#I'm far from the greatest sufferer in the world. i am well aware of that

[queenlucythevaliant]

Just to clarify my thoughts (since I've had a number of people ask me about it) re: Job and cursing God. There's a big difference between cursing God as used in Scripture and how we generally would think of cursing at God today.

Cursing someone, in the Bible, has a lot of depth to it. It's not just saying "screw you " in anger, it's got a sense of forsakenness to it. It's the opposite of a blessing, a removal of blessing. If the blessing is presence, your face shining on the person you're blessing, then a curse is absence. In some translations, Job's wife tells him to "renounce God and die," which I honestly think makes a lot more sense to modern ears.

Job says a lot of unpleasant things to and about God in his anger and grief. So do the Psalmists. A number of the Prophets. So can we. God can take it if we come to him with honest expressions of our emotion, including those not-so-nice ones directed at him. I don't think there's anything wrong with getting mad at God and saying, "How dare you, you bastard" when you suffer unjustly. You can say much worse, I think, without sinning, though I don't feel particularly inclined to give examples. But as long as it's an honest expression of your heart, I think you're doing exactly what prayer is for. You're presenting him your heart with an open hand. He can use that. Opposite of love is not hate but indifference, etc.

Job doesn't renounce God. Neither should we. But I think when you're truly suffering, you're gonna have those feelings toward God either way. He'd rather you address them with him directly than try to avoid them. Cursing at God in the modern sense is actually a great way to keep the relationship strong and not end up cursing/renouncing him in the Biblical sense.

[yellowocaballero]

re: utopia, one thing that i personally find funny is that a popular CN gacha game (damning words when it comes to taking me seriously, i know) just had an arc where the antagonist was a guy following Order that wanted to put everyone into a collective hallucination where everything would be perfect (obv without the opportunity to grow as a person Ever, but well, at least everyone is Satisfied), and him being a jesus figure that would suffer for everyone's sins and be aware of the dream/control it. (man i wonder if they had a naruto rerun while writing penacony)

i really liked it, but i did not anticipate that i'd get two cakes due to my favourite writer tackling similar themes (well they do be as old as time)!!!!1!!!1 and i think that you're really good at getting your point across — you once said that writing a fic is kinda like a dialogue with yourself to you, if i'm not mistaken —, and i always have to clear my glasses after reading your works because they get covered in dried little tear dots from my eyelashes, and what im saying is that im excited to do so again. it sounds stupid. thank you for sharing your work, im incredibly excited to see you unravel the narrative knot into heartstrings. yellowocaballero going to ascend to moirahood on national tv in 2035, keep your eyes peeled, everyone!

anyway sorry for blabbering so much i hope this didn't come across as comparing (though you'd be better obviously) i just crack up every time i think that you got around to writing naruto fic when that arc dropped. the timing is great. prophets of the new age receiving a beam of light telling us about personal growth and lifted jesus allegations. if i ever see you writing fic for honkai star rail or genshin or whatever it's going to be both too soon and the greatest thing i've ever read in that fandom. stay funny (not an obligation or a threat, you can be unfunny if you want, but i don't think the universe prepared for that opportunity. it'd flop into itself like a wet tissue)

Oh, literally I downloaded Star Rail because I was interested in some of the stuff I heard about it. Played it a little and never picked it back up again. I should, I'm just awful about phone games! Not ADHD enough. Maybe I can watch a playthrough...?

I love nice life parallelism. I do think the themes of "the bad guy wants everyone to be happy" is inherently kind of interesting, because it inherently raises a lot of questions - why is he a bad guy, if he wants to be good? What about his plan makes him a bad guy instead of a good guy? What delineates a bad and good guy, anyway? How did this guy get so turned around that he thought badness was good? If handled well, it's inherently a rich character. If badly, then it's just kind of nonsensical and goes against its own messaging.

The "well, the bad guy is right, but since he kills people about it that invalidates his own point" approach is always boring and conformist, but it can be surprisingly hard to shake. I don't think Obito, Madara, and the Ame 3 are 'bad guys who are right morally but with bad methods' - I think they're good people who are so deformed by their world that a hugely destructive evil scheme is the closest they know how to come to goodness. By that logic, Obito had to be written as...deformed. Very much so. But that was what made him so interesting to explore. How do you un-deform that? Is that even possible? When we put him on the good guy team, is he genuinely a good guy who overcame his warped nature, or is he just a warped person doing good guy things? FWIW, I think a big difference between the HSR character and Obito is that what Obito can't partake of this Eden because he thinks of himself as somebody who's far too late to save (also, isn't God/Jesus all about Free Will?)(Calvinists DNI).

