#I'm going to be a wreck tomorrow I'm too anxious to sleep

[coyoteprince]

Would you like to share what happened in Savannah? After my own paranormal experience I am fond of listening to/reading other people's!

For general public disclaimer, I'm aware this is woo-woo, but I have had a life-long relationship with death and many ghosts experiences, despite not looking for them. My Savannah experience is... well, my own, and my partner who was there at my side didn't see or feel anything. Don't go to a "haunted" place with intention of seeing a ghost, you'll probably just be disappointed or make yourself anxious for no reason.

Contains Foley House, the black shuck, and a raw record written the night of the Sorrel Weed house absolutely wrecking my ass:

Foley House:

We stayed in room 403, but I'm not aware of any historical significance other than it being one of the original rooms of the house.

I highly recommend this place to stay and the room felt outright "welcoming" in a strange way, as if I was always meant to be There, specifically, but that might be the special interest euphoria. I'd been aching to sleep in an old Victorian room again.

The first moment of displeasure was when I was having breakfast with my partner in one of the corner windows. We were pleasantly chatting when I suddenly went silent, thrown onto a freeze state with my blood running cold and my nerves shot. I saw nothing, but I could feel "someone" suddenly enter the room, simply observe us by standing in the middle of the rug in front of the bed, then turn and walk out. My blood warmed quickly after they left, my limbs shaking. I logically didn't see them as a threat- I've had this happen before- but my body reacted to the environment being very abruptly "Wrong" on a primal level all the same.

Another night- the night coming back from Sorrel- in that room I was jolted awake by a deafening blood curdling scream which certainly kept me awake for a long time. Every time I tried to sleep that night I'd have very disturbed visions that'd jolt me back awake. You can write this off as my intense experience influencing me as I do have a history of "exploding head syndrome" and sleep paralysis, though I haven't experienced it in a long time until that night and haven't experienced it again since. Thought I'd include it anyway.

On the street:

I see black dogs as a divine messenger and protector in my spirituality, and boy did I kept running into them in Savannah to the point that it felt on the nose. It was a sign that I'd achieved something, that I'm where I need to be, and that it was time for another huge (metaphorical) death in my life so that I can secure my future- and in the most hopeful but absolutely weary way possible, boy am I going through it right now haha. The third night of the Savannah trip was when I suddenly came to terms that I'm literally working myself to death and need to change how I view and care for myself before it's too late.

If anyone is looking for the huge antique Baskervilles Hound painting that I ran into, it's at Six Pence Pub.

Sorrel Weed

Following is what I wrote for myself the immediate night of getting back from Sorrel, so this is a very fresh, rattled, and stream of consciousness record. I normally don't really like posting something like this, but always feel something intuitive and fresh like this is the most genuine way to relay paranormal experiences. TL:DR: Saw weird thing in courtyard. Got sick a lot very suddenly. Met a very nice skull person. Got fucked up on spooky couch. Got even more fucked up from body reacting to the stress after leaving.

"I accidentally missed the normal historical architecture tour for the Sorrel Weed house and had to take a late night ghost-focused one. Wanted the normal tour but we leave tomorrow so its this or nothing. Didn't go into it expecting anything and was excited to take lots of reference photos for Widderwood, as usual.

Saw something in the garden and knew immediately things were going to be weird tonight. White flash, person height, within courtyard and in front of street entrance. Actually really funny in the moment because I Did Not Want That Thing To Have Just Happened but I'm so used to experiencing the woo-woo that I just mentally went "oh god dammit" defeated.

Felt fine, excited for architecture, then passed the threshold and... my flight response suddenly goes off. Hard. Right into the master of the house office and I get supremely bad vertigo. Got annoyed because I was trying to listen to the history of the place, but vertigo kept rising which made me wobble on my cane. I came here mainly to collect art reference but I knew then and there that I did Not want a single photo of this place on my phone. I don't know why, even- just in the moment I couldn't stand the idea of keeping photos of this place.

I kept getting sick and vertigo, but only in Very specific locations. Mostly stayed at the back and tried to hide my discomfort to not influence anyone in the tour group. Downstairs, servant's quarters, I could feel a busy "echo" in the catch-all work room where cooking and various chores would have been done- I'm not sure how to explain but it was like a vibration that unsettled me a bit? Just very weird.

