#I'm not aromantic myself but romantic attraction doesn't come easy for me

[shslpunkartist99]

"#I think they would all have aromantic as well?" … w e l p. looks like I'll have to drop my Oreo x Keith, Pachinko x Xeno, and Cherri x Naomi x Amelia comfort ships then

DON'T YOU DARE

KEEP THEM FOREVER

[agressivelyaro]

Why I'm no longer using the label non sam aro

I don't really talk abt my label usage/personal stuff a lot but I wanted to shed some light on actual aro experiences being out irl. I feel like tumblr is often an echo chamber of aro acceptance and it's easy to forget not everyone irl understands the community as well as people online.

I've used the label non sam aro for a while, and aromantic for even longer. I did briefly identify as ace but did not come out to anyone in my life/let them know I was using that label, and soon found out that I'm not ace.

Recently, people have been assuming or erasing parts of my identity. From adding ace to the aro, or completely ignoring my aromanticism and just calling me ace. it's uncomfortable to be forced into a box, let alone one that doesn't fit you at all. I've corrected people before but every time it's a fruitless effort

In order to avoid this, I'm now using the label aromantic bisexual. I like the label bi, I feel like it's a good descriptor of me and I have used it in the past. I feel like, when I'm not providing a sexuality, people take it upon themselves to fill that gap with the term asexual despite me having never mentioned it before.

I think a part of it is people not liking to think about sexual attraction without any romantic. in order to 'justify' my aromanticism, they feel like I have to be ace.

In calling myself bi, I'm hoping that people will have no choice to avoid the idea of another part of my identity. If I provide a label completely separate to the one they're putting on me, they'll have to choose the one I chose. Even if people then erase my aromanticism, at least they'll be calling me bisexual, a label that I chose myself.

TLDR: I'm no longer calling myself non sam aro, and am instead calling myself aromantic bisexual, in the hopes that people irl stop forcing the asexual label on to me.

[lacrimosathedark]

Asexuality Basics (because some of yall don't know and I wanna help!)

Hi! Happy Pride Month!

I'm demirose (I think? Shit's confusing) and I've found myself explaining asexuality a LOT recently. So, I had the thought of making a post about common misconceptions.

And if you have any questions, feel free to ask! I know not everyone likes to be interrogated about their sexuality, but this is me opening that door. I like educating people and hope to build more understanding in the community!

That said, do know that if you ask a question I don't want to answer, I won't.

Misconception 1: You can't be asexual if you have sex

Asexuality, like every other sexuality, isn't connected to actions or bodily functions. It's all about how you feel.

Plenty of gay people have ended up in straight relationships and having families. That doesn't make them not gay.

Bisexual people having a same sex partner doesn't mean they are no longer attracted to other sexes/genders.

Asexuality is the same. All it means is there is an absence of attraction.

Misconception 2: Asexual people are all sex-repulsed

Demonstrably untrue if you talk to an asexual person for a few minutes. I've known some asexual people to be some of the raunchiest people ever.

I, personally, as someone with mild sex-repulsion, was interested in sex from a scientific standpoint and wanted to learn all about it and why people are so fixated on it. I just wasn't personally interested in another person.

Everyone has different limits, and that's not dictated by our sexuality.

Sex repulsion isn't exclusive to aces either--allos(the spectrum of "normal"/not-asexual attraction) can also experience sex repulsion.

Easy examples of sex-repulsed allos includes people who are "prudish" usually because of how they were raised, people who might be squeamish to the idea of body fluids, people who are generally touch-averse, people who choose to be celibate, and some people with sexual trauma. All of this and more can cause anyone to choose not to seek out sex, but still be attracted to people.

Misconception 3: Asexual people have no/low libidos

Like every other sexuality, your interest in others is not connected to your sex drive. Your body can still want something while you aren't attracted to another person.

And there are plenty of allo people with very low sex drives. That doesn't make them asexual either.

Libido is a normal bodily function that everyone experiences differently and often fluctuates with your hormones. And unlike sexuality, it can be effected by medications that effect your hormones.

Misconception 4: Asexual people don't like relationships

This usually comes from conflating asexuality with aromanticism.

