#I'm not the best at explaining things + I'm partially alseep cuz I didn't realize how late its got

[artisplatters]

Okay big talky time strap in

So the above explained phenomenon occurs often in people who were raised in ways that ultimately give them c-ptsd. This can be achieved, obviously, by crappy parenting and shitty environments such as school.

Intentions of other people don't matter, good int.s or bad int.s it all ends up the same.

When raised in situations like these, the brain will end up in a constant state of fight-or-flight(or-fawn) instead of developing important mental skills that are usually developed in the growing-up phase. Skills such as emotional regulation, proper enviromental evaluation (that isn't just "oh everywhere's dangerous so lets stay in F-or-F mode"), and our current topic, long term memory (among other things but those arent the topic rn are they)

Because of being in near-constant F-or-F mode, our brain isn't really focused on making memories, it's stuck in a state of survival, even during joyous or calm times when it shouldn't be. over several years, only big events will end up sticking around long-term. everything else will be muddled or disappear entirely.

So, I promise you, you aren't stupid, your life isn't devoid of interesting things, and your brain isn't fucking with you on purpose. It was just trying to help you survive. But your brain will force you to inhale water if you go too long without air, so it isn't always the best at judging how to help you survive.

You're a wonderful human being who happened to have a sucky start, but that doesn't mean the rest of the story is gonna be sucky. You just gotta keep going and try not to beat yourself up about it.

This isn't explained very well so I'm gonna link some stuff if you want a proper explanation:

A Phyche2Go video on the topic, not the best but its not a dramatic-ified version that most videos are

A Hanley Foundation article I'm not too familiar with Hanley but this paper at least seems to explain the memory loss part of it decently

unfortunately neither of these manage to address the specifics of being raised with cptsd so I encourage to look into said specifics when you can.

I learned of this myself only in the last couple years, so I'm not an expert. But I will say that it doesn't have to be a few big events. In fact, especially in the case of being raised with it, it's often hundreds of thousands of small things that add up, like grains of sand on a beach.

Why don't I have any memories of being a kid. Why can't I remember that? Was it just boring? Why can't I remember things as recent as 2020? Am I just stupid? Is my mind just fuking with me? Is my life really that devoid of interesting moments?

Why don't I have any memories