I don't think this story gets too sad...it's just too nuts...but, of course, you have to feel sorry for Obito. He wants to change the system that ruined him, but as the evil created by that system he still can't fully see the very important thing that he's missing. We've seen him shy away from the thought already - if only a perfect world can create good people, how the hell do you explain Naruto? As the reader, we want him to be helped. We continue reading in the hope that he will be helped. Thanks for the ask, I really should find some way to consume HSR.

[cryptidsurveys]

Thursday, November 7th, 2024.

What's one simple pleasure(s) that you greatly enjoy? Waking up to a snow-covered landscape. Cuddling with my cats while cozy in bed. Eating a warm and delicious breakfast. What a nice morning. <3

What are you listening to? The furnace running and the sound of my typing.

Are you in a relationship? I'm not.

What is your opinion on abortion? I'm pro-choice.

Why do you think so many people get depressed these days? There are probably a lot of factors. There certainly were in my own life. Thankfully, I'm doing so much better now and would no longer consider myself depressed.

Last movie you saw in theaters: Wild Robot.

Your heart is beating faster than usual, whom are you standing next to? It would most likely beat that way due to anxiety, so maybe Alex, my sibling, or certain people from my past.

What was going through your mind during your last kiss? I no longer recall.

Why did your last relationship fail? I was deeply mentally ill and harbored a lot of unresolved trauma. I also just don't think we were as compatible as we wished we were.

Do you feel like screaming? Naw.

How are you in general? Pretty good. Looking forward to a relaxing day of housecleaning and baking.

Do you think the world would be a better place without humans? It would be less polluted and there wouldn't be any human-caused suffering, but nature - for all its beauty and abundance - is still an incredibly indifferent, destructive, and oftentimes grotesque force. Eliminating humanity from the equation wouldn't suddenly transform the Earth into a Garden of Eden.

Last dream you had: The first fragment involved the animal shelter. I don't remember much aside from tasks taking an incredibly long time and feeling like I was fumbling around without making much progress. The second dream mainly took place in something of a hospital setting. Reminded me of my eating disorder inpatient days. I was showing Nick (ex-partner) around to the various gaming/activity rooms. There was also a bit of initial estrangement and rekindled romance involved, but nothing too over the top. Mostly limited to hugging, so relatively PG.

What's your favorite drink? Water, coffee, and hot chocolate.

What's love to you? A deep feeling of trust, respect, understanding, etc. Which are also words that are difficult to define, lmao.

How is the weather today? Cloudy, snowy, and 30*F.

Are you in love? I'm not.

What was your favorite cartoon during childhood? I didn't have an absolute favorite, but I watched shows like Doug, Rugrats, Hey Arnold, Spongebob, Dragon Ball Z, Yu-Gi-Oh, etc.

Who is your best friend and why? Oliver.

What is your greatest fear? Losing my dad.

What is on your mind right now? Mostly animal shelter stuff and how to stay safely separate from some possible drama. I don't want a repeat of last time, so I'm going to have to set boundaries even if it upsets some people (or one person in particular - everyone else should be chill about it).

Do you have any addictions? Smoking.

Have you ever done drugs, if so, what? Yeah.

Do you enjoy watching Family Guy? I did when I was younger, but I doubt I would enjoy it now. It's just not my cup of tea.

What is it that you really want right now? No more migraines. It's the biggest missing puzzle piece in my life right now. Without them, I would have almost no reservations about applying to the animal shelter.

Are you deep? Well, I'm not shallow…but there are far deeper thinkers than me out there.

What is your opinion of God? Is he real? I choose to believe in God. But is God real, and what is God, actually? I have no idea.

Do you and your best friend have funny nicknames for one another? Not really.

Are you a parent? I'm not.

Who would you like to be for a day? Maybe a climber summiting Mount Everest. I am aware of all the issues and controversies surrounding it, but since we're talking impossible hypotheticals here…yeah.

Is there a member of the opposite sex that you can tell anything to? I can tell pretty much anything to my therapist.

