#I'm only a burden and thats all im ever going to be and no one can convice me otherwise

[oldladyhabits]

Would you still like me if I got worse

[ball33rina]

Fluff for jim (tds) pllleeeaaaassseeee 🙏🏾🥺

YOU KNOW IM SUCH A FOOL FOR YOU.

─── JIM x f! reader fluff

"No, I, um, I came to pick up my two children."

Jim shifted his weight to his left leg while his hands hid in his blue jacket. He didn't look too young, but he wasn't old either—middle of the road, let's say. However, his eyes were as beautiful as the ocean.

This afternoon you decided to pick up your nephew from school, since your older sister and husband had gone on a trip and left you in charge of their son.

Your conversation with him started when he just approached you to make small talk like any parent does when waiting for his kids outside of school, but somehow, he got curious in you, and let's face it, he's very sexy.

"So...your nephew"

he asked again to which you nodded.

"Yes, I think he had mentioned it to me or pointed it out to you at some point, because he says he goes to the same classroom as one of your children."

You said smiling, as friendly as ever.

"Well yeah, sure, probably sioned— ah yeah, her...if they're the same age."

Jim said tilting his head and turning to look at you again, god, stop him from doing that.

And to top it all off, he had a wedding ring on his finger. I mean, it's pretty obvious, right?

"Yes, my nephew is 11 years old...or I think 12, I'm not sure."

You said, letting out a laugh. How could you have forgotten that detail? Jim just raised his eyebrows with a smile on his lips and said,

"Nah, don't worry. Even I...as the father of those two children, I forget their age!"

He buffed.

"What kind of father am i, right?" he looked at you again.

You didn't know if there was sexual tension or just genuine, genuine attraction, because you knew the way he was looking at you was more like he was really yearning that conversation, no matter how vague.

For a few moments, both remained silent as the minutes passed and the bell to dismiss the class had still not rung.

"Married...or..."

He suddenly asked, hiding his nervousness with a cough.

"No, ha! no. Im not. Do i look already married?"

You didn't hesitate to ask laughing, I mean, why ask that question to someone who firmly didn't hold a ring on their finger.

"Of course not. You're just— too young."

He said, biting his lip as he looked away again. It wasn't until he asked again.

"Well, I don't usually have many friends, and the ones I do have are more my wife's friends than mine."

he sighed, you just raised your eyebrows not knowing what did he said that.

"What I'm getting at is, well...we could be friends if that doesn't bother you, and if your nephew and my daughter are friends then it's a great idea to take them...out to eat or to the park."

he mumbled.

"I'm almost always at home or else...here."

He said scratching his eyebrow and looked at you waiting for an answer, it seemed like a typical conversation you would have with a guy your age who tries to ask you out.

"Yeah, sure, yeah." You nodded and he raised his eyebrows again and smiling, he said.

"Now thats great."

.....

The months went by like this, you and him taking your nephew and his children to the park. You even had to take on the responsibility of babysitting your nephew in the afternoons, which your sister only let you do! Less of a burden for her.

It wasn't just that one day, you and Jim were laughing about something stupid while your nephew was playing with his son on the swings and Sioned was throwing dirt at them.

"You're really amazing. You make me laugh a lot, it must be your youthful spirit,"

he said, laughing after a bad joke you told, placing his hand near your leg.

"It wasn't even funny!" you said laughing at him, when you turned to look at him he was already looking at you, and he even smiled at you...shit.

And you finally let go, you decided to say something to him.

"You're cute."

Wasn't there something worse to say?

His response was to blush and look straight ahead at the children, swallowing hard he said.

"Yeah, sure, an old man like me...cute."

Jim said something unsure, perhaps? As if no one had ever said that to him.

"i mean it."

You said.

Jim turned his head to look you in the eyes again, and simply without any further talk...he pecked you on the lips, taking advantage of the fact that no one was looking.

When he pulled away, you were shocked, staring at him. You felt guilty. What about his wife? What if she found out? But Jim, as always, calmed you down with his words, and he did.

"She doesn't even pay attention to me, hell, I'd even say she doesn't love me anymore."

When Jim said that, whether it was more to make you feel sorry or not, you gave him another kiss on the lips, catching him off guard. He opened his eyes completely... but soon he reciprocated the kiss by closing his eyes and taking the back of your neck with both hands, depending on the kiss.

[kholnt]

I just wanted to say how much I looooooovvveeee your Lost Link fic! I love the idea of what would happen if Wild remembered his past. I wanted to know how you think his knight training went? I definitely think that it was a terrible experience that gave him a whole wagon full of horrible coping mechanisms and bad habits(and from where the fic is going, I'm guessing you think similarly), but I wanted to know how you thought his training went. Anyway, just wanted to say how much I appreciate and love your work, Thank You!

WAAAH THANK YOU FOR YOUR KIND WORDS!!! (but give all of the writing credit to @/eponatheestallion <33 cannot emphasize that enough) BUT! you basically got it in one! his knight training was NOT kind to him in the slightest. i mean, even with the canon material we HAVE it still doesn't particularly spell a good time. (staring at mipha, zelda and purah's diaries respectively. and creating a champion. and possibly aoc but thats a different timeline + i barely know anything abt it so its there In Spirit) i will warn you that this ones gonna be long bc botw diaries TEND TO BE YAP SESSIONS! AND im a yapper so i'll just give you the tldr:

lost's knight training was abhorrent for his mental health and plays into a LOT of his mannerisms and why he is the way he is

ANYWAY! i'll just talk abt things that have been established either in the au or in botw canon :) any blanks you can fill on your own

as for canon things heres some things that stood out to me (formatted to be paragraphs for my sanity):

"A youth named Link was brought to me a hundred years ago, covered in wounds and on death's doorstep. Link… So young, yet so courageous. He was the youngest knight to have ever been appointed to the Imperial Guard at Hyrule Castle. He was also a gifted swordsman who was selected as captain of Princess Zelda's personal guard. I thought his skills would be enough to defeat Ganon in glorious fashion…

It was the best we could do…" -Purah's Diary

~~~~~

"When I finally got around to asking why he's so quiet all the time, I could tell it was difficult for him to say. But he did. With so much at stake, and so many eyes upon him, he feels it necessary to stay strong and to silently bear any burden.

A feeling I know all too well… For him, it has caused him to stop outwardly expressing his thoughts and feelings. I always believed him to be simply a gifted person who had never faced a day of hardship. How wrong I was… Everyone has struggles that go unseen by the world… I was so absorbed with my own problems, I failed to see his." -Zelda's Diary ~~~~~

"At the request of Hyrule's king, a group of outsiders came to greet us at the domain. One of them was a Hylian child of only about four years of age. His name was Link. He made quite a first impression. He was curious and full of energy, with a ready smile. Are all Hylian children that way?

One thing that surely sets him apart is his swordsmanship, which I hear is exceptional. He has even bested adults. He must be somewhat reckless, however, as he was covered in bruises. Wishing to be helpful, I healed his wounds for him." ~~~~~

"Link came to visit the domain. It feels like forever since he was here last. He no longer resembles the child I first met. He is now an accomplished knight and keeper of the sword that seals the darkness. I am so proud. However… He hardly speaks anymore, and smiles even more rarely. He is still the kind soul I knew, but something has changed.

I asked him if something had happened, if something was wrong. He merely shook his head. Perhaps it is his newly acquired height, but I feel he is ever looking past me, into the distance beyond…" -Mipha's Diary

