#I'm so tired please can someone from the future just tell me things won't end up catastrophically

[amandabe11man]

"I was born in the wrong time" but it's not only about aesthetics or whatever-- I was literally born in the wrong time if I wanted a chance to experience mental peace in my adult life

[mrsfancyferrari]

Our Love Is Strong

Summary: You weren't going to let your eating disorder destroy your relationship until it did.

Song: Only Love Can Hurt Like This by Paloma Faith

Author’s note: From someone probably has an eating disorder but disguises it being a picky eater, I really wanted to write this. Happy ending. Please like, reblog and share this! <3

Word count: 5.6k

MASTERLIST - F1

You and Lando Norris had just gotten into a serious relationship, and you couldn't be happier. The chemistry between you two was undeniable, and you had both been looking forward to building a future together.

However, there was one thing that you had been hiding from Lando - your biggest secret, your eating disorder.

As an F1 driver yourself, maintaining a slim figure had always been a priority. You had become accustomed to following a strict diet, limiting your food intake to the bare minimum.

Your career as a racing driver had ensured that your body was in peak physical condition, and a diet was not a major concern since you hardly ate anything in general.

However, Lando was growing increasingly concerned by your lack of appetite. He noticed that you were frequently skipping meals, and he couldn't help but notice the weight of your body diminishing.

“Are you not going to go eat more?” Lando asked you, not looking up from his phone.

“I’m full,” You answered as usual, “I’m going to be at the gym if you need me,”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Lando questioned you, concerned of your health.

“Yeah everything is okay Lando,” You said with a small smile, walking towards the door.

“Why do you insist that everything is fine when I can clearly see that you are troubled? You know I'm here to listen and understand what's really going on.”

You immediately stopped in your tracks, not turning around to face him.

“Don't shut me out please - let me in so I can help. I know you've been through a lot, but keeping your feelings bottled up isn't healthy. Please, talk to me. I want to support you, but I can't do that if you won't be honest with me.”

You kept quiet, afraid that your voice would betray you if you spoke. You didn’t want that. You could hide your secret. You hid it from your family and friends so why shouldn’t you hide it from your boyfriend?

“I'm on your side, Y/N. All I ask is that you trust me enough to open up. Together, we can work through whatever is weighing on your mind.” Lando begged, standing up from the chair and slowly walking to you.

“I’ll be in the gym if you need me,” You repeated quietly before rushing out of the room, leaving Lando in a distressed state.

You’ve been spending more time at the gym lately and less time with Lando. It's a conscious decision you made to avoid him as much as possible, as you don't want to discuss the topic of your eating habits.

Lando has always been concerned about your diet and weight, and it's become a point of contention between us. You appreciated his concern, but you feel that it's your own personal matter, and you don't want to be constantly scrutinized or lectured about it.

By spending less time with him, you were able to focus on your own fitness goals and personal growth without the added pressure.

“Congratulations Y/N! Your weight has gone to 140.0 pounds,” Your physician said, looking at the weight scale that you stood on. “Is your new diet doing good for you?”

“Umm yeah it does help,” You lied, standing off the scale after they recorded your weight.

Lies. You hardly ate the new diet. You wanted to get to the weight you were to told to get to in the quickest time so you could help your team out more that you would not be weighing down the car.

“Great, now tell me do you get any dizzy spells recently?” The physician asked, not looking up from their board.

Yes, almost everyday.

“No, I don’t get any dizzy spells,” You lied again.

“Do you ever feel cold or tired?” The physician continued.

“Nope, I feel fine,” You answered, wanting the questions to stop.

The guilt was creeping up on you slowly.

The physician smiled warmly as they reviewed the test results. "I'm pleased to say that everything looks perfectly normal," they announced, their voice exuding a reassuring tone.

"However, I would recommend making a few adjustments to your diet. Let's go over a plan that will help you feel your absolute best."

The physician proceeded to outline a balanced, nutritious regimen, tailored specifically to address any minor concerns and ensure your continued good health.

You were happy that they didn’t notice your pale skin, clammy hands and the slight ribs showing through your skin.

“Make sure to take a lot of water and stick to this new diet and I’m sure you’ll be lighter in no time,” The physician instructed.

You nodded while remembering nothing she says. You wouldn’t be needing it anyways, you have your way of losing weight.

When you left the doctor's office, you saw Carlos waiting for his own appointment. You approached him and said, "Carlos, fancy seeing you here. How are you doing?"

Carlos looked up and replied, "Oh, hey there! I'm doing alright, just waiting for my turn to see the doctor. I've been having some issues with my back lately, and I figured it was time to get it checked out. How about you, how did your appointment go?"

“It went great! Just a usual checkup,” You said, lying through your teeth.

You started to feel lightheaded, and a sense of unease crept up your spine. As you stood there, the room seemed to sway slightly, and you couldn't quite focus your eyes.

This was no ordinary feeling – something was clearly amiss. Recognising the signs of potential dizziness or even a more serious medical issue, you knew you needed to act quickly.

Taking a deep breath, you steadied yourself and began to assess the situation more closely. Was this a temporary bout of lightheadedness, or could it be a sign of a more underlying condition? Your mind raced as you considered the various possibilities, each one more concerning than the last. However, you refused to panic.

"Whoa, I'm starting to feel a bit lightheaded," you muttered, placing a hand on your forehead. "I haven't felt this way in a while."

Carlos looked at you with concern. "Are you alright? Maybe you should sit down for a moment." Hr guided you to a nearby chair and helped you ease into it.

"I'm not sure what's causing it," you replied, taking a few deep breaths. "It just came on suddenly. Do you think I should get some water or something?"

“I think you should go back into the doctor’s office to get checked out,” Carlos stated, worriedness written all over his face.

“No, no, I just forgot to drink water today,” You said, trying to regain your vision.

Carlos immediately ran over to the water dispensers, taking a cup of water before walking back to you worriedly

Carlos hurried over to the water coolers, quickly grabbing a cup and filling it with water. As he rushed back to where you were standing, a look of concern was etched across his face.

“Here you go,” Carlos said, handing you the cup of water and you took it, grateful for his actions.

“Should I call Lando to come pick you up?”

“No!” You immediately yelled, the name of your boyfriend making you jump. He would force you to go back to the doctor’s office and remove you from the race.

“I mean no, I’m meeting up with him after this so there is no point calling him,” You lied with a strained smile on, sipping on the cold water.

Carlos gave you a long stare to find anything he could use to bring his best friend into it but he found nothing.

“Carlos Sainz,” The physician called in from their office and Carlos looked annoyed to have to leave you but he saw nothing wrong with you.

"See you later, Carlos," you said, bidding farewell to your colleague in a polite and courteous manner. You then rose from the cool, metallic seat and made your way out of the building, your departure marked by a sense of professionalism and civility.

Carlos gazed at you intently one final time, his eyes conveying a sense of determination, before turning and walking towards the entrance of his physician's medical practice. . . .

Lando looked from his phone to you who was asleep in your shared bed, worried about his girlfriend.

You have been getting paler for the past few days, and he couldn't help but feel concerned. He knew how important it was for you to rest and recover, but he couldn't help but worry about your well-being.

As he watched you sleep, Lando couldn't help but feel a sense of relief.

He was grateful that you were getting the rest you needed, and he vowed to do everything in his power to ensure that you felt better soon. . . .

The qualifying race was fast approaching, and the pressure was on for both of you. You, struggling with an eating disorder, knew that your performance was being watched closely.

Charles, noticed your increasing fatigue and tried to speak up, but you brushed it off and pushed yourself harder, determined to secure more points.

You were exhausted when you bumped into Charles. "Hey, Charles."

Charles greeted you with a smile, "Hey, my friend. I noticed you've been looking a little tired lately. Are you okay?"

You were obviously guarded with your emotions, "I'm fine, thanks. Just focusing on qualifying."

Charles gently replied, "I noticed that too. The drivers are noticing too. Are you pushing yourself too hard?"

You ignored Charles' concern for you, "No, I'm perfectly fine. I just need to give my best on the track."

"Are you really sure? I've noticed that you haven't been eating much lately. Something isn't right."

"That's none of your business, Charles. I'm fine, really. Just leave me alone and focus on qualifying."

Charles wasn't going to give up easily as he firmly said, "No, it's not right, and I'm not going to leave you alone. I care about you, and I can't sit by and watch you suffer in silence."

You were beyond angry now. Why couldn't he ignore you like everyone did?

"You have no right to judge me! You don't know anything about my personal struggles."

"It's not about judgment. It's about caring. I care about you, and I don't want you to suffer in silence. Please, talk to me." Charles begged.

You weakly said, "I...I don't know what to say."

Charles had an understanding look on his face. "It's okay. I'm here for you. Just remember that it's okay to ask for help."

You answered, voice breaking, "Okay, Charles. I'll think about it."

Charles was patting your back, "Take your time. I'm here for you, no matter what."

You looked up, "Thank you, Charles."

Your eating disorder started when you were young, unable to afford good food. Growing up in a low-income household, you often went without proper nutrition, which led to a distorted relationship with food.

As you pursued your racing dreams, the pressure to maintain a certain physique only exacerbated your struggles with food. The constant focus on qualifying and securing points overshadowed your well-being.

The constant pressure to maintain a certain physique in the racing industry, coupled with the intense focus on qualifying and securing points, created a toxic environment that overshadowed your well-being.

The distorted relationship with food, stemming from your childhood experiences of not having access to proper nutrition, became even more challenging to overcome as you pursued your racing dreams.

However, being in a relationship with Lando only added to the pressure you felt. Seeing how other drivers' partners looked perfect and put-together, you couldn't help but compare yourself and feel inadequate.

The desire to fit into that mold and meet those expectations only fueled your eating disorder further, as you believed that achieving that "perfect" appearance would make you more worthy of love and acceptance.

It was a vicious cycle that seemed impossible to break. . . .

It was a crisp morning as you made your way through the paddock, the cool air sending a shiver down your spine. You tried to ignore the growing sense of fatigue that was creeping up on you, chalking it up to the nerves of the impending race.

As you approached the pit, the dizziness hit you like a wave, causing you to sway slightly on your feet. you brushed it off, determined to push through and focus on the task at hand.

The mechanics were bustling around, making final adjustments to your car, and you knew you needed to be at the top of your game.

Despite the warning signs, you climbed into the cockpit, your movements feeling sluggish and uncoordinated. The familiar rush of adrenaline was absent, replaced by a heavy, lethargic feeling. You shook your head, trying to clear the fog, but it only seemed to worsen.

As the race began, you struggled to maintain control of the car, your reactions slow and your concentration wavering. The other drivers pulled ahead, leaving you trailing behind, unable to muster the energy to keep up.

You knew you were putting yourself and the team at risk, but the thought of admitting defeat was too much to bear.

By the time the chequered flag fell, you had finished well outside the points, your body and mind utterly spent.

As you returned to your garage, you sat in your car, gasping for breath, feeling completely drained and unable to move. Your body ached with exhaustion, and even lifting your hand to wipe away the sweat on your brow seemed like an impossible task.

