrin, and he sighed sadly. Ice filled Perrin’s spine. “But you, just Perrin from the Two Rivers. You killed two of the Children.” He touched the axe that Byar still held. “For you, I fear, a gibbet waits in Amador.”

=====

(1) Logical advice. And, it makes sense that Perrin hates the war axe: its only use is violence. He's a blacksmith, he's a creator, and still new to the horrors of the wide world. Of course the violence scares him some. It's all well and good in the stories, it's quite another thing when you think it might be a mercy to murder-suicide to escape the ravens. Especially so soon after spending a few days with the Tuatha'an, the most peaceful people in the world. It's almost like this is setting up a character arc of some sort, putting these things in juxtaposition so early after getting into Perrin's head… (2) It is very curious that the Whitecloaks smell wrong to the wolves. They appear to be working for the Light, but they're so prejudiced, so hateful, so quick to assume, to judge. They'll just waltz in and take you prisoner and torture you until you confess, and earn a death sentence, or die anyway under the stress. Another example of the evil of just people being people and not giving a thought to compassion or empathy. The same thing that happened to Aridhol, Shadar Logoth, appears to be happening in Amador, except this time they're also crusading across the entire goddamn continent to spread their vileness. (3) His eyes are already changing, it seems, becoming a little more wolf-like, like Elyas's. If you've seen any art or promo images of Perrin, there's a good chance he had yellow eyes. Golden eyes, if you will. (4) Given what we've learned about Hawkwing, I'm not entirely sure he had much in the way of real justice anyway. He laid siege to Tar Valon just because they were magic users, he sent part of his army and some of his own children out to cross an ocean nobody believes has anything meaningful in a ship's travel distance, never to be seen again. And honestly, nobody who wants to conquer the known world is particularly trustworthy. (5) Hopper was acting to save one of his pack. The Whitecloak was acting to save his own life. If Perrin killed anyone in a blackout rage, it was at the loss of his packmate-friend. Do you think one side was more right, or more wrong, than the other? (6) So, we've heard the name Bornhald before, the Whitecloak who took issue with Rand's attitude in Baerlon. It would appear that his given name is Dain, and we've just met his father, Geofram. Fun times, keeping literally rabid fascism in the family. (7) This guy seems like a real treat.

[chuuyayanya]

I haven't been able to do a lot of writing for this idea just yet, i gotta get a bit further with my other projects first

But here's something i did a while back for the first chapter:

'How to Rig a Majority Vote' a guide by Chuuya Nakahara

Sara wasn’t sure why, but out of all the people she’d met in here, the one that had the largest red flags for her was the office worker with the weird tie. She’d overheard the man telling a small boy that it had been a present from his daughter, odd taste on her part, but it was still kinda cute.

So, here she was, in a weird facility, surrounded by strangers, two of which being very large muscular men. And the person who scared her the most was a short, leanly built man who couldn’t have been any older than 25. A man with a family, with children. A man who was treating that small, scared boy so carefully.

Sara wasn’t sure what it was about the man. Maybe it was the set of his shoulders. Maybe it was because of everyone here, he seemed the least worried about they’re situation.

Or maybe…

Maybe it was just the way the hair raised on her arms whenever he moved.

Maybe it was the feeling, the instinct, buried deep inside her yelling that this man was dangerous.

Sara just didn’t know.

All the facts she had about him, from some observations and a bit of eavesdropping, pointed to him just being a regular person.

So what was this feeling?

Sara pondered about whether or not this person could have been part of this set up. Someone that was placed within the group to keep the peace and work to progress whatever sick and twisted ideas a group who would kidnap children could have in mind.

Sara shook her head clear. It wouldn’t be a good idea to start suspecting others of any wrongdoings before she even knew what was going on.

When the tired looking blonde man suggested they get started with introductions, the office worker wasn’t one of the ones to hold back.

“Names Nakahara Chuuya, but please, call me Chuuya.”

-o0o-

Everything had been going well, surprisingly.

It wasn’t soon after meeting a man with green hair and an obnoxious red scarf that he’d started getting followed.

And when they’d finally gone in for the ‘kill’, Chuuya had let them.

Which kinda grates on him a bit. Because now an entire organisation thinks that they can overpower him. Which, ha, lol nope.

Not that they think they can pull one over on ‘Port Mafia Underboss Nakahara Chuuya’.

No, no no.

They think they pulled one over on ‘Family Man Nakahara Chuuya’.

Which they normally would be able to do.

If he were anyone else.

Unfortunately for them though, they’ve accidentally let an overpowered ability user with a bone to pick into their weird ass social experiment. How fun.

This whole situation still left a bad taste in his mouth. Chuuya might not have gotten involved if it had been different, if there hadn’t been multiple children forced into this. But there had been. And now Chuuya was here to make sure every single one of them got out alive.

And that's it!

There wont be anything else for a while... i'm a slow writer🥲

im working on a new fanfic

its a yttd x bsd crossover 🙃

(Edit: I should specify that it’s about chuuya going undercover to take down asunaro)

[sleepthinks]

Had a bad dream that went on for a bit, and since dreams were why i made this blog in the first place, hopefully getting this out of my head and onto a post will resolve me of this burden.

The first dream last night i dont remember yet, but i know it was about high school and i was relieved to wake up and not have to go through it anymore

The second dream starts off with me going to a bridal shower with my stepmother (who ive been no contact with for nearly 20 years)

As we wait for the food to be ready (indian? I've never had indian irl) the host had a bag of assorted toys for me to look through (lego pieces and figures)

I happily went to sorting the lego pieces out (rather than have to see my stepmother) and the longer i went through the bag, the cooler stuff the host seemed to have. (old star wars lego mini figures including droids and aliens, THEN they had some rare, still in packaging power rangers figures, the whole OG set)

Each new discovery was better than the last so i HAD to keep digging. I didnt know the host (or her fiance) but with toys like these i have NO idea how she was connected to my stepmonster.

Eager to find the next hidden prize, i opened a bag they had stashed underneath their coffee table to find... Another bag? Kinda weird. But this second bag had multiple pockets and zippers. Inside the first pocket was a small tent rolled up? The second pocket had dark red leather gloves. The third pocket had some sort of metal attachment or armor of some kind? At this point i am thoroughly disturbed and have this awful dread setting in. I thought i was finding cool exciting treasures but the tone of the dream has changed and now i know ive come across something secret and dark.