~~~~~ "The details of how Link obtained the sword a hundred years ago have been lost to the mists of time, but since he was in possession of it for a number of years prior to becoming a Champion, he was likely around twelve or thirteen years old when it happened."

~~~~~

"After the Champions for the Divine Beasts were chosen, there was an incident at Hyrule Castle. A Guardian went berserk during a test run. Link deftly defeated it, earning himself a great deal of recognition. Impressed, King Rhoam made him Princess Zelda's appointed knight. With no regard for his own personal safety, he loyally fulfilled his duty to guard Princess Zelda with his life." -Creating a Champion

(there will be another thing later but its separated for a Reason.) ANYWAY! these are like. BIG things in canonical material that I feel like are important, especially if they're highlighted. i'm not really going to elaborate much since its kind of spelled out already but i'll say a few things nonetheless (also for consistencies sake i'm going to say lost but do know this ALSO applies to wild) he was the youngest knight appointed in history. like even that alone is FUCKED??? i don't remember if it was something in canon, fanon or something kay n i made up (but it doesnt rlly matter since its canon to the lost hero au ANYWAY!) but he became a knight at TWELVE soon after pulling the sword. then proceeded to become a royal guard at 17. this is a kid surrounded by adults in a generally Unsafe Environment, that alone is enough for some level of fucked. ill explain the "hes been training since he was four" later since i have Thoughts about that, but on a unrelated note do notice that mipha makes the assumption that lost is reckless and not through actually seeing him being clumsy. hyrulean guard when i get you now, to me the vow of silence was something that stemmed from before the calamity and started up in his training. because thats a twelve year old being forced to be a hero when he never got the choice to. OBVIOUSLY hes going to shut down. again, this will be expanded upon later also. lost is canonically self sacrificial. VERY self sacrificial. no further comments, just saying OKAY. NOW ITS LATER BC ITS TIME TO YAP ABT THE "inspired by canon but like. its canon plus." canon is bent in specific ways bc the way link is characterized (in cac specifically) makes him very uh,,,, inhuman i suppose. i love looking at scenarios where decisions have consequences, and it's that specific reason why i enjoy "what if" aus so much.

yes, lost was still trained when he was four. no it was not formally. to me, lost had an interest in swordsmanship because his dads a knight! hes going to be exposed to at least a little bit at an early age. he was insistent on wanting to learn, so with the power of sticks, pot lids, and a lot of positive reinforcement, he learned how to do the movements of swordfighting. he'd never been given a proper sword until the guard brought him to zora's domain. lost's dad never wanted to force the position of hero onto him, so he never gave him a sword. everyone knows that he's the hero except him, and lost's dad would rather keep it that way until he's old enough to climb mount lanayru (it happens much earlier than that) now abt the fucking "According to tales told by the long-lived Zora, Link visited Zora's Domain when he was younger and formed a bond with them, defeating a Lynel and teaching various skills to Zora children. This story sheds light on both his physical abilities and his strength of character." from creating a champion just like. isn't canon in this. the only other recorded time lost fought a lynel in zoras domain was when he was already zelda's guard and he was not younger. so by proxy it must've been when he was four WHICH ISN'T HAPPENING SORRY GUYS!!!! i'm not having a four year old fight a lynel hero or not!!!! it's referenced in lost hero canon (the soldiers accompanied made jokes and tried to egg lost on but it got shut down real quick since a. his dad was there and b. literally anyone who have thinking caps would go "yeah um... no actually!") and now its fanon time :))) when lost was in the army, he was usually trained separately from the other knights, mostly because of skill difference. as a CHILD he was able to clear soldiers, he needed different training period. as for the actual formal training, it was extremely strict. terrible conditions stemmed from an awful reward "system" (that usually led to lost being extremely fatigued and starting an endless loop of punishment. there is a reason why lost can push through awful conditions: hes used to it) all blanketed with the justification of "he's the hero of hyrule." they trained him to be a weapon, not a person. he doesn't have a sense of self nor an identity outside of "hero" "champion" or "weapon." things like "brother" got stripped from him when he joined the academy. they didn't bother with setting up a future for him. he eventually figures his shit out but thats YEARS down the line, and even then he's still suffering from this,,,, self objectification? idk how else to describe it when he wasn't getting grilled for "not swinging his sword hard enough" or having his foot a centimeter off even though he hasnt had the privilege of Basic Necessities To Survive in (insert timeframe) he was usually doing something in the coliseum. as it turns out, having the hero show off in front of an audience by fighting a lynel (or multiple) is a GREAT money maker! shame he wasnt usually told beforehand!

being forced into heroism is a big reason as to why hes the silent knight. he never wanted this. being separated from his family (whom of which i have Many thoughts about. same for his childhood honestly) and surrounded by strangers who have no care for who he is but rather what he stands for was absolutely awful, and only made worse by his age. being silent and just dealing with it is how he coped, and its eventually going to boil over (just give it a few years) his knight training was one of THE worst things to happen to him, right under failing to save his kingdom and inadvertently being the cause of hyrule's demise. it's the reason why he acts the way he does. he wasn't allowed to forget, so instead it influences almost everything he does, says and thinks. SO YEAH IT WASNT A GOOD TIME

[natasha-in-space]

I got a yoosung angst prompt cuz its fun to put the most sunshine guy through the worst traumas

How do you think his relationship will mc be post Bad Ending 3. Yeah its the ending where Unknown kidnaps and tortures him. Lets assume that he eventually got rescued and nearly died in the process (cuz Unknown badly hurt him in a fit of rage) but he survives....he lives

But whats gonna be after that how the whole ordeal is gonna affect his relationship with his S/O because it is going to be tough for both the parties. Ofc yoosung who was directly affected by the ordeal will need alot of therapy, and love and support. But it was quite tough for mc too.... if anything yoosung route does, it shows us the fact that losing a loved one is traumatic, nearly losing one too as well and MC also was traumatised and is guilt ridden (maybe i should have tried harder to stop him had i knew this would happen is a constant thought in her head) she also becomes somewhat protective of him because he has been through enough and deserves to get the best of the world.....but while mc is well intentioned in her actions....it somehow stings Yoosung, he is the one who should be protecting her, he should be the proactive one in the relationship....thats what he thinks. It makes him feel small....besides he can also see her running herself thin for him....and he just wants to not be a burden to her...

I rambled alot im sorry but i wanna see your take. As always i just wanna let you know I love your writing

Well, the unfortunate thing that I just can't help but bring up is that... Bad Ending 3 happens due to the player's (MC's) actions. That's not how it works in real life, of course, but with the structure of MM's storyline, that's how it plays out, and that's how it's meant to be interpreted by the player. In that ending, MC prioritizes themselves first, and encourages Yoosung self-sacrificial tendencies for their own benefit (or, well, safety, to be more exact). MC's actions are what led Yoosung to sacrifice himself in that ending in the first place. And that's also the reason behind his seeming resolve with what Unknown is putting him through in the aftermath.

'It's okay. I'm protecting them. They wanted me to keep them safe. So they wouldn't be scared. I need to stay strong for them. I'm doing this for them. Because I love them. Because I don't want to be in the dark and not do anything like it happened with Rika.'

So both sides of the argument are dealing with a messy tangle of emotions to deal with. And if you do want to imagine a better resolution to all of this, it'll probably involve a lot of conversations between the two.

Your dynamic between each other is unbalanced in that particular ending. And that's something that needs to be fixed. MC should take more care of Yoosung's well-being first before their own and believe in him, while Yoosung needs to work on his anxious attachment style.

It is difficult, though, because Yoosung's worst traits got the best of him as a direct result of MC's actions. The situation is pretty similar to those who want to imagine a better solution to Jumin's 2 Bad Ending. While it's possible, it needs to be acknowledged that MC is the one who needs to put most of the work in.

In my opinion, what would their relationship be like? Well, if we assume that MC does feel guilty for everything that happened, that's a lot of emotional baggage to deal with. Yoosung got hurt. Bad. Both physically and mentally. And he'll probably dismiss it too. It's important to remember that in this particular ending, he's devoted to you to an unhealthy extent. Not the same as in his 1 Bad Ending, but in a very self-sacrificial way. He'll probably just smile at you and say that he's happy you're safe. That that was the only thing he ever wanted. And that he held out for so long because he remembered what you told him, and how scared you were.

So... it's a pretty heavy situation for MC to be in. It's one thing to have your loved one disregard their well-being for you, but it's completely different when it's the direct consequence of your own actions.

Many apologies need to be made. Even if Yoosung doesn't understand why you're apologizing to him. Lots of talks to be had. And lots of very slow and steady progress to be made.

It's possible to come up with a better resolution to this mess. But it'll require a lot of work and patience from both MC and Yoosung. It does make a very interesting story to think about, though!

[dear-diary-mood-apathetic]

brb im fucking bawling

life story/rambling under cut

I've been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting lately. A lot of revisiting things Id have been much happier to leave in the past.

I always hated hearing how one day it would get better. Because I knew that it wouldnt be that easy. I knew I wouldnt just wake up one day and feel fine. And I think more than anything, I was scared that being okay meant losing the most integral part of my child/teen self: my rage.

