#I'm posting this before my brain makes me anxious and makes me change my mind about doing this lol

[milkamel]

Sudden kross thoughts + headcanons I drew in like 20 minutes I seriously can't stop thinking about these two idiots and I need to write about this somewhere..

Like- They're so different (also very similar) but complement each other so well- just perfect for each other. Cross needs someone to tell him that it's okay to relax sometimes and Killer needs someone to help him take care of himself more <3 gfjgkfgjfkh my sweet babies-

Killer belongs to rahafwabas Cross belongs to jakei

[peridots-pixiwolf]

[Start ID. A drawing of two scavengers from Rain World, one labelled Sanic and the other one Shrek. Sanic's fur is light brown, with darker extremities, a messy row of pale green spines down its back, and bright blue eyes. They sit contentedly, staring at the screen, with a couple grenades by its feet. Shrek has pale fur, a green head, hands, and feet, and brown eyes. It's facing to the right, with their arms splayed out and an explosive spear on their back. Beside each scavenger are a few woefully-compressed screencaps of their in-game appearance. End ID]

An ode to these silly beasts, who accompanied me on my second visits to Industrial and Chimney

[kindnessoverperfection]

Some recent wins:

-Sang loudly and off-key with my partner. We were both laughing to tears. I was sober.

-Found myself actually thinking about musical theatre today. For myself, for my own interest in it. I wasn't chasing it for a narc high, nor avoiding it due to a crash. It's been a long time since I've thought about my interests for my own sake.

-Invited my friends to hang out

[ironstrange1991]

A Night Like No Other

+18 Smut

Pairing: Doctor!Strange, Defender!Strange, Supreme!Strange x Female!Reader

Synopsis: It's Valentine's day night and you prepare a special night for your Stephens.

Word Count: 9,5k

Warnings: Polyamorous relationship dinamics, a little jealousy, mostly brain rot SMUT: oral sex with male and female receiving, vaginal and anal sex, double penetration, creampie, cum eating (There's probably more but I don't remember)

A/N: I'm so happy to finally be posting this fic. I know it's two months late, but I've put so much work into it that I really can't believe it's ready. I really hope you guys like it and have a great read ;)

"Not this one." You murmured, looking at your endless collection of heels in your closet. "No, definitely not this one. Maybe… this one." You took a pair of red sandals in your hands, but then changed your mind when your eyes found the perfect pair you knew you were looking for. A pair of black Christian Louboutin pumps.

You stood on tiptoe to reach them and then you smiled mischievously to yourself heading to the bedroom bench and put them on. It had been a while since you wore those and you couldn't deny that you felt so powerful in them.

You folded your legs on the bench, positioning your feet so that your heels were clearly visible and took a photo, sending it directly to your three main contacts and giggling to yourself while writing the most cliché pick-up line you could think of at that moment.

WHEN YOU GUYS GET HOME TONIGHT, THIS IS ALL I'LL BE WEARING. ♥️

You replicated the message to the other two Stephens, reading it out loud to make sure the message was clear enough: You were waiting for the three of them that night to celebrate Valentine's Day.

You remembered perfectly the fiasco that was the last one. Okay, maybe it wasn't that bad, but it definitely could have been a lot better. It had all happened because you weren't clear enough about what you wanted for the night, or at least you convinced yourself that it was your fault. You found you always put the blame on yourself so you didn't need to blame one Stephen or the other, but the truth was that navigating between the ego and jealousy of the three of them was the hardest thing you've ever had to do in your life.

It didn't take long for your cell phone to buzz with a response.

I WOULD ENJOY SO MUCH MORE IF THE SURPRISE WAS JUST FOR ME, BUT I CAN'T WAIT TO GET HOME TONIGHT.

You didn't need to read the name at the top of the message to know it was Supreme, but even if it was hidden behind jealousy, you could capture the anxiety he felt about returning home and it made you smile from ear to ear. God, you had been with the three Stephens for a little over a year and a half, but you seriously doubted you would ever get used to the way they made you feel. Every time they came home you felt butterflies in your stomach, each loving message made your heart flutter in your chest. It was beautiful and scary at the same time.

You left your shoes on the floor next to the bench and went back to the closet, slipping into jeans and a jumper.

As you were grabbing your bag and keys and heading to the doors to leave you heard the familiar hiss of a portal opening and a smile played on your lips before you saw it was just Wong.

"You shouldn't look so disappointed every time I come in. It's offensive." He said. You never knew when Wong was being serious or not, so you rushed to defend yourself.

"Today is Valentine's Day. I have reasons to be anxious for my boyfriends to get home."

Wong nodded as he dragged some boxes and then closed the portal. "Good thing you reminded me. That's reason enough for me not to want to be less than half a planet away from this Sanctum tonight. As if three Stranges wasn't reason enough."

"You say that, but I know deep down you can't live without Stephen, Wong." You smirked, unable to hold your tongue.

He scoffed "Yeah, right. Defender isn't that bad. The other two are the problem."

"Do not tell me that." You agreed "I'm going to the grocery store to get some things to prepare dinner. Do you want me to bring you something? I'm going to go near the Sandwich bar that sells that tuna melt that you love so much..."

"It's very kind of you to offer, but unfortunately - or fortunately - I'm returning to Kamar Taj."

"Okay. I'll see you tomorrow then. Bye."

"Bye."

When you parked in parking lot you heard your cell phone ringing and ran to answer it when you saw Stephen's name on the display.

"Hello you"

"Sending indecent photos to distract me from work. You should be embarrassed, sweetheart."

"Really? And what's indecent about the photo of my feet wearing those shoes?"

You can almost see him smirking on the other end of the line before replying, "Other than the message you sent with it, you mean?"

You giggled to yourself "And how effective was my attempt to make you want to come home sooner?"

"Hm, very effective."

You were surprised by the sound of a horn and two drivers fighting each other.

"Where are you?" Stephen asked.

"Walmart’s parking lot. I came to get some things to prepare for our romantic Valentine's Day dinner that you guys have been owing me since last year."

"That's great. And how romantic will this dinner be?" He teased.

"Very romantic. The kind where you have to dress all nice for me and wear that cologne of yours that I love."

"Noted. It's a shame I'm going to have to share you tonight, I'd much rather have you all to myself."

You found yourself rolling your eyes and agreeing one hundred percent with Wong, Stephen and Supreme were indeed the problem.

"Behave yourself" You scolded him, taking your bag and walking towards the store entrance. "It's important for me to have you three tonight. I've wanted this for so long..."

"You just had us together last week" He groaned in frustration.

"I'm not talking about... sex, Stephen" You had to lower your voice to say the word as you picked up the cart and headed towards the produce section.

"Really? I must have been fooled by the photo and message you sent half an hour ago."

"Shut up. Of course sex is a big part of tonight, but it's not just about that. It's about being together, talking, listening to music and having good wine."

Stephen hummed "Romance."

"Exactly. Just because you've already won over the girl doesn't mean you don't need to be romantic anymore, Stephen."

He chuckled "I leave the romanticism to Defender, he's better than me at that... and pretty much everything else apparently."

You sighed, finishing picking up the vegetables and heading towards the refrigerators where you hoped to find a good piece of meat to roast with them.

"I love you, Stephen, but please, no display of jealousy tonight. Please?"

"Okay, I'll behave, I promise."

"Thank you."

"I need to go. See you tonight, love."

"See you, Steph."

You turned off your cell phone and put it in your pocket and dedicated yourself to getting the rest of the things that were missing and walked towards the cashier.

...

You weren't exactly a great cook like Defender, but you always had a willingness to learn and some skill so you could even say that you were good in the kitchen.

You chopped the vegetables that consisted of carrots, onions, green beans, broccoli and tomatoes and dedicated yourself to seasoning the meat and put everything together in a pan wrapped with aluminum foil and put it in the oven for what you knew would be at least 2 hours.

While you waited, you decided to take a shower and took the opportunity to shave every inch of your body to make it smooth to the touch. You blow-dried your hair and used a styling mousse and put it in curlers. You took the opportunity to do all the steps of your skin care and applied lotion all over your body, taking the opportunity to use some body oil to give your skin a little shine. You didn’t even notice time passing while you were distracted taking care of yourself and being surprised by the alarm you had set on your cell phone so as not to let you forget about the roast in the oven.

You put on a robe and went downstairs.

The roast was practically done, so you got rid of the aluminum foil, drizzled the meat with more olive oil and just a little fleur de sel and returned to the oven to brown.

When you heard your cell phone buzzing you wiped your hands and rushed to read the message and smile to yourself feeling your heart fluttering in your chest.

ALWAYS A TEASE, BABY. CAN'T WAIT TO GET HOME, JUST A FEW MORE MINUTES AND I'LL BE IN YOUR LOVELY ARMS. LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

You dedicated yourself to preparing the sauce for your pasta and left the pan full of water and salt on the stove, but besides that, everything needed to be put on hold because it was already past 6pm and you knew they would arrive at any moment and although the dinner was an important part of your evening, you were determined that sex should come first.

You turned off the roast, but kept it in the oven and prepared the table with a beautiful red tablecloth, positioning the plates and cutlery, glasses, and, of course, the candlesticks. A romantic dinner needs candlelight.

Once everything was organized, you went upstairs to finish getting ready. You let down your hair that fell in perfect waves to the middle of your back and put just a little gloss on your lips deciding that there was no reason to wear makeup since soon you would be with your face being pushed into the mattress. You smiled mischievously to yourself feeling the desire built inside you. You put on your heels and kept your promise not to wear anything other than them, keeping only the robe on until at exactly 7pm you heard the familiar squeak of a portal.

You smiled, feeling your cheeks get slightly warm and, taking off your robe, you left the room towards the entrance hall.

...

Stephen smiled to himself as he read the text you sent him. He would have replied it instantly if he hadn't been stuck in a meeting with the Avengers. Tony Stark and Steve Rogers were going over all the details about the next mission and although Stephen knew the importance of resolving the problem as soon as possible, he was not at all happy about having to participate.

Supreme was at the meeting too, and Stephen could see the smile on his lips as he read a message on his cell phone that Stephen was sure was exactly the same as the one he had read. You wouldn't make the mistake of not being democratic in your provocation, not after the events of last Valentine's Day. It was extremely important to you that the three of them knew that you loved them equally.

Supreme quickly typed a response without bothering to be discreet, but Stephen preferred something more intimate, so he just put his cell phone back in the pocket of his robes.

"We will be in unknown territory, dealing with forces of which we have no knowledge..." Steve Rogers was pointing out the importance of concentrating on every detail of the plan, but was then cut off by Stark.

"Yeah, yeah, supernatural stuff. That's why we'll be taking with us not one, but two wizards."

Stephen rolled his lips, uncomfortable with the use of the wrong term. He wasn't a wizard and Stark knew that because he had already explained the difference a hundred times, but now Stephen was almost certain that Stark was referring to him that way to provoke him. Supreme, on the other hand, interrupted him, deciding to explain to the small Avengers audience.

"The correct term is sorcerer. Wizards are born with magic, we learned it with a lot of study and effort, although for us it came almost naturally."

Stark rolled his eyes, but continued with the explanation.

When the meeting ended Stephen managed to sneak into an empty room and call you. He wanted much more than just calling, he wanted to leave immediately, but first he needed to get back to Kamar Taj.

Once he and Supreme managed to leave the Avengers Tower, they headed directly there where they met with Wong and Defender and discussed matters relating to the maintenance of the Kamar Taj itself, the teaching and training of students, and the protection of the three Sanctums of power of the Earth. When the small informal meeting ended, Stephen looked at the clock realizing that it must already be almost 7pm in NY and was quick to decline Wong's offer to stay for tea.

"We have an appointment at home." Stephen explained evasively, but Wong smirked as if he knew more than Stephen could imagine.

"Sure, sure. Valentine's day and all. Y/n is planning a special night, I imagine."

Stephen nodded. "We'll talk tomorrow."

"You can call us if anything happens, as always." Defender added to what Supreme contradicted.

"Definitely not tonight. There are dozens of other masters you can call, Wong. We're off for the night and probably a good part of tomorrow as well."

Wong didn't bother to respond. He just closed some books that were on the table and organized them into a pile, picking them up and heading out the door.

"What a fucking day! I thought it would never end." Supreme complained.

"Let's go home" Defender said with a tired sigh and Stephen opened a portal being welcomed by the delicious smell of food and the realization of finally being home.

...

Defender Strange was sure that nothing in the world could be better than coming home and being greeted by his wife, but when he saw you coming down the stairs completely naked wearing only the heels you showed him in the photograph you sent earlier, he didn't know what to think. That fulfills all his fantasies.

