#I'm definitely the kind of person who requires a lot of emotional build up to get anywhere yknow | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rebornologist · 4 months

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Hello I'm here for the Tea Prompts as well because I didn't know about these and reading them, I wanted more from you about our resident grumpy but mellowed cat Xanxus. May I ask for matcha tea; chai tea; hibiscus tea please? And if it's not too much trouble please english breakfast tea on the side. Thank you so much and I loved how you thought about the character. I love it when writers understand the character.

Thank you for the high praises! I really try because I adore these morally grey (honestly, terrible people) little freaks in the KHRverse and want to think of them in a multidimensional way without watering down the complexity of their character building.

♡ Xanxus + proposals, spice, fav places, family

୨୧ ⁺˳₊ matcha tea; how and when do they propose to their s/o?

✧ He doesn’t. At least, not properly. Marriage would have to be something that his s/o insists on, and he would have his mental gymnastics cut out for him in weighing the emotional costs and benefits of compromising with that request. He’s more likely to hear the suggestion to get married, not even respond, and leave them wondering if he was even listening to what they were saying. He was, for the record. He’s just taking some time to let the thoughts simmer, instead of chewing them out over bringing such an idea to the table.

Being legally tied together means absolutely nothing to this man, and the thought of it stresses him out due to his attachment wounds. He cares about them, admittedly, despite everything. Despite himself, and as much as he wants to bury those feelings.

He would begrudgingly accept any well thought out, private, intimate, [insert more synonyms for lowkey] proposal, and granted his s/o does the bulk of the wedding planning. He’s kind of babygirl for that.

୨୧ ⁺˳₊ chai tea; how do they spice up their relationship?

✧ His relationships are inherently pretty spicy (in the traditional and nontraditional sense) because he’s a mercurial man. He’s not great for anyone who doesn’t do well with reactivity. His moods can be all over the place, and that’s likely what is spicy enough for him and his relationships.

I’ve said before that his s/o is often the one to propose they do anything new, and a lot of him complying with their requests is because it pleases them (and him). He doesn’t often go out of his way to please them, but he also prides himself in keeping his s/o happy and is more easily swayed to push his comfort zones if they drive a hard bargain.

୨୧ ⁺˳₊ hibiscus tea; what’s their favourite place to take their s/o?

✧ He is not particularly adventurous in general, and while his s/o may frequent a specific spot, it would be only once in every ten visits that you’ll find Xanxus with them. He doesn’t mix well with the general public, if I’m so honest. He’s a man with a huge, intimidating, attention-drawing aura about him, and he’s easily ticked off.

No matter how good your customer service skills are, it’s unlikely that Xanxus will be pleased enough to leave a 5-star review of your cafe. He prefers spaces that require less petty social interaction. His favourite place is definitely his personal room(s) in the mansion. He unexpectedly fares well in a large dim bookstore or fancy library, granted he is just going to plop down onto the big sofa and take a nap in hopes that no one bothers him. Everyone has to be extra careful to not set him off in that space though, because that is one flammable enclosed space.

୨୧ ⁺˳₊ english breakfast tea; would they want a family?

✧ In a sense, he has a family whether he likes it or not, though not by blood. He has his assassin team, the Vongola as a whole, and of course, his baby boy Bester.

He’s surprisingly sweet with Bester, though the liger does have a similar temper like his handler. Bester is really only super soft and tolerant with Xanxus’s partner(s), and that totally annoys him, kind of like when your cat likes the s/o more than it likes the actual owner. It might be because they spoil Bester with extra treats, and they end up being the good cop to Xanxus’s bad cop in the parenting dynamic.

Anyway, I can’t imagine Xanxus wanting to have kids, aside from to feed his ego and to follow his blood family’s traditional customs and values. He doesn’t have the emotional capacity to support and raise a child healthily and is reluctant to replicate the trauma that he experienced in his upbringing.

#khr #hitman reborn #katekyo hitman reborn #khr headcanons #xanxus #xanxus varia #xanxus khr

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eccentric-nucleus · 6 months

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covid stuff

the last several years have really done a number on my emotional wellbeing. like i would have already said on the whole i tend to be a fairly unhappy person but it's definitely gotten substantially worse with covid. basically every time i go out there are these waves of sadness and anger that just kinda wash over me continually. it's not great.

i don't really like being around people. when i was a kid i got yelled at a lot for, like, not wanting to go to the babysitter's, not wanting to spend time around other people, not really wanting to be in any kind of position where i could be observed by other people. there was a lot of, you know, "listen everybody has to deal with other people sometimes, and part of existing in society is not making things an enormous hassle for other people". yeah yeah plenty of stuff makes you miserable but it is genuinely not the responsibility of other people to restructure their whole lives around whatever upsets you; sometimes you have to just suck it up and deal for the overall good of, like, society. sure. it feels like i am constantly tolerating a lot of things for the good of society

and then covid hits, and it becomes clear that nobody really meant that, not really. i learned the lesson wrong and thought the point was 'for the good of society' and not 'people should never be expected to restructure their lives'. oh, right, it was always about normality all along. if keeping things normal requires hassling some introverted kid, then we gotta hassle that kid. if keeping things normal requires millions dying and who-know how many getting serious, still-unknown long-term medical issues from a plague, well, that's just a cost we'll have to pay. i'm kind of furious every single time i go into a building and i see nobody wearing masks. it's the smallest fucking thing but this vast confluence of habit and pressure means that oh i guess even that was too much to ask.

like a little personal information, i guess: literally every single time i have gone outside in the past four years i have been wearing a mask. it's been annoying! i got pressure bruises on my nose several times! i'm really lucky i don't actually have some job that requires me to interact with people for 8 hours of the day, b/c then i'd have to have figured out something that doesn't wear away at the flesh of my nose longterm. wearing a mask kinda sucks, actually. it's still such a small fucking thing to do and it has such a well-documented impact on transmission rates

it's not like covid went away! covid is going to be around for the rest of human history! waves will come and waves will go, and it's still mutating furiously, & all we can really hope for at this point is that at some point, uh, probably in the next hundred years, it spreads to a form that doesn't give people organ damage. another huge scientific breakthrough that manages to kill off the common cold would be okay too, i guess.

just... seeing all of society go laser-focused on pretending things are fine and nobody needs to go out of their way to mitigate risk or accomodate other people just seems deeply and utterly grotesque. a profound and utter abandonment of any sense of morals or ethics, just to keep things Normal.

so yeah covid on the whole has made me a much more unhappy person. i go through this whole train of thought basically every single time i step outside, which is probably unhealthy. but that's how it is

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firespirited · 4 months

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I've been sick with some sort of fluey thing that sets off migraines all week. Did manage to meet the therapist: she's fantastic, no nonsense, up to date science, specializes in autism in women and trauma from interpersonal abuse. Unfortunately I'm going to need that therapist more than ever.

Mum had no intention of doing group therapy, has no interest in fixing our relationship, she's got this idea that it would somehow be taking sides even though she regularly has long whispered conversations with me about how to deal with a situation with sis. I also really upset her by describing dad as having cluster B personality disorders that made him cruel, she read the first sentence of my psych homework and decided she was out.

Because in her mind cruelty requires intent and dad was just being pre-emptively nasty because he'd had a paranoia where he felt we'd been mean. She's retconned him as bpd??? He didn't get paranoias until I was nearly 20. He wasn't borderline, he was a bully. It was calculated and calm not often spontaneous. He had just as many calm collected bouts of psychological violence as he did rages. And oh odd thing right? he never damaged a relationship with a man or employer even if he resented them privately. He never ever once implied he was suicidal to anyone else when that was his go to move. He had depressions and manias, he was rapid cycling. He also managed to keep the damage to his immediate family (except for that school incident) and constantly quitting jobs. There are times when the cluster B was the real issue and other times when he was just selfish and enjoyed his power over others. I know that's an awful thing to say but I've known a lot of cluster B folks who are trying to not break everything and I knew dad well: he blurred the lines between deliberate long term choices and his pathology. His hostility towards my and mum's existence as ill people was obvious to my doctor and every carer we had. My sister's cptsd is mostly from the damage he did with gossip and how she made herself compliant at home.

I can't say this to mum she's in rose tinted glasses mode about dad. The psych definitely noticed when she said some really weird hurtful stuff to me. I did get very serious that she was not to talk about dad around sis. To not even think about it because it could reset her entire recovery.

I have spent the past 25 days neck deep in bpd type cptsd symptoms, learning every trigger point and rebuilding a relationship with sis where she has no idea that I'm just not sharing secrets and fears. I'm still her rock. She's just not my anchor anymore. We're actually doing pretty well now. I can trace the intense anxieties back to last may when she brought a stray dog home and began obsessing about adopting a cat (she's allergic). I can perform the correct emotions on cue instead of relying on just words. Every time she loses trust I reassure and rebuild. She's been able to open up about what she couldn't stand about 'us' (it's not us, she needs a fully quiet space not just a bedroom in a busy flat) etc.

It's sad because every worst fear I outlined in the psych homework came true over the past few days. I have to hope it's some kind of stress phase. Maybe she's got the same flu thing as me and it's making her feel vulnerable and cranky.

There are very good odds she was super spooked at the idea of therapy, goodness knows she doesn't like talking about feelings. The idea that she might one day have to explain her wild family to someone else terrifies her.

Now that I know she's not ok, I need to keep my distance for a while and build myself up so I can handle sis' next crisis alone.

#saf #personal

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astxrwar · 10 months

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i care about quentin beck so much please keep telling us about your thoughts and ideas. i am so totally not normal about him, he just has so much potential!! i adored your third chapter of ties that bind, i love the way you write him and you have such a way with words. its just very well done and im so glad there’s at least one other person on this planet who thinks about him <3

AHHHH THANK U ILY we can be deranged about him together <3

rn i'm working on chapter 4 (which is already at fucking 7k! that's not even counting the like 4k+ miscellaneous stuff I already have written that will go in later chapters!!! im on such a writing bender rn it's insane)

manic brain puke (SO MUCH OF IT. SORRY!!! i have the normal amount of thoughts.jpeg) about the details below the cut if you're interested

buttt basically premise is there are a few scenes covering from like december to about march, next semester stuff, etc, some Plot Details (for once! lmao) about trying to figure out PhD stuff that will be Relevant later on and then when you have to stay late again in like. march. right before spring break when banner's off at a conference in toronto for two days you end up forgetting your apartment keys in his office so they're like. locked in there until he gets back. anyway basically all alternative plans end up not working out and you end up just going with quentin to his apartment which you both are sure (well HE is sure, you're less sure than you are Determined lmao. you are both fucking Wrong) will change things exactly Zero Percent.