I was an emotional kid growing up. I'd cry at everything and anything and all I ever wanted was for everyone to be happy. It was a burden I undertook personally at far too young of an age. Be it the eggshells I took my first steps on or the guilt I'd never let go of simply for the inconvenience of being born a baby. I saw things a child shouldnt have to see and handled emotions and situations far too grown up for a second grader. When I started to understand this, thats when I started to get angry.

I knew that the way I was treated wasnt okay, and by the time I would turn ten I'd gotten violent. I escaped into the comfort of horror media and would often find myself locked away in my dark bedroom on my phone for hours at a time scouring the corners of the internet for the next disturbing thing I could find. But I was just a kid. And that would send me down a multi-year psychotic episode that left me feeling isolated and terrified. And even more angry. I started getting into fights whenever the opportunity arose outside of the house. I wasnt even in middle school yet, but I was filled with blind, white hot rage already.

Once I made it to middle school though, some of the anger had festered into a chronic depression that felt like emotional rot. I developed a lot of awful habits and worsened a few Id picked up prior. I hurt a lot of people in my spiral downward and I still regret many of those things to this day. I was hurting and determined to make other people hurt too. But it only felt fair to me at the time; if I have to go home to my dads cruelty every single day, what did it matter who I hurt? They were supposed to feel bad for me.

It wouldn't be until about 2020 that things started to finally look up. I got my first job against my dads will, and this would be the decision that changed my entire life. I finally started to understand that I wasn't bound by my dads judgement. I met the people who would let me move into their apartment after a shitty roommate situation. And most importantly I met my boyfriend.

I went through a few relationships and there were a few roadblocks before it finally worked out for us to get together. Including my dads impulse choice to move himself, me, and my pregnant stepmother to South Carolina with no actual shelter built except a camper for them and a tent for me in July of '22. But after being friends for about a year and a half, we finally started dating in August. That November, he and one of our then mutual friends made an 8+ hour drive to pick me up on my eighteenth birthday. I turned 18 on November 6th and they started driving on the fifth. If it werent for them I'd still be stuck in South Carolina!

I really think I have my boyfriend to thank for who I am today. When we met I was sixteen and didnt plan on making it to eighteen. I dont think I wouldve without him. Hes been the most supportive and patient person as I've worked to heal a lot of wounds he didn't cause. Ive only been able to do the reflection and self help I needed because of him. I've been allowing myself to let go of the anger Ive defined myself with for so long and its scary. But I think Im going to like the gentler version of myself. The version he deserves.

Because for once in my life I feel like I'm safe. The eggshells are gone. A quiet house doesn't mean tension and a loud one no longer means violence. I can breathe and rest for the first time in a long time. I slept with an eye open for a while, but I think its finally safe to close them both.

[lesbianpepsi]

You don't have to respond or anything. I actually feel bad for writing this bcs i don't wanna burden anyone with this but if i don't say anything I'll lose it.

TW for R-word, PTSD, Depression, Self-harm and just really bad thoughts overall.

I'm honestly going insane. I don't even feel real anymore and it sounds corny and dumb but I truly don't. Nothing is helping, no therapy or any amount of pills are working for me. It's like, everytime I'm left to my own thoughts, I go crazy.

I hate it, I hate how I can't remember anything from 6-11 years old other than my cousin and his friend, the only childhood memories I have is my cousin and his friend r-wording me. They're 6 years older than me, I was just a kid. Barely 6, they were preteens. I don't understand why this happened to me and I'm so angry. I can barely sleep, 2 hours a night is amazing for me. But even in my sleep I have nightmares. They're awful, I wake up crying and covered in sweat. When I'm at school, one second I'll be fine and the next all I can feel is him and his friend. Its been years since I've last seen them but they're still there and they won't go away. I can still smell them, feel them, hear them. It's like it's happening all over again and I'm just so tired. I don't know what to do with myself. Everytime I think about having to live with this for the rest of my life, I feel an overwhelming sensation of just straight up agony. My chest hurts, my throat closes up and my eyes get watery. I'm tired of crying every night. I can't live in peace, these flashbacks I get are awful. It's like a flash of pictures in my head and my body reacts to it, like I'm a little kid with two grown men hurting me all over again. I tried fighting back of course, he just didn't feel pain. No matter how hard I kicked and punched and bit him. He wouldn't even flinch, it felt like God or whoever is supposedly up there, was on his side. It still feels like that. I can't even begin to understand why, if God is so powerful and real, why did he let that happen to me? It feels like it's my fault, God punished me for something I did and I just have to deal with it.

I hate how I'd let it happen all over again. Because at least it was just me, he threatened to hurt my sisters if I didn't let him and his friend. I didn't really have a choice, I couldn't let them go through that. So I'm grateful that he stuck to his word and my sisters are fine, I don't know what would happen to me or what'd I would do if they were hurt like i was and honestly still am. I'm sorry, I just feel so lost and faded. If that makes sense? I don't know what's happening to me and I'm scared of that. Thank you and have a goodnight, sorry for this shit I sent you but I wholeheartedly would snap if I stayed silent.

hey anon, it's alright i totally understand just wanting to say anything you've been thinking about.

i firstly wanna say im so sorry for everything's thats happened to you, nobody on earth deserves to go through that, im so sorry my love. and it was not your fault, the only person that's at fault is that scum, not you. you did nothing wrong, absolutely nothing.

i understand it's really hard and finding it so incredibly hard to find the point in trying to continue when you feel like you aren't getting better at all, but from my experience it does get better, it might take days, months or even years but eventually it does.

if you ever want to talk it vent anon feel free to send me a private message, i'm always here to help absolutely anyone, even if it's just to vent and get everything off of your chest.

i'm so sorry, my love, you're loved and i hope everything gets better for you❤️🫂

[exisitingg]

peaked

i feel as though i have. what have i accomplished? what have i contributed? it feels as all i've done it take up space & energy. other's need of me is always short and fleeting. with the exception of the cats but not of their choice. loving, purring captives.

how much of myself can i voice before listening is a burden? is anyone really listening? does it even matter if their need of me is ever momentary & for things inconsequential.

i do what i should do. i see a therapist on a regular basis. i go out with friends. i stay active. it all seems pointless. i mean, to some extent it is. we're going to die one day. we're stuck living in capitalist hell that will set the planet on fire. probably with some AI motivational speaker to cheer us on as it fans the flames.

yes, working full time does eat a lot of free time that might otherwise be spent on hobbies, sports, etc. time available is not the same as it was in high school or college. a lot of my time then was spent practicing/training for whatever competitive sport was in season for me. and a lot of opportunities for sports seemed to be targeted at younger folks which can be attributed for a number of reasons. i guess getting old means fading out of the cool things you do when youre young and becoming boring.

i fear im quickly becoming boring or i am already there and just havent acknowledged that. i know so many people who are so acutely knowledgeable across many fields. and i find my self pale in comparison. (comparison is the thief, i know...) while i'm grateful to not be a big fish in a small pond, (though i wonder if that might feel less worse...) i cant help but wonder if i even fit in? and if they value my presence? and if so, what do they see? what is it that i bring?

i'm always waiting for them to share. asking for that seems weird, selfish, conceited, one sided. cant help but wonder if my past actions have communicated such things to my friends. am i being fair, in asking what it is they enjoy about me? have i shared what i enjoy about my friends?

and when i try to, to sit down and write something, or even just reflect, i find only blankness. as if seeking insight of my friends empties all i know and i'm left with nothing. nothing to recall. just more doubt about myself and whether i know my friends at all and if they already see that i dont know them and thats why i'm always left wondering what it is they see in me. nothing is shared because what reason have i given them to share with me? what reason have i given for them to see me?

currently sitting on my couch, looking into my kitchen and thinking of all the chores i need to do. and i just dont want to. i just want to be wrapped in someone's arms, telling me, showing me, these insecurities aren't true despite feeling so. but i know i need so many years of that to undo all of the knots and tangles piling from the past decades.

into the void this goes as there are no better alternatives currently.

[suuprnva]

I know I'm an active burden on everyone I have any strong bonds with. Most everyone else I associate with is also poor, struggling, and actively in peril of impeeding threats that are about to hit the world. and like. i havent ever been in any position to do anythign helpful in my life. I'm honestly so fucking lucky to have anybody who cares aboujt me when i cant even take care of myself let alone othres. almost every measure of society doesnt want me, getting a job and keeping one is neigh impossible with all the mental problems i have. whats obvious to everyone else is a fucking mystery tto me, and im expected to either be perfect or endure backbreaking labor and be demeaned as an invalid. i am actively useless, i only drain from others since the day i was born. i try my hardest and i never meet any expectations. i can tell even my family hates me. they pay for my stuff but it is all obligation so they dont look bad. often times i kind ofwish i had to guts to kill myself so they wouldnt have to put up this token effort anymore. they only listen to me when im on the very edge of killing myself, and only do whats necesary to appease me before going back to ignoring me. im starving in a 1300/m apartment bc i know no one wants to be involved with me. i wanna do ti but im scared. and i really wish i werent. i wanna be done i cant fix my problems and theyre only getting worse. part of me wishes i was still that stupid fucking duckbag i was as a kid and maybe my life wouldnt be shit. i dunno man i just reall wanan kill myself soon. but i can never do it. in every part of my life i am a coward who doesn't understand anything. i keep being told everything i feel adn think is wrong. that im just lazy or arent trying hard enough. maybe thats' the case here. every part of the world is telling me to killmyself so maybe i should fufill someones expectations finally