While usually romantic and sexual attraction are one and the same, (like you would assume someone homosexual is also homoromantic) when it comes to aces and aros, they're very separate.

Asexual people just, usually, don't look for sex in a relationship. But can still experience romantic feelings and desire romantic companionship.

Aromantic people on the other hand can experience sexual attraction, but don't experience romantic attraction.

And even then, they can still want that companionship akin to a committed romantic relationship. This is often a queerplatonic relationship, which is a committed relationship based on platonic feelings. Kind of like literalizing the concept of marrying your best friend.

A lot of the community are aroace, but plenty of aces identify as heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, panromantic, etc.. Much the same way, aros can be heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, etc..

Misconception 5: Asexual people don't have sex

This is a big one. Which I find odd because attraction isn't the only reason allos have sex either!

So, as stated above, aces can still have a sex drive without attraction and can seek out sex to scratch that itch so to speak.

There's also the very obvious, to procreate. You can be asexual and want a family. And honestly, in-vitro sounds expensive and like a huge hassle, so why not avoid that if you can?

There's also wanting to experience physical and emotional intimacy with a partner! This is the big one for me; my own sex-repulsion will greatly lessen if I think about it as intimacy rather than like...gross body fluid stuff. It's a way to be as physically close to someone as you can, and vulnerability and communication are important for sex, which spurs emotional intimacy.

You could do it to please a partner. Which can easily be unhealthy ie. allowing someone to "use" you against your unspoken will. But it can also be a genuine expression of affection. If you are neutral or positive towards sex and have maybe a romantic partner who is sexually attracted to you, it can be just another way to show you care, just like cuddles and kisses and stuff.

And I might be not thinking of other reasons, but anyone can have a million reasons why they do anything! It's the same here.

Misconception 6: Asexual and Allosexual are clearly divided black and white

Nope! Like pretty much everything nowadays, specially sexuality, it's a spectrum! Or should I say a gradient in this case?

Look, there's even grey on our flag!

Asexual is an umbrella term, and there are plenty of sub-categories, but there are two big ones!

Greysexual is basically experiencing sexual attraction is like seeing a unicorn. It's not impossible, but it is shockingly rare. And there's lots of levels to that too! Someone could consider themselves greyace just because they experience attraction less frequently than their person. And that's okay!

The other big one is demisexual (that's me!), which means an emotional connection needs to be established before sexual attraction can occur. I've found this leads to lots of fictional crushes and few real people crushes, and those real people crushes being on people I admire or are friends with. It might come off as being picky or cautious, but there is genuinely no attraction before that emotional connection.

Those are the big things off the top of my head! Think of any more or have any questions, feel free to says so!

Happy Pride!!!

[letrashbag]

Alright, I've been looking at all the queer crap, so Imma rant about that today. (I also accidentally reblogged a Nimona post on here instead trashlikesmedia so oops, but you can see where I started.)

Labels suck but I need them so there. I consider myself asexual, I came to this conclusion last summer. I've never been in a relationship, never really had any crushes. I always joked about how I had a crush on this guy in like 3rd grade and he liked my best friend (who I didn't actually like but that's a different story), and I've never loved since, but like it's true. I haven't. I always had this idea that I just hadn't met someone worth crushing on. I would ask people how they got into relationships and they'd always be like "just be yourself, one day the right guy will come along and it'll all work out" which was not helpful at all. My younger sibling is queer and they kind of introduced me to a lot of different identities and ideas, and it just kind of grew from there. It all started with me acknowledging the fact that I didn't want to sleep with women, and I felt the same way about women as I do about men, so I'm bi? pan? ace? It took a while to get comfortable with it, but now I'm here confidently ace.

Then the romantic side of things got tough. I've been on exactly one date (it was terrible, I did not like the guy and he did not put in a lot of effort and it was so uncomfortable), and I've only ever really had one crush on a guy and it was such a weird experience, that I couldn't figure out what was going on. (that was actually last summer and part of me realizing I was ace was being excited to hang out and talk with him but physically recoiling when I even thought about kissing him), so romance was not my thing. I do identify as aromantic, because it's the label that most closely matches my feelings and experiences, but I still feel like it's not right. I don't know if it's because I genuinely am alloromantic, or because I so desperately crave romance.

