#I'm going to a game tomorrow so ill try to get one in person

[abbythewritor]

"Fairness" One Piece x Saitama reader twelve.

"Just a Normal girl looking for an everyday life. At least, if you call sailing across the seas with idiots with useless dreams a simple task, then you might wanna see a doctor. Seriously."

Warnings: Blood, gore, mentions of Luekimia, and heaps amount of blood and strength. It might be a little cursing, but not bad, and maybe some flirting in there, but it's mostly clean.

Other things:

-You didn't get bald due to your powers; you got bald to an extreme illness.

-You part of the straw hat crew, but others are interested in you and your power.

-Everyone that is a male is taller than you.

-Monsters from the OPM world will appear in One Piece, and I'll make some new monsters you will fight.

Enjoy the twelfth chapter everyone!!

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Man, it's been a while.

Last time we left off, I accepted to join Luffy's crew, and for the past two years, as a captain, he ordered everyone to grow strong, for two years straight.

Including me.

Yep, that's right, he trained his Haki with Rayleigh, and I trained my haki and strength with the Marine hero, Garp.

It's been interesting, as he didn't go as hard as he did with Luffy when he was a kid, but I still worked just as hard.

Every single morning, I start with a prestige workout.

10-kilometer run.

Upper body strength.

Core strength.

Lower body strength.

weight training.

Inner peace activities, Yoga, Stretching, and Balancing.

Then Garp worked on my strategy mindset, along with different defense techniques, attacks, and mind movements with chess, and other Japanese-like games that I wasn't familiar with.

He also taught me different Haki tequniques from himself, and stuff he learned from fighting Roger, who was the last king of the pirates.

At first, I was confused on why he would train a person who would become a pirate, then I realised he knew how important I was to Luffy, and wanted to make me storng so when he comes across me again, he won't hold back his strength, which I wouldn't blame him.

But, things aside, Garp also worked on combat training with me against Koby, who I formed some sort of bond with over the past two years.

The blonde didn't like me because I was a pirate, but I grew on him once the two years were coming to an end.

But, all of the harsh training and sparing, making new friends with some Marines, and people, the two years will soon come to an end, when Tomorrow I meet up with Luffy, and meet my new crew members.

It was a start of a new journey, and Journey of fun, excitement and Adventure, which was something I've been longing for forever.

Oh, and your probably wondering, what about Crocodile, buggy, and the ones who helped me and Luffy at Marineford? Well, let's say I was writing them all letters, and knew that Ivankov was training one of my crewmembers I've yet to meet yet.

All of them are doing quite well, Mister Three Joined buggies crew, while Mister One was working beside Crocodile, as they are trying to rise the ranks, to become something differemt which makes me proud.

Jimbei hasn't written back at all, which is understandable as he is a busy fishman all the time, but it makes me curious on how he is doing.

Luffy has seemed to be doing well, as he wrote back to me all rayleigh has taught him, all the jokes and fun things the two did these past two years, which made me excited to see him more and more.

Ace, however, did some training of his own, which is understandable from the Marineford incident, but he never really told me who trained him.

Either way, I'm glad he's living a fair life right now, as Pop's death is put behind everyone who fought in that war two years ago.

He told me he was doing quite well, finding hobbies to keep him busy, as well as rebuilding the Whitebeard Pirates into something more, which makes me glad his life is taking a turn for the better.

With many thoughts running through my mind, the sunset of this day was showing onto the sea, myself sitting on a grassy hill as the trees and the flowers danced with the sea brease.

You look a little different as well, grown up, as you were still Y/B/T, (Your body type.) but you looked stronger, happier, and more intelegent.

Wigs, the ones you used to wear, you got everything that could cover your bald head out of your life, as you learned that being bald, doesn't mean anything different about a person. You learned hwo to embrace yourself, and your bald head, as it is a symbol of beauty, and it shows a symbol of piece to people, just like Saitama did with his bald head-well, kind of.

As i continued to watch the beauty of the sunset in front of me, I felt a familiar presence behind, as Koby sat in the spot next to me. "It's quite beautiful isn't it?" I nod. "Yeah, I'm sure going ot miss doing this everynight....these past two years have been...." He chuckled. "Hard?" I shook my head with a smile. "No-well, yes, but I've never had to much fun in my entire life....learning new skills, eating different kinds of food that's not from my world, even making new friends." I nudge Koby, as he chuckled. "Never expected this when I was first recruited. Training with a girl who will become apart of a pirate crew who's run by Garps Grandson. Especially a girl from a different world. I say, when a mad man tells me that, I'd think their crazy, but a girl like you, with powers like yours, explaining everything that had happened, how can I not belive it?" I smile more.

"Your lucky I didn't turn on you, 'Admrial.'" He snorted. "Future, Admiral, well, that's still the plan anyway. It just makes me think how far both of us came, and it makes me wonder more how far Luffy proceeded, and how strong he became, guess you'll find out tomorrow, huh?" Sighing, I looked back at the sunset. "Yeah..." Many thoughts ran through my head, as I was quite nervous with meeting his crew, as koby could sense my uneasyness, as his head tilted. "Are you alright, Y/n? You seem to be thinking a lot lately..." I let out another sigh. "Let me ask you a question, before you joined the marines, where you ever nervous?" Koby was silent from my question for a moment, before he ssmiled. "Of course I was, all my life I was scared, but, once Garp trained me, and i've became stronger and knew what being a marine was like overall, all my nerves went away. I knew what my purpose was, to achiev the Marine Admiral title, and I know I can let my nerves get away from my goals." His words struck you in the heart, as you smiled again, your eyes then looking to the ground.

"I see...well, I guess I shouldn't be nervous then huh?" Koby chuckled. "Don't get me wrong, it's ok to be nervous when your entering a new chapter in life, but, trust me when I tell you this, the straw-hat pirates will be the nicest people you ever meet, because I know them too." My eyes widened slightly. "Ah, that's right, you told me you've encountered them a few times." He nodded. "Yes I have, and they are strong too, but now that two years have gone by, I'm curious too see how thye have grown, and how they will think of your strength, I have faith Y/n you'll fit right in, because Luffy asked you to be apart of his crew for a reason." Sighing, Koby was right, as my smily grew a lot more. Luffy didn't just ask me because I was desperate, or on the verge of death, he saw potential in me, he saw my strength physically and mentally, and he sought of it as a perfect fit. Plus he saw my loyalty to him, which a captian needs a loyal crew member in order to survive these treturous seas. "The boys right." Both of us looked to Garp, who held his usual smile, as a cookie was in his hands. Koby's eyes widened with the sight, as he got up. "Sir, are you sure your supposed to be have that?! The doctor said-“

“Bah! Screw what the doctor says; I’m grown up and can have anything I want! Besides, I earned this for training you idiots!” Garp interrupted, laughing while taking a bite of his well-deserved cookie. “Sir, with all due respect, sweets are nice to have oonce in a while, but with how old you are, having too much sugar is not the greatest idea-“ Koby got bonked “I CAN EAT THIS COOKIE IF I WANT TO IS THAT CLEAR?!” “Y-Yer sir!” Giggling from the usual antics, Garp sighed and took the final bite of his cookie while looking at me. “Nerves can be a great obstacle when sailing the seas, but trust me on this: my grandson can take your nerves away in an instant; besides all the training we did, all the battle strategies and studies I’ve shown you both, I have full faith you both will make it in this pirate world. Just remember the important tactics in the future when I’ll be chasing you down, and pray that your God will help you throuth. HAHAHAHA!”

His words made my eyes rolled. "I can achieve anything through Christ who strengthens me, so don't be surprised when I don't hold back." My smirk made him laugh more as he patted my back. "That's the spirit kid! Even if you are a pirate or a marine, a strong will and heart will always be a good power when facing tough opponents; just remember not to gloat about the positive attributes since you always have your crew on your side to back you up. Who am I kidding? I'm a marine, not a pirate. HAHAHAH!" Koby sighed. "I think you had enough cookies.." he took to bag, and Garp paused before slumping, and I giggled more. "Thank you guys…I know I'm going to be ok. I've worked hard for this; now it's time to start a new chapter in my life… I will never be more blessed to be alive right now." Turning to the two, I gave them a huge smile. "Thank you both for the best two years of my life; when we meet again, we won't consider friends or family; we'll be rivals with benefits." Koby nodded, smiling at me. "Right!" Garp put a finger to his chin. "Rivals with Benefits huh? I've never heard that before, but consider me a family Rival. Y/n, keep Luffy in check because he will need much help to get through the seas. Especially now that Ace is saved, just don't do anything reckless, alright? Don't wanna drop you off tomorrow, and something went wrong."

I nodded this time. “Of course, Sir. I’ll do my best.” Garp crossed his arms. “Now, you must know a few things when we arrive tomorrow. One, I will give you a 5-minute head start before sending my marines after you. I will give you coordinates to where Luffy’s ship would be, as Rayleigh told me. Find the ship, don’t get caught, and meet your new crew mates, understand?” I nodded again as he continued. “There will be a high chance the Kuma army will be there two, but nothing you can’t handle. Think smartly, not rashly. Therefore, I have nothing else to teach you; now get some rest; we set sail for Sabaody at dawn.” Me and I nodded again. “Yes, sir!” With that, he left, and Koby looked at me. “Are you going to be ok?” Signing, I smiled, looking at him. “Yeah, actually..”

“I have a feeling I’m going to be more than ok…”

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“Alright, listen up!” It was the next day, as the marine ship you were on was approaching the destination, as Garp was telling you the plan. I had everything ready, all packed, as my excitement grew more. “Here are the coordinates to Luffy ship; before I give you a five-minute head start, you will run into familiar people, new foes, and some idiot lowlife pirates that boast about themselves. Just focus on getting to the Sunny, with no distractions or errors, understand?” I nodded to Garp. “Yes, sir!” He grinned. “Good, now here is a month's supply of food; since I know how Luffy eats, all of this is needed-“ “DID YOU STEEL THE COOKIES FROM HERE?!” Koby snapped as Garp froze, whipping at the boy. “ONLY ONE LUFFY CAN SURVIVE!!” “YOU DID NOT TAKE ONE SIR YOU TOOK A WHOLE BOX!” “LIKE I SAID, LUFFY WILL SURVIVE NOW. SHUT UP!!” Koby got hit with Garp's fists before handing me the food bag, which I could carry easily. “Now, the coordinates should be easy for you to understand since I wrote the instruction for kindergarteners, so don’t screw up and get lost. Once we dock, immediately hop off the ship, no of that emotional goodbye stuff even though I will miss having a girl to train…” he started to get emotional and turned as Koby approached him. “DON’T CRY THEN!” He snapped as I smiled. “It’s okay; crying isn’t a sign of weakness. I’ll see you both again. The two years was just the beginning.”

Koby smiled at my words as he walked closer to me. "Of course, I'll put up a good fight next time." I smiled at his confidence as he held out a fist, but I ignored it and hugged him, and he froze. His face was red; he was shocked that I was doing this. I was getting emotional when I felt his arms wrap around me. "Be safe. Koby… don't get yourself killed.." I whispered as he hugged me tighter; I could feel his breath on my skin. "Same to you, Y/n.." Pulling away, I wiped my tears before looking to Garp, who was still crying while facing out, as I sighed. "Garp." I knelt to him and smiled. "Thank you for training me and helping me to grow stronger. The techniques you taught me will also come in handy for defense. But sometimes, when good people part ways, it's always good to cry occasionally. But don't worry, I won't think any less of your strength because you are crying. I'll be ok, and keep Luffy safe, I promise." His brows knitted together. "You better; I don't want another brat to worry for when I'm chasing me. Besides, you'll be one hell of a pirate, a strong one at that." I smile. "And it's all thanks to you. Well, I guess I should go, huh? Thank you two again. Be safe!" As my five minutes were starting, I grew excited. I bowed, grabbed my stuff, and hopped off the Marine ship, running straight ahead. As Garp and Koby watched, Bogard walked up to the two and just glanced at Garp. "You're giving her more time, aren't you.." Garp laughed. "Of course I am; she'd be considered lucky since this place is confusing; she should be just fine. EVERYONE GET READY TO PULL TO THE FRONT BAY! WE'LL CUT THEM OFF!!" A bunch of 'Yes sirs' rang through the deck as the ship went out of the dock while you, of course, were looking at the directions as you followed the numbers on the trees.

This place was unique, full of bubbles which is meant for a five year old.

Everything looked plastic, even though it wasn’t, as you took a chance to take in the scenery, grasped the food bag and stuff, and adjusted it on your back.

Many people were here, and it was pretty lively with different people. The more I got closer to town, the more excited I felt.

Continuing to run, I tried my best to avoid many people and not make a big scene, as marines were already around the area, but they were probably not under Garp's command.

Making sure not to be seen, I kept a low profile as my posture was normal, my head was down, and my excitement was high.

It was not just excitement running high through me; it was also nervous because I hadn't seen Luffy in two years, let alone met his whole crew, and I heard rumors that they were just as strong as him.