I join the rest of the bridal shower at a dinner table as they line up to get scoops of indian food (again, idk how this is in my dream, i havent really had indian food irl)

Listening to the strangers around the table talk, i begin to suspect that the host and her fiance are into ttrpgs, things like Dungeons and Dragons, and they joke about going so far as wearing costumes, but the dread inside me grows deeper. Remember im being dragged along to this event by my stepmother, who is the type of Feisty-Christ-y that would consider things like D&D and Harry Potter to be witchcraft and therefore satanic and evil. Im so uncomfortable in the dream im dying to evaporate on the spot rather than be associated with this woman.

Just then, the host woman's fiance makes a surprise appearance (do grooms go to bridal showers? Idk) and as he's greeting the other women gathered there, his eyes scan over me and i instantly know he knows i know and he's PISSED

*Something happens here i dont quite remember. I think my first alarm goes off to wake me up and i smash snooze on that bitch*

Now in the dream I'm outside somewhere i do not recognize. I'm on a town street, with business buildings on either side. The side im on has a white building with blue trim and a sign on top that says "Biggest Lies." The building directly across from it has a red trim and sign that reads "Littlest Lies." In the dream it is known (by dream logic/knowledge) that these are government buildings. Next to the Biggest Lies building is a sort of petting zoo, but in place of animals the yard just has the melted wreckages of various different vehicles.

Searching around the wreckage sites i pick up a small hatchet, thats completely gold. Instead of a smooth, rounded handle, the hatchet has a groove down the grip, like something else is supposed to slot into it somehow.

Slowly cruising down through the street in between the buildings are several large cars, maybe on parade? They are decorated in signs and tinsel and flags. All of these cars/trucks are on large wheels and the drivers are men with cowboy hats and sunglasses and clean white suits.

I don't understand what this parade is about, like what political stance they are trying to exclaim, or what the reason for their celebration is, but i know that this hatchet is how i need to defend myself from these people.

I cross the street into a building next to the Littlest Lies building. Even though this building looks like a store front, once you get inside you are met with a solid, blank wall. Turning almost completely around i notice a small, narrow stairway that winds up and around itself leading up to a second floor. As i climb the stairs the wall has these large thin gold plates, almost like tapestries, stretching from floor to ceiling. These panels are engraved, but in a language i cant read.

The stairs lead up to the second floor landing with a room that's even smaller than the entryway on the first floor. This room has even more of the gold panels on the walls, but instead of being neatly spaced along the stairwell, they are plastered haphazardly all over the walls of the room. In the middle of the floor there is a small altar with dying candles in a circle on the floor. On top of this altar is a small, palm sized golden puck. Its like a small circle with smaller circles stacked on top, like a wedding cake, but could fit in your hand and is only 2-3 inches high. Obviously i pick up this mystical treasure, even though the room I'm in feels like a ritual space of a crazy person. The underside of this puck has a silver circle that feels almost magnetic. Making my way back down the stairs i throw the puck into the golden panels. The dream logic was if i could knock one of these panels off the wall, perhaps there would be a passage i could continue down rather than go back outside to the parade of hostile people.

Having no luck and nowhere else to go, i have to return to the street parade that is now even more agitated. They've set some more of their cars on fire, leaving more melted carcasses along the street.

Fearing for my life, but also afraid that these people will take the hatchet or golden puck from me, i grip the small relic tight and the pointed end digs into my palm. Like a spring loaded toilet paper holder, the object pushes back against my grip and then extends way out, creating a nearly meter long rod thats end is now a sharp point. Like the hatchet, this rod also has an uneven shaft, like it's been split in two and has another piece that would slide into it.

Using my new spear-like weapon, i start stabbing the tires of the remaining cars in the parade. The strange people were aggravated before, and now they are murderous. Not willing to go down without a fight, i brandish both of my golden weapons at the crowd closing in around me.

*my alarm goes off again. I've been saved from this nightmare but my mind is still fully pulled back into the dream, this cycle repeats several times, with a different reality each time*

Eventually I'm back at the bridal party but this time I'm separated from the women from earlier and on the opposite side of the house. The groom from before- (lets give him a name. Ivan? Ivan sounds like a murderer right?) - ivan has recruited three of his friends to show up and these men are confronting me with the same murderous intent of the crowd from the parade. I discover the truth: Ivan has a sinister power, to transport his group into the different realities they play "D&D" in. But his group is sadistic and cruel and any dimension they move to they treat horribly. They murder and rob everyone they come across because they know in their own world they wont face consequences. But now that i know their secret, they cant let me leave and risk that i would expose them as the awful people they are. One of Ivan's buddies seems to hesitate about murdering a child. (lets give this guy a name too. Don? Don seems fine.) Ivan reaches out and places a hand on Don's shoulder. Still glaring at me, he whispers his spell and shoves his friend to the side. Don's eyes roll to the back of his head as he screams and falls to his knees. Before he can hit the ground, his body disappates into whatever dimension Ivan called him to.

Frantic again I turn and run, but im stuck in a house im unfamiliar with and im outnumbered. Panicking as i move through the hallway, I'm holding onto the wall to keep my scared self from falling. As i round a corner, the wall i was clutching splinters apart and I'm left holding a new relic. This one is long and wooden, with a wide, curved end like the stock of a rifle. Unfortunately the other end doesnt have a gun, it just ends with the same notched grooves that the previous weapons had. WHAT am i supposed to slot into these??

I don't remember what happened next. At one point i find another wooden piece that threads onto the wooden stock like a silencer/barrel, but theres still no actual gun pieces.

Eventually my final alarm goes off and i have to drag myself to work. But all morning i cant shake the feelings of dread and fear that were so strong in the dreams

[mimisempai]

Missing you comes in waves and tonight I'm drowning

Summary:

After seeing Loki disappear before his eyes and confined to the TVA because of the failed mission, Mobius decides to still believe in Loki and search for him. He witnesses the discussion between Sylvie and Loki on the train

Notes:

My theories on the method used by Mobius to locate Loki is probably very far-fetched and lacks technical truth, but that's not the most important point here, so I hope you'll forgive me for my short cuts. (I miss them together!)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/32162878

2008 words - Rating G

"Loki! Wait!"

Loki looked at him for a moment before stepping through the portal.

By the time they got there, it was too late Loki and the portal was gone.