The physical and mental toll of the race had taken its toll on you, leaving you in a state of utter exhaustion. The disappointment and frustration washed over you, knowing that you had pushed yourself to the limit and still fell short of your expectations.

You stumbled out of the car, your legs wobbly and unsteady. The pit crew rushed to your side, concerned expressions on their faces as they tried to offer support.

Ignoring their pleas, you continued to wander aimlessly with your helmet on, the voices around you becoming a distant blur.

The weight of disappointment and frustration settled heavily on your shoulders, as you struggled to come to terms with falling short of your own expectations.

As you stumbled aimlessly with your helmet on, your vision began to blur and darken. Colors and shapes merged together, and you could barely make out the faces of the concerned pit crew.

Panic set in as you realized that your body had reached its breaking point, and your vision was giving out completely.

The world around you faded into darkness, leaving you disoriented and overwhelmed.

As you collapsed on the ground, the pit crew rushed to your side in a frenzy of concern and alarm. Their voices blended together, a cacophony of worried shouts and urgent instructions.

Some knelt down beside you, gently trying to rouse you, while others hurriedly called for medical assistance. The team's collective panic was palpable as they desperately tried to understand what had happened and how to help you.

As the medical team arrived, the pit crew stepped back, their faces etched with worry and fear.

They exchanged glances, silently conveying their shared concern for your well-being. The atmosphere in the garage had shifted from anticipation and excitement to a somber and tense mood, as everyone anxiously awaited news of your condition.

Another thing that the pit crew was worried about was your boyfriend, Lando Norris, and his reaction to your condition.

They knew that he would be furious and distraught when he found out what had happened. They understood the immense pressure he put on himself to perform well, and they feared that he would blame himself for your collapse.

They braced themselves for the storm that was about to come, hoping that they could provide him with the support he needed to navigate through his own emotions.

A staff member had come up to Lando and whispered something to him. "Lando, we need to talk. Something has happened to Y/N. She collapsed after the race and the medical team is attending to her right now."

Lando was shocked by the information. "What? Is she okay? What happened? Why wasn't I informed earlier?"

"We're still waiting for more updates, but it seems like her body gave out under the pressure. The doctors are doing everything they can. We didn't want to distract you during the race." The staff explained to him

"I can't believe this. I should have been there for her. She always puts so much on herself. I need to see her, now." Lando said, walking towards your paddock garage.

The staff member immediately followed him, not wanting him to make any rash decisions in public. "We're making arrangements for you to visit her at the hospital, Lando. Your focus right now should be on her well-being."

Lando paced back and forth, his anxiety growing with each passing second. He couldn't stand the thought of you being alone in the hospital, fighting for your well-being.

As he waited for the car to arrive, he replayed the events of the race in his head, desperately searching for any signs that he might have missed.

A car finally came to pick up Lando and take him to the hospital. As he got in, he couldn't shake off the feeling of guilt, wondering if there was anything he could have done differently during the race to prevent your collapse.

The drive to the hospital felt like an eternity, each passing moment filled with worry and self-doubt.

He finally arrived at the hospital and approached the reception desk, his voice trembling as he asked the secretary for your name. The secretary looked up and said, "May I ask your relationship to the patient?"

Lando took a deep breath, trying to steady his nerves, and replied, "I'm her boyfriend, Lando Norris. Please, I need to see her right away."

The secretary nodded sympathetically and quickly located your name on the computer.

"She's in room 305 on the third floor. Take the elevator to your left," she said, pointing in the direction.

Lando thanked her and hurriedly made his way towards the elevator, his heart pounding with a mixture of fear and hope.

As Lando stepped into the elevator, he couldn't help but feel a sense of relief that he had finally found your room.

The journey up to the third floor felt like an eternity, each passing floor filled with anticipation and worry.

As Lando stepped out of the elevator onto the third floor, he couldn't help but feel a surge of relief and anticipation. Room 305 was just down the hallway, and he quickened his pace, eager to see you and reassure himself that you were okay.

The door to the room swung open, revealing a scene of medical equipment and monitors, but what caught Lando's attention was the sight of you lying in the hospital bed.

His eyes filled with tears as he approached you, gently taking your hand in his.

As Lando looked at you lying in the hospital bed, he noticed a tube attached to your mouth. The tube was connected to a ventilator, helping you breathe and providing the necessary oxygen to support your recovery.

The soft hum of the machine filled the room, a constant reminder of the critical role it played in keeping you stable. Lando's heart ached at the sight, knowing that you were relying on this lifeline for every breath.

It snaked its way from your mouth to the ventilator, securing your connection to the vital support system.

Lando couldn't help but feel a mix of gratitude and helplessness as he watched the gentle rise and fall of your chest, synchronized with the rhythmic breaths the machine facilitated.

"I'm so sorry, I should have known," Lando whispers to himself, his voice filled with regret. He pulls up a chair beside the bed and holds your hand tightly.

Lando gently brushed a strand of hair away from your face and whispered, "I promise I'll be here for you, every step of the way. We'll get through this together." . . . .

You regained consciousness shortly thereafter, but you were weak and disoriented. The room seemed unfamiliar, and it took a moment for your eyes to adjust to the bright lights. As you looked around, you saw Lando sitting beside you, his eyes filled with relief and concern.

He gently squeezed your hand and said, "You're awake. I've been so worried. How are you feeling?"

"How did I get here?" you slurred, your voice still groggy from the effects of the sedation.

Lando's face softened with a mixture of understanding and sadness as he explained, "You collapsed after the race, but don't worry, you're in the hospital now and the doctors are taking care of you."

As Lando spoke, fragments of memories began to flood back into your mind. You remembered the intense pressure building up inside you during the race, the struggle to breathe, and the overwhelming fatigue that consumed your body.

You looked at Lando, tears welling up in your eyes, and whispered, "I pushed myself too hard, didn't I?"

Lando's voice cracked with emotion as he replied, "You gave it everything you had. But now, the most important thing is that you focus on recovering. We'll figure out the rest together."

Before Lando could say anymore, a doctor came into the room looking serious. "I'm glad to see you awake," the doctor said, addressing you. "We need to talk about your condition and the next steps for your recovery."

The doctor's words hung in the air, and Lando's grip on your hand tightened as you braced yourself for the difficult conversation that was about to follow.

"From your tests, you have been heavily malnourished, causing you to collapse," the doctor stated, his voice filled with concern. "We will need to address your nutritional needs and closely monitor your progress. A team of specialists will be assigned to create a personalized recovery plan for you, focusing on restoring your strength and replenishing your body."

The doctor's words hit you like a punch to the gut. He explained that your collapse was a result of severe malnourishment, as your body had been deprived of essential nutrients for an extended period of time.

Tears streamed down your face as you realized the extent of the damage you had done to yourself, and Lando's eyes mirrored your pain as he vowed to support you in your recovery journey.

"Before I continue, is there any mental health condition that I should know about?" the doctor asked, his voice gentle and understanding. You paused for a moment, contemplating whether to disclose your struggles with your eating disorder.

You looked over at Lando, taking a deep breath before speaking. "Yes," you whispered, your voice barely audible.

"I've been battling an eating disorder for years."

Lando's expression softened even further as he gently squeezed your hand, silently assuring you that he would be there for you every step of the way.

The doctor nodded, his eyes full of empathy. "Thank you for sharing that with me," he said.

"It's important that we address both your physical and mental health in your recovery plan. I will make sure to involve the appropriate specialists who can provide the necessary support and guidance. Remember, you don't have to face this alone."

The doctor then excused himself from the room, leaving you, Lando and the unbelievable tension that hung in the air.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He finally asked after the uncomfortable silence took over the room.

You took a deep breath, gathering the strength to respond. "I didn't tell you because I was ashamed," you admitted, your voice trembling. "I felt like a burden, like I was letting you down. I didn't want you to see me as weak or broken."

You tried to apologize, explaining that your eating disorder was deeply rooted in your past and that you had struggled to overcome it.

You explained how it had started as a coping mechanism to deal with the pressures of being an F1 driver, but it had gradually taken over your life.

Lando's eyes softened as he reached out to wipe away a tear from your cheek. "You're not weak or broken," he said firmly.

"You're strong for sharing this with me. And I want you to know that I love you no matter what. We're in this together, and I'll do whatever it takes to support you in your recovery."

The weight on your shoulders began to lift as you realized that you didn't have to face this battle alone. In that moment, you knew that with Lando by your side, there was hope for healing and a brighter future ahead.

He had witnessed firsthand the toll that an eating disorder could take on this relationship, and he was determined to help you overcome it. Lando had seen how it strained communication, eroded trust, and created a sense of helplessness.

But he also believed in your strength and resilience, and he was committed to supporting you every step of the way.

He knew it would be a journey filled with ups and downs, but he was ready to face it together, knowing that love and understanding could make all the difference in your recovery. . . .

Lando had been worried about your well-being for months, even when you had been diligently treating your eating disorder. There were times when you would try to skip meals, but Lando always seemed to know.

One afternoon, Lando came home from work, eager to share his latest Quadrant video. He saw you sitting at the dinner table, eating slowly. Your hands trembled slightly as you struggled to swallow each bite.

Lando approached you cautiously, his heart heavy with concern. "Hey, beautiful," he said softly, placing a gentle hand on your shoulder. "How are you doing?"

You turned to look at him, your eyes filled with a mix of vulnerability and hope. "I'm okay," you replied, your voice barely above a whisper. "But Lando, I think I'm still struggling."

Lando nodded, understanding the pain behind your words. "I know, my love," he said, his voice full of empathy. "But you're doing so well. You've made so much progress."

You sighed, feeling a mix of frustration and despair. "I know," you said, your voice breaking. "But sometimes, it's still so hard. Sometimes, I just...I forget."

Lando leaned closer, his voice filled with reassurance. "I understand," he said, his eyes locked on yours. "But I'm here for you, every step of the way. And I promise, I'll never give up."

You smiled, grateful for his unwavering support. "Thank you, Lando," you said, your voice filled with emotion. "You always know what to say."

Lando leaned in closer, his voice barely above a whisper. "But you know what else?" he asked, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

You tilted your head, curious as to what he had in mind. "What's that?" you replied, your heart pounding with excitement.

Lando leaned in even closer, his lips almost touching yours. "I promised to give you a kiss once you finish your food," he whispered, his voice filled with anticipation.

You blushed, your heart racing. "You're going to keep that promise?" you asked, unable to hide the anticipation in your voice.

Lando nodded, his eyes sparkling with mischief. "I will," he promised, his voice filled with determination.

You turned back to your food, determined to finish what was on your plate. With each bite, you focused on the feeling of the fork in your hands, the rhythm of chewing, and the taste of the food on your tongue.

After what seemed like an eternity, you finally finished your last bite. You looked up at Lando, your eyes filled with a mix of relief and anticipation.

"Can I have the kiss now?" you asked, your voice barely above a whisper.

