#I'm planning on writing an actual story about the pregnancy reveal moment at some point lol.

[whomuses]

The Future I Didn't Know I Had || Post Game

Hello! Just a quick writeup on the post game universe and how it all plays out. I'm desperate to write stuff from this world, this is where Mirabeli comes into play, but of course I'm still writing during-game stuff too. I thought I'd get a rough timeline down here. Trigger warnings apply for pregnancy, ptsd/c-ptsd, nightmares, panic attacks, standard durge stuff from my blog lol.

On the morning after the brain fight, Caedes sleeps through for the first time he can ever remember. Exhaustion, but free from the urge and the tadpole, he gives in to that deep sleep and wakes feeling rested for the first time in a very, very long time. Gale is there, of course; grateful, and kind, and still in love.

It's there that Gale proposes, of course, and Caedes says yes… before knowing there's something else he has to tell Gale. He takes Gale's hand, and tells him, softly, that Caedes is pretty sure that he's pregnant. Gale has to sit down to process this; bit of a whiplash. Caedes says they can take certain herbs, make sure it doesn't develop any further, babbles about the low likelihood of it surviving anyway. Gale silences them with a kiss; and says that it's good, and he's happy, and why not? Why not have a family?

(He later realises this means Caedes fought the elder brain whilst pregnant, and when he finds out that Caedes had an inkling when he fucking died at the Bhaal Temple, he's somewhat mad about that! But they figure it out.)

The initial plan is to elope. They've barely known each other a month, but caught up in the chaos and the love and the relief and that immense rush from surviving certain death and saving the world, they slip away to head to Waterdeep, with Gale sending a missive ahead that he's found a partner and they look to marry. This … is somewhat of a mistake, perhaps.

Gale's family is startled when he comes in with a dragonborn, especially one as terrifying and masc looking as Caedes, but they quickly warm to him and adopt him essentially. Unfortunately, the idea of a tiny ceremony is being pushed back and pushed back as more and more is added to it. They get engagement rings made in Waterdeep. Caedes feels endlessly guilty about the friends that have split up, about Astarion being left in the shadows on that dock, about… everything.

Gale quickly finds himself offered a position at Blackstaff Academy; something he'd always turned down before, now, he accepts. With the help of Tara and some staff, they get the tower cleaned up, and Caedes moves in… and at first, it's fantastic. So many magical books to read, access to a kitchen, Gale's family has a fair amount of money even with what he was forced to splurge on magical artefacts in the past to stabilise the orb; they have some of what they collected on their adventures but Astarion had been carrying the main coinpurse when they'd split up… Caedes doesn't begrudge him it.

The knock on effects are strong, though. The urge is gone, yes; his brain is free of illithid. But most nights Caedes wakes screaming. He insists on putting together a second bedroom. The nights where he's so terrified that he'll wake up and have hurt Gale, he sleeps in there, instead; vaguely aware of Tara lounging in the doorway. Things only get worse as the pregnancy progresses. They manage to find a dragonborn doula, and she rapidly becomes the only person he sees beyond Gale and Tara.

The time spent at Gale's tower starts to become distorted. He tries writing, and finds that there is no mind for it; quickly becomes bored of reading. For some time, he practiced magic, but being such a powerful sorcerer already, Caedes was aware that most of what he knew was destruction. The hum of a healing spell spiralled him into a vicious flashback, so he never touched that book again. Gale spent most of the day out of the building, of course, teaching; things were easier when he was home.

Gale was noticing, of course, that Caedes was quiet and distant. But he missed the worst of it - the way that his brain would just… check out, leaving the dragonborn sat in a chair for hours, staring blankly at the wall. Over time, the night terrors have gotten easier; the panic attacks slightly less intense. But the dissociation is still there. The suggestion of going back to battle, even the idea, would send Caedes into a spiral.

Unfortunately, Gale's way of helping was to… study. Try to throw himself into the books, reading up about dragonborn, and thinking that a lot of it was fear of the pregnancy. Because that was most definitely there - Caedes, some nights curled into Gale's side, whispering about his fears - that the urge would take over. That he'd destroy the egg whilst still inside him, or crush it when it was laid, or if it made it to hatching that he would go wild and kill the baby��� he was terrified. No matter the wards, or the promises, the fear remained.

The party helps a lot, weirdly. Caedes almost doesn't go until Gale persuades him to at least stay for a little while. The dissociation is bad - once everyone else is over the fact that Caedes was pregnant, could get pregnant, was essentially due, and had been so during their major fights - they start to notice just how checked out he is. That their strong, charismatic leader is just… barely present. He starts to liven up a little towards the end of the night, but when Withers mentions the fact they might be called on again, he has a panic attack so severe that Gale says their goodnights and ushers him back through the portal.

They stay up talking for most of the night, Caedes revealing just how bad his days have gotten. Gale promises to get help; there has to be someone in the city who will be able to pull Caedes out of it…

Unfortunately, that gets slightly put on hold - because two days after the party, Caedes goes into labour.

The doula is called in and they manage, at the tower, to lay two eggs; the doula's suspicions confirmed. The first is perfect - they come out fairly soft shelled, to help with the laying, but it hardens up quickly into that perfect sheen, pinky-blue across a pale cream. The second is smaller, clearly weaker, and the doula encourages them to not get too attached to either - just in case.

With Gale and her's assistance, they are fairly prepared; the eggs require a constant warmth and occasional turning or movement, so they've made a special crib/cradle thing near the bed with an enchantment on it. The doula encourages them to keep the eggs in the bed between them the first night; about the size of a newborn human infant, once their shells have hardened they're very tough, and the warmth from the parents means they're more likely to hatch.

Caedes refuses to stay in the same room as them and goes off to his spare room, leaving Gale worries and a little crushed. They do not come out of the warming crib for a few days; whilst Gale and Tara do their best to take care of Caedes as he recovers from the birth. Dragonborn thankfully tend to spring back quickly and recover fast. The anxiety, though, is worse now. Less checking out; more hovering cautiously, looking at the eggs, refusing to be alone with them when he spends time near them. Just in case.

