#I'm so stressed with life and I think this series has helped me deal with the grief of losing my grandma in December

[ohraicodoll]

Thank you so much for Red. It’s crazy how much I relate to her. We don’t live in a post apocalyptic world but we all live in our own worlds and sometimes it can feel like us vs them which Red helps me to navigate. She has helped me to feel less ashamed about the way my brain has turned out.

She’s so cathartic and has shown me that even when someone is as rough and ready, or completely rejecting of anything good that comes their way because they ‘don’t deserve it’ or that they will wreck it that some people could them her regardless. If that makes sense.

I especially love the new Tommy x Red friend post that just made me feel so fucking validated again! The way that Red has unusual ways of showing her love/gratitude and the people in her life just try to understand it until they do with no questioning!? To be loved in a way that is so accommodating and significant blows my mind. I know you’re writing fiction but sometimes discovering that this very specific thing is addressed and taken care of by another human being in the world is insane and has given me a bit of hope for my future.

It’s so soothing and Cathartic to read your work . I spent some of my childhood in survival mode and it never truly leaves you. You’ve written it so realistically I am in amazement with every piece of the puzzle you post.

I wish I had an ounce of your talent so that I could explain my love and gratitude for you in a way that was comprehensible. I’m sorry, I just had to say something now though, I’ve been having a weird couple of days and your writing is one of my only forms of escapism.

I am so interested in what inspired you to create such a specifically complex female character like her. I consume a lot of media, have read and literally studied the new era of woman (still hard to give them a specific name) and no character has ever come close to Red. Your talent blows my mind.

Thank you Sam.

Oh goodness, did you make me cry ❤❤

I'm so glad you feel seen and feel a bit of representation and catharsis with her. That's just all I can hope is that you all love the characters I create and the stories as much as I do. You've all kept me motivated and inspired to write her (especially as fast as I have haha).

The idea about Red came because I kinda got tired of only finding pure smut or timid characters in the TLOU fic tag. I love both but Tess was not timid and was more the dominant in the relationship. And I fully get that Joel radiates "I'll take care of you" dom energy but at this point in the apocalypse I doubt there would be many people left that didn't have some aggression in them or that need taking care of. I love character analysis too much to do the same type of character.

I've always been drawn to rage characters. I wrote a whole book series when I was a teen centered around one. And I think I wanted to go back to that since my character in my Sandman series is the opposite. Dahlia is an exploration of trauma responses, especially around acts of anger because that's what I experience. But I started writing with action and violence and someone who is angry all the time and motivated by rage and I wanted to go back to it because writing a character that lacks the moral responses to killing is fascinating. So often we get characters that regret or are remorseful around killing and I don't think that's Joel.

So it was a combo of just writing someone who doesn't regret her violence, doesn't regret killing, and has been alone in the wild for a long time focused only on surviving that they never thought they'd get more. Someone who is accepted for their violence and rage. And that's Red. She is a bunch of fractured pieces held together with string with no coping skills and Joel and Ellie love her either way.

There's the her before the Outbreak, the her that was broken by her sister (who she sees in Ellie), there's the her that was with her group, the her after being alone for years and years, and then the her with Joel and Ellie. Joel never shies away from her and may actually be drawn to her more because of it since there's a piece of that in him. This story is about being seen and accepting your ugliness.

I think being able to jump all over her timeline and continuously build her has been so wonderful and fun. Requests and prompts have been great in building her (though I do change some to make sure they fit the world and who she is). I fully acknowledge she's not a reader but an OC but I cannot write a character who is a blank slate because your past and history dictate your personality and actions (and tbh, most Readers are actually OC's without names or descriptions. I'm old, the x Reader/You thing is new but also just a relabeling of OC's)

I don't know how other writers write, but these characters fully inhabit me when I focus on them. It's why it's hard to switch between stories and characters at time because I can only see through their eyes. I feel their natural body movements, their conversations flow in my head and usually I have to race to write them down somewhere for later. Red is very much a part of me and it's been a joy to explore her and bring her to you all.

So much love and thankfulness to you all ❤❤

[gguk-n]

Chapter 3- The Reveal

Unravelling Max's Mystery (Max Verstappen x Online Friend!Reader)

Series Masterlist

Summary- Y/N gets rejected for the sixth time. Max win's the Monaco grand prix 2023. Y/N decides she needs time for herself.

No hate to anyone, it's for the story

{Reader's POV}

I fell asleep crying, a faint buzzing from my phone was heard from the other room. I woke up after a few hours at 3 am when I found my phone which was burning up. The messages hadn't stop coming. They had gotten quite frantic as I scrolled through my notifications. I decided to reply to Max's messages.

He was still the guy I liked, I couldn't not reply. But I was hurt and in no shape to be talking to him. I don't know what Max said after my message because my phone shut down. I pushed myself to clean myself up and my surrounding. I was a stress cleaner and I'm so grateful to having 2 jobs right now. It meant my mind would be preoccupied. I cleaned my whole house before leaving for school in the morning. My eyes were red and puffy; I was on coffee. I had yet to switch my phone on. I wasn't ready to face Max yet.

Today was the worst day, not only because of last night's revelation but I had the least amount of classes today. None of the kids needed help after class either. That meant I was left to my own devices. When I switched the phone on, I could see missed calls and texts from Max and a couple voice messages; from the night before and today morning I guess. I opened up Google to check his schedule; he was in Monaco, which was also his home currently. I found out a lot about him, you think you know someone but then Google tells you otherwise. His dad was as shitty as he described. His records and feats were astonishing and if I wasn't this angry at him for hiding it from me, I would've been so proud and told him so. His Instagram feed was pretty and polished and he posted so much racing content. I found his streaming account with a team, he was exactly like the Max that called me everyday with occasional appearances from the cats on stream. People spoke so rudely about Max, it angered me to no end. He was a kind man, a liar but a sweet man.

The real kicker was Max's girlfriend's account where I found so many pictures of them together with her daughter, from what I found out. He looked happy, he had a family like he always said he wanted. I couldn't help but smile bitterly, a part of me wished that it was me who was the woman beside him with our kid. Life is cruel in some ways, mine is satire at best. Here, I can't date a man because I'm hung up on a guy I've never met before while said man has a family. I felt tears streaming down my face which I quickly wiped them off. I had enough of pity and sympathy stares since the morning to last a lifetime, I can't deal with any more of them.

I knew I wanted to talk to Max, the only guy who has ever understood me, however, I also knew that if we spoke I wouldn't be listening to him. I was scared I would lose the one true friend I have. Would Max understand where I was coming from? Why did he hide this from me? Did he not trust me enough? I get it, but you are a public figure. I don't know how to feel about all of this. It was the weekend tomorrow. I would be left with my thoughts and I probably shouldn't confront Max before his race on Sunday, right?

I spent the next two days planning how I would talk to Max. How I would ask him why he hid everything from me? I didn't want to fight him; my parents always said I was rude and difficult to work with, that my anger consumed me, that my words were harsh. I wasn't supposed to show such negative emotions they said. I didn't want to lose him; but was I allowed to hold on to him when he never let me have him?

Max called and texted me every day but I was very scared, scared of becoming the monster my parents said I was, sacred of hurting the one I love. There I said it, said Max and love in the same sentence. I had threaded that line so carefully but after all of this, I realised that I've loved him for years and watching him be happy with some else hurt as much as knowing that I never truly knew Max. It was Sunday night, I checked the news and saw that Max won. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to rejoice watching the man I love win at what he was best at or be hurt watching him live a life I knew nothing about.

I texted him at night on Sunday, maybe he would be busy celebrating his win, I didn't know. I didn't know a lot of things. As I waited for the text back, I logged on to my emails that I had forgotten about to find a reply from the publication I had sent my work to; to be met with dismay. Another rejection, I'm not sure how many more rejections I could take. My hands shook, making the laptop fall from my lap onto the bed. I got up and got myself a glass of water.

I laid on my bed for god knows how long before the familiar ring of my phone pulled me out of my trance. I had taken the day off tomorrow. I knew I didn't have the mental or emotional capacity to deal with anything. I answered the call to a worried Max.

Max- Schat, how have you been? Haven't heard a word from you in days. Y/N- I've been busy, school year ending and stuff. Why didn't you sleep yet? Max- You know my sleep schedule is non existent. Y/N- Yeah, I guess I do. Max looked at me confused. Y/N- You know how I do freelance editing Max- You've told me about it Y/N- The latest author I'm working with is a sports author. I was hoping you could help me since you are a walking encycylopedia. Max- sure schat, but what's up with you? You know I'm always there for you Y/N- Yeah it nothing, just stressed. Max- Take off, you deserve it Y/N- The summer break is here soon, I'll be fine. So about that author... Max-Yeah, what sport does she write for? Y/N- Formula One. I don't really like reading lengthy articles and I'm sure one article wouldn't do a sport any justice. I could see the colour leave Max's face. He licked his lips before speaking. Max- You did not go through google yet, right? Y/N- Oh no, what do you take me for? I got excited to learn about something new. Do you know who the reigning champion is? Max was quite, a sort of uncomfortable silence had enveloped us, for the first time in 10 years. Y/N- Some dude named Max Verstappen. You guys share the same first name. He has 2 cats too; named Jimmy and Sassy, who look exactly like your bengals. I mean he even looks like you, with horrible sleep schedule just like you. He even sounds like you. I felt my voice begin to crack while I spoke, the lump in my throat unbearably big, my breathing was uneven. Max- Schatje, I can explain. Y/N- You don't have to Max. I never asked you what you did. You don't have to explain anything. (I smiled with only my lips) Max- I wanted to tell you, it just never came up in conversation. Y/N- I get it, it's difficult to tell your friend who has amounted to nothing that you are the World Driver's Champion, best of the best in Formula One. Max- Y/N, it's nothing like that. You're great, you're kind, you're funny. I laughed bitterly. Y/N- Those are character traits I possess, they don't describe my career goals or achievements. I know I work 2 jobs to stay afloat while you make millions, I know I wish I was an author and not their editor, I know you probably thought I was too stupid to understand your rich and fancy world. Max- No, no, you're so talented. I've read your work and I'm sure the right publication will pick your work up. Y/N- I got rejected for the sixth time today. All of this is fine except that you lied to me about being single while having a girlfriend for years and having the happy family you dreamt off. You didn't have to introduce me to her; not like my boyfriends met you. But it would've been nice if I knew. Max- It just never came up. Y/N- I...we joked about setting you up with someone all the time. Please don't. I get it, we didn't tell each other about work goals or what we did as a job but personal life; I literally told you about every guy I've ever been with. I felt bad telling you thinking you were single. I feel stupid right now. I had tears streaming down my face at this point. Max- I'm sorry,Y/N. I promise I won't hide anything anymore. Please, don't cry. Y/N- My name is Y/N Y/L/N. I majored in literature in Uni and now work as a primary school teacher and freelance editor. I'm trying to get my book published soon. I broke up with my boyfriend 2 months ago. Max- Please don't do this. Y/N- I believe at least one of us should be honest. Max- Let me fix this. Y/N- Don't worry. There's nothing to fix. (I wiped away my tears) Max- Please don't say that. You mean a lot me. Y/N- Me too. That's why, I need time. I'll talk to you when I'm ready. Max- Please, I can't lose you. Y/N- You won't. I'll always be there for you. I just need time. Take care Max I saw tears streaming down Max's face. Max- Bye, take care Y/N. I'll always be here. And then the screen went black.

[Max spent the whole week worrying about Y/N. He couldn't think straight. This was weird, she was never this busy before. It was stressing him out, he couldn't eat or sleep. He never even thought about the fact that maybe his lie had been exposed. When Y/N texted him, he was at a club in Monaco with the other drivers to celebrate his win. He only saw it after he got back home and immediately called her. She looked different, there was this sadness in her eyes. The smile didn't reach her eyes. And then she started talking, his heart was beating very fast. The moment she said Formula One, his whole world came crashing down. The more she spoke the more he felt like he was falling deeper, in a pit of his own making. He wanted to tell her, he wanted to explain himself but no words left his mouth. Then she started talking about his girlfriend. He felt like this was the last time he would get to talk to her, the last time he would hear her voice. This felt like the last time he would have her]

[georgiapeach30513]

How I'm Looking At You, Part 1

Summary: You were long considered a spinster. Your family was desperate for money, and you were their only option. Sending you to work for a newcomer who was not part of the Amish community was risky, and it brought forth the gossip. Ari didn't seem to care what others thought about him, but he did care what they thought about you. Making your innocent crush and close proximity a bit more...harder. But can you convince him and yourself that the feelings are worth it? But what if it is just a crush? Do you even care anymore? Or are you ready to risk it all and leave the community?

Pairings: Ari Levinson X Reader

Rating: mild

Warnings:  gossip, questioning religious teachings, language, sexual tension, 18+ ONLY

Word Count: 4.1K

Series Masterlist

*dividers created by @firefly-graphics

Ari takes a deep breath as he looks around. A whole lot of nothing. Land as far as the eye can see, neighbors weren’t close. He is in over his head. It was a great deal, and it made sense at the time, but now that he has sweat dripping down his face, blisters on his fingers, and more sun on his neck that his mom would deem necessary he realizes this was just a dumb idea.

The outside of the homestead is one thing, but the inside is unkempt and a complete disaster. He didn’t even know where to begin. Overwhelming didn’t even seem a strong enough word to describe the mess he is in. It is getting lonely out here, and the farmhands he hired aren’t helping much on the home or the kind of loneliness he feels. Life out here is different.

“I don’t think you’re gonna make it,” Jacob, one of the more vocal boys that Ari hired. Ari didn’t need anything that this life could bring him. In fact everyone here would probably shit themselves if they knew how much he is worth. Sometimes you just need an escape from the city life. “You look like you’re gonna melt away.”

“I’m thinking,” Ari gruffs out. The outside is fine. It is looking great, and the only reason he is even out here helping is his doctor told him stress was going to kill him. How is this not stressful?

“What’re you thinking about?”

“What do you know about keeping a house?” The young man stares at Ari awkwardly before looking at the other two men confused. They shuffle around nervously, looking down at the tilled land, “Did I say something?”

“I don’t think you understand the roles here,” Ari shrugs his shoulders, and the two boys that he couldn’t be bothered to learn their name since they didn’t talk to him before return back to their work.

“Care to enlighten me?”

“I don’t think what I’m suggesting will happen,” Ari squirts as he looks at the vastness of the land. He’d take any suggestion at this point, or whatever he had to offer.

“I don’t need suggestions, I asked to be enlightened.”

Jacob points to himself, but starts scratching his head after, “We don’t do housework. That’s for the women.”

“So I should find a woman to hire for the house,” the other boys start to chuckle, but remain working. “I think I missed something.”

“It won’t help,” Jacob shrugs his shoulders, as he grabs up his tool.

“Why?”

“If you think you’re going to get a married woman in a single English man’s home, you’re crazy. If you think you’re going to get an unmarried woman in a single English man’s home, you’re insane. Nobody would ever let their wife or their daughter in your home.”

Ari closes his eyes slowly. This way of life is confusing for him. He doesn’t want to tie a woman up in his bed and have his way with her, well — no, he wants help for his home. “Why wouldn’t they?”

“Have you looked at yourself? You’re like a man from the forbidden books. You bring out lustful thoughts in a woman. How are they to remain pure when there’s an English man that embodies everything they’re not supposed to have?”