Lando smiled, his eyes filled with tenderness. "You have it, my love," he said, his voice filled with love. He leaned in, his lips softly landing on yours, a gentle kiss that spoke of his unwavering support and love.

As you pulled away, your eyes met his, filled with a mix of joy and gratitude. "Thank you," you said, your voice filled with emotion.

Lando leaned in again, his voice barely above a whisper. "You're welcome," he replied, his voice filled with warmth.

Suddenly, Lando grabbed you by the under your thighs and carried you up to his chest. You let out a gasp, but he quickly reassured you, "Don't worry, I've got you."

Your heart raced with surprise and excitement as you looked into his eyes. "What's gotten into you?" you asked, a hint of laughter in your voice.

Lando grinned mischievously, his eyes sparkling. "I just wanted to show you how much I appreciate you," he replied, his voice filled with adoration. "And maybe have a little fun while we're at it."

"Wow, you really know how to surprise me," you said, a playful smile on your face. Lando chuckled, his arms securely holding you.

"I thought a little spontaneity would spice things up," he replied, his voice filled with excitement.

You leaned in closer, your lips almost brushing against his ear. "Well, you certainly succeeded," you whispered, a mischievous tone in your voice.

Lando's eyes widened with anticipation as he listened to your whispered words. He leaned in closer, his voice filled with excitement. "Oh, I have plenty more surprises up my sleeve," he replied, a mischievous smile playing on his lips.

As Lando leaned in closer, his hunger for your lips evident in his gaze, you felt a surge of electricity between you.

With a swift movement, he closed the remaining distance and hungrily captured your lips in a passionate kiss, igniting a fire within you that burned with desire and anticipation.

Your lips were crushing together, devouring each other's with an insatiable hunger that left you breathless. The intensity of the kiss sent shivers down your spine, as if every nerve in your body was on fire.

It was a kiss that spoke volumes of the raw passion and desire that existed between you, leaving you both craving for more.

Lando pressed you against the wall, his body flush against yours, intensifying the heat and desire between you. The rough texture of the wall against your back only heightened the sensations as his lips continued to explore yours, leaving you both lost in a world of passion and longing.

Your skin tingles with heat as Lando's lips trail down your neck, leaving a trail of fiery kisses in their wake.

Every touch sends a jolt of electricity through your body, making you feel alive and consumed by the intensity of the moment.

The warmth spreads from your lips to the rest of your body, as if a fire has been ignited within you, melting away any inhibitions and leaving you completely lost in the passionate embrace.

"Let's go to the bedroom," Lando whispered in your ear, his voice filled with desire. The words sent a thrill through your body, fueling the fire of anticipation that had been building between you.

Without breaking the kiss, Lando effortlessly scooped you up into his arms, carrying you with ease as he navigated towards your shared bedroom. The anticipation and desire in the air were palpable as he laid you gently on the bed, his eyes locked with yours, promising a night of passion and fulfillment. . . .

Your love story may not have been an easy one, but it is a testament to the power of love and the resilience of the human spirit.

Your eating disorder may have threatened to destroy your relationship, but in the end, it served as a catalyst for growth and a deeper understanding between you two. . . .

[notmorbid]

my friends.

dialogue prompts from my friends: a novel by hisham matar.

no one is more capable of falsities than those who wish never to part ways.

you'll visit, won't you?

it takes a great deal of practice to learn how to live.

there are comforting illusions to being alone.

at times, a work of the imagination is more pertinent than facts.

it is almost always best to leave things be.

most problems have a habit of resolving themselves.

stop trying to sound poetic. put it plainly.

no one dies before their time.

don't be lured in.

my chief motive is to enjoy myself.

i can already tell what kind of a person you are.

are you sure no one else is here?

keep calm and don't get involved.

faces complicate things.

do i need anything? i would like my life back.

receiving charity is like having the air sucked out of you.

the genius of rumors is that they can coexist with the truth.

it is a mercy that we are made to tire at the end of each day.

do you know what you need right now?

make sure you memorize my number.

don't you think you should call your parents?

what does it matter what people think?

nothing is changed by slogans. the truest opinions are never uttered.

what better political commitment is there than remaining?

i hope you know how grateful i am.

do you still believe i have a bright future?

i refuse to regret my actions.

do you have friends? i mean, real friends?

it is dependence that a sane mind should seek: to depend on others, and to be dependable.

all kids make mistakes.

everything in this world leaves a trace.

i only pretended to be brave.

where is your favorite place?

fuck them. i'm not afraid.

be careful. they suspect you.

i don't get what you want. what drives you.

it's good to finally talk about it.

i'm so sorry. i'm sorry for all that has happened to you.

why go and ruin your future like that?

i'd pack you, too, if i could.

you have no idea how much i love you.

isn't it terrible how life just keeps on?

to be incorruptible is to also be unchangeable.

don't worry, my love. time passes.

i can feel you thinking.

i want you to be with me, but i want you to really be with me.

love is a place of rest.

no one knows. i just couldn't bear it.

please. let's not play games.

it is much harder to destroy someone you know.

i have always tried to be honest. with myself, if not with others.

there is nothing more dangerous than a man who does not know what he is doing, a man who does not know his own mind.

you cannot be two people at once.

talent alone isn't enough: courage is also required.

i worried about coming back, but i'm really finding myself here again.

outrage is a great camouflage.

i have felt, for a long time, that something terrible is going to happen.

life is for the living.

it is a myth, that you can return.

i don't understand you. you just carry on as though nothing has happened.

what will happen will happen, with me or without me.

i didn't think you would actually do it.

sometimes to move forward, you have to move back.

love is as much a miracle as it is an education.

the point of this life is not to be good or wise, but to be human.

there's no salvation in war: if anything, it's the opposite.

a revolution requires a great deal of imagination.

[unlovedanchor]

ASKING THEMSELVES WHAT LIES BEYOND, BEYOND, BEYOND.

a sentence prompt based off of the crane wives 2024 album, " beyond beyond beyond ". dark themes present, please adjust as needed.

SCARS.

i'm not the person that i thought i was.

i couldn't tell you where the ache came from.

it's raining in my head and i don't know why.

it's raining in my head nearly all the time.

all the love, all the kindness, all your best-laid plans couldn't stop me from becoming the way that i am.

all your best laid plans couldn't stop me from becoming the way that i am.

you toiled on a bridge to cross the gap inside but i couldn't help you build it and i don't know why.

you toiled on a bridge to cross the gap inside.

i couldn't help you build it, and i don't know why.

no, i couldn't let you build it, but god knows you tried.

i couldn't let you build it.

god knows you tried.

was i born with a hole in my heart?

tell me it’s inevitable that i’d end up with scars.

tell me it's inevitable.

i'm trying to come to terms with what you've done.

i'm tryng to come to terms with what you've done in the fumes of your anguish.

oh, my blistering pride.

the fumes of your anguish and my blistering pride.

i’m still burning like a tire fire deep down inside.

i'm burning like a tire fire and i don't know why.

we were always meant to fall apart.

nothing could have been done, is that right?

yeah, we were fucked from the start.

tell me it’s inevitable that i’d end up with scars from falling down.

BITTER MEDICINE.

someone take my keys, i'm in no shape for driving.

i'll sleep anywhere.

are you ashamed of me?

or did you buy what im selling?

it won't last you long.

i bite my tongue to keep the worst of words in.

they don't hurt nobody but me.

swallow the poison i wanna spit, i think it's making me sick.

don't look up to me, i'm not as tall as you think.

you see, i talk a big game but it's bullshit.

somebody clean me up.

it's a mess that i'm making.

pain is weak, but it spreads anyway.

is it a gift you give or something precious i'm taking?

HIGHER GROUND.

from where i'm standing i can't get a line of sight.

from where i'm standing i can't get a line of sight on the future.

should i head for higher ground?

it's out of my hands.

i gave up the truth and i can't take it back.

i can feel the earth shaking underneath me.

i'm afraid of what i'll find in the rubble when it's done.

i didn't wanna hurt anyone.

PREDATOR.

what's the worst thing that could happen?

what's the worst thing you can imagine?

the world is a nasty place.

i'm afraid to get comfortable.

my head is a nasty place.

what were you thinking? shouldn't you know better?

you opened the door for an apex predator.

i keep forgetting the lessons i've learned.

your heart is a nasty place.

i'm afraid to say no to you.

keep your lies and denial.

i am fighting for survival.

my heart is a changing shape.

what if i said no to you?

you took advantage of another anxious people-pleaser.

SAY IT.

did the real me corrupt the fantasy?

did i spoil the view?

the buildup is always better than getting what you want.

did i disappoint you?

say it, if it's over.

say it, so i can move forward.

please don't leave me in the dark.

i'm haunted by your tenderness.

you gave me a nice soft place to land.

you showed me what i'd been hiding from for years.

was that just sleight of hand?

speak the words, and i will move on.

you know i'm loyal to a fault.

i will sit here waiting for the axe to fall.

if you could, would you erase me?

if we were to meet as strangers again, would you refuse to meet my eye?

would you let me pass you by?

speak the words and i will be gone.

say it, if it's done.

i will sit here waiting.

MAD DOG.

pace yourself.

you've got a long way to go before you get to lay down.

you're stuffing coins in your mouth, hoping happiness will fall out.

i've been blind to the shortcuts.

i'm stuck on the tracks, and losing my way home.

i keep looking for the end of the tunnel, it never seems to get any closer.

who's gonna keep the lights on? who's gonna make it rain?

like a mad dog after rabbit.

i keep running.

i don't feel like it gets me anywhere.

you know the kickback is automatic.

knocking me down to the bottom and keeping me there.

brace yourself.

you're gonna drag that rock around the rest of your life.

you're dancing on a edge of a knife.

you're hoping someone else will decide.

we both know the ship is gonna sink.

i keep reaching for the shore, it never seems to get any closer.

ARCTURUS BEAMING.

i thank these walls.

my hideaway to worship the pain.

i never thought i'd leave the cave.

i'm more curious than afraid.

stacking layers like sediment, each one adding weight and compression.

i am tired of forming a cliff face inside of my chest.

my ribs ache from carrying it around.

i'm grieving all that i gave up.

do you wonder who's looking back?

another life-form on some undiscovered planet, a mirror image of us here.

what exists beyond?

TIME WILL CHANGE YOU.

something hurts, something aches.

something bends until it breaks.

it's only time that tortures you.

planting hearts in a grave, pray they grow after it rains.

someday, time will change you.

you'll leave behind what doesn't move.

time will change you.

we all outgrow our roots.

ain't that the way it always goes?

some of us float and some of us sink to the bottom.

just relax and believe that this will pass.

give me a chance to get this right.

i'm learning how to let go.

