#I'm so sorry Rayla you deserve better

[lightning-jay]

I love you Rayla from the hit series The Dragon Prince.......

[raayllum]

Rayla's Super Selective Hearing, or What is Callum Actually Afraid of?

There's a running current throughout the series, but especially Arc 2 and S6 in particular, about recognizing fear in another individual and the importance of it as a sort of moral horizon line not to cross.

We see this time and time again being twisted/warped with the dark mage characters:

as well as others as a warning sign

which is contrasted most notably with Rayla in S1 as an explicit reason for mercy and recognizing personhood:

RUNAAN: You let him go! RAYLA: Runaan, I'm sorry. The human — he looked up at me and I saw the fear in his eyes. RUNAAN: Of course he was afraid, but you had a job to do! (1x01)

RAYLA: And then I just... let him go. I don't know why. EZRAN: Because you felt for him. RAYLA: But he was a human. My enemy. EZRAN: Yeah, but then you saw he was scared, and you knew he was a person, just like you. RAYLA: That shouldn't have mattered. I had a job to do. (1x08)

and in pleas of ignoring fear:

versus reassurance that it's okay, even if the two can overlap:

And fear, is, of course one of the most consistent feelings that Callum has towards Aaravos, and subsequently one of the threads built upon between Callum and Rayla.

Some of this, mind you, is because they're going to have to confront the "it doesn't matter that the human was afraid, you had a job to do and should've killed him" holdover whenever Callum gets possessed again, which is also part of the reason why Runaan turns and flees from Rayla's compassion and forgiveness in 6x09: he's afraid he doesn't deserve it, and that he "can't go back". He's worried that he's too far gone, and that he's a monster.

This also plays into Viren's realization and acceptance of what had happened with Lissa, who was terrified of him and said similarly that he had "become a monster" as previously noted (and eventually he was able to acknowledge that she was right).

This same fear of becoming monstrous one of the many fears we see plaguing Callum in S6: that not only will Aaravos control and/or manipulate him, not only did he do dark magic again, but that if it happens again or if Rayla finds out that she'll be scared of him, down to similar framing to boot.

Callum's fear doesn't come to fruition in 6x03, with Rayla being not scared of him, for scared for him. As she lists out reasons why he shouldn't do dark magic (without knowing why he did so), she cites:

Because it's dangerous. Because it hurts you. But most of all, because it makes you vulnerable to the thing you're most afraid of. [...] I just don't understand why you would keep doing it, knowing that it puts your life in terrible danger.

And Rayla has good reason to think that Aaravos is Callum's worst fear, given that Callum has emphasized his fear over Aaravos a few times to her:

So Callum is scared of Aaravos, as are most of the characters, but the possession gets to him specifically. Part of this is because the possession strips Callum of the quality he cares about the most: his agency ("You think [making a mistake because Aaravos took control of me] makes me feel better? That makes me feel worse" / "I felt so weak and out of control. I was his puppet"). This is also what he affirms to Ezran in 4x05 ("when he took over my whole body and used me like a puppet").

The other side is one that he spells out for us in 4x07, so let's go line by line now that S6 has provided more reaffirmation / context.

I'm not afraid that he'll hurt me.

This line, of course, shows Callum's selflessness and willingness to risk his life (1x02, 2x07, 3x01, 3x09, 5x08), in addition to his rationale for asking Rayla to kill him. If his destiny under Aaravos and the harm it brings it inevitable, his own life and safety would be a reasonable concern, but it's not. And we know this because it's Rayla's primary concern in the possession plotline, and one that's not good enough for him. "We're all in danger," he rebuts when she just talks about him; she questions why he would use dark magic again when "it puts your life in terrible danger". But just his own life being at risk isn't enough to get him to not do something — at least not when he has a good enough motivation ("You can risk your life to learn magic" vs jumping off the Pinnacle or trying to take Ezran's place).