Garp informed me of their names, as they all sounded unique, and I couldn't wait to meet them.

Roronoa Zoro: The fearsome swordsman.

Nami: Cat Burglar or Navigator

Nico Robin: the famous archeologist.

Chopper: The doctor.

Vinsmoke Sanji: The Cook.

Franky: The Shipwright

Brook: The musician

Usopp: The fearless sniper.

All of their titles seemed unique and different, and it made me even more nervous to meet them, as I didn't know where my strength and title stood against them, but I hope I get along with everyone.

As I kept running and running, I arrived at a green-hilled pasture, as more bubbles from this island were formed, until...I saw him.

That's right. I saw Luffy's big backpack on his back as he was in front of Rayleigh, who had trained him for the past two years.

Behind him were two handsome men: a tall, muscular, green-haired guy with a slash on his left eye and the other male beside him, who was blonde, elegant, and had a black go-tee.

"Huh, those two men must be a part of his crew.." I stated as I continued running that way, but as I was heading to them, the Marines yelled to stop Luffy and the two men as they were about to attack.

My eyes widened, and my teeth gritted as I jumped before the three. When I got close enough, my cloak blew in the wind as my fist went back. "NORMAL SPREAD PUNCH!" I yelled, Slamming my fist on the floor as all the marines that were in front of the three suddenly scattered in a large explosion.

The ground rumbled, and the leftover marines' eyes widened as they couldn't believe how much power suddenly occurred.

Dust arose, the chaos in front of Luffy, and the two men widened their eyes as my Silhouette was shown, making Luffy's lips form a bright smile.

"You're an Idiot, Luffy....for not having your guard up all the time.." I stated, a smile curling on my lips as I was revealed.

The marine's eyes widened more when they saw me, as some of them backed away with fear.

"I-It's Y/n L/N's..! The powerful girl that saved Fire Fist Ace years ago!"

"W-Why is she here?! Rumors said she joined a pirate crew; wait, don't tell me.."

"Stop her from helping the Strawhats escape!!!"

Luffy couldn't stop smiling. "Y/n!!! Is that really you?! Wow!! You look so different! HAHA!" Luffy hugged me, and his laughter brought warmth into my ears as I laughed, too, hugging him back. The blonde Male had hearts in his eyes and was waving his arms. "Wah! A pretty lady!!!" I blushed, flattered by the blonde's comment, as the green-haired male stepped forward, grabbing onto his sword handle. "Luffy, you know this girl?"

Luffy smiled, letting go of me as he began to pat my back repeatedly. "It's Y/n! I forgot you all haven't met her yet! She is a part of our crew!" Both of the men froze, as I smiled nervously, and I waved. "H-Hi...I heard a lot about you both...Garp has told me a lot of information...your Zoro and Sanji right?"

The two's eyes widened as Sanji's eyes turned into hearts, his nose bleeding a little. "She knows my name!!" Zoro stepped forward, a little shocked. "Yeah, those are our names... you said Garp told you information about us..which means you were with the Marines?"

Laughing nervously, I scratched the back of my head. "Well, I wasn't a part of the Marines; I just gotta taste what it was like for the past two years. Garp trained me, actually." Sanji paused his simpering as his and Zoro's eyes widened. "Wait, really, Garp trained you?" Sanji asked. "I'm surprised," Zoro added, then continued. "Being the hero of the Marines, I would expect the least of him to train someone who's part of a pirate crew. Well..it's nice to meet you, Y/n gotta admit, you're strong, but are you worth enough to fight alongside Luffy..?" Zoro's calm question caught me by surprise, but I wasn't hesitant when I firmly nodded my head to him before speaking."Luffy has a strong heart and a great dream. People like him deserve Fairness and to achieve his goals and actions in life. Two years ago, I fought alongside him to Save Ace. I won't stop fighting with him until he becomes pirate King. For the world to know even the lowest of people who are pirates or Marines or even just regular people, all deserve Fairness and to live in a world where they won't be bored but have a sense of fun and adventure." My words struck Zoro somehow, as he could see the determination, loyalty, and Kindness in my eyes. He didn't know who I was or what Luffy had brought to the table, but he knew I was loyal to Luffy, making his lips curl into a small smile as I saw his hand go out to me. "Well then, that settles things...dI like you Y/n.....Welcome to the crew..." My heart fluttered as I looked up at him before smiling, as my hand firmly grasped in his. "Thank you both!"

"You kids better go; I'm sure more Marines will be coming this way." A familiar voice spoke, and we all turned to see Rayleigh as I smiled at him. "Rayleigh!" He smiled down at me calmly, his tall form towering over me. Even though his age had seen better days, his looks never failed him, as he was as handsome as ever. "Hello there, Y/n-san; I must say, Garp trained you well. Did you lose weight?" I smiled more at his question as I nodded. "I did! I've never felt better about myself, and I have your Grandpa to thank for that, Luffy." Luffy laughed, holding his stomach with a smile as Rayleigh chuckled.

"Well, I'm proud of you, Y/n; you look good... perfect. Be who you want to be...don't let anyone else tell you who you are, because if you let them..well.." His hand reached out, gently popping a bubble about to land on my nose as my cheeks rose in color, and his smile continued to show the more he looked at me. "Your life won't be as bright as it is now...you don't want that, do you, Y/n?" My heart continued to beat rapidly; I felt like I was going to explode as my head quickly shook, which made him smile more, his hand going onto my head. "Good girl...because bright people like you deserve fairness, just remember that. I want to keep seeing your Kindness when you rise with Luffy on the Grandline; just don't forget to Visit this Old Geezer occasionally, ok? Can you Promise me that?" Nodding from his question, my eyes met his again. "Of course, I'll visit you, Rayleigh; that is a definite promise, right Luffy?" Luffy nodded also. "Yes! That's right! You are not alone anymore, Rayleigh! Your family to us now!" When Luffy smiled, Rayleigh got emotional as he wiped his eyes. "Family huh? I quite like the sound of that...you all better be careful...the Grandline is even more dangerous than ever, so remember to always keep guard and protect each other...you four better head to the Sunny; I'll take care of the Marines here.." Luffy, Zoro, Sanji, and I all nodded with Rayleigh's words, as we turned, and started running, heading to Luffy's ship.

Before the Marines could attack us more, Rayleigh fended them off, serving no match against him.

As the four of us ran, heading in the right direction, Luffy smiled brightly beside me. "We have so much to catch up on!" I nodded to his question. "Indeed we do. Luffy." As Luffy smiled brightly again from my agreement, a large shadow cast over the four of us as we paused to see a Giant bird, which widened my eyes.

But, before we could be hesitant, a familiar voice spoke, and we saw the familiar Doctor, known as Chopper, waving and Yelling to Zoro, Sanji, and Luffy.

"Chopper!" Luffy yelled, smiling more as the bird landed. My eyes sparkled when looking at the Reindeer, as he was so cute when he tackled Luffy into a hug, and Zoro and Sanji, the four of their laughter, warmed my heart.

As Chopper looked at Luffy, he looked at the bird. "Everyone is waiting for you, Luffy, at the Sunny!" Luffy's eyes widened. "Robin, Brook, Nami, Usopp, and Franky are there already?! Well, we can't keep them waiting! Zoro, Sanji, Y/n, let's get on the bird and hurry!"

The three of us nodded, soon getting on the bird, which took off, as Chopper directed it to the right path while it flew high in the sky.

I couldn't help but be in awe with the View of this island, as it was pretty beautiful. It was peaceful, flying so high in the sky as I closed my eyes, enjoying the calm wind hitting my skin. The bird continued to head to the Sunny until Luffy saw his ship in his eyes and smiled again. "There it is! OI! GUYS!! EVERYONE!!" He yelled as I looked down at him, and the other members of his crew smiled more, too, getting up from their spots and running to the edge of the boat, greeting him back with the same amount of kindness.

I noticed some of them crying, and it made my heart warm when the bird got closer.

But, then suddenly, a pool of blood came out of Sanji's nose as he flew off the ship, and my eyes widened with shock as the chopper yelled for him as he fell into the water.

Zoro wasn't bothered to get him, as it was customary for his nose to bleed like this; I was just concerned for Sanji as the bird was close enough to Sunny, allowing me, Luffy, chopper, and Zoro to hop on, as Chopper thanked the bird.

As the bird flew away, Usopp cried for Chopper to stop Sanji's nose from bleeding, as Zoro simply walked past, and I looked amongst the Chaos, not knowing what to do as Luffy was too busy admiring Franky's new form. "Excuse me." A voice spoke as I turned to Robin, who looked at me curiously as her tallness towered over me.

"Are you the new crewmember Rayleigh spoke of?" My posture was fixed as soon as she asked that, and I nodded. "Y-Yes, my name is Y/n; it's nice to meet you." My answer piqued Nami's interest. "Oh, so your Y/n! You helped Luffy save Ace!! I'm Nami! It's nice to meet you!" She offered me her hand, and I smiled and shook it. "It's nice to meet you, Nami. Luffy told me so much about you." My statement made her sigh. "I'm sorry if Luffy has caused you trouble. He's a good captain but can be a handful sometimes." I giggled at her statement. "Ah, not Luffy is fine, he's not a handful I promise-" I paused when a Skeleton, or Brook, approached me as he bowed like a gentleman.

"Hello there, beautiful Lady! My name is Brook! I do have one question, if you don't mind me asking." I smiled up at him. "Ok, sure, go ahead." He coughed in his handkerchief before he leaned down to me more. "May I see your panties?" My face fumed red before Nami suddenly bonked his head instantly. "STOP ASKING TO SEE WOMANS PANTIES! YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE HER UNCOMFORTABLE!" she snapped; I was shocked by the sudden outburst but then snorted when holding my mouth as this situation was quite funny. "Don't mind, Brook." I turned to look up at Franky, who had a smile on his face.

"He asks that question to every woman, so don't feel a bit embarrassed; the name's Franky and I gotta say, when I heard Luffy asked a girl like you to join our crew, I didn't believe you'd be this cute." His compliment made my face flush more as Nami's head whipped to him. "Don't add gas to the fire, Franky!" Franky shrugged. "What? It's the truth. Besides, I don't think she's too bothered by it, right?" His wink made me giggle as I nodded. "You're right about that. Say, Franky, I think you're pretty cool; I knew of a Cyborg once." His eyes widened. "Really? What was he like? Strong, tall, handsome?" Watching him smirk, I smile. "He was all three of that thing; sadly, he died when fighting a monster, but he still lives in my heart!" Franky's facial expression changed slightly. "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that; you have my respect, Y/n. He must have been a true good friend." I don't remember Genos, but he seemed to be a good friend of Saitama as I nodded with Frankie's command. "Yeah, he sure was.." I looked around before my eyes landed on Usopp and Chopper chatting with Luffy. "And you two must be Chopper and Usopp, correct?" The two pauses when turning to me, as Usopp nodded confidentially, his lips forming a grip. "That's right! I'm Usopp the Great, The most feared sniper of Luffy's crew!" My eyes sparkled with curiosity as I smiled. "That's so cool! So you shoot guns and stuff?!" He smiled nervously at my comment. "Well, not just guns; I can shoot lots of stuff and also make throwables to aid me in a fight, I know; hold your applause; it's awesome..." I smiled more, impressed with his Skill, as Nami glared at him. "We all know you are just being greedy now.." She growled as Usopp froze suddenly before laughing nervously. "I'm a pirate; what do you expect, Nami-"

"Oi, everyone heads up," Zoro spoke, as suddenly a Cannonball flew by Sunny, almost hitting it as it alerted everyone else.

Usopp and I ran over to the ship railing, looking more serious as we looked towards the Marine ships. "Oh no! When did they get here?!" Usopp asked as I glanced that way, as there were about three Navy ships. "It seems there are three Navy ships that way," I stated, as more Cannon balls barely missed the Sunny as I turned to Luffy. "Luffy, should we get rid of them?" But, before he could answer, more Cannonballs flew, heading straight for the ship this time, as the crew prepared to deflect them until pink-like arrows took them down, which alerted us to look at a familiar ship, Boa Hancock's ship.

Smiling, Robin walked up beside us; her face was blank. "That's Kuja's logo." Nami turned to her, confused. "Kuja?" "They're strong Amazonian pirates led by a pirate empress, Warlord." Robin's words shocked Usopp. "A Warlord?!!" Robin turned to him. "Her name is Boa Hancock. They say anyone who sees her will be attracted by her beauty." Brook stood on the other side of me, looking through the scope, as his face turned to shock, pink hinting at his bony facial structure. "Oh, too bright! She is dazzling!" He almost stumbled backward, as I giggled while Usopp caught the scope, looking as well as his mouth nearly dropped to the floor. "Wow! She must be a goddess!" His words widened Sanji's eyes as he hopped up from the floor, bolting to Usopp as he looked. "Goddess? Goddess! Let me see, let me see, where is she-" He paused when he saw her, turned into stone, and I Usopps eyes widened. "He turned into stone!" We both shouted with shock as Luffy came up behind us. "Oh, that's Hancock and the others!" He spoke as Usopp looked at him, as well as Brook and Sanji.

