#I'm going to be a wreck tomorrow I'm too anxious to sleep

[bm571158]

Free Now LN4 (Part 29)

As the weekend went on, and Lando kept topping the time sheets, the pressure began to build and Lando began to get more and more stressed. He'd done a good job of putting on a front when they were with everyone else, but as soon as they were alone in the hotel room after qualifying Lottie had seen quite what a toll the weekend was having on him.

"Hey, Lando." She called, as he paced back and forth in the space at the end of the bed in their hotel room, apparently oblivious to the fact that she'd been trying to get his attention for the last five minutes. With a groan, she got to her feet, grabbing hold of him as he passed by her again. "Lando, stop."

He turned to face her, looking confused, the phone he'd been holding in his hand being thrown on to the bed as his hands automatically found their way to her waist. "Sorry, what were you saying?"

"I was asking if you were okay?" She asked quietly, looking up at him. "You're going to wear a hole in the carpet if you carry on doing that."

"I'm-"

"Do not even think about saying the word fine." She cut him off. Her hands landed on his shoulders, fingers slowly kneading the tense muscles there as he dropped his head to look at floor, avoiding her eyes.

"I'm worried about tomorrow." He said quietly, his voice a barely audible whisper.

The way his eyes flickered to his phone laying screen up on the bed had Lottie following his line of sight, and when she caught sight of what he'd been reading she understood. The page was open on an in-depth analysis of every mistake he'd made starting from pole last year.

"I thought we agreed you weren't going to look at that." She sighed. "Whatever happened last year, it doesn't mean the same is going to happen this year."

"Half of the people are expecting me to go out there and win tomorrow." He told her. "And the other half, well they'll be rooting for me to fail."

"And I'll be cheering you on, no matter what happens." Lottie said softly, leaning into give him a kiss. "You've been amazing all weekend, there's absolutely no reason why tomorrow won't be a good day. But if it isn't, you still get to come home with me either way."

He swept her up in a hug so tight it almost took her breath away, burying his face in her hair. "What did I do to deserve you?" He mumbled.

"I could say the same thing about you." She said softly. "Look, whatever is going to happen tomorrow... it'll happen. You reading all that crap and getting in your own head about it, it's not going to help. I think we just need to get some rest."

"I'm never going to be able to sleep." He sighed. "My head is spinning. I wish mum hadn't brought everyone here to watch me fuck up."

"You're not going to fuck anything up." Lottie told him firmly. "You're amazing, and you can absolutely do this. You've been flying all weekend."

That was half of the problem though. He'd been so unbelievably dominant all weekend, topping all three practice sessions and then taking pole position in qualifying, the media had really started to hype it up. As much as he tried to shut it all out and ignore it, it was impossible. It had been the topic of every interview, every question directed his way about the fight for the drivers championship that the press seemed to have decided was well and truly underway.

He didn't want to think like that, preferring to just take it one race at a time and think about the weekend in front of him. The bigger picture was far too overwhelming, thinking about that was what had left him pacing up and down like an anxious wreck in the first place.

"It's not this weekend." He admitted quietly, still unable to meet her eyes as the words tumbled out of him. "It's... it's what this might mean for the rest of the season. If I can win this... if I don't fuck it up... then I've somehow got to get through the whole rest of the season without making any more mistakes."

Lottie's fingers grasped his chin, lifting his head up enough that he had no choice but to meet her eyes. "You can do this." She said firmly. "I one hundred percent believe that you can do this. I have faith in you, and you need to have some faith in yourself too." She gave him a quick kiss, pulling away and studying his expression carefully.

"That's a lot easier said than done." He sighed, head leaning into her touch. No matter how many times people tried to encourage him and convince him it was going to be okay, it always seemed to end with him wide awake in the middle of the night, staring at the ceiling and imagining quite how crushing it was going to be when he ended up missing out on the title again at the end of this season.

"I know." Lottie agreed softly. "But I'm right here, and you have to try. Come on, let's get some sleep."

"I'm never going to manage to sleep." He sighed, the nauseating feeling of anxiety twisting in his stomach again. His heart was pounding in his chest and his mind racing. None of it was going to allow him to get any sleep.

"Come on." Lottie took his hand, tugging him towards the bathroom.

He followed after her mindlessly, quietly impressed that she was steady enough on her feet that she'd managed to pull him along with her, until the two of them were stood in the bathroom.

"What are we doing?" He looked at her in confusion as she leaned into the shower to turn the water on.

"We're going to take a nice hot shower to help you relax a bit." She told him, looking at him as though the answer was incredibly obvious. "Then, I'm going to make us a cup of tea and we're going to put on some crappy Netflix film and lay in bed until you fall asleep."

****

While he had eventually fallen asleep, he'd woken up even more jittery than he had been the night before. He'd point blank refused to eat anything at breakfast, while insisting that Lottie needed to eat to keep her strength up for the day ahead. She'd tried to point out to him that if one of them needed the fuel for the day ahead, then it was definitely him, but he'd shaken his head and told her to leave it in a way that stopped her from pushing this issue any further. She'd just finished her toast, drunk the rest of her coffee and then headed out to the car with him.

