#I'm pretty stressed you 'now i fucking hate exams

[lambforester]

Still alive, yea

[weirdly-specific-but-ok]

Heylo my maggotsies... I'm sorry to do this but I have a thing that I really, really need to do (thank you Ash for helping me realise that) but I'm terrified to. so well. I'm going to make one of the posts (Neil reblogged me a couple of days ago so I feel pretty safe making one now since he only lurks by once in two weeks so this is as good a time as it gets to make a post and not expect many notes, yes I'm an overthinker and I'm actually scared of this getting notes).

Sigh. Here goes.

...I'm scared of even typing it.

Nope okay I can do this let's go.

If this post gets 1k notes, I'll look up jobs in design and film making that don't need a college degree.

2k notes, I'll sign up for an Alliance Francaise course so I can have another language on my CV, and I'll find a course that teaches me how to use design software.

5k, I'll look up distance learning alternatives, because just talking about physical college yesterday made me spend the whole morning and afternoon today in and out of nightmares screaming. Fuck.

10k, I'll tell my mum that I can't do the offline college. She's been talking to me about it, but I've been dodging because I'm not well-off and I really need to be earning and idk how to do that without college and I feel so guilty.

15k, I'll officially back out from the college (does that count as dropping out, if it hasn't begun? maybe half. i am a college and a half dropout, my 11th grade self would hate me and my 10th grade self would refuse to believe it).

I don't know what I'll do then. I don't know how to live as trans here in India, I don't know how to earn enough to be able to help my family, I don't know what I'm good at and I'm so fucking terrified. But. I spoke to @random-doctor-on-the-internet last night (I love you Ash you're such a fucking amazing human) and they made me realise that well maybe landing in a hospital with steroids to relieve an allergy attack because of exam stress isn't normal and so.

Well. Here I am. I know I can't do it, but I'm scared to risk everything, it's just not something people do here, dropping out. But also (TW s**cide statistics mentioned below the cut)... And so I've just. Got to do it, got to save myself and say no to college (cue say no to school, kids joke). Somehow be brave enough. And yeah.

To quote a financial express article: "In an alarming situation, a total of 7,62,648 suicides were reported in India between 2018 to 2022, Of this student suicides account for 7.6% at 59,239". Maybe if more people did say fuck you to the system here, that wouldn't be the case. That number could have been 59,240 (aside from everyone who wasn't counted and hushed up), that could have been me, and I don't want to put myself in that situation again. You know? Yeah.

[chrisbesitos]

Chris helping when young reader is stressing over university, pretty please?????

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀this is me trying.

( warnings: fluff, cursing, stress (?).

( synopsis: y/n has being struggling with stress because of the university and chris helps her.

Books, papers, pencil and pens. All over Y/N's desk, a pretty mess of study material because of a very important exam. She has three weeks to study, but for some reason, her mind can't relax, not until she gets ready for the exam. This is consuming her mind, she can't eat, she can't sleep, she can't live. She can't even cry, because with tears in her eyes, she can't read her papers.

This is unhealthy, yes, but she can't stop. She doesn't know how, if she knows she's getting crazy, she just doesn't know how to take a break and breathe.

She's been in the room for the whole day, it's 6 pm and Chris doesn't even know if she ate something. He has been out for a meeting earlier, he warns Y/N, he told her to take a break and eat. But her breakfast was still untouched on the table, not even a crumble was gone.

Chris hates her exams weeks, because he feels like she's losing her mind and he's slowly losing his girlfriend. Chris gets out to record car videos and she's still in the same place, he gets ready to sleep and she's there, talking alone about numbers and math. Y/N is smart, the smartest girl Chris ever know, but her insecure mind fuck with her all the time. Lately, Chris just can sleep when he realizes she's passed out on the desk, so he puts her on the bed, but after a couple hours she's awake again.

He moves towards his room, Y/N is there with her nose on her books. He walks carefully, Chris touches her shoulders and she jumps.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you, doll." He whispered, Y/N nodded, she gave to him a small grin and turned back to her study. Chris sighed, he frowned his eyebrows, he was really worried about her. "Doll, how long have you been here?"

"I'm studying, Chris." She said, impatient. Chris opened his mouth, but nothing came out, because he's not accustomed to this behavior from her. Y/N took a breath, Chris noticed how fail was her breathing. "I'm sorry, baby, I didn't mean to. But you're really disturbing me right now."

"What's the last time you ate something? Did you have at least water today?" Chris held Y/N's pen in her hand, he spined the computer chair, now Y/N is facing Chris.

Black bags underneath her tired eyes, any one could see how tired she was, not only Chris. He wishes she could see what she's doing with her. Chris caresses her cheek, giving her an upset look, Y/N makes a pout on her lips, she hates to see his boyfriend sad.

"I can't stop." She whispered, he could barely hear her crying voice.

"You have to. Doll, this is not healthy." Chris kneeled on the ground, he held her hands hard and put it on his chest. "You're not eating properly, not sleeping right, all you do is fucking math. You have to give a break to your little head, or else you're gonna break."

Her underlip trembled and tears began to get formed on her eyes, fat tears started to roll down her cheek and she started to sob uncontrollably. Her shoulders shake as she body too, she couldn't handle it anymore. Chris lifted and hugged her weak body, she shrank herself into his arms as she sobs loudly. He carried her on his arms until the bed, where he sits with Y/N on his lap, caressing her back and letting her put all her pain and tiredness out.

"Jus' let it out, I'm right here." Chris whispered in her ear, his voice in a low and calm tone. "I'm gonna hold you, doll. I'm not going anywhere."

Y/N took almost a hour to stop crying, she's still sobbing lightly when she's lifted her head and looked at Chris. Her face was wet by her tears and her nose was running, Chris' lips leaned upward in a small smile as he grabbed the tissue box on the nightstand from when Y/N was sick and Chris bought for her nose.

He helped her with her nose, after this, he pressed her lips on her forehead on a gentle kiss. Chris rocked her in his arms, caressing her back.

"I didn't know how to stop, I feel like if I stop, I'll fail my exam." Her voice cracked again, Chris massaged her scalp to calm her down. "I'm so tired, my head hurts and so do my stomach. I wanted help, but I don't know how to ask."

"I know how college can be stressful and your mind tricks you, makes you think you're gonna fail, but you're so smart. You work so hard, I can see your effort." Chris said, he offered a gentle smile. "You just need to learn how to study in a healthier way, no more be without eating and sleeping, you get it? We can work it together, I'm here to help you, I'm always here."

"I love you, baby." Y/N said, embracing her arms on his waist. Chris kissed her hair. "Thank you for being here for me."

"I'll always be here with you, I'm never gonna leave, 'kay?"

After this, Chris carried Y/N towards the kitchen, he prepared a quickly meal for her. While she eats, Chris cleans the mess from the desk, then he returns and carries her back to the room. He put on Y/N's favorite show, laying in the bed with her laying on his body, like she usually do. She didn't take too much to fast asleep, she was really tired. By the end of the night, Chris was happy that now she'll try to get a better study routine and Y/N was happy knowing her boyfriend will always be by her side.

please chris, help me with my college stress

tags ; @lizzymacdonald06 @deliciousluminaryanchor @lushjunkie @sweetreliever @watercolorskyy @ivysturnss @brianna-grace12 @blahbel668 @gabri3la-sturns @strnlxlqve @stvrnzcherries @unknvhx @pvssychicken @all4l0vee @i4longhairchris @sluttybitchformattsturniolo

taglist | masterlist

[jillsdoll]

--Summary-- You meet your Professor at a bar and it goes better than you expected.

NSFW Content, Oral Sex (F recieving), Vaginal Sex, Age difference! (I imagined Death Island Leon for this), Teacher!Leon x Student!Reader, dilfs with big boobies, Bad wording (English isn't my first language), and cringe. like big cringe. Also, this is my first fanfic, and I'm just transferring it from AO3 to Tumblr. I didn't do a rework sadly, but I hope it's not too bad-

You had always been a good student. You got along with everyone, even your teachers. Nobody could hate you, you were always cheerful, happy and nice to everyone.

But there was one single person that somehow hated your guts, and you never knew why.

Your history professor, Mr. Kennedy.

You didn't know why, but he liked everyone else in his classroom, except you.

Snarky remarks about your work were a daily occurrence by now, and to be fair, it did make you feel very upset. He just seemed so unbelievably mad at you, and for what?

Leon was a grumpy guy in his 40’s, and you were just a college student. You always paid attention in his classes, and you would always raise your hand at any given opportunity to solve a problem he had given, but everyone else got A’s and B’s while you got a D-.

It really sucked since it managed to lower your grade average by a lot. This guy really made you mad. You were a good student, and you had never done anything remotely wrong to him! So why was he being such an asshole towards you?

———————————♡———————————

Even if you were popular, you barely had any friends. And that was what brought you to this bar, all alone in a pretty dress, dolled up and wearing heels with a bit of makeup highlighting your features. To be honest, you were really lonely, and it had been a while since you had had the time to go out due to the stress of your exams.

But now? You had all the time in the world, and you could treat yourself for once. Well, the cheap bar down the street wasn’t exactly the best place to celebrate, but at least nobody you knew could see you get drunk with a few middle aged men, probably in their 40’s trying to get in your pants by buying you drinks.

Of course, you had always been a good girl, never believing in one-night stands and being a mere cocktease for those men, but hey! At least you get free drinks out of it!

Whenever you entered the bar in your short, beautiful cocktail dress, everyone’s eyes were immediately focused on you. You felt so… validated receiving this kind of attention from men (Even if they were just drunkards trying to fuck a young college girl ‘cause she’s got nice tits).

Most of them watched from a distance, including someone you would rather not have watching you right now. A few of them approached you at the bar, subtly stealing glances at your body, which was hugged tightly by the short dress. They’d buy you a drink, laugh with you, and stare as you danced the night away. You were having so much fun, and nothing could spoil that for you right now.

Well, that was until he approached you.

While you were dancing around with your strawberry mojito in hand, you could feel two rough hands slide up your waist. It made you flinch a bit as you could feel the person’s fingers squeeze your waist before sliding further down to your hips. You could hear a low chuckle from behind you.

„And I thought that little miss A+ Student would be at home studying with her parents. You do this all the time?“ You could hear a deep baritone voice rumbling behind you, arms wrapping around your waist. You knew exactly who this voice belonged to.

Leon fucking Kennedy, your history teacher.

Out of all people it just had to be him.

„Mister Kennedy, Sir- I can explain all this, I swear.“ You spoke, voice wavering a bit. This man could ruin your reputation alright. The worst thing was, you hadn’t even slept with anyone, but knowing the size of the stick up his ass, he would probably tell everyone you fuck middle aged men for drinks and money at a bar no one knew.

Fuck, you had to think. Fast.

„Mhm, you know I could ruin that reputation of yours within days now, darling. All it takes is a single rumor to ruin your entire reputation and future career.“ He whispered into your ear. You could hear the smugness on his face right now. Oh, how much you wanted to wipe that smirk off his face. But this man had power over you. He could ruin your reputation and make you fail your class, or even worse, get you expelled. Fuck, what were you going to do?

„What do you want from me?“ You asked softly, voice shaky and hesitant as you did not dare to look at him. You bit your lower lip anxiously, your teeth stained by your dark pink lipstick. But that was the least thing you had to worry about right now.

„Who said I wanted something from you, Miss?“ He replied, a low chuckle following once more. He was pissing you off. Man, this guy didn’t have a stick up his ass, it was a whole tree trunk.

You looked down at yourself, noticing the way his hands were caressing your waist. And Jesus fucking Christ, why did it feel so good? It wasn't supposed to. You repeated yourself once more, „What the fuck do you want from me?“

Your voice was shaky and you were at the verge of tears, thinking your hard-earned respect would go down the drain because of this asshole of a man. You were just having fun, dancing the night away and partying like every other college girl your age. But you had expectations to uphold.

„Just please, don’t tell anyone.. Please, sir.“ You begged your professor, voice at the verge of cracking as tears welled up in your eyes. You were desperate. Really desperate. And to be honest, Leon thought you sounded crazy hot begging him like that. How would you sound like begging for something else instead- Was he really just getting turned on by his student begging him not to tell on her?

He needs to get his mind out of the gutter. This was his student, for fuck’s sake. Plus, she was barely 18, not even allowed to drink alcohol. He should be telling on her instead of letting his hands slide across her body.

…fuck.

He was getting hard.

Just like that, he removed his hands from your body, and to you it felt so.. weird somehow. Like you wanted him to touch you more-

Stop right there. This man could be your father judging from his age.

Weeeell, he actually doesn’t even look that old. And goddamn, that shirt- it hugged his rather fit physique perfectly.

Wait, what were you thinking? There’s no way you would ever bang your professor (Even if he was very attractive and looked like he worked out a lot).

Silence filled the room after he removed his hands from your body, desperately trying to hide the obvious tent in his pants. His cheeks were tinted pink as he avoided your gaze, trying to stare at anything except you. Well, you were shamelessly checking him out.

A shame that he was your professor. One with a huge stick up his ass, too.

You have so tried to get in his pants.