Boa turned her head to look at the sunny, as she saw me smiling which warmed her heart before she winked at me, which made my cheeks rise in color as Brook almost had a heart attack when he flung back.

"She helped us," Luffy spoke. "Let's set sail now!" he ordered, as Nami questioned if he knew her, as he nodded. "Yeah, I was sent to Maiden Island and I became friends with them. They helped Y/n too in keeping her in their country to recover her injuries." He stated as Usopp looked back at Boa's ship. " So that's the legendary female-only island, right? They definitely live up to their name." I nodded with his question before Sanji came up behind Luffy, a dark aura behind him. "Luffy..you were friends with the pirate empress?! HEY! WERE YOU REALLY TRAINING HARD?!" Sanji asked, tears of remorse coming from his eyes as Luffy smiled nervously at him. "Yes, Sanji, I really did train." Sanji slumped, going on all fours as he was crying more, I was then beside him, patting his back. "It's ok Sanji-kun, at least theirs other empresses out there in the sea..." He sobbed more, and my eyes widened as I felt like I made it worse as Zoro walked past, with a blank face. "Ignore his cries, he's grown more than an Idiot since two years ago." Sanji whipped to his feet. "SHUT UP MOSS HEAD!"

Nami sighed, as she spoke up before the two started fighting again. "Okay, let's get ready to set sail now!"

Everyone agreed, as no more marines were attacking us or stopping us from leaving, as a Marine ship was in my view, I saw Garp, Bogard, and Koby, and I smiled at them; waving. "GARP!! KOBY!!! BOGARD!!! THANK YOU FOR THE BEST TWO YEARS OF MY LIFE!!!" I yelled, catching the straw hat's attention, as Usopp and Chopper's eyes widened with fear when seeing Garp's ship.

But, Luffy told the crew not to attack, as everyone saw the tears brimming on Garp and Koby, while Bogard just smirked, as they stated their goodbyes, as it was an emotional moment.

Tears brimmed my eyes also, as the thousand Sunny continued to pull out of port, The three marines stayed until the Sunny's ship was out of sight. But, as the Sunny was sailing across the sea, a bubble roof was formed from the stuff coating the ship, as me, and everyone else's eyes widened as Nami spoke up again.

"Listen up everyone." She opened a paper. "A coated ship can reduce any kind of pressure. So once the floating bag at the ship's bottom which keeps it on the surface has been removed, it'll be less buoyant and start to sink."

"I see." Luffy, Zoro, and I spoke as Nami smiled. "Pretty easy to understand, right? Anyway, spread the sail now!"

Everyone nodded with the agreement as the straw hats, and I prepared to set sail.

Garp was right; Luffy and his crew weren't so bad, as from that day forward, I had a pretty good feeling about the future...as I will not stop fighting along side Luffy until.....

He becomes king of the pirates...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author: I AM SO SORRY, IT HAS BEEN A WHILE!!!

Author: You're probably wondering where I went, so I'll tell you! I have been away fixing myself and my mental health. Many things in my personal life have been going on, and I needed a break from activities to help aid myself and refresh my life.

Author: But now, after very long months and days, I'm finally back to writing. I am sorry if this chapter is a bit boring, but I promise there will be more exciting chapters in the future!

Author: Anyways, I am sorry again for being away so long. More chapters of this book will be published before Christmas, and the New Year, so I hope everyone is having a good last month of the year! Happy Holidays, and have a good day, everyone!

Bye lovelies!!!

[thetrashbinseries]

— Fahrenheit ( bangchan x reader )

rated - mature | minors dni

parts - one, two (explicit)

warnings - idol universe, name changed idols, mature themes, drug use, alcohol use, sexual themes, mentions of mental illness, slight angst

x x x

“It’s not rocket science, Chris."

My annoyance hits the roof. What the hell is his problem? Why's he turning this into a damn soap opera?

"You're back in LA. New York—yes or no?"

Chris tiptoes the line ever since last year's scandal close shave. I get playing it safe, but I'm alone in a six-bedroom Jersey fortress. In the U.S. media game, I'm golden. No cancel threats, not yet in my rising career.

But the spotlight got hotter after the last single went viral. Chris, in the crosshairs of relentless management, dances a careful routine.

He's the big shot, leader of the world's hottest K-pop group. His company would shoot themselves in the foot by axing him. Yet, Mr. Libra doesn't dig rocking the boat.

"-I want to, babe, but it's too risky right now."

I sigh. Twisting my computer chair, neon lights bathe me in purples and reds. I'm in the studio, bullshitting on songs for the third album.

I've had it. "Catch you later, Chris." The call drops, facedown on the desk, anger swirling.

"Seriously, fuck you." I spit out, taking it personally.

Being a foreigner feels like the snag. His industry would call me a disgrace tagging along.

I don't need that energy.

Am I settling as his 'little secret'? I'm 29, he's 27 – grown folks. Pings remind me of him, but I silence the noise. Facetime interrupts, Jake, the friend with benefits. Games or busy, no time for emotional plays.

Warner signed my band, deep in commitments, mind racing. A shrink's gift? Adderall for my ADHD.

Now, even less time for the BS.

"Hey, daddy." I purr, thickening my accent.

Jake’s smile fades as he eyes me. "What?" I giggle,

"Stop playing with me like that, y/n."

"How am I playing with you?"

"You're gonna end up with your legs cocked back like last time, girl, cool it."

Laughter ensues. I glimpse his background – a parking garage stairwell. We catch up every couple of weeks via Facetime.

"Where are you at?" I squint.

"Recognize it?" Jake turns his phone, revealing the New York City skyline.

"You're out here? Aw, shit." I lean back in my chair, a half-cocked grin, tongue behind my lower lip.

"Aw, shit is right! What's up? What are you up to tonight?"

I chuckle, rolling my eyes. "Nah, uh, Jake. We gotta play nice. I got a good thing going on right now."

He sighs, exasperation audible. "You two still a thing? Thought you were photographed over there, outside the JYPE building?"

"I was."

"They ain't letting that fly, you serious, y/n?"

"I mean, they're being hard on him, but we're still trying to make it work." I express more hope than Chris does. Jake’s viewpoint is valid – he's been through the K-pop circuit, burned out, went solo, and found massive international success.

Which is why he bitches about it.

It's unfair.

"I do wanna see you, though," I admit, the need for an adventure kicking in.

"That's my girl. Hey, I'm about to hop in the car. Should be able to make it over in twenty. You at your spot in Jersey?"

"Yes, I am, Jake, but don't come in on no bullshit."

"I'm always on bullshit. See you in twenty."

Jake hangs up before I can fight back.

Why is my grin so wide? I roll my eyes at my own excitement, surprised at how genuinely thrilled I am to be around someone who wants to be with me. Scanning Chris's messages puts me in a better mood.

babydaddy: there’s no way you just hung up like that -_-

babydaddy: this is my life…my career…

babydaddy: why can't you be more patient?? this is hard for me too…

babydaddy: we need to talk tomorrow…

babydaddy: about us, and where this is going.

The last message triggers something in me. My stomach twists like it always does before bad news. It doesn't change, whether in poverty in my hometown or a small Jersey mansion. The same sunken gut reaction. We've been going back and forth, but this sounds... final. At some point, he'll grow sick of it. I know I have.

Yet, there's so much I love about Chris. Selfishly, I don't want him with anyone else. He's the man of my dreams, flawed as he is, he’s human. My human. I panic, feeling like my boat has sprung a leak, desperate to plug it somehow.

Knowing myself, I turn my phone upside down, placing it on my desk and stand up, distancing myself from the setting. Something else would trap me; all I want is not to reply to him with charged emotion. It wouldn't help anything.

Jake’s on his way over.

I take a deep breath, letting my anxiety settle. I'll talk to him; he always has good insight and wisdom beyond his years. I look at myself in the mirror. I'm in comfy mode, barefoot, walking across hardwood floors.

Entering the dimly lit kitchen, I brew hot chocolate, curling my toes against the balls of my feet, cracking knuckles as I chew my lower lip, mind drifting to Chris. Resistance is weaker now; the reasons to text back sound more convincing. I shake my head, trying to clear my mind, grab my cup, and sip as I walk past my bearded dragon's tank. It's late; he's asleep, tucked into his pink bed. I stare at each plant, trying to keep my thoughts in check.

My outdoor motion detection buzzes the smartwatch on my wrist, signaling someone's arrival. I glimpse headlights through my foyer. My grin widens; I bite my lip, urging myself to behave.

"Alexa, shuffle my evening playlist on Spotify, downstairs."

The nearest speaker obeys, filling the space with music. My dog scurries around my feet as the doorbell rings, and my bigger dog's deep barks echo throughout the house.

“Hey, cool it!" I shout at them, stepping over the little one weaving through my legs, nipping my ankles for some ungodly reason. I open the door, visibly exasperated, while my larger dog bellows from the top of the stairs.

Jake points to her behind me, furrowing his brows dramatically. "I thought we were friends!"

My dog hurls another final, loud bark before slowly making her way down the stairs. I let Jake in, lock the door, and he takes off his shoes, grabbing a disposable guest pair from the basket by the front door. I turn, starting down the hall, and Jake’s full body weight slams into me from behind, arms wrapping around my body, causing me to stumble. Seemingly unpredictably, he stops us from falling while laughing. I catch my footing, give him a firm shove, swipe stray hair behind my ear, and correct the other side, giving him a side-eye.

"Now, you know damn well I'm too clumsy for some stupid shit like that," I scoff, turning into the living room. I walk over to the glass coffee table near the sofa, grab the nearby gold electric candle lighter, tip it into the wide, three-wick candle, and light each of their blackened tips. The scents of apple-cinnamon, cedar, sandalwood, and vanilla fill the room, complemented by the warm orange glow of well-placed LED lights. I sit on the edge of the sofa, and Jake takes his favorite spot on the oversized black beanbag chair nearby. He pulls his hood off, followed by his knitted beanie, ruffling his dark brown hair.

I've got to say, Jake is a handsome guy, no doubt about it.

But I've got problems, and I've caught heavy feelings for one of my biggest headaches lately—Christopher Bang.

We're in this so deep, at least on my end.

I start to think a little harder, trying to see beyond the rose colored glasses for a moment. His text plays through my head as I scroll on my phone, my excuse being searching for another song to skip to on Spotify. But, of course, I get back to the messages Chris sent earlier.

"About us, and where this is going…"

We'd never had an official conversation about being exclusive. We met by chance, fell for each other, and started sneaking around together. I consider Chris my boyfriend, and I’m saved in his phone under ‘baby.' That's got to mean something, right?

The horror begins to set in—has this been a situationship this whole time? Is that why he never went public?

Anxiety creeps in.

"Yo," Jake snaps his fingers, waving his fingers. Damn, I must've been really distracted, crinkled brows as I stare into my phone, thumb tapping against the glass but not doing anything. I look up at him, raising my brows as if I had just briefly missed something he recently said.

"Hm?" I ask.

He's sitting up more, his left hand stroking one of my cats. "Talk to me, girl," he gestures to the marble ashtray with half of a joint, "And pass it."

I lean forward, grabbing the pink joint and placing it between my lips. I use the lighter nearby, sparking it, blowing a few times, the smoke thick and pungent, rising into the air. I tap it into the ashtray and lean over, passing it his way. Jake takes it graciously, placing it between the center of his pink lips and taking a big inhale. He holds it in, nodding, looking down at it as he blows the smoke out the side of his mouth.

"Chris and I got into it again. He told me they were coming to LA for a show over at KCON, and he was like 'maybe I can fly over to see you,' trying to fit it in, delaying his trip to Korea by like three days, which didn’t seem like a big deal. But then after everything ended, he was just hyper-aware of the attention on them and changed his mind," I begin to explain. Jake has taken a few hits during my story; he's leaning forward, passing me the joint again. I take it, hitting it.

"Did he say why?" he asks. Jake’s voice is low, even-toned. He’s invested in my story and the way I’m feeling, I can tell by the way his laser focus is on me as I speak. His eye contact is intense, fiery, the Aries in him.

"No, he didn’t, and that’s what frustrated me, so we got on a call tonight. He like—called me and was dancing around it, and I was like 'look, it’s not hard, are you coming to New York or not.' I was just... over it," I reply, pausing to take another hit before passing it to Jake once more. "He was all 'I want to, baby, but it's too risky.'” I mock his Aussie accent, and Jake can’t help the cough of smoke that comes out from trying to repress a laugh. He turns his head, full-on coughing a couple of times before he catches his breath again.

"Do you need water?" I ask, successfully holding back my own laugh. I don’t wait for his reply, instead, standing up and taking a few steps over to the mini-fridge and grabbing a bottle of spring water, handing it to him.

Plopping back down on the couch, I sigh. "So I didn’t even let him get the rest of it out. I was like 'ok, I’ll talk to you later' and like, hung up."