I'm afraid that he'll use me

This line is the crux of Callum's dynamic with Aaravos on his end — the fear, the concern, the paranoia. In 4x07, it's a scary possibility; in 6x01, he treats it more like an imminent inevitability unless he can find a way to destroy the pearl: "As long as it's here or anywhere, it poses a threat, because Aaravos can manipulate people on the outside. Like he did with Lord Viren. And... me." We'll get to why I think this change of "he will" (still leaves some room for doubt) to "he is" (he is going to) has happened in the next couple of lines. We also see that Callum finding out that Aaravos has used him in switching the pearl in 6x06 was enough to break his spirit even without knowing anything that leaving the pearl back in Katolis was going to lead to, so the stakes of the action itself (losing agency/control) are high. It's scary to think he might've already "played into" Aaravos' hands per his 'destiny' even if we know (thanks to the pawn intro) that he hasn't and much more is in store.

But what is Callum scared about when it comes to Aaravos' hold on him? Especially since 6x01 trims both of these things out of the mix in terms of verbal dialogue.

to do awful things

This is the first thing Callum mentions, so it accordingly has weight. We see that Callum, like the bulk of the main cast but especially the core trio, wants to and tries to do the right thing ("The right thing, I hope") and it's something he admires in other people ("she does what's right even when it puts her own life in danger"). He doesn't want to cause unnecessary suffering and he doesn't want to hurt people, and unlike characters who also feel that way most of the time but don't follow through (hi Claudia, hi arc 1 Viren), he is usually accordingly tormented and guilty when he feels like he hasn't lived up to his own ideal (apologizing to Ez for his temper, doing dark magic, etc).

However, "awful things" is a little vague. It can't include hurting the people around him per say because that gets its own distinction, so what does 'awful things' refer to? Harrow refers to his choices with the Magma Titan and Avizandum and Zym as "terrible things"; Soren asserts the same about trying to kill the princes; and Terry most explicitly tells Claudia that "I've seen you do a lot of awful things, dark magic things". So the most distinct thing we can get there is 1) killing and/or sacrificing people and/or 2) dark magic in general.

This is, to me, part of why 5x08 is so difficult for Callum as an episode, because he's forced to do some terrible things. Finnegrin tries to make him pick which one of his loved ones is losing a hand; Callum is nearly coerced and then chooses to use dark magic; he gives a dangerous man an even more dangerous spell and the trade doesn't even amount to anything.

Because if it comes down to doing terrible things, Callum would prefer doing that in order to not

or hurt people I care about.

Callum clearly thinks that dark magic and doing dark magic is awful. We see this routinely expressed throughout the series, scaffolded by dark magic always being a last resort and nothing else for him thus far: "But is it really so wrong?" "Yes!" (2x08); "But in your eyes I see guilt. What have you done that's got you so twisted up inside?" (5x08); "I did it, I'm ruined, it's too late for me, who cares?" (6x03)

Ergo, on Finnegrin's ship, in his own eyes, he did something awful. This is because I think it's evident that being vulnerable to Aaravos isn't Callum's worst fear, as Rayla posits: it's losing her or Ezran.

Being vulnerable and possessed by Aaravos is scary to him because it might mean hurting them. Yes he doesn't want to do something awful, but we've seen in canon that he's willing to if the alternative is letting either of them die (much like how Rayla didn't want to emotionally hurt Callum, but it was a trade she was willing to make if it meant keeping him physically safe). We know he's not worried about Aaravos controlling him just for his own safety (points to previous sections).

The phrasing of the line itself is interesting, as you can read it two ways, of him being scared Aaravos will use him to hurt his loved ones, or scared that Aaravos (generally) will hurt his loved ones. Neither is an appealing prospect.

But as Finnegrin says:

All that talk about how love makes you stronger, but the second you see that elf girl in pain, you completely lost yourself.

Callum would rather do something awful (dark magic) and make himself vulnerable to Aaravos, his 'worst fear,' than lose Rayla (or Ezran), which is his Actual worst fear. This is, of course, just perfect Greek tragedy irony: Callum getting possessed in order to save Rayla, only to inadvertently put her in danger again under Aaravos' control. Nor is this exclusive to Callum — I imagine the worst fears for basically everyone in TDP would be the loss of the people they love, even over the loss of their own life, and this is something we see reflected time and time again with Harrow and Sarai, Gren and Amaya, Aaravos and Leola, Rayla and Callum, etc.