He doesn't pick up on how exhausted Gale is, at first. Long nights in the study after long days at work. He purchases a double baby sling thing, a padded baby holder, and takes the eggs with him to the study on occasion, keeping them close to the warmth of his body whilst he works; because if Caedes isn't going to do it, then someone must. It takes a lot of persuasion; he finally finds someone to sit down and talk to Caedes about the trauma of what happened, but the first few people he talks to, Caedes drives away.

It's Halsin, in the end. They take a trip to go see him and how everything is coming back together in the once shadow-touched lands. Getting out of the tower helps; them carrying an egg each in the magically-supported baby slings. He speaks quietly to Caedes for hours, and whilst Gale would never have asked him to take that burden, it… clearly helps. They set up a regular letter exchange and make a point to visit regularly - which also helps with the fact Halsin is clearly so good with kids, and parenting advice.

It becomes clear that one of the eggs is not developing as well as the other. Gale had named both, despite Caedes trying to convince him not to. Then - Mirabeli hatched. Dragonborn babies are a bit different to human ones, and skip the milk phase entirely (idk if this lines up with dnd but fuck it I ball) and hatch with very soft scales and no subtleties, so she comes out entirely white and at this stage is they/them, because dragonborn pick their genders when they get older. Although of course a lot of folks just perceive dragonborn as female when they're young, so Mirabeli most likely gets she/her'd a lot even as a youngling. The first few days are not dissimilar to with the eggs, only this time they have a squalling baby who desperately wants both of their parents. The default is for a parent to chew up soft meat and then feed it to the baby like a bird, but Gale can't do that and Caedes is too scared to get close. The doula helps them with a recipe that can be blended, something usually used for orphan eggs.

It takes a few days, but Gale manages to convince Caedes to actually hold her. They love her so, so intensely it nearly blows Caedes away, the way he feels over this tiny, helpless thing that they made. After that point, and talking to Halsin regularly, he's a lot better than he was. But there are some days, especially when Mirabeli is able to talk and walk around, that Gale (daddy) has to keep her away from Caedes ; not because he's dangerous, but because he's slipped back to that hollow shell. When the panic attacks or the apathy or the other horrors take over his mind again.

It's not always that way around, of course - Gale suffered too. His nightmares run more down the path of the orb. But he knows how to be a person, he knows how to exist - Caedes has to learn how to be… someone. Not a monster, not a bhaalspawn, not the hero of Baldur's Gate, just… a person, a parent, a dragonborn.

[deuterosapiens]

R-O-A-S-T M-U-L-E-S

So, guess who's finally read Son of Rosemary, the sequel to Ira Levin's classic novel, Rosemary's Baby?

Guess who regrets reading Son of Rosemary?

You know what? I'm not going to dignify anything this novel has going for it. It's just straight-up unapologetically not good. I've known the rumors, of how legendarily bad the ending is, and you know what? Yeah.

I complained a lot about Delicate Condition and its tendency to fake-out interesting situations. I'll take that over this, because at least you knew that Danielle Valentine was trying. Ira Levin had the original novel under his belt, The Stepford Wives (yes, that was a book first), just so much and yet, he chose the weakest kind of ending the world has known: the fucking "it was all a dream"-ending.

With the possible exception of The Wizard of Oz, has anyone ever been satisfied with "oh yeah, all that stuff you went through, all these incredibly high stakes, this journey of growth and discovery, lol, never happened." I don't even really like it for The Wizard of Oz, but I'm at least aware of the producers' concerns that lead to that ending in the first place as a product of its time.

Starting out, I was kind of getting some exciting Omen III: Final Conflict vibes. Then the incest started.

I don't know why I was hoping that would perhaps build off into something, but nope. The book kind of keeps that as a weird running thread, with no real dramatic pay-off. They maintain a fair, mostly innocent relationship, only with that added feature of The Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is Called Dragon, Prince of This World, Father of Lies, Spawn of Satan, and Lord of Darkness wanting to have sex with his mother. They joke about it a few times. She almost indulges him while high.

So there's basically no actual horror to this Antichrist story. A couple of bodies, but nothing interesting is done with their deaths. There's very little interesting drama either.

Even the appearance of Satan himself at the end doesn't qualify as an interesting moment. How bad must the writing of a novel be that you fail to make the introduction of fucking SaTaN??? Interesting???

So, let's play a game. Nice little hypothetical. If you were to assume that the Devil were a character in this novel, and expected him to show up at some point in the end, perhaps as a twist or a reveal, who would it be?

Rosemary after waking up from a twenty-something year coma and discovering that her son, The Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is Called Dragon, Prince of This World, Father of Lies, Spawn of Satan, and Lord of Darkness, has become a political leader and human rights activist. She quickly finds herself attracted to his body-guard and the two make plans to get down and dirty on New Years.

Yeah, Satan is exactly who you expect him to be. Funnily enough, all of his dialog becomes indescribably more poorly written after the reveal.

I should have realized how bad this was going to become when I finished Chapter 17, turned the page, and saw this:

Dialog attribution from this point on also becomes almost incredible.

Once, I might have found funny. Ira Levin's style here, up to this point, has been a bit, shall we say, quirky. I count five instances of this, as if I've inexplicably not connected these dots, as if Monsieur Levin hasn't spelled out to me in black and white in crystal clear words that this character Joe is in fact, Satan.

I could excuse pregnancy-brain, that unfortunate cocktail of hormones and growing paranoia, for some of Rosemary's less intelligent decisions in the original novel. In this one, she seems hell-bent on accepting every single explanation she's offered for the weirdness going on around her, as if she left all of her common sense on the floor next to Baby Andy's bassinet.

My evidence: she goes to a church, asking God for guidance as she suspects Andy to be involved in Satanic practices, including the murder of his lover. A patron has a horrible seizure, which she runs away from, believing it to be an actual answer. By this point she's claiming to have visions, so this ominous fit comes off as a bit of an Omen, if you will.

She then decides, yepp, nope, no answers here. Coincidence, God's too busy see. I only bore the child of his Adversary. I literally gave birth to The Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is Called Dragon, Prince of This World, Father of Lies, Spawn of Satan, and Lord of Darkness, but why would that make me special enough to warrant the attention of Mr G-dash-D himself?