“I don’t know how to use my stove though,” Jacob shrugs his shoulders. He didn’t see how any man would let a woman in his life ever be in Ari’s home. Especially not alone. “If I were to try, where would one go look for a woman that is unwed and needs a job?” The other boys laugh again, but Jacob points out into the distance.

“There’s only one person I can think of. A family that only had one daughter, no sons. They’re…well, they could use some charity. Their farm is quite small,” Ari hears one of the boys whistle, and chooses to ignore them. “She works at the general store.”

It isn’t the most ideal place to look, but it is the only one for now. What is the worst they could say? No. “You boys got this here?” All three give him a nod, there is so much nodding with everyone here, and he starts walking to his truck. He wasn’t going to go the horse drawn carriage route with transportation. And this isn’t a flashy truck. Old and rusty, and now he had a bit more hope of finding help for the inside of his farm. Maybe.

You can hear the giggles from the front of the general store. It was always about you, and they never tried to hide the way that they giggled and carried on about you. You weren’t supposed to gossip, and yet they always did about you. You were told you were too old to wed, and you weren’t a man and couldn’t help your father on the farm. And you weren’t the most demure because you spoke to everyone, and no matter what you did it was never right. And everyone wanted to point it out.

All you can bear to do is hold your head up high and try not to let the giggles and the random sound of your name off their sinning mouths to not affect you. Unfortunately it did every time, deep into your heart. You didn’t have friends, except the people that come into your store, and it made you long for something besides loneliness.

You wished you would have taken off long ago, but your parents didn’t deserve that. You had dreams of getting married young and having lots of little boys to help your father out. Had told your parents you could do the labor, but they felt you were better suited here. So hear you stay constantly hearing the drone of pious women being anything but that.

It is all politics and a game, and you quite frankly were sick of it. Sick of the constant need to be perfect as a human when it was literally impossible. So instead you pretend as if this is the life that you wanted. Living in a modern world, but acting as if you’re in the past. If anyone knew about your thoughts on wanting to break free, you’d be shunned, and you just couldn’t afford that.

It isn’t too often that you hear a rumble of an old Ford truck nearby, or the slamming of a door, or the fact that the giggling stops, and you see a gaggle of young women start to waddle away from the general store. And you can’t help but think, good riddance. The fact that they wanted to linger here while they whispered and giggled about your life that didn’t interfere with theirs is cruel. You always had to be the peak of perfection, while they were marking off the commandments like it was their job.

Booming footsteps isn’t unusual. What is unusual is the man that walks through the general store door, and you have a combination of looking too long and needing to look away immediately. Your eyes dart to his face, and then the countertop. Studying him and the wood grain in equal amounts.

Noticing the sticky sheen on his skin, and the random droplets of sweat dragging down his neck. Noticing his hair damp with said sweat, and still looking so fluffy. He walks over to a cooler, and pulls out a bottle of soda. Doesn’t bother to pay for it first, just pops the top, and leans his head back. His Adam’s apple moves with every gulp, and you know you look too long because his dark blue eyes shift towards you, and he winks.

Looking down at the counter, heat courses up your neck. Swirling around your ears, and your throat tightens. You need water. Even alcohol at this point. You had stolen a few sips before, and always heard it helps in situations such as these. Something is happening to your body that you just can’t explain, and you can’t even glance at him anymore.

“Ma’am?”

“Mhmm,” your response comes out whispered and pitiful, and you’re still unable to meet his gaze. A sudden urge to sit down, and let your body curl into itself pops up, and you need an exit. Air. Air would be really nice right now.

“I want to pay for the soda, but also a few more. My hired hands would like a treat,” why did the word hands sound so — delicious? Does that even make sense?

“Sure,” your body goes on autopilot as you start to ring him up. Still not daring to look at him. You’d crack, you just know it. You would be a puddle on the floor if you even tried. “Are you new?” How that sentence was even able to come out of your mouth is a mystery. Your throat is so dry and in need of rehydration immediately.

“Yeah. I bought the old Yoder farm, right at the edge of the town,” of course he did. The most coveted of farms, and even that is a sin. Too big of a farm for a single man. Did he mean to convert? Or was it too good of a purchase to not make the investment?

“That’s actually why I’m here. Darling, you think you can look at me?” Oh. Hearing a name usually saved for your parents to use for you, sounds very different from his silky voice. Your eyes shift up to look at him, and he’s even more handsome close up. You shouldn’t be worried about someone’s appearance, but he also should have his buttons done up a bit more. Too much of his gloriously tanned rippling chest is showing. He is all man. And the butterflies that erupt in your stomach makes you recall the gossipers’ talk of you being alone forever.

Those girls would not fare well if the elders knew what they were doing. But seeing this man, and his beard wet with soda, and the heavy feeling in your unseen areas, makes you quickly ask the heaven’s for forgiveness. You didn’t ask for that feeling though, it just happened. Your body is reacting to the way he looks and that close proximity to him.

“Why are you here?”

“I have hired hands for the outside, but the home itself — well it has much left to be desired. I don’t know what I’m doing in an Amish home,” you nod your head, a giddy smirk tickling the edge of your mouth, and he returns the smile. It’s a struggle to continue to look at him with how attractive you find him when he smiles. He’s handsome. Very handsome, “Yeah, I don’t know how to keep an Amish home. So this is very different.”

“I’m not sure I understand,” you didn’t. You didn’t know at all what he was referring to. English people can be so tricky with their words. No need in trying to sway a thought, just be blatantly honest about what you need.

“Well, I hired some boys to take care of the outside. I was needing to hire a woman for the home,” oh. Your sight goes back to the counter, and you shake your head no. “I didn’t even proposition you.”

“Sir, I don’t know if you are aware of our culture, but that would be — no woman should be alone with you,” it is true. It wouldn’t matter if she was married or not, it would be highly frowned upon. He didn’t know what he was asking. But even you being here in this general store, alone with him would be frowned upon. You wondered. “But some of our men are a bit more relaxed than others.”

“Is your husband?”

“I’m not married.”

“So could I hire you? I’d pay double of whatever you’re making here,” tempting. Sinful. And you want it. You wouldn’t have to listen to the gossip of those girls. Gossip would happen, you know it would. But you wouldn’t have to hear it. That sounds lovely. And you could become a ‘fulfilled Amish woman’ because you were keeping up a household. You wouldn’t be a complete failure.

“You’d have to ask my father for permission.”

“Are you not grown?”

Now it’s time for your overly sweet smile. If only he knew how there is a huge part of you that is ready to run away from this life. You are grown, and the fact you are telling another grown human that he had to ask your father for permission is obnoxious. “You truly don’t understand. I will need his permission to be alone in a man’s home. Appeal to his better nature. But yes, I would very much like to be out of here.”

And you want to be around him more. Like a rope that had wrapped around you and was going to jerk you into his thick broad chest. You would very much like that. Maybe a bit too much. You shouldn’t desire and lust after this man, but he is not grown like the boys here.

“So if I talk to your father, and he agrees…”

“What’s your name?”

“Ari Levinson,” my goodness. You need to repent for your body’s misbehavior. But for right now you’re trying not to melt away.

“Yes, Mr. Levinson. I would like to keep your house up.”

“So here’s the kitchen,” you smile kindly as you take everything in. The house is just a bit more grand than most in the area. The land is plentiful. The Yoders’ were a bit more modern, which is why they didn’t do well in this more traditional area.

“And, I really don’t need to explain this all to you, do I?”

“Not particularly,” you answer. Your eyes take in everything. Almost envisioning what a real English home would look like. Peeking into the sitting room, and going back to his really tall and thick stature. Having to look quickly away from him because he is staring too intently at you.

“What time are you wanting me to start working? Are you desiring breakfast?” That was an odd choice of words that you’re using. Desire is something you have been feeling lately, and you don’t fully understand the feelings. Or whatever is happening to your body, you just know that you enjoy looking at him. “Or lunch? Or dinner?”

“All three would be appreciative, but not a requirement,” you give him a head nod, starting to open up cabinets. You cringe. This isn’t how you were taught, but you can’t help it. He was in dire need of assistance, you see. “I apologize, Darling. Maybe I can give you some money, and you furnish the kitchen properly?”

“I would need to.”

“You do whatever you need, Darling. You just tell me what you need me to do,” he keeps using that name with you. You never feel this way when your parents call you that. This weird knot in your stomach that twists and twists, and your breathing isn’t normal. You’re just standing here staring at this man, and that is all.

“Is everything okay? Did I say something? I’m not good at this?”

“No, the um…I’d need to go into town,” shuffling your feet around you try to look at him, and try to ignore the burning in your throat, and between your thighs? What even is this?

“Okay,” that’s all he has to say. And you can’t end it there for several reasons. One of which is because you don’t want him to go. “Darling, you’re going to have to talk to me. I can tell there’s something you need.”

“Town is a few miles away,” he nods. Still not understanding what you’re needing. Did you even understand? “And you need a lot,” he blinks owlishly at you, and you try to swallow a completely dry mouth, “I don’t have a way to get there and bring everything back.”

“Oh, of course. I’m sorry, Darling,” that name again. You almost want to start counting how many times he uses it a day. His hand touches your shoulder as he steps past you to grab his keys, and you inadvertently bite your lip. “Can you ride in the truck? Is that allowed? Do I have to get a horse and buggy?”

“A truck is fine,” your voice is so breathless as you follow him towards the outside. Ready to head towards town, and hopefully to get everything you would need.

“I’ve got to tell the boys I’ll be leaving. You go on, and get in the truck,” walking outside with your eyes focused downward, you walk towards his truck. Trying not to look at the boys from the church, but they are most definitely looking at you.

Staring so intently they don’t notice Ari walking right up to them, and Jacob looks too long for Ari’s comfort, “What’s she doing here?”

“I took your advice. She’ll be keeping the house up.”

“Like a wife?” Jacob removes his hat, continuing to stare at you casually getting in his truck. Your eyes are still downcast, and your unmoving face still looking straight ahead and not at the boys. “So her parents agreed to this, and she’s just getting in your car.”

“I just met her and you’re talking about wives. No, I’m taking her to town to get the things she’ll need here. You boys continue to do the work, and I’ll return,” he nods to each of them, and they all gawk as he walks towards the truck, and you give them one solid glance, and they return to their work. Not making it too obvious that they are looking at you.

Opening the truck door, you watch as his thick body hops in. Looking at his legs, and how thick they look sitting down, and you weave your fingers together. Looking down at your own lap when Ari looks towards you, “You seem uncomfortable.”

“They are watching us, Mr. Levinson.”

“Should you not be in the truck with me? And please, call me Ari.”

“You’ll find out soon enough that for a community that teaches against gossiping, they will truly gossip. Carry on,” getting out of the sight of the farm, you feel comfortable enough to sit up. The gossip will always happen, you just learned to accept that. Continuing to glance at him, and you can’t stop. It’s unexplainable, but you aren’t the only one.

His dark blue orbs find a way to look towards you, and even smirks, “Do you only ever wear the dress and bonnet?”

“Just when I’m awake. Why?”

“Is it comfortable?” Not really. But it could be worse.

“It’s not uncomfortable,” you can’t truly be honest. So you feel.

“I see. But you don’t particularly enjoy it,” at least he understood what you meant. “So the women here, they’re job is to learn to keep a house, and then you marry off and do just that?”

“Yes,” it makes it sound so simple, and you almost want to curse what a quaint life you live. You weren’t given the opportunity to have dreams or want more. The dream was to marry, have kids, have your own home. You even wonder if your desires to marry was because you were told that’s what you did.

“Hmm,” he contemplates, paying attention to the road even though he’s more interested in your thoughts on this topic. You didn’t seem to have the same goals as the other people here.

“It’s not a horrible life.”

“I guess not.”

“It has its perks,” you argue. “It’s beautiful out here. We have the ability to ignore the noise that everyone else surrounds themselves in. I might not have the luxury of having my own dreams, but being a wife and mother, and keeping a house up is an honorable life,” it was, if not boring in ways. You never had the chance to explore something more.

“I didn’t say it wasn’t. But you’re not married. Is there a reason?” You turn to look at him. Actually, look. Had there been a man in the community that looked like him, you might have considered it. This is just silly because now you’re being someone who judges another based on looks. “You don’t have to answer.”

“My father isn’t like most,” you have a good father. Older than most of the ones who had children your age. “I think a part of him didn’t want to see me unhappy. I had a few interested for my hand in marriage, but I didn’t want them, and he didn’t make me Mary them.”

“Why didn’t you want them?”

“It’s easy for men here to get away with their indiscretions. And I don’t want to marry out of duty, or have to bear children with a man I can’t stand to look at. That’s what they all want. Just a wife and her to birth his last name.”

“You mean sex. It’s what most men want.”

“Sex?” You look at him confused, shaking your head, “No, I mean children. Extending your legacy,” Ari chuckles, giving you a devious smile, and your chest constricts. “What?”

“Do you know what sex is?”

“I…I assure you that we’ve been talking too much,” you gulp, wishing that you could arrive in town faster. You aren’t sure what he’s talking about, but you are sure that you feel like you’re going to combust. There is a thickness in the cab that you can’t explain. A fiery pain that settles below your stomach, and…other places.

“So you don’t?”

“Ari, is this an appropriate conversation?”

“I’m assuming that it’s not, judging by your reaction, but I am now curious. Do you know how bearing children comes to happen?”

“I live on a farm, I’m well aware of how breeding works,” he snorts, and you turn to face him quickly, “What is so funny?”

“That you’re referring to it as breeding. I suppose that’s true, but with humans it can be so much more.”

“What does that mean?” The truck drifts to the side of the dirt road, and your thumbs twiddle nervously. The air becomes even thicker when he leans in closer to you. “Ari?”

“I’ll take it easy on you this time,” what does that even mean? Putting the truck into park, he faces you. “Has anyone, man or woman just made everything in your belly float around? Like there’s this weirdness inside of you, pricking your skin whenever they’re around, and your throat dries up, and you can’t talk, and…”

“Your belly feels empty like you need something to fill something inside of you,” Ari clears his throat, looking down at your lap, watching as your thighs twitch around.

“Yes. Exactly like you need to be filled with something.”

“I feel — have felt that way,” you agree, trying not to let him know that it is in fact him making you feel that way. “But it doesn’t always seem pleasant when the animals mate.”

“I assure you if a man knows what he’s doing it can be very pleasurable to you,” a noise you have never heard before squeaks out of your mouth, and you look down at your lap again. Heat didn’t even describe what you are feeling. A roaring fire or volcano getting ready to erupt, and the need to go to the bathroom to clean yourself is more accurate. What is going on with your body?

“If he knows what he’s doing he can take you to another plane of existence,” Ari has been in this odd town for a few weeks, and not so much as glanced at a woman since. Judging by your reaction you are understanding exactly what he is talking about. He adjusts his pants, turning back to look straight ahead. He is also getting uncomfortable, but not because of you. His uncomfort is himself. Hopefully for the same reasons you appear to wiggle around too much.

“The way he could make you feel without ever — entering your body. It's a pleasure beyond your wildest dreams. Learning another person’s body can be fun. It can be paradise.”

“Should we be having this conversation?”

“Probably not. So maybe we keep it to ourselves, and I’ll buy you something besides that dress to wear?” The ideas he has mulling in his mind of what he could put you in, he’s downright ashamed of.

“I could only wear them inside your house.”