What is more exclusive to Callum is the sheer lengths he may be willing to go to in order to not lose them. As he says in 4x07, he's afraid Aaravos will use him because it could lead to doing awful things or hurting people he loves; in 6x01, his speech has changed because he has a better understanding of how/why Aaravos would be able to manipulate him, and because he knows he'll do things he considers awful to protect/save the people he loves.

After all, as previously noted, Callum is afraid of having no choice... and that's exactly what happened.

[a-very-sparkly-nerd]

I’ll Do Whatever It Takes (i’ll make a million mistakes)

surprise 🤭

More than anything, Callum was disappointed in himself. Disappointed in himself for not knowing better, disappointed in himself for getting his hopes up, for thinking he could finally have a happily-ever-after.

But what had he ever done to deserve one? He deserved whatever karma the universe decided to dish out, but their son didn't. He hadn't inherited the evil or the dark heart, hadn't done a single thing except be born to an accursed man.

He hadn't been able to step foot in the nursery. Hadn't been able to make himself look at the tiny, wheezing, prune-purpley-red little infant in the cradle he'd sworn to protect, but ended up breaking that promise, too.

All the Sky spells in the world hadn't worked, nor Sunfire healing, and Earthblood stabilizing abilities could only do so much for so long. Even magic, what he’d leaned on since that day he’d first laid eyes on Zym’s egg, had been as utterly helpless as he.

Since he'd been born just a week ago, Callum had spent every spare second locked in his study hopelessly searching for some kind of remedy, a mission he knew was doomed from the start but had to cling to, only leaving to slip into bed with Rayla and let her hold him as they both sobbed.

His wife slipped into the room now, a soft thunk reaching Callum's ears before she was standing behind him, arms looped around his neck and chin on his shoulder. "Hey."

He clasped her hand. It felt like all the apologies he'd spouted every night could never be enough, not for her and not for Ezran and not for their poor little sickly child. "Hey. Um, how are you holding up?"

The past seven days, Rayla'd mostly been helping him not-really-grieve, stuck somewhere between denial and bargaining, bringing tea and food and soft kisses. Callum didn't know what he'd done to deserve it. He hadn't been able to comfort her, hold her tight and soothe her, at least not yet. They'd always both been so good at tamping feelings down to help the other.

She shrugged sluggishly, moving to sit on his desk in front of him and take his hands, gently stroking the soft, tender skin between his wrist and thumbs. "I'm- I'm okay. Ish."

Callum pressed his lips to her forehead not solely for the purpose of keeping his tears out of her sight. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Rayla."

She shook her head, arms snaking around him. "Don't. Your genes aren't your fault, your history isn't your fault, random bad luck isn't your fault. The universe hating us isn't your fault. I wouldn't change anything." She brought his hand to cover her still-swollen stomach, where the baby weight had yet to fade, and for a moment it was almost as if their son had yet to be born, and they were happily oblivious to the disease fighting tooth and nail to claim him since the second he'd arrived. As if things were as okay as they could be.

"Callum, I need to talk to you," she said softly, combing through his hair, and he moved to look at her because he owed her that at the very least.

"Yeah?" Whatever she said next surely couldn't be good, but he'd rather hear it from Rayla than anyone else.

"Callum, every second that child is alive is a miracle," she breathed, crying silently as her lips trembled, face splotchy. "If the worst happens, if we lose him... I want you to be there. I want you to know your son at least a little bit."

"Rayla..." Callum gasped out, shaking his head in disbelief. He'd known, but confronting that terrible reality was the worst thing that could possibly happen.

She caught his wrists, holding them in her lap and drawing him into her lap, tilting his chin up. "I'm not done yet. Callum, I..." She pulled the source of the earlier thunk closer to them from the side of the desk, settling her small, pale hand against the large, dusty tome. Callum didn't dare reach for it.