(spoilers. it does actually change things a non-zero-percent. are you,,, perhaps,,, friends now??? unthinkable)

anyway my thoughts are basically 1. atp you guys finally exchange phone numbers 2. you both realize actually hooking up in somebody's apartment (either of yours) is way better than hooking up on the sly in the bio building and then 3. your hot water boiler goes out in may and you end up there AGAIN for like a WEEK and stuff changes MORE and then 4. there starts to be some light angst and like. non-platonic feelings on both ends. shit starts to get messy because you start thinking about doing your dissertation in stark's lab and quentin is like. "absolutely fucking not and no I won't explain why <3" because of course they have beef.

quentin did his postdoc under tony in this au lol. he hates him because tony fucked up a patent for something quentin invented during the postdoc and it lost him a lot of money; obviously tony is stupid fucking rich (he owns and funds an entire university! insanely rich) but quentin is Not so it like. kind of irreparably broke their relationship. tony feels Bad and that's why 1. quentin is tenured despite being technically too young and gets paid a stupid amount for academia; like at least 100k. 2. he's not required to take on undergraduate researchers in his lab (a hassle, requires lots of teaching, usually a requirement for academic research) and 3. doesn't technically have to take on PhD students either. but he does not really tell you any of this explicitly, the details kind of just come together over time, and he definitely does not say why the thought of you joining stark's lab has him being like "absolutely fucking not lmao". a big part of it is that quentin is like... aware that tony just kind of Collects smart people (like him, bruce banner, basically the entire staff + his PhD students and postdocs) and in quentin's stupid little emotionally stunted baby brain he's like "he can't have this one!!!! this one is mine,,, >:((" and does he communicate this at all? no! mans is pathologically allergic to normal emotional availability sldkfsd

so despite historically avoiding taking on PhD researchers he's like. I will let you do your work in my lab if you don't go join stark's lab. But then the issue becomes like... dude you can't be my PhD advisor, we're fucking. that's not allowed. even just fucking your PI (lab manager basically) is a massive no-no and if it got out it would bring into question the reliability of literally all of your research (the fact aside that Quentin would never lie about science for anything. even for love. fuck that shit the way that he cares about people is by absolutely tearing their work to pieces not by pretending bad science is good. literally why he bothers you all the fucking time That's How He Cares It's Incredibly Dysfunctional but i digress) but i'm imagining that it's not really explicitly outlawed in the official code of ethics because it's tony stark's university lmao. He Is A Whore i'm sure he's fucked a lot of his PhD students/postdocs/etc. (Im thinking of having quentin and tony maybe have a past history when he did his postdoc. bisexual quentin supremacy. but also because it adds another layer to the whole "i do not want you to be around him At All" because he knows that tony is functionally incapable of having normal relationships with students. it's the ways that they are very similar but also very different etc etc) basically it becomes a whole deeply emotionally fraught Mess. bruce banner agrees to still be your PhD advisor despite you not doing work in his lab which is uncommon but not unheard of, but it's still like. either you and Quentin need to Stop Fucking or you need to agree that you're never going to have a bad breakup (I say this as if it's even a mutually agreed upon relationship and not just two morons incapable of admitting they care about each other) because it would absolutely ruin both your careers. angst(TM)

I probably will not make it an unhappy ending because I hate those. I have no idea how I'm going to end it though tbh

#THANK U FOR INDULGING ME LSDLSJFJSDLFJSF #ask #ties that bind meta #THIS GOT REALLY LONG SORRY I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS

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seldaryne · 8 months

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somewhere in the back of my mind i'm piecing together conversational fragments that must have happened post-cazador fight & post-orin fight (+ all that came immediately after) respectively. i don't think it'd be untouched until post-game, but probably would take place closer to the final fight. something something the calm before the storm, insomnia-induced contemplation, etcetera.

i'm not 100% sure on the tone of everyone's emotions yet. what i do know for sure is that when astarion asks velrith if she would have fought him the same way she did cazador (he's seen what she can do & knows there would probably be a decent chance of her success, which is like. at the very least a mildly frightening thought lmao), she's going to answer him truthfully.

yes, she would have, no hesitation whatsoever. & he kind of figured that would be the case, but also wants to know why. it's in the past, he's definitely not going to go out of his way to set up a new version of the ritual for himself so it's all conjecture anyway, but there's enough curiosity to justify it.

& she was still pretty removed from everything at that point, so it wasn't completely impossible to imagine her stepping back to just allow it either. it's not exactly like there's a blueprint for what the average person would do in the same situation, especially when he wasn't objectively incorrect about that type of power providing safety.

there was a case either way, but even she was pretty sure it was logically wrong to let 7000 people die for that from a moral standpoint. alexithymia aside, that's pretty obvious. she's still not even sure that 7000 spawn would be as dangerous as an ascended vampire, & would probably point out that statistically speaking, a decent number of them will probably end up destroyed before they become a threat. letting anyone ascend just seemed like an objectively worse path across the board, and while she might have a memory of mostly holes & miss out on a number of social norms, she isn't stupid by any stretch.

there's also the issue of her oath. he gets it as far as knowing it's extremely important to her & she essentially wouldn't be who she is now, but he'll probably never get it past that. in the timeline where she was personally in favour of ascension but still valued her oath, she would have made herself follow it. one of them was not going to survive that encounter, simple as that. which isn't a pleasant truth to hear, but he knows that she's definitely not lying either.

she loves him in her own way, as intensely as she knows how (which is actually quite a lot, but is very much something that requires you to know what you're looking for to actually see it), but that promise she made to an ideal, that single idea that she was able to re-build an entire identity around was going to hold more weight in that situation. there would have been no justifying it if she let him go on, no way she could crawl her way out of oathbreaking a second time (to say nothing of how badly it broke her when she made the mistake that led to the first incident).

she didn't even remember her own name after orin tried to cave her skull in & left her for dead, but she sure remembered the oath she swore before bhaal upended her life. to her, that means something. fighting him would have been terrible, yes, but it would also have been a familiar flavour of tragedy & not the same hefty blow to her sense of being. she would unhappily survive after that, probably alone by choice, but alive. self-betrayal wouldn't see the same ending.

& i don't see him exactly feeling comforted by this, because it's a lot to unpack, but he also wouldn't have bothered to ask if he wasn't able to digest the truth either (she's also historically a really, really bad liar & there would be no question if she was actually lying. it's actually embarrassing to watch her try).

the dedication makes so much sense, though. after the night she'd completely lost control, the only thing that really gave her anything resembling solace was the promise that there would be someone to end her if there was no chance she'd return to her senses. not platitudes, not gentleness, but the knowledge that someone would be willing & able to destroy her before someone else got hurt. (admittedly, that interaction left him feeling a bit weird in an inarticulate sort of way.)

& another thing--if they're having this conversation, she's also managed to piece together the memory of when she decided to pursue her oath, & more importantly, why.

rejecting bhaal had given her a notable change in her overall demeanour & energy, but absolutely nothing drastic. it doesn't destroy the typical disconnection she has with the majority of the world or the feeling of viewing everything from the other side of a glass barrier. that otherness in knowing there was something missing by the standards of her peers led her to value her body as a tool early on. so what if you can't make conversation without seeing the other person struggle not to visibly recoil? so what if you can't feel happy in a way that doesn't feel false? devotion to an ideal meant she would still meet a standard of goodness, could still serve a function & if she did it well enough, other shortcomings could be overlooked entirely. certain things were beyond her reach, but being useful and functional wasn't.

(even that was ripped away, and she learned that no matter how badly she wanted to change herself, she'd only ever been intended as an instrument of death. she didn't enjoy a second of it, but she's always been a tool that needed a guiding hand of some sort. the reaction to that much death shouldn't have been apathy, but even that felt too difficult to muster up after a while. whatever hope she had at at least being able to serve the people around her in a way that made up for her deficits was gone.)

no real messy conclusion here. he sits with the knowledge that she would have killed him out of necessity, but those same reasons are also a big part of why she was unquestioningly ready to aid him in the first place. she tells him it genuinely wouldn't have mattered even if he despised her for some reason on a personal level; he brought to her attention a man responsible for the untold suffering of thousands of people, and that meant she had an obligation to become involved. not exactly the romantic ideal of a knight in shining armour, but the consistency is terrifying & splendid in its own way.

honestly, i don't even know if he would know how he felt until he has some time to think about it. the way she functions internally is just so insanely alien to him sometimes, despite her general willingness to plainly answer more or less any questions he might have. the explanations work for how, not always why. he gets the bodily disconnect, of course, and the idea that you're only as good as your last performance. & his experience with other paladins tells him that they're generally kind of odd, but not in the way she was.

he wants to know why, then, if she'd always seen herself as someone who had such a massive blindspot, did she dedicate herself to something inherently selfless? usually, that sort of decision came out of emotional connection (not to be insensitive, if there's even a way to dance around that type of insecurity delicately). & she just sort of shrugs, as if the conclusion was obvious. she could always sense that there was something incomplete & incorrect in her, and if she couldn't fix it, then she could at least make up for it in other ways.

(this is probably the most glaringly obvious example of how different their internal workings are. he cannot for the life of him imagine continually putting himself on the line for strangers like that voluntarily, knowing he'd be getting so little out of it beyond meeting some imaginary and/or arbitrary standard. she's never even considered it to be that, on the other hand, and knows that causing suffering takes approximately the same amount of effort. better to at least have someone benefitting from her existence, if she should exist at all. there's still a part of him that feels like he's owed something for all of his suffering--she's still not even certain that what she's experienced would even qualify as suffering. if it is, shouldn't she tolerate it willingly because of what she is & what her purpose was?)

he'd propositioned her at the tiefling party for a few reasons. one was, of course, the need to secure his safety via her enamoured trust. not a single one of those interactions followed his usual script. yes, she went along with them, but never in a way that he felt stemmed from unbearable lust or otherwise being completely enamoured. he'd picked up on the involuntary detachment too without realizing, but it made him nervous. the second reason was more immediate; the staring.

in hindsight, he is now aware that the people watching is a harmless (if disconcerting when you're the one her eyes are on) habit of hers, and it's not just him who ends up targeted either. she's fascinated by the mechanics of someone who's able to work a crowd, who can effortlessly draw strangers in & figure out where things go from there. body language, vocal tone, everything is observed. she's moved past envy at this point in her life, she tells him, but she suspects that probably wasn't so as a child. there's a very hazy recollection of trying to imitate the way some neighbouring girls spoke to each other when they played outside, ending in confused disappointment when her efforts were laughed at as they ran off without her.

he could talk to people, though. maybe not always as well as he did now (everyone had an awkward learning phase, he figures, even if he can't recall any similar memories of ostracization during his formative years), and that wasn't saying he enjoyed the vast majority of those interactions either, but he could do it & do it well. so well, in fact, that her observational fascination had been inevitable. what he thought was intense suspicion was actually just a curious audience, and her (correctly understood) bafflement when he'd propositioned her had also retroactively made a lot of sense. she'd seen no reason for someone like her to have a place in his performances, but was curious enough to go along with it to see how everything looked from this side.