“I was only wanting you to wear them for me anyways, Darling,” fuck. He’s fucking fucked. A quick flash of you submissively getting to your knees as he paints your lips with precum comes to his mind. Your mouth slowly opens as you innocently let his cock breach your lips. Looking so pretty as you stare up at him. Fuck.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

Next

Masterlist

Taglist: @tis-thedamn-season @marveloustaylortot @pono-pura-vida @peaches1958 @seitmai @smile1318 @andydrysdalerogers @cjand10 @midnightramyeoncravings @kmc1989 @pandaxnienke @rogersbarber @buckybarnesisdaddy @theinheriteddutchess

[zepskies]

❤️‍🩹 Life Update (And another BIG update...)

So I typically don't do this, but I just wanted to share something more personal with you guys.

Some of my friends on here already know this, but I've been going through a really rough time this summer, with an ongoing medical issue that has put me through multiple procedures and one surgical procedure last month in July. The issues all began the exact week I moved into a new apartment.

Then, just a few days after my surgery, I was let go from my job. I've been spending the last couple of months trying to recuperate, dealing with quite a lot of pain and discomfort, all while job hunting and writing stories to take my mind off it all.

I really wish I could tell you guys I'm in the homestretch of my recovery. I really thought I was! But, I just got some bad news this past Tuesday during a follow-up appointment. At best, I will need another surgical procedure. At worst, I'll need to be referred to another specialist for more answers.

I'm telling you all of this for a couple of reasons:

(And another big update below the cut!)

You've probably seen me even more active on here for the past couple of months. That's because Tumblr has been one of my main outlets, not just to distract my mind from what I've been going through, from the stress and anxiety, but also to engage more with my friends and followers. Trust me, your feedback, encouragements, comments and reblogs, tagging me on posts, and sending me fun asks has helped ease my mind. It's made me smile and laugh, even when I felt more like crying. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you! 💕💕

To potentially help offset some of my financial burdens, I'm working on creating a Patreon! I already have a Ko-Fi page, but I think Patreon will help me give back to you guys better while members support me in turn. It will be a simple monthly membership where you can get early access to my new stories and series chapters, early sneak peeks on new fic projects, some fun bonus content (like fic sequels and bonus drabbles), priority on fic requests, and more!

So stay tuned, because that's coming very soon. 😘💜

Tagging some of my lovely mutuals and readers who've made my day brighter:

@luci-in-trenchcoats @talltalesandbedtimestories @deans-spinster-witch @kaleldobrev @dean-winchester-is-a-warrior

@deansbbyx @artyandink @tofics @deanbrainrotwritings @iamsapphine

@spnwoman @kayleighwinchester @spnbabe67 @thatonewriter15 @jessjad -- and many, many others! 💗

[hwaslayer]

project: make you love me (jyh) | sixteen.

♣︎ spotify playlist | series masterlist

—summary: yunho can’t stand how you’re so wrapped up in the notorious campus fuckboy, park seonghwa. he would gladly love you the way you deserve, despite being shy, awkward and the complete opposite of seonghwa. thus, when he finds himself spending more time with you over literature reviews and random study sessions, he decides to take on the challenge to win you over.

—pairing: jeong yunho x f. reader

—genre: (18+ - minors dni) strangers/friends to lovers, college au | fluff, angst, smut

—word count: 3.6k

—chapter content/warnings: cussing/mature language, seonghwa, physical fighting, mingi calling his friend out on his stupidity, crying, sorry if i missed anything.. quickly edited this lol, yunho is just mad and overwhelmed with his feelings rn 😭

yunho: baby

yunho: wait at the science building later, please? i'll come get you so we can walk to my car together

you: okee ☺️

yunho: ☺️ see you later? enjoy the rest of your classes

you: you too, my bighead!

Yunho smiles at his phone before tucking it away, slowly following Yeosang to their group study session.

"Should I even ask why you're smiling like that?" Yunho looks up at Yeosang and chuckles.

"Just Y/N."

"Of course. Is she in class?"

"Yup. She's in the back row being all distracted."

"Perfect way to pass time in my honest opinion." Yeo clears his throat. "I've been meaning to ask you out of curiosity."

"What's up?"

"Have you guys told each other 'I love you' and everything?" 

"Mm, no. Not yet at least."

"Not yet?" Yeosang smiles. "You feel that way for her, don't you?"

"I do. I just.. I don't know? I don't know if it's too soon. What if I scare her off?"

"Nah, doubt that. You can't put a timer on these things."

"True. Plus, it sounds cliché and like it's out of a movie, but I truly wanna wait 'till it feels right to say it to her."

"That makes sense."

"Trust me, I really do feel that way for her." He lets out a breath as they look towards the library building, the sun from behind slightly blinding them as they approach the doors. "She has literally become my bestfriend. It's crazy how life works."

"I know. I remember when you first told me you were helping her out for literature." Yeosang chuckles. "Or when you'd save her in the back lot."

"Still can't believe that was even real." Yunho does a tiny head tilt. "He's really something."

"What was up with Y/N's birthday thing? How did he even know?"

"I don't know. Word gets around fast. Why wouldn't Seonghwa know? Especially since it has to do with Y/N."

"Can't wait till the day he leaves you two alone. Must be fucking annoying to deal with."

"I try not to mind it. Though, I think he's been getting bolder lately and I can't put my finger on it."

"Has Y/N said anything?" He shakes his head.

"No. Maybe I'm just overthinking. She just seemed a little weird about him at her birthday party."

"Well, yeah. It's Seonghwa." Yeosang waves at their study group sitting at the far end of the library in the loud section.

"Yeah, but, I don't know. It was different. She seemed bothered about something but she hasn't told me anything. I assume it's not a big deal."

"Hm. Well, I'm sure it's not either. Just Seonghwa being himself, maybe."

"Mm, whatever though." Yunho greets the study group as they approach the table. "She's my girlfriend now, and that won't change." Yeosang gives him a small smile before they settle with the group and begin their long study session together.

"Remember, we have a test next class. Make sure you study everything I included in the study guide. Don't skip on anything just because you think it's a minor detail! Nothing is minor!" Your professor says before dismissing the class. You let out a sigh, already stressing over the next test. You didn't do bad on the first test, but you also didn't do the greatest. Thankfully, you're still at a good point in the semester, which gives you enough time to pull your grade up.

Once the initial rush of people leaving the classroom dies down, you pack up your things and head out the door. You hurry out of the classroom and down the steps, excited to see your boyfriend after yet another long day. For a split second, the building is crowded with other students leaving their classes and heading to their next destination— whether it be the next class, the library or to their cars. It's a sudden swarm of people that you don't even realize Seonghwa had stepped out of his own class, following you down the corridor.

"Y/N." You hear Seonghwa's voice behind you. You try to mind your own business, subtly rolling your eyes as you walk out of the science building to reunite with Yunho. 

Except, he isn't exactly there yet and Seonghwa grabs you by the wrist.

"Y/N." He repeats, turning you to face him.

"What are you doing?" You question him.

"Just a second." You let out a loud, heavy sigh. "Why are you being like this?"

"Like what?"

"Like you ignoring me. You haven't answered any of my texts or calls—"

"Why do I need to?" You raise a brow. "You're not actually serious, right? I have no reason to respond to you, Seonghwa. Don't you have places to be, people to see?" You pause. "Don't you realize you're a little too late? This was something I needed from you way before. I don't need it from you now."

"I know it's late, but I don't wanna give up on this."

"This? This has been done for a long time, you and I both know that. You're only worried about losing the only safety blanket you've ever had. Why can't you just move on and let me be happy?"

"Happy?" Seonghwa almost scoffs. "With him? Okay, baby." He shakes his head. "Listen. Enough of this for real. Can you please just hear me out, I'll explain and apologize properly—"

"Seonghwa, stop calling me that. What don't you understand about no?" You say almost at a whine, his hand still having a grip on the edge of your wrist. You truly don't want to entertain this, but Seonghwa almost gives you no way out, no way around his bullshit, and unfortunately, that'll be the root of everything that unfolds tonight. Yunho is happily [and eagerly] making his way down to you after the long, heavy study group session, while Yeosang decides he's gonna stay behind in order to hit the gym and get his workout in. Yunho is a few minutes late, but he knows you'll still flash him that beautiful, million-watt smile he adores so much before wrapping your arms around him.

He can't wait.

But, Yunho slows in his steps just as he's close to the front doors; familiar voices filling the surprisingly empty, quiet space.  It's you, and he already feels himself boiling with anger when he hears who else is occupying your time right now.

"Why haven't you even said anything about the flowers and the card I gave you? Did you even get them?" Yunho overhears Seonghwa ask you, and he furrows his brows. What flowers and card? You don't answer right away, and Seonghwa is quick to follow up. Yunho doesn't even get to hear your response about it and the most upsetting part of all this— is that this is how he finds out about everything.

Not from you, but from Seonghwa.

"You couldn't even send me a text? I was worried you didn't get it. I wanted to talk to you afterwards."

"What is there to talk about?"

"Yeah, what is there to talk about?" You and Seonghwa turn towards Yunho, who stands there with his hands dug deep into his pockets. His jaw is slightly clenched, head titled to the side while he waits for a response. Seonghwa lets out a pathetic chuckle, hand slipping down your wrist as he fully faces him.

"Loverboy sounds upset over a little talk."

"A little talk? Is that an add-on for the flowers and card you sent her?" Yunho sounds more stern, more angry. You can't even blame him, but at the same time, it's unusual for you to hear him this way. You're not sure what could come out of this and you don't necessarily want to find out.

"I'm sorry, should I have sent you some, too?" Seonghwa steps closer to him and the panic starts to settle in for you. You wish someone, anyone, was around to help. Because although you don't think Yunho will let this blow out of proportion, you aren't 100% about your answer. You're not sure how Yunho manages his anger in these situations and you're not sure what triggers him; what tips him over the edge and is the 'cherry on top.' Seonghwa has always rubbed him the wrong way and you don't think this could end remotely pretty. "I'll take note of that for next time so you don't have to sit there and stare at Y/N's."

How you wish Seonghwa had just gotten the point. Why couldn't he just let you be? Why was he out to ruin your happiness so badly?

"Seonghwa. This is done. Let it go." You warn him, but it doesn't clear anything. You aren't getting through to any of them.

"Back up. I'm not asking." Yunho clenches his jaw as he comes face to face with Seonghwa, making him give off a small scoff.

"Aw. Loverboy's mad—" And that's exactly the tipping point for Yunho. He's not sure why, he usually has a lot of patience. He usually brushes things off easily, doesn't hold a grudge or stay angry for long. But, Seonghwa? He was a different story, especially because of the history you have with him. Every little thing about Seonghwa pisses him off— down to the way he moves, breathes, acts like he can always get his way so easily, so quickly. Before he can even think about the consequences, or how you'd feel, Yunho swings at him, making Seonghwa stumble backwards. 

"Yunho!—" You gasp, Yunho's initial punch is pretty rough that it had Seonghwa in shock before being able to register what just happened.

"Fuck you—" Is all Seonghwa spits out before going at Yunho. The two continue to go at it, pushing and gripping at each other's shirts, rough attempts at landing punches;

They're almost successful with tearing each other's heads off until you step in between and get involved.

"Stop!" You step in between to try and prevent the fight from escalating even more. "Stop it!" You push Seonghwa back when he tries coming for Yunho, a campus security guard dashing towards all of you to completely break up the scuffle.

"Knock it off! The hell are you two doing acting like this on campus? I suggest you two part ways now before we call the cops over!"

"Yo, what the fuck?!" Mingi comes from around the corner, grabbing at Seonghwa's arm to pull him back. "The fuck are you doing, dude?" He looks at his bestfriend in disbelief.

"Why don't you ask your friend who fucking started it—"

"Me?" Yunho spits, while Seonghwa wipes the blood at the corner of his lip. "I wouldn't have had to if you just knew how to back the fuck off!" Yunho is angry, continuing to raise his voice. "Let me catch you sending shit to my girlfriend one more time and see what the fuck I'll do—" 

"Yunho." You say softly, tugging back at his arm.

"Are you serious?" Mingi looks at Seonghwa. "You don't go messing around with people's relationships, Hwa. You need to let this go, you look crazy!" 

"Oh, so all of a sudden you're sticking up for your friend?"

"Yeah, because he is my friend and it's just shit you don't do! What the fuck don't you understand about that?! You fucking deserved that shit!" Mingi shakes his head before pushing Hwa forward, pulling him off to the side to continue talking to him. 

"Babe." You turn to Yunho after Mingi and Seonghwa create good distance, hand coming up to cup Yunho's cheek. But, he turns, slightly shaking his head at you. You pull your hand back and feel your heart drop, the look in Yunho's eyes being one that you've never experienced before.

Sadness, hurt, anger. 

Mostly sadness, hurt.

"What flowers was he talking about, Y/N?" His chest is still rising at a somewhat uneven pace, doing his best to calm down after the adrenaline rush.

"H-he left them at my doorstep after we came back from the snow. I'm really sorry, Yunho, I didn't tell you because I tossed it out and—"

"But still, it's the fact that you didn't tell me after all this time." Yunho's brows are tightly knitted together, and the look causes your heart to sink even deeper. "Why did you have to let me find out this way? Were you going to tell me about this too if I hadn't come right away?"

"I just didn't get around to telling you because I didn't think it would matter— Seonghwa doesn't matter."

"If he didn't, then wouldn't you be able to tell me without questioning it so much?"

"Yunho, no. I'm sorry, no." You repeat, tears pricking your eye lids. "I didn't mean for it to seem like that. I really didn't mean to hide this from you."

"Did you think about keeping them?"

"I—I, no. I thought—" Yunho hears you stuttering and his throat suddenly feels dry. Why can't you just tell him? Even if Seonghwa didn't matter to you, why couldn't you trust him enough to tell him? 

Why couldn't you feel comfortable enough to tell him?

"Be honest with me, Y/N. That's all I've ever asked. Did you or did you not think about it keeping it?" Silence. And god, it is the most gut-wrenching silence Yunho has ever endured.

Yup. Got it. 

The answer is clear.

You did think about Seonghwa. You thought about accepting the flowers as his apology, you thought about the possibility— even if it was for a brief, splitting second. Seonghwa did matter for one fucking second, and that's what bothers him.

"Yunho, please. I just thought—" You can barely get through your sentences.

"Did you, or did you not?"

"I thought about keeping it, but it was so stupid. I was just blinded for a second, and I realized it didn't matter to me. He doesn't matter to me. At all. I promise. Everything just caught me off guard." You try to grab for his hand but he steps back. "Yunho, it was all stupid. I tossed it out so quickly. I wasn't going to do anything, I wasn't going to text, nothing."

"But, why does it feel like after everything he's put you through, you still believe he'd genuinely change? Why does it feel like a part of you is still actually holding onto that?" Well, when Yunho says it to your face like that, you feel dumb. Not once did you ever think about running back to Seonghwa and leaving this behind. But, you were blinded in that quick second from your history with Hwa, being close and sharing moments for months. Asking Seonghwa for little gestures like this, for more attention; even though it was a ride, you still had history.

And yes, maybe at one point you wanted to be the girl that changed him.

But today, you can't even imagine going back to that point. Not after being with Yunho, not after the happiness he's brought you.

Not after you realize how much you genuinely and truly love Yunho. 

You don't wanna lose him.

This is all so stupid, and a huge misunderstanding. But, you're the only person to blame here— if you hadn't given Seonghwa the time of day, if you had just told Yunho right away without second-guessing it, if you hadn't hesitated; you wouldn't be here right now.

"I'm not!" Your tone raises and it sounds like a whine at this point. "I'm not, Yunho. Please."