Jake places the burnt-out joint tip into the tray, effectively ending our puff-puff-pass session, making us both more relaxed and a little spacey. "Oof, y/n, this is... such a unique situation that very few people go through, and even fewer non-K-idols. I mean, I don’t agree with any of it, right? But it’s not me, and Chan, he’s in like–the peak of their career as a boy group, dude." Jake shakes his head, sitting back, my cat jumping from his lap, considering him having moved too much for his comfort.

"I don’t—care," I blurt.

Jake’s head drops back with a sigh before he picks it up again. "That’s probably part of the problem. Chan’s risking his career; Korea is no joke when it comes to this shit. I promise you, unless you’re physically in the industry as an idol over there, you have no idea. It’s so obsessive, and these companies, the management, they will not let you breathe, and the bigger you are—the tighter they hold onto you because there’s so much more to lose at that point."

He only leaves a half second of pause before he says, "I don’t think you’re compatible with—nor do you deserve, that kind of relationship with anyone."

Ouch.

It hurts that much more because—he’s right

"Now that doesn’t make Chan a bad person, or you a weak person. He’s got a right to this life he’s worked super hard to get to, and you’ve got a right to someone to love you the way you want to be loved, especially while you’re in the beginning stage of becoming great yourself. It’s a huge distraction—maybe not a relationship, but like, that kind of relationship."

I can do nothing but sigh, throwing my hands up and sitting back onto the couch, feeling, well, defeated. Can you blame me? It fucking sucks, the reality of it all that I was trying to avoid.

"Fuck," I finally say aloud.

Jake’s looking at me; I know he feels bad for breaking it down so plain, but he does it because he cares about me and wants the best for me, and I know that. “You still do what you want; it’s your life. Whatever you two decide is what you two decide, but that’s just—my limited experience.”

I scoff with a roll of my eyes, “Limited experience. Yeah ok.”

He laughs.

We both understand the subtext of the brief exchange.

“He says we need to talk tomorrow, about us and ‘where this is going’,” I say with air quotes.

“I mean, hey, it’s an opportunity to get your concerns out there, listen to his, and decide what’s best for you. He’ll decide what’s best for him. If that’s being together, great, if not, great. Either way, you’ll be ok. That’s how I like to see these kinds of things.” Jake says, his words profound and his perspective valuable to me. He leans forward, “We’ve known each other like what? Almost a year now?” I nod to confirm, and he continues, “In that short period of time, I can just—tell that you’re a strong person; you wouldn’t have gotten this far if you weren’t. If you ever need someone to talk to, my line is always open.”

I let another long breath go before laying across the sofa on my stomach, bringing myself closer to Jake as I lazily hug a pillow, resting my chin atop it. His advice is logged in my thoughts. I really don’t want to talk about it anymore—the way he phrased it did something to lower my anxiety so I was going to let sleeping dogs lie. “What about you, huh? What’s got you on the East Coast? You’re never over here, rarely in America anymore for real.”

“Yeah, I’ve been—busy, but it’s a blessing, you know? I’m so grateful that so many people support me, as a solo artist, doing my own thing, my way.” Jake never fails to acknowledge those around him that have supported him, and keeps himself grounded and humble somehow through being an international celebrity. “But I was at the Versace show over in Soho. I’ve got a couple of other shows to see for New York Fashion Week, but I touched down and had to come see you.”

I lift a brow. “I’m not gonna fuck you, Jake.”

Without hesitation, he fires back, “I’m not asking you to, y/n.”

It’s enough to drag a snort from me.

He laughs, “The hotels get lonely, and most places I go, I don’t know anyone. I like it here; you’ve done a lot since the last time I was here.” Jake looks around at the decor. He points to a painting of a cat skeleton on a black canvas. “That’s new, I like it.” He says.

“Yeah? I do too; it’s simple but it matches the vibe of the space, I found it by accident one day.”

When Jake says the hotels are lonely, I believe him. He often confides in me about how lonely his lifestyle can be and how it can drive him so crazy that he’ll call everyone through his phone until someone answers, and when that person hangs up, he’ll keep going. More often than not, he doesn’t have anyone to call, despite my insisting that I was an option. Some nights, when it gets really bad, he’ll have a tendency towards drinking, which is something I don’t like, and we’ve talked about ad nauseam. Of course, he’s always welcome in my safe spaces.

“So what’s new with the band? When you texted me the other day, you had like, tons of shit going on that you were freaking out about.” Jake cracks open the bottle of water, taking a gulp.

“I’m flying out to LA next week for a couple of events, but we’re like focused on album three right now; I’ve been locked in the studio just writing.”

“Ok, ok, you got anything for me to hear yet?” He seems to perk up to ask this question.

“Eh, nothing I’m ready to show or anything, just fragments of songs right now. The label is really pushing the work we did with album two to build the hype up for album three, and that’s the one they funded.” I kick my feet slowly in the air behind me as I talk.

“We should do a song together.” Jake says, quite suddenly. He can tell I’m taken aback. I mean, creatively, Jake and I get along great, but we had never discussed merging on a record before. “An official song, I think it could sound incredible.”

I immediately want to agree, of course, but I have a couple of hurdles I know I need to jump now that I’ve gotten to this point in my career. I hated that. I used to be able to agree to a collaboration immediately. But Jake had even more hoops to jump through; he couldn’t commit to something official now either.

So why was he proposing it?

“I gotta ask the label—”

“Fuck the label, dude.” Jake waves his hand, “They don’t have to know anything, not yet. We’ll just work together and see what happens. Whaddya say?”

It takes no thought for me to reply,

“Let’s do it.”

—

Jake wore me down enough to bring him down into the studio, insisting he didn't have anything important to do until tomorrow evening. I don't want to encourage his drinking, but when he spots the whiskey decanter, he gestures to it as I sit down in the main chair in front of the soundboard.

"What’s in there? Hennessy?" He answers his own question as I spin around in the chair to see what he’s talking about. He’s already over at the mini bar, opening it up and whiffing.

"Yeah, but I rarely drink it. I got it for guests." I turn towards my soundboard again, powering it up and waiting for the two large screens to load. I add another thought to the end of my sentence, albeit, to myself. Not like I have guests anyway.

Jake comes over with a glass, the brown liquor sloshing around as he tilts it in my direction. I roll my eyes, taking it, and he’s already got his glass, which he holds out for a toast.

"To the music," Jake says.

"The music." I oblige, clinking his glass and taking my gulp down a lot less gracefully than he does his, before he pours up another for himself. "Don’t overdo it; you’re gonna have a nasty hangover, and I won’t be the one to blame for it." I press a few buttons, and the house lights lower, back to the blue and purple hue I was sitting in earlier.

"I am a grown man that knows my limits." Jake states, matter-of-factly. He sits in the rolling chair at the table alongside me, pulling himself up to the soundboard and sitting back in his chair, sipping his drink as his eyes dance across the screens while I click around, pulling up my digital audio workstation of choice.

I point to the keyboard nearest to him, "Press a key for me?" He does, confirming it's connected and functional, the note ringing out through the monitors.

"Aw yeah." Jake sits up, setting his glass down on the designated cupholder space on the edge of the mixing table as he places both hands on the keys, beginning to fiddle with the limited random keys and chords he had learned how to play while being forced to learn as a trainee. "Damn, it’s been so long." He says, a half smile on his face. I can tell he’s reminiscing, I just can’t tell if it’s good or bad. "You’re so lucky to have control over your music, you know that?" He says, looking over at me before focusing back on the instrument again, slender fingers of his right hand climbing up the keys.

"I don’t really have total control, not anymore. Not sure I ever did." I say with a sigh. "It’s always been like—an Eli and me thing, not just a ‘me’ thing. I just get a little more attention because I’m the one out front, singing." I continue to explain. Jake’s stopped playing, instead choosing to lean in his chair and eye me over the top of his glass as he sips, listening to me with an empathetic nod. "Now with a major label involved, there are so many other factors now."

"You get the final say though, right?"

"Well, yeah, I guess I do." I say with uncertainty, not because it isn’t true, but because it still feels like the decisions I make have to be based on what everyone else thinks is best for us. If I vehemently object, I’m persuaded down to the decisions of others. Sometimes, it feels like I’m being gaslit. But I don’t have much time to ruminate on that, since everything is moving forward at top speed.

"Guess it’s complicated?" Jake concedes.

I nod.

"Girl, you got it," Jake croons in his gruff voice, eyes closed, fingers snapping to start a rhythm. "And I know it, baby, why don’t you?”

I nod, sliding him away from the keys as I hit some chords to match his singing. Unsure if it's a freestyle or something pre-written, I catch the composition unfolding. Music flows through me effortlessly—my natural talent that's brought me this far. It didn't happen overnight, but creating is the part of music that feels like pure joy, a distraction from all the BS.

Soon, we're vibing out a hook, laughing for hours, blending funk with '90s groove, a nostalgic fusion. My phone rings, freezing me in place. The weight of unresolved problems crashes over me. Jake senses it; I bolt before he protests. His eyes speak understanding; he knows when to let me deal with my demons. I answer the phone, attempting to steady my voice.

“Hello?”

“You answered.”

It’s Chris.

His voice is tired, ironic, as if he couldn’t believe it himself but didn’t care.

It irritates me. Why call back so soon if compromise isn't on the table?

“I just called to say, that I’ll be there in about four hours.”

A lump forms in my throat; I glance around for a clock. Holed up in the studio with Jake, time escaped me.

“But you said—“

‘First class, you are now welcome to pre-board flight 917 to Newark, First class, you are now welcome to pre-board flight 917 to Newark.’

“I gotta go, but I’ll see you in a few, yeah?”

“Y-yeah.”

The phone beeps, leaving me in stunned silence. The studio's muted song hums in the background. I'm not ready to face it yet, still figuring out what this sudden visit means.

“Said I wouldn’t do this.” I mutter, pressing my fists against my forehead, heaving a frustrated sigh. I vowed not to let another man stir my emotions, yet here I am—almost having a meltdown. But my feelings are valid. No explanation after a heated argument, and suddenly he's on his way here?

Maybe he got another perspective from the members or his friends. Maybe he thought about it. Either way, he'll be here in four hours. We can hash it out then.

I muster the calm to return to the studio. Jake sits back, his chair turning towards me. “Well?”

I plop onto the nearby sofa. “He’s boarding a flight here now, said he’ll be here in four hours.”

Jake’s brows lift in surprise. “See? I told you…this was going to push you two in some direction it needed to go. Four hours? My man, okay BangChan!” Jake laughs, toasting with his glass. “So I added some drums, check it out.” He plays the track; the groove multiplies.

“You added that part too?” I notice another musical flair, and he nods proudly. After a few seconds, he turns it off, a slow fade of the volume knob.

“I think that’s enough for me to work with for now, what do you think?”

"The skeleton is definitely there, but what about more instruments?" I question. Jake pushes his chair back, picks up his hoodie, slipping it on as he stands up.

“It’s enough to write to; we can come back to it; if Chan’s on his way here, the last thing he needs is to see another guy here late night.” He slips on his shades, his phone reflected in them as he orders an Uber Black. I didn't think he cared like this, feeling closer to him; he did what he felt was best. I was freaking out about how to get him out in time, and Jake took the initiative.

A relieved sigh escapes me. “I owe you.”

“Absolutely nothing. You don’t owe me anything, sweetheart. I had a good time here tonight.” He tucks his phone in his jacket pocket. “Twelve minutes.”

I nod. “Follow me upstairs, I made some cookies yesterday; you can take some with you.”

“Ooh what kind?”

“Chocolate chip.”

“A classic.”

[alt-wannabe]

MCSR D&D

Couriway time!

Order of Scribes Wizard 15

I'm havin a little trouble with fulham's sheet so if anyone has any thoughts or suggestions about that lmk! Either way ill try to have his character sheet posted tomorrow!

More under the cut like always :) thanks for showing interest yall!!!

Wizard is lowk my favorite class in the game so I was super excited to make one! I ended up making couri an aarakocra in order to give him a fly speed but in my mind he's just a human lookin guy w/ wings and not like a full bird-person.

Here's his spell list! I was a lot less focused on picking minecraft related spells here and focused a lot more on general versatility (IE making a wizard without shield or mage armor would be very bizarre, especially once you clock that couri's AC is ELEVEN). Some of the things I did specifically pick out with couri in mind include scrying/locate creature (scrying is sorta like finding the stronghold and locate creature acts as finding spawners) and tiny hut (this was just me thinking about his house on HBGSMP).

Here are the items I gave him! The spell focus I picked was an orb cause it reminded me of an eye of ender. He also has 16 pearls and 5 rods (even though they're definitely not created with the minecraft counterparts in mind lmao). I'm gonna be real I gave him the eyes of charming almost entirely because they look like a pair of big round glasses. Similar logic behind the circlet of blasting- it's a crown. The boots are pretty much just a speedrunning reference and I hope staff of WITHERing is also fairly obvious lol. The robe of eyes is a little more interesting. It's basically what it says on the tin- a robe covered in eyes that allows you to see in every direction at all times. This seemed fitting for couri based on just the sheet number of seeds he runs, being aware of your environment at all times holds extra importance when you run than many different worlds.