The big deal of it all is that I grew up in a not great family environment. My parents hate each other, especially my mom to my dad. They have been outwardly antagonistic towards each other for as long as I can remember. (I think the only reason they haven't gotten divorced is because it would be too expensive and my mom doesn't want to lose my dad's paycheck.) That contrasted really sharply with all the romance I would read about and see in movies and stuff. I'm a big reader and I have always loved romance. So I grew up with this reality of a terrible relationship and a fantasy of a perfect romance. I constantly worried that I would either settle for a terrible relationship because I thought that was realistic or end up alone because nothing matched my standards. Now, I don't know if my aromantic feelings are just because I'm scared of relationships and all of that nonsense or if I'm just genuinely not attracted to people. It keeps me up at night. At the end of the day, I just vibe and hope that everything works out.

In regards to gender, boy howdy do I have feelings. Cause like, gender isn't real, it's a social and cultural concept that people cling to because they like order. This is not invalidating trans people, gender and body dysmorphia is a very real thing and associating your identity, experiences, and sense of self with a gender and/or sex is normal, whether it aligns with your gender assigned at birth or not. My sentiment is more about the way society views gender as 1) a binary that aligns perfectly with sex and 2) an inflexible and constant pillar of identity that comes before any other identifiers. This is where I got beef. At the end of the day, your personal experience of gender is just that, personal. It's a part of who you are, but it's also influenced heavily by the way society views gender and gender norms, that's inevitable. My personal feelings are just complicated. I identify as a woman and use she/her pronouns because it's easy, not because I feel particularly aligned with the female gender. I'm not uncomfortable being perceived as a woman, but I also just don't care. Gender just isn't something that I consider important to my identity. I am me, I love these things, I do these things, these are my opinions. Y'know? (It probably doesn't help that my sense of self is also just wack, but whatever.) Something that I am uncomfortable with is being viewed as a woman before being viewed as a person. I have always called myself an actor, not an actress. Cause what's an actor? Someone who acts. What's an actress? A woman who acts. Why should part of my identifier clarify that I am a woman? That just doesn't make any sense to me. This view is rooted in my feminist ideals as well, as I've always been an advocate of getting rid of gendered job titles, seeing as the masculine form is almost always the default. However, I can't help but correlate the feelings. I just want to be a person, not a woman. Most of my hesitation in reaching out to and looking into the genderqueer community is just imposter syndrome probably. I don't care about being a woman, I don't feel gender dysphoria, people on the street probably aren't going to hate crime me for not aligning myself with a binary gender, so why should I try to claim any of this. Maybe it's just me making up excuses and pretending to be queer so I can feel cool or special. Maybe all the queerphobes are right and I am pretending to aroace and nonbinary so I can fit in with all the cool kids without actually having to date a woman and transition. I know that's a messed up view. Everyone's experience with gender and sexuality is extremely unique and no one will fit into a single box. I'm allowed to have these feelings without hating myself. It's just hard and scary. But c'est la vie.

On a lighter note, I love the asexual pride flag, it's so pretty, and I love the aromantic pride flag, it is also very pretty. But the aroace flag isn't that great. The colors just don't itch my brain the way the asexual and aromantic flags do individually y'know?

Long post, but I got's lots of feelings. I'm sure I'll make a bunch of posts about queerness, it do be a thing, but this was a good way to get my base feelings just out there.

[advicesuggestions]

Hi!! You can ignore this if you want, it's OK.:) I was just looking for blogs on tumblr that help / advise LGBT people. (don't you know any please?) and I noticed your profile. Can i tell you something? I am desperate :(i'm a girl. I thought I was straight. I've always liked boys. But .. sometimes I ... like actresses. I've always said myself that this doesn't mean I'm bi, that's normal. I just think they're pretty. But .. it has happened to me a few times that .. well, for example, I have one classmate (she is 100% straight) and .. I don't know if I like her, probably yes? I could imagine kissing her, maybe others things, but sex itself probably not? I'm confused. I also tried to do orientation tests and it turned out that I was straight. But it is written somewhere that when somebody takes tests for orientation, he/she is probably not straight. I know I should know this by myself, whether I'm straight or not, .. I'm really confused. please would you help me ?? thank you very much. have a nice day and i hope i don't bother you!

