#I'm not getting better because this is just what my brain is like now
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There have been moments, especially when we open our hearts to a husband , where you have felt a distance between you. I know It's as if the door to your heart opens just halfway, holding back parts of you out of fear, caution, or maybe something you now can't quite understand. It struck you deeply like a slap, and you couldn't help but fee this realisation, it sounds like you are being self centred "I can't believe you would be someone so selfish. That you cant give yourself over completely to your relationship. What a dried up and broken woman you have become"
The beauty of exploring love languages and embracing our vulnerabilities lies in their reflection of real-life relationships. These concepts encourage us to examine our own connections, fostering a deeper understanding and appreciation for the complexities of love. It's an invitation to reflect on how we communicate affection and how we can better align with our loved ones, paving the way for more fulfilling relationships
Have you noticed sometimes when you do want it from a your guy , it almost feels like you’re invisible to him?
Are you nodding along?
Has this happened to you?
You already know you’re smitten. With your husband, only…you’re not bold and slutty, so you don’t feel comfortable just walking over and dropping to your knees and unzipping his pants and pulling it out, or telling him that you’re horny and need fucking… now!
So what can you do because you know it’s insulting to him for you to be a boring prude?
It’s fairly easy to get attention, but that doesn’t in any way guarantee that he will want to fuck you. Just something to be aware of. Once you have his attention, you’ll want to really notice what his reaction to you is. Does he smile while listening to every word, or is he busier checking his phone than talking to you? The sharper your observation skills, the less time you waste on knowing how to please him.
Grow up…you’re acting like you’re in middle school. You’re not. There are better, high-value ways to get his attention. Be his wife, his woman and his lover. Show him what you have and let him enjoy you.
Never be boring or distant.
Instead make yourself interesting and be interested in him and his desires. Learn what makes him hard.
Think of each moment like the dating game, you may be insecure about flirting or expressing your interest. It will take practice, but you’ve got this! Show some sexual aggression and really let him know what you have in mind. Use your brain. Or play open docile and ditzy. If it makes him hard and your feeling horny and wet, know in your heart its working for you. Remember that.
Be his good girl a figure out what turns him on and makes him hard, and interested. Usually, within a few minutes of conversation and , you can deduce this. Obviously, look for a bulge, but also keep an eye out for signs of breast gaze and lip gazing what part of your body is he focused upon! Display yourself with abandon like the women these men look at on Tumblr. They are interested atvtmhem for a reason. Forgot you self and think about why men masturbate to these kind of women pictures.
Let it change you prudish self.
Keep the conversation going once you have his attention, and make it clear that you’re not just being normal friendly (you’re being flirty friendly!). Use your language in and out of the bedroom to keep him engaged.
“You make me so wet”
“Never Stop”
“That feels amazing”
“Does that feel good?”
“I can feel your dick throbbing”
“I want you here right now”
“I want You so bad”
“I was thinking about you today”
“ oh fuck me, Just Like That”
“You make me want to scream”
“Fill me up”
” I'm curious honey what porn makes you. Hard“
“Fuck me like you mean it”
“Harder”
“I feel tiny in your arms”
“I love you”
“I love your dick”
“I want your cum”
“Kiss Me”
“Make me cum baby”
“Seeing you right after a workout”
“Taste Me”
“Your cock is stretching me out”
“I'm not wearing my panties today“
Feel free to share you favourites with me.
Oh God, this felt amazingly good to write. I am sooo ready for him.
S_XXX
#christian wife#happyhousewife#relationship#connection#confession#open minded#exposure therapy#christian blog
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Thought I’d show you how I’ve been going about my digital drawings - I just discovered that you can video procreate - so maybe I’ll do one of those in the future, but for the Ryan and Oliver digital drawings I did, I can show you my layers and how I worked because I was taking screenshots of my progress!!!
First up Oliver
So original photo
my line sketch - with colour coding as it was easier to do it this way!
Background done
colour blocking - ngl I actually really like it when it looked like this it just tickles the right part of my brain!
Now all the colours are sudged together and I've added in some of the texture
Finished piece!
Now onto Ryan!
Original Photo
Line drawing - he looks like a sailor because I went a bit ott with lining in the beard!
Background and clothes done!
Working on the skin - the neck was actually a real challenge!
Arm and ear finished
Face in progress - he looks so creepy without eyes and I spent soooo long on his lips - I think I erased them like 4 times - but it was worth it because I am soo happy with how they turned out!
one eye in progress
Then I was annoyed with eyes so I did some of his hair before going back to his second eye!
Final piece
and there you have it - me with zero procreate or digital drawing experience having a mess around with the brushes and seeing what I could actually do and I'm obsessed with how they both turned out!
I've been doing some tutorials on procreate - so hopefully I'll get better now I"m learning how to alter the brushes and things!
Hope you enjoyed this little look at how I created my two pieces - I'm going to look at getting prints done (when I have the actual time to do the research!) so if anyone would be interested in prints please let me know in the comments and I'll let you know once I have everything sorted out!
#kym creates#kym art#digital art#process#eddie diaz#911 abc#evan buckley#ryan guzman#oliver stark#buddie#911 art#911 fan art#911 fanart#right I'm off to do some work on my metas as I have been slacking today and have a mountain to climb to get them finished!