(everything worked out anyway, but he still feels a little stupid for being that off-base when she'd never even thought of hiding her motivations.)

there's also so much to unpack about withers dragging her back from the dead. she didn't even question it being a 'no peace due to the weight of your sins' scenario (which... i'm not certain it was entirely?). the only alternative she might be convinced of is knowing the reality of her strength and how valuable it would be for the upcoming fight. stepping into the actual gameplay for a second but she had orin down single-handedly in 1.5 turns. just over a minute of combat. that's not nothing, and would almost definitely be horrifying to watch happen in real-time. yes, that's your friend, yes, that's your lover, but it's a good thing she's not your enemy or else you might also be reduced to a pile of viscera.

i'd say this is probably the point where the lack of value she has for herself is crystal clear. not purposefully, but he's had some pretty pressing matters on the brain & didn't catch on while his focus was elsewhere (like not dying or being recaptured, for example). & she's also actually sort of... passive in a lot of ways? she's got a code she adheres to and acts accordingly in situations where it applies, and naturally there were some pretty strong reactions about bhaal's connection with her. but beyond that she tends to accept things as they come to her, operating without solid intentions or a notion of preference until after the fact.

this gets me to another thing i'll probably have more thoughts on later (or more in-depth anyway). him understanding & functioning for the majority of his existence with his worth measuring up to what he could do for cazador specifically. how good he is at reading people, using that to mold himself into someone that they'd be head-over-heels for in one evening and how easily those habits still show themselves presently & he doesn't know if he'll ever be able to unlearn that instinctive reaction, compared to her complete inability to hide anything. she will never be charming, or smooth, or even be able to do the briefest impression of 'normal.' people don't like her, even without bhaal's influence on her actions; there's still something that always flags as subconsciously wrong to them. and she'll accept the treatment anyway because it seems to be the best she can achieve. he knows how to have people falling at his feet with minimal effort; she's consistently surprised when anyone likes her at all.

(there's a parallel/connection here that i'm grasping towards but haven't quite defined yet & it has something to do with physical autonomy/reclamation of the self and how that can manifest.)

she also wasn't surprised when he confessed to having less than honourable intentions about their initial hookup. she didn't know the exact reasons behind it, of course, but she assumed it might just have been his own curiosity or even boredom that drove him. lightly insulting but another thing that explains her behaviour at the time. it was still something she wanted to engage in, but there was never any assumption that it was something more than skin-deep & honestly i think he might have been a bit miffed to learn that? in a way that isn't even entirely logical, since it also means someone didn't just fall for the ruse (& wanted to be around him anyway). but also: someone didn't fall for it, meaning there was some sort of hole in the armour, some type of vulnerability that gave it away. knowing now that he wouldn't have been persecuted doesn't mean this is any less of an anxious thought.

she's not aloof & never actually has been. she doesn't think she has that desire to connect because it's never been reciprocated, but it's there & it's strong. she'll take whatever she can to try and figure out what's missing in her, and this desire has been exploited before without her knowing. if bhaal's control made all her efforts pointless, able to control her body & override her own thoughts for the sake of murder, then there wasn't anything left to fight for. having her memories taken was inherently violating, but also probably the only way she was ever going to gain a desire to live for herself in any capacity. there's something just a bit extra tragic about someone who's never been offered anything remotely self-worth building to the degree they think 'hollow' is a positive state.

anyway, this definitely isn't a happy conversation for them, but it's important & revealing. it's also her first time really vocalizing what she thinks of herself, so that's pretty big too even if it's indirect. i also get the sense he might be even somewhat paradoxically angry. not at her, but more just the whole situation & the fact that these are the lengths she feels she has to go to for... what, exactly? the off chance that someone might speak to you like a person instead of an anomaly to avoid? it's gone on so long now, he knows she's never even considered that there should be an alternative. he's having to build himself back up again & it's been varying levels of struggling to do so, but he's never actually considered what starting from total 0 would look like. evidently, it looks like not even understanding what the issue is in the first place, or that it exists at all. he doesn't know if one is worse, or if they're just two types of the same hell.

mix this in with some guilt-tinged relief, though; if she's just piecing together herself now, then she's also not judging any of his own missteps. her tendency towards acceptance could probably use some more discretion on who receives it, but it's that same quality that allows her to gracefully deal with whatever he throws at her. if she doesn't know how, she will learn, not just for him but so she has the skill in the future. stubbornness can be a problem, but tempered with humility & patience? a lot of good can be done. he's done/said very little that she hasn't been able to take in stride and add to a growing list of experiences. it's also not like he's never crossed a line before, and it was made very explicit when it happened. his attempt to make light of the oathbreaking situation had backfired terribly, and that was apparent the very millisecond it happened.

but every time he asks something of her, or reveals a little more of himself, or dares to express discomfort, there's never been a need to push for it. how fear-filled had he been, wanting to crawl out of his own skin, when he'd choked over wanting to step back from sex? he'd expected something. disappointment, most likely. perhaps anger. a demand to be the exception. definitely not a thoughtful look while the request was digested before agreeing to it shortly after, only asking a question to clarify if he meant a break from physical contact entirely, or just certain kinds? & he just blinked back for a solid few seconds, processing how easy that was, how it didn't need all of the build-up or trepidation. ask & receive. that's it. & he asks why, because it's all he can actually think to say in the moment instead of an answer to her question, which produces an equally baffled because you... asked? what other response would there be?

as if no other option existed. as if what he said was completely reasonable and not something the majority of people he'd interacted with would have taken as a personal slight. the only concession she'd needed was clarification. and because he couldn't leave well enough alone, he did eventually manage to wheedle out that yes, should he have been turned off entirely from any sort of physicality whatsoever, she would have been somewhat disappointed (expected, honestly, especially since her recent discovery of general touch being something she craved after years of denial), but still wouldn't have pressed.

while grateful at the time (still grateful now, actually), he can't pinpoint if this was purely for his benefit, or just another side of how quickly she could deny herself anything that brought her the slightest amount of pleasure. it's not innocence, because it doesn't make sense in any world to apply that word to bhaal's former favourite, and she's aware of things even if she fails in their application. perhaps it's just the natural result of conditioning & neglect, a lack of recognition pushing her to accept scraps in place of something more thoughtful.

& sitting here now with her, learning that the one thing she had when everything else was stripped away was actually something she took up out of a desperate need to make up for the fact that she was simply born as herself is...

well. it's something, that's for sure.

because it's still important to her & likely will be until she's dead. it brings comfort and direction, providing a framework that she can use to navigate other people on occasion. he's not even going to broach the topic in a potential shift in interests. it wouldn't go anywhere or do anything beyond making her pull away. he'd been made to feel all sorts of shamefully inadequate over the last two hundred years, but he could at least sit with the knowledge that he had a few decades before all of that. it wasn't much comfort, especially with the understanding that he would be dealing with the ripple effects for an undetermined amount of time, patching the damage he could & learning to accept what he couldn't. but he knew enough to be able to mourn what had been lost.

so perhaps the solution here isn't to remove it, but to just... introduce more things into her life for variety. he's not sure yet, nor does he think he's really the best candidate to help either. (ironic, since she feels like she's the least qualified person in camp to help anyone with anything, but here we are.) & that's if a solution is even necessary here. perhaps it really is just a matter of time before there's a shift. she's been free of bhaal's influence now for... what, a week? possibly less? which leaves years to sort things out after, assuming they survive this anyway. a lot could change in that time.

another item on the post-tadpole to-do list, another bridge to cross when they arrive.

#bg3 #astarion x durge #i think i ended up combining a few stray thoughts here.#its def not developed enough yet to my liking if i wanted to write fic tho #might come back to it might just rework it for something else whomst knows #anyway. mentally ill thinking about her path to fleshing out herself as a person for the first time.#not even grasping the depth of the damage because to understand that would be to sign off on your own destruction.#the depersonalization is protection in her case.#which likely ties into why she does just accept certain things at face value. its just subconscious.#oc tag #velrith #couldnt get that one suzanne rivecca quote out of my head either #'to make up the fact that it's me.' yeah. Yeah.#she Does feel that way & doesn't realize just how much she does.

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whittcker · 1 year

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♕ ( n/a / 25 / cis man / he/him ) — did you see WHITTAKER EAGAN wandering around the island today? they kind of look like TIMOTHEE CHALAMET from certain angles? i heard around town that the PhD STUDENT is INTELLIGENT, and COY, but also IMPETUOUS, and CONNIVING. people say that they remind them of CIGARETTE SMOKE, A WOLFISH SMILE, and BLOWN-OUT PUPILS, and CALL IT FATE, CALL IT KARMA by THE STROKES is definitely their theme song. they seem like a nice enough person, but we all know how hard it is to keep a pristine reputation in a small town. ( c / 22 / pst / she/they )

hiii everyone ! i'm c and this is my baby whittaker ( feel free to call him "whit" bc he prefers that ). he's getting his phd in english at harvard and is spending some time off in kings haven to try to work on poetry, away from it all. ( at least that's what he tells people ... ) pls feel free to hit me up in the group discord to plot !! read below for more info abt him :)

BASIC INFORMATION

FULL NAME: whittaker james eagan

NICKNAME(S): " whit " ( he prefers it strongly over his full name, which he considers too long and "pretentious" )

AGE: twenty-five

DATE OF BIRTH: february 14th, 1998

HOMETOWN: sonoma, california

CURRENT LOCATION: kings haven, ma

GENDER: cis male

PRONOUNS: he/him

ORIENTATION: bisexual

RELIGION: atheist

OCCUPATION: phd student at harvard university

LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: small apartment

LANGUAGE(S) SPOKEN: english, minimal american sign language which he took for his language requirement in undergrad

ACCENT: american

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE

FACE CLAIM: timothee chalamet

HAIR COLOUR: dark brown

EYE COLOUR: piercing green

HEIGHT: 5'10"

WEIGHT: approx. 150 lbs.