Actually, you know what, I take it back. The ending makes perfect sense. Because only in the context of a dream would I believe Rosemary as a character is capable of such truly baffling intelligence loss.

I'm sorry I sought this book out. Hollywood has two really good sequels that are worlds better than the one the author wrote. The Omen III, and The Devil's Advocate.

The former does a fantastic job of showing what Adrian could have been, and the latter's ending weirdly parallels this one's, but is executed in a far superior manner.

Yeah, I didn't like it.

I might have found Delicate Condition personally not to my taste, being derivative of Rosemary's Baby, but my God is it oh so much better than Son of Rosemary. I'm truly sorry, Delicate, you did not deserve my ire. My ranting dis-satisfaction. You are a beautifully more pleasant thing than this thing that dares to call itself a worthy sequel.

I am sorry.

[thekoshertribble]

“I'm not some simple shepherdess you can awe” Women of Star Trek #19 “Who Mourns for Adonais?” Lt. Carolyn Palamas

Oh boy, I am not looking forward to writing this one.

Before we begin: I don’t usually find myself identifying in any way with the characters I talk about on this blog, but this one is an exception. Carolyn Palamas’ story is one of the worst I’ll be discussing in this series. I think anyone who’s seen the episode, and knows what happens to her would agree with that, but for me it’s personal. I know how she felt. I’ll get to that later, but for now let’s talk about Carolyn.

(Before I go any further, I should caution you that I’ll be discussing some rather sensitive topics: abusive relationships, physical and psychological abuse, implied rape and unwanted pregnancy.)

If someone asked me “what role would you serve in Starfleet?” I would answer: A&A officer.

An oft forgotten role, the A&A officer is a starship’s science division expert on archeology and anthropology. He or she is well knowledged in not only the civilizations of earth, but those of other planets. Imagine studying the ruins of a lost civilization on another planet, or reading ancient texts from the mythology of an alien species! This is Carolyn Palamas’ job on the Enterprise, and why she was chosen for the landing party to Pollux Four. But first, we meet her on the bridge, presenting her findings about the planet to Kirk: “Here's the report on Pollux Five, Captain. This entire system has been almost the same. A strange lack of intelligent life on the planets. It bugs the percentages.” Kirk asked her to run the same analysis on Pollux Four, then McCoy remarks she looks tired. Palamas explains she was up “all night” working on the report. (I don’t understand why Palamas was given this job when it could have gone to Spock or one of the other astonomists in the science department. It bugs me.) Kirk and McCoy are impressed by her work effort, and Scotty steps up to offer her to have coffee with him, rather eagerly. She smiles and accepts his invitation, and the two exit the bridge together. Kirk and McCoy have already suspected, correctly, that Scotty is attracted to Palamas, a fact which worries McCoy:

MCCOY: I'm not sure I like that, Jim.

KIRK: Why, Bones? Scotty's a good man.

MCCOY: And he thinks he's the right man for her, but I'm not sure she thinks he's the right man. On the other hand, she's a woman. All woman. One day she'll find the right man and off she'll go, out of the service.

Okay, I’m going to go on a bit of a tangent here, but this conversation is worth discussing. Two things are clear: one, McCoy has analyzed both Scott and Palamas, and foresees the relationship will be one sided. (He seems to acknowledge, however, that he could be wrong.) Two, it’s immediately assumed that if Palamas were to marry, she would leave Starfleet. This was written in the 60s, when married women were expected to stay home, not work. So does that mean those same expectations are present in Starfleet? I say no. In “Balance of Terror” we saw two officers get married, and no mention was made of either of them leaving the service. So it doesn’t appear to be a regulation or cultural expectation that McCoy is referring to. Considering his knowledge of the crew, I think McCoy has heard from Palamas at some point that she planned to leave Starfleet if she were to marry, but she sees that as being unlikely to happen anytime soon. Kirk meanwhile, is more concerned about Scotty being preoccupied by a romantic interest rather than his job. And as we’ll soon see, he’s not actually wrong...

The Enterprise arrives at Pollux Four and is immediately captured by Apollo, who insists Kirk comes down to the planet with some of his men to rejoice and “remember together” their Ancient Greek heritage. Kirk naturally brings along Palamas, as well as McCoy, Scotty and Chekov. Apollo reveals his identity and tells his “children” that they must stay here and worship him as they did before. Kirk and Scotty warm him that they’ll resist any attempts to keep the Enterprise here forcefully, while Apollo claims the crew is his to cherish or destroy. In the middle of this back-and-forth threatening, Carolyn steps in, not with a warning but with a question: “But why? What you've said so far makes no sense at all.” Apollo’s face softens and he turns his attention from Kirk to Palamas. He approaches her, studying her. 

APOLLO: How like Aphrodite and Athena. The beauty, grace. And you seem wise for a woman. What is your name?

CAROLYN: Lieutenant Palamas.

APOLLO: I mean your name.

CAROLYN: Carolyn.

APOLLO: Carolyn. Yes. You are beautiful. You would do Aphrodite credit. I will tell you a thousand tales, stories of courage and love. You will know what it is to be a goddess.

Scott immediately protests to this, telling Apollo to back off. Apollo then blasts Scott’s phaser out of his hand and turns his attention back to Carolyn. He decides her Starfleet uniform doesn’t look good on her and changes them (Trelane-style) to a Grecian dress. Satisfied with this change, Apollo begins to lead her away from the others. Again, Scotty tries to save her, but gets thrown over the table. Kirk also appears to protest but Carolyn stops him, saying quietly: “It's all right, Captain. I'll go.” Apollo applauds her lack of fear, and disappears, taking Carolyn with him.