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Fault
i wrote this while watching apocalipsisminecraft :D
Anyway, I'm not very good at writing dialogues, so I hope it's okay
Yandere!Dazai x Reader
English is not my mother tongue, sorry for the mistakes
summary: you deal with the silent treatment after an argument.
tw: angst¿, toxic relationship, manipulation
The silence is simply punishing, it always was. Your body was intact, balled up on your bed, but your mind wasn't as lucky. The silent treatment was a problem, one that hurt more than you'd like to admit, but your still-wet cheeks gave you away.
It hurt you that Dazai ignored you. You had tried to distract yourself in a thousand ways these days: you went out with your friends (the few you had left), spent the days away from home, concentrated on your hobbies. Nothing seemed to work, it's as if Dazai had planted a seed in your psyche that keeps growing and growing, every day his silence was getting worse.
You can't win an argument because this is what happens, talking or complaining about Osamu's toxic behavior would only ensure you that wordless jail. You had every right to complain! Because of him you lost many friends, he distanced you from them in a way that made you only realize it when it was too late, after you had already cut the total bond with them and they didn't want to see you again.
You don't blame them either, if a friend had a toxic boyfriend and ignored you for him all day, not letting help them, you would be angry too. They have been very patient because they know the details of your life with Dazai well, but everyone has limits.
Now you are alone, even Dazai doesn't seem to love you.
You try to hold back your tears at that thought, but it is impossible, you can only cover your mouth with your hand to hide your sobs. That's one of the things you had tried to avoid, if Dazai really loved you he wouldn't do this to you.
He knows of your suffering and yet he continues to treat you as if you were a ghost, you can't help but doubt his feelings for you. You think that maybe you are just a sadistic desire of his, that he only wants to pretend to love you and then leave you abandoned like a toy. Yes, you are just that, his toy.
There's not much to complain about either, you're aware of your situation and yet here you are, by his side. It's not that you wouldn't have tried to leave him, you did once, but he came back to beg your forgiveness and you simply couldn't refuse. You become weak with just one look from him.
And that cycle was always repeating itself. Whenever there was a fight big enough to overshadow your love for Osamu, he was the one who apologized. You wished it was like that this time too, but it's not.
Know what, fuck it, who needs friends anyway? You need Dazai, it hurts not being together with him. It eats you up inside with anger and shame for letting yourself fall for his manipulation, but what else are you going to do? You're not going to keep crying in bed until you fall asleep.
You head towards the living room where you know for sure that Dazai is, watching TV. He doesn't even turn to look at you even though you are sure he heard your footsteps.
“Osamu.” Saying his name is a mixture of pain and love that infiltrates your brain. Sometimes you wish you had never met him, but you think better of it when you remember that he is the only one who loves you. Who else could love you with your attitude?
He still does not respond and a look of sadness invades you, you try to remove it, but it comes back each time. Finally you give up, Dazai already knows how weak and useless you are and knows well your character, so you allow yourself to cry.
You don't hesitate to lie on his body and hug him while you try to form a sentence, any sentence, but only incoherent sobs come out.
You don't see Osamu's reaction, you just wish he was as affected as you are. He wraps his arms around you and kisses the crown of your head lovingly. You missed him so much, you don't even know how you managed to survive these days without his love and touch. “What is it, Belladonna?”
You press your face against his chest as shame clutches tightly at your throat. He mocks you even your current state and that is like a stab in the heart, you feel the pain in every detail.
“You hate me, you hate me.” Stifled meaningless sobs come out of your mouth, but still Osamu manages to hear them.
“And why would you say such a stupid thing?”
“You were ignoring me! If you really loved me you wouldn't do that.”
“So now I'm the bad guy.” His tone of voice changes to a more distant one and his hug loses strength. In response you can only hug him tighter, afraid that, if you loosen his arms a little, he will leave you alone again. “You didn't try to talk to me either.”
You raise your gaze, an indignant one, which is accompanied by furrowed eyebrows. You want to look annoyed, but you just look pathetic.
“That's because you always do the same thing! We fight and you stop talking to me!” Pain trickles through your words, but Dazai doesn't seem to care enough to comfort you. “What am I going to humiliate myself for when I know you're going to ignore me?”
"Oh, poor little Belladonna, always the victim of the story." His condescending voice makes you feel like an idiot, you come to think that you really are. "Didn't you ever think I just needed space? Come on, you're so clingy and I was just trying to protect you from getting hurt.”
Seeing your puzzled expression, he can only laugh.
“Well of course you haven't thought about it. That cute little head of yours is good for nothing but victimization.”
“I- I'm sorry, I didn't know you felt this way...” Your voice trembles and his words linger in your mind. Maybe it's all your fault after all, you've never tried to put yourself in the opposite shoes and that makes you feel like the biggest useless.
The award for the worst partner in the world should be given to you, you think.
Dazai has no reaction at first, looking at you with those cold eyes, but they soften after a few seconds. He can't resist you after all.
Osamu's warm arms squeeze you again, you almost cry with joy thanks to how nice it feels to be held like that.