[dontpunchdogs]

thoughts for today ! under a read more bcos it got long. yelling into the void.

ive always been hard to deal with - too sensitive to sounds, lights, temperature, texture, easily hurt by words, easily overwhelmed by other people, easily feeling left out among friends, too annoying, too loud but too quiet, needing too much reassurance, needing to feel wanted, needing needing needing. ive known this a long time. ive heard it from my parents countless times, had friends say they only hung around me out of pity, had partners say i was the most supportive partner theyd ever had; yet i need too much, my feelings are too confusing or too hard to consider, "i knew youd be upset but i didnt want to tell you and make you more upset" again and again and again.

no matter how small i tried to be, how light of a burden i made myself, its really never enough. i dont get what i need, my patience is worn thinner and thinner, and "suddenly" i snap. "suddenly" i disappear. as though there werent signs. as though i hadnt been begging for someone to care. as though i havent put others feelings and comfort above my own for years, been intentional, been thoughtful, been honest (in fairness, honest about everything besides the extent to which id been hurt) and made it clear how i love and how i want my efforts to be reciprocated.

i'm tired of it. i always thought i shouldnt live if nobody cared about me enough to pick me first. thats all ive ever wanted, really. someone to walk in a room full of people they care for and choose me out of everyone. someone who id choose over anything, even my own comfort when reasonable, and to know they'd do the same. just one person, and then i can handle everyone else letting me down, just one person, please, just one, one person, please, for once, just once.

i always find myself so fucking disappointed. maybe my standards are too high - the fact no one can meet me there makes me sad, but the idea of lowering my standards made me sadder. i can take disappointment, a lot of it, and i don't expect perfection. sometimes you cant give even 50% of your energy. sometimes you need to pick someone else. sometimes you need to pick a friend over a partner, or yourself over anyone else. but i cant handle the degree to which people constantly ignore my needs, or disregard them to indulge their wants.

im trying to rewire my brain now! im going to live, whether someone picks me or not. im going to care for others as much as i can, as hard as i can, but im going to limit those who disturb my peace. im going to put myself first, often as i can, or at least as often as id put others. i know what i need, and id do it for someone else - why not do it for me? why continue trying for people who cant be assed? why continue trying when im just difficult and draining?

today i had an overstimulating day at work. i still went to the grocery store, as id planned, because i needed to. when i drove home, i felt like id have a meltdown. instead i made myself laugh by seeing just how many bags i could carry at once. something stupid and simple, but i felt like i was good company. i put everything away. i made my lunch for tomorrow. i tried a new tea that i picked out and actually finally found one i liked. i ran a hot bubble bath. i washed my hair, my back, my body as though i was someone i loved. and i felt loved.

it was really nice. im holding onto that joy.

ive realized just how much pain other people tend to put me through. why, then, should i hinge my right to my life on my relationship with others?

im going to live. fuck anything else. fuck everybody whos ever made me feel like a fucking burden. if its soooo hard dealing with me, imagine fucking being me. i deserve so much better.

[linawritestwst]

hello!! can i request a twst matchup pls?? ty!! my pronouns are they/them and im intp-t and my zodiac sign is virgo.

my pronouns are they/them and im intp-t and my zodiac sign is virgo. 

my personality: im really shy and kind of awkward when socializing others bcos im not really good interacting with them so i just stay in the sideline where i observe people and their behavior and thats the reason why people depict me as intimidating and hard to approach and also bcos of my stoic expression too but when im with my close friends, im really bubbly and more comfortable with them. im really quite moody sometimes and i also tend to overthink things. i always listen to my friends whenever they're having a problem and just be there for them sometimes pitching in some advice now and then. im also the type of person to run away from their problems and tend to push people away bcos i dont want to burden them, i also laugh at small things, im also the type of person to read a body language very well bcos of my observant nature. i also get insecure with my appearance too 

my hobbies/likes includes writing stories and reading books, poetry composition, learning about stars and outer space, watching horror videos on yt especially analog horror, staying up all night writing down my ideas about my next stories, sleeping, i also have a fascination to ocean and i tend to stare at it, dark academia, i also like abandoned places especially if its haunted, i also love matcha green tea, i also like dark clothes, i like simple baggy sweaters and jeans, i really love a meadow full of lavenders 

my dislikes are loud people including loud places too, vegetables (depends on my mood), worms, hot weather, arrogant people 

what i look for in a partner: someone loyal and kind, will be there for me through thick and thin, someone who i can trust since i have trust issues

i would prefer not to date someone who is a cheater, playboys bcos i really despise those kind of people, secretive, someone who doesnt appreciate me, abusive, toxic in general.

i also prefer not to be match with the first years bcos i only view them in a platonic way but second and third years are okay!! ty!! 🍂💫

YAY I'M A VIRGO AND INTP-T TOO LET'S GO!! and i hope you like your matchup!

the character that i think would be a good partner for you is..

malleus draconia!

i'll explain why i chose him:

you don't have to worry about being "too shy" or anything like that when you're with malleus. you don't have to talk a lot or act in a more extroverted way if you're uncomfortable, but if you're in the mood for that, malleus would love to hear your thoughts and talk more. and oh, people think you're intimidating too? he sure can relate to that. and please, don't think of yourself as a burden to him. don't push him away, you have no idea how happy you actually make him.

malleus would find your observant nature quite interesting as well and he would think that it's amazing how you're capable of noticing the small details that no one else would think about. he finds your interests and hobbies fascinating, you sound like one of the smartest people he's ever met. and hello?? you love abandoned places too?? that's it, most of your dates are going to be you two visiting places like that now. haha, don't worry though, malleus is probably definitely gonna try to come up with something else. also he can be your dark academia bf

malleus would be a very loyal partner, he doesn't want you to feel as lonely and left behind as he feels sometimes. he's still learning how relationships work, so he may ask lilia for advice and he may make mistakes sometimes, for example, he may be a bit clingy since you're so precious to him, but he's willing to grow as a person and learn how to be a better partner for you.

[t0shii]

% comforting them when they're upset

.! oikawa, tsukishima, matsukawa (sep) x gn!r

.! angst + fluff/ breakdowns, crying, etc. lightly proofread bc im lazy so sorry for any mistakes.

.! im so sorry if this is absolute word vomit or horse shit 😭 i tried my best though 😌 uhhh sorry for not posting yesterday i got my daith pierced and i was in a lot of pain after that so i didnt feel like writing anywho enjoy this 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 p.s. i was originally gonna write for mad dog but i was struggling so i went with mattsun instead sorry. also idk why matsuns ended up being so short i didnt do him justice i apologize 😩

oikawa

— always gets discouraged when his knee bothers him. today was one of those days. his coach had made him sit out of practice because he had been limping a bit. he came home distraught and you noticed right away.

"what's the matter toru?" you asked opening your arms for a hug, which he accepted, wrapping his arms around your middle quite tightly. "my knee is bothering me again 'n coach made me sit out. it's just not fair." he mumbled into your shoulder. you could feel his tears soak through your shirt. you nodded and responded, "baby, he just doesn't want you to hurt yourself. i know it's not fair but-", "but i wanna play volleyball, i wanna get better and practice." he said, aggravated that you weren't exactly on his side, still he held you tighter.

"toru, baby, look at me." he does as told, and you bring your hands up to wipe his tear stained cheeks,"toru, you can't strain your knee anymore than you already do, you know this. i know you only want to play volleyball, baby i know, but you have to be patient." he nods in agreement and you do the same, then guiding his head back to your shoulder, "i know it's frustrating toru, but you can't force it, y'know? he wouldn't make you sit out if it wasn't for your best interest. you know that, deep down."

the two of you had been cuddling on the couch, his back against your chest when you heard him sniffling again, "toru, what's wrong?" you ask softly, sitting up slightly. "i'm so useless, my own knee can't even work right. the team deserves someone better and so d-do you" he hiccuped, hiding is face in his hands. you felt guilty for not comforting him more earlier. "toru, that's not true at all." you stated, forcing his hands into yours, "take it back right now." he looked at you confused. "toru oikawa i said take it back right this instant." you said a little sterner than before.