BUILD: lanky and thin

TATTOOS: a couple of small tattoos on his arms and ankles, nothing big

PIERCINGS: none

CLOTHING STYLE: usually some loose trousers, a t-shirt and a jacket if he's trying to be casual ( click for example ! ) and he's no stranger to dressing up a bit due to his father's wealth, but he still keeps it pretty lowkey ( click ! )

USUAL EXPRESSION: slightly smug, like he knows something you don't

DISTINGUISHING CHARACTERISTICS: his stark black hair is what most people notice first about him, and then his eyes

HEALTH

PHYSICAL AILMENTS: none, though he catches colds very easily

NEUROLOGICAL CONDITIONS: none

ALLERGIES: pollen

SLEEPING HABITS: he's a pretty light sleeper and will knock back some nyquil if he has to in order to sleep

EATING HABITS: he has a pretty intense appetite, and enjoys finer foods

EXERCISE HABITS: he runs for cardio exercise but doesn't do a whole lot of weightlifting

EMOTIONAL STABILITY: he would say he's "fine" but the people around him would probably disagree. he's a very erratic person

SOCIABILITY: he's somehow both antisocial and never alone. he's very quiet most of the time and keeps to himself, but he parties a lot. most of his friends are party rats who don't actually care about him. they're always prowling for the next place to sneak into. he uses his dad's money to get into rich people's houses, only to steal something expensive just for the thrill.

BODY TEMPERATURE: his hands are always cold

ADDICTIONS: he would say none, but some might say otherwise ... especially nicotine

DRUG USE: heavy

ALCOHOL USE: heavy

PERSONALITY

POSITIVE TRAITS: wildly intelligent, softspoken, excellent listener, creative, generally nice to strangers, witty, spontaneous, thrill-seeking, articulate, gentle

NEGATIVE TRAITS: erratic, unpredictable, often irritable, slightly elitist, somewhat snobbish, curt, garrulous, ostentatious

FEARS: honestly, none

HOBBIES: drinking, writing poetry, running, rock climbing, painting, reading, drawing, going to museums and galleries

HABITS: biting his nails, playing with the tags on his shirts

FAVOURITES

WEATHER: springtime-warm with just the slightest bit of rain; bonus points if it's sunny at the same time, so the rain catches the light

COLOUR: sky blue

MUSIC: jeff buckley, the strokes, fleetwood mac, the doors, the smiths, kate bush

MOVIE: he has a hard time choosing a favorite movie since it changes a lot, but right now he'd say the banshees of inisherin

SPORT: he was a huge hockey fan as a kid; that's since faded but he still knows a lot about hockey and watches it when he's homesick

BEVERAGE: a whiskey sour

FOOD: any pasta dish, bonus points if it has seafood in it

ANIMAL: he's a cat person, so probably cats, but he also really likes deep sea creatures 'cause they're weird looking

FAMILY

FATHER: james eagan, 55, lives in california

MOTHER: candace eagan (nee quincy), 54, lives in california

SIBLING(S): noah hayes, half - brother ( unbeknowst to him ), tom holland

PET(S): none

FINANCIAL STATUS: very, very well-off

THINGS TO KNOW

whittaker was born in 1998 to an extremely wealthy family. the eagans are well-known in sonoma for their heritage wine vineyard. whit has many childhood memories of running between the grapevines, playing chase with his mother and the family dog.

his father loves him, but has extremely high expectations of him and is the entire reason he's getting a phd. if it were up to him he would've quit after undergrad and sailed on his dad's coattails for the rest of his life, but alas !

whit is a pretty quiet guy - he doesn't go out of his way to talk to people and spends a lot of time in coffee shops and cafes, writing or reading.

he's generally nice. like, he likes to chat, will entertain a good conversation, and is naturally quite charming, but ......

whittaker is a fucking snob. like, if you picture what a harvard english major is like, that's whit. he's nice, sure, and relatively friendly, but he's definitely a rich kid. and he has no idea why people think he's "out of touch," which is even worse.

he's insanely smart. like, a genius. which makes the snob thing worse. sometimes he goes off on tangents about things without realizing it and definitely doesn't realize that it probably comes off condescending sometimes.

he is the definition of a trust fund kid, too. he's never worked a day in his life.

he does hate his family's wealth though -- he doesn't like the reputation it gives him.

he's a huge flirt, but like, not in an overt way -- he's just used to getting what he wants and will charm his way into having it !

he's never been in a relationship - sleeps around a LOT

noah hayes is his half-brother, although he doesn't know that. his dad has literally never told him about his little fling before he was born, let alone about the son that bore from it.

CONFIDENTIAL: whittaker tells everyone that he's in kings haven to take a break from studying and to write poetry, which is somewhat true, but he's also here because his parents are getting concerned about his habits ( read: his alcohol & drug use ). they don't know the true extent of it, but they know he's struggling with something and they're hoping some time away from his usual environment will help. so, they put him up in kings haven free-of-charge for as long as he wants, and whittaker likes it here so far.

WANTED CONNECTIONS

hookups ! he gets around quite a bit ( f / m / nb )

friends ... real ones. back at harvard he tends to self-isolate so he's still kind of learning how to actually hold down a real meaningful relationship. ( f / m / nb )

a good ol' unrequited love plot would be sweeeeet. in either direction ! ( f / m / nb )

people who think he's an asshole, bc there's gotta be at least a couple ! ( f / m / nb )

#khintro #x — 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐨.

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bioethicists · 2 years

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if it’s not too nosy to ask (pls ignore if so) how did you arrive at doing case management and how do you like it? i have similar values in terms of like interest in health and med anthro in an anti-psych/institutions way nd am trying to figure out in what capacities i can work in health related fields while honoring those values lol,,, thank u i love ur blog

haha so i kind of hate it rn + am leaving in may so take that was u will! i wouldn't necessarily say case management is an easy place to have these values but i am in a unique position where i'm not licensed so therefore am actually banned from (thus not instructed to) doing most of the heinous shit- i am never involved in the process of diagnosing, treating, or incarcerating a client. an msw or similar clinical degree would demand that i be more involved with that process

i live in MA which has a unique program called the BHCP program (through our Medicaid, MassHealth)+ my technical title is "care coordinator" but this is largely a smokescreen for (even more) underpaid case management. my primary job is to obtain + maintain services for my clients, such as SSI, specialists, housing, food stamps, etc. i also spend a lot of time doing stuff i'm not technically supposed to do- help clients read their mail, help with court cases, help dealing with child support etc. i am about 90% of the time able to help ppl in a way that i don't feel icky about.

the cost- i make 39k a year to case manage up to 65 clients who i have to contact at least once a month. many of them have issues far beyond my scope but i am the only person willing or able to work with them. social services in MA, arguably one of the best states for social services in the country, are an absolute shitshow- i spend about 33% of my job trying to force other ppl to do theirs. get me a client that speaks only spanish and the services become essentially unnavigable. masshealth randomly decides we need to improve quantitative performance measures that have 0 bearing on the actual quality of our clients' lives so we are routinely chastised for not meeting stupid paperwork requirements (what percentage of clients have their race and ethnicity recorded in their file? did you check the right boxes on their yearly assessment?) which seems to matter way more to the state (which, through its other departments, is causing most of the problems i'm being paid by them to solve???) than actually helping them. also, the emotional impact is rough + most of my coworkers cope by hardening themselves, othering our clients/getting angry with them, or giving up altogether.

it's just not feasible or HUMAN to expect someone to be able to go to someone's home, hear a story of their brutal assault by the same man you're helping them demand child support from, lock eyes with the child you know in your heart is never going to see a dollar of his dad's money because the child support case is almost definitely a dead end, then go home and do 6 more hours of paperwork. they tell us we're supposed to compartmentalize + shut off empathy in order to function at our job (real thing they tell us in training!) and like... fuck that. i'm not smothering my humanity in order to meet performance requirements- except the alternative is working yourself to the brink of suicide lmao.

that being said, i didn't always feel like this (first two years were easier) and i have some pretty intense personal circumstances complicating it (dead brother, raging eating disorder, etc). i do feel like i have been able to make real + tangible impacts in others' lives, learned how to navigate the system well enough to use that knowledge in more radical spaces, build human connections with people who have never had that with providers before. having a radical perspective on the system will save you from a lot of burnout because you won't be one of the naive ones who think that social services + "educating" your clients will fix all their problems. most of the problems i am describing above are going to be present in almost all health/social services fields. if the state funds it, this is what they will do to it.

i'm going back to school in september + my goal is to pursue full time ethnographic research while utilizing my skills at navigating social services to assist ppl on a person to person level. in terms of how i got here- graduated dec 18, worked in residential mental health for like 2 months before fully cementing that there was no ethical way to do so (and getting horrifyingly triggered by it) -> americorps position at a local hospital doing community outreach during the day + nursing home/private duty elder care at night -> current job

#assault m /

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miriaflowers · 11 months

Text

therapy sessions

11/6/23

I decided that journaling what I talk through with my therapist would be an incredibly helpful self reference guide to look back upon. note - this is about 4 months into therapy, first two with a therapist I didn't connect well with and two with my current therapist who is awesome.

today was my first session since getting back home from my Japan and Korea trip. it feels weird being home because it feels less like home than I did when I was traveling around in Asia. that's part of my essence, I love the freedom of travel and the genuine connections you can make along the journey. to keep some of that travel magic we talked about being a tourist in my own city as I admittedly have not explored much of.

she also sent me a daily planner PDF that I definitely should utilize and print out. routine is important for me, at least a loose one with a few things a week to look forward to. I could never do a rigid packed schedule but I'm finding comfort in the middle, having some foundational plans to work around.

we talked about creating a commitment of sorts to the climbing gym and yoga. at least a consistent day and time, we'll shoot for 3 times a week for now. the goal is to join the climbing gym tomorrow. it'll be worth it! consistency helps with my mental and emotional health and building a familiar community around those shared interests will create a fulfilling day to day life.

also talked about being more intentional about my food intake as when I'm home I usually just procrastinate eating and end up eating whatever junk is around. that will not fulfill and sustain my body, there's definitely been a difference in how I feel when eating back here vs my trip. I felt pretty nourished out there and it was so affordable for me. just as a factor of being in a different country my lifestyle was a lot more healthy. walking around a lot and being spoiled with culture, connection, and cheap delicious satisfying food. the three C's perhaps?

for now, since I am going to be here for a good while I imagine, I must focus on getting the career skills necessary to have the kind of life I want. flexibility and freedom are priceless to me. and that kind of lifestyle requires knowledge and skills in technology these days, which I fortunately love and use. I need to take advantage of that luck and learn. I wasn't built for this game but I have to play it the best I can. with enough help and perseverance I believe I can do it. I already got the luck part in some regards, it's up to me to utilize it.

inaction will be the death of me. I need a balance between the rest I need and the connection I need. because the truth is I need massive amounts of both and it's easy for me to fall into the void one way or another.

I'm lucky to have this chance and be alive. to get to travel and experience the things I have. music, culture, food, drugs, love. maybe not the exact love I've been desiring but still so much pure love over these years. enough love for me to make it to this point, you know?

I should continue doing these journals. it's been very helpful to explore what we've been talking about and get even more value out of my therapy.

trying to remember what all we talked about but I'm pretty sure that sums it up. continue to foster connections, tend to your body with both the activity and rest that it needs, nourish your body with good food, nourish your mind with new knowledge and skills (at this moment try to prioritize things in technology), nourish your soul with love, connections, and experiencing new things. I'm learning that this is the person that lies underneath the years of trauma and mental illness. I have hope that I'll like, and eventually love, this person.