This book is why I ended up going with order of scribes as his subclass. You cannot tell me that this thing isn't his chat. It's a little sentient book that follows him around!

Finally these are his feats! TBH basically the entirety of my reasoning behind picking telepathic is I needed a +1 boost to intelligence to get him to 20 for that stat lmao. Skill expert also seemed fitting in like a "practice makes perfect" type of manner again because of the sheer amount of no reset speedrunning he does.

This character sheet had a lot more of choices based on vibes alone than either fruit or fein's did, but I hope yall still see the vision lol. Fulham's sheet coming sometime tomorrow! (if I remember to post it)

[luminouslywriting]

I'm so sorry to hear that you have to undergo surgery. As a fellow chronic illness girl, I know how that can be, and I'm sorry you're going through that. If you're still looking for things to keep your mind off it, I'd love to hear any general headcanons for the guys' interests? Just random things you think they might like that weren't specified in the show? I headcanon Buck and Brady as great cooks, for example. 😊

Nonny, thank you for your sweet message :) I so appreciate the love you're sending me! I would love to answer this ask, so more below the cut haha!! And as always, my requests are open and I love getting asks and requests from you all! Please note that this was cut for length and I kept it centered on Bucky, Buck, Rosie, and Brady!

Bucky Egan:

-This will come as no surprise to anyone, but I think he has an extensive collection of baseball cards that start from the time he was five onwards.

-I also think he really enjoys reading, specifically American Literature such as Rip Van Winkle or Tom Sawyer. He does really enjoy learning about New York as well, so he definitely has some New York memorabilia somehow.

-Board game KING. Actually, most games. He's down to play football in the dirt with his friends and he's down to play a game of checkers when the occasion calls for it.

-He strikes me as an animal person, for obvious reasons—so I think he must've had a dog back home or growing up. He definitely thought about going into some form of animal medicine before going into the military.

Buck Cleven:

-Stargazing or cloud-watching. I can't explain it, but I just know that this man has a fascination with the stars and clouds. It's a relaxing way to pass the time and it helps him center his thoughts.

-Plants?? He strikes me as a boy-scout sorta guy, so I picture he got his poisonous plant identification certification or something. He also has some favorite flowers that he likes gathering now and then.

-Science experiments. Again—this one is heavily based on the stuff we see in the show, but he collects the most RANDOM things and spare parts and will just casually build things or try to make things fit together because he likes to know how things work.

-COOKING, babe you're so right. He's a GREAT cook! Put him in front of a slab of meat though and he kinda panics. Breads? He can do it and make a recipe better than the original.

Rosie Rosenthal:

-Music history and theory; this NERD absolutely adores looking into the history of music. He knows about Brahms and Beethoven, Tchaikovsky, Handel, and is able to easily memorize music and tunes.

-MOVIE BUFF. I can't explain it, but I just know that he can quote movies like there's no tomorrow and half of the time, no one even gets the reference.

-Oddly really likes reading the ads in the newspaper? He likes to see what's going on and what kind of help is needed.

-History boi with a niche for weird specific things. Like, he'd be in the middle of a conversation and he'd be like, "this reminds of when the Ottoman Empire...." or "Did you know that the Crusades were actually...."

John Brady:

-Poetry?? He really enjoys reading it, really enjoys writing it?? He strikes me as the type of man to enjoy Tennyson, Keats, or Byron

-Running; it's a really easy way for him to clear his head and he can go for miles before actually realizing that he's run that far.

-HE BUILDS MUSIC BOXES; listen, I have no context for this one, but he just starts tinkering around and this musical KING can just put things together super easily.

-Writes his own sheet music when he's got a lot of feelings....that doesn't mean anyone has ever actually heard said music, but it's definitely a way for him to channel his emotions into something constructive.

[i-sveikata]

ik this is not the case in this fic BUT if they were to adopt a kid, what do you think your Vegas would be as a dad? I'm sure he will put an end to generational trauma or.......will he???

Also are we any close to word game??just curious skkssksksk anyways hope you're doing well and get rest too💓

hey anon!!!! yeah not the case for this fic but i defs think vegas would be a good dad even if he'd be a bit chaotic and unhinged. im picturing him as that meme where they've got the one parent cuddling the child on a deck chair and the other parent holding the child upside down by his ankle in the ocean...

vegas would defs be the upside ankle holding in the ocean lmao. tbh when i think of generational trauma i generally think of parents who dont seek therapy after horrible upbringings, doing what they can not to recreate the horrible things inflicted on them but because they've let it all simmer for so long they end up inflicting a different kind of trauma on their children that might not be the same as what their parent did to them but it's still something that fucks the kid up because the parent never learned how to adequately cope with or address their own trauma and that inability to cope ends up creating some serious or mild emotional trauma in the child.

so like if he and pete were to decide to bring a child into the mix i think theyd both get a bit nervous about fucking it up- not wanting to be their dads to the point that- and im assuming pete would be the one insisting here- they finally seek out some kind of professional and traumatise them (because lets be real theyre both unhinged and i dont know how even a professional would handle them lol) with their childhoods to try and find some way to resolve it.

i can also see pete doing a bit of research by picking up books on generational trauma and child abuse and educating himself a bit more so he can understand the most common pitfalls they're likely to face as parents themselves. but tbh petes in a much better place emotionally and mentally with acceptance of his childhood. unlike vegas hes aware that what happened to him was wrong, that he didnt deserve it and that he should have been protected by both of his parents and not hurt by one whilst the other was unable to fully break the cycle of abuse and permanently leave that dangerous environment, taking him with her. so hes learned to let (most of it) go and not take it on as like some failing within himself or some part of his personality thats evil which his parent recognised and was trying to squash out or repurpose into a weapon (hello vegas)

we are!!! i totally just had a look at my word doc, realised ive written a ridiculous amount of words thereby making the chapter wayyyy too long (AGAIN lol) so i'm splitting off the break earlier than i was planning on so i can post (sorry bathroom sex pete and vegas you will always be famous- lmao and also likely to appear next chap now). so i've got like a couple scenes left to fill out and then its word game time!!

ill post it to signal when its starting- likely today or tomorrow and then it will be editing time for me (and sneak peeks for all you lovely readers who send me word prompts whilst im doing so) :)

[polyamorouspunk]

Hey there. Just wanted to let you know you run one of my favorite blogs. While we're not friends and I certainly can't claim to know you, your posts are always a splash of brightness on my dash. I love all the ask games things you do specially.

I know you're not doing well right now and I know there isn't much I can do to help you with that, but I figured it would be nice to let you know you're appreciated even if I'm just a random stranger half a globe away.

Even if you can't bring yourself to eat something at this time, please consider drinking some water? You deserve to feel better, you deserve care and comfort and filling yummy food and good things coming your way.

I hope tomorrow treats you kindly.

Thank you.

I do feel bad that this year I’ve just been soooo clearly mentally ill, like more than I have been in recent years.

Today I had some Oreo milkshake cookie from Crumbl and my mom bought us a mouse cake slice each!

Been eating a lot of yummy foods lately, especially since I have IBS I try and just enjoy what I can eat when I can eat it.

I’ve def always had weight issues and weight-image issues but even though doctors always want you to “have a better diet to manage symptoms” it’s like. 1. I’m not going to eat only rice and drink only Gatorade to prevent myself from having symptoms 2. If literally anything can make me sick at any time for any reason I might as well eat whatever I want when I’m NOT actively sick, and then when I do get sick is when I start doing some damage control and restricting what I eat to make myself less sick.

And honestly a few of my friends are similar body types to me and I think they’re really hot and it’s made me feel a bit better about myself!

I’m not doing well right now and I’m not really sure how any of it is going to go. I always feel like I’m just like “well I’m in the middle of it and it needs to be resolved but I can’t resolve it right now so I’m just stuck here” but I’ve been able to do some self care like reading, I just finished a book in like? 3 days? Which is pretty good for me nowadays.

I’m managing my anxiety right now by getting some food I just ate, and then I’m going to listen to a podcast while I fall asleep to focus on that instead of my own wandering mind. I have therapy tomorrow morning and I’m not really looking forward to it to be honest but it is what it is.

Every message I get helps. Every person who reaches out helps. I’m so lucky to have the platform I do because if I didn’t I don’t know if I would have been able to make it this far without even more cuts and bruises, both literally and mentally.

[negativepeanuthoarder]

PLEASE MORE PREGGOS SAP N DNN PLEASEEE either angst or fluff

Alright I'm going to set a timer for 20 minutes and write as much as I can :)

944 words, not proofread, Mpreg, no smut, one mention of weight gain/loss

"I feel awful," Sapnap grumbles, lying down on the couch and staring at the ceiling. He really has - waking up every morning with horrible vomiting and fatigue, unable to do much of anything except lie down and sleep, and he can't even do that half the time.

"I know," Dream walks past and touches Sapnap's head before putting a cup of tea on the little table beside him. It's ginger tea, supposed to soothe his upset stomach.

Sapnap sips at it weakly, exhausted. "What even causes this stuff anyways?"

"It's probably just a virus," Dream assures as George walks into the room, spotting Sapnap and Dream on the couch and making a beeline for them both.

"It can't be a virus," George comments casually, leaning onto Sapnap like a nosy cat. "You've been sick for like a week now and none of us have caught it."

Sapnap sighs. "Do you think it's going to go away?"

"Probably," Dream assures. "If you throw up tomorrow we'll go to the doctor's."

"Mm," Sapnap mumbles, rolling over a little and burying himself in throw pillows and blankets, wanting nothing more then to nap for a while and hopefully sleep this off.

George inches closer until they're cuddled up against one another and Dream smiles at them both, gently leaning to kiss Sapnap's forehead and George's cheek, before standing. "I've got some work to do in my office, okay? But I promise I'll be right back when I'm done, we can watch a movie or play a game."

"Okay," Sapnap mumbles. "Can you email someone for me and tell them I can't stream?"

"Of course," Dream assures. "Love you."

"Love you too," Sapnap mumbles, sighing as he finally sinks into the mattress and into a dreamless sleep.

-

George is deeply suspicious of this.

For one, Sapnap throwing up constantly without getting Dream and George sick is weird enough on it's own, but there's other things he's picking up on that neither Sapnap nor Dream seem to notice.

Sapnap frequently leaving their bed in the middle of the night, avoiding foods he used to like while gravitating towards stuff he normally hates, the slight weight gain even though they've been working out all the time.

All signs point to Sapnap being pregnant, which is completely ridiculous because Sapnap can't get pregnant.

Which is why George hasn't brought it up.

But today's as good a day as any to bring this up to Dream and ask what he thinks. George is getting a little sick of feeling like the only person around here with eyeballs.

He releases Sapnap gently, running his hand over his boyfriend's midsection just in case, wondering if he's actually right, if there is a little baby growing inside Sapnap. Sapnap whines in his sleep and rolls over, away from George, and George slips out of the living room and to Dream's office.

"Can we talk?" He asks, knocking at the open door.

Dream tugs off his headphones. "Yeah, what's up?"

George sighs. This is going to be a weird conversation so he might as well get it out of the way. "I think Sapnap's pregnant."

Dream stares at him for a long moment before snorting, amused. "Okay. That's pretty funny - just because he's caught something or had food poisioning doesn't mean he's-"

"I'm serious," George frowns at him. "He's getting up all the time, has all this weird food stuff, sleeps all day, he's sick, and on top of that he's gained a little weight. He's pregnant."

Dream looks at George for a long moment, trying to process that information. "But... George he's - he can't get pregnant, he doesn't even have a like... uterus. That's impossible."

"It's either that or he's got some weird illness that's masqerading as pregnancy," George sighs. "Look it couldn't hurt to take a pregnancy test, can it?"

Dream looks skeptical. "Yeah, that won't hurt, but good luck convincing Sapnap he's pregnant."

George slinks off, ordering a pregnancy test for same-day delivery online as he does so, and trots back to the living room.

-

Turns out Sapnap is extremely easy to convince he needs to take a pregnancy test. He thinks it's a joke and humors George by taking it.

And then it comes back positive. He's pregnant. He really is pregnant. Sapnap is pregnant.

"This doesn't- I'm not even- I shouldn't-" Sapnap mutters, sitting down at a barstool while Dream and George get food for the three of them. "This shouldn't even be possible."

"Well... we'll get a good look at the doctor's office tomorrow," Dream sighs, before walking over to kiss Sapnap's head. "But until then you probably need to rest for a little, okay?"

Sapnap agrees, purely because he's really tired and just wants to nap in their bed. He also wants them to snuggle with him, and he wants the cats to snuggle with him too, even though they're entirely disinterested in doing that.

Except Patches, who leans against him and purrs while he sleeps, warm and safe in their big bed. Dream joins him a little later with a laptop to work on, and George climbs in with his phone. He likes resting his hand on Sapnap's tummy.

George loves it, loves feeling like he's holding a baby inside Sapnap, a little jelly bean. Their baby, all three of them. Their little baby growing inside Sapnap. He loves it. He loves them already, because they're a part of Sapnap and George loves Sapnap and he loves Dream and he loves whatever this is.