This scene tells us two very important things about Carolyn. First, as a scientist she has a curious mind that instinctually seeks answers. Apollo demands the Enterprise crew worships him? Carolyn wants to know why. Despite the threats Apollo makes, she is still wants to know how he, an ancient deity from a planet light-years away, ended up on an alien planet. She might have seen this as a career-changing mission. This is the kind of opportunity most of her fellow anthropologists and archeologists dream of. But it is not without cost, leading to the second item: Carolyn is not so brave or curious to not be aware of the danger she is in. She’s read Greek legends. She know what Apollo is and what he’s capable of. And she knows that women in Greek mythology rarely get happy endings. She has every right to be afraid, and she is. She is not “without fear” as Apollo wrongly observes. She goes with him for two reasons: one, so she can continue to observe him, and two, to prevent Apollo from hurting any other member of the landing party. That’s it. Yes, in the next scene Apollo asks her if she’s frightened of him and she says no, but how could she not be afraid? He nearly kills Kirk by Vader-style choking him, knocks out Scotty and threatens to crush the Enterprise like an egg! She knows could do the same to her, but she hypothesizes that his affection for her will shield her from his wrath. His “love” for her is the only thing that stops Apollo from killing Kirk with force lighting:

KIRK: We're tired of your phony fireworks!

APOLLO: Mortal, you have earned this!

(Apollo points his finger at Kirk’s chest)

CAROLYN: No, don't!

(Carolyn puts herself between Apollo and Kirk)

KIRK: Lieutenant!

CAROLYN: A father doesn't destroy his children. You said you were gentle and understanding.

KIRK: Lieutenant!

CAROLYN: How can they worship you if you hurt them?

KIRK: Lieutenant.

CAROLYN: Apollo, please. (taking his hand) You know so much of love. Please don't hurt them. Please.

APOLLO: I shall be lenient with you, for her sake.

In a sick kind of irony, Carolyn has become both incredibly powerful and vulnerable as Apollo’s newest object of lust. Apollo is extremely dangerous and quick to anger - his violent acts toward her crew mates tell Carolyn what will happen if she refuses him - so she is trapped with him. However, she knows he wants to please her. She becomes an intermediary between him and her crew, and in the scene above, she’s the only person that can stop Apollo from going on a deadly rampage. In the next scene Carolyn learns that is not just an object of affection for the Apollo, she is central to his plan to restore his godliness. He sees her as a lover and a means to an end.

Which leads us to the beginning of the finale. Apollo sends Carolyn back to the landing party alone, to speak with Kirk, to try once more to persuade him to stay. She appears to them with in an oddly relaxed state, smiling and speaking softly:

CAROLYN: He wants us to live in peace. He wants to provide for us. He'll give us everything we ever wanted, and he can do it, too.

KIRK: All right, Lieutenant, you can come down from Mount Olympus now. You've got work to do.

CAROLYN: I don't understand.

KIRK: He thrives on love, worship, attention.

CAROLYN: Yes?

KIRK: We can't give him that worship, none of us can. Especially you.

CAROLYN: What?

KIRK: Spurn him. Reject him. You must. You're special to him.

CAROLYN: Yes. I love him.

Let’s pause right here, shall we? Now some of you are probably thinking: hey koshertribble I’ve watched this episode x-many times and it seems like Carolyn was falling in love with Apollo. She kissed him in the last scene, remember? When she says she loves him, she’s telling the truth, right?

Wrong.

She doesn’t. Period.

So why would she lie? Because when you’re trapped in an abusive relationship, that’s what you do. You don’t want to lie, but you lie because it’s the safest thing to do. At this point Carolyn has gone into what I call “survival mode.” She doesn’t see a way to escape this planet and Apollo’s (literal) grasp. In this moment she has accepted her sitauation and is adapting, surviving, accordingly. She tells the landing party to do the same: try to accept their fate by looking at the “positives.” Kirk, meanwhile, is still trying to find a way out. He’s figured out that Carolyn has influence on Apollo’s actions; her rejection of him could be their salvation, but rejection is the last thing on her mind right now...

KIRK: Lieutenant. All our lives, here and on the ship, depend on you.

CAROLYN: No, not on me.

KIRK: On you, Lieutenant! Reject him, and we have a chance to save ourselves. Accept him, and you condemn all of us to slavery, nothing less than slavery. We might never get help this far out. Or perhaps the thought of spending an eternity bending knee and tending sheep appeals to you.

CAROLYN: Oh, but you don't understand. He's kind, and he wants the best for us. And he's so lonely. What you ask would break his heart. How can I?

Again, Carolyn doesn’t really believe what she says, nor is she trying to justify what Apollo is doing. She’s defending herself, not him. When she asks “how can I” she’s not asking “how could I hurt Apollo because I care about his feelings” she really means “ how can I get out of this impossible situation without getting killed?” At this point Kirk gives one of his trademark speeches to remind her who she is:

KIRK: Give me your hand. Your hand. (she does) Now feel that. Human flesh against human flesh. We're the same. We share the same history, the same heritage, the same lives. We're tied together beyond any untying. Man or woman, it makes no difference. We're human. We couldn't escape from each other even if we wanted to. That's how you do it, Lieutenant. By remembering who and what you are. A bit of flesh and blood afloat in a universe without end. The only thing that's truly yours is the rest of humanity. That's where our duty lies. Do you understand me?

CAROLYN: Yes. Yes, I understand. He's calling me.

KIRK: Lieutenant. You have your orders and your duty.

CAROLYN: Yes, sir. My orders and my duty.

To be honest I think that Kirk was under the impression that Carolyn actually loves Apollo. If he had read her words deep down, and seen the fear underneath, that Rousing Kirk Speech would have gone differently. But it get the job done. Carolyn returns to Apollo afraid but determined. And she does what Kirk tells her to do - remember who she is: Lt Carolyn Palamas, Enterprise A&A officer and scientist.

CAROLYN: I must say, Apollo, the way you ape human behaviour is remarkable, but there are some other things I must know. Your evolutionary patterns and your social development.

APOLLO: My what?

CAROLYN: I'm sure they're unique. I've never encountered a specimen like you before.

APOLLO: I am Apollo. I've chosen you.

CAROLYN: I'm sure that's very flattering, but I must get on with my work now.

APOLLO: Your work?

CAROLYN: I'm a scientist. My particular specialty is ancient civilisations, relics, and myths. Surely you know I've only been studying you.

APOLLO: I don't believe it. You love me.

CAROLYN: Love you? Be logical. I'm not some simple shepherdess you can awe. Why, I could no more love you than I could love a new species of bacteria.

(Carolyn turns to leave)

APOLLO: Carolyn! I forbid you to go. I order you to stay.