Funny, I felt the safest in the near-black basement grain room, which saw civil war trauma surgery and acted as a morgue for a few years. An antique wheelchair was to the side of the gurney (special interest euphoria, hello). To the other side of the room, a female skull that was sourced from a denture manufacturer. She was beautiful- so, so beautiful that I kept coming back to look her in the face with a very comforted smile on my own. Absolutely radiant energy. In the same room to another corner, a couch that we are allowed to sit upon and may feel someone sit next to us. Well, I certainly needed a rest from standing, and I didn't feel anyone, but I sure did have such a strong, sudden vertigo that I made a surprised noise and slumped back for a few minutes close to fainting. The second I got some wind back I got off the couch and mentally went "haha, No". Wooziness is nothing new to me, but I felt trapped and heavy for a solid few minutes- never had that happen before, genuinely startling.

Our very kind tour guide could tell something was up with me, keeping an eye on my reactions. I was trying to not be too vocal about what I was experiencing, just manage my symptoms as normal, but it's obvious she knew I was Going Thru It. In private we discussed my connection to death, she showed us her Victorian mourning jewelry, and agreed the ossified woman in the doctor's case was beautiful. The tour guide told me the skull's name in life- Zarina- and though I'm doubtful of her original acquirement post-death and what she expected of her remains, it still felt sacred to be allowed to know her name and look upon her. Other people in the group kept making "eww creepy" comments toward her and I get it, I Do, but I wish I could have figured out what to say to gently suggest to see her as a person rather than a scary death item. I am glad I met Zarina. The other ghost tales- like the chair in the for some reason scary red lighted hall (why tho)- I did hover around but didn't experience anything.

Leaving the property, I felt a bit numb but my nausea and vertigo lifted over a few blocks. Our walk to our room was short, followed by... my body going into minor shock as soon as we got back to our room. I shook for at least an hour, I think its taken me most of the night just to get my body's responses to level.

I feel so energetically drained, different from my normal disability related fatigue, yet the entire time I was mentally calm. My body has felt this before, there is a difference. Chronic stress disorder and autism make me incredibly sensitive to the environment around me but it's been a minute since my body has reacted so... violently to atmosphere without obvious cause. The strongest since experiencing that fucked up abandoned house in Ohio over a decade ago. I didn't expect to taste such heavy air like that again, least of all when I was mostly hoping to take reference.

Sorrel Weed offers proper ghost investigations, which seemed like a fun thought to try in the future. I walked in excited for historical reference, but walked out somewhat harrowed instead. Now, I'm certain that I cannot entertain the idea of ghost hunting or else I will be at very real risk of a full medical episode... at least in that house."

[heliswife]

YOUR IDOL ☆ ~ CHAPTER VI

YOU CHOSE : ANSWER THE CALL

CONTINUE? Y / N

YOU SELECTED, Y. CONTINUING

"Hello..?"

"Ah, y/n! I was hoping this was the right number!"

"Rui?"

"Mhm!" You were wondering why he called you. As if he read your mind, he answered, "I wanted to tell you that Mizuki is making the outfits and they're going to be ready by the end of the week! They're starting with prep right now, but they're going to need to measure everyone too."

"I see." You were still an anxious wreck while talking to Rui. It might be because you're like this with anyone new you meet but still, he was an idol. Or, going to be tomorrow. There were a few seconds of silence before you said, "I'm going to go to sleep, I want to be ready for tomorrow."

"I think I should get going to sleep too. After all, I will be the one performing up stage." Rui giggled, "Well, good night, y/n."

He hung up, leaving your room soundless once again, the only noise being your gentle breathing. You then realized you should've asked Rui for everyone else's phone numbers. Oh well. You went on Instagram and looked at the social media account Toya created. You followed it from your private account then put your phone down. You would be ready for tomorrow by the time you woke up, hopefully.

taglist : @ishowerinlemonade, @namedmiki, @luhvashh, @memoriesmelody, @toyaswif3y, @nyx-u, @woozixo,@akiyamasmizuki ask to be added ♡

☆ notes : I'll add some romance with the other characters soon! Rui was the first one down, so hopefully I do my favorite ginger next <3 thank you for reading!!!

[papercutsunset]

Right As Rain

FFF 261: Maybe One More

This is a piece for @flashfictionfridayofficial, clocking in at 1000 words. I'd say more but it's 2:16 AM, I'm worn out from crying and chlorine, and I have to pee very badly, so I shan't.

There could be content warnings for this one; there's some mentions of vomiting and some depictions of internalized aphobia in here. (Jeanette has issues with both. She's an anxious little wreck. I'll fix her someday, when she's not Schrodinger's superhero.) (I've been on a superhero kick. I started one for last week's prompt, just to complete it, but you know im not going to finish it.)