"Look, tonight was a lot." He sighs, running his hand through his hair before wincing and looking down at his knuckles. "I was excited to see you after a long day, Y/N. I was really looking forward to being with you. I wasn't expecting all of this and honestly, I don't know what's worse? Stumbling upon all of this the way I did, or not knowing at all."

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. It was stupid and fucked up of me, and I'm sorry." You repeat, tears streaming down your cheeks.

"Maybe you just need to think about what you really want." Yunho shrugs. "I thought you were over the whole thing with Seonghwa, but clearly not if you're still considering on giving him the time of day."

"No, no, Yunho. Please don't. It's not that." You try to lace your hand with his, but he gently brushes it off with a shaky sigh. He doesn't wanna leave you. He never wants to be without you. But, tonight was a lot for him to handle, and it is overwhelming. He hasn't really felt this protective over someone. Of course, it's only natural since you're his girlfriend. He'll always protect you. It's just that Seonghwa brings something out of him that he doesn't necessarily like, and he wants it to be gone for good. It feels unhealthy and icky;

The anger, the frustration, the anxiety.

He hates it. And he doesn't want this to be a thing in your relationship. Plus, he still feels himself fuming with anger and he just can't possibly talk to you while he feels that way.

So yes, he's overwhelmed and he needs to get over this.

"No, seriously. You really should think about it. I know where I stand but I'm not so sure you do." He lets out another disappointed sigh. "I'll take you home, but we should probably just be in our own places tonight."

"Okay." You say close to a whisper, sniffling as you wipe away at your face. You don't even try to fight it anymore simply because you know Yunho needs his space right now. He begins to walk off with you slowly trailing behind, head hung low after everything that happened tonight. Everything happened so fast you're also having to process it all on this walk over to the lot. Suddenly, you're pulled out of your thoughts when you hear footsteps picking up behind you, followed by a familiar, deep voice.

"Yo, wait up!" Mingi says. "You good? I'm sorry about him, he's actually losing it."

"You're sorry? Mingi, when the fuck is your friend gonna grow up so that you're not apologizing on his behalf?" Mingi lets out a breath as his eyes dart from you, back to Yunho's. "Seriously. I don't mean to throw that your way, but it's not even just about tonight. Your friend knows no boundaries and that's crazy to me."

"I know, he's got things to sort through but that's his own problem now. I already told him multiple times. Me and San did." Mingi shakes his head.

"Doesn't take much to grow the fuck up and take ownership of your own fuck-ups once in awhile."

"Let him keep learning the hard way. He will, eventually. He deserved that tonight."

"He can try all he wants, nothing's gonna change between me and her. Hope he understands I'm not going anywhere after tonight."

"Of course." Is all Mingi could respond with because of course Yunho wouldn't go anywhere— why the fuck would he let Seonghwa get in the way? He shouldn't. And Seonghwa needs to know that. "Anyway, just wanted to see if you two were okay. For real." Yunho sighs.

"Mmyeah. Thanks." He responds as Mingi daps it up. "We're just gonna head home."

"Drive safely. Text me if you need me." Mingi gives you a small smile before running off to tend to his friends, San now also getting dragged into all his mess. 

The walk over is quiet, but Yunho still opens the passenger door for you when you finally get to his car. You hate the silence that falls between you two, but you understand Yunho is upset and needs his own time away from everything, from you, even. You can't help but cry even more into your hands when he pulls into the apartment lot, Yunho letting out a breath as he puts the car in park. He looks over at you and his heart breaks because he truly hates to see you cry, and he never wants to be the reason behind you being sad or hurt.

"Hey. Don't." He says softly, hands coming up to pry your own hands away from your face. He gently wipes the tears away, making sure no drop is missed. 

"I'm sorry, Yuyu." You repeat.

"I know, it's okay."  He says, even though right now, it's not.

"Is it?"

"Let's get you home, okay?" He just looks at you with a soft expression before unbuckling his seatbelt. He comes over to open your door, locking his car when you step out and slowly make your way to your apartment. When you get to the steps, you turn towards him with a small pout. Yunho pulls you into a hug and kisses the top of your head, wiping any remaining stragglers from staining your cheeks. He's not happy, but he's trying to send you off on a calm note— hoping this could at least ease you for the night. "Get some rest."

"I'll see you tomorrow, right?" He doesn't say anything before he pulls away and takes a few steps backwards. "Yunho." You call for him in that tone of yours that always makes him so weak.

"Y/N, please. I just need to shake this off. That's all. Goodnight." All you can do is simply walk away before running up the steps and into your apartment. Chaery is the only one home, cleaning her dishes after cooking a good meal for all of you to share.

"My love is home! I cooked!" She says happily, but her smile dies when she sees you set your bags down and cry into your hands. She drops everything and rushes over, throwing her arms around you while guiding you to the couch. "Hey, what's wrong? What happened?" She brushes the hair away from your face while you continue to cry. You don't respond for a bit, signaling for Chaery to just hold you and let you be.

You cry, and you cry.

Because you already miss Yunho, and you feel so dumb for overthinking the entire thing, for not being honest with him. It was a stupid mistake, but you hope Yunho knows you truly weren't out to hurt him. 

You hope he can forgive you and move past this— with you, together.

Because today and so on, he's all you want. You love Yunho, and there's no one else that completes you the way that he does.

♣︎ taglist: @s-nsanshine @soupbinlily @tyongff-ff @jiminiscricket @g1g1l @staytinyinmybpack @woomyteez @gfksz @bitchwhytho @savluvsmingi @thisisntmyrightera @hyukssunflower @miriamxsworld @tmtxtf @kuromibabe04 @lmnhead @carrietwrites @tournesol155 @persphonesorchid @txt-yaomi @mxnsxngie @h-nji @mundayoonimnida @jalapeno-princess @nakiiko @asjkdk @kunikku @idkwgoh @kyeos4ng @agust-d2 @araknoid @bintificreads @primoppang @betray-the-light @aurorasjoongie @wineyoungie @yunhotteokkk @yungigiggles @jaerisdiction @ignoretheskies @luminouskalopsia @naeviscall @vixensss @choisansplushie @arya9111 @my-lightspirit @dazednconfusion @astro-doll-the-star @faesmingi @idfkeddieishot @startinystay @emily505 @mgdixon @mcsalterego @cheynalexilaiho @svintsandghosts @mismatchfluffysocks

[itsclydebitches]

Don't mind me, everyone, just gonna slip on my Tedependent conspiracy hat for a bit...

Okay, for real though, can we talk about how Trent's backstory in 3x06 completely re-contextualizes his dinner with Ted in 1x03? Based on my own interpretation, the implied timeline is that Trent was married to a woman, attempted to come out to her and was dismissed (perhaps in large part because they were married: what do you mean you're gay? You can't be. You love me, etc.), either having his daughter forced Trent to become more honest about what he and his family needed, or they had her in an attempt to "fix" the marriage, she gets caught in the crossfire of all this, Trent comes out again, this time his wife believes him, they divorce, are still good friends, and their daughter is happier than ever because she has two loving parents who are now living their best lives.

Given her age - 3 at the start of the series, about 6 now - that means there's a decent possibility that Trent was still married at the beginning of the show.

And that his dinner with Ted is one of the things that pushed him to try coming out again.

As his core Ted is someone who is authentic and that authenticity is what catches Trent's interest. He's dismissive of it at first, literally thinking it's a "fucking joke," only to later end up with the revelation, "You really mean that, don't you?" - that Ted honestly enjoyed spending time with him. AKA, Ted says and does what he means, even when it seems completely unbelievable. How freeing must that be to see? I'm just imagining this interview-turned-dinner through the eyes of a man who is still unhappily married, mostly closeted, and struggling to help his daughter through the stress of that dynamic. Then he meets this sunshine of a coach who is so authentically himself that it initially comes across as an act, an exaggeration, a joke. But Ted never wavers, simply refuses to be anything other than himself. Soon he's doing even more than that, breaking down gender norms by characterizing the masculine, aggressive Roy Kent as the "little girl" from A Wrinkle in Time, burdened with the responsibility of leadership. He turns what should have been the end of a horrific day of shadowing into a dinner date and Trent finds himself answering the hard-hitting questions instead of his interviewee. Ted brushes off his accusation of greed with, "Wait, I'm supposed to be getting paid?" but Trent is completely caught off guard by Ted's "What do you love?"

The textual answer is "writing" and the fun fandom answer is "you," but if this is a Trent who still hasn't fully come out yet that's! A hell! Of a question!!! A closeted, queer individual's mind is going to jump to their biggest secret and, when offered an out, they're going grasp at it, so Trent eagerly agrees with Ted's guess of "writing" the same way Colin eagerly pulls the 'This is a gay bar? Haha, my mistake' card and makes a run for the door. Reading this interaction as Trent not just being gay, but potentially being closeted and unhappily married makes it less about the journalism (this strange coach likes me and thinks I can be a good person despite my invasive career choice) and more about his sexuality. Oh, no big deal, just having an intimate dinner with another good-looking man who's questioning me on love of all things and slowly inspiring me to be the best version of myself, which would require coming out to my wife again. This is a totally normal and not at all life-changing night! I definitely don't need to run away now!!

Via this reading Trent's article feels so loaded. Ted is "out there in the community" either "bravely or stupidly facing the music." That sounds a hell of a lot like a parallel to literally coming out and facing the music of a community's potential rejection, with Ted's American background/inexperience/unique personality acting as a stand-in for sexuality; the reasons he's labeled a "wanker" before anyone actually gets to know him - as the pub trio does while those very words are narrated by Higgins.

And then we have this:

"If the Lasso way is wrong, it's hard to imagine being right.... and though I believe that Ted Lasso will fail here... I can't help but root for him."

There are other elements at play here, like the football's celebration of ego and the threat of the club being relegated, but underneath it really sounds like a still-cynical Trent wanting to see the kind of changed world that those like Ted could bring about, but not really believing that it's possible. Given his history, is he really just talking about football when it comes to "the Lasso way"? I doubt it. Trent is potentially feeling trapped at this point in time, pessimistic to the point where yes, he still thinks that Ted will fail at football and creating a more inclusive, accepting community... but even still, Trent can't help but root for him. Of course he can't. He wants what Ted is offering. He needs it.

But then, of course, Ted succeeds! Not just in doing well by the club, but by the community as a whole. He maintains that inspiration and hope until, potentially, Trent felt like he could do something about his own situation. He found the nerve and strength to try again. So he comes out to his wife, they divorce, their daughter is happy, he goes on a date with a mustached man at the local pub, ditches him to try and 'interview' Ted, blows up his career because he realizes that his job is undermining the very thing he's been rooting for and he can't not give Ted a heads up, begins shadowing Ted as he looks for something "deeper," and then comes out to Colin, gazing wistfully across the water as he imagines being able to kiss a man after a win...

I'm not saying Ted Lasso is going to go there - and I'm DEFINITELY not saying there should be ANY accusations of queer baiting if/when they don't, because we've absolutely built the majority of this ship in fandom spaces - but I AM saying that if Trent's potential intersection of his history with Ted's influence and Ted's desire to shake things up while imagining bisexual triangles actually led to something... it would be a damn well done setup!

[cripplecharacters]

Hi, 

So, I have written expression disorder and dysgraphia, which means this might be a bit rambly or unclear but I’ll try my best to stay on as clear and as brief as I can. 

I’m currently writing a fanfiction for Wynonna Earp as a way to improve my writing skills without needing to stress about it. Background on the show: It’s a supernatural show based around a descendant of Wyatt Earp who was a legal officer in the wild west and got involved in a massive feud. It also has his friend Doc Holliday becoming immortal and being a love interest for the main character. The primary reason I’m doing this is because I dislike how they portrayed Doc Holliday in the series (often outright the opposite of the reality) and also because they just left out the fact he was disabled completely. Due to a gunshot wound when he was fairly young, probably along with weakness due to having tuberculosis for most of his adult life, which did eventually kill him, he used a cane part time. He also had a cleft lip and palate that was surgically corrected and he got surgery for it as an infant and had speech therapy, which doesn’t really seem to have impacted his adult life much in what I’m writing.

 I do have chronic pain due to an injury which was pretty bad when I was younger, so having a character who’s portrayed as dealing with that and continuing to be brave and selfless would have meant the whole world to me at that point in my life and still will. But as I was doing research I ran into a few things I knew very little about. 

My own disabilities are invisible, which means that I don’t have much experience with how people respond to seeing mobility aids. It would be interesting to show people’s responses, especially since he pretty famously took offense easily and didn’t leave things alone. There’s a fun scene there but I’m not sure what a common response to set it off would be. The biggest problem I have, that I haven’t been able to find a lot about: according to a medical article I read even when it’s cured people who had tuberculosis typically have some lung damage. I haven’t been able to find a lot on how that would impact someone day to day. He was cured of it magically but the idea of there still being damage makes sense based on the in universe rules and also someone being magically cured is generally considered not good. So how would it impact someone on a daily basis?

There’s some things in the research I did that make me think he was autistic (namely literal thinking to the point where he almost killed someone due to not understanding that a duel was meant to be a joke as a teen). Or maybe I’m just projecting because I am. Any ideas for how somebody who grew up in a time where nuerodivergence just wasn’t known would accommodate himself and be helped by friends? How would they understand it at that time?

How in general do friends respond to disabilities and try to help now?

There’s a few other things but they’re mainly just me being a beginner writer who doesn’t honestly. Thank you so much for reading through this even if you don’t end up responding!

[part 2] clarification: I meant the cleft palate wouldn't come up in what I'm writing because he's an adult and it didn't seem to have huge bearing on his adult life. I'm so sorry I left out part of that sentence in my ask bc I have a learning disability! didn't mean to! I'm so sorry and thank you again!

Hello!

People respond in many ways. In the modern west a lot of it involves random strangers being intrusive as shit ("what happened to you??") but in historical times I think it would be more of avoidance, especially if he has visible symptoms of tuberculosis. People still think that "visibly disabled person coughing = plague". If you're going for historical accuracy, it wouldn't really surprise me if strangers didn't want to sit next to him.

Long tuberculosis (affecting 25% of those who had TB) seems to be very similar to COPD, so the main day-to-day effect would probably be fatigue, being out of breath after physical exertion, etc. COPD is an incredibly common disability so you should be able to find a lot of info about it and how it can be managed.

Friends will also respond in many ways, and it also depends a lot on the disabled person. This guy sounds like the "hyper-independent physically disabled man" type and in my experience most of them don't talk about their needs much, especially not with the boys. In this case the accommodation is often just silently agreed on after spending some time together (e.g., after a few times going out they can see how annoyed he gets when they suddenly change plans so they learn to tell him as soon as they know, if he drops something they pick it up for him without saying anything since they know it's tiring for him to get up, etc.). If they know him well enough to know he takes offense easily they probably wouldn't bring up his inability to do something to not upset him and try to work around it instead.

I don't have enough historical knowledge to answer the second question, so I'll leave it to other mods. But I think it'd make sense if they just thought he was eccentric or weird rather than having a medical condition.

Hope this helps,

mod Sasza

Hello, thank you for your ask! In regards to the second question, it would depend on his symptoms, how well/if he could mask, and how other people view(ed) him.

I'm assuming he's level 1 / low support needs, as you don't mention him having a caretaker or difficulty doing tasks. Some of the examples include specific autistic traits that he may or may not have/used to have, they're mostly there to be examples. These are also assuming you're writing him as an adult only, if you want some info on how it would be like growing up during this time let us know!

