#I'm never going to be able to do the sort of dental routine they expect and every time they go in

[dangerous-disposition]

They should invent a type of dentist who shuts the fuck up and does their fucking overpriced job without comment.

[weabooweedwitch]

I say this as someone who's followed you for years and with as much kindness as possible:

Get the fuck away from your mother. Ditch her fuckin ass. She's repeatedly making things worse and refuses to learn. You need to get away from her, for your own good.

I know I might be repeating what other people have said, or even what you have thought of doing, but holy shit this bitch is actively ruining your life through sheer stupidity.

I hope things get better

I feel bad that people have to keep giving me this kind of advice because I realize it's the most obvious answer, and there are multiple reasons separating from my mother would be good for us both. I feel bad that i keep sharing all these worrying stories and worrying people and then at the end of the day, I'm way too scared to actually try and fix things. I just worry so much about not being able to take care of myself, not being able to drive, what if I go somewhere and it's harder if not impossible for me to get to work, just. I worry about everything. Honestly the thing that worries me the most is keeping my job or not being able to transfer if I went somewhere else. My wage is currently $19 an hour, my 58 yo mom was making $22, so like, I'm helping hold it all together with rent BECAUSE of that income. I'm so scared of losing that.

I've had people ask if there's any family I can go to and the only possible option would be maybe my father who is in another state, I cannot remember if it is in Illinois or Missouri (ugh, they may have passed recreational weed but thats the only good thing thats came outta thar state in like the last 2 decades). And I don't know if that would be good either. But it's an option I'm beginning to consider. But I am sort of still in the reconnecting process with my dad and we've butted heads a few times and he also has his own physical and emotional issues. Actually I think he is where I inherited a lot of mental illness from because he also has an anxiety disorder and we are almost positive he has equinus like me. He also has developed type 2 diabetes and I am really bad with sugar impulse control, what if I hurt my dad because I can't stop bringing sweets into the house and he eats them too 🥺

It just. Personally makes me hate myself to even think of "hiya pops, we've barely spoken in the last 10 years, I've been really ahitty about talking to you consistently since we've said hi again and lost my temper with you a few times, hey I know you're on a fixed income and out of a job right now (or was, maybe he has one now, we've spoken so little idk) but is it OK if I come live in your house as a whiny codependent barely functioning weed addict of an adult?" 😅

But yeah I just. This is really. It just never ends. I keep fighting myself and beating myself up on "who's right, am I right, am I wrong, am I overreacting, whats going on, what do I do, someone tell me what to do because I'm too stupid to do things right" and it's just. I also still love my mother even if that love is being increasingly mixed with resentment. I worry about her ability to take care of herself because her health is getting worse and, like, I worry about her mentally a lot. Like this tooth infection she has, is because she doesn't have the best dental hygiene, and had fillings and such, and even after needing fillings still takes shit care of her teeth, and was putting off getting like broken teeth and such taken care of, and, they're now having to pull SEVEN of her back teeth. She'll need dentures to eat certain foods now. And I'm not better, I basically stopped brushing my teeth for many years because I literally expected to be dead before they rotted out of my mouth and now I'm scrambling to adopt that routine again, and also like.

Sorry but my mom and a dentist literally lied to me when i was a little girl and said i had several cavities because they thought i would be scared into brushing my teeth and all that did was convince me everything was pointless and needed to give up since it was already damaged, and she refuses to apologize or even acknowledge how that literally helped me develop a complex and felt helpless when SHE LIED TO ME, A CHILD, HER CHILD (and also i think my difficulty keeping routines is a combination just needing to apply myself and having adhd issue because like, I've been pretty good with my skincare at least)

I just. I love her but I hate her. If I'm not careful to keep myself calm I'm going to escalate to the physical level. And to be honest I've had the opinion for many years that, all those times my mom told extremely age inappropriate stories to little tiny baby Miranda about her experiences with assault and domestic violence, even as a kid I would think, "well you like don't listen, you shut people down, you insist youre always right, I want to hit you all the time too, maybe it wasn't them but maybe you got yourself hit by constantly pushing everyone around you to their breaking point" like clearly that's not a healthy thought to have and I. I am kind of convinced at this point that almost every single bad thing that had ever happened to this woman was her own fault in some way shape or form. But you could also say that about me

What's scary is that I can't even think of going anywhere without having savings first and I'm constantly being pushed to my limits to the point I don't HAVE any savings, it's all getting sucked up. I dunno how else I can get out of this pit and I'm just, mentally worn down from any entire life of this. I feel useless and exploited at home and then I go to work and feel useless and exploited at work and by society. Like. Life feels so bleak. My Canadian friend is getting in worse health. I still have a lot of affection for him but he's also uh done and said a few things I really disagree with on personal levels and it, gives me some pause, like. I genuinely am so sad all the time. I need to go back to the psychiatrist to get some medicines again but, I am working and making enough money that after my state insurance expires in October, I'll have to go through my work, and that doesn't 100% cover everything so, j wouldn't be able to afford anything at that point

Just. Ugh. I try to write down my thoughts and listen to music and try to write on my other blog to cheer myself up but I just. What can you do right. What am I good for. What is anyone good for. What is this world itself good for. Our entire species is gonna go extinct with climate change anyways. Why should I keep struggling and suffering like this when it's. Idk. Arguably all for nothing. We'll all be nothing more than just dogs following commands and paying bills until we die

[meditating-dog-lover]

Whole Foods/Clean Eating Diet

So recently, I had a very stressful month. It was pretty bad.