What are some bands that you've seen live?

Who is your favorite person? My dad.

What is your favorite season? Autumn. The early days when the leaves are just beginning to change and there's only a whisper of a chill in the air. The middle days when the leaves are in full transformation and the nights are longer and cozier. And the later days when the trees are mostly barren, the cold and frost are constant companions, and the snow begins to fly.

If you would get the chance to relive your past, would you do differently? Like my whole life or just specific parts of it? Would I magically know then what I know now? It's just weird to imagine being a baby and possessing all of my current knowledge and experience…

How? There are all kinds of things I would do differently…or might never experience at all. I don't know how dramatic the "butterfly effect" would be, but at some point I would inevitably break with my original trajectory and wind up in unknown territory. Honestly, though, I would prefer to work with the life I have.

Do you know who Kurt Cobain is? Yeah.

What about Ben Moody? Yeah.

How is life for you? I would say it's mostly good. It has its challenging and painful aspects, but they're tolerable.

State something about yourself that no one knows? Hmm.

Do you have any pets? What are their names? I have three kitties named Esther, Karenna, and Lacy.

Last joke you heard, did you find it funny? Slightly.

What is your favorite recent memory? Hiking along the Carhart trail with my dad. Such a quintessential cloudy autumn day brimming with nostalgia.

Do you like to cuddle? Yesss.

What is the most important thing to you in life? My loved ones, my cats, volunteering, growing/healing, learning how to create and protect a sense of peace.

What is your favorite movie?

What's a song(s) you can relate to?

Have you heard of Postsecret? Yeah.

Whom do you look up to? My dad, staff at the animal shelter, my therapist, etc.

Where and with whom did your last hug take place? I think it was at Chili's. My mom and I hugged after we went out to eat.

Do you want children someday? No.

What would you name them?

If you could represent a sin, what would it be? Sloth or envy.

Do you enjoy horror movies? Yeah.

Do you believe in ghosts? I'm not sure. Even though I'm fascinated by the paranormal, I sure am something of a skeptic.

Would you ever go bungee jumping? Maybe if the opportunity presented itself, but it's not something I would seek out.

If you had 13 million dollars, what would you do with it? Probably just save it and use it as necessary. I can't see myself changing my lifestyle very much.

Are you waiting for someone to message or text you? I just checked my text messages and saw one from Iris (manager). She asked if I was coming in today/couldn't remember my usual days. I told her my schedule and said I would be happy to come in if needed, so now I'm just waiting for a text back.

Do you tend to hide your true self? Yeah.

Do you have a lot of friends? Just one best friend.

What's the last time you laughed really hard? A few weeks ago.

Are you looking forward to anything? Yes.

[hot-lesbian-knight]

Man where to start.

The locked tomb series by Tamsyn Muir occupies a very special place in my heart and it certainly changed me, I'm much more comfortable being my beautiful butch self now than to Gideon Nav and Pyrrha Dve, and they generally rewired my brain a bunch both in a 'I am not the same' way and a it has made me better at reading and analysis way.

Changed my life but I don't know if I would consider it a classic, maybe once it's finished.

The Song of the Lioness series by Tamora Pierce was hugely influential to me and I would not be as obsessed with knights nearly as much as I am without having grown up reading about the lady knight, Sir Alanna of Trebond.

Significantly changed my life and is unquestionably a classic.

Technically it was written by a man and a woman together but This is How You Lose the Time War fully rewired my nervous system, tore my heart out, crushed it into a fine pink mist and then inhaled it. Some of the most beautiful prose I've ever read telling a heartachingly bittersweet love story. I recommend it to literally everyone I meet.

Changed my life and it should absolutely be a classic.

A Closed and Common Orbit by Becky Chambers has a phenomenal vibe and Sidra's experience with her body is such a viscerally familiar one as a trans person that I struggled to put into words. It's also just a vibrant world and a really positive and sweet story without veering so far into Saccharine territory.

Didn't necessarily change me but should definitely be a classic.

And finally, the complete works of Lois McMaster Bujold.

God how do I even start to talk about Bujold. She's so incredibly talented and her worlds and characters manage to step off the page to feel so real and alive in a way I have rarely experienced, most stories I am always vaguely aware that the characters are fictional tools of the author to move the story forward but Bujold is able to make me forget about that and just believe that they are living and breathing people living in complex and chaotic worlds much like real life. Her grip of pacing always sucks me in and pulls me along at just the right speed. She has become easily one of my favorite authors over the last few years.

