#I'm just a silly little enby sharing my thoughts

[flagboi-whotookit]

Reviewlike #1

Fortune Favors the Fortunate (Dicey Dungeon) 1. The set-up This is a very innovative roguelike... In setting at least, we'll get to the rest later. You play as one of six people who entered a competition run by Lady Luck herself, where if you win, you get your heart's greatest desire. Said people are promptly transformed into dice and forced to traverse a dungeon. The cast is just as colorful as the setting, some of the best include; A workaholic playing to remove his need for sleep, the cut-throat and competitive type vying to win a billion dollars, and a curious inventor here by accident because she was interested in the bus headed to the show. Still having said that, we still have... 2. A glaring problem Yeah... I know I was hyping the setting up, but the gameplay falls flat compared to the rest. Which is a shame since that's the part you really have to nail to make a good roguelike. But, why? Why is Dicey Dungeon so bad? Well... it's too luck based. Wait, wait, put the pitchforks down. I don't mean it has luck in it, I'm not someone reviewing Shotgun King on Steam. Most good roguelikes have luck in them. I mean that it is ALL. LUCK. This game has next to no skill involved. The majority of this game is combat, and how do you fight in this game? Roll dice. Wait, that's it? Sadly, yes. Sure, you can reroll dice, or add a pip (the little dots on dice) to one. You can also choose how to spend the ones you do get. But a lot of the weapons/tools need specific, or a specific range, of numbers. Pretty much every item in the game either has a max number cap, meaning it just won't accept higher dice, or mandates you use an even or odd die. I understand this was in an attempt to balance the game, but the fact you're beholden to a Yahtzee cup is balance enough. The amount of times I've got a bunch of useless dice, or my opponent got a perfect set that I had no way to counter, is unparallel. Even with all that, I still feel inclined to ask... 3. Is this salvageable?

Answering this question means we have to answer another first: Where does being salvaged end, and being scrapped start? Stay with me! I promise this is going somewhere. If the dice aesthetic stays, it would have to be *purely* aesthetic for the gameplay to work. Which would make it blend into the sea of dungeon crawler roguelikes. Instead, I offer a better solution: Broaden the scope from simply dice, to all luck based things. This way, they could keep Lady Luck, but kick the luck-dependent combat. The issue here is; is this too far from the original vision? I mean, it's called DICEY Dungeon, die are kinda it's thing. I can't answer this, I didn't make the game and don't know the people who did, so I don't know what their vision was. All I know is the final product.

So, where does this leave us? Well, wherever it's lead you. I don't care for conclusions, I won't tell you what to think about this. I'll just leave you with my take, feel free to add on, or tell me why you think I'm wrong. I'm all for discussion. Anyway, enjoy your day or night. If you aren't busy, get comfortable, grab a drink, throw on a podcast, and roguelike until your mouse dies. And once again, stay tunned, as long as there are roguelikes, there's my opinion. Is it a good opinion? That's for you to decide...

[giftcard-giveway2024]

A cute guy likes me on a dating app. After chatting with them for weeks, we decide to go on a date. They are very flirtatious and forward over the app, but not when we meet in person. He admits he thought I was transmasc like him, we laugh about it because his mistake is funny and means I'm not passing but in a silly backwards way. I think his sudden awkwardness in person may be nervousness and flirt with him in ways less forward and aggressive than he'd been flirting with me earlier, and they become cold and distant for the rest of the date. By the time I get home they've blocked me on the app we met on. This case of being mistaken as a transmasc on a dating app will happen 3 more times, and in 2/3 times it results in a similar sudden lack of interest where once they were coming on to me. None of these people will be cis.

I am in a self defense class for queer people, learning hand to hand combat as a community. I have been here months. I notice I'm the only transfem in the classes but there are other trans people there so I don't think much of it. Today I have some stubble as I did not have time to shave before the early morning class. When discussing unrealistic action movie and anime fight scenes I describe on of my favorites, quoting the lines as I pantomime the goofy moves. They smile and laugh along until the word bitch leaves my lips in one quote, then the bisexual woman who only ever they/thems me glares at me like I've committed a grevious crime, and the rest of the class looks at me like a freak in awkward silence for a moment before moving on. I learn bitch is not a word a clocky bitch can "reclaim". I am quiet in classes now, and when I go I focus primarily on the training, when I see other trans women try it out they often give me a sad look and do not return for a second class. I get a sinking feeling that if I ever use this training to save my life one day I'd be branded a violent man instead of a strong woman.