"It's okay, my sweet." Osamu ends up whispering near your ear, which sends a pleasurable shiver throughout your body. “Let me show you how much I love you now.”
and if I make a second part nsfw? 👀
#bsd x reader#bsd x you#yandere bsd#yandere#yandere bungou stray dogs#yandere dazai#dazai x reader#bsd dazai#dazai#dazai osamu
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My Thoughts On Why Astarion Acts The Way He Does
While I'm waiting for Baldur's Gate 3's cloud status to upload, I've been thinking. I've seen a lot on social media about people questioning why Astarion disapproves when your character wants to save the gnomes (since they are also under an abusive master) or assisting the refugees and how he is always wanting a reward instead of just doing something nice for the sake of it. And I've talked with people who have helped me put this into better words. At least I hope. So I wanted to explain my perspective as someone who was abused when a kid/teen/even early adult.
I fought my abusers whenever I could, figuring if it was going to happen, I'd piss them off, which was satisfying. I liked seeing them hurt when bad things happened to them. I enjoyed making them suffer as I was, even if it wasn't the same as how they abused me. Then when anyone else made me angry, I wanted them to hurt (I never physically fought because I didn't want the pain, but I wished suffering upon them.). If someone started issues with a different authority figure, it annoyed me quite a bit because then I have another problem. And what if my abusers found out I was involved when I wasn't because someone I was with was upsetting the authority figure? It would become just one more issue I had to deal with. Too many details and nuances to keep track of when my mind needed to focus on the first problem. It made sense to stay on the good side of authority figures to keep myself safe and avoid trouble.
For me, something had to be worth doing or my mind just went back to worrying about sh*t, back to the fight or flight survival response. I needed that reward dopamine. Getting praises wasn't doing it for me, since I would forget the good because of the bad. Trauma brain is funny like that. I needed something physical and worthwhile to make me happy.
It's the reason why Astarion is my favorite character that I connected with the most. Not because of his beauty (not that he isn't an elegant elven man. Just that it wasn't what got me to like him. I'd lean more toward Gale or Wyll if it was by appearance for the male companions, though seeing Astarion half-naked with abs was a real shocker. I seriously thought he was a skinny elf 😳), but because he reminds me so much of how I was and how my thought-process worked. How I kept people away by being rude just enough without them wondering if they should say something to my abusers. Because no matter how many times I told people outright I was being abused early on, no one helped, only tattle-told on me.
And I haven't even completed a playthrough yet. I only just got to the Elfsong before starting a Durge playthrough. First playthrough was an asexual Tav to get to know the characters and storyline (I kid you not, I made my Tav a Charlatan rogue then discovered Astarion was also a Charlatan rogue when I was in the forge 😂). As I got to know them a bit more, Astarion intrigued me the most and when Patch 7 came out, I decided to play a Durge Romance. The first Durge both traumatized me up to Act 2 and made me adore and respect Astarion even more. So yeah, I'm romancing him on this Modded Durge Romance playthrough despite Gale having an interest in me, who is the male companion I would connect with if Astarion wasn't a companion (I'm literally just starting the Underdark area and Gale is already at 100 approval while Astarion is at 79 approval. I wish I had a library, I do have a cat, and I love me some white or pink wine 😋).
This is what my perspective of why Astarion acts the way he does. He's not bad, per say. What happened to him for 200 years has made him what he is. Nobody can fix someone else, but they can be guided to help fix themselves. I've been working to fix myself since I got out of the situation. And I want to be the one to guide Astarion toward fixing himself.
If I think of more, I'll see about adding. For now, thank you for reading. I hope you have a great day. 😊
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Newly diagnosed trauma holder culture and recently only learning you have a system and not knowing what all these terms mean after years of everything being thrown at the wall to see what stuck with doctors. What is an Endo? Why is Traumagenic (me or us) a term? Are diction alters real or not? And why can't I know my alters the way others seem to define them as separate people? I'm all blurry all the time. It's so overwhelming learning all this stuff. Is it a bad thing to still mostly use singular pronouns when referring to ourselves even though I've been told there are about 12 distinct personalities? Is 12 a lot? It feels like a lot. What about the fear of being called a chronic liar? Am I bsing if I only just came to a name for my system?
(Can I be called 🦌🦇 sys anon?)