desperate anon :(

Well first and foremost, My apologies for not answering this question when you asked. I didn't forget this, I never had tbh, I just didn't know how to tackle it since I wasn't fully sure of my own sexuality and gender identity at the time. I didn't feel fully qualified to answer this question, But I think I have an answer:

It's a struggle to realize a lot of things all at once. Experiencing and thinking things that tie along with the queer community is a lot to handle, especially if this is the first instance of questioning. Being lgbt or coming to the conclusion of being apart of the lgbt community isn't easy nor going to be easy for you. But, the first battle you'll have to face is questioning your sexuality, what thoughts and feelings are considered to be lgbt? do you actually find the same sex attractive? do you find both attractive? maybe the feelings you feel are platonic and maybe you've never actually felt romantic attraction?

On the rumor of "if you take gay quizzes, you probably are gay", A lot of folks in the lgbt community started off their journey by taking the "am I gay?" quizzes, I certainly did and now i'm a comfortable oriented-aromantic trans-dude. Usually the first step of knowing whether or not you're lgbt is if you take quizzes that simulate common stereotypical lgbt experiences. However, this doesn't mean anyone who takes those quizzes are automatically lgbt. It's all up to you to decide. Being informed of the diversity in the community is wonderful and I absolutely encourage you to delve deeper to (hopefully) find a label you feel comfy with. However, experience is key. You may like something in theory, it doesn't necessarily mean you will enjoy it in practice. Don't be afraid to experiment with your identity if you're willing to make that leap.

Side note: You can find someone attractive but not be attracted to the gender in particular, it's called conventional attraction. There's also a term that I suggest you look up: compulsory heterosexuality. This is a common experience with lesbians and the WLW community.

Another Side note: Romantic and Sexual attraction can go hand and hand but are not necessarily the same thing. You can romantically attracted to someone but not be sexually attracted to them. If you notice a lack of sexual attraction for the same sex but not for the opposite sex chances, you could be bisexual with a preference for women. If you notice a similar experience but vice versa, you could be a lesbian. If you notice a lack of sexual attraction for anyone regardless of identity, you could be asexual!

Again, this is YOUR experience, YOUR identity, only YOU are allowed to make the calls but never get scared to experiment. In my eyes, that's what the lgbt experience is. Just know that no matter what happens, who you end up loving/dating, you are incredibly welcome and valid in the community. I wish you luck on this journey!!

[Don't feel bad for asking this question. You aren't a bother at all. I hope that this very delayed answer will still provide some use and comfort in this path of yours. If you do ever desire to ask for more advice, feel free to send another ask or even a DM. Good Luck :] ]

-Mod K

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

im really confused bc i thought i was aro but i think i felt some romantic attraction to a cis boy in my school and and he is really nice but i promised myself i would never date/kiss/etc cis people bc it would make me feel super uncomfortable and now i found out he is straight too which is worse but im still confused about wether or not this was romantic attraction because im very likely autistic and have trouble identifying my own feelings and understanding what's happening with the people around me, understanding what I actually want and don't want and knowing what's the right thing to do in certain moments and im confused really confused (this boy gave signals of being queer like: being friends with queer people, holding my hand, painting his nails, talking to me- im openly trans and some people just pretend i don't exist because of it, letting me brush his hair and idk this is more confusing, why is a cishet man doing those things ¿ it doesn't make sense in my mind but idk if he's happy like that I suppose we will just let him be) another thing to consider is that his brother was there when he said he was straight and his brother is always trying to make him "less weird " or something like that and he never says "no" to his brother, idk i think i don't actually care if he likes me back or not, because i would never feel comfortable anyway I've been wondering if i actually feel romantic attraction, if i actually not or if im frayrom(feeling romantic attraction when you barely know someone and then that attraction fades) or something, idk :[ i also have trouble with gender dysphoria because my teacher said some horrible things about me and i just said some other horrible transphobic things about myself in front of some classmates because of it and since then :[ idk i don't like this and i don't know what to do and when I have trouble with being queer in this world I always come to this blog to ask you because you seem to always know something, like a reliable queer teacher that will help you if you need it, sorry for this :[