BLACK HOLE FANTASY.

aren't you tired of going through the motions?

is the daily grind supposed to dull the mind?

i see a window somewhere closing.

if love is just a chemical reaction, is there a pill to take?

is there something to quell this ache?

is this the real thing or a distraction?

is this worth the risk?

the weeks blur together.

i keep trying to ignore, but it's growing.

i'm on the way to your house.

i can't wait anymore.

i'm standing on your porch.

my knuckles hesitate an inch away from the door.

what happens when it opens?

even in my fantasy, i can't commit.

i'm afraid of what i want.

i keep the car running in case i need to take off.

i watch the ceiling buckle.

it's killing me i cannot see what's making her laugh.

let's try this again.

you pull me into your arms and i can feel your heart pounding.

RED CLAY.

today i woke up from a dream.

i was clawing my up a red clay mountain.

questioned myself: why keep going?

over my shoulder were towering trees, their rustling branches summoning me.

to a parallel trail, one not so steep, offering shelter.

we don't have to do it the hard way.

i take a deep breath and turn to be brave.

harvest the fruits of being afraid.

RIVER RUSHING.

not waiting one moment more.

tonight the dam will fall.

i'm changing, kick down that door.

kick down that door.

the pressure has been crushing.

it's time to free the river rushing.

i crave the freedom of relief.

only one way out, it's through.

my wild heart is buried underneath.

i know i can't grow beneath a story told.

whenever you're ready.

a battle cry is trapped between my teeth.

[sunnetrolls]

Indefinite semi-hiatus

Hi guys! Long time, no... anything from me ever, huh?

Please read as much of this post as you're able. I know it's long, but I bring up some important things towards the end.

I've been thinking lately about the balance I try and strike between my IRL workload and how I spend my free time and I've come to the conclusion that it's unrealistic for me to pretend like this blog is fully active in the way many of my friends' blogs are. Stemming from that, it's just not realistic for me to expect my once-a-month art posts and occasional whims to play with my OCs to get the same reception as others who actually contribute as much as they ask for to the community setting.

I want to make it official and clear that I'm probably not going to be reaching out to others to make new plots or doing large developments within existing plots until I have more time, motivation, and confidence to dedicate to my creative spaces. This doesn't mean I want to break off my existing plots, but if anyone else wants to do that because I've officially called whatever limbo state I'm in a hiatus, I fully understand and all I ask is that you reach out and let me know.

This partially stems from my real life obligations leaving me too tired to properly engage with the rest of the community and a long-building sense of alienation as a result of that lack of engagement. To put it simply, I feel that my contributions are less wanted because they come with the expectation that I won't be available to talk for much of the day and won't have energy to write or draw when I am available. Which I understand--it's not fun to plot with someone who can't match your energy.

On top of that, there is the ever-present but mostly un-addressed aspect of poor communication. Over the past few years, I have been working to improve myself with respect to how I engage with others to move away from people-pleasing so I can cultivate more self-respect and valuation, especially regarding the things that I make and share with others. However, this relies on the assumption that when I overstep a boundary or make someone uncomfortable, whether that's through being too assertive or getting caught up in excitement and missing important social cues, the person upset by my behavior will inform me that what I did was upsetting so that I can better mind that boundary in the future.

I've since realized that I cannot rely on this to happen, leading me to decide that this may just not be a good space for me at this period in my life.

If anyone reading this has felt like they've been talked over by me, had plots railroaded in the direction I want without regard for your wants, or generally been put off by how I engage with shared storytelling, all I can ask is that you please tell me. I promise that I do not set out to hurt people, and if you are hurt by my actions, it was not done with malice in my heart and I want to behave differently to not hurt you, but if there is no indication that my actions are hurtful then I don't understand how I'm meant to reflect and correct my behavior.

Everyone is always welcome to tell me they don't want plots to happen a certain way, or that they disagree with how I think things should happen. Encouraged, even, because I think that's how collaborative storytelling should work, and it's been deeply unsettling to learn that others may not be comfortable engaging with me like this.

I hope this announcement doesn't disappoint anyone. Please please please reach out to me if you want to change or break plots or talk about how I've hurt you in the past so we all can move forward with less discomfort and animosity.

Thank you all for having fun with me for so long. I hope I'll be able to come back to this space with a better mindset soon.

[aphroditelovesu]

Hii! This is anonymous for privacy reasons but I have a problem. I am a 15yo girl, I am gonna have a realy important exam this sunmer that will decide my entire future yet I only got 84% on the simulation from last month and I need to get at least over 93% on the actual exam at the end of the month or my life is screwed(I hate my school system). I have 0 motivation to study and ik I really need to but whenever I try to force mynself to actually study I just end up crying bc I feel like a failure. Also, I am bi and since my parents are conservative christians and EXTREAMLY homophobic they will deffinetly kick me out of the house if I came out to them and I think one of my friends who I belive might have found out about my sexuality will tell my parents(I also went thro a rough time due to bullying and told her about my suicidal toughts and she told everybody about it, teachers, parents, classmates and made fun of me). My country is one of the most homophobic ones.I feel like if I get a good mark on the exam I would be able to come out to my parents(maybe) without them killing me but idk how to make sure of either of thores things. I have worked this whole year yet nothing is enough to actually make me understand better. I am so tired rn and I cant stop crying, do you have any advise for me, please?

Hi!!

Well, I didn't expect to receive something like that, but I'll try to give my advice.

Regarding the exam, what I can tell you is not to give up and try to find a study system that helps you. I understand this because in November I have a very important government exam to take and I need to get a high score too. This will be my first year doing it (and I hope it will be my last) and I haven't started studying yet because I have classes in the morning and at night, which means I don't have much time left.

From what you say, you seem to be stressed about all this, so studying is more complicated. What I can tell you is to try to find a place where you feel comfortable and find a study method that helps you. Studying is tiring and we often don't have motivation, I know, but it's necessary and remember that knowledge is something that no one can take away from you.

Since you live with your parents, there isn't much you can do about your "friend" issue. No one has the right to force someone to come out of the closet and that is very wrong. You could try talking to her, to make sure she doesn't say it until you're ready to say it. Unfortunately, this is out of your control, as it will depend on whether your "friend" is a decent person and lets you talk when you're ready.

Having homophobic parents is a complicated thing and I feel for you, especially when it involves religion. The question is: do you want to tell them you're bi? Do you think you're ready for this? If the answer is no, don't tell them until you want to. It's important to feel prepared.

I'm sorry about the bullying issue. I know how difficult it is, I dealt with it myself from the age of 8 until I was 16 but I had support from my family and friends. If not even your teachers are willing to help you, perhaps you should seek outside help. I don't know how it works in other countries, but here, if the school refuses to help, you can file a police report. Bullying is a crime, anon.

And remember to take care of yourself and put yourself first. I know it's difficult and it seems like the end of the world, but it's not. Things will get better, anon, even if it seems like they won't, they will. Have strength and focus on what is important to you now.

I can't be of much help, unfortunately, but I really hope things get better for you and that you get the grade you want! ���

[fangsup-cobrastyle]

Songs on my burnout playlist and why I added them

for reference I've struggled for like a year with knowing I have to leave this place cause I love my coworkers and the animals I work with and care about them probably too much

Pierce the Veil - "Emergency Contact" "There's no greater vengeance than learning to enjoy again / Hope you get the message, nobody's shatter-resistant" "Leave me something / Or let me out, I'm starving" "Waiting for the start of / Things that I want, this happily-ever-after / You choke on your words, but you swallow them faster"

My Chemical Romance - "This Is the Best Day Ever" Literally every line of the entire song but especially... "They stared us down when we met in the emergency room" "Every hour / On the hour / They drew blood" "Well, I felt I couldn't take / Another day inside this place / From silent dreams we never wake" "Well, I thought I heard you say 'I like you / We can get out / We don't have to stay / Stay inside this place'" "You left my heart an open wound / And I love you for..."

Fall Out Boy - "Heartbreak Feels So Good" "Is there a word for bad miracle?" "Nobody said the road was endless / Nobody said the climb was friendless / But could we please pretend this won't end?" "We could cry a little, cry a lot... We'll cry later or cry now, but baby / Heartbreak feels so good"

Fall Out Boy - "Fake Out" "Remember us just like this forever / But this can't last, won't last / So make no plans, and none can be broken" "Do you laugh about me whenever I leave? / Or do I just need more therapy?" "Love is in the air / I just gotta figure out a window to break out / Buried alive inside my dreams / But it was all a fake out" "My mood board is just pictures of you / But I'm not sad anymore" "We all started off as shiny dimes / But we all got flipped too many times / We did it for futures that never came / And for pasts that we're never gonna change"

Fall Out Boy - "So Much (For) Stardust" "I feel like something that's been stretched out over and over again / Until I'm creased, and I'm about to break down the middle" "The stars are the same as ever / But I don't have the guts to keep it together / Stuck in the permafrost" "Ache it till you make it" "I think I've been going through it / I've been putting your name to it" "In another life / You were the sunshine of my lifetime / What would you trade the pain for? / I'm not sure" "I used to be a real go-getter / I used to think it'd all get better"

Cavetown - "This Is Home" "Are you tired of me yet? / I'm a little sick right now, but I swear / When I'm ready, I will fly us out of here" "I'll figure out a way to get us out of here" "Turn off your porcelain face / I can't really think right now in this place" "Are you dead? / Sometimes I think I'm dead" "Time is / Slowly / Tracing his face / But strangely, he feels at home in this place"

ILLENIUM & Jon Bellion - "Good Things Fall Apart" "Is it you? Is it me? / Did you find somebody better / Someone who isn't me / 'Cause I know that I was never your type" "Tell me what you hate about me / Whatever it is, I'm sorry / I know I can be dramatic / But everybody said we had it" "Coming to terms with a broken heart / I guess that sometimes, good things fall apart"

My Chemical Romance - "Fake Your Death" "But even lights can fade away" "'Cause even heroes get the blues / Or any misery you choose / You like to watch, we like to use / And we were born to lose" "I choose defeat, I walk away / And leave this place the same today" "Just look at all that pain" "You want the heart or to be saved / But even good guys still get paid" "So fake your death, erase your blame / And leave the lights on when you stay" "Come on and feel that shame"

[loveyourlovelysoul]

You don’t have to answer this but how long have you been trying to heal yourself maybe it’ll help me not feel so alone in my journey

Hey! I will answer you ofc, I don't have anything to hide. But... (I may be using "you" as a general you/y'all next)

First of all, I want you to keep in mind that there's not a fixed time-frame when it comes to healing, nor there's an age in which we do that. It's not like school and you need to start and end it in a certain amount of years/at a certain age to be considered "right" and "on time". There's not such a thing here. It takes the time you need as your own person: it depends on each one of us and our stories and how we deal with our feelings about our past in our present. And how it all reflects on our future (and anxieties about it). Honestly, it reasonably can take A LOT to reach a kinda mentally stable point, if you take a look at all this. I mean, it's BIG. You don't have to feel less or guilty if according to you it's taking you more than you thought or that you're supposed to. It's okay: also because the more you feel like you're needing to rush things or get to an end (I know it's painful but please hang in there and keep being patient cause it's gonna end, I promise you), or you feel inferior to others as they seem in a better position than you (you don't know their story nor when they started/how anyway, so please do not compare: surely there's someone who is feeling the same as you or about you even), the more stressed you'll be and the longer the process will take. The more we try to close chapters fastly with our past, to say "Okay I'm done here, next one", the more we'll find new triggers about the "same old thing"TM. And it's okay: to really understand, accept and realize what we went through, takes a lot of time and patience. It's not something we can learn and close over night. When it comes to our feelings it's never so. We may be spending, for example, months over a friend that moved on and suddenly disappeared from our life, pretending we didn't care (but the more we pretend and tell ourselves we don't care, the more it stays in our mind and heart), and that's okay: it means we need to realize something about that connection that we cannot accept and probably it's not just how it ended, but also something related to how it was, how we felt both on good days and bad days while we were in that friendship... and maybe move on to other relationships in our life, starting from the one with our parents and our classmates, other friends, colleagues, crushes, partners... What's the main issue there and how it moves inside of us? Feelings are complex, they also rot inside of us for years and years and grow with us, get mixed up with new ones, similar ones, different ones... it's crazy. But it's how it is. We cannot stop growing or making experiences before healing. We keep living also while healing (we have to). And we cannot start healing if we don't feel the need to.