Her book Paladin of Souls, which is an incredible name, takes place in her fantasy setting The World of the Five Gods which has a really fascinating world I just wanna dig into and explore, and the book itself is an amazing story about aging, life, and how you can and must take control of your own life or others will do it for you. It's genuinely such an excellent book and I highly recommend both it and Curse of Challion which takes place three years before Paladin of Souls.

That said the piece of Bujold's work that has had the greatest impact on me as a person is absolutely The Vorkosigan Saga. Its a Speculative Sci-fi setting where most of the books follow Miles Vorkosigan, a a member of the nobility on Barrayar. Miles is this manic little git who would be absolutely insufferable as a protagonist in the hands of any other writer yet managed to be incredibly charming and likable thanks to Bujolds mastery of the craft. Miles is physically disabled, having suffered birth defects that left him incredibly short, with brittle bones. However he's incredibly smart and insightful and is very very good at maintaining forward momentum where he just kinda keeps running as the narrative of each adventure builds up like a snowball rolling down hill with miles sprinting as fast as he can to keep up and avoid being crushed. He's such a fun and interesting character to watch grow up across the books(we see him go from a 17 year old wannabe military man desperate to make his father proud with a chip on his shoulder so big it could sink the titanic to a well rounded matured father himself over the series).

While the whole Vorkosigan Saga is excellent and has some amazing Spec-Fic concepts build explores(I could write a 100k word essay on the Uterine Replicators and the way they serve as a metaphor for bodily autonomy) the moment that has impacted me most from her work is one of the later books, Memory.

When I say that Memory completely changed my outlook on and approach to life I mean it. There's a passage from it that is forever burned into my mind because of how succinctly it distills a fundamental truth, delivered to Miles the protagonist when he is feeling utterly lost and adrift due to his life collapsing spectacularly:

“You go on. You just go on. There’s nothing more to it, and there’s no trick to make it easier. You just go on.”

“What do you find on the other side? When you go on?”

She shrugged. “Your life again. What else?”

“Is that a promise?”

She picked up a pebble, fingered it, and tossed it into the water. The moon-lines bloomed and danced. “It’s an inevitability. No trick. No choice. You just go on.”

The idea of "You just go on" has changed my outlook on life, much like Waymond in Everything Everywhere All At Once choosing joy and kindness, and I am a far better person for that change.

Also Cryoburn, what is likely the second to last book in the Vorkosigan Saga since bujold has said she doesn't feel like returning to the world, made me fully dissociate for a day and then finally call my dad to tell him I loved him through sobs. It's an average Miles Vorkosigan adventure through 99% of the book, but with the weight of the whole series behind it the ending very neatly hollows you out and leaves you an empty husk with just the last three words and a 500 word epilogue.

Anyway. All that to say, you should read some of Bujolds work. Changed me Profoundly and I believe it is a travesty and tragedy that she is not held in the same regard as authors like Pratchett and Le Guin

What's a book written by a woman that changed your life or that you consider a classic? Any genre, any language.

[yr-obedt-cicero]

Why do people say Hamilton was bi-polar?

TW: discussion of depression, mental illnesses, manic depression, depressive episodes, etc.

I am not anywhere near a mental health professionalist in any shape or form, this is simply my research provided as to why I am making a theory. So with that being said, we will probably never know for sure what exactly Hamilton may have been suffering with. As trying to diagnose dead men from two hundred years ago is near impossible, especially with 18th century standards of how they dealt with mental health (Which was usually to just not deal with it at all). Hamilton never had a good track record for his mental health. He experienced many traumatic events since he was but a child in the Caribbean, so looking into Hamilton's life, it comes as no surprise when you start to realize he wasn't mentally stable.

-

Hamilton was born a illegitimate son between his biological parents, James Hamilton and Rachel Faucette. This would already put a chain around his ankle and keep him dragged down by what he was born as, or at least what society saw him as; a nobody with no future. As being a bastard wasn't a kind title to have back then, and it would affect him throughout all of his life by political rivals, and just society itself. He would bury this part of his identity deep within. And his father leaving him, his brother, and mother behind in 1765. And then in 1768, when his mother would die besides him in bed. Soon after in 1769, his cousin, Peter Lytton, whom was caring for him and his brother, committed suicide. As the brothers would soon separate thereafter. In late 1772, a hurricane would tarnish his hometown island, leaving little left as well as hope.