Clearing your throat, you finally spoke up, breaking the long, awkward silence. „Look- Just please don’t say anything- I like coming here, and I don’t want you to ruin it for me just because you hate my fucking guts okay?“

Leon stared at you in silence, before gesturing at a table. Just then you realized.

Everybody was staring at you both. The music was suddenly really quiet. And that is when you took his hand as quickly as possible and led him to the table, sitting him down before taking your seat across the table.

„F’me, man.. never thought I’d come to see the day. You? Sitting in a bar, dancing the night away with some ugly guys in their 40’s just cause they buy you drinks? And I thought you were one of those good girls that always study so hard for every single test and exam... If I knew about all of this beforehand, I would've given you a better grade than a D-. That would’ve been if you had let me take you out on a date first, that is.“ He flirted, like it was second nature. You looked down, hands balling into fists at his statement.

„Listen, I’m not just some cheap whore- I don’t do one night stands, okay? In fact, I’ve never even had sex before and-“ you started yapping like a mad Chihuahua, before realizing what you just said.

Oh fuck.

You did not just tell him that, did you?

Leon’s eyebrows were raised in surprise before that smug smirk crept back on his lips.

„Oh? So you’re a virgin, I see.“ He chuckled to himself, causing you extreme embarrassment. To be fair, you were getting pissed. He was laughing at you just because you hadn’t had sex yet? How pathetic was that?

„Yeah, you probably can’t relate though. Have you ever seen yourself in that shirt? It screams 'Take me home with you‘! You– you probably have sex like 5 times a week!“ You continued yapping, making him laugh even more.

„Listen here - my sex life is none of your business, little girl. Why do you care so much about what I’m wearing? Were you checking me out, perhaps?“ He flirted effortlessly, not really helping with the redness of your face. You wanted to say something- a snarky remark, but you just couldn’t speak. You stuttered a bit, frantically trying to form a sentence inside your head, but nothing worked.

Leon, being the smug bastard he is, simply laughed at your inability to speak. „Fuck, you actually did? I never pegged you to be into older men, you know. So like, did your dad leave to get some milk and cigs?“

He clearly thought you had daddy issues or some shit like that.

„My dad is at home! I don’t fucking have daddy issues- why do you care so much, anyway? My family issues are none of your concern!“ you bit back at him, your eyes shooting daggers.

„...So I was right, you have some family issues.“ He replied, clicking his tongue as he shook his head at you.

„Hah, bet you even secretly have a daddy kink or something like that. Hey, I’m not kink shaming though, I like that.“ He spoke so casually, like he was talking about the weather.

You groaned, holding your head. „Your bullshit is giving me headaches. You’re so fucking nosy- and I would never call anyone that! Gosh, that would be so weird-“

Your remark didn’t faze him in the slightest, and you could soon feel a hand on your lower thigh. Your posture quickly straightened as you sucked in a breath, clearly surprised at the older man’s touch. But the thing was…

You didn’t hate it. Fuck, you’d go as far as to say you liked the way his warm hands felt on your body.

„You know you can confide in me, Sweetheart. C’mon, I won’t judge. You like being daddy’s good girl, right?“ He teased you, that same fucking smirk still on his lips. You hated that you actually got off on how he was talking to you. It didn’t help that his hands slowly crept up higher and higher and higher…

„A shame. You got a nice body, and a bright little head. And you’re putting all of it to waste. Fuck, if I was your age, I probably would’ve fucked you so hard, you wouldn’t even be able to sit, or even stand anymore-“ he remarked, as if he had no shame at all. Yeah, he probably just had too much to drink, right? He wasn’t being serious about what he said.

Then again, alcohol made you more honest. Did he really feel that way about you?

You had to try.

„If I offered you to do so, would you… take my virginity?“ You asked hesitantly, lips pursed together as you leaned over, giving him a heavenly view of your tits.

And that was apparently the only thing needed for him to finally snap.

He leaned forward, staring at you with his blue, piercing eyes as he scanned your body.

„You want me to fuck you?“ he whispered, and you could smell the bourbon on his breath. It wasn’t too unpleasant, if you were being honest.

You merely nodded when Leon scoffed and spoke in a lower voice, „You don’t know what you’re asking me to do, right? Yeah, I’m too old for you, even if you got daddy issues, I couldn’t just- you know, have sex with my student. How desperate even are you, offering yourself to a guy that could easily be your dad judging from the age?“ Leon spoke firmly, and you could see the way his cheeks went red.

„No you couldn’t, my dad is three years older than you.“ You remarked, the smug smirk on your face for a change. You were enjoying teasing him like this.

„Even so, I’m too old for you, sweetheart. And plus, you don’t mean that. You’re just a bit tipsy, and you don’t mean what you're saying. I’m sorry, darling.“ He laughed gently, his hand on your thigh squeezing lightly. You saw him bite his lip with a guilty look in his eyes, before you finally leaned in, your lips hovering over his.

„...Fuck, you’re such a Minx, you know that?“ He whispered against your lips, before closing the space between the both of you.

Damn, that actually felt kind of nice.

His free hand cupped your cheek affectionately while the other continued it’s dangerous shenanigans under the table, rubbing and squeezing the fat of your thighs.

„You really, really want me to take you home with me?“ He whispered into the kiss, messily licking into your mouth as soon as you opened it for him. You had seen enough romance movies to know that that was probably the best way to set the mood.

For a few minutes, you actually completely forgot that the both of you were actually still in the bar, having multiple men staring at the both of you.

But of course, you knew you two couldn’t do this here.

So you quickly pushed Leon away, effectively stopping him .

„Not in public. That’s weird, I don’t wanna have old men jerking off to me later.“ You started, frowning at Leon who simply laughed.

„Well, I’ll have you know that I will definitely be doing that later, you know.“ Leon shamelessly admitted, before his hand left your cheek to sit on top of yours.

„Are you really sure about this? There’s no backing out once we get out of here, y’know. I can't hold back after that.“ He whispered to you, and you could swear you saw a dangerous glint in his eyes.

„‘M really really sure, Sir, don’t worry about that, yeah?“ You flirted, a smile forming on your lips.

„Oh you naughty little-“ he rasped, before removing his hand from your thigh and taking out his wallet to slam money on the table for his drinks.

He gripped your hand tightly right after, dragging you outside of the bar really quickly, before taking you to his car. A BMW E36. He had good taste, you gave him that.

His hand was placed on your thigh for most of the ride, until you pulled into the parking lot of one of the most expensive hotels you had seen. Your jaw dropped in shock as you stared at him in genuine disbelief.

„What? First time? Oh yeah, forgot you’re a virgin.“ He teased you, before getting out of the car to open your door for you and pull you out of the seat. Just how fucking rich was Leon?

„Didn’t know you make that much money to be able to afford.. this.“ You muttered, utterly shocked as he led you inside. He quickly got the both of you checked in, and mere minutes later, you found yourself in the bathroom of the hotel room, looking into the mirror to see if your makeup was still intact. Well, luckily it was.

Well, that wasn't gonna last though.

As soon as you opened the door of the bathroom, you saw Leon sitting on the bed, in his slutty compression shirt which didn’t do a good job at hiding any of his muscles or his tits. You could swear they were bigger than yours.

„Okay, I’ll ask one more time. Do you really, really, really want this?“ Leon rasped at you, his gaze lingering over your body. You sighed softly, letting yourself fall back onto the bed as you looked at the ceiling.

„I wouldn’t be here if I was a pussy. Plus- maybe this could help me with my grade in history?“ You laughed softly, a genuine laugh. Leon's heart skipped a beat. Hearing you laugh was the most heartwarming thing he heard in a while.

He quickly turned before crawling on top of you fairly quickly, taking your hands in his. Fuck, you felt so small under him. You’d be lying if you said you weren’t soaked already. He placed a gentle kiss on your lips, before traveling down, trailing kisses along your jaw, down to your collarbone, until he reached your dress.

Right, that was supposed to come off.

„Take it off.“ Leon commanded, before going back to lazily kissing your neck, maybe biting down once in a while and sucking a bit too much, maybe creating a hickey or two (or 7).

Your hands reached for the zipper of your dress, and it wasn’t easy due to the fact you were literally on your back and Leon wasn’t making it better, covering the soft flesh of your neck in countless hickeys and love bites. As soon as you managed to pull the zipper down, you felt Leon’s rough hands trying to gently slip the tight dress off you, without breaking it on accident. You arched your back awkwardly as he removed the dress from your body.

Today was a great day to be wearing black lingerie.

„Funny how you say you haven’t banged anyone and you’re wearing that. Were you expecting to get laid today or what?“ Leon asked, his kisses traveling downwards until they reached your bra. His hands easily cupped your tits, before disappearing behind you, unclasping your bra with ease.

The poor article of clothing was quickly tossed away without a care in the world, before Leon’s thumbs slowly grazed over the hard peaks. He chuckled to himself, one of his hands sliding down further to explore your southern regions. He quickly followed after his hand, his face now directly infront of your pussy.

This was embarrassing, but you were rather surprised when you felt his finger poking at your underwear.

„You’re fucking soaked, baby. I could just slip my dick right in, and you’d probably be able to take it without much of a struggle.“ Leon commented, chuckling in between your legs. You merely gulped as soon as you felt his fingers hook around the edges of your panties, pulling them down and discarding them just like the rest of your clothes.

„Jesus fucking Christ, your pussy’s glistening. Are you really that desperate to get fucked by an old man like me?“ He mocked, before gripping your thighs tightly. You were about to say something when you felt him lick a stripe up your slit. You choked on a moan as you looked at him, eyes widened. He looked so relaxed, lazily licking another stripe up your cunt, making you let out noises you didn’t even know you could make. You covered your mouth rather quickly, embarrassment burning on your face as you apologized.

„Fuck, 'm so sorry-“ You apologized, noticing the way he looked at you in confusion. „The fuck are you apologizing for? Jesus, you sound so fucking divine.“ Leon stated, before getting back between your legs, but this time his tongue dipped straight into your poor, glistening pussy, his nose gently bumping against your clit. His tongue was inside you, and you could feel it. Your eyes were wet with tears and your head was thrown back, a loud, involuntary moan leaving your mouth.

Your hands were instinctively placed on his head, gripping his hair tightly as he ate you out on the expensive white sheets of this bed. Leon's hips desperately rutted against the bed, trying his best to get a bit of friction as his dick was painfully hard. The way you gripped his hair didn’t help either, or the fact that you were squeezing his head in between your thighs.

And fuck, your moans were so perfect. You sounded like a fucking porn star, moaning for him like that.

Tears were starting to spill from your eyes as you were clearly not used to any of this stuff.

But Leon was gonna teach you everything you needed to know.

That being said, it didn’t take that long for you to tighten around his tongue and cum all over his face and the expensive silk sheets of the bed.

You were panting really hard as you looked down at Leon, seeing his face covered in your juices.

Fuck, it was like a scene right out of a porno. The way the slick glistened on his lower lip and jaw-

You were too overwhelmed to realize that he came closer, before kissing you messily. You could taste yourself on his tongue.

„‘Kay- fuck I need to be inside you so bad.“ He whined, quickly unbuckling his belt and removing his pants while you tried your best at removing his shirt. You took a bit longer than you hoped, eventually giving up and tearing the shirt off him anyway.

To your surprise, Leon didn’t give a single shit and proceeded to remove his boxers.

…Oh, you were in for a wild night.

„Jesus fuck- That’s never gonna fit-“ You exclaimed, clearly more than just intimidated by his size. Leon just chuckled darkly, staring at you with that dark, malicious glint in his eyes.

„I’ll make it fit.“ He rasped, aligning his tip with your glistening entrance. Leon held onto your hips with one hand, the other trying to help you take him inside.

„Fuck, you’re slippery, can barely slide inside.“ Leon groaned softly, before finally managing to get the head of his dick inside. He bit his lip, already feeling how your walls hugged him tightly.

He gradually pushed more of himself inside, slowly, his ears focused on the noises you were making. You squirmed around a bit before he sighed and handed you one of the fancy pillows on the bed.

„Bite down on it if it hurts.“ He ordered, pulling out just a bit to slide himself deeper inside you, making your eyes roll back. He wasn’t even fully inside yet. Leon could soon feel the small wall of resistance, which he quickly surpassed with a single, hard thrust.

Your eyes rolled to the back of your skull as you let out a loud moan. He was now fully buried inside you. Leon was panting against your collarbone while waiting for you to adjust to his size, which was easier said than done.

„O-okay- fuck… you might bleed a little after this, but don’t be scared love, that’s normal-“ Leon whispered into your neck before looking up at you. You looked so fucked out. It took everything and more for him to not just finish inside your tight little pussy right away.

He waited for a few more seconds before gently pulling out and thrusting back inside you, watching the way your mouth stood agape and how your nails dug into the pillow you were holding. It normally took Leon a while to finish, but with you? He could fucking cum on the spot with the way you looked at him.

Tears welled up in your eyes once he starts with a slow yet hard pace. Fuck, he was so big- how was anyone supposed to be able to take him like that? His tip repeatedly hit your cervix, making you bite down onto the pillow in both pain and pleasure. It hurt, but at the same time, shivers ran down your spine.