Without good knowledge of autism, most people would think he's very strange if he cannot [fully] mask. Flat affect, lack of social understanding and other symptoms would make most allistic people uncomfortable, with responses ranging from thinking he's just weird [and would want to avoid him] to believing he's angry at them specifically [and would either want to avoid him or get aggressive themselves]. Most people will probably just see it as character quirks rather than symptoms of anything, or even think he's choosing to act the way he does. His friends would most likely be other neurodivergent people who either experience the same symptoms or don't have enough of a social understanding to realize he's not acting 'correctly' if he doesn't mask.

Unless his friends/family experience similar symptoms to him, they probably wouldn't understand why he does/reacts the way he does. This isn't to say they wouldn't try to accommodate him still, that moreso depends on the individual, but those who don't understand might try to push him to 'get over it' more than someone who gets it. Like Sasza said, over time his friends would be able to accommodate him by noticing what makes him upset/happy and how to help. 'Doc likes to keep his hands busy so I gave him my butterfly knife to spin' or ' the yelling in the hall was bothering him so I asked if he wanted to go to outside with me' could be ways of accommodating him without realizing, basically seeing his symptoms and trying to find an easy solution to help, wether or not they understand them. They could also give him unhelpful solutions while trying to accommodate, which would probably just further stress Doc if given in a stressful situation. Essentially unless he knows what helps and tells them it would be a guessing game for them [if he does that or his friend[s] respect it depends on them]. Try to think of his symptoms and what might be available at the time to help [like stim toys didn't exist back then but butterfly knives did, and ear defenders weren't a thing but he could walk away if needed].

As to how he'd accommodate himself, he wouldn't know words like 'stim' or 'overstimulated,' but if he doesn't care about/understand social norms he would be more likley to 'move in odd ways' or exit an upsetting area. A more socially conscious person might try to hide it, like using small tactile stims [i.e. rubbing a cloth or tapping his foot] or making excuses to leave an upsetting area. He might also be able to mask and try to just bear it, only unmasking around friends or in private.

Also the wiki said he was born in 1851 but died in 2020, and although autism would be named during his lifetime I'm not sure he would identify with it. The first medical documentation of autism was in 1877, and at the time it was called developmental [r-slur]. I doubt he'd want to identify with that, and even later on autism was only ever studied in children, and of course was not thought of well. It was thought to be caused by cold parenting or a form of psychosis/schizophrenia exclusive to children in the early to mid 1900's. For many, many years the only idea of autism he'd have would essentially be that. Because most studies at the time thought autism could be 'grown out of' [with exception to higher support needs people] he'd have lived most of his life at that point believing it was a child only disease. Even if he hadn't heard about autism until the late 1900's-early 2000's, it was still thought of as a stigmatized childhood disease by the public until recently [even by people today, hence the blog's existence]. If he's the type of character to be less set in his opinions at an old age then maybe later he could read on modern autism and identify with it, but I find older people tend to prefer dismissing disability for the sake of avoiding any change.

I hope this was at all helpful!

Mod Rot

[babymetaldoll]

Are you mine? - Chapter ten: "Hell and back"

Summary: The Reid family doesn't have time to deal with what just happened to Spencer, 'cause there is more trauma waiting for them and the rest of the team.    Word count: 4.490 Warnings: Criminal Minds trauma happening. Morgan gets hurt.  A/N: The hardest part about writing this whole book was the fact a bunch of bad things happened, to Spencer and the team. It really hurts to know it won't get easier soon... sorry. 

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(Y/N)'s point of view

Looking back at that moment, I think I enjoyed my second pregnancy way more than I did the first one. I wasn't freaking out most of the time, I felt more secure. Spencer was, as always, my prince charming. He helped with every craving, did all the chores I couldn't do, helped with Raven, and prepared a nursery in the spare room in our apartment.

- "We should start considering moving to a bigger place."- I commented as I walked into the room and found Spencer painting the walls in the lovely baby blue we had picked.- "We are kind of crowded here, imagine how it will be when the baby arrives."

- "Did you know moving is one of the three most stressful events in life?"- my husband asked almost shocked I had suggested moving. - "Statistically, over 45% of people consider it the most stressful event in life."- Spencer continued painting as he talked to me. I ran my hands down his shoulders and kissed his cheek.

- "Clearly, those people do not have our jobs."- he chuckled at my reply and looked at me with a sweet smile.

- "Do you like how the nursery is coming along?"

- "Very much. You have a lot of skills, Spencer Walter Reid."

- "Yes, I do, Mrs. Reid."- he stood up, left the roller on the tray, and wrapped his arms around me. - "How are you feeling today?"

- "Like I'm baby Reid's yoga gym."- my answer made Spencer chuckle as he carefully placed a lock of hair that fell in my face behind my ear and kissed the top of my nose.

- "You are a lovely gym."

- "Thank you."- Spencer hummed in contentment as I held him close to my body and kissed his neck. - "But we should start considering getting a house."

- "I know."- he whispered, his words muffled against my body.- "But... I don't..."

- "You don't wanna leave 'cos there are too many memories here you don't wanna forget?"- I murmured and played with Spencer's hair as I felt him nodding.- "You know you have an eidetic memory. It's not like you are gonna forget anything so easily."

- "I know. But you know how I feel about change. It's... hard."- Spencer pouted as he looked at me, and his sweet eyes looked at me with love and a dash of fear.

- "Nothing's gonna change if we move from this apartment. Except maybe we won't be so crowded."- I teased him playfully and he chuckled.

- "I wanna give you everything you want. If you want to move to a house, I wanna do it for you. I wanna be able to give you the house of your dreams."- his words touched me and nearly brought tears to my eyes. I had to bite my lips as I stared at him in silence, nodding at his words.

- "The house of my dreams is any place I live with you and our babies."- my words brought a big smile to Spencer's lips and eyes. A smile that was interrupted by the sound of my cell phone.

- "Please don't tell me we have a case."- my husband murmured as I walked out of the room. Raven was watching a movie in the living room and coloring a book.

- "No, it's my mom. She and my Dad are coming for dinner. Hey mom!"

I wish I could tell you Spencer got better at dealing with changes. But he didn't. It has always been hard for him. There are things you can be prepared for to change, like our kids. We both know they are gonna grow up, move out and be independent. We know that and we have made peace with that thought. But there are things you never see coming. Things that hit you, like a blow on the face, and that make you reconsider everything you think you believe in.

And guess what? That's what happened next.

The following Wednesday we were at the office when Garcia announced we had a case. I was sitting at my desk going through some paperwork and eating the third orange of the day. I was going through a very citrus stage30 weeks into pregnancy. Oranges and lemons were my regular cravings.

Morgan looked nervous when he met us in the conference room. He walked in with Rossi, and Garcia started briefing us in no time. Twenty minutes later, I was calling my mom to tell her we were on our way to Los Angeles to catch another serial killer.

Morgan didn't only look nervous during the debriefing, he was anxious the entire time. During the flight, he was constantly checking on his phone, frowning. It wasn't until we were ready to go back home, later that very same night, that Rossi explained to me that Savannah had asked him "to talk". And knowing Morgan as well as I do know him, it was clear he was overthinking everything and anything that he might have done wrong to upset his girlfriend. That man was whipped. That was something I sweetly reminded him of every time he tried to make fun of my husband for loving me so much.

I was just talking with Spencer about that on our way to pick up Raven from my mother's when we got a call from Hotch. My stomach turned into a knot right away. We had just finished a case, that wasn't a good sign.

- "Morgan was taken."

And I was sadly right. It was something incredibly bad.

Spencer's point of view

Things I can't stop thinking about the day Morgan was taken. I drove us to the crime scene as fast as possible and none of us said a word the entire car trip. (Y/N) just landed her hand on my tight and kept it there, caressing me from time to time, as a way to reassure me she was there for me.

I also remember getting out of that car and nearly shoving the police force, desperate to see and know what had happened to my best friend. My wife held my arm and stopped me, as she did all the talking. I was too worried to be even polite. The entire time I felt I was reliving the day Prentiss was taken from us.

JJ got there a few minutes later and ended up talking with the cops as we checked our surroundings and Derek's car. There I found a packet I immediately took and turned to my wife.

- "Let's go back to the BAU."

Savannah was locked talking with Rossi when we got there. Hotch walked down the stairs and stared at us with a stern glance. It was obvious we were all still in the dark about what was happening and why.

- "What did you find?"- Hotch asked as he stood in front of us.

- "No sign of him. But they left this in his car at the parking lot."- I said as I handed it to him.

- "How is Savannah?"- (Y/N) asked, trying and failing to catch a glimpse of her in the office.

- "She is being brave."- Hotch whispered.

- "Poor thing, I'm sure she is going crazy."- my wife replied, mostly to herself and it wounded me to know she actually understood how Savannah was feeling. And I never wanted to put her under that pain again.

- "Could she tell you anything?"- JJ asked, which I knew was the right thing to ask 'cos we had a case to solve, but yet, it felt cold considering the circumstances.

- "She said she thought she heard three attackers and that Morgan sounded drugged before they cut off the call."- Hotch explained and we all nodded.

- "Then it's a coordinated, planned attack, most likely professional."- JJ pointed out the obvious and (Y/N) took the thoughts from my mind as she said.

- "We did just take down a network of online hitmen, but if this is blowback, why Morgan?"

- "We have to assume that we're all targeted."- Hotch's words felt like a stab. - "I've put protective details on each of our families, but I want Savannah to stay here."

(Y/N) gripped my arm as we heard those words. Just what we had always been scared of. Risking our daughter's well-being because of work.

- "It's just until we know what is going on."- Hotch assured us as I wrapped an arm around my wife, trying to calm her down. Something I knew was impossible to do under those circumstances.

- "I'm gonna call mom."- (Y/N) whispered and we nodded. Hotch asked me to ask Rossi to meet us in the conference room 'cause Penelope had some updates, so I knocked on his door and slowly showed in my head. Savannah was pacing inside the office, as scared and nervous as I expected to see her.

- "Garcia needs us."- I waited for Rossi to leave his office and walked in. Savannah was still standing in the middle of it, trying to put herself together.

- "I'm sorry."- I whispered as I looked at her.- "I swear we are going to find him and bring him back."- I added as her eyes watered up. I took a few steps closer and wrapped my arms around her, carefully. She reciprocated and sobbed on my shoulder for a few seconds.

- "Thank you."- I heard her whisper and I nodded silently.

- "Hey Sav."- (Y/N) said from the door.- "Can I get you anything?"- Savannah just shook her head and I walked to stand next to my wife.

- "Just get him back soon."

- "We are doing our best."- I answered immediately as I grabbed (Y/N)'s hand and we slowly started walking to the conference room.

How were we going to deal with Morgan's abduction? I had no idea. Not considering Hotch's words: all our families could be targeted. And I refused to think my job was jeopardizing Raven's safety.

- "This is the block Derek was taken from."- Garcia pointed at the screen. - "That blue dot is him. And then at 9:23, we lost him. So I checked all the other cell signals in the area. They're all legit, aside from one that I was only able to find thanks to some technology no one outside this room needs to know about."

- "What is that?"- I asked, trying to understand what Garcia was implying.

- "An encrypted signal most likely bouncing off a satellite."- Hotch explained simply.

- "I know we're thinking this would be tied to our Darknet investigation, but satellite encryption is much higher in technology than most online crimes."

- "That's true, but the hitmen are still our best lead. We need to exhaust that before we move on to other theories."- Hotch added immediately and then turned to my wife. - "JJ, you (Y/N), and Garcia will take an armed agent to Savannah's house and get her to pack a bag."

- "Yes, sir. Absolutely. But why me?"- Pen questioned, confused.

- "Because while she gathers her things, you are going to see if they were under surveillance."- (Y/N) explained immediately as Hotch nodded and added.

- "Whoever's behind this has been planning this for weeks, if not months. We have no time to catch up. Let's move."

(Y/N)'s point of view

As Penelope checked the local routers and did her computer magic and JJ talked with the neighbors, I helped Savannah pack a few things to take back to the BAU.

Ok, the concept of "helping" could have been a little too generous of me, I was too pregnant to stay on my feet for too long, but let's say I was with her as she packed, and gave her all my moral support.

- "Are you sure you should be working?"- Savannah asked as she grabbed some things from the bathroom.

- "We are not turning this to me. How are you doing with all this?"

- "I hate the fact I live with a profiler and I know things about these cases."- she whispered and shook her head as she opened another drawer and grabbed a sweater. - "I just need to put those thoughts aside and focus on Derek. He is coming back. He has to come back."

- "Of course he will. He is one fucking tough nut to crack. I'm sure he is kicking ass as we speak."- I tried to be as positive as possible, knowing the hell my friend was going through. And I guess that's exactly what she was thinking, 'cos she carefully sat on her bed, next to me, and sighed.

- "Who do you do it?"

- "Do what? Stay positive?"

- "No. How do you deal with Spencer facing all these... threats day after day?"

I sighed and held her hand. There was nothing I could say that could help her process everything she was going through. So I just told her my experience. My dark and painful experience.

- "Sav, like ten years ago, Spencer was abducted, tortured on camera, and drugged for over three days. And during that time, I was a monster. I couldn't think right, I didn't sleep, couldn't eat, and yelled at every single team member that came across my path. Trust me when I tell you I know exactly how you feel."- her eyes wide opened as she heard the short version of some of the darkest days of my life. - "There is nothing I can tell you that might help you deal with this except my promise: we won't give up until he is back. 'Cause he is our family, and we are not going to rest until we bring him home."

- "I'm... I'm pregnant."- Savannah whispered and broke into tears. I wrapped my arms around her and though I wanted to tell her congratulations, it felt like it was the wrong timing.

- "Hey, hey, this is great news. Morgan is going to be so excited when you tell him."

- "I just don't know if I'll be able to tell him."

- "Come on! Don't lose hope in us yet."- I cut her a smile as she wiped the tears off her face. - "You are gonna be an amazing mother, Sav."

- "Thank you, (Y/N)."- I cut her a short smile and ran a hand through my very big belly.

- "I'm glad I'm not gonna be alone in this, we can schedule playdates."- her eyes shone at the idea and it made me feel better to give her a little break from all the pain and angst she was going through.

- "Please don't tell anyone yet."

- "Of course not."

- "Guys?"- JJ's voice downstairs ended our little moment. Savannah grabbed her bag and I helped gather a few more things before we went downstairs.

- "Bags already"- I announced as I saw her standing in the lobby with another agent, who was escorting us.

- "Hey. So I just talked to your neighbors."- JJ announced - "They didn't see anything, and I didn't find anything forensic outside."

- "So, they weren't peeping at us through our windows? Thank God for that, I guess."- Savannah sort of joked as walked to Garcia and rested my hands on her shoulders.

- "That means you are our only hope, Pen."

- "I'm finishing my diagnostic now, munchkin and I think I have something."- Garcia turned to Savannah and asked - "Do you have a wireless router on your DVR?"- like it was the first thing you know about your house.

- "Uh, I think so?"

- "Ok. They used it as their back door. And then the encrypted phone call, this is the hacking version of that same thing, and..."- she made a short pause and gasped, shocked. Shit, that wasn't good.- "Oh, man, they were all up your business."

- "Was it the same unsubs?"

- "My money says yes, but what's weird is they used an intranet."

- "What is that?"- Sav asked, confused.

- "It's a private closed system. They use a portal to a public page."- Pen asked in the simplest way she could, and just like that, the CIA homepage appeared on the screen in front of us.

- "Will someone explain why the CIA would abduct Derek?"- Savannah questioned and none of us knew how to answer that just yet.