I am texting with a good friend of years who was one of the people who helped me realize I was trans like them and even the one who helped pick out my name loves talking about our shared interests and sharing their favorite smut with me. We bond over favorite stories, artists, characters, and kinks as well as our trans experience. Yet they constantly tell me they could never date someone who's AMAB because of the trauma of being "female socialized" and their genital preferences for vulvas. Every compliment they have ever given me on my appearance or outfit is followed up by "but in a non-sexual way, I could never date you". Today I finally have the courage tell them they don't need to say that every time. They ignore this response. We keep talking for awhile, but they start taking months to respond to my messages and respond with a short sentence at most. They no longer share details about their life and shut me out when I ask or share details about mine, even the most mundane and chaste details. I stop talking to them. A birthday gift I bought them months before this falling out happened looms at me in my closet. I cannot use it as it doesn't fit me but can't bring myself to throw it away, just in case we reconcile one day. I feel pathetic for craving friendship with someone who sees me as "abuser-bodied", that so much of my early stages would've been impossible without their help. I feel a little more lost without them.

I am at a queer/trans/enby kink dance party with some friends. I am scantily clad and wearing a skirt and high heeled boots. I do not pass well so this space is one of the few places I feel safe and free dressing like this. It is packed with queer and trans people just like me engaged in delightful debauchery and wearing very little. The music hurts my ears but I'm happy to be here, I feel overstimulated but alive and authentic. I am approached by a beautiful stranger from across the dance floor, she is graceful and stylish, like some modern Galadriel clad in leather, white lace, and industrial piercings with impeccable voice training. She compliments my outfit, I compliment hers. She tells me I need to shave my armpits if I want to look like a real woman. My two friends stand up for me and yell at her. They assure me she was just being an asshole, that women were supposed to be hairy, but I can't help but notice how both of them have hairy armpits and yet the "advice" targeted me. The wide range of bodies that people here tonight find desirable on cis women don't seem to apply to the women like me. I am the only one of us that doesn't go home with a hookup at the end of the night. I realize now she likely spoke from experience. I am still hurt by her words, but realizing the kinds of experiences she must have had herself to feel her words were kind advice hurts far worse.

A local queer photographer who's work I follow is looking for women & non-binary models for a photoshoot. I have become comfortable with getting photos taken of me for the first time in my life since my egg cracked, and had a few small time modeling gigs under my belt. With something like this I could actually have the beginnings of a portfolio. I reach and am told that they are not looking for trans women models, "only women and AFABs". Getting the same line I get from agencies from an independent queer photographer repackaged in "woke" terminology stings. I see many queer and nonbinary models I looked up to take part in the shoot. I have to wonder if they knew that the photographer's definition of woman didn't include trans women, or if like me in my martial arts class they noticed no transfems were there but didn't think much of it because there were other trans people there.

It is years ago and I am still an egg. I am with my partner of 4 years. I am exhausted after a long day. She asks me for sex in the voice that I know means saying no will hurt her. I learned from her long ago men have high and insatiable sex drives, therefore saying no meant I wanted to have sex, just not with her. So I say yes. The sex is painful and unsatisfying, and I simply do my best to thrust through the discomfort until she cums. I feel numb and hurt. She enjoys herself but seems sad I did not cum. I assure her I love her. When we hold eachother after my obligation has been met and I finally feel comfortable and safe. We begin talking. She talks about the trashy women she saw on the street today, describing their cringe outfits and ugly styles and bad hair. All the styles and clothes and hair I yearn to try myself in my deepest and most repressed desires. I change the subject and ask her about work and family. She asks if I'd still love her if she were a man and I say yes. She says she would still love me if I were a woman. Something in that statement feels like a lie. It is months later when we break up and I move out. Now that I am a woman I look back and know from our years together that if I were a woman then she'd hate the kind of woman I'd become. That if I were a woman she'd still have the same expectations of me as a man, that her refusal of sex equated an impersonal not being in the mood but my refusal of sex equated a cruel refusal of love.

A lesbian group begins organizing a queer woman's strip night event. A safe place for amateur performers to shine and women to perform and enjoy sexuality away from the male gaze. I see no transfems in the promotional material or leadership team, and I've learned not to think nothing of it just because there are other trans people there. I do not go.

I am talking with my therapist. They are trans too and an amazing therapist, often providing insights and advice only someone else with the lived experience of being trans can. I express distress and suicidal ideation at the fact I feel like I need to pass before I can dress the way I want. That until I get expensive hair removal procedures and FFS I can never feel safe and welcome presenting authentically. I lament how these things are expensive and may never be accessible to me. They tell me I need to deal with my "internalized transphobia", as if these feelings aren't a result of constant rejection and othering by external forces even within queer spaces. As if the scrap of womanhood others sometimes acknowledge in me does not rely on their perceptions of me.