#miriaflowers

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tolstoys · 1 year

Text

It's been about 5yrs since I've done any real journaling here but I'm going to try to start again because it's important for my emotional wellness and because I want to start tracking my goals and life changes. I'm also going to start journaling my dreams again.

The last month of my life has been transformative for me. I've come to understand my attachment style and what that means and how to heal it and I've also come to an understanding of self love and how to execute it that I've never had before. I have made huge strides in changing my self concept and in taking better care of myself and enacting better habits. I am seeing myself as the person that I want to be and doing what I think she would be doing, and this is how I will become her.

Learning how to take care of myself has been a process and it's required a lot of grace for the past versions of me that were expected to know and never really taught. I'm working on self-parenting and viewing everything through the lens of how I would take care of my child and how I would treat my child rather than myself and I can see now that how things were before was unacceptable. I deserve better and I'm going to give myself better.

The 7 pillars of self care are:

Knowledge & Health Literacy

Mental Wellbeing

Physical Activity

Healthy Eating

Risk avoidance or mitigation Environment

Good hygiene

Rational and responsible use of self-care products & services Recreational / Social

I've been keeping up with regular doctor visits but I need to make an appt with my physician to get bloodwork done in order to have a hormone panel. I've been on depo every 11wks for over a decade and I'm not sure if I've ever had a hormone panel done so definitely need to do that. I also need to ask for scripts for my skincare things because I'm always breaking out.

I've been keeping up with therapy and I've followed a ton of psychologists and life coaches on youtube who were the catalyst for removing these psychological blockages I had by showing me what they were, how they were related, and how to heal them. Right now I'm focusing on healing my anxious attachment style, learning self love (including eliminating negative self talk and self punishing habits), and unlearning codependency. I am doing this through therapy, videos on youtube, and also a ton of books. I'm really trying to get back into reading.

I have been engaging in some form exercise nearly every day for a month now. I also accept doing strenuous chores as a form of exercise and part of my transformation has been overcoming physical pain and exhaustion in order to care for myself, largely by trying to provide a clean and happy living space, which has a lot to do with pillar 5. I have been reorganizing / paring down / and deep cleaning my house section by section and then this week I actually borrowed cleaning supplies from my dad and washed nearly the entire exterior of my home, which was extremely challenging to do. The goal is to do a little bit every day or almost every day, to build strength and endurance through this, and a healthy clean environment to live in. It's tough though because living with 2 dogs and a cat in a tiny home means it's kind of always dirty no matter how much I clean. But what matters is that I keep going and keep trying.

Skipping back a pillar, I have implemented a keto pescatarian diet and I'm working on keeping calories between 1200-1300/day with my macros at 100g of fat and 75g of protein. I started a food and exercise blog to track this daily. This is a challenge because prior to this journey I had no earthly idea how many calories were in anything, but I'm working really hard to figure it all out because I know I can and I want to feel better and have more energy and focus and also be earth shatteringly hot again.

Part of changing my self concept and increasing my physical activity and cleaning all the time has necessitated a lot of hygiene changes in my life. It's embarrassing to talk about but my eating and hygiene have always taken a backseat when I'm depressed or stressed and so making these things a priority has been a huge part of my transformation. I think once my dr takes a look at my hormones and I can get my skin under control, these will also make a huge difference.

Despite a ton of stress ongoing for 16+ weeks now regarding my job situation, I'm handling things really well and I'm making a strong commitment to self care before anything else. I've been doing really well with managing my anxiety and self-regulating my emotions. I've even started dating somebody, which is going really well and has been extraordinarily different than any other romantic relationship I've ever had. So that's good. I'm out here breaking patterns, altering behaviors, introducing good habits, and reframing my perspective.

#diary

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17caratssi · 3 years

Text

Wonwoo! Will you stay

Jeon Wonwoo! A short series pt one | two | three | four Being rejected for the first time doesn't put you off. In fact, your interest in him grows bigger.

You don't remember what happens after you blurt that offering out to Wonwoo. But for sure, Wonwoo rejects you on the spot.

"If you think I was joking, nope. I was serious and it's probably the most serious question I've ever asked in my life,"

"Yeah, sure. The answer is still no. Let me tell you something,"

Your eyes sparkle with hope. Is he going to say that he's not ready yet, and if I work harder, maybe he'll reconsider?

Wonwoo thought he would never have to tell anyone this, but this may be the best.

"I give no shit about anything and being here in this school just makes me sick. I want to quickly graduate so that I can die in peace,"

"And also, I have no plan to be nice to girls who approach me." he finishes what he wanted to say. It sounds cruel, and even some of it isn't what he intended to say, but he just wants to put an end to her.

If she's smart, she would be clear of it.

But you don't care the things Wonwoo spouts. You like him, and your eyes are on him.

"Okay then! I'll try my hardest to charm you," you squeeze your hand in determination. You don't waver from his intense stare and add, "You know, this is my first time confessing to a guy and this is also my first time getting rejected but I'm pretty sure I can make you my boyfriend. I can wait, yes. Even it takes me 10 years, as long as I like you, I will pursue!"

Wonwoo shrugs and turns away. He's not certain of you, and your word kind of stir him a little. In 18 years of life, you are the first person to talk to him in this way and disregard whatever he said.

Since young, Wonwoo limits himself to talking. He pays a lot of attention to his words to avoid unnecessary emotions. However, today, he finally meets his contender.

"My warning remains valid,"

"Alright!"

After school, Wonwoo packs his bag and leaves the class immediately.

Wonwoo has to do part-time for his family. Initially, he wanted to turn down the scholarship, but his mother secretly accepted the offer. All she wants for Wonwoo to continue school and not bury his youth with responsibilities.

With the other five siblings, he couldn't possibly let his old mother do all the work. Therefore, he applies for the empty cashier position nearby his rented house just three kilometres from the school. His part-time job requires him to arrive fast, and since he hasn't gotten his bicycle, Wonwoo has to run to the convenience store.

You followed him from behind, but he is sure fast! You panted all the way to the elevator as you watch him uses the stairs and speeds away.

"Y/N!" Yuran, your childhood best friend, calls your name.

Yuran is the one that introduces you to this school when she was informed that you will return to Korea. She is a year older, and she treats you like a sister since you are the only child. You always love to be around here, and now that you two are in the same school, you will have a friend to rely on.

You wave at her as she jogs toward you.

"How's the first day?"

You contemplate. You are not familiar with Korea, and it seems the people here are so different to Americans. You scratch your head.

"So far, good." You opt for a lie and only remember about Wonwoo. "Oh! My seatmate is handsome," you brag.

"That's all you can think of?" She nudges your arm lightly.

Frankly, 80% of the time, you just admire him.

You realize that his side profile is wonderfully sculpted; the sharp jawline and the distance between his forehead and eyebrows are just right.

You are going to appreciate this beautiful human being while you are alive.

"Yuran-eonnie, come to my house this Saturday," you link your arm around Yuran's, and in an excited voice, you add, "My family is hosting a house-warming party. It's not grand so we invite only close friends. Therefore, you must come!"

Yuran giggles and pat your arm.

"Of course I would come! I miss your mom a lot. Will she cook?"

"HAHA! My dad won't let her cook anymore so we might as well order for the food,"

"Ugh, your dad is still so overprotective. Their love never dies, huh?"

You sigh at the thought of your parents' affection. It's admirable but tiring for me. It's like they feed me dog food every day!"

The two of you burst out laughing. The chat goes on until you come to the gate. Yuran left first, and you wait for your dad to pick you up.

"How's school?"

You beam at your dad and answer truthfully. "Great! I might get a boyfriend soon, though- Why are you laughing?" you whine.

"Nothing, I just hope to meet my son-in-law. I can't wait to lecture him,"

"Dad!!?"

"What? I must tell him that my daughter is the most precious human being and he is obligated to love you for the rest of his life if he wants to marry you!"

"Like how you love mom?"

"Yeah, of course. He better be overflowing with love for you or else,"

You smile. Your dad is always overreacting when it comes to this topic. He has very high expectations of the boys you mention to him, and it scares you since Wonwoo doesn't reciprocate your feeling just yet.

As the car passes the buildings, you recognize Wonwoo, who's running to his destination. You grin and pull your dad's hand.

"Dad, please stop the car!"

The tires screech to halt, and in a blink, you already come out of the car and reach Wonwoo. He pants and is in confusion as to how you manage to chase him. Then, he realizes.

"What do you want?"

You scan him and wipe the beads of perspiration on his face. You flash a happy smile before saying.

"Where's your driver?"

Wonwoo, for a second, almost couldn't identify the person. He is baffled. "W-what?"

"Oh! Jump in, I'll send you home,"

Wonwoo is taken aback. What do you mean by 'Where's your car?' but before he gets to ask you, he's being pulled by force. Plunge into the backseat, Wonwoo's awareness heightens in the presence of someone in the driver seat.

"Where are you going? My dad can drive you there,"

In fact, you're the only person in the car that's jubilant. Your dad is sceptical to Wonwoo, and the same goes for the latter.

"I can walk,"

You quickly stop him from opening the door. "Dad, we can send him to his place, right?"

Your dad looks at the rear-view mirror and hesitates. He eventually gives in and replies.

"Yes, dear," his sight swifts to Wonwoo. "Boy, tell me where you're going?"

Wonwoo grunts lowly and tells the two the direction. Since he isn't going back home and doesn't want anyone to know he's working part-time, he lies.

You keep talking to Wonwoo despite getting no answer. He closes his eyes and clears his mind.

Once arrive, you follow him out.

"I'll excuse you this time because your father is watching. I won't tolerate your behaviour next time!"

The atmosphere at that moment is calm and clear. Though cars are passing by, they make no sound. Hence, you can definitely understand what he meant.

"Don't go running about in the noon, you'll get sick! See you tomorrow at school!"

As a girl, you totally get the meaning of Wonwoo's words. He cuts through your heart with his harsh warning, and you endure it.

Maybe this is my karma since I always leave the people around me. These few foul words from the person I like aren't that bad. I'm willing to be on the receiving end.

You enter the car with your lips stretch to your ears. To avoid getting questioned by your father of Wonwoo's identity, you avert the attention.

"Dad, thank you for taking me in,"

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

I've created a schedule for this series- every Wednesday and Saturday, but it also depends on the chapter availability. Since I'm on my semester break, I have more time to write it unless I have writer's block. I accept requests for drabbles, one shot and anything you want me to write ;)

If you like this story, you might as well check out the others here !