And it's not an easy job to heal and also healing doesn't mean not being triggered anymore and being all good and great all the time: it means you start learning how to recognize your triggers and let them control you everyday a little less. Even on those days in which those stressing emotions will still get to you, you won't try to fight them but accept that those are just days as others, and they will pass too. You simply accept that you're tired/overwhelmed for any reason and that you can control your mind and decide what's best for you, so you take care of you, and try to be more compassionate and patient, and maybe take a break without feeling guilty. You're more open about your needs and find ways to meet them. And you know you can afford your trigger another time, you can talk with your mind, you feel more and more balanced. Life will always be made of positive and negative. It's how it is. And taking time to accept both of its sides and don't let the negative take over us and make us fall, is the thing we need to keep doing first and foremost. Also inside of us: we too are made both of bright and dark parts, and the dark parts need as much love too as they'r egenerally the hurt and scared parts of us. And taking them out of the dark is not easy, it takes time and gentleness, as with a scared child. It also takes the right moment for both.

Now, I've wrote a lot already so let me answer you :) I've always been someone who tries to understand more of herself and people and life in general, but if I have to say a time in which I told myself "Okay something is pretty wrong here, I do not deserve that and I definitely need to know more of what's behind all of it" I think it's around 2.5-3 years ago. Especially around 2 years ago after a bunch of big tough events in my life. The heavy healing part started there I think.

Anyway pelase do not feel alone. Here it's plenty of people healing, many have been through that for long, even longer than me probably. And even if it feels scary and this idea may make you want to give up, please don't. Keep doing it with patience, balancing healing with your life the best you can (you need time outs from it and talking with people, enjoying too), and I promise it will get faster and even occasionally easier. And it will get slowly better for sure. You'll notice it once you'll start reaching a more balanced emotional situation, but for now, endure through the storm as it will end. I'm here if you need support!

Take care<3

[thekillingjoke-haha]

My Test Prompts List:

Write for these fandoms ×Marvel. ×DCU. ×Supernatural.×The Orginals ×The Boys ×Gotham. ×The Kingsmen ×Slashers. ×The Walking dead ×Znation xShameless ×Lucifer

Write for xFemale!Reader xMale!Reader xGender Neutral!Reader xTrans!Reader

This can be romantic,platonic,or parental pairings,but I won't mix parental with smut.

Trying something new~

Fluff: ◇

1- "I've never thought I could be happier then the day we met,but you keep surprising me."

2- "Can I hug you? Sorry if that seems random it's just like you need a hug and I don't want to brag,but I'm a great hugger."

3- "I'm not babying you. I'm showing you affection. There's a difference, so don't deny my love."

4- "You remember that movie Happy Feet? Our love songs seemed so different yet fit together perfectly."

5- "Get your ass in some comfy clothes and sit down to watch this movie cause I'm tired of being the only cultured individual in this house."

6- "Dear Santa, I really need someone to be my friend. Maybe send me an angel. The nicest angel you have..."

Smut:♡

1- "For the love fuck if this man doesn't whimper my life has been built on a lie."

2- "How did that saying go. Lady in the streets freak in the sheets? Well I can be a freak anywhere a couch,a counter,a wall my freakyness has no bounds."

3- "This might sound crazy but can I bend you over this table? I just want to see how stable it is for later."

5- "Are you serious?!...I save dick by giving it CPR!"

6- "Well today is my birthday and you did say I could have whatever I want so...where's your wrapping paper?"

Angst:♤

1- "Every day, I wake up hoping to whatever is out there that today will be that last. But only the good die young and we've been pretty fucking bad."

2- "I miss when love was the only thing I could feel for you. I miss smiling at the thought of our future. Now I feel nothing at all."

3- "I'm a monster. A monster that you created! You wanted me to be something I wasn't and when that didn't work you broke me. So I'll break you!"

4- "I dont know what to tell you. You knew from the beginning that I couldn't love you. You knew, and yet you stayed in this fantasy."

5- "Don't take that tone with me! You never cared about me, so don't suddenly show up preaching love thy neighbor when you couldn't even look at me!!"

6- "I'm sorry, who are you? Ah, the absent... no wonders there, no memory."

Neutral: ♧

1- "On one hand, I can slap you on the other. I can hug you...If you don't start explaining, both hands can strangle you."

2- "Wow, you've gotten big. NO! I don't mean fat. you're not fat! I meant you've grown up so much since last time I saw you."

3- "Stop licking your lips. Cause every time you do it means your thinking of an excuse. You are quite literally marinating your lies."

4- "I'm not about to do that. Best two out of three and don't get cocky like last time."

5- "Can we leave yet if I'm forced to walk these one more time I'll start singing those songs you hate."

A/N

Will write for many things. In a request, please pick Prompt,Character(from listed fandoms),and reader orientation.

Will add more,but I want to get rid of what's here to see if it clears my writers block.

Just a heads up if you pick a prompt please tell me if you want like additional fluff, angst,smut because if you pick one it will only be that one (I'm known for not making that clear if a fic is smut it will be start to finish and if its angst no joy will be in sight) .

Like Angst prompt+fluff ending or Smut prompt+angst beginning.

[magicalslug]

so like WHATEVER, WHO CARES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO WHAT IF I LOST THE WILL TO LIVE

WHO CARES!!!!!!! I'M HAVING A FABULOUS TIME ANYWAY

I've lost myself to impulsive purchases and overeating and refusing myself the need to cry

WHO CARES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Went to a therapist for 2 months and you know what happened?!?!? SHE DIDN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY TRAUMA

THEN BLAMED MEEEEEEEEEE FOR NOT OPENING UP FOR HER

FUCK1}}}}}}}}}}}

SHE DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO QUESTION ME ABOUT IT

"Well you see, we don't seek to revictimize people" WELL HOW ABOUT YOU ASK QUESTIONS AND BACK OFF WHEN I TELL YOU I DON'T WANNA ANSWER SOME THINGS. HOW ABOUT YOU TRY TO GET ME TO TALK!!!!!!! HOW ABOUT YOU MAKE ME FEEL COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO TALK!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm blaming her because

It hurts

It hurts to once more realize I'm the one in the wrong.

I went to the therapist. And at first I was like "can we talk about my trauma. can we please explore my childhood trauma that has root in the horrific abuse i suffered/suffer actively even now"

And she was like

"well first we need to focus on your present, not stay stuck in your past" FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WANNA TALK ABOUT IT IM FUCKING TIRED OF BEING SILENT ABOUT IT I AM BROKEN AND I WAS HURT AND I AM HURT AND I WILL NEVER BE A WHOLE PERSON EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LACK SOMETHING OTHER PEOPLE HAVE AND I DONT KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!!!!!!! EXCEPT I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT!!!!!!!!!! IT WAS TAKEN FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!

HOW ABOUT YOU SIT DOWN AND LISTEN TO ME!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway.

She didn't make it a secret that she kinda avoided talking about my childhood trauma because she wasn't an expert in it and she had to investigate more. to deal with my trauma.

Except that for most of my sessions she would suggest an exercise. And I would go "I don't think it's working for me, this whole "talk to the inner child" thing. Because I don't manage to get into this make believe space. I can't even separate the inner child from who i am now. It's me. It's always just been me. It feels like I'm fooling myself"

and she would go "well how about u try at home anyway :)"

And like i get it. She didn't know how to handle my trauma.

But the exercises were so. Basic? The exercises made to know yourself.

I know myself. I know exactly what's wrong with me, and to a degree, how to fix them. But also I'm too inside my head and I'm anxious AND I DON'T WANNA BE MEDICATED!!!!!!!!! IM SCARED OF IT!!!!!!!!!!! THE PILLS WILL KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(No, they won't. I'm just scared of becoming dependent or being unable to afford them in the future. Also, why bother with medicine when the issue at hand is just my abusive environment and not... Not really my mental illness. Like, don't get me wrong, it is an issue.)

(But when I was far away from here, I was stable and happy and flourished)

(and now i just actively think about. That. so much)

Also.

Also. well SHE never tried to get me to talk about my trauma. I guess in words, i'd say she didn't make a space for me to be able to talk about it?

And then my sessions ended.

And I told her, as feedback, "hey i feel like i was never given the space to explore my childhood trauma, to be able to openly talk about it, and that just made me feel like my worst fears were true: that what happened to me was too shameful and horrific that no one wants to hear it. that i'm tainted and don't deserve to speak about it"

And then she kinda chastised me for never opening up to her because i never asked to talk about it.

I just.

I had to sit there and take it and nod and pretend I didn't want to yell and scream that I'M TOO POWERLESS, TOO WEAK. I need the permission. I need the permission to talk about it. IM CURSED IM CURSED AND I NEED THE PERMISSION, LIKE SOMEONE THAT ONLY KNOWS HOW TO FOLLOW ORDERS. I HATE IT I HATE IT I AM SO USED TO BE CONTROLLED AND SILENCED, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ELSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So i just nodded and went "yeah okay." and shut up for 20 minutes while she wrote notes on her file silently.

Anyway.

Therapy wasn't great.

Not... Not what I hoped?

Between the previous "someone saying they loved me for months only to turn out it was all a joke" incident and this i just

what the fuck, hm?

So what are we playing at??

Just.

Worst nightmares made real and now what? what am i fucking left with???

Lessons learned:

I'm unlovable and there's something inherently wrong with me which makes me unlovable, and it's something everyone can see and I can never truly understand

It's true, I'm too broken, and I am beyond fixing, and I will never be able to change. In fact, my problems are so big that even professionals won't touch them with a ten mile pole. Shit life syndrome, probably.

Was I a bad patient? Probably.

I was bad. I was bad. I was bad. I didn't try hard enough with the exercises.