Hi anon

I'm going to try to answer this but I'm not sure how much help I can be particularly about the 'are you experiencing romantic attraction' part since I'm aromantic and autistic as well so I don't really know what romantic attraction is either and am really bad at reading people so I can't really even properly suggest whether you're perhaps not aromantic after all or what this boy's interest in you may mean. Maybe someone else who does experience it can weigh in on that. Although I do think perhaps to some degree it doesn't really always matter that much, trying to neatly divide up and define and label everything. I do get that these things are confusing, that people in general actually are really confusing especially if you're neurodivergent, and sometimes we want to try to put labels on things as a way to try to make things that bit easier to understand but I think too sometimes you can get too caught up in worrying about 'am I this or am I actually that' when in reality I think our feelings and emotions aren't ever that neat and easy to define and pin down and put into organised little boxes, like there's always going to be a lot of overlap between 'friendship' and 'romance'; there are going to be things that people who are 'just' friends and people who are romantically involved with each other both do. I understand the importance of labels to many people of course but I do think sometimes people feel like they have to rush to put a neat precise label onto themselves and it's this huge deal to pick the right one as soon as possible because they'll be stuck with it forever then and then sometimes they start to think actually they picked the wrong one and that really confuses and stresses them out, when it doesn't actually matter, if you try out and discard several labels before you find the right one. It's fine to question, it's fine to try things out and experiment with labels and throw away the ones that don't work, it's fine too if something fits you to start with but then something about you changes and that original thing doesn't fit you any more. It may be really confusing but really it's no big deal particularly not in the grand scheme of things - people make mistakes, or people change, that's just life really, that's how we grow and develop, and ultimately labels are there to be used only if you find them helpful and useful to you, so frayromantic for instance; maybe you are or maybe you aren't but if you decide that you are you still don't have to use that label for yourself if you don't really find it helpful to you.

When it comes to the idea of dating or kissing or whatever with cis people, I do get being wary of cis people in general because so much bigotry and hate does come from cis people but I do feel more like personally if it did come to considering having a close relationship of some sort with someone I would have to judge people as individuals not as a whole (because honestly there are many cis people who are amazing, accepting and knowledgeable [about trans issues] trans allies and there are trans people who are very bigoted and hateful even towards other trans people so... I'm not saying you not wanting to do anything 'intimate' with cis people is wrong by the way, if that's how you still feel that's totally understandable, but like with the labels, if you want to change your mind about that that's fine too; you're allowed to break that promise to yourself if you want to).

The straight thing or the issue of sexuality in general would be more the part that could be an issue for me and I can see more where your discomfort with that part of someone might come from because presumably it may imply if he is attracted to you he's not perceiving you as your actual gender. I think perhaps if you reach a point where you do feel that maybe you are attracted to each other in some sort of maybe romantic way and you want to pursue some sort of 'romantic' relationship with him, that would be something you would need to talk over between you so you both know better where you stand on things like is there a possibility he isn't actually straight after all? How does he actually view your gender and is he accepting of what your gender truly is? Would you be comfortable dating a straight person when them being straight may effectively be misgendering you? If not would he be prepared to change the way he labels his sexuality to avoid misgendering you? Though if you absolutely don't want a more 'intimate' relationship with this guy then these things probably don't matter so much and it's probably not something you do need to be worrying about too much.

Also of course it is possible this guy isn't actually straight after all, or is at least questioning his sexuality, though I don't think that things like painting his nails is inherently a queer thing, maybe it's just an alternative fashion type thing. But if perhaps he is at least questioning his own sexuality that could be another reason why he likes hanging out with you and other queer people, because as well as just enjoying being friends with you he feels safer with you.

I'm afraid I don't really know anything about frayromanticism so maybe you need to search for more frayromantic people and see if their experiences seem to match yours.

I will also point out though that being aromantic doesn't necessarily mean never having a 'romantic' relationship since attraction (or lack of) and actions are different things. I mean don't let yourself get pushed into things you genuinely don't want to do or be rushed into things you think you might like but are still unsure about but if you like someone and they seem to like you, maybe you'd still want to do certain things with them even if you're not actually romantically attracted to them, maybe you just enjoy holding hands/kissing/going on dates/whatever and that wouldn't inherently/automatically mean you're not actually aromantic, and so long as you're properly communicating with each other about your feelings and your boundaries and everything that's fine. (But of course it's fine if you never want to date/kiss/have sex with/whatever else with anyone else too.)