"I knew he would betray us as soon as he could!" said one of the hunters right next to Mobius.

"Shut up!" shouted Mobius at him before returning to the TVA.

As he walked toward Ravonna's office, the same thoughts swirled over and over in his head.

Had Loki betrayed him! What were his plans? But worst of all, was he in danger?

He tried to think rationally.

Loki always said he was one step ahead, but Mobius knew that wasn't true. Loki was improvising. Loki was adapting. So reason told Mobius that this is what he had done.

That's when Mobius decided to do something he'd never done in his life at the TVA, he was going to bet on chaos. On the fact that Loki had chosen to follow the variant not only for his own sake but also because it was his mission.

Because Mobius could not imagine that what they had shared was nothing in the eyes of the god.

"Mobius! In my office!"

Ravonna... he was already imagining her reprimands, "I warned you" "he can't be trusted"...

As soon as he entered her office, she showed him a screen and just said, "Look!"

A scene showing the variant fighting in a hallway with the guards and Loki in the locker room retrieving his daggers then arriving at the place where the guards were eliminated.

Next scene Loki and the variant fighting, Loki trying to convince her to team up, at this point, despite the faith he has in him, Mobius could not determine if this is a way to stop her or get what he wants.

Then Rovenna arrives and the variant uses Loki as a hostage.

Mobius could not prevent a gasp.

Still on the screen, seeing that Rovenna is not persuaded, Loki grabs an object that opens a portal above them and he and the Variant disappear.

Mobius tried not to show his relief, but he saw that Rovenna was not fooled.

"So you still trust him?"

Mobius looked at her defiantly, "As long as I don't have concrete, real proof that he betrayed us, yes I’ll trust him!"

"Always the idealistic dreamer huh?"

Mobius didn't answer, Rovenna continued, "You're grounded here until I tell you otherwise. You can get out."

Once out, Mobius sat in a chair, held his head in his hands, and began to think. He was grounded, but there was nothing to stop him from trying to figure out where Loki was.

He just had to figure out how to locate him.

The difference was that now, thanks to Loki, he knew to look in the apocalypses, what he had to find now was the equivalent of that candy, something out of the ordinary, something anachronistic.

He stood up suddenly, he had found it!

He went to the office, where the screen that displayed all the nexuses was located.

"Casey! Come here!"

The younger man got up and joined him. Mobius spoke more softly, "Will you help me with a secret project?"

Casey, who had great respect for the man, nodded.

"Follow me."

They headed into the archive room. Mobius chose a table a little out of the way.

"You sit here. I'll be right back."

A few minutes later, he returned with a stack of files that he separated into two piles.

"In all these apocalypses, we need to find one where it mentions two Lokis variants and unusual magical acts."

"Got it!"

Mobius didn't know if his smoky theory would work out, but he didn't have much choice.

He couldn't help but think back to a similar scene a few days earlier, when Loki had fallen asleep. He had let his guard down in the presence of Mobius, so that meant something, didn't it?

He started to flip through the files.

"M-Mobius! I think I've got it!"

Casey was showing him a file, Lamentis-1 - 2077, a woman reports that two demons tried to attack her. One even allegedly posed as her deceased husband in order to get information.

Mobius could feel it in his bones. It was Loki and the Variant.

He was going to have to gamble on someone again.

"Casey. I need you to keep this a secret for a while longer. If Ravonna gets wind of this, I'm afraid she'll launch an assault and won't hesitate to eliminate Loki."

Casey nodded without taking time to think, "As long as you need Mobius."

Mobius was surprised that he didn't have to persuade Casey more than that.

After all, he seemed to be the good, loyal employee who never disobeyed.

Casey, seeing his reaction, added with a knowing smile, "You know, I like Loki too. He promised me he'd show me what a fish is and you know? The drink he took from me the other day, he bought me another one and apologized. A villain wouldn't take the time to do something like that right?"

Mobius's throat tightened. Casey was the first person other than himself to acknowledge that there was good in Loki.

"Thanks."

Casey nodded and returned to his desk.

Mobius headed straight for the video archive room. The advantage of being an agent of his rank was that he had unrestricted access to this section of the archives.

He searched through the shelves until he found the videos of Lamentis 1 in 2077.

He sat down in front of one of the small projectors provided for this purpose. He was going to start from the described scene that Casey had shown him.

After entering a few parameters, the screen lit up with Loki being blasted by an old woman.

The noise of the meteors that rained down around

Loki and the one who accompanied him, prevented Mobius from hearing what was being said.He pressed the fast-forward button until Loki and the girl, after some trouble to enter the train, found themselves in a box in the dining car.

He turned up the volume to hear their conversation.

He was amazed at how easily they seemed to converse, despite the jabs on both sides, and couldn't help a twinge of annoyance that he refused to recognize as jealousy.

The variant said to Loki, mockingly, "FYI, that wasn't even a plan."

"Oh, really?"

God how Mobius missed that cheeky attitude. Even when unmasked, Loki still had that irritating confidence.

The variant replied, "Plans have multiple steps. Dressing as a guard and getting on a train is just doing a thing."

She couldn't hold back a yawn.

Loki responded, "Oh, are you a bit tired? Feel free to, you know, get some rest."

One thing Mobius had realized and Casey had confirmed to him just before was that Loki cared more about others than he let on if you paid attention.

The variant grunted and replied, "I can't sleep in a place like this."

"You can't sleep on a train?"

The variant retorted, irritated, "No. I can't sleep around untrustworthy people."

Loki replied, still cheeky, "Oh, right. That's me?"

Fearing he might misinterpret what had been said, Mobius pressed rewind and let the scene play out before him.

The image of Loki nodding in agreement about not being able to sleep near people he couldn't trust was superimposed on the image of Loki sound asleep in his company.

He could not suppress the pang of his heart.

Loki trusted him, Loki considered him trustworthy.

While he was thinking, the video had continued and Loki was now talking about his mother.

Mobius had witnessed Loki's relationship with his mother and his devastation at the news of her death.

Loki's voice had become more hushed, with that hint of fragility he had whenever he spoke of her.

"She was, um... A Queen of Asgard. She was good. Purely decent."

Then the variant and Loki respectively provoked each other about the fact that they were adopted and Loki continued, "You know, when I was young, she'd do these little bits of magic for me. Like turn a flower into a frog or cast fireworks over the water. It all seemed impossible. But she told me that I'd be able to do it too because... Because I could do anything. You wanna see?"