Woah okay ‼️ you’ve probably found answers to this by now cause this has been sitting in the inbox so long, but let’s take it one step at a time ^^
What is an Endo?: Endogenic systems (or endos for short!) are systems that claim to be formed by something other than trauma . Many traumagens don’t believe in endo systems, including us, but I don’t wanna tell you what to believe ‼️ do your own research on endo systems and plurality (cause I think there’s a difference ?? Idk‼️)
Why is Traumagenic a term?: has a lot to do with those that claim to be endos being more common‼️ it was created as a way to differentiate , but if you (like us) don’t believe in endos, there’s really no reason to use it . You still can , though ‼️ not here to police you ^^
Are [f]iction alters real or not?: I’m 90% sure you meant fiction and not diction , so I’ll go with this one . What you’re talking about are fictional introjects , also called fictives or fictites ‼️ And in that case, yes ‼️ They are real :3 introjection is a normal human process, but with the compartmentalization that CDDs cause , it takes that to the extreme with introjects ‼️ Fictives specifically can form if the media is a major player in a system’s life , and the brain believes an alter with the traits of a certain character could help the specific situation ^^
Why can’t I know my alters the way others seem to define them as separate people?: For starters, recognizing alters as alters instead of fully separate people is actually really good for healing ‼️ (NOTE: if you see your alters as separate people, that’s not inherently a bad thing ‼️ the fact is though , they aren’t . I’m not going to tell you what terms to use for your system , and you’re within your right to refer to alters as different people ‼️ I’m just stating a fact :>) and about knowing your alters , that comes with time . We’re still trying to figure out all of us ^^
Is it a bad thing to refer to ourselves with singular pronouns?: No ‼️ that’s your choice , and whatever makes you most comfortable is the correct option :> we use plural pronouns because that’s more comfortable , but using singular is just as valid ^^
Is 12 a lot?: That really depends ^^ your brain needed 12 separate alters to survive your trauma , so by that logic it’s not ‼️ and even if it was , that’s not a bad thing ^w^ take your time with your system :3
What about the fear of being called a chronic liar?: Denial is a huge part of CDDs ‼️ they’re meant to be covert, so discovering them is usually very difficult . And remember , you and your psychologists a know your experiences the best . Listen to your doctors , and evaluate your own experiences . If you aren’t a system , there’s no shame ‼️
Am I bsing if I only just came to a name for my system? Nope ‼️ you aren’t even required to have a system name , it’s just something a lot of us do :3 and if you mean just figuring out your experiences had a name , you wouldn’t be in that case either ^^ Either way , you aren’t bsing anon :3
Whew, this was a long one ‼️ hope you’re doing better now , anon ! Ik this took a while to get to :<
#🦌🦇 anon#did system#osdd system#actually did#actually osdd#anti endo#did osdd#endos fuck off#osddid#endos dni#trauma holder culture is#trauma holder#mod K🎉‼️
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Lily Orchard is very politically opportunistic and her posts on Palestine show how blatant this is. She presents herself as militantly anti-fascist and anti-hate, she claims to hate centrists who try to give fascists a space to speak (instead implying she'd be willing to use violence to stop them). But like, as soon as it comes to electoral topics, she aggressively, AGGRESSIGELY insists that the liberal centrist parties are the only viable option. Like, the guys she pretends to hate. To the point where she's victim blaming activists for Democrats losing the election and telling people not to listen to activists when they call for a boycott against the liberal centrists who are upholding the right for fascists to speak and politically act. She pretends to be a leftist, but it's blatantly performative, the reality is that she is centre right and she seems to hate herself for it. Kind of sad, honestly.
I've said something before here that Lily and I grew up in similar environments? Well, I honestly think that has something to do with it.
I grew up in a very right-wing household in a very right-wing community that like, I knew I knew from a very young age I wasn't ever going to be accepted in. Assigned Reject at Birth. You know, it's one of the many ways religious and right-wing spaces just tare apart interpersonal connections important to the human psyche. That makes a wound in people. I won't go into detail, but my home life was bad to begin with. Being queer just made it that much worse.
Before moving away for college, I very much believed I was the most left-wing any human being on this earth could possibly be. I thought I was going to be met with open arms and the unconditional human acceptance I had always wanted, even though I wasn't fully cognitively aware of that.
I wasn't. And I feel people were even less forgiving of my lack of leftist literacy because I was a queer AFAB and concluded there was no excuse for me to be as ignorant as I was.
Now, I know the discussion of the social policing and virtue grandstanding gets flattened of any nuance online so the right can use it against the left, so I want to make sure I'm clear with what I'm about to say. No, the left should not be tolerant of bigotry. No, not every right-wing nut job can be deradicalized by hand-holding them through their own come to Jesus moment. Nor is anyone owed that emotional energy from you. But when you were raised right-wing, even if you grew to resent it, a person needs time to be deprogrammed. And, I know this might upset people to hear, but you won't understand how much of a privilege it is to be raised in a more liberal household unless you weren't. People who were can sometimes be, what I feel is unreasonably hostile to those of us who don't know any better because we haven't had the chance to learn.
It also just so happens I started college in 2015, right when gamergate went down. And it was an art school. Really, it was a uniquely not very ideal environment to rid myself of right-wing brain worms. And in a very real way, it retraumatized me getting rejected for not having the sociopolitical context to understand everything I was expected to. I'm not blaming anyone in particular for that-- that is more an unfortunate symptom of the anti-social rot the right causes, but it wasn't a good time. I think some people could have been kinder, and to this day I do my best to be charitable with meeting people where they're at myself. And I do think there is a problem in the left, especially online, failing to read between the lines and respond appropriately-- especially when it comes to vocabulary choice. You know, sometimes people use dogwhistles without the proper context to understand they are dogwhistling, sometimes people are just genuinely misinformed and lack the language to ask the questions they have, and vocabulary does shape perception. Right-wing ideology only can survive on the basis of rigid, strict, conceptually or literally divine hierarchy. Right-wing language is shaped on the premise of that hierarchy. The reason why a lot of social progress doesn't make sense to right-wingers and is almost impossible to communicate properly in right-wing language is because it disregards the premise of that hierarchy. Right-wingers don't literally live in a separate reality, but they kind of functionally do. Mentally. For people who are more on the right, but open minded enough to genuinely learn and want to, it's better to use as their language as much as possible to explain to them things that can ease them out of the premise of that mental trap of explicit social hierarchy in a gentler fashion.