“Why can't I come over?” Simon whines through the speaker. 

“I already told you,” Jeannette laughs. She cradles the phone against her shoulder, clumsily putting the fastener by her mask’s bridge mound back in place with chipped tweezers. “It's not a good time.” 

“Why not?” 

“It's just not! I don't feel well, my room's a wreck, my dad is pissed at me—” 

If her life were a movie, Jeanette likes to think it would make some crisp cinematography choices. The twinging 1960s pop slipping out of the whirring CD player on her desk’s corner would kick up into an indie pop inferno and there would be a series of small cuts away from its coyly-placed view of a normal teenage girl tending to her abnormal hobby. When she said she doesn't feel well, the camera would cut to Omega Satyr kicking her in the kidney ten minutes ago; at the state of her room, maybe there would be a small clip of her stumbling in through the window, trying to get her dumb boots off, and leaving pieces of Jawbone all around her already-messy room like a gas mask can be dirty laundry; and when she mentions that her dad’s upset, it would cut to an imposing man in voluminous black robes pointing angrily into the depths of the sewers she accidentally got them lost in today.  

In the spirit of cinema, she holds up a tooth on her desk. Hers.

Does she feel at all? Pain, sure, but… Does she feel anything for Simon in the way she's supposed to? Does she feel anything other than disappointment when she tries?  “Mostly, though, I just don't feel well.” 

“Boo. You suck.” 

“I don't deserve this slander, Simon. And I think I'm going to throw up again.”  None of it's serious. That's why it's so easy to talk to him; that's why it's so easy to keep this going. 

“I-swear-to-god, that's not a stomach bug.” 

“And you still love me,” she reminds him. Her stomach twists at the thought. She isn’t sure why. 

“Yeah,” he says, after a moment. “I love you, Jeanette.” 

“I love you, too. Goodnight, Simon. Have fun watching Back to the Future again. Without me.” 

“Sleep well. Don’t stay up too late listening to that shitty Sheila Guthrie album.” 

“Hey! Sheila Guthrie is amazing.” 

“Who the fuck is Sheila Guthrie? Nobody’s heard of her.” 

“You’ve heard of her.” 

“Yeah,” he reminds her, as always, “because I’m dating you.” 

“Well, she’s good. For that matter, so is—” 

“And so is whatever else you want to tell me tomorrow, Jenny.” There’s a laugh in his voice. “Don’t forget, paper’s sending us out to the shoreline? To look at the plant? Just us interns?” 

“How lucky am I?” She wonders why it feels like an act. “I get to work at Crust Lust and I intern with my boyfriend and—” 

“And I’m hanging up on you because I love you too much to let this continue. I know you.” 

“Please cut me off,” she breathes. “Shit, Simon.” 

“Goodnight,” he laughs. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

“Sweet dreams.” 

With the swift, sudden sound of the disconnect, he’s gone. All she has left is her mess of a room; her mess of a life; and the refrain on the CD whirring: is he lonelier than me? 

If she listens to love songs, she can push through what she’s supposed to be doing. This is normal. This is what everyone wants. More than that, this is what she wants. She wants the swell of music as she swoops in, tumbling down his fire escape in the rain; she wants the lights to soften in the background of the shot; she wants the cacophony of the passing cars to fade away and the shimmer of a leitmotif as she takes his face gently and kisses him, telling him without words, this is me. Please see me as I am. Please see every part of me and love me anyway. And in turn, he kisses her harder, there in the rain, his gel melting and her curls flattened, in a moment where Simon Brown doesn’t care, for once, about how things look— I see you as plainly as you see me. 

Life isn’t condensed into a tight hour-and-a-half. Jeanette isn’t the friendly neighborhood superhero with bumbling charisma and useful powers. She’s a costume designer’s daughter. Her alter ego is most well-known for property damage and throwing rodents at a politician.  

With her mask fixed again, her weary, terrified face reflects in the hard green eyepiece. She can try to tell herself it isn’t true, but she knows. Behind the bravado and the tights, there is one central truth. The one thing she wants, she can’t have. 

So why does she keep pretending? How is it fair to him? If she knows she doesn’t love Simon— that she's incapable of falling in love ever— why does she keep saying she loves him? Why does she keep kissing him? Why does she keep listening to love songs and thinking that it’ll make her life align with their ethos? 

It’s the kind of thought that makes her stomach churn a little too much. She keeps it down this time. With the taste of bile in the back of her throat, Jeanette breathes deep and switches off the radio. After a gall-building second, she zips up her coveralls. She pulls her boots back on and fastens the buckles. She sweeps on her jacket; she adjusts the hood’s horns; and, after leaving a note for her father, she steps up onto her desk. 