Even if this is all a false alarm. But that's a worry for tomorrow. Today George is happy with his boyfriends and their baby.

[youredreamingofroo]

a bit of a message talking about inactivity and my possible hiatus. I dont know if this counts as a cw but i talk about depression here and there at the beginning (nothing graphic) and as usual, its a rant

im gonna be straight honest rn, i'm probably not gonna be active on tumblr for these next few days, ive been super up and down depressed and im just unmotivated and too tired to do anything, im still gonna check in here and there but dont expect me to reblog or reply to many posts, if at all. This could mark the beginning of a hiatus, but with mood swings and up and down depression, i could be back, active as ever tomorrow. Ever since ive uninstalled Sims 4, i did feel a weight lift off my shoulders, but simultaneously made me depressed due to the lack of... well... doing something, i dont... really know how to put it into words, its just something in my brain that i just cant explain, i guess a good way to put it is playing sims 4 gave me the motivation to stem off into other mediums, blender for example, gave me something to do, something to learn, and while i can still use blender, i just get progressively slower and slower at doing stuff in it because of my limited resources, some scenes i want to do require specific outfits and i dont have the facilities to make those outfits... i mean i probably do but i just dont feel motivated to do all that. I still play other games, ive been playing a lot of slime rancher 2 and have been trying to branch out to other games (indie games and bigger games), I want to post gameplay but if youve seen me rant about tumblr before, one of my biggest gripes is just how fucking annoying it is to upload images, so i just get completely unmotivated to post images/gameplay especially if its just some silly post. if uh if anyone is still reading this, ill be honest, i havent even been motivated to write about WAS at all, probably havent touched the planning doc in about 2 weeks. This... 'spiral'... has been noticeable for me for the last week as my sleep schedule gets swapped around from sleeping at night and awake during the day... to sleeping during the day and awake at night, this is all my fault, but its also just something that happens rotationally for me, i go from sleeping VERY early in the evening (6PM at the earliest) and waking at VERY early times in the morning (4AM at the latest) to sleeping VERY late in the morning (6AM at the earliest) and waking up late in the evening (3PM at the latest), i dont really know what causes the shift, but it happens, and i often blame myself for it even though i dont know what causes it...

anyways sorry, this will probably mark a very iffy hiatus, like i said ill be active but not... super active, i didnt check tumblr at all yesterday/monday, so thats kind of the pattern to expect from me depending on the day. In the meantime... i might try to get back into older sims games, ive mentioned this before, but i do have sims 1 on my laptop so maybe ill post stupid little gameplay posts from there (granted i havent played in like... a month 😐). I'll probably put up a poll after this post for people to vote on which sims game i should play- i KNOW i did it once before but im probably gonna do it again cuz i cant find the post and i have over 1000 posts 😭

if you read thus far, thank you for sticking around, if your a random person who read this for no reason... thanks? if your a follower of mine and cant understand where im coming from with this lengthy post, see yourself out or deal with it 🙃 otherwise, thank you all and i will be lurking about

[urfavoritedcwhore]

the russian boy//part four

warnings: cursing, mentions of sex, alcohol usage

lowercase intended

!reminder! boris’s first language is not English, so in some parts he’ll be speaking broken English. the writing “mistakes” in his dialect is intentional:)

part four: the sleepover (do or tell)

as we lay on the couch watching movies boris turns to me, "do you want drink?", he says gesturing to the vodka bottle outside. i mean im honestly still drunk but why not keep the party going. "if you're drinking i will.", i say with a shrug. he grins and goes outside to get the bottle. i guess tonight will be a blackout night, but i'm not worried. tomorrow's friday and if im too hungover ill just tell my teachers that im exhausted from the move so they're not suspicious. boris comes back inside with the vodka and plops down on the couch, closer than he was before. he take a swig from the bottle while looking straight at me. i smile and take the bottle from his hands when he pulls it away from his lips. it only has about 5 more shots in it, i guess we drank a fuck more than i thought we did. i bring the bottle to my lips and take about 2 shots, not wanting to drink it all. i pull the bottle back down from my mouth, before i can wipe my lips boris wipes them with his thumb. this man knows how to make my pussy throb, im tellin ya that. we both let out a small giggle and lean back into the couch. i place the bottle in the small space between us so that he can access it easily when he wants more. after about 5 seconds of silence, he speaks up. "you want to play game? could be fun.", he says turning towards me. what kinda game does this kid have in mind? fuck i hope it's not some weird strip game or something, not saying i wouldn't play, the problem is i need to be his friend before i have sex with him. i like this dude, maybe actually like like him. is that crazy? i only met him today, and maybe it's the liquor talking but fuck, i feel like we just kinda connected. it's a stupid crush that i don't want to have. i don't want to get too comfortable here, and i don't want to have a one night stand with my new friend. i speak up, "what kind of game?", i say raising my eyebrow suspiciously and looking at him. he smiles, "potter taught it to me, i think is called tell or do? is like when you pick "tell", you have to tell me something i ask, or if you pick "do" you have to do something i say.", he says trying his best to explain. "and if you don't want to tell or do what the other person picks, you have to drink.", he continues pointing to the bottle between us. this boy means truth or dare. you know what, i'm not gonna correct him i'll let him have this one. i'm honestly a little scared the game might get out of hand, but fuck it. if it gets out of hand oh well. it might not be ideal to do shit with this man, but the way he looks right now, i know i wouldn't be able to deny it. if the dare is "have sex with me", then i can just drink, easy peasy. "alright,", i say giggling, "i think i get the rules. i'll play.". boris smiles a happy smile and gets up, he walks over the the freezer and reveals three more bottles of liquor. oh shit. he takes one that looks like it's maybe whiskey and walks over to me. "we probably won't finish bottle tonight, we would get too sick, but we use for the game?", he asks waving it with a smirk.

ok ok good he's not expecting us to drink all that booze, for a second i thought i was gonna have to chicken out and tell him i couldn't. "perfect.", i say with a smile grabbing the bottle from his hand. i put it down on the couch, and pick back up the bottle of vodka laying on the couch. i take another quick shot and look at boris, who's now sitting beside me again. he opens his mouth and tilts his head back. i laugh and poor two shots in his open mouth. he tilts his head back up and swallows before we both let out a laugh. i place the bottle beside the whiskey, and look at him. "so who's going first?", i ask. "do or tell?", he asks me with a smile. i guess im going first. i don't wanna be lame and say tell on the first question, so i choose do. "i'll pick do.", i say hoping he doesn't pick anything too outrageous for me to do. he smiles and stands up jogging to his school bag. before i can even ask what he's doing he's back on the couch and digging through the bag. he pulls out a sharpie and smirks, "draw on potters face.", he says like he thinks he's the smartest person in the world for coming up with this. i look at him a chuckle, "ok fine, but when he wakes up in the morning you have to say you did it, im not taking the blame.", i say still laughing. "yes, he will think is me anyways.", boris says handing me the marker. i get up and walk over to theo, who's now snoring and laying on his back. i hear boris giggling like a child on the couch behind me. i uncap the marker and draw a small tear drop under his eye, and a penis on the tip of his nose. theo doesn't flinch at all, boris was right, once theo's asleep he's not waking up till morning. i cap the marker and look at my work before going back to the couch. boris starts laughing so hard he looks purple. "HAHAHAH, THEO THE GANGSTER, YES?", he exclaims in between laughs. i look at theo again and start absolutely dying, i don't know if it's because im so drunk or because its so childish, but for some reason its just too fucking funny. our laughter dies down after a minute, and i wipe the small tear that escaped my eye, as boris does the same. "ok ok,", i say still catching my breath from laughing, "your turn, tell or do?", i ask him. he thinks about it for a second. "hmm i choose tell." , he said with a shrug. "lameeee!", i say back to him laughing. he nudges me with his elbow, "cmon what do i tell you?", he says smiling. honestly i don't know what to ask him.  i decide to go with the first question on my mind.

"is theo gay?", i whisper to him even though i know theo wouldn't wake up even if i was shouting at the top of my lungs. this makes him let out a throaty laugh and consider my question for a moment, "hmm theo likes both boys and girls, he told everyone last year. i mean i think everyone is a little gay, i can like men and women too, but i don't want my ass fucked.", he says nonchalantly. i almost choke on my own spit. good for theo and boris, no judgement from me, i had a girlfriend for a little while but things didn't work out. i guess all three of us swing both ways, i never would have guessed boris does, but hey the more you know. i smile, "i knew he was a little fruity, no one straight dresses that well!", i say remembering the cargo pants, vintage batman tshirt, and the studded belt theo wore today. boris laughs at this, "yea, potter will roam in thrift shops for hours looking for good clothes he can afford. i usually just wear whatever is clean in my closet, he gets so frustrated when i wear my sweater everywhere.", he says rolling his eyes and looking at theo. i let out a small giggle, " well personally, i think your sweater is very stylish.", i say rolling the sweaters sleeves up. he smiles at me and grabs the left sleeve of the sweater help me roll it up. after he gets the sleeve up he takes a swig of the vodka and hands it to me. i take a drink and set it back on the sofa. i  100% gonna have a hangover tomorrow. "tell or do?", he says wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "tell", i say without hesitation. "oh who's lame now?", he says with a smirk. "oh shut up!", i say slurring and giggling. he laughs, "okay okay, my question is..", he thinks for a moment, "are YOU gay?", he says pointing at me. i laugh at his exaggeration of the word "you". "yea, i mean i'm bi, i like boys and girls like you and theo do.", i tell him moving my hair out of my face. his mouth drops and i can tell that he didn't expect me to say yes. "wait so you have like..had girlfriend?", he asks confused, "cause i like both, but i have never had boyfriend before, just kissed a few boys.", he says with genuine curiosity. "yea i had a girlfriend for awhile, we dated for maybe..8 or 9 months? i can't remember.", i tell him trying to remember how long we dated. he must be as drunk as i am cause he blurts out, "did you have sex????", with the most genuine interest in his voice. "hey! this is tell or do not 20 questions. it's your turn, tell or do?", i say laughing at his question.

"fineee, i pick tell.", he says. "cmon dude are you ever gonna pick do?", i say smiling. "maybe, maybe not, we have to keep playing to figure out.", he says holding his hands up. we continue playing "tell or do", (which is basically just tell or drink now because we both keep choosing tell) until we're both slurring and laughing from all the whisky we've drank to avoid questions. it's my turn when my drunken brain makes my mouth say the first thing it thinks of. "how many people have you done the nasty with?", i say slurring with the whiskey bottle in my hand. usually i wouldn't even consider asking this but when im this drunk my mouth and brain have no filter. i realize what i said and jokingly shake the whiskey bottle at him, "tell or drinkkk.". he laughs, "keep the bottle i tell i tell, but you promise not to laugh?, he says looking at me. "i promise.", i say slurring and putting one hand over my heart. "ok so i sleep with one girl, and im pretty sure i didn't do it right. miała na imię Kailey i-", i cut him off. "english borisss", i say throwing a pillow lightly at him. i've realized the more he drinks the more russian or polish he talks without realizing it. "fuck sorry.", he says trying shaking his head. "her name was kailey, she was my girlfriend, but i'm pretty sure she didn't like because we only did once and a week later she break up with me.", he says explaining in his broken drunken english. "oh shit, that blows.", i say suprised that this sexy man may honestly not be good at fucking. i mean its gonna be pretty bad for a girl to leave him for the way he fucks. "no is okay, she was how do you say...ah whore, she was whore. she leave me to date older man like a year ago. maybe she leave because he has job and can buy her things?", he says like he genuinely doesn't care what the reason was. "well i'm sure you're a good fuck," i say trying to make him feel better, "i've heard russians are freaks in the sheets.", i whisper slurring with a laugh. this makes him chuckle, "ha! yes that is funny, have you slept with russian man before?", he says looking at me with a smirk. before i can realize what im saying i spit out, "no, not yet.", with a half joking flirtatious wink. his face turns red and his eyes grow. before he can say anything i laugh and take a swig of the whiskey, "i'm so fucking tired, i'm probably gonna pass out soon.", i say looking at my phone to realize it's 3:24am. "yea me too, do you want us to go up to bed or stay on couch?", he asks. aw fuck i teased him too hard he thinks something's gonna go down tonight. he notices the look on my face, "nothing weird, i promise, i just don't like sleeping alone and theo's not gonna wake up to sleep with me. is that weird?", he says reassuring me. "no it's not weird, i honestly hate sleeping alone too, i don't know why but i just sleep better with someone next to me.", i say truthfully. i'm guessing this need to not be alone stems somewhere from our mommy/daddy issues, but im not trying to explore that tonight. "okay, good. we can sleep in my room?", he asks pointing up stairs. "sure.", i say glad that im not gonna have to fall asleep on this tiny ass couch. we walk up stairs and into boris's room where we both fall on the bed too exhausted to even turn off the christmas lights on his wall. we're both on our own side of the bed, and just like he said it's nothing weird. he crawls under the blankets and then drapes them over me. "night new girl.", he says with a smile. "goodnight boris.", i say smiling back with a yawn. we fall asleep on our respective sides of the bed facing each other. fuck. this russian boy is too perfect, i mean can anyone blame me for having a crush?