Leon was so focused on watching his dick disappear inside your hole, biting his lower lip while he thought about recording this. You’d be fine with it, right? Fuck, what was he thinking? He couldn’t just touch himself to a video of one of his students getting dicked down by him.

But goddamn, if this would’ve been more than just a one-night stand, who knows? Maybe you’d allow him to film himself cumming deep inside you, too- Why was he even thinking about that now?

„Oh fuck- you’re so nice and tight, 's like you were made for my cock-“ He panted on top of you, beads of sweat running down his forehead. You on the other hand could barely think straight due to the aggressive fucking you had to endure.

„Kiss me please, daddy-“ You whined softly as tears ran down your face, your mouth standing agape while you tried your best at not being too loud. Leon quickly leaned in, combining both of your lips in a messy and desperate kiss. He messily began licking into your mouth while you gave him access, still not stopping his thrusts inside you.

You moaned into his mouth, feeling his chest pressing against yours, like he wanted your bodies to melt into one. He was hot and sweaty, but you didn’t mind it at all since you probably were, too.

Leon’s right hand quickly slid down, gently rubbing your clit to feel your walls tighten around him even more. He was trying to make you cum.

„Fuck, you feel that? You’re getting so fucking tight- You’re gonna cum, right?“ He groaned into your mouth, before continuing to make out with you. His thrusts got a bit sloppy as soon as he could feel his own orgasm building up.

„S-shit- wrap your hands around my throat, daddy-“ You whimpered beneath him, feeling his left hand gently choke you and make you feel lightheaded. Leon pounded you just a bit harder upon hearing that nickname again.

Your back arched a bit and you choked on a moan as you finally reached your climax. Your walls tightened around Leon, triggering his own orgasm and milking him dry. Leon humped against you for a bit longer, before eventually pulling out and leaving you feeling warm, yet empty inside.

He let himself lie down next to you, hair messy and sticking to his forehead due to the sweat on his body. You quickly got under the sheets, the cold air now feeling a bit too cold for your liking.

Neither of you said anything until Leon finally decided to speak up, „You’re not gonna tell anyone about any of this. Understood?“

You weakly nodded, nuzzling your face into his neck as your arms wrapped around him. Maybe he was actually less of an asshole than you thought.

„Also, don’t you even dare think that I will change your grade just because you’re the teacher’s little whore.“ He remarked with a faint chuckle following. His arms snaked around your upper body before he could feel your lips on his collarbone, placing a hickey there. He let out a low groan at the feeling, his hands gripping your hair tightly.

As soon as you were done, you admired the purple bruise on his collarbone, which would probably be easier to hide than the ones he had placed on your neck. Fuck, what were you gonna tell your parents?

Wait.

Oh fuck.

Your parents were still waiting for you at home. And it was already past midnight.

You quickly got up from the bed, still fully naked as you ran to the wardrobe to get your phone.

19 missed calls.

Oh, you were so fucked.

You quickly called your parents back, making up some lame excuse about how one of your older friends got drunk, and you helped him by booking a hotel room and taking him there.

Leon watched you, trying his best not to laugh as you stood there, making up some story while being completely naked after he fucked the shit out of you.

The call lasted about 5 minutes, and ended with you telling your dearest mother that you had your own hotel room and would be staying there. As soon as you hung up, you could hear Leon laugh his ass off.

You walked over to the bed before lying down next to him once again, getting under the covers before playfully hitting his upper arm while you pretended to be mad.

He teased you a bit more, before you yawned and rubbed your eyes, clearly exhausted. Leon played with your hair before placing a kiss on your cheek as you drifted off to sleep.

——————————♡————————————

The following morning, you woke up with Leon lying on your chest, sleeping like a baby. You smirked, taking your phone from the nightstand you had placed it on and took a photo of him.

Now it was your turn to laugh your ass off. Your grumpy history professor was lying on your chest, sleeping like a baby after you had sex.

You heard a low groan coming from his throat, and you shot a few more pictures, before he could open his eyes to look at the camera in front of his face.

„The fuck are you doing?“ He asked groggily, seeing you snap another photo of him. Just then, he realized you were snapping pictures of him.

He quickly snatched your phone away and deleted the pictures, before groaning a bit more about how his back hurt. Just then, you actually realized the way the both of you smelled. Like sweat and sex.

Yeah, it was definitely time for a shower.

As soon as Leon got up, you dragged him into the shower, placing him in there before getting in yourself. It was easy, considering the fact that the shower was huge. Like, it was twice the size of your shower at home.

Showering took a bit longer than usual, though, maybe because of the fact that Leon had to punish you for taking pictures of him while he slept. He fingered two more orgasms out of you, effectively overstimulating you until you swore you would never take pictures of him sleeping again.

Exiting the shower, you felt fresh, but at the same time, you could barely walk straight, your legs feeling like jelly.

The two of you finally got dressed and left the hotel together. He even drove you home like a true gentleman (as an excuse for taking your ability to walk normally). You thanked him as you got out of the car, and he quickly drove away, well not without winking at you and telling you to stay safe.

——————————♡————————————

The next Monday was your last day of school. You got your reports back, and you easily passed. Even though, you were really surprised to see a B+ as your grade in history. Just then, you checked your phone. You had gotten a text from Leon. Wait, since when did you have his number?

Leon ♥︎ Be happy I saved your ass by changing your grade. You owe me now. Today, 10:30 A.M.

Leon ♥︎ So… since this is your last day, can you drop by the teacher’s office after you get out? I got something for you. Today, 10:31 A.M.

A smile tugged at your lips as you looked at your phone before typing a reply.

You Does this ‘something‘ involve having sex at the teacher’s office, Sir? Today, 10:35 A.M.

You quickly put your phone away while giggling to yourself. The bell began ringing shortly after, and you got up with all your stuff. Taking out your phone, you read his reply.

Leon ♥︎ Maybe. Today, 10:35 A.M.

You sighed and chuckled as you made your way to the teacher’s office.

He was going to be the death of you.

(Credit for the dividers goes to @cafekitsune btw!) AAAAA thank you for reading this piece of brainrot I cooked up at 3am lol. Please let me know if you liked (or hated) this little fic in the comments aaaa (I also take commissions, plspls commission me I have 0 motivation to write anything on my own)

Tags:

[letters-to-lgbt-kids]

My dear lgbt+ kids,

I have been openly living as a trans man for some years now. And I'm at a point where it doesn't take up so much mental space anymore.

Don't get me wrong: I certainly do not mean "it doesn't matter anymore" here. I am not a "just call me whatever pronouns, I do not care" person and I don't think I ever will be. Nothing wrong with feeling that way, it's just not how I feel. Being adressed with my name and my pronouns is still important for my mental well-being, and it still triggers feelings of dysphoria when people misgender me.

Even apart from misgendering: My identity is still important, and it always will be! Being trans is not some small thing that loses its importance over time. It's who I am. Being a man - and having grown up in a society that told me I wasn't - influences the way I experience everything in my life (from my self-image to my relationships with others to... well, everything).

What I do mean here is: Before coming out to others, and also before coming out to myself and accepting myself as a man, there were naturally a lot of questions running circles in my brain. Why do I feel so sad when adults tells me I'll grow into a woman? Why does it cause me so much stress when mom tells me to put on a dress? Why does it make me so euphoric to use masculine scents? When I try to picture myself kissing a boy, why do I see two boys? Ah, I just learned trans people exist, why does this fascinate me so much that I can't stop thinking about it? Am I creepy for being so fascinated by them? I'm older now, why is that sad feeling not going away? Why is it only getting worse now that I have "grown into a woman"? Why do I keep getting this horrified feeling that I took a wrong route somewhere and was never meant to arrive at "woman"? Wait... could this mean I am trans? Is it too late to realize I am trans at my age? Can I really be trans when the whole thought of even just considering surgery feels overwhelming and scary? Will I ever be ready to actually come out as trans? I really want to get married some day, could I even find love as a trans person? Can I ever be happy in a relationship if I hide who I am? Can I go on living in the closet? Okay, I am trans and want to come out, is it safe to do that? Will my family still love me? Will I ever be brave enough to come out to people outside of my immediate circle? Will people take me seriously? Will people hate me? Will I regret coming out? What if I fuck up my life?

Well, I came out and the world didn't end. All these questions, I either found answers to them or they just dissolved over time - and that frees up a lot of energy and mental space. The space that was occupied by these questions and concerns is now available to me again.

I do not wonder if I am a man anymore. I just am one. It has become something that is just self-evident to me. It goes without saying - or without conciously spending time thinking about it. Of course I am a man, of course I am Oliver. Who else would I be?

We all have a limited amount of things we can focus on, and many trans people share this experience that over time they do not need to focus so much on it anymnore. But this is not unique to the process of figuring out you are trans - in the sense that a cis gay, bi, ace etc. person could also relate to this, but also in entirely non-lgbt-specific ways. Think about a person prepping for an important exam for example. A lot of their energy and mental space will be tied up in exam related questions... which obviously will not be a permanent state. After the exam, they will naturally no longer by preoccupied by wondering how the exam will go!

I'm telling you all this because one of you asked me if I struggled with coming to terms with being a trans man - and this is my very long way of saying: Yes, I did (and it's pretty normal to do! It's a really big realization about yourself!) but struggling isn't a permanent state.

You'll find answers to some questions, some questions will just fade away. You'll figure things out.

With all my love,

Your Tumblr Dad

[goat-guy-tm]

Mouthwashing headcanons that I cannot get out of my head;

Organized by character cause I'm normal

Jimmy is at the very bottom so you can skip him if you want.

This bitch is long and took me like two hours to write I wanna lay down...

Curly:

Bisexual Trans man because honestly he has a bit of t-boy swag

For some reason I have convinced myself he's 37. IDK why.

Comes from a pretty big family. He's the second eldest of 8 kids, his older sister is technically only a half sister but still.

He has two moms and one abusive/dead beat dad. Idk I can't explain it I just feel it in my brain that he's got two moms.

He's a mama's boy but in like a good way, not a weaponized incompetence way.

He's technically a nepo baby. His grandfather on his bio-mom's side is a director/board member of Pony Express, thus why Jimmy constantly talks about him "getting his life handed to him on a silver platter". His grandfather actually had nothing to do with him getting the job, as he has a different last name and no one actually realized they were related for a WHILE. He is the reason Curly dreamed of being a space-crafy poilt though.

He smokes cigarettes often. When he gets stressed he smokes a lot more, but he's in denial that it's a problem. Jimmy got him into smoking in the first place, peer preassuring him into it. Jimmy now conviently always seems to have packs of cigarettes on him during hauls when Curly never brings them, specially for when Curly gets stressed. (Not in like a gay way, in like a manipulative way to keep him subconsciously needing Jimmy in some way)

He is surprisingly strict when it comes to "no fraternizing with subordinates". He likes to keep his work and personal life seperate, and especially to not allow any feelings to be developed for any of his crew mates.

His first name is Grant, he was named after his father and eventually grew to hate his first name because of how horrible his father was, but he keeps his first name because his mom likes it on him, it helps her connect better memories to that name instead of the horrible ones his father gave her.

Jimmy was his only friend for a while, which is why he is so die hard about wanting to believe Jimmy is a good guy, plus Jimmy manipulating him for so long to believe Jimmy was the victim of a lot of stuff.

He is a fucking mountain of a man when it comes to muscles. Bro is buff as fuck and scary when he wants to be.

He's been the captain of the Tuplar since he became a captain (roughly 11 years). That ship is his baby.

Anya:

She's omni, if you asked her to really identify her sexuality she would say it's complicated, but she just says she's bisexual.

I feel like she's in her early/mid 30's for some reason? Like 33 at the time of the game. I know realistically she could more so be like, 26-28 (assuming she tried getting into med school the SECOND she was graduating high school)

She's been part of the Tuplar's crew for roughly 4 years, she was transferred to them after getting the medical certification from Pony Express to be an on-board nurse. Before that she had worked with another crew for a while.

She also smokes cigarettes. Significantly less than Curly does, but she still does from time to time. She started after her 4th try into med school, where she then got extremely drunk to cope with failing again, and had drunkenly bought a pack of cigs. She eventually regretted it, but was also in such a low point mentally that she thought "why the hell not" and started smoking regularly. Eventually she smoked more when stressed, which was when she was studying or getting ready for an exam of some kind. Because of this her regular smoking went to her smoking a fuck ton before and after stressful events (mostly tests) because her body has subconsciously attached to that helping her study.

She is an only child. Her mother died when she was a teen, which eventually led to her and her father having an estranged relationship. After her mother's death, her father went into an almost debilitating depressive state, becoming an extreme workaholic and albeit unintentionally neglecting Anya during her teen years. Now-a-days they are doing much better and are trying to reconnect with each other. Her father adores her and becomes devastated when news of her death on the Tuplar eventually reached him.

While Anya is not shy in any way, she is commonly seen as so simply because she keeps to herself a lot.

She worries quite a lot about money since her family didn't make a lot in the first place, and her mother was a big financial gash on them, which led to pretty extreme finance anxiety.

She's actually a big horror fan, especially horror books and often gets a bit too into them and feels like she's being weird about them, but no, she just really likes them.

