#I'm just holding onto the songs my hands in prayer hands at this rate. the onlynthing

[yuseirra]

Onk 165 spoilers(review)!

Seeing people slapping each other at a funeral is the LAST thing I want to see in any media, not just this one(if it has a proper base, I can take it, but this work just didn't have anyone prepared for this kind of event to unfold) that imagery is seriously haunting me. I really hate it, I hope the artist knows what they're doing, I'm never reading that chapter again, what are they making their readers who cheered for them even read?; I'm.. Just really startled and baffled. They have strengths in terms of constructing emotional experiences, they know what kind of reactions they can invoke through their works, I'm sure. This... Felt too harsh and it wasn't even laid out in a proper way, everything feels so rushed so I don't know what to feel about it. It doesn't even feel tragic, I couldn't even feel sad, I was just baffled and shocked. Seeing a character break down was painful all the same (Kana doesn't deserve this happening to her??)It wasn't a good experience to have. Distraught would be the word. Are they really happy with this? Again, what are they trying to achieve through this? Are they respecting their fans? Does this have a point? I'm genuinely confused. I want to know. I hope the authors are happy about this but I'm not. Who would? I'd have enjoyed this better if all this felt well-constructed.

I honestly still believe the contents of the songs are spoilers, THOSE do better explaining Kamiki's character than what this manga put forth about him after the 154 mark.

Speaking of which, I've mentioned this after 164? 163 was it? How can Aqua do this to Ai's movie? Just what IS the point of having the movie be a huge hit when it's going to be known for a murder incident that's even FABRICATED??? Didn't Ai want her TRUTH to be known? Wasn't the movie supposed to be about HER life and what she wished for? Again, she had her hopes on her boyfriend being saved. And Aqua kills him over it and framed him about having killed a person over the content of Ai's movie. Whatever Kamiki's done, Aqua shouldn't have done that to AI AND HER MOVIE. How- why- does the author think that's a good idea?? This was a movie that was going to be her legacy, right? And even if Ai's lied all her life, isn't THIS the work that she'd wish WOULDN'T BE? The one that'd display her true self, the one that should have gotten her love across to Kamiki? I'm glad the latter did happen but even that's going to be covered by lies all thanks to Aqua. I just can't forgive him for doing that to his mother, how is that for Ai? How?? Did Ai want revenge on Kamiki no matter the cost??? That wasn't it. I feel like this sort of outcome, of her son and boyfriend dying and the story of her life being framed as the trigger of killing themselves over it, would have been the LAST thing Ai would have wanted. Unless they explain the reasoning, the writing is so bad on this one. Aqua managed to make Ai's movie about himself. Couldn't he have found some other way to die if he wanted to do it so much.

The last chapter isn't going to save anything, there are too little pages left.

I've made a lot of theories about Ai and Kamiki being gods and THEY were the ones responsible for the white and black star eyes all along(They have to explain what's up with the eyes and the stars and why they work that way before they go!!!) I actually believe in those theories I've written wholeheartedly because if they're going to get back on the idea of gods, that's like the only way to have it blend in the story altogether. And seeing how the idea of fallen-ness and how "stars dwelling in eyes" were in the anime s2's op, which is not too long ago? I don't think they would have completely dropped that idea? Was it 158? I want to know why Tsukuyomi went about "Love" too. If my theories actually end up being true, then.. Ai and Kamiki are the two characters who were all about love and needed love in order to function properly as gods. That Kamiki was trying to collect "Ai", the fragments of his lover back dwelling within people's eyes after her death in order to reach her again. I really do believe that's the way to go if they want this story to make any sense with it adding up to the song's contents.

So what did Kamiki even do?? They aren't even sure if he is really involved or not because what he did is very minimal, isn't it?? Remember how Airi died when he just told her husband the truth of how she molested him? If we believe him, remember how he wanted to send a bouquet to congratulate Ai for her dome concert and Ryosuke killed her? Remember how Ryosuke pushed Gorou off a cliff when he said he wondered if he should go visit Ai at the hospital? Remember how Yura died when he told her she should watch her steps at a mountain? How he told Nino they should turn themselves in and she went insane to try and go stab Ruby? These are too much to be called as mere coincidences, things don't logically end up becoming this disatrous. Whether if he really wanted things to play out this way or not(and he told Aqua himself that he never wanted to hurt anyone!!) it's not natural. This is why I seriously believe this guy's Sarutahiko the god of guidance and the RIGHT PATHS, that's been given a "fatal flaw" after Ai's death!!! Ai was already worried of Kamiki being afflicted by the darkness of the industry, he just totally broke after the death of his godly wife didn't he??? And now he's been leading people into the wrong paths!!! Because he's a fallen god now! Why else would be the lyrics like that? Then is ANYTHING that's happened HIS fault? I'm not actually sure?? He could have tried utilising his powers to meet Ai again maybe so after that perhaps so?? But what's been happening around this guy's been so weird. It can only be explained through the songs and the mention that THERE REALLY ARE GODS OUT THERE WHO DON'T KNOW THEY'RE ONE, WHICH DIRECTLY CONNECTS WITH THE LYRICS OF MEPHISTO THAT GOES: "I'VE FORGOTTEN WHO I LIVED AS" which I think IS written from his perspective! So there. If this is not the case I REALLY don't know. But they won't explain it right. They have to though.

About ruby...well, she's the amaterasu. I keep saying that... She'll "shine" one way or another. But I hope she could really save someone significant in the story with it.