She needs to help this city. That’s what her mother always says. If you’re out of your mind with worry, go help someone else for a while. Maybe she’ll forget it later, but she’s sure as shit not forgetting it now. 

There’s a lattice to climb down. There’s a world to save. If she tells herself the same thing enough times, it’s going to be right as rain. 

[ineedtobeheardnotseen]

Went home early again today, barely got through the morning

My coworker kept going in the lead's office to bitch to her about who even knows what and leaving me alone in the front office

I took as many calls this morning as I did all day yesterday because she wasn't watching her phone

I hate this fucking job and all of the fucking calls, it's starting to feel like a call center

I was so tired this morning

I've been sleeping like shit, dreaming constantly and waking up a handful of times in the early morning

I did the responsible thing and made an appointment with my psychiatrist

Tried to make one with my therapist, but she's on leave again and they don't know when or if she's coming back

I don't blame her, I wish I could disappear too

Not like she can really help me anyway, I don't even really know what my psychiatrist will suggest apart from increasing or changing my medication

She can't prescribe me an affordable home or a better job or a maid service

My house has been such a wreck this week

Part of the reason I left early and came home was to clean because even though I'm exhausted I couldn't focus on anything, I kept thinking about the messes at home and knew I wouldn't have the energy to deal with them after work

One of the cats peed on the floor because their grass pads were in the wash and I hadn't had the strength to finish washing them, another cat had puked on the floor and I had just thrown a towel over it, I haven't showered in 3 days, I was out of clean pants, the dishwasher needed to be emptied, and I can't finish restoring the color to my black garments because I need the stockpots to boil water for the dye and they're both dirty

I've been prioritizing my basic needs the last week or so, but I'm still not getting any better

I made myself do a bunch of chores, but I'm still only halfway done and I'm in a sour mood, my fuse is so short

I keep getting frustrated and angry at every little thing

I just keep thinking I hate this, I hate that

I want to finish because I feel anxious knowing there's still work to do and I want it done before work tomorrow, otherwise I don't think I'll be able to rest

I want to do something nice for myself, but everything costs money, so what?

I just don't want to be here

[vivacoded]

October 3, 2023

Current Mood: anxious, unsure

Day Rating: 4.5/10

Another day of very little work to do for college. I just took my quizzes (which I passed, by the way) and that was about it. This week has been suspiciously uneventful college-wise. Maybe I'll find some extra work just to satisfy my suspicions lmao. I can work on writing or programming too though!

Unfortunately, I've been way too anxious to think about such activities. See, I'll be having my first meeting with a driving instructor tomorrow. No matter what I do, I can't seem to find anything that will tell me what to expect tomorrow. Neither of my parents had an instructor, and I'm the oldest sibling, so no one in my family has any advice for me. I'm hoping my instructor will be patient with me. I'm an incredibly anxious person, ESPECIALLY if I'm going into an event I wasn't able to prepare for. I doubt he'll throw me right into highways or anything, but I doubt we'll be driving around my little neighborhood for two hours straight either.

I mean, I have some experience on real roads. I spent this evening and yesterday evening out on the road. Today I even went to some stores near me! I went up to 30mph too which, as silly as it may sound to someone who has driven for a while already, it's the fastest I've gone so far. Since it was dark out, I was extra aware of my surroundings, but there were also less cars out. I'll be out with my instructor during the early evening during rush hour which is... Scary. God, just typing that out made my heart start pounding. I really can't back out of this now, but I wish I could go out driving a little earlier when there's less people. I guess going during rush hour will give me more experience, just like driving during the dark today.

I want to learn to drive so badly so I can have that freedom, but I also don't want to learn at all. Cars are horrifying. People are horrifying. I wish America wasn't built around cars. Oh, how I would love to walk to places. I'd even learn how to ride a bike so I can travel that way.

On a brighter note, today was Olivine's birthday :)!! I really wanted to celebrate it more today, but I was too busy being a nervous wreck about driving. I actually had plans to post on my Nu: Carnival blog for his birthday too. I haven't posted there in months. Sigh. I wasn't able to focus on Olivine's birthday too much, but that's okay. I still love him <3

Hm. I thought I had more to say, but now my mind feels totally blank. Guess I'll stop here for tonight. Just more time to try and relax myself enough to sleep, I suppose!