[danggirlronpa]

Hey mind telling me what the story behind Kiyo’s sister is? I’m kind of clueless and only heard one story of the whole thing😅

This got decently long, so I've put it under a cut. I'll add it to the FAQ tomorrow as well, since it's come up a few times!

I will also request that this post not be reblogged to hate blogs or blogs specifically dedicated to "bad" or "disliked" content. As someone who has been harassed as a result of content being circulated in those circles, it makes me very panicked and anxious to see my work on similar blogs. If you do so, I will need to block you for my own mental stability.

In V3 chapter three, Korekiyo admits to mass murder and takes on the guise of his sister to do so. As a result of being nearly beaten to death at one point, Korekiyo created a tulpa of his dead sister (who we'll call by her popular fan name, Miyadera, from here on). He believed Miyadera wanted him to murder 100 girls, and claimed that they were once lovers.

In general, fans seem to take Korekiyo's claims at face value. Which is...weird, considering how obviously the whole thing is a "mentally ill delusional sexually deviant serial killer" trope played completely straight. And that his worldview includes things like "I should kill people so my dead sister has friends." But let's set that aside, and say that, for the sake of explaining the popular fandom viewpoint, Korekiyo is a reliable narrator.

So in chapter 3, when he is on the brink of being cornered, Korekiyo begins to switch between his own identity and the identity of his sister's tulpa. These are the only potential looks we have into Miyadera's personality. To give you the gist, here are all of the quotes while Korekiyo takes on his sister's guise that are listed on the Wiki.

(Please note that the "Apologize" is directed at another student who challenges Korekiyo.)

I'm going to be honest. I have reread this a LOT trying to figure out what everyone else is apparently seeing here that I am not. At worst, this reads to me as a slightly stern etiquette teacher. But the popular fandom perception is that this dialogue implies that Miyadera was manipulating and abusing Korekiyo. I could not honestly tell you WHY people believe this, but they do.

And people ran with that. They ran with that so hard. Every sin Korekiyo commits is pinned down as being Miyadera's fault, and Korekiyo is absolved of his crimes as a result of being an abuse victim. It's similar to the effect you often see in the way people discuss Junko and Mukuro, except that Mukuro does not invoke nearly as much sympathy on a larger level, even though Junko's mockery and subsequent murder of her sister are explicit canon.

Now, to be clear: I don't buy into this. I think this is an extremely generous reading of Korekiyo's character, and that it removed his agency and the horror of his crimes to make him more sympathetic (particularly for shipping purposes - if you glance through the Miyadera tag, you see a LOT of Korekiyo/Rantaro fics with Miyadera as the evil abuser Rantaro must rescue Korekiyo from). I also think that people give too much credit to the canonicity of Miyadera's "possession" when it isn't clear, even in the universe of the game itself, whether Miyadera is actually a tulpa or if it's an identity that resulted from Korekiyo's trauma, like Syo/Jack.

But on its own, I don't care about it THAT much. People have headcanons I disagree with all the time. I don't really like a lot of people's thoughts about Nagito's backstory, either, but I don't think about it very often, and I certainly don't care enough to get mad about it. The problem is...

People are very, VERY violent about Miyadera.

I'm going to ask you to reread the quotes from Miyadera as a reminder of literally everything we know about her personality. And then I'll ask you to read this post.

This...is, in fact, despite all odds, the predominate opinion on Miyadera. If you go into her character tags, there are an endless number of posts like these, daydreaming about doing violence on her person, murdering her, torturing her, etc.

As a Grandparent (25, the age of spinsterhood), this sets off some alarm bells. This is how people used to treat female characters who got in the way of their favorite ships, like Kairi from Kingdom Hearts. Now, that is popularly understood to have been a result of misogyny. It is horrifying to see that it has survived.

Fantasizing about committing excessive violence against a woman...is misogyny. Making up crimes a woman did not canonically commit as an excuse to justify fantasizing about violence against her is misogyny. It is one thing to dislike a character based on headcanons. It is a totally separate matter to participate in and encourage this level of vitrol solely to make a male character more sympathetic.

To clarify: I do not think that misogyny is the sole reason for this interpretation. By nature, Danganronpa appeals to teenagers, who tend to fall into this type of fandom-wide trap more easily. But it is, in fact, more concerning to normalize this sort of thought process among teens and young people. And so I am very defensive of Miyadera's actual character as a result.

[carcharsaur]

(sticking to your rearview window) 3, 15, 34 for both caranar and kozu please...

3. Does their Echo function like it does in the MSQ? Or is there a twist to it? 

kozu doesn't have the echo at all! he's a RELATIVELY normal guy... not being able to help the 'real' wol fight did bother him more and more as time went on so endwalker finally letting him participate was gratifying for him (guy who has a guilt complex about inaction. smiles) for caranar, he gets flashes of the future similar to mikoto from ivalice/bozja quests and... it's a big thing for him, from the moment he got it he and the people around him labeled it as a curse and portent of doom. it was the start of a lot of bad shit happening to him genuinely. it haunted him for the longest time, and before meeting minfillia he refused to even speak about it or admit it was a thing anymore out of fear of it. after meeting her and other echo-bearers it was a huge weight lifted from him, but it took him a long time to begin to accept and come to terms with it. even when it was framed as a loving blessing from hydaelyn he still fell ill at ease about it. the things he sees always happen without fail, but they lack a lot of context that the canon in-game echo scenes have so the devil is in the details etc. but even still very rarely does it not fill him with dread to get one. meeting mikoto really helped him cope too though I imagine they are besties based on JUST that cause he is not scholarly but they can firmly shake hands about this.

ok good lordt I'm gonna readmore the rest

15. Is your WoL promiscuous? Celibate? Or just waiting for the right person? 

caranar hypothetically has no problem sleeping around, but in the context of like ARR-late HW he is way too insecure and scared (both of being hurt and hurting someone. bodily) to be vulnerable with people like that really. so he flirts then pulls back before he has to really show his underbelly etc you'd have to chase him and get his trust. hard sell. in my main canon for caranar by the time uuuh 4.1 rolls around he has a wife but in my multitudinous AUs SB would be the prime caranar slut era (especially when he's riding the high of the nadaam arc), shb too but in a more unhealthy "we might die tomorrow so fuck it" way. post endwalker though he'd be very well adjusted and free to indulge. the thing with him though is that if he catches real feelings for someone he'd pursue that singlemindedly and get overprotective of it. and fall deep fast. so partially waiting for right person but not going to hold himself back either I suppose? kozu... well he's a whore and I love him for that. (in my perfect world where transphobia isn't a thing to worry about on etheirys). as soon as he got remotely settled in dalmasca he just had a full hedonist era. caranar was his roommate and was sick of his shit but didn't care enough at the time to intervene. the events at the end of their time there though lead to kozu withdrawing a lot and focusing on himself rather than relationships, by the time we get to ARR though he'd just have regular flings. dropping anything as soon as he got scared of the expectation, inclination, echo, of any real emotional intimacy and commitment. genuinely kind of a big problem with him until fucking shadowbringers where in the face of "we might die here for real" and being away from the source he pulled some skeletons out of his closet and faced them for real. still a bit flighty but he's trying. also he's polyam and if a partner wanted exclusivity it'd be over right away, but he's very clear about that before getting real with anyone. oh btw caranar is bi/pan and kozu is very very gay

34. Would you say your WoL is fundamentally a good person? Or are they a bad person that's been persuaded to do the right things? 

well I think if you directly asked them, caranar would legitimately think he's a bad person despite his every effort to try and do good. and kozu would just say they're trying to be a good person out of their own selfish desire, undermining how good they could truly be. I think they're both fundamentally good people though, especially caranar... he's just been abused and used enough that he blames himself for it rather than those who inflicted it on him. (other than the empire. and ishgardian inquisitors. he wants to tear through them. his righteous rage is focused more of injust structures of power and ppl that willfully enforce them vs. individual people) he really just wants to do right by common people though. kozu is a bit more complicated, but not enough for me to say he was ever "bad" just he genuinely didn't understand the weight of his own actions when killing people as a warder in golmore and felt more and more personally sickened by himself the more of the world he saw, and thinks he can never make up for a hundred years of that no matter how many lives he saves now.

[timidloner]

me ascending every time you call me ram <3 (it's like a power up i love it, like joren with mc, you're enabling me to ramble more each time)(sorry in advance for the amount ill send) watch me call you lolo for the loner in your username

it was very clear so we appreciate it!! and exactly omfg you get it, there's nothing wrong with being a conventionally attractive white man but personally it's so underwhelming compared to what i sometimes imagined (one time i played a game where i thought the guy had long black hair brooding and sharp looks like babygirl right? but then i saw the pictures and he had short very bland looks i cried.) tiktok goes crazy with THESE especially with the fancasting people do for books, its always the same kind of dudes its tragic (definitely an interesting topic from a sociological perspective but ill stop too lmaoaoa)

moles are so attractive normally but now with your concept too? brain rot i cant believe... is joren's neck sensitive? please i need to know because just MC touching the moles but instead they watch joren's neck turn red and both end up blushing like fools and THE SCARS WOAHHHH????? MC turning his scars into something joren can love by admiring them (tho the angst would be crazy if the MC was to be disgusted but personally my MC could never cause joren is our big meow meow)(im still not over the fact he can purr like can the MC scratch the back of his ears too? i need MOREEEE MONSTER FACTS)

AWWW, I love it!! Lolo is such a cute nickname!!

And I actually went to booktok to study (laugh at) this phenomenon and you're so right!! There's nothing wrong with these dudes, of course, but when the entirety of your male cast looks the same, it just becomes booooooring. They look like brothers!! Add some spice, please!!

Fortunately, that kind of surprise hasn't happened to me, I either never see the characters' portraits (IF) or that's the first thing I do (VN). But I won't go into detail about my feelings here, gotta stay away from controversies now that I'm a game dev (never gets old), haha!!

And yes! I've always loved moles, on someone's wrist, neck, below their eye, or the edge of their mouth... Doesn't matter, they are great.

I'd say both his neck and wrists are sensitive. And I love that idea, but due to his skin tone, his blush isn't really visible! So instead of turning red, we could say that MC is touching him and suddenly his skin heats up under their palm and he starts to sweat a little bit!

And ugh, now I can't help but imagine MC calling Joren their handsome man while tracing his scars...

Like, he doesn't really care if he's considered good-looking or not, but MC calling him that???? He'd melt. Suddenly, he'd understand why everyone is so concerned about beauty, and how good that kind of validation feels. He'd even start putting more effort into his appearance.

And maybe he could start seeing his scars as proof of how brave he's been throughout his life? He could stop being neutral about it, and become proud of them?

On the other hand, if MC finds him disgusting for his scars, it would make him insecure for the first time in a really long time. He'd try to dress in tunics with long sleeves, and always face MC with the "better" side of his face, so they don't have to look at his scar.

And yes!! Of course MC gets to scratch his ears, I'm pouring all of my impossible dreams of cuddling a big cat in those scenes. I'll think of some monster facts for tomorrow!!

[lunarsilkscreen]

TW: Anxiety and Depression

People in *situations* like to talk about "of course you're anxious" or "of course you're depressed". The system keeping you down, worried about tomorrow, discrimination, student loans you'll never pay off, worried about what your kid is going to eat tomorrow. Worried about the Hamas in the Gaza strip doing another 9/11. You know, the usual.

There's even an industry built around tackling those feelings caused by external factors. Life isn't a great feeling when you have no choice but to gamble. Or when it constantly feels like you're under attack for no reason but trying to get home.

It's why people look at these things like a disease of affluence. But I'm telling you; poor people experience these things too.

Those external factors, pundents constantly claim, once you have a steady income stream, shelter, one single album by Jimi Hendrix, and the feelings go away.

And then other pundents claim that after 72k$ income they come back because you've constantly got rich people problems.

Those are not Anxiety and Depression.

Scientific studies show that being in situations for extended periods of time (approx 6 months) can cause *those* symptoms to become *permanent* that, is one form of anxiety or depression.

I say them like this: "anxiety and depression" because "mental illness" sounds like you just got put in Arkham by Batman. Like it's this thing only supervillains have. Like they'd be fine if they just stopped stealing expensive art from rich people.

The baseline for Anxiety and Depression and other mental irregularities like PTSD, puts you into a permanent state of a doctor would say "arousal" but that sounds like you just took too many Viagra. A scientist might say "to excitation" but that sounds like the same thing.

Anxiety is a low grade fear, constantly in the background, even when you've got nothing going on, no bills. After being put into a situation, those background levels skyrocket, and you never can recover in order to really get out of that situation.

So you just kinda get stuck tuning it out, and trying to keep on.