With all that said, the root cause was still that right-wing upbringing.
I feel I have more than enough reason to very confidently say Lily went through a very similar experience to me. A shitty childhood for a lot of reasons, but one of them for sure being a queer person in an extremely right-wing household. She has a hypersensitivity to feeling shame and will go to extreme measures to avoid it, she feels isolated and desperate for acceptance in an extremely unhealthy way. In one regard she was knee-capped significantly in her ability to function socially that I wasn't, in that her parents decided she was a simpleton when she was very young, basically wrote her off and conditioned her to never take accountability. Though being overly critical of children is equally harmful (though in different ways), dismissing a child of all agency because you think they're too stupid to handle it can result in a lot more damage to everyone around them aswell as themselves and is a form of emotional neglect.
Online I think she searched out for a community that would accept her, and when that did not work out for her, when she experienced that retraumatization again of rejection . . . She took some very interesting lessons away from that. The wrong ones.
And, glass houses, it took me a whole journey aswell to get where I am. But I was conditioned to internalize social rejection, for better or worse. Lily was not. She is aggressively, profoundly, depressingly incapable of self-reflection, in healthy or in unhealthy amounts-- and even though that's not wholly her fault, she's a big girl now, and she's the only one left to accept responsibility for that. As someone myself who feels deeply angry at the ways I was psychologically damaged, I'm speaking as someone who has accepted that dwelling on how unfair it is that I have to be held accountable for that isn't going to improve my situation.
Believe it or not, I don't think Lily is inherently stupid. I think she was treated like she was stupid since she was young, and has put a lot of energy into pantomiming intellectualism instead of actually learning stuff. Again, glass houses, I also learned how to pretend I am smarter than I actually am out of an extreme aversion to shame-- but I can tell I have more actual knowledge, interest and curiosity to learn than Lily does.
I don't think Lily has any interest in learning about left-wing politics, and I don't think she has actually deprogrammed herself from the right-wing environment she was raised in. She has no motivation to care, and likely still is deeply bitter about the social rejection she's experienced in left-wing spaces. However, she has a lot of social capital to gain by PRETENDING she is.
And pretending is enough for the people she courts in her audience.
#lily orchard#lily orchard critical#anti lily orchard#lily peet#lily orchard stuff#lorch posting#youtube#liquid orcard#eldritch lily#usa politics#canada politics#politics
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first off, anti endos often insist that it's impossible, when science often doesn't state impossibility and searches for possibility instead.
i personally think people's internal experiences that have been documented online and offline for decades now is enough for me, but there is currently a study going on about tulpas with brain scans (this is their AMA on reddit because i don't think the study is technically "finalized" yet, but they are doing research into this). i'd like for there to be more direct comparisons between endogenic systems, DID/traumagenic systems, and singlet controls, but science takes time, and the doctors are also mostly trusting peoples personal experience because they can't read minds yet.
i also think that the idea of a "self" is a bit flimsy and is also currently being studied (alongside why we are even conscious in the first place and how consciousness works), so unless we get to a point where we can say "everyone has one solid identity and you cant make multiple without this this and this, and this is why, this is what happens if you try, and this is why we think everyone is a singlet without trauma" for certain, we shouldn't insist without evidence that endogenic systems aren't experiencing plurality.
i have read some of sophie's studies and research links, and some from the guardians system's google document, which so far makes me believe that it's understandably possible, at least in some form, to have multiple 'selves' without trauma. alongside, you know, personal anecdotal experience, the knowledge that the brain can already create "separate people" with trauma, and the knowledge the brain is very suggestible and moldable. it would not be impossible, in my eyes, to create some similar experience. if there are any further research papers that show a distinct difference, then i'd like to see them when they come out, but for now, the research says that people have plural experiences.
you also bring up maladaptive daydreaming, which is a bit strange to bring up because that's... also, possibly, a disorder. afaik, it's not officially a disorder in the DSM, but it's something that people have struggles with. i don't believe that it's the same as endogenic plurality identically, unless there are research papers in the future on maladaptive daydreamers and endogenic plurals that show they are the same and prove me wrong. but it's kinda weird to say that they potentially have an entirely different disorder that's not officially even in the DSM.
i'm not saying that i know for 100% undeniable fact that endogenic plurals are really plural in the same way DID/OSDD systems are, but from what i've seen, i do believe people when they say they are plural. and for anti-endos to say that they are impossible is wild without proof.
so, where are the papers showing the consensus that they're not real and that they're experiencing a symptom of a disorder (that's not in the DSM)? are they in the room with us? i'd love to see your evidence!