[poz-oh-legirl]

I feel just so anxious and sick to my stomach right now for reasons I will not speak of, but on top of all of that I’m just really craving some shrimp and cocktail sauce.

[tayegi]

Bro! I'm so scared for what Jungkook's gonna do now that he found out what happened between Jimin and the mc. I legit thought he was gonna hit her, but now that he walked out I have a feeling he went out to find Jimin and things could go really bad and its nerve wrecking. Jk is really obsessive and the fact that she was anxious the whole time, I don't blame her. Tbh, I was scared of you updating a new chapter because I knew shit was about to go down, but the worst has yet to even come.

Anonymous said:Sorry cuz I might have sent an ask prematurely. Anyways, I feel really feel bad for the OC with Jungkook being so controlling and manipulative and Jimin neglecting her and putting her second to Jungkook. Personally I don't see an ending where the OC ends with either or where Jungkook and Jimin get together. I hope they find a way out of this toxic situation they found themselves in. Thanks you for the update by the way! It was an entertaining read. ^^

Anonymous said:Dude, I feel so bad for the OC. Being controlled and manipulated by Jungkook while simultaneously being put second by Jimin

Anonymous said:omfg i just read equilibrium 12 and i was literally so scared the entire time. holy shit, i really hope Jimin figures out whats happening and does something :/

Anonymous said:daaaamn lu the latest chapter of equilibrium gave me the chills at 1am :") as someone very lacking of sleep rn, i feel bad that the oc can't get proper rest with jjk around.. cant wait for the day she finally stands up for herself!!!! (if she ever does)

Anonymous said:Jimin has to know something is up. He may have been blindsided by jk while he was there, but Mc was too obvious when he was gone. Also, jks reaction to the condom confused me. I was expecting him to be furious and get violent. Is this to show how unstable he is? That one moment his "love" (really just possessiveness) is crushing (threat) the next it's "sweet" (the necklace) and the next it's like this. Or is it cuz this "victim" act Mc will blame herself and stay (violence could drive her away)

Anonymous said:Her situation makes me sick. It makes me feel like puking. The worst part is that this can happen to anyone. They can be strong and take no bs, but if someone like jk manages to weasel into their Iives, it can all be stripped down. And most won't consciously realize "this is abuse" and/or can't go through the steps to get out. Like the Mc knows this isn't right, but doesn't/can't leave. I feel trapped just reading, can't imagine what it feels like to actually be in that situation

Anonymous said:This is the second time she's thought he'd hit her omfg pls gurl run away 😭😭😭

Anonymous said:I read the the new chapter of Equilibrium and it's amazing how you convey feelings. I feel really uncomfortable thinking about the relationship between the three, it seems so unhealthy and destroying. Jimin is using her body, Jungkook treats her like a possession and the oc does nothing to get out of that and even encourages this behavior even. She wants to run after Jungkook and there are so many more examples that I have to reread it later. Thank you for writing and sharing your work ♥♥♥

Anonymous said:Oh god I read the new Equilibrium chapter and holy shit Jungkook is getting more and more terrifying. It's amazing how well you depict the character's fear towards him and I really really wish she would just leave and run away but seeing how the story is playing out so far I don't see that happening... even I feel fear for her D: that just goes to show how well you write out the events of the story and the character's emotions/reactions to them!!

Anonymous said:The entirety of the new chapter of Equilibrium had me screaming 'everyone should just gtfo of that awful, toxic relationship' Like everytime the OC was worried about the backlash from JK just for kissing Jimin. Bitch, that's fucking psychological abuse, I wish the characters would realize that its not healthy or okay in the slightest. Props for writing such a nuanced story & capturing common relationship tropes in media that are glorified as romantic but are actual abusive af. Love you :)

Anonymous said:Equilibrium got me fucked up. I honestly don't know what to feel but I don't feel great reading about abuse when I have to wait for what happens next (no rush honestly stories like this just make me think to no end about what's next and gives me secondhand nerves) but I just cannot stop. I'm just so worried about everything going on in this relationship and how unhealthy it is. On another note, thank you for another great chapter, I'm sure how it'll play out will have me shook.

Anonymous said:Ahhh, I had a feeling you had updated today for some reason!! Thanks!

