#I'm sorry if this is charged. opiates make me emotional

[nshtn]

fucking hell my intestines hurt so bad the pain instantly removed my ability to walk, literaly was just standing there and suddenly felt my legs just Give and had to go and give oxy and it spilled because i didnt secure the nozzle on the syringe properly and i had to give myself more because i spilled somw but then i looked and saw that some did manage to get in even though most of it squeezed out so I just doubledosed my oxy and now I just feel very weak and it's kind of hard to judge what the ground and the air is. also tired. and happy. very happy happy. but im also high from weed because i was trying to slow down the contractions so now im. triple high. lord. i wish i could just Not live like this. every time i have to dose Oxycodone i 1) have to battle my shaking hands 2) might be crawling or throwing up 3) get a massive oxygen suffocation migraibe from low bp and losing my vision 4) it makes my stomach stop working for like 2 days and it really doesn't even work to begin with. i hate it so much I hate being a fragile snowflake that literally will die because my tummy hurted. i hate having to inject myself knowing that foregoing it is basically suicide. i hate begging for oxy from doctors who Get It but are scared of getting in trouble if I die. i fucking hate the everything MY STOMACH was getting better. But my intestines never will! My intestines are fucked for life! And I thought maybe because my stomach's nerves have been improving, maybe that meant the nerves in my intestines would begin to improve, but no. No. they always hurt so bad. they are always in pain and it is so hard to get out of bed. its so hard to eat knowing what goes in must come out. i hate being able to feel my small intestine. I HATE being able to feel my large intestine. I HATE when the pain is so intense it triggers my endo. I hate it. I hate living like this. I wish I was normal and I could just have a job and eat food and go to restaurants and have ice cream and beyond burgers and onion rings I wish my pancreas worked!!! I hate it!! I can't learn to drive again because I"m too busy being SICK. I can't have a job because you can't collapse and take 4 hours off crawling in pain shock that is killing you, to your meds you have to INJECT in the tube that STICKS OUT from your body. I hate cleaning the tube I hate feeding myself water I hate waking up in the morning and smelling bile reflux and knowing my teeth are ruined by bile because my stomach can't just contract!!! I hate the doctor appointments I hate it I hate it. I hate it. I hate living like this and I have no other option and I hate it and I hate it. I hate it. I wish I was just normal. I wish my body wasn't failing me because someone else wanted fucking money off my corpse. I wasn't meant to still be here. I wasn't meant to live. I wasn't meant to survive and now I have to fight for the right to draw shitty art of characters from video games I can't even properly play because edge of your seat and jumpscares TRIGGER MY NERVE PAIN!! I can't fucking stand it and there's nothing I can do but suffer. all I do is get paid by the government to EXIST painfully. And when not painfully, im so high I ignore everyone! Because I am in another world! What the fuck is wrong with reality I want a new one