I am sorry for what you've been through with the teacher. I don't know what your exact situation is i.e. what country or culture you're in and what kind of support network (i.e. family, other friends, local queer organisations, doctors or therapists etc who can help you in 'real life' with your gender dysphoria, etc) you have and I don't know whether a teacher behaving like that would be illegal or at least broadly condemned by society or whether it would be just accepted or ignored by most people but I think their behaviour is something you should seek help and advice with from someone who is better placed to do something about that, and ideally an official complaint about this teacher should be made to someone higher up than them if that is possible for you (or someone acting on your behalf) to do. Whether it's related to something like their queerness or not, a teacher making horrible remarks about a student is a cruel and despicable thing for them to do, it is bullying and they should be punished for that and ideally you shouldn't have to have them as a teacher any more. If there isn't any real way out of that situation though please try to ignore them; try not to take to heart the things this teacher said; try not to internalise their hatred and prejudices because they are wrong and you are so much better than that teacher is. I do hope there is a way out of that situation though and also that you can start to figure things out about your attraction a bit more soon.

Tiger

[cloudie-skay]

This would have been a post befitting of Pride month but I say I can post about sexuality and gender any damn time I want. I also just want this written down somewhere

Identity is one shitty puzzle and I lost the box for it ages ago

It was easy to accept that I was nonbinary. It's one of the first things I discovered about myself when the idea of different genders and sexualities was just getting introduced to me. There were signs that even a younger me recognised. I have journal entries dating to 2016 where I referred to my as a gender-neutral person back when I thought I was inventing the term. I told my best friend I was genderfluid but then whenever they asked what pronouns I felt like that day it was always they/them. There had always been some sort of disconnect when people called me a girl that I couldn't quite pinpoint. So when I stared at the definition of nonbinary for maybe a bit too long, it all kinda clicked in place.

It was easy to accept that I was asexual. Getting rid of all the imbalanced hormones and religious trauma, there was no desire left. There was a morbid curiosity for something I was barred from really knowing about but then that was it? Catholic school really scared us into thinking we'd become deranged sex addicts if we looked at porn at all. Then came how others described how they perceived attractive people. Sometimes it came with an underlying motivation that I didn't really understand. I really went through life thinking sexual attraction was some sort of inside joke I just didn't quite get yet because I haven't had sex. Though it didn't initially occur to me that it was because I simply didn't have any sexual attraction, I figure it out eventually. At this point, I wouldn't bat an eye if it turns out I'm demisexual instead though.

Despite all these lables seeming slotting into my identity pretty neatly, it was not and still isn't easy to come to terms that I might be aromantic. To me it simultaneously doesn't make any sense and makes too much sense.

I'm a hopeless romantic, I say with emphasis on hopeless every single time. I've had crushes, I've dated people, and I have a desire for romance! Surely that means something?

But I fantasise over the most mundane things, I read fairy tales of princesses and their knights, I watched movies of people falling in love. Maybe the romance I want isn't something I could even get.

I want to love and be loved in that way. I want the intimacy and emotions you get from romantic love. I've always wanted that kind of love where you are each other's world, where you put each other over most else. I still want to be held desperately close by the person who knows me like the back of their hand, as I do them

But whenever I think of these scenarios and images, I can never really put someone there with me. There's never a solid image of someone in my life that I could fully imagine doing those act with.

The pessimistic side of me thinks I'll feel like this forever, that I'm just not built for that kind of love no matter how hard I try. And that I shouldn't pull someone through my fantasies without loving them the same way.

The desperate optimistic side of me thinks that maybe I just need to find the right person. That when I finally do, I would pour all this bottled up love on them as soon as I can. Maybe even a little scared that I'd love too intensely.

As of now, I can't piece that part of my identity and even then, I don't even know if I'd like what piece ends up fitting in that empty space. I feel like that this point, I'm avoiding finishing the puzzle because halfway in, I realised I didn't like the picture I was about to complete.