"no." he managed to get out through sobs, and you knew the stern method wasn't going to work this time around. "toru, please. you're not useless at all, not to anyone, not to the team, and especially not to me. you're the best teammate, friend and boyfriend anyone could ever ask for and your knee just needs a break sometimes, you just need a break sometimes and thats okay. needing a break doesn't make you useless or weak, toru." you say softly, guiding him to a sitting position, hugging him closely and tracing small, comforting shapes on his back.

"you're so so strong toru, and you're an amazing person, an amazing boyfriend, you're such an amazing volleyball player and i'm so proud of how far you've come since highschool." you say, kissing the crown of his head. "you mean it?" he asks leaning back to look at you, "i always do, toru. i love you more than anything, and i'm so so fucking proud of you, but you have to know, it's okay to need a break sometimes and it doesn't change who you are as a person and it definitely doesn't make you weak or useless. he nods in response, burrying his head into the crook of your neck. you both stay like that, you whispering words of affirmations, him listening fondly until he feels better a little while later.

tsukishima

— he usually didn't let the stress of professional volleyball get to him like this, but he couldn't help it he would be lying if he said he wasn't overwhelmed, from interviews, to extra practice to prepare for the overseas games he had coming up, he was exhausted, to add onto it all he had been neglecting you and he felt horrible for it.

you knew practice was going to be running late since your boyfriend had told you in advance, so you weren't initially worried as to why kei had been coming home late at night. this night in particular was the fourth night in a row kei been home late and you starting to grow concerned. you hadn't seen him hardly at all that week, which was unusual because he always made time for you no matter what. worried, you decided to stay awake and wait for him to get home.

when the time finally comes, your heart dropped at his appearance, he looked absolutely horrible, as if he hadn't slept right in weeks. "why are you up?" he mumbled, taking his shoes off rather sloppily, uncharacteristic of him. you made your way closer to yoir exhausted boyfriend, "kei, i'm worried about you. i know you don't like me meddling with your career, and please don't misunderstand my concern for that. i'm just worried you aren't getting enough rest and i've barely seen you at all this week." you said, crossing your arms over your chest.

you knew something was wrong when you saw the tear swell in his eyes, but he just stood there awkwardly, you walked closer toward him, "kei, what's wrong?" you ask, extending your arms toward him, which he basically fell into, he started sobbing immediately, shocking you initially. "i'm s-sorry for neglecting you this week, i didn't mean to i-i just-", "kei, i'm not worried about that, i'm worried that you aren't taking care of yourself properly." you mumble, patting his back comfortingly. to which he shakes his head no."work has been too much recently, i can't sleep and i barely have time to even think. its just practice, interviews, practice, interviews i-i can't handle it all anymore, y/n." he sobbed into your shoulder, you were speechless at his vulnerability.

"kei,-", "but i can't stop now because that'll make me a failure and i don't want to let you down and the team too, i just want to make everyone proud but i think i'm falling behind." he cried, fiddling with the hem of your shirt. "kei, you could never let me down. actually, i think i've been letting you down recently, i don't tell you this enough but, i'm so so proud of you kei, so proud you don't even understand, i'm sorry for not expressing that enough to you. i understand that you feel as if you're falling behind but overworking and stressing yourself out isn't going to help you improve, kei, and i know you also know that."

"you're working yourself sick, kei and i can't stand here and continue to let that happen so you're taking a day off whether you like it or not. tomorrow will be a me and you day, how does that sound? i'll call your coach in the morning." honestly, you wouldn't have let him say no anyways, and he knew that so he just nodded his head. "look at me kei, you have to tell me when you're feeling overwhelmed. it's not good to keep things in like this, it's just like you tell me." he nods his head, but avoids eye contact, "and i'm not disappointed or upset at you, you know. but i can't read your mind, so please just tell me when things start to feel like they're crashing down on you 'kay? i'll help you just like you help me." you smile, he looks at you and nods, hugs you closer and whispers an "i love you" into your ear, which you return.

matsuwaka

— you knew his work was stressful and emotionally and mentally exhausting, so there were always worries in the back of your mind that he would become too overwhelmed, well today your worries became reality.

"welcome home issei." you called from the kitchen as your boyfriend walked through the door, though he offered you no response, which made you frown. "issei?-" you gasped when you felt a pair of strong arms sneak their way around your waist, "jesus, issei, you scared me!" you giggle placing your hands atop of his own, but you realized he was not laughing with you. "issei, baby?" concern laced in your tone as you maneuvered your way around to face him, "what's wrong baby?" you ask, taking his face in your hands to wipe at escaping tears.

"work was rough today." was all he said as he melted at the feeling of your thumbs running back and forth on his cheeks. "oh issei, i'm sorry." you mumbled, kissing the tip of his nose lightly, "is there anything i can do to help?" he didn't know why but something inside of him snapped when you asked him that, and sobs escaped his lips, he could only hide his face in the space between your neck and shoulder because for some reason he felt... ashamed to be crying in front of you like this. "please just hold me." he cried, so you did just that, shushimg him when his sobs got violent, rubbing your hand up and down his back soothingly.

the both of you stood there for a good 15 minutes before you spoke up after he had calmed down a bit, "is there anything you need to get off your chest? you don't have to tell me now or even at all but i want you to know that whatever is bothering you, you can tell me, anything at all. i know your job is mentally exhausting and honestly i dont even know how you do it but i dont want you thinking you have to carry the burden of it alone, okay? i'm so proud of you, so so so proud of you issei, i just wanted you to know that."

you felt him nod in the crook of your neck, a soft, "thank you." sounding shortly after, "of course." you responded, kissing his shoulder a few time.he wasn't sure when he would feel completely ready to get things off his chest but he felt loved knowing that you would always be there to comfort him, and for that he was forever grateful.

[possessionisamyth]

things i need to unpack

-the gender thing

I remember bringing up the possibility of talking T to a sister in university to which she immediately dissauded me saying i didn't need it and shouldn't do that, no idea what her intentions were or if she was trying to be supportive but i guilted that idea out of me by doing research and convincing myself its not worth the effort, i still dont know if i think its worth the effort or not, but i do need to sort through this

i also remember discovering the term androgynous and running with it only for a group of well meaning friends to further prod me on the definition as if that weren't enough (this was during the time where a bunch of lgbt terms were being brought back into the normal language while others where being created) so I don't blame them but it did kinda make me hate labels if mentioning one meant id be asked to constantly elaborate

-the sexuality thing

I floated between a lot of labels as i was learning them, the first one being bisexual since in highschool there was only gay straight or bi, and a lot of queer online discussion changed between me graduating high school and me leaving university

did latch onto the term "demisexual" when it dropped because it felt like me, but was questioned again when trying to explain it and was told "isnt that just what everyone does?" didn't take this response as maybe they were on the same wavelength and proceeded to have the most uncomfortable and irritated relationship with the concept of asexuality ever since, resorted to sorting myself into simply having a low sex drive and maybe not having met the right person yet, didn't help that the people i was dating or interested in at the time were all some level of shitty or uncommunicative sometimes with the bonus of expectations on me I couldn't meet

realizing now that ive guilted myself out of the idea and it just mixed in with my weird and fluctuating relationship with my body making me feel justified for being a dick

-other thoughts

Also realizing now my people pleasing habits, desire to not be a burden on anyone, and letting my own feelings be ignored or bottled up for the sake of other people's comforts did just as much hindrance for my personal journey as learning all the new information helped said journey

i lashed out at people i shouldn't have, over stepped boundaries i didn't comprehend, and came off all wrong when i was learning to set my own boundaries and trying to hate myself less, there were a lot of pivots trying to curb that self hatred, some better than others, others that resulted in me having to navigate around these coping methods i no longer need and no longer help me

I think i do have a lot of unspoken anxiety about whether im allowed to be angry or sad or upset about myself and my relationships because there have been many times where i try to voice those feelings and I'm told I shouldn't respond that way, and ive unfortunately done the same to others, and i think i do need to let myself sit in my bad moods so i can actually process them instead of trying to constantly shove it to the back of my mind and pretend it isnt there

and i can recognize ive said things that have hurt people or made them upset because of all of this shit ive listed and i cant go back and fix most of it because my running into those people are very slim and thats just the nature of life

But, i think to really sort of heal I'll need to start saying whats for me and that what i say is enough

So I think i am demisexual and androgynous nonbinary and I think if i ever want to start taking T that'll be my decision and no one elses and i still have to unpack the baggage and the guilt but i can keep moving forward, and if those labels change than thats good too and it wont be because someone else made me feel bad directly or by accident for making a decision

[morbidly-malicious-muffins]

What Kind of Music Slashers Would Vibe to Headcanons♪

This little thing popped into my head. Fyi, the canon timelines are thrown out the window for this so... Yeah.

Bring forth the bop~

RZ Michael Myers

"Let my weapons be your children, let my armies be your damned. Try to suffer on in silence, try to stop me if you can." --- This Cold Black by Slipknot