You were beautiful. You are beautiful. The curvaceous body, the full breasts, the long hair cascading down to the middle of your back, little or no makeup other than a pink gloss on your lips and the typical smile of someone who promises and wants to be extremely provocative, but in reality it’s a shy little thing.

He didn't know how he was looking at you, much less how the other Stephens were reacting to that vision of paradise in front of them, but you stopped at the bottom of the stairs and your cheeks turned red.

"So?" Your voice sounded low.

Supreme took the initiative and approached you and touched your face affectionately and kissed your lips. Defender felt a pang of jealousy when you and Supreme were close, but he was used to not showing it and on the other hand - however contradictory it was - he couldn't deny that he liked seeing you with the other Stephens, that always turned him on.

"You look beautiful, honey."

Your cheeks turned a darker shade of red that Defender found charming.

"I confess the idea seemed sexier when I sent the message. Now I'm too self-conscious."

"You look beautiful" Defender and Stephen responded together and then laughed softly at the situation.

"Come here, give me a kiss, sweetheart. I loved the reception you prepared for us. You know I always love everything you do for us."

You took the hand he offered you and walked closer. Stephen grabbed the back of your head and pulled you to his lips and Defender felt his cock throb inside his pants. He wanted you so much. Ever since he saw that message, all he could think about was the moment he would have you on his lap riding him.

"I made dinner. Well, it's almost ready. There are still a few things to finish."

"I guess we can think about food later, don't you think?" Supreme suggested. "You have other needs that I want you to satisfy first." He smirked "That text... did things to me, honey."

Defender smirked. Supreme was so cheesy sometimes.

He finally approached you and touched your face.

"So bold sending us that photo when I know at home you're super shy, baby."

You blushed even more.

"Did you like it?"

"I loved the surprise. I loved that you prepared something special for our Valentine's Day. I love you so much, Y/n. There isn't a day that goes by that I'm not grateful for having you in my life."

You wrapped your arms around his neck. "Defender Strange... how can I not love you when you say those things?"

He chuckled watching you hold his hand and take Stephen's hand and adjust it to hold them in one hand, while taking Supreme's hand with the other "Come on, let's go up stairs."

...

The master bedroom, Stephen's room, was the largest room in the Sanctum. Supreme had a hard time accepting Stephen staying with it, but he was aware that it made sense. For better or worse, Stephen was the Doctor Strange of that universe. That room was the setting for almost every night you had sex together for obvious reasons, it was the biggest room, it had the biggest bed and it felt the most right somehow and Supreme felt the familiar twist in his stomach caused by anxiety when you led the three of them directly to that room.

It was something difficult to explain and he never talked about it with the other Stephens - although he was sure the others felt the same way - but the reality was that he loved sharing you. He loved watching the other Stephens fuck you even though it also filled him with jealousy. Jealousy was hot.

Supreme still remembered the first time, it was your birthday and you had sex together for the first time. It was unforgettable, but everyone was so nervous and insecure that it was not possible to fully appreciate the moment. Now it was different. Foursomes became a common thing in your lives and every time it was incredible. Supreme always had the best orgasms when you let him cum in your mouth while he watched Defender and Stephen fucking you. It was so fucking hot. He was sure he could get stressed and jealous sometimes, but he could never be bored with the life you led. He often felt like he was living inside a porn movie. In the best way.

"Tell me, honey, what do you want to do with us tonight?" He teased when he realized how unsure you were about your next steps.

You bit your lip and then glanced to the two levitation cloaks still tied to his and Stephen's shoulders.

"Could you leave us alone for a moment?" You asked, gently stroking his blue cloak.

The two sentient relics flew out the door and slammed the door on the way out. His cloaky looking particularly offended at being left out.

"I'm pretty sure he wanted to stay and watch." Supreme joked, drawing a soft laugh from your lips.

"He's a brat. So different from Cloaky."

"The relic acquires the owner's behavior." Stephen teased.

"It's explained then" You said, approaching Supreme and kissing him with the passion he would never get used to. Sometimes it was impossible to understand how you could love him so much when he knew how complicated he was. But you loved him and that was always very clear in the way you touched him and especially kissed him.

You broke the kiss and smiled at him, "I love you. I know I say it every day, but today it's even more important to say it."

Supreme opened his mouth to respond, but you were ripped away from him by Stephen's arms, who pulled you to his chest in a clear display of jealousy. You giggled. You loved that. Supreme knew very well. You hated it when they fought - and they fought all the time - but you loved it all the same. You loved the triple attention you received, the kisses, the caresses and vows of love you received every day.

"Now you're going to have to say that to me too, sweetheart. You know I'm a jealous man." Stephen teased and you let out small giggles.

You held his face in your hands and spoke softly. "And I thought Supreme was the most jealous of the Stephens."

"Don't underestimate me, love."

You smiled openly, "I love you, Steph. You know how much."

He smiled proudly, "Then show me, kiss me and call me what you call me when we're alone."

Supreme felt the familiar tightening in his chest that jealousy caused in him and you gave Stephen a reprimanding glare.

"Come on, sweetheart. They know."

Supreme rolled his eyes when you smiled in surrender and kissed Stephen hard.

"I love you Steph. My Stephen."

He smiled smugly, but it was cut off by your direct order. "Now get in that shower, because I love you, but you're all sweaty."

He chuckled nodding in agreement "Yes ma'am."

Supreme even tried to stop himself from laughing, but he couldn't. However, you approached him right away.

"You too, Stephen. You three are sweaty."

He smirked "Want me to get in the shower with him?"

Defender chuckled, but said nothing.

"The idea is temptingly sexy, but I think you'd better use your shower."

He agreed, but couldn't help but point out "I thought we would get straight to the best part, that you were missing us so much and couldn't wait to have us in your arms."

"I am and that was the idea, but reality often prevails over fantasy and the three of you are smelling the heat of Kathmandu."

Ouch. "Okay, I'm coming." He said surrendering. Stephen was already in the shower, the sound of the water indicating that Supreme was behind in the race to get back into your arms first.

...

You were super self-conscious about being the only naked person there and wearing those heels on top of that. The sexy image of the situation that popped into your head when you sent the text to them was long gone, but all it took was a smile from Defender to make you feel better.

"I'm still surprised by how naturally you can deal with the three of us, you know? It's almost as if you were made for us." He said pulling you into his arms.

"Almost?" You asked with a raised eyebrow, to which he smiled in surrender.

"Definitely made for us." He corrected and kissed you tenderly.

"Practice makes perfect."

"In our case, I would say that time has helped a lot. Do you remember last year?" He teased to which you grimaced.

"Don't even remind me."

He laughed softly "I'm going to take a shower too. Wait for me. Promise?"

You smiled throwing yourself onto the bed "I'll be right here. Don't be long."

You lay down on the bed, pulling Stephen's pillow close to your nose so you could bask in his scent and a victorious smile played on your lips as you realized for the thousandth time that you were about to go to bed with three Stephens. Sex was important. God, the sex was incredible, but what really enchanted you about it was the realization of being loved by Stephen. Some people are never loved, you were loved and not just once but three times and by the same man. That meant something.

Defender always talked to you about how he believed that the love you felt for each other went beyond the barriers of universes and you couldn't say how, but you were sure he was right. You loved Stephen the moment you first saw him and it was like that with Defender and Supreme and god help you, you would never say that to them, but if ten more Stephens appeared in your universe, you would have no choice but to love them too.

You were so absorbed in your own thoughts that you even noticed that Stephen had gotten out of the shower, only realizing it when his baritone voice pulled you out of your reverie.

"A penny for your thoughts." He teased and you smiled, rolling over on the bed so you could see him. He was wet from the shower, the towel tied around his waist but hanging dangerously below his v line, his hair wet and carelessly pulled back.

"God, you're a beautiful bastard."

He raised his eyebrow and a cocky smile played on his lips.

"So that's what you were thinking about? How beautiful I am?"

You rolled your eyes dramatically. "Don't be cocky. Come on, put your tongue to do something more productive than bragging."

He threw himself on the bed, crawling over you and tickling the sides of your ribs, which made you giggle.

"No, please Steph, I can't..."

"Not so bossy now, are you?" " He teased "Then tell me how you want me to use my tongue then."

You held his face in your hands. “Like this.”

You kissed him hard and he hummed adorably on your lips, but soon after he took control of the kiss and started to grind an obvious erection on your thigh.

"Look what you do to me. You haven't even touched me yet and I'm already like this. To be honest, you've made me hard since you sent me that photo. You have no idea how much I wanted to abandon what I was doing and come home to fuck you."

You smiled smugly and kissed his lips again "It worked then."

"You have no idea" He said on your lips "But I would rather have this night just for the two of us."

You pouted "Behave. You know how important it is for me to have these moments for the four of us, especially on special dates like today."

He smirked "I know you're dirty and insatiable, that's why you need three of me to handle you."

You felt your face flush, but there was no reason to deny it. "It's true, but it's only because I love you so much. That's what I was thinking actually, how I love you so much to the point of loving three versions of you."

He kissed you and went back to grinding himself on your thigh. He was trying to hold back, but you knew he was dying to have you and knowing that made you feel so powerful.

"Sometimes I think I don't deserve so much love..."

"Shhh, of course you do. You deserve that and more. And you can accuse me as much as you want of being insatiable for wanting three of you, but we both know that you like sharing me in bed."

Now it was his turn to blush and that made a petulant smile appear on your lips.

"Do not tease me." He warned, but you weren't about to go back on your words.

"Why not? What are you going to do? Fuck me senseless? Hard and rough? Thank god, that’s what I want."

He held your chin tight. "That's what you're going to get if you don't behave."

"Then I won't behave." You threatened and Stephen pulled you into his lips, but the two of you were interrupted by the creak of the door opening and Supreme's voice.

"And why won't you behave, honey?" He asked and you just smiled watching him approach. He was only dressed in sweatpants and his face was slightly flushed showing that he had shaved before coming back to you. He threw himself on the bed and opened his arms waiting for you to throw yourself into them and Stephen rolled to the other side of the bed letting you have your moment together.

You hugged him and he wrapped you in his arms kissing you hard and then looked at Stephen waiting for an answer.

"She's being a brat and I warned her there will be consequences." Stephen informed Supreme and you laughed, turning to face him, but letting yourself be enveloped and pulled closer by Supreme's arms.

"Maybe I want to be punished." You confessed and Supreme groaned, burying his face in the crook of your neck.

"What did we do to deserve a girl like you, honey?"

You let out a small laugh "I hope you mean that positively."

He giggled "Always."

Stephen laughed softly and Supreme pulled you into his lips again. You let yourself be guided, your hands touched his face and a satisfied hum escaped your lips.

"You shaved. I prefer it like this." You said with a smirk to which he chuckled.

"You live with a Stephen who has a goatee and another who has a full beard but can't handle a little stubble?

You shook your head, stroking his face. "It's not the same. I like having a clean shaved Stephen." You rum your index finger on his chin "It's smooth"

Stephen giggled and you rolled closer to him pulling him to your lips “I like the differences.”

"Yeah, we know" They both laughed softly and you took turns holding their lips and hands and that felt like heaven to you. There was no other word to explain it.

Defender arrived a minute later, his hair loose as it rarely was and wearing a pair of pajama pants that made his v line and a prominent erection very visible. You wondered if he had been hard the whole time or if seeing you in bed with Stephen and Supreme had immediately left him in that state. You knew well that Defender liked to observe. All three liked it.

"We've been waiting for you, baby. Come here." You reached out to him and sat on the bed between the Stephens to welcome him with a kiss. Your arms wrapped around his neck and he let himself be pulled on top of you, your legs opening for him to settle between them to which he moaned softly.

"She's so greedy" Stephen told Supreme "...and so fucking perfect. Fuck, sweetheart. I need you."

You smiled smugly on Defender's lips and gently pushed him to let you stand up.

"So tell me what you guys want. I confess I spent the day thinking about sucking your cocks."

"So fucking dirty." Defend hissed.

"She was never a saint, but I admit she got a lot worse with your arrival." Stephen replied with that beautiful smile on his lips.

You loved that. You loved it when they talked about you like that between them, you loved seeing them understanding each other and talking to each other as if they were a single person - which in fact they were - it was a strong turn on for you.

Supreme smiled seeming to read your mind. "I think she might start with that, don't you? I can only speak for myself, but I've been dying for a blowjob ever since I saw that text."

Stephen nodded "Yeah, me too. But I'm going to want more than a simple blowjob and she knows that."