Her intrest in phycology is spurred on by this, as reading phycology books makes her start to wonder about villian's reasonings. Jimmy would have been an interesting case for her if he hadn't been who he was.

If asked about any of her interests she will start to excitingly info dump, only to get embarrassed and stop, and refusing to continue when told it's fine.

Caffeine addict. She gets ungodly amounts of extra esspresso in any coffee she drinks.

She would read Warrior Cats.

Daisuke:

Pansexual trans guy. You see that Hawaiian shirt? That's peak t-boy swag right there. Lost his mind when he learned Curly was trans too.

Most likely either 20 or 21, making him the baby of the crew. Swansea balks at him every time Daisuke mentions it cause he's the same age as Swansea's kids.

He is autistic, one of the biggest reasons he has trouble figuring out what he wants to do with his life as he physically is not capable of imagining what his life will be like a few months from the present.

He would have been a DeviantArt kid, and an Animal Jam kid.

He gave the whole crew fursonas within the first week of working there. He also gave them ponysonas, but then he threw away Jimmy's after hearing what he said about Polle.

I feel like he has an affinity for small bugs. He loves saving them from being stuck in rooms, and get actually really angry when someone kills one for no reason. He snapped at Jimmy once for smushing an ant that had somehow gotten onto the ship. Reasonably there was no way to save it but Daisuke was still pissed about it.

He has a pretty strained relationship with his mother, even though he is still actively trying to gain her approval. His dad is pretty removed from his life, his dad is there, but anytime Daisuke asks his dad to stand up for him or anything his dad just shrugs and tells him to just talk it out with his mom. His mom doesn't want to talk it out. That's why he tries to get Swansea's approval, and especially feels bad when he gets injured in the vents Swansea specifically told him not to touch. (His cousins are the ones to hold the funeral for him, his mother says she wishes he would have at least done something productive before dying like that. [she's half an asshole, half going through immense guilt])

He is an only child. He had always wanted to be a big brother, and had asked for a little sibling so many times but his parents kept refusing, eventually he stopped asking but he still wished he could have been an older brother.

He has a really weird addiction to root beer.

I can't explain it but I feel like he'd be a big SCP Foundation nerd.

Swansea:

CisHet ally. Everyone is scared he is homophobic when they first meet him, but he knew his kids were gay before they did.

He was a veteran. Ended up getting medically discharged which was one of the things leading him into his alcoholic days.

He has three kids; two daughters and one son.

He has been working on the Tuplar almost as long as Curly. He joined the original original crew about 5 years into Curly being captain.

If Curly wasn't the only one allowed to use the food synthesizer and if they had actual food on the ship he would have been cooking meals for the crew every night to feel like he was at home again.

He pretends to hate it, but his music taste is 90% white girl pop. He also listens to like metal and rock, but still.

A girl dad through and through. His daughters are the world to him. Extra why he was so pissed and passive aggressive with Jimmy after Anya told him what he did to her.

Had a punk 'phase' during his teens. Still punk in beliefs, just not apparencies.

He's one of those old Brexit geezer types.

He and Curly keep betting on football (soccer) whenever not on hauls. Spoiler; Curly keeps losing.

His family and Curly's are actually surprisingly close. Whenever their respective family members are off on hauls during the holidays the two families spend them together.

I like to imagine his wife's name is Ophelia. I can't explain why, I just feel like she has some ethereal real pretty name.

His wife and Curly's moms have girls nights every week. Eventually Anya got roped into them when the ladies learned of her (to Curly's dismay).

He won't admit it, but he acted like a dad even before Daisuke joined the crew. He found himself often looking out for Curly when he thought the younger wasn't taking care of himself.

He has hand made bracelets from all his kids in his dorm. He hides them to keep up the tough guy act.

Jimmy: (cw; mentions of obsession, codependency and referenced suicide)

He thought he was bisexual, but it actually is just a really bad obsession with Curly. Otherwise I chose not to think about his sexuality.

He is the same age as Curly, 37, but maybe a few months younger than him (which is another thing he holds against Curly for some reason).

He joined the Tuplar crew a few years before Anya did, but wasn't promoted to co-pilot until the year Anya joined the crew.

He unironically uses Reddit and 4chan

One of his only hobbies includes doxing kids online.

He is like, the worst kind of brony you could have the misfortune of meeting.

He is an orphan and has been since his pre-teen years. It's what left him with nothing and did horrible things to his mental perception of his life.

He met Curly when they were both about high school age. He instantly became attached to him and would get extremely jealous when Curly would seem to have any other friends beside him.

Because of this he became very manipulative to Curly, constantly playing the victim card and then acting like Curly not believing him meant Curly hated him. This got to Curly pretty bad, and is one of the only reasons they stayed friends for so long.

The only reason he got into weight lifting is because he knew Curly worked out regularly, but it never really entertained him so he barley did it.

He thought he held power over Curly, unbeknownst to him he had actually made himself quite co-dependent on him.

The only reason he started working for Pony Express was because Curly had. He became quite angry though when they were not originally put onto the same crew, and weren't until Curly was promoted to a captain and given his own ship.

This is when he started the "Curly gets whatever he wants and was handed his life" thought, trying to find any way to reason why Curly was promoted so young and fast but he wasn't.

Even with his obsession with Curly, he doesn't spend a lot of time with him outside of hauls. His feelings would filp flop between obsession and disgust towards him. It doesn't help that Curly's family doesn't like him anymore.

He calls Curly 'Grant' because he knows Curly hates it and only ever does it to piss him off and then call him an asshole for getting mad at him, cause they are supposed to be friends, aren't they?

In his mind, if he isn't in some way better than Curly then he is nothing.

It wouldn't be till before he takes his own life that he realizes Curly is his life and has been since they were teens, and that without Curly he felt like he was nothing.

[multifandomslxt]

Nct 127 as fratboys Pt.1

I enjoyed this wayyyyyy too much lmaoo

Taeil

first off

baby he don't wanna be here lmaoooo

He don't even know how he got in a frat in the first place

he majors in one of three things

comp sci

finance

or accounting (Yes finance and accounting are different)

Taeil wouldn't be your typical frat boy

he's definitely turning his assignments in on time

and he is never

and I mean NEVER up for a party

but allows it to happen anyway

however, if its finals season...

He is the one who shuts the party down when the clock touches 12

"Everyone get the fuck out! You have exams in a few hours"

The father of the frat honestly

He's pretty laid back and doesn't bother anyone

Some would think that he doesn't get laid either but c'mon now

he fucks around ALOT!

Don't let him fool you

Has had a threesome multiple times

but don't tell anyone I told you that

He hates the parties but always gets 4-5 BJs at each

and guess what y'all

if you fuck him

NO ONE WILL KNOW!

he won't brag about it and he won't tell a soulllll

If his friends are eyeing someone he's been with b4

and they ask him about her

trust and believe this man won't say a word

he'll shrug and be like "Ion know"

ughhh and he pulls easily too

Usually he beats around the bush

but always makes it clear he doesn't want anything serious

all in all he's a sneaky and quiet fratboy

lol

Johnny

Yeah...

everybody knows about this bitch right here

He is a business major.

Period

do not question the facts

doesn't give too much fucks about his grades though

as long as he gets a degree after this shit

he's good.

He would be known as the irresistible heartbreaker

cuz he WILL pull you in

and then drop you after he fucks.

I'm just being honest here y'all lmaoo

He is THE life of the party

like if a party is happening and he ain't there...

it's gonna be lame asf

He and Jaehyun are notorious for making their coma-inducing

jungle juice

Surprisingly he has a good fashion sense for a frat boy

oh and he definitely comes from a rich family

so yk he's driving his car around blasting

Drake and Tyga

Smokes hella w33d btw

like I'm not even joking

his circle clean as hell though

vibes are always through the roof

He fucks every other day

and everybody knows he does

why?

because he posts about it on social media

yup.

i said it.

He would definitely tag your ass too

so if yk you don't like the inanet knowing

that your- in his words- "pum pum wetter than the ocean"

then leave this man alone

lmaoooo

overall a menace and a jerk- typical fratboy (I'm sorry I wanted him to be sweet too lol)

Taeyong

He's a nerd.

I'm sorry but Taeyong does not belong in a frat 😭 jk k

but

He 100% has his legos displayed in his room

like don't even say it's not true

His idea of a fun time is spending hours building a lego set

He's definitely a communications major

maintains a relatively good gpa

so he's ight.

And a ladies man

Oh yupp

Everyone who has his twitter sees his posts about pussy eating.

And lemme tell you something

Bitches have lined up in front of the frat to get eaten out by this man

ya hear me???

And he brags about it on the dl

would be notorious for attending 2-3 parties for the semester tho

why?

his legos.

he NEVER has a shirt on

I swearrrrrr

he also smokes w33d with Johnny sometimes

but doesn't do it often bcz it tends to fuck him up a bit too much

can't roll one to save his life lmao

in terms of fucking he only does it when he's stressed

Did a threesome with Taeil once

He's the type to stare you down from some creepy ass dark corner at a party if he finds you hot.

He's definitely not the type to just tell anyone that he ate you out or fucked you randomly

but if one of his friends were to ask him

he's telling it all and giving you a rating outta 10.

for your sake

you betta hope he don't give you anything below 6.

[someone-who-loves-kpop-saranghae]

Uljima

Pairing: Niki x Jungwon x Reader

Lee: Reader

Switch: Jungwon

Ler: Niki

Genre: Fluff, Enhypen Fluff, Sweet Home, Cheer Up Ts, Zombies, Friends, Niki Fluff, Jungwon Fluff, Enhypen Tickle, Niki Tickle, Jungwon Tickle

A/n : So I had a sleepover at my friends house last night as I'm writing this and we watched Sweet Home until 1am and I had the idea to write a Fic about it. It did not happen like this but I liked the idea, so I hope you like it too.♡

You were at a sleepover at your friends house. Jungwon and Niki invited you and you first went to the movie theatre together and now you were sitting there in Nikis gigantic room where you were sitting on the big grey, comfy sofa. You sat between them and you were actually tired and freaking scared since it was 0am and you three watched the K-Drama 'Sweet Home', a Zombie Drama. It was soo good but the Zombies were so damn scary and even the characters were so scary since they all had this nose bleeding. It was so disgusting but you loved this Drama.

The two boys next to you were pretty calm and watched it in peace while you flinched whenever there was a Zombie on the screen. Then this disgusting spider-human-zombie came on the screen again and you flinched again and let out a little scream. You hated this creature since you feared spiders like nothing else and this zombie was all bloody. So it wasn't you favourite look of a zombie, if there would have been one. Both boys looked at you and Niki smirked and shook his head, laughing at your cuteness.

Jungwon looked at you and he looked at you shivering and eyes widened. He wanted to calm you down a bit since you were THAT scared. So he just poked your side, not expecting much. He better had expected more. You screamed and fell on Nikis lap, not laughing but screaming in fear. Jungwon looked so damn sorry and his eyes grew so big as you screamed. Niki hugged you and rubbed your arm to calm you down and you slowly carched your breathe.

Jungwon felt so bad for scaring you that hard and apologized thousand times. "Oh my god Honey I'm so sorry!!! I'm being honest, I apologize, I'm so damn sorry! I didn't want to scare you that much! I didn't even want ro scare you!!! Omg I apologize I apologize I am so fucking sorry!!!!" Niki helped you to stand up and you told Jungwon that it was okay since he didn't want to do this but Niki was in soft Ler mood and he did not agree 100% with you.

So he sat next to Jungwon and randomly hugged him. The drama continued but nobody minded it since Jungwon was starting to feel uncomfortable because Nikis Fingers lightly ran up and down his tighs. "Niki watcha think you're doing?" he asked. "Ohh what do you think Hyung? I think you know it. We both know you need at least a tiny punishment for scaring poor Y/nah to death. Then he started squeezing Jungwons thighs softly and the older one started laughing and giggling and trashing around in the youngers strong arms. "Yahahah Nahahah Nihihihikihiihih Nahahaha" he tried to stop Niki by grabbing his wrists and pushing him away but ofc it did not work and he was helpless hugged and tickled by Niki. Luckily Niki was a gentle Ler today. So he just wanted to lift the mood and make his friends happy and not tickle them to death. He does this often enough.

So he let go of Jungwon soon and the two continued watching the Drama while you lied down on your bed, turning your body away from the screen so you only heard the scary sounds.

A/n: I personally don't think this Drama is THAT scary but I thought it would be a fun Idea, so let's continue...

The boys soon saw you, shivering and not looking happy at all so they decided to cheer you up a bit. The turned off the TV and sat next to you on your bed. Niki on the right, Jungwon on your left.

You were not only shivering because of the drama, it was not THAT scary. Okay it was scary but not that extremely. The last days, weeks, months you were extremely stressed and you had many exams and stress because of school. You were also a bit depressed again since some guys from school were stressing you again and your teachers were awful too. You did not get enough sleep either. All this was just too much for you.