#wonwoo #seventeen #jeon wonwoo #wonwoo imagine #wonwoo one shot #wonwoo fluff #wonwoo angst #wonwoo au #seventeen au #kpop au #kpop imagine #kpop #wnwoo_will you stay #wonwoo_WYS2

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chasmbreach · 2 years

Text

I really just made my own Sun and Moon AU didn’t I. I guess, more info under the cut?

Ok so, Luminescence AU.

I don’t intend this AU to be much of a sun+moon x y/n, mainly because I feel uncomfortable under that kind of au, thus I can’t really imagine myself in that situation, but you can certainly put yourself in!

Sun uses they/them, Moon uses he/him. They refer to each other as brothers, but that doesn’t mean it’s ok use he/him for Sun. They're twins, Moon being older by a few minutes, although oftentimes Sun is the one who acts like the elder. Moon is also slightly taller.

Both were born without their full arms, childbirth defects unfortunately. Both are able to write with their feet in emergencies, but their prosthetic arms have improved in technology since their childhood and can do most everything a normal arm can do. Their eyes are a result of childhood bullying from school. It's part of the reason why they work so hard at their current job.

Sun and Moon are care attendants at an orphanage. Majority of the time, Sun cares for the smaller children while Moon cares for 13+, although they don’t prohibit any mingling of the two spaces.

Sun is very gentle and is very good at keeping children’s attention. They supervise the children when they play in the playground and when any games require more physical mobility. They're the one who helps with emotional conflict of any kind.

Moon does most of the education segment of the orphanage. He may seem very quiet, but his voice can be very commanding, and yet he is the perfect person to ask for a bedtime story reading. He's stern when he needs to be, especially with the rowdier kids.

Sun gets more emotional when a child is adopted while Moon gives constant reassurances, ie if you don't like your new parents we can give this another try. Sun is more updated with social trends than Moon, but Moon is better with mechanics. Whenever their arms malfunction for any reason, Moon is the one who fixes them.

I'd imagine there are also other employees in the building, like managing the files for the children, cleaning, cooking, but the two of them are the main direct caretakers of the kids. At the same time, because they are the main caretakers, they live at the orphanage in case any emergencies come up.

They have surprisingly strong immune systems, so they don't often get sick. Which is great, since they are needed almost 24/7.

And some extra design notes:

Moon is rather self conscious of his arms, which is why he covers them up. They have the same foot size. Sun doesn't like wearing the poncho much, but they try to wear it semi often because it was a gift from Moon (also because they match and Sun likes that a lot)

Will I draw more of them? I definitely want to, but I'm in an art crisis so I don't know if I actually will get art done.

#chasm art #luminescence au #sun and moon #fnaf #fnaf au #lumi sunlight #lumi moonshine

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mariaiscrafting · 3 years

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ahhhh ty ty ty <3

ok, so I think that what makes Dream act this way (iykyk) is how dreamwastaken became so big so quickly. and by quick I mean fucking lightning speed.

he didn't have enough time to learn enough about cc etiquette, especially in these three aspects: influence, boundaries and fanbase/stans/whatever you call it. I'll try to explain it:

• Influence: Does he know the influence he has? Like, when he hears that he is the myct with the largest fanbase, does he really process that? I remember he talked about not being able to control all of his fanbase and there's bad apples everywhere -- which is true, and that only like 1% of his fanbase breaks his boundaries (that include sending hate for him, harassing, doxing, etc. yk, basic twitter culture lol) but, honey, with your big ass fanbase, 1% is still a lot of people. As a content creator you *have* to be aware of that.

let's take the hbomb situation. First off, as a streamer, it's you that set the mood of the stream. Even if he was only messing around with his pals, even if they did say to do not send hate to hbomb, dt dunking on him created a toxic environment, which caused his fans being toxic towards hbomb and you know what happens next. Hell, when this happened, I was watching Tapl and he was watching them and he was crying laughing over them screaming bc they were just. so loud and so aggressive that it was kinda ??? Sirs, this is literally a Minecraft Stream lmaooo

my point is, that was not the road that dreamwastaken, 21M fans, should've taken. he don't condone his fans actions but he knows his fans are diehard and will always be on his side, he should be more careful before stating negative opinions, especially if its towards another person.

• Boundaries and Fanbase: He posted a list of his boundaries a while ago, idk if you know or seen it (btw please george copy your bestie for the love of god <3) but I'm not talking about those boundaries, I'm talking about the basic boundaries between cc and viewer. boundaries that, in my opinion, should exist between cc and viewer. I get that Dream is an open person, an oversharing type of open person if I may add, but I think he should take a step back regardless. When I heard that he was taking a time from twitter, I genuinely got so glad, not because he couldn't start any drama then, but because it would do so so good for his mental health. I'm not even that fond of him, it's just that for me, any cc taking a break or outright leaving twitter is a win for me. I know how RSD is hard to deal and honestly letting shit out it's better but dream you have dt you have bbh so please don't make things worse online 😭 I know how good can be to feel validation from millions of people but. it's not a good idea, especially in the state that his fanbase is on rn (this topic is kinda sensitive to talk abt for me bc people be outright ableist and hide it as criticism like. say that shit's not helping his reputation and whatever without acting like he's fucking. manipulating his fanbase for being affected by his rsd💀 or, on the other hand, don't say that hes just being adhd🤪 when he's just being an asshole like damn that's a Him thing bro lol)

(omg it's so big I'm so sorry and theres a part two I'm so sorry tumblr user messed-up-gal ToT) - morango 1/2

pt. 2:

Dream is the proof that the people who loves you can be your downfall. istg. Have you noticed that every drama that Dream enters, people usually get more mad abt how his fanbase reacts (85% they'll react in a bad way) than Dream himself? it's not always, but its definitely more likely. I'm not saying Dream is saint, he Is petty and his ego does him dirty and made him choke multiple times before,, But! i dont think hes a bad guy. he's literally just a dude. ok, he's a 21yr old white gamer man that has a trumpie past (maybe?? idk. I think hes cured now ig lol) so he's bound to do some shitty things but he still tries to get better and hopefully he'll mature. 21 is old enough but it's still so young, yk? I kind of lost my mind during the end and my eyes are literally begging to be closed so tl;dr: Its gonna be hard for him to become a better cc bc his fans don't let him be criticized (by infantilizing his adhd symptoms or the mob mentality as soon as someone says anything abt him), the honest criticism get lost between lies from antis that don't know shit, he still has a lot of growing up to do and overall he became famous too fast and he needs to learn things even faster bc as soon as there's not a single one dream hater on sight they'll turn their back and attack him instead lmao I hate twitter i definitely have more to say but I'm tired and my memory is shit. just-- hate dream if you want, love dream if you want, nobody is obligated to have an opinion but I wanted to express mine. have a lovely day! -morango 2/2

Aight, there's a lot to unpack here, so Imma try to only go into the points I have something to add to (here's what I talk about in each paragraph, if you want to jump to a specific point):

Speed of Dream's rise to fame

The "bad apples" in the Dream fanbase

Post-MCC HBomb stream

Not condoning versus actually condemning his fans

Manipulation & RSD

Criticism of Dream, his fanbase, and his brand

The “just a dude” argument, flipped

First, I agree that one of the many factors that has resulted in the current image Dream has set up for himself, the way his fanbase functions, the ways people hate on him, and the way the Dream brand functions, is the speed of his rise to fame. It's unique, and there are probably a hundred social/psychological angles that could be used to examine the exact effects of that speed upon all of these facets of the Dream Name; did rapid fame beget the rapid rise of unrighteous hatred, did those waves of hatred then instigate the rise of a surprisingly overdefensive fanbase, did that rapid fame get to his head and/or result in an inability to appropriately handle all the after-effects of rapid fame, etc.? That point you bring up, about how the speed of his rise to fame requires him to learn even more quickly, is so interesting to me. I think that maybe Dream expected to get pretty famous pretty quickly, hence the preparedness in regards to some mechanics of influencer fame- merchandise, business-building, networking, knowing how to manage his fanbase to best benefit him. But I don't think he expected to get this famous this quickly. This is all speculation of course, as are this entire post and your ask, but I think that he just couldn't anticipate having to learn how to handle enmasse controversy, waves of antis, or every Youtuber speculating/knowing about him; and yeah, that results in him having to learn all of these things very quickly, lest he allow his whole brand and fandom to fall apart.

Second, I disagree with the frequent argument that Dream's fanbase is only marginally toxic. Personally, I think that the circumstances of Dream's fame, his personality and management of his fanbase, and his brand of content have resulted in the very specific kind of stan that Dream stans are. I don't think this is simply a case of "all fandoms have a small percentage of assholes who take it too far;" rather, the nature of the community itself breeds the kind of mentality of "an asshole who takes it too far." I only even know this because I was a Dream fan (kinda a stan, I'm ngl). At one time, I watched every single Dreamwastaken & Dream Team video multiple times; I listened to the Manhunts on repeat, as though they were podcasts; I followed mostly smiletwt and dttwt accounts on mcyttwt; I had upwards of 10 tabs for AO3 DNF fics open on my phone at a time; I watched DNF and Dream Team Being A Family-esque compilations on repeat; I watched every George and Sapnap alt stream I possibly could; I went out of my way to defend Dream against Redditors and Twitter antis regarding the cheating scandal. For the latter half of 2020, and a couple months of 2021, I lived and breathed this part of the fandom; so when I say that Dream stans are a whole other breed than any other kind of mcyttwt stan, I say that because I used to be like that, too. I usually use parasocial very loosely or ironically, but Dream stans are genuinely one of the most parasocial fanbases I have ever seen or been a part of. The level of investment Dream stans have in this man's life, the lengths they will go to to defend him, the amount of psychonalysis and digging they do on his life and character, the amount of emotion he can evoke in them- it's taken to another level, man. This isn't just characteristic of a fraction of his fanbase; this is what the fanbase is like as a whole.

Third, I partially disagree with your take on the HBomb thing, but not in the way one might think? I actually empathize with the way they reacted much more than I thought I would, simply because I suspect I have RSD (also suspect I have ADHD, have for several months now) and I can see myself getting insanely frustrated because of something like that. Like yeah, it was "just a MC stream" or "just an MC game," but that's kinda disregarding the fact that something that might seem like "just a [insert inconsequential thing]" to a rational mind might have a major emotional consequence/take a major emotional toll on someone with RSD, or really anyone who gets easily impatient/angry about video games (Sapnap reminds me of many of my friends, in that way). The issues I, personally, had with the way they handled the HBomb situation is that these are simply explanations and reasons for my empathy; they are not excuses. I have no excuse when I get irrationally angry about something inconsequential in my own life, for a couple of reasons. One, because I am an adult and I need to learn how to handle my reactions and manage my own anger. Two, because as someone with many mental problems, it is my responsibility to learn coping mechanisms to ensure my own emotional stability and livelihood; this includes learning whatever I need to handle RSD- whether that be isolating myself from others when I know I will become violently/passionately angry about something, creating and sustaining a support system that can get me through bouts of extreme emotion, finding healthy emotional outlets for my negative emotions that won't harm myself or others, or a combination thereof. I don't think what they said about HBomb post-MCC was an irreversibly horrible thing, or anything. I think there were errors committed by two men who should be fully capable of foreseeing and preventing those errors, but I don't unconditionally hate Dream or Sapnap for the post-MCC stream or comments. I just wish they had made amends quickly, publicly, and sufficiently, because the greatest consequences from the whole thing weren't even from those two criticizing HBomb themselves; they were from the waves of backlash because of their immense influence on the MCYT fandom, which could've been prevented, if they had acted maturedly and responsibly after the stream.