Defender chuckled and you pouted feigning innocence.

"Are you going to let these two mean Stephens abuse me, baby?"

He cupped your face in his hands and hummed condescendingly, "More than that, baby. I'll love watching."

You could have cum with just those words. You were so wet between your legs that your thighs were sticking together and you could smell your arousal. All that teasing, the game you played was exactly what worked for you, it was what made you love having the three of them at the same time and it worked perfectly when they behaved themselves and tonight they were more than determined to behave, apparently.

"I think I saw a blush on these cheeks." Stephen teased and you stuck your tongue out at him.

"Shut up and get comfortable you three."

They laughed and got comfortable on the bed, sitting next to each other and that sight never failed to impress you. It was so pornographically glorious. You smiled to yourself and tied your hair in a bun with the same determination as a warrior preparing for a fight. You were definitely a woman on a mission.

"Come here, sweetheart, I want to be first." Stephen asked, extending his hand to you. You crawled over to him and kissed him sweetly and your hands freed him from the towel. He raised his hips enough for you to pull and throw it on the floor. He was so hard already. The tip was red and slightly sticky with precum. You couldn't resist, so you held him tight and kissed his head feeling your eyes close and a moan of satisfaction escape your lips as the other Stephens giggled.

"Don't get cock drunk yet, honey, there are two more cocks to suck." Supreme teased.

Stephen held your face, taking his cock in his hand and impatiently directing it into your mouth. "Take it, sweetheart. Give me a hard suck."

You opened your mouth big for him and did as he asked, emptying your cheeks to suck hard, which made him moan outrageously loud. "Oh yeah, sweetheart. Show me what you can do."

But he didn't give up control, on the contrary, he held the back of your head and pushed you against his dick making you swallow it whole and gag in the process.

"Look at that!" Supreme exclaimed and you couldn't see him now with your eyes closed, but you'd bet all your chips that he had his cock in his hands, jacking off as he watched. He was dirty like that, and you loved that about him.

You could barely breathe with your mouth stuffed with Stephen's cock like that, tears welled up in your eyes and ran down your face.

"She takes it so perfectly." Defender pointed out. "She was made for us, wasn’t she?"

Stephen moaned in satisfaction, taking his cock out of your throat to let you breathe.

"I could cum in your throat right now. That's how good this mouth in my cock feels, sweet girl."

You coughed and ran your hands over your face to wipe away the tears and smiled. "I love when you call me like that."

Stephen smirked, "Yeah? You love everything I do to you, sweetheart. Now come here and give me a kiss before I let you go with them."

You let yourself be pulled to his lips and kissed him hard, your fingers tangling in his hair.

"I love you." You said between his lips.

"I love you too. Go now and make me proud."

"Always" You assured, letting yourself be enveloped by Defender's arms. He kissed you hard. Harder than usual and his fingers tangled in your hair and your knees went weak.

"Seeing you with them drives me crazy, baby. I can't deny that I like this more than I should." He confessed in your ear, but loud enough for the others to hear.

"They like it too" You teased throwing a mischievous glance at the other two. "Let's give them something to watch."

Defender smirked letting you free him from his pants. He wasn't wearing any underwear and you doubted there was anything sexier than a handsome man wearing pants without underwear. You threw his pants on the floor and planted a kiss on his lips before spitting into your hand and holding him, moving up and down slowly, keeping eye contact with him the entire time.

One of the things that became increasingly clear to you as time went by was that they were different in almost every way even though they were the same person. With Defender what worked was calmness, glances, affection. He might fuck you harder eventually, but almost every time you made love it was slow, calm and delicious. And that was how he liked to be touched.

He bit his lip to hold back a moan when you bent down and gave a long lick from the base to the tip, stopping to flick your tongue on the head.

You smiled proudly. "Don't hold back, baby. Let me hear you. I like hearing how happy I'm making you." You asked, taking him in your mouth and sucking slowly, using your tongue all the time the way he liked.

He moaned louder, but still restrained. One of his hands grabbed your hair, but he didn't push. Defender never pushed. "So, so happy, baby. Shit... this lips feels so good wrapped around my cock like that."

You felt his cock throbbing in your mouth and you took it out of your mouth smiling your best smile at him. "Yeah? Your cock feels amazing pulsing in my mouth too. But I don't want you to cum yet, baby."

He shook his head "It doesn't matter, you know I have as many rounds as you want to give you."

"Shit, that sounded presumptuous even to us, but coming from him it sounds even weirder." Supreme teased, but Defender completely ignored him pulling you into his lips.

"Tell me you love me." He asked softly on your lips and you buried your face in his neck, surrendering to his charm.

"More than anything, baby. Love you so much."

Defender held your chin and kissed you softly. "Better not let Supreme hear that." He said with a provocative smile on his lips that wasn't really like him, but that made him even more handsome.

Impatient, Supreme took your hand pulling you from Defender's lap gently but insistently. "Come here, honey. I've waited too long."

You couldn't help but giggle at the serious way he said it. As if you were somehow making him suffer by waiting his turn.

You let yourself be manhandled and he positioned you straddling his lap. "Always you, isn't it, Supreme Strange?"

He smirked positioning his shaking hands to the sides of your neck and pulling you into a hungry kiss.

"You complain, but you love the way I am, honey."

You could have rolled your eyes, but you didn't want to provoke him so you didn't. "If what you want is for me to suck your cock, you should try to be less cocky."

He gave you that beautiful sideways smile of his, "But I know you want to blow me as much as I want it."

"Seriously, just for tonight, can't you be less of yourself, Supreme?" Stephen complained and although you weren't looking at him, you could almost hear his eyes rolling.

"You better get to work, honey."

You let out a small giggle and dismounted his lap, helping him get rid of the pants he was wearing and immediately took him in your hands. He was so deliciously hard for you, the tip wet with precum from being stimulated by his own hands. You licked the tip to savor the salty taste and this time you couldn't stop your eyes from rolling back, but for an entirely different reason.

"Oh fuck, honey. Put it all in your mouth, please. Suck it hard, make me cum. I don't care. You know I'm going to stay hard for you anyway."

You did exactly what he asked, adding one hand to his balls, stimulating him as much as possible, rotating the other hand at the base while sucking and licking. Taking your time and enjoying it as much as him.

"So delicious... fuck, honey, keep going just like that. Gonna fill your mouth with milk. I spent all day thinking about doing that."

You hummed contentedly and went even deeper, taking him all the way to the back of your throat and hearing the sounds of approval from the other Stephens at the same time as you felt the mattress dipping and Stephen moving in your peripherals.

"Get your pretty ass up for me, sweetheart." Stephen asked, slapping your ass cheek and you obeyed, moaning loudly when you felt his tongue lapping your folds, the friction of his goatee making you see stars. You immediately started moving your hips against his mouth and he grabbed your thighs, correctly taking the action as encouragement.

Supreme grabbed your hair with one of his hands and pushed you against his cock making you swallow him completely.

"F-Fuck... take it, honey. Take all of it. Oh shit." He moaned loudly spilling down your throat and making your eyes water. He took his cock out of your mouth allowing you to vocalize the pleasure that Stephen's fierce tongue was providing you now that he was sucking your ass.

This was new for you and you didn't understand how it could be so pleasurable, but Stephen had the gift of addicting you to new and different things and you loved it. Sex with them could never get boring.

Supreme patted your cheek and ran his hand through the hair that insisted on falling across his forehead. "That mouth of yours is otherworldly, honey. I just put my dick inside it and I cum."

You smiled, but before you could respond a moan broke through your lips when Stephen added his fingers to the sum of the stimulation, penetrating you with them.

"That's it. Moan loudly for us. Let us hear how good it feels." Supreme teased, holding your chin with one hand and making you suck his index finger.

“Delicious,” Stephen rasped. "I could spend the whole night like this."

But contrary to what he said, he pulled away enough to direct his cock at your entrance and forced it slowly. "So fucking tight. No matter how many times I fuck this pussy, it's always so tight."

You moaned loudly feeling yourself being impaled by his cock and Supreme smirked at something Defender said and walked away letting him get closer to you.

"I want your mouth a little more, baby. Please." He asked, kneeling on the bed in front of you. You placed your hands on his thighs and took him in your mouth again, sucking voraciously. It was hard to be gentle when Stephen was fucking you so hard.

Defender took your hair in his hands and let himself be carried away by the moment. "Fuck baby, so good. You suck my cock so good."

You kept your eyes open to watch him, he had his eyes fixed on Stephen fucking you and you knew that was exactly what was making his dick throb so hard in your mouth. The obscenity of it all.

"Oh God, baby. I love watching you get fucked like this. So fucking hot."

Stephen slapped your ass in agreement. "Come on, sweetheart, suck his cock and make him cum in your mouth. I want to see it." He ordered, increasing the strength of his thrusts, which became increasingly irregular.

Defender moaned loudly and you felt his thighs shaking. "Oh baby... gonna cum... oh yeah baby, can I cum in your mouth?"

You hummed positively and a part of your brain thought it was cute that he had even bothered to ask.

"F-Fuck... oh come on baby... take it..." His voice sounded broken as hot cum filled your mouth. A lot of it.

"So fucking good..." He mumbled between moans, caressing your face and taking his cock out of your mouth. "Let me see it."

You obeyed, opening your mouth so he could see his cum inside and then swallowing and sticking your tongue out at him dramatically so he could see.

"Beautiful. So fucking beautiful." He murmured, bending down to kiss you and Stephen moaned loudly, giving two harder thrusts and then spilling himself inside you.

"Oh fuck, sweetheart... You're too good to be true." He confessed breathlessly and then pulled out. His cum dripping down your abused pussy.

Your legs shook and you fell face down on the mattress, but Supreme pulled you into his arms.

"Look what you do to us. It's impossible to last when you're so irresistible."

You smiled, pulling him to your lips. "Is this a complaint?"

You heard Defender and Stephen giggling and the sound filled your heart with such great love with the realization that you were having this moment together and they weren't fighting each other, on the contrary, you could swear that at that point they were practically united against you and you didn't know if you could take it.

"And what man would be crazy to complain about having a woman like you, honey?"

You pulled him back to your lips while squeezing your thighs together. They could have had theirs, but you needed to have yours and if possible, you wanted to have it more than once.

Supreme got the message quickly and got between your legs, spreading them with his arms and holding them open while he eat you. He didn't care that Stephen had cum in you seconds before and the notion of that only made the oral even more pleasurable. Your back arched and your eyes closed immediately and a pornographic moan escaped your lips. You could cum right then if he continued, but Supreme had other plans. He licked your ass, leaving enough saliva there and directed his dick at your entrance, penetrating it slowly.

You still remembered the first time you had anal, it was with Supreme and you were so uncertain about the whole thing, but now you loved it, you loved the strange sensation and the peculiar pleasure that took over once he was inside you. . You liked it so much that you wondered if there was something wrong with you since women aren't supposed to enjoy it that much.

Supreme moaned loudly, laying on top of you slowly and giving your body time to get used to the sensation, then he grabbed your thigh and pulled it so that you intertwined your legs around his waist, allowing him to go even deeper.

"Oh Stephen... feels so good." You confessed, wrapping your arms around him. "Move, please."

He did as you asked, moving slowly at first, but gradually increasing the intensity of his thrusts until he reached a frantic rate.

"Y-Yes, oh yes, Steph, just like that, fuck me just like that..."

He took your lips in a desperate kiss, fucking you at the same rhythm incessantly, the bed creaked, the headboard hit the wall and your moans were so loud. Next thing you know, you had one of your hands between you rubbing your clit to get as much stimulation as possible and your legs were shaking and you felt like you were about to cum. No one could be more sexually fulfilled than you at that moment, but that was exactly the problem, you didn't want to finish, not yet.

"Wait... Stephen... wait. Gonna cum... don't make me cum yet."

He stopped and pulled out with a cocky smile plastered on his lips. "That good, uh? Want me to stop for a bit and let the others have fun with you now?"

You nodded biting your bottom lip. Something about the way he said it sounded so dirty.

He rolled to the side running his hand through his hair "You can barely handle one, how can you handle the three of us?" He teased and you found the strength within you to tease back "I can take it. I always do."

He chuckled in satisfaction at your response and you opened your arms allowing Defender to snuggle into them.

"Baby, I need you. Tell me you're ready for me again."

He let himself be hugged and kissed you hard. His lips moved up to your ear and he confided. "I haven’t even softened, baby."