She'd been planning to go to the track with Flo again, but something about how nervous he'd looked had her insisting that she'd come with him instead. The rest of the family were waiting for the final two Norris siblings to arrive before they headed over, and she didn't want him going in on his own while he was so wound up about the day ahead.

He'd barely said a word to her on the way to the track, in fact he'd barely said a word all morning, but the sound of his fingers drumming nervously against the steering wheel filled the car instead. The closer they got to the track, the slower the traffic moved, and the noisier the fans outside got.

As they crawled through the traffic to get to the entrance to the paddock, Lando attempted to put a smile on his face, reluctantly waving to the groups of fans that had gathered in the hope of catching a glimpse of their favourite driver. "I think it's going to be a bit crazy out here." He warned Lottie as he parked the car.

"It'll be okay. Don't worry about me." She reassured him, giving his arm a squeeze. She wasn't entirely convinced, she'd been lucky enough arriving later and with Flo and his Mum that no one had really paid any mind to them as they came in, but this was going go be an entirely different experience, she could already tell.

He parked the car, turned off the engine but made absolutely no move to get out.

"You can do this." Lottie reminded him softly. "It's going to be okay."

"Let's get this bit over and done with." Lando groaned, reaching for the car door. "One step at a time and all that."

He reappeared at the passenger side door, opening Lottie's door for her and offering her a hand to help her up, before he reached into the back to pull her crutch out and handed it to her.

"Ready?" She asked, taking his hand with her free hand and interlacing their fingers.

"Ready." He agreed. "We need to head that way." He pointed to the cut through in the barriers.

"Alright. Let's go." Lottie agreed.

He walked a little slower than usual, allowing Lottie to keep pace with him relatively easily. It also meant that he managed to sign a few things for fans on the way in without actually having to stop for long enough to have to speak to anyone. The whole way through Lottie kept hold of his hand, a quiet but encouraging smile on her face every time he glanced back at her.

The two of them did eventually reach the turnstiles to get into the paddock, and he was relieved to find it was early enough that it was still fairly quiet around, just a few photographers that Lottie did her absolute best to ignore. It left the two of them plenty of time to amble up to McLaren without anyone really around to interrupt them.

"Thank you." Lando said quietly, squeezing her hand as they continued to walk along beside eachother slowly.

"For what?" Lottie looked at him, puzzled.

"For being here, for keeping me sane... for making sure I actually got some sleep last night." He mumbled. He could go on, the list was endless really.

"You'd have been fine all on your own." She smiled. "But it's going to be a good day, I've got a good feeling about today. Trust me."

"Come on, we'd better get up there before Andrea comes looking for me." Lando sighed. "Are you sure you're going to be alright on your own while I go to the meetings?"

"I'll be fine." Lottie nodded. "I don't think the rest of your family will be long now, and I can sit down and put my feet up, maybe have a coffee while you're gone."

They were about halfway down to McLaren when Oscar had joined them, slowing his pace considerably to fall in to step with Lottie and Lando. "How are you feeling about today?" Lottie asked him, deciding to fill the silence. Lando had as apparently too lost in thought to make conversation with his teammate.

"Not as hopeful as Lando I'm sure." Oscar gave her a rueful smile. Qualifying certainly had not been kind to him the day before, and he was starting a lot further down the grid than anyone would have liked.

"You'll be great, both of you." Lottie smiled.

"What about you?" Oscar asked. "It's your first race weekend, right? How are you finding it?"

Lottie glanced over at Lando, who still didn't look like he'd heard a word that either of them had said, before turning her attention back to Oscar to answer his question. "It's been good, I'm enjoying it. It'll be more fun once I can walk a bit better and get around a bit more easily, I'm sure. But it's nice to be here to cheer you both on."

"I uh... I saw the stuff online about what happened to you." Oscar mumbled awkwardly, looking conflicted about whether he should confess to having read it or not. "That must've really, really sucked."

"Yeah." Lottie nodded. "It did... it does... but well, there's nothing I can do about it now."

Oscar was saved having to come up with an awkward response as they reached the doors of the McLaren hospitality, a couple of members of the team descending on him and Lando before they'd even fully made it through the door.

"I'm really sorry babe, but I'm going to have to go." Lando sighed, leaning in to give her a quick kiss. "Are you sure you're alright?"

"I'm fine." She reassured him again. "You go and do what you need to do. I'll be here when you're done. I'll get a coffee and text Flo to see how long they're going to be."

"Alright." Lando sighed incredibly unenthusiastically. "I'll come and find you in a bit."

****

Despite his promise to catch up with her, the next time she saw Lando was in the garage as he was getting ready for the race. Whatever it was that the team had needed him for, they'd kept him busy for the most of the morning.

"Hey guys." He'd wandered across the garage, already dressed with his suit tied around his waist, wrapping an arm around Lottie as he came to stand beside her.

"There you are! We were starting to think that you were hiding from us. Mum dragged us out here and we haven't even seen you." His brother joked.