"Heyy Y/n are you okay?" Jungwon asked and sounded a bit worried. He sat next to you and pulled you near to him and hugged you tight. Niki joined and stroke your head. "Please tell us, u know that we're always there for you, right?" Those comfy words made you cry. You let out all of the stuck feelings of the last days, weeks, months. You cried your eyes out and the boys just sat there, hugged you and were there for you like they always were. "Nohoho nohothing is okahahay" You cried and Jungwon asked gently: "Do you want to tell us?". Niki signed him that you first should catch your breathe and they were holding you as long as you were crying and longer.

"I'm sorry it was too much these days..." You said quietly and tears started rolling down your cheeks again. "Ohh c'mon don't cry again! Uljima Jagi" Niki said and as you did not stopped, he gently stroke your sides with his fingers. Jungwon guessed the sign right and did the same at the other side. You flinched but it didn't help at all since they were on both of your sides. You did not stopp crying but you let out a few tiny giggles. "Nahaha stahahap" Jungwon seemed happier. "There they are! Your sweet adorable giggles. Stop crying please and let me hear more of these~" He said and chuckled since you blushed softly.

Niki nodded and as you did not stopped he started to spider your side and tummy and Jungwon did the same. You shrieked and giggled more, your tears finally stopped. "Nahahha staahahahahp pleahahahase I dahahahn't crahahay ahahanymohohore" You tried to remind them but they just didn't mind and continued tickling you softly. You were trashing around a bit but since they were everywhere you realized that you won't be successfull escaping them and stopped and just took it.

They continued and sometimes Niki poke a few of your ribs or Jungwon was blewing in your neck to earn some extra giggles but they did not wanted to tickle you to death so they just did it to cheer you up a bit and calm you down. After like ten minutes they stopped and you rolled yourself into a small ball of yourself.

"Thahank you guhuys I think I neheded thahat" You said quietly and thankfully and they smiled and hugged you again. "Do you want to tell us now?" Jungwon asked carefully but you weren't in the mood to cry again so you just nodded and cuddled then softly. "I am just so exhausted of being stressed all day by exams, study sessions, teachers, friends, parents... It's like everyone and everything wants to stress me now. I wrote so many exams the last weeks and I had no afternoon without studying at least an hour. And I have not slept well for a month or longer now." You explained. They listened to you and you felt like being understood.

And they did understand you since they often felt the same way as you. "Oh we didn't know! But thank you for telling us! If you want us to, we can cheer you up more often, just tell us" Jungwon told you and at first you thought that he was joking but after you looked at him you saw that he was completely serious. " Yeah he's right." Niki agreed and you smiled thankfully. You knew you would never tell them you're a Lee but you were so thankful having such great friends. "And now let us help you to sleep good" Jongwon layed down and pulled you with him. Niki also layed down and you three were cuddling all night until you all fell asleep and to the next morning and longer.

A/n: Okay so this ff took me two nights, I hope you enjoyed it! I'm really trying my best to write good fics. Thank you guys 🫶🏻

[lavender-romancer]

Hi! Can I request a teotfw imagine James x reader where you’re pregnant? Maybe after his dad dies or when he’s recovering on the hospital? Thanks!

Typical

James x Reader

CW: pregnancy, abortion possibility, stress

Just after James' dad died you began getting sick in the mornings and it was horrifically ironic how typical this was for your life

”*°•.˜”*°•. ˜”*°•. ˜”*°••°*”˜.•°*”˜.•°*”˜.•°*”˜

It was typical, fucking typical of your body to do this to you now of all days! James' dad was hardly dead a day before your body decided to give you those two taunting red lines on the stupid piss stick. You'd got the flu just before your GCSE exams started and then a few years later just before your A Levels you got tonsillitis. You were convinced at this point that your body was just the main saboteur in your life who always gave you some kind of issue that never quite fit with the circumstance you were in because it hated you.

Under normal circumstances you didn't know how James would react but under these circumstances? You didn't even think he'd want to keep it. Did you want to keep it? You weren't sure. Either way it had happened and you weren't going to tell him straight away because Jesus Christ it would be bad timing.

You'd only been dating for three years and how could either of you know if you wanted a little monster crawling out of your vagina when you were both only 20. James wasn't the type to lead and you most certainly were the leader out of the two of you, he would just go with whatever decision you made. On one hand that was brilliant, very supportive and progressive but you wanted his true opinion, you didn't want him to resent a child you had together if he wasn't ready. How the shit were you supposed to get out of this one? You decided to message Alyssa, her cynicism would be welcomed by you at this point.

You: I need your help with something...

Alyssa:oh god what's happened now?

You:I'm pretty sure I'm 🤰🏾

Alyssa: shit

Alyssa: have you taken a test?

You: yeah so I'm pretty certain

Alyssa: have you told James?

You: not yet

Alyssa: you need too Y/n, like you definitely need too

You: I know I do but it's just after his dad I don't know if it's the right time or if I should wait

Alyssa:god it's like my brother and sister having a baby together, the thought of you two having sex is just 🤢

You: alright Alyssa fgs, I don't know what to do or how long to wait to tell him

Alyssa:if I were you I'd tell him as soon as possible so he has time to like digest the information

You:I think I might give myself a few days, do a few more tests and then tell him so I'm sure and I'm not messing around with his head

Alyssa: yeah tbf doing a few more tests seems logical but you just need to calm down and let yourself process it too because it's a shit load of information to deal with

You: yeah thanks I needed someone to just talk straight with me because I don't know if I can even tell my parents

Alyssa: yeah I definitely wouldn't be telling mine ahah ☠️

You: alright, I'll let you know what I end up doing, talk to you soon xx

Alyssa: talk soon xx

You had to decide how to act around James when you left this bathroom and even that was daunting for you. The little two bedroom flat you and James lived in together didn't have to many places where you could be alone and think about everything. You flushed the toilet and hid the stick in your pocket, too worried to put it into the little bin in the bathroom.

Looking at yourself in the mirror you tried to breath in and out but you couldn't believe this had happened. The feeling of guilt was so deep in your stomach even though you knew it wasn't a case of fault you couldn't help but feel it was yours. James wouldn't choose to have a baby when his dad's body wasn't even cold and you didn't know if he would be honest about his feelings about the pregnancy.

You excited the bathroom anxiously and walked into the front room where James was watching some shit nonsense TV. He smiled at you as you entered and you put a fake smile on as you approached him and sat next to him.

"You alright? You were in there a while?" James asked as you shuffled down and leant your head on his lap.

"Yeah, stomachs just playing up," you said softly and James started to stroke your hair as a way to comfort you.

It made you want to cry how tender he was with you, he would never hurt you or want to hurt you and you couldn't understand why he cared about you so much. You were both so young but you were happy with one another and your very small peripheral of friends you had together. But James...he was your person, he understood you most of the time and always let you know that you could tell him anything. You'd never felt so much affection from someone and yet you were scared you might loose it even though he'd never given you reason to believe that.

"What do you want for dinner?" James asked, cutting through your self deprecating thoughts.

"Uh...not sure. Comfort food probably, I'm not feeling the best at the moment and I know you aren't either so maybe just some pizzas for us?" You asked and James smiled, leaning down and kissing you on the temple.

James could tell something was wrong but he didn't want to press you for answers until you wanted to tell him. Most of the time you'd come around sooner or later and open up to him and he usually didn't press you for answers because it made you close up more. But after his dad's death he'd realised he couldn't mince his words anymore, there wasn't any time to be secretive or wait for answers because we were all dying or just waiting for death. He knew sooner or later he needed to ask you what was wrong.

You brought the pizza delivery into the front room a few hours later and James smiled up at you as he took his boxes. Sitting down next to him you watched TV and just ate pizza without really using your brain, you needed that thought eating numbness that evening crap TV gave you. Any thoughts going through your brain were purely self deprecating and pathetic. Pregnancy or abortion weren't the end of your life but you couldn't help but feel that either decision would be the wrong one, you just wished it had never happened and you didn't have to go through this horrible process.

The following day you went to the doctor's for an emergency appointment because you felt like you were losing your mind and you were too scared to do another test at home.

"So your results are coming up positive for pregnancy," The doctor told you as she sat back down at her desk "Do you want any information on your options from here?"

"I mean, I think I know what they are. I'm just...I'm scared about what my boyfriend will say," your eyes started to water and you put your head in your hands "He's just lost his dad and I don't know when to tell him or when is the right time."

"Here, take some tissues," she offered you a box and you took a few "Well, you're only at around 2-3 weeks right now, then you have until 23 weeks to make a termination decision so you have time to come to terms with this. However I would make note of when it's around 20 weeks just incase you and your boyfriend need that time to have a conversation."

"That's true, I do have some time I just feel so guilty like I'm not being honest with him and I just don't know how to have this conversation because we're so young." You wiped your eyes and looked at the floor as your legs dangled off the side of the examination bed. You felt like a child swinging your legs, still mentally dealing with issues like you always had with avoidance.

"You know this is your decision, it's more of your own ethical decision to tell your boyfriend. Even though I would reccomend informing them, it doesn't mean it's required or anything like that." She told you with a supportive smile and you nodded.

"I think it's just the language I would use to tell him that I'm struggling with. Like I don't know if he would see it as a blessing or a mistake you know?" You rubbed your temples.

"Have you ever brought up the idea of children to him? Just trying to gauge his opinion of having a pregnancy." She asked and you shook your head.

"Oh god was I supposed too? Is that a normal conversation Jesus Christ we're so weird. I've never even considered it and I know that's stupid but I've always been on the pill and had no issues so I guess I didn't want to see it as a possibility." You put your head in your hands and groaned.

"You have a lot of options, I'm going to give you these leaflets about different options and if you read through these at the right time you can have the discussion with your partner." She handed over three leaflets.

You got into your car with your paperwork of the positive test and the leaflets and just cried, you sobbed for the life you had now taken from you and James because whatever you chose to do it would completely change everything. You had three options, three pathways that could change your life forever and you didn't know which was the right choice. How were you supposed to know what to do when this had never happened before and had never been on your radar like it was now?

The 'morning sickness' before had just been feeling nauseous but now you were actively bring sick basically every morning for weeks on end and there was no way to hide it. You just had to pretend you had some kind of flu or food poisoning everytime. Having to hide your cravings was getting mentally exhausting at around 6 weeks, you decided olives and strawberries were the ideal meal for you one night. James had looked at the food with a curious expression but didn't press you for any answers. You were getting worried he would never bring it up and that meant you'd actually have to say something to him.

One day at around 8 weeks you found yourself holding your stomach whilst watching television as James came in from work. Your front door opened into your front room and he immediately saw you cradling your stomach and the collection of weird foods out in front of you like pineapple and chili flakes. It made him anxious, even more than usual.

"Y/n, is there something you need to talk to me about?" James asked as he sat down next to you.

"What do you mean, lovely?" You asked innocently as your muscles tensed up.

"The being sick, the weird food you've been eating lately and holding your stomach I just..." He trailed off.

"What this?" You asked as you sat up gesturing to the pineapple "No, this is a Mexican food or treat or something, fruit or sweets with something spicy. It's totally normal but I think it reacted weirdly with my stomach which is why I'm holding it." You put on an anxious smile and James did an over dramatic breath out.

"Well that's good, I thought you were pregnant for a minute there ahah. That would be a nightmare. I mean, at some point yeah sure but we're not exactly ready for all that are we!" James exclaimed as he stood up and went into the kitchen.

"Yeah, that's true." You muttered as your eyes started to well up and you started to control your breathing.

Over the last few weeks despite the sickness and the pains you'd got quite at home with the idea of a baby in your lives. The idea seemed to work in your head but you couldn't tell if it was the hormones or your real opinions at this point. He said it would be a nightmare, why would he use such harsh language for something that could conceivably happen by accident?

You walked out of the front room into your bedroom and took the three leaflets out of your bag, taking them into the bathroom to read again. They were all purely informative without any kind of religious affiliation or anything like that but you couldn't ignore that it seemed you and your boyfriend's end goal for a pregnancy would be different. He seemed to want an abortion, it wasn't a fair judgment because he didn't know you were pregnant but what else were you supposed to think?

You began to silently cry gripping the leaflet for abortions tightly, there were 2 clinics near enough to you but you had to get picked up by someone and you weren't sure who too pick. Alyssa was probably your only choice but fuck, you were going to want to see James so badly. Could you really do this without telling him? Should you even bother telling him? Maybe it would be less bother for him if you just got rid of it. God...calling it 'IT' was a mindfuck. You'd got used to calling the little clump of cells Aubrey or Brie and you didn't know if you were ready to let go. It was pathetic really, were you really that scared to tell your boyfriend about something that was literally the size of a raspberry.

You: I really need to talk to you, like in person.

Alyssa: yeah sure, want me to come over?

You: nah I'll come over to yours

Alyssa: okay, head over whenever:)

You arrived at Alyssa's flat with eyes full of tears and she quickly let you inside and got you some tea after sitting you down on the sofa.

"What's going on, Y/n?" She asked.

"He doesn't want a baby," you started crying and Alyssa got you a tissue

"Fuck sake, what did he say?"

"He thought I was pregnant and I lied and said I wasn't and he acted like it was a relief, like he was happy about it. And now...I just think he'd want me to have an abortion but I don't know if I can." You held your hands over your face and cried.

"So you haven't technically told him?" Alyssa asked.

"He said it would be a nightmare just at the thought of it." You said softly and Alyssa swore under her breath.