You pulled him to your lips again, but pushed him away so you could get on top of him. He hummed contently letting you take control and direct him inside you. It was to be imagined, given the rivalry that existed between them, that Defender would not like to be in a submissive position when the other Stephens were around. In fact, it was like that at first, but now he didn't care and you were sure the others loved watching. Before Defender you weren't used to being in that position, but with him you got a taste for it and there was nothing in the world that made you feel more powerful than riding him.

His shaking hands grabbed your waist and he moaned loudly feeling you sink down onto his dick. You grabbed his face with both hands and pulled him to your lips, kissing him desperately as you began to move up and down and gyrating your hips sensually as you did so. You lolled your head back, letting yourself be carried away by the pleasure you felt and Defender took the opportunity to bury his face between your breasts. The other Stephens watched attentively and Stephen, unable not to intervene, grabbed your chin and kissed you.

You kept your pace fast and steady, your body responding to the sensations in all the right ways.

"Oh god, baby, cock feels so good inside me, make me wanna cum so hard." You confessed between moans and Defender pulled you back to his lips.

"Cum for me then, baby. Don't hold back. We've all had one, it's your turn now. You can use me to have it. Fuck me any way you want."

How sweet. He was always so sweet and wonderful all the time that it didn't surprise you that the others were a little more jealous when compared to him and to be honest, you loved it.

"Oh shit, baby. Gonna cum." You moaned loudly, riding him faster and harder, feeling the familiar knot tighten in your stomach.

You placed your hands on his shoulders and your pussy contracted tightly around him.

"Fuck baby... squeezing me so hard... gonna make me cum too."

You were so lost in your pleasure that you could barely form a complete sentence "Please... with me."

Defender moaned loudly, wrapping his arm around your waist and helping you move on top of him and your hands got lost in his hair, pulling him to your lips in one last act of passion and ecstasy until you both came together amidst moans and loudly breathing.

You both came down from your high slowly and there was a proud smile on Defender's lips. He kissed you gently and helped you dismount him.

"Come here, sweetheart." Stephen asked, sitting down and pulling you onto his lap. "Let's play a little, what do you think? Me, you and Supreme. You always feel so tight with two dicks inside you."

You bit your bottom lip feeling your cheeks flush, but you let yourself be manhandled. He positioned you on top of his dick and entered you slowly. The squelching sound it made from you being filled with cum was so obscene and so good. You moaned loudly. It didn't matter that you had just cum, you wanted more.

Stephen kissed you and moaned into the kiss. Supreme came from behind, positioning himself in the best way to make the three of you comfortable. The tip of his cock poked your ass and you closed your eyes feeling him slowly penetrate you. It was always a strange sensation, you felt too full and uncomfortable before the pleasure appeared, but it appeared and was always very strong.

"Oh yeah, honey, such a tight ass... squeezing my dick so hard."

You moved slow. Stephen held your waist and helped you slowly move up and down and Supreme carefully moved back and forth. The thing with double penetration is that it's not like it is in the movies, for all parties involved to feel pleasure you need to do it slowly, but once you learn how to do it, it's addictive.

"Oh Stephen... feels so good."

You let yourself be pulled into Supreme's lips and then back into Stephen's as they both thrust into you at a lazy, infectious pace. You loved being fought over like that, there was something devilishly sexy about taking turns between two men's lips. "So fucking good... fucking me... good."

The two laughed softly, observing that you could barely formulate a sentence at that point.

Supreme placed one hand on the headboard and the other on your shoulder and increased the strength of his thrusts and you and Stephen moaned together with the increased stimulation.

"Shit, gonna cum in your ass, honey. Its too good... too tight... I can't..."

He moaned loudly and the grip of his hand on your shoulder also tightened and you felt him cuming inside you.

"F-fuck yes..." He gasped "Oh shit." He grabbed your chin and pulled you into a hard kiss and then pulled out and threw himself on the bed.

Stephen took the opportunity to hold you around your waist and place you underneath him with your face on the mattress and your ass in the air. He quickly penetrated you again and you moaned loudly feeling the delicious sensation of being fucked from behind. But he wasn't gentle, he was too far beyond that, too lost in his own pleasure.

Thrust after thrust he fucked you, pushing your face against the mattress and moaning loudly, completely surrendered, looking for his release.

"You love this, don't you?" He teased "Tell me how much you love taking it from behind."

You moaned loudly feeling like you were close to cumming again. That was something that before the Stephens you thought was impossible, but anal orgasms were possible and were usually the most intense ones you had.

"Steph... gonna make me cum... again." You confessed, completely surrendering to him.

"Yeah? Are you going to cum with my dick in your ass? So fucking dirty. You love being a dirty girl for us, don't you? That's why you sent that text to the three of us, because you wanted to be fucked like that... like a fucking whore."

“Y-yes” You stammered feeling his teasing push you over the edge.

"Then be a good girl and cum with daddy's cock in your ass. Show the other Stephens how much you enjoy it. Come on, sweetheart, I'm right behind you. I'm going to fill this sweet ass with cum."

You moaned loudly, letting yourself be pushed towards the oblivion of everything earthly and launching yourself into ecstasy. Your legs shook beneath him, your entire body shook with the force of your orgasm.

Stephen gave three more thrusts and stopped completely, moaning and letting himself spill inside you. When he was done he brushed your hair away from your face and kissed the top of your head gently and then pulled out and rolled it to the side.

It took you a few seconds to catch your breath and finally turn around and face the ceiling with a silly smile on your lips.

"This was amazing." You praised before giving in to the giggles. "I doubt there is a woman in this world who is more sexually fulfilled than I am tonight."

The three giggled and you felt yourself being pulled into Stephen's arms. He kissed the top of your head before pulling you to his lips. "I can say the same, sweetheart. No man could be happier than we are to have you."

You wrapped your arms around him and felt the tiredness domination you.

“Tired?” Stephen teased.

You smiled lazily  “ I think I need a shower, I'm dripping cum."

The three of them burst into laughter and Defender took the lead, extending his hand to you and helping you stand up.

...

"The pasta is ready, baby, we can add it to the sauce now." Defender reported being extremely helpful. He had offered to help you finish dinner while the other Stephens were in the shower and you couldn't refuse to have that sweet domestic moment with him.

"The sauce is already boiling. Can you add the pasta for me while I stir?"

He did as you asked and came back with the parmesan cheese he had magically grated for you to use.

Without holding back, he stole a strand of pasta to try. "It's divine, love. I love the food you make, the seasoning you add... divine." He praised searching for your lips. You kissed him softly and then pulled away, handing him the platter with the roast and vegetables. "Can you take this to the table for me, baby?"

He nodded, taking the dish and walking away and you couldn't help but laugh when you realized how you both were dressed. So different from what you had planned and yet so perfect. He was shirtless, barefoot, with his hair in a bun and was only wearing pajama pants.

"What is it?" He asked confused.

"Nothing" You said "I just realized that we're going to have our romantic dinner dressed like we're having a sleepover."

He smirked "I like seeing you in my old t-shirts."

You smiled hearing the familiar chatting of the other Stephens approaching. "And I love wearing them. Now take these and come back to get the pasta."

He smiled “Yes, love.”

Reblog please! Leave a comment if you liked it. Interact! I will love to read all of your comments and opinions. It inspires me to keep writing!

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[riddlers-left-buttcheek]

Commission Advice? (pls help)

Hey heyy

I wanna start doing commissions, but I've never done it before, and have no idea where to start. So I thought I'd make this post and ask any artist, that would like to share how they go about commissions, for advice.

I've summed up some of the questions that came to mind below the cut. I would want to take requests outside of Tumblr as well, just fyi. I'm well aware that most of what I ask depends on the individual artist and their works, and that there won't be a single formula to follow - I'd just like to gain a bit of perspective and see how different people go about these things, so that I can get an idea for myself.

Any helpful links to other posts or websites on this topic are much appreciated 💚

Replies to this in DMs are fine too ☺️

Questions below ⬇️

Communication?

Do you text with the client entirely through Tumblr (etc.) DMs, or do you use a different platform (like Discord, WhatsApp)?

Pricing?

My biggest issue is how much to charge for an art piece. I know it depends on multiple factors, like what type of drawing it is, is it lineart only, is it in colour, etc. Then there's also taxes. I've looked at a couple artists, but the prices vary so widely, and I have no idea where to put myself on that spectrum. I also have a huge problem knowing my worth, which definitely doesn't help.

Payment?

Which payment method do you use? My first thought was PayPal, I also read that many people use Stripe (that I never heard of before my research). And when do you ask for the transaction to be made? I've seen 50% upfront, the other 50% once it's done a lot. Some say to not give the customer the finished piece until you've received 100% of the money.

Slots?

How do you decide on how many you have available? Do have a fixed number or just take requests until you think you can't take any more?

Time?

How long does it take you to finish a request? Again, I know it depends on many many things. A couple examples would already help a lot.

Updates? Previews?

Do you give the client in-between updates on your progress? Do you send a preview before sending the finished piece? I've read that, before sending the final file, you should always have the images in low quality and with a watermark over it.

Changes?

If the client is dissatisfied with the final piece, do you allow changes? If yes, how many, where do you draw the line? Do you charge extra? Also, what do you do if the client doesn't like the entire thing?

Licensing

I absolutely suck at this, my brain just doesn't want to comprehend legal language. So most I've read on this, I still don't fully understand, but probably because I've never put it to practice. Is there a specific type of licensing you use? What do you tell your client on what they can do, but more importantly, can't do, with the art you create for them?

Final files?

In which file format do you send the finished art piece to the client? I was thinking pdf, maybe jpg and png? Also, how do you send it? In DMs? Per email?

Scams?

Also one of the more important questions for me, since I get paranoid about these things easily (and turn out to be right most of the time). Any advice on scams? I've read Instagram is filled with them, and to best avoid requests over Insta alltogether. Any experiences you've had, anything I should definitely look out for?

Any other advice?

Anything at all. I'm probably definitely overthinking this and it's most likely really not that complicated, but I'm a very anxious, insecure and paranoid person. 🙈 So I'll take any and all advice I can get.

Thank you 🤗💚

[pastel-medic]

//Really brief vent (mention of depression)

Just a small vent on some personal emotions cuz I've been feeling really stressed and maybe that's feeding into my current mental mindset rn

As I've said before tho I won't be making these kinds of posts much because I want to keep my mental health private from my art posts. I'm making this post cuz it's been on my mind for a while and causing me some doubt in myself

So I found out about a week ago that my Medicsona looks similar to someone else's oc, and I first learned about this oc through an attack on Art Fight. I assumed the artist of the oc was a bit upset about the similarities from the frowny face they put in the art, and I feel a bit awkward and don't know how to feel about it. I've recently been trying hard not to look too deep into tones in text cuz it often makes me nervous. Maybe I'm being anxious and just reading into something that isn't a big deal.

I've contemplated changing Shortcake's design a couple times but I'm so attached to how I've designed him. I don't want to change it just because I feel conflicted over this. Idk I've been having a few depressive episodes about myself as an artist lately, and I often find myself feeling unoriginal. The artist of the oc is really nice, but I can't shake the feeling that I've made them feel upset somehow. I know I shouldn't dwell on what others think but I'm a highly empathetic person and unfortunately a people pleaser. It's likely just my fluff brain being mean to me again.

Idk vent is over tho I don't want to think about this too much rn, it's more of a self-worth thing for me to heal personally on my own

[toriwritesstories]

Unsolicited Ask that I thought of tonight: have you ever written anything about your reasons for writing the whole fic out before starting to publish it? I think you’re the only person I know who does it this way (I know many people try to ‘write ahead’ a bunch, but usually not the whole thing). I sometimes try to do finish first, but lately I end up starting to publish once I’m most of the way through as a way to force myself to finish the fic 😂 Nothing deep here, just curious 🙏

Hey friend!!! I always appreciate an unsolicited ask because as everyone probably knows about me, I could talk forever about writing or fandom or... probably dozens of other things!

So thanks for asking! I would love to explain why I do it this way! And I apologize in advance for how long of a story time this is going to be - just remember, you asked 😜

So I've been posting fanfic for just about 12 years now (almost exactly, I think) since I was 13 (oof) and I used to post a chapter immediately after completing it. Back then, I came home from school, cranked out a 2k chapter, updated my fic, and then did the same thing the next day. I didn't proofread anything and it was all just vibes haha.

I had a few instances of abandoning fics after a while, things that I didn't end up feeling like finishing, and I hated doing that to people especially because I personally really struggle to read WIPs for that reason. I'm a binge reader through and through and I want my fics to be bingeable without leaving off in a weird place.