Lando laughed, but it didn't sound genuine. "Sorry, Ollie. It's been a busy day." He sighed. "Are you all alright?"

"We're fine." Cisca reassured him. "You know they always look after us well. How are you feeling? Are you ready?"

"As I'll ever be I guess." He shrugged, turning his attention to Lottie for a moment. "How about you? Are you okay? Where's your chair?"

"I'm find standing for a bit." She reassured him, hand landing on his chest as he pulled her in a little closer. "I'll sit down once you get started so I can watch properly."

"And you managed to get some lunch? Did you walk up here? I asked them to come and pick you up again?"

"Lando, I'm fine." She repeated. "A very nice guy in a golf cart came and picked me and Flo up to bring us down here earlier after we'd had lunch. You dont need to worry about me, I'm absolutely fine."

"Good." He planted a kiss on the top of her head, unable to hold back a quiet laugh as he looked up and met Flo's eye.

"Stop it." Flo rolled her eyes at him. "As cute as you two are, she's still my best friend and I don't want to be thinking about that. Okay?"

"Be nice, Flo." Cisca warned.

"On that note, I'd better go." Lando sighed, glancing over his shoulder at the clock behind them that was steadily counting down to the start of the race.

"Good luck." Lottie whispered in his ear, wrapping him in a hug. "You've got this, I know you have."

"I really fucking hope so." He mumbled, pressing a quick kiss to her lips as he reluctantly let go of her. With a a quick round of hugs and good luck wishes from the rest of his family, he picked up his helmet and headed towards the car.

None of them had even dared to breathe as they waited for the lights to go out at the start of the race, Flo hanging on to Lottie's arm so tightly it was almost painful, as they all sat and stared at the screen.

He didn't get away terribly, it wasn't fantastic but it was enough to hang onto his lead into the first corner, which Lottie could only hope was half the mental battle won for Lando. The race was in no way over though, and he wasn't pulling away in the way that the team would have liked him to. It certainly wasn't going to be an easy one where he could get out in front and then check out. Every couple of laps Max would catch up to him, the two of them going into a couple of corners horribly close to each-other, but each time Lando some how just about managed to hang on to his lead.

They got a lucky break in the form of a slow pit stop for the redbull, the rear right tyre not wanting to come off, and the relief in Lando's voice as the message was relayed to him by his engineer was audible. It took the pressure off him considerably, the next nearest car to him being a little over five seconds away.

The number of laps remaining ticked down steadily, Lando maintaining his lead out in front and Oscar steadily climbing his way up the field much to the relief of the team.

It wasn't until he'd actually crossed the finish line that Lottie allowed herself to relax, wrapped up in a hug by Cisca as everyone celebrated for him. She didn't miss the tone of Lando's voice as he thanked the team over the radio though, a quiet air of sadness and anxiety to his tone as he spoke, one that she could have missed if she hadn't known him so well.

"Looks like we're going out to celebrate tonight!" Flo grinned. "Are you coming down to the podium with us?"

"I wouldn't miss it." Lottie nodded, following after Flo as the McLaren team also began pouring out of the garage.

She stood there against the barriers with his family, Flo doing an excellent job of standing behind her and making sure the crowd behind them didn't knock into her. They watched as the papaya McLaren pulled in, taking its spot behind the P1 marker. He didn't get out immediately though, sitting in the car for long enough that the mechanics had already arrived to attach the fans to the car, one of them actually leaning into check if he was okay. Whatever he said, they patted him on the top of his helmet and carried on, a minute later Lando climbed out of the car.

He pulled his helmet off, making his way over to pick up the waiting bottle of water and gulping it down, before he made his way over. He made his way down the barrier, high fiving members of the McLaren team, hugging both of his parents and then finally reaching Lottie.

"I told you, you could do it." Lottie smiled, wrapping him in the tightest hug she could manage.

He didn't say anything, just hanging on to her like she was a lifeline, his face buried in her neck. "Are you okay?" She whispered in his ear.

He didn't answer her, but his expression as he pulled away from her to go and get weighed told her everything she needed to know, he looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders as he walked away.

"We're definitely going out to celebrate tonight!" Flo grinned as they stood waiting for the podium.

"Yeah." Lottie agreed, although as he walked out on to the podium with a wave, Lando still didn't look like he particularly felt like celebrating and Lottie was trying to work out why.

He stood looking deep in thought as the anthem was played, and had then very half heartedly sprayed some champagne, grabbing his trophy and disappearing off the podium as soon as possible.

He was back at McLaren by the time Lottie and Flo had navigated the crowds to get back from the podium, Lottie telling Flo she was going to go and find him and slowly making her way up the stairs to find his drivers room. She hesitated outside the door, hand raised to knock, not knowing she should just let herself in or not. Eventually, she tapped on the door at the same time as sliding it open, peering her head around it.

"Lando?" Once she stepped in far enough, she caught sight of him, sat on the floor leaning against the wall, knees drawn up to his chin and looking distinctly teary eyed. "Hey, what's wrong?"