CAROLYN: Is that the secret of your power over women, the thunderbolts you throw?

Unfortunately, but predictably, Apollo has a full on meltdown, summoning a storm to chase Carolyn down through the woods. It’s hard to say exactly what happened in this scene - we see her knocked to the ground screaming as Apollo’s giant face appears in the sky getting closer and closer. When she appears in the final scene with Scotty her face is bruised and her dress is torn. The final cut of the episode doesn’t make clear what might have happened but since a final cut scene reveals that Palamas is pregnant, which suggests she was raped as well as beaten... I don’t want to think about it. Luckily she survives his assault, since Kirk orders the Enterprise to fire on the temple, weakening Apollo and forcing him to attack the Enterprise. Carolyn gets back to the landing party and the temple is destroyed. Apollo, devastated, turns to Carolyn once more: “Carolyn, I loved you. I would have made a goddess of you. I've shown you my open heart. See what you've done to me.” He then disappears, leaving Carolyn sobbing not tears of grief, but relief.

You may see this episode a different way, but this is the only way I see it now. Why? Because years ago, I was Carolyn. For ten months I was trapped in a relationship in which I was not a person, but an object to be paraded around as a “girlfriend.” Everyone thought we were happy together, and He thought we were happy together but I wasn’t. I was scared of him. No, he was never violent with me, but he had a short temper and did get into fist fights with some other friends. He claimed he was a “Hellenic polytheist,” worshiping Apollo as his patron god. He regarded me as his damsel in distress to rescue, like Andromeda was saved by Perseus. I was separated from my friends (I could only spend time with him), and I was afraid to refuse him anything. It took months to build up the courage to end it. And even then, he didn’t give up trying to get us back together. It was a nightmare, and seven years on, I’m still working through the after-effects.

So, final takeaways? Carolyn found herself trapped in an abusive relationship with a god. It doesn’t matter that Apollo loved her - he took possession of her, isolated her from her shipmates, threatened them (and her) with violence and assaulted her when she tried to free herself of him. She was only able to free herself (and her shipmates) from him through great risk to herself. She had to decide whether to live in fear or free herself at the risk of death. I hope you never find yourself having to make that decision in your life. But if you have been there, or are there now, please keep remembering who you are, and that there is a way out. I know that’s odd sounding advice, but when you’re in a relationship like this you forget you’re a shadow of yourself. I’ll stop here with the advice because I’m not a professional and my experiences may not be the same as yours, so I’m leaving these links below:

https://www.thehotline.org/2017/02/16/supporting-someone-returning-to-abusive-relationship/

https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/

So that’s all I really have to say for this episode. It was challenging for me to revisit this episode and the personal memories associated with it, but I hope you found it interesting. Thanks for reading.

Next Episode: “Mirror, Mirror”

[itwasjustmisplaced]

I'm still confused about what they are doing with Rebecca, is it bad writing or can you see a twist coming? And about the baby, her bump has varied or been non existent for months and now it remains massive. I thought she was supposed to give birth in December but now she looks like it could be any day now?? sigh.. this mess gives me a headache. Its like they gave up writing the storyline half way through

Okay, here is my advice with trying to understand the character, just don’t. It’s not worth it. Her personality and motives are changed daily to fit whatever plot point they need for others in that moment. It was kind of bad in the beginning but not as bad as it today. Can you literally tell me the last time Rebecca appeared onscreen and advanced her own story or had a scene that wasn’t about other people? It’s been since like June or something. She literally only appears in scenes for others’ benefits. She has no real story. She’s a walking plot device. They could be doing so much to create a character with this pregnancy but it really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things because the character will be gone in a few months. Why invest? 

The problem is the show never took the time to actually figure out what they wanted her character to be. They’ve changed her so much because they just like to use her to advance other people’s plots. You have to realize that a lot of the changes in her were written before she even aired. The show writes about 4/5 months in advance so everything from her introduction to January was already written before any input from the fans. The show didn’t try to soften her because of the fan backlash but they do it for the plot. They wanted her to be the victim of Chrissie’s at first and then they would redeem Chrissie through Rebecca. Then they vilified Robert through her but I’m not sure why at this point.

The biggest changes that have been made to the character are the minimization of her in this story and in the village. If there was some huge plan to keep her and make her the last standing White they would be doing more work. They would be having her making more friends and being apart of other plots. They wouldn’t have Robert shouting off how much he hates her and that baby. They wouldn’t be painting her as this huge albatross in the middle of Robron who are the endgame here. They literally wouldn’t have Aaron, Liv and even Robert acting this way to her. She’s just a plot point for Robert to get into Home Farm as is the baby. I’m just not sure what they do with them afterward that is if they were gonna be keeping them at all.

At this point, I have no idea when they are gonna have her give birth but I can’t see them sustaining a bump that big through December. There is no way. This whole plot is very tedious at the moment and I can’t seem them dragging it out much longer, but also with Moira’s birth coming up I’m just not sure how this all fits together. I would guess since Rebecca is a bigger part of the Robron story then the Whites she must disappear offscreen while they do and she’s not involved as much. I don’t know. It doesn’t fit. When the show did the two live births during the 40th Anniversary episode it made a lot of sense. We had the birth of a boy and a girl, plus the circumstances around their births were very different. Jack was conceived for Sarah and it was a huge plot point in the Killer Cameron saga, and well Molly was a much wanted and loved baby. With Moira and Rebecca basically having very similar stories and having them both have baby boys it feels odd for the show to do that unless something happens to one of them. 

I don’t know if the show gave up telling the story halfway through or they just realized when Rebecca was introduced a lot of points of this story just weren’t going to work and so they’ve made changes but couldn’t scrap it completely. To me, they never really committed to the pregnancy as a thing outside of plot to separate Robert and Aaron. Since the reveal, the baby has been the thing that would destroy them. It was always there. They made it clear. Maxine is usually pretty deliberate in her writing so that line was not a throwaway line, but it’s actually the most consistent part of this story. They don’t work as long as the baby is around. It keeps coming up and like I could have bought switching the narrative and making Aaron accept it if they hadn’t done the self-harm stuff. That’s where this loses the plot for me and I guess I would honestly expected the show to stop framing the baby and Rebecca as the /problem/. 