Loki sets off tiny fireworks over his hand.

Mobius could not deny his feelings at that moment.

The sight of magic coming from Loki's hands, pure magic, was enchanting.

Loki continued, "She was the kinda person you'd want to believe in you."

Mobius could not help but whisper, "Loki, I believe in you."

For a few moments he didn't catch the conversation until it was audible again. Apparently they were talking about their love interests.

The variant asked Loki, "How about you? You're a prince. Must've been would-be-princesses or perhaps, another prince." She finished with a wink.

Loki, replied with a serious look, "A bit of both. I suspect the same as you. But, nothing ever..."

The variant finished his sentence, "real."

"Let me find you and I'll prove to you how real it is." Mobius didn't realize he was speaking aloud. He pushed fast-forward again.

The Variant had fallen asleep and Loki looked a little giddy.

Loki waved his hand and was back in his TVA agent costume.

He could wear the illusion of any outfit, and he chose this one. Why stay in these clothes?

Mobius really didn't want to be under any illusions, because how could he imagine that someone like Loki, a prince, a god, would want to claim a belonging to something like the TVA... to someone like Mobius?

Loki had started to dance and sing.

Mobius could not help but laugh. Then his laughter died down as Loki's song became more melancholic,

I stormsvarte fjell, jeg vandrer alene

Over isbreen tar jeg meg frem

I eplehagen står møyen den vene

og synger "når kommer du hjem?"

Men traner danser og fossene stanser

når hun synger, hun synger "kom hjem"

Then seeming to regain his spirits, Loki began to dance and sing happily again as if trying to prevent nostalgia from invading him.

When the music stopped, he joined the Variant and resumed his seat in front of him. Mobius managed to understand what they were saying to each other.

"What did you just sing to look so disturbed?"

Loki looked a little moved and answered him with the voice Mobius knew well, the one he used when he was serious, when he was sincere.

"It's Asgardian, it says:

In storm-black mountains, I wander alone

Over the glacier I make my way

In the apple garden stands the maiden fair and sings,

"When will you come home?"

Loki stopped, apparently moved, and the Variant simply said, "So there's a would-be-princess somewhere..."

Loki chuckled looking so sad before answering her, "I like metaphors you know, it's not a princess it's a prince, and I don't know if he's waiting for me or hoping to see me again, it's not even really my home, but..."

"But you'd like to believe that right?"

Loki nodded.

Mobius, didn't dare to believe that it was him that Loki was talking about, even though he couldn't stop the hope from rising up inside him.

The video continued, much more animated, after a wild fight, both jumped off the moving train and found themselves walking through a kind of desert towards the energy source they apparently needed to reactivate the tempad.

Mobius saw Loki suddenly stop, looking shocked. But Mobius was unable to hear what they were saying, the sound of the meteors again covering their voices.

Suddenly, Loki shouted louder, "But they don't know that!"

And they began to run.

Mobius could see that Loki was repeating something as he ran, an expression that Mobius had never seen on his face. Like he was worried. But he couldn't hear him. He zoomed in closer to try to read Loki's lips and finally succeeded.

Mobius.

_________

The whole serie here : The story of Loki and Mobius

Not beta'd I hope you enjoyed it 🥰

[jjk-anime-horray]

A Call in the Night

Dazai Osamu x reader x Oda Sakunosuke

Series Summary: While Dazai finally gets over the death of his friend and moves on with his life, he has to watch him unnaturally return into the world, and now he has to watch him turn twisted and into everything he hated in a way.

Chapter Summary: The Armed Detective Agency gets a call about an warehouse incident that happened in the middle of the night, and send two detectives to respond to it.

Notice: This fic series is going to have some dark themes in it so be warned, and in this AU Dazai and the reader are members of the armed detective agency, and this is a spiritual successor to “Late Night Tickets, and Meeting Him.” So I recommend reading that first even though you don’t need to. This is going to be a series!

Trigger Warnings: Blood, mentions of extreme violence, and description of illegal activities.

Getting a call about a mandatory and emergency investigation in the middle of the night, to be specific 2:32am, was something no one at the Armed Detective Agency wanted to do. So what's the most logical solution? Draw straws and the two people who draw the shortest are forced to go.

Unfortunately for you, you were one of the two unfortunate souls that drew a short straw. At least the other person who drew the short straw was Dazai Osamu, your coworker but most importantly the first friend you made in this city, so maybe you would be able to get a kick out of the bad situation at hand.

But when the two of you emerged from an alley to meet the crime scene at hand, that would by no means be the case because by the sight of the horror that layed out infront of you two it was enough for the both of you want to hurl.

Crime scene would describe the atrocity in front of as much as the phrases bloodbath and massacre would. No wonder this was an emergency for the ADA there were probably more than 30 people dead killed in various atypical ways.

First walking into the warehouse the most out of the ordinary sight would be a round wooden table with a duffle bag on it, but once someone took a closer look the rest of the ware house was completely empty other than the congealing crimson liquid that was pooling everywhere.

The five chairs around rickety table were matched with four bodies of executives of some sort laid face down on the table or dangling of the chairs.

But the most appalling sight was what was inside the duffle-bag, you were wishing it would be something tame like left behind money, however, much to your displeasure, they where severed off human heads. That by the looks of it were cut off with some sort of serrated knife my the edge markings.

"What are you thinking (Y/N)?" Were the words that Dazai spoke to snap you out of your spiraling train of thought. "I sure as hell am thinking this isn't the way I would have wanted to go."

"I'll have to agree with you on that one, this shit is something right out of a cheesy crime or horror movie.The only thing I can think of is the heads were a message of some kind to the people who were sitting at the table, and either the person at the empty seat with accomplices who killed everyone or are the only survivor, but it could be either. Were you able to identify anyone bodies or do you recognize anyone?"

"I don't recognize anyone, and most of the bodies are too mangled to be identified, but everyone at the table is wearing a customized Rolex, so I suspect that they were all executives of a organization of some kind, probably an illegal on based on all the gun men that were probably guarding the meeting before they got taken out."

"The only lead we have is the Rolex I guess, so Daz, will you take one for reference, we can visit all of the watch makers in the city to try to find out who was the person who commissioned these watches to be made, and then maybe through that we kind find out who the soul survivor was."

"Agreed."