He didn't move, and she very awkwardly lowered herself on to the floor, shuffling along until she was sitting next to him. She wrapped her arms around him, holding him as tightly as she could manage as his breathing came in short, sharp bursts. She could feel him shaking as she held him, he just continued to stare blankly at the trophy she'd just won.

"Lando?" Lottie prompted. "What's going on? Say something, literally anything. Please?"

"What am I supposed to do now?" He mumbled.

"We can sit here for a bit? If you need a minute?" Lottie suggested. She didn't know what to suggest really, she still couldn't work o it what was going on. Really, he should be on top of the world having just won, and instead he looked like his world had just ended.

"No but what am I going to do?" He repeated as if it made the question clearer. "He should've beaten me, he would've beaten me if it hadn't been for that pitstop. Everyone knows it already. I didn't do a good enough job, I don't deserve this." He gestured at the trophy. It had been relentless in the press conference, the reporters all questioning whether or not Lando could still have beaten Max if Red bull had done a better job of the pitstop. He'd smiled, brushed it off with a joke as had max, but the question was already eating him alive.

"You don't know what would've happened if they hadn't messed the pitstop up." Lottie reasoned with him. "You looked like you were doing a pretty good job of holding your own out there until that happened anyway. Who's to say you wouldn't have beaten him anyway?"

"I'm saying I wouldn't have." He muttered unhappily. "I'm not good enough. I would've messed something up, I always do."

Lottie just stayed quiet, holding him so tightly it was like she was trying to stick all his broken pieces back together, her hands trailing soothingly up and down his back, occasionally brushing over the mop of messy curls on the top of his head, her lips pressing soft kisses to the top of his head as he leaned against her.

"I don't know if I can do this again, Lottie." He whispered. "Last year was... I don't think I can do it again."

[coyoteprince]

Would you like to share what happened in Savannah? After my own paranormal experience I am fond of listening to/reading other people's!

For general public disclaimer, I'm aware this is woo-woo, but I have had a life-long relationship with death and many ghosts experiences, despite not looking for them. My Savannah experience is... well, my own, and my partner who was there at my side didn't see or feel anything. Don't go to a "haunted" place with intention of seeing a ghost, you'll probably just be disappointed or make yourself anxious for no reason.

Contains Foley House, the black shuck, and a raw record written the night of the Sorrel Weed house absolutely wrecking my ass:

Foley House:

We stayed in room 403, but I'm not aware of any historical significance other than it being one of the original rooms of the house.

I highly recommend this place to stay and the room felt outright "welcoming" in a strange way, as if I was always meant to be There, specifically, but that might be the special interest euphoria. I'd been aching to sleep in an old Victorian room again.

The first moment of displeasure was when I was having breakfast with my partner in one of the corner windows. We were pleasantly chatting when I suddenly went silent, thrown onto a freeze state with my blood running cold and my nerves shot. I saw nothing, but I could feel "someone" suddenly enter the room, simply observe us by standing in the middle of the rug in front of the bed, then turn and walk out. My blood warmed quickly after they left, my limbs shaking. I logically didn't see them as a threat- I've had this happen before- but my body reacted to the environment being very abruptly "Wrong" on a primal level all the same.

Another night- the night coming back from Sorrel- in that room I was jolted awake by a deafening blood curdling scream which certainly kept me awake for a long time. Every time I tried to sleep that night I'd have very disturbed visions that'd jolt me back awake. You can write this off as my intense experience influencing me as I do have a history of "exploding head syndrome" and sleep paralysis, though I haven't experienced it in a long time until that night and haven't experienced it again since. Thought I'd include it anyway.

On the street:

I see black dogs as a divine messenger and protector in my spirituality, and boy did I kept running into them in Savannah to the point that it felt on the nose. It was a sign that I'd achieved something, that I'm where I need to be, and that it was time for another huge (metaphorical) death in my life so that I can secure my future- and in the most hopeful but absolutely weary way possible, boy am I going through it right now haha. The third night of the Savannah trip was when I suddenly came to terms that I'm literally working myself to death and need to change how I view and care for myself before it's too late.

If anyone is looking for the huge antique Baskervilles Hound painting that I ran into, it's at Six Pence Pub.

Sorrel Weed

Following is what I wrote for myself the immediate night of getting back from Sorrel, so this is a very fresh, rattled, and stream of consciousness record. I normally don't really like posting something like this, but always feel something intuitive and fresh like this is the most genuine way to relay paranormal experiences. TL:DR: Saw weird thing in courtyard. Got sick a lot very suddenly. Met a very nice skull person. Got fucked up on spooky couch. Got even more fucked up from body reacting to the stress after leaving.

"I accidentally missed the normal historical architecture tour for the Sorrel Weed house and had to take a late night ghost-focused one. Wanted the normal tour but we leave tomorrow so its this or nothing. Didn't go into it expecting anything and was excited to take lots of reference photos for Widderwood, as usual.