So by the time I started writing for Clexa and moved to writing on Ao3, I'd started loosely following a 7ish chapter ahead rule. If I was cranking the chapters out like crazy, sometimes I would let myself post more than 7 chapters ahead, but I roughly kept that number. While writing this way, I realized another major perk to writing ahead, which was that I could go back and change things if I realized I needed to to make something work that I hadn't planned. And since I don't really plan a fic much at all (I don't outline or even usually jot down more than a few ideas, although it does depend on the fic), it was nice to have some of that wiggle room.

However even doing it this way, there was still something that sometimes threw a wrench in my writing process - comments. Specifically, comments where people would say what they hoped would happen or hoped WOULDN'T happen... and my anxious brain would feel like I should change things based on what readers wanted. And sometimes this would really get to me and I'd suddenly lose steam with writing.

I do want to be clear that there's nothing wrong with these kinds of comments, at least not to me and definitely not anymore. Nowadays, I always encourage people to tell me what they think will happen, what their predictions are! I love to hear them! I just have anxiety, which used to be untreated, and am a people pleaser and so sometimes I used to take these kinds of comments the wrong way....

To give a specific and the biggest example, there was a Clexa fic that I wrote that had a plot twist that a couple people did not like. Someone commented that they didn't even want a Clexa endgame in that fic anymore, and that short circuited my brain - in my mind, that meant I had really messed up, because of course I was planning on a Clexa endgame. I abandoned the fic for a long time, and then a long while later, I actually rewrote that plot twist and finished/reposted the fic with a new ending on Ao3 (originally it was on FFnet). To my horror, the same commenter came back and said that I didn't need to change it and that they still felt like I should've continued without a Clexa endgame. Anyway the whole thing threw me off and really stuck with me.

But it was actually Choni that I started this pattern of always finishing a fic first with, but it wasn't exactly intentional at the time. It was the start of my sophomore year of college, I'd just broken up with my ex and fallen into a Choni spiral. It was the first week of classes and I knew I was soon going to be swamped with homework, but I had this fic idea so I was using every ounce of free time to write. I wrote all 93,716 words in 12 days, no input from anyone else, just me and my brain.

Then I posted it over the course of the semester, one to two chapters a week, and dude, it was like free seratonin! People left comments and kudos, and even if people had thoughts or ideas, I had this comfort knowing that I'd already finished it and when I finish a fic, I don't really go back to change much other than small edits. So every week, I posted a chapter, got feedback, and I used the excitement from the readers to motivate myself in writing something new at a slower pace while I posted - once again without anyone else's input. I never went back after that.

As I discovered my specific flavor of neurodiversity, I also realized that having a fic incomplete posted will literally weight on me in my mental to-do list, and will overwhelm me so much that I'll kinda get stuck and not be able to finish. This actually almost just happened to me again with a Shadowzel epilogue I needed to finish. I created a Series on Ao3 to make sure I would finish, and I had already written like 10k, but then I got distracted and then it was hanging over me and it didn't feel fun anymore for a second, it felt only stressful. But I did finally take a breath, reset, and finish. My brain just struggles with that, I think.

Anyway, there was an unfortunate side effect to my realization, though. Somehow, my anxiety managed to convince myself that I actually had to keep the entire story a secret for me to be able to finish it. So I wouldn't tell anyone any bit about it - I couldn't even tell the ideas to my partner or my close fandom friends, because I was worried the idea would die before I could finish it.

I've been working against that false belief slowly but surely. One of my recent Shadowzel fics I had a friend as my alpha reader the entire time, and now I always tell my spouse all about the ideas I'm writing. So I'm breaking through that box I've put myself in.

But I don't think I'll go back to posting as I go. I am lucky that if I love an idea enough, I can motivate myself to write from start to finish, and then sharing it is, like I said, practically free seratonin and dopamine haha. I do sometimes still get anxious about whether I made the right decisions and whether people will like how I wrote it, but my lovely friends and readers never hesitate to build me up and reassure me. So I try to just trust myself and tell myself that if someone doesn't like it, they can click off of it, but at least I know I am happy with how I wrote it, because I always write exactly what I'd want to read.

Apologies again for such a long answer, but I actually enjoyed detailing all of this. It's a question I've answered a few times in some group chats and stuff but never in this much detail. 😄

[xsweetcatastrophe]

You Broke Me First

Part 11

Zoe spent the next hour fielding calls and texts from everyone she knew.

Cillian, on the other hand, sat next to her enjoying a cup of tea with the newspaper opened to the crossword puzzle.

Cillian and reminded her before she started answering anyone that she couldn't break and tell them the truth; she had to keep up the facade that they were. in fact, dating.

"Well.... that might be a problem" Zoe said, wairly. "I already told my sister"

Cillian rolled his eyes and sighed.

"But that's not fair. I tell Jen everything. And she won't say anything. She has mom brain. I promise. You don't get it, she's my sister.. just trust me" Zoe said defensively.

Cillian smiled. "I get it. I have a brother and two sisters. I tell my brother everything. It's fine... but just know that if it gets out, Hannah will have YOUR head, don't drag me down with you" he said, turning back to the puzzle.

Zoe's phone rang again. Zoe groaned. It was the fourth time she called, she had to pick it up this time.

"Hi, mom" Zoe said upon asnwering.

"Please tell me why I'm seeing your name all over the internet" Zoe's mom said.

"Depends.. are you reading one of my articles?" Zoe replied hopefully.

"Zoe Jane."

"Jeez, lighten up Ma" Zoe said.

"Why do I have to find out THIS WAY you're finally dating someone? Who is this man? Where did you meet him?"

shit.

"Where did I meet him?" Zoe said loudly, hoping to catch Cillian's attention. She completely forgot what the said agreement was. Cillian mouthed the word "Party" to her.

"It was a party a couple months ago" Zoe said, very monotone. Zoe then decided to make the bad decision to put her on speaker, so Cillian could hopefully help out faster with answering questions if she needed him.

"A party?"

"Yes"

"what were you wearing? How did you do your hair? I hope you left it down, I think your hair is so pretty and I hate when you tie it in that low bun you do" Zoe's mom went off.

Cillian looked up and raised his eyebrow.

"really mom?" Zoe said, staring off into space and rolling her eyes, sighing.

"I'm just saying, I've bought you such pretty sundresses and they're just collecting dust in the closet. You have such beautiful hair and you don't take care of it. I would kill for hair like yours, you have no idea how beautiful you could be-"

"Well I guess I wasn't that ugly since i left with him, didn't I?" Zoe snapped.

Cillian's eyes went wide and his eyebrows shot up, now biting his lip to hold back a laugh.

"Zoe Jane, that's inappropriate"

"Alright Ma, what are you calling me for? to find out details to gossip to your friends about, or to actually see how i'm doing? because I have things to do. Apparently a whole lot of hair to take care of and sundresses to dust off" Zoe said, wanting to wrap up the phone call.

"Of course I'm calling to see how you're doing! You think i'm so horrible. I just wanted to see who this man was and if I was ever going to meet him"

hopefully, never. Zoe thought

"Is he coming to the party?"

shit. the phone's on speakerphone. Zoe glanced at Cillian, who was now looking at her.

"I don't know. I gotta go. I'll keep you posted. love you" Zoe said, anxious to hang up.

"Love you bunny. tell this man-"

Zoe ended the call before her mom could finish. She dropped the phone on the counter and let out a sigh.

"Good thing you have a degree, your acting sucks" Cilian mumbed.

"Listen.. my mother is... she's a force to be wreckoned with" Zoe said, taking a sip of her now cold coffee.

"Very concerned with what you're wearing" Cillian replied.

"Oh, always. Beauty might be on the inside, but beauty on the outside reels them in" Zoe said, mocking her mom.

"What party was she talking about?"

"Just some stupid birthday party" Zoe said, mind racing trying to think of something to say to change the subject. "Are you stuck on one? I'm good at crosswords" Zoe came up with, pointing to the newspaper laid out in front of him. Cillian stared at her for a second, then looked down and furrowed his eyebrows together, almost forgetting there was a newspaper there in the first place. "oh.. uh, yea. 8 Down. 'Magician's expertise'. 8 letters. Thought it was vanishing or disappear but those don't fit"

Zoe thought for a second.

"Illusion. It's illusion"

**********************************************

Over the course of the next 2 weeks, Zoe and Cillian fell into somewhat a routine that worked for them. And, if we're being honest, Zoe was starting to look forward to seeing him.

Zoe had gone back to the office, but now people whispered about her as she walked past .People knew, and they thought it was real. More people were saying good morning to her than usual, and it seemed like people were generally more chatty with her. But she could still hear the whispers behind her.

Cillian came over at least 3 times a week, days always being different except Sundays - he always came over Sundays with dinner to watch the next episode of Succession. The other days, they would just hang out at her apartment, she would cook or they would go out to eat. Zoe was getting used to the cameras when they found them, and she began to feel a lot more comfortable around Cillian. It was like she was hanging out with one of her friends, where she could completely be herself and not worry about saying the wrong thing.

She learned Cillian and her had a lot of similar interests when it came to movies and TV shows. Cillian (politely) listened to her ramble off about her love for old architecture and old cemeteries, and her dream of owning an old house with old crown moldings and old gold doorknobs - don't get her started on antique doorknobs. Cillian tried to teach her about "good" music, and made her playlists and almost had a meltdown when she listed to the playlist he made for her on shuffle. "It's in that order FOR A REASON" Cillian had said.

They haven't, however, kissed since that night outside her apartment building.

Zoe spent many nights overthinking this. okay, we kissed that one night, and I'm convinced if our phones didn't ring an interrupt us we would of kissed that day at his house the article dropped.He makes time to make me playlists and listens to me and pretends to be interested in whatever i'm talking about. maybe deep DEEEEEEP down he likes me? and then reality would hit her that this is all one big lie and she would feel horrible about herself.

It was Sunday, and Zoe just let Cillian in. He kissed her on the cheek and said hello, and walked past her. That's... new. Zoe thought.

"I got that rigatoni bolognese you like. I got penne vodka for myself but we can switch if you want," Cillian said, putting the bags of food on her end table in front of the couch. "Wine tonight?" He asked.

"No wine for me. My head already hurts. I'm just having water" Zoe said, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge and heading to the couch with napkins an forks. She'd be lying if she said she was dressed lazy but didn't spritz herself with perfume and added some blush to her cheeks before he got there.

"Aw man, really? If you want to go to sleep, I can leave the food and go-" Cillian started to say.

"what? no way! I'm fine. I just took an excedrin. I'll be good. And it's the season finale tonight, we're not missing that for anything!" Zoe said, plopping down on the couch and grabbing one of the pasta containers.

Cillian laughed and sat down next to her. "Okay good"

Zoe and Cillian opened the containers and alternated between the both of them, sharing the food. It was a comfortable routine that they fell into, and Zoe hoped he enjoyed it as much as she did.

Zoe leaned back into the couch and picked her feet up and curled them under her. Cillian leaned back as well, placing his arm on the couch behind her. That's new too... Zoe thought. Her heart started racing.

"Kendall's such a little bitch" Cillian said, sighing.

"That's what happens when you try to live up to your father's expectations I guess" Zoe said.

"If I did what my father wanted me to do, I'd be a lawyer" Cillian said, half laughing. "What about you?"

Zoe froze. Her dad will always be a sore subject.

"I AM doing what he wanted me to do, but I guess he never got to see it" Zoe said.

"He's proud." Cillian said confidently.

"How would you know that?" Zoe said. "You saw one picture of him and it was of his back"

"Why wouldn't he be? Why wouldn't anyone be?" Cillian said, calmly. "I know I'm proud of you"

"Stop" Zoe said, rolling her eyes.

"I'm serious. How you're handing all of this, how you acted during our interview, you kept it professional yet it felt like I was talking to a longtime friend. I've done a lot of interviews and yours will always stick out"

"Gee, I wonder why" Zoe shot back, hand gesturing between the two of them.

"No, not because of this. If that would of never happened I still would of remembered you" Cillian said, looking at her. "Going home with you was just a nice bonus"

"I think you're just being nice" Zoe said

"I think you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You're an amazing girl, Zoe. and you deserve to know." Cillian said as his arm dropped from the couch to her, thumb rubbing soft circled on her shoulder.

Zoe was silent.

"Do you ever think about that night?" Cillian said, quietly.

"I would, but honestly I don't remember much" Zoe replied, just as softly.

"Me too. I remember laughing with you. Something I haven't done in a long time. I remember you hugging me, your hand rubbing my back and your face in my neck. I wished I remembered more..." Cillian said, shifting his body towards her.