(and genuinely, again, if they are better and more logical and have loads of scientific backing, i'll take a bit to consider it, and if i end up siding with you, then... idk, i'm on the side of science still, just to me right now it seems that endogenic systems are systems, and i prefer to trust people at their word and listen to their experience unless i have good evidence against it!)
also, one more thing, weird to say that they're roleplaying in the reblog i responded to before, and then say that they're maladaptive daydreaming the next reply? again, maladaptive daydreaming is considered disordered behavior and while i currently don't know the status on if it's going to be recognized as a disorder, it's weird to compare that to roleplaying. maladaptive daydreamers are experiencing a disorder, which may be triggered or influenced by trauma similar to how plurality can be (with, yk, the disorder called DID?).
to me, this would be like comparing someone being overdramatic to get their way to someone having a meltdown because of autism or something. yes, they're both kicking and screaming, but one's overstimulated and reacting instinctively, and one's trying to manipulate you.
similarly, maladaptive daydreaming as a maladaptive experience... is, you know, disorderly? not healthy? not the same thing as roleplaying? often involuntary, as far as i am aware?
could be wrong on that but i just noticed that and wanted to comment on it. probably should keep your story straight yk.
(starting off, we are a traumagenic did system. we have did.)
endogenic systems are absolutely punk and they belong in punk spaces (pluralpunk, systempunk, whatever) and here’s why:
- punk is about embracing who you are and living your life authentically and unapologetically
- punk is about not letting other people dictate how you live your life and who you can be
- punk is about radical acceptance, equality, and solidarity
- punk is about rejecting authority and the establishment (and yes, this includes the medical establishment which is often ableist and causes disabled people real, long lasting harm)
there is no room for anti endos in punk. being anti endo literally is being anti punk. learn more about what punk means, and do better.
#the yapperrrr#although people like this anger me a bit and i need a place to yell so. you get me yapping on my blog#dont like it? block me like the last 7 anti endos who couldn't handle being asked for sources for their insistence on the idea-#-that non-traumagenic plurality is literally impossible
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one of the weird aspects of my loneliness and attempts to date is that a VERY high percentage of people i find attractive on dating apps have "t4t" in their bio. idk what this says about me or where my attraction lies. but that's not the point.
I'm used to that feeling of not being "an option" to certain people, like knowing that a woman i find interesting/attractive wouldn't even consider dating me because she wants a man who has a higher education or someone who works out at the gym. I'm used to not being attractive enough, wealthy enough, smart enough... to have a chance. but since i realized i was queer, a new factor of exclusion now applies to me, something I have never even thought about before.
being cis makes me unwanted to certain people. it's not even a "not ... enough". it's something else entirely.
strange feeling.
#I'm giving up anyway#I'm too mentally ill to be able to date or have a partner#god this knowledge hurts so badly#my social worker told me once that in recovery there's never the right time to do something#you will never be stable enough or not-depressed enough or confident enough#you will always feel like you haven't reached some milestone that you think you need to reach to do certain things#and i understand what he meant#like if you're able to try you should try#but there is the reality of trying and failing because of the illness#and there is the reality that recovery isn't always possible#I'm not getting better because this is just what my brain is like now#there's a lot of things i cannot do anymore#I'm not enough
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hope you feel better soon!
I am riddled with ailments, but I stay silly!
#ask#non mdzs#My health journey has been: Hernia -> acid reflux -> Vocal pain due to aforementioned reflux -> chest infection.#I'm terrified to know what's about to hit me next. Please let it be something kind. PLEASE.#The consequence of living with linguists is that you'll wake up with a wacked up voice -#suddenly you're sitting you down in front of a program called something like Praat having your shimmer and jitter levels calibrated.#They gave me a GRBAS of 33012. I have a fun thing called a pitch break where a whole octave just does not exist.#My vocal pain was bad enough I ended up seeing a speech pathologist and that whole experience was super neat!#I learnt a lot about voice - to be honest I might make a little comic on it after some more research. Fascinating stuff.#For example; your mental perception of our voice modulates the muscles of the vocal folds and larynx.#meaning that when you do have changes (inflammation = more mass = lower frequency)#your brain automatically attempts to correct it to what it 'should sound like'. Leading to a lot more vocal strain and damage!#And it gets really interesting for trans voice care as well - because the mental perception of one's voice isn't based on an existing sampl#So a good chunk of trans voice training is also done with the idea of finding one's voice and retraining the brain to accept it. Neat!#Parkinsonial Voice also has this perception to musculature link! The perception is that they are talking at a loud/normal volume#but the actual voice is quite breathy and weak. So vocal training works on practicing putting more effort into the voice#and retraining the brain to accept the 'loud' voice as 'normal'.#Isn't the human body fascinating?#Anyhow; Now I have vocal exercises and strategies to reduce strain and promote healing.#Which is a lot better than my previous strategy of yelling AAAH in my car until my 'voice smoothed out'.#You can imagine the horror on the speech path's face. I am an informed creature now.#I'm my own little lab rat now. I love learning and researching. Welcome to my tag lab. Class is dismissed.#I'll be back later with a few more answered asks </3 despite everything I'm still going to work and I need the extra sleep.#Thank you for the well wishes! And if you read all of that info dump; thank you for that as well!
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Every time you think, "Oh, I don't have [x condition], I'm basically cured!" that is the devil talking. You aren't cured, you are likely going through periods of your symptoms waning. Don't cease whatever you're doing to help yourself, like medication, for instance, because it's likely you still have the conditions or symptoms, even if you aren't noticing them as frequently or severely.