Saw something in the garden and knew immediately things were going to be weird tonight. White flash, person height, within courtyard and in front of street entrance. Actually really funny in the moment because I Did Not Want That Thing To Have Just Happened but I'm so used to experiencing the woo-woo that I just mentally went "oh god dammit" defeated.

Felt fine, excited for architecture, then passed the threshold and... my flight response suddenly goes off. Hard. Right into the master of the house office and I get supremely bad vertigo. Got annoyed because I was trying to listen to the history of the place, but vertigo kept rising which made me wobble on my cane. I came here mainly to collect art reference but I knew then and there that I did Not want a single photo of this place on my phone. I don't know why, even- just in the moment I couldn't stand the idea of keeping photos of this place.

I kept getting sick and vertigo, but only in Very specific locations. Mostly stayed at the back and tried to hide my discomfort to not influence anyone in the tour group. Downstairs, servant's quarters, I could feel a busy "echo" in the catch-all work room where cooking and various chores would have been done- I'm not sure how to explain but it was like a vibration that unsettled me a bit? Just very weird.

Funny, I felt the safest in the near-black basement grain room, which saw civil war trauma surgery and acted as a morgue for a few years. An antique wheelchair was to the side of the gurney (special interest euphoria, hello). To the other side of the room, a female skull that was sourced from a denture manufacturer. She was beautiful- so, so beautiful that I kept coming back to look her in the face with a very comforted smile on my own. Absolutely radiant energy. In the same room to another corner, a couch that we are allowed to sit upon and may feel someone sit next to us. Well, I certainly needed a rest from standing, and I didn't feel anyone, but I sure did have such a strong, sudden vertigo that I made a surprised noise and slumped back for a few minutes close to fainting. The second I got some wind back I got off the couch and mentally went "haha, No". Wooziness is nothing new to me, but I felt trapped and heavy for a solid few minutes- never had that happen before, genuinely startling.

Our very kind tour guide could tell something was up with me, keeping an eye on my reactions. I was trying to not be too vocal about what I was experiencing, just manage my symptoms as normal, but it's obvious she knew I was Going Thru It. In private we discussed my connection to death, she showed us her Victorian mourning jewelry, and agreed the ossified woman in the doctor's case was beautiful. The tour guide told me the skull's name in life- Zarina- and though I'm doubtful of her original acquirement post-death and what she expected of her remains, it still felt sacred to be allowed to know her name and look upon her. Other people in the group kept making "eww creepy" comments toward her and I get it, I Do, but I wish I could have figured out what to say to gently suggest to see her as a person rather than a scary death item. I am glad I met Zarina. The other ghost tales- like the chair in the for some reason scary red lighted hall (why tho)- I did hover around but didn't experience anything.

Leaving the property, I felt a bit numb but my nausea and vertigo lifted over a few blocks. Our walk to our room was short, followed by... my body going into minor shock as soon as we got back to our room. I shook for at least an hour, I think its taken me most of the night just to get my body's responses to level.

I feel so energetically drained, different from my normal disability related fatigue, yet the entire time I was mentally calm. My body has felt this before, there is a difference. Chronic stress disorder and autism make me incredibly sensitive to the environment around me but it's been a minute since my body has reacted so... violently to atmosphere without obvious cause. The strongest since experiencing that fucked up abandoned house in Ohio over a decade ago. I didn't expect to taste such heavy air like that again, least of all when I was mostly hoping to take reference.

Sorrel Weed offers proper ghost investigations, which seemed like a fun thought to try in the future. I walked in excited for historical reference, but walked out somewhat harrowed instead. Now, I'm certain that I cannot entertain the idea of ghost hunting or else I will be at very real risk of a full medical episode... at least in that house."

[kyehwas]

YOUR IDOL ☆ ~ CHAPTER VI

YOU CHOSE : ANSWER THE CALL

CONTINUE? Y / N

YOU SELECTED, Y. CONTINUING

"Hello..?"

"Ah, y/n! I was hoping this was the right number!"

"Rui?"

"Mhm!" You were wondering why he called you. As if he read your mind, he answered, "I wanted to tell you that Mizuki is making the outfits and they're going to be ready by the end of the week! They're starting with prep right now, but they're going to need to measure everyone too."

"I see." You were still an anxious wreck while talking to Rui. It might be because you're like this with anyone new you meet but still, he was an idol. Or, going to be tomorrow. There were a few seconds of silence before you said, "I'm going to go to sleep, I want to be ready for tomorrow."

"I think I should get going to sleep too. After all, I will be the one performing up stage." Rui giggled, "Well, good night, y/n."

He hung up, leaving your room soundless once again, the only noise being your gentle breathing. You then realized you should've asked Rui for everyone else's phone numbers. Oh well. You went on Instagram and looked at the social media account Toya created. You followed it from your private account then put your phone down. You would be ready for tomorrow by the time you woke up, hopefully.

taglist : @ishowerinlemonade, @namedmiki, @luhvashh, @memoriesmelody, @toyaswif3y, @nyx-u, @woozixo,@akiyamasmizuki ask to be added ♡

☆ notes : I'll add some romance with the other characters soon! Rui was the first one down, so hopefully I do my favorite ginger next <3 thank you for reading!!!