I didn't wanna talk to the inner child.

she kept saying "you're such a strong woman, this is why you've survived"

i hate that

i hated hearing that so much

I'M NOT A FUCKING WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I AM WEAK. I AM PATHETIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND IM NOT A FUCKING WOMAN!!!!!!!!

she said it each time

"Your inner child has been saved each time by you, because you've been such a strong woman that has been strong all along!" FUCKING, GENERIC, DIALOGUE.

you say this TO EVERYONE!!!!!!! THEY SAY THIS TO EVERY SURVIVOR!!!!!!

AND IM NOT STRONG, IM WEAK AND I WANT TO []

IM NOT A WOMAN!!!!!!! THAT'S

THAT'S INHERENTLY PART OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

I EXPERIENCE STRONG DYSPHORIA AND I DON'T LIKE MYSELF!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!!!!!!!! THEY TOOK A PART OF ME AND NOW I WILL FOREVER BE INCOMPLETE AND THIS MAKES ME NOT A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WILL NEVER BE A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!! I WILL NEVER BE A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T BE A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm

I'm barely even a person anymore.

...

...

I'm being so mean. whatever.

I told her I wrote a lot about my feelings, that it was one of the few outlets i had to express myself and vent about my worst moments.

She just acknowledged it in a "well that's good, it's nice you have that" and we never spoke of it ever again.

didn't ask to know more about it.

And.

I don't know what I expected.

I guess hollywood truly rots your brain.

I expected a therapist that would ask me questions, and by asking questions would force me to finally verbalize these things I keep inside myself.

I was ready to answer questions.

Instead she just. talked and talked and occasionally asked me surface things. Which is fair i guess.

Make no mistake, she also didn't make it a secret that apparently she wasn't given enough resources to treat her patients. Like, it was kinda raggedy in the sense that she couldn't even get the printer to work most of the time because she had 2 pesos and a dream as budget.

Anyway.

That ended.

And she went "I wanna thank you because I learned so much from this experience"

Fucking hell. Shut the hell up. You didn't even learn I wasn't a woman.

Fuck, we didn't even get to mention I was gay.

She didn't learn shit from me.

So that hurt.

It felt like a last slap to the face.

I'm glad i was a cute little failed experiment.

But what did i fucking get from this???? I got to go home to cry because no one will come to save me????

And I'm truly, so so truly, alone?

I know. I know it was my fault. I had too high expectations. Perhaps I didn't give it my all.

But im so fucking depressed that doing most things made me feel so tired.

I don't wanna talk to my inner child. Because they're dead. They killed it, they killed it and something broken and weird took their place.

And that is who I am today.

And my thoughts? My written thoughts are all sad and violent and alarming. Disgusting.

And...

And i'm so tired all the time that I couldn't even watch the movies she recommended in full. Had to watch resumes. Because where would i get the time?

It's my fault this didn't work.

It's my fault.

"You have to let go of your guilt" I DONT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED, I FEEL RAGE!!!!!!!! I FEEL RAGE!!!!!!!!!!! I KNOW IM NOT FUCKING GUILTY!!!!!!!!!! BUT NOW IM THE ONLY ONE LEFT FEELING DIRTY AND GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is that guilt? Is that guilt? Or just an understandable reaction given how life has treated me like i'm a gross freak?

And make no mistake

I am a gross freak

But i feel that's secondary from how life has treated me. Society i guess.

I'm barely a person, I'm more vermin than anything.

I will never be anything more than this.

And i hate my job.

i hate it.

..

...

A guy killed himself, a guy i worked with once. We weren't even close.

But we talked, a few times. Briefly.

He was friendly.

Anyway. That was a week ago.

The company didn't even really acknowledge it in a "we're sorry about our dear teammate" way.

Nothing. Crickets. And I'm expected to deal with the questions my team members have about it because I'm the team lead.

I'm expected to deal with it. Even though now i can't stop thinking.

This fucking company that i hate. Will not even say my name. When I die for it.

This job will kill me and no one will ever care about it.

....

....

I miss my friends. I can't even talk to them nowadays because I'm so busy and so tired,

I don't know why i even bother. with it all.

It makes no sense to me anymore.

The money is good. The money is good.

But i keep buying stupid shit i don't need.

Because I'm looking for a reason to stay working there.

Even though it makes me miserable.

...

I keep applying to things. And they won't reply.

I'm over qualified for the things I apply to.

They won't call me.

they won't call me.

....

I miss my friends.

I miss not being wholly depressed. I miss when i was managing it. I miss when i thought i was... able to Control it.

Not like now.

....

...

A guy I barely knew killed himself and I can't stop thinking about it.

A girl I work with said "He was tired. Now I'm glad he's not suffering anymore"

I don't wanna suffer anymore.

....

...

..

I need to quit. I'm too miserable where i am and frankly, i don't know what i'm aiming for by staying at that job.

My senior manager gives us advice like "when you get to my position--" and i check out.

Because i don't want his role. his job seems even more miserable.

So like. what am i doing there, if i don't even care to grow and frankly i'm only there for the paycheck.

The office could burn and i would not care at all.

....

I'm tired, and I'm frustrated, and I'm sad.

But...

But I will not give up so easily on life.

There's art i want to make.

There's things I want to write.

I wanna make art.

Love never saved anybody. Art never saved anybody.

But I wanna make art.

Because it's the only thing that makes sense to me anymore.

The only thing that gives my life meaning.

.....

I will quit soon.

I'm not afraid of the backlash.

Because nothing will be as horrible as getting up everyday and feeling like an empty husk, being puppeteered around by inertia.

...

I will quit soon.

I will quit soon.

I'm afraid.

I'm weak.

But even a weak thing like me, a coward like me, can hit the bricks.

You can quit.

You're allowed to quit!!!

You're allowed to be a failure!!!

It's not the worst thing!!!!

And

And you can always move forward

It's never too late for that

(But it will be too late if you don't escape) (I know you want to escape from it all)

(But small steps. yeah?)

(It's okay, i'll love you anyway)

(As long as you're happy, I'll love you)

(no matter what, I'll love you)

[robertsbarbie]

What's your favourite lyrics from Halsey? 🪩

–mpn secret santa <3

This is gonna be such a mentally ill answer so bare with me 😭 cause I'm gonna go through the albums

*bold lyrics are lyrics from my fave songs*

Badlands:

"all we do is drive, all we do is think about the feelings that we hide"// "don't belong to no city, don't belong to no man"// "we'll be looking for sunlight, or the headlights until our wide eyes burn blind"// "saying that i love him, but i know i'm gonna leave him"// "i found the savior. i don't think he remembers, cause he's off to pay his crimes and he's got no time for mine"// "i tried to wash you away, but you just won't leave"

HFK:

"now im constantly reminded of the time i was 19" // "crimson headache, aching blush" // "baby as soon as you meet me, you'll wish that you never did" // "i can sometimes treat the people that i love like jewelry" // "someone will love you, but someone isn't me" // "my ignorance has struck again, i failed to see it from the start and tore you open til the end" // "all im saying is if you don't love me no more than lie" // "i flew too closely to the sun that's setting in the east" // "i hope hopeless changes over time"

Manic:

"i'm so commited to an old ghost town, is it really that strange if i always want to change?" // "it's a muscle but it's still not strong enough to carry the weight of the choices i've made" // "i can force a future like it's nothing" // "i know that it's unfair of me to make a memory out of a feeling" // "my insecurities are hurting me, somebody please come and flirt with me" // "got a long way to go until self preservation, think my moral compass is on a vacation and i can't believe that i still feed my fucking temptations and i'm still looking for my salvation"

IICHLIWP:

"but it's a fact that her fear will eat her alive" // "for your sake, all of this is temporary" // "don't wait for me, it's not a happy ending" // "losing you is easier than lying to myself that you love me" // "you know i'm still somebody's daughter see" // "i'll kidnap all the stars and i will keep them in your eyes" // "please don't leave (i'm running out of time to tell you) don't leave me in the shape you left me (i'm running out of things i forget)...just leave me in the place you found me safe and soundly" // "all i can taste is the blood in my mouth and the bitterness in goodbye" // "i love the way my eyes make yours look green too"

The Great Impersonator

"cause i don't know if i could sell out my own funeral" // "quite frankly, to be alive it shouldn't kill me everyday the way it does" // "walking down a razor thin edge and i wake up tired think im better off dead" // "im all grown up but somehow lately im acting like a fucking baby i'm really not as happy as i seem" // "said i wanna be cool i don't wanna be pretty" // "so who am i kidding? i'm doing way worse than im admitting" // "they say all dogs go to heaven well what about a bitch?" // "he didn't have to clean his room, it was enough to be alive" // "i would love to love you but my body's keeping score and i don't know if i can see you anymore" // "i'll still believe in heaven if they never let me in" // "didn't think that i was special but i was too afraid to die" // "trying to love you through an open wound" // "i've inspired platinum records, i've earned platinum airline status" // "i should be getting better but i'm only getting worse" // "but i'll perpetually believe that any man who says he loves me is hiding something up his sleeve" // "changing like the weather but i'll never be like him" // "my eyes tell me that he's harmless despite what my heart has to say" // "blood is thick but water is forever...that girl will be a problem only if you let her and i left her back home but i cannot forget her" // "but i can't keep up the illusion or confirm your point of view, no i can't bare to fake a smile when you walk into the room" // "what do you with a difficult grown up?" // "please god or whoever you are" // "does a story die with its narrator?"

non album singles:

"talking wildly out of context, i wish things were different" // "i would sell my souls for a bit more time" // "called the girls in your dms and took all them home" // "and it seems like you never listen and i hate you lately" // "i promised myself i wouldn't let you complete me"

i wont be truly unhinged and post the lyrics to my fave unreleased songs but alakansjsjsjjs

[my-fancy-hat]

vent post ahead bc i have already sickened my friends with this issue but i need to get it all out. i fucking hate my ex and how he is still involved in my life, i feel like i will never be able to completely move on if i can't cut him off, it's suffocating. i'm the type of person that needs to renew my surroundings and circles when i end a phase in my life (it depends ofc), but this guy and i share the same friends group, major and we both are in the student council, anywhere i go i will have to encounter him and exchange words. we particulary didn't end in "bad terms", but later on i discovered how he lied to me about his intentions, saying what was the needed to fulfill his needs (disgusting), and at the end pitied me because i wanted commitment and he didn't, giving me words of consolation as "we will be together again someday in the future"???? excuse me, u fucking won't. and i'll never get myself involved with you again. fucking coward, hypocrite, who tf u think u are i'm not stupid. i want him gone. i rather eat shit than being pitied by someone like him, i'm prideful af and he hurt my pride bad, he's dead to me. the worst thing is that i already discussed this to him what pisses me off about him and how uncomfortable he makes me feel (also, he still chase me after all that) that i want him to stop with his shit but he won't listen, it's like talking with the wall he still keeps doing the same shit. i regret so much to have maintained a semblance of friendship with him (like we didn't even meet as friends, i can't be friends with someone who i knew as a lover rightaway) and not having been clear with my negative feelings, i should have been a dick instead since the start and i wouldn't have to bite this pain in the ass for TWO (2) YEARS til now. yesterday he presented me as 💥his dear friend🌟 to his new gf BRO LEAVE ME ALONE IGNORE ME PLEASE. i don't need to see you making out with someone else, i dont need you to present me shit, why you lie to her i'm just a normal friend? how she would react if she found out all of this? that you keep someone like me close? worst thing is that the girl seems super clueless (girl like. from above in the sky you can see and tell the way we both talk to each other isn't as wow they trust each other sm they good friends:)) and she wants to befriend me because he told her good things about me.............. YOU UNDERSTAND HOW FEED UP I AM. son of a bitch why in the hell he wants me to befriend his new gf, i dont need anything of that just please leave me alone. said to me after she was gone he likes to have me by his side because "i'm a good person, correct and straightforward" that he can trust me w anything. ofc i confirmed his words in saying i don't feel the same way, that i don't trust him a single bit and i'm like this because i'm tired of his ass, but mf was so drunk i doubt he got the message. I don't understand how men like this exists, he filrted with me for years and even when he started his new relationship, but he doesn't want me. he wants me close but not too much, he doesn't want to let me go but he can have a new gf. i fucking hate seeing the people who hurt me happy, and i hate him bc he's a liar, hypocrite and pitied me bc my sentiments were genuine, he never apologized for what he did to me. why he can have a new start with someone else but I can't because he fucking traumatized me and i can't trust any men intentions anymore? am I not allowed to be happy with someone else too?? Idfc if he's good now i want him away from me i dont want to see it. if only he could disappear of my life i know i wouldn't feel this way, i want to heal.