Honestly the two of you would have been a little more playful and chatty if the events that took place tonight weren't so gruesome. The two of you were used to having to see and do brutal things, but Dazai had this gut feeling that this wasn't the typical violent act, and things weren't as the seemed.

The brown eyed detective just wanted to go take a nap after this, which was something you also wanted to do after see all the blood. Deciding to leave the true start to your investigation for a decent time the two of you swiftly communicated with the responders about the potential situation at hand. Then left to go deal with is mess the next day.

Timeskip........

After a horrible night's sleep and about three cups of coffee you were finally able to be semi-functional, so then you decided to grab your partner Dazai after dressing to impress and make for the horrible mood you currently were in from multiple factors. Dazai was even in a worse state than you where, you found him at the trying to convince Kunikida to go on the investigation for him, which was ultimately denied by the blonde haired man. Also leaving you to drag the genius yet idiotic maniac out of the office.

Walking down the streets in-between visiting different watchmakers and jewelers, you noticed some was off each time your boots hit the ridged pavement. In particular something about Dazai, his face was contorted into a being in deep thought, not to be disturbed for any reason. It was so out of character you were going to ask what he was thinking about, but then opted out.

"I know you were going to ask what I was thinking, I am a detective you know." He said his face morphing into one not of deep thought but of cockiness with a smirk. Damn, sometimes you really loved and hated that smirk, but right now you didn't know what to think of it. "I was just thinking of how now I know exactly who made the watches, and where is is for your information."

"Really who would that be? For my information."

"His name is Opāru Shokunin, he's done a lot of custom jewelry for Elise-chan and the port mafia in the past, but recently he's been doing a lot of foreign commissions for gangs and syndicates outside of Japan my word of mouth. When I first saw the watches I was initially reminded of how it looked like his handy work, but since the first three places we've visited were a bust, i'm confident it's him."

"Alright Mr. Mic-cocky, lead the way by all means." You scoughed lightly.

Unfortunately for the two of you, your desired destination was all the way across yokohama, so you had to hail a taxi which you knew you were going to be the one paying or it. The icing on the shitty cake was that you got stuck in rush hour traffic, so, the total time until arrival was three time longer than it should have been. At least you got dibs on the radio choice.

When the two of you arrived at your desired destination you now witnessed a normal looking office building, unfortunately, there was no elevator so the two of you had to work your legs up three flights of stairs to make it to Opāru's workshop.

Before you went in however you whispered to Dazai "how do we know he's even gonna be willing to talk to us?"

"He's going to be willing...."

"Why?"

"Simple you're gonna pay him."

"Um no you're going to pay him because I payed for the cab!"

"Um no."

"Yes!"

"No."

"Yes!"

"You realize I can hear you two bickering right?" was the raspy voice of the man you were looking for that ended your whisper argument. He was actually younger than you expected, about 38, but he looked older than his body by his eyes, the eyes of someone very worn out. Which would explain the smoking. "He's right i'll talk if you pay me, just come in before ya give everyone else a headache."

The two of you swiftly made your way into the working man's shop room. The room was a lot nicer than you thought it would be, and a lot lighter too. The man possessed a very nice view from his wall because his wall was almost completely filled with by windows. Dazai did mention something about the craftsmen liking natural light in the cab on the way here, so it wasn't too surprising and really lightened the room up.

You followed Dazai to the two chairs across from the white tufted sofa that Opāru was already occupying. Then Dazai placed the watch and a thick wad of cash on the coffee table separating the two parties of people.

"Oh, so you're here to ask who paid me to customize this for them? No surprise there they were particularly nasty."

"How where they particularly nasty?"

"I'm pretty sure that they were doing things even nastier than the port mafia, like taking kids of the streets and shipping them off."

"So, supposedly by word of mouth were human traffickers."

" Yeah, supposedly, but I didn't ask when the guy approached me."

"The guy?" You reconfirmed.

"Yeah, the guy, he had this weird tattoo on his wrist. The guy's name was Zinnnnnng, THUMP.

The two of you didn't even have time to blink or create when the bullet zipped through the head of the craftsman from. The crimson liquid from his head pooling on the couch were he was just alive a few seconds ago. The blood seeping into the fabric like the disparity of situation into Dazai and yourself.

Glimpsing out middle window now tainted with a hole you see the silhouette of the person responsible for this.

Dashing up without a second thought you sprint to pursue the culprit of the murder that just took place infront of you. Eyeing your target through the broken window.

Ahhhhhhh! Okay I’m literally really proud of how this came out! I’m really hope people like it. I’m really new to writing full fanics so if any experienced writer is reading this will you please give some pointers, that would be very helpful!

-Ellie

[captain-acab]

@just-your-average-tangerine I don't know anything about singing but!!

I do know a little bit about social psychology and communication, and I want to address what your friends told you. (well you said "a couple people," but I'm assuming these are people whose opinions you value?)

It sounds like they're trying their best to look out for you.

This is a controversial statement that many people in the notes may not agree with, but it has an important corollary:

Just because they meant well doesn't mean they're right.

I can see how their line of reasoning went, and I can see where they're wrong.

We all live in a society (yes it's a meme, but it's also a very basic statement about humans). That means we all have beliefs, expectations, and reasoning that are influenced by societal norms. One thing that has allowed humans to build complex societies is that were excellent at pattern recognition and grouping. The cog sci term for this is "thin slicing," aka the ability to extrapolate a lot of information from a "thin slice" of data. This is also the reason why tribalism, xenophobia, and racism are so ubiquitous. In short: we make assumptions about people.

Right now, I'm going to make some assumptions about those "couple people" you talked to, based on the thin slice of data you shared:

They're some flavor of leftists

They spend a fair amount of time online, including Tumblr or Tiktok

They engage, or have engaged, in something that could be described as "online discourse"

They have multiple faves, either IRL acquaintances or celebrities, that they have "canceled" and don't like anymore

They don't spend much or any time volunteering in-person (e.g. at a soup kitchen)

This is important because these traits coincide with having strong beliefs around how morality is displayed socially. In addition, they interact primarily with a small social sphere, which can skew their perceptions of "common" vs "uncommon" behaviors.

They have probably developed an idea of the prototypical *gritted teeth* straight white man, which includes things like "drinks beer," "plays guitar," "mainstream interests," "uninformed about feminism/queer theory," "emotionally abusive or manipulative"— wait, what? Do you see how quickly that escalated?