#disability#this is a callout post about myself#i genuinely thought my GAD was cured because my symtoms had lessened significantly since i've transitioned#turns out my anxiety is just as killer and awful - it's just muted slightly#i am currently laying down with my brain convinced that i'm About To Have a Heart Attack#(and not in the fun demi lovato kind of way)#(that song is a little over a decade old... what the bingle)#anyway please don't do what i do whenever i experience ANY level of symptoms getting better because it will shock you...#...when those symptoms come back and remind you that you Do Indeed have [x condition]#i now know how a wolf girl feels when they say they are Actually Feral because that's how i feel rn 💀#even I'M not immune to the idea that the things i suffer from are things that can Disappear Magically 😭#it's wishful thinking and almost like... imposter syndrome because you're *so* desperate to prove to yourself you're Fine or A Faker#and you become hyperfixated on picking every tiny little waxing and waning of symptoms like you're a fortune teller#and honestly it's really stiffling and it's a lot of work to kill the cop in your head that says you are secretly Not All That Affected...#...that you're either exaggerating to the Extreme or you're just a bored faker who's trying to Get Attention (bad somehow)
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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hey
#so i've been dealing with some irl stuff recently#nothing too bad. it was just really frustrating and exhausting for me. and really putting a damper on my mood and my art#and i'm sorry if i've been acting a little weird or not saying too much or anything#or if i've been kinda inactive for the past few days#but i'll be okay!#i just wanted to let you guys know what's been kinda going on#i'm slowly working on something really sweet involving Hugo and Noa. so that's been making me feel better#i need something happy and soft between them lol#also! I've been playing The Quarry recently!#the writing is kinda stupid and almost all of the characters act like they don't have a brain. but that's what makes it so fun!#and i'm pretty sure the devs did that intentionally. to make it seem more like a campy monster flick#i'm really enjoying it so far! the werewolves are really cool!#also it's really funny to me how they just pop like balloons whenever they're transforming#i thought it was gonna be a slow transformation. but no. their skin just immediately explodes off#and then they somehow get it all back when they turn back into humans? idk how that works but it's pretty rad#also also! the thing with the tarot cards is really cool!#i missed a lot in the beginning because i didn't know what i was looking for#and the fortune teller lady in between chapters kept getting mad at me for not finding any#but i eventually started to get it! when the game decided to really put one in my face in chapter 3 lol#and the thing with the tarot cards representing the different characters in the game got me thinking about what card Noa would probably be#i think Seven of Swords would be right up her alley#because it's associated with deception. dishonesty. betrayal. and acting strategically#and it could also signify self-deception and confessions. which is all very true for her character#aaahh now i wanna make a tarot card design for her!#but that's an idea for another day#anyway sorry for sorta rambling a bit#i hope you all are doing okay
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I'm so. I hate knowing that limiting movement, tasks that require brainpower, sights, and sounds for a few days will make my random fatigue nausea loss of appetite brain fog difficulty following long blocks of information headaches nosebleeds and heart palpitations improve by a lot mysteriously but doing all that is so BORING. Every week my body says I will kill us both if you do literally anything this weekend and every time I am like but what if it's different this time
#broooooo. bro#then people ask me why i need so much alone time. it's because i will start to fucking die otherwise#i hateee this#i feel like it has gotten worse in the past couple of years since i moved here#i always did have brain fog even when i was a kid but it's like. it involves the whole body now#what am i doing what vitamins am i deficient in#last time i had my blood checked during a bad fatigue phase it was normal blood#so then i assumed it was autism burnout from years of just ignoring it and pushing through#because i'd get better after i rested and because there always has been a social element#but now i'm like . can i fix this with a vitamin. is there a medication
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if you don’t mind me asking, how in the everloving fuck did you get mercury AND arsenic poisoning?? is that common??
siiiiiiiiiiiigh.
so, no...thankfully, my dear, sweet darling:
i don't think it's terribly common, ( neither was the arsenic i guess, but i'll get into that ) but it is when you're stupid as fuck like me.
because i am too lazy to type it all out again and don't have it in me to be eloquent ( i am saving that for writing about the boys, now that i, thankfully, can coherently write again ) i will send you the synopsis that i sent elite sickfic style dr. ana ( god's fucking angel )
**it's the updated, more articulate ( give or take ) version because i tried to explain it to the girls the day i got home ( take it easy on them please, i couldn't text or call and gave them quite a fright, ily girlies ) unfortunately, i was still not super good at making words and processing things, so i wrote this now that i am functioning better.
sorry for spooking you all about the parasite; long story short, it was not as deadly as i thought -- I DID, HOWEVER, STILL HAVE A VERY NASTY BACTERIAL INFECTION, LIKE WHEN I SAY NASTY, I MEAN VERY, VERY, VERY BAD AND I WAS FIGHTING IT CONCURRENTLY WITH THE PARA WHICH MADE IT SEEM A LOT WORSE, VERY ASS!
but long story, medium:
alright! gather round kids --
it's uncle nina story time.
tw for gross medical stuff / me being in mentally ill hell
anyways, looking forward to sharing my writing with you all again and answering my asks if we still care!