I think he'd really enjoy metal in general. I can totally see him unknowingly stomping to some Marilyn Manson and Meshuggah, though the lyrics and message probably will just fly over his head.

He listens to some heavy shit, but probably all the more mainstream bands/artists.

The loudness and organized chaos of the genre fills the void in his soul and reflects the state of his mind, despite his stoic and non-verbal outer demeanor.

Someone please do everyone a favor and introduce Michael to some death metal. Admit it, it really fits his aesthetic.

This is just based on speculation, but I suspect a 70% possibility of RZ Michael resonating with Cannibal Corpse. Fight me.

He hates classical music with a burning passion. Back in Smith's Grove, they played Bach's Air Sul G on tap. (its canon in the first movie lmao) He hates it. Mikey no likey.

Freddy Krueger

"No stop signs, speed limit, nobody's gonna slow me down. Like a wheel, gonna spin it, nobody's gonna mess me around." --- Highway to Hell, by AC/DC

Freddy listens to classic rock, period.

This guy is ngl a supporter of music taste discrimination. You listen to pop? Disgusting. You listen to Jazz? Disgusting. Classic rock is the epitome of all music.

He'll call you music-related slurs you never knew existed.

As stubborn adamant as Freddy is, he does harbor some guilty pleasures, including 70's hair metal and glam rock. Pshh. What a heckin hypocrite.

Some of his all time favorites are Guns N' Roses, Led Zeppelin, Van Halen, and AC/DC.

(Basic bitch)

*Hip thrust movements to go with his 'The Sprinkler' dance moves, Welcome to the Jungle by Guns N' Roses blasting in the background*

OG Michael Myers

He doesn't listen to music, but if he did, he would probably enjoy Jazz.

Michael only listens to Miles Davis because he enjoys his music and can't be bothered to discover more artists.

Oml Michael I know Miles Davis is amazing but don't neglect other iconic artists plzzz. Someone please make him listen to some Teddy Wilson and/or Dave Brubeck.

I imagine him sitting stiff-straight on a rocking chair (he just likes how it moves), knife in his lap, rocking and zoning-out relaxing to 'Blue in Green'. (I love that piece)

#AfterHeFinallyKillsLaurie

#RetirementGoals

He also hates classical music because of the same reason as RZ Myers. Seriously, if either of them so much as hears the opening chord of Air Sul G, expect the speaker to be stomped to a pulp in a split second.

Bubba Sawyer

Alright let's all be honest with ourselves... 70's pop and country is Bubba's shit.

Look me in the face and tell me he wouldn't adore ABBA, The Jackson 5, and Dolly Parton. Thats right you can't

Everytime 'Dancing Queen' starts playing on the radio, Bubba will drop everything and start busting down.

Ain't nothing and nobody stoppin him. Drayton is powerless against the supreme sovereignty that is ABBA.

But let's also appreciate the fact that our Bubster can motherfuckin get down. *wipes sweat from forehead + heart eyes*

He would also do passionate lip sync with his heart and soul, to Dolly Parton's 'I Will Always Love You'.

50% chance of him starting to cry right after he finishes his earnest performance.

*Holding Bubba in your arms, rubbing comforting circles on his back as he bawls hysterically, incoherently babbling on about how much he loves you*

I also feel for some reason he'd really like Joan Jett & The Blackhearts.

Thomas Hewitt

"For one moment, I wish you'd hold your stage, with no feelings at all. Open minded, I'm sure I used to be so free." --- Citizen Erased by Muse

Y'know what I have a hard time imagining the type of music Tommy listens to. Kutos, Mr. Hewitt, you have defeated me.

siKE

(This is where I yeet the timeline out of the window y'all)

Thomas enjoys Muse, Evanescence, and Radiohead. (Fight me)

He just loves how emotional their songs are. He'd have one earbud in as he works away at his projects for hours. The music helps him concentrate, it is also a source of emotional support to him.

Hearing the heart-wretching lyrical content of 'Lost in Paradise' performed so beautifully by Amy Lee's angellic voice is really comforting to him. It's like hearing about another person's experiences. It makes him feel less alone in dealing with his emotional and mental turmoils and burdens.

The first time Thomas heard 'Creep' by Radiohead, he almost cried.

He also listens to My Chemical Romance sometimes. He only knows the Black Parade album, but he loves it. If 'Creep' didn't make him cry, listening to that entire album from top to bottom sure did. He started sobbing half-way through 'Famous Last Words'.

Tommy is emotional boi 🥺

Brahms Heelshire

C l a s s i c a l

No matter how stinky Brahms is, you can't tell me that he's not classy.

Schubert is his bitch. Schubert's style tends to be quite majestic and/or dreamy, (generally) and can change color/sound very abruptly yet appropriately. (This is just my opinion based on experience with Schubert's pieces, but then I only know his piano pieces soo) (let's still cue that maestoso to scherzando transition)

But of course, Schubert isn't the only thing he listens to. He prefers the romantic period, so Mendelssohn, Rachmaninoff, Chopin, Shostakovich, Brahms, Schumann, you get the gist, all the staples. Oh yeah Elgar too. To be a proud English lad.

*Brahms swaying in the living room with the grace of a baby giraffe, engrossed in the beautiful melodies in Schumann's Kinderszenen.*

(Oml please check out 'Von fremden Landern und Manschen' and 'Kind im Einschlummern') (For those who play piano, they aren't that difficult too totally recommend) (Ok sorry I'm done now)

Brahms would totally waltz around alone to Chopin's waltzes and nocturnes.

Oh yeah apart from that classy shit, he likes to jam to meme songs.

"Hey now, you're an all star, get your game on, go play---"

*cut to Brahms passionately fortnite dancing*

Listens to The Strange Man Who Sings About Dead Animals for a good laugh. (Please, all of his songs are gold)

Vincent Sinclair

He'll have 'emo' and 'classical' with a side of metal, thanks.

I headcanon that Vinny McWaxy is an INFJ, so the boy is likely prone to crippling existentialism. It would make sense for some aspects of his music taste to reflect that.

*cut to Vincent sitting rock-still on his workbench/stool, hands hover in mid-air, staring straight ahead, some John Cage piece playing*

You'll never hear this from Vincent but he enjoys sexy-time music. He has this whole erotic playlist he listens to while working. (Boy likes to feel sexy on the job, I respect that.)

I think its pretty much canon that Vinny loves MCR. (Hello fellow emo piece of shit 👋) His favorites are everything by them really. A hardcore fan. He used to have MCR, P!ATD, and 30 Seconds to Mars posters plastered everywhere in his workshop until he had to remove them all to add to the intimidation factor of his waxy hell for passer-bys. For the record, he is very gay for Frank Iero.

On the metal part of his spectrum is mostly classic metal, groove metal, and thrash/heavy metal.

Rammstein, Pantera, Vildhjarta, new and old Metallica, Dream Theatre, Coheed and Cambria. His bitches.

He also uses music to scare victims when bringing them down to his workshop. *cue horror movie soundtracks*

*KI KI KI MA MA MA*

Is a whore for the dramatics when in a good mood.

*Lacrimosa by Mozart plays as he makes a point to bring the wax painfully slowly down toward a drowsy and petrified victim*

A lament for your upcoming death, pitiful human.

Bo Sinclair

"The day has come for all us sinners, if you're not a servant you'll be struck to the ground." -- Beast and The Harlot by Avenged Sevenfold

Bastard boy is into dad-music™. (same)

Dad rock, classic rock, pop punk, punk rock, old school pop, his shit.

He listens to a lot of the same bands as Freddy, but Bo (generally) doesn't discriminate and explores a more diverse variety of music.

Its a fandom canon that Bo loves Avenged Sevenfold. I totally agree.

A7x is the perfect amount of cynical, political, and shred for Beauregard, (I hc that ge hates his full name so plz don't ever call him Beauregard)

He listens to the radio whenever he's at work. Whatever that might be.

Will NEVER admit it, but he thinks Vinny's music taste is dope as hell.

He'll turn off the radio just to strain his ears to listen to Vincent's music downstairs. No one will ever know that though. You don't.

Actually likes classical music too. Its not one of his main genres but there's one piece he really likes, Second Movement of Shostakovich Piano Concerto No. 2 in F Major.

He never thought he'd enjoy this type of music. Its so.... Calm. He discovered that piece from Vinny's playlist. When he first heard it on his brother's speaker, he fell in love. It was one of the extremely rare cases in which he'd be committed enough to ask Vinny the name of the music.

Tiny shuffle for man-kind, huge fuckin step for Bo. Good job Bo, we're proud of you.

Also pleeeeeaaase message me or request stuff, I'm bored and have little inspiration 🦊

I might do a pt2 of this, since I didn't write many of the boys and gals🤷‍♀️

Also sorry if I've neglected some genres/artists (Like i've neglected non-piano classical pieces.... Bc ya girl is just a pianist), a person can't know everything😗

---Zali 🖤

[kuronanox]

Not enough - Byakuya Kuchiki

It amazed her that thee Kuchiki Byakuya was actually interested in her, it was so surreal. Everything came naturally, their conversations and body language was like they were in tune together. Everyone could see that he was finally finding some type of peace after hisana's passing. Everyone but the royal and noble housing even after hisana's passing they blame it on her being a commoner and now the horrible treatment was getting thrown at (Your Name) now.

No one has ever verbally abused her infront of Byakuya but when he was gone they talked down and degraded her. She would just ignore them and go on about her day. The first few months  were fine because no one knew they were dating but once the relationship started getting serious and she moved into the Kuchiki manor the negative comments came left and right into her head. Of course she didn't tell Byakuya and most of the time she stayed closed to him so she wouldn't have to hear the abusing comments.

It was another fall morning as they strolled around the manor getting fresh air. "What is your favorite season (Your Name)." Byakuya ask calmly as they walked side by side admiring the green plants and flowers turning a beautiful autumn red. "Hmm the time between fall and winter, it's never to cold or hot!" She smiles and grabs his arm gently as she hugs it as they continue striding around the manor. Of course as nobles showing affection wasn't allowed but she didn't care and as long as she was happy Byakuya didn't mind the gesture either. "I see." He replies as it turns to a comfortable silence between them.

"Have you talked to rukia recently?" She brings up looking at him now with worried eyes. "Of course, she's doing fine with the human substitute shinigami in the world of living right now." He answers reassuring her their relationship as gotten better by time.