For people who believe that all those traits typically occur together, something as innocuous as "playing guitar" turns into a "big red flag."

But crucially, can your friends actually put into words what, specifically, is dangerous about playing an instrument? Can they describe what tangible, real-world harm guitar-playing can cause?

Or is it simply guilt by association?

There are other layers to this situation as well; it isn't uncommon for trans men to find themselves treated differently as they present more and more masculinely, as people start projecting assumptions about violence onto them. That's why back when you either ID'd as or were read as a "straight white woman," playing guitar and singing were harmless hobbies, but now that you're read as a white man, these traits become further proof that you fit into the violent male archetype.

But transitioning does not make you more violent. It does not make you a bad person, or make your hobbies any more suspect. You are still the same person.

Here's the kicker: Your friends probably know this! That's why they're advising you to stop playing guitar, so that you don't get judged as a stereotype by other people. But that doesn't mean they're right. Guitar playing (and singing) are extremely common hobbies, and the vast, vast majority of people do not have any negative associations with them whatsoever.

Your friends meant well, but they were ultimately telling you to stop doing what you enjoyed in order to fit in and not attract hostility from prejudicial people. And that's not a good reason.

If someone truly doesn't want to associate with you just because you play guitar, that's probably not someone you want to associate with either!

In conclusion:

The danger your friends perceive is disproportionate; guitar playing is extremely common.

The danger your friends perceive is unfounded; there is nothing inherently harmful about playing guitar as any gender. A "red flag" must indicate tangible harm.

The advice your friends gave is ineffective; making yourself more palatable to people who already decided to dislike you will never work.

The advice your friends gave is ultimately harmful to you; it demands that you reduce yourself and relinquish your hobbies, with no concrete benefit for yourself.

So I talked to a couple people and they all agreed that 'straight* white man playing guitar' is a pretty big red flag and I should probably stop and not tell people that I've ever played. I love it and I'm going to miss it a lot but it's probably for the best.

I was never that good to begin with and especially since t ruined my voice theres not much point.

*while I would consider myself gay, the consensus was that I'm a trans man so I am a man, but I'm still biologically female so my attraction to men is straight

[gdsplay]

I'm a VIP since 2008. Have been there through every s**t this group have gone through, and I think your blind defending of the other members is gross.

The truth is we simply DON'T KNOW whatever other members knew or not about SR's crimes. I really don't think they have done anything wrong physically, but I absolutely think they at least were fully aware of what SR was doing.

BB have been at least once to his club (this is what we know of, and this is when SR got the nickname of SK gatsby by GD). SR offered prostitutes to his business partners, and I absolutely believe he offered some to BB. He really didn't think it was wrong, this was his way of saying "look, I'm successful now", and I doubt he wouldn't show that to BB. And even if he didn't, they're all smart men (yes, even SR), they have been inside his club, I doubt it they didn't notice what was going on.

Over the years they have warned him of his friends group. Why? How did they know they were shady people? Was it a thing well known in the industry?

They have literally warned him of going to jail, being banned from entering SK, being a criminal (literally saying all of it like that, not going around it) - so they knew he is doing things that even the f**ked up justice system of SK wouldn't be able to look over.

They have teased him that his favorite place in JP was a "motel" or "someone's house" - give me a break, who are you going to motels with?

I don't have double standards. I will not defend any of these men. I think they knew exactly what was going on, and they chose to not speak about it - therefore allowing him to continue his wrongdoings. The truth is I DON'T KNOW for sure, there is only my assumption of whatever they knew or not, but you don't know either. If you're all in for this "moral VIP" image you created, at least be honest enough to say you don't know when being asked about whatever the others knew or not, because no one besides them can know for sure.

PS - holding against SR the fact that he is watching p0rn is not a good argument. Almost every man is watching it nowadays, a lot of women too, are they all perverts?

I have no idea how much he used to watch it, I don't think you know either, the fact that he has been caught few times doesn't mean much. I will not spread false rumors or assumptions of him being p0rn addict. I hope you will stop too, since it really doesn't fit the idea of being this "sticks to the facts" kind of person.

You seem to be twisting my words and not comprehending.

I don’t think you’re aware of how immature and childish Seungri was his whole career. Them warning him all these years was a way of ‘scaring him’ and warning him that if he did consider going down the wrong path he would end up behind bars.

‘How do we know the others weren’t aware of his wrong doings’

Do you really think they’d be okay with what he was doing secretly? Nobody knew. They’ve questioned his whereabouts for the longest as I mentioned in another ask.

Do you know how many people went to burning sun? Hyoyeon from snsd went to this club multiple times herself and even hung out with Seungri, I didn’t see anyone point fingers at her or assuming she was up to no good. They both were DJ’s.

Seungri started off DJing at this club when he would go to different clubs to DJ.

BigBang probably know of Seungri’s personality a lot more than us, knowing what he is like, they probably knew that his personality could get him into trouble at some point but its hard to suspect that someones doing illegal stuff even if they are close to you. Also, I don’t think bigbang would go to Seungri’s businesses as they are extremely busy people or are interested in clubs or ramen, and wouldn’t look through his phone for suspicious text messages (since thats kind of invasion of privacy and friends won’t do that). If he sent text messages that were illegal to them. He had other phones. Just because Seungri was stupid enough to get within the wrong crowd, dare more about business and wondered off away from BigBang doesn’t equal to the members knowing. They’ve stated themselves way before this came to light that Seungri became more distant, he wouldn’t be with the others anymore. He constantly was ‘away’ and they wondered where he would go. So they must’ve of figured he was up to know good which is why they really got onto him even worse from 2016- enlistment. They tried to warn him and scare him straight in case he was up to something shady himself but instead Seungri didn’t care.

Have you never watched out or warned a friend when you’ve felt uncomfortable or someone toxic could be stepping into your life?

You’ve never gotten shady vibes from people? So many have came forward in my inbox mentioning they’ve had a bad gut feeling about Seungri way before this came to light and these people don’t even know him personally, so that says a lot. Imagine meeting these shady people for the first time. Why would they try to keep him away from his money hungry business friends but also take part in it? None of them have went to this club or were interested. They did not want to hangout with him and his business pals. Just like you feel you wouldn’t want to hangout with certain people you don’t know especially after getting shady vibes from these guys? Yeah I wouldn’t either. I’ve had my own fair share of coming a cross people who’ve given me a bad feeling without knowing. I stayed away and my gut feeling is always right.