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[w3ath3r-0f-sw34t3rz]

a (not) mini rayla playlist 🪻⚔️🦋🫧💟🔗💤

you're on your own, kid (taylor swift) "you're on your own, kid // you always have been"

exile (taylor swift x bon iver) "you're not my homeland anymore // so what am i defending now? // you were my town // now i'm in exile, seein' you out"

old friend (mitski)

virgin veins (coma cinema) "virgin veins // hold the rushing pain // of a past that cannot die"

bobby (beabadoobee) "despite the love she'd get she dismissed // 'cause Bobby always saw the bad // blind to the life she had // who could've blamed her though? // bobby was fourteen years old"

sad, beautiful, tragic (taylor swift) "in dreams // i meet you in warm conversation // we both wake // in lonely beds // in different cities // and time // is taking its sweet time erasing you // and you've got your demons // and darlin' they all look like me // 'cause we had a beautiful magic love there"

milk of the siren (melanie martinez)

matilda (harry styles) "matilda, you talk of the pain like it's all alright // but i know that you feel like a piece of you's dead insidе // you showed me a power that is strong еnough to bring sun to the darkest days // it's none of my business, but it's just been on my mind ... anywhere you go, you don't need a reason // 'cause they never showed you love // you don't have to be sorry for doin' it on your own"

thorns (alex g)

homesick (boywithuke)

revenge (xxxtentacion) "i've dug two graves for us, my dear // can't pretend that i was perfect, leavin' you in fear // oh man, what a world, the things i hear // if i could act on my revenge, then, oh, would i?"

after the storm (kali uchis) "so if you need a hero (if you need a hero) // just look in the mirror (just look in the mirror) // no one's gonna save you now // so you better save yourself"

i'm your man (mitski)

sweet hibiscus tea (penelope scott)

little lion man (mumford & sons) "but it was not your fault but mine // and it was your heart on the line // i really fucked it up this time // didn't i, my dear?"

break (alex g)

take your time (chloe moriondo) "what do i have to do? // i wanna know // what will it take to make you let me go? // you don't fade like old stick and pokes // just swimming through my mind // i'll take a break, you take your time"

summer child (conan gray) "and you laugh and you dance in the wind // and you sway and you hug and you kiss // but there's darkness behind those eyes // even when you smile // oh, summer child // you don't have to act like all you feel is mild"

backstabber (keha)

duvet (bôa) "and you know i don't mean to hurt you // but you know that it means so much // and you don't even feel a thing // i am falling, i am fading, i am drowning // help me to breathe // i am hurting, i have lost it all // i am losing // help me to breathe"

see you again (tyler, the creator x kali uchis)

i was an island (john-allison weiss) "i was a fighter and i was so brave // but i lowered my sword when you held me and swore // you'd stay, stay, stay // i can't do this alone anymore // 'cause i'm no good on my own anymore // what did i do to deserve this? // what did you do to me? // baby, come back // you know i don't want to be free"

[ladyandherbooks]

Hi, @ladyandherbooks. Anon here. As always, I just wanted to say you're awesome, and I love your blog. With S6 Stars news coming to NYCC 2023, we are getting closer to Runaan and Rayla's parents being freed from the coins. So, if you're interested in sharing, what would you speculate and/or theorize what the Moonfam are constantly reflecting on and thinking about in their respective punishing circumstances.

And do you feel that Rayla will and deserves to go back home with her family if and when it does happen?

Hi anon,

Sorry about answering this so late but with the season 6 panel only hours away what better time to answer this.

Runaan: I think the most obvious is going to be the mission, his fallen comrades and Rayla. He's definitely going to be worried about her and hoping that she saved the Dragon Prince and is now back safe with Ethari. Speaking of Ethari, Runaan will definitely be thinking about him alot and he's probably hoping that he's not too sad about him not returning and that he's happy. And he's also going to be thinking about Lain and Tiadrin, especially since he now knows that they didn't run. I think that he'll also be very sad for them and Rayla as he knows how heartbroken she was when she believed that they had truly abandoned her.

Lain and Tiadrin: Definitely also thinking about their family. They'll be worrying about Rayla and hoping that she'll be okay with Runaan and Ethari when people discover that they've disappeared. They'll also be thinking about Runaan and Ethari and hoping that they'll be okay too. They'll also be thinking about Zym and hoping that he's okay and that Viren hasn't hurt him. I'm sure that they're also wondering about what everyone thinks happened to them and if they know that they tried to save Zym until the very end.

I do think that the ghosting can be reversed and I do think that Rayla will be going home at some point. She has to, at the very least to defeat Kimdael. My theory is that it will happen at the end of season 6 and that she'll be living there during the time skip between seasons 6 and 7 at the very least.