Anonymous said:Oh man it's getting so intense with the new chapter...I'm actually getting kind for scared for Jimin now with possessive Jungkook raging all over the place. Just hoping Jimin might actually catch on with Y/N's actions :( MY GOSH DOES JIMIN EVEN LIKE Y/N WHAT"S GOING ON LIKE SERIOUSLY! Jungkook you are now officially on the bottom of my list lol

kyarybunny said:It's unnerving to read how 'safe' was used to explain Jungkook's absence... So many examples of this being abusive. Plus she thought he was about to hit her?!? Also reading the climax (ha) between her&Jimin was like a let down (on his part, not u) He probably felt hurt when the response was immediately addressing Jungkook (That quick exit) but he didn't even try to reciprocate :/ or even look her in the face smh... But YOU'RE SO GREAT AT WRITING it made me upset in a good way! I enjoyed reading~

Anonymous said:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA fuck nvm. I can't do this. My hearts hurting. I just want to take her out of there. Kick that asshole in the face. Keep her safe and protected from shit holes like him. I can't read this tonight. I'm not gonna be able to sleep. See ya tomorrow. I'll try again tomorrow. Shit lu you're gonna kill me one day. Either you or bigshit. You both have the amazing abilities to drop stuff when it's least expected but when it's the most effective. K peace. C ya tomorrow

Anonymous said:Ah you really surprised me with that new chapter of equilibrium was about to go to bed then I saw it and just had to read it. The writing is really well done, the possessiveness that Jungkook displays towards the oc is so scary, and poor jimin doesn't suspect a thing. And that ending scene was so scary to read I didn't know what he was going to do when he found out. I really loved it. Can't wait to see how the story progresses from here. 😊

Anonymous said:OMFFF SHITS GOING DOWWWNNNN!!!! Low key super worried but high key super keen to see what happens next! Another amazing piece of writing as always! xxx

Anonymous said:both of oc's boyfriends are assholes omg and ones fucking crazy

Anonymous said:Jungkook is being kind of dick, on the one hand I get he feels betrayed, but it doesn't excuse the possessive nature! He wanted to be in a poly Relationship! He doesn't get to call the shots. Jimin is no better, the MC isn't innocent either and it's so good. You write such complex literary characters.

Anonymous said:newest chap of Equilibrium was so good. i could honestly feel the reader's fear. i actually got sick to my stomach, i was so frightened. like a++++ job with that writing, you got some mad skills, girl.

AH THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR RECOGNIZING PSYCHOLOGICAL AND MENTAL ABUSE!!! the girls from previous chapters who thought this was “sexy” seriously scared the shit out of me. Nothing of this is acceptable whatsoever. It’s completely unhealthy and all of the characters need to get out of this situation, tbh haha

THANK YOU FOR READING, MY LOVES, AND FOR BEING SUCH A LOVELY, RECEPTIVE AUDIENCE. I LOVE YOU ALL

[iolite-aquila]

Am on a "smooth song" kick rn. Not like. Jazz or anything but ones that are syrupy or flowy. Most of today has been me listening to Sky Full of Song and Arsonists lullaby. The accoustic of Believer is pretty up there rn too. I just like the softness to them and how theyre a little sad but still rich and sweet. Ive just been tired lately and I'm /still/ trying to get rid of this cough and ive been sleeping so much and as nice as it is I normally never sleep during the day so for me to be napping so often just makes me anxious and frustrated and ive been so busy but I feel like I'm wasting time when I accidentally fall asleep during my down time and I'm just mentally exhausted. I feel pressured to do things and what I just want is some down time. But I have tons of down time I just keep sleeping through it. I'm just a wreck but I cant even slow down and focus on me bc there's more to do tomorrow. Theres people I worry about and things I should get done and I should be utilizing my time better but I'm just 😥😥😥😥😥. I feel like I barely have the energy to do anything outside of work and school /which arent even that difficult/ but theyre so time consuming and I'm constantly interacting with people to the point where I get home and want to hide in my room but I feel bad for not spending time with my parents and I already feel bad for not spending more time with my friends and in just tired and upset and anxious and uts like. I feel fine but almost like this upswing in mood ive had is just a facade and when I was more depressed and unmotivated I felt more stable. I was walking then but now its like I'm walking down a hill. Every step is a controlled fall and the moment I try to go faster I feel like I'm losing my footing. I want to stop walking and take a break. I want to stop worrying and being tired all the time. Functionality is wonderful but just because in moving doesnt mean I want to move all the time. If I keep going like this I might fall but I cant because I'm finally getting good grades in school and I have a job and even if the department feels like its going to shit bc we have one glorified manager who is more of a worker and we are p much short staffed right before someone is scheduled for a vacation and at this point I might be close to working enough to qualify as full time and damn if that doesnt explain why I feel like I'm drowning and the moment I try to swim to shore ill be putting a weight on someone else