You can sell someone changing their mind or coming around in a soap, but there is a narrative way of telling the story. You have to more ambiguity. There really isn’t any at this point. Robert hates Rebecca and the baby and just wants Home Farm to fill the Aaron shaped void in his heart. Aaron hates Rebecca and the baby and doesn’t want anything to do with Robert as long as they are around. Liv is no fan of Rebecca and this baby as well, so at this point, we are close to her giving birth where are they gonna make the switch narratively? They should have done it months ago and I would argue should not have had statements like ‘I hate her and that baby’ and the same goes for Aaron. Again, you can do whatever you want in a soap but usually, these kinds of huge narrative switches don’t happen suddenly in stories. It’s years later or there is enough ambiguity to allow multiple outcomes. 

This is really long and very rambly (plus off topic), but I think the show is stuck at this point. I think they had general ideas of where this story was going and potential endings but realized very quickly that this was a bad choice. They not only got destroyed by fans but also by the press so now they are trying to make adjustments as best as possible. That’s probably what has led to a lot of frustration from Danny & Ryan as they don’t get the point, and probably why EH has struggled to play this part as she has no basis for her character. 

Basically, it’s a mess because the show doesn’t know what story it wants to be telling and it’s probably best to disengage with figuring out logic or reason till it’s over. Maybe then it will make sense but I’m not sure there can be a satistifying conclusion to this story. 

[theartofbeinganerd]

Fic request. Fitzsimmons, where Simmons tells fitz she's pregnant by doing something super cute. Then fast forward to a gender reveal kinda thing to the whole team. Thanks ❤️❤️ I'm in the mode for baby cuteness

Okay so honestly this morphed into a monster of a fic (seriously, I’m exhausted after writing this lmao), and because I couldn’t decide on which cute little pregnancy announcement was the most ~Jemma, this is where I ended up. So, have a fic where Fitz is oblivious and Jemma grows more and more done with each passing day. (I hope it’s still alright, anon!) Enjoy!

-

Hearing the sound of footsteps on the hardwood floor oftheir apartment, Jemma hastily closed her laptop and grabbed the two cups oftea she’d already prepared, curling up in the breakfast nook to wait. Her handswere shaking with barely-contained excitement, and she had to force her beaminggrin into a more acceptable smile of greeting as Fitz appeared in the doorwayto their little kitchen.

“’Morning,” he said distractedly, still doing up the buttonsof his shirt, jacket draped over his arm.

“Good morning,” she replied, tilting her head up to receive thequick kiss he gave her. “I made tea.”

Fitz accepted the plain white mug from her, taking animmediate sip and sighing in relief before he told her sincerely, “Thanks, Jem,you’re the best.”

“Just doing my wifely duties,” Jemma teased, absently toyingwith the rings on her left hand as she carefully watched him drinking the tea. “Andwell, I was up first – I know the drill.”

Fitz shot her an amused grin, taking another long drinkbefore setting the mug back down on the table of the breakfast nook,half-finished. “I’m really sorry, but I’ve got to get on over to the Playgroundto get started on those upgrades for Coulson. I’ll see you there later?”

A bit frantically, Jemma held out the half-empty mug to Fitzand asked, “Don’t you want to finish your tea first?”

“Don’t have the time,” Fitz admitted apologetically, shruggingon his jacket and bending over to drop a kiss on her forehead. “See you later,Jemma. Love you.”

Sighing, Jemma sank a bit in her seat, watching his back ashe hurried out of the kitchen and grabbed the backpack of tools and supplies healways left by their front door. “I love you too,” she called half-heartedly,and she forced a smile as Fitz waved over his shoulder before disappearing outthe door.

For a long moment, she simply sat there, dejectedly staringat the mugs left on the table, then with a heavy sigh, she stood and picked upthe one she’d chosen special for Fitz. She drained the rest of the tea into thesink, making the message engraved on the very bottom of the inside visible – “you’re going to be a dad!”

Leaning one elbow heavily on the counter, Jemma stared sadlyat the cute little mug she’d ordered especially for this exact occasion, andthought back to the website she’d found it on. Of all the suggestions and ideasshe’d come across in her research, none of them had mentioned what to do if thefather-to-be didn’t actually see themessage.

She allowed herself another moment to lament the perfectmoment she’d spent days (a week and ahalf, to be exact, when she’d gotten the results from her blood test that she’dalready been expecting after a missing period and random bouts of nausea)imagining, before she straightened up with renewed purpose.

There was always tomorrow, after all.

-

A week.

Jemma had used the same damn mug for a week, and Fitz had yet to notice that there was something written inside of it. Every morning heseemed to be either running late and therefore in a hurry, or already had hishead in thoughts of the work he needed to do once he got to the Playground anddidn’t seem to notice anything amiss. Either way, he was still entirely unawareof her pregnancy, and this was notgoing how Jemma had planned at all.

But, Jemma Fitzsimmons was anything but a quitter, and shewas going to announce her pregnancyto her husband so adorably that it would be a story they’d tell for years, nomatter what it took.

With that in mind, Jemma abandoned the idea of the mug andstepped it up a bit, leaving the Playground early to make a special purchasewhile Fitz was out on a quick mission with Daisy and Mack.

By the time he came home that night, she was waiting intheir bedroom, wearing one of his button-up shirts and draped across their bed.There was a seductive little smile playing on her lips…

Until Fitz came shuffling into the room, nearly dead on hisfeet and covered in dozens of little cuts and bruises.

Immediately, Jemma sat up in concern, momentarily forgettingabout her plans. “Fitz! Are you alright? What happened?”

At first, her only response was a low groan as he fell face firstonto the mattress, still fully clothed, though he sluggishly kicked his shoesoff to land on the floor at the end of the bed. Then, he turned his head, facestill half-buried in the blankets, to mutter, “What d’you think? I swear,Coulson needs to stop using the words ‘quick’ and ‘easy’ to describe ops.”

“But you’re alright?” she pressed, needing to reassureherself by hearing the words.

Fitz gave her a small smile, nodding as best he could withmost of his face pressed into the mattress. “M’fine. Just a bit sore.”