love you and hyh,
metal head uncle nina
#uncle nina: village idiot#kind of; i am glad my brain still works#when i tell yall i wasnt writing bc my body was so weak from my bac infection and the crazy metal poisoning me#that i could not think clearly it was hard to talk it was hard to move i was very very very frightened and very light sensitive#i do have bipolar but i was seriously worried i was lowkey schizophrenic for a second there bc i was starting to hallucinate#i am not! just psychosis from the stress and toxic amount of certain elements in my body! whew! jerseykyle moment#my tinnitis is starting to get better and sounds are less scary now i do still get these intense flashes of light in my vision#i'm talking like 80s slasher movie strobe lights like someone turned off the light and turned it back on it fucking sucks#i do still think they should skin biop me for the bac for anythin it caused but fuck if i'm seeing another dr. fuuuck no baby!#but yeah scary when i tell you i thought everything was contaminated ( which it kind of was and was why the para wouldnt clear )#there was ( i think ) a lot of it because i didn't catch it very quickly and or didn't know what it was or what to do because#the doctors wouldn't listen to me about it ( and specifically failed to catch my super serious bacteria infection which#became resistant to several antibiotics which they piled me with to treat conditions that i DID NOT HAVE THX AHOLES )#idk just be gentle with me i am a little fragile just bc its weird to be back to normal and okay again ( i do take a lot of meds )#and i am sorry for all the neglected asks i very much want to answer them and hope to get back to you soon#i love you and sorry if this is tmi i like to be honest with yall
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i really need to finish this one day
#one of my fave ideas but i keep getting stuck or starting over. third time's the charm hopefully#anyways. posting it as an excuse to rant because i'm losing my mind over this rn for no reason#incoherent but i just need to Talk or my brain won't shut up#you ever think about how fucked up it is that aoi feels guilty over what happened. i do. i think about her a lot#he can't even look at me. we aren't even blood related but he still had to go to jail because of me. i still love him#in reality none of it is her fault. it shouldn't be about doumeki in the first place. baby girl you were 15 when it happened.#you can say that yashiro is cruel in his dismissiveness (on the surface) of doumeki's trauma but you can see where he's coming from#you got a glimpse of what your sister was going through? of what i went through? and now you're sooo guilty over it? and who does it help?#doumeki's so focused on his own feelings that he ignored aoi when they were living together. “saves” her by pure chance#proceeds to focus on his guilt and ignore her again. if yashiro didn't get involved she'd be sitting in the rain for god knows how long#yet she still loves and to some degree idolizes him#yashiro and aoi both saying that doumeki isn't the type of person to be a yakuza too. doumeki's good doumeki's better than that#and then ch 24 happens. where yashiro says that he's going to throw up and doumeki's response is “i probably won't stop even if you do”#“guess i am like my father after all” and yashiro still goes “you're not. you're pure and im the problem”#(touches doumeki's face. rare gentle gesture. he's gentle afterwards too before leaving. man.)#he's not cruel enough to repeat what he said in the earlier conversation and he doesn't actually believe it anyway#but i wish yashiro was cruel there. it shouldn't have been about doumeki and his feelings. again.#something about yashiro throwing a knife at another person and it flying back at him huh#for all the talk about how doumeki supposedly romanticizes yashiro it really is the other way around. always has been#which is a whole other conversation but yeah. everything about aoi and yashiro in relation to doumeki makes me so fucking sad#but this is also what i mean when i say that aoi doesn't haunt the narrative per se but still has this weird presence?#she's in the parallels. she's in the brief but important mentions. she's in the “your sister was lucky she had you”.#wips tag
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not me curling my laptop charger wire the way you curl band equipment cords HAHAHA god i miss it
#i really said “okay big performance in the city square let's make this work” and i did but absolute fuckery of the manager just made me...#and she also used to complain about being an opening act-- like come on that's a nationally-renowned band and we're not there yet 😭#we used to fight a lot though so ack i really should have taken that as a red flag#but i was 14 and stupid 🤷♂️#being solo way better uM i shouldn't say this yet but i got a commission today audhauagah i don't even have a portfolio#fuck guys i'm so so so nervous from big changes in life because uM god i just came from actual hell with various things working to make me#kms#but uH we're uH not too keen on that anymore atm and uH it's probably going to all fuck up after i share that i have good news in life#but yk what#let's keep challenging god#i know he hates me#but we will not be defeated we will strangle him by the tie#AHHHH help me i want to get into music again pls pls pls pls pls#anyway back to my old band manager#she was known for being a shitwad in the scene anyw but i was young and stupid as i sais#and i defended her and rationalized her behavior because “we're friends right”#i'm starting to get why my mom is wary of people i get to know#i'm tbh a fucking idiot i would never admit that elsewhere (nah i do) uM my brain is bouncing off the walls#i took a bargain with 7pm coffee and look where it got me#i was also getting up there in my 5 days of uni absences agsgshags#DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY READ THESE I KINDA HOPE NOW NO ONE DOES#IM KINDA UHHH MY CHILD THERAPIST SAID UNCONVENTIONAL#I THINK SHE MEANT FUCKING CRAZY#sorry#oh yeah i walked tf out the band after that big performance set up just for us because i couldn't keep working with that kind of environment#other bands started flocking to recruit or proxy after i was let go by my famously fucked-up ex-manager LOL#but um i have issues so i'm not among them and i think they get the message tbh#appears and disappears#that is actually my brand
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