I like the parts I did put together before, and I'll probably stare at the unfinished puzzle for a while before I dare put it together fully

[hms-no-fun]

if you don't mind me asking, how did you know you were polyamorous? how did you talk to your partner about being poly?

honestly it just sorta happened?

thing is, i've never been very good in monogamous relationships for a number of reasons. i'm extremely grey-asexual, and was even more so before i started HRT. and i found the idea that i had to be everything my partner needed very, uh. stressful. i swore off relationships for a number of years in my late 20s because i convinced myself i had to be aromantic and just couldn't really be with other people healthily.

my first post-transition gf was already dating someone else when we met, and she was openly poly. when things first started to seem like they might get, idk, "serious" between us, we did a group chat with her partner and just kinda talked it through. for whatever reason i never had a problem with it. frankly it felt natural. i'm not a jealous person, and i was uncomfortable with the presumption that i was supposed to be jealous. like if i found another person attractive that was shameful, or if someone showed attraction towards my partner that was an insult???? i mean it depends on the situation of course but like, god cishets really do seem to think that a human person is always in total control of their thoughts and the movement of their eyes, neither of which is basically ever true but they're ESPECIALLY not true when you're under pressure to never commit thought crime against [checks notes] a person you presumably want to spend a significant amount of time with?? christ, imagine having a relationship that fragile, that tense. exhausting!

obviously, this is a conversation. every relationship is different. my gf and i discussed our boundaries and felt like, casual sex is fine, but if we start feeling like someone might be a new Big Relationship Person we should talk it out first. not in a judgy "i'm telling you what to do" way, but just. idk, a new partner tends to eat time, and that's great! but it's also easy to get carried away and grow neglectful. it's a negotiation more about time and commitment and etc etc that changes shape every time. there's nothing threatening to it imo

i'm a reclusive person. i need my own time and my own space. being poly comes naturally to me because i always found monogamous relationships tiresome. i'd literally dream of being in a relationship where i didn't have to be everything, where i could watch my partner and someone else be cute together and be both extremely happy that she's happy, AND extremely relieved that i don't have to make myself be affectionate all the time when i'm just not feeling up for it.

and like. i met my second gf because she was dating a girl i had a crush on who had a crush on me. after getting to know that girl better i felt like, idk, i don't know if i want to DATE her, but i still want to be good friends. i think our current setup, as i guess "metamours", is the ideal relationship. i've got my two gfs, i've got my gf's gf, i'm surrounded by smart and sexy women who care about me and it rules!

i always struggled to understand why romantic feelings were so contentious for other people. i remember expressing to a friend that i had a crush on him when we were in high school and he FLIPPED SHIT, and i had to run it back super hard and play it off as a joke. but it didn't make sense to me that he'd be offended because, idk, doesn't everyone fall a little bit in love with the people they spend all their time with? isn't it normal for good friends to want to platonically kiss a little after a good game of halo 3? took me a VERY long time to learn that no, actually, apparently they don't. it was always so torturous to feel like, man, i have this crush and i know it's not gonna go anywhere, but if i don't say it out loud and just find out for sure how they feel, i'll never be able to let it go... then again IF i say it then there's a better than zero chance that they'll hate me forever, suddenly, for some reason. to me they were just feelings, weird little chemical jolts that give you funny thoughts, and yet to other people they seemed as real as a knife to the throat. so i got into the habit of never expressing those feelings. very good and healthy behavior our society encourages

i never understood why no one believed me when i said that if you don't feel the same way about me as i feel about you, that's fine. not long after i came out as trans, i told a girl i spent a lot of time with that i had a crush on her, and she was like... well, she expressed disappointment because she'd told me not a week before that she wasn't a lesbian and really disliked how often she got pegged as a lesbian. which was surreal because i was still like, baby baby baby trans and i hadn't put those twos together. she took my gender more seriously than i did! and we pretty much stopped being friends after that, which was such a bummer.

so polyamory comes naturally to me. it feels like the way i always wanted relationships to work but dared never dream they realistically could. it helps that i'm almost 33 and just generally fucking Over It vis-a-vis traditional romantic bullshit. i always hated small talk and dating, performing the ritual of Getting To Know Each Other. the person you put on when you want someone to like you isn't really you and i always knew that. i've never been capable of being anyone other than myself and it's just, it's SO nice to be with people who are just as easygoing about relationships as i am.