Jemma let out a quiet breath of relief, and it was onlymoments before a sly grin was tugging at her lips as she tried to get the nightback on track. “I can help with that, if you’d like.”

Fitz’s brow furrowed as he squinted in confusion at her, buthe seemed to get it pretty quickly after that, and much to Jemma’sdisappointment, he winced apologetically. “Not that I’m not interested, but I’mnot sure I could even move right now.I think I just need some sleep; rain check, though?”

Blinking back tears of frustration, Jemma smiled much moregenuinely than she felt and nodded quickly. “Of course! You get some sleep,Fitz. I’m just…” She trailed off, scrambling off of the bed and hurriedly leavingthe room without a further explanation.

Once she was safely ensconced in the bathroom, Jemmaunbuttoned the shirt and tossed it into the hamper, turning sharply to avoidthe image in the mirror of her bare stomach, the word “surprise!” painted on her stomach with multiple arrows pointingdirectly to her uterus and where their baby was currently growing.

As she began scrubbing off the paint and fought against thedisappointment surging through her, Jemma realized that perhaps she was goingabout this wrong; if it was work keeping him busy and distracted, then she’djust have to work with that.

-

A couple of days later, Jemma was at her station in the lab,watching out of the corner of her eye for Fitz to return and find what she’dleft on his desk the moment he’d been called away to Coulson’s office. She was sure that this would be the one; afterall, what else could he possibly think was going on?

However, her attention shifted when Agent Crawford droppedoff some new samples that needed to be tested as soon as possible. Shecompleted the analysis relatively quickly, and had the results ready to gowithin twenty minutes – enough time, apparently for Fitz to have returnedwithout her notice.

He was hunched over his desk, eyes narrowed and tonguesticking out the side of his mouth, the very image of intense concentration onher husband – and the present she’d left on the desk was now missing.

Trying to keep her rapidly increasing heartbeat undercontrol, Jemma hurried across the space between their desks and came to a stopbeside him. She didn’t even have to announce her presence before Fitz greetedabsently over his shoulder, “Hey, check this out, I think I’ve finally got thatEMP disrupter for Coulson’s hand stabilized.”

Jemma barely glanced at the bit of machinery in his handsbefore replying, “That’s fantastic, Fitz. Have you –”

“Applied it to the new model yet? No, I was just about to,actually,” Fitz cut in to (incorrectly) answer her unfinished question. Hecarefully set the tech and his tools down on the desk, finally turning to hercompletely. “Y’know, the strangest thing just happened – someone left a wholebunch of books on babies on my desk.”He chuckled, shaking his head. “I can see someonehere’s going to be doing some expanding soon – in more ways than one.” When heelbowed her playfully at the joke, she laughed weakly. “They must’ve put themdown on my desk for a moment and then forgot about it, but I dropped ‘em off inthe common room where they’ll hopefully find them.”

“Hopefully,” Jemma repeated tightly, already crossing today’sventure off of her mental list.

-

After a long day of working with Fitz on repairing Daisy’sdamaged gauntlets then doing a grueling analysis on the rather destructivepowers of the (potential) Inhuman that had caused said damage – and of course,being pregnant, which was utterly exhausting in and of itself – Jemma wasabsolutely drained by the time she returned to their apartment that night. Fitzwas still held up finishing at the Playground, and normally she’d wait up forhim, but that was off the table for tonight; she loved Fitz more than anything(well…almost anything), but some things were just more important.

However, even though she was already half-asleep, Jemma wasnot going to waste a single opportunity to get through the thick skull of herhusband (even if this attempt wasn’t the most well thought out of her plans),so before she allowed her head to hit the pillow, she left him a littlesomething on his.

When she woke up the next morning, it was to the sight of asleepy Fitz smiling down at where she was curled up on his chest. Suddenlyremembering the surprise she’d left him, Jemma felt her heart leap with hope asshe said searchingly, “Good morning…”

“’Morning.” One of his hands came up to brush away a waywardstrand of hair from her cheek. Abruptly, he made a face at her. “Hey, y’know, Idon’t mind you reading your gross biology books in bed, but try to keep ‘em onyour side, will you? I really don’t need to be having nightmares of cat livers,or any other organs for that matter.”

Jemma’s incredulous gaze darted to the side table next toher end of the bed, and sure enough, the biology text she’d left open on hispillow to the section about egg fertilization was now closed and resting thereinstead.

Seriously?!

Letting out a groan of annoyance, she abruptly rolled awayfrom a confused Fitz and climbed out of bed to go empty her bladder –Fitz maystill not have a clue that she was pregnant, but she didn’t have the same luxury.

-

The following Sunday was Father’s Day, traditionally not oneof Fitz’s favorite days of the year, which was why Jemma was so sure that usingit to her advantage was the perfect way to turn a bad memory into a good one(and finally share the news that shewas so desperate to give him – this hadto be the one that would get through to him, she was sure of it).

They’d just finished breakfast, and as Jemma was carryingtheir dirty dishes to the sink, she called over her shoulder to Fitz, “Oh, Iforgot to check the mail yesterday. Could you…?”

“Sure thing,” Fitz replied easily, stepping briefly out oftheir apartment and returning a few minutes later, flicking through their mail.

With bated breath, Jemma watched, pressing her lips togetherto hide her smile when he paused on a particular piece.

“What the…?” Fitz frowned, absently tossing the rest of themail onto the end table next to the couch as he focused on the one in his hand.It was a card, “Happy Father’s Day!”printed in bright bold letters on the front. He flipped it over to glance atthe plain back, but found no name or writing of any kind. “That’s strange…” Heheld up the card to display for Jemma. “Must’ve been put in the wrong mailbox.S’too bad – if there was a name or something, I could pass it along to whoever itwas meant for.”

And with a small shrug, Fitz then unceremoniously tossed thecard in the nearest bin.

The spoon Jemma had been holding clattered noisily into thesink, clearly startling Fitz, but she was too caught up in complete and utter disbelief to care. Taking a few deepbreaths to calm herself, she decided that enough was enough and the time wassubtlety was over.

By tomorrow night, Fitz was going to know about her pregnancy, even if she had to make up abanner that said ‘I’m pregnant you fool!’and hang it above their front door.