Fourth, you’re right, that he doesn’t seem to condone his fans’ behavior. I detest the frequent anti argument that one of the reasons Dream should be criticized is because he explicitly uses his fanbase to attack others, or something of the sort. Personally, I think he created his fanbase in a very specific way and interacts with them in such a way so as to benefit him as much as possible, yes, but he never actually tells his fanbase to go and yell at or harrass anyone. Still, there is a significant difference between not condoning something and condemning something. It might seem unfair, and it might be annoying of me to say this, but I truly think that someone with this large a fanbase, especially one as overzealous as Dream’s, needs to be condemned every single time it goes on some kind of rampage/harrassment campaign. Either that, or Dream needs to make a definitive, permanent statement against any kind of harrassment of others on his behalf. I know he’ll occassionally make the odd tweet or serious stream addressing something his fanbase did, but one of the many reasons his fanbase keeps doing the same damn thing is because he’s so lukewarm and spotty about this condemnation. A fanbase like his needs to be given explicit guidance and boundaries for the numerous things they do in his defense- harrassing/doxing antis, harrassing people who criticize him who aren’t antis (respectful criticism, other CCs, other MCYT stans, etc.), harrassing the people he critcizes (i.e., HBomb), speculating about his personal life (his relationship with his gf, his mental health/ADHD, his romantic life, his childhood, etc.), and speculating about his relationships with his friends and colleagues. My personal ideology is that, if you have significant influence over someone or a group of people, you are at least somewhat responsible for the things those people do or don’t do, if it at all relates back to you. I’m so fucking tired of the argument that CCs aren’t responsible for what their fans do. Obviously they aren’t responsible for every single one of their fans, and obviously they can’t fully control their fans at the end of the day. But I think there are certain things that reach such a level of extremity that does make those CCs responsible. This can be measured by either scale or intensity; that is to say, if a CC’s fanbase does things on an extremely large scale, or one person from/a fraction of the fanbase does something really extreme, then the CC is made all the more responsible. Another CC I’ve always had trouble discussing with other people on this subject is Pewdiepie, in particular, about the extremists in his fanbase. Because the things a small handful of his fans have done in reference to him and/or in his name were so fucking extreme, I thought Pewdiepie had to take at least some responsibilty. Along a similar vein, because the things Dream’s general fanbase does are so widespread and on such a massive scale, Dream has to take at least some responsibility.

Fifth, okay. Hmmm. I want to tackle this point you made about the ableism he faces in some criticism of him carefully and with empathy, but not coddling. One, I do think a lot of the criticism he receives for the ways he handles criticism (post-cheating Tweets, reactions to John Swan, post-MCC HBomb stream, etc.), disregard his RSD and can be oftentimes ableist. I’ve actually encountered people irl who criticize this aspect of Dream’s character, and have had to explain to them their disregard for how ADHD/RSD affect neurodivergent people’s reactions to criticism. But - and this is a big, and very controversial but - I think mentally ill/disordered people can 100% leverage their mental illness/disorders for the sake of manipulation. This is actually something I’ve learned from a psychiatrist, regarding the ways people I know and I handle our anxiety and depression. This manipulation can be unwitting or intentional, but it is entirely possible, and the possibility shouldn’t be entirely dismissed as ableist. Living with a mental illness or disorder that others know about/that you are very public about puts you in an interesting position to receive frequent sympathy, empathy, and/or pity. I’m not saying that empathy for Dream having ADHD/RSD is entirely unjustified; on the contrary, I have frequently expressed how I can relate to his ADHD symptoms and have defended him for expressing those symptoms, both on mcytblr and in real life. I am saying that Dream fans tend to use his ADHD as a kind of shield for a lot of criticism levied against him, including the supposition that he could be manipulating his fanbase to defend him because of his public expressions of RSD. So yes, my theory is that Dream knows how to levy every aspect of his life for his personal gain and for the growth of his brand, and that includes his ADHD. I think he has courage for his openess about his ADHD, I think his openness has contributed to the rise in awareness of mental health and empathy for neurodivergent people within Gen Z, and I think at least some of his expressions of RSD publicly/online weren’t intentionally made public. All that being said, I also think he has to know just how much his fanbase cares about defending him for his ADHD, and I think he has to know that some of the things he does related to his neurodivergence endear him to his audience, in a coddling, baby-ing, mildly ableist sorta way. Maybe this is all incredibly presumptuous of me. Of course, I can never know the real intentions behind any Dream video, Tweet, or stream. Maybe I’m just projecting, because I can see myself doing just this, if I had the maturity I had circa 2018-2019. Idfk know, man.

Sixth, I actually agree with you here, people probably do get more mad at his fanbase than him. Dream puts out content pretty seldomly, considering the frequency of content output for other Youtubers/streamers in his field/at his brand size. And yet, he has received masses of criticism. Considering that the things Dream himself does/says do not entirely correlate with the amount of criticism he receives, I think it’s a logical assumption that a lot of that criticism actually goes back to the size of his presence online, rather than the man himself. That is to say, because of the massive community he’s amassed, the exponential growth of his fanbase, their presence on every single social media site and in virtually every single Internet space/fandom, and the size of his metaphysical presence in his fields, Dream is much bigger than the man himself, so the criticism he receives will, at least in part, be a direct or indirect result of all these other aspects of the Dream brand. Something I don’t think many Dream fans/stans, or even most MCYT fans in general, understand, is that Dream isn’t just “one guy” in the eyes of the Internet- at least, not anymore. He hasn’t been for nearly a year. Like Pewdiepie, Mr. Beast, and other CCs who have amassed similar levels of fame and wealth via Internet content creation, Dream is a brand now, and most people will treat him as such. He isn’t just some uwu soft boy playing Minecraft anymore. He is on a whole other level from any other MCYT in his friend circle or colleague interaction bubble. His words will never again live in a vaccum or private bubble, his friend circle will never again be under anything less than intense scrutiny, his past actions will never again be simple mistakes or silly errors, his words will never again be casual tweets or streams for laughs among a couple thousand followers. Dream’s name represents something much bigger than just the one man. As such, all aspects of his brand, including his fanbase, will tie back to him and, ultimately, to any general criticism of him.

I’m not saying I like any of this, and I actually think the evolution of influencers from people to a marketable brand with similar mechanisms, responsibilities, and liabilities as a corporation is some kind of late capitalism nightmare fuel; I’m just stating my own observations and theories as to why so much anti-Dream criticism seems to be directed at his fanbase, rather than him.

Seventh, he’s just a guy, you’re right, but I think a lot of the antis on Tumblr understand this more than you know. As I’ve seen it, the sentiment among much of the “DSMP stans DNI” crowd seems to be that of “Dream/other MCYTs are such ‘bad’ people, so why do their fans stick to these mediocre, racist men, when there are so many better people to watch/better content to consume?” We know this argument is flawed for many of the obvious reasons - the conflation of all MCYTs’ actions regardless of individual identity, the equating of a CC’s fanbase’s morality to that of the CC they enjoy watching, the exxageration of any error MCYT CCs have committed as bigotry/racism, the fundamental misunderstanding and misinformation that led antis to believe this exxageration of the facts, etc. But I want to focus on the general, underlying sentiment of, “why not watch someone better, when your creator is problematic?” Sometimes, I ask this of Dream stans. Yes, being mildly ignorant, getting involved in the scandals Dream has, and being a right-leaning/libertarian centrist in the recent past all seem like harmless things, all things considered. One could say Dream isn’t nearly as bad as many antis who are misinformed seem to believe, and that there are much worse CCs Dream stans could be watching and creating fan content for. But I think what Tumblr antis wonder is, aren’t there also much better MCYTs/CCs people could be watching and stanning? Because he’s just some guy, right? Is his content truly so exceptional or is he really so exceptional a person, that people have to stick by him, despite the things that spike up regarding his current or past actions? I think that’s what made me finally decide to stop watching Dream. I realized he was just Some Guy. The Dream Team was a comforting dynamic to indulge in, DNF was a cute ship to read and speculate about, and Manhunts were fun videos to watch; however, once the Reddit posts came out and I read them in-depth, the cost-benefit analysis tipped over to the “not worth it” side for me. I realized Dream’s content, while fun and comforting, was not entirely unique, and wasn’t worth sticking around for, given what I then knew about his past political leanings. If he is just Some Guy, then there are a hundred more like him out there. There a hundred more ships, a hundred more found family dynamics, a hundred more entertaining and skilled Minecraft players. So while I agree with you on the point of people being allowed to love him regardless because he is just a guy, at the end of the day, I think that, if we are to believe that sentiment or use that argument in such a manner, we should also understand the flip side- that, if he is just some guy, why is it worth sticking around? To that I say, maybe because people just enjoy the simple things they enjoy.

Anyways, I wholly agree with your tl;dr. Thanks for that insanely long ask, this was a fun thing to keep me occupied while I’ve been at work, facilitating Zoom sessions this whole morning.

#ive been writing this on and off since 830 am est SHEESH #dreamwastaken #dream critical #eh i think im relatively lenient of him here given my past posts ab him #but still just in case the blacklist tags for yalls convenience:#discourse #/neg #asks #long post #long posts #this a LONG one bois #morango

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vicxy · 3 years

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Hello hello 😊🤠 May I join in the future spouse game pls if that's okay ? (we all love this shit don't we 😑) My initials are NTHH, and if I can add 1 more question, I would love to know : what does my spouse's family think of me ? I choose Tarot (2) and Oracle (4)

Thank you for this game hun 💖, also take some breaks from asks when you're tired ok? I don't want you to overwork or anything ☹ Have a great day/night ! 💞

- Ha <3

HELLO BESTIE

So yes before I start I'm gonna say the same thing I always do, tarot can't determine anything and stuff so yeah! Take all these with a pinch of salt 💖 don't forget to leave feedback! :)

I will be starting with when and where you will meet them. As for where, I keep seeing an aquarium so idk maybe y'all will meet somewhere related to water, or sea animals?