There is a publication accepting works from trans people of all stripes to document trans experiences. It gets flamed for not having a single transfem as a contributor. The people behind it apologize profusely, they say didn't notice no transfems had sent work in and would do a sequel publication that was transfem-centric. I wonder if anyone had noticed there were no transfems but didn't think much of it because there were other trans people there. I think about the kinds of spaces I've seen like that, and the implications it has about how they treat transfems, and I am unsurprised no transfems submitted.

One of my closest friends for years is very supportive of me when I first begin crossdressing and experimenting with they/them pronouns. She gives me suggestions on cute clothes to wear and takes me shopping as well as asks for pictures. We had helped eachother discover we were both queer as young teens, come to terms with it, and navigate it in a hostile environment, so I have complete trust. We are close enough we are frequently asking eachother advice on serious life choices & relationships, sending nudes for critique + tips before sending them to our partners, and sharing our most secret and vulnerable moments. She often asks me for tips on getting her straight boyfriends into pegging and crossdressing that make me slightly uncomfortable but I don't mind, she is a loyal friend I would endure a great many discomforts for. I host a lunch for us one day, and come out to her as a trans woman. I tell her my new name, say I no longer use he/him pronouns, and thank her for her support on my journey thus far. She launches into a monologue about how by changing my name I am throwing away all our memories together and spitting in the face of my family. Taken aback by her sudden heel turn after being so supportive of me being nonbinary and GNC, I excuse myself to go to the bathroom to get a break and give her some time to process. When I am in the bathroom trying not to cry, she is on the phone. I overhear her misgendering me as she is talking about me being bisexual in a frightened voice. She sounds truly afraid that I intend to be sexually violent towards her. When I leave the bathroom and sit back down I pretend not to have heard. She gets off the phone, saying she was just chatting with her boyfriend. We talk a bit longer, she explains how "the surgery" is dangerous and experimental and she hopes I won't get it. I assure her I won't and do my best to change the subject and hope she comes around after some time to process things, hurt and shocked that what I saw as a natural shift in the path I was already on marked me as frightening in her eyes after knowing eachother for over a decade. That a fellow bisexual suddenly saw my bisexuality as dangerous now that I was asserting myself as a trans woman. I say goodbye to her, and she says goodbye to me using my deadname, I do not risk an argument to correct her. It is months after the meeting we have not seen eachother since and she has not responded to any messages I sent. After reflecting on her reaction further I decide that I don't really want to spend time with someone who thinks these things about me for my own safety and mental health, regardless of our history. A friend of 14 years who supported my queerness and transness gone the instant I crossed an intangible woman-shaped line that marked me as a predator and invader in her eyes.

I log online and day after day see trans women getting banned and harassed. Seeing baseless callout posts calling them groomers and abusers getting taken seriously by other queer and trans people. Seeing proof that deep down so many people I consider kindred spirits see me and people like me as worthy of intense scrutiny and policing to keep "the queer community" safe and united. The blocklist grows but everything stays the same. I treasure the people in my life who don't take part in this and would do anything for them, but it seems they get fewer each time.

I'm not making this post to seek sympathy, I am used to this kind of shit and far worse has happened to myself and others. I just make this to illustrate transmisogyny is not some "online-only" issue like people claim. Even if online issues weren't "real" (as healed is fond of saying, "online is real") this has tangible effects in the way trans women are treated offline as well. By communities, friends, partners, colleagues, systems, etc. That's why we talk about it.

So much of the discussions people have paint transmisogyny as some online oppression olympics maliciously trying to divide the community, smear transmascs, and "reinvent bioessentialism". That is not what it is about. Discussions about transmisogyny is about how we are treated for being what we are, and while related to transphobia and misogyny it is seperate because it often represents doors other trans people and women can walk through that transfems cannot. It has affected me in my most intimate moments when I was with other trans and queer people I felt safe around, and taught me that I need to carefully manage my persona and presentation at all times lest my authenticity be branded "male socialization". I am even terrified to express attraction to people who express attraction towards me because I'm so used to being treated like a predator upon reciprocating or being used and abandoned by people I trusted. I am terrified to be too excited about shared interests with friends lest I be too loud or talkative about it and branded with aggressive male socialization. So I make myself quiet and small, and shrink from the community and people I care about, and become more and more isolated.