-

The next night, Jemma was curled up in their bed, tablet inhand to try and look preoccupied as she waited impatiently for Fitz to join herand happen upon the final clue she was going to give him before she justsnapped and told him plainly that she was pregnant and seriously worried abouthis intellectual status as a genius.

It was another few minutes before Fitz entered the room, andthey shared a tired smile as he climbed into bed beside her. Predictably, hefluffed his pillow to get it more comfortable, then laid his head down…

“What the…hell?”Frowning, Fitz sat up a bit, leaning his weight on his elbow and reaching underthe pillow. When his hand came back, it was curled around a handful ofpregnancy tests, all positive. “Uh…” Nearly dropping the tests in his haste,Fitz sat up fully and turned to gape at Jemma.

Arching an eyebrow, Jemma nodded to the tests and saiddryly, “You better put those back under there – I’ve heard if you leave apositive pregnancy test under your pillow, a stork will bring you a baby innine months.”

Fitz blinked a couple of times, seeming about to speakseveral times but no words came. Finally, the first thing out of his mouth was,“Did you really just say ‘stork’?”

Not missing a beat, Jemma replied, “Oh, I absolutely did. Ifigured if you were so ridiculously oblivious that you hadn’t noticed what I’vebeen trying to tell you for weeksnow, then you must be oblivious enough that you don’t know where babies comefrom.”

“Of course I –”Fitz’s thunderstruck expression melted into one of confusion. “Wait, weeks? When did you…?” Then, his eyesgrew wide and he groaned. “Oh bloody hell,the baby books and…and the card and…shit, the bloody biology textbook. Itnever even occurred to me…”

“Clearly.” Rolling her eyes fondly, Jemma couldn’t help butadd, “And you forgot the calendar in the kitchen – I circled my due date in redright after I found out.”

“That’s what thatmeant.” Fitz covered his face with a hand and groaned again. “I thought Iforgot something important somehow, but I reckoned I had nine months to figureit out…” Dropping his hand back into his lap, he winced and muttered, “Okay, Iguess I am pretty oblivious.”

A smile beginning to tug at her lips, Jemma set her tabletaside and patted Fitz’s arm. “It’s alright, I’ll still have your baby anyway.”

Fitz went silent, gaze dropping back to the pregnancy testshe still held, then moving to zero in on her stomach. “Baby,” he repeated, the idea of what this all meant finally seemingto hit him. “Holy…” The tests fell to the blankets, forgotten, as Fitz pulledJemma into the circle of his arms. “We’re having a baby. A baby…” He couldn’tseem to stop himself from repeating the word over and over, amazement coloringhis voice.

Jemma buried her beaming smile into the space between hisneck and shoulder. “Yes, we are,” she murmured into his skin. “You have no ideahow hard it’s been waiting to tell you.” Her body beginning to shake withbarely-contained laughter, she admitted, “I wanted to have a cute story to telleveryone about how you found out, but I almost think this is better.”

Letting out a low moan of despair, Fitz asked, “You’re goingto tell everyone we know, aren’t you? Daisy’s never gonna let me live this down.”

In response, Jemma simply pulled back slightly so that hecould see her mischievous smirk.

-

A few months later, when Jemma’s stomach had swollen into arapidly growing little baby bump, they’d gathered their friends in the lab onceeveryone else had left for the day. The very same websites that had suggestedthe unique pregnancy announcements Jemma had attempted to use on Fitz had alsomentioned the idea of gender reveal parties, and something about the idea hadstood out to her. Perhaps the biggest part of her decision to go through withit though, was that they seemed to have so few things to celebrate whileworking with SHIELD, and making a bigger deal out of those few things usually wenta ways in making up for that.

But, of course, just because Jemma was taking tips fromparenting sites didn’t mean they couldn’t make the idea their own.

As she slipped a pair of safety goggles over her head, Jemmaasked May, “Are you ready?”

May, who had agreed to hold the information of their baby’sgender until today, nodded and held up the two covered beakers Jemma hadprepared earlier that day. There were two sets of them, one that contained thechemicals necessary to create a blue solution, and the other pink. She’dpointed out which was which to May, and then left the rest up to her.

“Now Fitz, in case you don’t understand, pink means a girl and blue means a boy,” Daisy explained slowly through thehuge grin on her face. The story of Fitz’s unbelievable obliviousness hadbecome something of an ongoing joke around the Playground, particularly withtheir team; Daisy especially seemed keen to never let him forget it, just asFitz had predicted.

“Ha-ha,” Fitzmuttered, throwing a scowl in Daisy’s direction, to which she responded bysticking out her tongue.

“It is a bit archaic,” Jemma admitted, accepting one of the beakersfrom May with a grateful smile, “but it is a good way to get the word out toour friends and family. And I’ll admit, I do enjoy the surprise element of itall – it’s exciting.”

As Fitz slipped his own goggles over his head and received thesecond beaker from May, he double-checked with Daisy, “You’re ready to film,right? We’ll never hear the end of it from our families if this isn’tdocumented for them to witness as well.”

“Ready!” Daisy confirmed, giving him a thumb’s up with onehand, the other holding up her phone.

“Okay,” Jemma started, turning to Fitz with a breathlesslyexcited smile, “on three?”

He nodded in agreement, and they began to count downtogether, “One, two, three…”

And on three, they both emptied the contents of theirbeakers into the third waiting on the lab bench in front of them. The reactionbegan instantly, and within moments, the beaker contained a brilliant pinksolution.

Blinking back tears, Jemma shared a watery grin with Fitz asthe lab filled with calls of congratulations from the others (and a cry of “Babydresses here I come!” from Daisy). She wrapped her arms around him in a fiercehug, burying her face in his shoulder (well, as best she could while stillwearing her goggles).

“Don’t need to tell me that one twice,” Fitz teased quietly,bringing one of his hands around to press against her rounded stomach, whichthey now knew housed their daughter.

Jemma let out a teary laugh, shaking her head as she pulledback to meet his eyes, practically glowing with happiness. Finally tugging hergoggles off and carefully pushing Fitz’s onto the top of his head, she leanedup to kiss him, both of them smiling into it. “What a relief,” she murmuredagainst his lips.