"Hmm someone has gotten soft." She jokes and squeezes him tightly as he eyes widen a little bit and he softly smiles without her knowing of course, but the hug gets cut short as she sees a few elders walking towards them as she quickly pulls away from the affection and awkwardly bow and stays behind Byakuya. The elders speak to him about important matters about the Kuchiki house and he exchanges a few words. Byakuya looks at (Your Name) and he recently began to notice that her reitsu would fluctuate everytime she was around a royal or noble that didn't allow their relationship. Cutting the conversation short he gently grabs her hands with his and walks past the elders.

She looks at their hands and blushes softly. This was the first time he had ever showed affection towards her infront of anyone. "I'm sorry you don't have to do that... you know. I know the nobles don't like it." She starts loosening her grip now as his tighten. "When has that ever stopped you?" He asks now curious.

Byakuya knew she was always a loud mouth and her manners were certainly not presentable to other nobles. She liked to show her curves, didn't like wearing fancy clothes, did her own chores and curses a whole bunch, but for some reason that made him like her even more when they first met each other. Byakuya liked her because she possessed all the qualities he didn't have or wasn't allowed to do because it was unacceptable for the head of the clan to have.

"I know it's just, I don't want people to talk... you know." She sadly says and walks ahead a few steps before he silently follows her. "Oh I'm going out with Matsumoto tonight, girls night!" She smiles now changing the mood between them now.

"YEAH AND THEN THE OLD BITCH HAD THE NERVE TO TELL ME THAT I WAS FAT AND MY FACE WAS TO BIG! AND IM LIKE AT LEAST IM NOT WALKING CLOSER TO MY GRAVE EACH DAY!" (Your Name) screams to Matsumoto, Nanao and Hinamori.

"She didn't!" Hinamori exclaims covering her mouth like a gossip girl.

"She did honey!"

"Ugh nobles, thats why you gotta go for the ugly guys and then you make them hot." Matsumoto shakes her head and pours another shots for them. Nanao facepalms and says "Everytime we meet up they always have something negative to say, why not just tell Kuchiki taicho?"

"Fuck that, I'm so tired of having to filter myself at the manor too! LIKE I WANT TO SCREAM FUCK, SHIT, BITCH BUT I CANT!"

Hinamori just laughs as Matsumoto takes the shot and nods furiously!

"Jesus." Nanao says just giving up.

"But you do anything for the one you love." (Your Name) softly says taking shot number 7. "Same." Matsumoto sulks as they both start crying together.

"So I'm guessing we are walking them home again." Nanao says as Hinamori just happily pour more shots for the two girls sulking across from her.

(Your name) safely gets back to the manor with the help of Hinamori, she was drunk but she was still able to recognize and act like she was normal. "Will Kuchiki taicho be upset that you drank a lot?"

"Nah, he's probably asleep anyways, thank you I'll take my leave now!" She smiles and gets into the manor.

Although it was hard to act sober she took her time to walk into their bedroom. There were still some maids and servants doing some choirs so she avoided them at all cost so she didn't look like a fool to them and ruin Byakuya image. Turning the corner to their room one of the oldest head maid was taking out the tea pot from the place.

"Drunk again I see." She sternly says with hatred in her eyes as (Your Name) just ignores the comment and proceeds to go into the room. The old lady prohibits her from entering. "You won't go in."

"Move or I'll move you myself." (Your Name) threaten to the lady as she doesn't bulge.

"You are only here because Byakuya Sama allows you to stay, but to everyone else in this house you bring disgrace and tarnish our name. You are a vulgar lady with no manners and inconsiderate, rude and foul mouth."

Byakuya stirs in his sleep waking up from talking coming out from infront of his room.

"And? I'm a hundred percent sure he knows how I am already, why do you care how I am. Yes I'm a commoner-" (Your Name) proceeds to argue but the older maids interrupts with a statement that broke her self confidence.

"At least Hisana Sama didn't go around and tarnish the name, she was lady like and knew how to contain herself unlike you."

(Your Name) hesitantly eyes widen she was sadden, no one had ever talked about Hisana. Behind closed door she was always being compared, she knew but no one was going to compare (Your Name) to another person let alone a past lover.

"You know, I get we are two different person but I'm sure she wouldn't have approve of you talking down about commoners because we know the struggle of having to act perfect all the time and keeping a imagine so we don't look bad for the family name. You wouldn't know old lady because you've never been discriminated. I know damn well everyday we tried our best for Byakuya and I'm glad she is in a better place and not down here where she would have still gotten the same treatment as me."

Byakuya had enough of the arguing as he swiftly gets out of the futon and towards the door before he stops when he hears (Your Name) continuing to defend him.

"If you ever wonder why Byakuya always act so cold is probably because he has to act perfect for the family and he carries the burden of our imagine and you guys give him shit for every little thing he does but he sucks it up because he was taught to. You guys don't see the sleepless nights he gets and the fights he put up to protect his people he loves. I won't stand here letting you talk down about me and his relationship when he has been the happiest since the death of his late wife. I won't let you take away his happiness. You guys think you know him but y'all don't know a thing. Weather you like it or not I'm leaving." (Your Name) passionately says to the old women as she angrily spoke up.

"You jus-"

Byakuya roughly opens the door to see a flushed (Your Name) and the head maid standing face to face. The maid not allowing her to enter the room. "That's enough, leave now." He harshly tells the head maid as she bows and apologize as she gives a sour look towards the girl before leaving.

There was an awkward silence in the air as she looks down and speaks. "I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't be talking to the elders like that. I just got frustrated. I'll sleep at Matsumoto place tonight." She offered proceeding to walk away.

Byakuya grabs her hands and place them with his as he kisses her forehead and pulls her into a hug. "Why haven't you told me anything?" He asks as she calmly hugs him back and tears fall down. "You know I would have said something if you would have just communicate to me."

(Your Name) doesn't say anything as he rubs her back and leads her into bed with him. "I fell in love with you because of how you are, you don't have to act anymore." He proceeds to says as she gently nods.

Byakuya softly smiles and kisses her forehead again. "We deal with this together my love."

[grembitc-archived]

Q:Did Chisaki or Nemoto teach her how to shoot a gun? Was the idea of quirk erasure bullets ever brought up? Oh! Seeing as eri is basically chisakis protege would she be the next head of the Yakuza seeing as her grandfather was the original head so by blood she should or not since it is usually males and she is female? Does she have the same view as Chisaki on heroes that they 'need a cure' or have 'a sickness'? Sorry for all the questions I'm just really curious about this take!

whoah thats a lot :'' im not burdened by it just shocked people actually care about my au skdhdjd

1. i feel like nemoto would teach her, since he is trusted by overhaul with the quirk-erasing bullets and actually HIT mirio which means he probably had some training prior, and also eri and shin could really bond in their training sessions

2. since this au only changes events that happen after she encounters deku, then yes. the little box of quirk erasing bullets that kai made still exists, but since they cost a lot to make (from extracting eri's dna to actually making the bullets) he decided to instead focus on training eri to erase quirks herself. and maybe since she's actually got a grip on her quirk, when they do make bullets its easier to extract her dna (the bullets are then given to other trusted precepts members)

3. now while i dont know much about actual yakuza rules and who could lead them, i think eri being the next head of the hassaikai is a fun concept to dabble on. she is directly related by blood to the boss and perhaps the only reason she can't be a leader is her age. she still has a long way to go in terms of quirk training, strength, and general leadership since she is more of the rowdy and rebellious type

4. yes! i mentioned how her personality is similar to kai in a lot of ways, and i think she adopts his views and morals aswell, i mean she herself is both a curse and a blessing. her quirk can easily kill the ones she loves but can also aide her to erase quirks entirely. she remembers all those years ago when the two heroes-in-training chose to ignore her pleads and sobs just so they dont "cause a scene" image is everything to these heroes and she wants to cure them of their hero syndrome

honestly feel free to ask more thoughts you have! i like talking about this au even if i drew it 10 months ago

[kendrixtermina]

Now here's an all new theory for where the procrastination comes from

Like the uni councilors thought of like generic selfhate insecurity or like spineless ppl pleasing (nope an anime cured me of that when I was 13 - thst sounded more like what that ladys own problems might be), fear or failure & wanting to spite my father, eveb that getting ahead through "talent" was an unfair advantage bad tainted and evil, or that "talent" meant being beholden and controlled by others (definitely somewhat right - we worked on that, it helped, the second guy was defs much much more helpful & compatible cause he focussed a lot more on strategies than wannabe-maternal pep talks) but there was always something else there that wasnt getting touched

In tje end I dont think I have talent and in any case what really matters is attitude toward "living the examined life" for example whst you do. What you notice.

Now I did notice that things get harder to do precisely because I actually want them(whereas a lot of ppl get distracted from stuff because they dont really want it) - at the same time I can totally function or pick up new habits in day to day life its not like I have some "hardware problem" like, say, ADHD or the like.

Like of course its some emotional knot it couldnt be anything else but I feel they didnt identify what kind of knot? Certainly not that first lady. If im trying to get clarity and you give me reassuring pep talks you just freak me out more for the love of god tell me whats happening. Nothing worse when a Doctor says "it will be over soon" rather than explain the procedure

Fear of/ distraction from wanting itself never really occured to me thats not a common stereotypical fear that ppl talk about.