Anyways, stop platforming anons who spread lies about trans women, stop hopping on TERF harassment campaigns because the trans gal they're smearing "gave you bad vibes", and maybe consider carefully if in your own life where you draw the line for a transfem's behavior is any different from where you'd draw the line for anyone who's not one

[barkbarkboy]

MCR tragic backstory? why not. might as well

imagine if you will a gay little egg who was edgy and hated being mainstream. grew up in a sheltered home and spent way too much time roleplaying with weirdos online, trying to find and express their identity for the first time. i realized i was bi as hell and was forced out of the closet about it (a story for another time). i finally work up to getting ~1 irl friend (my since-highschool bestie) who introduces me to a few songs (wttbp, na na na, teenagers, i don't love you, all the basics). happen to get into homestuck and happen to meet a bunch of nerds who actually know what my cosplay is (karkat. of course) start talking to one of them about music, first thing he says is "i like MCR", and at this time i ONLY understand them from this point of view: i know people look down on emo music and think its cringe. BUT. i like all kinds of music, like, my taste is just a hodge podge of everything. any music can be beautiful, i really believe that. so i told him i'd maybe check them out one day! 1 adhd diagnosis later and i'm rebuilding my life after a pretty traumatic situation and a breakup, and i start hyperfixating on strange aeons' MCR 2022 tour video. seeing this enby dressing alternatively on stage really intrigued me. i've been invited to stuff like drag shows before, but never really understood the appeal. its great, but not for me. but this was waayyy more up my alley and the little speeches they gave on stage and how silly they were, but how deeply they thought and how seriously they took issues started drawing me in more. around november i listened to bullets and revenge and revenge still has a giant chokehold on me. its my favorite album hands down.

after this, i took a long break and obsessed over other things for a while, but i came back to that video with a powerful desire to learn more and more about the band. i listened to tbp even though i was really scared it would trigger me (cancer sucks) and came out okay. i've memorized the entirety of dr. death defying's speech and it lives rent free in my head when i wake up. and now i'm making my way through CW. i've had tons of people try to convert me and it gone nowhere but this MCR video really was an easy digestible way to do it, and i think its amazing that she got to share this with the world. thanks father strange, you are so so epic. i just came out to my family as trans last year, and this band has not only helped with that immensely, but also that video. seeing someone not be afraid to be themselves, be unapologetically queer and gnc, its really inspired me to be my best self, no matter what. it taught me you're not really living life if you're living it for others, unable to be yourself and be happy.

[beetlebethwrites]

I want to share something stupid but mayhaps funny?

So, I identify as non binary, but I've been having a lot of questions and doubts since... pretty much the beginning I started questioning my gender lol I dont have dysphoria, so many times I question whether I'm just my agab but with another set of pronouns, whether I'm just doing it For The Attention™, or if I'm truly enby, and what that means... sorry I'm getting distracted.

Anyways, the other day I was playing your demo, and I was at the part where you decide whom to share a tent with, and I didn't think for a second because I had already decided my MC and Alex are meant to be, right? No problem there (dear dev, when you wrote MC was expecting Alex to have the revelation that MC was there all along, you didn't have to call them out like that).

My point: As I was reading that scene, I realized that then Eve would have to share with Matt and Jordan, (who I have set as male), and I, being the traumatized raised catholic I am, went like "damn, Eve is going to sleep in a tent with two dudes, so sad there are no other women."

AND THAT'S WHEN IT HIT ME, that I wasn't counting my MC as female even though I chose a female MC XD Because I was not thinking about MC's gender but mine :D

So I do count myself as an enby, and that gave me more joy than it probably should haha so thanks for that scene, I love your demo and thought of sharing this.

Ahhhh anon, it's definitely not a stupid thing and thank you for sharing this! It means a lot to me that you've sent this in!

I never would have thought that my silly little game would have something attached to it like that!

As for Eve, she can hold her own and Matt and Jordan are both good people. They'd never take advantage of her or anything like that!

I hope you keep enjoying YLAF! 💛 And always let me know if you have more thoughts about it!

[frostbite-the-bat]

Hm, I assume you are the type of person to talk in english irl. I'm also pretty sure you draw in class.

I also think you are the type of person who wants to wear alt clothing, but can't because they're living in the goddamn czech republic.

Yep to literally all of these! I actually got into... Interesting situations for speaking English IRL to speak with my friend - but I'll only share the funny one! When at a con someone asked me where I am from, because they thought I was actually from an english speaking country, but I literally live a few minutes away from where the con was LOL

I do draw in class a lot! I always have and still do. Sometimes it's a problem, sometimes it's just to pass time because nothing is being taught in an unimportant class, lol

AND VERY MUCH SO YES TO THE ALT CLOTHING THING. EVER SINCE I WAS A KID, PLEASE. But also, consider this - parents, and I am not out as queer yet and I am the type of bitch who WOULD wear like, pride bracelets (Which I technically do, I have a kandi bracelet based on Kris from Deltarune, it has a little enby flag on it)

And well... I do only wear masculine clothing, if that counts for someone like me who's transmasc minus the fact that nobody knows that I am lol

also. cheesy ass wolf shirts for life. you know the type. that's the shit. i'm actually more of a casual comfy clothes person but i yearn to be silly goofy