You could meet them on these dates and months: 8, 10, 12, 13, 22, 23. January, February, September - December.

Their early life: I see that they grew up in a pretty structured household, things were stable and they were very secure. They were very loved and valued. I also see a lot of abundance, their family could've been rich or from the upper-middle class. Lastly, they could've made a change to their life in the past which influenced them very greatly, I see some spontaneity here.

Their first impression of you: They could see you as who is balanced between being emotional and being detached, not too much of both in a sense. They definitely see you as someone introspective and thoughtful. Perhaps also someone who likes to learn and share knowledge. Patient or kind in general, also very peaceful unless provoked. However they might also get the vibe that you are cold, maybe somebody who doesn't really have any discipline sometimes.

Profession: The first thing that came to mind was vet, so they could be one or work with animals. They could also work in a role that requires the nurturing of others, perhaps teacher or someone working in agriculture.

Relationship Dynamics: I'll go through three stages which are the start, middle, and end. The "end" doesn't necessarily mean the end, it can show the last part of the relationship where you're finally comfortable with each other. The start of the relationship will have one or both of you being very understanding and patient toward each other. I see a lot of consideration as well. Keep an eye out for being too extreme in certain ways, e.g being too reserved with your partner or too pushy. In the middle of this relationship, I see the both of you doing a lot of soul searching together, maybe some uncomfortable talks about what you both want out of this relationship, which will help you build a strong foundation for this relationship. Okay at the last part I see that the both of you could become too codependent on each other, there is some sort of power imbalance here, so watch out for that.

Problems: Generally okay, the only problem I see here is maybe one of you could be just naturally closed off and cold to the other, (intentionally or no), and a little unforgiving at times.

Their personality: They are probably somebody charming and sensitive, they are probably good communicators, and have strong integrity. Good team player. They are also kind, and can be quite energetic.

Placements they could have: A lot of fire energy, Pisces Jupiter, Sagittarius, Mercury energy here. I'm hearing Gemini moon!

Additional Question: Your future spouse's family could see you as somebody who is smart and loyal, possibly good at managing finances, but they could also think of you as someone who procrastinates and can be lazy at times.

I hope this was alright, have a nice day!🌸

#tarotblr #tarotcommunity #astro notes

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whump-town · 4 years

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ajadhkhdh that's okay! The gist of my ask was: what do you think abt Derek and Aaron's (platonic) relationship? I really think it's the most underrated friendship within the core 7. (Then again, I'm generally biased towards the two of them) so I was wondering if you had any headcanons/fic ideas for them specifically? Like after the events of Restoration, or after Hotch reveals thst Emily is not dead, that sort of thing.

I do have an ask for Restoration Hotch and Morgan so I’m going to go ahead and include what I wrote for that plus what I thought of when you asked this^^:

They’re a match made in Adrenaline Crash Hell.

Problems with authority?

Issues trusting men?

Trouble magnets?

It unnerves Haley every time she kisses her husband goodbye knowing she’s sending him out there with his equally as injury-prone partner. She loves Derek Morgan. He’s a doll and she invites him over for dinner all the time (also to occasionally get him to help Aaron do handy-man stuff around the house because she loves her husband but the man doesn’t understand woodwork at all).

They’re an unstoppable pair.

Hotch is a fantastic sharp-shooter and he makes quick work of tongue-tying any cops that get into their way. Not to mention his legal knowledge gets them one foot in the door and guaranteed loopholes in problems that other pairs can’t solve.

Morgan is a charmer and paired with his good looks, he gains the trust of victims with ease. Not to mention, he’s fast on his feet and a close reader which means he won’t miss a single piece of evidence in a file. He excels in defusing explosives and that’s what sets them apart.

It’s why Morgan gets sent back to Quantico with fragments of a bomb to put back together when Hotch gets sent to the hospital.

Morgan stands in the bullpen, numb as he watches over and over as the news plays that scene on repeat. Just as it ends, they play that little clip-- the men wearing FBI kevlar and cops infiltrating the building. The radio static and Gideon’s voice giving the okay to move in. Morgan wonders when he’s going to get the call-- when Gideon’s voice is going to come through his phone and tell him he has to call Haley.

To tell her Hotch is dead…

and Jason Gideon killed him.

He manages to forgive Gideon for making him feel that hopeless. What he can’t forgive is what Gideon does to Hotch.

“The Black Queen--” Hotch informs him, one hand firmly planted on the wall ahead of him and the other tightly gripping a sleek black cane. He’s breathless and struggling to work through the pain that feels like it’s in every nerve of his body. But he’s refused Morgan’s help three times and he won’t cave on that now.

With a sigh, he forces his body upright. His leg gives and Morgan grabs his shoulders. “Alright, man,” Morgan grunts and he forces Hotch back into the wheelchair the nurse had given them just in case. Good thing too. He lets out a breath of his own, feeling extremely better now that he won’t have to watch Hotch force his body to move in ways that it clearly does not want to.

Morgan pats Hotch’s shoulder, “what were you saying about this Black Queen chick?”

Despite just being taken off of bed rest and only being okayed for short walks this week, Hotch has already hired two new members of the team. Of their team, because as far they know, Jason Gideon will not be returning and Hotch is acting Unit Cheif until they can find somebody better-- which they know is a ploy because no one else can do the job.

Which makes the two of them the only members of the team.

Living, that is.

Hotch chews on the end of his nails as he informs Morgan about the hacker recently caught in the FBI’s web. It makes him smile, Morgan can appreciate Hotch’s creativity in this new team. He’s good at this.

JJ had been the first person Hotch hired. She’d joined their little force last week as a media liaison and Morgan liked her right off the bat. She’d come to the hospital and Morgan had watched in shock but extreme amusement as she took right to arguing with Hotch. Not in a bad way but more of a “No, sir, you won’t be getting any paperwork until your doctor signs off on it. As that is the requirement you have to meet under federal guidelines and… because I said so.”

Needless to say, they love her. Not many people have the balls to tell Hotch no. It makes her perfect for the job.

She makes their jobs easier and she fully understands that while Hotch and Morgan are not currently physically capable of the job, it is in no way waiting for them to be ready.

There’s a slightly maddened look in Hotch’s eyes as he leans forward and tells Morgan about how much a genius this woman, the Black Queen, is. Then again, the poor man has had nothing to do for weeks and he’s taken this small task and really ran with it. It definitely doesn’t help that he’s desperate need of a hair cut and in pajamas.

Going to interview Penelope Garcia is the first time Hotch leaves the hospital in months.

He’s promptly taken right back but he’s smiling the whole way.

Their team of four has weekly meetings in the hospital.

Then Hotch hires Reid.

It’s strange at first but one night, as Morgan’s falling asleep it suddenly occurs to him-- That son of a bitch. Hotch and Morgan both struggle to trust men which has had a lot to do with Hotch’s hires being all women. Then Hotch does hire another “man” and it’s some scrappy-ass runt of a genius-- so, of course, Morgan hadn’t even flinched. He hadn’t even thought twice before taking the kid under his arm.

Of course, Hotch has Reid spending all his time with Gideon but he’s still a part of the team.

But Hotch heals and returns to active duty. Gideon stays on campus.

And then it all comes crashing in once again.

Morgan is the one to advocate for Elle. He doesn’t say a word to Hotch-- he doesn’t know why. He just goes straight up to Gideon and tells the man that they can’t pass up on a spunky woman like Elle Greenaway.

He gets the impression Hotch doesn’t completely support this idea-- not Greenaway, just not the idea that Morgan went to Gideon instead of him.

Their friendship... struggles as Hotch takes on the full responsibilities of Unit Cheif. He’s not as fun and Morgan would prefer hanging out with the kid and Elle, so he does.

Tobias Hankle forces them to confront that ruined friendship the moment Derek Morgan utters those simple words: “you’re a drill sergeant”.

But they remain one in the same.

“I have and always will entrust you with my life. Can you do the same for me?”

“I love my job, man.” “You love him more.”

“I don’t want you going to see Burford.”

The stand-off between the federal agents standing in the middle of the police station is clear. A battle that goes past wills and the inhibitions of troubled youths. The kind of trouble that runs deeper than still water. Trauma that grown men can’t shake. That these grown men haven’t shaken.

“Hotch, I can do this.”

Maybe, Hotch considers. Maybe Derek can to a certain degree. The way that Hotch handles it after case. The way they all handle it. “Fine,” he relents. He can’t burn the bridge between the two of them over something as stupid as egos and abusers. Not when their pasts intertwine the way they do. Braided. “Fine but I’m coming with you.”

Because if they’re going to do this, they’re going to do it together.

More or less.

There’s no denying how weak his own knees feel as Hotch watches Morgan take Buford’s hand. So, when Morgan looks him dead in the eyes and lies-- and deceives him with the excuse that he’s going to “use the head before we leave” Hotch lets him. It’s the same small infraction he’d need Morgan to allow him. The same infraction Morgan has allowed him.

“Derek? You did a great thing out there.”

The jet has been silent, for the most part. It’s only the right amount of small talk, mangled by Dave’s encouraging words. Mangled by the call.

Hotch recognizes the tone, the far off look in Derek’s eyes as he pulls his phone away from his ear. “What happened?” he can hardly push the question past his lips. Because he already knows the swell of tangled emotions. The way that anger melts into fear and doubt. The way relief wraps its cold fingers around your sternum and burns with the passion of loss.

Because deep, deep down… Hotch still loved his father.

“Carl Buford is dead.”

Bile stings the back of Hotch’s throat but he remains silent and still when Morgan stands. He assumes the other man is feeling the same burning disgust. Anger with himself for being upset. Anger with Buford for making him love him in some twisted way.

And Morgan can’t find the means to understand it. Hotch loved his abuser because he was his father. Carl was… Carl was nothing and everything and Morgan crawled his way from the muddied pits of hell without Carl and yet--

“Breathe--” he can’t even make it to the bathroom before he sinks to his knees. “It’s alright.” It’s taken Morgan years to get to a place where the presence of another man, hell an older man, doesn’t startle him. Still, sometimes someone steps too close and he flinches or gets frustrated and he can’t even explain why.

But Hotch surrounds him. He uses his body to block the other’s from Morgan’s direct line of sight and all Morgan knows is the painful throb in his chest and the reassuring hand placed on his back. Morgan finds comfort in that hand. In Hotch who he knows without a shred of doubt not only understands but shares a fraction of his pain.

“Just breathe, Derek.”

Hotch looks up, his knees aching from squatting. “Blake, can you grab a water bottle? JJ, can you get me a rag?” He stays right here beside his old friend. So much as changed from those beginning years as two young and dumb agents.

But they’re still the same broken men.

“Hotch?”

Hotch shakes his head, “I’m right here, Derek. Always.”

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