"I'm going to kill him, like I'm actually going to stab his face. Why is he so dense?" She rolled her eyes and you laughed slightly.

"I have no idea but fuck, he was so relieved when I said I wasn't pregnant, Alyssa. How am I supposed to tell him now?" You asked.

"I don't think it's a case of how are you supposed to, I think if you love him you need to tell him. You don't know how he's going to react in the actual situation. James is a fucking idiot if our friendship has taught me anything he often says things without thinking about the ramifications." Alyssa sat down next to you and gripped your hand.

"Maybe you're right but I just don't know what to do." You leant on her shoulder and cried.

You were 15 weeks and you and James had never felt further apart. You hardly talked, you slept most of the day whilst he seemed to be taking more shifts at work. Nothing felt right and you just wanted to run away, not have to think about any of this stupid shit like having an out of body experience where you could escape. You had decided to book an appointment with the abortion clinic and tell Alyssa when you were already there to pick you up afterwards. In your mind it was the most logical way to resolve the issue that had been pulling you and James apart. Maybe a baby wasn't right at this point, maybe your little apple size clump of cells wasn't worth all this trouble.

Fuck it was stressful trying to make a decision that would impact the rest of your life but you couldn't cope with the fact that it was tearing your relationship apart.

James knew everything was wrong, he knew something bad happened because everything was different and you weren't communicating the same with him as you had before. He was finishing up for the day at work and grabbed some food for dinner before getting into his car and just leaning his head on the steering wheel in defeat. He loved you so unexplainably, so deeply that he would do anything for you but you had seemed so distant lately and that only meant one thing. You had grown tired of all his shit and you wanted out. James knew that it was only a matter of time before you left him. His phone ringing cut through his thoughts.

"Hello?" James answered.

"Get down to the fucking St Clems clinic you fucking idiot! She's going to get rid of it!" Alyssa yelled down the phone "I'm already on my way there but she needs you dumbfuck."

"What are you talking about?" James asked, perplexed.

"Your girlfriend is about to have an abortion because you said having a baby with her would be a nightmare, James. If you care at all about this stupid cell clump you need to get there right now!" Alyssa yelled and James could hear her yelling at the traffic as well. He wasn't quite at the point of acceptance, more guilt.

"How long has she been pregnant?" James asked as he started his car.

"Like 15 weeks or some shit. I don't know, she needs your support regardless of what she chooses to do. She needs you James!"

That was all James needed to speed over to the clinic where he already saw Alyssa's car parked off to the side. James didn't know what he wanted as he ran up the steps, he didn't know if he wanted a baby or an abortion either way he couldn't believe he had been so fucking dense and not believed his gut. He knew you'd been pregnant, he just didn't want to understand or try too. He was a coward.

"James?" He heard your voice as he came through the doors into the waiting room before walking over to you and enveloping you in a massive hug.

"I told you he would come," Alyssa said with a smile.

"Can we please talk about this? I know the situation I just want us too communicate." James asked and you nodded with tears in your eyes.

"I've missed you so much," you said softly as your eyes began to let tears loose.

"I've missed you too lovely."

"Let's go home now," you told James as you stood up and held his hand.

"Okay." James smiled down at you.

”*°•.˜”*°•. ˜”*°•. ˜”*°••°*”˜.•°*”˜.•°*”˜.•°*”˜

AN: I'm a huge believer in the right to choose and if anything I'm a big abortion supporter. This story is more to understand how daunting the choices you make with pregnancy are when you're on your own.

[thesunsethour]

welcome back to part 3 of eve procrastinating her final exams by ranking her favourite songs by her favourite artists. today it is The Beatles' turn

(as always i must stress this is my opinion only. but i am also very nosey, so please tell me *your* opinions too)

(i'm ignoring songs in different languages, naked versions, and also any cover songs, so focusing exclusively on anything penned by lennon-mccartney or harrison or starr)

(this took me a week and a half. for context my killers' list took two days and hozier took four hours)

without further ado:

189. Wild Honey Pie (spoiler alert: i'm not a white album fanatic)

188.       Dig It (vibey but odd little song)

187.       Maggie Mae (didn't know for years this was a liverpool folk song)

186.       Only A Northern Song (not weird enough to justify itself)

185.       Revolution 9 (it achieves john's goal. still hate it though)

184.       All Together Now (worse precursor to the frog chorus)

183.       It’s All Too Much (i would like to apologise to yellow submarine)

182.       Flying (criminal that this is so far down actually. i only have myself to blame)

181.       I’ll Get You (bit samey)

180.       Savoy Truffle (i wrote down 'harrison's own muzak')

179.       Everybody’s Got Something to Hide Except for Me and My Monkey (wtf john)

178.       Thank You Girl  (harmonica has been utilised better)

177.       Every Little Thing (pretty okay)

176.       You Like Me Too Much (george still in songwriting training)

175.       I Want To Tell You (the beginning of george's 'i don't know' refrain in his songs. keep an ear out)

174.       The Inner Light (SO very george)

173.       Her Majesty (i'm irish so this had to be this low)

172.       You Can’t Do That (great john vocals here tbh)

171.       Honey Pie (you can so clearly hear the music hall inspiration. very paul)

170.       When I Get Home (bit samey but catchy enough)

169.       There’s a Place (better harmonica)

168.       I Need You (lovely harmonies)

167.       Not a Second Time (i always forget this song exists sorry to john lennon)

166.       It’s Only Love (i always think this ones on rubber soul)

165.       I’ll Cry Instead (conversely this is very beatles for sale coded i think!)

164.       Little Child (i am a sucker for the harmonica it has to be said)

163.       You Know My Name (Look Up The Number) (really campy ad-libs. a fan)

162.       I’m a Loser (john's voice is so deep in this one??)

161.       I Don’t Want to Spoil the Party (little foot tapper of a song)

160.       Piggies (george had been reading orwell! good for him)

159.       Don’t Pass Me By (ringo! hello!)

158.       I’ll Be Back (solid enough)

157.       Doctor Robert (one of the earliest examples of 'we will sing a song about a little random man')

156.       If I Needed Someone (solid george effort)

155.       Why Don’t We Do It In The Road (apparently about two monkeys fucking. okay paul)

154.       Baby’s in Black  (clever little lyrics)

153.       It Won’t Be Long (adore the coming home line)

152.       All I’ve Got to Do (sweet enough little thing)

151.       Hold Me Tight (classic paul asking for love. a staple of the genre)

150.       What Goes On (hiiiii Ringo!)

149.       Yer Blues (my notes say 'proto-morrissey-esque, but worse)

148.       Good Night (reminds me of a musical song. also originally thought this was a paul song)

147.       She’s a Woman (really dynamic paul vocals)

146.       What You’re Doing (solid paul job)

145.       No Reply (i cannot think of this song without hearing the bloopers of YOUR FACE)

144.       Happiness Is A Warm Gun (i may get killed for having this so low. reminder that this is only my opinion)

143.       Don’t Bother Me (i *think* this is the first album song that george ever wrote!)

142.       P.S. I Love You (he loves his epistolary songs does Paul)

141.       I’m Just Happy to Dance With You (another solid foot tapper)

140.       Any Time At All (love the piano in this)

139.       I’m So Tired (same)

138.       Birthday (i hate the beginning of this song with a visceral passion. rest is grand)

137.       The Night Before (very '50s)

136.       Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (Reprise) (the only bad thing about this song is that it means the album is over)

135.       Another Girl (bitchy little paul song)

134.       Tell Me What You See (song gets better as it goes on i think)

133.       The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill (hello yoko)

132.       Long, Long, Long (reminds me of my sweet lord)

131.       Ask Me Why (real jazzy like)

130.       Rocky Raccoon (i'm not mad on this song but the middle is so catchy it reels me in)

129.       Old Brown Shoe (ringo reference check!)

128.       Revolution 1 (not as good as revolution the single)

127.       Cry Baby Cry (love paul's little jaunty section)

126.       Yes It Is (sexy)

125.       Dig A Pony ("everything has got to be just like you want it toohoohoohoohoohooo"

124.       The Word (reminds me of grease)

123.       Hey Bulldog (some bits of music here remind me of 'Across the Universe')

122.       I’m Looking Through You (GREAT guitar)

121.       Sexy Sadie (can't remember which journalist said that AM's 4 out of 5 has this vibe and YEAH)

120.       I Me Mine (i will always adore the "flowing more freely than wine" lyric. thank you george"

119.       Things We Said Today (paul's so good in this one)

118.       Tell Me Why (catchy bop)

117.       Run For Your Life ("that's the end" SO good)

116.       Good Day Sunshine (nicely jaunty)

115.       Rain (love the instrumentation in this one)

114.       I Will (quintessential mccartney this)

113.       Love You To (making this list and hearing george's improvement as a songwriter was amazing actually)

112.       Octopus’s Garden (bless ringo)

111.       I Feel Fine (SO catchy)

110.       With A Little Help From My Friends (ringo's very best)

109.       Martha My Dear (i'm scared of dogs but i'll let this one go)

108.       Drive My Car (the beeps beeps always annoyed me as a kid)

107.       For You Blue (it is what it says - sweet and lovely)

106.       Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (love the laughter in it)

105.       Good Morning Good Morning (the guitar here is simply too cool for this song. elevates it greatly)

104.       You’re Going To Lose That Girl (beach boys vibes?)

103.       She Said She Said (john and george buddies and pals)

102.       Wait (john and paul's voices go SO well together do you ever get emotional)

101.       Think For Yourself (ANOTHER great foot tapper)

100.       I’m Down (well *somebody* thinks they're elvis)

99.         Misery (just. great structurally)

98.         I Should Have Known Better ("this could only happen to me" oh, john)

97.         Can’t Buy Me Love (one of the more Lennonesque mccartney songs)

96.         One After 909 (how did paul not know what this was about for over a decade)

95.         I’ve Just Seen a Face (absolutely gorgeous guitar)

94.         This Boy (thaaaasss boyyyy)

93.         You Won’t See Me (fab little chorus)

92.         Maxwell’s Silver Hammer (BANG BANG MAXWELL'S SILVER HAMMER CAME DOWN UPON HER HEAD 🔨 🔨🔨)

91.         Dear Prudence ("the clouds will be a daisy chain" is a line i've always adored)

90.         Yellow Submarine (i remember being 6 and our teacher playing this for us on her guitar)

89.         Mean Mr Mustard (love when john does a bit of narrative songwriting)

88.         Revolution (superior revolution version)

87.         Now and Then (cried on the tram on the way to college listening to this when it came out. as you were)

86.         Polythene Pam (love when their accent peaks through)

85.         Baby, You’re A Rich Man (a true lennon-mccartney collab with john not finishing something and paul adding his two cents, or rather, ten or twenty cents)

84.         Hello, Goodbye (i love the end of this song so so much)

83.         Mother Nature’s Son (soft and sweet, poignant but not sappy, one of the most underrated beatles songs of all time)

82.         Free As A Bird (cried listening to this too)

81.         Glass Onion (intertextual metanarrative: the song)

80.         Taxman (baby's first political song <3)

79.         I Wanna Be Your Man (hiiiiii again ringo)

78.         From Me To You (harmonica time again baby!)

77.         Being For The Benefit of Mr Kite! (i think of this as a spooky halloween waltz)

76.         Within You Without You (quintessential george)

75.         I’m Only Sleeping (underrated on revolver methinks)

74.         Your Mother Should Know (these songs WERE a hit before my mother was born)

73.         All My Loving (pure vintage mccartney)

72.         Do You want to Know a Secret (baby george and his fab vocals)

71.         Here Comes The Sun (okay nobody kill me. stop looking at me like that. its been winter for seventeen months george i can't fucking see the sun)

70.         Julia (so beautiful)

69.         Love Me Do (how were they pop song professionals already?)

68.         I Saw Her Standing There (paul loves a good scream in the middle of a song)

67.         A Hard Day’s Night (most iconic beginning of any song ever)

66.         Magical Mystery Tour (he loves a bus does paul)

65.         And Your Bird Can Sing (john's vocals are GREAT here)

64.         Sun King (the superior sun song on abbey road)

63.         Please Please Me (just. iconic)

62.         Eight Days a Week (for how good it is i can't believe paul didn't play it live till like 2013 or smth)

61.         Real Love (i never knew this was a beatles song when i was a kid!)

60.         The End ("the love you take is equal to the love you make"... yeah...)

59.         Back in the USSR ("my-my-my-my-" very billy joel actually)

58.         Ticket to Ride (mouth-watering guitar)

57.         For No One (the wario of 'And Your Bird Can Sing' no i won't explain further)

56.         All You Need Is Love (the she loves you yeah yeah yeahs at the end...)

55.         Blue Jay Way (so wonderfully eerie to me)

54.         She Loves You (love the long and powerful held note on the last "glad")

53.         I Want To Hold Your Hand (they were children my god)

52.         Across the Universe (some of my favourite vocals)

51.         Carry That Weight (paul going through it, writing bangers)

50.         Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da (desmond and molly jones are close friends of mine at this stage)

49.         Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds (overrated a bit imo but still simply iconic)