Fast forward a few years and the Revolutionary War has spurred, Alexander Hamilton is aide de camp to General George Washington, stuck behind a desk as his hope for a military career to bless him a known name dwindles as war carries on without him. And then losing his lover and greatest friend from the war, John Laurens. But as time passes on, Hamilton was not a very liked man, and had many political rivals who sought-after the demise of his career. And then in 1802, his eldest son, Philip Hamilton, would fatally die in a duel against George Eacker, that Hamilton blamed himself for and would fall into a deep pit of depression afterwards. Not to mention his eldest daughters, Angelica Hamilton's, degrading mental health in the aftermath of her brother's death. Hamilton's depression would only worsen after the death of Washington.

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Depression

Depression plagued Hamilton much throughout his whole life. Many historians have noticed a type of maniac depression to his character. Example, famously known biographer, Ron Chernow, even called Hamilton "prey to depression". As far as I'm aware, only one biographer made the suggestion to Hamilton being bipolar, but many take it as the factual diagnosis for Hamilton's odd behavior patterns. Hamilton fell down rabbit holes of misery and dejection. He would have fits of depressive episodes, usually when something had tempted such emotions. He even once wrote to his lover, and greatest friend, John Laurens, of hating nearly everyone and everything in a fit of a despondency;

“I am chagrined and unhappy but I submit. In short Laurens I am disgusted with every thing in this world but yourself and very few more honest fellows and I have no other wish than as soon as possible to make a brilliant exit. ’Tis a weakness; but I feel I am not fit for this terrestreal Country.”

(source)

We all know Hamilton as the founding father who wrote nonstop, but often Hamilton would go near pitch silent with his quill when he was in one of his depressions. For example, he wrote but only two (1. 2.) sentences in regards to Laurens' death. Which may seem purely insensitive to many, but it is more telling that Hamilton, the writing fanatic, hadn't wrote paragraphs of his sentiments. Hamilton would usually lock himself away, before then locking away his emotions and never looking back. As he couldn't bring himself to write on many traumatic subjects, for it was just too painful to bare. We see this pattern again, when Hamilton's eldest son, Philip Hamilton, died. Hamilton was very fond of his son, claiming him to be his "highest hope". So when nineteen year old Philip met his grave earlier in a duel against George Eacker, that Hamilton himself had advised he aim for the sky for, he fell into one of his darkest times. With the delay between condolence letters and the replies, it implies Hamilton had been greiving and unable to write back for several months at most. Until Hamilton would eventually have to move uptown to get away from the haunting memories of the city.

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Impulsivity/recklessness

But aside from depressional habits, Hamilton also had quite the tendency to be rash, reckless, and quick to anger, or hotheaded. He showed much recklessness throughout the war, Hercules Mulligan once recalled a raid, when everyone else had ducked for cover, Hamilton ran straight into an artillery bombardment to retrieve his gun. Or at Yorktown, now with a battlefield command, he paraded his troops in front of British cannons. Needless to say, Hamilton showed such little regard for his own life, being too caught up in the spirit of his emotional and rash decision making.

While many praise Hamilton for his outstanding work ethic, it can be argued that Hamilton's focus and pace bordered on excessive at periods. He wrote 51 essays for the federalist papers in the span of six months, made a 6 hour long speech at the Constitutional convention, and even help write the Constitution. One biographer apparently describing Hamilton, during this period, as "restless and depressed," and another "like he was on something."

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Temperamental

Hamilton also could be quite snappish and rude rather impulsively, as part of his fragile temperament and high esteem. His snappy correspondence with McHenry after the war is a great example, but also many others; such as the time Hamilton had temporarily, and impetuously, quit the army in spite of General Washington after a petty argument between the two. Washington had beckoned Hamilton to his office, and Hamilton promised to return after tending to other duties. Though after running into the Marquis De Lafayette, Hamilton stopped to discuss with his friend. Yet, upon his return, he instead welcomed by a furious Washington, as he recalls so in a letter to his father in law, Philip Schuyler;

“Instead of finding the General as usual in his room, I met him at the head of the stairs, where accosting me in a very angry tone, "Col Hamilton (said he), you have kept me waiting at the head of the stairs these ten minutes. I must tell you Sir you treat me with disrespect." I replied without petulancy, but with decision "I am not conscious of it Sir, but since you have thought it necessary to tell me so we must part" "Very well Sir, if it be your choice" or something to this effect and we separated.”