No one slept that night. Sav was in Rossi's office, pacing nonstop and drinking herbal tea. We took turns to keep her company, me, and Garcia. Spencer tried to push me into sleeping, but he knew none of us could have more than an hour of sleep under those circumstances. We were all worried sick. And it didn't get any better the following morning when we finally found out who had taken out friends.

Short version of the facts: a group of freelance mercenaries, who specialized in taking up jobs that involved abducting and torturing victims to extract sensitive information out of them, had taken Morgan. Why? They were hired by Chazz Montolo to target Derek, the one SSA he blamed for the death of his son, Giuseppe.

The fucking Dirty Dozen was still hunting our team. Even from beyond the grave.

Spencer's point of view

I could see the exhaustion on the team's faces as we sat across the table. It was around four in the morning, none of us had closed an eye. (Y/N) was sitting next to Rossi, and she kept caressing her belly as I stood by her side, resting my hands on her shoulders, trying to give her some comfort. I don't think I could promise her everything was going to be ok, 'cos at that point, and at that hour, it's always hard to stay positive.

Until Pen rushed in, holding her computer, and nearly yelling.

- "I may have a line on !! I just got notification from Fort Eustis!"- we all turned to her as she sat at the table, hyperventilating as she explained. - "That encrypted SAT phone, it became active again and we managed to pin down one side to here. It is a 20-mile radius in Virginia. The other side was to a contractor who didn't even bother not to use his own cell phone."

- "Arrogant. He thinks we can't find him."- Rossi pointed out as we all stared at the screen.

- "And he would be wrong."- Pen added as she kept typing as fast as possible. - "He being John Bradley, not S.A.S. as we had suspected. Bradley and Mr. Who Dares Wins tried to become S.A.S., but they couldn't cut it, not to mention people who are S.A.S. don't get tattoos saying S.A.S. because S.A.S. is covert. That is the point. But apparently, people who are dishonorably discharged from the British Royal Marines do get that tattoo."

- "Pen, breath."- (Y/N) caressed her arm as she cut her a short warm smile, doing her best to help Garcia process everything that was going on.

- "Thank you, munchkin..."- Garcia whispered.

- "Your last ping has him in Derek's direction. He's probably on his way to him now."- I said, my eyes glued to the screen. I could feel the anticipation, the need to end whoever was hurting my brother. We had to save him.

- "We've got helos on the roof standing by for immediate transport."- Hotch added as JJ asked.

- "Any way we can narrow down the search?"

- "Yes."- Garcia replied with satisfaction- "Their encryption algorithms are dust. If and when that SAT phone connects, I've got him."

Not even five seconds later, there was a beep, someone had picked up the phone.

- "Sir... it went live."- Garcia announced, with a shake of fear and hope in her voice.

I ran to the elevator and pushed the button. The team stepped in as I turned around and looked at my wife, standing next to Garcia. I ran back to her, cradled her face, and kissed her lips gently and quickly.

- "We'll bring him back, chipmunk. I swear."

- "Please be safe."- she replied, angst written all over her face, and I just nodded.

- "Hurry up, Reid"- JJ called from the elevator. I ran and pushed the button to close the door, locking eyes with my wife as I nodded at her one more time, sealing my promise. We were bringing Morgan back.

A helicopter took us to the location. During the entire ride, all I could think of were all the moments I had shared with Derek and who, despite all odds, he had become more than just my best friend, he was my brother. He teased me, took care of me, joked with me, and even tried to be my wingman a few times before I had the nerve to face my true feelings for a certain team member.

- "I just wanna tell her I love her. I need to tell her what I feel for her 'cos now I can see there might be a chance she loves me too!"- I was drunk, drinking whisky with Morgan at a random bar, finally openly facing my feelings for (Y/N). The scene didn't stop replaying in my head, 'cos it was a very important moment of my life he had been a crucial part of.

- "Might be a chance?"- Morgan frowned and shook his head- "Kid, that woman is head over feet in love with you. And she has been for years. I just can't believe you've wasted all these years!!"

Morgan had been there the entire time I had worked at the BAU. He had taught me how to kick doors (a skill very much needed as an SSA agent if you ask him), he taught me how to flirt, or at least he tried, and he supported me every single time I needed it. For Christ's Sake! He had taught me how to play baseball as soon as the doctor said me and (Y/N) were having a boy. He had tried once when he needed a player for an FBI match, but that last time I asked him for help 'cos I wanted to be able to share nice memories with my kids.

- "Ok, you see my hips? See my hips? You swing right through, nice and easy. All right, come on. You give it a try."- Morgan made it look like it was the easiest thing in the world, but hitting that ball with that base had to be the hardest task I had ever had to face.

- "I know you are trying to make it easy, but trust me, this is not gonna work."- I argued as I walked to the base to take position.

- "Hey, you asked for my help 'cos you wanted to teach your kids how to play baseball, so fucking learn to have fun, Reid."- he had a teasing smirk on his face, 'cos he knew no matter how much I argued, I wasn't going to quit. 'Cos it was something I wanted to do for my kids.

- "Believe it or not, most of my childhood sports memories aren't altogether pleasant."

- "Exactly, and you don't want your kids to go through the same, do you?"- I shook my head and took a deep breath.- "Good. Now grab the bat, get up there, and give it a try."

I followed his instructions and tried to imagine what playing with my kids would be like. I already enjoyed having Raven in my life, but now with a second baby, life was about to get even better, and louder. And Morgan wanted to help me make more special memories with them.

- "Get up there. You're gonna like this, kid. I promise."- he stared at me, a silly grin on his face. I could read it all over his features, how he was thinking about how far we had gotten together. So I smiled back at him and he nodded.

- "Here we go, Reid!"

- "Spence?"- JJ grabbed my hand and took me from my thoughts- "We are landing, are you ready?"

- "Yeah, let's bring Morgan back."

There was no way I was not gonna fight to bring him back to Savannah and the team.

The BAU and the SWAT team that was with us surrounded the entire cabin. I took the lead through the back door quietly and heard voices coming from the living room. I held my gun tight and tried to keep my head cold and in the moment. I couldn't miss. This was too important to overthink.

- "Wake!"- someone said as I walked slowly through the kitchen door and saw Morgan barely alive, bleeding on the floor. And he made eye contact with me for a moment, knowing I was there to save him.

- "Wake up. It's time to die."

- "Not yet."- Derek mumbled and before the murderer could hurt him, I pulled the trigger three times and ended him right there. Rossi and Hotch burst into the room and ordered medical assistance, as I rushed toward my friend and kneeled next to him. His right hand was stabbed against the table and he had lost a lot of blood. We all stayed by his side until medics came and took him to the ambulance. I couldn't leave his side as he mumbled incoherence, barely conscious.

- "What is it Morgan?"- I asked him and touched his arm carefully, just to let him know I was close.- "What is it?"

- "I'm scared, pop."- he replied and I froze. I was scared too. I didn't want to lose him.

The flight back to the BAU was quiet. I called (Y/N) before we took off and told her what had happened, making my best effort not to cry. She said she was driving Savannah to the hospital along with Garcia, and that she'd wait for me there.

- "Are you ok?"- JJ held my hands as I hung up the phone. I nodded as I kept staring at the space in front of me, lost in thoughts. The way they had treated Morgan, how they had clearly tortured him, it hurt. We had been fast enough to bring him back to his family on time, but only for a few minutes. What if he didn't make it? What if he had been hurt too badly?

- "Morgan is gonna be ok"- JJ said as she kept holding both my hands. I just nodded and didn't say a thing. She wrapped her arms around me tight as I did my best to keep myself together. I just wanted to be back with my wife and daughter and keep them safe forever.

Often, as you can see, I wonder why we didn't leave the BAU sooner. All the signs were there. Especially JJ's.

Next chapter

[praetorqueenreyna]

well i AM asking for the essay on modern ACOTAR fandom please🙏😩

YOU ARE ALL ENABLERS!!! FINE I SHALL WRITE MY ESSAY!!!!! I'm putting it under a read more because I'm embarrassed of how long it is.

ACOTAR fandom is strange in a fascinating and NOT FUN way. Fandom has gotten SO restrictive recently, it's suffocating. And idk what it is about ACOTAR, but its fans are among the WORST. Whatever discourse you've seen in other fandoms, multiply it by 10 to get the experience of being in mainstream ACOTAR fandom. It is an unchallenged belief in this fandom that writing, drawing, or consuming any kind of content that isn't 100% healthy in the real world means that you - YOU!!!!! - are a danger to real life human beings. Criticizing a character's choices and the author's writing decisions is warped into you being an abuse apologist and also you probably yell at abuse victims in real life. A drawing of Tamlin and Elain sitting in a garden is now a disgusting acceptance of real life abusers and you're traumatizing every abuse survivor.

I can think of countless examples off the top of my head of real life human beings being harassed and bullied and called all kinds of nasty names for the fictional content they create about fictional characters. Like, I cannot stress enough the irony of these puritans spouting off in woke-enese about how "dangerous" certain fans are being incredibly verbally and emotionally abusive to people in this fandom. A fanartist on Instagram was painting portraits of each of the ACOTAR characters, and as a fun framing device, each painting was meant to be a painting that Feyre would make, and the captions talked about how the artist thought Feyre would paint this character. A charming and delightful series taking advantage of the fact that the main character is a painter, right? WRONG!!! This artist did a painting of Tamlin, and she was raked across the coals for DARING to even IMPLY that Feyre ever even THOUGHT about Tamlin or could even CONSIDER forgiving him enough to paint him. She was accused of "forcing an abuse survivor to think about her abuser." Like, do you see how absurd that is?? Feyre isn't real!! Nobody forced anybody to do anything! That's the kind of batshit insane nonsense we're dealing with.

Not to mention any depicition or joking about the series' villains is seen as you endorsing REAL LIFE VILLAINY!! me and my friends are constantly under fire for DARING to enjoy villainous characters or dark content. I feel like I shouldn't even have to say it, but the content that you create and consume doesn't say anything about you as a person. People who are very well adjusted, kind, and happy will engage with dark content for a variety of reasons. Some use it as a coping/healing mechanism, some just find dark content fascinating and worthy of exploration, and some people have dark fantasies. This fandom behaves as if the things you make and consume are examples of what you consider "healthy" and things that you want to do to real life people. It's INCONCEIVABLE to them that you could enjoy something in fiction and not endorse it in real life. INCONCEIVABLE!!

Aside from the irony of people claiming to battle against toxicity screaming violent insults at real life people over fictional characters, this is very very funny. Those of us that have been in the rarepair trenches in other fandoms can't help but laugh at these grown ass women losing their minds because somebody drew a blonde man. The culmination of this has been the runners of Elain Week refusing to even SEE characters they don't like. The visage of Tamlin will shatter their fragile minds and send them to their early graves. And this isn't even TOUCHING how their standard for which characters are Acceptable and which ones aren't is almost solely decided by what the author has explicitly stated and not based on any critical thinking or analysis.

The sheer and utter absurdity of this fandom in particular being SO hung up on canon should be studied. SJM is such a poor writer that she contradicts canon within the same book. I am firmly convinced that nobody actually reads her novels all the way through before they are published. This canon is bad. Which is why it's so baffling that this fandom in particular is so obsessed with canon and what the author has stated both within the books and in interviews. SJM says this character is bad, and so they are BAD!!! This character is good, and so they are GOOD. Oftentimes if you see people try to tear down Tamlin, they'll bring up SJM saying that he's abusive in interviews, talking about how she doesn't like him, and bringing up that she put a hotline for abuse survivors in the back of one of the books. SJM has said that he's an abuser, and so therefore he IS, and there is no further investigation.

Again, a kindergarden concept I didn't think I'd have to explain to a bunch of grown adults on the internet, but a creator's intention is not the end all be all of discussion. It's certainly a part of the analysis, but it is also up to the reader to determine if the author has convinced you of the story they're trying to tell. For example, the creator Joss Whedon clearly created Buffy the Vampire Slayer to be a feminist, empowering show for women. However, the viewer can watch the show and point out areas where he failed in this intention and allowed misogyny, racism, and homophobia to seep into his works. Imagine if every time you tried to criticize a "feminist" show made by a man, the fans screamed at you that the creator said it's feminist, and so therefore it is, and that's the end of that.

This is PARTICULARLY galling with SJM's villains. A lot of them are just...not written well, or convincingly, or realistically. BUT a lot of them are sexual predators, and so any discussion about them and their character is cut off at the source. SJM tells you that these people are BAD GUYS and you have to accept it, otherwise you're defending r*pists. It's especially hilarious because a lot of her "good" guys also commit many horrible acts. Part of the hilarity of the Elain Week nonsense is that the man that the creators ship Elain with, Azriel, is a PROFESSIONAL TORTURER. But SJM says he's good and sympathetic, so therefore, he is. And it's an entirely different essay to go into how SJM portrays her female villains, and I got Cancelled for it last time I tried so NO YOU CANT MAKE ME!!!

Lastly, I'll mention the bloated victim complex of people that like popular things. Again, not unique to ACOTAR fandom, but certainly very prevalent. The people who are in the majority NEED to feel like they're the underdog, fighting the good fight. Hence having the people who like one of the MAIN CHARACTERS and one of the Top 5 Most Popular Ships acting like they are Jesus on the cross for shipping Elain and Bland Dude #4. They work themselves into a paranoid frenzy, feeling attacked at every twist and turn. I would bet my LIFE that the people that run Elain Week have never even seen Beron/Elain content, let alone had it submitted to their event. But they got themselves all worked up about the Evil Tamlin Cabal RUINING THE EVENT that they made these rules that are simply ridiculous. And it backfired on them. Me and my friends have been accused of ruining other character weeks for making content for ships that WE like but the moderators don't. They'll see one single Rhysand/Tamlin drawing and act like you've fucking shot them. They genuinely feel like nobody likes Feyre or Rhysand, the most popular characters, and everyone supports Tamlin. It's insane and they need to get offline. I've seen people wearing Night Court merch in real life. Trust me, you won. You are not the victim.

[mikuni14]

Century of Love - Ep 3

Oh, but I loved this episode! I was afraid that San would be an asshole and go to Vee out of sheer necessity to help himself, not to apologize to him. AND THAT'S WHAT HE DID! 😆 But it was very cleverly done. First, San denies that he will absolutely, under NO circumstances, marry Vee, even if he were to DIE. Then the goddess wipes the floor with him and San gives up lmao, goes to Vee and proposes an ARRANGE MARRIAGE FOR MONEY!

Yes, Vee, me too, I was like :OOOO the whole time 😆😆😆 What a brilliant idea to preserve San's dick..nessy?, his "faithfulness" to Wat, and at the same time significantly move the plot forward. In general, I really like the way the action unfolds and doesn't waste time on boring stuff, stupidity and classic misunderstandings in this situation, which I totally expected. San quickly finds out that Vee is innocent, Vee already knows about the magic stone and that San is an everyone's favorite oji-chan and about the reincarnation. I also really like the idea of ​​marriage, I think it's brilliant.