[papercutsunset]

Right As Rain

FFF 261: Maybe One More

This is a piece for @flashfictionfridayofficial, clocking in at 1000 words. I'd say more but it's 2:16 AM, I'm worn out from crying and chlorine, and I have to pee very badly, so I shan't.

There could be content warnings for this one; there's some mentions of vomiting and some depictions of internalized aphobia in here. (Jeanette has issues with both. She's an anxious little wreck. I'll fix her someday, when she's not Schrodinger's superhero.) (I've been on a superhero kick. I started one for last week's prompt, just to complete it, but you know im not going to finish it.)

“Why can't I come over?” Simon whines through the speaker. 

“I already told you,” Jeannette laughs. She cradles the phone against her shoulder, clumsily putting the fastener by her mask’s bridge mound back in place with chipped tweezers. “It's not a good time.” 

“Why not?” 

“It's just not! I don't feel well, my room's a wreck, my dad is pissed at me—” 

If her life were a movie, Jeanette likes to think it would make some crisp cinematography choices. The twinging 1960s pop slipping out of the whirring CD player on her desk’s corner would kick up into an indie pop inferno and there would be a series of small cuts away from its coyly-placed view of a normal teenage girl tending to her abnormal hobby. When she said she doesn't feel well, the camera would cut to Omega Satyr kicking her in the kidney ten minutes ago; at the state of her room, maybe there would be a small clip of her stumbling in through the window, trying to get her dumb boots off, and leaving pieces of Jawbone all around her already-messy room like a gas mask can be dirty laundry; and when she mentions that her dad’s upset, it would cut to an imposing man in voluminous black robes pointing angrily into the depths of the sewers she accidentally got them lost in today.  

In the spirit of cinema, she holds up a tooth on her desk. Hers.

Does she feel at all? Pain, sure, but… Does she feel anything for Simon in the way she's supposed to? Does she feel anything other than disappointment when she tries?  “Mostly, though, I just don't feel well.” 

“Boo. You suck.” 

“I don't deserve this slander, Simon. And I think I'm going to throw up again.”  None of it's serious. That's why it's so easy to talk to him; that's why it's so easy to keep this going. 

“I-swear-to-god, that's not a stomach bug.” 

“And you still love me,” she reminds him. Her stomach twists at the thought. She isn’t sure why. 

“Yeah,” he says, after a moment. “I love you, Jeanette.” 

“I love you, too. Goodnight, Simon. Have fun watching Back to the Future again. Without me.” 

“Sleep well. Don’t stay up too late listening to that shitty Sheila Guthrie album.” 

“Hey! Sheila Guthrie is amazing.” 

“Who the fuck is Sheila Guthrie? Nobody’s heard of her.” 

“You’ve heard of her.” 

“Yeah,” he reminds her, as always, “because I’m dating you.” 

“Well, she’s good. For that matter, so is—” 

“And so is whatever else you want to tell me tomorrow, Jenny.” There’s a laugh in his voice. “Don’t forget, paper’s sending us out to the shoreline? To look at the plant? Just us interns?” 

“How lucky am I?” She wonders why it feels like an act. “I get to work at Crust Lust and I intern with my boyfriend and—” 

“And I’m hanging up on you because I love you too much to let this continue. I know you.” 

“Please cut me off,” she breathes. “Shit, Simon.” 

“Goodnight,” he laughs. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

“Sweet dreams.” 

With the swift, sudden sound of the disconnect, he’s gone. All she has left is her mess of a room; her mess of a life; and the refrain on the CD whirring: is he lonelier than me? 

If she listens to love songs, she can push through what she’s supposed to be doing. This is normal. This is what everyone wants. More than that, this is what she wants. She wants the swell of music as she swoops in, tumbling down his fire escape in the rain; she wants the lights to soften in the background of the shot; she wants the cacophony of the passing cars to fade away and the shimmer of a leitmotif as she takes his face gently and kisses him, telling him without words, this is me. Please see me as I am. Please see every part of me and love me anyway. And in turn, he kisses her harder, there in the rain, his gel melting and her curls flattened, in a moment where Simon Brown doesn’t care, for once, about how things look— I see you as plainly as you see me. 

Life isn’t condensed into a tight hour-and-a-half. Jeanette isn’t the friendly neighborhood superhero with bumbling charisma and useful powers. She’s a costume designer’s daughter. Her alter ego is most well-known for property damage and throwing rodents at a politician.  

With her mask fixed again, her weary, terrified face reflects in the hard green eyepiece. She can try to tell herself it isn’t true, but she knows. Behind the bravado and the tights, there is one central truth. The one thing she wants, she can’t have. 

So why does she keep pretending? How is it fair to him? If she knows she doesn’t love Simon— that she's incapable of falling in love ever— why does she keep saying she loves him? Why does she keep kissing him? Why does she keep listening to love songs and thinking that it’ll make her life align with their ethos? 