love isn't a commodity, it isn't scarce, and it isn't a zero sum game.

polyamory isn't easy, of course. it requires a level of vulnerability and honesty that, i mean, is just as necessary in monogamous relationships too? but monogamous relationships tend to come with the assumption of pretending to love each other for the sake of their financial-biological business arrangement ("marriage"), at least in my experience. so they're "easy" in the sense that we have a common cultural understanding of what a marriage is supposed to look like (blissfully happy or bitterly resentful, nothing in between). we don't have centuries of polyam stories to tell us how we're supposed to hate each other- ugh sorry i'm being really salty here lmao. we don't have centuries of polyam stories to tell us what a polycule is "supposed" to look like, so you kinda have to invent it yourself. that requires honest conversation and a LOT of patience, which i say again is sort of a prerequisite for any healthy relationship but we live in a fucking insane society that thinks love is a glory hole that cooks dinner for you, so i guess polyamory has a reputation as being "harder." i don't think it is.

it's just like anything in life, really. you work at it and sometimes the work pays off and sometimes it doesn't. you fuck it up over and over until you don't. there are shitty people who will use any system or dynamic to get what they want out of others, but that's not a result of being with multiple people, that's a result of being raised by aforementioned fucking insane society and, generally, a shitty person being true to their nature.

[dotieeee]

Wow! Did you ever assume you might be gay before? Lol i feel bad for the guy though haha I have all the time in the world right now and some of the aro ace pages here is not really answering. Does your parents/friends know that you're asexual? And did they treated you differently when they find out?

Interesting question! Please bear with me, this might be a lengthy response. I have doubted my sexuality (or lack thereof) quite a few times, until I found out about the four levels of attraction (please take note that this is only for me and other asexuals/aromantic asexuals may have a different answer. There is no standard way about how you can become asexual/aro-ace)

1. Aesthetic attraction - this is an attraction where you find someone cute, pretty, sexy, beautiful etc. But this is more on an appreciation of their appearance. So if I say, "he's/she's cute" that doesn't mean I want to have any type of relationship with them.

2. Platonic attraction - this is an attraction between friends. I sometimes get confused with this and feeling something else for my friends, but if I ask myself "would I like to have sex/date them?" and my answer would always be no.

3. Romantic attraction - this could be a desire to date the person, and do stuff with them that normal romantic couples do, sans sex (hold hands, kiss, make out etc)

4. Sexual attraction - speaks for itself lol

So everytime I get confused with somebody, I categorize them using these levels. Before I found out about this though, I would always end up being confused whenever I stare at someone attractive.

I'm always open about my asexuality with all people that I meet, if they ask me. I would sometimes get a response like "maybe you just need to experience it first" or "you're still young, you might change your mind." But I just brush those off, while trying to maintain an open mind and thinking that their responses come from lack of awareness and that I should never be harsh with them. There was one guy who tested my patience back then. He wanted to date me, and I rejected him quite kindly and gave him the reason why. I told him I was asexual, to which he replied somewhere along the lines of "you're just making excuses. That (asexuality) doesn't exist in this country." Needless to say I never spoke to him again.

There are those who get curious when I tell them, and so I would explain. Some of them, especially my closest friends, support me and they never pressure me to conform to the dating culture, which I appreciate, although they tease me, which is tolerable. Everytime I tell them "he/she's cute" they would tease me about wanting to date them, all of which are easy to brush off.

One of my best friends is asexual, too! So we relate so much whenever we're together. Where I come from, the Ace community get little attention, so I am very lucky to have found a friend like her.

I have never told my mom (I have no contact with my dad so it's just my mom) about me being an Aro-ace, because I think she already knows lol. She has never asked me once if I was in a relationship, and has never pressured me into one. I am also glad she has never once brought up about grandchildren, and I think that's because she knows me and she saw it coming lol.

I hoped this helped in any way and sorry if it was too long. Thank you as well for your questions! Awareness is key of we want to avoid discrimination against Aces and other communities in the Asexual spectrum. 😄😄😄