[parkjayssi]

heyy I'm Luna! My favourite color is Black, purple. Can you tell me about me and my favourite character's future or outcome together? My fav character is Kenma from haikyuu and rindou from tokyo revengers. (Choose any of them) Thank you!

Here's your exchange:

im choosing geto for you, he seems beet for you among them. I think you may meet him when you were going through an upside down phase in your life, too much stress, lack of time and money probelms to the point you won't know who you are. I see lots of paperworks scattered all over the floor. Water tab is on but you are careless. You are tired of keeling balance in your life. But suddenly he would come to you for help. I mean we all know he hates humans and calls them monkey why would he go for you? Well it was for purely work purposes. He wanted you on his team since you were done with humans as much as him he felt like maybe you could understand him. And together you both gained lots of things. Money wasn't a probelm. But there could be some conflict, since he's someone who works thinking about it for too long and you are very impulsive when it comes to some things. He might try to dominate you in some situation and you hate being dominated by someone else. At the end your past life cycle might come back again and it will start all over again. Trying to balance but can't and geto will redo everything from the start. The outcome may hurt you both in the process but it will be worth it.

thank you for joining and the reading! i honestly cannot see myself with geto if he would've been real cus he's quite manipulative, but then again, i love his character hahaha. i still find this as a very interesting take nonetheless so very thankful for your reading. anyways i'll be doing kenma for you (haikyuu! is literally my comfort anime)

YOUR STORY: the dynamic and your fate cards pulled : the empress, 8 of wands, queen of wands (rx)

ooh, seems like you got lucky with kenma because they totally have romantic feelings for you. kenma saw your nurturing qualities and definitely felt that "you're the one" for him. i sense intense attraction from the start, love at first sight, to be precise. also you both could meet at a place like a cafe, i'm seeing cat cafe, but that's probably because kenma resembles a cat. okay, with 8 of wands, you have the same level of energy matching him, falling for him immediately. you both may take the relationship a bit too fast and start dating after like, two dates. i also see both of you finding comfort in each other. soul family perhaps? this could be a holiday romance because i see both of you meeting each other at a time where you both are relaxing and enjoying your vacation. the last card actually suggests you both to take things slow, because one of you just healed from something and need some time to yourself. also, OPEN COMMUNICATION! IS A BIG FACTOR HERE! as long as this problem is addressed and you both are openly communicative with your needs, this may go well for the both of you. hope you liked your reading! please provide me feedback if you can. that helps a lot with increasing the quality of my readings

[the-firebird69]

Watch "America - Tin Man (1975) | LIVE" on YouTube

The smell of demons breath screw you and I don't

Tommy f

It's an expression it means you're doing things demon's life or demons would have you do I should know I'm having to do them

Zues

Me too. He's a pushover

Hera not really but yeah he is

So they're being the song it warns you not to talk about Oz and it says that people are joking about it it says it didn't make robots any better and didn't put a friend here that's me in the desert walking around and it actually the tropical areas with my armor on.

Then you're supposed to find you a horrific shock that he manipulated how robots were made and so forth to try and defeat Mac and because of this one fact was supposed to believe that he made day and night and me walking around in the desert. And he said the whole time until mention it or you end up on a shelf cuz that's your reward for knowing stuff.

Well it looks like he's saying you should believe in me because I had this done and she had some of it done and he knows how things work to a degree and it looks like Oz is failing and he's forced to come out and say it and he's forced to tell people I had something to do with that and I'm valuable. Because his forces are being crushed

That's why the song says so please believe in me someone else sees it of course but that's what is going to happen shortly

Zues Hera

You know what's happening and he's getting his ass handed to him and he does say stuff like this he's around people and he does know how some of it works and it did change how things are done and he's responsible for some advancements but not that many because I can play in the whole loop to occur and he's probably sick of him and it looks like the future where the song is playing it's got him on the maracas it's really supposed to be my job the best part about it is he's got it right up to his ear and yeah people don't use miracles in your ear

You look the stuff up and it comes out like Tommy f is losing and it's just like what he said but it does look kind of hilarious and you can see the game is there and they're losing too but he's saying that kind of thing they want to know what they're doing wrong and time after telling them. This song is no joke folks these people are mean people and part of the song means death and that's not why the reason is that their leaders still have big armies and we have to tend to it and make sure that they don't eventually cuz they're a pain in the ass and right now before we go for another attack and it's the warlock after losing 200 trillion yesterday and last night and part of the day before they are prepping to try to attack again we're going after them wherever they are to pull them out it's too many and we're pulling all of them out and there's a bunch of people we're doing certain areas and Max are doing it too nearby but we're going in really it's the whole upper Midwest.

I was sick of tired of you people telling us what to do you're not qualified to tell your own shoes and Max and Sissy on it it's really not working for you anyways

-you know what to do this week we have 3 days until Saturday. Along with removing Lady Gaga's missiles who start to remove others that were not that far away and she was thanked. Fairly soon she won't be able to get here and she's a trumpster.

-other people have their missiles removed and they were nearby and others as well and super fast stuff all over the place including from The fleets giant lasers are being deactivated by us in space yeah Iwe could use lasers.

Thor Freya

I put out there that we need lasers yesterday and we need tons of them and I hear a father and mother say there are all over the place and they don't need those right now at all so it started gathering them from these idiots and we are going to take tons more. And I'm sick and tired of them talking about videotaping me they haven't video taped me ever. It's going to be a long week.

I'm going to publish because we don't want to lose this stuff

Thor Freya

Olympus

I hope I'm being clear I need assistance and he's saying what's wrong and I mean I need assistance from our people for protection and is too true

Hera

We're having a meeting this morning about it and we are having a special meeting it's about your safety and he's right if we don't move you tomorrow you are going to be vulnerable so we are having that meeting for real

Thor Freya

There's too many ships up there with class A weaponry and they can fire off things that are like missiles that go very deep in Mars you give me a few hundred miles on the ground but you can't on that planet and you need that that's what I'm talking about

Zig Zag

I have given the order to move her if it's safe and possible to do so. I'm not handing off the responsibility but that is my order and it is due to my status that I can't make a decision to force her to be moved and it has to be done by our people and carefully

Zues

I'm aware they have to make a decision but going back and forth to start to bother me.

Hera

I believe what they're saying is the movie there would not be a massive harm now if we could and they're going to try. As opposed to not trying. But what I'm saying is they need to make a commitment to actually try or not and that's one reason why it's consternating

Zues

What we are saying is we're reassessing your status we are checking to see if it's possible to relocate you due to the fact that there are so many threats directed on you that we need to have some redundancy and he says it will be more protective Tony F will be obliterated the heat from that would never go away and we need that to happen and he says that it is true. And we do need it now it's so dangerous time. And we don't need to have her wandering around on a small planet. And I put in for her to be actually relocated. We have safe travel for you and we have a way of doing it.

Thor Freya

And I hear stuff and I understand that I fear that I might not be able to make it on the trip and then they are going to attack me it's a very dangerous maneuver

Hera

We have the force protection required for that and it's going to be a humongous battle it will be very big before your transferred in any way. And also Mars will be obstructed Venus from Earth in a way that Venus will not be even visible for 3 hours that's an advantage because all the weapons and most of the weapons were worried about are on Earth and most the weapons of space can't reach their or penetrate so that's one goal of achieved after the reflectors are gone and usually they don't work that great. There's several other things that make that helpful we have Giants and you can't see them behind the planet and literally all over the place sensing we have other ships too and we're going to be using those and recent ones that you know about. We have a few other people that are talking about it that I wanted to publish

Thor Freya

We have a huge system set up to do this. It's not just a few people it's all of Olympus and myself and practically every logistics person we have and military person we have it's going to be on hand during this procedure. We have the utmost of confidence in its success. I don't know of anything that can stop it or foresee anything that we haven't addressed.. further we have a lot of assistance coming for you to help you be calm. And it's finally there's reasons for the transfer like this and it is for you and me other people at the same time and sometimes it's difficult if it was around the other side of the sun would be accused very badly

Zues

Yes I know these things and I'm starting to get it I need to be reminded. And the fear sometimes is blinding so I took a pen and paper and I wrote down what you said and the first two things made me feel better but I'm still afraid and they can show me that you understand that and I understand what you're saying. I need some time to myself I'm going to be okay but I do understand what he's saying

Hera

She's okay she's checking things. We have more people to want to speak

Thor Freya

I've seen her since she's a little girl and she's more excited than afraid she knows we can handle the job and kept you alive with all this hoopla. There's a few things so you should know. She doesn't like your stupid comments. She wants to straighten out and fly right it's a little hairy areas. Other than that you're doing a good job. There's other stuff too we are at War she knows it we are approaching you to see this and we need a break and her position is too vulnerable. And we realize the difficulty but we do realize the math and we do thank you for clarifying it to us from us. And it is the first thing you told her and she told us too it's important to hear it from her get out of there. More or less we do have other things to say there is a huge huge vehicle waiting to transport you it's pretty big and he knows about it. It's more our style. Real protection. And really cloaked. We do know what we're doing and we do have it worked out.