Zoe weighed her options. On one hand, there was a part of her that was frozen there. Don't make a move, let him do everything. That's the part she normally listened to.

The other part, the devil on her shoulder, told her to grab him and kiss him.

Nothing was normal about this situation. Nothing at all.

Devil it is.

Zoe took a deep breath, turned her body towards him, put her hands on his face and kissed him. She could tell he was shocked, but began to kiss her back almost immediately. His hands rubbed up and down her arms, moving to her waist to pull her closer. Her arms wrapped around his neck and depened the kiss.

Okay, this is good. I should make the first move more often. Zoe thought.

The kiss began more intense, and she slowly pulled him towards her as she laid back, pulling him to lay on top of her. They finally broke the kiss, foreheads still pressed together, heavy breathing just staring at each other.

"you're so pretty Zoe" Cillian whispered, rubbing his thumb against her cheek.

Zoe could get used to 3 more months of this.

Zoe smiled and pulled him in for another kiss, only to be interrupted by the phone ringing.

They both shot a look at the phone on the table, lit up with the words SISTER flashing across the screen.

Cillian sat up, smoothing back his short hair.

"I don't have to answer..." Zoe said, still laying down, hoping he'd get the hint and resume his position.

Cillian smiled. "Answer it, it's fine" He said. He cleared his throat and started bringing the food containers into the kitchen.

Ok, that's... weird. Zoe thought.

By now, the phone stopped ringing. about 15 seconds later, a text message came up on the screen.

"Soph wanted to say goodnight. and I hoped you booked your plane ticket!!"

Jen had accompanied the text with a picture of Sophie in her pajamas.

"Hey uh, I better get going" Cillian said, putting his shoes on.

"Wait.. what? why?" Zoe said, confused. "Succession isn't even over yet"

"I know, I'm just... really tired. I'll see you this week, ok?" Cillian said, stepping towards her, as if he was about to kiss her. He stopped, hesitated, then just reached out to squeeze her arm. He opened the front door and left without another word.

Zoe stood there, in the middle of the living room, all hot and bothered and confused and angry and hurt and embarrassed. She was so sick of being walked all over like this. So tired of mixed signals, tip-toeing around, walking on egg shells with people. What happened tonight was just like what happened at the bar one of the first times her and Cillian hung out. it's like Jekyll and Hyde, and he does a 180 in an instant.

She doesn't know where it came from, but something inside of her said she had enough. All those years of getting walked over, are done. It's time she took control and let people know how she felt. She wouldn't be walked all over again. "Fuck you" she yelled at the front door, as if he was still standing there.

She turned to the TV. "You're not the only one acting like a little bitch tonight, Kendall"

tags: @lau219 @wolfieellsworld 

[killerfrost92]

So this is an Haylor blog, but this time i want to make a post for what happened in these couple of days cuz i am comfortable enough here.

I was one of the fewest rare people to say how Taylor literally loved Joe more than he ever did.

I was one of the fewest rare people to say how Taylor wrote songs about putting him on a such high pedestal and she was the inferior one and melodramatic one who did only wrong but he never did.

I was one of the fewest rare people, no maybe the only one to say that Lover was not happy at all. That many songs were anxious and not not talking about a secure, confident love. After ending reputation with an amazing song about future, about confidence of their love... In the following you talk about fears?

And all for that i was attacked by Taylor fandom especially for the last thing: i was insulted and called little kid(i'm 31 lol) who could not understand Lover cuz i never had an healthy relationship. But there is nothing healthy having a constant fear of your partner go away, having a costant insecurity of being not as much as your partner.

But now.. i'm here blasting, laughing as hell to see these fans changed their mind and saying the same things i used to say since years after You're Losing Me and its writing date, the break up, the Tree Pain story.. I'm watching these fans who once attacked me and insulted me changed their narratives cuz they don't have their own brain to think: they are just projecting Taylor feelings in them: Taylor said she was happy with Joe: oh they are best couple ever! That's true love!!!" Taylor now wants to say that the things were off for a long time before their break up? Yes, they were on and off for these 6 years, he never wanted her to shine and blah blah blah

This fandom literally can't have personal opinions and if you have one that doesn't match with theirs, well they will make you feel bad, but don't worry cuz what goes around comes back around and at the end you will be right.

Thanks for coming for my ted walk

[suratan-zir]

Remember I shifted the responsibility to you? Y'all got me into trouble.

this is yet another post about rats, I'm sorry

About a week ago, I was feeling exceptionally anxious and overall unwell, so I did what I typically do to make things even worse. I looked through the rat ads online and found what I was looking for. In a city next to my town, a classic case of a rat in a tiny prison cell. Most likely bought for a child who got bored of it, either because it's not as cute anymore, its claws are too sharp, it smells bad or whatever the reason is. I've rescued quite a few of such unfortunate rats in the past. My most beloved rat of all times, Bambook, the little guy on my user icon, once was rescued from these conditions:

(yes, I keep the old screenshots because I'm sentimental like that)

So when I saw this post, my brain went like "this will be Bambook number two, same age, same conditions, even at the same price! I'll save him, love him and finally, after over a year of grieving, will let Bambook go"

(mind you, this rat is only 4-5 months old, very skinny and weighs 300 grams. Adult males can weight from 600 to 700 grams on average. Yet in this cage he looks big because of how small it is)

I went to that city, two teenage girls, who were looking kinda scared for some reason, handed me this tiny boy. I was asked to bring "a box or something" because "the cage is sold separately". I brought a carrier that was probably bigger than the torture devise they call a "cage".

I could barely talk to them, they started almost running away immediately after handing me the rat. Initially I didn't think much of it, I'm sort of used to people being scared of me. I'm told that I have a weird gloomy, unfriendly look on my face. But they probably wanted to get rid of him before I notice...

On the way home the rat was sweet and gentle, licking my hands and enjoying being petted. But when we got home…oh boy. I always knew that male rats can exhibit hormonal aggression, especially at the age of 6-8 months. But in the years of keeping rats, I never ever encountered such aggression towards humans. Guess I was just lucky.

At first he's cute and cuddly, calm even, then something switches inside his brain and in an instant he goes into killing mode. He attacks not only hands, he bites even knees and thighs, basically every body part he can reach. Then he calms down and demands pets again. He not only bites, but thinks I'm his bitch. After what he did to my hands and knees, they might be pregnant… The girls mentioned that he lived with another rat before they moved him to that cage. I assume it was a female and he mated with her, which made him even more hormonal.

So, everyone, meet Skritch. He went to horny jail and they stole his balls.

Also, the photo where he's stoned is the best photo I have of him, because he won't stop moving.

Skritch is smart, sweet and very friendly whenever he's not attacking me.

He was neutered only yesterday, so it is too early to judge the changes in his behavior. But he no longer bites my hand in the cage, even when we wrestle, which is a huge improvement. But unfortunately, he still didn't pass the couch test. (couch is the place where he gets most aggressive, probably because of the smells of other rats)

He attacked me only once today, the result you can see on the video, it's not nearly as bad as his bites were before. And after that, as always, he acted all innocent and affectionate and fell asleep by my side.

I already love him so much, even if he's a menace. But I am so not looking forward to introducing him to my other boys. Something tells me it's not gonna be easy.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote:

Hello mbti-notes and thank you for having this blog. INTP here (probably). Sorry if this post is unstructured. I'm writing this in middle of what I think of as Fe-grip (anxiety/depression) as my problem is related to that.

If you aren't certain about your type, do a proper type assessment. I won't comment on function development otherwise. At the end of your message, you ask whether your thinking is "rational". This is a concerning question since INTPs should automatically understand what it means to be rational and how to determine it.

My aux Ne is trying to remind me of lots of future worst case scenarios, to the point that I experience anxiety, depression and hopelessness.

These "future worst case scenarios" you speak of are fiction. It is your imagination, so why do you treat them as real? Are you being rational when you can't tell the difference between what happens inside your mind and external reality?

And my Si (combined with Ti) tries to find out other people's experiences (online) and facts to support them. And then my Fe makes me regretful, anxious and depressed.

I don't really understand, why should other people's experience have any bearing on you? Are you not an individual with your own path and your own life to live? Are you being rational when you conflate their experience with yours?

I have written to you before. To cut the long story short, I made wrong choices and also trusted my family in some cases in my late teens and 20s, which caused me to waste all those years and my youth with it.

What do you mean by "waste"? Aren't all of your experiences a part of you and important for making you who you are? Acceptance of your past is an important aspect of self-acceptance. Are you being rational when you seek the impossible, such as wanting only positive experiences and never any negative things in life?

Then in my late 20s, I found my path and decided to fix my life. The problem is, despite trying to improve my life (in order to find a career and also reach my other goals), I feel behind in life. I know I can't make my life as good as the wise version of my teen or YA self, or a person that starts this process in their early 20s.

What do you mean by "fell behind"? By what standards? Society's standards? What is this "wise version of my teen or YA self" you speak of? Wisdom can only come through learning from extensive life experience, so teens, by definition, aren't wise. It may sound insulting but it's a fact of brain maturation. Your perception of the past seems distorted, so your comparisons are nonsensical. Are you being rational when you adopt arbitrary beliefs about "success"?

I'm also really terrified of ageism and aging. To the point that I get a panic attack everytime I see small signs of aging in myself. I've heard people are more respected and desired from 18 to 30. I was always indifferent towards those things and didn't care about being desired by other people, but lately things have changed and I'm starting to get terrified of myself, my age, my body and my future.

People age and die; these are facts of life. Are you being rational when you spend all your energy refusing to accept the facts of life, rather than taking action to make the most of your limited time?

I can't get over my lost youth. I studied something my family wanted and even graduated, but couldn't find a career with it where I live. And I spent most of my 20s in isolation. I refused to date, refused to make friends didn't experience life much and didn't reach my goals (professional, gender-related and immigration related).

You refused to date, refused to make friends, and refused to live a full life? In other words, you are now facing the consequences of your decisions. Negative consequences exist to teach you the error of your ways, such that you can CHANGE and evolve throughout life. Are you being rational by getting angry at logical consequences, rather than learning from them, making different decisions, and getting better outcomes?

These days, I'm either numb or experiencing Fe overload (panic attack, anxiety and depression and some worse things). To the point that I'm afraid of myself. I can't trust psychiatrists as I live in a conservative place and don't know if I can explain EVERYTHING to them.

I sympathize that it's difficult for you to get professional help where you are, but this doesn't mean it's an impossibility. With the internet, you have access to people all over the world. Perhaps you need to learn how to use your imagination for good and explore more possibilities for getting the help you need. If you are deep in Si loop, it means you talk yourself out of good opportunities or convince yourself there are no good opportunities, because you don't want to risk feeling disappointed or hurt again. If that's the case, are you being rational when you'd prefer being stuck in pain to moving forward in life?

And I can't trust my family either. I have tried to find solutions online. It says you have to accept aging or hide it, but I can't do either of them. Nothing has been able to help me. I still regret losing my 20s/youth, not being able to be myself, starting late, etc. To the point that I can't be hopeful about my future. I'm also angry with my society/cntry for being conservative and irrational, for making me stay closeted, forcing me to be covered and wear things that don't define "me" in public, and not being able to deal with a person like me. Plus other issues. I'm also disappointed with my family, for being ashamed of me, forcing me to dress up and hide/change myself, not seeing my struggles and not researching. And most of them are high Si or Se users, so when they see me depressed, they either gaslight/shame me for it, or buy me food or want to take me out, which actually makes me guilty and more depressed.

I have written many times about the pointlessness of blame. It is a distraction. It is a way to deflect responsibility. It is a way to wallow in self-pity by always taking the position of the helpless victim. By your own admission, over and over again, you kept allowing yourself to be swayed by mere opinion. And now you blame all those things rather than facing up to the facts. Without being in touch with the facts, on what basis can you make good decisions? Are you being rational when you continually refuse to face facts?

Yes I know, the most logical thing here is to focus on my goals and studies. And I'm trying my best. But those fears and regrets are always on the back of my head (sometimes even worse) causing me anxiety attacks.

You seem to have a habit of constantly fighting against your feelings and emotions - has it worked for you? Or have they only gotten worse the more you resist and battle them? When a strategy doesn't work, is it rational to keep repeating it?

This is an issue of poor emotional intelligence and another example of being unwilling to face facts, in this case, the facts of your psychology. Please consult past posts about how to improve your emotional intelligence. Are you being rational when your decision-making process has been hijacked by runaway negative emotions?

I mean, my youth got wasted, and from now on, I'm probably going to experience age discrimination and ageism in many areas of life (professional, dating, clubs, etc), even if I reach my other goals and immigrate to a better place.