Depression is this low grade sadness, like. Imagine somebody just laying into you everyday, but they're not funny about it, nobody is having fun, they're doing it to keep you down. And everybody else just says "well you deserve it."

Except, unlike Trump, there's nobody there doing that. But you feel like somebody is.

Personally, I can get through a lot when people aren't messing with me. But when they start playing around, it becomes difficult to do basic tasks. I'm talking about basic things like getting out of bed to go pee. On a day where you have nothing going on, no reason to not want to chill and play video games, or even just scroll on your phone while eating cereal.

Just, don't even want to do things on your relaxing day off to relax.

And that's why this ignorance of what anxiety and depression really is, is dangerous.

Like, "man, if you just ate a snickers, you won't have those shellshock flashbacks anymore."

Imagine, being so depressed that you don't even want to get high.

Now imagine being so anxious you can't take your pills that'll help you go-to work everyday. That's not a good example.

Imagine you have a job you enjoy, and are excited everyday to go-to work and get paid. But you had a situation that lasted 6-18months, like hospital bills, or legal issues. Or somebody stole your car or something.

And you realize; there's no reason to be happy anymore. So you just kind of give up. Because why do anything, even if you particularly enjoy it if that serotonin hit just isn't a thing anymore.

*oh my TikTok went viral. Guess it's time to never do tiktoks again*

It's hard to explain to people, because most people have their own issues like "ye. Life is SAD AND SCARY. AND WE ALL JUST DEAL WITH IT."

"Well I was also dealing with it, until this thing made it impossible to deal with it anymore."

It *sounds* like burnout too, because it's a similar thing. But you can recover from burnout with a long enough vacation. (If you can afford a vacation.)

"The hardest part about going to work, is going to work, and then after you get started it's fine."

Ok, now imagine after that, and your morning coffee, and you're just mentally checked out all day everyday. Sure you get work done, and the pay means you don't starve or end up homeless.

But you're never actually there. Not like *watching cat videos in the bathroom* not there, or *constantly imagining yourself at the bahamas, working on your vision board* not there.

Just. Not. There. The lights are on, but nobody is home.

Physically you're there, but you're like a robot that's had all its dreams about the future sucked out.

You can't dream you can't think, you can't get aroused or excited. (I mean, sure you jerk off at home, but that's not what I meant).

I'd say Sui* Ideation, but that isn't even on the table. It is when you take the advice of the gurus who say "just learn to get passed fear". Because that's what happens when you're in a constant state of depression and no longer fear the one thing keeping you on the planet.

And all it takes is six months, unless you're not a betac*, then it could be years. But you still end up in the same place.

[tay13897]

My oc name: Colette

Gender:female

Personality:Kind/smart/sassy

Hobbies:writing/piano/art /games

Age 15

Author:now on the story

Colette pov

It was a Sunday it was about 8:00 pm in my room l was on the phone at the time l had heard about the doki doki literature club game and watched it on YouTube l honestly didn't like horror infact if l was in a horror game l would be hiding the whole entire time and would be way to scared to

Even think about come out of my hiding spot and l just stuck with the wholesome mods and trust l wouldn't get Jumpscared or it being scary like the original doki doki literature club game l was going to watch the male mod the next night after my first day of highschool

And l actually like the male mod as well Minus the scary parts l avoid l even simp for some of the characters but im now gonna have a different life and tomorrow is the day l go to highschool make some friends find

A best friend maybe even fall in love with someone who is sweet trustable and loyal maybe like in those fluff stories l like or like the ore monogatari anime l put my phone on my desk then lay down on my bed and fall asleep

Wait a minute isn't this the mc's room the one us players play as no no it can't be l looked down at my Clothes l was in my night clothes relieved l wasn't in a male body but l still felt panicked because I'm stuck in a game my family which is my brother and my parents by the way are gone and my

Entire life is just poof flushed down the toilet l was gonna go to high school and finally after my seven months of hard work trying get my education level up to highschool and yes I agree that it will be very useful in this world but thats besides the point

And finally going to make some friends to besides my family and not be lonely for once and also there are no background characters in the doki doki literature club game literally none like in that one mod where we went to places but didn't hear or see a single background character

And the only friends ill be making besides the everyone in the literature club is nonexistent background characters! I cried in my pillow

Which means even if l try to go to another club that is not the literature club ill just get dragged there by sayori for the sake of the plot and the only friends ill be having in this game is Yuri natsuki sayori and Monika

I grabbed my phone next to me and saw a notification that says if you complete the entire game you will go back to your world it says and it was from an anonymous person

Then l got another message saying but be warned if Moniko deletes even one character from the game its game over

Allright I'm gonna have to form a plan to make sure that doesn't happen and wait! Moniko so this is the male version of the game

And knowing that its going to be scary just makes me shiver and feel really uneasy l check what time it is and its 8:00 am and l don't know what time school starts so l looked online

What time highschool starts and it starts about 8:30 l got myself ready for school brushed took a shower and put on my uniform that was in my drawer im still not quite used to this room

Or wearing an anime girl skirt l don't want to be caught up in a weird anime situation so l wear shorts under and my school bag and took a moment to look around the house

Wow this house looks really nice l wonder how he can even afford to live here let alone be able to pay the bills here oh l forgot anime logic l said as l opened the door

Then l went to the front of his house and I called sayori to see if he was awake he answered yes and told me he was almost finished getting ready for school then he came out of his house

And man l will admit he did look cute but l also felt alittle bit nervous seeing him for the first time upfront because l wasn't used to meeting an anime character let alone talking to one l also felt oddly close to him like he really was my childhood friend

As we were walking to school with sayori he was talking about how l should join a club speaking of club he asked me to join the literature club l told he yes because not only try to win the game but also to figure out a plan to win the game and plus l secretly liked making poems and I have never read manga before which is also a plus ill need to some alone time to form a plan

[batri-jopa]

10 Characters and 10 Fandoms

Rules: name 10 of your favourite characters from 10 different fandoms, then tag 10 people to do the same.

Thank you @figuringthengsout for tagging me! Since it's not my first "favorite characters" tag game I'm going to play with it a little:

So there's that ONE character who's usually in the background, because he's way too smart to throw himself directly into the main plot. He already knows it all. Seen it all, lived it all, he suffered enough to have his skin thick as an armour. And he is terminally ill or already nearly died few times (or actually died multiple times if he's immortal) so he simply can't care anymore. He's too tired to laugh at the danger, he's more like: come on danger, I don't have whole day. He's wise and smart, he's rude and grumpy, all his advices are cynical and sarcastic, but you'd rather hear from him that you're a pathetic shithead than never meet him again. Apart from losing faith in humanity and despite his efforts to fuck it all already - deep inside he's still the most rightous and skilled person around. And if he have no other option but do things by himself as a main character - he makes the best of it just running on pure insolence and morbid humour, knowing right from the start there's no happy ending for him...

So here's just few examples of this guy:

Doktor Szlangbaum from The Doll / Lalka (book by Bolesław Prus first published in 1889, also 1978 TV series) - old grumpy jewish doctor full of life wisdom and sarcastic comments. When still young and stupid he once tried to kill himself out of love but been rescued and since then he used to say suicidal people should not be disturbed.

Gaius Petronius from Quo Vadis. He's too cool to act. But if he have to - he kicks ass. He kicks all the asses. With Neron the caesar being the biggest ass of them all.

Mendoza from The Mysterious Cities Of Gold (TV series, 1982-1983). They'd love to kill him in second episode already - if not for the fact it is XVI century and on the ocean, and he is the Navigator, and they would literally die without him... So he's aware of it, he can play with his privileges and their expectations. Always being himself. You never know if he's good or evil, he's always working on his own terms and for his own good, he seems to change sides of the conflict quite fluently... In one episode one of his stupid sidekicks asks him who they are working for right now because he got really confused... That's the character trait, ladies and gents🤣

Hobson from Arthur (1981). What a vicious, grumpy, cynical old man! Terminally ill, of course. You got to love him, no other option.

Dirty Harry (nuff said). Saving the suicide jumper is my most favorite scene. Yes, it's wrong, yes, it's against all the rules, but OMG how authentical it was... And Man with No Name from Dollars Trilogy is actually the same guy so yeah, count him too.

Duńczyk from Vabank (1981) - "Z wiekiem spada zapotrzebowanie na zysk, a rośnie popyt na święty spokój" (With age, the demand for profit is falling and there's a growing demand for peace of mind)

Bob Cody from Interstate 60 - "Say what you mean, mean what you say". And he MEANS IT. For real... Terminally ill has no scruples

Rita Vrataski (Emily Blunt) from Live, Die, Repeat: Edge of Tomorrow. I am a little sorry that she's the only female on this list but how can I help that kind of woman characters are so rare? It's like every Ghibli Studio girl with her "fuck off I have the world to save" attitude but Rita is not a minor. And everytime Tom Cruise's character comes to her presence to lose his head and get hard (he's basicly a stupid dick with legs) she's like: "We're trying to avoid apocalypse here, can you focus?" And kills him. Again and again. She literally kills the handsome prick every damn time unless he comes back good enough to save the world with her. So yeah, she have that ultimate AroAce energy that I adore 🧡💛🤍🩵💙

So now for two characters of different trait - villains:

Shere Khan from Jungle Book (1967) - he's a villain but he's so awesome. Like: everybody around knows he's the most dangerous killer around so he simply doesn't need any show off or flexing muscles. Whenever he appears each and every animal already shits their pants (regardless of no pants) and he is sooo aware of that effect that he plays with it. Being just so casual and courteous. And when anyone still needs more persuasion he's like: oh, we're both gentlemen here and I surely don't need to remind you of my CLAWS for that would be improper... He's such a killer🤣

Frank Burns from M.A.S.H. TV series. He's a villain too. And he's sooo evil. But sooo stupid. He's a human louse. He's so pathetic it's almost cute. And whenever he does something really wrong you know he's going to be punished and humiliated - and it's such a relaxing ritual of restoring your faith in humanity...🥲

Okey, that'll be it. Tagging @notasapleasure and @morulezopelforever and... if you're reading this and would like to dust off your drafts and notes you can feel tagged too👍

[ina-nis]

I think you're way further along than me and it's a little disheartening to know that even if you heal the traumas and the wounds, gain a sense of self and worth, grow social skills and tools for managing emotions, that it's still a struggle.

That is really difficult after all... this is why I think it's important to not give up, and hold onto something, anything that can give you any sense of control. And if you don't have that yet, it's possible to make it yourself, or to get from something or someone else.

I can't say this is "acceptance" per se... sure, it may look like it, but I guess it's more like... looking at myself beyond the struggles? Does this make sense? I'm much more than my problems, I'm much more than my mental and physical illnesses. Those are part of me, but not entirely who I am.

It's not because I accept these parts of me - they suck, and they will still suck tomorrow, and I will probably be struggling with them for a long time - I don't like these aspects of myself, and I don't have to like or accept them, so I won't. I can try to be kind to myself though, and to focus on other things in myself and my life, that are not these things I dislike. I guess it can be helpful. It's not always easy though (my brain is sure to "remind" me all the time and it's very annoying...), so I need to be really patient, too.

One other thing is seeing yourself as whole and worthy unconditionally. It's difficult when we're dealing with something that alienates us from others, from within, and makes us look off-putting from the outside (so it drives people away).

It's stopping the comparison games, too, because comparison does nothing but tank your self-esteem further and what for? Only you can live your own life, and that goes for other people and their own lives. One of the ways I achieved it was by "putting" others in my place, and seeing how much I thought they would thrive - if my life would be better if I weren't like this, then how would it be if they were like this? The fact that I'm surviving all this bullshit mostly unscathed should tell me something, huh? I'm really doing the best I can with what I have, and I'm pretty sure other people would break. This also helped me starting seeing myself with more gentle eyes, somehow.

I had to unlearn internalized ableism too. Fighting against my brain because I'm having symptoms never helped matters, nor trying to "look" and "act" "normal". Yeah, people will say/think a lot of nasty stuff about you, they won't like you. Or maybe not, but it's literally not your problem, and it doesn't define you. If you start paying attention, you'll realize that most people are casually ableist and make no big deal of those things. You're the one putting the effort to better things for yourself, and for others too. I found it was easier to distance myself from assholes when I started seeing them as such, and less as "role models".

I feel like when I started seeing myself separated from my struggles, as my own, whole person, who is worthy regardless; when I worked to unlearn and combat ableism; and when I stopped making comparisons, because I didn't want to see how much stuff sucks for me, and how everyone else had it (seemingly) together, it helped me to find and cultivate some self-worth that I couldn't do before... but of course, this depends on a lot of other factors out of your control, for example: you cannot heal where you've been hurt, that's very true. Sometimes you might need a complete change of scenario, change of people in your life and changes in general.

But change can look scary, and changing is hard and can be painful.

The bad things will most likely not go away, but it doesn't mean you're not a worthy, whole person. It doesn't mean suffering and pain is all that is to you, those are parts of you, but there's much, much more to you. And I think this is... hope, pure and simple hope. Nothing overly positive or optimistic, but a certain that there's more to life than misery.