(source)

-

Now let's go over the common symptoms of bipolar;

Mood: mood swings, sadness, elevated mood, anger, anxiety, apathy, apprehension, euphoria, general discontent, guilt, hopelessness, loss of interest, or loss of interest or pleasure in activities

Behavioral: irritability, risk taking behaviors, disorganized behavior, aggression, agitation, crying, excess desire for sex, hyperactivity, impulsivity, restlessness, or self-harm

Cognitive: unwanted thoughts, delusion, lack of concentration, racing thoughts, slowness in activity, or false belief of superiority

Psychological: depression, manic episode, agitated depression, or paranoia

Weight: weight gain or weight loss

Sleep: difficulty falling asleep or excess sleepiness

Many of these sound like our Hamilton, like manic episodes, depression, agitated depression, impulsivity, aggression, excess desire for sex, etc. So as much as we will never know for sure what had been going on in Hamilton's mind, or if he ever did truly have a bipolar disorder; there is notable behavior issues that have made some similarities. If not a bipolar disorder, it is safe to say Hamilton as least suffered from some type of manic depression.

[mcors]

A Sickle Cell Child

by Hertz Nazaire

Just coming back from the 46th Annual National Convention for the Sickle Cell Disease Association of America, Inc. (SCDAA).

On Friday, October 12, from 1:30 pm – 3:00 pm for the Lonzie Lee Jones Patient Advocacy Symposium. We played an educational version of Hollywood Squares, everyone was having a good time happy, laughing, and smiling. 

We all know how heavy the Sickle Cell topic can be for all of us touched by this pain.

A fellow Warrior in the audience stood up at the end and gave us all a shock to the system.

A reminder that this pain runs very deep and everyone is trying very hard to find a way to erase it from existence. 

What she had to say comes from a line of talk, that we hear often. How to stop a child with Sickle Cell Disease from ever being born. Many people push hard for couples to get tested and knowing their status. But some people feel strongly that none of us who have the Sickle Trait or Disease should ever have sex and hells no on having a child.

So sitting there on stage with a group of successful adults and young people who have been standing against this pain all of their lives and still finding their gifts through hard effort. I felt drained.

I spoke out loud, not to reply to the beautiful young lady saying these things, but to myself.

I needed to remind myself, that no matter how depressed I get in this life, no matter the hardships I face, I still want to live. I still want to exist. I still have my art to create.

I am really tired of people thinking they have a right to erase my mother's choice. One of the very few things I know about my mother is the fact that she told me that my father wanted her to have an abortion when she got pregnant with me. My mother made a different choice. And I exist in this world because of that choice. A sperm cell is nothing without an egg, and an egg is nothing without that sperm cell but although it take the two. This is a choice that I feel only a woman can make because her body has to carry that life forward, while most men can simply walk away like my father did, like my step-father did.

I had a chance to be a father once. On September 11, 2001. I made love to my girlfriend and we had the chance to bring a life into this world. The thing is, I was not even thinking about her Sickle Cell Trait status. I never really had a chance to think about it, not in this world. Mental Health had more to do with why a choice was made and I never became a father. 

I blame myself even now, that I was not strong enough to guide her through her sadness and tears about the pregnancy. I was still there with her although I wanted to run, I was at that Planned Parenthood office in that waiting room watching 12 year olds making the same choices adults should only make. I was 28 and I thought we could have made a different choice together.

I still feel that this was my greatest failure as a man, I wish I had more money, it is always about MONEY! I loved this girl but honestly in the end I see like most women who enter my life it was about the sex and how long my priapism fueled penis lasted.

I try to give myself some slack, because you have to understand being a male with Sickle Cell is HARD! You have to try so much harder to get a girl to notice you. We try HARD to please the women who enter our lives. I was always the sucker who wrote the love poetry, and got the roses delivered without the need for a holiday. I was a painter so most women I've been around long enough have a portrait I painted to show them they were on my mind.