Do you know why you suffer fear of ageism? Because you have chosen to use age to define your worth. You have internalized the destructive ageist standards of the most shallow members of your society. You blame others for their faults, but you have chosen to be just like them, haven't you?

At some point, you have to grow up, which means making a difficult decision: Are you going to be your own person and live life as you need to, guided by your own carefully considered beliefs and values? Or are you going to keep subjecting yourself to the standards of others and constantly suffer on a roller coaster of their dis/approvals?

You can't have it both ways; you can't keep seeking the highs of validation without also experiencing the lows of invalidation. As long as you keep using this shallow system of evaluating your self-worth, you'll suffer. Pain is unavoidable in life, but suffering is a choice. Is it rational to keep choosing suffering?

My question is, 1) Am I making a rational judgement here?

I'm hard-pressed to find any rational judgment above. It is rational and healthy to feel bad about bad circumstances. You ought to seek comfort for getting through difficult times and support/assistance for changing what you can about negative situations. But it isn't healthy or rational to indulge judgmentalness, throw around blame, dwell in negativity, and/or obsess about things you don't have the power to change; these activities are an empty comfort that not only hold you back in life but keep you stuck in pain and suffering.

2) Is there a way to permanently get out of Fe grip without being later triggered by Si viewpoints?

Yes, it is through properly developing Ti and Ne. If you really don't want to correct your flawed judgment and open your mind to alternative ways of thinking and solving problems, then perhaps you do need to reconsider whether you are actually INTP.

[emmerrr]

fic tag game

thanks for the tag @kelliealtogether !

How many works do you have on ao3? 106

What’s your total ao3 word count? 677,888

What fandoms do you write for? The Raven Cycle/The Dreamer Trilogy, All For The Game

What are your top 5 fics by kudos? The Road To Nowhere / Yes, Coach / Stay / The Bones of You / You go your way, I'll go your way too -- all AFTG fics. it's funny, i feel like i'm more 'known' (for want of a better word) for trc/pynch fics and i've certainly written more of them, but almost all of my aftg fics are considerably more popular if we're going by kudos.

Do you respond to comments? i used to reply to every single one without fail but it started to make me really really anxious at a time when i was writing a multi-chapter fic, because some comments really don't warrant a reply, but i got into a mindset of 'well if i reply to one comment i have to reply to all of them' and then i realised that i don't, actually! also i'm allergic to notifications so as soon as i read them i mark them as read, which makes my brain happier but also means i'm more likely to forget to reply. i always reply if someone asks a question, and i do try to at least reply to the first chunk of comments i get on a new fic though!

What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? probably burning bright right 'til the end

What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? head over heels immediately comes to mind. also kick start my rock and rollin' heart. but tbh almost all my fics have happy endings, that's just how i roll. (also a lot of them are short oneshots that are less about narrative and more about vibes, so they don't all necessarily feel like they have endings as such!)

Do you get hate on fics? nope, i've been pretty lucky so far!

Do you write smut? i very occasionally write smut-adjacent lmao, but not really

Do you write crossovers? no, they don't really interest me

Have you ever had a fic stolen? i hope not!

Have you ever had a fic translated? yes, one. i've been asked quite a lot as well and my answer is that i'm fine with my fics being translated (with credit obviously) but only if they're being posted on ao3, i don't want them on any other site.

Have you ever co written a fic? nope 

What’s your all time favourite ship? i mean i've definitely written more pynch than anything else, but i ship a lot of things!

What’s a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will? i don't wanna say that i'll never finish any of the fics i've started in earnest -- if i liked an idea enough that any of it all made it out of my head and onto a page then there's hope for it in the future. i'll get to them when i get to them!

What are your writing strengths? dialogue. it always comes the easiest to me. a lot of my fics start from conversations that popped into my head, then i get to write the situation to get that conversation to happen which is the tricky part!

What are your writing weaknesses? everything else! idk, world-building i guess? i don't think i'm that great at descriptions. i can do all the internal character feelings and emotions and stuff, it's just the external that i stuggle with.

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? i haven't done it but i'm not like, against it?

First fandom you wrote for? technically lotr before i knew what fanfiction was, and i printed it out lmaoooo. i have no idea what happened to it i think i probably threw it away.

Favourite fic you’ve ever written? at the minute? Caught By The Light. ask me tomorrow and my answer will probably change!

not sure who's already been tagged, so if you haven't yet and you wanna do it, consider yourself tagged!

[tarnussy]

Bit of a DIY year in review from your resident Stormveil dweller here. Soon-to-be Elden Lord for the first time.

No Steam review from me with that questionable toxic relationship line everyone is getting, but here is my year in review regardless. I am only posting this for myself mainly.

I have also shown these at some point this year (with less hours), so no changes in characters, just my self-insert Tarnished and Godrick. I nearly opened this game every day with a few exceptions since I first played it in February (honorable mention to being utterly smitten with it since release, even though I couldn't play it at the time for a whole year).

My main and first gameplay is the one with over 500 hours, and yes, I still have not finished my first playthrough. I am on Elden Beast though, and I know I want to gif parts of it because I'm doing a DIY Age of Grafting with everyone essentially being dead except Godrick (plus Rannald sitting underground forever, good for her).

I also don't know what outfit to wear for the final cutscene that would make sense for the ending I'm doing, I have a lot of contenders. Plus I am in no rush, I play this game to be immersed in it, to collect my little plants and to loot the same areas over and over while taking my little grafted silly guy with me - and Godrick's summon made this game 500x better, even though it was already my favourite before that.

I have multiple playthroughs because I like to be able to access every single area and boss in case I decide to make a gifset or post, without having to spend hours to fight my way across the map to a boss I wanna gif but already fought. Therefore, Rivers of Blood my beloved, it is a gifmaker's / virtual photographer's best friend if you want to clear out an area fast for footage. Makes me sad how I feel anxious even to include it in posts bc I know how hard people tend to go off on players who use it, even if you play offline.

Other favourites are: Meteoric Ore blade, Crystal sword, Lordsworn Straight sword, St. Trina's sword, Eleonora's poleblade. None of these were tainted by gamerbros (unlike RoB and Moonveil), I went in absolutely blind when it came to weapons and I used what I genuinely liked and like to this day. My fav kind of magic is gravity magic.

One thing I am sad about is the gameplay timer, and the fact that it stops at 999 hours played. That will probably be the only thing that will stop me from continuing my very first playthrough on my main character. I must track the playtime at all times. We'll see.

Oh I guess it won't hurt if I mention that ER is my first Souls game, and it was nowhere near as hard and scary as people tend to tell that to new players. It was fine, save for late game areas. But I guess it also helped that I came to open world fantasy games from survival horror games, so getting my ass kicked was just normal. Now of course I'm so used to the keyboard settings on this game that I can't even go back to other games like TW3 at the moment because my brain just can't comprehend it. I constantly want to double jump with the horse in other games.

Yeah I could go on for hours just talking about what comes to mind, but that is enough I believe. Favourite game. Thank you Godrick for terrorizing my Souls-virgin ass with your cutscene when I had no context or idea about anything at all. Seeing your cutscene and fight made me say it out loud that I'll never play this game and that I didn't see the appeal. Biggest clown shit I've ever said in my life, look at me now 🤡 I'm running out of face paint.

[goron-king-darunia]

Annon-Guy: Hi Darunia.

How's it going?

What did you think of my game idea for DotNW?

Do you ever get scared of getting Heart Disease (the clogged artery kind)?

1, It's going pretty well. I'm still catching up on things.

2.

And if you're talking about these posts, I think it's really nifty! I do think it would be an overwhelming amount of content to get through with all the extra side content. But I appreciate how much you want to see all your faves together.

3. I generally try not to worry myself with stuff I can't control because being afraid doesn't help anything. That doesn't mean I'm not afraid. But it means that I try to act on useful concerns and ignore anxious fear.

Think of it this way: If there's something you can do, right now, to fix/help your odds at preventing heart disease, take those steps right now. Plan a healthier diet, exercise, take care of your health, visit your doctor regularly. If you're already doing the best you can and there's nothing you can change, then it doesn't help anything at all to worry about it. I know it's easier said then done. I worry about a lot of things that I can't help. You can't just decide not to have anxiety about something. But if your worrying only stresses you out because there's nothing you can do about it, it's not healthy to dwell about it. Focus on distracting yourself because worrying about something you cannot prevent or improve your odds against just makes you suffer unnecessarily. Obviously it's not an irrational thing to be afraid of. But it's pointless to let fear paralyze you into not living your life. You just have to do your best and enjoy the time you have on this earth and make the healthiest choices you're able to make. It IS scary to think about. So I don't. I do my very best to not think of it. Instead I focus on things I can change and things that bring me joy. Cooking my own meals helps me make healthier decisions and brings me joy. So I try to cook my own foods. Playing video games and hanging out with friends helps keep my mind in a good place with less anxiety.

I find that it's harder to stop irrational anxiety when I'm overly tired. If I stay up too late, my brain spirals into anxiety when I try to go to sleep. So I try to go to bed before I get too tired.

When all else fails, I do my best to find things that make me laugh. I can't be upset if I'm laughing. Sometimes it's enough to just hear a human voice so that I don't feel alone with my thoughts.

Fear exists for a reason. It keeps us alive. But there are only 2 ways to deal with it. Either you address it, confront it, let it motivate you to change things for the better, or you ignore it because it isn't helping you.

So that's what I try to do. Hopefully that was helpful?

[matenrou-fan]

Jakurai comforts you after nightmare

I love to post small things like hc but decided that I should write something larger too, I want to make more work with plot

NB reader, comfort, cuddles, fluff;; 1167 words

It's was after midnight, as you suddenly wake up almost gasping as you look around with terrified eyes. It's takes you a few moments to realise that you are not dreaming anymore, but sitting in your safe dark bedroom as your boyfriend sleep next to you, looking pretty unbothered. You sigh and lay down again, trying to be as quiet as you can. He's a doctor, after all, he need to receive his full night's sleep so he can treat people without any problems.

But it was so hard to fall asleep again. Even in your comfy bed that was pretty warm you feel so cold, you can't stop trembling as your mind return to this nightmare again and again. Despite you feel sleepy and your head hurt a little after you woke up so sudden, you heart was beating so fast, sending waves of anxiety through your body. You shrugs, trying to think about something good but it was hard. If it was a day you would just open your phone and watch tik tok for a little while, short funny videos makes you brain quickly forget about something bad, or you would just call your boyfriend, his quiet deep voice always makes you feel so much easier even in hard times.

Your boyfriend.. You turn around to face him, his pale face look even more mysterious and angelic in night, as moonlight falling on his sleeping figure.. As soon as you open your mouth to call him quietly Jakurai open his eyes, a little bit sleepy but worried.

"Is something wrong, my dear..?" - his voice was more deeper after sleep, so beautiful and shooting, you already feel much easier just to bt the thought that he's also awake and that's he's here, next to you. But you just shake your head.

"Nothing.. I just.. just can't fall asleep, can I hug you?" - you ask shyly, looking away. He probably can't see your eyes in such dark but you still was a little bit ashamed to wake up him in the middle of the night before his long work shift.

"Of course, darling, come closer.." - he smiles softly as he put his long slim arms around your body, he's so warm after sleep. You feel a wave of goosebumps running through your full body as you hug him back, as you let out a short sigh.

Jakurai embrace you slowly as you nuzzle to his chest, hearing his peaceful heartbeat makes you feel easy, and his big arms around you looks like a shelter from everything bad, as if he protect your from all nightmares.

"So.. you wants to keep your secrets or willing to tell me..?" - Jakurai chuckle softly as he pat your head. He always read you so easily, even when he can't see your face, just by the way you act, by the way you voice changes.. It's tell him much more than you think.

"H.. how you..?"

"Darling. I'm your man, after all.." - he leaning closer and kiss the top of your head gently, your soft hair tickle him a little - "I can tell if something bothers you"

You sigh, a little bit ashamed of how quickly he realise everything. Always so caring and insightful, nothing can hide from his careful gaze, especially if it's something about you. Jakurai was your boyfriend just for few months but it's feels like you already spend eternity with him, just how good he know all your needs, habits and small details.

You tell him quietly about your nightmare, even in his protective hug you still shivers a little when think about this thing again.

"You don't need to talk about this if you don't want to, it would be easier for you to just forget it.." He notice how you get anxious again and hug you a little bit tighter but you shake you head once again.

"How can I relax, knowing that you feel bad?" - Jakurai sigh and take your cheek in his hand. So incredibly soft and warm, you close your eyes as you head leaning to his arm as he caresses your skin with his fingers - "If you have something in your chest than tell me.."