It’s the kind of thought that makes her stomach churn a little too much. She keeps it down this time. With the taste of bile in the back of her throat, Jeanette breathes deep and switches off the radio. After a gall-building second, she zips up her coveralls. She pulls her boots back on and fastens the buckles. She sweeps on her jacket; she adjusts the hood’s horns; and, after leaving a note for her father, she steps up onto her desk. 

She needs to help this city. That’s what her mother always says. If you’re out of your mind with worry, go help someone else for a while. Maybe she’ll forget it later, but she’s sure as shit not forgetting it now. 

There’s a lattice to climb down. There’s a world to save. If she tells herself the same thing enough times, it’s going to be right as rain. 

[poz-oh-legirl]

I feel just so anxious and sick to my stomach right now for reasons I will not speak of, but on top of all of that I’m just really craving some shrimp and cocktail sauce.

[tayegi]

Bro! I'm so scared for what Jungkook's gonna do now that he found out what happened between Jimin and the mc. I legit thought he was gonna hit her, but now that he walked out I have a feeling he went out to find Jimin and things could go really bad and its nerve wrecking. Jk is really obsessive and the fact that she was anxious the whole time, I don't blame her. Tbh, I was scared of you updating a new chapter because I knew shit was about to go down, but the worst has yet to even come.

Anonymous said:Sorry cuz I might have sent an ask prematurely. Anyways, I feel really feel bad for the OC with Jungkook being so controlling and manipulative and Jimin neglecting her and putting her second to Jungkook. Personally I don't see an ending where the OC ends with either or where Jungkook and Jimin get together. I hope they find a way out of this toxic situation they found themselves in. Thanks you for the update by the way! It was an entertaining read. ^^

Anonymous said:Dude, I feel so bad for the OC. Being controlled and manipulated by Jungkook while simultaneously being put second by Jimin

Anonymous said:omfg i just read equilibrium 12 and i was literally so scared the entire time. holy shit, i really hope Jimin figures out whats happening and does something :/

Anonymous said:daaaamn lu the latest chapter of equilibrium gave me the chills at 1am :") as someone very lacking of sleep rn, i feel bad that the oc can't get proper rest with jjk around.. cant wait for the day she finally stands up for herself!!!! (if she ever does)

Anonymous said:Jimin has to know something is up. He may have been blindsided by jk while he was there, but Mc was too obvious when he was gone. Also, jks reaction to the condom confused me. I was expecting him to be furious and get violent. Is this to show how unstable he is? That one moment his "love" (really just possessiveness) is crushing (threat) the next it's "sweet" (the necklace) and the next it's like this. Or is it cuz this "victim" act Mc will blame herself and stay (violence could drive her away)

Anonymous said:Her situation makes me sick. It makes me feel like puking. The worst part is that this can happen to anyone. They can be strong and take no bs, but if someone like jk manages to weasel into their Iives, it can all be stripped down. And most won't consciously realize "this is abuse" and/or can't go through the steps to get out. Like the Mc knows this isn't right, but doesn't/can't leave. I feel trapped just reading, can't imagine what it feels like to actually be in that situation

Anonymous said:This is the second time she's thought he'd hit her omfg pls gurl run away 😭😭😭

Anonymous said:I read the the new chapter of Equilibrium and it's amazing how you convey feelings. I feel really uncomfortable thinking about the relationship between the three, it seems so unhealthy and destroying. Jimin is using her body, Jungkook treats her like a possession and the oc does nothing to get out of that and even encourages this behavior even. She wants to run after Jungkook and there are so many more examples that I have to reread it later. Thank you for writing and sharing your work ♥♥♥

Anonymous said:Oh god I read the new Equilibrium chapter and holy shit Jungkook is getting more and more terrifying. It's amazing how well you depict the character's fear towards him and I really really wish she would just leave and run away but seeing how the story is playing out so far I don't see that happening... even I feel fear for her D: that just goes to show how well you write out the events of the story and the character's emotions/reactions to them!!

Anonymous said:The entirety of the new chapter of Equilibrium had me screaming 'everyone should just gtfo of that awful, toxic relationship' Like everytime the OC was worried about the backlash from JK just for kissing Jimin. Bitch, that's fucking psychological abuse, I wish the characters would realize that its not healthy or okay in the slightest. Props for writing such a nuanced story & capturing common relationship tropes in media that are glorified as romantic but are actual abusive af. Love you :)

Anonymous said:Equilibrium got me fucked up. I honestly don't know what to feel but I don't feel great reading about abuse when I have to wait for what happens next (no rush honestly stories like this just make me think to no end about what's next and gives me secondhand nerves) but I just cannot stop. I'm just so worried about everything going on in this relationship and how unhealthy it is. On another note, thank you for another great chapter, I'm sure how it'll play out will have me shook.

Anonymous said:Ahhh, I had a feeling you had updated today for some reason!! Thanks!<3 Wow, Jungkook is being ridiculously possessive and unreasonable. For God's sake, they're in a polyamorous relationship, of course she's gonna touch Jimin. Just goes to show you that insecurities are just human nature... I'm sure he's insecure about her liking Jimin more and it's making him lash out like that. I can't really see an "end-game" couple here. :o None of them really like each other like the other likes the other.