48.         Penny Lane (sorry paul, john won the MMT round w strawberry fields but its okay this song still is a bop)

47.         Tomorrow Never Knows (fucking well done on this one lads. love it)

46.         Getting Better ("a little better all the time" v "it can't get no worse" is just. peak lennon mccartney)

45.         Got To Get You Into My Life (INSTANT banger)

44.         Michelle (i am a sucker for french as long as its not spoken by french people <3)

43.         Lovely Rita (i always loved this one because paul says "book" like how my nanny says it)

42.         Helter Skelter (loud, fast, and brilliant)

41.         Get Back (billy preston the man that you were)

40.         She Came In Through The Bathroom Window (best of the abbey road medley)

39.         I’ve Got a Feeling (i LOVE paul's deep voice)

38.         When I’m Sixty Four (i love paul's granny music. sue me)

37.         Come Together (john was so good at writing these nonsense songs)

36.         The Fool on The Hill (adore the "ohHhHhHhHhHhh")

35.         Fixing a Hole ("when i'm wrong, i'm right" is so very paul)

34.         Girl (BRILLIANT middle)

33.         Help! (vulnerable without overdoing it. just fantastic)

32.         Day Tripper (unashamedly sexy)

31.         And I Love Her (i love basically everything about this song. ranking got so hard from here)

30.         You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away (john was ON IT for Help!)

29.         Nowhere Man (my brother thinks this will be the name of john's biopic)

28.         Lady Madonna (my favourite genre of paul songs are songs where he voyeuristically imagines someone's life. they always slap)

27.         Paperback Writer (i also write at shitty newspapers and want to be a paperback writer. this song feels too targeted)

26.         In My Life (so pretty. SO pretty)

25.         The Ballad of John and Yoko (imagine the vibes in the recording studio. john. yoko. paul. and yet they made this banger)

24.         Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown) (my first ever favourite beatles song. has since been demoted but i still adore it)

23.         I am the Walrus (john at his weirdest best)

22.         She’s Leaving Home (i love when they write narratively)

21.         If I Fell (angelic harmonies)

20.         Don’t Let Me Down (fifth beatle billy preston supremacy)

19.         Because ("love is all, love is you"

18.         I Want You (She’s So Heavy) (vocals, instruments, lyrics, vibes, all incredible)

17.         Two Of Us (and if i said this was the best album opener?)

16.         Here, There, and Everywhere (paul says this is his favourite beatles song and you know what? he's so right for that)

15.         Oh! Darling (wario of the long and winding road. no i will not elaborate either)

14.         You Never Give Me Your Money ("OUT OF COLLEGE MONEY SPENT SEE NO FUTURE PAY NOT RENT" that is... me right this actual moment)

13.         Something (george said is anyone else gonna write one of the best love songs of all time? no okay i guess i will. and he did.)

12.         Golden Slumbers (cried to this as well. must stress i am not one to cry)

11.         Eleanor Rigby (the pinnacle of the MVS - McCartney Voyeuristic Storytelling)

10.         A Day in The Life (orchestra used to scare me when i was younger)

9.           While My Guitar Gently Weeps (george's best beatles song hands down)

8.           I’ll Follow the Sun (THE MOST UNDERRATED BEATLES SONG and i will die on this hill

7.           Yesterday (my father's favourite beatles song)

6.           The Long and Winding Road (my go to song to sing in the shower for some reason?)

5.           We Can Work It Out (pure lennon-mccartney baby!)

4.           Let It Be (the first and only song i ever learnt on ukulele and i was so proud of it)

3.           Strawberry Fields Forever (do i even have to say anything?)

2.           Blackbird (everything about this song is so beautifully perfect. paul mccartney is the best songwriter of all time okay. i've spent days upon days at this list and it's now making me emotional)

1.           Hey Jude (there's a reason it tops so many best songs of all time lists. a perfect 10. no notes. iconic. the first beatles song i played on repeat. would die slash kill to experience this live)

[philcoulsonismyhero]

I'm having a weird brain week because the old family shit has been stirred up, so I guess I'm rambling about it on here.

So (bear with me) I reinstalled my old LEGO HP games because I was getting bored of the superhero ones I've been playing and LEGO games are pretty much the only video games I can ever be bothered with, and hoo boy. (And I don't even mean the whole issue of 'the creator of this thing I still can't help but care about hates people like me now', I can mostly deal with that these days by just not putting any money anywhere near her direction and not engaging publicly with her work.)

Sometimes there's that one fictional character that was really important to you when a bunch of shit was going down in your life and so they end up intrinsically linked to that shit in your brain, and for me that's Lupin. Every time I go back to HP, I end up going back to obsessing over that guy, and more often than not it dredges up everything that I used him as a coping mechanism for. And this time it very much has.

Long story short-ish, I was 15 when my parents sat me and my sisters down and told us they were getting divorced. It was November, and that was the year that I was sitting my Highers, which at that point were the exams that your uni application would depend on the results of, i.e. the exams that at a private school obsessed with academic results you end up believing are going to determine the rest of your life. I was doing six, you're usually supposed to do a maximum of five, so I had no free periods and a reputation as Probably The Smartest Kid In My Year to uphold. So my parents told me they were getting divorced and I dealt with that by just putting my head down and Getting On With Things, because school was the thing I was good at, and had to be good at. (I got straight As, three subject prizes and Dux of School that year. Fuck you, circumstances.)

To be completely honest, despite the myriad of new stresses it caused, the divorce was kind of a relief because it had been inevitable. I have a very distinct memory of being quite a bit younger that 15 and standing in the kitchen by the doors through to the dining room and listening to my parents shouting at each other in there, and turning to my younger sisters and saying "This is going to end up in divorce." I can only remember a fraction of what went down in the years that led up to it, and not even half the reasons for them splitting up, but there was a lot of shouting when I was a young teen/pre-teen. I spent a couple of years being the shoulder that my mum cried on, and the person that my dad complained to about my mum, and I was about 13 and knew fuck-all about anything except for the fact that someone had to be the sensible one around here and try and mediate a bit. I was the oldest, the younger two shouldn't have to deal with All That, and the last thing we needed was anything or anyone introducing More Drama into the situation. I got bullied at school and I don't think I ever mentioned it to my parents. I do remember emailing one of those support services about the bullying, though, which I have to remind myself every time I think back and I'm like 'but it wasn't That Bad, was it?' I got deliberately tripped on the stairs once. Fortunately both of those assholes grew out of it in a year or two, and I finally stopped being in classes with one of them, although I never managed to get rid of the other guy. Trounced him in the final year physics exam, though, and boy did that feel good after years of "girls can't do physics".

Anyway. Being fifteen sucked, but I was good at school. And I was Sensible, and I didn't get into any of that Teen Drama that fiction and society both seemed convinced was inevitable, I did well in my exams, I didn't make a fuss about anything, I kept my head down and Got On With Things, and then two years into uni I crashed and burned dramatically because turns out I'm autistic and don't deal very well with new situations and never learned how to ask for help *jazz hands*

All this to say, 15 year old me took one look at Remus Lupin, designated Sensible Adult In The Room who was always the one helping other people and being Understanding and never complaining too much about his own situation despite everything always seeming to collapse around him and went ah. That one. That character would Understand. Plus, he was an adult who treated the teenagers with respect while also always being clearly aware that they were still kids and there were some things that they shouldn't have to deal with, and. I had emotions about that. I was never hugely interested in the fandom version of the guy as a teenager, I never got particularly invested in stories about teenagers because I never felt like one myself, but the adult version? He was the crutch that got me through Being Fifteen.

And now I'm 27 and most of the time I'm Fine but every so often (often in November, but not always) this stuff comes back to bite me and I look at all the characters that I care about the most and they're folks like Obi-Wan or Lupin or Hotch or Ironwood, people who are stuck being Sensible or In Charge or both and sometimes end up cracking under the weight of it all and it's like. Yeah. Yeah, I guess all that did fuck me up. And at least now I'm engaging more with characters who get to be angry about their situations. I'm still really bad about being angry about things, it's an emotion I really struggle to express because I associate it so much with a whole lot of shouting that just makes a mess and takes forever to actually achieve anything. I think I'm angry about a lot of things, but part of me is always like 'yeah, but what's The Point, it's not like getting angry now will change anything that happened'. So I just don't. I stall out before I get anywhere. But the characters that I write, both in fic and my own original stuff, are starting to get to Lose Their Shit. I'm getting a little better at secondhand catharsis. It's a baby step, but it's something.

I don't think I'm going to write any of it because engaging to that degree with HP isn't something I want to do anymore, but I could write so much fanfic where Lupin gets to actually get mad about his situation. Where he gets to shout about all the shit he's been put through, all the friends he's lost and all the prejudice and injustice he's faced and how he's tired of being the calm and sensible one who helps everyone else and never gets any acknowledgement from those people about his own struggles. Some of it would be projecting, some of it would be just having an outside perspective on the story that he's in and the way it treated him and how it was bullshit and how that makes me mad because he Deserved Better. How his story ended up being about his own insecurities and how he should just get over them rather than the colossal injustice he'd faced his entire life and the fact that he shouldn't have to be just resigned to it, he should be allowed to get angry and to try and do something about it.

I don't think I'm going to write it, but thinking about it has helped a bit, even though thinking about Lupin was what landed me in the Brain Weird place in the first place. Sometimes you've just got to get angry on behalf of a fictional character because that way you can sidle up to getting angry on your own behalf. Try it out a bit. I don't know. I don't know if any of this is productive or just an exercise in being maudlin, but I guess I'm having the yearly breakdown about Family Shit a bit early this year and it probably doesn't hurt to dust off an old coping mechanism and see if it helps at all.

And at least this time I've gotten another original fiction idea out of it, so I guess that's something. I'll probably talk about that a bit soon, it's a fun one, and I'm slowly working out how to properly use it to get into the fact that to me werewolves are almost always a metaphor for repressed anger and being scared of the mess that you'll make if you let it out. They're a lot of things to a lot of people, but to me, thanks to Lupin and all the personal shit from my life that he got tangled up in, they're that.

And speaking of dealing with repressed anger, I should probably go and rewatch the scene from the penultimate Ted Lasso episode that absolutely wrecked me, which was the one where Ted finally has a proper go at his mum. Because I felt that one in my bones, although in my case it's my dad that I could do with repeatedly saying 'fuck you' to. Blargh. That was definitely the thing that primed me for the descent into Lupin nonsense, that's for sure. Fiction, man. It'll do things to you.

It's nearly 6 in the morning and I should probably attempt sleep, I guess. Thanks for reading if you got this far, this was just a brain dump because sometimes you just need to Put The Thing In Words, whether it's coherent or not, and throw it out into the void.

[jack-kellys]

for the fic title thing !!!!

“there are worse ways to stay alive” ORRRR

“my engine works perfect on empty (i guess i’ll drive)”

- @we-are-inevitable ✨

so im doing both bc why the fuck not

send me a fic title and i'll think up a fic!

GENUINELY my first thought for the first one is a santa clarita diet au LMAO?? i've never seen it though so technically im still original. but like jack and crutchie are roommates. jack either eats something that gets him sick or something insane like an nyc rat bites his ankle bc this is a comedy. jack starts acting... weirder, and crutchie picks up on it pretty fast bc they are 🤝. it's almost like jack has this concussive brain fog and it takes him a while to form sentences, he's talking a lot less, eating less, much more irritable. kinda of like crutchie is dealing with a moody, hungry teenager. but the night after when c's smoking on the first escape (medicinal....not medicinal... c’est la vie) jack comes out to join him and like.

"you ever get these weird, like. cravings for stuff you can't eat?"

"god yeah, i used to want to eat lava and playdough and shit like that all the–"

"like yeah, that stuff too but like...when you bite your hand and you keep biting it, you know, 'cause it's kind of squishy and like. food?"

"did. you... you did hit the joint i left out, right?"

"nah, i was just thinking, i guess.. or i've been thinking."

"fuck."

so it's Charlie's Terrible Horrible No-Good Very Bad time of trying to hide the fact that his best friend is now half-zombie, and especially how not to tell david jacobs, jack's boyfriend and c's longtime friend. i usually make charlie into the enigma but i think jack should be it, for fun. also i think it'd be funny if it took crutchie kinda longer to realize that what's wrong with jack is zombification specifically because honestly... jack is just like that LMAO??? he hates waking up in the morning, he's tired a lot, he has weird eating habits, makes weird noises, not a lot of perception on if he's being loud or not, zones out a lot. jack's basically halfway there already tbh. but he'd stopped creating, which is what initially tips c off.

the shenanigans of hiding it and then needing to find a cure before it's too late is just fun asf. also jack gets to literally lose his mind. haha. ha. ha. :)

now the SECOND title. lmao

~davey is pushing himself to hard againnn yeahhhhh!!!~

college au, davey has an exam coming up that he's going crazy about. hours on hours of studying, isolation, stressing, not eating as much...jack is really worried. he asks his friends what to do- some say to leave him be to get through it, some say to talk to him, and then albert dasilva says "why don't you just..kidnap him."

"what?"

"yeah, so he doesn't have access to any of his textbooks or notes or laptop, you just toss him in the car and drive."

"what is wrong with you," charlie says, but jack is nodding.