You can continue and make up your own logic of the blame game but there’s too much evidence agaisnt what you’re trying to argue about. You’re also spreading misinformation yourself. It’s odd your defending Seungri at the same time as bashing him and the others. For someone who’s known of them for over a decade it sure doesn’t seem like it.

[spicymayo1983]

Hiya. This is chapter 3. After your graduation from flight school (and after an intense first night with Poe) you are both addicted to each other mentally and physically.

Your relationship progresses quickly as the galaxy faces new turmoil and danger.

Your best friend and roommate makes a confession to you, one that you didn't see coming.

Is it true love or just lust between you and Poe?

Warnings, XXX soft smut, porn with a plot, major angst, light domination, creampies, not for anyone under 18.

Chapter 3: Turbulence

If multiple orgasms were a drug then Poe Dameron was your dealer. Your passionate romps became a regular thing over the coming weeks.

He was the best lover that you'd ever been with. Poe was an expert when it came to the female anatomy. He seemed to know exactly when and where to touch you with his fingers, mouth and cock.

Oh, the things he could do with that tongue.....

You'd always come home a day or two later, wearing the same clothes, much to the chagrin of Liz.

Liz was intelligent and beautiful but far less outgoing than you. She was shy and seemed to shun romantic relationships.

You had moved into a nice condo with your college roommate. You suspected that she was jealous of you and Poe's trysts.

And she was, but not for the reason you thought.

Late one night, at around 1 AM, you receive a simple text from Poe via communicator.

He was in the hangar, and he wanted you to wear a short skirt with no panties.

When you arrive you spot Poe by his X wing, wearing his orange jumper.

His hair was a wild mess and he had a little dark grease on his forehead. He had been working on his ship through the night. The atmosphere was thick with testosterone.

Gentle, cuddly Poe was gone at the moment. Replaced by an arrogant flyboy who wanted to fuck you hard and fast like an animal.

Without saying a word he kissed you passionately, by the time his mouth finally left yours you were breathless, and wet.

"We'll have to be quiet". Poe warned with a slight laugh as he positioned you facing the side of the X wing, leaning against it.

He lifted your skirt, revealing your bare bottom. Poe smacked it, hard, making you jump a little.

He massaged your wet, silken folds until you were able to accept his cock.

"Bend over". He ordered quietly, a wicked smile appearing on his gorgeous face.

Poe unzipped his jumpsuit down below his bellybutton. He pulled his hard cock out of his underwear and while you were bent over grabbed you by the hips and started fucking you.

There you were, in the shadow of the X wing, being fucked by Poe Dameron while he was still in his flight suit.

You whimpered softly as you felt him spill his large, creamy load deep inside of you.

Afterwards Poe dipped his finger inside of your throbbing pussy and watched as his cum dripped out of your body.

It was like he had marked you as his property. It was erotic to him to see you filled with his essence.

You felt filthy, you felt like a slut, but you felt more alive then you had ever felt in your entire life.

"Someday I want to put a baby inside of you". Poe confessed with a slight smile as he gave your ass another hard spank.

You weren't sure if it was just bedroom talk or not, or if he was serious.

You return home with Poe still dripping out of you. You are too tired to take a shower so you undress and fall asleep in your unmade bed.

The next morning over breakfast the tension between you and Liz could be cut with a knife.

She wasn't talking to you and you weren't talking to her.

You could sense that something had made her unhappy by the uncomfortable silence.

Instead of the usual laughter and fun banter there was absolutely nothing. Finally you break the unsettling quiet by saying,

"Liz, damn it, what's wrong?"

"You're never around anymore". Liz confessed with an angry sigh as she banged her fist on the dining table. "Why do we share this space? What's the point?"

"Settle down, it's not like we're married". You snap back, laughing a little at her irrational, jealous reaction.

Your words make Liz burst into tears.

"Liz, I had no idea". You reply back instantly, your smile fading quickly and tears stinging your own eyes. "You could've told me sooner, you know I wouldn't judge".

"I wish I was him". Liz confessed, as she angrily stood up from the table. "I love you and have always loved you".

"I love you too, but not in that way". You tell her with a deep sigh. "I mean, I'm straight, I like men, I'm flattered, don't get me wrong, but you are like a sister to me".

Your heart to heart with your friend is interrupted suddenly by a hologram from Poe.

The look on his face is dead serious. This was not the usual flirty message that he would send you three or four times a day.

"Poe, what is it?" You ask, the expression on your face calm but nervous.

"We are facing total annihilation, you are needed, now, in the war room". Poe explained to you.

With those ominous words he ended the message. You look to Liz for something, anything, encouraging words, a flippant response, but even she has nothing for you.

End of part 3

[jamesbi-canonbarnes]

I'm having trouble connecting the emotional through line between episodes 2 and 3. In the therapy session Sam tells Bucky they can just finish the mission and then they're done with each other, after that it seems like things have cooled a bit and Bucky even starts to say, "I feel awful" before they get interrupted by Walker. Then in 3 things seems relatively fine between and they even (especially Sam) show some concern for the other?? And Bucky totally still not trying to understand Sam's POV

Ok ok mood. I’m not an expert on writing, but I do have lots of thoughts on this, so lemme talk this through w you (long post ahead). Some of these thoughts are going to be theorizing super hard about what’s going to happen in future eps so for sure take that with a grain of salt.

IMO for a show where the most interesting thing is literally just the emotional states of these two men and how they relate to each other through those emotions, their emotional arcs are not nearly pointed enough for my taste...I suspect that’s partly because we’re pulled back and forth between the more lighthearted banter and the more heartfelt expressions of their internal lives. But also bc, I think, the whole thing is that these two CANT communicate because if they DO, their emotional states will reach RESOLUTION too quickly.