That's all I can write on the spot for now~

[butmakeit0kcal]

How Flowers Wilt

A seungmin/hyunjin short chapter, result of three cups of coffee and two sleepless nights. First of my 'Gently, Autumn' series, it is dedicated to each one of you who can't let go, but should.

There is no need for you to be in the fandom to read this!

Enjoy.

The following gif does not belong to me. All credits go to the owner.

date: 2019.05.13

rating: green

genre: introspective, melancholic, angst

characters: seungmin, hyunjin

couple(s): seungmin/hyunjin

notes: none

warnings: none

[ 4:20 am ]

HOW FLOWERS WILT

Seungmin knows that blood is thicker than water. He also knows that the boy he is staring at right now will soon pass. With time. Like time. He knows it well, perhaps too well, but he never says anything.

Neither to Hyunjin, nor to anyone else.

He keeps on telling himself that his is not just an obsession toward an abstract painting, the fear of letting go of whatever he is holding onto, or a passing feeling created but his unconscious and his dreams to prevent him from harming himself and losing a battle that yes, he is fighting in but that no, does not belong to him.

He likes to think it is love. Love that grows pure and intense. Love that blooms like a marvellous flower in the middle of a sunny, spring day. Love that is unique and soft, thoughtless. Love in which the sky is always clear and clouds never cry.

And he wants to convince himself this is the truth, because he's tired. Tired of being told he must be careful; tired of the echoes of all of his friends' voices running through his mind: you'll end up getting hurt; tired of Hyunjin's silences and tired of the dying violets in the jar on the shelf.

He is tired but he never says anything.

He always smiles ruefully, a faded color in his once honey, amber eyes: the look of a boy who does not know neither resentment nor revenge.

Everything's alright, he says. I love him and he loves me.

But he sets aside his most atrocious thoughts and only focuses on the ones that make his story a first-class fairytale.

He hides the rose that wilts in the middle of a cold, winter day, the sky that becomes grey as the fine weather leaves everything behind and the crying of the dead that makes its way through clouds. He hides his pain and his anxiety. He hides his fatigue, his exhaustion and his agony. He hides his screams.

He hides the truth.

And each item ends up in the corner of an empty room, or in a huge box in the attic, or even under the pillow where he lays his head every night.

And he breathes out a prayer, when Night embraces his delicate body in between Her warm arms and lulls him softly, turning the white ghost of a thought that overwhelms and kills into a grey shadow that cannot harm, nor frighten the boy whose voice is sweeter than honey anymore.

He recites a prayer with no name, writes a poem with no rhymes, and sings a song that knows no melody.

He looks at Hyunjin who is laying down next to him. He stares at his back, again and again and again till tears threaten to flow out. And Seungmin would like to hold him tight and ask him to stay. One more moment. One more forever.

But he knows Hyunjin does not belong to him, and never will. He knows his lover's body is just a temporary adornment, a welcome gift that is going to end up in a bunch of boxes once the apartment they're living in becomes ashes of a dead relationship, and he also knows Hyunjin hates his hiding himself behind a wall of lies, his running through the wind and his riding on a flying carpet thirty feet above the ground: he hates the way the other boy is living in an act, a life that is not made for two. At least, not for the two of them.

Seungmin knows it all - more than anyone else, but he never says anything.

Everything's alright, he whispers. There is love and love is there.

But it is an all-embracing love and leaves behind only the last remnants of a silence poured into a dented cup of coffee. It is a self-destructive love, in which there is no thing in the world one of the two lovers wouldn't do for the other. It is an ardent and exclusive love that makes everything else a lie: it knows, from the very beginning, that there will be no end, no future, no other chance in no other life.

It is a desperate, insane, hopeless, disruptive love.

It is a love that consumes, rips away every root, and makes you fall. It is a love that knows no defence. That tolerates no mercy.

It is a love that Seungmin did not expect to find but that, he knows, is placed in his shaky, weak hands, as Hyunjin builds a new barrier between them and buries words that haven't even come to life yet.

It us a misguided, clumsy, unscheduled love. A love that, with no training, can't be faced.

And Seungmin knows it, reads about it and hears about it each day of his life.

Then again, he does not give up because this can't really be the epilogue of his novella. He knows it, he knows it, he knows it and he knows it.

But he falls and shatters.

His favourite mug in pieces on the ground, a dead smile on Hyunjin's face, the echo of a last cry that resonates in the apartment.

And, then, the door that slams, the steps running downstairs, the hands that go and cover the ears and pull the hair, the tears that blur the eyesight.

Seungmin knows this is the end and that there will be no new start. He knows it and cries. Cries out all the things he has been always longing for; cries out all the sorrow he has been hiding since day one; cries out that miserable love he tried to reach, live, and save; and cries out the autumn that took the boy all snow and no water away from him.

He begins to cry, despair, ask for help.

He does not, however, regret anything.

He does not regret anything because he loved. As much as he could. Until he could. He loved the idea of love and he loved Hyunjin. A lot. Maybe, it is now time for him to let go.

But, stranger, you have to believe him:

Seungmin is a boy made of roses and blue waves, and he knows - in the deepest of his heart - that love heals only after hurting.

END

This is one of the shortest chapters I have ever written, but it is made of all the words I've always wanted to express through the ink of one of my pens.

I love how Seungmin's persona always manages to give me inspiration. He's the voice in my head that begs me to never stop writing, and I'm extremely grateful to (and for) him.