When you live with Sickle Cell Pain and this pain only has one thing to show you about living in your body. It HURTS! It hurts badly! Then you discover sex and become driven to turn it into an art. I had a long distance girlfriend who called me "Voodoo Dick" she would drive the 5 hours it took to get into my bed when she had time off from work. 

I was young and still pretty stupid and we would have these marathon sex sessions, and because of my Sickle Cell and Priapism, we once went at it for over 8 hours only stoping for short breaks of water. 

Priapism is the worst kind of Sickle Pain a man can have, it takes everything from you mentally.

It crushes you and it can take away your ability to even feel like a man. Sometimes for me these erections came without the pain, I don't know why but I was always grateful because the pain was never a pleasure. At the time I was young and sex was just one of those challenges I had to work harder at than any other male.

Everything in my life takes a huge amount of effort, I have been in love many times. I have also been deeply alone for the past 12 years. Because I love women way too much but I can't be stupid about my efforts any longer. I am still a very sexual creature inside and any woman who enters my life would need to know that about me. Even at 45, my heart may not survive some of the things I did at 25 but I am very intense about all I do. My sexuality is still very intense and focused on art creation. Anything you can't put all your effort into is just not worth doing for me.

Women have told me in the past that I am too intense, intimidating, or feel they have to walk on egg shells around me. I take them at their word that I am that type of man. I don't enjoy stress, I have been hospitalized enough times over needless drama. Fighting for your life in an ICU just because someone does not understand that picking a fight just to stress you out is not a healthy way to show love.

I've been abused enough in my life, I don't want to be an abuser when all I want is someone to love and share my days with me. Not all my days will be pain free. Nothing in my life is painless, I am surrounded by eggshells so you'll need to learn how to walk on a minefield. I don't avoid something because it's hard. I want to use my energy and effort in the best and most efficient way possible. 

We are all going to die someday none of us is immune from Death is is our fate. But we have to learn to respect that all lives should have that chance to exist and go through that process we call Life.

Having to hear that someone's purpose in life is to find the most efficient way to make sure others with my genetic make up no longer exists in this world is deeply hurtful to me. I understand the problem life with Sickle Cell is really hard, I know this, I'm living that life.

I just don't understand your rejection of the efforts it took for me to still be here standing in the same space and breathing the same air you breathe. 

Spend all the effort you want on Sickle Cell Trait education to avoid more lives of hardship like mines. My personal feelings are your efforts are misguided.  The answer is not how to wipe us out of existence so you can get rid of a pain disease that is hard for you to look at. A life is a life. 

My life is providing this world with a challenge I understand that, but I have no choice but to live this life and fight for my own existence. I want to survive because my brain has the awareness that my life matters even when it is painful to live that life. It still matters that I am here. I understand I am not the best man or mate for anyone to fall in love with.

But instead of trying to get rid of people like me, should the effort not be on how to make my life better? How to end my painful moments, how to help me carry out my purpose?

If I was born brain-dead I would not want to be here, I would not even be aware that I wanted to live or even what the concept of life means. My brain is aware that I exist. Most of my body still functions well enough for a decent life. In fact I know I am having a far better life than most who never have to face the challenges of Sickle Cell Disease. Many are born into terrible conditions of existence surrounded by war, hatred, and deep poverty. A suffering that no human should go through. Yet no one is staying let's educate the world about stoping these people from being born into these conditions. No they recognize that the condition is the problem not the life living it. The condition should be the focus. 

We are buying into an idea where we are saying these people should not have been born. I know some in this world think I should never have been born because I am Black. Simple as that! Now we are giving them the excuse of Sickle Cell Disease to wipe us out? Because Sickle Cell is Hard? Hard on who? On them?

Educate people to make their choices all you want. I have spoken to a few mothers who had to make that choice when they found out they were pregnant and found out both the man and woman have the sickle cell trait. They wanted to know about my life so far.  I told them of all my hardships and challenges. And they made a choice based on my experience. 

Yet my challenges, all came from the fact I only knew my mother for about 5 years of my life.  She died when I was 13 and I did not start to live with her until I was about 8. Educate these people with compassion, do not teach them that there is only one acceptable choice or one moral choice based on your life experience. Not everyone is ready to be a parent, and not everyone should be a parent regardless if Sickle Cell plays a role in that choice.