I also liked the scene in Vee's apartment. He himself masking his pain, anger, guilt and injustice with laughter and self-deprecation, because he screwed up his life with a stupid mistake and simply being poor. And San, who came to Vee all angry and bristling, and at one point looked at Vee - and himself - in a different way, realizing that Vee was now where he once was. It was very good. I really appreciate moments like this in my BLs 💖

Chibi San as usual did not disappoint, this kid deserves all the awards. He was exactly the perfect mix of grumpy and sweet 🧁 And the way he carries himself in these oversized clothes, like it's no big deal, just everyday activity lol what a little dude! I kind of want to see BTS scenes with him, is he naturally like that :)

San's family is still fantastic. How much do they put up with grandpa's bullsh... I mean his complicated love life, which is also their main source of entertainment lol

The series tirelessly revolves around the topic of death, the difficulties of accepting it and separation from the person to whom one owes so much, and the determination to stop it, even at the cost of everything.

Daou and Offroad really give their all in this series, I don't know how Daou manages these constant scenes of acting out pain. And Offroad seamlessly switches between the always smiling Vee (how often it's a mask he wears so that others don't worry about him or not interfered in his problems, assuming that he was ok?), and those moments when he shows his pain and stress and anger at what his life is like and how he is being treated by life, strangers and circumstances. Also, Offroad is incredibly beautiful and has moments when he looks so seductively, for example in the scene in Vee's apartment when San is thinking about Vee and himself from the past and catches Vee's looking at him… gods 🔥🔥🔥 (hope someone will gif it! 👉👈). I'm going crazy because of them.

Wild theory time! Grandma is Wat, she will eat a stone and regain her youth and look like a young Wat, but San will already be half in love with Vee. Chaos ensues hehe 🤡

[creatoriginsane]

CoachCaptain!Oliver + FormerAthelete!OC anyone?

I've been thinking about how Oliver is ranked #1 at "Who is most likely to succeed as a coach?" here, and I wanted to try writing something about it!

(and I'm going to borrow one of my OCs from my TokyoRev series because I want a certain kind of "so bad it's life-threatening" dynamic, yeah.)

consider this my NaNoWriMo 2024 project (that will of course not be completed within the month), because it's already got an outline (below the cut) and it will be posted here. of course, since this is just an outline, it's not the full summary, lol.

so if you've got thoughts, let me know! those aged-up AUs and HCs are gonna fuel me to write this to completion before I post it.

(please be warned the below summary/outline is for legal and mature audiences!)

i can tell it hits (hits, hits, hits)

(and she tells herself she's not gonna answer the call because she's got a nice dick in her mouth, but she answers it anyway) 

does it turn you on (when I turn you around)?

(and she's driving him, she's driving him and it's only right that he doesn't recognize her) 

(not tryna) be romantic

(and is it really car sex if they're gonna fuck in front of her car, not inside it or on top of it?) 

i'll hit it (from the back)

(and she doesn't wanna kiss him or touch him or even see his fucking face, but she likes this and knows this is fine, this is great, this is enough) 

don't get attached (yes, yes, yes)

(and she thinks about everything else, anything else, about the one she really wants, the one she really loves, and what she could've been if she wasn't the rabid bitch) 

(you bite my lip) just for the taste

(and she knows she has a type, she knows he's not her type, she knows she isn't his type either) 

take the heat (and with such grace)

(and she's playing a bet with herself when she asks him if she could charge her phone upstairs, win or lose, she's going to have him like a dog will have its chew toy) 

(you say we're done) but here you stay

(and she doesn't think about the next morning, or next mornings and afternoons or even late nights, because this is fine, this is enough, and she doesn't give a fuck) 

you said you're scared (i'll let you down)

(and she doesn't want to get to know him the way she thinks he wants to get to know her because neither of them should be tied down by the icky, icky strings of the couple experience, and yet here they are) 

just stick around (and you'll find out)

(and she's thinking about what to wear when he asks if he can come over because he ought to return the favor and mess up her place once in a while, or twice, or thrice, really give her someone to deal with)

do I stress you out? (can i help you out?)

(and she considers this convenient and not complicated because the boundaries are set and the limits are clear, but she considers this complex because she doesn't understand how can he stand being with her when he has everything and everyone else)

can we make a scene? (can you make it loud?)

(and she doesn't mean to scare him off, or maybe she does, she doesn't know because all she's ever wanted isn't in him, because he's incomplete and rough and jagged and as solid as a fucking wall she can't bat her way through and destroy and rebuild again) 

(i like) the way you kiss me

(and she can tell this isn't a game he wants to play because his field will never be her diamond, he kicks and she bats, he runs back and forth and she runs in a square, she was never the star and he was never the loser, and this is how everything works out in the end) 

i can tell you (miss me)

(and she tells herself it's because she's here in his hometown and it's fucking cold, and he's got flowers for her as a welcoming gift because it's almost her birthday, Christmas is a month away, Valentine's is three months away, that she breaks)

[wintrwinchestr]

checking in/where i've been

some personal rambling and life updates below the cut

so um hi. it hasn't really been that long since i've posted any drawing or writing but it feels that way to me. and i've been thinking for the past couple of days about making a post like this so here i am doing it now. i just thought i'd give a little explanation for where i've been and where i'm at.

i don't know if anyone noticed but i did turn my ask box off last month. after i posted my christmas joel drawing i got a handful of rude and accusatory anons about him in my inbox. i didn't respond or draw any attention to it but i still decided to turn off anon asks and then turn off my asks altogether so i could have some peace of mind. i also realized that turning off my asks would stop the "do you plan on continuing __?" and "when do you plan on posting more __?" type of questions, which also has given me more peace of mind lately. i appreciate that anyone has any interest or enthusiasm for my writing at all, but i just haven't had the answers to those questions lately.

my job has been chaotic for basically the entire two+ years i've had it, but it's been especially hard honestly kind of going all the way back to late last summer/early fall. drawing and writing used to be my escape from it at the end of the day, but lately my 9-5:30 has been more like 9-7:30/8:00, and i think i've worked every weekend of 2025 so far. i plan on working this weekend too. so needless to say, my job kind of sucks the soul out of me, and it's been worse than usual in recent months. every day i would go to work looking forward to at least being able to draw or write a little bit when i got home, and then that would end up never happening because i would get back home too late and have to go to bed before i knew it so i could do it all again the next day. there have been nights when i just broke down sobbing because of this job and truly felt like i was losing my mind. so i just decided i would take a break from creating for a while, because at least i wouldn't have to be disappointed and crying every night that i was too tired or didn't have enough time to continue doing the things that bring me joy.

"why don't you just quit or find another job?" you might ask. i was applying to jobs for a little while without hearing anything back, and then... i got promoted last week. so... maybe it's selfish and capitalist of me to say, but i think i'm just going to try and ride it out for at least a few more months while my new paycheck hits my account and not try to hit the road the second they actually give me the promotion i've been hoping to get for the past several months. sure, i hate staying at the office 2/2.5 hours past when i'm supposed to leave every night, and i haven't had a single work-free weekend in recent memory, but at least it's a little more worth it now. i'll deal with the stress and panic and crying as it comes.

i was also pretty addicted to tik tok until it got banned for all of about 19 hours, and i decided to take the opportunity to break my addiction and delete it from my phone altogether. i've decided to pick up reading books again, something i knew i should probably be doing but haven't really for the past couple of years, and i've been really enjoying it. even when i come home at the end of a long day and just don't have it in me to create anything, i can at least find half an hour to read a little bit instead of being sad and scrolling on my phone, and that's been helping me feel a little better.

so i guess what i'm trying to say with all this is that i don't know when i'll have a drawing to share again. i don't know when i'll be able to continue either of the series that you all have given me so much support on. i'm thinking about them almost every day, but... their stories will have to wait until my life is a little more stable. and i don't know when that will be. i'm more or less taking a break and allowing myself to not feel guilty about that.

i'm just trying to take everything one day at a time and keep as much of my sanity intact as possible. thanks for reading if you made it this far. i will leave you with one of the quotes that's been keeping me going recently.

"'Cause I didn't feel like there was kind of any moment past that moment. But there was, there was"

[lucky-clover-gazette]

captive prince book 1 highlights & annotations

chapter 13 & final notes

indented text is from the book. some quotes have commentary, some do not. some comments are serious, and some are definitely not. most of them will only make sense to people who have read the series. and, like, there are spoilers. so please read the books first if you're interested!

also: part of the reason i'm doing such a close reading is to study cs pacat's style, especially in terms of how she does romance and erotica. there are "craft notes" that might seem weird, like i'm being redundant or restating something rather than analyzing, but those are more things that i want to remember/take away from the writing!

i'm going to tag these longer posts with "sam reads capri" in case anyone wants to read them all at once.

this is a google doc i wrote with overall content warnings for the captive prince series. it's not perfect, but i do think it's important to include.

It was true; it was somehow not even a surprise, more like a truth that had grown for some time on the edge of his awareness, now brought into sharp relief.

some damen brain insight! he’s not stupid or oblivious. he just ends up distracted, often, due to the more pressing things in front of him and/or subconscious avoidance.

‘You can’t go to Delfeur,’ Damen said. ‘It’s a death trap.’

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY damen doesn’t want laurent dead!!!! 🎉

‘Is your reputation so far in the dirt that you think the Council will choose your uncle for the throne anyway, unless you prove yourself?’ ‘You are right on the edge of what I will allow from you,’ said Laurent.

but he does allow SOMETHING, which is new

‘Take me with you to Delfeur,’ said Damen. ‘No.’ ‘Akielos is my country. Do you think I want her overrun by your uncle’s troops? I will do anything in my power to prevent war. Take me with you. You will need someone you can trust.’ Speaking those last words, he almost winced, immediately regretting them. Laurent had asked him for trust last night, and he had thrown the words back in his face. He would receive the same treatment. Laurent just gave him a blankly curious look. ‘Why would I need that?’

context: laurent is delusional about his capability to overcome near-insurmountable odds alone. this frustrates and concerns damen, and he isn’t able to let it go, even though he hates laurent. his values and honor come first. laurent is both confused and mildly amused by damen’s concern, because he doesn’t expect anyone—especially not damen—to actually care about his well-being.

Damen stared at him, suddenly aware that if he asked, ‘Do you think you can juggle attempts on your life, military command, and your uncle’s tricks and traps by yourself?’ the answer was going to be: Yes.

i love laurent. i love that his stubborn determination is very much a virtue, but also something that occasionally makes him act like a total idiot. and damen sees this, and understands this, for better and/or for worse.

‘He asked me to bed you, then report back to him.’ Damen was forthright. ‘Not in those words.’ ‘And your answer?’ That, unreasonably, annoyed him. ‘If I’d bedded you, you’d know it.’ There was a dangerous, narrow-eyed pause. Eventually: ‘Yes. Your style of grabbing your partner and kicking their legs open does stand out in the memory.’

the fact that laurent allowed this kind of banter to happen at all is kind of a big deal. he was definitely close to smacking damen about it, but went for a half-hearted insult instead. for laurent, that’s basically a white flag. and it’s even more meaningful, since the exchange was related to sex, which has proven to be a vulnerable topic.

‘My dear brute,’ said Laurent, ‘I want you to rot here.’

context: laurent is exhausted, stressed, and delusional about his immediate future. damen wants him to survive (for now), to see things realistically, and feel the urgency of his circumstances. i don’t think laurent cares if damen rots—he just wants him to stop saying true and helpful things.

also, this is just kind of a hot thing to say. something about the conflicting affection and contempt. i don’t know.

‘Are you that sure of yourself?’ Damen called after him. ‘I think if you could beat your uncle on your own, you would have done it already.’ Laurent stopped in the doorway. Damen saw the cupped yellow of his head, the straight line of his back and shoulders. But Laurent didn’t turn back to face him; the hesitation only lasted for a moment before he continued out the door.

he’s right! laurent knows he’s right! he’s just too proud and delusional to admit it!

probably because to laurent, admitting weakness only results in vulnerability and pain. he wouldn’t believe that anyone would actually want to offer him help without an ulterior motive. so his guard stays up, and he does what he needs to do alone.

Laurent was leaving tomorrow. Laurent, infuriating, intolerable Laurent, was pursuing the worst possible course, and there was nothing Damen could do to stop him.

“i hope she fries / i’m free if that bitch dies / i’d better help her out” (buffy the vampire slayer, once more with feeling)

It was easier to blame the death of a boy on mischance than that of a young man about to ascend to the throne. Damen could see no reason why boy-Laurent should have escaped that fate. Perhaps familial loyalty had held the Regent back . . . until Laurent had blossomed into poisonous maturity, sly-natured and unfit to rule.

context: the regent kept laurent alive as a child and teenager so he could [redacted] >:(

Laurent could inspire homicidal tendencies simply by breathing. Kastor, he thought, had no idea what lay across the border. Kastor had embraced an alliance with Vere. He was vulnerable, ill-equipped to fight a war, the bonds within his own country showing cracks to which a foreign power had only to apply pressure.

the dramatic irony here is insaaaaaaaane. damen your cognitive dissonance is showing

Did Laurent really believe he could do this alone? Laurent would need every weapon at his disposal in order to navigate this course alive. Yet Damen had not been able to persuade him of that. He was aware, not for the first time, of a fundamental inability to communicate with Laurent. It was not only that he was navigating a foreign language. It was as though Laurent was an entirely other species of animal.

romance is two strong-willed and competent people communicating despite the odds, becoming stronger and more competent together than they would be apart. also doing improv comedy to survive the horrors

He touched the starburst pattern at his shoulder. He was dressed in Laurent’s colours, and bearing his insignia. That was a strange feeling.

kinda hot. like the collar and cuffs, but they actually earned it.

submission vs. respect theme, etc.

He was to serve and obey, as any man.

but NOT, notably, as a slave.

‘Sleeping in his tent?’ ‘Where else?’ He passed a hand over his face. Laurent had agreed to this?

i love how damen’s follow-up question isn’t necessarily, “do i agree with this?” but “how the fuck did LAURENT agree to this?”

After a long moment, Damen said, ‘Whatever else you think, I don’t share his bed.’ It was not a new insinuation. Damen wasn’t sure why it rankled so much now.

probably because there is something resembling mutual respect developing between damen and laurent, so the implication that their interactions are entirely sexual is offensive. submission vs. respect again!

‘If I’d sent them after you,’ said Laurent, ‘I would have told them you went out the only way you knew, through the courtyard off the northern training arena. Did you?’ ‘Yes,’ said Damen.

hot.

The pre-dawn light bleached Laurent’s hair from gold to something paler and finer; the bones of his face appeared as delicate as the calamus of a feather. He was relaxed against the doorway of the stables as though he’d been there quite a while, which would explain the colour of Jord’s face.

laurent lean #9. smug eavesdropping.

And he did not need gilt to be recognised under a parade standard, only the uncovered bright of his hair.

i’m counting this as damen likes blondes mention #6. implies that laurent is “parade standard” simply because of his pretty hair.

Laurent paced forward. His eyes passed over Damen in turn, displaying jagged distaste. Seeing him in armour seemed to have drawn something unpleasant from the depths. ‘Too civilised?’ ‘Hardly,’ said Laurent.

context: “i cannot fucking believe i’m dressing up my brother’s barbaric killer like a veretian and letting him join my traveling party”

‘What is he doing here?’ ‘Captaining the Guard.’ ‘What?’ ‘Yes, it’s an interesting arrangement, isn’t it?’ said Laurent.

oh, he’s SEETHING. humor as deflection.

‘You should throw him a pet to keep him off the men,’ said Jord. ‘No,’ said Laurent, after a moment. He said it thoughtfully.

context: mainly i think laurent knows that govart’s unsatisfied libido is likely to make him screw up. but also i’d like to believe that he’s just super over the pet stuff

Laurent took it without saying anything. He tucked it carefully into a fold of his riding clothes. Then after a moment, he reached out, and touched Nicaise’s chin with one knuckle. ‘You look better without all the paint,’ said Laurent.

oh he cares about this kid so much, and clearly values his gift. this is the most affectionate we’ve seen laurent in the entire book.