As far as long term goes, I do think that she'll move out of the Silvergrove though and will go and live in Katolis with Ezran and Callum.

[kehideni]

Ahhh realistically speaking i don't expect much of that from Season 6, too few episodes, too many threads to tie up. Although it's something i think would deserve a few episodes, or atleast an on screen "Sorry, if you give us another chance, we promise to do better." It's not only important message-wise but Rayla is a main character as well.

I'm affraid this is going to have to be explored in fanfiction.

On a side note, Aunt Amaya -with that one brief talk that she had with her- was really something Rayla needed so much so i wasn't even surprised Rayla hugged her.

ALSO! Also... can i just get angry on Rayla's behalf?

I mean the girl had like 2 pair of parents, and 2 other singular parental figures ALL of which gave her very bad advice at best and were hella shitty to her at worse.

As much as i understand that protecting Zim's egg was important, do tell me how it's healthy for a small child to basically have her parents tell her "Bye, we both gonna go and protect someone else's child with our lives instead of atleast one of us staying behind for you."

Runaan and Ethari in the comics were shown to struggle with getting her to coming to terms with it, and while majority of her time with them, they did relatively good Ethari GHOSTED her and Runaan refused to listen to her WITH THE PROOF OF THE EGG SHOWN TO HIM! That's a major thing that happened, you retard could have spared everyone of your assassin troop! GAAAAAAH

Then there is this Lujanne mothe- ehmmm, i made my thoughts on her clear several times. Tldr.: she stoopid

and the newest addition is Redfeather from Rayla's short story on the official website and while she had good intentions, she just didn't know the full background of Rayla to give usable advice and/or help >_>

Can someone PLEASE prioritise this poor fkin lost child?! I am this II close to adopting her, like dude... i... i just can't

You all need some soulsearch or something...

[jelzorz]

88b.

A companion to ia88 bc @raayllum and like three other people sent me asks asking for a rayllum reconciliation after Callum ?cheated.

The find each other a month after Callum flees from the inn.

He's camped in a clearing at the foot of the Umber Tor when Rayla happens across him looking taller and skinnier and worse for wear than he remembers. There are bags beneath her eyes and a nasty looking cut along her cheek, but she's the most beautiful thing Callum has ever seen, and his heart shatters in his chest.

The seconds pass between them like drops of rain on glass, aching and agonisingly slow, until Rayla opens her mouth with an apology on her lips.

"Callum," she whispers. "I'm so—"

Callum cuts her off there. Hedoesn't want to hear it. He can't hear it. Not after—

"Don't," he croaks. "Rayla. Please don't. I don't deserve—" He cuts himself off. He can't even look at her, the memory of the other woman's touch like oil against his skin. He'd flown to the nearest body of water the morning after and scrubbed until he bled, but it had still happened, and at least he knew, when Rayla left, that she still loved him, but he'd—

"I thought you'd be furious with me," murmurs Rayla, head bowed in shame. "You should be furious with me."

Callum shakes his head. How can he be angry at her when he'd forsaken her the way he had? "I—" He draws a breath. "There was—there was someone—"

Gods, how disgraceful. He can't even finish the sentence, and Rayla's eyes widen with hurt as understanding dawns on her face.

"There was someone else," she murmurs, looking away.

"Not like you," says Callum hurriedly. "Please understand, I didn't—I shouldn't have and you have every right to be angry at me, but they weren't you. And I—"

He cuts himself off a second time, but this time it's because Rayla crosses the space between him and draws him into a hug he'd had no idea he missed so much. Callum breaks in her arms because he's still so angry at himself, and he's angry at her, and at the skywing elf from the inn, and Rayla's sobbing into his shoulder like her thing even remotely matters after what he did—

"It's okay," she whispers. "It's okay. It doesn't matter. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I left and you should be angry at me for it. You deserve better, and if the other—"

"They weren't you," hisses Callum, clinging to her just as tightly, just as desperately. "There could never be anyone who could replace you, and I'm so—"

"Stop," Rayla whispers. "Stop. I still love you. Do you still—"

"Yes," chokes Callum. "Always."

Rayla manages a weak chuckle against him. "We'll be okay."

(And, of course, they are).