-I do know you worked on it and you were talking about it and you were saying it out loud and I hear what you say you didn't know what or where or when and he works it out and so we got it done. Now I know what you're saying he's the one who did it and with power and I do understand something our Cadre is getting interest, and it should be fine in a moment. I did see something you always say that kind of stuff. But I don't know when and all that other stuff. Now I know when and I know how and I know what he's saying I'm going to have a whole bunch of stuff odd on things coming out of him that make a lot of sense to me. It's pretty rough there for a minute and I do understand something there's a lot of people helping and he says you should probably let them say something

I do get that I'm powerful and I'm just going to keep blabbing here but no I need to let people know I'm okay

Hera

It is our planet and we do understand but this is also our planet and your our charge and we're going to make sure you're well and we do have the power and we're going to have it out and we're going to disable their stuff and we have a lot of false flags and he's pushing for more and so is zig zag and they know what they're doing and Thor and Freya ordered it this morning. And he says let me know how it is they're both kind of excited about it he's kind of anxious cuz he has nothing to do all day. But she's going to be having a lot more fun and she really needs to do and needs to see people who are nice to her it's been a while. It is going to be a smooth transfer, and she hears a lot of stuff in it is stressing her and needs to be straightened out quicker and Mac has a plan to do this too to put her on Mars if not Tommy F then us and he doesn't want him to have her and he does so it's going to be a real fight and it's coming out

Apollo and Goddess Wife

There are other things to consider. We're sitting here listening. And she's emotionally in trouble she says and she said she's feeling better now but they're a few more things she needs to know. And we know about them yes you will be in a new facility. It'll be your facility it's a wing and we're in it. And we are protecting you. And the situations are never perfect until you're with your own family and that will be for a while. And we will assist you with what you need and she's happy and he is too he's blessing us for being there and he's saying this is the house guy I was telling you about.. that's what we say and as agents out here it's a rough place and they speak slaying all the time and spit things out and really it's a very strange way of talking but that's what they say so we're moving out and we have our orders and we're going to get it done he said we should publish

Frank Castle Hardcastle

We're going to publish now but I will say this is my dream is to have her come home. And for her to be more secure and he let us know too but she's more secure and we're going to have a better time cuz this is terrible and it was a lot of pressure on him and it's right thing to do at this time. they're going to think it's also Tommy f or Mack, and they're going to try and get up there but they're also going to enjoy after them. He's my pleasure to do this duty and me and my wife will welcome you at the gate

Duke Nukem Blockbuster

I would hope someone would set it up for me for me to be received

Hera

and he says he has and that's why I need to hear from. And he says this is a wonderful experience for you it's something I've waited my whole life for too. And it's part of the math because they want to find out where we are even though we are headquarters in Canada.

Zues

We had better publish but boy are you a wise guy. That was me and it's the lady the tramp first not plague dogs. We saw both of them recently and he thinks maybe it's the other way around and so do I it's going on shortly

Hera

There's tons of children watching it it's going to be a huge story and plain dogs too and I see what he does he's making sure she makes it. But our boy is down we're going to make it work. But as he says we're one reason why they want that to happen and not for Tommy f. I really want to do it themselves but if it happens the other way they're okay with it

Olympus

Would you say that cuz we do mean it and it will get us more in tune to what we should be doing and he says others will be getting up and he says it's not for him to worry about. Or his personal finances LOL this has been the hardest time of my life and I can't believe it's going to get harder because these oafs. We're reporting a whole bunch of minority warlock and they're going to get to work and the building into the government all manners of the government everywhere. And they're working together and the vice president has influence now and she's going to try and help herself to escape and it's going on. And yeah there's a money issue it seems minority warlock going to help with but yeah we have an angle on her getting there with his forces whatever they may be and that's one and why

Mac

And we do and it suggested that we let it alone and all sorts of people and we see what they're saying

Daniel

[crimeronan]

shoutout to this post i made almost three years ago. i wish i could go back in time and tell my slightly-younger self what a Time we were about to have. scrolling through the early days of my autoimmune tag is wild because past me is oversharing about my diagnoses and the fact that i might be dying and the fact that i keep finding eulogies instead of support groups when i look for community online, but i am...... not sick yet.

like. i definitely Think i'm sick, at the time. i am definitely tired and fevered and feel like shit, i'm using organ transplant reject drugs and having biopsies done and doctor's faces keep going gray when they see my skin and pharmacists keep giving me Terrible Pitying Looks when i fill my new scripts,

but i am not sick yet.

we have not yet explored the true event horizon of what it means to be sick. i am sick like most chronically fatigued spoonies online but.... i am going to learn a Lot more about how sick a body can really get.

anyway. i wish i could tell my slightly-younger self that we're about to lose the Entirety of our mid-twenties to illness. and we'll come out the other side blinking and confused and stumbling like a newborn lamb, feeling like we just went through a dark subway tunnel that folded us from one shore to the other, there's a void in the middle that's only accessible through the posts somebody made for all those years. someone made those posts with our hands. we sure don't remember them, though!

we won't feel any different than we did at 24 not just because we were inside for years due to a pandemic, but also because our brain was shutting down. we'll also feel like an entirely separate person from the 24-year-old self who didn't know yet what being sick was.

wish i could tell my slightly-younger self that now, as of writing this, when we're nearly 28, we'll be on the highest possible therapeutic dose of hydroxychloroquine, and that as long as we escape any rare medical complications from that, we'll be taking it for the rest of our life. wish i could tell them we're about to sacrifice three full years for the chance to live a whole, self-actualized life at the other end of hell.

wish i could tell her things are going to get way way way worse and then they're going to get a lot better. knocking on wood about it of course because there's always the chance of climate catastrophe or natural disasters or new illnesses or other calamities interfering with life plans. but if i don't jinx myself, i could tell her we've got the rest of 28 and 29 and then our 30s and 40s and beyond to be awake and happy and alive. we are still Young. losing a handful of years and having strange new lines around our eyes doesn't change that.

dunno what else to say here. i found this post a few weeks back in the "related posts" suggestions when looking at my own blog and it made me laugh aloud bc i was like. oh honey. ohhh honey. you don't even Know yet. you are going to be so different in three years and you're also going to be exactly the same.

i guess the conclusion here is that i can't tell my three-years-ago self what's coming but i can tell the chronically ill ppl following me: please for the love of GOD pursue diagnosis and treatment for your weird physical bullshit. sorry i know it sucks and hurts and is bad i know. doctors and the healthcare system are a nightmare to navigate, especially now w/ the medical sector collapsing in the wake of post-COVID problems, but you never know when your baseline of "i feel sick" is going to deteriorate Beyond Reckoning.

be kind to your future self. be kind to your past self. i don't want anybody else to learn what this kind of sickness feels like if they can avoid it.

anyone else ever have that chronic illness feel of like. yes i know people can get sick at any time and there are plenty of diseases you’re more likely to get if you’re UNDER 40 and many many many of the people in my social circle have chronic illnesses while being around my age but also. bro i am 24 come on

[kortsitron]

Let It Out

Pairing: Bucky Barnes × Gender Neutral! Reader

Warnings: depression, agnst, this shit kinda dark, mental illness, anxiety, overthinking, mention of suicide with mentioning it, hurt/comfort 

Summary: Reader is in a dark place and after being scared and tired of their own thoughts, they need to talk about it with someone.

Also now _____ is the new version of (Y/N), tell me if you like that version more

Author’s Note: Please if you're not feeling good, reach out for help! Talk about your problems with someone you trust! It will be better! Remember that if you're not feeling comfortable reading this, don't do it, don't make yourself do things that you don't wanna do. Also this is kinda a vent cuz I need to let emotions out, so yeah :P

Also keep in my mind that I haven’t been writing for a while, so this might be shit and out of character

It has been getting worse lately and it scared you. Your mental health has been a mess for as long as you can remember, but now it was worse than ever. Your thoughts were so loud, and throughout your day you knew will be the same as every other night. Crying in your bed, horrified and just wanting it all to stop. You just wanted to be safe from it all. 

You've been laying in your bed, feeling tears come to your eyes while your phone called in the middle of the night. It was Bucky. You haven't heard from him for a week, because he was on a mission. You were stunned and you weren't sure if you wanted to answer. You didn't want James to hear that you've been in a dark place lately, however you decided to answer and at least try distracting yourself from these awful thoughts. “Hello?” You murmured, scared your voice might break if you said it louder.

“Hi _____! I didn't wake you up, did I?” He greeted you with a cheerful tone, you could tell he was happy to be back. “Oh, no you didn't. I wasn't asleep, I was actually kinda bored.” You faked a laugh, hoping it would sound real and he won't suspect a thing. “How was the mission?”

“It's been pretty tough, but luckily I didn't get hurt too much. I have bruises here and there, but no serious injuries, so nothing to worry about.”

“That's good.” You replied, thinking how to get the conversation going, you had no idea what to say.

“I was thinking, since I'm back, maybe you wanna go grab a dinner with me tomorrow. We then could go for a walk or go to my apartment and watch a movie. What do you think?” Your heart melted a bit, and you couldn't help but smile.

That sentence made you distressed, you didn't want this call to end. You knew if it ended, thoughts would harass you again. “Please don't hang up!” You sobbed, it was almost automatic. It was a cry for help. You could tell that you caught Bucky off guard and there was silence which felt like forever. Without a second thought you continued. “Please Bucky, I don't wanna be alone.” Your voice broke and tears went down your face. Bucky heard soft crying and he felt his heart slowly break.

“I would love to do that, James.” You whispered, feeling your cheeks getting hot. You could tell that he was happy to hear that answer and he started talking about what plans he had for the near future like helping Steve with assembling a new closet that he ordered or finally reading a book that he bought some time ago. You were cheery to listen to him. You weren't talking a lot during that conversation, you just were answering with short sentences and "mhm" sounds. It made James think that you were tired.

“You know ______, I don't want you to be tired for tomorrow so I think I'll be going, okay?”

“Is everything alright?” Was all he could think about at the time, even though he knew what answer he was going to get.

“No. I'm.. I'm so scared.” You were shaking, it was your thoughts so loud again. “Don't leave me alone with my thoughts, please. They're so horrifying, it's too much.”

“I've got you, _____. Let it out. I'm here for you.” That made you cry even harder and let out all the terrifying things that have been on your mind for a while. James was just listening, trying to imagine what has been going on lately. And it made him wonder if there was something he could do to help you or if there were any signs he didn't notice at the time. 

“Thank you for telling me. I really appreciate that you trust me so much. I'll do anything to help you, we'll get through this together. Is there anything I can do for you at the moment?”

You finally felt relieved and not like there was no way to help fight you. You felt a bit of hope, after all these days in the dark of your own mind. You felt yourself zooming out, after so much crying.

“_____?” James called, bringing you back.

“Yes?”

“Please come over, I don't wanna sleep alone tonight.” Your voice was a bit weak from the crying, it was so quiet that James could barely hear you.

“Of course. Do you want me to stay on the phone till I get to your apartment?”

“Yes please.”

“Alright, I need to put on a jacket and shoes, and I'm basically ready to go. I should be at your place in around 10 minutes.” James without thinking was telling you everything he was doing, to keep you at peace, before finally arriving at your place and ending a call. When you opened the door and he saw your red face and puffy eyes, he couldn't help himself and gave you a hug. A hug that you wanted to feel for so long. It made you sob again. The feeling of safety James brought with him. You truly felt like you weren't alone and you weren't going to lose that battle.