"no wait. say more rn."

so during the late night before the day before the test, it's like 3am when davey finally falls asleep at his desk, and then like. the cueing text is sent in the group chat from jack and all the besties scurry into action.

jack lifts davey into his arms, and their dorm door is opened for them silently by albert. race right next to him surgically places a sleepmask onto daveys face so the hall light doesnt wake him. romeo's holding the elevator open. mush and blink are holding the downstairs doors open. specs and crutchie drove daveys car (having stolen the keys earlier in the day of course) over, open the passenger door for davey, lower the seat, set a blanket over him, carefully close the door, and wish jack luck.

davey wakes up two hours of driving later to signs saying they're in south jersey of all fucking places. it's now the day before his test. and davey is livid.

"you kidnapped me."

"technically it was albert's idea"

"i don't see albert driving my damn car. turn around, jack, it's really not the time to be fucking funny right now."

"i'm a little insulted at you not thinking i know you well enough to do this. if i really thought you'd hate me for this, if i really thought it would- destroy your grade, or your college career, do you really think i'd be doing it?"

"maybe."

"no, sweetheart, jeez. you've studied for the past fifteen days- if you just relax, you'll make the grade, and there's no way you would've let yourself do that back on campus. so, i kidnapped you."

they spend the day together fucking around at the atlantic city boardwalk and dipping their feet into the ocean and watching the sunset before driving back. david gets a 90% on his test and maybe he wanted a 92% but he wouldn't trade grades for the world if it meant not getting kidnapped by his boyfriend and their friends. :)

[failing-to-write-again]

Part 2 Jean Gray S/O Mukami Edition

sorry for the delays not to get too personal for privacy reasons but I've had an accident that's made typing slow plus with my exams wrapping up it's safe go say I got busy lol.

Eve had been taken by the Sakamakis and causing quite a fuss. Yet Karl their saviour had promised to make up for it only to have this risk thrusted upon them.

Unknown strength forcing them back from their approach and a familiar look in her eyes. Like a falcon in a cage ever thinking on how to get out. In a sick sense they realised they were staring at a mirror of their younger selves, as if they were somehow the monsters that had harmed them.

Ruki

You would think being previously human himself this dumbass would've realised that he's not smart from having some fangs. But no violence instead, sure he has a dark past, is old, and is basically in a cult but that doesn't excuse hurting others.

His inferiority complex, especially when it comes to women because ✨mummy issues✨, are going nuts. Every part of his little noggin is cycling through ideas of ways to turn off your powers or break you down to where you don't think you even try. Of course the mind reading throws a particular wrench in the plan.

Ruki shows every sign of his control issues being trauma responses from his past and while that's definitely a real issue it ain't your issue. You aren't a member of the cult that sends these girls you haven't been raised in such a toxic environment to view yourself as needing to be this female savior figure. Ruki is almost attracted to it but there's so much confliction going on. And you're fully aware how the smartest play is to never let on you know his parents names, his nightmares, his scars and his fears.

Kou

Oh boy. Kou is not as impatient as a Sakamaki, he also is better practiced in manipulation with people other then previously mentally broken down girls. He's not dumb enough to rush his hand as much as he hates it. Your a cat, independent and impossible to herd in his mind. Of course unlike a cat you aren't about to come sit in his lap regardless of how nice he acts.

That's when he learns your mind doesn't only affect the external but can also pry. Pry. Pry. Pry. Such a naughty little kitty you are hiding the truth from him so sneakily.

He decides there and then he'll be the one to kill you he just isn't sure how yet.

Yuma

Uneasy but by far the most receptive to it. Maybe it's favoritism but I think of the four Yuma is the most receptive to humanity but has been hardened and still values his brothers more than clinging to humanity.

You're useful in the garden, you're not fragile, and you're not taking part in the messy charade that is the vampire feeding cult. He does have an issue not being able to easily drink but I think he's the most likely to be able to work around it. ON ONE CONDITION...

It's the mind reading I'm getting so repetitive here and I know this may look lazy but let's not lie to ourselves. All the Diaboys got trust issues so mind reading is well out their comfort zone.

So as long as he knows about everything though its chill. The giant and the powerhouse dynamic means you have a relatively chill existence, until either you eventually escape or you and Yuma run off.

Azusa

Big fan but doesn't understand the true meaning ya know?

Dude gets a kick out of it which is an issue for you with the whole being left alone and not harassed by vampires thing. You learn pretty fast to be gentle pushing him away to try minimise his attempts to get you to hurt him. I don't think he'll care much about the mind reading he'd just see it as more reason to be punished.

I also think he won't even careto buffer the attacks of his brothers, thus adding to your stress. Needless to say it's setting up a weird dynamic.

If you're his flavour of fucked up it might be fun for you but that's pretty fucked up.

If not, you've now got this shadow to try shake.

Maybe in a post therapy world you be his protector but as it stands you refuse to be another tormentor.

[neteyamsilly]

It’s ramble anon!!

Tumblr being silly as usual 😑

Thank u so much!!!

I don’t feel obligated at all by the way!! I’m always super excited to send you anything!! I’m actually pretty shy lmao, even if I have been on tumblr for years now, you are the first person I interacted in this way!

(My exams results were good btw!! Thank u 😊)

LMAO we might as well be all connected together 😭, I swear that’s what happened, and I’m SO glad it did, I wouldn’t have been able to concentrate at all if I knew the new chapter was waiting for me while I was in class 💀

I HAVE TO SAY: I LOVE the name JACK, she just sucks at naming things like her dad 😌

Or she just doesn’t care, like her dad lmao

It’s so funny that she’d name her ikran just to piss off Jake, like, what is he gonna do??

Btw the jack in cards is like a symbol of good luck; like she is the wild card of the family, what better name for her ikran than that? (There are many (or so anyone keeps telling her), she just doesn’t care 🙄)

[Why can I picture Norm and Max teaching Y/N to play cards?? I mean, IK the group at the old shack (Jake, Grace, Trudy and Norm) had to do something other than eating and sleeping (not sleeping with, I’m looking at u Norm and Trudy) and I think cards would have been an easy, entertaining enough and not too tiresome game to play together and it got passed on to Y/N (maybe those cards were Trudy’s or Grace’s, that’s why Norm still has them.. now I made myself sad 😭)]

And Neytiri somehow finding out and being fucking mad lmao, like “we have our damn games at home, u don’t need this skypeople crap”

If the events of TWOW happened I totally see Y/N maturing more and being a lot more astute about being a little shit lmaoo

Like convincing Ao’nung to fly with her?? That took SKILL and a silver tongue (like the art of persuasion type of crap she’d pull lmao)

[not me inventing happy lalaland headcanons nonsense while Y/N is literally dying and could be taken away from her family 💀💀]

But anyways I digress!!

Of course I look forward to the next chapter!! But I hope you get to rest and don’t get pressured or stressed to write the next one!!

I hope you have an amazing day!! Thank you so much! ❤️

HELLO RAMBLE ANON SORRY THIS IS LATE!

I'm so happy that I get to be the first one to get to interact with you like this, I might just turn into a webtoon/kdrama male lead that goes "you're the first one to do this to me" LMAOOOOO

ALL THE THINGS YOU SAY ABOUT JACK IS EVERYTHING IM GOING FOR SDJDSDJSD sister!reader is meant to literally be a copy of jake, so i want to give her some of his funniest traits as well and naming of the ikran is one of them. fucking jack. she does it out of "funny haha" and "dads gonna hate this and im gonna love it" and "i do not care" venn diagram thing BSBDHBSH

ALSO YOUR HEADCANON ABOUT PLAYING CARDS???? HAS ME IN MY FEELS PLEASE 😭😭😭😭

And neytiri full on going mom mode: "we have cards at home"

cards at home: entirely different subservient thing

AND UR SO RIGHT sister!reader would get smarter about being a little shit. she has to be because lo'ak is an idiot

NOOO DONT SAY LALALAND NONESENSE IM ENJOYING IT SBSJDBSJD

Thank you so much for the ask, as always <333

[victoriabates]

december

I love him.

i'm very stressed right now. it's exam season, i'm overwhelmed with all my assignment. i'm almost done 1st semester of 3rd year, which is pretty crazy honestly. I remember uploading to this page before I had even entered university. it is actually bizarre to think how far i've come.

I think back to highschool alot, wishing that maybe i could go back. change a few things, maybe restart, or just maybe be back in a simpler time. but I wouldn't want to trade spots, it is weird to think that i'm only going to get older. i'm watching a movie right now, A Man Called Otto, he keeps trying to kill himself. it's sad to think that this feeling might never go away, i'll be 80--and odds are I might still live with that hollow feeling in my chest.

I wonder if i'll think back to him when i'm that old. the first man I loved, i wonder if i'll even think back to him in a year. youssef. this is the first time i've written his name. maybe i'll be 80, looking back at this page with dementia, and wonder who the fuck i've been writting about. now you know, his name was youssef. he was my first kiss, a best-friend, and who knows what became of him. I wonder who he married, if he still lives in Canada or went back home. I wonder how many kids he had, I know he'd be a good dad, probably forcing his son to play basketball, passing down his shoe collection. I wonder if his kids are taller than him? does he still hold onto the sweaters I bought him? maybe he is still in my life, he always said that. that we would be friends for life. if we're not, was it my fault?

I'm leaving Ottawa in less than two weeks and I won't be back until June. I hope have a good time in the UK, i'm sure I will. this is a dream for so many, but all I can think about is what i'm leaving behind, who i'm leaving behind. realistically, he will have his girlfriend, he will keep living here and not spare me another thought. god i hope i'm wrong, please please let me wrong.

I hate how much I feel sometimes.

I never used to be like this. I thought my mom had killed this part of me, I used to be able to fight and yell and never shed a tear. now if i fucking look at myself too long i start breaking out into tears. my throat tightens up everything I think too hard, and I have no energy to yell.

but this is 20. this is what it feels like, or at least what it feels like for me. it is emotional, it is full of self-hatred, and heartbreak. it happens to everyone. he always reminds me how young i am. i know. i know i am, I am an inexperienced loser, virgin, 20 year old, but what can i do about that. nothing. so i will sit here, until. maybe one day i'll feel better. I want more, but i'm so tired to keep asking for that more.

i just want my mommy. i want my mom to hold me, and I want to tell her about the boy i love, and I want to tell her how scared i was when he kissed me but how much I ended up enjoying it. I want to tell her all the nice things he told me, and I want to tell her all the times he made cry.

she'll probably never know, calling her feels like a chore nowadays.

i love so much.

[uniqueoneinca]

It's November

So, a lot of things have happened since I wrote. I am currently on disability due to my job. It's short-term, of course. I am really happy that I have some time to work on myself in dealing with what I get while at work. I have been being abused and feel stupid that I didn't realize it. I'm so used to trucking along through it all and just realized a few weeks ago what was happening. It affects you so much mentally when this toxic environment and narcissist boss happens. I did not realize that it happens as much as it does. I get on Reddit to look at the forums a lot and I saw so many posts that have a lot of the same situation going on. They even have groups about this shit.

I have a new psychologist and she said that I need to get out of the company asap. I need a job first, of course. I have been looking for about eight months and haven't found anything. I am still trying though, you can't give up. I told her that I would like to work on coping skills and my delivery. I have pretty much no filter and I say what is on my mind. Some people don't like that & others do like it. I like it when I communicate with people.

I talked to an ex-coworker yesterday and found out that she is now on disability as well due to the boss she had and I still have. She was fired by my fucked up boss about a year ago. A lady started working at her current job and is just like my boss and it brought back the trauma. That's pretty bad when you have been away from the person for that long. Mental abuse is rough. My boss needs to be stopped so she doesn't do this to anyone else in the future. There have been three people quit and two get fired due to my boss. It's disturbing.

My husband isn't a great support either. He tells me to suck it up. Way easier said than done. I don't need him barking at me while I am going through this. It's like double stress in my life.

I did get my health and life exam passed though, so this is great. Now I just have to do the livescan and apply for my license and I can sell health and life insurance. I have a company that I will be going through. I will see how that turns out. I planned on doing that part-time. I can't start until after I am off the disability though. I am on for a couple more months. I can do some field training in the process, but I won't be able to get paid. I have researched the company and it's legitimate, but they are like so overbearingly positive that it's weird for me. I don't get excited like they do. I have a certain way I want to do things when I am trained as well. I won't pressure people, I will educate them on their financial needs regarding life insurance and building wealth. I will have over 25 insurance companies to work with through the company I am going to be training with. I have a possibility to make a lot of money if I work real hard. The part I don't like is involving my family and friends. I always tell them when we will do a practice consultation they are in no way obligated and to say no and be firm. Sales people can't hound you. You can report them to the insurance commissioner with their license number.

While I was taking the test, it wasn't totally like the course I took to prepare myself, so I was thrown off. They use different wording in the exam. I'm just really happy that I did pass. It was like getting a C, but it's still a pass.

So, Trump won the election and that makes me super happy too. I was really worried about Kamala winning and am relieved that she didn't. The country needs to get better and Trump will help us get there. So many people hate him and it's unfair, but they don't hate him as much as they thought, because he got voted in.