Anonymous said:Oh man it's getting so intense with the new chapter...I'm actually getting kind for scared for Jimin now with possessive Jungkook raging all over the place. Just hoping Jimin might actually catch on with Y/N's actions :( MY GOSH DOES JIMIN EVEN LIKE Y/N WHAT"S GOING ON LIKE SERIOUSLY! Jungkook you are now officially on the bottom of my list lol

kyarybunny said:It's unnerving to read how 'safe' was used to explain Jungkook's absence... So many examples of this being abusive. Plus she thought he was about to hit her?!? Also reading the climax (ha) between her&Jimin was like a let down (on his part, not u) He probably felt hurt when the response was immediately addressing Jungkook (That quick exit) but he didn't even try to reciprocate :/ or even look her in the face smh... But YOU'RE SO GREAT AT WRITING it made me upset in a good way! I enjoyed reading~

Anonymous said:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA fuck nvm. I can't do this. My hearts hurting. I just want to take her out of there. Kick that asshole in the face. Keep her safe and protected from shit holes like him. I can't read this tonight. I'm not gonna be able to sleep. See ya tomorrow. I'll try again tomorrow. Shit lu you're gonna kill me one day. Either you or bigshit. You both have the amazing abilities to drop stuff when it's least expected but when it's the most effective. K peace. C ya tomorrow

Anonymous said:Ah you really surprised me with that new chapter of equilibrium was about to go to bed then I saw it and just had to read it. The writing is really well done, the possessiveness that Jungkook displays towards the oc is so scary, and poor jimin doesn't suspect a thing. And that ending scene was so scary to read I didn't know what he was going to do when he found out. I really loved it. Can't wait to see how the story progresses from here. 😊

Anonymous said:OMFFF SHITS GOING DOWWWNNNN!!!! Low key super worried but high key super keen to see what happens next! Another amazing piece of writing as always! xxx

Anonymous said:both of oc's boyfriends are assholes omg and ones fucking crazy

Anonymous said:Jungkook is being kind of dick, on the one hand I get he feels betrayed, but it doesn't excuse the possessive nature! He wanted to be in a poly Relationship! He doesn't get to call the shots. Jimin is no better, the MC isn't innocent either and it's so good. You write such complex literary characters.

Anonymous said:newest chap of Equilibrium was so good. i could honestly feel the reader's fear. i actually got sick to my stomach, i was so frightened. like a++++ job with that writing, you got some mad skills, girl.

AH THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR RECOGNIZING PSYCHOLOGICAL AND MENTAL ABUSE!!! the girls from previous chapters who thought this was “sexy” seriously scared the shit out of me. Nothing of this is acceptable whatsoever. It’s completely unhealthy and all of the characters need to get out of this situation, tbh haha

THANK YOU FOR READING, MY LOVES, AND FOR BEING SUCH A LOVELY, RECEPTIVE AUDIENCE. I LOVE YOU ALL <3

[iolite-aquila]

Am on a "smooth song" kick rn. Not like. Jazz or anything but ones that are syrupy or flowy. Most of today has been me listening to Sky Full of Song and Arsonists lullaby. The accoustic of Believer is pretty up there rn too. I just like the softness to them and how theyre a little sad but still rich and sweet. Ive just been tired lately and I'm /still/ trying to get rid of this cough and ive been sleeping so much and as nice as it is I normally never sleep during the day so for me to be napping so often just makes me anxious and frustrated and ive been so busy but I feel like I'm wasting time when I accidentally fall asleep during my down time and I'm just mentally exhausted. I feel pressured to do things and what I just want is some down time. But I have tons of down time I just keep sleeping through it. I'm just a wreck but I cant even slow down and focus on me bc there's more to do tomorrow. Theres people I worry about and things I should get done and I should be utilizing my time better but I'm just 😥😥😥😥😥. I feel like I barely have the energy to do anything outside of work and school /which arent even that difficult/ but theyre so time consuming and I'm constantly interacting with people to the point where I get home and want to hide in my room but I feel bad for not spending time with my parents and I already feel bad for not spending more time with my friends and in just tired and upset and anxious and uts like. I feel fine but almost like this upswing in mood ive had is just a facade and when I was more depressed and unmotivated I felt more stable. I was walking then but now its like I'm walking down a hill. Every step is a controlled fall and the moment I try to go faster I feel like I'm losing my footing. I want to stop walking and take a break. I want to stop worrying and being tired all the time. Functionality is wonderful but just because in moving doesnt mean I want to move all the time. If I keep going like this I might fall but I cant because I'm finally getting good grades in school and I have a job and even if the department feels like its going to shit bc we have one glorified manager who is more of a worker and we are p much short staffed right before someone is scheduled for a vacation and at this point I might be close to working enough to qualify as full time and damn if that doesnt explain why I feel like I'm drowning and the moment I try to swim to shore ill be putting a weight on someone else