And IMO, I actually think it’s the therapy scene alone that is throwing the balance off leading up to 3. I didn’t feel like threatening not to ever see each other again was earned, or at least it wasn’t clear to me where it’s coming from writing-wise. (Not that I wouldn’t support Sam cutting himself off from the toxicity of someone else’s unfair expectations, if this were real life and not a function of a written story). It just feels too far a swing of the pendulum compared to directly before and after. Sam just saved Bucky, and yes he never got to finish railing Bucky over Isaiah, but *because* that argument didn’t hit its crux, I don’t think it’s enough for most viewers to explain the kind of statement Sam makes in the therapy scene. Yes Sam does keep shutting Bucky down in a lot of ways, but we also know that before Bucky confronted him in episode 2, he was doing the opposite and trying to reach out to Bucky. So it feels a bit confusing to me. I don’t know what Sam wants, besides to be left alone, and that itself feels neither genuine nor like good enough motivation on a character level for this story. So. In lieu of any other story reason, I guess I think Sam’s reaction in the therapy scene is a way to artificially raise the emotional stakes so that the eventual resolution is more satisfying. That’s the only thing I can think, although if that’s the case, they started building back up extremely quickly.

Bc you’re absolutely correct, immediately after that therapy scene, Bucky is upset but clearly wants to communicate that to Sam, contrary to any agreement to squash it and move on. And though there’s no time for dialogue then, they approach walker/Hoskins essentially a united (though frustrated) front. And then after that and all through ep 3, though they are functionally on opposite sides of the entire zemo argument in every way, Sam basically rolls over repeatedly throughout and actually ends up expressing more care for Bucky than we’ve previously seen and also opens up to him more... and IMO bucky breaking zemo out of prison without asking and with clear premeditation was a major violation of trust, for which Sam was not afforded the opportunity to express proportional ire. (For me Bucky’s speech there asking Sam to do it for him did not hit as reasonable motivation for sam). You would think after the level of ire sam expressed to bucky’s genuine (though self centered) vulnerability in the therapy session, the level of ire to bucky’s lies and even “betrayal” (as I see it) would be notable. It should be at least above essentially saying “you’re dead to me once your usefulness runs out” which I think is the dark but fair implication of “let’s just finish this and never speak again” or whatever he said in the therapy scene. Instead he says a reluctant version of “ok, I’ll do exactly what I just explicitly said I didn’t want to do, just because you asked.”

The thing is, clearly neither of them actually hate each other. They have both repeatedly shown genuine care for the other. So why is the animosity even happening?

The emotional throughlines should help us figure that out, and vice versa. So what I’m thinking is, a throughline has to have a beginning and an end, and figuring out those can help you figure out what the points in the middle should be. Here the beginning of Bucky’s emotional throughline w Sam is clearly from a starting point of straight up misplacing his grief and aggression onto Sam, bc he’s projecting Sam as the distant figurehead of stability to replace Steve. His not understanding Sam on a personal level is the primary obstacle to his realizing and resolving that entire emotional throughline, thus the end point of the throughline necessarily requires passing through Bucky understanding Sam’s POV and empathizing with Sam. In my prediction, that empathy leads to self actualization through purposefully accessing his own feelings (rather than letting his blocked emotions break through and then ignoring both the cause and consequences of them). Then he can start down a path of true restitution leading to his own healing through healing his relationships.

IMO bucky has never hated Sam. He has always fully just been jealous of him. Jealous of how happy he is, how few problems he pretends to have, and his relationship with Steve, if you want to go there.

So because Bucky does not hate Sam, there isn’t really anywhere to go after hitting the mark of seeing Sam’s POV... besides, essentially, restitution as resolution. Bc it’s through that realization>restitution that Bucky’s going to have to face the actual issue, of who he actually hates. Only then can he heal. He doesn’t have to forgive Sam. He has to forgive himself. So that he can restore himself, which he can only do after restoring Sam.

(And, if they’re really going to go there, he has to forgive Steve. I’m unsure if that’s going to be directly drawn for us or not)

I think that bucky’s throughline will resolve itself relatively quickly after Sam gets what he needs from Bucky, hence why he can’t have it yet. So in the meantime, Bucky comes off as frankly a bad friend who is self absorbed/entitled and unwilling to unlearn white supremacy bc it requires uncomfortable empathy with a Black man.

Sam’s emotional throughline as filtered through how he relates to Bucky is a little harder for me to grasp, I’ll be honest. Obviously the end point the emotional throughline has to underline is accepting the mantle of captain America (accepting himself?) So maybe that is woven among the throughline of his journey to accepting Bucky as an ally??, but I’m not sure what the starting point even is to be honest.

I do think that what is clearer (at least to me, and maybe this is only applicable to me?) about Sam is that we as the informed audience already know an important part of why he gave up the shield. It’s very much about race. Sam has not expressed that to Bucky, but we know it. Bucky has no idea that this is about race—or more accurately, that’s it’s about trauma regarding race. He hasn’t connected Sam’s ultimate motivation to Sam’s statements and experience re: race. Sam has certainly expressed anger and hurt, but he hasn’t connected them to race and then to the symbol of captain America for Bucky, whereas they’re already connected for many viewers. I’m not going to give Bucky a pass for not connecting them because that type of ignorance is not neutral. But he clearly does not know, and he DOES keep asking. He has asked multiple times in words why Sam gave up the shield. But instead of giving a direct answer, Sam continues to shut him down, each time literally by refusing to speak and walking away. Now I tend to agree with Sam that it’s none of his business. Sam shouldn’t have to bare his trauma to explain something to Bucky just because Bucky wants him to. Especially when Bucky has not indicated that he’s willing or able to empathize with the reason. And on top of that, it being something sam knows Bucky cannot fully understand? I mean, I’m on Sam’s side here.

But the thing is, the show is setting it up so that Sam has to open up. He has to let Torres touch his machinery (metaphorically) he has to let Bucky get close to him (metaphorically). Sam has to let others in and he has to do it for himself, for his own healing. But I’m not yet sure why that’s so important for his journey, besides the obvious being this is a story about how to heal from trauma from every side.

So right now I think we’re just seeing Sam continue to drop hints both about what his trauma is and about the fact that he cares for Bucky, bc those are the important things for his resolution. This is continuing despite the therapy scene and not because of it, which I find odd, from a writing perspective. And we’re seeing Bucky miss a lot of those hints, bc he’s too busy being defensive to take them as genuine expressions of what they are, of exactly what he’s asking of Sam. That *does* make sense to me from a writing perspective. Because once he understands Sam’s POV, the throughline has to move forward toward resolution.

Idk. I just am not sure that I’m really getting Sam’s arc yet. That’s not to say that it’s not emotionally hitting, necessarily, bc I am firmly finding myself behind Sam.

And allllll of that is just to say: I agree that the emotional throughline feels a bit wobbly here, and I don’t have a way to reconcile it. I will take further suggestions if anyone has them.