Let me get this straight I never thought I was better than anyone I knew very well that I'm not. I thought of both those things as ways not to get bullied, maybe get somewhere where I feel that im in the right place.

If I look back at really breaking experiences it was times I really really wanted something and then I couldnt do it or some outside party stepped on my fingers. That Tori Amos Music Video where she escapes from a psycho killer's trunk and then the passerby's dont help her? That was my most favorite music video in the world for years maybe still is.

Like I was told I could maybe skip third grade and I poured all my energy and passion and strenght into that everything I had to do well, make friends with the new class i was so highly motivated I aced all the exams I felt so happy & fulfilled just being in thst flow state all the time... i wanted this more than anything. Maybe it was the first time I really wanted something beyond vague dreams or base desires. But the homeroom teacher hated my guts and put the kibosh on that; Probably because I was unwittingly repeating some of the artogant classist shit my father spouts without realizing how hurtful it is. my parents thought it wasnt worth going to the higher ups for that but having to essentially redo 4th grade in a crap school in the different town we moved to was one of the worst times of my life. Also I didnt find out that the teacher had hated me/acted in a petty way until years after I thought I just failed. That there was a possible place I could have belonged but turns out I really belong nowhere after all.

All my effort was for nothing. It was such a joy - i mean these days even getting code to work or solving math problems has that same joy - but all that effort and joy and wanting did was that... im tearing up and searching for the words to even process this tbh. I think I denied that joy, told myself that I was just a stupud kid thinking I was a special snowflake. It didnt even matter.

Rather than insist on staying up late to make sure my homework was done I just stopped caring and hardly did another piece of homework in my life just faking it on the spot or coasting through. It could have gone another way maybe if it werent for the bullies and my father the chief bully or if only I was more determined but it was like "okay I dont care anymore I just dont care" and I think thats stayed my default response to dissapointment to this day.

This TV show didnt turn out like I wanted? I dont care its just a tv show.

My father treated be with hatred all my life? Its okay I dont care about him and I dont want his love anyway.

Like there were other times when I thought I could be happy.

Like I really wanted to go to this boarding school for gifted kids. Again I thought maybe incorrectly that this would be a place where I can belong and not be bullied it was never about being better than anyone.

Again I wanted it I clamored and cried and made noise nonstop. Maybe I still hadnt wholly lost contact with willpower back then. I still thought of myself as strong willed.

And my father made me regret it. It was around the same time that mom briefly considered divorce maybe I was just the stress valve. Or he took it personally as wanting to get away from him. Duh he abused me of course I wanted away from him. He was such a suffocating control freak! Mom said yes first then he spoke to her and suddenly she followed everything he said. Thats when I really realized how emotionally manipulative was how abusive... i mean one of my first conscious memories of him is thinking "oh crap I will be just like cinderella" but he really laid it on so thick so transparently even a 10 year old could tell its manipulation. If you do this you dont love your mom. If you do this you dont love your siblings. If you dont obey me your mom will kill herself. No she wont you jerk even my 2 year old self could tell youre abusive.

The most cruel thing he did was briefly say yes. Again I got so happy. So invested. Just bending all I was towards that even though he bombarded me with abuse and mental torture.

And then on the day we were supposed to leave he said no youre not going.

Maybe I actually did say I didnt want to go because of one time he was doing this constant scientology type torture on me

That same reaction: "I dont want it I dont want anything so please please let me be"

Ppl think of bad childhoods as a game that you win if yoz turn 18 -or 28 maybe - without killing yourself. But its not. Every year you live it can take away from your potential. Every day less than you have to live it

He sure didnt let me have sucess with his overcontrol and abuse. Anything I was proud of he rules. When I graduated from school with a fairly good but not perfevt final score he humiliated me. When I turned 18 he humiliated me. Everything I did was a burden even just feeding and washing me. Hed give me unwanted white elephant gifts then bitch about how giving them to me ruined his life cause he had to work so muxh "Ingrate Ingrate Ingrate" Butch I never asked for anything I want nothing!

But as I had to eat I did in fact have to ask things of him and I hated it so much.

No wonder that I turned out afraid of wanting things eh?

Hed seen some poster when we went to see tje school I wanted to go to - not by the school by an individual student - about the history of abortion portrayed in a positive way or at least that was his official reason why I couldnt go. Again I had wanted something badly with all my being and again all my being availed nothing. Irrelevant like I didnt exist. All my screaming gone unheard.

And this is so silly cause im not a child anymore I have control and if I were to stop procrastinating I could have money and gave even more control.

I havent even spoken to him in years now hes no longer relevant. Its not about him its about thus bad pattern I picked up.

I like how this books handles it with the idea that certain experiences dont create the type but that it nakes you uniquely suceotible to certain kinds of hurt or certain misunderstandings.

Because with all this discourse about bad message free media ive really come to think that while it can and should be minimized its not possible to eradicate cause human mibds are so quicl so fallible to extract overgeneralizations and make it mean something abput themselves

Like an immature statistical learning model easily overtrained by noisy data.

Another time I was nearly happy was when I started looking for work, doing my thesis...

Same pattern I was engaged, happy to be engaged talking to ppl at both work and in the uni work group loving it all so much...

my life had started to feel meaningful again. And it had gotten to that point in part because of my ex-fiance. Yes the councelling heloed taking up meditation helped, getting high on morning glory that one time helped a whole lot got more self esteem from that than I ever got from my father.

But that all started because of my ex fiance.

He was an i tellectual type and he had a sense of purpose about him like hes a legendary character and everyone around him became legendary too. And he found me useful! Others had called me "walking dictionary" with mockery and scorn he called me his google and it meant love and admiration. Maybe I got a bit of an ego trip off of tjat but I also really stupidly dumbtastically loved him I bragged of him to anyobe who listened everything he did seemed fascinating abd interesting and meaningful, but also I just loved the sweet gentle warmth of being next to him in the morning. Once again I was happy and everything was joyful even when it was hard, I felt strong and meaningful and useful and I let myself openly want things.

And then it all blew up. Worse yet i was so mistaken abozt him it really shook my confidence in my own judgement or any sense of clarity. I was si confused during the fucking breakup like I hadnt been since I left my father's house.

Google hah! More like his personal Alexa! It turns out he didnt respect or like me at all.

I couldnt even be sad or angry cause it was all my mistake. The one feeling I allowed - and even that took me weeks to identify - is dissapointment. Heavy leaden dissapointment i didnt even kniw that was a feeling you could feel so strongly. I didnt even do anything wrong you have to open yourself to have love. He could habe choosen to love me he just simply didnt. He probably thought he did but he wouldnt evebn do something as simple as not make fun of my voice or clean when I am sick.

Once he started putting me in the "wife" role he just became unable to see me. His loss really cause I think he wanted to keep me from all those annoying texts and email he had the nerve to write.

By all means I was right to trust but also right to leave later but still my sense of certainty and purpose and meaning was totally shaken. He did the sort of romantic stuff I didnt think was real. I knew I loved him when we had this conversation about water on mars. He got me the perfect books for my birthday! He said I was pretty and a genius and looked just like an actress. He got me this titanic esque heart pendant with stars. We were stuck at midnight in a train station that one time and he pulled out a picnic rug two plastic glasses and a shampain bottle. It never worked out but he said he might take me to see the LHC! I really thought we would be buried in the same hole folks!. He had read that same steven Hawkings book that I loved. One of the rather few books he actually read as I would find. Sigh.

And I fell right back into that same old pattern. Dont care about anything dont want anything it would be stuoid unrealistic and silly to want.

When I first came to uni I also had this feeling of hapiness and belongingness and wanting, I was putting in an effort, talking to ppl more.. and when things went wrong the slightest bit I pulled by hand back from that like from an open flame.

And here I am years later most the sucess or contact I get is comments on my fanfictions.

I thought I was doing that, or drawing, because its Stakes/Evaluation-free (going by the fear of failure theory) or because at least with the ffs gratification/payoff for effort is immediate compared to original stuff or uni work. Its a nice little niche at least.

I mean I do care about it its not "just" distraction but maybe ive been profaning it in that way... and so etimes I dont even do that and go for full unadulterated undebatable distraction; Line to 7 I guess. Tje only reason I spoke face to face to anyone else than the delivery guy this week is that I had some doctors appointments.

But not its distraction from stuff Im too lazy to do or even from pressure like I always thought. But from wanting things.

So the original fiction went great while it was a distraction from school not so much when its one of the things I most want and actually have the time to do it.

Even thought thats the most practiced skill I have that I never stopped working on since I was 10. 🤦‍♀️

I mean they already explained that its basically like meditation. Or weeds. Or popup ads. Youve got to click them away as they pop up.

I always told myself thst I didnt have to be happy... and thats not even untrue actually but it would sure be neat to be happy again one of these days.