As a result, I didn't put too much emphasis on my health. I ate well but I wasn't paying attention to or appreciating what I was eating. I would exercise but at really late hours (12-3 AM), and I would sleep at 6 in the morning. Yes it was this bad. I didn't even feel motivated to go out for walks or to do chores. I'm dealing with so much right now and I feel exhausted.

Thankfully my life is getting better and better each day. This really helps me. I finished classes and am almost moving. That's really great. My sleep and organization will improve tremendously.

I have a lot of things I need to sort out in my life. I deal with a lot of insecurities and emotional struggles. Thankfully I have so much time now to dedicate to myself. I seriously was dealing with a lot and my schedule was a giant mess. Things will get exponentially better now.

I have my dentist appointment in a few hours and I created my Powerpoint draft. My dentist appointment will pass and I'll finish editing my draft this week. I did such a great job taking care of my dental health. Also I did well with my thesis work so really I'm almost done and I just need to finalize some stuff. After that I will be free and I never have to step foot into an academic setting ever again. I do want to be challenged and work hard, but at this moment I am undergoing a lot of stress it's not even funny.

We will be moving real soon and I saw our new house - it looks really nice. I'll be driving pretty often too. It's nice that we'll be moving because that means my mom will be in a better mood and she won't be pessimistic around us anymore. She never seems happy nor excited anymore, so I can tell she's also really struggling.

I do want to work eventually and I do want to start going out. But I'm so insecure that this would be a huge issue for me.

In terms of eating and exercising, I do have a solid plan and I am doing great. Even if I was undergoing extreme stress and pressure recently, I still kept it together. I expect to be even more organized now.

With this being said, I do want to adjust my eating plan a bit. I do NOT want to cut out or limit fats. I just don't want to eat them in excess. They are essential, taste good, and when combined with protein and carbs, they are all filling. What I want to do is look for a healthy, whole foods-based, low calorie snack I can have between lunch and dinner. I'll figure something out - I just want it to be whole and clean. The great thing here is that I don't have to eat little or restrict anything. That definitely leads to a very unhealthy relationship with food. What I need to do is eat sufficiently, but keep it whole and real, and also combine it with a solid workout routine.

With exercise, I want to exercise earlier of course. With proper sleep I will be able to do that. I want to walk as often as I can. For my strength and HIIT workouts, I want to do that in a circuit format. It's a very organized way to exercise and it doesn't take a lot of time. It's short and effective. I plan to do 5 workouts 3 times within a given session (either bodyweight training, HIIT or weight training). I'll combine this with walking so I expect to have a solid and promising plan. Only thing is that I want to avoid workouts that bulk up my calves.

At this point, I've been diligent with my eating and workout routine. Really the only thing I can rely on now is patience. Give it a whole year. I'm already 4 months in, so give it another 8.

So I'm getting things taken care of. A lot of my insecurity comes from my body and body image but I'm doing a great job by making my own healthy foods at home and by having a varied exercise routine. I just want to keep it up for the rest of the year and see how it helps because I really do feel insecure in general (about my looks and personality).

I also want to wear flattering clothes when I slim down. I have a color palette I purchased so I can use the colors as a reference to what looks good on me.

Sooner than later, I can go back to enjoying the things I used to enjoy, like arts, music, movies, and history. This will definitely happen soon.

This is subjective, but my physical appearance has improved a lot since the start of lockdowns. My hair, skin, eyebrows, nails color choice, etc... have improved, thanks to my interest in good health and proportion. But again, this is subjective. I went out for my brother's birthday on Sunday and we took pictures. I was surprised by how much better I look recently.

Now I want to focus a bit more on clothes. I already have a nice makeup routine, and I bought a super flattering lipstick a few days ago. I like to wear some concealer, mascara, a matte warm blush which also doubles as a gentle bronzer, and a moisturizing warm-toned/soft-toned lip. I don't like a lot of shine and shimmer. I'll also look for a nice nail polish too. I like to keep my fingernails short and rounded, and toenails short and straight.

So what I really need to do is focus on myself, focus on self-care, focus on my health and well-being, and to destroy my insecurities and emotional issues. I will do that, but it needs so much time. Thankfully I started since January so I have a whole year to work it out.