‘Do you think a compliment will impress me?’ said Nicaise. ‘It won’t. I get them all the time.’ ‘I know you do,’ said Laurent.

“so did i.”

‘I’m coming back,’ said Laurent. ‘Is that what you think?’

context: this is meant as a comfort to nicaise, but nicaise hears it as a threat.

neither of them believes that they would ever deserve or receive protection.

‘I’m coming back,’ said Laurent. ‘To keep me as a pet?’ said Nicaise. ‘You’d love that. To make me your servant.’ Dawn passed over the courtyard. Colours changed. A sparrow landed on one of the stable posts close by him, but lifted off again at the sound of one of the men dropping an armful of tack. ‘I would never ask you to do anything you found distasteful,’ said Laurent.

context: this is the truth.

It didn’t surprise Damen that Laurent was popular with the townspeople. He looked the part, all bright hair and astonishing profile. A golden prince was easy to love if you did not have to watch him picking wings off flies. Straight-backed and effortless in the saddle, he had an exquisite seat, when he was not killing his horse.

NICE VS. GOOD THEME! damen thinks that if the townspeople saw laurent as he does—a bitch—they would realize that he isn’t good. because he still believes, most of the time, that niceness equates to goodness. and so every pleasant quality laurent possesses—his appearance, his title, and his skills—is in opposition with his unpleasant behavior. laurent’s unpleasant actions and qualities are, simply, Not Good. and damen is too distracted by laurent’s more tasteful qualities to consider how his distasteful decisions could be more ethical than they appear (for example, mercy killing the horse his uncle poisoned).

inversely, we have damen and akielion slavery. damen knows the gentle submission of slaves in ios, and the way their masters “honor” them—in that, he sees goodness. but when he sees the cruel way veretians treat akielion slaves, he sees wrongness, which he then advocates against. but what he can’t see, is that “palatable slavery” (gag) is still slavery, and just as wrong in akielos as it is in vere. and it is just as evil of akielos to partake in the institution, if not more evil since it’s their institution in the first place, than whatever is going on in vere. 

damen has moral integrity. he has a mind and he uses it. but he also has a massive blind spot, because he believes that everyone else in the world is as honorable as he is.

laurent has the opposite blind spot. he doesn’t expect anyone to be honorable, ever. least of all his brother’s killer.

the two of them make a good team.

final notes

damen likes blondes mentions: 6

laurent leans: 9

(nice)

character elements to watch out for: 

laurent perspective context (knowing what i know, what sense can i make?)

laurent & nicaise

laurent coping mechanisms (pretending, delusion)

damen coping mechanisms (avoidance, distraction)

damen reconsidering the ethics of akielios

mutual moral arbitration

series themes: 

niceness vs. goodness

submission vs. respect - “there is no honour in obedience”

suffering alone vs. fighting together

pain and humor

honor and integrity

sex, power, innocence, violence

trauma, desire, consent

[miss0atae]

Random thoughts about Kidnap the series (EP 3):

The pacing of this series is so fast and it is so unexpected. I thought they would drag on the main conflicts, but no. We moved from kidnapping, to faking death, to giving back the money, then Q wanting to make a deal with Min to fake again his kidnapping, but this time with his father and now Min's working for the Red Lady (damn I felt something when she took his face in her hand. I would have trade place with him) who gave him a loan with no interest.

It's so crazy and it seems so impossible, but at the same time, it's the kind of fun I like to watch. Really, I wonder how Min can stay so calm because everything in his life is racing so fast. I was stressed for him. So now, he is going to work for the Red Lady (apparently called Yade if you believe MLD, but it's less "sexy" than the Red Lady if you ask me) and probably with Suea too (because we always need to see more Papang on screen). I wonder what disturbances it's going to create in Min's life later.

On top of that, we finally learned about the mysterious client who wanted to have Q killed and of course it was linked to his father's job and the Red Lady/Yada. He wants to get payback for his son and I guess he thought an eye for an eye is fair revenge. This part of the episode showed us how Q is braver than what he looks like because he never really flinched when the man was trying to kill him. Min was more scared than him when it happened.

However, it triggered the same PTSD reactions Q gets when he is sleeping because he got a flashback of when he was running for his life. Of course, Min noticed and tried his best (as always) to help Q and it also prompted him to accept the crazy plan of asking for a ransom at Q's father. I think Min is always trying to protect and save his loved ones. He is doing it with Mhen, his little brother and since, Q has been living with them, Min also shield him. He is not even yet in love with him. What's going to happen when there will be love between them too?!

However, the needs to protect everyone could also be his weakness. You can't always be the white knight in shining armor. Q isn't so helpless as he may seem to be. I believe he is more resourceful. I'm getting curious about his past and why it happened. Min and Q are bonding so fast and it's thrilling to watch it. Can a relationship based on intense experiences work easily? (Bear with me, but I've always wanted to quote this from Speed) I guess we'll find it with these two.

[damianhardungbr]

Entrevista com o Damian Hardung e Sonja Weißer sobre a 1ª temporada de Maxton Hall.

------------------------------------------------

INTERVIEW WITH DAMIAN HARDUNG AND HIS SERIES SISTER SONJA WEISSER

"James is an insanely toxic, masculine guy but suddenly he's forced into the moment by Ruby." Damian Hardung

Maxton Hall is set in two very different social worlds. Has dealing with this topic also influenced you personally?

SONJA: When familiarizing ourselves with the world in which Maxton Hall is set, touching on the topic of gender inequality is of course unavoidable.

DAMIAN: What is often meant by social worlds, namely economic inequality, also concerns me enormously in my private life in terms of its origins and impact. Even if I find the terminology unfortunate, because we confuse social with economic.

SONJA: In my particular preparation, the overprivileged nature of the Beauforts stood out above all. In general, the costumes, locations, props etc. made it possible to empathize a little with what it might be like to be so rich. It was a completely new and absurd world.

DAMIAN: A Brief History of Equality by Thomas Piketty is certainly one of the books that got me thinking the most last year. For James, however, these considerations play no role, as he only knows his world and is initially not interested in any other.

What made the two characters James and Lydia interesting for you?

DAMIAN: James is an insanely toxic, masculine guy who gets away with everything. He lives for the excess, knows no future, flees from himself, but is suddenly forced into the moment by Ruby.

SONJA: In my eyes, Lyd a is an extremely complex character with a very cool exterior. I found this interaction very interesting and it made the first reading very exciting for me, as I was able to discover and work out what was behind such a strict exterior.

SONJA: What struck me most when I was dealing with Lydia was that her greatest weakness, the greatest weakness of human beings, is love. And that she has to deal with her biggest conflicts because of it. Whether romantic love, familial love or passion. And that is what makes her so approachable despite her outer coldness.

DAMIAN: I felt the same way It's a bit of a challenge to build up such a tough façade and then feel it collapse.

Damian, your character James resorts to drastic measures in Maxton Hall to help his sister Lydia. Can you understand that?

DAMIAN: The Things we do for Love."

James is under enormous pressure to perform, which he finds difficult to escape. You yourself are studying medicine and are involved in various projects as an actor. How similar is this pressure to your own?

DAMIAN: Quite like James, who has to function as the head for Young Beaufort, I can only ask now, what pressure? James and I do everything out of passion. On a more serious note, pressure to perform has definitely played a big part in my life, but I'm trying to stop the fear of failure from causing me constant stress. I think I'm getting better at it, at least I feel less stressed.

Which moments during filming do you particularly remember?

SONJA: The most intense moment was probably when I was told that I could play Lydia. Damian and I had just talk bout the auditioned for Mortimer and I already knew that he had been cast. But I was only officially there that day to audition, and during a short break, everyone present stood in front of Damian and me and announced that I would be playing Lydia, "May we introduce you to your sister". That was amazing, I was just extremely happy and Damian was too.

DAMIAN: Absolutely, I was very happy for you. I remember one other sentence in particular: 'The partridges can't fly', just before about 50 partridges flew into the fray. Nevertheless, we still had a day of wildlife scenes ahead of us, but now without partridges. Since then, there have been wild partridges in the Hanover area.

SONJA: That was very funny! In general, the group scenes with the others from the cast were always particularly nice because we got on so well with each other.

[cinderella-ish]

JuJutsu Kaisen Personality Types Part 1: Suguru Geto

Okay, here we go!

Geto is absolutely the character that inspired me to expand this series to JJK, so I figured I should start with him. He's such a beautifully written, tragic character, and one whose descent feels inevitable by the time it happens.

Anyway, here's how I see his personality type!

Geto Suguru's Enneagram

Wound: We don't know a ton about Geto's life before he entered JuJutsu High, so it's hard to say.

Wounding message: Also hard to say.

Core desire: For the world to be just, and to play a role in making/keeping it that way.

Core fear: an unjust world, loss

Defense mechanism: Geto has a strong sense of justice that guides him in his decisions; he falls back on this when he's unsure

Strengths: Geto is highly attuned to the people he cares about, he's principled, responsible, rational, idealistic, hard-working, empathetic, organized, strategic, and he seeks input from people he trusts

Challenges: Geto is resentful, scapegoats non-sorcerers, rigid, thinks of the world in black-and-white, obsessive, easily demoralized, looks down at others

When healthy: Geto has a sense of fun, trusts in his friends, and respects other worldviews

When unhealthy: Geto is angry, vengeful, self-important, envious, uses his empathy as a reason to hurt others

Looking at all of this, here's what connects when I go back to the Enneagram post:

Wound: again, hard to say

Wounding message: I didn't give a wounding message above, but I could see a case for 1, 2, 3, or 8.

Core desire: 1, 3, or 6

Core fear: 1, 3, or 9

Defense mechanism: 1

Strengths: 1, 3, or 8

Challenges: 1, 4, or 5

When healthy: 1, 3, 6, or 8

When unhealthy: 1, 7, or 8

Geto is an Enneagram 1.

I actually think Geto is a pretty clear 1, though maybe that's because I'm a 1 myself and found some of his thought patterns during his descent to be uncomfortably close to home. When things aren't "right," I totally get the impulse to burn it all down. Especially when lives are at stake.

That's the thing about Geto; even though he hurt innumerable people after he turned, he did so out of deep compassion for the people who he'd seen get hurt. He couldn't bear seeing Gojo nearly die; he couldn't deal with Haibara's death, and he finally lost it when he saw Nanako and Mimiko caged by those villagers. No disconnect exists in his mind because he no longer sees non-sorcerers as humans. He even viewed them as lesser before he flipped, constantly referring to them as "the weak."

Ones live in the Gut center, and tend to repress anger. From Personality Path:

Anger is typically repressed by Type 1s. Type 1s try hard not to express anger as they associate it as a “bad” emotion. Instead, they report a lot of irritation. Interestingly, when their anger is eventually expressed, it can be intense, with a laser focus. A harsh inner voice dictating rigid internal standards is often at the bottom of each of the three core emotions for Type 1s.

Wing

The Enneagram Institute calls 1w9s "The Idealist" and 1w2s "The Advocate." I think Geto's wing is a little tricky to suss out, and I could see a case for either.

Geto is fine with conflict and will readily stand up to others when he disagrees with them. However, he loves when Gojo relies on him, and spirals when he's no longer central to Gojo's life. When he turns, he immediately inserts himself into a leadership position in the religious group. His desire to be needed makes him much more likely to be a 1w2, in my opinion.

From Truity:

These Ones are more focused on the livelihoods of other people, and champion causes focused on meeting people’s needs. They may appear overly controlling or critical of other people in an effort to help them become the “best version” of themselves. Like the Type Two, this type wants to help and feel appreciated.

I think, the fact that Twos go to Eight when stressed, and Eights can have more of a "burn it all down" mentality than others, also makes a good case for Geto having a Two wing.

Subtype

In reading about the different subtypes of One, Geto clearly connects the most to SO 1w2.

Enneagram Explained describes SO Ones like this:

Focuses On:  The need to be correct/right with their groups and communities. SO 1s often take on being the teacher or role model with those around them; trying to show others the right way to live. These 1s are often concerned with fairness and justice. Relationship to Their Vice (anger): SO 1s often suppress their anger but are also a bit ok with showing it. Potential Mistypes: SO 1s can often look like type 3s or type 5s.

Tritype

With One as his Gut type, I could see Five or Six as his Head type, and I could see any of Two, Three, or Four as his Heart type.

After reading the descriptions on Katherine Fauvre's website, I think 1-4-6 (The Philosopher) is the best fit:

If you are a 146, you are diligent, intuitive, and inquisitive. You want to be ethical, original, and certain. You are a private and introspective person and prefer to keep your world small to pursue your creative interests. Only one or two know your true thoughts and insecurities. Morally focused, you voice your expectations and criticisms, hoping your insights will help them to improve. However, you are kind-hearted, and cannot turn a blind eye to others you feel you should assist.

Suguru Geto's MBTI

Here's how I see Geto's Type Dynamics:

Feeling: Geto feels things deeply. I believe his Dominant Process is Introverted Feeling (Fi). At its best, Fi can look like someone who "seeks harmony of action and thoughts with personal values. May not always articulate those values. Empathetic, sensitive, and idealistic." At its worst, Fi can look like someone who will "carry the weight of the world on their shoulders, hypersensitive, pompous, feel sorry for themselves".

iNtuiting: Geto is strongly intuiting, making big leaps and connections by noticing patterns. I believe he uses Extraverted Intuiting (Ne).

Sensing: This would make his Tertiary Process Introverted Sensing (Si).

Thinking: Last, his Inferior process would be Extraverted Thinking (Te). Te as an Inferior Process can look like being "overly critical and negative toward others, judge others harshly, quick to take action to try and control/correct their own imagined incompetence which often backfires making the problem worse".

This would make his Type Dynamics Fi Ne Si Te, and his MBTI INFP (The Healer).

Here's how the Myers & Briggs Foundation describes INFP:

Idealistic, loyal to their values and to people who are important to them. Want to live a life that is congruent with their values. Curious, quick to see possibilities, can be catalysts for implementing ideas. Seek to understand people and to help them fulfill their potential. Adaptable, flexible, and accepting unless a value is threatened.

This comes as a bit of a surprise, as I was certain Geto would be a Judging type, but this actually does sound like him.

Interestingly, this means Geto has a lot in common with two Fruits Basket characters: Mayu and Kazuma.

With Mayu, he shares his Enneagram, Wing, Subtype, and Tritype, but not his MBTI or any Type Dynamics (Mayu is ENFJ, The Teacher).

With Kazuma, he shares his Enneagram, Subtype, Tritype, and MBTI, but not his Wing (Kazuma is 1w9, The Dreamer).

I think this gets to the heart of what makes Geto such an interesting and well-written character. He has qualities we associate with deeply compassionate and empathetic people. Arguably, he is an extremely empathetic and compassionate person, but seeing the death and mistreatment of his fellow sorcerers was just too much for him. His empathy (toward his fellow sorcerers) led him to effectively start a genocide.

So, to summarize:

Enneagram: SO 1w2 (The Reformer/The Advocate)

Tritype: 4-6-1 (The Philosopher)

MBTI: INFP (The Healer)

At his core, Geto is someone who thinks and feels deeply about how the world should be, and tries to do what's right according to his own (sometimes very warped) moral code. He is extremely loyal to those closest to him and thinks of himself in terms of his role within the community of JuJutsu sorcerers.