"No.. it wasn't just a simple nightmare about something fantastic like monsters or anything.. It's.. uh.." you silent for a moment. It was more like your brain, even in sleep, continue to think about your real life problems, not giving you a chance to relax even in sleep from all this stress, and now you feel a urge to talk about this. But it's almost 2 a.m.. - "I will tell you tomorrow, you should relax right now.."

You finally give up, hugging him more tightly as you hide your face in his chest, start telling about all you worries. You start haltingly, a little bit ashamed, but Jakurai was listening carefully, nodding to your words and you become more confident as you open him your soul.

He keep listen to your weak scared voice as he caressing your back with his long slim hands, drawing small circles and shapes with his fingers on your pyjamas. After you tell him everything, you finally felt so much easier as you throw away that terrible nightmare with all your problems. Jakurai notice that you become more relaxed.

"How are you now? Did it make you feel better?" he chuckle when you simply nod, you head still resting on his chest as you curled up into a ball like a small kitten "Then you should fall asleep now. Tomorrow we will talk about this a little bit more, as I willing to help you with that things. But now, just close your eyes, just like that..." his soothing voice become more quite as he start lull you back to sleep "Just remember that I'm always here, with you, and I will not let this problems ruin your life and your future.. I will protect you, my darling sunshine"

You close your eyes, sighing to his chest as you try to relax, this time it was more easy, as you already start to feel more sleepy. And when he cradle you a little, humming something nice and calm you finally start to dozing off, mumbling really quite.

"Thank you.. Jakurai"

He stop for a moment when he hears you soft whisper but then smile and continue to sing quietly, as his heart skip a beat. You just so adorable, this simple little words makes him feel so special as he close his eyes too, thinking about how much he values you in his life. He can't stop thinking about how precious and innocent you are, and how much he wants you to comfort you, both in day and night, in real life and in sleep..

So he hug you tightly, feeling as his eyes becomes more heavier and he slowly fall asleep, his arms still around you as he keep you closer to himself, protecting.

"Love you, my little darling♡"

[mothandbird]

Overanalyzing Black Paradox

tw: suicide I wrote an article for five hours regarding the themes of Black Paradox by Junji Ito. Do you want to see me overanalyze all the themes of Black Paradox to an extreme extent to the point where it doesn't make any sense what I'm talking about? Do you want to hear me talk about climate change, how the story's beginning ties into its ending but also not really, how I tried and failed to find the paradox in Black Paradox using the fullest extent of my sleep-deprived brain?

Well, here is the entire blog post without images condensed into Tumblr Format through the power of copy and paste.

Black Paradox is a manga written and drawn by famous horror artist Junji Ito. It is about four people who meet up online through a suicide website called Black Paradox to commit group suicide. Now I will say I was initially swindled by the book's presence. I flipped through a couple pages and saw a man being pulled out of what looked like water and being resuscitated. On the back of the book it says that the four try to find a way to achieve a "perfect death". Through my folly I had mistakenly misinterpreted this book as four individuals obsessed with thanatology reaching what they believe to be a perfect, absolute death within their philosophical confines.  

Macabre, off-putting, surreal - that was the mindset I was initially entering the book with. Instead I got four people who fight over each other to collect a bundle of rare gemstones that offer unlimited energy that emerge from the dead while remaining pursued by their unresolved pasts.

The difference between my expectations and what I received does not mean that this is not a good book. In fact, I reread this book for my review. As with most books, you are not going to get exactly what's written on the back. 

So with that in mind, take the review with a pinch of salt and a dash of pepper. Read the first few bits of the review and see for yourself if the plot sounds like your cup of tea.

The Cast of Our Misfortunes

Who are the central characters of the story, and why are they here?

(These are not spoilers, by the way. All of this is stated in the first ten pages of the book)

Maruso - a girl suffering from a foreboding dread which she fears predicts a series of disasters lying in her near future. She worries that this sensation is a premonition of misfortune to come, and wishes to avoid an unpleasant fate. She is anxious, reserved, and skittish of what is to come.

Taburo - a boy who claims to have seen his doppelganger. One common folktale is that if you see your doppelganger, it means you are going to die soon. Taburo wishes to expedite the process instead of slowly waiting for his own death. He is flippant, arrogant, and apathetic.

Pi-tan - a man who invented a robot designed after himself. As the robot was "better" in every way and universally celebrated by his peers, Pi-tan felt that his own existence is threatened by the "other him" and wishes to die before a public press announcement of the robot's existence is made. He is melancholic, academic, and reserved.

Barrachi - a woman who was born with half of her face scarred. She cannot bear the given perception of herself, and as a result joined the group primarily from self-loathing. She is cynical, shrewd, and adamant.

It is hard to come up with descriptors for Junji Ito's characters. Usually characters in Junji Ito's works are purposely designed to be bland without personality, or resemble a generic "everyday person" trope. The reasoning for this is that the less details a protagonist or character has, the easier it feels to project onto them. Furthermore it's hard to condense character development in a graphic-based novel with limited space and words. Also, if the characters had complex personalities, we would feel bad when a character we personally relate to or enjoy suffers or experiences hardship. Vice versa, when a character we hate experiences misfortune we experience catharsis.

In this book however we have the four same characters throughout the entire book. Their lives are not completely laid out for us but their motivations and rationalizations are; a stark difference from other Junji Ito anthologies. 

The general plot of the book is that one of the characters starts throwing up never-before-seen gemstones called Paradonite. These gemstones are astonishingly beautiful and release a tremendous amount of energy when struck. The group believes these gemstones are from some form of spirit world and are split being those who believe the gemstones should be left alone and those who wish to monopolize them for their own profit. The book is a fairly short read and only takes about two hours to finish. Overall, the book is divided between chapters where the group initially meets up to die, the discovery and monopolization of the gemstones, and the investigation into how to acquire more of them by travelling to this spirit world. 

The narrative flow of the book is smooth. The only significant portion of the book that is significantly crunched together is the ending which gives exposition towards what the spirit world is, what the gemstones are, and a predictive epilogue for what will happen to the characters. However I'd say the ending is still enjoyable, one of the most enjoyable factors of the book in fact, despite it being 90% exposition. This could be that I personally liked the ideas introduced in the ending and their implications, as well as being given details and answers to some of the more significant questions proposed in the book. It also ties up some themes from the beginning of the book, which I will discuss later on. I don't want to spoil the entire plot, if you are still planning on reading it.

Recommendations:

I would not say that this was my absolute favorite book by Junji Ito (Tomie and Hellstar Remina), but just because it's not my favorite does not mean I disliked it. I enjoyed the book, more so the second-time rereading it than the first; it does not have an extensive amount of body horror compared to Junji Ito's other works and instead shifts its focus more towards the plot and characters.

Note: Spoilers ahead for the first chapter, ending, and other random plot points in the book. If you want to read the book, do so first.

There are several themes in the book that reoccur throughout the beginning and end. I will go through each one that I personally noticed, and what I think they mean in the story itself.

Double or Nothing: The Doubles of Our Characters

You may have noticed from the character's descriptions (and the first chapter) that three of our four characters have a "double" in some shape or form that initially presses them into suicide. Barrachi has her reflection, Pi-tan has a robot designed to look like him, and Taburo has his doppelganger. 

In the first chapter, Maruso accidentally enters a car with these doubles who plan to kill themselves and the originals - this is done from a plot-standpoint to prevent our cast from committing suicide and drive home the idea of the doubles existing in the novel. While all three of the doubles "die" in this first chapter, they do reappear and play what I believe to be a significant role throughout the remainder of the book.

Towards the latter half of the book the main cast are slowly recruited to travel to the spirit world through their respective portals. As a rule each character can only travel through a portal made from their own designated portal or they will die. During these scenes of the characters gradually travelling to and from the spirit world, there is something of particular interest. That being that every time a character decides to travel to the spirit world, they reflect their double.

For example: 

The Pi-tan that goes into the spirit world is actually the Pi-tan robot being piloted by his soul

The Barrachi that goes into the spirit world has had surgery to fix the birthmark on the left side of her face. At the beginning of the novel we see that Barrachis double, her reflection, has her birthmark on her right side. It is mentioned in the second chapter that the reflection could just change what side of her face has the birthmark if the reflection was two mirrors facing each other. Therefore it could be argued that Barrachi is therefore an extension of her reflection by the end of a novel, her reflection and herself overlapping.

Taburo just gets visited by his doppelganger, fears that his shadow is also his doppelganger, then the next time we see him is him walking out of his own shadow. We could view all of these as their doubles becoming "one" with the cast and characters.

Maruso's double isn't really a double, it's just her anxiety and fears for the future which disappear later on in the book and instead coalesce as an acceptance of the future, no matter how horrible it appears.

 This comes into the idea that all of the characters, despite being initially pushed to suicide due to the appearance of their "doubles" or sources of conflict, eventually loop back around towards embodying or embracing some aspect of their double by the end of the story. 

It is also insinuated that the doubles have some form of connection with the spirit world and why the characters act as gateways. Barrachi has spirit stones fall out of her birthmark, Taburo has spirit stones fall out of his shadow (the only thing that resembles him to the closest extent, like a doppelganger), and Maruso has her gateway in the part of the brain that controls fear (which initially drove her to suicide in the first place).

The Cost of Eternity

This comparison is short and sweet. It is revealed at the ending of the book that Paradonite isn't just a gem that contains the souls of those who go to the afterlife. Instead, it is a soul for everything and anything that is living; the soul, personality, and spirit of a person are stored inside of the gemstone while they physically exist on Earth, and when they die they presumably reincarnate with their spirit entering a new body. To put it in simpler terms, imagine your brain was in a jar but it could still move your body even though your body itself may not be aware of the brains existence or its influence.

  It is speculated that as Paradonite is harvested and consumed for energy, people on Earth will "vanish" as their soul's are consumed. It draws parallels with modern day climate change with discussion whether humanity will still use Paradonite once they realize the cost of its energy and that the immediate benefits and resources are impacting their lives and safety long-term.

The Afterlife and Back

Another theme that is mentioned at the end of the book is the reason this all happened in the first place. At the beginning of the book, all of the characters want to die. In the ending of the book the characters technically achieve this by travelling to and from the afterlife to collect Paradonite, thus fulfilling their goal at the beginning of the book without reaching finality. The only exception to this is Pi-tan, who DOES end up dying at the beginning, but possesses Pi-tan's robot. The characters also end up subverting the reason they wanted to die in the first place; Maruso no longer experiences dread about the future, Pi-tan now IS his robot, Barrachi had her birthmark removed... 

In all instances the characters achieved not only their initial goal of dying, but also in removing the cause that incited their death in the first place.

I thought this was a neat detail, even if it is told directly to us in the book.

The Paradox in Black Paradox

So what is the paradox in Black Paradox. I am not sure. I am guessing for this. This is a sleep-deprived, one-off guess that I cooked up in a primordial stew of neurons and tap water. My guess is that the paradox in Black Paradox (asides from it being merely a name) is that the source of the entire story (the doubles, and Maruso's foreboding for the future) would not have even occurred without the doubles appearing. Maruso wouldn't have had any foreboding about the future, so she wouldn't be there. Many of the doubles seem to share the same goal of dying at the beginning of the film; indeed, Pi-tans robot expresses the wish to die even before Pi-tan's soul begins possessing it. It is likely, given that some of the doubles like Tashuro's doppelganger keep coming back, that these doubles are either a manifestation of the cast's trauma, personal self-loathing, or a representation of their deaths. I don't really know though. These doubles existences are unexplained. However, they do end up subverting the characters deaths multiple times - thus removing any reason for their existence in the first place. The doppelganger doesn't show up after Tashuro begins journeying into the afterlife, nor does anyone else's double once they visit the spirit world (Pi-tan's robot doesn't count because it IS Pi-tan.). Where am I going with this? I don't know. It's been a long day and I am 1400 words into this review and frankly not awake enough to solve a paradox which may or may not exist. It could be that there IS no paradox and Black Paradox is a name that was only picked out. Gyo (another of Junji Ito's works) wasn't about climate change or the devastating drawbacks that meddling with nature can bring, it solely written to be about fish with legs.

That is all for the review. If you have ANY theories, or sources of what the paradox in Black Paradox is, post it in the comments please. I may be confuddling myself in the shadow of Occam's Razor. and that is the end of this review. Bravo if you made it this far. I apologize for any haphazardly thrown together words, I cannot coherently dissect the themes anymore than this or in a more eloquent manner.